HULK VS. THE BONDS: YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK.  HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.

THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.

THIS WOULD BE THE YOUTH-AIMED POSTER

ENTRY #5: YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

SO IN LAST COLUMN ON THUNDERBALL, HULK TALK ABOUT SURPRISINGLY DELICATE TONE NEEDED FOR GOOD BOND MOVIES. THEY NEED BE UP-FRONT YET NOT RIDICULOUS. OBVIOUS, BUT NOT IN YOUR FACE. HULK THINK DR. NO, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, AND THUNDERBALL EXECUTE THIS TONE RATHER WELL.

 YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE DOES NOT.

THIS THE FIFTH FILM IN SERIES AND WHAT HULK CONSIDER THE “PROPER END” OF SEAN CONNERY RUN. TAKEN IN THAT CONTEXT, THE FILM ACTUALLY DELIVER IN NUMBER WAYS. I.E., BOND FINALLY MEET THE HEAD OF SPECTER, THE STROKER OF WHITE KITTENS, ERNST STARVO BLOFIELD!

DUHN DUHN DUHHHHHH

THE CHARACTER GO ONE BE USED MANY TIMES, BUT THIS THE ABSOLUTE BEST VERSION. NO QUESTION. THE ETERNALLY-AWESOME DONALD PLEASANCE PLAY HIM WITH THIS GREAT DETACHED, MALEVOLENT, YET STILL REALLY FAY QUALITY. HE ETHEREAL AND DOWNRIGHT STRANGE. HULK FIND IT BE ONE OF THE SILLIEST-BUT-PLAYED-STRAIGHT PERFORMANCES EVER. WHY HULK ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS PSYCHOTIC WEIRDO MESSED UP ENOUGH TO HAVE WELL-PAID CRONIES RUNNING AROUND JUMP SUITS CARRYING OUT EVIL PLANS. AND YES FOLKS, HE THE OBVIOUS INFLUENCE FOR DR. EVIL (THAT AND LORNE MICHAELS OF COURSE).

THE PLOT KIND OF HILARIOUS. THE FILM START WITH JAMES BOND’S DEATH BEING FAKED SO HE CAN OPERATE IN SECRET.  OR SOMETHING. THIS VERY IDEA HILARIOUS AS HE SUPPOSED BE SECRET AGENT. BUT SINCE ALWAYS USE REAL NAME AND SEEMINGLY KNOWN ALL OVER WORLD HULK GUESS IT MAKE “MOVIE SENSE.”  MEANWHILE BLOFIELD SECRETLY ABDUCTING RUSSIAN AND AMERICAN ASTRONAUTS (IN SPACE-JACKINGS!) TO TRY START WORLD WAR THREE. HE OPERATING OUT OF JAPAN FOR SOME REASON. MOSTLY SO BOND CAN START TAPPING ASIA HULK GUESS.

SO BOND ARRIVE IN JAPAN AND ATTEND A SUMO WRESTLING MATCH BECAUSE, UNLESS TV AND MOVIE LIE TO HULK, THAT AUTOMATICALLY WHAT HAPPEN WHEN FIRST GO TO JAPAN. THERE THIS WEIRD BIT OF FLIRTY CAT AND MOUSE GAME WITH MYSTERIOUS JAPANESE WOMAN. IT SEEM LIKE SHE ABDUCT JAMES BOND AFTER TRICKING HIM INTO THIS SLIDE THING, BUT TURN OUT SHE WITH JAPANESE SECRET SERVICE AND TOTALLY ON BONDS SIDE. IT MAKE NO SENSE BUT WHATEVER. HER NAME AKI AND SHE TAKE HIM TO BOSS TIGER TANAKA WHO TAKE HIM SOMEONE ELSE BLAH BLAH BLAH. EVEN THOUGH LOTS STUFF OCCURRING, THIS FIRST ACT HAVE ZERO NARRATIVE STEAM.

UNLESS YOU DEFINE THIS NARRATIVE STEAM... SOME OF YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY

AND THEN IN SECOND ACT EVEN MORE OF WHOLE BUNCH STUFF HAPPEN. SERIOUSLY. THE MOVIE JAM PACKED WITH SUDDEN BITS INFORMATION AND NARRATIVE TURNS AND HULK NO MAKE SENSE OF ANY OF IT (AND HULK PRETTY SURE HULK HAVE DECENT LOCK ON PLOT OF PRIMER SO THAT TELL YOU THIS BOND PLOT LIKELY NOT VALID). HULK GUESS THE MOVIE REALLY TRYING ACT LIKE ACTUAL SPY/INTRIGUE MOVIEM BUT THEY MAKE HUGE MISTAKE OF ASSUMING NEW PLOT DEVELOPMENTS = MYSTERY. IF THERE NO THROUGH-LINE OR MOTIVE, REALLY IT JUST BS MACGUFFIN-HOPPING.

EVENTUALLY BOND REALIZE SOMETHING FUNKY GOING ON THIS REMOTE ISLAND. SO HE GO TO TANAKA’S NEARBY NINJA ISLAND… YES. ACTUAL NINJA ISLAND. THERE TIMES IT USED EFFECTIVELY AND TIMES IT CRINGE WORTHY, BUT OVERALL HULK OKAY WITH THE NINJA ISLAND DEVELOPMENT. SO THEN Q SHOW UP AND BOND RIDE IN DORKY HELICOPTER TO SCOUT THE STRANGE ISLAND. THERE HELICOPTER FIGHT SCENE THAT KIND OF NEAT. LATER THE BAD GUYS RETALIATE AND AKI (WHO BOND CURRENTLY DOING IF HULK NO MENTION) GET KILLED IN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT. BOND SAD.

BUT THAT LITERALLY FOR, LIKE, TWO SECOND CAUSE BOND THEN HAVE GET MARRIED TO NEW HOT JAPANESE WOMAN AS PART OF SUBLIMATION INTO JAPANESE CULTURE.. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEN… PERHAPS HULK SHOULD EXPLAIN WHAT LEAD UP TO IT.

IN ORDER FOR BOND BE ON THIS NINJA ISLAND, BOND TOLD HE HAVE “BECOME JAPANESE” TO BLEND IN AND BE ACCEPTED. SO THEY DO OBVIOUS THING AND PUT HIM IN BLACK MOE WIG, CHANGE ANGLE OF EYEBROWS, AND GIVE HIM MASCARA. IN CASE IT NO OBVIOUS, HE LOOK NOTHING LIKE JAPANESE PERSON…

HE LOOK LIKE THIS

THE JAW-DROPPING THING THAT THIS MAYBE ONLY LIKE THE 17TH MOST ABSURD THING EVER HAPPEN IN BOND MOVIE AND MAYBE ONLY THE 28TH MOST RACIST THING. STILL, EVERYONE NOW TREAT BOND AS JAPANESE-NINJA-IN-TRAINING EVEN THOUGH CONNERY CONTINUE USE THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT. TO CONNERY’S “CREDIT” HE DO MANAGE ADD THIS WEIRD TIC OF PROPRIETY, LIKE AT LEAST ATTEMPT MAKE SOME KIND OF VERBAL CHANGE, BUT IT ONLY MAKE THING ALL THE MORE SAD.

LOOK, HULK ARGUE THERE SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF IN SPIRIT OF MOVIE AND SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF AGAINST SPIRIT OF MOVIE. THIS CLEARLY AGAINST. JUST ONE OF THOSE AMAZINGLY TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE CHOICES THAT NO CAN BELIEVE EVERYONE KEEP SAYING “YEAH SURE.” IT PRETTY MUCH HAUNTED THE MOVIE FOREVER. IT CAN NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY WAY AFTER DOING THIS. YET IT SO DELIGHTFULLY INSANE AND DATED THAT HULK LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT. BUT IT ONLY IRONIC ENJOYMENT, NOT GENUINE DELIGHT. MODERN AUDIENCES TEND CONFUSE THE TWO A BIT SO HULK JUST MAKING CLEAR THE DIFFERENCE.

SO BACK TO BOND MARRYING NEW RANDOM HOT JAPANESE GIRL. AGAIN, AKI DIED MINUTES AGO. HE NOW BEING TOLD HE HAVE MARRY NEW GIRL. BOND, EVER DEVOTED TO THE MISSION, WORRIED HE GOING BE WED TO FAT COW. BUT OF COURSE HIS NEW WIFE HE MEET AT CEREMONY ANOTHER HOT JAPANESE GIRL NAMED KISSY SUZUKI (BOND GIRL NAMING NEVER CEASE AMAZE HULK). SO NEEDLESS SAY BOND EXCITED. HE PROMPTLY TRY ENJOY HIS NEW MARRIAGE BENEFITS BUT KISSY NOT HAVIN IT… WHOA… MORALS! SELF-ESTEEM! THIS REALLY A BOND MOVIE?

OK... PERHAPS THERE A SLIDING SCALE...

SO IMMEDIATELY THEY GO INTO 3RD ACT MODE AND IT TAKE BOND WAY TO LONG TO FIGURE OUT THE VOLCANO FAKE. THEY GO INTO BLOFELD’S LAYER.  PIRANHAS HAPPEN. THERE SOME ARYAN STRONGMAN TYPE. NINJA ISLAND SHOWS UP TO FIGHT. AND FINALLY THEY HAVE EPIC LAME CONFRONTATION WHERE BLOFELD SOMEHOW ESCAPE ON TINY MONORAIL. BOND SAVE DAY. ESCAPE WITH KISSY AND THEY GET IN ON IN SURVIVAL RAFT (THIS HAPPEN A LOT TO BOND).

SO AGAIN, IT NOT EXACTLY THE WHAT BUT THE HOW. THE FILM HAVE ALL THIS WEIRD HALF-ASSEDNESS WHERE IT NOT COASTING IN GOOD WAY. IT NO LIKE DIRECTOR LEWIS GILBERT ABJECTLY HORRIBLE. HE JUST NOT AS GOOD AT BALANCE LIKE TERENCE YOUNG. THE TONE JUST READ FAR SILLIER SOME PLACE THEN INTENDED. SURE DEAR READER, IT STILL FAR FROM ROGER MOORE DEPTHS OF CORNINESS. BUT SERIES PROBLEMS STARTING CREEP IN SERIES: THE JUMPSUIT-CLAD MINIONS STARTING DESCEND INTO PARODY.  FUTURE MOVIES WILL MISTAKE BLOFELD’S STRANGENESS FOR THE REASON HE GOOD (REALLY IT BECAUSE PLEASENCE MADE THAT SHIT WORK). THE AFOREMENTIONED RACIST STUFF. THE NONSENSICAL PLOT. THE MACGUFFIN HOPPING. THERE LOTS OF STUFF HERE THAT SPELL DOOM FOR THE FIRST “END OF THE SERIES.”

BUT STILL HULK HAPPY ACCEPT IT FOR WAYS IT GOOD AS “CONCLUSION” TO CONNERY’S RUN.

WEIRD NOTE: THE MOVIE WRITTEN BY ROALD DAHL. YES THAT RHOALD DAHL. HIS ONLY SCREENPLAY CREDITS THIS AND CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG. BOTH NOVELS ACTUALLY BY IAN FLEMING! HULK SURE THERE SOME REASON FOR IT, BUT ON SURFACE IT SEEM FUCKING BIZARRE.

BEST MOMENT: BOND BREAK INTO OSATA CHEMICALS AND END UP FACING THIS BIG STRONG JAPANESE GUY. THERE FISTICUFFS AND COUCH FLIPPING BUT IT ABSOLUTELY BEST FILMED FIGHT SCENE TO DATE. GRANTED, MOST OF FIGHTING BEFORE THIS IN THAT LAZY “CLASSIC” STYLE WHERE TO GUYS JUST EXCHANGE PUNCHES AND BLOCK AWKWARDLY, BUT FOR EVEN TODAY IT PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?

GOOD NEWS FOR ASIAN FETISHISTS!*

*NOTE: BECAUSE THIS THE INTERNET AND HARD TELL IF SERIOUS OR NOT, HULK NOT ACTUALLY IMPLYING DATING ASIAN PEOPLE = FETISHISM. COME ON. HULK POINTING OUT THE DISTINCTLY FETISHISTIC NATURE TO PRETTY MUCH ALL MINORITY BOND GIRLS THAT COME INTO FOLD PRE-HALLE BERRY… HULK ALSO ACCEPT ARGUMENTS FOR GRACE JONES AS SHE SORT OF “POST-RACIAL” TOO. BUT SERIOUSLY. IT ALWAYS FETISHISTIC. THINK HULK JOKING? OBSERVE:

HULK MEAN, REALLY

THIS STUFF ON THE ACTUAL POSTERS.

IT INTERESTING THING BRING UP ACTUALLY. TO AUDIENCE TODAY, IT LAUGHABLY INSULTING TO THINK STUFF LIKE THIS “PROGRESSIVE” BUT IT CAPTURE THAT WEIRD MOMENT IN TIME WHERE IT NOT COMPLETELY MERIT-LESS ARGUMENT.  THE BOND PEOPLE TALK AT LENGTH ABOUT THEIR FORWARD THINKING HERE AND HOW THEY CAST INTERRACIAL LOVE INTERESTS. HULK MEAN IT JUST SO OBVIOUS THAT IDEA OF MEN BEDDING WOMEN OF EXOTIC RACES NOT FORWARD THINKING IN SLIGHTEST. HECK, IT BEEN FASCINATION OF MALE CULTURE FOREVER (HULK COULD EVEN ARGUE IT GO BACK TO GENETIC PREDISPOSITION BUT THAT PRETTY B.S. TOO). BUT POINT IS, AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME IT NOT SOMETHING ALL THAT WELL-REPRESENTED IN POPULAR NARRATIVE. SO EVEN THOUGH IT FETISHISTIC, AT LEAST IT NOT CAPITAL R-RACIST DEMAGOGUEY WHITE PURITY BACKWARDNESS … HULK JUST REALIZE THIS TERRIBLE ARGUMENT FOR WHY IT OKAY.

MOVING ON…

AKIKO WAKABAYASHI AS AKI – AKI ACTUALLY DECENT. THIS POINT IN SERIES WERE SOME OF BOND GIRLS START BEING ALLOWED BE CAPABLE OF, LIKE, ACTUALLY DOING SPY STUFF. SO THAT NEAT. SHE ACTUALLY SEEM LIKE WOMAN FULL OF CONFIDENCE TOO. HER PARTNERSHIP WITH BOND NOT SEEM LIKE OUT SOME OBLIGATION, BUT MORE “IM’MA DO WHAT I WANT DO.” WHICH WHAT SHOULD BE, RIGHT? BUT HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE HAVE DIE HALFWAY THROUGH. THERE NO ACTUAL DRAMA TO IT. AND IT WOULD BEEN MUCH MORE INTERESTING IF SHE GO ALL WAY THROUGH ACTION FIGHTING AT BOND’S SIDE.

KARIN DOR AS HELGA BRANDT – SO THIS LADY IN MOVIE TOO. SHE ONE OF BAD GUYS ASSISTANTS AND SHE SORT OF LOOK LIKE CROSS BETWEEN LUCIANA FROM LAST FILM AND THE DIANA RIGG FROM FILM AFTER THIS ONE… THAT KIND OF WEIRD. HER BOND GIRL ARCHETYPE = THE MARGINALIZED AND USED ASSISTANT. THIS ONE COME UP LOT IN BOND FILMS. SHE COMMANDED BY BOSS TO KILL JAMES BOND. SO SHE PRETEND DEFECT TO HIS SIDE FOR SOME REASON, SLEEP WITH HIM, THEN TRY KILL HIM BY JUMPING OUT HIS FAILING PLANE. SURPRISE THOUGH, BOND ESCAPE! THE WHOLE SEQUENCE PRETTY BIZARRE. AND MORE THAN THAT, THESE CHARACTERS ALWAYS STRIKE HULK AS SADDEST IN SERIES. THEY PAWNS IN BIG SEXUAL MAN’S GAME. THEY ESSENTIALLY ABUSED BY THEIR BOSSES, THEN ABUSED BY BOND. AUDIENCE SUPPOSED BE OKAY WITH IT CAUSE SHE “BAD GUY” CHARACTER, BUT THAT RARELY WAY IT FEEL. ANYWAY, FOR HER FAILURE KILL BOND SHE TREATED TO ONE OF BEST DEATHS IN THE ENTIRE SERIES:

PIRANHA’D!

MIE HAMA AS KISS SUZUKI – AHHH, THE INTERCHANGEABLE REPLACEMENT… HULK ALREADY DISCUSS AT LENGTH SO… WHATEVER.

OK, OK. HULK GUESS IT WORTH SAYING SHE NICE ENOUGH OR SOMETHING. SHE ALTERNATED BETWEEN DOE-EYED AND FEIGNED COMPETENCE. BUT IT JUST ALL SO UNDESERVED COMING SO SOON AFTER AKI.

KNOWING BOND, HE PROBABLY JUST COULD NO TELL THEM APART AND FIGURED AKI LIVE OR SOMETHING

MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: THERE METRIC-SHIT-TON IN THIS MOVIE, BUT HULK HAVE SAY IT HOW HILARIOUSLY FAST BOND MOVE ON FROM AKI TO AFOREMENTIONED NEXT GENERIC ASIAN GIRL.

SUPPORTING CAST: HULK ALREADY TALK ABOUT HOW AWESOME PLEASANCE = AS BLOFELD. BUT REALLY THERE NO OTHER NEW INTERESTING CHARACTERS ASIDE ONES HULK ALREADY MENTION. MR. OSATO PRETTY MUCH A BORE. THE ARYAN STRONGMAN HAVE NOTHING GOING ON. REALLY. THAT IT.

AT LEAST DESMOND LLEWELYN SORT OF COMING INTO OWN AS Q IN THIS MOVIE. HE GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH HIS GRUMPY, PATERNAL NATURE WITH BOND AND SEEM FULLY DEVELOPED THE Q SCHTICK. STILL, IT FINALLY NICE SEE HIM DELIGHT IN BOND’S ABILITY TO USE THE EQUIPMENT HANDILY.

NOW PAY ATTENTION...

DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: THREE HULK SMASHES OUT OF FIVE! (THIS MAY SEEM HIGH GIVE REVIEW, BUT HULK ASSURE YOU. IT GONNA GET WORSE SOON)

BETTY’S TAKE: [upon seeing James Bond appear in ridiculous “japanese” disguise]: “Oh rordy!”**

**SIGH. IN CASE HULK HAVE EXPLAIN JOKE AGAIN, BETTY NOT ACTUALLY BEING RACIST BUT MIMICKING THE RACIST ATTITUDE OF FILMMAKERS FOR HAVING CREATED SUCH MONSTROSITY… THAT CLEAR, RIGHT? HULK FEEL LIKE THE INTERNET MAKING HULK CRAZY.

THE AVENGERS SIT OUTSIDE MOVIE THEATER AND TALK ABOUT “THOR”

THE FOLLOWING A REAL CONVERSATION AMONG THE REAL-LIFE AVENGERS (THAT WOULD BE HULK, THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA, AND IRONMAN AKA TONY STARK) THAT TAKE PLACE OUTSIDE MOVIE THEATER AFTER A MIDNIGHT SCREENING OF “THOR.”

HULK: THANKS FOR GOING MOVIE GUYS! HULK KNOW IT LATE, BUT MIDNIGHT AUDIENCES ALWAYS THE BEST. SO WHAT YOU GUYS THINK? DID YOU LIKE IT?

TONY: Yeah, sure it was fine. [Tony looks over at a group of women watching our group. He smiles and turns back], Wait, why did we see it in 2D again?

HULK: COME ON STARK. YOU TECH GUY. IT POST-CONVERTED AND HONESTLY, HUMAN EYES NOT MEANT TO-

TONY: Blah, blah, hulk smash, blah. No one cares. Blondie what did you think? It was your life.

THOR: Me thinks it odd to see one’s life summarized as a tale of celluloid distortion.

TONY: Odd? Or flattering? I mean c’mon Magic Man you get to be the star. Or at least the aussie kid does.

THOR: One guesses that the film was indeed a somewhat accurate representation of Thor Odinson. At least a small version of this long journey I hath been on. But yes, I suppose the aussie gentlemen did do justice concerning mine story.

PICTURED: JUSTICE

HULK: HULK THOUGHT HEMSWORTH DO ADMIRABLE JOB. HE CERTAINLY EMBODY ALL THINGS WE CONSIDER TO BE THOR. IT WEIRD, THE SCENES OF SCRIPT CALL FOR LOT OR RANGE, BUT ODDLY NOT LOT ACTUAL DEVELOPMENT. HE GET TO SHOW LITTLE ARC OR DRAMA. HE SORT OF JUST IN DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL STATE EACH TIME DEPENDING ON NATURE OF SCENE. WHICH MAKE IT OBVIOUS SCRIPT PROBLEM. IT SORT OF REMIND HULK OF-

TONY: [eye roll] Ohhhhhkay enough of that, whaddaya think Cap?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I haven’t been to the movies since I saw “Meet Me In St. Louis.”

HULK: OOOH, 1944! SUCH GOOD YEAR FOR MOVIES! DOUBLE INDEMNITY, LAURA, GASLIGHT, ARSENIC AND-

CAPTAIN AMERICA: It was actually part of USO show, I didn’t make it to the talkies that much. Too busy defending the stars and stripes!

TONY: Please Hulk, can we talk about one movie without talking about 19 other movies we haven’t seen?

HULK: HULK SORRY.

TONY: Good, and for your information I found Thor to be pretty likable.

THOR: Thanks ole friend!

TONY: The movie, not you. You smell like Mead and feet. The movie meanwhile, does not. And it was a actually lot of fun. Not as fun as my movie, which I think everyone here can agree that it  fucking rocked, but this was more traditional old-fashioned movie fun.

HULK: HULK AGREE. IT VERY LIKABLE, BUT YOU NO THINK IT… HULK DUNNO… A LITTLE SLIGHT?

THOR: What doe’st thou mean green man of wrath?

HULK: AGAIN, IT ENJOYABLE. EVERYONE INVOLVED CERTAINLY MEAN WELL AND GIVING FULL EFFORT. WHICH WORTH PRAISING. LIKE HULK SAID, HEMSWORTH DEFINITELY SHOW NECCESARY RANGE OF CHARACTER. AND HIDDLESTON PROBABLY HAVE BETTER LOOK AS LOKI, BUT THE  PERFORMANCE TOTALLY APT. ONE OF MORE SYMPATHETIC VERSIONS OF LOKI HULK SEE/READ. AND PORTMAN NOT GET LOT SCREENTIME BUT SHE KNOW WHAT SHE NEED DO, WHICH IF HULK BE HONEST, IT JUST SEEM SMART AND PRETTY AND THAT BOUT IT. SKARSGAARD HAVE EVEN SMALLER PART, BUT HIS VERY PRESENCE LEND EXACTLY WHAT NEEDED OF ROLE, A NORDIC, VENERABLE ANCHOR IF WILL WHO CAN GO HIGHBROW/LOWBROW. AND HECK, IDRIS ELBA ALMOST STEAL MOVIE AND ALL HE DO JUST STAND THERE ALL BADASS AND GIVE A FEW PERFECTLY-TIMED BARBS. AND FINALLY, KAT DENNINGS JUST DELIGHTFUL AS AUDIENCE SURROGATE. EVERYTHING SHE DO OSCILLATE BETWEEN GENUINELY FUNNY AND ADORABLE.

[At this moment HULK receives a sharp look from Betty, who nearby chatting with Pepper and Peggy]

HULK: BUT UH, WHAT HULK SAYING, OH YEAH. MOST ALL, BRANAGH REALLY SEEM TO EMBRACE BIG SILLY NONSENSE OF A COSMIC MARVEL MOVIE. WHICH REALLY IMPORTANT BECAUSE THE WORLD OF ASGARD/THOR IN TRUTH JUST BIG SILLY NONSENSE.

THOR: Heyeth!

TONY: Oh c’mon wee odinson, you’re basically a cartoon.

HULK: RIGHT, BUT BRANAGH EMBRACE THAT ASPECT! IT WHAT MAKE THOR BOTH FUNNY AND HEROIC. THERE THIS REAL BEOWULF-IAN BRAVDO TO THE HERO. AND BRANAGH MIX THE CARTOONY-NESS NICELY INTO FISH-OUT-OF-WATER STORY, WHICH OBVIOUSLY ONE OF MOST CLICHE THING IN WORLD, BUT STILL TOTALLY WELL-EXECUTED AND FUN.

TONY: “I need a horse!”

THOR:  Ha! Tis funny cos tis true. I doeth say things like that.

HULK: EXACTLY. TONY RIGHT. YOU WALKING CARTOON. BUT EVEN BETTER EXAMPLE HULK THINK = THE WONDERFULLY OVERWROUGHT ANTHONY HOPKINS. PEOPLE TEND THINK HE JUST CRUISING AT THIS POINT, WHICH TOTALLY TRUE, BUT HE ALSO JUST DOING HIS THING REALLY WELL. IT NOT HALF AS LAZY AS DENIRO. BETTER YET, HOPKINS KNOW EXACT WHAT MOVIE HE IN. HE JUST SO YELLY AND SEVERE AND BIG AND-

TONY: Shaaaaakesssppeeeeareee!!! [Shakes fist to the sky]

HULK: HULK LAUGH. RIGHT. IT ALL VERY BOMBASTIC AND VERY, VERY BRANAGH. HE REALLY GAVE THOR MOVIE THE INHERENT AND DUMB GRAVITAS IT NEEDED… WHICH MEAN IT ALL SORT OF LORD OR THE RINGS MINUS THE ACTUAL LYRICISM.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: What’s a lord of the ring?

Tony: No Mordor talk. I’m not the biggest fan of rings of power. In any form.

HULK: IT DOESN’T MATTER… HULK MEAN… CAP, WHY YOU EVEN HANG OUT WITH US? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE TALKING ABOUT MOST TIME. YOU LIKE HULK’S GRANDPA.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I would hit you, but I don’t want to anger you further and kill the fine citizens all around us.

HULK: FINE. AND HULK WON’T TRICK YOU INTO WATCHING “THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE” AGAIN.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: [Shuddering in disgust] You live in unseemly times.

[HULK and TONY high five]

HULK: AND HULK ALSO HAPPY CAUSE IT HONESTLY, IT FUN TO ACTUALLY GET SEE MJOLNIR IN ACTION-

THOR: But you see the mighty hammer in action every night brother! [THOR holds up MJOLNIR!]

THIS THING

HULK: COME ON. YOU KNOW WHAT HULK MEAN. BASICALLY THE MOVIE ALL VERY EARNEST AND WELL-INTENTIONED. AND IT GET LOT MILEAGE OUT OF THAT. BUT HULK BE REMISS IF HULK NOT MENTION THAT THE SORT OF CAVALIER ATTITUDE CAN BE CHARMING, BUT ONLY FIRST VIEWING… SUBSEQUENT VIEWINGS MAY BE FAR LESS KIND.

THOR: Why doeth thou mean oh one of ill-fitting slacks?

HULK: DESPITE THE GOOD INTENTIONS, THE ENTIRE FILM OFF-SET BY THIS INATE HALF-BAKED QUALITY. HULK NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO JUST LABEL ALL THE WRITERS/PEOPLE BEHIND “THOR” IDIOTS. FAR FROM IT. HULK  KNOW THAT FILMMAKERS LITERALLY SPEND YEARS THINKING ABOUT THESE PRODUCTIONS AND EVERY SINGLE CHOICE MADE. IT BOTHER HULK WHEN SOMETIMES AUDIENCE GO, “HOW THEY NEVER THINK OF SO-AND-SO!” BUT THEY WRONG. FILMMAKING ABOUT GETTING WHAT NEED AND MAKING TOUGH CHOICES AND SOMETIMES IT ABOUT CHOOSING WHAT “LOSES.” AND SOMETIMES A FILMMAKER CHOOSE WRONG THING EMPHASIZE IN GIVEN MOMENT.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  So why does he talk about movies so much again?

HULK: HULK TRYING EXPLAIN WHY A MOVIE THAT NOT LAZY OR “BAD” JUST FEEL SO INCOMPLETE, ESPECIALLY FOR PRODUCTION THAT SEEM VERY MUCH IN CONTROL. IT REALLY MAY BE SIMPLE CASE OF THEM CUTTING THE FILM DOWN FOR WRONG REASONS. FOR SUCH EPIC STORY, MAYBE IT REALLY NEED FEEL EPIC IN LENGTH. LIKE FILM JUST NEEDED MORE TIME FOR THE CHARACTER JOURNEY TO EQUAL SCALE OF THE APPARENT JOURNEY THEY WANTED TAKE.

TONY: It was an hour and 55 minutes. I ain’t sitting longer than than 2 hours for anything, unless it’s the world’s best blo-

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Mr. Stark! Language!

HULK: HULK REALLY WISHED IT LONGER. HULK WANTED THERE JUST TO SIMPLY BE MORE OF THOR COMING TO GRIPS WITH LIFE ON EARTH. THE MOVIE JUST: HE CAN NO PICK UP HIS HAMMER. LOKI SAY ODIN DADDY DEAD. AND BOOM. THOR HUMBLED. IT SO SLIGHT. AND MORE IMPORTANT THE LOVE STORY. HULK NEEDED MORE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. EVEN IF IT THE OH-SO-CLICHED “I NO LIKE HIM! NOW I LOVE HIM!” KIND OF THING. PORTMAN GREAT ACTRESS AND THERE JUST SO LITTLE TO DO BESIDES TALK ABOUT HOW DEVOTED SHE TO RESEARCH AND OGLE THOR.

THOR: Who wouldn’t want to ogle Thor, god of thunder?

TONY: Um, all the girls who go home with me instead?

THIS HAPPEN A LOT

HULK: HULK’S POINT THAT JANE SORT JUST LIKE AND TRUST HIM IMMEDIATELY. THERE NO REAL BUILDUP OF “WHY SHOULD I TRUST THIS PERSON?” IT JUST IMPLICIT.  HULK MEAN THE OTHER CHARACTERS DON’T TRUST THOR SO IT THERE IN LARGER SENSE, BUT AS RESULT, JANE HAVE NO REAL JOURNEY.

THOR: Can we not speakth of the lady foster? It pain Thor Odinson to speak of such a tumultuous history.

HULK: AND THAT JUST THE CORE OF MOVIE. WHAT YOU GUYS THINK OF THE SHIELD STUFF?

ALL: [generic groans]

TONY: Those guys are such a pain in my dick.

THOR: They’re well-meaning guardians!

CAP: (softly, to self) I like shields.

HULK: ADMITTEDLY, HULK THINK IT JUST FUN SEE CLARK GREGG. HE SO GOOD IN WHAT COULD BE VERY BORING ROLE. BUT THE SHOEHORNED SHIELD STUFF ALMOST A GIVEN AT THIS POINT. AND HULK NOT GET THE POINT TO ALL THE SHIELD STUFF HONESTLY, CAUSE IT NOT LIKE IT REALLY CHARACTER BUILDING OR SETTING UP STUFF AUDIENCE NEED TO KNOW? WELL MAYBE FOR GREGG BUT HOW MUCH THAT TAKE? CERTAINLY NOT FOR FURY. AND WORST PART FURY SHOULD ACTUALLY BE FUN CHARACTER CAUSE HE HAVE PUT UP WITH US MORONS.

TONY: Yeah, that’s actually pretty true.

THOR: I amth pretty helpless out here.

CAP: (softly, to self) I like shields.

HULK: CAN HULK TALK ABOUT THAT CAMEO WITH HAWKEYE THAT CLEARLY FILMED AFTER THE FACT?

HAWKEYE [who just appeared out of, like, nowhere]: He guys, I was in the movie! Did you see it!

HULK: IT SO SUPERFLUOUS!

TONY: He’s always superfluous!

THOR: Go home!

[Hawkeye lowers his head in shame]

ALWAYS SUPERFLUOUS

HULK: I MEAN HULK REALLY EXCITED TO SEE THE “GRAB THE BOW” REVEAL BECAUSE HULK NOT KNOW IT COMING. THEN THEY JUST WHEEL HIM AIMLESSLY AROUND ON CRANE FOR NO REASON. AND IT GO ON FOR SO LONG. SHORTER WOULD HAVE MUCH MORE IMPACT… HULK ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR RENNER.

TONY: I hope your movie manages to do the Shield stuff much more organically.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I have a movie coming out?

HULK [IGNORING CAP]:  YEAH. HULK THINK IT PROBABLY WORK BEST THERE. OOOOH, OOOH, HULK ALMOST FORGET. BEST STAN LEE CAMEO YET, RIGHT?

ALL: [POSITIVE NODS IN AGREEMENT]

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Actually, I do have a movie related comment now that I think of it!

[Silence.]

TONY: Really?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yeah, what was with the jap and the negro being norse gods?

ALL: [annoyed groans]

TONY: Goddamit Cap!

THOR: Yeah seriously, that isth fucked up.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: What?!?

TONY: How many times do we have to tell you not to be stupidly racist? Like Tea-Party-Level racist. I mean, not only can you NOT do that anymore, you never should have in the first place.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Well sorry for being born near the turn of the century!

TONY: We already turned ANOTHER century you darwinian nightmare!

(awkward silence)

HULK: WHAT YOU ALL THINK OF THE DUTCH ANGLES. PRETTY CRAZY RIGHT? IT SO GLEEFULLY DUMP HULK ALMOST FIND IT CHARMING AFTER WHILE.  IT REMINDED HULK OF-

TONY: All right this is pointless, let’s get the hell back to avengers HQ. I want some scotchy scotch.

HULK: BUT HULK LOVE TALKING AFTER MOVIES!

TONY: No. You like telling us why we’re wrong and yelling at me for falling asleep during “The New World.” I get it, you like movies, but you dropping an essay on us five minutes after seeing the movie isn’t a discussion. It makes us the chorus to your head0space. So c’mon guys let’s go.

HULK: FIVE MORE MINUTES?

TONY: No! Besides, I paid for all your tickets. Thor always shows up from Asgard and forgets to bring money. Cap’s whopping 2500 dollar lifesavings from the 1940’s doesn’t do him good in 2010. And Hulk, you’re as destitute as a Kansas City hooker.

HULK: HULK ALWAYS LOSE WALLET WHEN PUNY BANNER HULK-OUT!

TONY: No, last time you “Hulked-Out” you just went online and spent all your Avengers Stipend money on criterion collections.

HULK: THEY SO GOOD THOUGH! HULK JUST GET HAUSU!

YOU HEAR THAT? HAUSU!

TONY: Shut up! Why do I even hang out with you guys?! You’re all crazy people. That’s it. Me and happy aren’t even going back to HQ! PEPPER Get my briefcase-mark-whatever-suit ready, we’re going to Vegas.

HAWKEYE: I’ll go Tony!

ALL: Shut up!

HULK: LOOK, LOOK SORRY GUYS. HULK JUST WANTED TALK. IT IMPORTANT. THESE MOVIES REALLY AFFECT HOW PEOPLE FEEL AND THINK ABOUT US. WE THE AVENGERS. WE IMPORTANT AND STUFF. AND WITH THOR MOVIE, NO MATTER HOW ENJOYABLE AND EARNEST, IT STILL SLIGHT AND HALF-BAKED. HULK COULD TOTALLY UNDERSTAND SOMEONE SHRUGGING SHOULDERS TO IT, OR EVEN DISLIKING. HULK SURMISE, ONE’S ENJOYMENT OF HULK DEPEND HOW FORGIVING THEY ARE. AND IN THAT CASE, SOCIETY NEED HINDSIGHT, EVEN THOSE RANDOM VIEWS ON HBO YEARS LATER. SO, HULK WILL WAIT AND SEE. THOR EITHER BIG SILLY FUN OR BIG SILLY STUPIDITY. TIME TELL.

[HULK finally looks up from the ground. Everyone has now left. Save for Betty stands there, alone, still by the HULK’S side. HULK swells with emotion and looks back toward the ground]

HULK: SORRY… HULK JUST LIKE MOVIES.

Betty: It’s okay. I do too.

HULK: … GUESS HULK AND BETTY WALKING.

Betty: Yup, but not too high. I’ll barf.

HULK: OKAY. WHAT DID BETTY THINK OF FEMINIST IMPLICATIONS OF JANE’S SLIGHT ROLE IN MOVIE. I MEAN HULK-

Betty: I’ll tell you on the way.

HULK: OKAY.

[With one heave, HULK puts giant HULK arm around Betty and jumps off into the horizon]

HULK VS. THE BOND FILMS: FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963)

LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK.  HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.

THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.


BOND ENTRY #2. “FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE” (1963)

THE SECOND ENTRY IN BOND SERIES DEFINITELY IN HULK’S RUNNING FOR “BEST BOND EVER.” BUT IN ORDER QUALIFY THAT, HULK FIRST DISCUSS “WHAT MAKE A GOOD BOND FILM?”

TO SOME, THEY JUST WANT GOOD MOVIE. ONE THAT OBSCURE THE NONSENSICAL ELEMENTS OF BOND SERIES IN ORDER GRAVITATE TOWARD THINGS LIKE “STORY” AND “EMOTION.” FOR OTHERS, THEY WANT AS MANY BOND CONVENTIONS TO BE LOADED INTO 2 HOURS AS POSSIBLE. HULK ARGUE THIS SORT OF “ANTI-MOVIE-MAKING” BUT HULK UNDERSTAND IT TOO. BECAUSE THERE THINGS THAT MAKE JAMES BOND UNIQUELY JAMES BOND. AND EVERY COUPLE YEARS PEOPLE WANT GET THEIR FILL. HULK TOTALLY GET IT, BUT IT ALSO CAN GET A BIT PAVLOVIAN AT TIMES (CHECK OUT THE ABSURDLY FRIGHTENING “CRAIG NOT BOND” CAMPAIGN FROM FEW YEARS BACK THAT PREDICATED PURELY ON FACT DANIEL CRAIG HAVE BLONDE HAIR. IT BEYOND FUCKING INSANE.)

B-B-BUT HE BLONDE! AND HIS TIE UNTIED! UNSPEAKABLE!

HULK LEAN A LITTLE HEAVY ON THE “STORY” DIRECTION (HULK MEAN, ARE THESE MOVIES OR ARE THESE MOVIES?) BUT REALLY HULK DEEPLY APPRECIATE THE SUCCESSFUL BLENDING OF THE TWO. WHAT MAKE THE EARLY CONNERY RUN SO EXCITING THAT THEY MAKING THE RULES OF SERIES RIGHT THEN/THERE. IT GENUINELY FUN SEE HOW THE SHADOW S.P.E.C.T.E.R. EXTEND FURTHER AND FURTHER INTO WORLD INFLUENCE. AND THE INCREASING GRANDEUR OF EVIL LAIRS = GENUINELY THRILLING TO AUDIENCE (IT NEAT FOR MODERN AUDIENCE SEE ACTUAL THINGS CALLED “SETS”). SO HULK LOVE IT WHEN LATER FILMS MANAGE TO CAPTURE SAME SENSE OF AWE, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HOW DIFFICULT DO SINCE AUDIENCE KNOW IT COMING.

MOVING ON: HULK ACTUALLY HAVE THEORY THAT EVERY BOND FILM MERELY A RESPONSE TO THE RESPONSE OF THE ONE BEFORE IT. NOT ENOUGH GADGETS? THE NEXT ONE HAVE CRAZY GADGETS EVERYWHERE. TOO MANY GADGETS EVERYWHERE? THE NEXT ONE GO EASY ON GADGETS… AND SO ON. FOR EXAMPLE PEOPLE LIKE THE GRITTY, REALISTIC MANNER OF CASINO ROYALE, BUT WANTED MORE ACTION SCENE, SO QUANTUM OF SOLACE GO EVEN FURTHER WITH GRITTY AND ALSO CRAM IT CHOCK FULL OF ACTION SCENE. OF COURSE PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS SO NEXT ONE WILL GO MORE WITH INTRIGUE/SUAVENESS.

AND THIS “REACTION TO LAST ONE” EVEN QUALIFY FOR “FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE.”

THE FIRST FILM “DR. NO” COME OUT AND IT MASSIVE HIT. PEOPLE LOVE THE GAGDET STUFF SO THIS TIME BOND GET REALLY NEAT BRIEFCASE FULL OF THEM. LIKEWISE, SOME PEOPLE FELT DR. NO NOT SERIOUS ENOUGH SPY MOVIE SO “RUSSIA” OBSCURE SOME OF THE CAMP OF FIRST ONE AND FAVOR A MORE CONCENTRATED AND CLASSIC ESPIONAGE/LOVE STORY. IN FACT, THE FILM HAS HITCHCOCK INFLUENCE ALL OVER IT: THE HELICOPTER CHASE RIGHT OUT OF “NORTH BY NORTHWEST”. THE SNIPER SCENE SHOT COMPLETELY IN HITCHCOCKIAN STYLE. THEN THERE WHOLE WONDERFULLY QUIET/TENSE “STRANGERS ON A TRAIN” FINALE.

SOME PEOPLE THINK “FROM RUSSIA” A LITTLE TOO BORING AND NOT “BOND ENOUGH,” BUT HULK THINK THE WHOLE MOVIE WORK GREAT AS PERFECT BLENDING OF PURE BOND ENTRY AND INDEPENDENT PIECE OF CINEMA. IT DEFINITELY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITES.

BEST MOMENT:  SURPRISINGLY EFFECTIVE CLOSE-QUARTER FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY IN THE TRAIN / ROSA KLEBB IN THE MAID OUTFIT (TIE)

GENIUS

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?:

1) DANIELA BIANCHI AS TATIANA RAMANOVA – ARCHETYPE: THE RIVAL AGENT SET UP BE VILLAINESS (THOUGH IN THIS VARIATION SHE SORT OF UNWITTING ONE) BUT SHE ACTUALLY FALL FOR HIM.  SHE CONTINUE THE BOND GIRL TRADITION OF VACUOUSNESS (WHICH ALL MORE WEIRD CONSIDERING SHE A QUALIFIED RUSSIAN AGENT?)… BUT HERE THING. DESPITE ALL THIS NONSENSE, TATIANA RAMANOVA STILL FEEL LIKE REAL PERSON. HULK KNOW, HULK KNOW. THAT SEEM LIKE WEIRD STATEMENT, BUT FILM JUST SPEND SO MUCH TIME WITH HER (WAY MORE THAN ANY OTHER BOND GIRL) THAT EVEN IF SHE BIT NAIVE, HER LOOK AND CHARACTER JUST MUCH MORE OF A “ADULT WOMAN” IN COMPARISON TO THE PARADE OF INFANTILE GIRLS BOND FILM USUALLY SHOVE OUT THERE. BIANCHI’S RAMANOVA  MUCH MORE OF A HITCHCOCKIAN FEMALE LEAD (COMPLETE WITH THEIR OWN PROBLEMS OF SEXISM) RATHER THAN THE COMPLETE FEMALE IDIOT AUDIENCE WILL GROW USE TO. AND PERHAPS THAT WHY SHE ONE OF HULK’S FAVES.

THIS MAY BE ANOTHER REASON

2 + 3) MARTINE BESWICK AND ALIZA GUR – BOTH PLAY TWO GYPSIES IN WHAT ALSO HAPPEN TO BE OUR:

MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: TWO GYPSY WOMEN MADE TO FIGHT TO DEATH FOR RIGHT TO JAMES BOND’S DONG… OF COURSE THEY BOTH WIN.

WHY MURDER WHEN CAN SHARE?

SUPPORTING CAST – DR. NO HINTED AT END OF FIRST FILM THAT HE JUST PART OF LARGER ORGANIZATION S.P.E.C.T.E.R. HERE WE SEE MORE OF SHADOWY WEALTHY GROUP. AND 1) THE MAIN “VILLAIN” IN THIS ONE SIMPLY AN ARYAN BLONDE HITMAN NAMED “DONALD GRANT” WHO SENT TO KILL HIM. HE SPEND MOST OF MOVIE LOOKING MENACING AND TRACKING BOND ACROSS EUROPE (WHILE USING RAMANOVA AS PAWN) BUT RARELY SPEAKING. WHICH MEAN HE SIMPLY NEED HAVE GREAT LOOK/NATURAL PRESENCE. SO WHO BETTER THAN ROBERT SHAW! THAT RIGHT! QUINT FROM JAWS! ANYWHO, HE MOSTLY SET UP AS SILENT BAD ASS. THEN IN FINALE HE SURPRISE AUDIENCE WITH COVERT WITH BRITISH ACCENT IN GREAT TETE-A-TETE SCENE WITH BOND. THE BUILD UP SO GOOD THAT “ARYAN BLONDE ASSASSIN” ACTUALLY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE BOND VILLAINS.

ACTUALLY, HE LOOK LOT LIKE DANIEL CRAIG... WEIRD

2) PEDRO ARMENDARIZ AS ALI KERIM BEY – YET ANOTHER OF THE MINORITY SUPPORTING CHARACTERS WHO SHOW UP AND DIE IN SERVICE OF JAMES BOND. THIS ONE MADE ALL THE BETTER BY HAVING A FAMOUS MEXICAN CHARACTER ACTOR PLAY TURKISH GUY (THE 60S CAN GET AWAY W/ THAT STUFF… THEN AGAIN, HOLLYWOOD STILL GET AWAY WITH PAN-ASIAN CASTING LIKE NOBODY BUSINESS). TO BE FAIR, PEDRO PRETTY GOOD IN FILM. MEANING HE SORTA LIKABLE AND HE NOT TOTALLY EMBARRASSING. IT THE LITTLE THINGS… HIS STORY A SAD ONE AS HE FIND OUT HE HAVE TERMINAL CANCER WHILE FILMING AND DIE SHORTLY AFTER COMPLETION.

3) DESMOND LLEWELYN MAKE FIRST APPEARANCE AS Q! OK, HE JUST “BOOTHROYD” AT THIS POINT AND NOT IN FULL Q GLORY YET, BUT WE GET SEE FIRST BITS OF HIS  SHTICK. HULK SAVE HIS “Q” TAKE FOR LATER.

4) LOTTE LENYA AS ROSA KLEBB – TOO FANTASTIC TO DESCRIBE. HER MINCING ALPHA LESBIANISM AND PATENT ABSURDITY EVEN BETTER THAN HER AUSTIN POWERS DOPPELGANGER.

DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: 5 HULK SMASHES OUT OF5!

BETTY’S TAKE: “I still can’t get over his thighs ”