HULK HAVE DEEP AND ABIDING LOVE OF CINEMA. HULK RECOGNIZE INHERENT VALUES OF POPULAR, NARRATIVE, AND EXPERIMENTAL STYLES. WWW.TWITTER.COM/FILMCRITHULK
[HULK AND BETTY WATCHING TV]
HULK: “WAIT. HULK THINK THAT A YOUNG BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH.”
Betty: “Oh… Wait, what?!?”
HULK: “BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH. HE A BRITISH ACTOR.”
Betty: [Heart swooning at name alone] “… Don’t tease.”
HULK: “NO SERIOUSLY. HE THE NEW SHERLOCK.”
Betty: “Sorry Hulk. I must marry him. It’s fate.” [Wipes single tear from eye]
…..
THANKS BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH’S PARENTS! [KICKS OVER CAR]
THE FOLLOWING A REAL CONVERSATION AMONG THE REAL-LIFE AVENGERS (THAT WOULD BE HULK, THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA, AND IRONMAN AKA TONY STARK) THAT TAKE PLACE OUTSIDE MOVIE THEATER AFTER A MIDNIGHT SCREENING OF “THOR.”
HULK: THANKS FOR GOING MOVIE GUYS! HULK KNOW IT LATE, BUT MIDNIGHT AUDIENCES ALWAYS THE BEST. SO WHAT YOU GUYS THINK? DID YOU LIKE IT?
TONY: Yeah, sure it was fine. [Tony looks over at a group of women watching our group. He smiles and turns back], Wait, why did we see it in 2D again?
HULK: COME ON STARK. YOU TECH GUY. IT POST-CONVERTED AND HONESTLY, HUMAN EYES NOT MEANT TO-
TONY: Blah, blah, hulk smash, blah. No one cares. Blondie what did you think? It was your life.
THOR: Me thinks it odd to see one’s life summarized as a tale of celluloid distortion.
TONY: Odd? Or flattering? I mean c’mon Magic Man you get to be the star. Or at least the aussie kid does.
THOR: One guesses that the film was indeed a somewhat accurate representation of Thor Odinson. At least a small version of this long journey I hath been on. But yes, I suppose the aussie gentlemen did do justice concerning mine story.
HULK: HULK THOUGHT HEMSWORTH DO ADMIRABLE JOB. HE CERTAINLY EMBODY ALL THINGS WE CONSIDER TO BE THOR. IT WEIRD, THE SCENES OF SCRIPT CALL FOR LOT OR RANGE, BUT ODDLY NOT LOT ACTUAL DEVELOPMENT. HE GET TO SHOW LITTLE ARC OR DRAMA. HE SORT OF JUST IN DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL STATE EACH TIME DEPENDING ON NATURE OF SCENE. WHICH MAKE IT OBVIOUS SCRIPT PROBLEM. IT SORT OF REMIND HULK OF-
TONY: [eye roll] Ohhhhhkay enough of that, whaddaya think Cap?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I haven’t been to the movies since I saw “Meet Me In St. Louis.”
HULK: OOOH, 1944! SUCH GOOD YEAR FOR MOVIES! DOUBLE INDEMNITY, LAURA, GASLIGHT, ARSENIC AND-
CAPTAIN AMERICA: It was actually part of USO show, I didn’t make it to the talkies that much. Too busy defending the stars and stripes!
TONY: Please Hulk, can we talk about one movie without talking about 19 other movies we haven’t seen?
HULK: HULK SORRY.
TONY: Good, and for your information I found Thor to be pretty likable.
THOR: Thanks ole friend!
TONY: The movie, not you. You smell like Mead and feet. The movie meanwhile, does not. And it was a actually lot of fun. Not as fun as my movie, which I think everyone here can agree that it fucking rocked, but this was more traditional old-fashioned movie fun.
HULK: HULK AGREE. IT VERY LIKABLE, BUT YOU NO THINK IT… HULK DUNNO… A LITTLE SLIGHT?
THOR: What doe’st thou mean green man of wrath?
HULK: AGAIN, IT ENJOYABLE. EVERYONE INVOLVED CERTAINLY MEAN WELL AND GIVING FULL EFFORT. WHICH WORTH PRAISING. LIKE HULK SAID, HEMSWORTH DEFINITELY SHOW NECCESARY RANGE OF CHARACTER. AND HIDDLESTON PROBABLY HAVE BETTER LOOK AS LOKI, BUT THE PERFORMANCE TOTALLY APT. ONE OF MORE SYMPATHETIC VERSIONS OF LOKI HULK SEE/READ. AND PORTMAN NOT GET LOT SCREENTIME BUT SHE KNOW WHAT SHE NEED DO, WHICH IF HULK BE HONEST, IT JUST SEEM SMART AND PRETTY AND THAT BOUT IT. SKARSGAARD HAVE EVEN SMALLER PART, BUT HIS VERY PRESENCE LEND EXACTLY WHAT NEEDED OF ROLE, A NORDIC, VENERABLE ANCHOR IF WILL WHO CAN GO HIGHBROW/LOWBROW. AND HECK, IDRIS ELBA ALMOST STEAL MOVIE AND ALL HE DO JUST STAND THERE ALL BADASS AND GIVE A FEW PERFECTLY-TIMED BARBS. AND FINALLY, KAT DENNINGS JUST DELIGHTFUL AS AUDIENCE SURROGATE. EVERYTHING SHE DO OSCILLATE BETWEEN GENUINELY FUNNY AND ADORABLE.
[At this moment HULK receives a sharp look from Betty, who nearby chatting with Pepper and Peggy]
HULK: BUT UH, WHAT HULK SAYING, OH YEAH. MOST ALL, BRANAGH REALLY SEEM TO EMBRACE BIG SILLY NONSENSE OF A COSMIC MARVEL MOVIE. WHICH REALLY IMPORTANT BECAUSE THE WORLD OF ASGARD/THOR IN TRUTH JUST BIG SILLY NONSENSE.
THOR: Heyeth!
TONY: Oh c’mon wee odinson, you’re basically a cartoon.
HULK: RIGHT, BUT BRANAGH EMBRACE THAT ASPECT! IT WHAT MAKE THOR BOTH FUNNY AND HEROIC. THERE THIS REAL BEOWULF-IAN BRAVDO TO THE HERO. AND BRANAGH MIX THE CARTOONY-NESS NICELY INTO FISH-OUT-OF-WATER STORY, WHICH OBVIOUSLY ONE OF MOST CLICHE THING IN WORLD, BUT STILL TOTALLY WELL-EXECUTED AND FUN.
TONY: “I need a horse!”
THOR: Ha! Tis funny cos tis true. I doeth say things like that.
HULK: EXACTLY. TONY RIGHT. YOU WALKING CARTOON. BUT EVEN BETTER EXAMPLE HULK THINK = THE WONDERFULLY OVERWROUGHT ANTHONY HOPKINS. PEOPLE TEND THINK HE JUST CRUISING AT THIS POINT, WHICH TOTALLY TRUE, BUT HE ALSO JUST DOING HIS THING REALLY WELL. IT NOT HALF AS LAZY AS DENIRO. BETTER YET, HOPKINS KNOW EXACT WHAT MOVIE HE IN. HE JUST SO YELLY AND SEVERE AND BIG AND-
TONY: Shaaaaakesssppeeeeareee!!! [Shakes fist to the sky]
HULK: HULK LAUGH. RIGHT. IT ALL VERY BOMBASTIC AND VERY, VERY BRANAGH. HE REALLY GAVE THOR MOVIE THE INHERENT AND DUMB GRAVITAS IT NEEDED… WHICH MEAN IT ALL SORT OF LORD OR THE RINGS MINUS THE ACTUAL LYRICISM.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What’s a lord of the ring?
Tony: No Mordor talk. I’m not the biggest fan of rings of power. In any form.
HULK: IT DOESN’T MATTER… HULK MEAN… CAP, WHY YOU EVEN HANG OUT WITH US? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE TALKING ABOUT MOST TIME. YOU LIKE HULK’S GRANDPA.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I would hit you, but I don’t want to anger you further and kill the fine citizens all around us.
HULK: FINE. AND HULK WON’T TRICK YOU INTO WATCHING “THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE” AGAIN.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: [Shuddering in disgust] You live in unseemly times.
[HULK and TONY high five]
HULK: AND HULK ALSO HAPPY CAUSE IT HONESTLY, IT FUN TO ACTUALLY GET SEE MJOLNIR IN ACTION-
THOR: But you see the mighty hammer in action every night brother! [THOR holds up MJOLNIR!]
HULK: COME ON. YOU KNOW WHAT HULK MEAN. BASICALLY THE MOVIE ALL VERY EARNEST AND WELL-INTENTIONED. AND IT GET LOT MILEAGE OUT OF THAT. BUT HULK BE REMISS IF HULK NOT MENTION THAT THE SORT OF CAVALIER ATTITUDE CAN BE CHARMING, BUT ONLY FIRST VIEWING… SUBSEQUENT VIEWINGS MAY BE FAR LESS KIND.
THOR: Why doeth thou mean oh one of ill-fitting slacks?
HULK: DESPITE THE GOOD INTENTIONS, THE ENTIRE FILM OFF-SET BY THIS INATE HALF-BAKED QUALITY. HULK NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO JUST LABEL ALL THE WRITERS/PEOPLE BEHIND “THOR” IDIOTS. FAR FROM IT. HULK KNOW THAT FILMMAKERS LITERALLY SPEND YEARS THINKING ABOUT THESE PRODUCTIONS AND EVERY SINGLE CHOICE MADE. IT BOTHER HULK WHEN SOMETIMES AUDIENCE GO, “HOW THEY NEVER THINK OF SO-AND-SO!” BUT THEY WRONG. FILMMAKING ABOUT GETTING WHAT NEED AND MAKING TOUGH CHOICES AND SOMETIMES IT ABOUT CHOOSING WHAT “LOSES.” AND SOMETIMES A FILMMAKER CHOOSE WRONG THING EMPHASIZE IN GIVEN MOMENT.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: So why does he talk about movies so much again?
HULK: HULK TRYING EXPLAIN WHY A MOVIE THAT NOT LAZY OR “BAD” JUST FEEL SO INCOMPLETE, ESPECIALLY FOR PRODUCTION THAT SEEM VERY MUCH IN CONTROL. IT REALLY MAY BE SIMPLE CASE OF THEM CUTTING THE FILM DOWN FOR WRONG REASONS. FOR SUCH EPIC STORY, MAYBE IT REALLY NEED FEEL EPIC IN LENGTH. LIKE FILM JUST NEEDED MORE TIME FOR THE CHARACTER JOURNEY TO EQUAL SCALE OF THE APPARENT JOURNEY THEY WANTED TAKE.
TONY: It was an hour and 55 minutes. I ain’t sitting longer than than 2 hours for anything, unless it’s the world’s best blo-
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Mr. Stark! Language!
HULK: HULK REALLY WISHED IT LONGER. HULK WANTED THERE JUST TO SIMPLY BE MORE OF THOR COMING TO GRIPS WITH LIFE ON EARTH. THE MOVIE JUST: HE CAN NO PICK UP HIS HAMMER. LOKI SAY ODIN DADDY DEAD. AND BOOM. THOR HUMBLED. IT SO SLIGHT. AND MORE IMPORTANT THE LOVE STORY. HULK NEEDED MORE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. EVEN IF IT THE OH-SO-CLICHED “I NO LIKE HIM! NOW I LOVE HIM!” KIND OF THING. PORTMAN GREAT ACTRESS AND THERE JUST SO LITTLE TO DO BESIDES TALK ABOUT HOW DEVOTED SHE TO RESEARCH AND OGLE THOR.
THOR: Who wouldn’t want to ogle Thor, god of thunder?
TONY: Um, all the girls who go home with me instead?
HULK: HULK’S POINT THAT JANE SORT JUST LIKE AND TRUST HIM IMMEDIATELY. THERE NO REAL BUILDUP OF “WHY SHOULD I TRUST THIS PERSON?” IT JUST IMPLICIT. HULK MEAN THE OTHER CHARACTERS DON’T TRUST THOR SO IT THERE IN LARGER SENSE, BUT AS RESULT, JANE HAVE NO REAL JOURNEY.
THOR: Can we not speakth of the lady foster? It pain Thor Odinson to speak of such a tumultuous history.
HULK: AND THAT JUST THE CORE OF MOVIE. WHAT YOU GUYS THINK OF THE SHIELD STUFF?
ALL: [generic groans]
TONY: Those guys are such a pain in my dick.
THOR: They’re well-meaning guardians!
CAP: (softly, to self) I like shields.
HULK: ADMITTEDLY, HULK THINK IT JUST FUN SEE CLARK GREGG. HE SO GOOD IN WHAT COULD BE VERY BORING ROLE. BUT THE SHOEHORNED SHIELD STUFF ALMOST A GIVEN AT THIS POINT. AND HULK NOT GET THE POINT TO ALL THE SHIELD STUFF HONESTLY, CAUSE IT NOT LIKE IT REALLY CHARACTER BUILDING OR SETTING UP STUFF AUDIENCE NEED TO KNOW? WELL MAYBE FOR GREGG BUT HOW MUCH THAT TAKE? CERTAINLY NOT FOR FURY. AND WORST PART FURY SHOULD ACTUALLY BE FUN CHARACTER CAUSE HE HAVE PUT UP WITH US MORONS.
TONY: Yeah, that’s actually pretty true.
THOR: I amth pretty helpless out here.
CAP: (softly, to self) I like shields.
HULK: CAN HULK TALK ABOUT THAT CAMEO WITH HAWKEYE THAT CLEARLY FILMED AFTER THE FACT?
HAWKEYE [who just appeared out of, like, nowhere]: He guys, I was in the movie! Did you see it!
HULK: IT SO SUPERFLUOUS!
TONY: He’s always superfluous!
THOR: Go home!
[Hawkeye lowers his head in shame]
HULK: I MEAN HULK REALLY EXCITED TO SEE THE “GRAB THE BOW” REVEAL BECAUSE HULK NOT KNOW IT COMING. THEN THEY JUST WHEEL HIM AIMLESSLY AROUND ON CRANE FOR NO REASON. AND IT GO ON FOR SO LONG. SHORTER WOULD HAVE MUCH MORE IMPACT… HULK ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR RENNER.
TONY: I hope your movie manages to do the Shield stuff much more organically.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I have a movie coming out?
HULK [IGNORING CAP]: YEAH. HULK THINK IT PROBABLY WORK BEST THERE. OOOOH, OOOH, HULK ALMOST FORGET. BEST STAN LEE CAMEO YET, RIGHT?
ALL: [POSITIVE NODS IN AGREEMENT]
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Actually, I do have a movie related comment now that I think of it!
[Silence.]
TONY: Really?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yeah, what was with the jap and the negro being norse gods?
ALL: [annoyed groans]
TONY: Goddamit Cap!
THOR: Yeah seriously, that isth fucked up.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What?!?
TONY: How many times do we have to tell you not to be stupidly racist? Like Tea-Party-Level racist. I mean, not only can you NOT do that anymore, you never should have in the first place.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Well sorry for being born near the turn of the century!
TONY: We already turned ANOTHER century you darwinian nightmare!
(awkward silence)
HULK: WHAT YOU ALL THINK OF THE DUTCH ANGLES. PRETTY CRAZY RIGHT? IT SO GLEEFULLY DUMP HULK ALMOST FIND IT CHARMING AFTER WHILE. IT REMINDED HULK OF-
TONY: All right this is pointless, let’s get the hell back to avengers HQ. I want some scotchy scotch.
HULK: BUT HULK LOVE TALKING AFTER MOVIES!
TONY: No. You like telling us why we’re wrong and yelling at me for falling asleep during “The New World.” I get it, you like movies, but you dropping an essay on us five minutes after seeing the movie isn’t a discussion. It makes us the chorus to your head0space. So c’mon guys let’s go.
HULK: FIVE MORE MINUTES?
TONY: No! Besides, I paid for all your tickets. Thor always shows up from Asgard and forgets to bring money. Cap’s whopping 2500 dollar lifesavings from the 1940’s doesn’t do him good in 2010. And Hulk, you’re as destitute as a Kansas City hooker.
HULK: HULK ALWAYS LOSE WALLET WHEN PUNY BANNER HULK-OUT!
TONY: No, last time you “Hulked-Out” you just went online and spent all your Avengers Stipend money on criterion collections.
HULK: THEY SO GOOD THOUGH! HULK JUST GET HAUSU!
TONY: Shut up! Why do I even hang out with you guys?! You’re all crazy people. That’s it. Me and happy aren’t even going back to HQ! PEPPER Get my briefcase-mark-whatever-suit ready, we’re going to Vegas.
HAWKEYE: I’ll go Tony!
ALL: Shut up!
HULK: LOOK, LOOK SORRY GUYS. HULK JUST WANTED TALK. IT IMPORTANT. THESE MOVIES REALLY AFFECT HOW PEOPLE FEEL AND THINK ABOUT US. WE THE AVENGERS. WE IMPORTANT AND STUFF. AND WITH THOR MOVIE, NO MATTER HOW ENJOYABLE AND EARNEST, IT STILL SLIGHT AND HALF-BAKED. HULK COULD TOTALLY UNDERSTAND SOMEONE SHRUGGING SHOULDERS TO IT, OR EVEN DISLIKING. HULK SURMISE, ONE’S ENJOYMENT OF HULK DEPEND HOW FORGIVING THEY ARE. AND IN THAT CASE, SOCIETY NEED HINDSIGHT, EVEN THOSE RANDOM VIEWS ON HBO YEARS LATER. SO, HULK WILL WAIT AND SEE. THOR EITHER BIG SILLY FUN OR BIG SILLY STUPIDITY. TIME TELL.
[HULK finally looks up from the ground. Everyone has now left. Save for Betty stands there, alone, still by the HULK’S side. HULK swells with emotion and looks back toward the ground]
HULK: SORRY… HULK JUST LIKE MOVIES.
Betty: It’s okay. I do too.
HULK: … GUESS HULK AND BETTY WALKING.
Betty: Yup, but not too high. I’ll barf.
HULK: OKAY. WHAT DID BETTY THINK OF FEMINIST IMPLICATIONS OF JANE’S SLIGHT ROLE IN MOVIE. I MEAN HULK-
Betty: I’ll tell you on the way.
HULK: OKAY.
[With one heave, HULK puts giant HULK arm around Betty and jumps off into the horizon]
LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK. HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.
THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.
BOND ENTRY #2. “FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE” (1963)
THE SECOND ENTRY IN BOND SERIES DEFINITELY IN HULK’S RUNNING FOR “BEST BOND EVER.” BUT IN ORDER QUALIFY THAT, HULK FIRST DISCUSS “WHAT MAKE A GOOD BOND FILM?”
TO SOME, THEY JUST WANT GOOD MOVIE. ONE THAT OBSCURE THE NONSENSICAL ELEMENTS OF BOND SERIES IN ORDER GRAVITATE TOWARD THINGS LIKE “STORY” AND “EMOTION.” FOR OTHERS, THEY WANT AS MANY BOND CONVENTIONS TO BE LOADED INTO 2 HOURS AS POSSIBLE. HULK ARGUE THIS SORT OF “ANTI-MOVIE-MAKING” BUT HULK UNDERSTAND IT TOO. BECAUSE THERE THINGS THAT MAKE JAMES BOND UNIQUELY JAMES BOND. AND EVERY COUPLE YEARS PEOPLE WANT GET THEIR FILL. HULK TOTALLY GET IT, BUT IT ALSO CAN GET A BIT PAVLOVIAN AT TIMES (CHECK OUT THE ABSURDLY FRIGHTENING “CRAIG NOT BOND” CAMPAIGN FROM FEW YEARS BACK THAT PREDICATED PURELY ON FACT DANIEL CRAIG HAVE BLONDE HAIR. IT BEYOND FUCKING INSANE.)
HULK LEAN A LITTLE HEAVY ON THE “STORY” DIRECTION (HULK MEAN, ARE THESE MOVIES OR ARE THESE MOVIES?) BUT REALLY HULK DEEPLY APPRECIATE THE SUCCESSFUL BLENDING OF THE TWO. WHAT MAKE THE EARLY CONNERY RUN SO EXCITING THAT THEY MAKING THE RULES OF SERIES RIGHT THEN/THERE. IT GENUINELY FUN SEE HOW THE SHADOW S.P.E.C.T.E.R. EXTEND FURTHER AND FURTHER INTO WORLD INFLUENCE. AND THE INCREASING GRANDEUR OF EVIL LAIRS = GENUINELY THRILLING TO AUDIENCE (IT NEAT FOR MODERN AUDIENCE SEE ACTUAL THINGS CALLED “SETS”). SO HULK LOVE IT WHEN LATER FILMS MANAGE TO CAPTURE SAME SENSE OF AWE, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HOW DIFFICULT DO SINCE AUDIENCE KNOW IT COMING.
MOVING ON: HULK ACTUALLY HAVE THEORY THAT EVERY BOND FILM MERELY A RESPONSE TO THE RESPONSE OF THE ONE BEFORE IT. NOT ENOUGH GADGETS? THE NEXT ONE HAVE CRAZY GADGETS EVERYWHERE. TOO MANY GADGETS EVERYWHERE? THE NEXT ONE GO EASY ON GADGETS… AND SO ON. FOR EXAMPLE PEOPLE LIKE THE GRITTY, REALISTIC MANNER OF CASINO ROYALE, BUT WANTED MORE ACTION SCENE, SO QUANTUM OF SOLACE GO EVEN FURTHER WITH GRITTY AND ALSO CRAM IT CHOCK FULL OF ACTION SCENE. OF COURSE PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS SO NEXT ONE WILL GO MORE WITH INTRIGUE/SUAVENESS.
AND THIS “REACTION TO LAST ONE” EVEN QUALIFY FOR “FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE.”
THE FIRST FILM “DR. NO” COME OUT AND IT MASSIVE HIT. PEOPLE LOVE THE GAGDET STUFF SO THIS TIME BOND GET REALLY NEAT BRIEFCASE FULL OF THEM. LIKEWISE, SOME PEOPLE FELT DR. NO NOT SERIOUS ENOUGH SPY MOVIE SO “RUSSIA” OBSCURE SOME OF THE CAMP OF FIRST ONE AND FAVOR A MORE CONCENTRATED AND CLASSIC ESPIONAGE/LOVE STORY. IN FACT, THE FILM HAS HITCHCOCK INFLUENCE ALL OVER IT: THE HELICOPTER CHASE RIGHT OUT OF “NORTH BY NORTHWEST”. THE SNIPER SCENE SHOT COMPLETELY IN HITCHCOCKIAN STYLE. THEN THERE WHOLE WONDERFULLY QUIET/TENSE “STRANGERS ON A TRAIN” FINALE.
SOME PEOPLE THINK “FROM RUSSIA” A LITTLE TOO BORING AND NOT “BOND ENOUGH,” BUT HULK THINK THE WHOLE MOVIE WORK GREAT AS PERFECT BLENDING OF PURE BOND ENTRY AND INDEPENDENT PIECE OF CINEMA. IT DEFINITELY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITES.
BEST MOMENT: SURPRISINGLY EFFECTIVE CLOSE-QUARTER FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY IN THE TRAIN / ROSA KLEBB IN THE MAID OUTFIT (TIE)
YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?:
1) DANIELA BIANCHI AS TATIANA RAMANOVA – ARCHETYPE: THE RIVAL AGENT SET UP BE VILLAINESS (THOUGH IN THIS VARIATION SHE SORT OF UNWITTING ONE) BUT SHE ACTUALLY FALL FOR HIM. SHE CONTINUE THE BOND GIRL TRADITION OF VACUOUSNESS (WHICH ALL MORE WEIRD CONSIDERING SHE A QUALIFIED RUSSIAN AGENT?)… BUT HERE THING. DESPITE ALL THIS NONSENSE, TATIANA RAMANOVA STILL FEEL LIKE REAL PERSON. HULK KNOW, HULK KNOW. THAT SEEM LIKE WEIRD STATEMENT, BUT FILM JUST SPEND SO MUCH TIME WITH HER (WAY MORE THAN ANY OTHER BOND GIRL) THAT EVEN IF SHE BIT NAIVE, HER LOOK AND CHARACTER JUST MUCH MORE OF A “ADULT WOMAN” IN COMPARISON TO THE PARADE OF INFANTILE GIRLS BOND FILM USUALLY SHOVE OUT THERE. BIANCHI’S RAMANOVA MUCH MORE OF A HITCHCOCKIAN FEMALE LEAD (COMPLETE WITH THEIR OWN PROBLEMS OF SEXISM) RATHER THAN THE COMPLETE FEMALE IDIOT AUDIENCE WILL GROW USE TO. AND PERHAPS THAT WHY SHE ONE OF HULK’S FAVES.
2 + 3) MARTINE BESWICK AND ALIZA GUR – BOTH PLAY TWO GYPSIES IN WHAT ALSO HAPPEN TO BE OUR:
MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: TWO GYPSY WOMEN MADE TO FIGHT TO DEATH FOR RIGHT TO JAMES BOND’S DONG… OF COURSE THEY BOTH WIN.
SUPPORTING CAST – DR. NO HINTED AT END OF FIRST FILM THAT HE JUST PART OF LARGER ORGANIZATION S.P.E.C.T.E.R. HERE WE SEE MORE OF SHADOWY WEALTHY GROUP. AND 1) THE MAIN “VILLAIN” IN THIS ONE SIMPLY AN ARYAN BLONDE HITMAN NAMED “DONALD GRANT” WHO SENT TO KILL HIM. HE SPEND MOST OF MOVIE LOOKING MENACING AND TRACKING BOND ACROSS EUROPE (WHILE USING RAMANOVA AS PAWN) BUT RARELY SPEAKING. WHICH MEAN HE SIMPLY NEED HAVE GREAT LOOK/NATURAL PRESENCE. SO WHO BETTER THAN ROBERT SHAW! THAT RIGHT! QUINT FROM JAWS! ANYWHO, HE MOSTLY SET UP AS SILENT BAD ASS. THEN IN FINALE HE SURPRISE AUDIENCE WITH COVERT WITH BRITISH ACCENT IN GREAT TETE-A-TETE SCENE WITH BOND. THE BUILD UP SO GOOD THAT “ARYAN BLONDE ASSASSIN” ACTUALLY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE BOND VILLAINS.
2) PEDRO ARMENDARIZ AS ALI KERIM BEY – YET ANOTHER OF THE MINORITY SUPPORTING CHARACTERS WHO SHOW UP AND DIE IN SERVICE OF JAMES BOND. THIS ONE MADE ALL THE BETTER BY HAVING A FAMOUS MEXICAN CHARACTER ACTOR PLAY TURKISH GUY (THE 60S CAN GET AWAY W/ THAT STUFF… THEN AGAIN, HOLLYWOOD STILL GET AWAY WITH PAN-ASIAN CASTING LIKE NOBODY BUSINESS). TO BE FAIR, PEDRO PRETTY GOOD IN FILM. MEANING HE SORTA LIKABLE AND HE NOT TOTALLY EMBARRASSING. IT THE LITTLE THINGS… HIS STORY A SAD ONE AS HE FIND OUT HE HAVE TERMINAL CANCER WHILE FILMING AND DIE SHORTLY AFTER COMPLETION.
3) DESMOND LLEWELYN MAKE FIRST APPEARANCE AS Q! OK, HE JUST “BOOTHROYD” AT THIS POINT AND NOT IN FULL Q GLORY YET, BUT WE GET SEE FIRST BITS OF HIS SHTICK. HULK SAVE HIS “Q” TAKE FOR LATER.
4) LOTTE LENYA AS ROSA KLEBB – TOO FANTASTIC TO DESCRIBE. HER MINCING ALPHA LESBIANISM AND PATENT ABSURDITY EVEN BETTER THAN HER AUSTIN POWERS DOPPELGANGER.
DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: 5 HULK SMASHES OUT OF5!
BETTY’S TAKE: “I still can’t get over his thighs ”
HULK NEVER SEEN TRANSFORMERS 2 BEFORE. HULK ALWAYS SWEAR HULK NEVER SEE IT.
IT SHOWING UP ON HBO LOT NOW, SO FOR SOME REASON HULK DECIDE TO SEE AND TWEET ABOUT IT AFTER MUCH TWITTER FOLLOWER SUPPORT OF IDEA.
THIS MEANT BE DONE IN TWITTER FORM. BUT HULK HAD 13 PAGE OF NOTES AND HUNDREDS OF ENTRIES. IT WOULD CLOG TWITTER UP + BE ANNOYING TO FOLLOWERS. SO HULK THINK THIS BETTER FORMAT.
AND SO BEGINS HULKS RUNNING DIARY OF TRANSFORMERS 2:
:00 MINUTES – MOVIE START
:01 MINUTES – “HUMANS CAPABLE OF GREAT COMPASSION” [MATCH TO SHOT OF AFRICAN TRIBESMAN W/ SPEARS]
:01 – NEVERMIND. BAY ONLY INTERESTED IN ‘GREAT VIOLENCE” PART OF THAT YIN-YANG
:02 – OH IT 10,000 BC TRANSFORMERS EDITION. HOW SAD FOR AUDIENCE.
:02 – WAIT… WHY ANCIENT 10,000 BC TRANSFORMERS SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH?
:02 – WHY AN AUTOBOT SAY “SUCK MY POPSICLE?” WHEN DID AUTOBOTS BECOME ADOLESCENT DICKS?
:02 – MICHAEL BAYESQUE MILITARY SOLDIER COMPLAINT #1
:03 – WAIT, TRANSFORMERS CAN SMELL?
:05 – OH GOD. ICE CREAM TRUCK = THE INFAMOUS TWINS…HULK HAVE BAAAAD FEELING ABOUT THIS
:06 – WHY THAT ONE TRANSFORMER ICE SKATING?
:06 – WHICH ONES ARE BAD AND WHICH ONES ARE GOOD? HULK SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER? THERE NO PRIME YET.
:06 – SO FAR THIS JUST A BUNCH OF STUFF HAPPENING ON SCREEN
:07 – HULK PRETTY SURE THIS UBER-PUBLIC BRAWL IN SHANGHAI WOULD EXPOSE TRANSFORMER EXISTENCE
:07 – “PUNK ASS DECEPTICON”… IF TRANSFORMERS COPY HOW WE TALK WHY THEY DECIDE TO TALK LIKE 7TH GRADE IDIOTS?
:07 – POINT BEING, NO RESPECTABLE COOL PERSON ACTUALLY SAY “PUNK ASS” … TRANSFORMERS CAN DO BETTER
:07 – THEN AGAIN, MICHAEL BAY STILL USES 1991 HIP HOP VIDEOS AS REFERENCE POINT OF COOL
:07 – WAIT, HAS OPTIMUS PRIME BECOME DIRTY HARRY SINCE LAST FILM? HE JUST EXECUTED SOME DECEPTICON… LIKE EXECUTION STYLE.
:08: – OH GREAT. THE PARENTS ARE BACK. THIS WILL BE FUNCTIONAL TO PLOT + THEMATICS, HULK SURE.
:09 – MEGAN FOX’S BUTT JUST GOT RE-INTRODUCED BEFORE MEGAN FOX.
:09 – … POOR MEGAN FOX
:11 – WHY CUBE SHARD JUST MELT THROUGH FLOORS LIKE “ALIEN” BLOOD?
:11 – THIS KITCHEN APPLIANCE TRANSFORMER ATTACK APPEAR BE MOST SUPERFLUOUS SCENE IN FILM HISTORY
:13 – DIDN’T BUMBLEBEE GET TALK AT END OF LAST MOVIE?
:13 – OH THANKS MICHAEL BAY. HULK NEEDED TERRIBLE THROWAWAY LINE OF DIALOGUE TO EXPLAIN THAT POINTLESS DECISION.
:16 – SPINNING CAMERA + NONSENSE RELATIONSHIP LOVE TALK = HULK LOSING STEAM
:17 – WHY SOUNDWAVE A SATELLITE WHO SOUND LIKE DR. CLAW?
:17 – OK. TINY BIT RESEARCH SHOW THEY ACTUALLY SAME VOICE. THE GREAT FRANK WELKER. SO SUE HULK.
:17 – BUT SERIOUSLY, SOUNDWAVE, THE MOST ENDEARINGLY DUMB TRANSFORMER HAS TO BE TURNED LOGICAL “CAUSE AN 80’S BOOMBOX NO MAKE SENSE”? WHAT MOVIE DO MICHAEL BAY THINK HE MAKING!?!?
:17 – PUT THIS WAY: A HILARIOUS GIANT BOOMBOX MUCH LESS STUPID THAN SUDDENLY INCLUDING A RACIST ICE CREAM TRUCK.
:17 – GUESS WHICH ONE HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE?
:18 – AND ON CUE… THEY APPEAR AGAIN
:19 – WHY ALL THE AUTOBOTS JUST LINED UP IN HANGAR? DO THEY, LIKE, SLEEP IN CAR FORM?
:19 – THEY SHOULD BE PLAYING CARDS OR SOMETHING. BEING A TRANSFORMER MUST BE BORING.
:20 – DUMB TYRESE LINE: “GOD MADE US IN HIS IMAGE. WHAT MADE [OPTIMUS PRIME]?” ANSWER: MICHAEL FUCKING BAY
:21 – WHAT? A COMPLAINT ABOUT PANSY LIBERAL PRESIDENT? IN A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE?!
:23 – WASHINGTON HACK: “OK, LET’S GO OVER THIS HIGHLY DETAILED AND UBER-SPECIFIC INFORMATION EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM ALREADY KNOWS (EVEN THOUGH I’M AN OUTSIDER) NOW THAT AS OF SERIOUSLY 30 SECONDS AGO WE STARTED BEING MONITORED BY THE GIANT SPACE BOOMBOX.” … GIVE HULK BREAK.
:27 – COLLEGE ROOMATE: “I READ YOUR FILE. I’M POOR. YOU’RE POOR” OKAY…. GET READY FOR HULK SMASH RAMPAGE:
:27 – MICHAEL BAY/HOLLYWOOD’S DEFINITION OF “POOR” = MORE INSULTING THAN SKIDZ AND MUDFLAP. THEY SEE SAM’S HUGE FREAKING HOUSE? HIS HUGE FREAKING HOUSE IN LOS ANGELES!?!??!??!?! AND THAT OTHER KID HAVE ENOUGH ELECTRONICS AND FRAMED POSTERS TO DEFINITELY NOT BE POOR. THIS ABSURD AND HULK’S LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE CONVENTION. HULK SMASH THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
:27 – SERIOUSLY…
:28 – AND NOW THE MOM EATING POT BROWNIES… THIS SHOULD MAKE SENSE.
:28 – SO ROOMMATE HACKED UNIVERSITY AND PUT ALL HOT GIRLS IN THEIR DORM? THIS SHOULD BE OWN MOVIE. THIS BAD SEX COMEDY FROM 1998.
:28 – “HE RECENTLY POPPED HIS CHERRY. I WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM AND HEARD THE WHOLE THING.”… THE MOMENT WHEN DIGNITY DIED.
:28 – OKAY, YEAH HULK LAUGHED FOR 1 SECOND AT THAT. “CRITIC HAS BE HONEST WHEN MAKES LAUGH” – EBERT?
:29 – AND NOW THERE SABERTOOTH TIGER DECEPTICON… SURE
:29 – THAT VOMIT LITTLE BRASS BALLS… THAT ARE ALSO TRANSFORMERS… SURE
:30 – OBLIGATORY TERMINATOR 2 MUSIC CUE WHEN BRASS BALL TRANSFORMERS MELD TOGETHER INTO THIN GLASS LIKE TRANSFORMER… [SHRUGS] SURE
:32 – WHY THERE NO AUTOBOT GUARD WITH ALL SPARK SHARD AT ALL TIMES? THEY JUST SITTING THERE AS CARS RIGHT NOW.
:37 – WHY SAM NOT TELL OPTIMUS HE HAVE ANOTHER SHARD? OPTIMUS MAKE IT CLEAR THEY NEED ONE.
:37 – SAM WITWICKY: TOTAL DICK
:38 – WAIT MEGATRON WASN’T KILLED? HULK PRETTY SURE HE KILLED IN LAST ONE.
:38 – WAIT, WHERE THOSE 4 OTHER DECIPTICONS COME FROM? THERE JUST TIGER ONE BEFORE… WUHT?
:39 – OKAY MEGATRON JUST FLY TO CYBERTRON, WHICH MULTIPLE LIGHT YEARS AWAY, IN LIKE 2 EARTH MINUTES…
:39 – THERE PROBLEM WITH PHYSICS THERE HULK SURE.
:39 – YES. HULK NITPICKING. BUT IF MOVIE THIS DUMB GOING SPEND MOST OF IT TIME THINKING UP OVERTLY-COMPLICATED EXPLANATIONS FOR HALF THE NONSENSE THAT HULK NOT GIVE SHIT ABOUT ANYWAY, HULK RESERVE RIGHT, NAY! THE HONOR OF CALLING OUT THE OTHER HALF OF NONSENSICAL BULLSHIT.
:39 – SERIOUSLY? WHY BOTHER HALF-ASSING!? WHOLE-ASS IT! GO CRANK 2 ON US. IT BETTER FOR EVERYONE.
:41 -WHY TRANSFORMERS BORN IN SAC’S OF FLUID? THE TRANSFORMERS MYTHOLOGY ONE OF MOST CONFUSING THINGS ON PLANET AND HULK TRIED FIGURE OUT “PRIMER.”
:41 – ACTUALLY PRIMER CAN BE FIGURED OUT SORTA AND IT BRILLIANT
:42 – OH HEY. IT RAINN WILSON… TENURED IVY LEAGUE PROFESSOR?!
:43 – SAM’S ALL SPARK SEIZURES = TOO MUCH LIKE SAM’S O-FACE.
:46 – TINY/HORNY TRANSFORMER TO MEGAN FOX “YOU’RE HOT BUT YOU AIN’T TOO BRIGHT.” JESUS CHRIST MICHAEL BAY
:47 – NOTE TO HULK: TINY TRANSFORMER GET THROUGH CHECKED LUGGAGE SCANNER JUST FINE. NO WORRIES.
:50 – WHY SKINNY WEIRD SUPPOSEDLY “HOT” GIRL HAVE TRANSFORMER TAIL?!?!
:50 – … OH
:51 – … SERIOUSLY?
:52 – … SERIOUSLY!?! SO TRANSFORMERS CAN HAVE, LIKE, HUMAN SKIN? THIS WHOLE TIME?
:53 – … CAUSE THERE MANY TIME THAT NOT TOTALLY BE ADVANTAGEOUS OR ANYTHING.
:53 – JESUS.
:54 – OKAY SHIA/MEGAN’S LIBRARY BANTER AT LEAST RESEMBLE CINEMATIC DIALOGUE IN ROUGHEST SENSE #HOORAYFORAUDIENCE
:56 – AND NOW A TRANSFORMER SLUG TAKEN FROM MATRIX JUST POOPED IN SHIA’S MOUTH
:59 – WAIT, HOW THEY IN FOREST NOW?
1:00 – ONLY ONE HOUR DOWN!??! GOOD GOD.
1:00 – OPTIMUS JUST RIP DECPTICON’S FACE IN HALF… KIDS MOVIE!
1:00 – HULK TAKE MOMENT TALK ABOUT THE “RATED-R”-IFICATION OF CHILDREN’S PROPERTY. LOOK. HULK ONCE LITTLE HULK TOO. HULK LIKED TRANSFORMERS A LOT. HULK HAD TONS OF THEM. GOING BACK NOW HULK RECOGNIZE FUN AND SILLINESS OF THESE TOYS. HULK LIKE AND HAVE FONDNESS FOR THEM. BUT IN NO PART OF HULK’S HEART, DOES HULK NEED TRANSFORMERS BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY BY PUBLIC AT LARGE. IT WAS TERRIBLE CARTOON LITERALLY DESIGNED TO SELL TOYS. WE NOT NEED HAVE OPTIMUS PRIME RIP SOMEONE’S FACE APART TO JUSTIFY OUR CHILDHOOD INTERESTS AND HAVE FIT WITH MORE CURRENT + ADULT SENSIBILITIES OF TASTE, EVEN IF WE STILL HAVE MILD INTEREST/GENUINE AFFINITY IN CHILDHOOD PRODUCT. IT NOT ONLY BAD FOR OUR DEVELOPMENT, IT ACTUALLY DISLOYAL TO ESSENCE OF OUR 8 YEAR OLDS SELVES AND CERTAINLY DETRIMENTAL TO 8 YEAR OLDS OUT THERE NOW. OPTIMUS NOT NEED WASTE MOTHERFUCKERS. END HULK RANT.
1:00 – SO OPTIMUS IS NOW DEAD. #KARMA
1:03 – “NO MORE DISGUISES!” SAID MEGATRON, STANDING AT TOP OF GIANT SKYSCRAPER IN DAY TIME, AND WHO HAS DONE SO OFTEN
1:03 – AND THE PARENTS ARE BACK. BAY SHOULD JUST GONE FULL BALLS AND HAVE MOVIE FROM THEIR POINT VIEW.
1:03 – ACTUALLY THE MOM (THE GREAT ACTRESS JULIE WHITE) SEEM BE ONLY ONE KNOW WHAT MOVIE SHE IN.
1:04 – MAN, DECIPTONS HATE AMERICAN FLAGS!
1:04 – FOR RECORD, ESCARGOT DELCIOUS
1:05 – IT BEEN HAPPENING WHOLE MOVIE, BUT MICHAEL BAY JUST LOVE PUTTING POINTLESS MILTARY TERM INFO AND LOCATION IN BOTTOM LEFT OF SCREEN. IT LITERALLY CONVEY NOTHING IMPORTANT. YET IT CONSTANT.
1:05 – WAIT, IT THE GUISE OF PLOT ORGANIZATION!
1:06 – HULK HAVE NO UNDERSTANDING HOW THERE STILL HOUR + HALF LEFT OF MOVIE
1:07 – OBAMA WITHHELD TRUTH FROM YOU!!! OBAMA WITHHELD TRUTH FROM YOU!!!
1:07 – GET OBAMA TO A HIDDEN BUNKER! THAT PUSSY!
1:07 – MICHAEL BAY’S MILITARY HARD-ON AND ANTI-LIBERAL STUFF KINDA AMAZING. IT SO PRESENT YET ILL-DEFINED. HULK SO CURIOUS WHERE IT COME FROM. HE MILITARY FAMILY? HULK KNOW HE NEVER SERVED…
1:07 – HULK LAUGH. HULK DO LITTLE RESEARCH. OF COURSE BAY WENT TO CROSSROADS IN L.A. (HIPPY DIPPY NO GRADES TYPE SCHOOL) AND OF COURSE HE GO WESLEYAN (THE MOST HIPPY DIPPY COLLEGE IN COUNTRY). OF COURSE HE ADOPTED KID OF CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST. IT MAKE SO MUCH SENSE NOW. THIS NOT THE DECENT CONSERVATISM OF RATIONAL, GROUNDED AMERICAN BASED ON EXPERIENCE (AND ANY POLITICS IS FINE IS TO HULK IF BUILT ON DECENCY). BUT NO. THIS KNEE-JERK REACTION TO BEING SUBJECTED TO MOST LIBERAL AMERICAN ENVIRONMENTS POSSIBLE. THIS INNER DESIRE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUS + BADASS EVEN THOUGH BAY’S ENTIRE LIFE ABOUT AS NON-MILITARY FOCUSED OR NON-CONSERVATIVE AS IT GET. THIS IS I’M-A-TOUGH-GUY-PLAY-TIME.
1:07 – IT MAKE SO MUCH SENSE NOW.
1:08 – FOR THAT COMMENTARY HULK CURRENTLY BEING SUBJECTED TO FULL RAVAGE OF SKIDZ +MUDFLAP. THANKS KARMA.
1:10 – “NOW THAT THAT DECEPTIONS HAVE ATTACKED HUMANS LIKE YOU WARNED US, THE PRESIDENT IS DOING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE AGREED TO AND WHAT IS LOGICAL FOR NO APPARENT REASON” – OBAMA’S WHITE HOUSE GUY. AGAIN BAY POLITICS AT WORK.
1:10 – “DIPLOMATIC SOLUTION” MORE LIBERAL PUSSYTALK! HOORAY!
1:10 – FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY. HULK GOING TO SMASH YOUR ASS.
1:11 – WHY THERE AN AUSSIE GUY IN THE US ARMY?
1:12 – WHY MEGAN FOX’S LIPS ALWAYS CRAZY RED?
1:13 – SKIDZ OR MUDFLAP: “WE DON’T DO MUCH READING.” [FACEPALM]
1:14 – OH GOD JOHN TURTURRO YOU’RE RETURNED TO THIS? REMEMBER WHEN THE COEN BROS USE TO CAST YOU IN THEIR MOVIES?
1:16 – AT LEAST TURTURRO ALSO SEEM TO KNOW WHAT MOVIE HE IN
1:19 – WAIT, WHY TURTURRO IN A THONG? “I WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK”…
1:19 – TRANSFORMERS 2: WHATEVER THE FUCK
1:20 – HULK NEED ANOTHER DRINK
1:20 – … OH YEAH HULK STARTED DRINKING AROUND WHEN THAT GIRL TURN INTO ROBOT FOR SOME REASON
1:23 – HOW IS THE DC AIR + SPACE MUSEUM NOW NEXT TO GIANT AIRFIELD IN THE PLAINS? DID THAT JUST HAPPEN!?
1:24 – AND A ROBOT IS HUMPING MEGAN FOX’S LEG. THIS IS DEFINITELY HAPPENING. TIME TO DRINK!
1:24 – INCONTINENT OLD-TIMER TRANSFORMER NAMED JETFIRE JUST FARTED A PARACHUTES. IF THE MOVIE NOTHING BUT MOMENTS LIKE THIS IT COULD BE THE ROBOT VERSION OF HAUSU
1:26 – SO TRANSFORMERS CAN TELEPORT?! HULK PRETTY SURE THIS INFRINGE ON NIGHTCRAWLERS BAMPF! COPYRIGHT
1:27 – “LET’S NOT GET EPISODIC. FACTS. PLOT. TELL IT!” – JOHN TURTURRO… IN TRANSFORMERS 2
1: 27 – LET NO TAKE THIS LIGHTLY. THIS MOST INCREDIBLE LINE IN MOVIE. HULK THINK MICHAEL BAY JUST INCLUDED (RATHER ASTUTE) STUDIO NOTE RIGHT INTO SCRIPT AT THIS POINT. CAUSE HE CERTAINLY IGNORE FOR PREVIOUS HOUR + HALF. (AND CERTAINLY IGNORES AFTER THIS EXPLANATION SEQUECE)… JUST AMAZING THAT IT’S EVEN THERE.
1:27 – HULK MEAN SERIOUSLY! THIS MOVIE TAKE 1 HOUR 27 MINUTE TO GET TO THE FREAKIN’ MCGUFFIN!
1:28 – SO IF WE’RE MEANT TO ASSUME TRANSFORMERS GAVE US CULTURE LANGUAGE (W/ ANCIENT PYRAMID CONNECTION) AND THEY SPOKE ENGLISH, WHY THEY NO GIVE US ENGLISH? WHY EVERYONE SPEAK ANCIENT EGYPTIAN INSTEAD? #LINGUISTICPLOTHOLES
1:33 – HEY! IT’S KENNY POWER’S MIDGET COCK-FIGHTING PARTNER! HULK KNEW THERE REASON HULK WATCH THIS 1 YEAR LATER… OTHER THAN HAVING INFINITE NUMBER OF BETTER THINGS TO DO
1:40 – SET WHERE THEY FIND MATRIX KEY SEEM TO BE SAME EXACT SET FROM END OF “INDIANA JONES AND LAST CRUSADE”
1:40 – HULK HOPE THEY DON’T CHOOSE POORLY
1:41 – SKIDZ + MUDFLAP JUST FOUGHT EACH OTHER AND KNOCKED OUT A WALL SAVING THE DAY (ALL IN SAD ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY THEIR INCLUSION)
1:41 – WHY ARE THE TWINS IN THIS ENTIRE MOVIE? HULK WOULD HAVE HAD “ENTIRE MOVIE” IN CAPS, BUT HULK ALREADY YELL IN CAPS. SO HULK JUST EXPLAIN IT NOW.
1:41 – BUT SERIOUSLY, THIS IS JAR-JAR-EPISODE-1-LEVEL OF ANNOYING PRESENCE. IT SOMEHOW EVEN MORE RACIST.
1:42 – WHERE SHIA GET A FLASHLIGHT?
1:44 – WAIT, IT EXPLAINED THAT THE MATRIX THE KEY TO ENERGON PYRAMID THINGY, WHICH HAVE POWER GIVE LIFE, NOT THE MATRIX HAVING POWER ITSELF. SO WHY MATRIX NOW THE MAGIC PIXIE HEALING DUST? THEY JUST REVERSED WHAT EXPLAINED CAREFULLY BEFORE TO MAKE THE ACTION SCENE MAKE “SENSE”… UGH
1:46 – HULK THOUGHT THE ROOMMATE JUST TASED 1 SECOND AGO. WHY HE NOW UP?
1:49 – OH WAIT, THE MAIN MILITARY COMMANDER = LANDRY’S DAD FROM FNL! SWEET! GLENN MORSHOWER THE-CHARACTER-ACTIN’-MAN!
1:50 – SO, “NOW” THEY’RE BEGINNING THE ASSAULT? WHAT HAPPEN LAST 6 MINUTES?
1:51 – MICHAEL BAY YET TO MAKE MOVIE WITHOUT SOME 3RD ACT “GREEN SMOKE” RELEASE INITIATIVE
1:58 – OKAY FOR SERIOUS: HULK JUST NOTIFIED THAT HULK’S BEST FRIENDS JUST GOT ENGAGED. THIS CAUSE HULK REALIZE JOY OF WHAT THEY DID = THE EXACT OPPOSITE END OF HAPPINESS SPECTRUM FROM HULK DOING THIS TRANSFORMERS 2 RUNNING DIARY ALL BY HULK SELF.
1:58 – HULK GETTING ANOTHER DRINK.
1:58 – AND THE PARENTS NOW BACK (IN EGYPT SOMEHOW) THEY WON’T GO AWAY. THEY THE JAY LENO OF THIS MOVIE.
1:58 – HULK MAKING A DOUBLE.
1:58 – IS IT HULK OR IS SAM’S MOM STARTING LOOK PRETTY GOOD?
2:00 – AT TWO HOUR MARK, HULK REMEMBER BEING AT LEAST WOWED BY FEW MOMENTS OF FIGHTING IN TRANSFORMERS 1… THIS JUST TEDIOUS + NONSENSICAL. THERE NO IMPACT. IT PURELY DISTANT MACHINATIONS OCCURRING ON SCREEN.
2:00 – WHY EVERY TRANSFORMER KILL HAPPENING IN SLOW-MOTION. IT LIKE BAD VIDEO GAME.
2:00 – YEAH, FINE. GTA = AWESOME. BUT THIS MOVIE = NOT.
2:05 – GOD THIS FIGHT SCENE IS GOING ON FOR FUCKING EVER
2:08 – WHERE THE HELL MEGATRON BEEN THIS ENTIRE BATTLE?
2:08 – DID AN ANCIENT TRANSFORMER JUST SAY BRING THE PAIN? OF COURSE HE DID
2:09 – CONSTRUCTICON HAS WRECKING BALLS FOR ANATOMICALLY CORRECT SCROTUM…
2:09 – LET TAKE MOMENT SILENCE TO ACKNOLWLEDGE EVERYTHING WEIRD + PERVERSE ABOUT MICHAEL BAY
2:09 – … OK. DONE.
2:10 – ANYONE WHO LIKES THIS MOVIE MUST HATE EDITING
2:10 – ACTION SEQUENCES SHOULD HAVE RHYTHM AND CHARACTER INTEREST. THIS HAS THE RHYTHM OF LONG, SPUTTERING WET FART.
2:11 – OH HEY IT’S ACTAULLY MEGATRON SHOWING UP! (HULK THINK IT HIM AT LEAST. EVERY ROBOT LOOK SAME)
2:11 – OH HEY MEGATRON DO SOMETHING USEFUL AND KILL SAM! SEE WHAT HAPPEN IF ACTUALLY SHOW UP! GOOD THINGS!
2:12 – HULK THOUGHT BUMBLEE SUPPOSED TO GET PARENTS FAR AWAY?… NOT, LIKE, 100 FEET. NICE JOB BUMBLEBEE… ASS.
2:13 – WAIT… IS… IS THIS HAPPENING?
2:13 – HOLY SHIT IS SAM IN TRANSFORMER HEAVEN? REALLY THIS IS HAPPENING?!?!
2:13 -THE THEOLOGICAL IMPLICATIONS OF TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ARE BAFFLING:
2:13 – 1. DO HUMANS AND TRANSFORMERS GO TO HEAVEN TOGETHER? HULK IMAGINE THEY SEPARATE…
2:13 – 2. IS TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ABOVE CYBERTRON OR EARTH OR A GO BETWEEN?
2:13 – 3. IS SHIA SECRETLY A TRANSFORMER? THEY CAN BE SKINNY WOMEN APPARENTLY.
2:13 – 4. CAN GAY TRANSFORMERS GET INTO ROBOT HEAVEN?
2:13 – 5. IF NOT, THEN IT COULD BE BAD FOR THE ICE SKATING TRANSFORMER
2:13 – 6. HULK LOOKED UP ICE SKATING TRANSFORMER AND IT APPARENTLY NAMED “SIDE-SWIPE”… COULD GO EITHER WAY
2:13 – 7. HULK SURPRISED MICHAEL BAY NOT NAME HIM “LANCE” AND HAVE HIM TRANSFORM INTO CONDOM MACHINE IN WEHO
2:13 – 8. (IN CASE NOT OBVIOUS: HULK MAKING POINT ABOUT MICHAEL BAY’S WRETCHED SENSE OF HUMOR, NOT HULK’S OWN)
2:13 – 9. WAIT, WAS JAZZ IN THAT SEQUENCE IN TRANSFORMER HEAVEN? HULK NO THINK SO.
2:13 – 10. MAYBE TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ONLY FOR “PRIMES” AND THIS SOME SORT HORRIBLE RACE THING.
2:13 – 11. HULK TOLD YOU. IMPLICATIONS = STAGGERING.
2:14 – SO THE DUST TURN INTO THE MATRIX DAGGER THING AGAIN? WHERES THE 30 SECOND MONOLOGUE NONSENSICALLY EXPLAINING HOW?
2:15 – WAIT, JETFIRE STILL ALIVE?
2:15 – LET TAKE MOMENT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT OPTIMUS PRIME = REMOVED FOR 1 HOUR 15 MINUTES OF THE RUNNING TIME OF THIS MOVIE
2:15 – THE FALLEN CAN TELEPORT TOO? WHY TRANSFORMERS NO TELEPORTING ALL THE FREAKING TIME? WHY TURN INTO MACK TRUCK AND DRIVE 4 HOURS FROM VEGAS IN TRAFFIC?
2:16 – THE FALLEN IS APPARENTLY ALSO MAGNETO (MARVEL INFRINGEMENT = HULK- A-SMASHIN’)
2:18 – WHY EVERY TRANSFORMER RELATED TO OPTIMUS? HE HAVE LIKE 13 BROTHERS. MR + MRS. PRIME MUST BE BOSTON IRISH CATHOLIC. #THANKSHULKBEHEREALLWEEK
2:18 – OPTIMUS: “GIVE ME YOUR FACE” #UNINTENTIONALPORNLINE
2:18 – “I RISE! YOU FALL!” #MOREUNINTENTIONALPORNLINES
2:19 – SERIOUSLY?! THE BATTLE FINALLY OVER? THAT WAS 40 MINUTES PURE BOREDOM. AND HULK LOVE ACTION SCENES! THERE NO PACING! NO RHYTHM! NOTHING!
2:19 – THAT BATTLE SEQUENCE SO BAD HULK MOTIVATED MAKE LIST OF THINGS HULK COULD DONE W/ MONEY USED TO MAKE THAT SCENE:
2:19 – 1. FUND 1/3 OF L.A.’S PUBLIC SCHOOLS
2:19 – 2. BUY 15 OF M.C. HAMMER’S MANSIONS
2:19 – 3. DOWNLOAD THE ENTIRE ITUNES CATALOGUE
2:19 – 4. COMMISSION CREATION GOLD STATUE OF HULK AND PUT IN FRONT YARD
2:19 – 5. FINALLY GET ADMITTED TO THAT SNOTTY GENTLEMEN CLUB WITH REED RICHARDS + PROFESSOR X… SO SNOTTY… #GODHULKNEEDACCEPTANCE
2:19 – 6. MAKE APPROXIMATELY 48 FILMS EQUAL TO BUDGET OF THE AWESOME “WINTER’S BONE”
2:20 – PEOPLE HUGGING. THEY HAPPY THE BATTLE IS OVER TOO. BECAUSE THEY ALMOST DIED FROM REPETITION.
2:20 – HULK KIND OF CURIOUS HOW THEY GOING WRITE OUT MEGAN FOX IN NEXT ONE… AND BY KINDA CURIOUS HULK MEAN NOT AT ALL.
2:21 – HULK HEAR LINKIN PARK ON SOUNDTRACK!?!? IT ALMOST OVER?!?! REALLY!??!
2:21 – YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:22 – HULK LOVE HOW ALL THE LAST ACT WRAP UP ONE FIND IN NORMAL MOVIES JUST SQUEEZED INTO CREDIT SNIPPETS
2:22 – IT PROOF MICHAEL BAY JUST NOT GIVE A SHIT. THERE NOTHING LEFT TO EXPLODE.
ENDING THOUGHTS:
-WHAT A SHIT-PILE. EVERY SINGLE THING THAT WRONG WITH FIRST ONE = EXACERBATED… AND EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT FIRST ONE = REMOVED ENTIRELY
-HOW DID SPIELBERG PUT HIS NAME ON THIS?
-“SKIDZ + MUDFLAP: FROM THE DIRECTOR OF AMISTAD!”
-TO BE FAIR, HULK REMEMBER CONVERSATION WITH THE FALCON ABOUT SKIDZ + MUDFLAP AND FALCON ARGUE THAT MOST AFRICAN-AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE ABILITY TO SHRUG IT OFF AS “DUMB GANSTER STEREOTYPE” AND NOT TAKE AS PERSONAL INDICTMENT OF BLACK CULTURE AT LARGE… NOT BLACK PANTHER THOUGH. NO, THAT MAN WAS LIVID.
-HULK SWORE HULK NEVER SEE TRANSFORMERS 2. IN MOMENT OF WEAKNESS, (DIDN’T WANT TO GO OUT SEE ANOTHER MOVIE), LONLINESS (BETTY VISITING FAMILY), + DEPRESSION (THE LEADER ESCAPE AGAIN) HULK END UP DO IT… WHY? WHY!?!
-IN SOME WAYS PROCESS OF WRITING THIS = PRETTY CATHARTIC.
-BUT IN BETTER, MORE ACCURATE WAYS, HULK HAS WASTED HOURS OF HULKS LIFE.
-THE MOST USED WORD ON THIS BLOG POST = “WHY”… HULK LAUGH
