THIS MAY SOUND ODD, BUT CHARLIE SHEEN NOT NEARLY AS INSANE AS YOU THINK.
REALLY?
YOU SAY “BUT HULK! HE TALKING RAVING NONSENSE! HE PISS AWAY MILLIONS OF FUTURE EARNINGS! HE HAVING COCAINE BINGE WITH PORNSTARS! HOW HE NOT INSANE HULK!?!?”
YES, THIS ALL TRUE. BUT WHAT YOU SAY IF HULK SUGGESTED THAT LOT OF SHEEN’S BEHAVIOR LARGELY CALCULATED? NOT THE ACTUAL WORDS OF RAVINGS, OR SPECIFICS OF PARTYING. NO, THIS NOT A WRITTEN PLOT. THIS NOT AN ELABORATE RUSE. THIS STUFF REALLY WHAT CHARLIE SHEEN WANT BE DOING AND THIS COMING FROM REAL PLACE.
HULK JUST THINK HE MAKING VERY SPECIFIC DECISION TO COME OUT WITH THIS INNER RIDICULOUSNESS (WHICH ALWAYS BE THERE) AND BE LIVING VERSION OF RON BURGUNDY.
WHAT HULK SAYING = THIS NOT A OUT-OF-CONTROL “MELTDOWN” BUT VERY CONTROLLED/FUN COMING OUT PARTY OF GUY WHO, WELL, JUST WANT TO QUIT WORK AND PARTY.
WHY WOULD SHEEN HAVE SOMETHING TO PARTY ABOUT ALL OF SUDDEN? WELL, IF YOU CONSIDER SHEEN’S HISTORY, HE JUST PULL OFF BIGGER HEIST THAT THE ONE IN OCEAN’S 11.
HULK CAN PROVE IT.
GO AND WATCH THE WORK IN CHARLIE SHEEN’S CAREER. WATCH WALL STREET AND PLATOON. SHEEN SHOW HE A YOUNG KID WITH BROODING INTENSITY. TRUE THERE THERE NOT LOT RANGE THERE, BUT IT PLAYED STRAIGHT AND IT PLAYED WELL. THEN WATCH THE “HOT SHOTS” MOVIES, WHERE PLAY THE SAME STRAIGHT-FACED MODE BUT IN CONTEXT IT CAME OFF FOR GREAT LAUGHS. IT CALLED BEING DEAD-PAN AND SHEEN GOT IT. GO WATCH HIS GREAT DRUGGED OUT SCENE IN “FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF” AND IT WORK EVEN BETTER. WATCH THE FIRST TWO MAJOR LEAGUES. WATCH “EIGHT MEN OUT.” WATCH HIS GREAT SCENE IN “BEING JOHN MALKOVICH.” ALL WATCHED UP?
YOU NO HAVE WATCH THIS THOUGH
YOUR FIRST REACTION, “WOW CHARLIE SHEEN BEEN IN LOTS OF GOOD OR DECENT MOVIES.”
YOUR SECOND REACTION, “WOW CHARLIE SHEEN ACTUALLY PRETTY KINDA GOOD IN LOTS OF THOSE MOVIES.”
YOUR THIRD REACTION “NO MATTER WHAT CONTEXT, CHARLIE SHEEN GIVING SAME DELIVERY/PERFORMANCE EVERY TIME.”
HULK ARGUE THAT WIDE-EYED STRAIGHT FORWARD SERIOUSNESS = CHARLIE SHEEN’S ONLY ACTING MODE. THIS NOT MEANT BE INSULT. AT ALL. LOTS OF ACTORS HAVE ONE “MODE.” HECK. HULK KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT TO EVEN HAVE ONE “MODE.” WHAT HULK SAY = SHEEN’S CHARACTER IN WALL STREET THE EXACT SAME CHARACTER FOR HOT SHOTS. AND THE SAME MODE AS PLATOON. HE DONE IT HIS WHOLE CAREER AND IT REASONABLY EFFECTIVE IN BOTH DRAMA/COMEDY.
NOW WATCH SHEEN IN “TWO AND A HALF MEN.”
NOTICE ANYTHING? YUP… NOT ONLY WHAT HE DOING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM HIS “ACTING MODE,” BUT IT NOT REALLY ACTING AT ALL. THERE NO DELIVERY. THERE NO INFLECTION. IT LAZIER THAN LAZY. HE JUST SMIRKING THE ENTIRE WAY THROUGH.
SERIOUSLY. HE DO IT IN NEARLY EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF SHOW. AUDIENCE NEVER GET ONE OF THOSE GREAT STRAIGHT-FACED, WAY-SERIOUS LINE DELIVERIES THAT GIVE HIM COMEDY CAREER. YOU MAY SAY “HULK, BUT THAT NOT APPROPRIATE FOR SHOW!” HULK DISAGREE. EVERY TIME HULK CATCH SNIPPET OF SHOW, THE “USUAL SHEEN DELIVERY” OF OVERT SERIOUSNESS WOULD IMPROVE COMEDY OF GIVEN LINE TEN FOLD.
NOPE. CHARLIE SHEEN ONLY HAVE THE “MONA LISA SMILE” THE WHOLE TIME.
IT KINDA LIKE THIS... YEAH HE NOT UP TO SOMETHING
THAT CAUSE UP TIL NOW, HE ONLY ONE IN ON JOKE.
AND IT A PRETTY GOOD JOKE: CHARLIE SHEEN HAS EARNED OVER 150 MILLION FROM “TWO AND A HALF MEN” AND HAS NEVER TRIED FOR ONE SECOND.
THINK ABOUT IT. IMAGINE SHOWING UP A FEW DAYS A WEEK. NOT TRYING. DOING YOUR ABSOLUTE WORST JOB. REAPING BENEFITS OF SUCCESS. AND EARNING 150 MILLION FOR YOUR WORST EFFORT. IT AMAZING THIS CHARADE LAST AS LONG AS DID.
AND HONESTLY, SHEEN PRESUMABLY TAKE JOB BECAUSE OF MONEY IN FIRST PLACE. WITH SITCOM, NEVER KNOW IF IT BE SUCCESS, BUT IF IT HIT, THEN THE SKY THE LIMIT. IT FAIR TO SAY SHEEN NEVER REALLY BELIEVE OR TAKE PRIDE IN SHOW (THAT DEFINITELY CLEAR NOW). HE JUST KEEP SHOWING UP AND NOT BELIEVE HIS DUMB LUCK.
HULK NOT TRYING CRITICIZE AUDIENCE OF TWO AND HALF MEN. NOT AT ALL. THE SHOW FIGURE OUT HOW MIX LOT OF DIFFERENT AUDIENCES AND THAT BE COMMENDED IN SOME WAY. IT JUST NOT HULK’S CUP OF TEA AND THAT FINE. BUT HULK DEFINITELY FEEL COMFORTABLE SAY THAT SHEEN HIMSELF COAST BY ON MEDIOCRITY. AT LEAST JON CRYER, MELANIE LYNSKEY, AND OTHER ACTORS SEEM BE TRYING AND THAT SEEM BE BACKBONE OF SHOW. EVEN IN “SPIN CITY” HE SEEMED HAVE MORE INTERE3ST.
BUT FOR THIS SHOW? SHEEN JUST SIT THERE. BARELY INFLECTING. SMIRKING WHOLE TIME.
AND SO CHARLIE SHEEN BEEN CASHING CHECKS FOR 8 YEARS WAITING TIL THE GIG FINALLY FLAME OUT. OR UNTIL HE HAVE TRUE “F-U MONEY” AS CHUCK KLOSTERMAN PUT IT. AND THEN?
CHARLIE CAN DO ANYTHING HE WANT NOW.
AND HE SEEM TO BE ENJOYING THAT “ANYTHING”
THE SPECIFICS OF STUFF HE DOING SEEM BE BIG TOPIC OF DISCUSSION. AFTER ALL, A LOT OF IT PRETTY ENTERTAINING. IT CERTAINLY RATHER QUOTABLE. AND LOTS OF OTHER OUTLETS BEEN WRITING ABOUT HIS POSSIBLE PSYCHOLOGY AT MOMENT AND DOING MUCH BETTER JOB THAN HULK COULD. REALLY, HULK JUST WANTED CONTRIBUTE TWO THOUGHTS TO CONVERSATION. 1) IT NOT A MELTDOWN. AND 2) NO ONE SEEMING TO TALK ABOUT THE CELEBRATION OF HIS “WIN.” SERIOUSLY, WHY ELSE WOULD SHEEN BE BURNING BRIDGES LIKE IT HIS JOB. ESPECIALLY AS SHEEN’S RECENT BEHAVIOR TOTALLY LIKE THAT OF A “GETAWAY.” (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THIS)
SO SHEEN HAVING CRAZY IRRESPONSIBLE FUN. HE MESSING WITH US. HE TALKING NONSENSE. HE PARTYING. YOU THINK OTHER HOLLYWOOD STARS NOT PARTY LIKE THAT? YOU BE SURPRISED. WAY MORE DO THAN JUST IN TABLOIDS. (THO BE FAIR, THE OTHER HALF LEAVE SURPRISINGLY NORMAL LIVES).
BECAUSE THING IS CHARLIE SHEEN BEEN PARTYING LIKE THIS SINCE HE, WHAT, 16? AND IN THAT TIME IT RARELY AFFECT HIS “WORK.” HE JUST HAVE A PROJECT WHERE HE INTERESTED AND TRYING… OR HE HAVE PROJECT HE NOT CARING ABOUT.
THAT IT.
THIS NOT A MELTDOWN.
IT THE AMUSING AFTERMATH OF A GUY WHO PULL A 150 MILLION DOLLAR HEIST.
YUP
*FINAL NOTE: HULK NOT ENDORSING ALL THINGS SHEEN. NOT BY LONG SHOT. E.G. HULK DEFINITELY NOT ON BOARD WITH THE 9/11 TRUTHER NONSENSE. AND THERE BEEN LOTS OF RUMBLINGS OF OTHER SORDID THINGS, BUT THAT STUFF NOT EXACTLY PART OF CURRENT CONVERSATION (AT LEAST NOT HULK’S NARRATIVE OF SITUATION)… SO… YEAH
LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK. HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.
THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.
BOND ENTRY #2. “FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE” (1963)
THE SECOND ENTRY IN BOND SERIES DEFINITELY IN HULK’S RUNNING FOR “BEST BOND EVER.” BUT IN ORDER QUALIFY THAT, HULK FIRST DISCUSS “WHAT MAKE A GOOD BOND FILM?”
TO SOME, THEY JUST WANT GOOD MOVIE. ONE THAT OBSCURE THE NONSENSICAL ELEMENTS OF BOND SERIES IN ORDER GRAVITATE TOWARD THINGS LIKE “STORY” AND “EMOTION.” FOR OTHERS, THEY WANT AS MANY BOND CONVENTIONS TO BE LOADED INTO 2 HOURS AS POSSIBLE. HULK ARGUE THIS SORT OF “ANTI-MOVIE-MAKING” BUT HULK UNDERSTAND IT TOO. BECAUSE THERE THINGS THAT MAKE JAMES BOND UNIQUELY JAMES BOND. AND EVERY COUPLE YEARS PEOPLE WANT GET THEIR FILL. HULK TOTALLY GET IT, BUT IT ALSO CAN GET A BIT PAVLOVIAN AT TIMES (CHECK OUT THE ABSURDLY FRIGHTENING “CRAIG NOT BOND” CAMPAIGN FROM FEW YEARS BACK THAT PREDICATED PURELY ON FACT DANIEL CRAIG HAVE BLONDE HAIR. IT BEYOND FUCKING INSANE.)
B-B-BUT HE BLONDE! AND HIS TIE UNTIED! UNSPEAKABLE!
HULK LEAN A LITTLE HEAVY ON THE “STORY” DIRECTION (HULK MEAN, ARE THESE MOVIES OR ARE THESE MOVIES?) BUT REALLY HULK DEEPLY APPRECIATE THE SUCCESSFUL BLENDING OF THE TWO. WHAT MAKE THE EARLY CONNERY RUN SO EXCITING THAT THEY MAKING THE RULES OF SERIES RIGHT THEN/THERE. IT GENUINELY FUN SEE HOW THE SHADOW S.P.E.C.T.E.R. EXTEND FURTHER AND FURTHER INTO WORLD INFLUENCE. AND THE INCREASING GRANDEUR OF EVIL LAIRS = GENUINELY THRILLING TO AUDIENCE (IT NEAT FOR MODERN AUDIENCE SEE ACTUAL THINGS CALLED “SETS”). SO HULK LOVE IT WHEN LATER FILMS MANAGE TO CAPTURE SAME SENSE OF AWE, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HOW DIFFICULT DO SINCE AUDIENCE KNOW IT COMING.
MOVING ON: HULK ACTUALLY HAVE THEORY THAT EVERY BOND FILM MERELY A RESPONSE TO THE RESPONSE OF THE ONE BEFORE IT. NOT ENOUGH GADGETS? THE NEXT ONE HAVE CRAZY GADGETS EVERYWHERE. TOO MANY GADGETS EVERYWHERE? THE NEXT ONE GO EASY ON GADGETS… AND SO ON. FOR EXAMPLE PEOPLE LIKE THE GRITTY, REALISTIC MANNER OF CASINO ROYALE, BUT WANTED MORE ACTION SCENE, SO QUANTUM OF SOLACE GO EVEN FURTHER WITH GRITTY AND ALSO CRAM IT CHOCK FULL OF ACTION SCENE. OF COURSE PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS SO NEXT ONE WILL GO MORE WITH INTRIGUE/SUAVENESS.
AND THIS “REACTION TO LAST ONE” EVEN QUALIFY FOR “FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE.”
THE FIRST FILM “DR. NO” COME OUT AND IT MASSIVE HIT. PEOPLE LOVE THE GAGDET STUFF SO THIS TIME BOND GET REALLY NEAT BRIEFCASE FULL OF THEM. LIKEWISE, SOME PEOPLE FELT DR. NO NOT SERIOUS ENOUGH SPY MOVIE SO “RUSSIA” OBSCURE SOME OF THE CAMP OF FIRST ONE AND FAVOR A MORE CONCENTRATED AND CLASSIC ESPIONAGE/LOVE STORY. IN FACT, THE FILM HAS HITCHCOCK INFLUENCE ALL OVER IT: THE HELICOPTER CHASE RIGHT OUT OF “NORTH BY NORTHWEST”. THE SNIPER SCENE SHOT COMPLETELY IN HITCHCOCKIAN STYLE. THEN THERE WHOLE WONDERFULLY QUIET/TENSE “STRANGERS ON A TRAIN” FINALE.
SOME PEOPLE THINK “FROM RUSSIA” A LITTLE TOO BORING AND NOT “BOND ENOUGH,” BUT HULK THINK THE WHOLE MOVIE WORK GREAT AS PERFECT BLENDING OF PURE BOND ENTRY AND INDEPENDENT PIECE OF CINEMA. IT DEFINITELY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITES.
BEST MOMENT: SURPRISINGLY EFFECTIVE CLOSE-QUARTER FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY IN THE TRAIN / ROSA KLEBB IN THE MAID OUTFIT (TIE)
GENIUS
YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?:
1) DANIELA BIANCHI AS TATIANA RAMANOVA – ARCHETYPE: THE RIVAL AGENT SET UP BE VILLAINESS (THOUGH IN THIS VARIATION SHE SORT OF UNWITTING ONE) BUT SHE ACTUALLY FALL FOR HIM. SHE CONTINUE THE BOND GIRL TRADITION OF VACUOUSNESS (WHICH ALL MORE WEIRD CONSIDERING SHE A QUALIFIED RUSSIAN AGENT?)… BUT HERE THING. DESPITE ALL THIS NONSENSE, TATIANA RAMANOVA STILL FEEL LIKE REAL PERSON. HULK KNOW, HULK KNOW. THAT SEEM LIKE WEIRD STATEMENT, BUT FILM JUST SPEND SO MUCH TIME WITH HER (WAY MORE THAN ANY OTHER BOND GIRL) THAT EVEN IF SHE BIT NAIVE, HER LOOK AND CHARACTER JUST MUCH MORE OF A “ADULT WOMAN” IN COMPARISON TO THE PARADE OF INFANTILE GIRLS BOND FILM USUALLY SHOVE OUT THERE. BIANCHI’S RAMANOVA MUCH MORE OF A HITCHCOCKIAN FEMALE LEAD (COMPLETE WITH THEIR OWN PROBLEMS OF SEXISM) RATHER THAN THE COMPLETE FEMALE IDIOT AUDIENCE WILL GROW USE TO. AND PERHAPS THAT WHY SHE ONE OF HULK’S FAVES.
THIS MAY BE ANOTHER REASON
2 + 3) MARTINE BESWICK AND ALIZA GUR – BOTH PLAY TWO GYPSIES IN WHAT ALSO HAPPEN TO BE OUR:
MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: TWO GYPSY WOMEN MADE TO FIGHT TO DEATH FOR RIGHT TO JAMES BOND’S DONG… OF COURSE THEY BOTH WIN.
WHY MURDER WHEN CAN SHARE?
SUPPORTING CAST – DR. NO HINTED AT END OF FIRST FILM THAT HE JUST PART OF LARGER ORGANIZATION S.P.E.C.T.E.R. HERE WE SEE MORE OF SHADOWY WEALTHY GROUP. AND 1) THE MAIN “VILLAIN” IN THIS ONE SIMPLY AN ARYAN BLONDE HITMAN NAMED “DONALD GRANT” WHO SENT TO KILL HIM. HE SPEND MOST OF MOVIE LOOKING MENACING AND TRACKING BOND ACROSS EUROPE (WHILE USING RAMANOVA AS PAWN) BUT RARELY SPEAKING. WHICH MEAN HE SIMPLY NEED HAVE GREAT LOOK/NATURAL PRESENCE. SO WHO BETTER THAN ROBERT SHAW! THAT RIGHT! QUINT FROM JAWS! ANYWHO, HE MOSTLY SET UP AS SILENT BAD ASS. THEN IN FINALE HE SURPRISE AUDIENCE WITH COVERT WITH BRITISH ACCENT IN GREAT TETE-A-TETE SCENE WITH BOND. THE BUILD UP SO GOOD THAT “ARYAN BLONDE ASSASSIN” ACTUALLY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE BOND VILLAINS.
ACTUALLY, HE LOOK LOT LIKE DANIEL CRAIG... WEIRD
2) PEDRO ARMENDARIZ AS ALI KERIM BEY – YET ANOTHER OF THE MINORITY SUPPORTING CHARACTERS WHO SHOW UP AND DIE IN SERVICE OF JAMES BOND. THIS ONE MADE ALL THE BETTER BY HAVING A FAMOUS MEXICAN CHARACTER ACTOR PLAY TURKISH GUY (THE 60S CAN GET AWAY W/ THAT STUFF… THEN AGAIN, HOLLYWOOD STILL GET AWAY WITH PAN-ASIAN CASTING LIKE NOBODY BUSINESS). TO BE FAIR, PEDRO PRETTY GOOD IN FILM. MEANING HE SORTA LIKABLE AND HE NOT TOTALLY EMBARRASSING. IT THE LITTLE THINGS… HIS STORY A SAD ONE AS HE FIND OUT HE HAVE TERMINAL CANCER WHILE FILMING AND DIE SHORTLY AFTER COMPLETION.
3) DESMOND LLEWELYN MAKE FIRST APPEARANCE AS Q! OK, HE JUST “BOOTHROYD” AT THIS POINT AND NOT IN FULL Q GLORY YET, BUT WE GET SEE FIRST BITS OF HIS SHTICK. HULK SAVE HIS “Q” TAKE FOR LATER.
4) LOTTE LENYA AS ROSA KLEBB – TOO FANTASTIC TO DESCRIBE. HER MINCING ALPHA LESBIANISM AND PATENT ABSURDITY EVEN BETTER THAN HER AUSTIN POWERS DOPPELGANGER.
DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: 5 HULK SMASHES OUT OF5!
BETTY’S TAKE: “I still can’t get over his thighs ”
LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK. HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.
THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.
PART ONE: THE FIRST CONNERY RUN
TO MANY, SEAN CONNERY = JAMES BOND. HULK UNDERSTAND THIS. HE NOT ONLY DEFINE ROLE BUT THERE SOMETHING SO EFFORTLESS ABOUT WAY HE DO IT… THOUGH HULK ADMIT IT PROBABLY THIS SAME EFFORTLESSNESS THAT USHER IN HIS “GOING THROUGH MOTIONS” OF LATER FILMS, BUT IN WAY THAT PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE.
CONNERY’S BOND WAS UNAPOLOGETIC-ALLY MALE. STRONG. PURELY CONFIDENT. SURLY. TOTALLY SEXIST… OKAY SO BOND A DEEPLY FLAWED AND ARCHAIC MALE, BUT HULK ARGUE THERE DICHOTOMY THERE. HULK’S POINT NOT HELPED BY FACT THOSE FLAWS NOT REALLY GIVEN CREEDENCE WHATSOEVER… IN FACT A LOT OF THE MOVIES CELEBRATE THESE NEGATIVE TRAITS (AND EVEN CREEPILY GOING OUT OF WAY TO JUSTIFY THEM AS BEING “THE WAY IT SHOULD BE” … MORE ON THIS LATER). TRULY, FEMINIST HULK WOULD HAVE FIELD DAY WITH BOND MOVIES AND JUSTLY SO.
SO PART OF WATCHING BOND MOVIES ABOUT WATCHING THROUGH THAT SUBTEXT. THERE PART OF HULK’S BRAIN THAT GO “HOW RIDICULOUS THAT!” AND JUST SHRUG OFF. AND OFTEN THE SEXIST STUFF SO SERIOUSLY OVER THE TOP WHEN COMPARED TO TODAY, IT JUST SO EASY TO SHRUG OFF AS BEING STUPID. THERE NO WAY TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
WHAT HELP = THE ENTERTAINING PARTS TRULY ENTERTAINING. IN OFFERING WORST OF SLICK HOLLYWOOD ENTERTAINMENT THEY ALSO OFFER THE BEST. THE FILMMAKING USUALLY TOP NOTCH AND TRENDSETTING. THEY ALWAYS BEEN BIG AND BOMBASTIC. THE LOCATIONS ALWAYS WHOLLY SEDUCTIVE. THE ACTORS ALWAYS CARTOONISHLY DRIPPING WITH SEXUALITY. HULK ADMIT WATCHING BOND MOVIES WHOLLY “PORNOGRAPHIC” AND HULK NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT THE SULTRY, NAKED SILHOUETTE OPENINGS AND MORE IN TERMS OF “LIFESTYLE PORN”… IT MALES IN TOTAL CONTROL. *
BOND HIMSELF THE PORNOGRAPHIC VEHICLE, AND NOT JUST FOR HIS WIENER. WHAT BOND REPRESENT ABOUT BEING THE WORST OF MEN, HE ALSO THE BEST OF MEN: IMPOSSIBLY STRONG. HE FAR FROM A BLUNT BRUTE, HE INTELLIGENT. HE DEXTEROUS. HE DEBONAIR. HE CULTURED.
BUT BETTER YET, HE ALWAYS HIMSELF.
AND THAT WHY JAMES BOND ALWAYS REFRAIN FROM COVERT ESPIONAGE. THAT WHY HE RARELY HIDE IN DISGUISE. HE ONLY BOND, JAMES BOND… BECAUSE NOT ONLY THERE NO ONE BETTER, BUT THERE NO ONE ELSE WE WILL ACCEPT.
SO NOW THEN:
1. DR. NO (1962)
THE GREAT THING ABOUT DR. NO THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH THE NEXT 50 YEARS INFLUENCE THE FRANCHISE, THE FILM STILL COME OFF AS FRESH AND ORGANIC. EVEN THOUGH THERE SO MANY MOMENTS THAT BECOME “CLICHED” LATER, THEY STILL FEEL LIKE LARGELY NEW IDEAS AND THAT AMAZING TO HULK. BETTER YET, HULK COULD NO BELIEVE HOW FULLY FORMED THE BOND FRANCHISE FEEL FROM BEGINNING. SO MANY BOND CONVENTIONS ALREADY IN PLACE, LIKE HOW HULK FORGOT DR. NO PART OF SPECTER. AND THE DEMURE NATURE OF DR. NO HIMSELF SORTA THE BEST PART. THEY SET UP A FEW HOURS OF BRAWLING THUGGERY AND THE SUDDEN GRACIOUSNESS/HOSPITALITY WHICH OFFERED TO BOND FEEL SO UNEXPECTED AND INTERESTING IN THE MOVIE. IN CONTEXT IT ACTUALLY REFRESHING TO SEE THIS BEAUTIFUL ISLAND LAIR. RARELY WAS SERIES ABLE TO CAPTURE THE SAME AND SUDDEN SENSE OF AWE (ODDLY ENOUGH, IT MOONRAKER THAT CAME CLOSEST AND THAT ONE KINDA SUCK). EVENTUALLY ALL THIS STUFF BECOME SO ROTE IN SERIES (LIKE FILMMAKERS JUST GOING THROUGH THEIR “BOND MOVIE CHECKLIST”, BUT IN “DR. NO” IT WORK SO WELL HULK SEE WHY BECOME CLICHE.
BEST MOMENT: FROM THE GREAT “THREE BLIND MICE” OPENING THAT STILL FEEL SO UNIQUE TO THIS VERY DAY. THERE BEEN MANY SIMILAR ATTEMPTS BUT ALL COME ACROSS AS HOKEY, OR, HEAVENS-TO-BETSY, RACIST.
JUST WAIT TIL YOU GUYS SEE "LIVE AND LET DIE"
YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?:
1) URSALA ANDRESS AS HONEY RIDER. LET JUST BE HONEST, URSALA SET THE STANDARD. HONESTLY, HULK JUST ADORE THAT THEY TRY AND MAKE THIS MORE PALATABLE BY GIVE HER REAL NAME OF “HONEYCHILE” (THIS BEFORE THEY GIVE UP AND BASICALLY GO WITH “FEMALE ANATOMY MCSEXALOT” ). MORE INTERESTING THO IS THAT SHE ONE OF THE BETTER BOND GIRL PROTOTYPES. HONEY = THE GOOD GIRL WHO GET UNWITTINGLY INVOLVED IN BOND ADVENTURE, BUT STILL HAVE PERSONAL TRAGEDY AS RESULT OF MAIN VILLAIN. THESE OFTEN THE LEAST OFFENSIVE BOND GIRLS AND THEY USUALLY SHOW SOMETHING KIND AND BENEVOLENT, DESPITE APPROACHING A KIND OF VACUOUSNESS. OF COURSE, THERE A WAY THIS PURE, MADONNA-LIKE INNOCENCE JUST AS INGRATIATING. IT IT MADE ALL MORE PROBLEMATIC BECAUSE OF HER LATE INTRODUCTION IN THIRD ACT. ANYWAY, IT SOMEWHAT REMARKABLE THAT ONE OF LEAST OFFENSIVE FEMALE IN THE BOND FRANCHISE SPEND ENTIRE TIME IN BIKINI.
FEMINISM
2) ZENA MARSHALL AS MISS TARO = THE FEMME FATALE WITHOUT HINT OF PERSONALITY. SHE WORKING FOR BAD GUYS SO SHE HAVE TRAP BOND TO KEEP HIM OCCUPIED FOR SOME REASON… BUT IT’S ALSO CLEAR SHE’S INTO HIM SORT OF… BUT IT’S ALSO CLEAR BOND JUST USING HER… SO HE JUST GO THROUGH MOTION AND BASICALLY DATE RAPE HER… THESE SORTS THINGS HAPPEN LOT IN BOND MOVIES… THERE CLEARLY ISSUES AT PLAY HERE (GOING BACK TO FLEMING’S BOOKS, BELIEVE IT OR NOT THE ANTI-WOMAN/ANTI-GAY/ANTI-LIBERAL STUFF IN THESE MOVIES ACTUALLY TONED DOWN FROM BOOKS… SO, YEAH).
NOT FEMINISM
3) EUNICE GAYSON AS SYLVIA TRENCH = SHE ACTUALLY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE LITTLE BLIPS IN THE BOND SERIES. SYLVIA EVEN SHOW UP AGAIN IN NEXT MOVIE AND IN BOTH SHE PLAY THE SAME BORED SOCIALITE WHO LIKE PLAYING THE FLIRTING GAME WITH BOND (THO ALWAYS END UP DOING IT). REASON IT SO GOOD CAUSE HER FLIRTATION SO CONVINCING. SHE ACTUALLY GOOD AT STONE-WALLING CONNERY, SO IT NOT SO OBVIOUS THEY JUST GOING TO DO IT IMMEDIATELY. THEIR INTERPLAY IDEAL FOR HIM AND MOST WELCOME.
WHEN THIS HEALTHIEST RELATIONSHIP YOU GOT PROBLEM
MOMENTS OF MISOGYNY: PRETTY MUCH THE ENTIRE MISS TARO PLOT LINE. PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING COMING OUT OF BOND’S MOUTH.
SUPPORTING CAST: WHAT GREAT THAT ALMOST ALL THE REGULARS OF FRANCHISE THERE FROM BEGINNING. 1) BERNARD LEE BEGINS HIS LONG REIGN AS M FROM VERY BEGINNING. 2) LOIS MAXWELL BEGINS AN IMPRESSIVE RUN AS REALLY THE ONE AND ONLY MONEYPENNY. IN THIS FILM IT’S SO NATURAL TO SEE HER PINING AND SMITTEN IN WHAT WILL TURN TO BE AT TIMES A GREAT RELATIONSHIP (AND SOMETIMES A FREAKING BIZARRE ONE). HULK MOSTLY REMEMBER HER “OLD MAID” STATE IN LATER FILMS SO IT GREAT SEE HER SO FRESH FACED HERE. SHE RATHER FETCHING. 3) JACK LORD MAKE FIRST AND ONLY APPEARANCE AS CIA AGENT FELIX LITER AND LATER GO ON TO HAWAII 5-0 FAME. 4) JOHN KITZMILLER AS QUARREL ODDLY ENOUGH THE LEAST OFFENSIVE “GENERIC BLACK GUY PAIRED WITH JAMES BOND TO HELP DRIVE HIM AND AROUND IN STUFF” IN THE SERIES. REALLY, THESE GUYS A DIME A DOZEN. IT BASICALLY THERE TO SHOW JAMES BOND COOL WITH MINORITIES AND STUFF. BUT HECK, QUARREL EVEN GOT DEATH SCENE THAT ACTUALLY MAKE YOU FEEL SAD INSTEAD OF NONPLUSSED. SO THAT SOMETHING. AND 5) HULK LOVES JOSEPH WISEMAN’S BROAD TV-SERIAL LIKE TAKE ON THE CARTOONISH DR. NO. IT NOT ONLY SET TONE FOR SERIES BUT HE SEEM HAVING GREAT FUN WITH IT.
DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: FOUR HULK SMASHES OUT OF FIVE!
BETTY’S TAKE: “I’m in love with Sean Connery’s thighs”
ENDNOTES:
* – THIS SAME REASON PEOPLE WATCH ENTOURAGE. ONLY ENTOURAGE TERRIBLE AND NOT FUNNY.
HULK USUALLY NOT SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT BOX OFFICE. HULK NOT SAYING CONVERSATION WITHOUT MERIT . JUST PROBABLY THAT THERE LOT A LOT PEOPLE MORE QUALIFIED TO ANALYZE. DAMON HOUX AT CHUD HAVE GREAT ONGOING COLUMN FOR ONE. BUT STILL, HULK FEEL HULK HAVE GOOD ARGUMENT FOR WHY BOX OFFICE PERFORMANCE SUCH PREVALENT CONCERN FOR MOVIEGOERS.
WHEN FRAMING THE ARGUMENT FOR HOW PEOPLE RESPOND TO FILM’S SUCCESS/FAILURE AT BOX OFFICE, THERE ONE KEY USE OF LANGUAGE THAT EVERYBODY SEEM TO IGNORE (BESIDES VERB AND FIRST PERSON. HULK HAVE TROUBLE WITH THOSE)…. AND IT KIND OF HAVE TO DO WITH SPORTS… BOX OFFICE PERFORMANCE REALLY ABOUT “WINNERS” AND “LOSERS.”
IN SPORTS, THERE CLEAR/METHODICAL WINNERS AND LOSERS. THE RESULTS DETERMINED PURELY BY COMPARATIVE SCORES AND IT SO MUCH EASIER TO SAY WHICH ONE “BETTER” THAN OTHER. AND MORE OFTEN THEN NOT, A TEAM’S FINANCIAL SUCCESS DIRECTLY DEPENDENT ON THOSE RESULTS. WHEN A TEAM WIN, PEOPLE WANT TO WATCH IT. WHEN TEAM LOSE, PEOPLE STOP WATCHING. HULK KNOW THIS A SIMPLIFICATION, BUT IT PRETTY EVIDENT ONE.
AND WHAT BOX OFFICE STATISTICS FINALLY DO IS GIVE FILM A “SCORING SYSTEM.” AND PEOPLE’S RESPONSES AFTER THAT ONLY NATURAL. A MOVIE THAT PERFORM WELL SIMPLY A “WINNER.” PEOPLE WANT TO GO SEE THE “WINNER” JUST AS THEY WANT TO SEE A WINNING TEAM. THE SAME KIND OF THINKING APPLY TO “LOSERS.” NOBODY WANT GO WATCH A CRAPPY TEAM, SO WHY THEY WANT TO WATCH A NON-SUCCESSFUL MOVIE?
THE LIONS = THE "THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH" OF FOOTBALL
OF COURSE THERE A MILLION REASONS THAT A MOVIE’S WORTH HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING DO WITH BOX OFFICE (SERIOUSLY, IT MOSTLY ABOUT MARKETING), BUT STILL THIS THE KIND OF THINKING THAT BECOME PREVALENT. THINK ABOUT ALL THE OVERLAPPING SIMILARITIES BETWEEN INTERNET-INCLINED MOVIE FANS AND SPORTS FANS. WHEN MOVIE (TEAM) YOU DON’T LIKE FOR SOME REASON DO POOR YOU TAKE COMFORT. SOME EVEN RELISH IN THE DEFEAT OF THE OPPOSING FANS BELOVED MOVIE (TEAM). JUST IN THE SAME WAY, WHEN TRULY GREAT MOVIE NOT PERFORM AT BOX OFFICE, SOMETIMES AN AUDIENCE BECOMES MORE EMBLAZONED TO LOVING THEIR “UNDERDOG” PROPERTY. THEY LEARN EMBRACE THE “LOSER” STATUS AND MAKE IT PERSONALIZED. THEY ARE “HARDCORE FANS.” THEY WERE THERE “EVEN WHEN IT WAS BAD” (A FAVORITE A SPORT-DOM CRED CHECKS). THEY’RE NOT “BANDWAGON” FANS OF THE MOVIE.
THINK ABOUT THE RECENT BACKLASH AND BACKLASH-TO-THE-BACKLASH WITH EDGAR WRIGHT’S AMAZING “SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD.” DID THE PASSION OF PUBLIC RESPONSES REEK OF SIMILARITY TO THE RESPONSES OF SPORTS FANS? ON BOTH SIDES OF ARGUMENT? ABSOLUTELY IT DID. EVEN HULK GUILTY OF THIS.
HOW THIS NOT AWESOME?
OF COURSE, THIS REALLY NOT CONFINED TO SPORTS AND MOVIES. IT MORE HUMAN BEHAVIOR IN GENERAL. BUT THE REASON THIS ALL NEW TO MOVIES BECAUSE BOX OFFICE INFORMATION JUST NOW FINALLY BEING REPORTED IN LAST 15 YEARS. IT WASN’T THAT PEOPLE NOT INTERESTED IN DECADES BEFORE. IT JUST THAT THEY JUST DIDN’T KNOW. ALL THEY HAD WAS FOOTAGE OF LONG LINES OF MOVIE FANS WRAPPING AROUND THE BLOCK (HENCE TERM “BLOCKBUSTER”). AND THE PUBLIC WAS FASCINATED BY THAT STUFF.
IT JUST THAT WITHOUT THE ACTUAL BOX OFFICE INFORMATION, THE DIALOGUE OF MOVIES STAYED, WELL, A BIT MORE MEASURED. NATURALLY, AWARD SHOWS LIKE OSCARS BROUGHT OUT THE SPORTS-LIKE DIALOGUE, BUT REALLY IT WAS MOSTLY LIMITED TO THAT. FOR MOST PART, HULK WOULD SEE MOVIE AND IF HULK LIKED IT, HULK WOULD SHARE THAT WITH FRIENDS. THAT WAS THE DIALOGUE.
WHAT'S THIS MOVIE CALLED? SOUNDS STUPID.
BUT NOW BOX OFFICE INFORMATION HAVE CHANGE CONVERSATION.
PLEASE KNOW, THIS NOT INDICTMENT OF SPORTS EITHER. HULK ACTUALLY LOVE SPORTS VERY MUCH, BUT THE LINE OF THINKING AND TERMINOLOGY NOT SUITED FOR COMMENTARY ON ART AND COMMERCE (OR POLITICS EITHER, BUT THE EFFECTS OF SPORTS ON SOCIO-POLITICAL ARENAS A WHOLE OTHER AND MUCH MORE PROBLEMATIC DISCUSSION).
BOX OFFICE REALLY A FUNNY THING. HULK HAVE BENEFIT WORKING IN ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY AND CAN TELL YOU THAT ALMOST ALL MOVIES MAKE MONEY EVENTUALLY. YES, EVEN WITH HUGE ADVERTISING BUDGETS.
FOR EXAMPLE, EVERY STUDIO HAVE A COMPLICATED FORMULA FOR EACH OF THEIR MOVIES (ONE BASED ON PAST MODELS/TRACKING INFORMATION/RESTRUCTURING DEALS) WHERE AFTER JUST ONE DAY’S PERFORMANCE (FRIDAY NIGHT) THEY CAN GET A BALLPARK DOLLAR FIGURE FOR HOW MUCH MONEY THE MOVIE WILL EARN THE STUDIO. HULK NOT TALKING ABOUT FOR THEATRICAL RUN, BUT AFTER IT GO THROUGH ALL RENTALS/TELEVISION SALES/LICENSING AND USE. HULK TALKING ABOUT THE FINAL NUMBER YEARS DOWN THE LINE.
JUST IMAGINE ROOMS AND ROOMS LIKE THIS
THAT ORIGINALLY BLEW HULK’S MIND. HULK, LIKE MANY, MAY FORGET ABOUT A CERTAIN MOVIE , BUT THAT MOVIE HAVE LONG, LONG ECONOMIC TIMELINE. AND CLASSICS LIKE “BUTCH CASSIDY AND SUNDANCE KID” STILL RUMBLING AROUND MAKING LOTS OF EXTRA MONEY FOR WHICHEVER STUDIO OWNS RIGHTS. THAT WHY THEY MAKE THESE MOVIES YOU KNOW. BECAUSE ON LONG TIMELINE THEY ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD BET.
BUT YOU ASK HULK “WHY THERE SO MUCH DIALOGUE OUT THERE ABOUT THESE FILMS NOT EVEN MAKING THEIR PRODUCTION BUDGET BACK?”
THAT SIMPLE. THERE A TON OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE “PERCENTAGE POINTS” ON THE PROFIT OF ANY GIVEN MOVIE AND SO OF COURSE STUDIO NOT WANT SHARE OUT THE “ACTUAL” PROFITS TO THESE MOVIES. STUDIOS EMPLOY HUNDREDS OF VERY, VERY TALENTED PEOPLE TO WORK THE ACCOUNTING AND MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THESE MOVIES NOT MAKING MONEY (FOR PERCENTAGE PAYOUTS/TAX PURPOSES) BUT ALSO DOING WELL ENOUGH TO PLEASE STOCKHOLDERS. IT VERY TRICKY THING, BUT YOU BE AMAZED.
THE POINT OF ALL THIS DISCUSSION BEING WE ACTUALLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HOW MUCH A MOVIE ACTUALLY MAKING. WHICH MEAN BOX OFFICE FIGURES ALL THE MORE USELESS AND MAYBE NOT GIVE US “WINNERS” AND “LOSERS” WHATSOEVER. THERE SOME GREAT BUSINESS CONVERSATIONS TO BE HAVE, BUT THOSE OFTEN A VERY COMPLICATED NARRATIVE AND NEED HAVE LOTS OF INSIDE INFO.
HULK KNOW, HULK KNOW. THAT SOUND ASININE. BUT HULK SAW BOTH THIS WEEKEND AND SO IT INVITE THE ODD COMPARISON.
AND HULK UNDERSTAND WHY SOME FOLK MIGHT BE MAD AT HULK . MANY HULK FOLLOWERS LOVE BLUE VALENTINE AND HULK UNDERSTAND WHY. HULK ACTUALLY LIKE ASPECTS OF IT VERY MUCH. FOR ONE, IT HAVE INCREDIBLE CENTRAL PERFORMANCE FROM RYAN GOSLING.
HE ALSO HANDSOME.
HULK ALSO RECOGNIZE HOW SUBJECT MATTER SEEM BE DEEPLY PERSONAL FOR MANY. PERSONAL FILMS HAVE STRONG ABILITY TO REGISTER AND AGAIN, HULK UNDERSTAND.
AND TO JUST AS MANY, MACGRUBER MAY BE CONSIDERED INANE; A DUMB MOVIE BASED ON SNL SKIT THAT BARELY ROSE ABOUT THAT TRUNCATED LEVEL OF THOUGHT. THAT FINE TOO. HULK KNOW HULK CAN’T CONVINCE SOME PEOPLE BEYOND THE “APPARENT TONE” OF MOVIE. AND IT MAKE THIS ARTICLE SEEM CRAZY BECAUSE A FILM LIKE BLUE VALENTINE SIMPLY IN DIFFERENT “CLASS” THAN FILM LIKE MACGRUBER. HULK UNDERSTAND THIS.
BUT WHY ONE FILM INHERENTLY “BETTER” BECAUSE OF THE SERIOUSNESS OF SUBJECT MATTER?
IT SHOULD BE SAY NEITHER ONE OF THESE FILM ON HULK’S TOP 15. WORSE, THESE FILMS ACTUALLY NECK AND NECK ON HULKS RUNNING LIST, WHICH JUST MEAN THAT IN MANY WAYS DEBATING THE RELATIVE “GOODNESS’ OF THESE TWO SORT OF POINTLESS. BUT HULK THINK IT BEAR MENTION BECAUSE IT GET AT ESSENCE OF HULK PHILOSOPHY ON MOVIES IN GENERAL.
WHY MACGRUBER “BETTER” TO HULK? BECAUSE MACGRUBER SHOW HULK SOMETHING HULK NEVER REALLY SEEN BEFORE.
IN END, BLUE VALENTINE A MOVIE THAT GET TO HEART OF WHAT MIGHT BE A VERY BANAL TRUTH. MANY PEOPLE CALLING IT A FILM ABOUT HOW PEOPLE “FALL OUT OF LOVE” BUT HULK DISAGREE STRONGLY. WHY? BECAUSE WE NEVER SEE HOW THAT HAPPEN, JUST THAT IT DID. WE SEE THEM FALL IN LOVE. THEN WE SEE THEM NOT IN LOVE. THAT IT. IT NOT LIKE IT UNJUSTIFIED THOUGH. REALLY WE SEE HOW THE SEED OF DESTRUCTION PLANTED FROM ONSET. A COUPLE CAN BE HELPLESS AGAINST FATE AND THIS SEEM LIKE COUPLE TOTALLY (OR WILLFULLY) NAIVE OF THEIR INHERENT PROBLEMS AT BEGINNING. AND IF THAT THE POINT OF MOVIE? THAT TOTALLY FINE. GOOD EVEN. BUT HULK NOT SURE THAT INTENTION AND REALLY NOT SURE IF THAT AUDIENCE’S REACTION.
STRUCTURALLY BLUE VALENTINE FILM HAVE SOME PROBLEM TOO. HULK THINK IT MAYBE BENEFIT BY SHYING AWAY FROM “500 DAYS OF SUMMER” ALTERNATION MODEL OF GOOD TIMES/BADD TIMES. HONESTLY, IT SEEM BLUE VALENTINE WOULD WORK BETTER AS CLEAN BREAK WITH 1ST-HALF-HAPPY, 2ND-HALF-SAD STRUCTURE. MAYBE THEY AFRAID OF “CARNAL KNOWLEDGE” COMPARISON? OKAY, BUT STILL IT HAVE OWN UNIQUE STORY TO TELL, SO HULK WONDERING WHY SHY AWAY FROM SOMETHING THAT OBVIOUSLY WORK BETTER ON DRAMATIC LEVEL? THAT MAKE 2ND PART SADNESS TO THEIR LIVES ALL MORE DEVASTATING. INSTEAD, THE MISMATCH OF GOOD TIMES WITH BAD MAKE FOR A CONFUSING TONE (NOT THAT HULK LITERALLY CONFUSED, WE TALKING EMOTIONAL CONNECTION HERE). IN END, “BLUE VALENTINE” NOT FEEL LIKE A STORY TO HULK. IT MERELY PRESENT SITUATION. AND WORSE IT MAKE ESPECIALLY WEIRD DECISION BY PUTTING “GOOD TIMES” SEQUENCES AFTER “BAD TIMES” SEQUENCE… THIS MAKE NARRATIVE WORK AS “REMINDERS” INSTEAD OF AN EMOTIONAL LET DOWN. YES, IT CAN BE INTERESTING, BUT IT NOT DRAMA.
HULK DON'T REMEMBER A CAMERA IN THIS MOVIE
IT NOT LIKE A FRACTURED NARRATIVE RUIN CAPACITY FOR DRAMA EITHER. IT JUST A FRACTURED NARRATIVE MUST REGISTER IN COMPELLING WAY TO AUDIENCE. WHAT MAKE DFW’S “INFINITE JEST” SO EMOTIONALLY INTERESTING THAT IT THE STUNNINGLY-FRACTURED NARRATIVE REVEAL AND CLARIFY THE DENSITY AND INTENTION OF ITS CHARACTERS. AND YES, THERE SOME OF THAT IN BLUE VALENTINE (LIKE THE REVEALING HOSPITAL QUESTIONNAIRE SCENE), BUT NOT NEARLY ENOUGH JUSTIFY EDITING CHOICE IN HULK’S MIND.
A LOT BEEN MADE OF “RAWNESS” OF BLUE VALENTINE. AND THAT PROBABLY APT. THE SUBJECT MATTER OF MOVIE PAINFULLY PRESENT TO MANY. IT HAVE SAME CONVERSATIONS MANY A BREAKING-UP COUPLE HAVE IN REAL LIFE. BUT ONCE AGAIN WE GET TO THE ISSUE OF “DRAMATIZATION” VS. “PRESENTING TRUTH.” HULK CALL THIS THE “TELL ME YOU LOVE ME” SYNDROME, A TV SERIES SOME LAUDED AS PAINFUL LOOK AT REALISTIC RELATIONSHIPS. INSTEAD, HULK JUST FOUND IT OBVIOUS. JUST CAUSE IT REALISTIC NOT NECESSARILY MAKE IT GOOD, OR BETTER YET, COMPELLING. IT ONE OF MANY THING HULK LIKE ABOUT “THE WIRE”, WHICH WAS CONCERNED WITH REALISM ONLY TO A POINT. EVERY SCENE IN THAT SHOW HAVE REAL DELIBERATE FOCUS EITHER ON PLOT, CHARACTERIZATION, OR ESPECIALLY THEME AT GIVEN MOMENT. ALWAYS. AND IT DID SO WITH GREAT ECONOMY. THIS PART OF WHY DAVID SIMON VERY CAREFUL TO REMIND FOLKS IT FICTIONAL NARRATIVE AND NOT “REALISM/JOURNALISM/OR DOCU-STYLE.” MEANWHILE, HULK WORRY BLUE VALENTINE SOMETIMES TO CONCERNED WITH ACCURACY.
INDEEEED.
AN EVEN BETTER COMPARISON IS THIS YEAR’S CRITICAL DARLING “THE SOCIAL NETWORK” THAT SHED NOTION OF REALISM CONSTANTLY IN FAVOR OF CREATING SOMETHING INTERESTING TO SAY, OR GET AT LARGER TRUTH. IT A NOBLE GOAL AND ONE PEOPLE SEEM RESPOND TO. YEST THEY BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT GOALS, BUT HULK REALLY NOT ALL THAT SURE THE “LARGER TRUTH” OF BLUE VALENTINE EVEN CLEAR.
IT ALL GET BACK TO NATURE OF “DRAMA.” A FILM NOT HAVE GO THROUGH HIT SAME EXACT BEATS, BUT CONVENTIONS OF DRAMA MUST BE UNDERSTOOD IN ORDER BE ACHIEVED. WHICH NOT SAY BLUE VALENTINE TOTALLY UNFOCUSED (HULK NOT WANT SEEM LIKE TRASHING MOVIE) AND THE PERFORMANCES ARE STELLAR (ESPECIALLY GOSLING’S), BUT HANGUPS OF MOVIE UNFORTUNATELY MAKE IT HARD FOR HULK TO TRULY EMBRACE THOSE SHORTCOMINGS.
ON OTHER HAND, MACGRUBER IS ABSOLUTELY NUTS IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY.
IT RAUNCHY. IT ABSURD. IT SOMETIMES INSIPID. BUT IT NEVER, EVER AFRAID. IT SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW IT CAN ONLY GET A TINY BIT OF MILEAGE SENDING UP MACGUYVER AND THE SNL SKIT IT BASED ON, SO IT WISELY SEND UP 80’S MOVIES INSTEAD. IT NEVER REFERENCE TOO DIRECTLY (THE CLOSEST IT COME IS RAMBO), BUT INSTEAD REFERENCE THE MOOD AND CULTURE OF TIME. IT HAVE GREAT MUSIC CUES THAT STRADDLE LINE BETWEEN RIDICULOUS AND COMPLETELY AWESOME (PARTICULARLY THE GENUINELY THRILLING SCENE WHERE MACGRUBER CRASHES THE PARTY SET TO EDDIE MONEY’S “TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT”… TRUST HULK. IT GREAT.)
SHUT UP, IT'S AWESOME
BUT BEST OF ALL, MACGRUBER EXIST IN IT OWN WEIRD MOVIE WORLD. IT KNOW EXACTLY HOW BUILD UP THE WEIRDEST CHARACTER CONVENTIONS ONLY TO THEN RIP THEM DOWN. IT PLAY THE MACGRUBER-LESS OPENING AS COMPLETELY STRAIGHT ACTION MOVIE. IT ADMIRABLE ALONG WITH FACT THE MOVIE SEEM LIKE HAVE ACTUAL BIG-ASS BUDGET (WHICH TOTALLY RISKY AND KUDOS TO WHOEVER GREEN-LIT). AND VAL KILMER LEGITIMATELY GREAT, TOWING LINE BETWEEN STRAIGHT FORWARD AND SILLY (AT LEAST TIL END).
TRY IGNORE THE CHEEKS
BUT MOST STRIKING THING ABOUT THE MOVIE’S SINGULAR WORLD, THAT MACGRUBER AS CHARACTER IS COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY INSANE.
HE A FILTHY, INCOMPETENT ASSHOLE. BUT RATHER THAN BE PURE SMARM (SOMETHING OUT OF TODD PHILLIPS MOVIE?) THE CARTOONISH BRAVADO IS TURNED UP TO 11. AND IT HELPED BY HOW THEY UNDERCUT HIS MACHISMO AT EVERY MOMENT THEY CAN. THE BEST EXAMPLE THE REOCCURRING BIT WHERE IT SMASH-CUT TO THIS “LADY’S MAN” BEING ABSOLUTELY MEEK/DETESTABLE IN BED. IT CAN BARELY BE DESCRIBED BUT YOU HAVE SEE IT. SERIOUSLY (AND YES, SOME GUYS APPARENTLY DO IT LIKE THAT… LIKE CAPTAIN AMERICA… BUT YOU NOT HEAR THAT FROM HULK).
THE FILM IMPRESSIVELY DIRTY. ANY MOVIE THAT HAVE BETTY QUOTING THE GREAT LINE ALL WEEK: “[WITH ULTRA-SERIOUS-CONVICTION] I WILL SUCK YOUR DICK… I WILL LET YOU FUCK ME…” MUST HAVE A GREAT EFFECT. AND THERE A TON QUOTABLE LINES.
HULK COULD GO ON AND ON, BUT HULK SHOULD MENTION HE NOT IN LOVE WITH MOVIE EITHER. CHIEF PROBLEM IS THAT SOMETIME IT TOO OVER-DEPENDENT ON IT’S WEIRD TONE TO POINT WHERE FEEL SLIGHTLY ONE NOTE. HULK KNOW THAT WEIRD STATEMENT, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING IT PRETTY DAMN GOOD NOTE (FILMMAKERS LIKE ADAM MCKAY BETTER UNDERSTAND HOW GET MILEAGE OUT OF ABSURDITY). DID HULK ADORE MACGRUBER? NOT EXACTLY. BUT HULK APPRECIATE THE SHIT OUT OF IT.
SO GIVEN WHAT HULK EXPLAIN ABOUT THESE TWO MOVIE, WHY MACGRUBER HAVE BE AUTOMATICALLY INFERIOR? ONLY COMEDIES THAT TEND GET LOVE ARE ONES WITH SERIOUS UNDERTONE (LIKE SIDEWAYS OR SOMETHING). HULK NEVER UNDERSTAND THIS.
DREW MCWEENEY OVER AT HITFIX DO GREAT GAME IN HIS PODCAST CALLED “MOVIE GOD”. IN IT, YOU PRESENTED WITH TWO MOVIES AND YOU HAVE DECIDE WHICH ONE NEVER EXISTED. IT TERRIBLY UNFAIR BUT THAT THE POINT. IT MAKE YOU CHOOSE WHAT YOU VALUE IN A MOVIE.
AND HULK KNOW THIS DOUBLY UNFAIR AFTER SPENDING TIME ONLY BASHING BLUE VALENTINE AND ONLY BUILDING UP MACGRUBER, AND TO MAKE REALLY CLEAR I’D RATHER KEEP BOTH…
… BUT MACGRUBER DO SOMETHING HULK NEVER REALLY SEEN BEFORE (SPECIFICALLY THE EXACT WAY IT DO IT). AND BLUE VALENTINE DO THINGS HULK SEEN MANY TIME BEFORE AND NOT AS WELL AS HULK HOPED.
WHEN HULK PUT IN THOSE TERMS, IT NOT OBVIOUS?
CAN YOU HANDLE IT?
FEEL FREE TO AGREE OR TELL HULK THAT HULK IDIOT BELOW.
… THOUGH HULK WARN YOU. YOU KNOW LIKE HULK WHEN HULK ANGRY.
SURE, RECENT FORAY INTO FAMILY FARE DISAPPOINTING, BUT TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE. THE MAN GOT OLD AFTER ALL. AND THOSE MOVIES FINANCIALLY SUCCESSFUL FOR MOST PART(YOU BE SURPRISED). REALLY THE ONLY PROBLEM THAT THEY MAKE EASY FORGET THAT FOR OVER 30 YEARS, JACKIE CHAN DELIVER CONSISTENTLY ENTERTAINING KUNG FU MOVIES; STUFFED WITH KIND OF THRILLS EVERY SPECIAL EFFECT IN WORLD CAN NO ACHIEVE.
AND HULK LOVE HULK SOME KUNG FU MOVIE.
ALL JACKIE CHAN HONG KONG FILMS [BASICALLY ANYTHING PRE-RUSH HOUR(1998)] ARE INTERESTING THING. FIRST OFF, THERE ALMOST 100 OF THEM. AND YET THERE WAY IN WHICH THEY ALL THE FREAKING SAME. BUT THE DEGREES IN WHICH THEY DIFFERENT DETERMINE THE RELATIVE SUCCESS OF MOVIE TO HULK. IF THEY ESTABLISH A FUN RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN CHARACTERS, IT WORK. IF PLOT NOT TOTALLY INSIPID, IT WORK. AND EVEN WORST OF THESE MOVIES AVOID BEING BORING FOR MOST PART BECAUSE JACKIE ALWAYS SUPPLY ENTERTAINING AND MAYBE INSANE ACTION SCENE. BUT OF THE HANDFUL OF “BEST” JACKIE CHAN MOVIES, HULK’S FAVORITE UNQUESTIONABLE:
RELEASED SIMPLY AS “SUPERCOP” IN USA, IT ACTUAL HONG KONG TITLE: “POLICE STORY 3: SUPERCOP.” MEANING IT THIRD FILM IN SERIES WITH SAME “INSPECTOR CHAN” CHARACTER. THIS MOVIE HAVE BENEFIT OF BEING IN STAGE OF CAREER WHEN JACKIE CHAN BONAFIDE STAR IN ASIA. WHAT IT MISS IN GRIMY, HOMESPUN FUN OF HIS EARLY WORK, IT MAKE UP FOR ACTUAL PRODUCTION VALUE AND QUALITY CO-STARS (YOU MAY SEE THIS MOVIE AND THINK HULK INSANE, BUT TRUST HULK. THE EARLY MOVIES FAR, FAR WORSE).
JACKIE’S “INSPECTOR CHAN” CHARACTER FOR POLICE STORY MOVIES REALLY NO DIFFERENT FROM OTHERS. JACKIE ALWAYS PLAY EITHER (1) SOME KIND OF LAW ENFORCEMENT/SPY/GOVERNEMENT TYPE WHO ASSIGNED TO SOME CASE (IT REALLY NOT MATTER WHAT KIND). OR (2) HE HAVE SOME RANDOM GENERIC PROFESSION (LIKE, EVEN A COOK) AND THEN HE GET WRAPPED UP IN SOME SORT OF TANGENTIAL PLOT INVOLVING GENERIC GANGS OF GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY STUFF. THIS USUALLY INVOLVING A FAMILY OF VICTIMS COMPLETELY WITH YOUNG LOVE INTEREST (WHAT GREAT ABOUT THESE IS EVEN IF JACKIE PLAYING A COOK, HE STILL KNOW SHIT TON OF KUNG FU).
THEN YOU KNOW REST: JACKIE FIGHT. HE ACT SILLY. HE JUMP AROUND THINGS. HE PERFORM BATSHIT CRAZY STUNTS. HE USE HOUSEHOLD ITEMS TO BEAT UP THUGS (SOMETHING JASON STATHEM WISELY STEAL). THESE THINGS THAT ALL JACKIE MOVIE HAVE AND NEED.
SERIOUSLY, THE MAN IS COMMITTED TO PROVIDING SERIOUS ENTERTAINMENT:
STILL, HULK INSIST THE PLOT ITSELF MATTER. SEE SUPERCOP ACTUALLY HAVE GOOD PLOT… BY GOOD PLOT, HULK MEAN IT ACTUALLY HAVE PLOT. AND THIS INCREDIBLY BASIC ATTENTION TO STORYTELLING MAKE IT ODDLY COMPELLING MOVIE.
JACKIE’S INSPECTOR CHEN CHARACTER HAVE GO UNDERCOVER TO JAIL AND INFILTRATE DRUG ORGANIZATION OF MAN NAMED CHABAIT. JACKIE HAS HELP CHABAIT ESCAPE AND USE THAT TRUST TO GET IN INNER CIRCLE AND FIND OUT ALL HE CAN ABOUT HIS DRUG TRADE. IT KIND OF LIKE THE DEPARTED ONLY NOT AT ALL. NOW, ALL THIS PLOT STUFF HAPPEN FAIRLY LACKADAISICALLY COMPARED TO OUR MODERN OVERWROUGHT STANDARDS, BUT WHEN COMPARE TO REST OF JACKIE/KUNG FU FILMS AT TIME (WHICH MERELY “PRESENT” THESE PLOT DEVELOPMENTS VERBATIM AND THEN KEEP MOVING), THIS ACTUALLY CRACKLING STUFF. YOU BE SURPRISED JUST HOW MUCH EFFECT THINGS… IT ALMOST LIKE ACTUAL MOVIE.
BUT LET NOT KID HULKSELF. WHAT MAKE SUPERCOP AMAZING ACTUALLY ONE THING:
MICHELLE YEOH = THE PROVERBIAL SHIT.
YOUNGER HULK MAY HAVE FALL IN LOVE WITH MISS YEOH IN THIS MOVIE. THIS ACTUALLY ONE OF HER EARLIER PERFORMANCES AND MAKE HER BREAKOUT STAR. SO MUCH SO SHE GET THE SEQUEL TO THIS MOVIE (SUPERCOP 2) AS HER OWN VEHICLE. WHAT AMAZING (BUT OBVIOUS WHEN WATCH CLOSELY) THAT MICHELLE YEOH HAVE NO MARTIAL ARTS BACKGROUND. SHE A TRAINED DANCER WHO CONVERT OBVIOUS OVERLAP IN SKILLS. STILL, SHE GREAT AND ACQUIT HERSELF AMAZINGLY (MORE ON THAT LATER).
BUT REALLY SHE AN EVEN BETTER ACTRESS.
SEE WHAT MAKE JACKIE CHAN MOVIES REALLY WORK IS WHEN THE SURROUNDING CHARACTERS GOOD (AND NOT INSUFFERABLE CHILDREN AND PERPETUAL VICTIMS HULK KEEP MENTIONING). BILL TUNG A CONSTANT IN JACKIE’S MOVIES OF THIS PERIOD AND FOR GOOD REASON. HIS BUMBLING “UNCLE/CHIEF” CHARACTER TOTALLY EFFECTIVE FOR PURPOSES OF THESE MOVIE. AND MAGGIE CHEUNG’S “GIRLFRIEND” CHARACTER DEFINITELY UNDERRATED. SHE TAKE THAT “PERPETUAL VICTIM” THING HULK HATE ABOUT THESE MOVIES AND TURN IT INTO GREAT PARODY OF SELF. HER CONSTANT BEING IN DANGER JUST PLAY FOR LAUGHS.
BUT MICHELLE YEOH PERFECT. SHE JUST MORE BADASS AND JUST AS CAPABLE AS JACKIE. BETTER YET, THEIR DYNAMIC HELP RELEGATE JACKIE TO HIS MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE “CLOWN STATUS” ALLOWING IT WORK BEAUTIFULLY. YET EVEN WHEN BEING THE STRAIGHT MAN, SHE KNOW JUST HOW TO THROW A PERFECT ALLURING SMILE IN MIDST OF. THIS CREATE THAT WHOLE “CHEMISTRY” THING EVERYONE KEEP MENTIONING ABOUT MOVIE. SHE BRING OUT BEST WORK OF JACKIE’S CAREER.
AND LIKE, JACKIE. SHE WILLING TO THROW HERSELF INTO ANYTHING. JUST WATCH ONE OF HULK’S ALL-TIME FAVORITE STUNT:
INCREDIBLE.
SUPERCOP UNDOUBTEDLY SILLY. BUT IT COME ALONG AT TIME IN HULK’S LIFE WHERE IT JUST TOTALLY MAKE SENSE. THE MOVIE WORK EVEN BETTER TODAY. WATCH ANY BORING BIG BUDGET BLOCKBUSTER (TRON, TRANSFORMERS 2, ETC) THAT DO NOTHING BUT PRESENT SPECIAL EFFECTS WITH NO WEIGHT OR GRAVITY. THEN COMPARE TO THE TANGIBLE NATURE OF JACKIE CHAN MOVIES, AND BY EXTENSION EASTERN KUNG FU MOVIE AT LARGE. AND IT JUST SO REFRESHING.
SO FOR WHAT IT IS, IT HULK’S FAVORITE OF THE GENRE.
AND BECAUSE OF THAT, IT ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE 30-ISH MOVIES EVER.
ENDNOTE:
*HULK JUST WANT MENTION HILARIOUS ANOMALY IN JACKIE CHAN’S CAREER: THE PROTECTOR. IT TERRIBLE ATTEMPT TO TRANSLATE JACKIE INTO THE “BAD 80’S ACTION MOVIE.” IT EVEN CO-STAR DANNY AIELLO. BUT REALLY THE MOVIE JUST COMPLETE SHIT. IT TRY TURN JACKIE INTO NO-NONSENSE SUNGLASS WEARING BAD ASS (AS WAS POPULAR AT TIME). IT RUIN EVERYTHING THAT MAKE JACKIE CHAN SPECIAL AND UNIQUE. IT FULL OF GRITTY OUT-OF-NOWHERE NUDITY (DON’T GET HULK WRONG. HULK LIKE BOOBS AND ALL, BUT TOTALLY UNECCESSARY IN A JACKIE CHAN MOVIE). AND WORST OF ALL IT HAVE ABSOLUTELY NONE OF JACKIE’S BAD ASS STUNTWORK AND FIGHTING. SERIOUSLY!!! IT A TOTAL WASTE OF MOVIE… HULK MAY ANALYZE AND TEAR IT NEW BUTT-HOLE FOR YOU SOME TIME LATER.
WE LIVE IN AGE OF THE “INTERNET CLIP”… IT UNDENIABLE PART OF LIFE NOW. HULK OKAY WITH THIS. JUST THIS WEEK, CLIP OF GOLDEN VOICE HOMELESS MAN TED WILLIAMS CHANGE HIS LIFE. IT SPEAK TO ACTUAL POWER OF AMERICAN DREAM/REDEMPTION. THERE SOME REAL WONDERFUL THING BEHOLD.
IT ALSO ALLOW PEOPLE LOOK AT KITTENS, RACIST COMMENT, AND PEOPLE HURTING THEMSELVES FALLING.
BUT IT IN SPIRIT OF FIRST THINGS HULK TALK ABOUT, THAT HULK BRING YOU HULK’S 5 FAVORITE YOUTUBE CLIP
5. NORM MACDONALD ABSOLUTELY SLAYING CONAN
NORM MACDONALD SPECIAL COMEDIAN. THE MAN SIMPLY NOT GIVE A FUCK. BUT IN BEST POSSIBLE WAY. HE SEEM HAVE NO INTEREST IN ANYTHING HOLLYWOOD OR WHO HE OFFEND. NOT BECAUSE HE LIKE BEING ASSHOLE. BUT BECAUSE HE FIND THE OBVIOUS TRUTH OF THINGS JUST TOO FUNNY. THIS WHOLE CLIP EXCELLENT, BUT AT 5:30 IT GET SCATHING AND BY 7:16 CONAN JUST LOSE IT.
4. THE MAGIC OF FERROFLUID
IT ACTUALLY PRETTY SIMPLE. TAKE COLLIDIOL SOLUTION OF OIL/WATER DIVIDED BY A SUFACTANT AND SUSPAND IRON NANOPARTICLES TO CREATE ONE OF MOST BEAUTIFUL SCIENTIFIC REACTION IMAGINABLE… WHAT? WHY SURPRISED? HULK SCIENTIST HALF THE TIME… PUNY BANNER.
3. ANIMAL AND RITA MORENO
ANIMAL GREAT BUT HAVE PROBLEM OF BE ONE NOTE JOKE. SO WHAT MAKE MUPPETS GREAT IS HOW OFTEN AND HOW WELL THEY AUGMENT ANIMAL. THIS CLIP JUST PERFECT.
2. DAVID FOSTER WALLACE SUM UP PROBLEM WITH CURRENT INTELLECTUAL CULTURE IN LESS THAN 2 MINUTE
SO SUCCINCT. HE HAVE WAY OF TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING COMPLEX AND MAKING ACCESSIBLE WITHOUT DUMBING DOWN. HE JUST SMARTER THAN ALL OTHER HUMAN BEING. HULK ONCE WATCH HIM HAVE CONVERSATION WITH LEADER. WALLACE ACTUALLY PERSUADE LEADER PUT DOWN LASER RIFLE SO THEY COULD FINISH TALK KAFKA. THINKING BOUT IT NOW, JUST MAKE HULK SAD. IT TRAGEDY IN TRUEST SENSE OF WORD.
1/ STEVIE WONDER PERFORM SUPERSTITION SESAME STREET
THIS HULK’S ALL TIME FAVORITE CLIP. IT STEVIE BEST PERFORMANCE (PARTIALLY BY MAKE SONG ½ COUNT FAST) AND JUST PERFECT ENERGY WHOLE WAY THROUGH. HULK LOVE WAY IT BREAK DOWN AND COME BACK AT END. AND EVERYONE IN BAND HAVE SUCH DISTINCT PRESENCE/LOOK.
BUT THE STAR OF VIDEO? THE KID WITH LONG HAIR ROCKING OUT IN BACKGROUND AT :39 AND 4:08… YOU HAVE TO WATCH THOSE PART. HE JUST AMAZING.
I MEAN THIS ON SESAME STREET!?!?!?! THE WHOLE IDEA AND PERFORMANCE OF KID ROCKING OUT REALLY CAPTURE MOMENT IN TIME WHERE THIS POSSIBLE. HULK LOVE IT.
SOFIA COPPOLA GET LOT OF FLACK. HULK NOT REALLY UNDERSTAND. SOFIA SIMPLY MAKE FEMININE MOVIES. THIS IMPORTANT IN WORLD WHERE FEMALE DIRECTOR HAVE TO BE KATHERINE BIGALOW TO BE SUCCESS (HULK MEAN ONE NEED MAKE TESTOSTERONE-FUELED MOVIES). SO WHY MAKING FEMININE MOVIES SO OBJECTIONABLE? MOVIES NOT MEANT BE FOR EVERYONE. YEAH HULK LIKE COMIC BOOK NERD MOVIE TOO, AND SOFIA OPPOSITE OF THAT, SO WHAT? SOFIA FILL NEED SORELY LACK IN MAINSTREAM.
IT NOT LIKE HER MOVIES SEX AND CITY OR SOMETHING EITHER (WHICH ALSO HULK ALSO FINE WITH… IN DIFFERENT WAY). BUT SOFIA MOVIES: LOW KEY. FEATURE EXCELLENT USE OF SOUND. THEY HAVE DISTINCT EUROPEAN SENSIBILITY AND SHE NOT AFRAID LET SCENES PLAY OUT. SHE KNOW HOW TREAT SUBJECT WITH DELICACY. SHE ALMOST ALWAYS RATHER FEATURE OBSERVATION OVER DRAMA.
THIS NO MAKE HER UNIQUE VOICE IN CINEMA?
OF COURSE IT DO. WHICH MEAN HULK ARGUE SOFIA CRITICAL IN MAINSTREAM CINEMATIC LANDSCAPE.
PICTURED: DAINTY-NESS... DEAL WITH IT NERDS
HULK MAYBE THINK SOME RESENT ENTITLED QUALITY TO HER WORK. HULK UNDERSTAND THIS. ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THIS NEW ONE YET NOTHER FILM ABOUT BORED, DISAFFECTED RICH PEOPLE. AFTER ALL, IT SOMETIME HARD RELATE PEOPLE WHO NEVER WORRY ABOUT MONEY, REALITY, OR REGULAR THINGS REST OF US HAVE WORRY BOUT ALL THE TIME. (THEN AGAIN, HULK SPEND HULK’S TIME WORRY BOUT IMPENDING DOOM IF LEADER ESCAPE). HULK ALSO UNDERSTAND THAT NEPOTISM INVOLVED IS WORRISOME THING. BUT STILL, A FILM EARNED ON SCREEN NO MATTER HOW IT COME TO BE. A FILM CAN’T BE DISHONEST WITHOUT FEELING DISHONEST. TO QUOTE RASHEED WALLACE: “BALL DON’T LIE.” SO NO MATTER WHO HER FATHER, SOFIA STILL NEED MAKE FILM FOR ALL TO SEE. FILM EQUALIZING IN END. SO WITH THESE TWO CONSIDERATION, SOFIA CHOOSE MAKE MOVIES VERY PERSONAL. IF THESE MOVIE TOOK PLACE IN WORLD SHE NOT KNOW… WOULDN’T THAT BE MORE DISHONEST?
SOFIA FILMOGRAPHY INTERESTING SO FAR. “VIRGIN SUICIDES” SORT OF A MESS, BUT INTERESTING FIRST FORAY. IT DO HAVE VERY NICE FEEL AT POINTS. “LOST IN TRANSLATION” OBVIOUSLY ROUSING SUCCESS BY ALL REGARD. AND HULK FEEL “MARIE ANTOINETTE” MISUNDERSTOOD AMBITIOUS FILM THAT WORK AS META COMMENTARY ON ROYALTY AND THEN TRANSLATE THAT FEELING TO MODERNITY. HULK APPRECIATE THESE FILM VERY MUCH.
FEMINISM
AND NOW, “SOMEWHERE” FEEL LIKE BOTH STEP FORWARD, AND IN SOME WAY A STEP BACK FOR SOFIA. HULK STILL TRYING SORT THAT PART OUT AND EXPLAIN IN MINUTE. BUT FIRST. WHY IT STEP FORWARD:
“SOMEWHERE” PUSH SOFIA EVEN FURTHER IN DIRECTION OF NATURALISM. THERE LONG SEQUENCES OF MERE CHARACTER OBSERVATION. IT ALSO MANAGE BE COMPLETELY DEVOID OF DRAMA, WHICH GIVE SLIGHT HINT OF AVANTE GARDE. OR CINEREALISM. OR OTHER THING THAT NOT DESCRIBE IT CORRECTLY. “SOMEWHERE” MERELY AIM TO CAPTURE REAL MOMENTS IN LIFE OF AGING BAD BOY MOVIE STAR. THE VACUUM OF FAME. THE LACK OF CONNECTION. AND COUNTER THAT WITH ODD THRILLS OF MUNDANE LIFE.
SOFIA MANAGE PUSH THE SILENCES EVEN LONGER HERE . SHE FIND THE MONOTONY IN UNEXPECTED PLACES ( NOBODY BETTER THAN SOFIAAT CAPTURING SAD AWKWARDNESS OF A STRIPPER ROUTINE). BUT WHAT ELEVATE THESE CHOICES HOW SHE THEN ABLE TO JUXTAPOSE THOSE MOMENTS WITH MOMENTS OF SILENCE WHERE CHARACTERS AT PEACE. IT NICE DICHOTOMY.
STEPHEN DORFF PERFECTLY SERVICEABLE. THIS MAY SOUND LIKE SLIGHT BUT IT NOT. SILENCE MOSTLY REQUIRED OF HIM BUT HE NOT EXACTLY TRANSCEND IN WAY DAY-LEWIS ACT WITH SILENCE, BUT HE CONVEY ADEQUATE EMPTINESS. MUCH BETTER ARE SCENES WITH DAUGHTER. THEY FEEL HONEST AND TRUE. DORFF DO GOOD JOB BALANCING BETWEEN SEEMING RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH AND YET BEING INHERENTLY LIMITED AS ABSENTEE YOUNG PARENT.
THIS FILM WAS NOT ABOUT PARENTHOOD
HULK LIKE ELLE FANNING TOO. SHE AND SOFIA MAKE GREAT CHOICE HAVE HER ACT LIKE ACTUAL KID. SO OFTEN MOVIE TODAY HAVE KIDS ACT LIKE MINI-ADULTS. THIS ALMOST ALWAYS STRIKE HULK WRONG.* MEANWHILE, ELLE ACT LIKE REAL 11 YEAR OLD. NO, HULK NOT MEAN INSUFFERABLE. HULK MEAN ONE ONE WHO GUARDED, BUT WHIMSICAL. ONE WITH HER OWN INTERESTS, BEHAVIOR, AND EMOTIONS. IT COMPLETELY REFRESHING.
AND THEN JACKASS-ENSEMBLE-MEMBER CHRIS PONTIUS STRANGELY FANTASTIC. ONE GET SENSE HE JUST SORT OF TALKING ABOUT WHATEVER (HULK NOT SURE IF IMPROVISED?) BUT SORT OF CAPTURES EXACTLY WHAT HE NEED TO. HE BALANCE BETWEEN OLD FRIEND, HANGER-ON, DOPE, AND PRETTY DECENT GUY. HIS CHARACTER MAY SEEM TANGENTIAL AND DECORATIVE, BUT HULK ARGUE HIS PRESENCE CRITICAL. AND HE PERFECT FOR IT.
ACTOR
LASTLY, THE FOURTH MAJOR CHARACTER CHATEAU MARMONT ITSELF. OFTEN WE SAY FILM USE SCENERY AS CHARACTER AND SOMETIMES IT TRUE. HERE IT DEFINITELY TRUE. IT CAPTURE NOT JUST SETTING, BUT A MOOD AND LIFESTYLE. IT PERFECT.
THESPIAN
SO WHY “SOMEWHERE” ALSO A STEP BACK? THERE WAY IN WHICH “SOMEWHERE” JUST FEEL TOO EASY. ALL THE OBSERVATION NOT OBVIOUS EXACTLY, BUT IT MOVIE COMPLETELY WITHIN SOFIA’S WHEELHOUSE. HULK FEEL LIKE SOFIA TRANSCEND THE PERIOD PIECE WITH “MARIE ANTOINETTE” AND NOW SHE JUST GO BACK TO SOMETHING THAT YOU FEEL LIKE WAS NOT STRUGGLE TO EXECUTE WHATSOEVER.
BUT AS MUCH AS HULK WANT SOMETHING MORE, “SOMEWHERE” CAN NO BE DENIED. IT CAN’T HELP BUT FEEL HONEST.
HOW HULK DENY THAT?
ENDNOTE:
*HULK’S FAVORITE EXAMPLE OF CHILDREN ACTING LIKE ADULTS: THE OLD VERSION VS. REMAKE OF “THE OMEN.” IN ORIGINAL, THE MYSTERY OF WHETHER KID ACTUALLY DEVIL SUSTAINED CAUSE KID JUST ACT LIKE YOUNG KID. IN REMAKE, TO BE “SCARIER” THEY CAST CREEPY WIDE-EYED KID WHO OBVIOUSLY EVIL FROM START. BY REMOVE UNKNOWN ELEMENT, THEY UNWITTINGLY FUCK THEMSELVES AND MOVIE.
THESE LISTS PERSONAL. IT HARD SAY ONE MOVIE BETTER THAN ANOTHER, ESPECIALLY WHEN BOTH MOVIE ARE GOOD AND BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT AIMS. THAT BE SAID, HULK TEND TO REWARD FILMS THAT TRANSCEND RATHER THAN EXECUTE THE STANDARD… EXCEPT WHEN HULK… DOESN’T… IT DEPEND.
SECOND OFF!!
HULK STILL HAVE SEE MORE MOVIES. AT TOP LIST: BLUE VALENTINE, ENTER THE VOID, MONSTERS, MCGRUBER, RABBIT HOLE, THE FIGHTER, CYRUS, THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT, 127 HOURS, THE GHOST WRITER, EXIT THROUGH GIFT SHOP, AND OTHERS… WOW.. THAT LOT… SORRY, BUT HULK GOTTA PAY FOR THIS SHIT UNLIKE LOTS OTHER CRITICS. SO THIS LIST CHANGE
THIRD OFF!!!
HULK PICK 13 MOVIES CAUSE HULK ALWAYS DRAW LINE OF MOVIES IN “TOP TIER” FOR YEAR. IT CAN BE ANY NUMBER. THESE FILMS FEEL LIKE IN CLASS OF OWN.
(NOTE: NOW UPDATED TO 15 AS HULK JUST SEE TWO NEW MOVIE)
FILM CRIT HULK’S TOP 15 FILMS OF 2010:
WARNING: ACTUAL ACTORS
15. THE KING’S SPEECH (ADDED IN UPDATE)
THE KING SPEECH SEEM LIKE KIND OF OSCAR BAIT MOVIE POISED TO CHARM OLD PEOPLE, AND THEN BORE YOUNGER FOLK WITH DISCERNING TASTE. TRAILER NOT REALLY HELP DISSUADE THAT WITH ALTERNATING WACKINESS FOLLOW BY SWELLING GRAVITAS. BUT THE KING SPEECH ACTUALLY FANTASTIC. IT ASSURED. EVEN-KEELED. WELL OBSERVED. ALL WACKINESS PERFECTLY IN CONTEXT. FIRTH GIVE ONE OF BEST PERFORMANCES OF CAREER (AND HULK NO CAN WAIT FOR HIM TEAM UP WITH COEN BROS). BETTER YET, IT ACTUALLY CHARACTERIZE BOTH CONTEXTUAL IMPORTANCE OF MONARCHY AND SPECIFIC TIME IN HISTORY. IN SHORT, THE KING SPEECH RATHER GOOD.
JAMES FRANCO. HE'S SO HOT RIGHT NOW
14. HOWL
IT NOT REALLY A MOVIE. IT REALLY JUST READINGS OF HOWL SET AGAINST ANIMATION AND JAMES FRANCO DOING INTERVIEW/IMPRESSION AS/OF ALLEN GINSBERG. AND IT GREAT. AFTER ALL, THAT ALL IT REALLY REALLY NEED.
THIS WILL MAKE SENSE... SORT OF
13. I’M HERE
THIS FILM SHOULD COUNT EVEN LESS, CAUSE IT ACTUALLY A SHORT. BUT 30 MIN LONG ENOUGH FOR HULK CONSIDERATION ON THIS LIST. SPIKE JONZE CONTINUE TO AMAZE HULK. HULK HAVE GO BACK TO THE KANYE SHORT WHICH SHOWCASE SPIKE’S ABILITY BUILD UP MONOTONY/SEEMINGLY RANDOM EVENTS ONLY HAVE IT CREST INTO POETIC, POIGNANT MOMENTS. KANYE’S SUDDEN, FINAL EMOTIONAL STANDOFF WITH HIS INNER “WILD THING” SHOWCASE JONZE CAPABLE OF SUCH MOMENTS OF UNEXPECTED, SHOCKING HEARTBREAK. AND HE DO SO FROM CONCOCTING THE STRANGEST IMAGES… SO WHEN COMES TO “I’M HERE” WE GET THE SAME IDEA. MORE GLORIOUS STRANGE POETICISM FROM SPIKE JONZE: CHECK OUT ENTIRE FILM HERE ONLINE: http://www.imheremovie.com/
WHY ALL CHILDREN NOT HAVE SCOTTISH ACCENTS TOO?
12. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
GOOD FOR DREAMWORKS. READER MAY NOTICE HULK PUT THIS ABOVE TOY STORY 3. SOME SAY THIS BLASPHEMY. THAT FINE. PROBLEM WITH TOY STORY 3 FOR HULK IS IT FEEL LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN REHASH OF AMAZING EMILY SEQUENCE OF TOY STORY 2… ONLY DRAWN OUT TO 2 HOURS. DON’T GET HULK WRONG. HULK ENJOY TOY STORY 3 VERY MUCH. AND HULK APPRECIATE EXISTENTIAL CHUTZPUH OF 3RD ACT AND ALL, BUT PIXAR WAS GOING EXCEPTION AND ORIGINAL DIRECTION BEFORE TOY STORY 3 (WITH WALL-E + UP)… SO WHY GO BACK AND RETREAD? IN END IT JUST FEEL LIKE NAKED CASH GRAB EVEN IF THAT NOT PIXAR M.O. (THO WHEN LOOK UP BOX OFFICE, RATATOUILLE AND RECENT ALL NOT DO AS WELL AS TOY STORY’S + NEMO, ETC… SO PERHAPS NOT UNFOUNDED) … MEANWHILE, DREAMWORKS FINALLY MAKE ACTUAL MOVIE WITH HOW TRAIN DRAGON. THE STORY DONE RATHER WELL AND SOMEHOW IT ORIGINAL FEELING FILM. HULK KNOW, HULK KNOW! IT TAKE TONS FROM OTHER MOVIE BUT THE AMALGAMATION TOTALLY SUCCESSFUL. ANYCRAP, HULK LIKE IT BETTER. SO THERE.
"NO. YOU DON'T JUST DROP THE R'S. SHORTEN THE VOWELS TOO OR ELSE YOU'LL SOUND LIKE A NEW YORKAH"
11. THE TOWN
SO FILMCRITHULK MAY OR MAY NO BE FROM AREA OF THIS MOVIE ORIGINALLY. SO SURE, THERE ONE PART OF HULK THAT APPRECIATE ABILITY OF TOWN TO “GET THINGS RIGHT” SO TO SAY… YET THERE OTHER PART OF HULK THAT WORRY ABOUT ROMANTICIZING OF BOSTON MEAT-HEAD TOWNIE GANGSTERISM (AND YES, THIS A THING). BUT TRUTH IS, NEITHER REALLY MATTER. THE TOWN SIMPLY WELL-MADE AND FOCUSED MOVIE. HEIST SCENES REALISTIC YET RATHER INTENSE. CHARACTERIZATION FLUID. MAIN ROMANCE ORGANIC. IT FRAMEWORK IMPECCABLE. IF HULK HAVE ONE WORD USE TO DESCRIBE, HULK SAY “BALANCED” BUT MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, THE TOWN (+ GONE BABY GONE) SHOW AFFLECK DYNAMIC AND HAVE BRIGHT FUTURE. AFFLECK DONE GOOD.
YOU CAN NO DRINK TEA UNDERWATER. SHE NOT EVEN HAVE CUP.
10. SOMEWHERE
HULK DETAIL THOUGHTS HERE. THIS FILM REALLY GROW ON HULK.
"THE BEST THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE IS PEOPLE WILL STOP MISTAKING YOU FOR MICHAEL CERA... HOPEFULLY... PEOPLE ARE PRETTY DUMB."*
9. THE SOCIAL NETWORK
PLACEMENT OF SOCIAL NETWORK ON HULKS LIST VERY TRICKY. IT MOVE AROUND LOTS. SOMETIMES HULK PLACE AS HIGH AS 5. AND HULK DO SO CAUSE FIRST HOUR BEYOND EXCEPTIONAL. IT BALANCE PROPULSIVE FILMMAKING AND CAREFUL ARTICULATION. HULK LOVE IT CAUSE IT DO THINGS WELL MOST MOVIE NOT BOTHER DO AT ALL. LIKE DIALOGUE, ETC… BUT SECOND HALF MOVIE TEND WANDER FOR HULK (EVERYTHING POST-TILT SHIFT RACE SEQUENCE). THERE LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY BECAUSE OF REAL NON-FICTION ELEMENT HULK KNOW… BUT HULK FEEL LIKE THEY SPEND SO MUCH TIME SETTING UP ENDING AND THAT TIME COMPLETELY LACK FOCUS OF WHAT COME BEFORE. WORSE, HULK FEEL LIKE SECOND HALF LOSE TRACK OF ZUCKERBERG ALL TOGETHER. THIS SOUND LIKE INANE COMPLAINT CONSIDERING ALL THIS MADE UP WITH POIGNANT, BITING ENDING… HULK LOVE WHAT THE SOCIAL NETWORK HAVE TO SAY, AND HOW IT SAY IT… BUT STILL HULK CAN’T SHAKE SOMETHING ABOUT AIMLESSNESS OF LAST HOUR. SOCIAL NETWORK TRANSCENDENT, YET LIMITED. YEARS FROM NOW WHO KNOW WHERE THIS BE ON LIST? EVEN IN WRITING THIS, HULK FEEL LIKE IT CHANGING HULK’S MIND.
*AND HULK LIKE MICHAEL CERA TOO DAMMIT. EVERYONE STOP COMPLAIN.
"ALL RIGHT LET'S GO FIND SOME MORE SQUIRREL GUTS"
8. WINTER’S BONE
THERE THREE THING THAT ELEVATE THIS QUIET, ABSURDLY WELL-MADE OZARK NOIR: 1) JENNIFER LAWRENCE AS REE. SHE INCREDIBLE. SHE CARRY WEIGHT OF ENTIRE MOVIE AND HAVE DO SO MANY THINGS WITHOUT REALLY CHANGING OUTWARD BEHAVIOR. NOW HULK JUST WORRY ABOUT LACK OF GREAT ROLES FOR JENNIFER LAWRENCE CAUSE NO GOOD ROLES FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 2) FILM SO ASSURED. DIRECTOR DEBRA GRANIK HAVE SUCH SENSE FOR ENVIRONMENT. 3) WINTERS BONE MADE TRANSCENDENT BY JOHN HAWKES. HULK MUST GET SPOILERY NOW SO TURN AWAY IF NO SEE MOVIE… THERE NOTHING MORE AMAZING IN FILM THEN WHEN AUDIENCE CONSTANTLY CHANGING ITS MIND ON CHARACTER PURELY THROUGH NATURE OF THE CONTEXT. EVOLUTION OF HAWKES’ CHARACTER KIND OF BALANCING ACT THAT NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO DO. AND IF THAT DON’T WORK MOVIE FAIL ALL TOGETHER… “THIS GOING TO BE END OF THINGS?”
THEY ALMOST FILMED MOVIE LIKE THIS
7. SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD
TRUST EDGAR WRIGHT. IT THAT SIMPLE. AT FIRST, MANY REACT AND UNFAIRLY MALIGN PILGRIM AS “HIPSTER BULLSHIT” (NONSENSICAL TERM THERE EVER WAS ONE). IN DO SO, WHAT THEY MISS IS ENDLESSLY INVENTIVE AND BADASS FILM. IN FACT THIS FILM ABOUT BEATING UP HIPSTERS. SO POTENTIAL AUDIENCE MAY HAVE… MISUNDERSTOOD. BETTER YET, PILGRIM ANCHORED BY SIMPLE FOCUS ON MATURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS AND DO SO IN REALISTIC WAY, FAR REMOVED FROM TRADITIONAL LOVE STORY RHAPSODY. BUT THE EDITING OF OF FILM MAY BE BIGGEST WINNER. IT TAKE DEEPLY EPISODIC NARRATIVE AND TURN IT STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS FLO-MATIC GENIUS. HULK IN AWE… OF COURSE, IN COMICS THERE NICE FOCUS ON MALAISE AND REAL LIFE JOB STUFF AND HULK WISH THAT HAVE SOME REPRESENTATION, BUT THAT MINOR. THE FILM PERFECT COMPANION PIECE TO THE BOOKS… THERE NO HIGHER COMPLIMENT.
JESUS
6. BLACK SWAN
ARONOFSKY TYPICALLY ON-POINT. THE MAN DIRECT HELL OUT OF MOVIES. BLACK SWAN GET DEEP UNDER HULKS SKIN. IT VISCERAL BODY HORROR + REALISTIC PORTRAIT OF RIGORS OF BALLET. AND IT ESSENTIALLY HAUNTING META-REWORKING OF SWAN LAKE ITSELF. BRILLIANT. BUT REALLY “BLACK SWAN” IS NATALIE. SHE TRANSCENDENT (HULK KEEP USING THAT WORD. HULK KNOW. BUT HULK DOING IT FOR REASON. HULK TRYING CONVEY WHAT MAKE MOVIE MORE THAN GOOD). NATALIE’S WHITE SWAN MORE NATALIE WE SEEN BEFORE, BUT TO WATCH UNRAVEL AND WHEN FINALLY SHE HAVE TRIUMPHANT “BLACK SWAN” MOMENT IT TRULY ENTHRALLING.
IF YOU SEE HER YOU ALREADY DEAD
5. KICK ASS
HULK FIND THIS MOVIE THE MOST COMPLEX THING COME OUT THIS YEAR BELIEVE OR NOT… LIKELY YOU NOT. WHERE WATCHMEN HAVE LOT TO SAY ABOUT POLITICS, HUMANITY, AND CULTURE. KICK ASS COMMENTARY STAY ALMOST SUPERHERO SPECIFIC. (AND LET HULK TELL YOU, HULK KNOW THING OR TWO BOUT SUPERHERO). KICK ASS ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTOOD ITS MOMENT. IN WORLD WHERE SUPERHERO ORIGINS/DYNAMICS STALE AND ROTE TO AUDIENCE, KICK ASS ELEVATE COMIC VIOLENCE INTO ACTUAL VIOLENCE (GETTING COMIC FAN WORKED UP/ENTRALLED/AMAZED) THEN USE TIMELY INJECTIONS OF GRISLY REALISM TO TURN MOMENTS AND EXPECTATIONS ON HEAD (THINK THE STABBING, THE VIDEO, ETC). THIS NOT TO “FUCK WITH AUDIENCE” OR COME WITH SOME INNER MOTIVATION TO “GO DARKER” THIS BRILLIANT WAY OF ACTUALLY GETTING CYNICAL COMIC AUDIENCE TO REACT. TO CARE. THE AUDIENCE NOT LIKE “OH AWESOME!” THEY ACTUALLY SAY “OH NO!” KICK ASS HAVE ACTUAL HUMAN GRAVITY. KICK ASS ACTUALLY GET JADED COMIC NERDS TO CARE. AND IN END THEY CREATE MOVIE THAT ULTIMATELY SUPERHERO AFFIRMING PIECE OF WORK. IT VERY MODERN+ADULT TAKE ON SAME MESSAGE THAT COMICS GIVE YOUNG KIDS. THAT REMARKABLE TO HULK… PLUS DOUBLE BONUS FOR MATTHEW VAUGHN CAUSE HE GET RID OF RIDICULOUS SEXISM/RACISM OF COMIC AND CLARIFYING MESSAGE HULK STATED ABOVE. COMIC NO REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT SAYING. MOVIE DID… MARK MILLAR SUCKS.
RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE ELSE... JERKS
4. TRUE GRIT
THE COEN BROTHERS HUMBLE HULK. THERE WORK ALL TOO GOOD. THERE NOT SINGLE NEGATIVE THING SAY ABOUT THIS FILM. IT FLAWLESS. COENS WRITE “AMERICAN SHAKESPEARE” HERE ACCORDING TO BARRY PEPPER AND HULK AGREE. EVERY SINGLE PERFORMANCE COULD BE CONSIDERED BEST IN FILM. SERIOUSLY, HULK CAN MAKE ARGUMENT FOR BRIDGES, STEINFELD, DAMON, BROLIN, PEPPER, THE COL., AND EVEN BEAR MAN ALL HAVING BEST PERFORMANCE… [HULK SHAKES HEAD]… IT JUST TOO GOOD… ONLY REASON THIS MOVIE NOT HIGHER CAUSE… CAUSE… IT NOT TRANSCENDENT LIKE SOME THERE OTHERS? MAYBE CAUSE IN END IT JUST STRAIGHT-UP WESTERN? (UNLIKE, SAY, 3RD ACT INVERSION/POETICS OF NO COUNTRY?) … MAYBE CAUSE HULK KNEW COENS COULD MAKE THIS MOVIE IN THEIR SLEEP? … WHICH INCREDIBLY UNFAIR TO THEM AND ALL OTHER FILMMAKER… BUT… BUT THEY JUST TOO GOOD!
GRETA GERWIG WONDER IF THERE MISPRINT ON STILLER'S CHECK FOR LITTLE FOCKERS... THERE NOT.
3. GREENBERG
EVERYBODY SEEM MISS THIS. THAT SHAME. NOAM BAUMBACH OFTEN MAKE FILM THAT LIKE DAGGER TO HULK’S HEART (WHICH MEAN DAGGER PRETTY STRONG, CAUSE HULKS GREEN SKIN TOUGH). HE MAKE SCATHING YET PERFECTLY FAIR FILMS. AND THERE SOMETHING VERY SPECIFIC THIS FILM CAPTURE. SOMETHING ALMOST WITHOUT DEFINITION: THE PAIN OF GROWING UP AND FEELING YOU MISS OUT ON SOMETHING DEEPER WITHOUT EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS. OR THE FEELING OF WATCHING OWN LIFE PASS YOU BYE EVEN WITH BEST INTENTIONS. NOW, THIS SOMETHING LOTS OF CHARACTERS EXPRESS IN MOVIES ALL THE TIME (USUALLY BEFORE STARTING AFFAIR OR CHANGING LIFE OR SOMETHING) BUT NEVER IT FEEL REAL. NEVER IT FEEL EARNED. IT MERELY PRESENTED AS JUSTIFICATION FOR MOST DUMB PLOTS TO BEGIN. BUT IN GREENBERG. ALL TOO REAL. BAUMBACH KNOW TREAT MALAISE NOT EXISTENCE OF SADNESS (OR, LIKE, DRUG INDUCED COMA). AND BETTER YET BAUMBACH KNOW MOVIES WITH THESE AFOREMENTION “LIFE CHANGES” MOVIES JUST ATTEMPT FOR WRITER TO JUSTIFY SELFISHNESS. BECAUSE BAUMBACH KNOW IN END MATURITY ABOUT THE EMBRACING THE SADNESS OF SIMPLE DEVOTION TO OTHER PEOPLE. ABOUT THE PAIN OF SELFLESSNESS. IT CAPTURE A KIND OF REALISM HULK NEVER REALLY SEE IN MOVIES. STILLER REALLY, TRULY DELIVER. AND GRETA GERWIG JUST PHENOMENAL. SHE HAVE EXACT UNDERSTANDING OF HER CHARACTER. THIS EASILY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITES OF YEAR.
"WEE BOUNCING OFF YOUR TEETH"
2. FOUR LIONS
YES. THIS FILM ABOUT TERRORISTS. THIS NOT REALLY MATTER. HULK NOT INTERESTED IN HAVING CONVERSATION ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THAT VALID. (ASKING WHY SOMEONE MAKE FILM LIKE THIS ANSWER TO IT OWN QUESTION) BESIDE IT NOT “WHAT” FILM ABOUT. IT “HOW” IT ABOUT. AND “HOW” OF FOUR LIONS = REALLY, REALLY FUNNY. HULK LAUGH HARD. HULK LAUGH CONSISTENTLY WHOLE WAY THROUGH (LUCKILY, HULK NEVER WATCHED TRAILER. IT SPOIL LOTS). BUT ALL THIS JUST REQUIREMENT FOR BEING GOOD COMEDY (WHICH FOUR LIONS IS). WHAT PUSH THIS MOVIE TO DIFFERENT LEVEL THAT IT HAVE SOMETHING SAY ABOUT WHY SOMEONE SUBJECT THEM SELF TO HARDCORE IDEOLOGY. FOUR LIONS UNDERSTAND THE MOTIVATIONS BE ANYTHING REALLY. AND THEY NO HAVE BE OVERT. FROM FEELING LIKE OUTCAST. TO FAMILIAL. TO REPRESSED SEXUALITY. TO JUST BEING STUPID BEYOND COMPARE. AND OFTEN WHAT PUSH PEOPLE FROM BEING IDEOLOGUE TO OUTRIGHT TERRORIST, IS SIMPLY MATTER OF CIRCUMSTANCE AND TIMING. SO WHEN FILM REACH WHIMSICAL/HAUNTING FINALE (SET TO APHEX TWIN’S AVRIL 14!) IT ALL BECOME SURREALLY POIGNANT. IF YOU THING HULK EXAGGERATING, YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH CHRIS MORRIS. THIS NOT JUST A FUNNY/GOOD FILM. THIS IMPORTANT FILM.
JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT... BADASS
1. INCEPTION
HULK NOT NOLAN FAN BOY. HULK APPRECIATE ELEMENTS OF HIS WORK. BUT HULK HAVE SERIOUS PROBLEMS TOO. SO TRUST HULK WHEN HULK SAY HULK NOT PREDISPOSED TO LIKE INCEPTION… YET WHEN HULK SIT DOWN TO SEE, HULK ABSOLUTELY BLOWN AWAY BY THIS STAGGERING ACHIEVEMENT. HULK THINK INCEPTION A LANDMARK FILM AND VERY DEFINITION OF THAT WORD HULK KEEP REPEATING: “TRANSCENDENT.” INCEPTION WORK AS STYLISH THRILLER. IT WORK AS HEIST MOVIE. IT WORK PSYCHOANALYTIC FRENCH NEW WAVE FILM. IT WORK AS LEONARDO’S BEST WORK. IT WORK AS TOM HARDY SHOWCASE. IT WORK AS JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT BEING DEBONAIR BADASS. IT WORK AS ATTEMPT REMIND HULK TOM BERENGER STILL ALIVE. IT WORK AS ALL THESE THING.
HULK FEEL LOT OF PEOPLE MISTAKE IDEAS IN MOVIE FOR JUST BEING “IS IT ALL A DREAM?” TYPE-BULLSHIT. THEY MISSING FAR BIGGER QUESTIONS. NOLAN NOT INTERESTED IN NATURE OF REALITY, BUT OUR REACTIONS TO NATURE OF REALITY. WHICH WHY MOVIE SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON PSYCHOANALYSIS. NOLAN INTERESTED IN HOW WE DEAL WITH TRUTHS ABOUT SELVES AND HANGUPS. HOW IT PARALYZE US AND SNEAK INTO DAILY WORK. ALL THIS FASCINATING, AND PSYCHOANALYSIS OF EACH CHARACTER TIE DIRECTLY INTO THEY PLOT MOTIVATIONS. NOLAN WANT KNOW WHAT DRIVE U?. WHAT DRIVE AN IDEA? WHAT DRIVE HIS OWN FILMMAKING? WHAT DRIVE NARRATIVE AND EXCITEMENT? AND HE ADDRESS ALL AND MORE SO.
AND FOR RECORD, HULK FIND ARGUMENT ABOUT WHOLE MOVIE/WHICH PARTS “IS REAL” VS “IS NOT REAL” TO BE BAFFLING. NOLAN DOING VERY CLEAR THING. NOLAN DOING OLD MATHETMATIC TRICK OF “ALL ANSWERS WITHIN SET X”… MEANING NOLAN CREATE MOVIE WHERE BOTH EXPLANATIONS (“REAL” / “NOT REAL”) WORK ENTIRELY (NO EVIDENCE SO STRONG AS TO OUTWEIGH OTHER). THE MUCH-TALKED-ABOUT-ENDING JUST HAMMER THIS POINT HOME. IT NOT ONE OR OTHER. IT BOTH. AND THAT THE REAL TRICK.
BUT BACK TO PSYCHOANALYSIS BEING FOCUS OF MOVIE (NOT DREAMS), SOME SAY NOLAN CHEAPEN FILM BY MAKING THE THEMATICS LITERAL MCGUFFINS, BUT HULK THINK THAT THE GENIUS! NOLAN TURN PURELY ABSTRACT CONCEPT OF SYMBOLIC IMAGERY, SON/FATHER RELATIONSHIP, AND GUILT/REGRET INTO COMPELLING-AS-HELL-HEIST FOR MULTIPLEX AUDIENCE! HOW THAT NOT SOMETHING TO BE CELEBRATED? HULK FEEL LIKE THAT REALLY NOT BEEN ACHIEVED SINCE HITCHCOCK KNOCK EVERYONES ASS OUT OF WATER DOING SAME THING.
THE LOVE FOR THIS ONE SORT OF DISSIPATE LATELY… HULK NOT SURE WHY.
HULK NEVER SEEN TRANSFORMERS 2 BEFORE. HULK ALWAYS SWEAR HULK NEVER SEE IT.
IT SHOWING UP ON HBO LOT NOW, SO FOR SOME REASON HULK DECIDE TO SEE AND TWEET ABOUT IT AFTER MUCH TWITTER FOLLOWER SUPPORT OF IDEA.
THIS MEANT BE DONE IN TWITTER FORM. BUT HULK HAD 13 PAGE OF NOTES AND HUNDREDS OF ENTRIES. IT WOULD CLOG TWITTER UP + BE ANNOYING TO FOLLOWERS. SO HULK THINK THIS BETTER FORMAT.
AND SO BEGINS HULKS RUNNING DIARY OF TRANSFORMERS 2:
And go!
:00 MINUTES – MOVIE START
:01 MINUTES – “HUMANS CAPABLE OF GREAT COMPASSION” [MATCH TO SHOT OF AFRICAN TRIBESMAN W/ SPEARS]
:01 – NEVERMIND. BAY ONLY INTERESTED IN ‘GREAT VIOLENCE” PART OF THAT YIN-YANG
:02 – OH IT 10,000 BC TRANSFORMERS EDITION. HOW SAD FOR AUDIENCE.
:02 – WAIT… WHY ANCIENT 10,000 BC TRANSFORMERS SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH?
:02 – WHY AN AUTOBOT SAY “SUCK MY POPSICLE?” WHEN DID AUTOBOTS BECOME ADOLESCENT DICKS?
:02 – MICHAEL BAYESQUE MILITARY SOLDIER COMPLAINT #1
:03 – WAIT, TRANSFORMERS CAN SMELL?
:05 – OH GOD. ICE CREAM TRUCK = THE INFAMOUS TWINS…HULK HAVE BAAAAD FEELING ABOUT THIS
:06 – WHY THAT ONE TRANSFORMER ICE SKATING?
:06 – WHICH ONES ARE BAD AND WHICH ONES ARE GOOD? HULK SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER? THERE NO PRIME YET.
:06 – SO FAR THIS JUST A BUNCH OF STUFF HAPPENING ON SCREEN
:07 – HULK PRETTY SURE THIS UBER-PUBLIC BRAWL IN SHANGHAI WOULD EXPOSE TRANSFORMER EXISTENCE
:07 – “PUNK ASS DECEPTICON”… IF TRANSFORMERS COPY HOW WE TALK WHY THEY DECIDE TO TALK LIKE 7TH GRADE IDIOTS?
:07 – POINT BEING, NO RESPECTABLE COOL PERSON ACTUALLY SAY “PUNK ASS” … TRANSFORMERS CAN DO BETTER
:07 – THEN AGAIN, MICHAEL BAY STILL USES 1991 HIP HOP VIDEOS AS REFERENCE POINT OF COOL
:07 – WAIT, HAS OPTIMUS PRIME BECOME DIRTY HARRY SINCE LAST FILM? HE JUST EXECUTED SOME DECEPTICON… LIKE EXECUTION STYLE.
:08: – OH GREAT. THE PARENTS ARE BACK. THIS WILL BE FUNCTIONAL TO PLOT + THEMATICS, HULK SURE.
:09 – MEGAN FOX’S BUTT JUST GOT RE-INTRODUCED BEFORE MEGAN FOX.
Butt first...
:09 – … POOR MEGAN FOX
:11 – WHY CUBE SHARD JUST MELT THROUGH FLOORS LIKE “ALIEN” BLOOD?
:11 – THIS KITCHEN APPLIANCE TRANSFORMER ATTACK APPEAR BE MOST SUPERFLUOUS SCENE IN FILM HISTORY
:13 – DIDN’T BUMBLEBEE GET TALK AT END OF LAST MOVIE?
:13 – OH THANKS MICHAEL BAY. HULK NEEDED TERRIBLE THROWAWAY LINE OF DIALOGUE TO EXPLAIN THAT POINTLESS DECISION.
:16 – SPINNING CAMERA + NONSENSE RELATIONSHIP LOVE TALK = HULK LOSING STEAM
:17 – WHY SOUNDWAVE A SATELLITE WHO SOUND LIKE DR. CLAW?
:17 – OK. TINY BIT RESEARCH SHOW THEY ACTUALLY SAME VOICE. THE GREAT FRANK WELKER. SO SUE HULK.
:17 – BUT SERIOUSLY, SOUNDWAVE, THE MOST ENDEARINGLY DUMB TRANSFORMER HAS TO BE TURNED LOGICAL “CAUSE AN 80’S BOOMBOX NO MAKE SENSE”? WHAT MOVIE DO MICHAEL BAY THINK HE MAKING!?!?
:17 – PUT THIS WAY: A HILARIOUS GIANT BOOMBOX MUCH LESS STUPID THAN SUDDENLY INCLUDING A RACIST ICE CREAM TRUCK.
:19 – WHY ALL THE AUTOBOTS JUST LINED UP IN HANGAR? DO THEY, LIKE, SLEEP IN CAR FORM?
:19 – THEY SHOULD BE PLAYING CARDS OR SOMETHING. BEING A TRANSFORMER MUST BE BORING.
:20 – DUMB TYRESE LINE: “GOD MADE US IN HIS IMAGE. WHAT MADE [OPTIMUS PRIME]?” ANSWER: MICHAEL FUCKING BAY
THE CREATOR ALMIGHTY
:21 – WHAT? A COMPLAINT ABOUT PANSY LIBERAL PRESIDENT? IN A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE?!
:23 – WASHINGTON HACK: “OK, LET’S GO OVER THIS HIGHLY DETAILED AND UBER-SPECIFIC INFORMATION EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM ALREADY KNOWS (EVEN THOUGH I’M AN OUTSIDER) NOW THAT AS OF SERIOUSLY 30 SECONDS AGO WE STARTED BEING MONITORED BY THE GIANT SPACE BOOMBOX.” … GIVE HULK BREAK.
:27 – COLLEGE ROOMATE: “I READ YOUR FILE. I’M POOR. YOU’RE POOR” OKAY…. GET READY FOR HULK SMASH RAMPAGE:
:27 – MICHAEL BAY/HOLLYWOOD’S DEFINITION OF “POOR” = MORE INSULTING THAN SKIDZ AND MUDFLAP. THEY SEE SAM’S HUGE FREAKING HOUSE? HIS HUGE FREAKING HOUSE IN LOS ANGELES!?!??!??!?! AND THAT OTHER KID HAVE ENOUGH ELECTRONICS AND FRAMED POSTERS TO DEFINITELY NOT BE POOR. THIS ABSURD AND HULK’S LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE CONVENTION. HULK SMASH THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
:27 – SERIOUSLY…
:28 – AND NOW THE MOM EATING POT BROWNIES… THIS SHOULD MAKE SENSE.
:28 – SO ROOMMATE HACKED UNIVERSITY AND PUT ALL HOT GIRLS IN THEIR DORM? THIS SHOULD BE OWN MOVIE. THIS BAD SEX COMEDY FROM 1998.
AND IT SHALL BE CALLED "BONER DORM!"
:28 – “HE RECENTLY POPPED HIS CHERRY. I WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM AND HEARD THE WHOLE THING.”… THE MOMENT WHEN DIGNITY DIED.
:28 – OKAY, YEAH HULK LAUGHED FOR 1 SECOND AT THAT. “CRITIC HAS BE HONEST WHEN MAKES LAUGH” – EBERT?
:29 – AND NOW THERE SABERTOOTH TIGER DECEPTICON… SURE
:29 – THAT VOMIT LITTLE BRASS BALLS… THAT ARE ALSO TRANSFORMERS… SURE
:30 – OBLIGATORY TERMINATOR 2 MUSIC CUE WHEN BRASS BALL TRANSFORMERS MELD TOGETHER INTO THIN GLASS LIKE TRANSFORMER… [SHRUGS] SURE
:32 – WHY THERE NO AUTOBOT GUARD WITH ALL SPARK SHARD AT ALL TIMES? THEY JUST SITTING THERE AS CARS RIGHT NOW.
:37 – WHY SAM NOT TELL OPTIMUS HE HAVE ANOTHER SHARD? OPTIMUS MAKE IT CLEAR THEY NEED ONE.
:37 – SAM WITWICKY: TOTAL DICK
:38 – WAIT MEGATRON WASN’T KILLED? HULK PRETTY SURE HE KILLED IN LAST ONE.
:38 – WAIT, WHERE THOSE 4 OTHER DECIPTICONS COME FROM? THERE JUST TIGER ONE BEFORE… WUHT?
:39 – OKAY MEGATRON JUST FLY TO CYBERTRON, WHICH MULTIPLE LIGHT YEARS AWAY, IN LIKE 2 EARTH MINUTES…
:39 – THERE PROBLEM WITH PHYSICS THERE HULK SURE.
:39 – YES. HULK NITPICKING. BUT IF MOVIE THIS DUMB GOING SPEND MOST OF IT TIME THINKING UP OVERTLY-COMPLICATED EXPLANATIONS FOR HALF THE NONSENSE THAT HULK NOT GIVE SHIT ABOUT ANYWAY, HULK RESERVE RIGHT, NAY! THE HONOR OF CALLING OUT THE OTHER HALF OF NONSENSICAL BULLSHIT.
:39 – SERIOUSLY? WHY BOTHER HALF-ASSING!? WHOLE-ASS IT! GO CRANK 2 ON US. IT BETTER FOR EVERYONE.
:41 -WHY TRANSFORMERS BORN IN SAC’S OF FLUID? THE TRANSFORMERS MYTHOLOGY ONE OF MOST CONFUSING THINGS ON PLANET AND HULK TRIED FIGURE OUT “PRIMER.”
:52 – … SERIOUSLY!?! SO TRANSFORMERS CAN HAVE, LIKE, HUMAN SKIN? THIS WHOLE TIME?
:53 – … CAUSE THERE MANY TIME THAT NOT TOTALLY BE ADVANTAGEOUS OR ANYTHING.
:53 – JESUS.
:54 – OKAY SHIA/MEGAN’S LIBRARY BANTER AT LEAST RESEMBLE CINEMATIC DIALOGUE IN ROUGHEST SENSE #HOORAYFORAUDIENCE
:56 – AND NOW A TRANSFORMER SLUG TAKEN FROM MATRIX JUST POOPED IN SHIA’S MOUTH
:59 – WAIT, HOW THEY IN FOREST NOW?
1:00 – ONLY ONE HOUR DOWN!??! GOOD GOD.
1:00 – OPTIMUS JUST RIP DECPTICON’S FACE IN HALF… KIDS MOVIE!
DON'T EVEN LOOK AT HIM COCKEYED. HE CRAZY.
1:00 – HULK TAKE MOMENT TALK ABOUT THE “RATED-R”-IFICATION OF CHILDREN’S PROPERTY. LOOK. HULK ONCE LITTLE HULK TOO. HULK LIKED TRANSFORMERS A LOT. HULK HAD TONS OF THEM. GOING BACK NOW HULK RECOGNIZE FUN AND SILLINESS OF THESE TOYS. HULK LIKE AND HAVE FONDNESS FOR THEM. BUT IN NO PART OF HULK’S HEART, DOES HULK NEED TRANSFORMERS BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY BY PUBLIC AT LARGE. IT WAS TERRIBLE CARTOON LITERALLY DESIGNED TO SELL TOYS. WE NOT NEED HAVE OPTIMUS PRIME RIP SOMEONE’S FACE APART TO JUSTIFY OUR CHILDHOOD INTERESTS AND HAVE FIT WITH MORE CURRENT + ADULT SENSIBILITIES OF TASTE, EVEN IF WE STILL HAVE MILD INTEREST/GENUINE AFFINITY IN CHILDHOOD PRODUCT. IT NOT ONLY BAD FOR OUR DEVELOPMENT, IT ACTUALLY DISLOYAL TO ESSENCE OF OUR 8 YEAR OLDS SELVES AND CERTAINLY DETRIMENTAL TO 8 YEAR OLDS OUT THERE NOW. OPTIMUS NOT NEED WASTE MOTHERFUCKERS. END HULK RANT.
1:00 – SO OPTIMUS IS NOW DEAD. #KARMA
1:03 – “NO MORE DISGUISES!” SAID MEGATRON, STANDING AT TOP OF GIANT SKYSCRAPER IN DAY TIME, AND WHO HAS DONE SO OFTEN
1:03 – AND THE PARENTS ARE BACK. BAY SHOULD JUST GONE FULL BALLS AND HAVE MOVIE FROM THEIR POINT VIEW.
1:03 – ACTUALLY THE MOM (THE GREAT ACTRESS JULIE WHITE) SEEM BE ONLY ONE KNOW WHAT MOVIE SHE IN.
1:04 – MAN, DECIPTONS HATE AMERICAN FLAGS!
TERRORIST!
1:04 – FOR RECORD, ESCARGOT DELCIOUS
1:05 – IT BEEN HAPPENING WHOLE MOVIE, BUT MICHAEL BAY JUST LOVE PUTTING POINTLESS MILTARY TERM INFO AND LOCATION IN BOTTOM LEFT OF SCREEN. IT LITERALLY CONVEY NOTHING IMPORTANT. YET IT CONSTANT.
1:05 – WAIT, IT THE GUISE OF PLOT ORGANIZATION!
1:06 – HULK HAVE NO UNDERSTANDING HOW THERE STILL HOUR + HALF LEFT OF MOVIE
1:07 – OBAMA WITHHELD TRUTH FROM YOU!!! OBAMA WITHHELD TRUTH FROM YOU!!!
1:07 – GET OBAMA TO A HIDDEN BUNKER! THAT PUSSY!
1:07 – MICHAEL BAY’S MILITARY HARD-ON AND ANTI-LIBERAL STUFF KINDA AMAZING. IT SO PRESENT YET ILL-DEFINED. HULK SO CURIOUS WHERE IT COME FROM. HE MILITARY FAMILY? HULK KNOW HE NEVER SERVED…
1:07 – HULK LAUGH. HULK DO LITTLE RESEARCH. OF COURSE BAY WENT TO CROSSROADS IN L.A. (HIPPY DIPPY NO GRADES TYPE SCHOOL) AND OF COURSE HE GO WESLEYAN (THE MOST HIPPY DIPPY COLLEGE IN COUNTRY). OF COURSE HE ADOPTED KID OF CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST. IT MAKE SO MUCH SENSE NOW. THIS NOT THE DECENT CONSERVATISM OF RATIONAL, GROUNDED AMERICAN BASED ON EXPERIENCE (AND ANY POLITICS IS FINE IS TO HULK IF BUILT ON DECENCY). BUT NO. THIS KNEE-JERK REACTION TO BEING SUBJECTED TO MOST LIBERAL AMERICAN ENVIRONMENTS POSSIBLE. THIS INNER DESIRE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUS + BADASS EVEN THOUGH BAY’S ENTIRE LIFE ABOUT AS NON-MILITARY FOCUSED OR NON-CONSERVATIVE AS IT GET. THIS IS I’M-A-TOUGH-GUY-PLAY-TIME.
1:07 – IT MAKE SO MUCH SENSE NOW.
1:08 – FOR THAT COMMENTARY HULK CURRENTLY BEING SUBJECTED TO FULL RAVAGE OF SKIDZ +MUDFLAP. THANKS KARMA.
1:10 – “NOW THAT THAT DECEPTIONS HAVE ATTACKED HUMANS LIKE YOU WARNED US, THE PRESIDENT IS DOING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE AGREED TO AND WHAT IS LOGICAL FOR NO APPARENT REASON” – OBAMA’S WHITE HOUSE GUY. AGAIN BAY POLITICS AT WORK.
1:10 – “DIPLOMATIC SOLUTION” MORE LIBERAL PUSSYTALK! HOORAY!
1:10 – FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY. HULK GOING TO SMASH YOUR ASS.
1:11 – WHY THERE AN AUSSIE GUY IN THE US ARMY?
1:12 – WHY MEGAN FOX’S LIPS ALWAYS CRAZY RED?
1:13 – SKIDZ OR MUDFLAP: “WE DON’T DO MUCH READING.” [FACEPALM]
1:14 – OH GOD JOHN TURTURRO YOU’RE RETURNED TO THIS? REMEMBER WHEN THE COEN BROS USE TO CAST YOU IN THEIR MOVIES?
1:16 – AT LEAST TURTURRO ALSO SEEM TO KNOW WHAT MOVIE HE IN
1:19 – WAIT, WHY TURTURRO IN A THONG? “I WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK”…
1:19 – TRANSFORMERS 2: WHATEVER THE FUCK
1:20 – HULK NEED ANOTHER DRINK
1:20 – … OH YEAH HULK STARTED DRINKING AROUND WHEN THAT GIRL TURN INTO ROBOT FOR SOME REASON
1:23 – HOW IS THE DC AIR + SPACE MUSEUM NOW NEXT TO GIANT AIRFIELD IN THE PLAINS? DID THAT JUST HAPPEN!?
1:24 – AND A ROBOT IS HUMPING MEGAN FOX’S LEG. THIS IS DEFINITELY HAPPENING. TIME TO DRINK!
1:24 – INCONTINENT OLD-TIMER TRANSFORMER NAMED JETFIRE JUST FARTED A PARACHUTES. IF THE MOVIE NOTHING BUT MOMENTS LIKE THIS IT COULD BE THE ROBOT VERSION OF HAUSU
GET HIM SOME DEPENDS
1:26 – SO TRANSFORMERS CAN TELEPORT?! HULK PRETTY SURE THIS INFRINGE ON NIGHTCRAWLERS BAMPF! COPYRIGHT
1:27 – “LET’S NOT GET EPISODIC. FACTS. PLOT. TELL IT!” – JOHN TURTURRO… IN TRANSFORMERS 2
1: 27 – LET NO TAKE THIS LIGHTLY. THIS MOST INCREDIBLE LINE IN MOVIE. HULK THINK MICHAEL BAY JUST INCLUDED (RATHER ASTUTE) STUDIO NOTE RIGHT INTO SCRIPT AT THIS POINT. CAUSE HE CERTAINLY IGNORE FOR PREVIOUS HOUR + HALF. (AND CERTAINLY IGNORES AFTER THIS EXPLANATION SEQUECE)… JUST AMAZING THAT IT’S EVEN THERE.
1:27 – HULK MEAN SERIOUSLY! THIS MOVIE TAKE 1 HOUR 27 MINUTE TO GET TO THE FREAKIN’ MCGUFFIN!
1:28 – SO IF WE’RE MEANT TO ASSUME TRANSFORMERS GAVE US CULTURE LANGUAGE (W/ ANCIENT PYRAMID CONNECTION) AND THEY SPOKE ENGLISH, WHY THEY NO GIVE US ENGLISH? WHY EVERYONE SPEAK ANCIENT EGYPTIAN INSTEAD? #LINGUISTICPLOTHOLES
1:33 – HEY! IT’S KENNY POWER’S MIDGET COCK-FIGHTING PARTNER! HULK KNEW THERE REASON HULK WATCH THIS 1 YEAR LATER… OTHER THAN HAVING INFINITE NUMBER OF BETTER THINGS TO DO
1:40 – SET WHERE THEY FIND MATRIX KEY SEEM TO BE SAME EXACT SET FROM END OF “INDIANA JONES AND LAST CRUSADE”
1:41 – SKIDZ + MUDFLAP JUST FOUGHT EACH OTHER AND KNOCKED OUT A WALL SAVING THE DAY (ALL IN SAD ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY THEIR INCLUSION)
1:41 – WHY ARE THE TWINS IN THIS ENTIRE MOVIE? HULK WOULD HAVE HAD “ENTIRE MOVIE” IN CAPS, BUT HULK ALREADY YELL IN CAPS. SO HULK JUST EXPLAIN IT NOW.
1:41 – BUT SERIOUSLY, THIS IS JAR-JAR-EPISODE-1-LEVEL OF ANNOYING PRESENCE. IT SOMEHOW EVEN MORE RACIST.
1:42 – WHERE SHIA GET A FLASHLIGHT?
1:44 – WAIT, IT EXPLAINED THAT THE MATRIX THE KEY TO ENERGON PYRAMID THINGY, WHICH HAVE POWER GIVE LIFE, NOT THE MATRIX HAVING POWER ITSELF. SO WHY MATRIX NOW THE MAGIC PIXIE HEALING DUST? THEY JUST REVERSED WHAT EXPLAINED CAREFULLY BEFORE TO MAKE THE ACTION SCENE MAKE “SENSE”… UGH
1:46 – HULK THOUGHT THE ROOMMATE JUST TASED 1 SECOND AGO. WHY HE NOW UP?
1:49 – OH WAIT, THE MAIN MILITARY COMMANDER = LANDRY’S DAD FROM FNL! SWEET! GLENN MORSHOWER THE-CHARACTER-ACTIN’-MAN!
1:50 – SO, “NOW” THEY’RE BEGINNING THE ASSAULT? WHAT HAPPEN LAST 6 MINUTES?
1:51 – MICHAEL BAY YET TO MAKE MOVIE WITHOUT SOME 3RD ACT “GREEN SMOKE” RELEASE INITIATIVE
1:58 – OKAY FOR SERIOUS: HULK JUST NOTIFIED THAT HULK’S BEST FRIENDS JUST GOT ENGAGED. THIS CAUSE HULK REALIZE JOY OF WHAT THEY DID = THE EXACT OPPOSITE END OF HAPPINESS SPECTRUM FROM HULK DOING THIS TRANSFORMERS 2 RUNNING DIARY ALL BY HULK SELF.
1:58 – HULK GETTING ANOTHER DRINK.
1:58 – AND THE PARENTS NOW BACK (IN EGYPT SOMEHOW) THEY WON’T GO AWAY. THEY THE JAY LENO OF THIS MOVIE.
1:58 – HULK MAKING A DOUBLE.
1:58 – IS IT HULK OR IS SAM’S MOM STARTING LOOK PRETTY GOOD?
2:00 – AT TWO HOUR MARK, HULK REMEMBER BEING AT LEAST WOWED BY FEW MOMENTS OF FIGHTING IN TRANSFORMERS 1… THIS JUST TEDIOUS + NONSENSICAL. THERE NO IMPACT. IT PURELY DISTANT MACHINATIONS OCCURRING ON SCREEN.
2:00 – WHY EVERY TRANSFORMER KILL HAPPENING IN SLOW-MOTION. IT LIKE BAD VIDEO GAME.
2:00 – YEAH, FINE. GTA = AWESOME. BUT THIS MOVIE = NOT.
2:05 – GOD THIS FIGHT SCENE IS GOING ON FOR FUCKING EVER
2:08 – WHERE THE HELL MEGATRON BEEN THIS ENTIRE BATTLE?
2:08 – DID AN ANCIENT TRANSFORMER JUST SAY BRING THE PAIN? OF COURSE HE DID
2:09 – CONSTRUCTICON HAS WRECKING BALLS FOR ANATOMICALLY CORRECT SCROTUM…
2:09 – LET TAKE MOMENT SILENCE TO ACKNOLWLEDGE EVERYTHING WEIRD + PERVERSE ABOUT MICHAEL BAY
2:09 – … OK. DONE.
2:10 – ANYONE WHO LIKES THIS MOVIE MUST HATE EDITING
2:10 – ACTION SEQUENCES SHOULD HAVE RHYTHM AND CHARACTER INTEREST. THIS HAS THE RHYTHM OF LONG, SPUTTERING WET FART.
2:11 – OH HEY IT’S ACTAULLY MEGATRON SHOWING UP! (HULK THINK IT HIM AT LEAST. EVERY ROBOT LOOK SAME)
2:11 – OH HEY MEGATRON DO SOMETHING USEFUL AND KILL SAM! SEE WHAT HAPPEN IF ACTUALLY SHOW UP! GOOD THINGS!
2:12 – HULK THOUGHT BUMBLEE SUPPOSED TO GET PARENTS FAR AWAY?… NOT, LIKE, 100 FEET. NICE JOB BUMBLEBEE… ASS.
2:13 – WAIT… IS… IS THIS HAPPENING?
2:13 – HOLY SHIT IS SAM IN TRANSFORMER HEAVEN? REALLY THIS IS HAPPENING?!?!
2:13 -THE THEOLOGICAL IMPLICATIONS OF TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ARE BAFFLING:
2:13 – 1. DO HUMANS AND TRANSFORMERS GO TO HEAVEN TOGETHER? HULK IMAGINE THEY SEPARATE…
2:13 – 2. IS TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ABOVE CYBERTRON OR EARTH OR A GO BETWEEN?
2:13 – 3. IS SHIA SECRETLY A TRANSFORMER? THEY CAN BE SKINNY WOMEN APPARENTLY.
2:13 – 4. CAN GAY TRANSFORMERS GET INTO ROBOT HEAVEN?
2:13 – 5. IF NOT, THEN IT COULD BE BAD FOR THE ICE SKATING TRANSFORMER
2:13 – 6. HULK LOOKED UP ICE SKATING TRANSFORMER AND IT APPARENTLY NAMED “SIDE-SWIPE”… COULD GO EITHER WAY
2:13 – 7. HULK SURPRISED MICHAEL BAY NOT NAME HIM “LANCE” AND HAVE HIM TRANSFORM INTO CONDOM MACHINE IN WEHO
2:13 – 8. (IN CASE NOT OBVIOUS: HULK MAKING POINT ABOUT MICHAEL BAY’S WRETCHED SENSE OF HUMOR, NOT HULK’S OWN)
2:13 – 9. WAIT, WAS JAZZ IN THAT SEQUENCE IN TRANSFORMER HEAVEN? HULK NO THINK SO.
2:13 – 10. MAYBE TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ONLY FOR “PRIMES” AND THIS SOME SORT HORRIBLE RACE THING.
2:13 – 11. HULK TOLD YOU. IMPLICATIONS = STAGGERING.
2:14 – SO THE DUST TURN INTO THE MATRIX DAGGER THING AGAIN? WHERES THE 30 SECOND MONOLOGUE NONSENSICALLY EXPLAINING HOW?
2:15 – WAIT, JETFIRE STILL ALIVE?
2:15 – LET TAKE MOMENT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT OPTIMUS PRIME = REMOVED FOR 1 HOUR 15 MINUTES OF THE RUNNING TIME OF THIS MOVIE
2:15 – THE FALLEN CAN TELEPORT TOO? WHY TRANSFORMERS NO TELEPORTING ALL THE FREAKING TIME? WHY TURN INTO MACK TRUCK AND DRIVE 4 HOURS FROM VEGAS IN TRAFFIC?
2:16 – THE FALLEN IS APPARENTLY ALSO MAGNETO (MARVEL INFRINGEMENT = HULK- A-SMASHIN’)
2:18 – WHY EVERY TRANSFORMER RELATED TO OPTIMUS? HE HAVE LIKE 13 BROTHERS. MR + MRS. PRIME MUST BE BOSTON IRISH CATHOLIC. #THANKSHULKBEHEREALLWEEK
2:18 – OPTIMUS: “GIVE ME YOUR FACE” #UNINTENTIONALPORNLINE
2:18 – “I RISE! YOU FALL!” #MOREUNINTENTIONALPORNLINES
2:19 – SERIOUSLY?! THE BATTLE FINALLY OVER? THAT WAS 40 MINUTES PURE BOREDOM. AND HULK LOVE ACTION SCENES! THERE NO PACING! NO RHYTHM! NOTHING!
DOESN'T THIS LOOK WELL STORYBOARDED?
2:19 – THAT BATTLE SEQUENCE SO BAD HULK MOTIVATED MAKE LIST OF THINGS HULK COULD DONE W/ MONEY USED TO MAKE THAT SCENE:
2:19 – 1. FUND 1/3 OF L.A.’S PUBLIC SCHOOLS
2:19 – 2. BUY 15 OF M.C. HAMMER’S MANSIONS
2:19 – 3. DOWNLOAD THE ENTIRE ITUNES CATALOGUE
2:19 – 4. COMMISSION CREATION GOLD STATUE OF HULK AND PUT IN FRONT YARD
2:19 – 5. FINALLY GET ADMITTED TO THAT SNOTTY GENTLEMEN CLUB WITH REED RICHARDS + PROFESSOR X… SO SNOTTY… #GODHULKNEEDACCEPTANCE
2:19 – 6. MAKE APPROXIMATELY 48 FILMS EQUAL TO BUDGET OF THE AWESOME “WINTER’S BONE”
2:20 – PEOPLE HUGGING. THEY HAPPY THE BATTLE IS OVER TOO. BECAUSE THEY ALMOST DIED FROM REPETITION.
THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES WHEN THEY READ THE SCRIPT
2:20 – HULK KIND OF CURIOUS HOW THEY GOING WRITE OUT MEGAN FOX IN NEXT ONE… AND BY KINDA CURIOUS HULK MEAN NOT AT ALL.
2:21 – HULK HEAR LINKIN PARK ON SOUNDTRACK!?!? IT ALMOST OVER?!?! REALLY!??!
2:21 – YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:22 – HULK LOVE HOW ALL THE LAST ACT WRAP UP ONE FIND IN NORMAL MOVIES JUST SQUEEZED INTO CREDIT SNIPPETS
2:22 – IT PROOF MICHAEL BAY JUST NOT GIVE A SHIT. THERE NOTHING LEFT TO EXPLODE.
ENDING THOUGHTS:
-WHAT A SHIT-PILE. EVERY SINGLE THING THAT WRONG WITH FIRST ONE = EXACERBATED… AND EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT FIRST ONE = REMOVED ENTIRELY
-HOW DID SPIELBERG PUT HIS NAME ON THIS?
-“SKIDZ + MUDFLAP: FROM THE DIRECTOR OF AMISTAD!”
-TO BE FAIR, HULK REMEMBER CONVERSATION WITH THE FALCON ABOUT SKIDZ + MUDFLAP AND FALCON ARGUE THAT MOST AFRICAN-AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE ABILITY TO SHRUG IT OFF AS “DUMB GANSTER STEREOTYPE” AND NOT TAKE AS PERSONAL INDICTMENT OF BLACK CULTURE AT LARGE… NOT BLACK PANTHER THOUGH. NO, THAT MAN WAS LIVID.
-HULK SWORE HULK NEVER SEE TRANSFORMERS 2. IN MOMENT OF WEAKNESS, (DIDN’T WANT TO GO OUT SEE ANOTHER MOVIE), LONLINESS (BETTY VISITING FAMILY), + DEPRESSION (THE LEADER ESCAPE AGAIN) HULK END UP DO IT… WHY? WHY!?!
-IN SOME WAYS PROCESS OF WRITING THIS = PRETTY CATHARTIC.
-BUT IN BETTER, MORE ACCURATE WAYS, HULK HAS WASTED HOURS OF HULKS LIFE.
THE HORROR
-THE MOST USED WORD ON THIS BLOG POST = “WHY”… HULK LAUGH
