HULK FINALLY READY TO POINT ON THE DOLL AND SHOW WHERE THE LOST FINALE TOUCHED HULK

CONSIDER THIS A FOUR-PART, 12,378 WORD, 31 PAGE SINGLE-SPACED, OPEN-LETTER TO DAMON LINDELOF AND CARLTON CUSE CONCERNING LOST

DEAR DARLTON,

HEY WHAT UP. IT HULK. HOW THINGS? COOL.

SO IT BEEN OVER YEAR SINCE FINALE OF LOST AND YET BOTH THE SHOW/FINALE REMAIN FLOATING ABOUT THE ZEITGEIST.  HULK IMAGINE IT SAME WAY FOR BOTH OF YOU. FOR AWHILE DAMON SEEMED TO TALK ABOUT IT ON TWITTER MAYBE ONCE A WEEK OR SO. HE RECENTLY ACKNOWLEDGE ON PODCAST THAT THE “HOW MUCH TO TALK ABOUT LOST” A QUESTION HE WRESTLE WITH. AND WHILE DISCUSSING THE SHOW, DAMON SEEM OSCILLATE BETWEEN FUN AND SERIOUSNESS, ACCEPTANCE AND DEFENSIVENESS… ALL OF WHICH RATHER UNDERSTANDABLE. OF COURSE, SOME BITS GET MORE PUBLIC NOTICE, LIKE THE RECENT (AND ADMITTEDLY RATHER TINY) DUST UP WITH GEORGE R.R. MARTIN. ALL THE WHILE, IT SEEM TO HULK THAT DAMON REALLY GOING DOWN THIS ROAD CAUSE HE TRYING TO COME TO SOME KIND OF CATHARSIS ABOUT LOST AND WHAT IT REALLY MEANT. WHICH MAKE HIM JUST LIKE ALL OF US.

THE SUM TOTALITY OF LOST(1) A HARDER THING TO SUM UP THAN MOST PEOPLE REALIZE. THE SHOW TRULY ALL-ENCOMPASSING AND RESONATED IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS THAT IT HARD TO CLARIFY EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED, AND CONTINUES TO HAPPEN IN ITS WAKE.

BUT AFTER ALL THIS TIME, HERE AND NOW, HULK FINALLY READY TALK ABOUT THE LOST FINALE.

PREFACE #1:  HULK’S ORIGINAL INTERPRETATION  OF THE FINALE NOT REALLY CHANGE SINCE AIRING,  YET THE INTENSITY HAS LESSENED AND HULK ABLE TO BE MORE OBJECTIVE. THIS OBVIOUSLY A GOOD THING. WHICH MEANS:

PREFACE #2:  THE TITLE OF THIS ARTICLE AND THE DOLL-TOUCHING JOKE = JUST THAT, A JOKE. HULK FEEL NOWHERE NEAR THAT EXTREME ABOUT THE SITUATION (AFTER ALL, HULK A RATIONAL HULK). THE JOKE MORE REPRESENTATIVE OF HULK’S FEELINGS ABOUT FINALLY COMING FORWARD TO TALK ABOUT IT. HONESTLY, WHAT FOLLOWS WILL ATTEMPT BE VERY MEASURED AND FAIR AND ALL THAT. IT JUST FELT LIKE RIGHT TITLE (FOR REASONS THAT WILL MAKE SENSE LATER).

PREFACE #3:  EVEN IF HULK OFTEN DISMISS A LOT OF THE HYPERBOLE AND APOLOGIST REMARKS SURROUNDING THE SHOW, HULK STILL THINK LOST ONE OF THE BEST TELEVISION SHOWS EVER MADE. IT CERTAINLY ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT, IF ONLY FOR FACT THAT IT DRAGGED THE NETWORKS INTO BOTH THE TIME-SHIFT (DVR) AND SERIALIZED-TV ERA. BUT OBVIOUSLY, IT MORE THAN THAT.

PREFACE #4:  ANOTHER REASON HULK WRITING THIS ARTICLE BECAUSE EVEN WITH ALL THE GREAT MATERIAL CRITICAL OUT THERE, HULK YET TO READ INTERPRETATION THAT HIT NAIL ON HEAD FOR WHAT HULK FELT WAS THE EXACT PROBLEMS WITH THE FINALE. SPECIFICALLY WITH HOW IT’S AIMS NOT CONGRUENT WITH THE REST OF THE SERIES.

PREFACE #5:  WHILE ON SUBJECT OF CRITICS, HULK THINK DOC JENSEN KIND OF AN IDIOT AND WHOLLY REPRESENTATIVE OF ONE OF THE WORST ASPECTS OF LOST FANS. THIS BEAR MENTIONING BECAUSE HE THE MOST CELEBRATED LOST ANALYZER IN WORLD FOR SOME REASON. PERHAPS IT THE FAULT OF E.W.’S PRESENTATION, BUT HIS WORK REALLY COME OFF LIKE NONSENSE RAMBLINGS AND IT FILLED WITH ABSURD, UNCONNECTED TANGENTS. NOW BOTH RAMBLINGS AND TANGENTS TOTALLY OKAY( HECK, HULK USE THEM ENDLESSLY), BUT DOC ALWAYS SEEM FIXATE ON SINGULAR DETAILS TO CREATE HIS WEAKLY-SUPPORTED HYPOTHESES, ONES WHICH OFTEN STOOD IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO OTHER, FAR-MORE-PERTINENT INFORMATION. THIS NOT ONLY OCCURRED ON FREQUENT LOGISTIC LEVEL, BUT EVEN MORE EGREGIOUSLY ON THE THEMATIC LEVEL. IT SELECTIVE INFORMATION PROCESSING AND IT BASICALLY WORTHLESS. AND LIKE DOC, THERE HUGE SEGMENT OF LOST FANS THAT WOULD DO THIS ALL THE TIME.

PREFACE #6:  THE BEST WRITING HULK EVER READ ON LOST DONE BY GENTLEMEN KNOWN AS “MMORSE” AND HULK SAY YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY CHECK HIM OUT (HULK GOING TO LINK TO SOME OF HIS STUFF LATER). HE HAD UNCANNY ABILITY TO DIG DEEP WHILE STAYING TRULY FOCUSED ON HOW THESE DETAILS FIT IN THE “BIG PICTURE.” HULK ARGUE NO ONE HAVE BETTER GRIP ON THE THEMATIC LEVEL OF THE SHOW AND HE WORKED HIS ASS OFF AT IT TOO.  HE CURRENTLY DOING GREAT WORK WITH HIS “LOST AND FOUND” SERIES ON CHUD, WHICH EXAMINES OTHER CEREBRAL TV SHOWS THAT MAY HAVE HAD AN ALL-TOO SHORT RUN. HERE HIS TWITTER IF WANT CHECK OUT http://twitter.com/#!/m_morse

PREFACE #7: AT THIS POINT IT SHOULD BE CLEAR HULK HAVE NO INTEREST IN BREVITY. IT MAY BE THE SOUL OF WIT, BUT IT JUST NOT IN HULK’S WHEELHOUSE. IF YOU NEVER READ HULK STUFF BEFORE KNOW THIS, EVERY TIME HULK ATTEMPT BE BRIEF IN ANALYSIS THE STATEMENTS JUST FEEL LIKE A HALF-TRUTH. MEANWHILE, BEING FAIR, TAKING ONE’S TIME, APPROXIMATING EVERYTHING, AND JUST PLAIN BEING THOROUGH=  ALL VALUES THAT HULK HOLD DEAR. ESPECIALLY IN AN ERA THAT CRAVES SHORT FORM. SO YES, THIS ARTICLE RATHER LONG, AND PERHAPS A BIT UNWIELDY,  BUT THIS HULK DAMMIT.

SO NOW ONTO THE REAL SHIT.

PART 1: WHAT MADE “LOST” FANTASTIC

LOST BOTH ATTEMPTED AND SUCCEEDED IN DOING THINGS MOST OTHER SHOWS NO EVEN TRY: IT HAD RICH, TEXTURED CHARACTERS,  AN INTERNATIONAL CAST, USED MULTI-LINGUAL AND SUBTITLED DIALOGUE, PROVIDED SENSUOUS CINEMATOGRAPHY THAT WAS, FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD, “CINEMATIC,” CAPITALIZED ON ITS VIBRANT SETTING, HAD STUNNING PRODUCTION VALUES, WROTE AMBITIOUS STORY ARCS, INCLUDED DEEPLY-LITERATE REFERENCES, WENT INTO INTENSE AND COMPLEX SCI-FI CONCEPTS, BRANDISHED A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SENSE OF HUMOR, AND EVEN DISPLAYED A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF NEW MEDIA IN ORDER ADVERTISE THE SHOW/INTERACT WITH FANS (HELL, IT HELPED SHAPE NEW MEDIA). EVERY DETAIL JUST SEEMED RIGHT: FROM THE HAUNTING OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE TO OFT-SUDDEN ENDING TITLE STAMP AT THE CLOSE OF EVERY EPISODE. SO IF WE JUST GOING BY ALL THESE TANGIBLE DETAILS, THEN OBJECTIVELY-SPEAKING LOST MUST REPRESENT THE PINNACLE OF TELEVISION. HECK, IT THE BEST OF WHAT ENTERTAINMENT CAN OFFER.

BUT JUST CAUSE THAT WHAT MAKE IT GOOD, IT NOT WHAT MAKE IT SPECIAL. WHAT MADE LOST SPECIAL = THE IMPOSSIBLE RESONANCE THAT THE SHOW’S TONE AND THEMATIC CONCEIT HAD WITH VIEWERS. IT STRUCK A CHORD DEEP DOWN AND COMPELLED THEM IN WAYS A TV SHOW OFTEN DOES NOT. SURE THERE WERE RELATIVE LEVELS OF THAT INTENSITY, BUT THERE JUST SEEMED NO SUCH THING AS HALF-INVESTED LOST VIEWER. FOR SOME, IT JUST PURELY VISCERAL: A JOURNEY INTO BOTH THE MYSTERY OF AN ISLAND AND THE MYSTERY OF THE CHARACTER’S LIVES. FOR OTHERS, THE THEMATIC LEVEL OPENED UP A WORLD BEYOND THE SHOW, AN ONLINE COMMUNITY, AN EXPANDED UNIVERSE, AN EVOLVING DISCUSSION ABOUT LIFE, ART, STORYTELLING, RELIGION, SCIENCE, AND BEYOND. BETTER YET, THE SHOW COULD EXIST ON THAT CEREBRAL PLANE WHILE RARELY SACRIFICING THE THINGS THAT MADE IT UNIQUELY HUMANE. AND EVEN THOUGH IT HAD AN EMOTIONAL FOUNDATION, YIT NEVER STEEPED SO LOW AS TO BE OUTRIGHT SENTIMENTAL

ALL THIS MAKE THE SHOW BOTH A MIRACLE AND A SPRAWLING ENTITY IN ITS OWN RIGHT. AND DARLTON, HULK IMAGINE THAT NAVIGATING BOTH THE CREATION OF THAT ENTITY AND THEN PERPETUATING IT MUST HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT THINGS IMAGINABLE. HOW DID THE SHOW SATISFY SO MANY PEOPLE? FOLKS WITH A HOST OF DIFFERENT VALUES?

HULK BELIEVE THE ANSWER = “THE ANSWERS.”

FIRST OFF, HULK BOTH UNDERSTAND AND NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE CLAIM THAT LOST NEVER ANSWERED ANYTHING. HULK PERHAPS UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THE SHOW RARELY RELIED ON “THE REVEAL” FORMAT OR CONVENTIONALLY REVEALED TWISTS WHERE THINGS SUDDENLY DAWN ON AUDIENCE (I.E., THE WAY MANY  PROCEDURALS CONCLUDE AT END OF EVERY EPISODE). AND THE FEW TIMES THERE WAS BIG “REVEAL” IN LOST IT OFTEN ANSWERED THE QUESTION WITH EVEN DEEPER MYSTERY, BEST EXEMPLIFIED BY THE NOW-FAMOUS “KATE, WE HAVE TO GO BACK MOMENT!”

HULK JUST WANTED USE THIS AGAIN... AND TO BE FAIR, THEY HAD TO GO BACK

BUT AT SAME TIME HULK NO UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE CAN REALLY THINK THAT, BECAUSE LOST ACTUALLY ANSWERED THE VAST MAJORITY OF OF PLOT, CHARACTER, THEMATIC, AND THEOLOGICAL CONFLICTS THAT WERE INTRODUCED. SERIOUSLY. FOR EVERY HANGING QUESTION THERE, LIKE, 3 OTHERS THAT WERE TOTALLY ANSWERED. HULK KNOW THIS SIMPLIFYING, BUT HULK JUST WANT POINT OUT, “HEY, IT SIMPLE MATH!” YES, THE SHOW COULD BE CRUELLY CHAOTIC IN HOW WENT ABOUT IT SOMETIMES, BUT IT STILL THERE PLAIN AS DAY. AND HONESTLY WHEN THE SHOW LACKED CONVENTIONAL, CONCRETE ANSWERS IT OFTEN SUBLIMATED THEM WITH EMOTIONALLY CATHARTIC BEATS, ONES THAT RESONATED DEEPLY WITHIN THE STORY.

AND CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVE: ALL THE TIMES THE SHOW RESORTED TO ACTUALLY VERBALIZING ANSWERS VIA MONOLOGUE (OR SOMETHING EQUALLY LAME) IT RESULTED IN THE LEAST-INSPIRING OR LEAST-CATHARTIC MOMENTS IN THE SHOW (LIKE WHEN MICHAEL JUST SHOWS UP AND EXPLAINS THE WHISPERS VERBATIM). SO HULK ACTUALLY THINK DARLTON WISE TO TRY AND SHY AWAY FROM THEM. WHAT’S MORE, THE SHOW ULTIMATELY MADE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR FROM BEGINNING THAT IT JUST NOT INTERESTED IN VOCALIZING THE EXACT STATE OF PLOT NARRATIVE. EVER. SO REALLY, IF SOMEONE COMPLAINING ABOUT LACK OF ANSWERS IT SEEM TO HULK THAT THAT SOMEONE NOT REALLY UNDERSTAND THE SHOW THEY BEEN WATCHING FOR 6 YEARS.

SO IF ALL THAT WHAT MAKE THE SHOW SPECIAL… NOW IT TIME FOR WHAT MAKE LOST TRANSCENDENT.

WHAT CONTINUOUSLY AMAZE HULK IS THAT AS LOST EXPANDED ITS SPRAWLING MYTHOLOGY AND THEME, IT ALWAYS HAD UNIQUE ABILITY TO, FOR LACK OF BETTER TERM, “PLEASE EVERYONE.” AND BY THAT HULK MEAN THAT IT PROVIDE “ANSWERS’ THAT REALLY MORE AN INTERESTING SET OF DIFFERENT ANSWERS, ALL OF WHICH JUST AS EQUALLY TRUE AS OTHER. IT ACTUALLY SPEAK TO RATHER MATHEMATICAL CONCEPT, LIKE MATRICES AND HOW ALL “THE ANSWERS CAN BE ALL WITHIN RANGE OF NUMERICAL SUBSET B”, ETC. MEANING THE ANSWER TO ANY PARTICULAR ISLAND MYSTERY OFTEN GAVE AT LEAST THREE ANSWERS, ONE CHARACTER/STORY BASED, ONE SCIENTIFIC/LOGIC BASED, AND ONE THEMATIC/RELIGIOUS/MYTH BASED (YOU MAY NOT REMEMBER THIS BEING CASE, BUT TRUST HULK. IT TRUE. THOUGH MOST OF IT IN THE PRODUCTION DESIGN). AND BEST YET, NONE OF THOSE ANSWERS WEAK ENOUGH TO OUTRIGHT DISMISS, NOR SO DOMINANT AS TO DISPLACE THE OTHERS.

THIS GENIUS-LEVEL MENTAL ACROBATICS. YOU KNOW, HULK GOING WAGER YOU PROBABLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO CREATE THAT KIND OF THEMATIC STASIS AS WRITER. IN HULK’S MIND, IT THE SINGULAR REASON TO LOVE THE SERIES FOREVER. AND THE FUNNY THING = THIS MULTI-ANSWER APPROACH OFTEN MADE SOME FIGHTING ABOUT LOST MEANINGS TO BE, WELL, KIND OF SILLY. THEY OFTEN JUST AS RIGHT AS THE OTHER. BUT THESE ARDENT SUPPORTERS OF SINGULAR TAKES OFTEN MISSED THE THING THAT MAKE THE SHOW SO FUCKING BRILLIANT:

IT PLEASED THE MAN OF THE FAITH. IT PLEASED THE MAN OF SCIENCE. AND IT OFTEN DID SO AT ONCE.

WHAT ELSE COULD HULK WANT FROM TV SHOW?

SO PLEASE DARLTON, AS HULK GET INTO THIS FINALE THING… PLEASE NO THINK HULK NO UNDERSTAND.

PART 2 – SO IF THAT WHAT MADE LOST FANTASTIC THEN WHY DID THE FINALE DROP THE BALL?

FIRST OFF, HULK THOUGHT 95% OF THE FINALE DOWNRIGHT SPECTACULAR. THE ENTIRE ON-ISLAND PLOT WRAPPED UP BEAUTIFULLY: THE EPIC JACK VS. LOCKE/MIB BRAWL (FEW REMEMBER THE COCKTEASINGLY-GREAT COMMERCIAL BREAK THAT HAPPENED JUST BEFORE IT). HURLEY’S NEW PLACE AS LEADER. DESMOND’S ELECTROMAGNETISM PAYING OFF AND TOTALLY PLAYING INTO THE STORY . LINUS’S ATONEMENT. THE BIG MYTHOLOGICAL ARCHPOINTS, EVEN THE ISLAND KEYSTONE, BECAUSE HULK TOTALLY COOL WITH IT BEING THE “ON/OFF” SWITCH EVEN IF SOME FELT IT ON THE NOSE.(2) MILES GETTING HIS DIAMONDS. MILES’S LINE: “I DON’T BELIEVE IN A LOT OF THINGS, BUT I DO BELIEVE IN DUCT TAPE!” (HOW DID THAT NO BECOME A T-SHIRT?) RICARDO’S GRAY HAIR AND HIS “I THINK I WANT TO LIVE” LINE. IT WRAPPED UP HIS STORY PERFECT ECONOMY. THERE ALL THE CHARACTERS SACRIFICES. THE LAST MOMENTS. VINCENT. THE BAMBOO. JACK WATCHING PLANE OVERHEAD. THE CLOSING OF THE EYE. IT ALL AMAZING. IT FELT LIKE THE SHOW. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT FELT LIKE THE SHOW’S TRUE END.

WHICH MEANS HULK’S PROBLEMS ALL ABOUT THE LAST 15 MINUTES IN THE FREAKING CHURCH.

HULK KNOW. HULK KNOW. LOTS OF FOLKS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE LAST SCENE AND FOR GOOD REASON, BUT HULK LISTENED/READ EVERY RESPONSE POSSIBLE. SOME TRULY GREAT, SOME INSPIRED, MOST KINDA BLAND AND UNSUPPORTED. BUT HULK ALWAYS FELT LIKE THERE SOMETHING MORE THAN THAT. SOMETHING ABOUT THAT SCENE THAT NOT JUST PROBLEMATIC, BUT SOMETHING THAT VIOLATES THE SHOW’S CORE IDENTITY.

AND HULK BELIEVE THE SOMETHING = THIS: IF LOST‘S TRANSCENDENT QUALITY HOW IT PLEASED THE MAN OF SCIENCE AND THE MAN OF FAITH, OFTEN WITH A SINGLE GESTURE, THEN WHY IN THE SERIES-DEFINING-MOMENT OF THE FINALE DID THEY DECIDE TO JUST PLAIN STOP DOING THAT?

AND NOT JUST STOP DOING THAT, BUT SEEMINGLY THUMB THEIR NOSE AT THAT CONCEPT?

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

HULK NOT WANT RE-CAP TOO MUCH BUT IT IMPORTANT GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF FINAL SEASON AND OVERVIEW THE RELEVANT INFORMATION: UNTIL THAT POINT, MEANING PRE-SEASON 6 OPENER”LA… X”, THE SHOW CREATE A NARRATIVE THAT WORKED ON THE THREE LEVELS HULK MENTIONING ABOVE: CHARACTER/SCIENTIFIC(3)/MYTHOLOGICAL. THE PRIOR FIFTH SEASON ENDED ON PREDICATION THAT BY BLOWING UP THE H-BOMB, IT SINK THE ISLAND WOULD RESET TIME-LINE SO THAT THEY NEVER CRASHED THE ISLAND AND COULD GO ABOUT THEIR NORMAL LIVES. AND IN “LA…X” IT APPEARED TO BOTH WORK AND NOT WORK. IT ACTUALLY CREATED TWO TIME LINES: ONE REALITY WHERE THEY PRESSING FORWARD WITH ON-ISLAND ACTION AND CURRENT TIMELINE, AND ANOTHER REALITY WHERE THE BOMB SANK THE ISLAND AND THEY FIND PLANE LANDED SAFE IN L.A

AND ALL SEASON, THE AUDIENCE LEFT TO WONDER WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENING IN THIS NEW TIME-LINE REALITY WHERE THEY NEVER EXPERIENCED THE ISLAND. AT FIRST, THE SHOW WENT ON AND ON FOR HALF OF SEASON ESTABLISHING A SCIENTIFIC CONCEPT FOR TWO CONCURRENT TIME-LINES CONTINUING IN EARNEST. IT REALLY JUST SOME BASIC IDEAS IN STEPHEN HAWKING’S “A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME” REGARDING PARALLEL WORLDS CONTINUING FROM A SINGLE POINT OF INFLUENCE. THEY DIVERGE AT THAT POINT AND THE SCIENTIFIC THEORY BEHIND IT = A) RATHER SOUND AND B) A DEEPLY INTERESTING ANALYSIS OF TIME AND SPACE. THE SHOW REALLY HAMMERED THE CONCEPT HOME WHEN DANIEL FARRADAY SHOWED UP AND BASICALLY CONFIRMED ALL THIS VERBATIM… AND THEN THE SHOW SEEMED TAKE CURIOUS LEFT TURN WITH DESMOND, EVER THE CLAIRVOYANT, STARTED RUNNING AROUND TRYING TO ALMOST-KILL A TON OF PEOPLE. BESIDES BEING DOWNRIGHT ERRANT AND BIZARRE, ONE GUESSED THAT HE TRYING GET THEM TO “WAKE UP” AND BRING AWARENESS OF THEIR FORMER LIFE. HE WAS DESPERATE AND CRAZED, LIKE HE RUNNING AGAINST THE CLOCK. IT SEEMED THE GOAL NOT EXACTLY TO BRIDGE THE TWO WORLDS, BUT HULK GOT THE SENSE DESMOND NEEDED TO INFORM THE OTHERS FOR THE PURPOSE OF “SAVING” THE ISLAND MISSION AND THIS WOULD LATER HAVE ADDED BENEFIT OF GOING FORWARD IN THEIR NEW LIVES, KNOWING THEIR “OTHER” HISTORY IN THE ALTERNATIVE TIME-LINE. THE SHOW REALLY, REALLY TRIED TO MAKE THIS INTENTION CLEAR.

AND THEN IT JUST TURNED OUT THEY WERE DEAD.

OR SOMETHING.

TO BE HONEST THE MEANING OF THIS LACKS ABJECT CLARITY ON ANY LEVEL. YES THERE SOME INTENTIONAL VAGUERY INVOLVED IN THE REVEAL, BUT THE WAYS IN WHICH IT IS CLEAR LACK = COMPLETELY UNSATISFACTORY, ESPECIALLY FOR LOST STANDARDS. AND SO, THE FOLLOWING 10 PROBLEMS CONSTITUTE THE WAYS THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF FINALE ULTIMATELY FAILED THE SERIES.

"MAN. ALL THOSE TIMES WE FOUGHT AND ALMOST DIED, AND THEN ACTUALLY DIED. GOOD TIMES!"

PROBLEM #1 – IT OUTRIGHT SENTIMENTAL.

NOW, HULK NO GO SO FAR AS SAY THE ENDING CHEESY, IT JUST OVERTLY SENTIMENTAL. AS SUCH, ONE’S REACTION SORT OF DEPEND ON ONE’S THRESHOLD FOR SENTIMENTALITY. A LOT OF LOST VIEWERS OKAY WITH THE SENTIMENTAL ASPECT. THEY SAYING GOODBYE TO CHARACTERS THEY LOVE AND IT TRUE JOY TO SEE THEM BE HAPPY, YOU KNOW, SINCE ALL THE CHARACTERS GET THEIR BEAUTIFUL HAPPY-FUN-TIME MOMENT IN THE THE “PLACE THEY MADE FOR EACH OTHER” [EYE ROLL] BUT STILL, HULK’S PROBLEM NOT THAT IT SENTIMENTAL IN AND OF ITSELF, IT THAT IT THE SHOW WAS NEVER SENTIMENTAL.

HULK BET YOU MAY ARGUE THE SHOW WAS SENTIMENTAL BEFORE. THAT OKAY, BUT HULK ARGUE IT NEVER WAS. IT WAS EMOTIONAL AND THAT A HUGE DIFFERENCE. COMPARE THE FINALE TO, SAY, THE INCREDIBLE MOMENT WHERE DESMOND ABLE TO CALL PENNY ON THE PHONE FOR THAT BRIEF MOMENT ON THE FREIGHTER. AFTER AN ENTIRE NARRATIVE OF DESMOND TRYING TO REACH PENNY, IT FINALLY HAPPENS AND THE TWO OF THEM JUST SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY… HULK ADMIT. HULK TEARED UP. BUT THE MOMENT = HANDLED WITH GRACE AND BUILDUP. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHILE IT HAPPENING, WE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANT FOR THESE TWO PEOPLE AS IT WAS HAPPENING. NOW IMAGINE IF THIS EMOTIONAL MOMENT GOT THE SAME MISE EN SCENE TREATMENT AS THE FINALE. (4)

THERE VAST, INHERENT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TWO CHARACTERS COMING TOGETHER IN JOYFUL WAY, AND EVERYONE GETTING TOGETHER FOR BIG GROUP HUG ON THEIR WAY TO HEAVEN. HULK ALSO WILLING TO BET SOME READERS JUST THINK HULK BIG MEAN FUDDY-DUDDY WHO TRYING BE WAY TOO HIP TO BE SENTIMENTAL AND STUFF. THEY MIGHT THINK HULK LIKE THOSE PEOPLE WHO FIND SAP IN ANY FORM TO JUST BE SO OBVIOUSLY STUPID (POSSIBLY LIKE THE CHURCH OF SOUTH PARK). WELL YOU WRONG. HULK LOVE EMOTIONAL STORIES. HULK LOVE OPTIMISTISM AND HOPE. HULK LOVING DR. WHO FOR PETE’S SAKE! BUT LOST NEVER DARED BE SENTIMENTAL BEFORE. IT NEVER TRIED OR WANTED BE THAT KIND OF SHOW. IT WANTED TO BE DEEP. IT WANTED TO RESONATE. IT WANTED TO BE COMLEX AND EVASIVE.

SO WHY BE SENTIMENTAL NOW?  SOME MAY ARGUE THE SHOW EARNED THE RIGHT TO BE SENTIMENTAL AFTER THIS LONG RUN. THAT FAIR, BUT HULK DISAGREE. A SHOW SHOULD NO CHANGE ITS IDENTITY JUST BECAUSE IT OVER. BUT EVEN IF THE SENTIMENTALITY THREW SOME PEOPLE FOR LOOP, THAT ONLY SMALL SMALL PART OF THE BIGGER PROBLEMS OF THE LAST 15 MINUTES…

"I WILL MAKE TWO DIFFERENT NARRATIVES! OR WAIT, NOT AT ALL!"

PROBLEM #2 – THE NARRATIVE FEINT

CONSIDER THE LAST SEASON AS A SINGULAR SEASON OF TELEVISION. WHAT BECOME OBVIOUSLY CLEAR, THAT THE WHOLE HAWKING-ESQUE SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION OF TWO ALTERNATIVE TIME-LINES DIVERGING FROM A POINT = NOTHING BUT A NARRATIVE FEINT BEFORE GETTING TO THE TRUE REVEAL OF THEM ALL BEING DEAD. JUST TO CLARIFY, THE WRITERS OBVIOUSLY NOT SO WILLY-NILLY THAT THEY JUST DECIDE CHANGE COURSE HALFWAY THROUGH SEASON (FINE, NEED A CONCRETE REASON? CHARLIE’S PLOT IN THE SEASON OPENER WITH HIS NEAR-DEATH. IT MAKE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR THEY KNEW WHERE THEY GOING WITH THIS PURGATORY THING). SO THE HAWKING SCIENCE STUFF MEANT AS NOTHING MORE THAN A FEINT IN THE STORY. CAUSE IT SURE AS SHIT NOT CONGRUOUS WITH WHAT FOLLOWED. SO IN TERMS OF NARRATIVE CONSTRUCTION… WHY? WHY MAKE THE SUDDEN AND BRASH ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN THE SCIENCE OF TWO TIME-LINES? ULTIMATELY, IT CAN ONLY MAKE IT FEEL HOLLOW. BECAUSE WHY WOULD A META-PURGATORY SETTING TAKE SO MUCH TIME TO TIE INTO THE H-BOMB PLAN? IT WOULD NOT. IT JUST FEELS LIKE THE WRITERS SETTING UP THE BIG CURVE AND LESS SOMETHING PURSUED FOR ITS OWN REASONS/WORTH. IT NOTHING MORE THAN AN EMPTY, HALF-SEASON-LONG RED HERRING. AND IN TERMS OF NARRATIVE, THAT FEEL DISHONEST IN WAY THE SHOW HAS NEVER FELT BEFORE. SURE, THE SHOW HAS WITHHELD THINGS BEFORE, OR DROPPED STORY LINES, OR CHANGED DIRECTION OF MEANING, BUT THOSE WERE OFTEN DONE IN THE NAME OF BUILDING TO GREATER STORY CONTENT. THE SHOW HAS NEVER DIPPED INTO OUTRIGHT FEINTING. LOST ALWAYS PLAYED A MORE DELICATE GAME THAN THAT… OR AT LEAST THEY DID UNTIL THAT MOMENT.

GEE, HULK WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN...

PROBLEM #3 – THE DRAMA SUCK

AS FOR THE ALTERNATIVE-SUNK-ISLAND-TIMELINE (HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHAT CALL IT SO IT GOING BE DIFFERENT EVERY TIME) HULK JUST WANT SAY THIS: IT WAS A DRAMA SUCK. CONFUSION AND MYSTERY ARE GREAT FOR GETTING VIEWERS INVESTED, BUT WHEN THESE THINGS IMPOSED OVER THE SAME MOMENTS THAT AUDIENCE SUPPOSED TO BE EXPERIENCING ON PURER, VISCERAL LEVEL, WHETHER IT SOMETHING FUNNY, JOYFUL, CATHARTIC, ANYTHING, THEN THE IMPOSED LAYER OF MYSTERY ROBS THE MOMENT OF IMPACT. THIS A BASIC STORYTELLING TRUTH.

SO EVERY TIME A CHARACTER “WOKE UP” IN PURGATORY, AT TIME WE NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENING. DESMOND GOING AROUND NEAR KILLING PEOPLE FOR BUNCH OF EPISODES JUST SEEMED CRAZY, BUT IT SURE AS SHIT NOT EMOTIONAL. WE NO UNDERSTAND IT. YOU MAY SAY, BUT LOST ALWAYS CRAZY! TRUE, BUT THEY SHOWCASED AMAZING ABILITY TO TOW THE LINE BETWEEN MYSTERY AND CHARACTER RESONANCE ALL THROUGHOUT THE RUN OF THE SHOW. IN SOME MOMENTS THEY WERE PERFECTLY INTERTWINED. FOR EXAMPLE, TWO CHARACTERS WOULD TALK IN RIDDLES ABOUT THE ISLAND’S MYSTERIES, BUT REALLY IT ABOUT WHAT THEIR CHARACTERS THINK OF THE ISLAND MYSTERY. IT ABOUT THEIR PERSPECTIVES. MEANWHILE, THE MYSTERY IN THE ALTERNA-TIMELINE JUST FELT BIZARRE. THE CHARACTER “WAKING UP” ONCE THEY GONE THROUGH THE RINGER OF THEIR PALE IMITATIONS OF A FORMER LIFE. AND THEN THEY JUST WENT ALL DOE-EYED AND POD PEOPLE. ON PURE DRAMA LEVEL IT NO WORK. IT UNDERMINES HOW WE EXPERIENCE THE THINGS AS AUDIENCE. WE JUST SAT AROUND WAITING IN THE FINALE FOR THEM TO RECREATE MOMENTS WE ALREADY EXPEREIENCED. ULTIMATELY, IT BORING.(5)

"LOOK I KNOW I SAID WE'D MEET UP IN HEAVEN BUT I DIDN'T THINK THAT WOULD LITERALLY FUCKING HAPPEN. SO... UM. WHERE'S NADIA?"

PROBLEM #4- SAYID/SHANNON

ADMITTEDLY SMALL, BUT SERIOUSLY… THIS JUST NO FEEL LIKE RIGHT CONCLUSION TO EITHER OF THEIR STORY-LINES… WHATSOEVER. PERHAPS PART OF THE PROBLEM THAT THE SHOW NEVER SATISFACTORILY EXPLAINED WHAT THE NADIA PLOT FULLY MEANT. HULK THINK THAT THE WRITERS ULTIMATELY WANTED CONVEY THAT SAYID AND NADIA NEVER MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. THEY TRIED, BUT IT DIDN’T WORK. JUST ONE OF THOSE STAR-CROSSED THINGS. BUT FOR SOME REASON THAT THEME NEVER STRUCK A CHORD. NOT TRULY. IF DONE BETTER, THEN PERHAPS IT SHOW SHANNON COULD HAVE BEEN THE REAL GIRL WHO SAYID HAD CONNECTION WITH… THEN AGAIN, THIS NO WORK BECAUSE: A) SHANNON JUST SORT OF SHOWS UP AT LAST SECOND IN PURGATORY WORLD AND THEY SUDDENLY THEY LOVE AND HAPPY TO GET BACK TO THE FUCKIN’. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY B) BECAUSE THAT WAS NEVER THEIR RELATIONSHIP IN FIRST PLACE. IT WAS NEVER DEEP. THEY FLIRTED. THEY ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER. THEY HAD A QUICKIE AND THEN SHANNON KILLED. SO WHY THEY SUPPOSED BE SOUL MATES NOW OR SOME SHIT? IF SHANNON SO IMPORTANT WHY DID SAYID NEVER MENTION HER AGAIN? SERIOUSLY, HULK PRETTY SURE HE NEVER MENTIONED HER AGAIN IN THE COURSE OF THE SHOW. THEY WERE JUST TWO PEOPLE WHO ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER BRIEF MOMENT. SO THE PICTURE OF BOTH OF THEM IN THE FINALE, HEADING OFF INTO SUNSET, JUST COMPLETELY WRONG.

WHOSE A LITTLE BABY? HOW OLD ARE YOU? ARE YOU EVEN HERE?

PROBLEM # 5 – BASIC LOGISTICS

SOME OF THE LOGISTICS OF THIS ALTERNA-PURGATORY ARE DOWNRIGHT NUTTERS. THERE TONS HULK COULD MENTION, LIKE HOW THERE LOTS OF NON-ISLAND PEOPLE INCLUDED IN THIS PLACE TOO, LIKE WHY WAS DESMOND SO EAGER TO RUN AROUND AND ALMOST-KILL PEOPLE WHEN REALLY THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING OUT THERE SHIT? LIKE IF JACK WAS IN PURGATORY TO DEAL WITH HIS DADDY ISSUES THEN WHY WAS HIS DAD NOT THERE UNTIL HE SHOW UP AT THE LAST SECOND TO TELL HIM HE DAD AND EVERYTHING BEING ALL BETTER FOR SOME REASON? LIKE WHERE THE FUCK ARE MICHAEL AND WALT? (ONLY TWO ORIGINAL LOSTIES NOT INCLUDED).LIKE WHERE THE HELL ARE MILES AND LAPIDUS? THEY GOT WAY MORE ISLAND TIME THAN LIBBY AND SHANNON. HULK GUESS THEY AREN’T TWO OF THE MAIN LOSTIE’S FUCK BUDDIES SO WHO CARES, RIGHT? (HULK JOKING. BUT REALLY IF YOU SOMEHOW INFER EITHER ONE IS A SOUL MATE IT IS A GRAVE OFFENSE TO THE CONCEPT. SHANNON TAPPED SAYID. AND LIBBY WAS, LIKE, THE FIRST GIRL WHO TALKED TO HURLEY. THAT NOT A SOUL MATE MAKE. (6)

BUT THE BIGGEST ROADBLOCK IN HAVING THE PURGATORY DEFINITION MAKE A LICK OF SENSE? AARON. WHY WAS HE A BABY IN THIS PURGATORY WORLD? IF THEY ONLY GO THERE WHEN EVERYONE DIE, WHY HE A BABY? HE GOT OLD RIGHT? MAYBE IT CAUSE HE WAS BABY ON ISLAND SO IT REFLECTIVE OF THAT? BUT THAT MEAN HE GOT BORN INTO PURGATORY WITH ABSOLUTELY NO UNDERSTAND. AND IF HE GET TO LIVE HIS LIFE WITH CLAIRE AND KATE IN THE REAL WORLD AFTERWARDS WHY WOULD THEIR ONLY IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM BE THE BABY ONE? … HULK MEAN… HULK BRAIN HURT… OR HECK, MAYBE AARON NOT REALLY THERE AT ALL AND IT JUST A PROP BABY. YOU KNOW, SO THAT KATE CAN HAVE HER SPIRITUAL AWAKENING MOMENT WHEN SHE SEE AARON’S HEAD CROWNING OUT CLAIRE’S VAGINA.

[KATE VIEWS BABY HEAD RIPPING AUSSIE VAGINA] KATE: “HOLY SHIT, I’M DEAD! THAT’S CRAZY! WELL, TIME TO SMILE LIKE THIS IS TOTALLY AWESOME OR SOMETHING.”(7) … THINK ABOUT IT. THAT WHAT THE WRITERS ACTUALLY DID. THEY MEANT IMPLY THAT KATE’S MOTHERHOOD ROLE = HER TRANSCENDING MOMENT, HULK KNOW, BUT THAT NOT EXACTLY HOW IT PLAYED OUT IN TERMS OF DRAMA. THERE THIS INCREDIBLE META FUNNINESS TO IT AND IT  KEPT HULK LAUGHING TO HULKSELF FOR, LIKE, WEEKS.

BUT THE AARON CONUNDRUM SPEAK TO THE PROBLEMS MOST. FOR EXAMPLE, WHAT IF HULK REALLY IMPORTANT IN SOMEONE’S LIFE BUT HULK NOT REALLY CARE ABOUT THAT PERSON? DOES HULK HAVE TO SIT AROUND AND HELP SOMEONE DEAL WITH THEIR SHIT? IS IT REFLEXIVE LIKE THAT? OR IS HULK JUST A PROJECTION? AGAIN, IS AARON REAL?

*GASP* WAIT…DOES AARON JUST GET BROUGHT TO HEAVEN TO “MOVE ON” AS A BABY? DID HE NOT GET A CHANCE TO SORT OUT HIS OWN PURGATORY BASED ON THE PRESUMED LIFE HE HAD GOING FORWARD? DID HE HAVE SUCH A MEANINGLESS LIFE THAT ALL HE NEEDED TO DO TO “MOVE ON” WAS JUST BE BORN? DID HE GET NO SAY IN ANY OF THIS?!??!

…THE LOGIC SORT OF TERRIFYING.

SO NOW THEN…. THE THING ABOUT PROBLEMS 1 -5 THAT HULK NOT REALLY GIVE SHIT ABOUT THEM. IT MAY NO SEEM THAT WAY, BUT HULK ALWAYS WILLING OVERLOOK ANY PLOTHOLE, WRITING CONVENIENCE, TONE CHANGE, OR WHATEVER, AS LONG AS IT IN THE PURSUIT OF SOMETHING MORE EFFECTIVE: OFTEN A RELEVANT THEME, RELEVANT META VALUE, OR HELL, EVEN A REALLY GOOD JOKE. BUT IT HAVE BE IN THE NAME OF SOMETHING WORTHY… TURNS OUT PROBLEMS 1-5 ACT MORE INDICATORS OF BIGGER ISSUES. THE REAL PROBLEM WITH THE LAST 15 MINUTES NOT THAT DECISIONS NO LOGISTICALLY COMPUTE. IT THAT THEY NO THEMATICALLY COMPUTE…

PROBLEM #6 – WAIT, WHY THEY ALL TOGETHER AGAIN?

SO THEIR PURGATORY-HEAVEN-THINGY = THE PLACE BUILT FOR EACH OTHER. FINE. BUT WHY EXACTLY DID THEY DO THAT? EVEN THOUGH THERE A FEW GREAT CORE RELATIONSHIPS, HULK FELT MOST OF THESE PEOPLE BARELY KNEW ONE ANOTHER. IT 6 YEARS OF TV SHOW, BUT IN SHOW TIME TERMS SOME SPENT AS LITTLE AS 40 DAYS TOGETHER, IF THAT (SORRY BOONE). AND WITH THE ACT INTERACTIONS SOME ONLY SPOKE A FEW TIMES AT MOST. THIS BECAUSE THE THEMATIC RESONANCE OF LOST‘S FIRST SEASON (THE BEST SEASON BY THE WAY) DEALT ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T KNOW/TRUST EACH OTHER TRYING TO SURVIVE TOGETHER, WHICH IS WHY THE STORY NARRATIVE LARGELY CENTERED AROUND THEIR OWN BACK STORIES AND PERSONAL DEMONS. WHILE A FEW LOSTIES DID END UP BECOMING CLOSE, MOST SPENT THE ENTIRE SHOW REMAINING AT A DISTANCE, BASICALLY FOCUSING ON THEIR OWN INTERNAL SHIT.

SO WHY THE HELL WAS THE END THE SHOW WAS ULTIMATELY SAYING THAT THE CAMARADERIE AND FRIENDSHIP = THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THEY EVER HAD? HULK KNOW THAT IT A VALUABLE MESSAGE WORTHY OF ANY SHOW, HELL, IT EVEN A GREAT FINAL MESSAGE FOR LOST… EXCEPT THE SHOW RARELY TRIED TO IMPLY THEIR DEFINITION OF DEPENDENCE WAS SYNONYMOUS WITH “FRIENDSHIP.” THE JOURNEYS WERE LARGELY SOLITARY. SO WHEN THE SHOW HAS THIS ENDING WHERE THEY JUST ALL SO HAPPY TO BE TOGETHER LIKE THEY ALL WERE IN THE SAME FRAT OR SOMETHING, IT NO COMPUTE. THE SHOW, FORALL IT’S “LIVE TOGETHER, DIE ALONE” MANTRA, RARELY TRIED TO PURSE THE TRUTH ABOUT THE TOGETHER, AND REMAINED FIXATED ON THE ALONE.

BUT MORE THAN THAT, THE THINKING IMPLIES A FIXED “ISLAND-ONLY” LIFE FOR THESE PEOPLE. YES, HULK KNOW THEY ALL GOT CALLED TO ISLAND FOR THE IMPORTANT DEED OF POSSIBLY TAKING OVER FOR JACOB (THE RELATIVE WORTH OF THAT KINDA SHADY TOO) BUT MOST LOSTIES HAD ALL THESE OTHER RELEVANT THINGS IN THEIR LIVES. KATE PRESUMABLY WENT BACK AND RAISED AARON AND DO WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE. CLAIRE TOO. DID HER AND AARON GROW UP TO HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP? DID SAWYER HAVE ANOTHER LIFE? DID THEY FIND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS TO SHARE THEIR JOY WITH? ALL OF THEM, WHAT DID THEY DO AFTER? BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEIR JOURNEY INTO THE AFTERLIFE INVOLVES ALL THE PEOPLE FROM THE PSYCHO-ISLAND AND NOT THE PRESUMED LOVED ONES THEY SPENT THE REST OF THEIR LIVES WITH. IT CONJECTURE, BUT BASED ON THE DEFINITION OF THE PURGATORY IT HIGHLY RELEVANT CONJECTURE.

IT GET AT HEART OF WHY THE WHOLE LAST 15 MINUTES JUST FEEL WRONG. HULK KNOW RELATIONSHIPS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE, BUT REALLY, WHY IT THESE RELATIONSHIPS??!?!? THE SHOW NEVER TRULY SUPPORTED THE IDEA BEHIND THIS KIND OF HAPPY GATHERING FOR THEM. FOR FUCK SAKE CLAIRE, MOST OF THESE PEOPLE LEFT YOU THERE OR TRIED TO KILL YOU. AND AGAIN, HULK’S POINTS ABOVE WITH THE SAYID/SHANNON THING SORT OF HIGHLIGHT THE ABSURDITY OF ALL OF IT.

SO WHY DO IT? UNFORTUNATELY, THE ONLY ANSWER TIE BACK TO SENTIMENTALITY. BECAUSE ON A THEMATIC LEVEL… IT JUST NOT MAKE SENSE FOR LOST… EMOTIONALLY, IT JUST FELT LIKE THE CONSOLATION PRIZE.

PROBLEM #7 – PURGATORY DUPLICITY – WE ALREADY BEEN THERE!

SO, WITH THE ALTERNATIVE TIME-LINE, THEY WERE BASICALLY IN LITERAL PURGATORY…. HERE THE THING: THEY ALREADY WERE IN PURGATORY. FROM ONSET OF SHOW THE AUDIENCE GUESSED THE ISLAND = PURGATORY. THE SHOW RUNNERS CAME OUT SURPRISINGLY EARLY ON AND SAID THIS NOT CASE. BUT THE REASONS EVERYONE GUESSED THAT BECAUSE THE SHOW SO CLEARLY AND OBVIOUSLY USED THE ISLAND AS SYMBOLIC PURGATORY. ALL THE CHARACTERS ARRIVED IN PLANE CRASH, THEY LITERALLY “LOST,” THEY EACH BROUGHT WITH THEM A GREAT DEAL OF EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE, SO THEY SORTED OUT THEIR SHIT ON MYSTICAL ISLAND AND PROMPTLY DROPPED DEAD THE MOMENT THEY FIGURED IT OUT. MEANING THEY “MOVED ON” SO TO SPEAK…

SO… WHAT… THE ALTERNA-TIMELINE LIKE… SECOND PURGATORY? HULK AWARE THERE SEVERAL HINDU/OTHER RELIGIOUS TENETS INVOLVED IN THIS IDEA AND REPEATING LIFE UNTIL BE COME MORE AND MORE PURE (MMORSE DOES GREAT JOB EXPLAINING THIS IN COLUMN HULK LINKING TOO LATER SO HULK NOT GOING BOTHER EXPLAINING IT WORSE) FOR HULK, THIS UTILIZATION NOT EXACTLY WORK, BUT FOR SAKE OF ARGUMENT, LET’S ALL SAY EVERYONE ON BOARD WITH THE CONCEPT AND FIND IT INTERESTING: THE LOSTIES REPEATING THIER LIVES, GETTING IT MORE PERFECT, SO THEY CAN ASCEND TO THE FINAL HEAVEN… FINE… BUT IT STILL THE DRAMATIZATION OF THE EXACT SAME THING EXPERIENCED ONCE BEFORE. WITH THE RARE EXCEPTION, THE ALTERNA-TIMELINE NOT THEM GETTING SECOND CHANCES TO DO THINGS THEY NEVER DID. THEY ALREADY DID THEM. ALL THE LESSONS THE MAIN CHARACTERS LEARNED WERE THINGS THEY ALREADY LEARNED ON ISLAND. WHY WASTE A WHOLE SEASON ON IT? IT COMPLETELY WITHOUT DRAMA. BUT EVEN WORSE, IT COMPLETELY WITHOUT POINT.

SERIOUSLY, ASIDE FROM SOME SHEDDING LIGHT ON HINDU CONCEPTS OF MULTIPLE LIFES, WHAT WAS NEW THEMATIC THING EXPRESSED IN THE PURGATORY PLOTLINE? HULK TRULY BELIEVE THAT IF THE SHOW DITCHED THE ENTIRE PURGATORY PLOTLINE AND THE ENDING CHURCH THEME, THE SHOW WOULD NOT HAVE LOST A SINGLE CRITICAL THEME WITH THE CHARACTERS.

THINK ABOUT IT, ON THE ISLAND: JACK LEARNED TO EMBRACE HIS DEATH. KATE EMBRACED MOTHERHOOD. SAWYER EMBRACED TAKING CARE OF OTHERS AND FRIENDS. HURLEY EMBRACED LEADERSHIP AND RESPONSIBILITY. BEN LINUS ACCEPTED HIS GUILT AND MISDEEDS. JIN AND SUN ACCEPTED EACH OTHER (REMEMBER: IN THE FIRST SEASON THAT WAS THEIR CENTRAL PROBLEM. THEIR PLOTLINE ESSENTIALLY RESOLVED AFTER 3 SEASONS SO THE SHOW SPENT THE NEXT 3 SEASONS JUST KEEPING THEM APART). MICHAEL ACCEPTED RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS AND RETURNED TO THE ISLAND, SACRIFICING HIMSELF ON THE FREIGHTER. CLAIRE ACCEPTED THAT SHE HAVE PRETTY SERIOUS CASE OF POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION. SHANNON ACCEPTED NOT BEING SUCH A PRISS AND SLEPT WITH A MINORITY (OH COME ON). MILES ACCEPTED THAT HE IS AWESOME… AND LOCKE… WELL MAYBE LOCKE THE ONLY ONE WHO DIFFERENT BECAUSE HIS LAST MOMENTS INVOLVED HIS ACCEPTANCE THAT HE A CONFUSED, GULLIBLE FOOL… HOW SAD(18). BOONE ACCEPTED THAT HE WAS LOCKE’S LACKEY/TOOL (SERIOUSLY, THIS JUST RECONFIRMED IN THE PURGATORY PLOT LINE). JULIET ACCEPTED THAT SAWYER WILL ALWAYS HAVE A BONER FOR KATE SO THE ONLY WAY TO GET HIM TO COMMIT IS TO DIE (OKAY THAT NOT WHAT THAT SAYING, BUT COME ON, SHE CAN ONLY LOCK THAT DOWN IF KATE’S NOT AROUND). CHARLIE ACCEPTED THAT HE’S SEMI-WORTHLESS AND ONLY GOOD FOR A GIRL WHO HAS GOT MAJOR DADDY/BABY-DADDY ISSUES… OKAY SO EVEN THOUGH HULK JOKING WITH A BUNCH OF THESE AT THE END, THE POINT THAT ALL THEIR ISSUES ALREADY SOLVED ON A THEMATIC LEVEL, SO THERE NOTHING REALLY TO BE ADDED IN THE “DO OVER.”

HULK JUST CAN NO GET OVER IT. THE FINALE JUST FELT LIKE WAITING FOR CHARACTERS TO JUMP THROUGH HOOPS AND BEATS THAT ALREADY HAPPENED. THERE NOTHING “NEW” TO IT. THEIR MOMENTS OF TRANSCENDENCE = EMOTIONAL BEATS WE ALREADY HAD SATISFACTION OF REALIZING.

ON A THEMTATIC LEVEL IT REPETITIVE. AND ON A DRAMATIC LEVEL IT DOWNRIGHT SUCKS.

IN SCREENWRITING, THERE A LOT OF TALK ABOUT CLARITY AND ECONOMY. A MOVIE OR TV SHOW MEANT TO OPERATE IN TERMS OF BOTH. HULK KNOW THAT LOST BOTH THRIVED IN AND OPERATED UNDER THE VEIL OF MYSTERY AND ALLURE. BUT CLARITY AND ECONOMY MATTER IN THE LONG RUN. AND THE FINALE’S ENDING REVEAL HIGHLIGHTED A COMPLETE DISINTEREST IN BOTH OF THEM.

"TRUST ME, I WAS A TERRIBLE DOCTOR, I DESTROYED YOUR CHILDHOOD, MY TAKEN FORM DIRECTED YOU TO CERTAIN DOOM, AND I HAUNTED YOUR DREAMS. BUT TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN KIDDO, YOU'RE DEAD!"

PROBLEM # 8 – THE LECTURE

THERE FAMOUS ANECDOTE FROM THE FIRST FEW SEASONS OF LOST, IN WHICH THE WRITERS SAID IF THE SHOW EVER CANCELED, A TALKING MONKEY WOULD COME OUT AND EXPLAIN THE UNSOLVED CORE MYSTERIES OF THE SHOW VERBATIM. THE IDEA QUITE FUNNY, AND HULK ALWAYS APPRECIATED THE WRITERS’ CANDOR IN KNOWING THAT IT WOULD BE THE HILARIOUS/COMPLETELY UNSATISFACTORY WAY TO HANDLE THE STOPPAGE OF THE STORY AND WRAP UP THE MYSTERY.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE LAST 15 MINUTES CAME WAY TOO CLOSE TO THE MONKEY SPEECH.

IN THE ENDING MOMENTS, AS HULK SAT BEFORE HULK’S TV,  WATCHING THE LAST FEW MINUTES, HULK WAS DEEPLY WORRIED AND INTERESTED, ACHING FOR STORY AND THEMATIC CLARITY. THEN CHRISTIAN SHEPARD LOOKED ALMOST DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA AND LECTURED RIGHT AT HULK, TELLING HULK A GREAT DEAL OF WISHY-WASHY SENTIMENTS AND WAS ESSENTIALLY BEING EVASIVE. MORE SO, HE SAYING THAT SAYING HIS EVASIVENESS CRITICAL TO HULK’S CATHARSIS… NOW… HULK WOULD HOPE AT THIS POINT IT EVIDENT THAT HULK NOT SOME SNOT-NOSED, HIGH-SCHOOL-LEVEL, INDIGNANT TWERP WHO NO LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO THINK. THAT NOT HULK AND THAT NOT WHAT HAPPENING HERE… IT JUST THERE A LEVEL OF EGREGIOUS HALF-TRUTH COMING ACROSS FROM A CHARACTER WHO NOW SUPPOSED TO BE REPRESENTING ABSOLUTE PERFECT WISDOM.  AND THE HALF-TRUTH CONCERNS THE DISMISSAL OF CURIOSITY IN FAVOR OF EMBRACING UNKNOWABLE COMPLEXITY. JACK WANTS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENING AROUND HIM AND CHRISTIAN TELLING HE CAN NEVER KNOW. NOR SHOULD HE TRY TO KNOW. HE MUST EMBRACE HIS LACK OF UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPT IT. CASTING ASIDE THE RAMIFICATIONS OF THOSE WORDS (AND ODD POLITICAL DEDUCTIONS THAT COME WITH IT), THERE SOMETHING TO THE OUTRIGHT TELLING THAT DEEPLY UNSATISFACTORY. IT NOT JUST WITHHOLDING, BUT IT OUTRIGHT TELLING THE AUDIENCE “HEY! I’M BEING WITHHOLDING! DEAL WITH IT!” IT FAR MORE PATRONIZING THEN THE MERE DRAMATIZATION OF WITHOLDING, WHICH WHEN DONE WELL CAN BE TRANSCENDENT (I.E. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, MADE ROUGHLY SOME OF THE SAME POINTS IN STARK, GORGEOUS, DRAMATIZED FASHION). HECK, THERE PLENTY OF TIMES LOST DRAMATIZED THIS VERY SAME IDEA TO INCREDIBLE EFFECT (WHAT’S DOWN IN THE HATCH? WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THE BOMB WENT OFF), ETC. THAT SPOKE TO THE VERY SAME IDEA…. ONLY IT NOT A LECTURE.

BELIEVE HULK, THE DRAMATIC LEVEL OF TO THE LAST 15 MINUTES = ABSOLUTELY PARAMOUNT. AT THAT MOMENT, THE AUDIENCE MIRED IN NOTHING BUT CONFUSION, TRYING FOLLOW ALONG AND UNDERSTAND. AND HULK IMAGINE THAT MUCH OF WHAT HAPPENING HAVE BE REALIZED, NOT TOLD. CATHARSIS SHOULD BE EXPERIENCED, ESPECIALLY AN INTENDED CATHARSIS THAT MEANT TO BE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE SHOW. IT THE OLD ADAGE OF “SHOW DON’T TELL”  SO WHY THE LAST MOMENTS OF THE SHOW A LECTURE DIRECTLY TO THE AUDIENCE? COMPARE IT TO THE MATRIX RELOADED, WHICH NO MATTER HOW INTERESTING A CONVERSATION, RELIED ON A LECTURE FOR A CLIMAX. EVEN COMPARE IT TO RESOLUTION OF LOST‘S ON-ISLAND PLOTLINE, WITH THE OBVIOUS METAPHOR OF THE CORK IN THE BOTTLE… IT A MOMENT GROUNDED WITH AS LITTLE INFORMATION AS POSSIBLE, BUT FULL OF EMOTION AND BEAUTIFUL IMAGERY SO WE GET IT… IT NOT A LECTURE.

SO WHAT IF THE CHURCH SCENE HAD MORE OF DRAMA AND RELIED ON IMAGERY? WOULD IT HAVE BEEN SO PAINFULLY OVERT WITHOUT THE LECTURE? IF IT JUST SHOWED THE CHARACTERS HUGGING AND GOING INTO THE LIGHT? WOULD NOT HULK HAVE UNDERSTOOD THE THE SHOW WAS BEING SYMBOLICALLY WITHHOLDING AND LET HULK MAKE UP HULK’S OWN GODDAMN MIND? WHAT IF IT WAS ALL UNSAID?

HULK THINK IT BETTER THAN SOME GUY NAME CHRISTIAN SHEPARD SPITTING HALF-TRUTHS.

PICTURED: A CHURCH

PROBLEM #9 – THINGS JUST GOT ECUMENICAL UP IN HERE!

THE ENDING SCENE IN THE CHURCH ULTIMATELY JUST ABOUT CHRISTIANITY, EVEN IF HULK NOT SURE THAT DARLTON’S INTENTION. YOU MAY SAY, “BUT HULK, ALL THOSE DIFFERENT RELIGIONS REPRESENTED IN THE WINDOW! IT ABOUT ALL THE FAITHS!” … RIGHT.

FIRST OFF, HULK WANT BE REAL CAREFUL HERE. IN DISCUSSING VARIOUS TAKES ON NOT JUST RELIGION BUT SPIRITUALITY, THERE A BIG CHANCE TO OFFEND. PLEASE KNOW THAT NOT HULK’S INTENTION. HULK KNOW IT DANGEROUS GROUND BECAUSE THESE CONCEPTS NOT JUST PERSONAL, BUT INTRINSIC TO ONE’S IDENTITY. SO JUST KNOW THAT HULK TALKING ABOUT THEM IN TERMS OF CLARITY OF EXPRESSED IDEA AND NOT, YOU KNOW, ACTUAL BELIEFS. IT THEOLOGICAL CONVERSATION IN THE REALM OF PHILOSOPHY AND SCIENCE, NOTHING MORE… SO CONCERNING THE WHOLE CHURCH SCENE:

FIRST OFF YOU CAN CALL IT “THE CHURCH SCENE” AND EVERYONE ON PLANET KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT. SHIT, JUST GOOGLE IT AND SEE WHAT COME UP. THIS PERHAPS IMPLIES THE FINAL SCENE NOT AS PANTHEISTIC AS INTENDED. IT MEANT TO BE SO MUCH MORE, BUT IT ULTIMATELY JUST THE CHURCH SCENE. AND IT REALLY NOT REPRESENT “ALL FAITHS” IN THE WAY IT THINK IT DOES.

IT CALLED BEING ECUMENICAL. SOME HISTORY: THE ECUMENICAL MOVEMENT AIMED TO COMBINE THE CHRISTIAN FAITHS INTO UNIFIED GROUP, TO BOTH END STRIFE/ACHIEVE PEACE/CREATE SINGULAR CHRISTIAN MESSAGE. IN RECENT YEARS, ECUMENICISM COME TO DEFINE THE DESIRE TO BE INCLUSIVE OF ALL THE WORLD’S FAITHS INTO A SINGULAR MESSAGE OF PEACE, SIMILARITY AND COHESIVENESS. IT OBVIOUSLY SIMILAR TO UNITARIANISM, BAHA’I, THE NEW MONASTICS, AND OTHER MOVEMENTS THAT SEEM WELL-MEANING AND OFTEN PUTTING LOTS GOOD OUT IN THE WORLD. BUT THE PROBLEM WITH THIS KIND OF “INCLUSIVE” THINKING SORT OF OBVIOUS: IT DONE THROUGH THE LENS OF CHRISTIANITY (OR INSERT WHATEVER CHIEF RELIGION THE MOVEMENT CENTERED AROUND). OFTEN TIMES WE AS INCLUSIVE-CULTURE LIKE TO BELIEVE RELIGION ALL SAYING THE SAME THING. HULK NOT DENYING THERE VAST AMOUNT OF OVERLAP. NEARLY ALL HAVE VERSIONS OF CHRIST-LIKE FIGURES, VIRGIN MARYS, ANGELS, DEMONS, ETC. BUT WHAT IT REALLY DOING = JUST LOOKING FOR THE WAYS OTHER RELIGIONS LIKE CHRISTIANITY, NOT THE WAYS THE DIFFERENT. AND IT LARGELY THE WAYS IN WHICH RELIGIONS DIFFERENT THAT DEFINE THEM.

IT SURELY NOT INTENTIONAL,  BUT THE LENS OF THE BASE RELIGION SKEWS EVERYTHING. SOMETIMES IT NOT EVEN ALL THAT STRONG A DIFFERENCE. BOTH CHRISTIANITY AND HINDUISM HAVE A “FINAL ASCENDANCY” BUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN HOW THOSE EXPRESSED/REALIZED = VITAL. AND SOMETIMES THE ECUMENICAL INCLINATION NEED NOT BE CONCRETE IN TERMS OF THEOLOGY. IT CAN BE MORE ABOUT LIFESTYLE. MEANING THE INCLINATION TOWARD ECUMENICISM CAN END UP GLOSSING OVER THE COMPLICATIONS IN FAVOR OF HOMOGENIZED IDEAS. LIKE HOW SO MANY PEOPLE USE THE TENETS OF BUDDHISM TO APPROPRIATE SENSE OF BALANCE AND INNER PEACE IN OUR CRAZED WESTERN CULTURE. THE PROBLEM IS THE CENTRAL IDEAL OF BUDDHISM ACTUALLY FAIRLY DARK. IT ABOUT THE ABANDONING SUFFERING, WHICH ESSENTIALLY MEANS TURNING YOUR BACK ON THE WORLD AND NOT BEING INVESTED IN ANYTHING. SO YEAH… NOT EXACTLY A COMMUNAL SOLUTION, BUT MORE IMPORTANT IT NOT REALLY BHUDDISM. THE PROBLEM THAT YOU NOT APPROXIMATING YOUR RELIGION INTO THE WORLD, YOU APPROXIMATING THE WORLD’S REALITIES INTO YOUR RELIGION/LIFESTYLE. AND THAT SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY.

NOW OF COURSE THIS ALL BETTER THAN THE BLIND DOGMATISM THAT COMES WITH CERTAIN RELIGIOUS FERVOR. HULK WILL TAKE ECUMENICISM IN THE FACE OF EXTERNALIZED HATRED EVERY SINGLE TIME. AFTER ALL, “BEING RELIGIOUS IS THE HUMBLE BELIEF THAT ALL OTHER RELIGIONS ARE WRONG.” BUT EVEN ECUMENICISM STILL ABOUT TAKING WHAT YOU WANT AND APPROPRIATING INTO YOUR OWN VIEW. IN THE INHERENT BASTARDIZATION OF SOMETHING THAT, ON A PHILOSOPHICAL LEVEL, SUPPOSED TO BE THOUGHT OF AS COMPLET. (NOTE: HULK NOT THINK ANY RELIGION SHOULD BE VIEWED AS “COMPLETE” HULK JUST WANTED HIGHLIGHT THE PARADOX OF ECUMENICISM BEING MORE RELIGION-LIKE THAN ONE THINKS. INSTEAD OF RULES, FLEXIBILITY BECOMES THE RULE. ANYCRAP, THIS GETTING REFLEXIVE SO HULK SHOULD MOVE ON).

REALLY THE WHOLE THING ABOUT ECUMENICAL ACTUALLY BEING GOOD OR BAD = SEPARATE THEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT THAT WHOLLY DEPENDENT ON WHETHER OR NOT ONE RELIGIOUS. SO HULK NOT GOING GO DOWN THAT ROAD. HULK WOULD JUST ADDRESS ONE ASPECT OF IT: ONE COULD ARGUE WE LARGELY A CHRISTIAN CULTURE AND SO THAT JUST WHAT THEY USING TO EXPRESS THE IDEAS… FINE… BUT SOMETHING TELL HULK THAT NOT HOW WHAT DARLTON WANTED DO. HULK THINK THEY WANTED TO BE REPRESENTATIVE OF A SINGULAR MONO-RELIGION AND DID ODDLY PISS-POOR JOB AT IT. SUFFICE TO SAY THAT THIS DISPLAY OF ECUMENICISM NOT AN IDEAL REPRESENTATION OF PANTHEISM.

AND THE MOST RELEVANT POINT = THIS: LOST USUALLY SUPER GOOD ABOUT SHYING AWAY BEING ECUMENICAL. THESE GUYS SUPER-WELL-FUCKING READ AND KNOW THEIR THEOLOGY, SO THE SHOW RARELY TREATED IT AS MERE LIP SERVICE. THE SHOW PRESENTED VARIOUS RELIGIOUS CONCEPTS AND SIGNATURES TIME AND TIME AGAIN OVER THE SERIES, ALL HINTING THAT THAT THEY A PART OF AN INDEPENDENT CENTRAL ISLAND MONO-MYTH,  A GREAT HUMAN CONCEPT BEYOND RELIGION ITSELF… BUT THE IDEAS NEVER AS CONCRETE AND TANGIBLE AS THEY WERE IN THE PURGATORY CHURCH. SURE, THEY HINTED, BUT EVEN WHEN RELIGIOUS, IT RARELY FELT RELIGIOUS. NO BIG AFTERLIFE. NO CHURCH GATHERINGS. USUALLY SOME NATURAL EVENT WOULD HAPPEN AND ONE CHARACTER WOULD SEE IT THROUGH THE LENS OF FAITH AND ANOTHER THROUGH THE LENS OF SCIENCE. THE CHARACTERS WOULD HAVE THEIR OWN IDEAS AND USE THEIR OWN ISLAND TOOLS, RELIGIOUS OR SCIENTIFIC, TO TRY AND DISCERN, BUT THE SHOW ITSELF HAD DISTINCTLY NEUTRAL TONE ON THE MATTER. EVEN THE INFAMOUS JACOB/MIB EPISODE HAD CONTEXT-LESS LIGHT/ENERGY DESCRIPTION; THE CONTEXT-LESS CORK; ALL OF IT PART OF THE SHOW’S OWN MONO-MYTH AND THEY WORK. ALL BECAUSE THEY PLAYED INTO BASIC STORY THEMATICS.

WHICH JUST MAKES THE CHURCH SCENE FINALE PRETTY FUCKING WEIRD. IT DISTURBINGLY ECUMENICAL.  THE CHURCH. THE PEWS. CHRISTIAN SHEPARD. AND EVEN ALL THE OTHER RELIGIOUS SYMBOLS ETCHED INTO A STAIN GLASSED WINDOW AND THERE FEW THINGS MORE CHRISTIAN THAN A STAIN GLASSED WINDOW. NO TELL HULK THE PRODUCTION DESIGN OF ALL THIS NO MATTER. IT MATTER MORE THAN ANYTHING. AND IT MAKE THE SPIRITUAL INCLUSIVENESS FEEL LIKE LIP SERVICE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SHOW’S HISTORY.  IT ABSOLUTELY OVERT. IN THE SHOW’S FINAL MOMENTS, IT TOOK A SHOW THAT ALWAYS FLIRTED WITH THE CONCEPTS OF RELIGION, APPROPRIATED THEM INTO SOMETHING BIGGER, AND THEN JUST TOOK EVERYTHING IN A DEEPLY RELIGIOUS AND ODDLY CHRISTIAN TURN.

AND IT’S AN EVEN BIGGER PROBLEM WHEN THEY IMPLIED THE FOLLOWING:

IDIOT

PROBLEM #10 – THE BIG ONE – THE MAN OF SCIENCE IS A FOOL

THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF LOST JUST FOR THE MAN OF FAITH.

AND HULK CANNOT RECONCILE THAT. HULK HAS TRIED FOREVER TO TRY AND MAKE THE FINALE WORK IN HULK’S BRAIN, TO WRESTLE STUFF OUT OF THAT LAST SCENE AND APPROXIMATE SOMETHING THAT RESONATES. SOMETIMES IT FEEL LIKE HULK COME CLOSE. LOOKING AT THE HISTORY OF THE SHOW AND PARTICULARLY SOME INFO IN THE LAST SEASON, IT REVEAL SOME BITS OF HOPE. HULK WILL SOON LINK TO MMORSE’S GREAT BIT ABOUT MINKOWSKI SPACE (WHICH OBVIOUSLY RELEVANT BECAUSE THE MINKOWSKI CHARACTER APPEAR REGULARLY). BUT THE THEORY ESSENTIALLY WORK LIKE THIS: THE WHITE BALL OF LIGHT AT CENTER OF ISLAND, FOR ITS MANY PURPOSES AND REPRESENTATIONS, ALSO A BIG BALL OF MINKOWSKI SPACE THAT ABSORB THE LOSTIES IN DEATH AND CREATE THIS PURGATORY WE NOW SEE. THIS RELEVANT BECAUSE MINKOWSKI SPACE APPROXIMATES SPACE TIME AND MEASURES IT WITH ONE TIME-LIKE DIMENSION (MEANING TIME CONVERGES, “THERE IS NO ‘NOW’ NOW”). AND THAT THE FINALE’S SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION. IT ALMOST ADEQUATE. BUT REALLY, WATCHING THAT SCENE IN THE CHURCH, WATCHING THAT ENTIRE PURGATORY STORYLINE IN LAST SEASON… IT NOT PRESENT IN THE SAME WAY SCIENCE OR NEUTRALITY OFTEN PRESENT IN THE SHOW. IT SHOWN IN COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY.

TO ILLUSTRATE WHY THIS A PROBLEM, HULK GOING TO COMPARE IT TO ANOTHER SHOW THAT CREATED A THEORETICALLY VERSION OF THE AFTERLIFE: SIX FEET UNDER DID A BRIEF EXPLORATION OF “HEAVEN” THAT ALSO EXPLORED THE SCIENTIFIC CONCEPTS OF DEATH, PARALLEL LIVES, REALITY, AND EVEN MINKOWSKI SPACE. AND QUITE FRANKLY, THEY DID IT IN FAR MORE INTERESTING WAY. NOT THAT HULK SAYING LOST SHOULD HAVE APED 6 FEET OR ANYTHING, THE TONES OF THE TWO SHOWS QUITE DIFFERENT, BUT THERE SEVERAL LESSONS LOST SHOULD HAVE ABSORBED. FOR ONE, IT SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A LARGER CUE ON THE “NO TELL” POLICY. HULK REFERENCED THE “THE LECTURE” ABOVE AND IT SO SURPRISING TO HULK THEY NO PUSHED IT FURTHER. LOST CERTAINLY A WEIRD AND COMPLEX ENOUGH SHOW TO GET AWAY WITH LOT MORE INTERESTING THINGS: VISUALS. TRANSITIONS. CINEMATICS. METAPHOR. SO WHY CONVEY THEIR POINT WITH AN INSANELY LINEAR PATH ABOUT THE VAGUERY OF DEATH EXPLAINED TO US VERBATIM? SIX FEET UNDER SIMPLY EXPOSED THE CHARACTERS TO THE CINEMATIC REALITY OF MINKOWSKI SPACE, WHOSE STRANGE, ABSTRACT ASPECTS WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE FOR LOST (MINUS THE “QUIRK” OF COURSE) . SO WHY NO GO THERE? THE SHOW EASILY EARNED THE RIGHT TO GO OUTRIGHT CEREBRAL. IT CONSTANTLY FAVORED METAPHOR. BUT IN THE END, IT INSTEAD OPTED TO KEEP THINGS ODDLY LOGISTIC. SADLY, THIS CHOICE TO BE OVERTLY STRAIGHT-FORWARD ONLY HIGHLIGHTED THE WAYS IN WHICH IT NOT LOGISTIC AT ALL.

EVEN WORSE IT LECTURED SOMETHING HULK FIND TO BE VERY OBJECTIONABLE WITHIN CONTEXT OF SHOW. THEY BASICALLY IMPLIED: THERE SOME THINGS SCIENCE CAN NO FIGURE OUT SO ULTIMATELY YOU HAVE TO GO ON FAITH. IT THE ONLY TRUE PATH TO “MOVING ON.”

WHY WOULD LOST EVER SAY THAT?

SURE, CHARACTERS ARGUED THAT VERY PERSPECTIVE BEFORE IN THE SHOW. BUT THEY JUST THAT. A PERSPECTIVE. ONE SIDE OF THE COIN. THE BLACK AND WHITE. JUST PART OF THE DUALITY LOST FOUND SO INTERESTING. EVEN WITH JACK’S STORYLINE AND HIS REALIZATION THAT LOCKE WAS “RIGHT,” THAT OBVIOUSLY TALKING MORE ABOUT FAITH IN SELF AND INSTINCT. THE FAITH TO HELP AND HAVE ACCEPTANCE. IT A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT KIND OF FAITH. BUT IN THE FINAL MOMENTS OF LOST, THE TRADITIONAL VERSION BLIND FAITH BECAME THE SHOW’S OUTRIGHT PERSPECTIVE. IT CEASED NEUTRALITY. MAYBE THEY MEANT ONLY TO SPEAK TO THE NATURE OF DEATH (WHICH HULK COULD ARGUE NOT EXACTLY TRUE (9)), BUT IT SPEAK TO SOMETHING HULK FIND VERY UNSETTLING…

GOING BACK TO LOOK OVER THE SHOW, THERE WHOLE BUNCH OF REOCCURRING PLOTS THAT FEATURE SCIENTISTS MISUSING THE “UNIQUE PROPERTIES” OF THE ISLAND, WHICH BASICALLY WE FIND OUT = THE CENTRAL WHITE LIGHT. AT FIRST, HULK JUST THOUGHT IT OVERT WARNING ABOUT REAPING THE LIGHT OF EARTH/RESOURCES, OR THE APPLICATION OF SCIENCE TO HORRIFIC MEANS MEANS (H BOMBS AND SUCH). WHICH, YOU KNOW, TOTALLY REASONABLE THING TO SAY AND HULK ON BOARD. BUT THE REALIZATION OF THE FINALE IMPLY IT MORE TROUBLING THAN THAT. THE LIGHT NOT JUST THE “ENGINE OF THE WORLD,” THE LIGHT = “MINKOWSKI SPACE/HEAVEN.” SO WOULD THIS NOT BE SAYING THAT SCIENCE INTENTIONALLY CANNOT GRASP THE NATURE OF CREATION? OR THE CREATIVE INSTINCT? OR THE AFTERLIFE? THAT IT CAN ONLY MANIPULATE AND RUIN IT? WHETHER INTENTIONAL OR NOT, IT IMPLY THAT SCIENCE INHERENTLY CORRUPTS. THAT IT DESTROYS THE AFTERLIFE AND TO KILL IT WOULD BE TO EXTINGUISH THE VERY MEANING OF LIFE.

IT IMPLIES SCIENCE ROBS US OF HEAVEN.

AND HULK THOUGHT THE WHOLE TIME LOST BEEN ARGUING THAT SCIENCE AND RELIGION THE SAME DAMN THING. BUT THROUGH THE LENS OF THE FINALE, IT REALLY NOT IMPLYING THAT WHATSOEVER. EVEN GOING BACK TO THE PARALLEL TIME-LINE HAWKING IDEA CREATED IN “LA…X”, IF IT JUST A RED HERRING AND THE PURSUIT OF SCIENCE JUST SOMETHING THAT CORRUPT HEAVEN, THEN THEY UNINTENTIONALLY DISCOUNTING THE WORK AND MESSAGE OF ONE STEPHEN HAWKING, A MAN THEY CLEARLY LAUD (REALLY, THEY USE THE IDEAS, BUT THEY ULTIMATELY SAYING IT NOT TRUE).

MAYBE NONE OF THIS INTENTIONAL. IN THAT CASE IT STRIKE HULK AS A MASSIVELY MISGUIDED USE OF METAPHOR. THEY MEANT ONE THING, AND WHOLLY IMPLIED ANOTHER.

NOW BEFORE JUMP ON HULK OVER SOMETHING OBVIOUS, OF COURSE THERE THINGS SCIENCE NOT FIGURE OUT YET. BUT HULK ARGUE THAT EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE SCIENCE. TO TRY AND FIGURE IT OUT. TO STRIVE AND COME TO GRIPS WITH THE WORLD AROUND US. TO UNDERSTAND. SCIENCE JUST A LOGICAL PROGRESSION. BECAUSE SCIENCE NO ACCEPT BLIND FAITH, IT TRY TO FIGURE OUT THE WORLD NOT FLAT, OR PUT A MAN IN SPACE, OR APPROXIMATE HOW SPACE TIME WORKS.  HULK NOT MEAN TO KEEP BRINGING UP THESE “OLD ADAGE” THINGYS, BUT THERE THIS GREAT EXAMPLE OF THIS DILEMMA CONCERNING SUNSETS. A SUNSET = A TRULY GORGEOUS THING, SO A HUMAN BEING LOOKS AT IT AND CAN NO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMETHING CREATED BY “NOTHING” COULD BE SO DAMN BEAUTIFUL, THUS THE CONCLUSION = “GOD MUST HAVE DONE IT.” WELL, INSTEAD SCIENCE ASKS WHAT IF IT MORE THAN THAT? SCIENCE INQUIRES ABOUT ATMOSPHERIC DENSITIES AND THE REFRACTIVE NATURE OF LIGHT. IT STRIVES TO TRACE THE ORIGIN AND INTERPRET THE HAPPY ACCIDENTS OF NATURE WE SEE AS BEAUTY. BEAUTY CAN BE HOW SCIENTIFICALLY WE UNDERSTAND THAT. AND OF COURSE THERE WILL BE ANOTHER QUESTION THAT COMES FROM THAT, AND ANOTHER, AND ANOTHER. OF COURSE WE CAN’T ANSWER THEM ALL IN A SINGLE LIFETIME.

BUT GUESS WHAT LOST? THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE JUST ACCEPT AND STOP TRYING. SCIENCE ABOUT THE NEXT STEP. THE NEXT LEVEL OF UNDERSTANDING. IT THE JOURNEY OF TIME.

WHAT IT ULTIMATELY COMES DOWN TO THAT THERE THIS IDEA THAT WE NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENS IN DEATH. BUT BELIEVE IT OR NOT, SCIENCE IS PART OF THESE THINGS. SCIENCE, IN ITS PURSUIT OF TRUTH ON EVIDENCE, WANTS TO TELL US EXACTLY WHAT LIFE AND DEATH IS WHETHER IT COMFORTING OR NOT. BUT SO OFTEN IN TV SHOWS, SCIENCE IN THIS CAPACITY = THE PURSUIT OF CHEATING DEATH. IT SEEN AS A PATHOLOGICAL, OFTEN VIOLENT OBSESSION, A LONE SCIENTIST HELL-BENT ON STAVING OF DEATH.

THIS WAS JACK. JACK WANTED TO “FIX EVERYONE” AND THAT WHAT APPARENTLY MADE HIM NOT AT PEACE. THIS CHARACTERIZATION DEEPLY MISGUIDED. JACK’S LACK OF PEACE COME FROM OTHER ISSUES. HIS WANTING TO FIX EVERYONE JUST WHAT MADE HIM A GREAT PERSON. A TRUE LEADER (REMEMBER THAT THE “SPIRITUAL” LOCKE BASICALLY KILLED BOONE IN THE PURSUIT OF HIS PIOUS JOURNEY). JACK SHOULD ALWAYS STRIVE TO FIX EVERYONE. AND PART OF THAT = THE NATURAL INCLINATION TO WANT TO TO UNDERSTAND. KNOWING LIMITS IS ONE THING. BUT DISCOUNTING THE THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE ANOTHER. AND IN THAT FINALE, HULK WANTED TO UNDERSTAND. NO, IT NOT CRIPPLE HULK BECAUSE HULK DIDN’T GET “THE ANSWERS.” NO IT NOT BECAUSE HULK FEAR DEATH AND SO HULK JUST REACTING FROM THAT. HULK THINK THAT LOST’S APPROACH LIKE THE LAZINESS OF THE SUNSET, IT SAYING ONE CANNOT KNOW SO DON’T BOTHER…

IT IMPORTANT REMEMBER HULK NOT IMPLYING THAT SOMETHING HAVE LINE UP WITH HULK’S PERSONAL SENSIBILITIES IN ORDER FOR HULK TO LIKE. TO CITE THE TIME HONORED WISDOM OF ART: IT NOT “WHAT IT ABOUT” IT “HOW IT ABOUT.” THIS PRACTICALLY A REQUIREMENT OF WATCHING ANY MOVIE. HULK CAN LOVE DIRTY HARRY AND IT BASICALLY ADVOCATING POLICE FASCISM. WHY? BECAUSE IT SELF-AWARE. IT HAVE GREAT EDITING. IT COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. MEANWHILE, MICHAEL MOORE CAN MAKE FILMS THAT TAP INTO THE SAME “WHAT” HULK USUALLY BELIEVE POLITICALLY-SPEAKING, BUT THE “HOW” HE MAKE THOSE MOVIES VIOLATE SO MANY CORE RULES OF DOCUMENTARY FILM-MAKING THAT HULK CANNOT ABIDE THEM. HULK COULD WATCH A MOVIE ABOUT FAITH AND AFTERLIFE WITH BIG BOLD RELIGIOUS IDEAS AND STILL TOTALLY LOVE IT. GUESS WHAT? HULK LOVED THE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA FINALE AND THAT WAY, WAY, WAY MORE RELIGIOUS THAN LOST. BUT THAT SHOW HANDLED ITS RESOLUTION IN A MUCH MORE COMPELLING FASHION AND TOTALLY MADE SENSE WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF THE SHOW. IT NOT THE WHAT IT ABOUT. IT HOW IT ABOUT.

AND LOST WAS ALWAYS SO CAREFUL AND CONSIDERATE WITH THE HOW, WASN’T IT?

AND THEN SUDDENLY, THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF THE FINALE WWER SOMETHING ELSE. IT WAS SENTIMENTAL. IT WAS BAD STORYTELLING. IT WAS A-DRAMATIC. IT WAS COMPLETELY DISHONEST TO TWO CHARACTERS.  IT WAS FULL OF CONFUSED LOGIC.  IT WAS CONVENIENT. IT WAS REPETITIVE. IT WAS LECTURING. IT WAS ECUMENICAL. IT WAS ULTIMATELY EXCLUSIVE.

IT WAS NOT LOST.

AND THAT’S A DEAL-BREAKER LADIES.

PART 3 – THE AFTERMATH OF “THE PROBLEMS”

DESPITE ALL THIS, HULK NO THINK LOST “FUCKED IT UP” OR “SHIT THE BED.” THEY DID SOMETHING UNCHARACTERISTIC AND MISGUIDED. THAT IT. AND WHAT LEAD TO THAT CONCLUSION WERE SIMPLY THAT THE TEN PROBLEMS LISTED ABOVE NOT CRITICAL IN AND OF THEMSELVES, BUT WHEN BANDED TOGETHER IT CREATE A BIGGER PICTURE OF SOMETHING BEING “OFF”. EVEN IF THIS ALL NOT SEEM SO BAD, NO TELL HULK THAT IT MEAN HULK’S CONCERNS TRIVIAL. YOU MAY THINK HULK JUST HAVE A SAD CASE OF THE WHAT-HAVE-YOU-DONE-FOR-ME-LATELY’S?  BUT THE LAST 15 MINUTES = THE FINAL IMAGE OF THE SERIES. THE LASTING IMPRESSION. AND IT IMPORTANT. THE ENDING IS THE CONCEIT.

BUT HULK NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTER HERE. THE PUBLIC OPINION CRUCIAL AND IT DIVERGED WILDLY. SOME LOVED THE CHANCE TO SEE THEIR CHARACTERS TOGETHER AND AS HAPPY AS THEY WANTED TO FEEL. SOME JUST FELT LIKE IT WAS A DUMB REVEAL. SOME GOT MICRO-ANALYTIC. A LOT OF PEOPLE SHRUGGED.

PREDICTABLY, THERE WERE A GOOD PORTION OF PEOPLE PISSED ABOUT THE LACK OF ANSWERS AND DEMANDED MORE. THE VIDEO PRETTY HILARIOUS, BUT THE MORE HILARIOUS THING THAT MOST OF THOSE QUESTIONS YOU COULD ANSWER WITH BASIC SYMBOLISM OR EVEN MINOR UNDERSTANDING OF THE SHOW’S THEMATIC ISSUES. HULK MEAN, HOW DID THEY EVEN WATCH THIS SHOW WITHOUT DOING THAT?(10) BESIDES, TURNS OUT THE SHOW HAD PRE-FILMED AND THE SUBSEQUENTLY RELEASED THE EPILOGUE. IT WAS MET WITH A LARGE THUD. TURNS OUT ALL THE ANSWERS NOT WHAT PEOPLE WANTED. WHY? BECAUSE THE WAY THEY GOT THOSE ANSWERS JUST = “THE LECTURE” TIMES TEN. IT ANTI-CLIMACTIC. IT IMPOSSIBLY BORING. THERE ABSOLUTELY NO DRAMA OR CATHARSIS OR STORY OR ANYTHING. IT JUST A PERSON JUST TELLING YOU ANSWERS. THIS TRULY FELT THE MONKEY ANECDOTE. AND HULK ARGUE THIS WHAT HAPPEN WHEN PEOPLE THINK THEY WANT ANSWERS AND NOT WILLING TO PURSUE THE MORE SUBTLE OR THEMATIC “ANSWERS.”

MEANWHILE, THE CRITICAL OPINIONS OF THE FINALE (AS IN FROM ACTUAL CRITICS) SEEMED EQUALLY SPLIT. DEVIN FARACI CALLED IT LOST‘S “BIG GNOSTIC WET FART ENDING.” PERHAPS THAT BIT HARSH, BUT HIS APPRAISAL  FILLED WITH IMPOSSIBLY GOOD INSIGHTS ABOUT GNOSTICISM/ ZOROASTRIANISM AND THE LAZINESS WITH WHICH IT USED THOSE CONCEPTS. IT REALLY A GREAT READ, EVEN THOUGH HULK DISAGREE SLIGHTLY ABOUT ITS DEVALUING OF CERTAIN ON-ISLAND PLOT LINES. HULK MORE HOLDS THE FAILURES OF THE ENDING REVEAL TO BE IMPLICATE OF THE PURGATORY PLOT LINE (THOUGH OBVIOUSLY, NOT SOLELY).

ON THE OTHER HAND, THERE THE EXCEPTIONAL COLUMNS OF M. MORSE. HE HAD A MUCH MORE POSITIVE TAKE ON THE FINALE. THE PAGE COUNTER SORT OF WEIRD ON THIS THING SO HAVE TO START AT “1” AND GO IN OTHER DIRECTION: http://www.chud.com/23907/back-to-the-island-lost-season-6-episodes-17-18/

THE FIRST THING YOU MAY NOTICE THAT EVERYTHING IN THIS COLUMN FANTASTIC. IT STALWART. DEEPLY INTELLECTUAL. GENUINE. HIS ACCOUNT OF THE PURGATORY AND RE-TRIALS OF LIFE. THE REFLECTIONS. THE CAPACITY FOR EXAMINATION. ALL WONDERFUL. AND HIS ACCOUNT OF MINOWSKI SPACE AND IT’S IMPACT ON  THE FINALE = REALLY WELL-THOUGHT OUT AND COMPLETE. HULK OBVIOUSLY HAVE DIFFERENT TAKE ON WHETHER THE SHOW ABANDONED SCIENCE IN NAME OF RELIGION, BUT THAT NOT BECAUSE EITHER OR US NECESSARILY MISSED ANYTHING. IT AN INTERPRETATION OF THE ONE. IF HULK FORCED TO DISAGREE, HULK WOULD SIMPLY ARGUE THAT THE APPRAISAL TOO WILLING TO MAKE CONNECTIONS SEEM SOLID WHEN THEY MORE TENUOUS TO HULK. FOR EXAMPLE, MINKOWSKI SPACE, AS INTERESTING AS IT IS, COMES OFF AS SCIENTIFIC PATCHWORK CURE-ALL TO EXPLAIN LOST’S “HEAVEN.” IN PRACTICAL REALITY MINKOWSKI SPACE MORE OF A WORK AROUND FOR CATEGORIZING TIME SINGULARITY IN MATHEMATICAL TERMS. MEANING IT ABOUT MAKING THE MATH WORK RATHER THAN BEING CREATED AS A CONCEPT FOR US FIGURING OUT HOW TIME WORKS. THIS MAY SEEM LIKE WEIRD OBSERVATION GIVEN THAT HULK PREVIOUSLY ARGUED THAT THE LOST SCIENCE CAN BE PSEUDO SCIENCE AND THAT TOTALLY COOL, BUT HULK ARGUING THE PROVERBIAL “STAGE” OF THE LAST 15 MINUTES REQUIRE THAT THIS SCIENTIFIC THEORY BE A BIT MORE COMPLETE AND INTEGRAL. FOR EXAMPLE, THINK OF HOW MUCH CARE, TIME, AND ATTENTION WENT INTO THE ESTABLISHING THE CONCEIT OF THE NARRATIVE FEINT: TO JUSTIFY STEPHEN HAWKING’S IDEA THAT TWO CONCURRENT TIMELINES COULD ORIGINATE FROM A SINGLE POINT OF HISTORICAL INFLUENCE. THEY KNEW THEY HAD TO JUSTIFY IT OR ELSE THE AUDIENCE WOULD HAVE ABANDONED. AND THUS, THE CONCEPT HAMMERED INTO OUR HEADS. SO WHY DID MINKOWSKI SPACE NOT GET THAT TREATMENT? SERIOUSLY, HULK THINK THAT THE CONCEPT ONLY REGISTERED WITH, LIKE, 3% OF VIEWERS, IF THAT. BUT NO WORRY IT ONLY THE END OF THE SHOW! IT HAD TO BE BECAUSE THEY WANTED IT TO BE A REVEAL.

BUT BEYOND THE AUDIENCE-INDUCED-LOGIC, HULK’S MAIN ARGUMENT ABOUT THE LAST 15 MINUTES LARGELY A MATTER OF TONE. HULK ARGUE MMORSE BRILLIANTLY SUMS UP THE WHAT OF LOST, BUT HULK ARGUE THERE SOMETHING DIFFERENT GOING ON WITH THE HOW.(11) EVEN IF ALTERNATIVE INTERPRETATIONS CAN BE FOUND FOR THE LAST 15 MINUTES, THEY NOT WHAT YOU EXPERIENCING IN THAT MOMENT.

HISTORICALLY SPEAKING, LOST WOULD ALWAYS PRESENT EVIDENCE WITH CRYPTIC, BOLD IMAGERY THAT ALWAYS LEFT IT UP TO YOU. AND IN THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT OF THE SHOW, THE WRITERS SHOVED YOU IN A SINGULAR DIRECTION. EVERYTHING ELSE BECAME LITERAL WINDOW-DRESSING. WE GOT AN AN UBER-STRAIGHTFORWARD, OUTRIGHT EXPLAINED-TO-YOU, HYPER-CHRISTIAN MOMENT. MAYBE THE SHOVE NOT INTENTIONAL, BUT IT WAS CERTAINLY A SHOVE. HULK GUARANTEE THAT THE WHOLE ROOM HULK IN WHILE WATCHING FELT IT. THE INESCAPABLE TRUTH THAT A MAN NAMED CHRISTIAN SHEPARD GUIDING PEOPLE FROM A BARELY-EUCIMENICIZED CHURCH INTO THE LIGHT OF WHAT CAN REALLY ONLY BE CALLED “HEAVEN”. AND WHEN THEN SCIENTIFICALLY INCLINED MIND CHIRPS UP, THEY TOLD NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT, FOR IT SOMETHING THEY CAN’T POSSIBLY KNOW. THAT = A SHOVE.

YOU MAY SAY: “HULK, WHY DOES THAT BOTHER YOU SO MUCH?” DIDN’T HULK MENTION THAT HULK ALWAYS LIKED THE WAY THE SHOW BECAUSE IT NO TRY AND ANSWER EVERYTHING? THAT THINGS SHOULD BE AMBIGUOUS? SO WHY YOU GETTING SO PISSED THAT THE SHOW ESSENTIALLY CONVEYING THAT SAME MESSAGE?”

AGAIN. IT NOT THE WHAT IT THE HOW. HULK THINK IT CONVEYED THAT MESSAGE WITH ZERO COMPLEXITY OR DRAMA. AND HULK THINK IT DID IT IN AN ALMOST JUVENILE SORT OF INDIGNATION AND ALL SORTS OF NARRATIVE/THEMATIC HOLES.

IT NOT LIKE HULK SAYING ALL THIS OUT OF SOME EMOTIONAL REACTION, HULK LITERALLY BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS QUESTION/PROBLEM/DILEMMA FOR WELL OVER A YEAR.

THE FOLLOWING SORT OF LAME CONJECTURE, BUT HULK FEEL IT RELEVANT:

HULK WANT KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THE WRITERS NO GO IN THE PURGATORY DIRECTION… IF THE “ALTERNA-WORLD” STILL JUST ANOTHER TIMELINE SET OFF BY THE H-BOMB. HULK ARGUE IT STILL WOULD HAVE CONVEYED EVERYTHING WITHOUT THE OVERT PROBLEMS AND IT COULD HAVE DONE SO BEAUTIFULLY: A LIFE ON ANOTHER EARTH. A SECOND CHANCE. IF THE ISLAND A METAPHORICAL PURGATORY, THEN THE SECOND ALTERNATIVE TIMELINE COULD BE A METAPHORICAL AFTERLIFE. A CHANCE FOR THE LOSTIES TO GET THAT HAPPINESS AND CONTENTMENT. HECK, YOU CAN EVEN HAVE THEM REALIZED THEY DIED IN THE OTHER TIMELINE, HAVE THAT REALIZATION CONNECT THE ON-ISLAND PLOT LINE AND ALLOW THE LOSTIES TO SAVE THE LIGHT OF THE ISLAND, WHICH IN TURN COULD BE ACCREDITED TO CREATING THE MULTIPLE TIMELINES TO BEGIN WITH, WHICH IN TURN GIVES THE WHOLE FATALISTIC DESIRE TO DETONATE THE H-BOMB A FUCKING POINT, AND IN TURN ALLOW FOR THE CHARACTERS IN THE ALTERNATIVE WORLD TO GRASP ALL THIS AND GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO METAPHORICALLY “MOVE ON.” NOT IN LITERAL CREEPY RELIGIOUS SENSE, BUT MOVE FORWARD WITH THEIR LIVES IN PEACE AND TRUE HAPPINESS IN THE WAY THAT THE MISTAKES OF THE “PAST” LIFE DIDN’T ALLOW THEM TO. WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN SENTIMENTAL MAYBE TOO? SURE. BUT IT WOULD HAVE FELT LIKE LOST. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY IT WOULD STILL CONVEY ALL THE SAME RELIGIOUS OVERTONES, LIKE HINDUISM MULTIPLE CHANCES OF GETTING RIGHT BEFORE MOVING TO ASCENDANCE. IT COULD USE THE NON-INVASIVE LOSTIAN TRICK OF INCORPORATING ALL THOSE RELIGIOUS IDEAS INTO THE PRODUCTION DESIGN. BUT IT WOULDN’T HAVE CENTERED AROUND A ECUMENICAL HEAVEN. IT WOULD HAVE CENTERED AROUND THE CHARACTERS.

HULK KNOW GETTING INTO THE “WHAT THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE” GAME = LAME CONJECTURE. AT WORST, IT A FAN WRITING SOMETHING HE WISHED HAD HAPPENED. HULK KNOW THIS, BUT HULK JUST TRYING SHOW HOW IT POSSIBLE TO ASSIMILATE THE SAME THEMES INTO A NARRATIVE DECISION THAT LESS OVERT AND EXCLUSIVE.

SO HULK ASK AGAIN, WHY COULD THIS NOT HAPPEN?

LOST COULD ALWAYS DO IT BEFORE. IT COULD BE TRANSCENDENT. IT COULD PLEASE THE MAN OF SCIENCE AND THE MAN OF FAITH. SO WHY NOT NOW? WHY SAY THE MAN OF SCIENCE IS LIMITED IN THE FINAL MOMENTS? WAS THAT THE INTENTION THE WHOLE TIME? HULK NOT THINK SO, BUT TRUTH THAT HULK NOT REALLY KNOW.

HULK JUST KNOW THESE TEN CENTRAL PROBLEMS OF THE LAST 15 MINUTES INADVERTENTLY CORRUPT A STORY THAT 99.9% GENIUS. THE WRITERS WANTED TO LEAVE A BIG BOLD OPEN ENDED ANSWER BUT THEY DID IT IN THE WRONG WAY. IT NOT OPEN ENDED. IT A LAUNDRY LIST OF CONTRADICTIONS. AND UNLIKE BEFORE, IT NOT LIKE HULK FEEL LANY ONE OF THEM COULD BE TRUE (THE “ALL ANSWERS IN SUBSET B” THING). INSTEAD HULK FEEL LIKE NONE OF THEM COULD BE TRUE.

AND AT CORE, THE PROBLEMS REALLY ALL THE SAME.

ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL, IT NEVER FELT LIKE LOST.

PART 4 – WHAT THIS MEAN FOR HULK, GOING FORWARD

THE DOLL-POINTING JOKE THAT HULK USED IN TITLE OF ARTICLE ONE THAT OFTEN USED BECAUSE IT ANALOGOUS TO FEELING “VIOLATED.” THIS A CRASS, HORRIBLE WAY OF PUTTING IT AND HULK NOT TRYING BE CRASS. BUT THE REASON PEOPLE USE THE TERM “VIOLATED” FAIRLY OBVIOUS: ALL THESE UPDATES, REBOOTS, REMAKES AND SHITTY PREQUELS PISS PEOPLE OFF BECAUSE THEY NO ABLE LOOK AT THE PROPERTIES THE SAME WAY.

ON ONE LEVEL, OF COURSE THIS INSIPID. PEOPLE INTERNALIZE THEIR LOVE OF PROPERTIES. THEY NO DIGEST AND PROCESS THEM. JUST SIMPLY ABSORB EVERYTHING IN EMOTIONAL AND VISCERAL TERMS. AS A RESULT, THEY OFTEN TAKE THE REPULSION TOO FAR, AND YES HULK SPECIFICALLY REFERENCING THE POPULAR “GEORGE LUCAS RAPED MY CHILDHOOD” VIEWPOINT. THE SENTIMENT RIDICULOUS, INSOLENT, GUARDED, ADOLESCENT BULLSHIT. ONE THAT COMPLETELY LACK PERSPECTIVE. WHY? BECAUSE GOING THAT FAR IMPLY THE ORIGINAL STAR WARS FILMS DON’T STILL EXIST OR HAVE INHERENT VALUE. AND BOY CAN THE ORIGINALS STILL BE ENJOYED. BETTY HADN’T SEEN THEM SINCE SHE WAS A KID SO SHE AND HULK WATCHED A FEW YEARS AGO. IT WAS PURE JOY. EVER SIT A LITTLE KID DOWN IN FRONT OF THEM? STILL WORK LIKE GANG BUSTERS.

BUT HERE THING… THE PUBLIC CONVERSATION CONCERNING STAR WARS VASTLY DIFFERENT NOW. THE ORIGINAL MOVIES ARE NOT TARNISHED, BUT THE PREQUELS HAVE UNDENIABLY AFFECTED THE BEHAVIOR OF THE CULTURE, HOW WE TALK ABOUT GEORGE LUCAS, AND EVEN MANY OF THE PLOT IMPLICATIONS OF THE ORIGINALS. AND HONESTLY, THAT CULTURAL CONVERSATION MATTER. THE COMMUNITY OF FANDOM, FOR ALL IT’S PROBLEMS, STILL A WONDERFULLY BINDING THING. AND WHEN THE CULTURAL CONVERSATION SHIFT TOWARD DEVISIVENESS BECAUSE SOMETHING HAS DEEPLY WOUNDED THE OVERALL QUALITY OF SAID PROPERTY, THEN THAT MATTERS.

ENDINGS MATTER. YOU CAN NO DISMISS THE REALITY OF THE ENDING HAVING THE ABILITY TO “TARNISH” SOMETHING. THE WIRE FINALE UPHOLDS THE LEGACY OF IT BEING POSSIBLY THE BEST SHOW EVER. AND THAT HAPPENS DESPITE THE ENTIRE LAST SEASON BEING RIDDLED WITH TONE PROBLEMS. AS INTERESTING AS MCNULTY’S SERIAL KILLER FEINT OR TEMPLETON’S OVERT BOLD-FACED LYING MIGHT HAVE BEEN, NEITHER PLOT FELT LIKE THE WIRE. BUT IT DIDN’T MATTER, BECAUSE THE FINALE CORRECTED THAT AND GAVE THE SHOW THE MOST PERFECT SEND-OFF IMAGINABLE. THE SAME EXACT TONE-FIXING THING TRUE OF THE LAST SEASON OF BUFFY TOO. FINALES MATTER. THEM THE BREAKS. IT REALLY HOW YOU FINISH.

SO WHEN IT COMES TO LOST, EVERY SINGLE THING HULK SAID ABOUT THE SHOW IN PART 1 OF THIS PIECE, STILL ABSOLUTELY TRUE. THE SHOW ACCOMPLISH SO DAMN MUCH AND SHOULD BE LAUDED FOR YEARS TO COME.

BUT STILL, THE CULTURAL CONVERSATION HAS CHANGED.

AND THAT CONVERSATION ALWAYS SEEMS TO LAND ON THE FINALE. AFTER THE FIRST SEASON OF LOST, HULK WAS RUNNING AROUND EVERYWHERE TRYING TO GET PEOPLE TO WATCH THE FREAKING SHOW. IT WAS INCREDIBLE, RESONANT, FULL OF SO MUCH PROMISE. AS SEASONS WENT ON HULK BECAME MORE HESITANT, WAITING TO SEE IF THE SHOW COME THROUGH. MAYBE COMING THROUGH WAS IMPOSSIBLE. MAYBE THEY TRIED ACCOMPLISH THE MOST DIFFICULT TRICK EVER, BUT HULK HAD FAITH BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS PULLED IT OFF THAT TRANSCENDENCE BEFORE. AND THEN THE FINALE LET THE AIR OUT. THE CONVERSATION FIXATED ON THE BASIC APPROPRIATION: UNLIKE BATTLESTAR OR EVEN THE SOPRANOS, WHOSE CONVERSATIONS FOCUSED ON THE VARYING INTERPRETATIONS OF LARGELY SYMBOLIC MOTIFS, THE ENDING OF LOST SIMPLY CAME DOWN TO A MANNER OF “I WAS OKAY WITH IT” OR “I WASN’T OKAY WITH IT.” THE EFFECT HAS BEEN DISHEARTENING.

SO HULK HAVE THIS KICK-ASS T-SHIRT OF DESMOND AND DANIEL FARADAY STANDING BY THE B.T.T.F. DELOREAN.

THIS ONE

HULK LOVED THIS SHIRT.

AND NOW, HULK FEEL TINGE OF NOT LIKING WEAR IT.

HULK KNOW THAT KIND OF STUPID. BUT HULK NOT ANGRY, OR SMASHY, OR FEEL VIOLATED.

HULK JUST FEEL A LITTLE SAD.

THERE JUST SO FEW THINGS ON THIS EARTH THAT ONE CAN TRULY LOVE. YES, WE SHOULD BE RATIONAL AND BALANCED ABOUT IT, BUT IT SO NICE TO HAVE THINGS IN OUR LIVES THAT FOR LACK OF BETTER WORD, PURE.

BUT HULK SIMPLY HAVE TO ADMIT: THE FINALE HAS CHANGED HULK’S ABILITY TO PURELY LOVE LOST.

SO DARLTON, HULK KNOW IT WEIRD FOR HULK TO CRAZILY DISSECT THIS THING THAT MUST BE DEEPLY PERSONAL FOR YOU BOTH. JUST KNOW THAT HULK REALIZE THERE BIGGER PICTURE TO ALL OF THIS AND HULK HOPE YOU CONTINUE TO KEEP PUTTING GREAT STUFF INTO THE WORLD. HULK GREATLY LOOKING FORWARD TO PROMETHEUS FOR ONE. SERIOUSLY, RETURNING RIDLEY SCOTT TO SCI-FI = A TRUE HONOR. SO HULK LOOKING FORWARD TO THE FUTURE.

AS FOR THIS OPEN LETTER? IT NOT SUCH A BIG DEAL. IT JUST HULK TRYING TO EXPLAIN A FEELING. TO SUM UP AN EXPERIENCE ABOUT THIS SHOW YOU SHARED WITH US.

SEE YOU IN ANOTHER  LIFE BROTHERS (METAPHORICALLY OF COURSE),

-HULK

P.S. – HULK INVITE ANY AND ALL TO DISAGREE. PLEASE. FIND ERRORS IN HULK’S LOGIC. CONTRADICT HULK. THE THING ABOUT ALL OF THIS IS THAT HULK SO DESPERATELY WANT LIKE THE FINALE. BUT HULK CAN NO RECONCILE WHAT THEY TRIED DO, EVEN YEAR AND HALF LATER.

BRING THE JACKFACE!

ENDNOTES:

(1) – EVERYONE USES THE DEVICE OF PUTTING “LOST” IN ALL CAPS, BUT THAT LOSES EFFECT WITH THE ALL-CAPS-HULK-TALK. SO HULK BOLDING IT EVERY TIME. SORRY IF ANNOYING.

(2) – AS MUCH CRAP AS THEY GOT FOR THEIR “LITERAL CORK” AND KEYSTONE, IT REALLY NO DIFFERENT THEN THE BIG MYTHIC SYMBOLIC STUFF THAT CENTER AROUND MOST FANTASY/SCI-FI. LOST WAS NEVER AFRAID TO USE AN OBJECT AS A BIG BROAD METAPHOR. THEY ALWAYS DID. EVEN IF YOU FOUND IT SILLY, IT STILL FELT LIKE THE SHOW.

(3) – AND YES, TO ACTUAL SCIENTISTS READING THIS, HULK KNOW THAT LOST = MOSTLY PSEUDO-SCIENCE. SOMETIMES EVEN JUNK SCIENCE. HULK ARGUE THIS OKAY BECAUSE THEIR INTEREST PURELY AT ARMCHAIR LEVEL AND WHAT MORE COULD EXPECT? IT HARD BE EXPERT AT LOTS THINGS. HULK WOULD NORMALLY ARGUE THAT FULL COMMITTING TO SCIENCE INVOLVED SHOULD BE STRIVE FOR, BUT HONESTLY THE SHOW MORE INTERESTED IN WHAT THOSE SCIENTIFIC EXPLOITS SAY ABOUT HUMAN BEINGS THAN WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT SCIENCE. SO THEY DECIDED MASSAGE SCIENCE INSTEAD OF OUTRIGHT VIOLATING IT. IT ABOUT A DIFFERENCE IN GOALS. AND THE GOAL OF LOST A PURE ONE… USUALLY… HULK WILL GET TO PROBLEMS WITH THE PURGATORY SCIENCE LATER.

(4) – FOR A MUCH MORE EXTREME EXAMPLE, IMAGINE IF A GAME OF THRONES ENDED WITH ALL THE DEAD CHARACTERS GETTING TOGETHER AND HUGGING. RIGHT. IT RIDICULOUS. YOU MAY ARGUE THAT EXTREME AND G.O.T. A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT KIND OF SHOW, BUT HULK ARGUE LOST  = A VERY DIFFERENT KIND OF SHOW TOO. IN THE VEIL OF ALL THOSE MYSTERIES,AND GRIMNESS, WHERE OFTEN THE ONLY HOPE A LITERAL RAY OF LIGHT OR A MERE CHANCE AT SURVIVAL, WHATEVER MADE YOU THINK THAT SHOW WOULD END WITH A BIG HAPPY HUG IN HEAVEN? TO HULK, G.O.T. MAKES JUST AS MUCH SENTIMENTAL SENSE.

(5) – FOR EXAMPLE, HURLEY’S NUMBERS EPISODE. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE NUMBERS SUPPOSED TO MEAN BUT THE TONE OF THEM SO ROOTED IN PARANOIA, QUIRK, AND HURLEY’S FEARS THAT IF FEEL INTEGRAL. THEY THE SAME THING REALLY. MEANWHILE, THE “WAKING UP” MOMENTS IN PURGATORY NO INTEGRATE WITH TONE OR HIGHER PURPOSE UNTIL THE ACTUAL REVEAL IN LAST 15 MINUTES OF SHOW… ONE WONDERS WHY IT BECAME BORING OVER THE COURSE 6 EPISODES.

(6) – PEOPLE WRONGLY GIVE THE WRITERS OF SCI-FI/FANTASY A LOT OF CRAP ASSUMING THEY KNOW NOTHING OF WOMEN/RELATIONSHIPS AND LIVE IN THEIR MOMS BASEMENTS,  BUT COME ON GUYS. TRUE LOVE NOT = HAVING A HOT HOOKUP OR JUST A GIRL TALKING TO YOU... YOU KNOW BETTER.

(7) – SORRY FOR THIS “RIPPING VAGINA” IMAGERY, BUT HULK  CONSTANTLY SURPRISED BY AMOUNT OF PEOPLE WHO NOT KNOW ABOUT THE MEDICAL SPECIFICS OF BIRTH. YES. THERE OFTEN GREAT DEAL OF DAMAGE AND TEARING AND ALMOST EVERY BIRTH REQUIRES A LOT OF STITCHES… ALSO: GIRLS WITH LOWER BACK TATTOOS! THERE IS A PRETTY HIGH CHANCE YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET AN EPIDURAL. THE NEEDLE CAN NOT GO THROUGH SKIN ANYWHERE CLOSE TO A TATTOO (IT OFTEN HAS SPREAD INVISIBLE UNDER THE SKIN) BECAUSE IF ANY INK (EVEN DECADES OLD) GETS INTO YOUR SPINAL FLUID YOU COULD EXPERIENCE PARALYSIS OR DEATH. YOUR TATTOO ARTIST LIKELY NEVER INFORMED YOU. THIS SUCKS. HULK SORRY TO BE ONE TO TELL YOU. GET IT LOOKED INTO IF PLAN ON HAVING KIDS!

(8) – AND EVEN THOUGH LOCKE WAS “RIGHT” ABOUT THE ISLAND, HE WAS ULTIMATELY DUPED BY THE MIB IN REALLY CRAPPY FASHION. UGH. HEARTBREAKING. AND FOR A SHOW THAT ULTIMATELY TRIED TO ADVOCATE BLIND FAITH, IT SEEMS BLIND FAITH SERVED LOCKE SUPER SHITTILY.

(9) – OKAY HULK’LL DO THIS. BEWARE, HULK’S PERSONAL FEELINGS ABOUT DEATH/SPIRITUALITY WITHIN: HERE’S WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT DEATH. YOUR HEART STOPS PUMPING BLOOD. YOUR BRAIN STOPS WORKING. SCIENTIFICALLY SPEAKING WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE = YOU CEASE TO BE. IT NOT COMFORTING FOR SURE, BUT THAT WHAT HAPPENS ACCORDING TO SCIENCE. AND DESPITE A LOT OF CLAIMS, THERE NO REAL SCIENCE TO THE SOUL. BUT HERE THE THING, EVEN THOUGH IT HARSH, PEOPLE STILL HAVE TO SIMPLY BE AT PEACE WITH “THE END.” WHICH ODDLY WHAT LOST ALSO TRYING TO SAY, JUST WITH A MORE TRADITIONAL AND OVERT HEAVEN MODEL. WHETHER OR NOT BELIEVE IN IT, THE CONCEPT OF HEAVEN ABOUT BEING AT PEACE. SO HULK USE THE HEAVEN METAPHOR TO BE AT PEACE WITH LIFE AND LIKEWISE AT PEACE WITH DEATH. THUS HULK TURN TO THE SCIENTIFIC REALITY THAT IT JUST OVER. HULK NO HAVE TO GO INTO DEATH WITH WORRIES ABOUT THEOLOGICAL ARGUMENTS. HULK CAN JUST TRY AND BE GOOD AND HAPPY, HERE AND NOW. HULK CAN STRIVE FOR PEACE AT THIS MOMENT NOW. AT ALL MOMENTS… SOME ARGUE WITHOUT HEAVEN THERE NO GUIDE TO MORALITY, BUT EVEN SCIENCE ARGUE WE MUST BE GOOD SO WE CAN CO-EXIST ON THIS PLANET. SO THAT WE CAN MAKE GOOD ON THIS ONE CHANCE. IT’S “LIVE TOGETHER OR DIE ALONE” REMEMBER? LOST SAID THIS SO MANY TIMES AND TOOK IT TO HEART. HULK NO THIS MAY SOUND AWFULLY GRIM TO SOME, BUT HULK ARGUE IT STILL SPIRITUAL IN THE PUREST SENSE. HULK WILL PUT IT THIS WAY: PEOPLE WHO OFTEN FIND RELIGION OFTEN CITE A BEAUTIFUL “AWAKENING MOMENT” WHERE THEY OVERCOME BY COMFORT AND EMOTION THAT COMES WITH EMBRACING GOD. IT A KIND OF JOY THAT RESTS IN THE BONES… WELL, THE MOMENT HULK FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGE DTHAT HULK BEEN WRESTLING WITH LOGISTICAL CONCEPT OF AFTERLIFE FOR HULK’S ENTIRE LIFE AND ALL IT DID WAS MAKE HULK UNEASY, AND WHEN HULK DECIDED THAT HULK’S TRUE FEELINGS IN LINE WITH ATHIESM, IT AT THAT MOMENT HULK FELT TRULY HAPPY AND COMFORTABLE WITH LIFE/DEATH FOR FIRST TIME IN HULK’S LIFE. HULK FELT IT IN BONES. IT WAS HULK’S SPIRITUAL MOMENT.  BUT THE KIND OF WONDERFUL THING ABOUT SCIENTIFIC ATHEISM, WHILE IT STILL ABSOLUTE AND NOT AGNOSTICISM, IT STILL NOT A BINDING BELIEF. IF GOD COULD ALL OF A SUDDEN BE SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN (AND INTELLIGENT DESIGNERS, NO, IT CAN’T YET). HULK WOULD SIGN UP. BUT BEING RELIGIOUS CAN OFTEN BE BINDING. SPIRITUALITY WORKS BEST IN NON-BINDING FLUX, JUST LIKE THE EVOLUTION OF SCIENTIFIC PROGRESSION.

(10) – THERE ONE WAY IN WHICH HULK UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE FASCINATE OVER ANSWERS. IT GO BACK TO HULK’S THEORY THAT LOTS OF VIEWERS JUST NOT PERCEPTIVE TO SUBTLETY. THE SUBTLE THINGS INSTEAD AFFECT THEM ON A VISCERAL LEVEL, SO THAT. THEY CAN FEEL “GOOD” OR FEEL “BAD” ABOUT WHAT HAPPENING. BUT WHEN COME TO SUPPORT AND ANSWER WHY THEY LIKE/NOT LIKE WHAT THEY SAW, THEY POINT TO THINGS THEY UNDERSTAND AND THAT OFTEN MANIFESTED IN TANGIBLE, OBVIOUS THINGS. HULK TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE. AND IN LOST‘S CASE THE INABILITY TO ARTICULATE SUBTLETY MANIFESTS ITSELF BY SAYING THE PROBLEMS OF THE SHOW BECAUSE THEY NOT “ANSWER” THINGS.

(11) – AND THE HOW EVEN IMPACTS THE WHAT… AND MAYBE THE OVERT NATURE OF THE “HOW” WITH THE ENDING, IMPLY ONE TERRIFYING THING… THE SHOW NOT REALLY BEING SYMBOLIC OR METAPHORICAL ANYMORE. IT BEING LITERAL.

RANDOM THING #1! BY THE WAY. IF THE WHISPERS THE PEOPLE LEFT ON ISLAND WHO CAN NO “MOVE ON” THAT EVERYONE WHO DIE ON THE ISLAND, ARE ALL OUR LOSTIES THE WHISPERS? LIKE WOULD JACK BE A WHISPER? BUT PRESUMABLY NOT THOSE WHO LEFT THE ISLAND? HULK NO GET.

RANDOM THING #2! WITH M.MORSE HERE A GOOD PLACE START WITH HIS WORK ON CHUD: http://www.chud.com/author/jesse-custer/page/6/ AND HERE HIS BLOG: http://losttherewatch.blogspot.com/ HE GREAT. READ HIS STUFF.

Advertisements

HULK WATCH EAT, PRAY, LOVE FOR YOU ASSHOLES

HULK PRETTY GOOD AT AVOIDING MOVIES HULK KNOW WILL MAKE HULK WANT SMASH.  BUT THROUGH CIRCUMSTANCE, HULK HAVE WATCH EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE OTHER NIGHT…. IT SO ENRAGING HULK HAVE GO TO DESERT FOR SOME TANK-TOSSIN’ JUST TO BLOW OFF STEAM… BUT NOW, HULK FINALLY READY TALK ABOUT IT.

YOU MAY EXPECT HULK SIMPLY TEAR APART A FILM THAT SEEM LIKE FROU-FROU NONSENSE ON OUTSIDE. THAT NOT WHAT YOU GOING GET THOUGH . HULK WORK HULK’S ASS OFF ON THIS SO YOU GOING TO GET A FOUR-PART, 7000+ WORD TREATISE ON SELF-DELUSION, SELFISHNESS, THE TRUE VALIDITY OF MENTAL HEALTH, FEMINISM, AND WESTERN MALAPROPISM.

ENJOY!

FIRST, A FEW THINGS CONSIDER:

1) HULK NOT AGAINST “CHICK FLICKS.” HULK EVEN FIND THAT TERM REASONABLY OFFENSIVE. MANY PEOPLE CONFUSE THE LOW QUALITY AND PANDERING NATURE OF RECENT HOLLYWOOD ENTRIES WITH THE ACTUAL POTENTIAL QUALITY OF THE GENRE. THAT BIG MISTAKE. IN HULK’S VIEW, THERE SIMPLY GOOD MOVIES AND BAD MOVIES. HULK NOT CARE ABOUT GENRE OR INTENDED AUDIENCE.  SO EAT PRAY LOVE = MOVIE ABOUT FEMININITY AND PERSONAL ENLIGHTENMENT? SURE, PERFECT! IT TOPIC NOT EXPLORED ENOUGH IN MOVIES, SO SIGN HULK UP! BUT HULK’S EVENTUAL PROBLEM WITH EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE ACTUAL CONVEYING OF SAID MESSAGE/SOLUTIONS/THEME AND NOT MESSAGE/SOLUTIONS/THEME ITSELF.

2) HULK NOT HATE JULIA ROBERTS. SHE BELOVED FIGURE FOR REASON. SHE ALWAYS CHARMING. AND IN RECENT YEARS SHE EVEN BECOME DECENT-TO-PRETTY-GOOD ACTRESS… BUT EVEN SHE NO SAVE THIS PIECE OF SHIT.

THIS MOVIE AWESOME THOUGH

3) WHAT REALLY ODD THE MOVIE ITSELF NOT BADLY MADE. IT ACTUALLY FAIRLY WELL-REALIZED AND MARK MAJOR STEP FORWARD FOR DIRECTOR RYAN MURPHY.

IN SENSE THAT MOST OF HIS PREVIOUS WORK JUST TERRIBLE

THE PROBLEM THAT WHAT BEING WELL-REALIZED IN FILM = GARBAGE. THIS GET INTO PROBLEMATIC ARGUMENT OF “WHAT FILM ABOUT” VS. “HOW IT ABOUT” BUT HULK FEEL LIKE THE THEMATIC SUBTEXT OF EAT, PRAY, LOVE SO PUSHED INTO REALM OF “TEXT” IN FILM THAT IMPOSSIBLE TO SEPARATE THEME FROM THE STORY. HERE THEY ONE IN SAME. SO HULK FEEL THE “WHAT IT ABOUT” = MORE THAN FAIR GAME.

4) ALL PROBLEMS STEM BACK TO THE BOOK WRITTEN BY ELIZABETH GILBERT. HULK REALIZE HULK NOT KNOW ELIZABETH GILBERT. HULK REALIZE HULK COULD TOTALLY BE WRONG ABOUT ANY AND ALL ASSUMPTIONS MADE HERE. HULK JUST SEE HOLLYWOOD MOVIE WITH HER “VOICE” AND CHARACTER BASED ON HER  HULK READ HALF HER TERRIBLE BOOK BEFORE HULK COULD TAKE NO MORE. HULK WENT BACK AND READ ALL HER ARTICLE. BUT THAT ALL HULK CAN KNOW BOUT HER. HULK KNOW THIS LIMITATION AND ACCEPT IT. BUT CANNOT HULK DEDUCE FROM EVIDENCE OF WHAT SHOWN/READ? REALLY, THAT ALL HULK DOING DESPITE INTENSITY OF HULK’S REACTION (HULK CAN’T HELP BE INTENSE. HULK = HULK). POINT IS,  HULK FULLY REALIZE THIS NOT BE ALL END ALL OF DISCUSSION. IT JUST STARTING POINT… BUT IT A STRONG ONE:

SO HERE HULK’S CONCLUSION AFTER WATCH/READ EAT, PRAY, LOVE AND DOING TONS RESEARCH:

“ELIZABETH GILBERT”, BOTH THE CHARACTER AND THE PERSON, SEEM BE A HORRIBLY SELF-CENTERED PERSON. THIS SELF-CENTERED-NESS CRIPPLING. SHE HAVE NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF HOW NOT BE SELF-CENTERED DESPITE IT BEING HER VERY GOAL. SHE A WOMAN WHO TOOK COMPLICATED-YET-FAIRLY-COMMON RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS AND DECIDE BEST COURSE OF ACTION = CHEAT, GLOSS OVER SAID CHEATING, AND THEN ACT LIKE SHE THE ONE WHO BEEN RUINED WITHOUT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HER OWN BADNESS OR WHAT SHE DONE. AND IN TRYING TO DIG DEEP IN SPIRITUAL JOURNEY,  SHE NEVER ACTUALLY DIG DEEP AND ADDRESS COMPLETELY OBVIOUS ISSUES AT PLAY AND INSTEAD OFFER ONE-NOTE, OBVIOUS, AND WHOLLY CLASSIST  WAYS TO MERELY SIDE-STEP ISSUES THAT EVERYONE FACE INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY BEING FUCKING USEFUL.

SORRY… THAT HARSH, BUT THAT THE ESSENCE OF HULK’S ARGUMENT… NOW LET HULK ILLUSTRATE FURTHER.

PICTURED: THE PROBLEM

PART ONE: THE PROBLEM

MOVIES NEED DRIVING FORCE THAT PROPEL NARRATIVE. CHARACTERS NEED REASON TO BE DOING WHAT THEY DOING.  IN ACTION FILMS IT CAN BE AS ELEMENTARY AS “ESCAPE!”,”GET THAT THING!”, OR “HELP!” AND EVEN THOUGH THAT SIMPLE IT ACTUALLY ACCEPTABLE BECAUSE AT LEAST IT MAKE SENSE.

MEANWHILE, THE NARRATIVE OF EAT, PRAY, LOVE … WELL, IT ACTUALLY ABSENT. THE MOVIE LARGELY IN-CONGRUENT. STRUCTURALLY, IT END UP REALLY BEING SERIES OF VIGNETTES; LITTLE LIFE LESSONS AND PECULIAR LITTLE INSIGHTS OFFERED UP AS “DEVELOPMENT.” NOW, THERE ACTUALLY MANY EXAMPLES OF MOVIE THAT ACCOMPLISH THIS STRUCTURE. MOST OBVIOUS EXAMPLE = THE CLASSIC FILM ANNIE HALL, BUT THAT FILM WORK BECAUSE OF STRENGTH OF CHARACTERS AND STRONG COMIC VIEWPOINT. BY THAT HULK MEAN THAT AUDIENCE UNDERSTAND THE MOTIVE AND VIEWPOINT OF CHARACTERS IN ALL THOSE MOMENT DESPITE THE MOMENT BEING PRETTY RANDOM. THESE KIND OF “VIGNETTE-BASED” MOVIE WORK WHEN THEY HAVE THAT CRUCIAL UNDERSTANDING, WHEN IT HAVE A BACKBONE.

THE PRESUMED BACKBONE OF EAT, PRAY, LOVE (BOTH FILM/BOOK) PREDICATED ON THE GOAL TO ESTABLISH SELF-WORTH.  HULK FIRST WANT STATE THIS NOT TERRIBLE IDEA FOR BACKBONE OF MOVIE/BOOK. THERE INNUMERABLE NUMBER OF PEOPLE THAT COMBAT DEPRESSION AND HAVE ISSUE OF SELF-WORTH. LIKE ANYONE WITH CONFLICT, THEY NEED HELP. THEY NEED ADVICE. THEY NEED GUIDANCE. AND ELIZABETH GILBERT POSITION HERSELF AS SOMEONE WHO CAN OFFER THAT. WHY? BECAUSE SHE SOMEONE WHO NEEDED IT TOO.

HERE THE PROBLEM: ELIZABETH GILBERT NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE… BUT SHE THINK SHE IS.

IN FICTION IT CALLED A PROBLEM OF A “UNRELIABLE NARRATOR.” IN SOMETHING NON-FICTION-Y LIKE THIS, IT INVOKE A PROFOUND LACK OF HONESTY WHEN HONESTY MOST IMPORTANT THING TO OFFER. HULK NOT DISPUTING ACTUAL FACTS OF BOOK/FILM (THOUGH SOME REMAIN SUSPECT). IT JUST HULK SEVERELY DISTRUST THE VIEWPOINT OF THESE EVENTS.

PICTURED: UNTRUSTWORTHY PERSON

ELIZABETH GILBERT SEEM BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WITH EVERYTHING: SUCCESS, MONEY, PRESTIGE, AND HAPPINESS… YET SHE FRAME A REALITY OF HER LIFE THAT = PERPETUAL VICTIM-HOOD AND DIFFICULTY. NOW, YES THE PROBLEMS = VERY REAL TO ELIZABETH GILBERT. THIS THE VERY DEFINITION OF DEPRESSION. BUT THAT THE PROBLEM, IT SO OBVIOUSLY NOT TO US. IT SUCH A CANYON-LIKE DISCONNECT. NOW IF THE BOOK/MOVIE MORE ABOUT HER BATTLE WITH SELF-CREATED DEPRESSION, THE OVERWHELMING EMOTION SHE FEEL, AND HOW COMBAT SELF-CREATED DEPRESSION IN A WORLD THAT CANNOT SEE IT? WELL, THEN THIS BE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT BLOG-POST. THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE SOMETHING TO BE COMMENDED. BUT THAT NOT WHAT EAT, PRAY, LOVE ABOUT AND THAT WHY IT FAIL.  ULTIMATELY, SHE ONLY TACKLING SURFACE PROBLEM WITH SURFACE ANSWER AND NOT GET TO ROOT OF HER DELUSIONAL DEPRESSION. THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT DISTINCTION IN WORLD.

INSTEAD, GILBERT SEEMINGLY HAVE NO ABILITY TO ARTICULATE THE REALITY OF HER DEPRESSION BEYOND THE EXTREME DESCRIPTIONS THE PUSH READER AWAY.  WORSE, SHE GIVE VAGUE WORDING TO THE ORIGINS OF EACH PROBLEM THAT MAKE EVERYTHING SEEM LIKE SOCIETAL PROBLEM, NOT HERS.  IT FULL OF ALL THOSE ROTE REFERENCES TO “WHITE-PICKETT FENCES” AND HOW THINGS “SUPPOSED” BE, ETC. IT THE SAME SHIT ONE SEE IN VAST NUMBER OF “BLAME UPPER-CLASS SUBURBANISM” BOOKS/MOVIES AND ALL JUST SO DAMN JUVENILE. ONLY THIS BOOK/MOVIE ABOUT HER AS RICH NYC ELITE, WHICH TURN IT FROM TIRESOME TO DOWNRIGHT INSUFFERABLE. GILBERT ACTUALLY MAKER HER CONFLICT AN OUTWARD THING… A ME VS. THE WORLD THING….WHICH ANYONE WHO KNOW FIRST THING ABOUT DEPRESSION, KNOW THIS AN ISOLATING MENTALITY THAT MAKE DEPRESSION WORSE (THE EVENTUAL SOLUTIONS OF CONNECTIONS GILBERT OFFER, ACTUALLY FLEETING TOO, BUT HULK GET TO THAT LATER).

"IM SO DEPRESSED. ITS YOUR FAULT!"

THE QUEST FOR SELF-WORTH IN EAT, PRAY, LOVE ACTUALLY DO HAVE GENESIS STORY. IN TERRIBLY CONVOLUTED FASHION WE PRESENTED TO A “REALITY” IN WHICH  GILBERT IN TERRIBLE, DEPRESSED MARRIAGE WITH PERSON WHO NOT “GET HER” WHATSOEVER. THE PROBLEM = WE RARELY SEE ANYTHING THAT REALLY SHOWCASE THIS. IT MORE JUST LIKE “HE DOES THINGS THAT GET ON MY NERVES SOMETIMES” OR “HE DOESN’T DO WHAT I WANT HIM TO DO SOMETIMES”… SERIOUSLY THAT IT. FOR MOST PART, HE CARING/FUN INTERESTING GUY SHE ONCE LOVE VERY MUCH. BUT SOMEHOW WE JUST SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE “MY MARRIAGE WAS AWFUL AND MAKING ME SUICIDAL.” IT MAKE NO SENSE TO READER/VIEWER WHATSOEVER. ALL WE SEE JUST A MARRIAGE THAT NOT 100% PERFECT. IT ONLY 90% PERFECT OR SOMETHING.

SO HER SOLUTION?

SHE CHEAT ON HIM, BREAK HIS HEART, THEN PRETEND LIKE SHE THE VICTIM AND HAVE TO SPEND ALL HER MONEY SO HE NOT GET ANY OF IT IN THE DIVORCE… NOW OFF TO ENLIGHTENMENT! OH AND IN THE MIDDLE SHE HAVE ANOTHER RANDOM RELATIONSHIP WITH ACTOR THROWN IN THERE (THE ONE SHE OBVIOUSLY CHEAT WITH BUT NOT ADMIT FOR SOME REASON) AND THE REASONS FOR THAT BREAK UP EVEN MORE CONVOLUTED.

TO BE FAIR IF THIS ACTOR LOOK ANYTHING LIKE JAMES FRANCO EVEN HULK WOULD GET IN ON THAT

THERE THOSE OF YOU SAYING, “WAIT, WHAT!??!?!?!?”

YES DEAR READER, THAT THE ACCURATE SUMMARY OF WHAT HAPPEN. AND IN BOTH BOOK/MOVIE IT PRESENTED SO QUICKLY AND NONSENSICALLY AS TO BE TERRIBLY CONFUSING. NOTHING ABOUT IT MAKE SENSE. SO IF WE HAVE TO TRUST MOVIE IN “THESE THE MOTIVES/INTERESTS OF MY CHARACTERS’ SENSE THEN THE BACKBONE IS LOST. ALL HULK GIVEN = UGLY, BANAL PLATITUDES OF RELATIONSHIP SENTIMENT. THINGS LIKE “WE FELL OUT OF LOVE”/ETC.  ALL STUFF COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE WITH WHAT WHAT PRESENTED. WE SIMPLY TOLD TO TRUST HER VERSION OF STORY… HULK CALLING SHENANIGANS.

LOOK, THERE PLENTY OF GREAT LEGIT STORIES ABOUT THE SUBJECT OF LOVE COMING UNDONE AND HOW WE BUILD SELVES BACK UP.  RELATIONSHIPS INCREDIBLY UNIQUE AND INFINITELY COMPLEX, AND HULK NEVER BEGRUDGE IT WITH OVER-SIMPLIFICATION… BUT GILBERT GIVE AN ODDLY SELF-CENTERED AND DOWNRIGHT STRANGE ACCOUNT OF HER STORY. AGAIN, SHE FRAME IT LIKE SHE THE VICTIM WHEN A) THE SOURCE OF DEPRESSION SELF-CREATED AND B) SHE THE ONE DOING SERIOUS DAMAGE TO PEOPLE. LATER ON SHE SORT OF ADMIT TO “HURTING PEOPLE” BUT THAT REALLY AS DEEP AS IT GO. SHE COMPLETELY GLOSS OVER HER OBVIOUS AFFAIR (HULK MEAN, REALLY, HUSBAND GETTING ALL THE SETTLEMENT IN DIVORCE? IT TAKE MAJOR THINGS FOR MAN TO GET THE SETTLEMENT… HULK NOT ARGUING MERITS OF THIS AND PLEASE NO THINK THIS MEANT AS SEXIST STATEMENT WHATSOEVER, JUST IN HULK’S RESEARCH IT JUST THE COMMON REALITY OF HOW THESE THINGS TEND GO. AND THEN THERE HER MEAN-SPIRITED “I HAVE TO SPEND MONEY SO MY INCREDIBLY HURT HUSBAND NOT GET IT THING. WHICH, AGAIN, SHE TREAT LIKE SHE THE VICTIM… FUCKING BIZARRE.

DEEP DOWN, THERE SOME PART OF GILBERT THAT TERRIBLY AWARE OF WHAT SHE DOING. SHE MAKE ALL THESE VAGUE ATTEMPTS WHERE SHE TRYING SAY SHE A JERK WHO NEED TO FIX HERSELF, THAT SHE DO HORRIBLE THINGS TO PEOPLE AND SHOULD ACKNOWLEDGE THAT… BUT SHE NEVER GET THERE… EVER. IT FEEL ALL SO AIMLESS.

WHICH MEAN HER CHARACTER JOURNEY, NO MATTER WHICH WISE OLD MAN IMPARTED HER WITH WISDOM, OR GREAT FRIEND SHE MAKE (OFTEN TEMPORARILY), AND NO MATTER WHICH “TRUE-FEELING” CONCLUSIONS SHE MAKE… IT INEVITABLY AND EQUALLY AIMLESS.

PICTURED: THE CURE TO YOUR CRIPPLING CHEMICAL DEPRESSION!

HULK ARGUE THAT THE REASON THE MOVIE DISCONNECT WITH SO MANY PEOPLE. THAT THE REASON CRITICS HATE IT EVEN THOUGH BY ALL ACCOUNTS THE FILM-MAKING (OR “GLOSS”) PRETTY DECENT. IT THERE JUST NO RATIONAL MOTIVATION FOR ANY PART OF HER QUEST. IT FRAMED LIKE ALL THE THINGS THAT SEEM LIKE THIS KIND OF STORY: A DIVORCE. A QUEST FOR SELF EXAMINATION AND HAPPINESS. THE ACTUAL “WHAT” MAKE SENSE TO EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY TO ALL PEOPLE HAVE DEAL THESE KIND PROBLEMS BEFORE… BUT IT REALLY AN EMPTY RUSE.

MAKE IT A COMPLETELY DISHONEST AND BULLSHIT RUSE.

ELIZABETH GILBERT SEEM LIKE INTELLIGENT PERSON IN PROSE OF EAT, PRAY, LOVE (HER EARLIER WORKS NOT SO MUCH). HER WRITING CLEAR AND ARTICULATE, BUT, AGAIN, HER RATIONALIZATION AND VERSION OF HER OWN STORY REEK OF NONSENSE. SHE SEEM LIKE KIND OF PERSON WHO SO INTELLIGENT IN SOME WAYS THAT SHE CAN REASON HERSELF INTO ANY CONCLUSION THAT FITS HER IMPULSES. HULK WATCH IT ALL THE TIME. BRIGHT PEOPLE WHO CAN FIGURE OUT A LOGISTICAL WAY BE AWFUL PEOPLE; PEOPLE WHO CAN INTELLECTUALLY JUSTIFY THEIR OWN ARROGANCE.

COUGH* DR. STRANGE *COUGH

IT ALSO THE PSYCHOLOGICAL CASE IN MANY WEALTHY DRUG ADDICTS, WHITE-COLLAR CRIMINALS, AND, WELL, LAWYERS IN GENERAL (HULK KID, HULK KID… SORT OF). AND IN GILBERT’S CASE IT NOT SO EXTREME. SHE NOT A DRUG ADDICT (THAT WE KNOW OF), BUT SHE FIND A NUMBER OF WELL-ARGUED REASONS TO BE MEGALOMANIAC BENT ON QUEST FOR SELF-HELP.

IT EQUIVALENT OF SAYING: “THE WORLD IS TELLING ME I’M SELFISH AND DESPONDENT, SO I’M GOING TO GO ON SPIRITUAL QUEST THAT JUST MAKES ME MORE SELFISH AND DESPONDENT.”

IT NO MISTAKE SHE KEEP SAYING IN FILM/BOOK THE THIS JOURNEY SHE ON “THE GETAWAY.” HULK ARGUE THOSE WORDS SUBCONSCIOUSLY VERY IMPORTANT. THIS NOT SPIRITUAL REBUILDING. EMOTIONALLY SPEAKING, THIS A WOMAN DRIVING IN A GETAWAY CAR AFTER COMMITTING A CRIME.

NOT THE WAY TO START ENLIGHTENMENT.

PICTURED: THE CURE FOR DEPRESSION OM NOM NOM

PART TWO: THE TEXT ITSELF

SO LET HULK NOW TALK ABOUT THE ACTUAL CONCLUSIONS AND LIFE LESSONS CONVEYED IN BOOK/FILM. HULK GOING TO SPLIT INTO INHERENT PROBLEMS WITH GILBERT’S DISPOSITION AND THEN PROBLEMS WITH SPECIFIC SOLUTIONS IN AND OF THEMSELVES.

INHERENT PROBLEMS:

I). HULK ARGUE GILBERT’S DODGY NATURE CONCERNING THE ROOT OF HER ACTUAL PROBLEMS = THE SAME THING THAT CAUSE  THE “SOLUTIONS” TO LACK EFFECTIVENESS. THE SOLUTIONS CAN’T PRESENTED INHERENTLY EMPTY.

II). THE BIG ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM FOR HER SPIRITUAL QUEST? SHE GETTING PAID TO DO IT. SHE GOT AN ADVANCE AND TONS OF HER EXPENSES COVERED. NOW, THIS VERY TRICKY AREA AND HULK NOT GOING TO ASSUME MORE THAN HULK SHOULD. BUT IT EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING THAT CAN 1) CAUSE AUTHOR ON SPIRITUAL QUEST TO CREATE FICTIONAL PROBLEMS FOR SAKE OF NARRATIVE. AND 2) INHERENTLY UNDERMINES THE ESSENTIALLY “PURITY” OF HER GOAL. IT’S A JOB, INSTEAD OF SOMETHING “SHE HAD TO DO.”  SO JUST KEEP IN BACK OF MIND. AFTER ALL, A QUEST FOR SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT CAN NO BE A PROP.

III). SO MUCH OF THE QUEST ABOUT SEARCH FOR LASTING PERMANENCE IN HER LIFE (SHE TEND TO BE ALL OVER PLACE IN CASE YOU NO NOTICE). BUT BOTH HER APPROACH AND ACTUAL CONNECTIONS IN THIS JOURNEY REEK OF IMPERMANENCE. SHE MAKE CONNECTION WITH PERSON OR BREAKTHROUGH OF AN IDEA… THEN SHE LEAVE. EVERY TIME IT HAPPEN, SHE LEAVE. SHE ALWAYS OFF TO NEXT THING AND RARELY DO THE CONNECTIONS STICK TOGETHER BEYOND “THIS HAPPENED TO ME” (AND VERY OFTEN THESE LEARNING MOMENTS INVOLVED HER IMPARTING SOME TWO-BIT WISDOM… WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY THE POINT OF A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY… UGH). IT JUST SO OBVIOUSLY FLEETING. AND HULK KNOW THIS POINT MERELY TANGENTIAL, BUT HULK BELIEVE PERSONAL GROWTH ALWAYS ABOUT HOW WE RESPOND TO WHEN DEALING WITH CONSTANTS, IT EASY TO “CHANGE” IN THE FACE OF VARIABLES. BUT BASICALLY THE SPEED OF THE NARRATIVE IN BOOK/MOVIE ONLY HELP SOLIDIFY THE HOLLOWNESS.

IV). HULK JUST LOVE THAT” EAT, PRAY, LOVE” WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, ACTUALLY A SERIES OF COMMANDS. YEAH IT NOT EXACTLY SEEM LIKE COMMANDS, BUT SECRETLY, THAT WHAT THEY ARE… SORT OF CHANGE THE WHOLE DYNAMIC, RIGHT? THESE NOT SUGGESTIONS. THEY SNEAKY COMMAND FROM THE AUTHORITY (RE: GILBERT). HULK KNOW THAT SORT OF SEEM UNFAIR BUT IT TOTALLY DESERVED. READ SO MANY PARTS OF BOOK. WATCH SCENES IN MOVIE WHERE GILBERT CHARACTER TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO. IT AMAZING. THEY TOTALLY COMMANDS.

SO ONTO THE SPECIFIC PROBLEMS.

DOUBLE NOM NOM!!

1) EAT

BEFORE HULK START DIATRIBE ON THE FIRST PART OF GILBERT’S BOOK/MOVIE, KNOW THIS… HULK KNOW ALL TO WELL THE DANGERS OF ANOREXIA. ONE OF HULKS BEST FRIENDS DIE OF IT. NOT BATTLED. NOT FLIRTED WITH. DIED. HULK WATCH THE WHOLE THING UNFOLD SINCE FRIEND A SMALL CHILD AND HULK PROBABLY KNOW THE IN AND OUT OF THE PSYCHOLOGICAL AND SOCIETAL INFLUENCES OF IT BETTER THAN ANYONE. IT AN AMAZINGLY SERIOUS PROBLEM THAT TIE INTO MANY CULTURAL ISSUES. SO LET HULK JUST SAY THIS… THERE HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOSE TRULY BATTLING ANOREXIA AND THOSE WHO WRESTLE WITH FAIRLY COMMON (THOUGH DEFINITELY UNHEALTHY AND SERIOUS) BODY ISSUES… AND IT WAY FUCKING DIFFERENT FROM THOSE WHO USURP THE LANGUAGE OF THESE SERIOUS PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH SOME BASIC “I DON’T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF” SOCIETAL BULLSHIT.

ELIZABETH GILBERT STRIKE HULK AS A USURPER.

HULK NOT DOUBTING THE SINCERITY OF HER FEELINGS, JUST THE VERACITY FOR THE ORIGIN OF THESE FEELINGS. ELIZABETH GILBERT A NATURALLY SKINNY, NATURALLY ATTRACTIVE PERSON WHOSE ENTIRE FIRST SECTION OF THE BOOK/MOVIE  DEAL WITH HER PLIGHT OF GOING UP A FEW JEAN SIZE… NO, REALLY THAT THE DEPTH OF WHAT WE TALKING ABOUT. THE SERIOUSNESS OF CULTURAL IMAGERY MADE NAUSEATINGLY TRITE.  HER SPIRITUAL JOURNEY IN ITALY BASICALLY AMOUNTS TO HER DEALING WITH EATING CARBS, ICK!

AND LOOK, HULK GET THE PARLANCE OF OUR TIME AND HOW VAST NUMBER OF AMERICAN WOMEN DO ACTUALLY DEAL WITH THINGS LIKE THE ANNOYANCE OF FINDING A GOOD PAIR OF JEANS. OR HOW SLIGHT ALTERCATIONS TO APPEARANCE CAN DRAMATICALLY IMPACT WARDROBE ISSUES. MANY PEOPLE ROLL EYES AT THIS CLICHE, BUT IT CLICHE FOR REASON AND IT RELATE-ABLE TO MOST PEOPLE FOR REASON. HULK KNOW THIS AND, AGAIN, HULK KNOW THAT THE SOCIETAL PRESSURE TO LOOK CERTAIN WAY IMMENSE. BUT INSTEAD OF PUTTING THIS IN APPROPRIATE CONTEXT, ELIZABETH GILBERT GO INTO HYSTERICS. SHE USURP THE VOICE OF TRUE STRUGGLE OF ANEXORICS AND THEN HAS THE GOD-DAMN GALL TO ACT LIKE FUCKING AUTHORITY ON IT. HER “STRUGGLE” ANYTHING BUT THAT.

AND WORSE, THIS NOT ALL  PART OF SOME SPIRITUAL JOURNEY. IT OBSERVATIONAL ONE-NOTE-ISM. SHE TREAT HER BASIC, DISCIPLINED APPROACH TO “IT’S SOMETIMES OKAY TO TREAT YOURSELF” AS A FUCKING REVELATION. HULK’S FAVORITE DRAMATIZATION OF THIS INSANITY? THE OVERTLY DRAMATIC SCENE IN THE PIZZERIA. IT JUST RIDICULOUS. EVERY TIME THE SUPREMELY WELL-OFF GILBERT USURP THE LANGUAGE OF PEOPLE WITH REAL EATING DISORDER IT MAKE HULK WANT SMASH LIKE HULK’S NEVER SMASHED BEFORE.

BUT THE BIGGEST PROBLEM OF HER “EAT” SOLUTION SOMETHING SHE NEVER FUCKING SEEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE: THAT MOST THE WOMEN AND MEN WHO READING/WATCHING IN SEARCH OF ANSWERS OF SELF-ESTEEM ARE PEOPLE DEALING WITH AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT BODY ISSUE: OBESITY AND BEING OVER-WEIGHT. SERIOUSLY, THERE ABOUT 3 TIMES THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE  BATTLING OBESITY COMPARED TO THOSE BATTLING EATING DISORDERS (THOUGH THERE SOME OBVIOUS OVERLAP BETWEEN TWO). WHICH MAKE GILBERT’S THROW-CAUTION-TO-THE-WIND APPROACH WHOLLY RECKLESS. SERIOUSLY, THE ENTIRE “EAT” SOLUTION SEEM AIMED AT VERY PARTICULAR SUBSET OF PEOPLE WHOSE SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES ARE MERE TRIFLE WHEN COMPARED TO THE CRIPPLING SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES DEALT WITH BY PEOPLE MARGINALIZED BY CONSUMER SOCIETY. AND HULK CAN TELL YOU ONE THING…

EATING A WHOLE FUCKING PIZZA IS NOT THEIR SOLUTION TO SELF DISCOVERY.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD RE-VISIT OUR FRIEND HERE

SORRY, MOVING ON.

2) PRAY

THIS SOLUTION SORT OF THE MOST BENIGN OF GILBERT’S THREE COMMANDS, YET THERE ONE OBVIOUS DEEP FLAW HULK GET TO IN MINUTE. IN “PRAY” WE SEE GILBERT’S EMBRACE OF MEDITATION AND EASTERN PHILOSOPHY. BUT HER HANGUPS IN GETTING THERE OFTEN COMICAL. SHE NO CAN FIND INNER PEACE CAUSE SHE KEEP WANTING DECORATE THE MEDITATION ROOM (OH THOSE KOOKY UPSCALE AMERICANS AND THEIR SENSE OF AESTHETICS!).

THERE ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT GILBERT TAKE THE TIME TO CRY ABOUT HER OLD DIVORCE (AGAIN, HER FAULT) DURING A YOUNG GIRLS ARRANGED MARRIAGE CEREMONY (ONE WHICH THE GIRL TERRIBLY DISTRAUGHT OVER MIND YOU).  AND GILBERT STORM AWAY FROM WEDDING SO THAT THE YOUNG GIRL HAVE TAKE TIME TO CONSOLE HER. CAUSE REALLY, THAT THE OPPORTUNE TIME AND NATURALLY, IT NEVER DAWN ON THE GILBERT CHARACTER TO OFFER ANY KIND OF HELP. UGH. IT JUST SORT OF THING THAT DRIVE HULK NUTS. IT BASIC SELF-CENTERED BEHAVIOR AND SHE NOT EVEN AWARE.

THEN THERE ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT WHICH HIGHLIGHT GILBERT’S PSYCHOLOGICAL BLOCK AND NOT GETTING IT. THE MOVIE SPEND LARGE TIME OF THIS SECTION WITH CHARACTER NAMED “RICHARD FROM TEXAS” (PLAYED BY THE WONDERFULLY BY THE SOULFUL RICHARD JENKINS). HE SORT OF BRAZEN AND IN YOUR FACE CHARACTER, BUT ULTIMATELY HE REVEAL TRAGIC PAST. SPECIFICALLY A MOMENT WHERE HIS ALCOHOLISM NEARLY KILL HIS SON. THERE A REASON HIS STORY TAKE SUCH PRECEDENCE AND YET TELLING OF IT MADE SO OBVIOUS AND BANAL (MADE ALL THE MORE ODD BY FACT GILBERT A DECENT WRITER)… HULK ARGUE IT JUST SEEM LIKE GILBERT SO DESPERATELY TRYING TO CONVEY HER OWN FEELINGS OF GUILT (BECAUSE AGAIN, SHE RUINED HER MARRIAGE AND CAN’T SEEM TO ADMIT IT) BY OVER PLAYING HER OWN SENTIMENT INTO RICHARD’S-OBVIOUSLY-MUCH-MORE-TRAGIC STORY. SO ONCE, YET A-FUCKING-GAIN, SHE DEFLECTING THE TRUE ISSUES AT HAND.

TANGENT: THERE ALSO THIS IDIOTIC DIRECTING MOMENT WHEN MOVIE MAKE BEYOND DUMB CHOICE TO HAVE RICHARD JENKINS GIVE SOULFUL SPEECH ABOUT TRAGEDY BY HAVING HIM TURN AWAY FROM CAMERA. INTERESTING? SORT OF. IN THAT OBVIOUS WAY HULK GUESS. BUT IT BEYOND DUMB NOT LET US SEE RICHARD JENKINS HAUNTED EYES. HULK WOULD HAVE BEEN SOBBING LIKE A LITTLE SCHOOLHULK IF ACTUALLY GOT TO SEE THE PERFORMANCE THAT HULK ONLY GOT TO HEAR. ANYCRAP. BACK TO DIATRIBE.

AS FOR HULK’S FAVORITE MOMENT OF NONSENSE? (HULK ACTUALLY CAN NO REMEMBER IF IT TOOK PLACE DURING NEXT SEGMENT, BUT IT TIE INTO SPIRITUALITY SO IT GOING HERE) WHEN PRESENTED WITH MENTAL EXERCISE/TRUE HONOR OF HAND-COPYING A HOLY TEXT, AND WHEN SHE SPECIFICALLY ASKED NOT TAKE BOOK OUT TO GET IT COPIES… GILBERT FINDS “COMICAL” MOMENT TO STEAL BOOK TO GO GET COPIES MADE… WHICH SHE THEN LATER GIVE AS PRESENT.  THIS CAUSE HULK’S JAW DROP. NOT ONLY SHE NO RESPECT WHAT ASKED TO DO, NOT ONLY SHE FUCKING SHOW INCREDIBLE DISRESPECT TO SACRED TEXT (THE PLACEMENT WITHIN HOLY CONFINES KEY TO INTEGRITY OF TEXTS) SHE JUST SORT OF SMILES THE WHOLE THING OFF.  IT SUCH GREAT EXAMPLE OF BRAZEN AMERICANISM (I’M GONNA DO WHAT I WANT CAUSE IT’S EASIER AND FUCK RULES!). AND IT EVEN BETTER EXAMPLE OF “NOT GETTING” THAT THE POINT WAS TO LEARN THE DISCIPLINE OF THE COPYING AND NOT THE FINISHED RESULT. AND IT SUCH A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF HER SHORT CUT TO SPIRITUALISM! THE WHOLE THING SHOW HER INSULTING PSYCHOLOGY IN A NUTSHELL.

PICTURED: SMIRKING

OVERALL, HULK NOT REALLY WANT GET INTO THE RELIGIOUS ASPECTS OF THIS WHOLE SECTION. GILBERT SORT OF INFURIATINGLY NOT REALLY GET INTO SPECIFICS OF HER TAKE ON GOD/RELIGION THEN HAVE MOMENTS WHERE SHE INVOKE SPECIFICITY OF PARTICULARS AS IF TO HAVE PERSONAL MEANING. RELIGION ALWAYS ONE’S OWN AND HULK FEEL LIKE IT MAY START WHOLE OTHER ARGUMENT THAT HAVE NOTHING DO WITH GILBERT’S PROBLEMS. EVEN WITH THIS, HULK FEEL IT OKAY TO TALK ABOUT CONCEPT OF “PRAYER.”

HULK NOT RELIGIOUS, BUT HULK FEEL LIKE HULK UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEAN TO ENGAGE IN PRAYER. HULK CONSIDER PRAYER TO BE A RITUAL IN WHICH ONE ENGAGE IN COME TO GRIPS WITH WORLD, CLEAR MIND, ENGAGE IN SELF-REFLECTION, FIND INNER PEACE, OR DEVELOP SHARP INCISIVE MINDFULNESS AND DISCIPLINE.

WHAT DOES HULK DO FOR PRAY? HULK PRAY BY WATCHING MOVIES. HULK PRAY BY PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. HULK PRAY BY BLOGGING/TWEETING INCESSANTLY ABOUT THINGS RANGING FROM STUPID TO SEMI-IMPORTANT. HULK FILLS HULK’S MIND NOT WITH HULK’S TROUBLES (OF WHICH THERE MANY. SERIOUSLY, THE LEADER CAN SUCK IT) BUT WITH THINGS AND MATTERS HULK CONSIDER INTERESTING. SURE HULK CAN WASTE 7000 WORDS ON A THE NONSENSICAL PHILOSOPHICAL ARGUMENT MADE BY A HORRIBLE BOOK/MOVIE (AHEM), AND HULK KNOW THIS SEEM LIKE ANTI-PRAYER, BUT HULK USUALLY FIND SOME KIND OF CENTER OR STASIS IN THIS PRACTICE.

BETTER YET, HULK UNDERSTAND THAT WHAT HULK SAYING NOT SOME RELIGIOUS THING BE ASCRIBED TO, AS THIS NOT SOME ADVICE HULK THINK ALL SHOULD PARTAKE IN TO HAVE BETTER LIFE… HULK JUST CASUALLY EXPLAINING HULK’S TAKE; THAT THESE JUST SOME THINGS THAT HELP GET HULK THROUGH DAY. HULK TREAT IT AS SIMPLE AS IT NEED BE TREATED.

IT RATHER DIFFERENT FROM THE TAKE OF ELIZABETH GILBERT’S SECOND COMMAND.

… HULK DIDN’T REALLY HAVE A LOT OF FUNNY PICTURES FOR THIS SECTION… SORRY.

MOVING ON…

BECAUSE THATS OBVIOUSLY WHAT THESE DOGS ARE EXPERIENCING

3) LOVE

IT ALL COME FULL CIRCLE. HULK FEEL LIKE PART OF THE REASON GILBERT SHOEHORN THE RELATIONSHIP-PROBLEM NARRATIVE INTO BEGINNING, SO THAT SHE HAVE REASON TO “FIND LOVE” AT END. LOGISTICALLY IT MAKE SENSE, BUT THE PROBLEM  IT TOTALLY NOT READ LIKE THAT WHATSOEVER.  IT ACTUALLY REEK FAR MORE OF NAKED COMMERCIALISM THEN WHATEVER THE CONFUSED, EMOTIONAL VOMIT IS ON DISPLAY HERE.

IN ALL HONESTY, HULK NOT SURE GILBERT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS.

IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME AND IF IT NOT OH MY GOD MY HUSBAND DOESNT GET ME ARE YOU SINGLE?

SERIOUSLY. HULK REALLY DON’T KNOW. AT LEAST NOT WITH WHAT HULK PRESENTED. HER ABSURD CHARACTERIZATION OF BREAKUP OF HER MARRIAGE AND THE NONSENSE CRAZY RELATIONSHIP WITH ACTOR SET UP A MUDDLED VIEWPOINT, ONE WHICH EVENTUALLY MIRRORED BY THE RELATIONSHIP THAT TAKE ULTIMATELY TAKE PLACE IN “LOVE” SECTION.

FOR STARTER, GILBERT GET INVOLVED WITH GUY WHO NOT BEEN WITH WOMAN FOR 10 YEARS. THAT WORTH NOTING IN AND OF SELF. SECOND, HE DEEPLY HURT IN DIVORCE. HE ALSO DEEPLY LOVE HIS SON. AND SHE INVOLVE HERSELF IN THESE DEEPLY PERSONAL FAMILY AFFAIRS. FROM THERE, AFTER BURROWING IN, SHE ULTIMATELY ENGAGE WITH HIM IN PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP. AND THEN WHEN THINGS GOING AMAZINGLY, SHE GET SUDDEN COLD FEET AFTER STRINGING ALONG SO BLATANTLY. SHE WAS LOOKING AT THIS AS SOME BIG ROMANTIC AFFAIR. HE WAS CLEARLY OPENING HIS LIFE UP AGAIN.

SO OUT OF NOWHERE SHE SUDDENLY BACK TO THE DOGMATIC MANTRA OF HER PRAYER AND “I DON’T WANT TO LOSE MY BALANCE” AGAIN, JUST ANOTHER BIZARRE REACTION FROM GILBERT. WE RECOGNIZE THE SOCIETAL UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT SHE SAYING, BUT NOT HER MOTIVATION. IT STUFF LIKE  “WE’RE MOVING TOO FAST!” FREAK-OUT WE SEE SO MUCH IN MEDIA. AND SHE FRAME THIS ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF HERSELF, COMPLETELY FUCKING IGNORANT OF THE ISSUES HE MUST BE GOING THROUGH TOO (AND OBVIOUSLY, THEY ARE OF EXTREME DEPTH. HIS PAST MUCH MORE TRAGIC. HERS LARGELY A PUT ON). IT ONE OF THE MOST RIDICULOUSLY OFFENSIVE THINGS HULK EVER SEE/READ. HIS FEELINGS ABOUT MATTER NOT EVEN AN AFTERTHOUGHT. HECK, THEY NOT EVEN A THOUGHT. EVER. SHE TRULY IN HER OWN WORLD.

AND THEN TO GET OVER THIS “CLIMACTIC DIFFICULTY” AND EMBRACE LOVE, SHE DECIDE SHE HAVE TO “LET GO” OF PAIN CAUSED TO HER IN DIVORCE. SHALL HULK GO OVER THE ACTUAL EVENTS OF HER MARRIAGE BREAK-UP AGAIN? GIVE HULK BREAK! YES, HULK KNOW BREAK-UPS TOUGH. BUT TO PRETEND YOU ENTITLED TO SAME MISERY AS PERSON’S HEART YOUR TORE OUT RIDICULOUS AND SHOW FUNDAMENTAL LACK OF BASIC HUMAN UNDERSTANDING. HULK KNOW THIS JUST SOUND SO REPETITIVE, BUT IT THE REASON SHE NOT HELPING SELF AT ALL.

HULK MEAN… JUST WHO THE HELL SHE THINK SHE IS?

THIS BUT IN PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE FORM?

ONCE AGAIN, HULK CAN’T PRESUME SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT PERSON HULK NOT KNOW. HULK CAN JUST GO OFF TEXT GIVEN… BUT THE CHARACTERIZATION OF THESE EVENTS IN THE TEXT JUST HORRID. HALF OF IT THROUGH THE FILTER OF HER OBVIOUS SOCIAL FEARS/ANXIETY/DEPRESSION BUT IT WRITTEN LIKE TRIVIAL UPPER-CLASS, SELF-INVOLVED BULLSHIT. IT SORT OF MAKE HULK ANGRY (AND IN CASE YOU NOT KNOW… YOU NOT LIKE HULK WHEN ANGRY). MAINLY, CAUSE THE ACTUAL ISSUES BEING “TACKLED” IN EAT, PRAY, LOVE PRETTY IMPORTANT.

FOR ALL HULK GATHER, ELIZABETH GILBERT COULD BE LIKE THIS PERSON:

TO BE FAIR. THERE WEIRD TENDENCY TO PUT A NEAT, CLIMACTIC BOW ON THINGS. HER BANAL-ALBEIT-NICE DECREE AT END DO GOOD JOB OF MAKING HULK FEEL GOOD… BUT IN CONTEXT OF ALL IT JUST AS PUT ON AS EVERYTHING ELSE. JUST AS IMPERMANENT.

TO ALSO BE FAIR, IT SEEM THAT MANY OF THE ISSUES HULK HAVE WITH GILBERT’S THOUGHTS IN THIS PART = FURTHER EXPLORED IN HER FOLLOWUP BOOK “COMMITTED” ABOUT HER ENSUING RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE WITH THIS NEW MAN SHE MEET. IT SEEM LIKE SHE REALIZING A BIT MORE ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF CONSTANT SOLUTIONS (AS OPPOSED TO TEMPORARY), BUT STILL FROM EVERYTHING HULK READ (E.g.) WE STILL DEALING WITH IMPOSSIBLE EXTREMES AND NONSENSICAL CHARACTERIZATION OF A PROBLEM, WHICH HULK STILL CONSIDER PART OF AN UNRELIABLE NARRATOR. AND BESIDES, MUCH OF THE SEEMING GOAL OF “COMMITTED” REALLY SEEM TO UNDERMINE MANY OF THE EXACT POINTS SHE MAKE IN EAT, PRAY, LOVE SO SHE EVEN UNDERMINE HERSELF!

"OR HOW MY LAST BOOK DOESNT ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE" ADDITIONAL NOTE: THIS ONE NOT REALLY MAKE SENSE EITHER

WHAT PERHAPS SO INFURIATING THAT GILBERT SEEM SO CLOSE MOST OF TIME. AGAIN, SHESMART BUT SHE CONSTANTLY MISS THE POINT OR UNDERLYING PROBLEM. AND ANYTIME SHE MAKE BREAKTHROUGH, SHE THEN DO SOMETHING THAT THE ANTITHESIS AND THEN NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE IT. LIKE SHE NEVER FULLY REALIZE THE PERFECTLY REASONABLE SOLUTION OF “HEY, MAYBE PERMANENCE JUST NOT REALLY MY THING.” HULK KNOW PLENTY OF PEOPLE WITH NOMADIC LIFESTYLE. THEY LEARN EMBRACE IT AND MAKE PEACE WITH LIFE OF CONSTANT CHANGE. BUT GILBERT LITERALLY WRITE STORY ABOUT BEING NOMADIC THEN SHE NEVER SEEM CLUE INTO FACT THAT ACTUALLY WHAT SHE DOING. AGAIN, IT JUST BIZARRE.

THE NOMADIC THING ACTUALLY MAKE RYAN MURPHY THE PERFECT DIRECTOR FOR THE FILM. HULK MOST APPRECIATE MURPHY’S WILLINGNESS TO PUSH BOUNDARIES INTO GREAT TOPICS AND EXPLORE INTERESTING CONCEPTS (HULK PRETTY MUCH REFERENCING THE GOOD EARLY SEASONS OF NIP/TUCK). BUT THERE ALSO LIKELY NO OTHER FIGURE IN HOLLYWOOD WHO GET BORED WITH SAID TOPICS/PROJECTS SO QUICKLY. HE WORK FOR BRIEF MOMENT ON SOMETHING THEN IMMEDIATELY MOVE ON. HIS TV SHOWS LEFT IN WASTE AFTER HE ALREADY RUN THEM DRY IN THE BRIEFEST OF SPANS. SO WHO BETTER TO CHARACTERIZE THE JOURNEY OF A WOMAN EXPLORING THE “JOURNEY” OF PASSING FANCY?

PICTURED: DISINTEREST

AGAIN, TO BE FAIR, THERE ACTUALLY A LOT HULK ENJOY ABOUT THE MOVIE IN TERMS OF TONE AND DIRECTION. THE MOMENTS IN AND OF SELF WELL-EXECUTED (THE LANDSCAPE, THE SENSE OF PEACE, EVERYTHING RICHARD JENKINS). AND MURPHY NEVER TRY GO FOR UNCALLED-FOR “EDGY” STUFF. HE JUST SEEM SURPRISINGLY FOCUSED ON SCENE AT HAND. BUT, LIKE GILBERT, THE OVERALL BACKBONE JUST MISSING.

HONESTLY, THE MOVIE ABOUT A LOT OF CONCEPTS THAT HULK FIND FASCINATING: EASTERN PHILOSOPHY, TRAVEL, FOOD, SOCIETAL PRESSURE, PSYCHOLOGY… BUT IT IT NEVER QUITE GET TO THAT REAL PLACE.

HULK GOING USE WORD “OPRAHISM” IN SENSE THAT LIKE MANY OF OPRAH’S LIFE SOLUTIONS IT NEVER GET TO SOURCE. IT ONLY ADDRESS SURFACE. AND HULK ACTUALLY NOT AN OPRAH-HATER. IN WORLD FULL OF POWERFUL MEDIA FIGURES SHE ONE OF EW WHO SEEM TRULY SERIOUS ABOUT PHILANTHROPIC CAUSES. AND IT OFTEN SHOCK HULK HOW MANY NOT KNOW THE STORY OF HER LIFE AND INCREDIBLE THINGS SHE OVERCOME. TRUST HULK, THE PAIN OF HER LIFE = ANYTHING BUT FALSE. SHE GO FROM THE MOST DESTITUTE OF SITUATIONS TO TRY AND MAKE SOMETHING POSITIVE.

ELIBETH GILBERT? SHE GROW UP ON PICTURESQUE CHRISTMAS TREE FARM IN CONNECTICUT.

GOOG GOD, THE OPRESSIVE HORROR!

SERIOUSLY. NOW AGAIN, HULK MAY NOT KNOW DETAILS, BUT FROM ALL ACCOUNTS SHE LARGELY CHARACTERIZE EARLY LIFE AS GLOURIOUS. IT NOW WONDER THAT MANY OF OPRAH’S REAL LIFE CONTRIBUTIONS = REAL AND PERMENANT. THE PROBLEM WITH OPRAH THAT IN TV FORM IT OFTEN COME OF AS FANCIFUL AND BITE-SIZED. SOMETHING PROMOTED AND INSINCERE. IN ONE WAY IT WHAT THE SHOW REQUIRE, BUT IN ANOTHER WAY IT PAINT VERY DIFFICULT CONCEPTS IN TOO BROAD STROKES.

HULK WILL EXPLAIN THIS ONE BETTER BELOW, BUT ONE OF BIGGEST PROBLEMS THAT THE SOLUTIONS OF SELF-ESTEEM IN EAT, PRAY, LOVE NOT APPLICABLE TO EVERYONE. WHATSOEVER. SO MUCH PRESENTED ONLY FOR THE RICH. THE FINANCIAL COSTS OF JOURNEY ASTRONOMICAL. AT LEAST OPRAH DO ABOUT HALF HER SHOWS FOR PEOPLE WHO NOT HAVE RIDICULOUS MONEY (AKA 95% OF HER AUDIENCE).

AND IT WOULDN’T BE ALL THAT BAD IF GILBERT NOT ACT INSUFFERABLE  ABOUT THE SPECIFICS OF WHERE SHE TRAVEL. THE TONE OF HER VOICE “THIS NOT WHAT I LEARNED IN THIS SPECIFIC, HOLY PLACE AND HOW YOU, THE READER CAN USE IT!” BUT MORE “WOW, THIS IS WHAT YOU CAN LEARN ONLY IN THIS SPECIFIC PLACE. YOU HAVE TO COME HERE” IT RIDICULOUS. IT READ LIKE A TRAVEL AD. OR WORSE, A BUNCH OF RICH PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THEIR VACATION AND TRYING ONE UP ONE ANOTHER.

"NO, REALLY HAITI HAS THE BEST ORPHANS!" - NOTE: HULK ACTUALLY ONCE HEAR WIFE OF HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER SAY THIS WITHOUT ONE HINT OF KIDDING

PART THREE: SO WHAT THE HELL REALLY WRONG WITH ELIZABETH GILBERT ANYWAY? HAS SHE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS?

AGAIN HULK NOT KNOW HER. THIS ONLY ASSUMPTIONS BASED ON WHAT MATERIAL OUT THERE.

SO HULK WANT BE THOROUGH AS POSSIBLE IN BE SURE THAT THIS SLANDEROUS-BUT-NOT-IN-A-ILLEGAL-WAY SENTIMENT NOT UNFOUNDED. HULK WANT GO THROUGH EVERYTHING OUT THERE AND FIND THE SIMILARITIES (AND POSSIBLE COUNTERPOINTS) TO HULKS ADMITTEDLY-MEAN-SPIRITED POINT. AND THANKFULLY, THERE LOT OF MATERIAL OUT THERE ON ELIZABETH GILBERT. HULK MUST LOOK AT HER HISTORY AND SAY “WHO THIS PERSON SEEM LIKE AND WHY HULK SHOULD TRUST HER?”

SO HULK GO TO THE START OF HER CAREER… YUP,  SHE THE NINCUMPOOP THAT HELP POPULARIZE THE COYOTE UGLY PHENOMENON.

PICTURE THE REVERSE: FROM THE CREATOR OF "EAT, PRAY, LOVE" COMES "GIRLS DANCING ON BAR!"

IN 1997 SHE WRITE GQ ARTICLE THAT GO ON BE THE BASIS FOR THE MOVIE. HERE THE ARTICLE. PLEASE READ.

QUITE FRANKLY, THE ARTICLE TERRIBLE. HULK NOT SURE HOW IT EVEN PUBLISHED LET ALONE BECOME SOME KIND OF ODD LAUNCH TO A QUASI-POPULARIZATION (HULK NOT SURE THE QUALITY OF GQ CAUSE HULK NEVER READ IT, BUT HULK PRETTY SURE HULK BEEN LINKED TO ARTICLES IN PAST AND THEY NOT REALLY LIKE THIS). HULK MEAN,  IT RAMBLE. IT NIGH INCOHERENT. MORE IMPORTANTLY, SOME FOLKS READ ARTICLE AND MAY SAY “HOW THE HECK THIS SAME PERSON WHO WRITE EAT, PRAY, LOVE“? IT A GOOD QUESTION. TO BE FAIR, SHE IN HER 20’S WHEN WRITE THAT SO IT CERTAINLY FAIR TO ALLOW FOR GROWTH.

IT MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TO KEY IN ON THE SIMILARITIES. FIRST THING HULK NOTICE THAT FOR A SEEMINGLY DEEPLY PERSONAL ARTICLE ABOUT HER LIFE AND EXPERIENCE, THERE VERY LITTLE ACTUAL CONTENT OF SELF. MEANING IT SURPRISINGLY DISTANT. AND NOT DISTANT LIKE AN OBSERVATIONAL PIECE, IT JUST A RUN-ON LIST OF UNCONNECTED ANECDOTES. WHICH NOT EXACTLY A PROBLEM IN AND OF SELF, BUT THESE ANECDOTES CONTINUOUSLY MENTION HER AS AN ACTIVE PART OF THE SITUATION; TO EFFECT OF: “I COULD MAKE MEN WANT TO MARRY ME” AND SUCH (SHE MAKE THIS POINT A LOT).  YET THERE IS ABSOLUTELY ZERO FUCKING INSIGHT INTO WHAT THAT MEANS FOR THESE PEOPLE AND WHAT HER CONTRIBUTION TO THE DYNAMIC SITUATION WAS… AGAIN… DOWNRIGHT BIZARRE. SHE WROTE DISTANT, OBSERVATIONAL PIECE WITH FIRST PERSON SINGULAR PROVOCATION. IT BETRAY ITSELF.

ULTIMATELY, GILBERT HAVE A SUBCONSCIOUS OBSESSION WITH SELF, YET IT A DECEPTIVE SELF. SHE JUST HAS TO THROW HERSELF INTO THE STORY DESPITE ANY RELEVANCE. AND SHE NEVER EVEN ATTEMPT TO LOOK HONESTLY AT THE SITUATION.

ALL HER WORK HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM: IT UNTRUSTWORTHY. HULK ACKNOWLEDGE THE “STORIES” MAY BE TRUE, BUT THE SENTIMENT/CONVEYANCE ALWAYS FEEL FALSE. ALL THE QUESTIONS OF THE STORY ALWAYS LEFT UNANSWERED. PERHAPS THE EDITORS WANTED IT TO BE SEX-ED UP, BUT IT IN THERE AND IT SO AMAZINGLY DISINGENUOUS.  AND, HILARIOUSLY, NOTICE ON LAST PAGE THE MENTION OF ANOTHER “HEARTBREAK STORY.” NOTICE HOW EVEN IN TRUNCATED FORM THE READER GIVE THE SAME EXACT STORY ABOUT LOVE GONE AWRY. WE SENSE THEME HERE? HILARIOUSLY, OR PERHAPS TRAGICALLY, IN ARTICLE GILBERT MENTION HOW HAPPY SHE IN HER MARRIAGE NOW… AND THIS SAME MARRIAGE SHE HATE LATER ANNIHILATE AND USE AS GENESIS OF EAT, PRAY, LOVE… TOO BAD SHE WRITES IN INK.

OKAY NOW READ THIS OTHER ARTICLE ON “THE LAST AMERICAN MAN” AND DO HULK FAVOR: NOTICE HOW MUCH ELIZABETH GILBERT MENTION HERSELF. “I”, “MY”, ETC. READ THE ARTICLE:

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/mens-lives/199802/elizabeth-gilbert-gq-february-1998-last-american-man-eustace-conway-turtle-island

WE RARELY ACTIVELY NOTICE THE HABIT (GOOD EDITORS DO THOUGH) BUT GILBERT = ALL OVER THE STORY. AND NOT IN GOOD WAY. IT ABOUT HER OBSERVATIONS (WHICH OFTEN PRETTY ROTE), NOT THE OBSERVATIONS THEMSELVES. THERE A CRUCIAL DIFFERENCE IN JOURNALISM. LIKE READ THIS:

“I felt as if I’d stepped into an eighteenth-century Quaker household. I felt as if I’d brought a bad smell in with me. I felt that I reeked of the stupidest features of modern American society (diet dog food, beepers for children), and I felt tragically incompetent. (I don’t work the land. I don’t make venison stew.)”

THE JOB OF WRITER TO APPROXIMATE EXPERIENCE FOR READER, AND SOMETIMES, YES, DO THAT THROUGH PERSONAL INPUT. BUT THIS EXEMPLARY OF HOW SHE GO FAR BEYOND IT. AND EVEN IF NOT OBVIOUS, SUBCONSCIOUSLY WE ABSORB THIS STUFF. IT MAKE US SEE THE WRITER PRESENT, BUT IT COME WITH GREAT COST OF DISTANCING. LOTS OF FOLKS OFTEN MAKE FUN OF THE USE OF “ONE FEELS” OR “ONE MIGHT THINK” AND EVEN THOUGH HULK GET WHY THAT MIGHT SEEM PRETENTIOUS, IT STILL DO THE NECESSARY JOB OF CREATING DISTANCE BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND THE SUBJECT. IT MAKE THE AUTHOR = PURE OBSERVATION. IT UNIVERSALIZE THE THOUGHTS OF AUTHOR INTO THOUGHTS THAT COULD BE HAVE BY ALL.

INSTEAD, GILBERT TREAT HULK TO SHIT LIKE THIS:

“I didn’t mind the hard work, and I appreciated the beauty of Turtle Island, but my thoughts strayed—not to my family, not to hot running water, but to the really gorgeous and expensive Calvin Klein suit I’d purchased recently. While I was up there plowing that field, while Eustace was teaching me how to handle that draft horse, my thoughts were constantly wandering to that Calvin Klein suit, which is the nicest thing I’ve ever owned. I’d picture it hanging in my closet. I’d wonder how it was doing. And, I’m sorry to confess, I’d sigh with deep longing.”

HULK NOT GOING TO SUDDENLY GET DOWN ON THE PERILS OF HIGH FASHION OR ANYTHING. JUST CAUSE IT NOT HULKS INTEREST NOT MEAN HE BEGRUDGE THE INTEREST AS A WHOLE… BUT GOOD LORD, COME ON! YOU ACTUALLY GOING TO SAY THAT? JESUS CHRIST LADY. DOES SHE NO REALIZE THAT SHE NOT DOING THAT THING WHERE SHE ADMITTING SELF HUMAN FOIBLE IN A VERY HUMAN WAY THAT MAKE US LIKE HER? THAT SHE BASICALLY ADMITTING SOMETHING THAT ONLY JUST HORRID AND IN A RATHER HORRID WAY. UGH. DAMMIT…. SORRY HULK MOVING ON.

BUT WHAT MOST STRIKING, HOW THE ARTICLE HAVE STUNNINGLY LITTLE TO SAY.THE ARTICLE’S SUBJECT MATTER OF MAN IN BATTLE WITH NATURE SEEM LIKE SO MUCH COULD BE GET INTO… BUT IT JUST DOESN’T. HULK WOULD NO EVEN MIND A VERY PLAIN ASSESSMENT, BUT ALL HULK GET BRIEF FLIRTATIONS WITH THE VERY PLAIN IDEAS.

LIKE NEAR END OF ARTICLE SHE MISS THE MOST INTERESTING THING HER SUBJECT SAY: “Because,” Eustace said, “they recognized right away that I was a real person, and they’ve probably never met one before.

The next day…”

SERIOUSLY!?!? IT JUST TO THE NEXT DAY WITHOUT EVER REFERENCING?

SHE JUST LEAVE THE MOST INTERESTING THING THE MAN EVER SAY SHE JUST LEAVE THERE. IT NOT LIKE IT AN INSPIRING QUOTE, BUT THERE REAL OPPORTUNITY TO GET INTO THE MAN’S PSYCHOLOGY AND MOTIVATION FOR WHAT HE (I.E. WANTING TO BE A “REAL MAN”). IT NEVER REALLY TAPPED INTO.

HULK NOT GOING TO PUT HULK-SELF THOUGH HELL TO READ HER OTHER BOOK “PILGRIMS” AND PROVE POINT FURTHER (HULK DONE ENOUGH AND FRANKLY PRETTY TIRED), BUT HULK WANT POINT OUT ONE LAST THING FROM ELIZABETH GILBERT, THE PERSON.

NOT LONG AGO, GILBERT INVITED TO THE TED CONFERENCE (A SUMMIT ON TECHNOLOGY, CREATIVITY, AND FORWARD THINKING). SHE GET UP THERE AND, YOU GUESS IT, GIVE A SPEECH FOCUSING ON A NON-EXISTENT + SELF-INVOLVED PROBLEM. IT BASICALLY THIS: “AFTER EAT, PRAY, LOVE BIG SUCCESS ARE YOU AFRAID YOU’LL NEVER DO SOMETHING AS GOOD AGAIN??” AND IT TURN OUT, YES SHE WAS AFRAID! IT MADE HER TERRIFIED TO THINK ABOUT IT! BUT GUESS WHAT EVERYONE? THAT SHOULDN’T KEEP ANYONE DOWN! CREATIVITY SHOULD BE DARING RISK! AND THESE THE STEPS YOU NEED TO OVERCOME CRIPPLING FEAR OF ONGOING AND WELL DESERVED SUCCESS!

SERIOUSLY THAT WAS HER FUCKING TED SPEECH. SHE JUST FRAME AN IMAGINARY COMPLICATION AND THEN ACT LIKE SHE ABOVE THE CRIPPLING PRESSURE OF MEGA-SUCCESS. AND HULK NOT SAYING MEGA-SUCCESS NOT A REAL PROBLEM. IT HAVE GREAT PRESSURES. BUT KNOW WHO DEAL WITH MEGA-SUCCESS WELL? PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND THAT IT THE GREATEST GIFT THAT CAN EVER BE AFFORDED. PEOPLE LIKE GEORGE CLOONEY AND STEVEN SPIELBERG . PEOPLE WHO RECOGNIZE NOT THE BURDEN, BUT THE UNQUANTIFIABLE FREEDOM OF THAT PUBLIC SUCCESS AT MOST BASIC LEVEL.

CHECK OUT VIDEO HERE:

NOTICE HER WEIRD HABIT OF HER CONSTANTLY LAUGHING AT SELF WHILE AUDIENCE NOT LAUGHING AT ALL? IT JUST ANOTHER WAY THE WORLD INSIDE HER HEAD DIFFERENT FROM THE ONE WE EXPERIENCING.

PART FOUR: ELIZABETH GILBERT AND THE IMPLICATION ON CULTURE

HULK WANT HONESTY.

IT THE MOST IMPORTANT QUALITY IN A WRITER/FILMMAKER/WHATEVER-THE-HECK. EVEN IF THE STORY UNTRUE. EVEN IF THE WORK ABOUT AN EMOTION. EVEN IF JUST TRY MAKE US LAUGH. EVEN IF IT A BIG INTERGALACTIC SPACE OPERA… IT JUST HAVE FEEL HONEST. EVEN THE COMIC PRATFALL HAVE TO LOOK REAL.

HULK NO THINK GILBERT HONEST.

SHE PROBABLY EVEN NEED HELP. BUT IN FIT OF IRONY, SOCIETY HAVE REWARDED GILBERT’S SELF-DELUSION AND GIVEN HER UNIMAGINABLE SUCCESS. IT NOT WHAT SHE NEED. SHE SELF-TREATED FALSELY AND TO OUR OWN AMUSEMENT.

THERE WAY IN WHICH GILBERT COMPLETELY SYMBOLIC OF WHAT WRONG WITH (A CERTAIN ASPECT OF) AMERICA.

HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHY HULK BRINGING UP THE WIRE, BUT HULK GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY.

OH INDEED

THE SHOW’S CREATOR DAVID SIMON OFTEN USE PHRASE “THE OTHER AMERICA” TO TALK ABOUT THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY NOT USUALLY REFLECTED IN OUR TRADITIONAL MEDIA. THE AMERICA THAT DEAL WITH SET OF SOCIO-ECONOMIC PROBLEMS SO CRIPPLING, WE CAN NO EVEN BEGIN TO CONTEMPLATE. THE ONES THAT CANNOT BE FIXED WITH A BLANK CHECK, OR SWEEPING PROMISES, OR EVEN BEST INTENTIONS. BUT IT SO IMPORTANT TO REALIZE HOW OUR SOCIETY NO POSSIBLY IMPROVE OUR OWN LIVES WITHOUT ADDRESSING THE MASSIVE THINGS THAT NEED HAPPEN TO FIX “THE OTHER AMERICA.”

HULK’S POINT ON ELIZABETH GILBERT THIS: HOW THE FUCK CAN PEOPLE IN THE OTHER AMERICA ENJOY THE DELICIOUSNESS OF ITALIAN PASTA? HOW CAN THEY ENJOY THE PRISTINE TEMPLES? THE CALM OF BALI RAIN? THEY CAN’T.

AND LET NOT PRETEND “THE OTHER AMERICA” NOT PART OF THE AIM OF SELF HELP BOOKS. THE OTHER AMERICA READ/SAW EAT, PRAY, LOVE IN DROVES. HECK, EVEN MOST OF OPRAH’S AUDIENCE “THE OTHER AMERICA.” BUT THE SOLUTIONS PRESENTED IN BOOK NOT FOR FOR THEM. THEY DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE FUCKING CHANEL SUIT. THEY DON’T HAVE TO SPEND ALL THEIR EXTRANEOUS MONEY SO THEIR EX-HUSBAND DOESN’T GET IT. THEY DON’T WORRY ABOUT NOT BEING A SIZE 6.

SO SHOULD THEY EMBRACE EATING THE OVER-PROCESSED GARBAGE OF THE MEGA MART AND INDUSTRIAL FARMS?. OF COURSE NOT. BUT IT A NON-ISSUE IN GILBERT’S MIND. SHE NOT GET HOW PAINFULLY CLASSIST HER SOLUTIONS ARE. THINK HOW ODDLY GILBERT SEEM SIDE-STEP THE OVERWHELMING POVERTY OF INDIA AT EVERY STEP. THEN THERE THAT CHARITABLE GESTURE IN BALI, GILBERT’S SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM APPARENTLY RAISE MONEY FOR PERSON SHE MET TO BUY HOUSE. DON’T GET HULK WRONG, IT A WONDERFULLY NOBLE ACT IN SINGULARITY, BUT THE WAY IN WHICH IT REGARDED AS LIKE “ALL WE HAVE DO IS WRITE CHECKS AND MOVE ON.” SHE NOT USE THOSE WORDS OF COURSE, BUT THAT HER ACTIONS…  IT THE EXACT PROBLEM WITH MODERN CHARITY. SHE CAPTURE HER RELUCTANCE, BUT NOT THE DEEPER PROBLEMS IN HERSELF.

ALL THIS ADD UP ONE SIMPLE THING: ELIZABETH GILBERT’S BIGGEST PROBLEM THAT THE PROBLEMS IN HER MIND EQUAL PLIGHT TO THE PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD… THEY ARE NOT.

SHE ULTIMATELY HAVE NO PERSPECTIVE IN A BOOK/FILM ABOUT GAINING PERSPECTIVE.

… SO…

PERHAPS 7000+ WORDS NOT NECESSARY. HULK EVEN CALLED UP MAMA-HULK TO TALK ABOUT IT AT ONE POINT AND MAMA-HULK PUT IT SIMPLY “HATED IT. ALL SHE DID WAS WHINE.” YUP… COULD HAVE SAVED YOU LOTS OF TIME. BUT THERE TIME FOR BROAD STROKES AND TIME FOR EXORBITANT, WELL-ARGUED TAKE-DOWNS. HULK FELT SHE SUCH A WELL-REGARDED AND POPULAR FIGURE, ONE WHO LARGELY CRITICIZED FOR WRONG AND ODDLY SEXIST REASONS… SO HULK FELT IT LIKE ONE OF THOSE TIMES TO DRONE.

IN MANY WAYS, HULK NOT NEARLY AS ANGRY AS WHEN HULK FIRST SEE MOVIE. BY ARTICULATING IT IN THIS LONG RAMBLING ESSAY, HULK LEARNED TO DEAL WITH MUCH SMASHY-ANGER ACTUALLY… IN END, EAT, PRAY, LOVE PROBABLY A FAIRLY INERT PROPERTY THAT NOT HAVE A FAR REACHING EFFECT ON WORLD.

BUT EVEN THAT NOT CHANGE FACT THAT EAT, PRAY, LOVE A BOOK/MOVIE DESIGNED TO HELP PEOPLE AND IT ABSOLUTELY FUCKING USELESS TO MOST AMERICANS, THE AMERICANS HULK SEE EVERY DAY. IN FACT, HULK  THE ADVICE HARMFUL TO THEM (EAT MORE! SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY!).

DON’T MISUNDERSTAND HULK WHEN HULK SAY THIS, BUT IT OFTEN LIKE THE RUNNING INTERNET  JOKE “WHITE PEOPLE PROBLEMS”… WELL ELIZABETH GILBERT’S PROBLEMS = THE EXACT DEFINITION OF “WHITE PEOPLE PROBLEMS.”

ACTUALLY… IT SO LACK UNDERSTANDING THAT IT LIKELY EVEN HARMFUL TO THE SELF-ABSORBED PEOPLE IT SEEM DESIGNED FOR.

SO MAKE THAT ZERO AMERICANS.

THATS NOT COUNTING GILBERT, WHO OBVIOUSLY MADE LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY AND CAN BE SEEN COMPLAINING TO THIS VERY DAY.