THE AVENGERS SIT OUTSIDE MOVIE THEATER AND TALK ABOUT “THOR”

THE FOLLOWING A REAL CONVERSATION AMONG THE REAL-LIFE AVENGERS (THAT WOULD BE HULK, THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA, AND IRONMAN AKA TONY STARK) THAT TAKE PLACE OUTSIDE MOVIE THEATER AFTER A MIDNIGHT SCREENING OF “THOR.”

HULK: THANKS FOR GOING MOVIE GUYS! HULK KNOW IT LATE, BUT MIDNIGHT AUDIENCES ALWAYS THE BEST. SO WHAT YOU GUYS THINK? DID YOU LIKE IT?

TONY: Yeah, sure it was fine. [Tony looks over at a group of women watching our group. He smiles and turns back], Wait, why did we see it in 2D again?

HULK: COME ON STARK. YOU TECH GUY. IT POST-CONVERTED AND HONESTLY, HUMAN EYES NOT MEANT TO-

TONY: Blah, blah, hulk smash, blah. No one cares. Blondie what did you think? It was your life.

THOR: Me thinks it odd to see one’s life summarized as a tale of celluloid distortion.

TONY: Odd? Or flattering? I mean c’mon Magic Man you get to be the star. Or at least the aussie kid does.

THOR: One guesses that the film was indeed a somewhat accurate representation of Thor Odinson. At least a small version of this long journey I hath been on. But yes, I suppose the aussie gentlemen did do justice concerning mine story.

PICTURED: JUSTICE

HULK: HULK THOUGHT HEMSWORTH DO ADMIRABLE JOB. HE CERTAINLY EMBODY ALL THINGS WE CONSIDER TO BE THOR. IT WEIRD, THE SCENES OF SCRIPT CALL FOR LOT OR RANGE, BUT ODDLY NOT LOT ACTUAL DEVELOPMENT. HE GET TO SHOW LITTLE ARC OR DRAMA. HE SORT OF JUST IN DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL STATE EACH TIME DEPENDING ON NATURE OF SCENE. WHICH MAKE IT OBVIOUS SCRIPT PROBLEM. IT SORT OF REMIND HULK OF-

TONY: [eye roll] Ohhhhhkay enough of that, whaddaya think Cap?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I haven’t been to the movies since I saw “Meet Me In St. Louis.”

HULK: OOOH, 1944! SUCH GOOD YEAR FOR MOVIES! DOUBLE INDEMNITY, LAURA, GASLIGHT, ARSENIC AND-

CAPTAIN AMERICA: It was actually part of USO show, I didn’t make it to the talkies that much. Too busy defending the stars and stripes!

TONY: Please Hulk, can we talk about one movie without talking about 19 other movies we haven’t seen?

HULK: HULK SORRY.

TONY: Good, and for your information I found Thor to be pretty likable.

THOR: Thanks ole friend!

TONY: The movie, not you. You smell like Mead and feet. The movie meanwhile, does not. And it was a actually lot of fun. Not as fun as my movie, which I think everyone here can agree that it  fucking rocked, but this was more traditional old-fashioned movie fun.

HULK: HULK AGREE. IT VERY LIKABLE, BUT YOU NO THINK IT… HULK DUNNO… A LITTLE SLIGHT?

THOR: What doe’st thou mean green man of wrath?

HULK: AGAIN, IT ENJOYABLE. EVERYONE INVOLVED CERTAINLY MEAN WELL AND GIVING FULL EFFORT. WHICH WORTH PRAISING. LIKE HULK SAID, HEMSWORTH DEFINITELY SHOW NECCESARY RANGE OF CHARACTER. AND HIDDLESTON PROBABLY HAVE BETTER LOOK AS LOKI, BUT THE  PERFORMANCE TOTALLY APT. ONE OF MORE SYMPATHETIC VERSIONS OF LOKI HULK SEE/READ. AND PORTMAN NOT GET LOT SCREENTIME BUT SHE KNOW WHAT SHE NEED DO, WHICH IF HULK BE HONEST, IT JUST SEEM SMART AND PRETTY AND THAT BOUT IT. SKARSGAARD HAVE EVEN SMALLER PART, BUT HIS VERY PRESENCE LEND EXACTLY WHAT NEEDED OF ROLE, A NORDIC, VENERABLE ANCHOR IF WILL WHO CAN GO HIGHBROW/LOWBROW. AND HECK, IDRIS ELBA ALMOST STEAL MOVIE AND ALL HE DO JUST STAND THERE ALL BADASS AND GIVE A FEW PERFECTLY-TIMED BARBS. AND FINALLY, KAT DENNINGS JUST DELIGHTFUL AS AUDIENCE SURROGATE. EVERYTHING SHE DO OSCILLATE BETWEEN GENUINELY FUNNY AND ADORABLE.

[At this moment HULK receives a sharp look from Betty, who nearby chatting with Pepper and Peggy]

HULK: BUT UH, WHAT HULK SAYING, OH YEAH. MOST ALL, BRANAGH REALLY SEEM TO EMBRACE BIG SILLY NONSENSE OF A COSMIC MARVEL MOVIE. WHICH REALLY IMPORTANT BECAUSE THE WORLD OF ASGARD/THOR IN TRUTH JUST BIG SILLY NONSENSE.

THOR: Heyeth!

TONY: Oh c’mon wee odinson, you’re basically a cartoon.

HULK: RIGHT, BUT BRANAGH EMBRACE THAT ASPECT! IT WHAT MAKE THOR BOTH FUNNY AND HEROIC. THERE THIS REAL BEOWULF-IAN BRAVDO TO THE HERO. AND BRANAGH MIX THE CARTOONY-NESS NICELY INTO FISH-OUT-OF-WATER STORY, WHICH OBVIOUSLY ONE OF MOST CLICHE THING IN WORLD, BUT STILL TOTALLY WELL-EXECUTED AND FUN.

TONY: “I need a horse!”

THOR:  Ha! Tis funny cos tis true. I doeth say things like that.

HULK: EXACTLY. TONY RIGHT. YOU WALKING CARTOON. BUT EVEN BETTER EXAMPLE HULK THINK = THE WONDERFULLY OVERWROUGHT ANTHONY HOPKINS. PEOPLE TEND THINK HE JUST CRUISING AT THIS POINT, WHICH TOTALLY TRUE, BUT HE ALSO JUST DOING HIS THING REALLY WELL. IT NOT HALF AS LAZY AS DENIRO. BETTER YET, HOPKINS KNOW EXACT WHAT MOVIE HE IN. HE JUST SO YELLY AND SEVERE AND BIG AND-

TONY: Shaaaaakesssppeeeeareee!!! [Shakes fist to the sky]

HULK: HULK LAUGH. RIGHT. IT ALL VERY BOMBASTIC AND VERY, VERY BRANAGH. HE REALLY GAVE THOR MOVIE THE INHERENT AND DUMB GRAVITAS IT NEEDED… WHICH MEAN IT ALL SORT OF LORD OR THE RINGS MINUS THE ACTUAL LYRICISM.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: What’s a lord of the ring?

Tony: No Mordor talk. I’m not the biggest fan of rings of power. In any form.

HULK: IT DOESN’T MATTER… HULK MEAN… CAP, WHY YOU EVEN HANG OUT WITH US? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE TALKING ABOUT MOST TIME. YOU LIKE HULK’S GRANDPA.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I would hit you, but I don’t want to anger you further and kill the fine citizens all around us.

HULK: FINE. AND HULK WON’T TRICK YOU INTO WATCHING “THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE” AGAIN.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: [Shuddering in disgust] You live in unseemly times.

[HULK and TONY high five]

HULK: AND HULK ALSO HAPPY CAUSE IT HONESTLY, IT FUN TO ACTUALLY GET SEE MJOLNIR IN ACTION-

THOR: But you see the mighty hammer in action every night brother! [THOR holds up MJOLNIR!]

THIS THING

HULK: COME ON. YOU KNOW WHAT HULK MEAN. BASICALLY THE MOVIE ALL VERY EARNEST AND WELL-INTENTIONED. AND IT GET LOT MILEAGE OUT OF THAT. BUT HULK BE REMISS IF HULK NOT MENTION THAT THE SORT OF CAVALIER ATTITUDE CAN BE CHARMING, BUT ONLY FIRST VIEWING… SUBSEQUENT VIEWINGS MAY BE FAR LESS KIND.

THOR: Why doeth thou mean oh one of ill-fitting slacks?

HULK: DESPITE THE GOOD INTENTIONS, THE ENTIRE FILM OFF-SET BY THIS INATE HALF-BAKED QUALITY. HULK NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO JUST LABEL ALL THE WRITERS/PEOPLE BEHIND “THOR” IDIOTS. FAR FROM IT. HULK  KNOW THAT FILMMAKERS LITERALLY SPEND YEARS THINKING ABOUT THESE PRODUCTIONS AND EVERY SINGLE CHOICE MADE. IT BOTHER HULK WHEN SOMETIMES AUDIENCE GO, “HOW THEY NEVER THINK OF SO-AND-SO!” BUT THEY WRONG. FILMMAKING ABOUT GETTING WHAT NEED AND MAKING TOUGH CHOICES AND SOMETIMES IT ABOUT CHOOSING WHAT “LOSES.” AND SOMETIMES A FILMMAKER CHOOSE WRONG THING EMPHASIZE IN GIVEN MOMENT.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  So why does he talk about movies so much again?

HULK: HULK TRYING EXPLAIN WHY A MOVIE THAT NOT LAZY OR “BAD” JUST FEEL SO INCOMPLETE, ESPECIALLY FOR PRODUCTION THAT SEEM VERY MUCH IN CONTROL. IT REALLY MAY BE SIMPLE CASE OF THEM CUTTING THE FILM DOWN FOR WRONG REASONS. FOR SUCH EPIC STORY, MAYBE IT REALLY NEED FEEL EPIC IN LENGTH. LIKE FILM JUST NEEDED MORE TIME FOR THE CHARACTER JOURNEY TO EQUAL SCALE OF THE APPARENT JOURNEY THEY WANTED TAKE.

TONY: It was an hour and 55 minutes. I ain’t sitting longer than than 2 hours for anything, unless it’s the world’s best blo-

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Mr. Stark! Language!

HULK: HULK REALLY WISHED IT LONGER. HULK WANTED THERE JUST TO SIMPLY BE MORE OF THOR COMING TO GRIPS WITH LIFE ON EARTH. THE MOVIE JUST: HE CAN NO PICK UP HIS HAMMER. LOKI SAY ODIN DADDY DEAD. AND BOOM. THOR HUMBLED. IT SO SLIGHT. AND MORE IMPORTANT THE LOVE STORY. HULK NEEDED MORE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. EVEN IF IT THE OH-SO-CLICHED “I NO LIKE HIM! NOW I LOVE HIM!” KIND OF THING. PORTMAN GREAT ACTRESS AND THERE JUST SO LITTLE TO DO BESIDES TALK ABOUT HOW DEVOTED SHE TO RESEARCH AND OGLE THOR.

THOR: Who wouldn’t want to ogle Thor, god of thunder?

TONY: Um, all the girls who go home with me instead?

THIS HAPPEN A LOT

HULK: HULK’S POINT THAT JANE SORT JUST LIKE AND TRUST HIM IMMEDIATELY. THERE NO REAL BUILDUP OF “WHY SHOULD I TRUST THIS PERSON?” IT JUST IMPLICIT.  HULK MEAN THE OTHER CHARACTERS DON’T TRUST THOR SO IT THERE IN LARGER SENSE, BUT AS RESULT, JANE HAVE NO REAL JOURNEY.

THOR: Can we not speakth of the lady foster? It pain Thor Odinson to speak of such a tumultuous history.

HULK: AND THAT JUST THE CORE OF MOVIE. WHAT YOU GUYS THINK OF THE SHIELD STUFF?

ALL: [generic groans]

TONY: Those guys are such a pain in my dick.

THOR: They’re well-meaning guardians!

CAP: (softly, to self) I like shields.

HULK: ADMITTEDLY, HULK THINK IT JUST FUN SEE CLARK GREGG. HE SO GOOD IN WHAT COULD BE VERY BORING ROLE. BUT THE SHOEHORNED SHIELD STUFF ALMOST A GIVEN AT THIS POINT. AND HULK NOT GET THE POINT TO ALL THE SHIELD STUFF HONESTLY, CAUSE IT NOT LIKE IT REALLY CHARACTER BUILDING OR SETTING UP STUFF AUDIENCE NEED TO KNOW? WELL MAYBE FOR GREGG BUT HOW MUCH THAT TAKE? CERTAINLY NOT FOR FURY. AND WORST PART FURY SHOULD ACTUALLY BE FUN CHARACTER CAUSE HE HAVE PUT UP WITH US MORONS.

TONY: Yeah, that’s actually pretty true.

THOR: I amth pretty helpless out here.

CAP: (softly, to self) I like shields.

HULK: CAN HULK TALK ABOUT THAT CAMEO WITH HAWKEYE THAT CLEARLY FILMED AFTER THE FACT?

HAWKEYE [who just appeared out of, like, nowhere]: He guys, I was in the movie! Did you see it!

HULK: IT SO SUPERFLUOUS!

TONY: He’s always superfluous!

THOR: Go home!

[Hawkeye lowers his head in shame]

ALWAYS SUPERFLUOUS

HULK: I MEAN HULK REALLY EXCITED TO SEE THE “GRAB THE BOW” REVEAL BECAUSE HULK NOT KNOW IT COMING. THEN THEY JUST WHEEL HIM AIMLESSLY AROUND ON CRANE FOR NO REASON. AND IT GO ON FOR SO LONG. SHORTER WOULD HAVE MUCH MORE IMPACT… HULK ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR RENNER.

TONY: I hope your movie manages to do the Shield stuff much more organically.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I have a movie coming out?

HULK [IGNORING CAP]:  YEAH. HULK THINK IT PROBABLY WORK BEST THERE. OOOOH, OOOH, HULK ALMOST FORGET. BEST STAN LEE CAMEO YET, RIGHT?

ALL: [POSITIVE NODS IN AGREEMENT]

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Actually, I do have a movie related comment now that I think of it!

[Silence.]

TONY: Really?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yeah, what was with the jap and the negro being norse gods?

ALL: [annoyed groans]

TONY: Goddamit Cap!

THOR: Yeah seriously, that isth fucked up.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: What?!?

TONY: How many times do we have to tell you not to be stupidly racist? Like Tea-Party-Level racist. I mean, not only can you NOT do that anymore, you never should have in the first place.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Well sorry for being born near the turn of the century!

TONY: We already turned ANOTHER century you darwinian nightmare!

(awkward silence)

HULK: WHAT YOU ALL THINK OF THE DUTCH ANGLES. PRETTY CRAZY RIGHT? IT SO GLEEFULLY DUMP HULK ALMOST FIND IT CHARMING AFTER WHILE.  IT REMINDED HULK OF-

TONY: All right this is pointless, let’s get the hell back to avengers HQ. I want some scotchy scotch.

HULK: BUT HULK LOVE TALKING AFTER MOVIES!

TONY: No. You like telling us why we’re wrong and yelling at me for falling asleep during “The New World.” I get it, you like movies, but you dropping an essay on us five minutes after seeing the movie isn’t a discussion. It makes us the chorus to your head0space. So c’mon guys let’s go.

HULK: FIVE MORE MINUTES?

TONY: No! Besides, I paid for all your tickets. Thor always shows up from Asgard and forgets to bring money. Cap’s whopping 2500 dollar lifesavings from the 1940’s doesn’t do him good in 2010. And Hulk, you’re as destitute as a Kansas City hooker.

HULK: HULK ALWAYS LOSE WALLET WHEN PUNY BANNER HULK-OUT!

TONY: No, last time you “Hulked-Out” you just went online and spent all your Avengers Stipend money on criterion collections.

HULK: THEY SO GOOD THOUGH! HULK JUST GET HAUSU!

YOU HEAR THAT? HAUSU!

TONY: Shut up! Why do I even hang out with you guys?! You’re all crazy people. That’s it. Me and happy aren’t even going back to HQ! PEPPER Get my briefcase-mark-whatever-suit ready, we’re going to Vegas.

HAWKEYE: I’ll go Tony!

ALL: Shut up!

HULK: LOOK, LOOK SORRY GUYS. HULK JUST WANTED TALK. IT IMPORTANT. THESE MOVIES REALLY AFFECT HOW PEOPLE FEEL AND THINK ABOUT US. WE THE AVENGERS. WE IMPORTANT AND STUFF. AND WITH THOR MOVIE, NO MATTER HOW ENJOYABLE AND EARNEST, IT STILL SLIGHT AND HALF-BAKED. HULK COULD TOTALLY UNDERSTAND SOMEONE SHRUGGING SHOULDERS TO IT, OR EVEN DISLIKING. HULK SURMISE, ONE’S ENJOYMENT OF HULK DEPEND HOW FORGIVING THEY ARE. AND IN THAT CASE, SOCIETY NEED HINDSIGHT, EVEN THOSE RANDOM VIEWS ON HBO YEARS LATER. SO, HULK WILL WAIT AND SEE. THOR EITHER BIG SILLY FUN OR BIG SILLY STUPIDITY. TIME TELL.

[HULK finally looks up from the ground. Everyone has now left. Save for Betty stands there, alone, still by the HULK’S side. HULK swells with emotion and looks back toward the ground]

HULK: SORRY… HULK JUST LIKE MOVIES.

Betty: It’s okay. I do too.

HULK: … GUESS HULK AND BETTY WALKING.

Betty: Yup, but not too high. I’ll barf.

HULK: OKAY. WHAT DID BETTY THINK OF FEMINIST IMPLICATIONS OF JANE’S SLIGHT ROLE IN MOVIE. I MEAN HULK-

Betty: I’ll tell you on the way.

HULK: OKAY.

[With one heave, HULK puts giant HULK arm around Betty and jumps off into the horizon]

HULK’S TOP 13 FILMS OF 2010 (UPDATED TO 15)

HULK ON TWITTER:

FIRST OFF!

THESE LISTS PERSONAL. IT HARD SAY ONE MOVIE BETTER THAN ANOTHER, ESPECIALLY WHEN BOTH MOVIE ARE GOOD AND BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT AIMS. THAT BE SAID, HULK TEND TO REWARD FILMS THAT TRANSCEND RATHER THAN EXECUTE THE STANDARD… EXCEPT WHEN HULK… DOESN’T… IT DEPEND.

SECOND OFF!!

HULK STILL HAVE SEE MORE MOVIES. AT TOP LIST: BLUE VALENTINE,  ENTER THE VOID, MONSTERS, MCGRUBER, RABBIT HOLE, THE FIGHTER, CYRUS, THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT, 127 HOURS, THE GHOST WRITER, EXIT THROUGH GIFT SHOP, AND OTHERS… WOW.. THAT LOT… SORRY, BUT HULK GOTTA PAY FOR THIS SHIT UNLIKE LOTS OTHER CRITICS. SO THIS LIST CHANGE

THIRD OFF!!!

HULK PICK 13 MOVIES CAUSE HULK ALWAYS DRAW LINE OF MOVIES IN “TOP TIER” FOR YEAR. IT CAN BE ANY NUMBER. THESE FILMS FEEL LIKE IN CLASS OF OWN.

(NOTE: NOW UPDATED TO 15 AS HULK JUST SEE TWO NEW MOVIE)

FILM CRIT HULK’S TOP 15 FILMS OF 2010:

WARNING: ACTUAL ACTORS

15. THE KING’S SPEECH (ADDED IN UPDATE)

THE KING SPEECH SEEM LIKE KIND OF OSCAR BAIT MOVIE POISED TO CHARM OLD PEOPLE, AND THEN BORE YOUNGER FOLK WITH DISCERNING TASTE. TRAILER NOT REALLY HELP DISSUADE THAT WITH ALTERNATING WACKINESS FOLLOW BY SWELLING GRAVITAS.  BUT THE KING SPEECH ACTUALLY FANTASTIC. IT ASSURED. EVEN-KEELED. WELL OBSERVED. ALL WACKINESS PERFECTLY IN CONTEXT. FIRTH GIVE ONE OF BEST PERFORMANCES OF CAREER (AND HULK NO CAN WAIT FOR HIM TEAM UP WITH COEN BROS). BETTER YET, IT ACTUALLY CHARACTERIZE BOTH CONTEXTUAL IMPORTANCE OF MONARCHY AND SPECIFIC TIME IN HISTORY. IN SHORT, THE KING SPEECH RATHER GOOD.

JAMES FRANCO. HE'S SO HOT RIGHT NOW

14. HOWL

IT NOT REALLY A MOVIE. IT REALLY JUST READINGS OF HOWL SET AGAINST ANIMATION AND JAMES FRANCO DOING INTERVIEW/IMPRESSION AS/OF ALLEN GINSBERG. AND IT GREAT. AFTER ALL, THAT ALL IT REALLY REALLY NEED.

THIS WILL MAKE SENSE... SORT OF

13. I’M HERE

THIS FILM SHOULD COUNT EVEN LESS, CAUSE IT ACTUALLY A SHORT. BUT 30 MIN LONG ENOUGH FOR HULK CONSIDERATION ON THIS LIST. SPIKE JONZE CONTINUE TO AMAZE HULK. HULK HAVE GO BACK TO THE KANYE SHORT WHICH SHOWCASE SPIKE’S ABILITY BUILD UP MONOTONY/SEEMINGLY RANDOM EVENTS ONLY HAVE IT CREST INTO POETIC, POIGNANT MOMENTS. KANYE’S SUDDEN, FINAL EMOTIONAL STANDOFF WITH HIS INNER “WILD THING” SHOWCASE JONZE CAPABLE OF  SUCH MOMENTS OF UNEXPECTED, SHOCKING HEARTBREAK. AND HE DO SO FROM CONCOCTING THE STRANGEST IMAGES… SO WHEN COMES TO “I’M HERE” WE GET THE SAME IDEA. MORE GLORIOUS STRANGE POETICISM FROM SPIKE JONZE: CHECK OUT ENTIRE FILM HERE ONLINE: http://www.imheremovie.com/

WHY ALL CHILDREN NOT HAVE SCOTTISH ACCENTS TOO?

12. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON

GOOD FOR DREAMWORKS. READER MAY NOTICE HULK PUT THIS ABOVE TOY STORY 3. SOME SAY THIS BLASPHEMY. THAT FINE. PROBLEM WITH TOY STORY 3 FOR HULK IS IT FEEL LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN REHASH OF AMAZING EMILY SEQUENCE OF TOY STORY 2… ONLY DRAWN OUT TO 2 HOURS. DON’T GET HULK WRONG. HULK ENJOY TOY STORY 3 VERY MUCH. AND HULK APPRECIATE EXISTENTIAL CHUTZPUH OF 3RD ACT AND ALL, BUT PIXAR WAS GOING EXCEPTION  AND ORIGINAL DIRECTION BEFORE TOY STORY 3 (WITH WALL-E + UP)… SO WHY GO BACK AND RETREAD? IN END IT JUST FEEL LIKE NAKED CASH GRAB EVEN IF THAT NOT PIXAR M.O. (THO WHEN LOOK UP BOX OFFICE, RATATOUILLE AND RECENT ALL NOT DO AS WELL AS TOY STORY’S + NEMO, ETC… SO PERHAPS NOT UNFOUNDED) … MEANWHILE, DREAMWORKS FINALLY MAKE ACTUAL MOVIE WITH HOW TRAIN DRAGON. THE STORY DONE RATHER WELL AND SOMEHOW IT ORIGINAL FEELING FILM. HULK KNOW, HULK KNOW! IT TAKE TONS FROM OTHER MOVIE BUT THE AMALGAMATION TOTALLY SUCCESSFUL. ANYCRAP, HULK LIKE IT BETTER. SO THERE.

"NO. YOU DON'T JUST DROP THE R'S. SHORTEN THE VOWELS TOO OR ELSE YOU'LL SOUND LIKE A NEW YORKAH"

11. THE TOWN

SO FILMCRITHULK MAY OR MAY NO BE FROM AREA OF THIS MOVIE ORIGINALLY. SO SURE, THERE ONE PART OF HULK THAT APPRECIATE ABILITY OF TOWN TO “GET THINGS RIGHT” SO TO SAY… YET THERE OTHER PART OF HULK THAT WORRY ABOUT ROMANTICIZING OF  BOSTON MEAT-HEAD TOWNIE GANGSTERISM (AND YES, THIS A THING). BUT TRUTH IS, NEITHER REALLY MATTER. THE TOWN SIMPLY WELL-MADE AND FOCUSED MOVIE. HEIST SCENES REALISTIC YET RATHER INTENSE. CHARACTERIZATION FLUID. MAIN ROMANCE ORGANIC. IT FRAMEWORK IMPECCABLE. IF HULK HAVE ONE WORD USE TO DESCRIBE, HULK SAY “BALANCED” BUT MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, THE TOWN (+ GONE BABY GONE) SHOW AFFLECK DYNAMIC AND HAVE BRIGHT FUTURE. AFFLECK DONE GOOD.

YOU CAN NO DRINK TEA UNDERWATER. SHE NOT EVEN HAVE CUP.

10. SOMEWHERE

HULK DETAIL THOUGHTS HERE. THIS FILM REALLY GROW ON HULK.

"THE BEST THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE IS PEOPLE WILL STOP MISTAKING YOU FOR MICHAEL CERA... HOPEFULLY... PEOPLE ARE PRETTY DUMB."*

9. THE SOCIAL NETWORK

PLACEMENT OF SOCIAL NETWORK ON HULKS LIST VERY TRICKY. IT MOVE AROUND LOTS. SOMETIMES HULK PLACE AS HIGH AS 5. AND HULK DO SO CAUSE FIRST HOUR BEYOND EXCEPTIONAL. IT BALANCE PROPULSIVE FILMMAKING AND CAREFUL ARTICULATION. HULK LOVE IT CAUSE IT DO THINGS WELL MOST MOVIE NOT BOTHER DO AT ALL. LIKE DIALOGUE, ETC… BUT SECOND HALF MOVIE TEND WANDER FOR HULK (EVERYTHING POST-TILT SHIFT RACE SEQUENCE). THERE LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY BECAUSE OF REAL NON-FICTION ELEMENT HULK KNOW… BUT HULK FEEL LIKE THEY SPEND SO MUCH TIME SETTING UP ENDING AND THAT TIME COMPLETELY LACK FOCUS OF WHAT COME BEFORE. WORSE, HULK FEEL LIKE SECOND HALF LOSE TRACK OF ZUCKERBERG ALL TOGETHER. THIS SOUND LIKE INANE COMPLAINT CONSIDERING ALL THIS MADE UP WITH POIGNANT, BITING ENDING… HULK LOVE WHAT THE SOCIAL NETWORK HAVE TO SAY, AND HOW IT SAY IT… BUT STILL HULK CAN’T SHAKE SOMETHING ABOUT AIMLESSNESS OF LAST HOUR. SOCIAL NETWORK TRANSCENDENT, YET LIMITED. YEARS FROM NOW WHO KNOW WHERE THIS BE ON LIST? EVEN IN WRITING THIS, HULK FEEL LIKE IT CHANGING HULK’S MIND.

*AND HULK LIKE MICHAEL CERA TOO DAMMIT. EVERYONE STOP COMPLAIN.

"ALL RIGHT LET'S GO FIND SOME MORE SQUIRREL GUTS"

8. WINTER’S BONE

THERE THREE THING THAT ELEVATE THIS QUIET, ABSURDLY WELL-MADE OZARK NOIR: 1) JENNIFER LAWRENCE AS REE. SHE INCREDIBLE. SHE CARRY WEIGHT OF ENTIRE MOVIE AND HAVE DO SO MANY THINGS WITHOUT REALLY CHANGING OUTWARD BEHAVIOR. NOW HULK JUST WORRY ABOUT LACK OF GREAT ROLES FOR JENNIFER LAWRENCE CAUSE NO GOOD ROLES FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 2) FILM SO ASSURED. DIRECTOR DEBRA GRANIK HAVE SUCH SENSE FOR ENVIRONMENT. 3) WINTERS BONE MADE TRANSCENDENT BY JOHN HAWKES. HULK  MUST GET SPOILERY NOW SO TURN AWAY IF NO SEE MOVIE… THERE NOTHING MORE AMAZING IN FILM THEN WHEN AUDIENCE CONSTANTLY CHANGING ITS MIND ON CHARACTER PURELY THROUGH NATURE OF THE CONTEXT. EVOLUTION OF HAWKES’ CHARACTER KIND OF BALANCING ACT THAT NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO DO. AND IF THAT DON’T WORK MOVIE FAIL ALL TOGETHER… “THIS GOING TO BE END OF THINGS?”

THEY ALMOST FILMED MOVIE LIKE THIS

7. SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD

TRUST EDGAR WRIGHT. IT THAT SIMPLE. AT FIRST, MANY REACT AND UNFAIRLY MALIGN PILGRIM AS “HIPSTER BULLSHIT” (NONSENSICAL TERM THERE EVER WAS ONE). IN DO SO, WHAT THEY MISS IS ENDLESSLY INVENTIVE AND BADASS FILM. IN FACT THIS FILM ABOUT BEATING UP HIPSTERS. SO POTENTIAL AUDIENCE MAY HAVE… MISUNDERSTOOD. BETTER YET, PILGRIM ANCHORED BY SIMPLE FOCUS ON MATURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS AND DO SO IN REALISTIC WAY, FAR REMOVED FROM TRADITIONAL LOVE STORY RHAPSODY. BUT THE EDITING OF OF FILM MAY BE BIGGEST WINNER. IT TAKE DEEPLY EPISODIC NARRATIVE AND TURN IT STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS FLO-MATIC GENIUS. HULK IN AWE… OF COURSE, IN COMICS THERE NICE FOCUS ON MALAISE AND REAL LIFE JOB STUFF AND HULK WISH THAT HAVE SOME REPRESENTATION, BUT THAT MINOR. THE FILM PERFECT COMPANION PIECE TO THE BOOKS… THERE NO HIGHER COMPLIMENT.

JESUS

6. BLACK SWAN

ARONOFSKY TYPICALLY ON-POINT. THE MAN DIRECT HELL OUT OF MOVIES. BLACK SWAN GET DEEP UNDER HULKS SKIN. IT VISCERAL BODY HORROR + REALISTIC PORTRAIT OF RIGORS OF BALLET. AND IT ESSENTIALLY HAUNTING META-REWORKING OF SWAN LAKE ITSELF. BRILLIANT. BUT REALLY “BLACK SWAN” IS NATALIE. SHE TRANSCENDENT (HULK KEEP USING THAT WORD. HULK KNOW. BUT HULK DOING IT FOR REASON. HULK TRYING CONVEY WHAT MAKE MOVIE MORE THAN GOOD). NATALIE’S WHITE SWAN MORE NATALIE WE SEEN BEFORE, BUT TO WATCH UNRAVEL AND WHEN FINALLY SHE HAVE TRIUMPHANT “BLACK SWAN” MOMENT IT TRULY ENTHRALLING.

IF YOU SEE HER YOU ALREADY DEAD

5. KICK ASS

HULK FIND THIS MOVIE THE MOST COMPLEX THING COME OUT THIS YEAR BELIEVE OR NOT… LIKELY YOU NOT. WHERE WATCHMEN HAVE LOT TO SAY ABOUT POLITICS, HUMANITY, AND CULTURE. KICK ASS COMMENTARY STAY ALMOST SUPERHERO SPECIFIC. (AND LET HULK TELL YOU, HULK KNOW THING OR TWO BOUT SUPERHERO). KICK ASS ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTOOD ITS MOMENT. IN WORLD WHERE SUPERHERO ORIGINS/DYNAMICS STALE AND ROTE TO AUDIENCE, KICK ASS ELEVATE COMIC VIOLENCE INTO ACTUAL VIOLENCE (GETTING COMIC FAN WORKED UP/ENTRALLED/AMAZED) THEN USE TIMELY INJECTIONS OF GRISLY REALISM TO TURN MOMENTS AND EXPECTATIONS ON HEAD (THINK THE STABBING, THE VIDEO, ETC). THIS NOT TO “FUCK WITH AUDIENCE” OR COME WITH SOME INNER MOTIVATION TO “GO DARKER” THIS BRILLIANT WAY OF ACTUALLY GETTING CYNICAL COMIC AUDIENCE TO REACT. TO CARE. THE AUDIENCE NOT LIKE “OH AWESOME!” THEY ACTUALLY SAY “OH NO!” KICK ASS HAVE ACTUAL HUMAN GRAVITY. KICK ASS ACTUALLY GET JADED COMIC NERDS TO CARE. AND IN END THEY CREATE MOVIE THAT ULTIMATELY SUPERHERO AFFIRMING PIECE OF WORK. IT VERY MODERN+ADULT TAKE ON SAME MESSAGE THAT COMICS GIVE YOUNG KIDS. THAT REMARKABLE TO HULK… PLUS DOUBLE BONUS FOR MATTHEW VAUGHN CAUSE HE GET RID OF RIDICULOUS SEXISM/RACISM OF COMIC AND CLARIFYING MESSAGE HULK STATED ABOVE. COMIC NO REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT SAYING. MOVIE DID… MARK MILLAR SUCKS.

RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE ELSE... JERKS

4. TRUE GRIT

THE COEN BROTHERS HUMBLE HULK. THERE WORK ALL TOO GOOD. THERE NOT SINGLE NEGATIVE THING SAY ABOUT THIS FILM. IT FLAWLESS. COENS WRITE “AMERICAN SHAKESPEARE” HERE ACCORDING TO BARRY PEPPER AND HULK AGREE. EVERY SINGLE PERFORMANCE COULD BE CONSIDERED BEST IN FILM. SERIOUSLY, HULK CAN MAKE ARGUMENT FOR BRIDGES, STEINFELD, DAMON, BROLIN, PEPPER, THE COL., AND EVEN BEAR MAN ALL HAVING BEST PERFORMANCE…  [HULK SHAKES HEAD]… IT JUST TOO GOOD… ONLY REASON THIS MOVIE NOT HIGHER CAUSE… CAUSE… IT NOT TRANSCENDENT LIKE SOME THERE OTHERS? MAYBE CAUSE IN END IT JUST STRAIGHT-UP WESTERN? (UNLIKE, SAY, 3RD ACT INVERSION/POETICS OF NO COUNTRY?) … MAYBE CAUSE HULK KNEW COENS COULD MAKE THIS MOVIE IN THEIR SLEEP? … WHICH INCREDIBLY UNFAIR TO THEM AND ALL OTHER FILMMAKER… BUT… BUT THEY JUST TOO GOOD!

GRETA GERWIG WONDER IF THERE MISPRINT ON STILLER'S CHECK FOR LITTLE FOCKERS... THERE NOT.

3. GREENBERG

EVERYBODY SEEM MISS THIS. THAT SHAME. NOAM BAUMBACH OFTEN MAKE FILM THAT LIKE DAGGER TO HULK’S HEART (WHICH MEAN DAGGER PRETTY STRONG, CAUSE HULKS GREEN SKIN TOUGH). HE MAKE SCATHING YET PERFECTLY FAIR FILMS. AND THERE SOMETHING VERY SPECIFIC THIS FILM CAPTURE. SOMETHING ALMOST WITHOUT DEFINITION: THE PAIN OF GROWING UP AND FEELING YOU MISS OUT ON SOMETHING DEEPER WITHOUT EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS. OR THE FEELING OF WATCHING OWN LIFE PASS YOU BYE EVEN WITH BEST INTENTIONS. NOW, THIS SOMETHING LOTS OF CHARACTERS EXPRESS IN MOVIES ALL THE TIME (USUALLY BEFORE STARTING AFFAIR OR CHANGING LIFE OR SOMETHING) BUT NEVER IT FEEL REAL. NEVER IT FEEL EARNED. IT MERELY PRESENTED AS JUSTIFICATION FOR MOST DUMB PLOTS TO BEGIN. BUT IN GREENBERG. ALL TOO REAL. BAUMBACH KNOW TREAT MALAISE NOT EXISTENCE OF SADNESS (OR, LIKE, DRUG INDUCED COMA). AND BETTER YET BAUMBACH KNOW MOVIES WITH THESE AFOREMENTION “LIFE CHANGES”  MOVIES JUST ATTEMPT FOR WRITER TO JUSTIFY SELFISHNESS. BECAUSE BAUMBACH KNOW IN END MATURITY ABOUT THE EMBRACING THE SADNESS OF SIMPLE DEVOTION TO OTHER PEOPLE. ABOUT THE PAIN OF SELFLESSNESS.  IT CAPTURE A KIND OF REALISM HULK NEVER REALLY SEE IN MOVIES. STILLER REALLY, TRULY DELIVER. AND GRETA GERWIG JUST PHENOMENAL. SHE HAVE EXACT UNDERSTANDING OF HER CHARACTER. THIS EASILY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITES OF YEAR.

"WEE BOUNCING OFF YOUR TEETH"

2. FOUR LIONS

YES. THIS FILM ABOUT TERRORISTS. THIS NOT REALLY MATTER.  HULK NOT INTERESTED IN HAVING CONVERSATION ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THAT VALID. (ASKING WHY SOMEONE MAKE FILM LIKE THIS ANSWER TO IT OWN QUESTION) BESIDE IT NOT “WHAT” FILM ABOUT. IT “HOW” IT ABOUT. AND “HOW” OF FOUR LIONS = REALLY, REALLY FUNNY. HULK LAUGH HARD. HULK LAUGH CONSISTENTLY WHOLE WAY THROUGH (LUCKILY, HULK NEVER WATCHED TRAILER. IT SPOIL LOTS). BUT ALL THIS JUST REQUIREMENT FOR BEING GOOD COMEDY (WHICH FOUR LIONS IS). WHAT PUSH THIS MOVIE TO DIFFERENT LEVEL THAT IT HAVE SOMETHING SAY ABOUT WHY SOMEONE SUBJECT THEM SELF TO HARDCORE IDEOLOGY. FOUR LIONS UNDERSTAND THE MOTIVATIONS BE ANYTHING REALLY. AND THEY NO HAVE BE OVERT. FROM FEELING LIKE OUTCAST. TO FAMILIAL. TO REPRESSED SEXUALITY. TO JUST BEING STUPID BEYOND COMPARE. AND OFTEN WHAT PUSH PEOPLE FROM BEING IDEOLOGUE TO OUTRIGHT TERRORIST, IS SIMPLY MATTER OF CIRCUMSTANCE AND TIMING. SO WHEN FILM REACH WHIMSICAL/HAUNTING FINALE (SET TO APHEX TWIN’S AVRIL 14!) IT ALL BECOME SURREALLY POIGNANT. IF YOU THING HULK EXAGGERATING, YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH CHRIS MORRIS. THIS NOT JUST A FUNNY/GOOD FILM. THIS IMPORTANT FILM.

JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT... BADASS

1. INCEPTION

HULK NOT NOLAN FAN BOY. HULK APPRECIATE ELEMENTS OF HIS WORK. BUT HULK HAVE SERIOUS PROBLEMS TOO. SO TRUST HULK WHEN HULK SAY HULK NOT PREDISPOSED TO LIKE INCEPTION… YET WHEN HULK SIT DOWN TO SEE, HULK ABSOLUTELY BLOWN AWAY BY THIS STAGGERING ACHIEVEMENT.  HULK THINK INCEPTION A LANDMARK FILM AND VERY DEFINITION OF THAT WORD HULK KEEP REPEATING: “TRANSCENDENT.” INCEPTION WORK AS STYLISH THRILLER. IT WORK AS HEIST MOVIE. IT WORK PSYCHOANALYTIC FRENCH NEW WAVE FILM. IT WORK AS LEONARDO’S BEST WORK. IT WORK AS TOM HARDY SHOWCASE. IT WORK AS JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT BEING DEBONAIR BADASS. IT WORK AS ATTEMPT REMIND HULK TOM BERENGER STILL ALIVE. IT WORK AS ALL THESE THING.

HULK FEEL LOT OF PEOPLE MISTAKE IDEAS IN MOVIE FOR JUST BEING  “IS IT ALL A DREAM?” TYPE-BULLSHIT. THEY MISSING FAR BIGGER QUESTIONS. NOLAN NOT INTERESTED IN NATURE OF REALITY, BUT OUR REACTIONS TO NATURE OF REALITY. WHICH WHY MOVIE SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON PSYCHOANALYSIS. NOLAN INTERESTED IN HOW WE DEAL WITH TRUTHS ABOUT SELVES AND HANGUPS. HOW IT PARALYZE US AND SNEAK INTO DAILY WORK. ALL THIS FASCINATING, AND PSYCHOANALYSIS OF EACH CHARACTER TIE DIRECTLY INTO THEY PLOT MOTIVATIONS. NOLAN WANT KNOW WHAT DRIVE U?. WHAT DRIVE AN IDEA? WHAT DRIVE HIS OWN FILMMAKING? WHAT DRIVE NARRATIVE AND EXCITEMENT? AND HE ADDRESS ALL AND MORE SO.

AND FOR RECORD, HULK FIND ARGUMENT ABOUT WHOLE MOVIE/WHICH PARTS “IS REAL” VS “IS NOT REAL” TO BE BAFFLING. NOLAN DOING VERY CLEAR THING. NOLAN DOING OLD MATHETMATIC TRICK OF “ALL ANSWERS WITHIN SET X”… MEANING NOLAN CREATE MOVIE WHERE BOTH EXPLANATIONS (“REAL” / “NOT REAL”) WORK ENTIRELY (NO EVIDENCE SO STRONG AS TO OUTWEIGH OTHER). THE MUCH-TALKED-ABOUT-ENDING JUST HAMMER THIS POINT HOME. IT NOT ONE OR OTHER. IT BOTH. AND THAT THE REAL TRICK.

BUT BACK TO PSYCHOANALYSIS BEING FOCUS OF MOVIE (NOT DREAMS), SOME SAY NOLAN CHEAPEN FILM BY MAKING THE THEMATICS LITERAL MCGUFFINS, BUT HULK THINK THAT THE GENIUS! NOLAN TURN PURELY ABSTRACT CONCEPT OF SYMBOLIC IMAGERY, SON/FATHER RELATIONSHIP, AND GUILT/REGRET INTO COMPELLING-AS-HELL-HEIST FOR MULTIPLEX AUDIENCE! HOW THAT NOT SOMETHING TO BE CELEBRATED? HULK FEEL LIKE THAT REALLY NOT BEEN ACHIEVED SINCE HITCHCOCK KNOCK EVERYONES ASS OUT OF WATER DOING SAME THING.

THE LOVE FOR THIS ONE SORT OF DISSIPATE LATELY… HULK NOT SURE WHY.

HULK THINK INCEPTION A “NEXT LEVEL” FILM.

AND THE BEST OF YEAR.