SOME YEARS AGO, HULK HAVING CONVERSATION WITH OLD FRIEND AND HULK ASK HIM, “WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN WORLD?” HIS RESPONSE WONDERFUL:
“IT NOT JUST WHO BUT WHEN…”
AT THAT MOMENT HULK FULLY REALIZE THE SIGNIFICANT IMPORTANCE OF TIMING WHEN COMES TO PERSONS IDENTITY. EVEN IF SOME STARDUST NEVER FADE, HULK WONDER WHAT = THE TRUE VALUE TO MEETING SOMEONE IN THEIR TWILIGHT YEARS, WHEN JUST A SHADOW OF THEIR FORMER SELF? OR BEFORE THEY FAMOUS, WHERE THE VALUE SEEMINGLY NOTHING MORE THAN KITSCH? OR EVEN DURING THE EPIC CREST (READ: NADIR?) OF THEIR POPULARITY, WHEN THEY PROBABLY THEIR MOST DISTANCED AND LOADED WITH AIR OF INVINCIBILITY?
NO… HULK BELIEVE THAT OFTEN THE IDEAL TIMING THAT CUSP WHERE THE STAR IGNITING. WHEN THE PERSON’S FAME EXCITING AND NEW, ESPECIALLY TO THEM. WHERE THEY OVERCOME WITH BOTH THE HUMILITY OF THAT RESPONSIBILITY AND POSSIBLY EVEN EMBARRASSED BY IT. SAY WHAT WILL, IT CERTAINLY WHEN THEY MOST THANKFUL. AND EVER SINCE THAT FIRST CONVERSATION, HULK ALWAYS TRY TO REITERATE WHEN COME TO ANY SUCH LIST…
“IT NOT JUST WHO BUT WHEN…”
NOW, AS WRINKLE, THIS ONGOING SERIES OF PORTRAITS ONLY DEAL WOMEN OF THE LAST 75 YEARS OR SO; ONES WHO HULK CONSIDER TO BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND ALLURING WOMEN IN THE WOLD (PRETTY MUCH ALL ACTRESSES). HULK WELL AWARE THAT THE INTERWEBS CAN QUICKLY DESCEND INTO A GAME OF “OMG, SHE HOT! LET’S OGLE HER!” (IT USUALLY NOT SAID THAT NICELY) AND THEN WE FIND OUR-HULK-SELVES SKIRTING INTO OBJECTIFYING AND ULTIMATELY EVEN EXPLOITATIVE TERRITORY. PLEASE KNOW THAT THIS ANYTHING BUT HULK’S GOAL. HULK NOT WANT THIS SERIES BE VIEWED AS SEXIST IN SLIGHTEST. THE GOAL SIMPLY TO REFLECT ON MOMENTS ON TIME, GO OVER SOME FILM AND TELEVISION HISTORY, DISCUSS THE FLEETING NATURE OF FAME AND THE LASTING SENSE OF IMAGE, AND TO ENGAGE IN THE SUBJECT OF SEXUALITY IN FRANK TERMS, SPECIFICALLY IN TERMS OF MEDIA FORMS.
AND YES MOST OF IT WILL BE HULK SPEWING OUT ADORATION SO NO EXPECT MUCH STERILE CRITICISM, BUT THAT AT LEAST THE INTENTION IT COMING FROM.
“IT NOT JUST WHO BUT WHEN…”
…SO OF COURSE IT STARTS WITH RITA HAYWORTH.
AND HOW COULD IT NOT? MAYBE THERE JUST SOMETHING SO INHERENTLY WONDERFUL ABOUT GOLDEN AGE MOVIE STARS. THEY POSSESS SOME KIND OF MAGICAL SHINE THAT COME WITH THE DISTANCE AND MYSTERY OF BEING STAR IN THAT ERA. BUT RITA HAYWORTH NOT JUST ANOTHER MOVIE STAR. SHE WIDELY-CONSIDERED BE IN THE TOP FIVE STAR OF THE CLASSIC ERA, BUT SHE FAR AND AWAY HULK’S VOTE FOR MOST BEAUTIFUL AND DISTINCTIVE. SHE NO REALLY HAVE THE CHOPS OF THE OTHERS, BUT HER LOOK SIMPLY TRANSCENDENT+ AHEAD OF ITS TIME. BY HER THIRD MAJOR FILM SHE LEARN HOW HONE HER NATURAL PERSONALITY AND TRANSLATE IT TO HER PERFORMANCE, MUCH LIKE MARILYN WOULD DO LATER ON. THE KEY DIFFERENCE BEING THAT RITA’S SCREEN PRESENCE = EFFORTLESS. RITA PROJECTED THREE DIMENSIONS AND GLIDED ABOUT THE SCREEN WITH GUILE, WHERE MARILYN MORE SEEMED TO STOMP ABOUT, HIT HER MARKS, AND POSE ACCORDINGLY.
IF HULK PUT IT BLUNTLY, RITA COULD BE WATCHED AND INTERACTED, BUT MARILYN COULD ONLY BE LOOKED AT.
PERHAPS RITA’S NATURAL PRESENCE HAD SOMETHING DO WITH HER EXTENSIVE BACKGROUND IN DANCE. ADMITTEDLY, I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE ILLUSTRIOUS-BALLET-CAREER-AT-THE-MET-KIND-OF-BACKGROUND, BUT MORE THE SMOKEY NIGHTCLUB SORT. SHE DID HAVE FORMAL TRAINING FROM YOUTH AND PROFESSIONAL LATIN DANCE TRAINING; SHE NEVER WORKED ANYWHERE SCANDALOUS MIND YOU, BUT SHE DID WORK IN THE SORT OF HIGH-END NIGHTCLUBS WHERE SOMEONE WITH HER TALENT AND BEAUTY COULD RISE TO PROMINENCE WITHOUT NECESSARILY HAVING TO ENGAGE IN THE MORE SORDID ENDS OF THAT WORLD (LIKE SO MANY OTHERS DID). AND SO, HAYWORTH = ONE OF THESE PROMISING YOUNG DANCERS THE SHOW UP IN A HOST OF BACKGROUND DANCING ROLES AND B MOVIES.
THE FIRST BIG BREAK FOR RITA= ONLY ANGELS HAVE WINGS (1939) BY HOWARD HAWKS. GOING BY THE LOGIC DISCUSSED IN THE ITALICIZED INTRO ABOVE YOU WOULD EXPECT THIS TO BE THE OPTIMUM MOMENT TO MEET HER, BUT HULK DISAGREE WITH A CAVEAT: SHE WAS NOT RITA HAYWORTH YET. SHE STILL TOO ROUGH AROUND EDGES. AND HULK NOT NECESSARILY TALKING ABOUT HER EYEBROWS, WHICH WERE NO SHAPED INTO THEIR DEFINING ICONIC STATUS YET, CAUSE THAT WOULD BE… SHALLOW? BUT POINT = SHE REALLY NO LOOK LIKE OR ACT LIKE “RITA” YET. SHE JUST NEEDED LITTLE MORE OPPORTUNITY TO SEASON HER ON SCREEN PERSONA. OF COURSE, HULK COULD ALSO GO WITH GILDA(1948) AND THAT OH-SO-FAMOUS HAIR FLIP WHICH HAS DEFINED HER FOR DECADES, BUT THAT IT NO THAT EITHER.
FOR HULK, THE ANSWER EASY FOR WHEN RITA REALLY BECOME RITA. SHE DANCER, RIGHT? SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PAIR HER WITH FRED ASTAIRE?
MISTY-EYED, SMASH-WORTHY MAGIC THAT WHAT.
THE DANCE-LADEN LEGACY OF RITA HAYWORTH ALWAYS SEEM GET FORGOT IN THE WAKE OF GILDA-HAIR-FLIP, BUT FOR HULK SHE NEVER MORE AMAZING THEN WHEN SHE WAS TEAM UP WITH ASTAIRE IN YOU’LL NEVER GET RICH (1941). THE MOVIE NOT ALL THAT PERFECT… BUT THEY ARE.
IN A WAY, THAT ALL THAT MATTERS WHEN GO BACK AND WATCH IT TODAY. IT ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITES. EVEN THOUGH ASTAIRE IS FAMOUSLY LINKED TO GINGER ROGERS AS HIS CENTRAL DANCE PARTNER, HE ALWAYS SPOKE MOST FONDLY OF NO JUST HAYWORTH, BUT HER INFLUENCE ON HIM. THEY WERE ABLE USE A LOT OF HER LATIN INFLUENCES AND THEY WOULD THEN GO ON TO MAKE YOU WERE NEVER LOVELIER (1942) TOGETHER AS THEIR LAST COLLABORATION. DON’T BELIEVE ME THAT THEY WERE AN AMAZING PAIRING?
OKAY NOW CHECK THIS ONE OUT AS IT ACTUALLY SHOWS OFF THEIR MOVES.
IF YOU DOUBTED HOW AWESOME RITA HAYWORTH WAS, HULK NOW ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY. YES, SHE JUST TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH FRED DURING A LOT OF THE FAST STUFF, BUT COME ON… HOW SHE NOT AMAZING?
WHEN HULK THINK OF FAVORITE CLASSIC FILM ACTRESSES, HULK THINK OF HER.
WHEN HULK THINK OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE HULK THINK OF HER.
HOW COULD HULK NOT START THIS SERIES WITH RITA HAYWORTH?
… OF COURSE LIKE MOST STARS OF THE ERA, THERE BEHIND THE SCENES TROUBLES. UPS AND DOWNS. HEAVY DRINKING. ALL THAT STUFF. HONESTLY, HULK NOT ALL THAT INTERESTED IN THAT PART OF THE STORY. TO HULK THERE MERELY WHAT ON SCREEN AND WHAT ON SCREEN THE STUFF THAT KNOCKS HULK OUT. NOTHING ELSE NEEDED. AS FAR AS ENDS GO, RITA ENDED UP SUFFERING FROM ALZHEIMER’S THE LAST 5 YEARS OF HER LIFE. UGH. HULK WATCHED GRANDMOTHER-HULK DIE FROM ALZHEIMER’S AND HULK CAN TELL YOU THAT THE VERY THOUGHT OF THIS IS TRAGIC…
… BECAUSE NO ONE SHOULD EVER FORGET RITA HAYWORTH.
SOMETIMES PEOPLE ASK, “HULK, WHICH FILM CRITICS YOU LIKE?”
NATURALLY, THERE MANY. LIKE JUST ABOUT EVERYONE WHO LIKE MOVIE FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO IDOLIZE PAULINE KAEL. IN FACT, LITTLE HULK REMEMBER WHEN FIRST SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT WANTING BE INVOLVED IN MOVIES FOR REAL, MAMA HULK DUG OUT HER OLD COPIES OF NEW YORKER FROM ATTIC, SAT LITTLE HULK DOWN AND SAY “THEN READ THESE.” LIKEWISE, IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR LITTLE HULK TO IGNORE THE OMNIPRESENT SISKEL & EBERT, WHO BASICALLY DIAGRAM THE CONVERSATION OF FILM FOR MANY YOUNG CINEPHILES. ALSO, NOW-RETIRED BOSTON GLOBE CRITIC UNDOUBTEDLY SHAPE HULK’S EARLY SENSIBILITY (THIS PRE-INTERWEBS FOLKS. LOCAL NEWSPAPER CRITICS WERE DOMINANT VOICES). THEN THERE THE FILM SCHOOL YEARS WHERE HULK FINALLY GET THE GOOD STUFF: RAY CARNEY, THE OLD CAHIERS DU CINEMA STUFF, TARKOVSKY’S SCULPTING IN TIME, STOK’S KIESLOWSKI ON KIESLOWSKI, A WHOLE BUNCH AMAZING PROFESSORS, AND LOADS OTHERS ANALYSIS THAT GO FAR AND BEYOND WHAT HULK IMAGINE POSSIBLE.
TODAY, HULK WOULD TO POINT TO THE MUCH SOUGHT-AFTER ACCLAIMED MAINSTREAM VOICE, BUT THERE REALLY NOT SINGLE ONE. MAYBE EBERT, WHO UNDERWENT REMARKABLE LIFE + WRITING CHANGE POST-SURGERY. HE DOING SOME REALLY WONDERFUL THINGS, BUT THERE EQUALLY SOME WAYS HE OUT OF TOUCH WITH LOT OF GENRE STUFF SO IT MAKE HARD FOR HULK. AND ANTHONY LANE SEEMS GIVEN UP ON MOVIES IN FAVOR OF BEING BAD COMEDIAN (REALLY, HE READ LIKE PARODY OF THE NEW YORKER NOW). AS SUCH, THE CRITICAL SHIFT SEEM TURN TO THOSE WHO “BUILT” THE INTERNET (LIKE PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING ELSE). BUT IT STILL DIFFICULT SIFT THROUGH AND FIND VOICES THAT MATTER. SO IT LOGICAL THAT HULK WANT SHARE THE 3 STRONGEST CRITICS THAT HULK BEEN READING FOR YEARS.
ENJOY
(OH AND THIS NUMBERED AND EVERYTHING, BUT THEY IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)
THE INTERNET AGE = THE AGE OF “THIS THING SUCKS.”(1)
YET, THERE PERHAPS NO ONE MORE REFRESHING IN TERMS OF GENUINE, DIGNIFIED OPTIMISM THAN DREW MCWEENEY. SOME MAY RECALL HOW HE SPENT FIRST INTERNET LIFE AS “MORIARTY” OVER AT AINT IT COOL NEWS. AND IN DOING SO, HE HELP SHAPE THE INTERNET’S MOVIE CRITICISM LANDSCAPE AS WE KNOW IT. WHERE AICN’S POSTERBOY/FOUNDER HARRY KNOWLES DISPLAYS FREQUENT HYPERBOLE-LADEN ENTHUSIASM THAT BORDER ON COMICAL (THOUGH TO BE FAIR, PRETTY EARNEST), DREW MCWEENEY ALWAYS = THE MORE CAREFUL, DISCURSIVE, AND HIGHER-MINDED COUNTERPART. THE BYPRODUCT WAS WONDERFUL INFLUENCE ON THE READERSHIP; A SEEMING “HOW TO” GUIDE FOR THE FANBOY AUDIENCE TO GROW UP AND HAVE MORE ADULT VOICE. AND IT EVEN MORE FUN SEEING TRANSITION INTO FULL-FLEDGED WRITER.
NOW OVER AT HITFIX, DREW CARVE OUT ON OWN PLACE FOR HIS OPEN-MINDED, YET STUNNINGLY WIDE-RANGING COVERAGE. YES, HULK KEEP USING THIS “OPEN-MINDED” LANGUAGE IN DESCRIBING DREW, BUT IT JUST SO IMPORTANT. THE INTERNET CRITICS BIGGEST PROBLEM THAT THEY EITHER JUST WANT GUSH OVER SOMETHING THAT CONFIRM THEIR PRE-SET STANCE OR JUST WANTING TO SHIT ON PROPERTY THEY INCLINED NOT TO LIKE. AAAAAND SOME JUST RANT ON TOPICS THAT UPSET THEM IN BRUTAL FASHION.
BUT DREW SEEMINGLY NOT GO INTO ANY FILM SAYING “WHY SHOULD I DISMISS THIS?” BUT INSTEAD “WHAT CAN I TAKE AWAY FROM THIS?” HULK ARGUE IT HUGE DISTINCTION. IN AGE WHERE PEOPLE GO TO MOVIES LOOKING FOR RECONFIRMATION OF OWN VALUES/INTERESTS/DRUTHERS, DREW INSTEAD LOOK FOR THE VALUE IN EVERYTHING. AGAIN: OPEN-MINDED. THOUGHTFUL. CONSIDERATE. PATIENT.
AND FROM SOME BRIEF DEALINGS, HULK CAN ASSURE YOU THAT DREW THAT MOST IMPORTANT THING OF ALL… KIND.
HIGHLIGHTS: AT HITFIX DREW RUN GREAT PODCAST CALLED MOTION CAPTURED, WHERE HE OFTEN PLAY HIS GREAT “MOVIE GOD” GAME; WHICH FEATURE HIS ASKING GUEST WHICH OF TWO MOVIES THE GUEST WOULD EFFECTIVELY “KILL,” MEANING WIPE OUT FROM EXISTENCE (AND AS RESULT ALL OF THE MOVIE’S INFLUENCE TOO). HE SO GOOD ABOUT PICKING TWO FILMS THAT MAKE IT A SOPHIE’S CHOICE. FOR SUCH NICE GUY IT WONDERFULLY CRUEL GAME (AND TO BE FAIR, IT REALLY JUST BRILLIANT OF ASKING “WHAT KIND OF FILM DO YOU TRULY VALUE?”)
ALSO, ONE OF THINGS HULK LOVE = THE DEEPLY PERSONAL WITH WHICH HE VISIT FILM (THOUGH NEVER IN OVERBEARING WAY). WITH FILM NERD 2.0 DREW REVISIT CINEMA FAVORITES THROUGH THE EYES OF HIS TWO YOUNG SONS. IT REALLY WONDERFUL READ ESPECIALLY FOR FOLKS WITH KIDS TRYING TO NAVIGATE DIFFICULTIES OF WHAT CONTENT TO EXPOSE (AND WHEN). IT ESPECIALLY WONDERFUL TO SEE IN AGE WHERE EVERY ADULT-MINDED CRITIC SEEM BE DEMANDING CONTENT TO BE DARKER/MORE ADULT.
(1) OKAY THE “IT SUCKS” BEEN AROUND FOREVER, BUT NOW THE CRETINS SEEMINGLY EVERYWHERE AND CAN’T EVEN TYPE.
BEING CRITIC ABOUT HAVING A VOICE… AND IN THIS WORLD, DEVIN FARACI HAVE A TRULY DISTINCT, EXPANSIVE VOICE. NO, THAT NOT MEAN HE SOME LOUD-MOUTHED CRETIN WHO JUST OUT-SHOUTING EVERYONE. NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST. IT MEAN HE WONDERFULLY ENGAGING, THOUGHTFUL, UNCOMPROMISING, AND OFTEN HILARIOUS.
SINCE THIS THE INTERNET AND SOME FOLKS GET LITTLE TOUCHY/DEFENSIVE ABOUT THEY STUFF, DEVIN INFAMOUSLY CHARACTERIZED AS THE SORT OF REACTIONARY LOUD-MOUTH HULK JUST ALLUDE TO. HE PRESUMED TO CARRY ALL THESE NONSENSICAL VENDETTAS WITH CERTAIN FILMMAKERS (COUGH* JAMES CAMERON * COUGH). BUT NOTHING FURTHER FROM TRUTH. HE SIMPLY DOES NOT RALLY BEHIND GEEK PROPERTIES JUST FOR THE SAKE OF IT. WHEN CHALLENGED, HE CHALLENGE RIGHT BACK. HE NEVER AFRAID TO ANTAGONIZE, BUT HE NOT ANTAGONISTIC (MEANING IT NOT HIS INTENTION. A CRITICAL DIFFERENCE). HE SIMPLY HAVE OPINIONS AND EXPRESS THEM WITH ABJECT CLARITY. SADLY, CLARITY ONE OF THOSE SEVERELY UNDER-REPRESENTED QUALITIES IN WRITING TODAY.
DEVIN SPENT MANY WONDERFUL YEARS AT CHUD, AND NOW HE THE VOICE OF BADASS DIGEST, WHICH THE ASSOCIATED SITE OF THE CINE-MECCA-LIKE ALAMO DRAFT HOUSE IN TEXAS. BADASS DIGEST SITE ESPECIALLY FUN BECAUSE THERE SO MUCH ODDBALL, SUPER-POSITIVE CONTENT.
HIGHLIGHTS: DEVIN’S BEST QUALITY OFTEN THE ABILITY TO BE LAUGH OUT LOUD FUNNY. HE CAN DIVE INTO INCREDIBLY COMPLICATED + CEREBRAL SUBJECT MATTER THEN UNDERCUT THE SERIOUSNESS WITH A WELL-TIMED JOKE. THIS BRIEF NEWS ARTICLE FROM BACK IN THE DAY HULK’S FAVORITE EXAMPLE: http://www.chud.com/7723/lars-von-tries-horror/
ANOTHER THING HULK LIKE THAT DEVIN HAVE GREAT ABILITY TO CONVEY WHAT MAKE CERTAIN “BASE” MOVIES REALLY ENJOYABLE. HE NEVER INVOKE THE NONSENSICAL LOGIC OF “IT SO BAD IT GOOD!” BUT INSTEAD OPT FOR THAT PERFECT BALANCE CLARITY AND HUMOR. HULK’S FAVORITE EXAMPLE THIS TORQUE “GUILTY PLEASURE” REMEMBRANCE (#27 HALFWAY DOWN).
(NOTE: YOU MAY FIND IT REALLY WEIRD THAT HULK REMEMBERING ALL THESE MOMENTS AND LINES FROM ARTICLES WRITTEN YEARS AND YEARS AGO. HULK JUST HAVE ONE OF THOSE INSANE WRITTEN MEMORY THINGS… IT A BLESSING/CURSE… HULK COULD PROBABLY STILL PASS TESTS FROM HIGH SCHOOL AP CLASSES BUT SUBSEQUENTLY CANT EVER REMEMBER TO TAKE LAUNDRY OUT OF MACHINE. ANYCRAP… )
A GOOD CRITIC EXPANDS YOUR TASTE AND RATIONALE… OFTEN FURTHER THAN YOU THOUGHT POSSIBLE. DEVIN CAN REALLY DO THIS. HE HAVE GREAT SERIES BACK AT CHUD CALLED “CHUDSPLOITATION” WHICH EXAMINE THE MOST INSANE EXPLOITATION FILMS ALL TIME (WARNING: NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH) AND VERY CALMY EXPLAIN AND DELVE LEGITIMATELY INTO “WHAT COMPELLED THE FILMMAKER TO MAKE THIS?” AND EVEN WITH MOST DESPICABLE STUFF, DON’T TELL HULK IT NOT WORTH ASKING THAT QUESTION. BECAUSE ULTIMATELY THE FILM WAS MADE AND PEOPLE SAW IT. SO NOT HAVING SOMEONE DELVE INTO IT AND ADDRESS WHAT “IT” WAS ABOUT HULK THINK A MUCH LARGER SIN OF OMISSION.
AND LASTLY, PLEASE ENJOY THIS GREAT EXCERPT FROM RECENT FAST FIVE REVIEW:
He’s certainly more than a match for Diesel, who continues to turn into some kind of Gnome King or something. His head seems to be shrinking while his nose blossoms out and the thin layer of flesh holding in the hamburger helper with which he is stuffed seems tired and about to give up the ghost. All of Diesel’s lines sound like they’re coming through some kind of bass-heavy fuzzbox and the choices he makes in delivering them are baffling. I don’t know what kind of a movie he thinks he’s making. Still, as awful as he is on paper he’s arresting on screen, a sentient pork chop that occasionally drives cars. This is the ultimate niche for him, and hopefully he understands it. He is Dom, and Dom is he.
IT DELIGHT HULK TO READ MR. BEAKS ON AICN. THE SITE CERTAINLY RUN THE GAMUT IN TERMS OF READERSHIP (AND IT A FREAKING HUGE READERSHIP) BUT THERE JUST A WAY IN WHICH MR. BEAKS SO DISTINCTLY AGAINST THE GRAIN OF WHAT ONE IMAGINE TO BE THE TYPICAL AICN READER.
FOR ONE, YOU WILL NEVER HEAR BEAKS DESCRIBE A FILM AS A “BARREL FULL OF BLOWJOBS” (AT LEAST HULK THINK?) BUT INSTEAD YOU FIND PERHAPS ONE THE MOST CEREBRAL, WORLD-CINEMA-LOVING, LOQUACIOUS CRITICS ON INTERNET. FOR EVERY ASININE DISCUSSION OF TRANSFORMERS ON THAT SITE, YOU WILL ALSO FIND JEREMY POSTING YET ANOTHER LOVELY, THOUGHTFUL ARTICLE ABOUT [INSERT FOREIGN FILM YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE HEARD OF].
INDEED, MR. BEAKS TRULY ONE OF THOSE FILM SCHOLARS WITH AN INCREDIBLE BREADTH OF KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE MEDIUM. HE CONDUCTED COUNTLESS EXCELLENT INTERVIEWS IN WHICH HE CLEARLY IMPRESS INTERVIEWEE WITH SAID DEEP KNOWLEDGE. IN SIMPLE TERMS OF PURE CONTENT, BEAKS APPEAR TO BE SOME KIND STALWART DEFENDER OF THE HIGHER-MINDED POSSIBILITIES OF CINEMA AGAINST THE POPULIST INCLINATIONS OF THE MASSES. BEST YET, HIS INTEREST IN THOSE TOPICS NEVER FORCED, BUT FEEL PERFECTLY NATURAL.
AND THEN THERE HIS ACTUAL USE OF LANGUAGE. HULK CONSIDER MR. BEAKS ONE THOSE REAL CRITIC-POETS ONE SEE FROM TIME TO TIME. HE CONSTANTLY STRIVE FOR THE PERFECT SHORT-BURSTED DENSE BITS OF ELOQUENCE. AS NATURAL RESULT, AT TIMES HIS WRITING CAN COME OFF WEE-BIT PEDANTIC OR ESOTERIC… AND HONESTLY AT THE RARE + VERY WORST HULK HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHAT JEREMY TRYING SAY (AND NOT BE DICK OR ANYTHING, BUT AT THIS POINT IN HULK’S LIFE, IF HULK NO CAN UNDERSTAND INTENDED MEANING OF AUTHOR, THEN THAT NOT KNOCK ON HULK BUT KNOCK ON AUTHOR). BUT THOSE ABSURDLY SMALL PRICES TO PAY FOR THE FREQUENT GEMS. THERE JUST SOMETHING SO ADMIRABLE ABOUT SWINGING FOR THE FENCES WITH EVERY STATEMENT AND THOUGHT. AGAIN, IF BEAKS THE POET-CRITIC, THEN PERHAPS IT MAKE SENSE NO GET UBER-LITERAL ANYWAY. TO POSSIBLY CHARACTERIZE A CINEMATIC IDEAL IN THOSE ETHEREAL, UN-CONCRETE TERMS. IT ALLOW FOR THOSE IMPECCABLE TIMES WHEN JEREMY ABLE TO CLARIFY AN IDEA WITH LYRICAL, CRYSTALLINE WIT THAT JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE OUTRAGEOUSLY CAPITAL-T TRUE.
TO THE EXAMPLES!
ON TREME (VIA TWITTER): “First Episode of Treme feature everything I love and hate about the show. Great environment. Ham fisted drama. This is the show.”
ON “I AM LOVE”: “Shot and designed like a Sirk-ian melodrama, Wong effortlessly captures the longing and regret of a love affair briefly indulged and forever mourned.” AND, “This is a return to the type of pure cinema that’s anathema in this age of pure calculation; it’s about getting drunk on the potential of the medium, not betraying it for awards or box office. This is where Swinton lives.”
ON “IRREVERSIBLE”: “And if you think Noe is trying to impart some saintly Stanley Kramer bullshit about the futility of revenge, forget it: in IRREVERSIBLE, the whole shebang is predetermined because “time destroys everything”.”
OR CONSIDER THE CONCISE ENTIRETY OF HIS SUCKER PUNCH REVIEW. MANY REVIEWS SLOGGED THROUGH THE LOGICAL STEPS TO DISMISS THE COUNTLESS MISCALCULATIONS OF FILM, BUT ONLY BEAKS SEEMED TO DELICIOUSLY CUT THROUGH THE BULLSHIT (WITHOUT OUTRIGHT DISMISSING IT).
IF IT SEEM LIKE HULK SIMPLY PREDISPOSED TO LIKE BEAKS OR SOMETHING AND FOLLOW BLINDLY, YOU MISTAKEN. QUITE FRANKLY, HULK NEVER READ A CRITIC HULK DISAGREE WITH SO FREQUENTLY. BUT AGREEMENT UNGODLY-OVERRATED IN THIS BUSINESS. THOSE MYSTIFYING-TO-HULK OPINIONS (THERE VERY INTERESTING RIDLEY SCOTT CONVERSATION BE HAD ONE DAY) NOT = LACKING WORTH. HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHY THAT BELIEVE SO COMMON IN CRITICAL ADORATION.
THAT THE REAL POINT, RIGHT? TO ENGAGE AND BE CHALLENGED? TO EXPERIENCE SOMEONE’S WONDERFULLY INTERESTING POINT OF VIEW? AND ULTIMATELY BEAKS WONDERFULLY DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE PROVIDE JUST AS MANY CASES WHERE IT BENEFIT BOTH, LIKE ACKNOWLEDGING THE THE SECRET GENIUS OF PEYTON REED’S “BRING IT ON.” (HULK LOVE THAT FILM FOR ALL REASONS EXPRESSED).
AND PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANT, JEREMY SEEMS BE ONE OF FEW REMAINING FILM FANATIC/NBA DIE HARDS IN THE WORLD… MAYBE HULK JUST THINK WE NEED MORE THOSE.
HULK THINK “COMMUNITY” MUCH MORE THAN GREAT SHOW YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING, IT A CONCEPT THAT NEED MORE CREDENCE IN GENERAL. THE MORE ANY PLACE ACT LIKE A REAL COMMUNITY, THE BETTER FOR ALL… ESPECIALLY IN REGARDS TO THE INTERNET. READERS FORGET, WRITERS FORGET, AND EVEN HULK FORGET, BUT THE ONLINE FILM WORLD AT ITS CORE = A TRULY WONDERFUL PLACE.
HULK AND BETTY CHECK OUT BRIDESMAIDS LAST NIGHT. IT FANTASTIC.
HERE FIVE REASONS TO SEE IT.
1. IT IMPORTANT.
LOT ALREADY BEEN MADE OF THE “ALL WOMEN” CAST THING SO HULK GONNA KEEP IT SHORT. PLUS, IT JUST SO FREAKING DUMB THAT HULK HAVE TO DO THIS, BUT HULK LIVE IN AGE WHERE THIS KIND OF MOVIE SO FREAKING RARE THAT WE HAVE PUT BRIDESMAIDS ON A PEDESTAL, SHOUT FROM THE MOUNTAIN TOPS, AND GET THE WORLD TO NOTICE. IT A GREAT MOVIE STARRING WOMEN, ABOUT WOMEN, BUT NOT JUST ABOUT WOMEN.
AND IT JUST SO HAPPEN THE MOVIE EXCELLENT.
2. IT PERFECT VEHICLE FOR KRISTEN WIIG
SHE OFTEN RELEGATED TO S.N.L.’S SOMETIMES CRIPPLING CHARACTER-SYSTEM, SO WE NO HAD OPPORTUNITY TO SEE THE THINGS THAT MAKE HER SO BLISTERINGLY HUMAN. SHE PERFECT EVERYWOMAN WITH JUST RIGHT COMBINATION OF AWKWARDNESS, WELL-MEANING SOULFULNESS, AND SELF-DESTRUCTIVE INSTINCTS.
3. WE OWE PAUL FEIG
HE RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE OF THE BEST TV SHO- WAIT, SCRATCH THAT, THINGS EVER IN FREAKS AND GEEKS. SINCE THEN, HE NEVER QUITE HAD OPPORTUNITY TO EXPLORE THINGS THAT MAKE THAT SHOW SPECIAL (AND HONESTLY APATOW SEEMINGLY GET MOST OF CREDIT AS BEING MAIN VOICE BEHIND F+G. HE NOT. IT FEIG). AND NOW BRIDESMAIDS THE CLOSEST HE COME TO CAPTURING THAT WONDERFUL HUMAN PATHOS SET IN BIG BROAD COMEDY. AND HECK, ANYTHING THAT GIVE HIM MORE POWER TO DO WHAT WANT THEN HULK ALL FOR… AND THAT WOULD EVEN BE IF THE MOVIE SUCKED… AND AGAIN, IT FANTASTIC.
4. IT MELISSA MCCARTHY’S COMING OUT PARTY
SURE, IT THE KIND OF ROLE THAT WOULD ALLOW MANY SUCCEED, BUT THERE SOMETHING SO SPECIFIC TO MCCARTHY’S SHEER TYRANNY OF WILL THAT THE TERM “AUDACIOUS” FAIL DO JUSTICE. SHE GO FOR BEYOND BROKE. SHE GO FOR DESTITUTE. FOR FINANCIAL RUIN… AND SHE KILLS IT.
5. BECAUSE IT NOT “THE FEMALE HANGOVER”
NOTHING MAKE HULK SMASHY-ER THAN THIS COMPARISON. BECAUSE BRIDESMAIDS AN APATOW PRODUCTION AND EVEN THOUGH THERE OBVIOUS CROSSOVER IN “BROAD R RATED COMEDIES,” HULK ARGUE THAT APATOW AND PHILLIPS MAKE MOVIES FOR COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE. TODD PHILLIPS MAKE MOVIES FOR DUDEBROS. AND APATOW MAKE MOVIES FOR PEOPLE DUDEBROS USED TO BEAT UP. HULK REALIZE THIS A BIT UNFAIR AND THERE OBVIOUS CROSSOVER BETWEEN TWO, BUT IT JUST FEEL TRUE. BOTH TRYING MAKE YOU LAUGH FIRST, BUT PHILLIPS PERVASIVE ID JUST STRIVE FOR THE JOKE, COOLNESS, AND MALE FANTASY, WHILE APATOW CONSCIOUSLY STRIVE FOR THE UGLY HUMANITY (AND THIS ALSO TRUE OF APATOW’S MCKAY PROJECTS, WHERE THEY STRIVE FOR THE JOKE TO POINT OF ABSURDITY, WHICH MAKE IT SATIRE. AND IT SATIRE OF THINGS OFTEN AT FACE-VALUE IN PHILLIPS’ OEUVRE).
AND IT ESPECIALLY INSULTING BECAUSE THE HANGOVER JUST THE CONTINUATION OF PHILLIPS “I HAVE CRAZY WOMEN ISSUES,” WHERE HE TURN EVERY WOMAN INTO VACUOUS BITCH OR VACUOUS ORIFICE (WHICH HE OBVIOUSLY PREFER). SURE, BRIDESMAIDS NOT AFRAID GET “ORIFICE-Y” OR BANAL, BUT IT DO THROUGH SEVEN COMEDIC YET TOTALLY FLESH AND BLOOD VERSIONS OF WOMEN. IN HULK’S MIND, THE TWO DEPICTIONS COULD NO BE MORE CONTRARY.
AND FOR HULK’S SAKE, BECAUSE YOU SHOULD NO SOUR ON APATOW PRODUCTIONS. COMEDY TENDS GO IN WAVES. A CERTAIN PERSON SWELL, CREST, AND CRASH, THEN IT OVER. BUT SOMETIMES THAT HAVE NO BEARING ON QUALITY OF PRODUCT OR PERFORMANCE, JUST OUR SENSITIVITY TO THE STYLE. SO STAY WITH APATOW. HE ONE OF ONLY SEEMING FEW STRIVING TO BE EARNEST IN COMEDY WORLD.
AND BECAUSE IT NOT A FEMALE “VERSION” OF ANYTHING. IT ITS OWN THING.
AND IT FOR ALL OF US.
BONUS STUFF! – EVERYONE GOOD IN THE MOVIE. JON HAMM GET ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY BE HILARIOUS (IT SEEM HE SO CONSTANTLY EAGER PLAY “NOT DON DRAPER THAT HE ALSO GO FOR BROKE). HULK WISH ROSE BYRNE GET MORE CHANCE BE FUNNY (SHE SO GOOD IN GET HIM TO THE GREEK) BUT SHE PLAY HEAVY IN EXACT WAY FILM NEEDS. HULK WISH WENDI MCLENDON-COVEY AND ELLIE KEMPER GET MORE DO IN LAST ACT (AS IN ANYTHING) CAUSE THEY GREAT BEFORE THAT. TIM HEIDECKER SHOW UP AND DO NOTHING! WHICH KINDA HILARIOUS! HEIDECKER!
THE FOLLOWING A REAL CONVERSATION AMONG THE REAL-LIFE AVENGERS (THAT WOULD BE HULK, THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA, AND IRONMAN AKA TONY STARK) THAT TAKE PLACE OUTSIDE MOVIE THEATER AFTER A MIDNIGHT SCREENING OF “THOR.”
HULK: THANKS FOR GOING MOVIE GUYS! HULK KNOW IT LATE, BUT MIDNIGHT AUDIENCES ALWAYS THE BEST. SO WHAT YOU GUYS THINK? DID YOU LIKE IT?
TONY: Yeah, sure it was fine. [Tony looks over at a group of women watching our group. He smiles and turns back], Wait, why did we see it in 2D again?
HULK: COME ON STARK. YOU TECH GUY. IT POST-CONVERTED AND HONESTLY, HUMAN EYES NOT MEANT TO-
TONY: Blah, blah, hulk smash, blah. No one cares. Blondie what did you think? It was your life.
THOR: Me thinks it odd to see one’s life summarized as a tale of celluloid distortion.
TONY: Odd? Or flattering? I mean c’mon Magic Man you get to be the star. Or at least the aussie kid does.
THOR: One guesses that the film was indeed a somewhat accurate representation of Thor Odinson. At least a small version of this long journey I hath been on. But yes, I suppose the aussie gentlemen did do justice concerning mine story.
PICTURED: JUSTICE
HULK: HULK THOUGHT HEMSWORTH DO ADMIRABLE JOB. HE CERTAINLY EMBODY ALL THINGS WE CONSIDER TO BE THOR. IT WEIRD, THE SCENES OF SCRIPT CALL FOR LOT OR RANGE, BUT ODDLY NOT LOT ACTUAL DEVELOPMENT. HE GET TO SHOW LITTLE ARC OR DRAMA. HE SORT OF JUST IN DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL STATE EACH TIME DEPENDING ON NATURE OF SCENE. WHICH MAKE IT OBVIOUS SCRIPT PROBLEM. IT SORT OF REMIND HULK OF-
TONY: [eye roll] Ohhhhhkay enough of that, whaddaya think Cap?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I haven’t been to the movies since I saw “Meet Me In St. Louis.”
HULK: OOOH, 1944! SUCH GOOD YEAR FOR MOVIES! DOUBLE INDEMNITY, LAURA, GASLIGHT, ARSENIC AND-
CAPTAIN AMERICA: It was actually part of USO show, I didn’t make it to the talkies that much. Too busy defending the stars and stripes!
TONY: Please Hulk, can we talk about one movie without talking about 19 other movies we haven’t seen?
HULK: HULK SORRY.
TONY: Good, and for your information I found Thor to be pretty likable.
THOR: Thanks ole friend!
TONY: The movie, not you. You smell like Mead and feet. The movie meanwhile, does not. And it was a actually lot of fun. Not as fun as my movie, which I think everyone here can agree that it fucking rocked, but this was more traditional old-fashioned movie fun.
HULK: HULK AGREE. IT VERY LIKABLE, BUT YOU NO THINK IT… HULK DUNNO… A LITTLE SLIGHT?
THOR: What doe’st thou mean green man of wrath?
HULK: AGAIN, IT ENJOYABLE. EVERYONE INVOLVED CERTAINLY MEAN WELL AND GIVING FULL EFFORT. WHICH WORTH PRAISING. LIKE HULK SAID, HEMSWORTH DEFINITELY SHOW NECCESARY RANGE OF CHARACTER. AND HIDDLESTON PROBABLY HAVE BETTER LOOK AS LOKI, BUT THE PERFORMANCE TOTALLY APT. ONE OF MORE SYMPATHETIC VERSIONS OF LOKI HULK SEE/READ. AND PORTMAN NOT GET LOT SCREENTIME BUT SHE KNOW WHAT SHE NEED DO, WHICH IF HULK BE HONEST, IT JUST SEEM SMART AND PRETTY AND THAT BOUT IT. SKARSGAARD HAVE EVEN SMALLER PART, BUT HIS VERY PRESENCE LEND EXACTLY WHAT NEEDED OF ROLE, A NORDIC, VENERABLE ANCHOR IF WILL WHO CAN GO HIGHBROW/LOWBROW. AND HECK, IDRIS ELBA ALMOST STEAL MOVIE AND ALL HE DO JUST STAND THERE ALL BADASS AND GIVE A FEW PERFECTLY-TIMED BARBS. AND FINALLY, KAT DENNINGS JUST DELIGHTFUL AS AUDIENCE SURROGATE. EVERYTHING SHE DO OSCILLATE BETWEEN GENUINELY FUNNY AND ADORABLE.
[At this moment HULK receives a sharp look from Betty, who nearby chatting with Pepper and Peggy]
HULK: BUT UH, WHAT HULK SAYING, OH YEAH. MOST ALL, BRANAGH REALLY SEEM TO EMBRACE BIG SILLY NONSENSE OF A COSMIC MARVEL MOVIE. WHICH REALLY IMPORTANT BECAUSE THE WORLD OF ASGARD/THOR IN TRUTH JUST BIG SILLY NONSENSE.
THOR: Heyeth!
TONY: Oh c’mon wee odinson, you’re basically a cartoon.
HULK: RIGHT, BUT BRANAGH EMBRACE THAT ASPECT! IT WHAT MAKE THOR BOTH FUNNY AND HEROIC. THERE THIS REAL BEOWULF-IAN BRAVDO TO THE HERO. AND BRANAGH MIX THE CARTOONY-NESS NICELY INTO FISH-OUT-OF-WATER STORY, WHICH OBVIOUSLY ONE OF MOST CLICHE THING IN WORLD, BUT STILL TOTALLY WELL-EXECUTED AND FUN.
TONY: “I need a horse!”
THOR: Ha! Tis funny cos tis true. I doeth say things like that.
HULK: EXACTLY. TONY RIGHT. YOU WALKING CARTOON. BUT EVEN BETTER EXAMPLE HULK THINK = THE WONDERFULLY OVERWROUGHT ANTHONY HOPKINS. PEOPLE TEND THINK HE JUST CRUISING AT THIS POINT, WHICH TOTALLY TRUE, BUT HE ALSO JUST DOING HIS THING REALLY WELL. IT NOT HALF AS LAZY AS DENIRO. BETTER YET, HOPKINS KNOW EXACT WHAT MOVIE HE IN. HE JUST SO YELLY AND SEVERE AND BIG AND-
TONY: Shaaaaakesssppeeeeareee!!! [Shakes fist to the sky]
HULK: HULK LAUGH. RIGHT. IT ALL VERY BOMBASTIC AND VERY, VERY BRANAGH. HE REALLY GAVE THOR MOVIE THE INHERENT AND DUMB GRAVITAS IT NEEDED… WHICH MEAN IT ALL SORT OF LORD OR THE RINGS MINUS THE ACTUAL LYRICISM.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What’s a lord of the ring?
Tony: No Mordor talk. I’m not the biggest fan of rings of power. In any form.
HULK: IT DOESN’T MATTER… HULK MEAN… CAP, WHY YOU EVEN HANG OUT WITH US? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE TALKING ABOUT MOST TIME. YOU LIKE HULK’S GRANDPA.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I would hit you, but I don’t want to anger you further and kill the fine citizens all around us.
HULK: FINE. AND HULK WON’T TRICK YOU INTO WATCHING “THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE” AGAIN.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: [Shuddering in disgust] You live in unseemly times.
[HULK and TONY high five]
HULK: AND HULK ALSO HAPPY CAUSE IT HONESTLY, IT FUN TO ACTUALLY GET SEE MJOLNIR IN ACTION-
THOR: But you see the mighty hammer in action every night brother! [THOR holds up MJOLNIR!]
THIS THING
HULK: COME ON. YOU KNOW WHAT HULK MEAN. BASICALLY THE MOVIE ALL VERY EARNEST AND WELL-INTENTIONED. AND IT GET LOT MILEAGE OUT OF THAT. BUT HULK BE REMISS IF HULK NOT MENTION THAT THE SORT OF CAVALIER ATTITUDE CAN BE CHARMING, BUT ONLY FIRST VIEWING… SUBSEQUENT VIEWINGS MAY BE FAR LESS KIND.
THOR: Why doeth thou mean oh one of ill-fitting slacks?
HULK: DESPITE THE GOOD INTENTIONS, THE ENTIRE FILM OFF-SET BY THIS INATE HALF-BAKED QUALITY. HULK NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO JUST LABEL ALL THE WRITERS/PEOPLE BEHIND “THOR” IDIOTS. FAR FROM IT. HULK KNOW THAT FILMMAKERS LITERALLY SPEND YEARS THINKING ABOUT THESE PRODUCTIONS AND EVERY SINGLE CHOICE MADE. IT BOTHER HULK WHEN SOMETIMES AUDIENCE GO, “HOW THEY NEVER THINK OF SO-AND-SO!” BUT THEY WRONG. FILMMAKING ABOUT GETTING WHAT NEED AND MAKING TOUGH CHOICES AND SOMETIMES IT ABOUT CHOOSING WHAT “LOSES.” AND SOMETIMES A FILMMAKER CHOOSE WRONG THING EMPHASIZE IN GIVEN MOMENT.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: So why does he talk about movies so much again?
HULK: HULK TRYING EXPLAIN WHY A MOVIE THAT NOT LAZY OR “BAD” JUST FEEL SO INCOMPLETE, ESPECIALLY FOR PRODUCTION THAT SEEM VERY MUCH IN CONTROL. IT REALLY MAY BE SIMPLE CASE OF THEM CUTTING THE FILM DOWN FOR WRONG REASONS. FOR SUCH EPIC STORY, MAYBE IT REALLY NEED FEEL EPIC IN LENGTH. LIKE FILM JUST NEEDED MORE TIME FOR THE CHARACTER JOURNEY TO EQUAL SCALE OF THE APPARENT JOURNEY THEY WANTED TAKE.
TONY: It was an hour and 55 minutes. I ain’t sitting longer than than 2 hours for anything, unless it’s the world’s best blo-
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Mr. Stark! Language!
HULK: HULK REALLY WISHED IT LONGER. HULK WANTED THERE JUST TO SIMPLY BE MORE OF THOR COMING TO GRIPS WITH LIFE ON EARTH. THE MOVIE JUST: HE CAN NO PICK UP HIS HAMMER. LOKI SAY ODIN DADDY DEAD. AND BOOM. THOR HUMBLED. IT SO SLIGHT. AND MORE IMPORTANT THE LOVE STORY. HULK NEEDED MORE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. EVEN IF IT THE OH-SO-CLICHED “I NO LIKE HIM! NOW I LOVE HIM!” KIND OF THING. PORTMAN GREAT ACTRESS AND THERE JUST SO LITTLE TO DO BESIDES TALK ABOUT HOW DEVOTED SHE TO RESEARCH AND OGLE THOR.
THOR: Who wouldn’t want to ogle Thor, god of thunder?
TONY: Um, all the girls who go home with me instead?
THIS HAPPEN A LOT
HULK: HULK’S POINT THAT JANE SORT JUST LIKE AND TRUST HIM IMMEDIATELY. THERE NO REAL BUILDUP OF “WHY SHOULD I TRUST THIS PERSON?” IT JUST IMPLICIT. HULK MEAN THE OTHER CHARACTERS DON’T TRUST THOR SO IT THERE IN LARGER SENSE, BUT AS RESULT, JANE HAVE NO REAL JOURNEY.
THOR: Can we not speakth of the lady foster? It pain Thor Odinson to speak of such a tumultuous history.
HULK: AND THAT JUST THE CORE OF MOVIE. WHAT YOU GUYS THINK OF THE SHIELD STUFF?
ALL: [generic groans]
TONY: Those guys are such a pain in my dick.
THOR: They’re well-meaning guardians!
CAP: (softly, to self) I like shields.
HULK: ADMITTEDLY, HULK THINK IT JUST FUN SEE CLARK GREGG. HE SO GOOD IN WHAT COULD BE VERY BORING ROLE. BUT THE SHOEHORNED SHIELD STUFF ALMOST A GIVEN AT THIS POINT. AND HULK NOT GET THE POINT TO ALL THE SHIELD STUFF HONESTLY, CAUSE IT NOT LIKE IT REALLY CHARACTER BUILDING OR SETTING UP STUFF AUDIENCE NEED TO KNOW? WELL MAYBE FOR GREGG BUT HOW MUCH THAT TAKE? CERTAINLY NOT FOR FURY. AND WORST PART FURY SHOULD ACTUALLY BE FUN CHARACTER CAUSE HE HAVE PUT UP WITH US MORONS.
TONY: Yeah, that’s actually pretty true.
THOR: I amth pretty helpless out here.
CAP: (softly, to self) I like shields.
HULK: CAN HULK TALK ABOUT THAT CAMEO WITH HAWKEYE THAT CLEARLY FILMED AFTER THE FACT?
HAWKEYE [who just appeared out of, like, nowhere]: He guys, I was in the movie! Did you see it!
HULK: IT SO SUPERFLUOUS!
TONY: He’s always superfluous!
THOR: Go home!
[Hawkeye lowers his head in shame]
ALWAYS SUPERFLUOUS
HULK: I MEAN HULK REALLY EXCITED TO SEE THE “GRAB THE BOW” REVEAL BECAUSE HULK NOT KNOW IT COMING. THEN THEY JUST WHEEL HIM AIMLESSLY AROUND ON CRANE FOR NO REASON. AND IT GO ON FOR SO LONG. SHORTER WOULD HAVE MUCH MORE IMPACT… HULK ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR RENNER.
TONY: I hope your movie manages to do the Shield stuff much more organically.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I have a movie coming out?
HULK [IGNORING CAP]: YEAH. HULK THINK IT PROBABLY WORK BEST THERE. OOOOH, OOOH, HULK ALMOST FORGET. BEST STAN LEE CAMEO YET, RIGHT?
ALL: [POSITIVE NODS IN AGREEMENT]
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Actually, I do have a movie related comment now that I think of it!
[Silence.]
TONY: Really?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yeah, what was with the jap and the negro being norse gods?
ALL: [annoyed groans]
TONY: Goddamit Cap!
THOR: Yeah seriously, that isth fucked up.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What?!?
TONY: How many times do we have to tell you not to be stupidly racist? Like Tea-Party-Level racist. I mean, not only can you NOT do that anymore, you never should have in the first place.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Well sorry for being born near the turn of the century!
TONY: We already turned ANOTHER century you darwinian nightmare!
(awkward silence)
HULK: WHAT YOU ALL THINK OF THE DUTCH ANGLES. PRETTY CRAZY RIGHT? IT SO GLEEFULLY DUMP HULK ALMOST FIND IT CHARMING AFTER WHILE. IT REMINDED HULK OF-
TONY: All right this is pointless, let’s get the hell back to avengers HQ. I want some scotchy scotch.
HULK: BUT HULK LOVE TALKING AFTER MOVIES!
TONY: No. You like telling us why we’re wrong and yelling at me for falling asleep during “The New World.” I get it, you like movies, but you dropping an essay on us five minutes after seeing the movie isn’t a discussion. It makes us the chorus to your head0space. So c’mon guys let’s go.
HULK: FIVE MORE MINUTES?
TONY: No! Besides, I paid for all your tickets. Thor always shows up from Asgard and forgets to bring money. Cap’s whopping 2500 dollar lifesavings from the 1940’s doesn’t do him good in 2010. And Hulk, you’re as destitute as a Kansas City hooker.
HULK: HULK ALWAYS LOSE WALLET WHEN PUNY BANNER HULK-OUT!
TONY: No, last time you “Hulked-Out” you just went online and spent all your Avengers Stipend money on criterion collections.
HULK: THEY SO GOOD THOUGH! HULK JUST GET HAUSU!
YOU HEAR THAT? HAUSU!
TONY: Shut up! Why do I even hang out with you guys?! You’re all crazy people. That’s it. Me and happy aren’t even going back to HQ! PEPPER Get my briefcase-mark-whatever-suit ready, we’re going to Vegas.
HAWKEYE: I’ll go Tony!
ALL: Shut up!
HULK: LOOK, LOOK SORRY GUYS. HULK JUST WANTED TALK. IT IMPORTANT. THESE MOVIES REALLY AFFECT HOW PEOPLE FEEL AND THINK ABOUT US. WE THE AVENGERS. WE IMPORTANT AND STUFF. AND WITH THOR MOVIE, NO MATTER HOW ENJOYABLE AND EARNEST, IT STILL SLIGHT AND HALF-BAKED. HULK COULD TOTALLY UNDERSTAND SOMEONE SHRUGGING SHOULDERS TO IT, OR EVEN DISLIKING. HULK SURMISE, ONE’S ENJOYMENT OF HULK DEPEND HOW FORGIVING THEY ARE. AND IN THAT CASE, SOCIETY NEED HINDSIGHT, EVEN THOSE RANDOM VIEWS ON HBO YEARS LATER. SO, HULK WILL WAIT AND SEE. THOR EITHER BIG SILLY FUN OR BIG SILLY STUPIDITY. TIME TELL.
[HULK finally looks up from the ground. Everyone has now left. Save for Betty stands there, alone, still by the HULK’S side. HULK swells with emotion and looks back toward the ground]
HULK: SORRY… HULK JUST LIKE MOVIES.
Betty: It’s okay. I do too.
HULK: … GUESS HULK AND BETTY WALKING.
Betty: Yup, but not too high. I’ll barf.
HULK: OKAY. WHAT DID BETTY THINK OF FEMINIST IMPLICATIONS OF JANE’S SLIGHT ROLE IN MOVIE. I MEAN HULK-
Betty: I’ll tell you on the way.
HULK: OKAY.
[With one heave, HULK puts giant HULK arm around Betty and jumps off into the horizon]
LET GET THIS OUT OF WAY, HULK ONCE THE BIGGEST STAR WARS FAN EVER.
HULK GREW UP ON THE MOVIES. CHERISHED EVERY VIEWING. HULK PLAYED EVERY GAME, KNEW EVERY NAME OF SHIP, THEIR CLASS, AND DESIGNER. HULK KNEW EVERY BLASTER, CITY, PLANET, AND SYSTEM. YOU NAME IT, HULK KNEW IT. HULK PLAYED X-WING. TIE FIGHTER. X-WING VS. TIE FIGHTER. ALL THE REBEL ASSAULTS. EVERY DARK FORCES/JEDI KNIGHT. THE TERRIBLE MOVIE TIE-IN GAMES, THE LEGO SERIES. HULK EVEN READ BIG CHUNKS OF EXTENDED UNIVERSE (BUT RARELY ENJOYED). TO BOOT, HULK HAVE EXCELLENT LONG TERM MEMORY AND JUST AS HULK REMEMBER LOTS OF THIS USELESS DATA, IE HULK CAN RECITE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOSSK’S STANDARD RIFLE AND HIS CONCUSSION RIFLE FROM THE GAMES… YUP, IT THAT NERDY.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT BOND HULK WITH FATHER, BROTHER, AND FRIENDS AT SCHOOL. THERE BLOOD TIES TO THIS THING.
BUT NOW… HULK DONE.
IT TOOK A LOT FOR THIS HAPPEN: THREE ATROCIOUS PREQUEL MOVIES, WHICH HULK FIRST ATTEMPTED TO DEFEND OUT OF SOME KIND OF MOROSE SENSE OF HONOR. IT TAKE HUNDREDS OF ANGRY, ANGRY FANS GIVING HULK CRAP WHEN HULK TRY BRING UP EVEN THE SLIGHTEST NITPICK, FANS WHO NO UNDERSTAND A SINGLE CINEMATIC COMPONENT OF ANYTHING. IT TAKE TIME AND PERSPECTIVE. IT TAKE MATURATION. IT TAKE SOME ASSHOLE STEALING HULK’S 70’S/80’S ERA STAR WARS TOYS FROM THE HOUSE. IT TOOK THE LUCAS LICENSING FIRM TO GO FROM JUST BEING OPPORTUNISTIC TO OUTRIGHT GLUTTONOUS. IT TOOK THE WELL-CRAFTED PIONEERING NATURE OF LUCASARTS GAMING BECOME A RUSHED-PRODUCTION NIGHTMARE OF HALF-THOUGHT-OUT SHIT PILES. IT TOOK TERRIBLE TV SERIES, THREE FAMILY GUY PARODIES, THREE ROBOT CHICKEN PARODIES, AND APPROXIMATELY 40,000 INTERNET VIDEOS WHICH SHARE THE OCCASIONAL WELL-OBSERVED. BUT MOSTLY THE VIDEOS OPERATE AS SOME KIND OF NONSENSICAL AND INANE POP CULTURE MASH-UP… IT TAKE A VADER APPEARANCE IN NIGHT AT THE FUCKING MUSEUM 2.
EVERY BIT OF CLEVERNESS AND JOY HAVE BECOME NOTHING BUT A RECYCLING OR RECYCLING OF RECYCLING. HULK ENJOYED THESE BITS LESS AND LESS FREQUENTLY OVER TIME AND NOW THERE JUST NOTHING THERE. NO REACTION. HULK FIND NOTHING CUTE ABOUT ANY OF IT. HULK SEEN EVERY PARODY IMAGINABLE. IT JUST SEEM SO PAVLOVIAN, SO HOLLOW. LIKE THE SATURATION POINT = LONG SINCE PAST. FAMILIARITY INDEED BREED CONTEMPT… AND STAR WARS NOW BEYOND FAMILIAR. NOT JUST THE PROPERTY, BUT EVERY PERMUTATION, INTERPRETATION, OBSERVATION, AND JOKE.
SO HULK JUST DONE.
THE FEELING NOT NEW. HULK HAVE FRIENDS WHO REACH THAT POINT IN LAST FEW YEARS AND HULK ALWAYS DEFEND IN SOME WAY EVEN THOUGH HULK STARTED FEELING SAME WAY. HULK SAY “YEAH, IT SO TIRED NOW BUT PEOPLE STILL ENJOY IT. NO NEED CRAP ON IT!” HULK ALWAYS TRY TO HUMANIZE AND APPROXIMATE THE STAR WARS EXPERIENCE.
BUT TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPEN.
HULK FIND HULKSELF IN MIDST OF “STAR WARS DAY” … HULK FIND THIS ODD CAUSE HULK NEVER FREAKING HEARD OF IT BEFORE. AT FIRST HULK TRY GET THROUGH IT. HULK SEE A FEW CLEVER WELL-MEANING JOKES ONLINE. BUT ULTIMATELY HULK HAVE TURN OFF TWITTER, WHICH SUDDENLY ALIVE WITH STAR WARS NONSENSE. HULK BASICALLY SHUT OFF INTERNET AND JUST IGNORE WHAT MAKING HULK ANGRY…. REALLY… REALLY ANGRY.
WHEN HULK FINALLY START AFTERNOON WORK ROUTINE AND TURN ON ESPN… THEY ALL THERE… BOBA FETT… STORMTROOPERS… VADER.
HULK SMASHED TV AND HURL IT INTO HORIZON (READ: HULK JUST SWEAR LOUDLY AND SHUT IT OFF).
THIS NOT SOME TEMPERAMENTAL, A.D.D. REACTION. THIS NOT GETTING SICK OF SOMETHING IN SIX SECONDS. THIS NOT THE ENJOY-AND-DISPOSE CULTURE AT WORK. IT YEARS OF BUILDUP. WHAT HULK ONCE FELT STAUNCHLY DUTY-BOUND TO DEFEND, HULK NOW WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH.
STAR WARS ONCE SHINING LIGHT IN HULK’S LIFE. BUT IT GONE SUPERNOVA, EXTINGUISHED INTO NOTHINGNESS, REPLACED BY BLACK HOLE OF CULTURAL NADIR.
NOW IF EXCUSE, HULK GONNA START WATCHING DR. WHO NOW.
HULK WANT TALK ABOUT MASTERPIECES FOR A MOMENT IF YOU NO MIND.
FOR PHRASE THROWN AROUND LOT, IT SOMETHING NOT AS WELL-DEFINED AS SHOULD BE. SURE, WHEN SOMEONE SAY MASTERPIECE WE UNDERSTAND THE IMPLICATION; IT MEAN “BEST OF THE BEST” OR “TIMELESS” OR SOMETHING OF EQUAL MEASURE. BUT WHAT WE NO CAN AGREE ON = WHAT IT TAKE FOR MOVIE TO GET SUCH RAREFIED STATUS.
IN INTEREST OF UNDERSTANDING, HULK GOING ATTEMPT DEFINE MASTERPIECE AS FOLLOWING: A FILM THAT SEEK TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING (OFTEN VERY SPECIFIC) AND IT EXECUTE THAT GOAL (OR SET OF GOALS) FLAWLESSLY THROUGHOUT.
OK, THAT STILL LEAVE LOTS OF GRAY AREA. HULK WANT ILLUSTRATE BETTER. FOR EXAMPLE, PEOPLE MIGHT ARGUE “WELL, MICHAEL BAY JUST HAVE GOAL OF ENTERTAINING YOU AND THROW COOL ACTION ON SCREEN. ARE THEY MASTERPIECES TOO?” NO. NOT AT ALL. IF YOU SAY THAT THEN YOU AN IDIOT WHO TOTALLY MISSING POINT. THE GOAL CANNOT BE “MAKE YOU LAUGH A FEW TIMES” AND IT CAN NO BE “KEEP YOU OCCUPIED FOR 2 HOURS.” UNLIKE MICHAEL BAY MONSTROSITIES, AN AUDIENCE MEMBER CAN LOOK AT EVERY SCENE OF A MASTERPIECE AND SAY THIS SCENE DIRECTLY AIMING TOWARD ONE OF THE GOALS OF MOVIE AND THEN IT EXECUTE SAID GOAL BEAUTIFULLY.
IT CAN BE ANY GOAL REALLY: ESTABLISHING CHARACTER, MOTIVATION, PLOT, TONE, EVEN JUST PROVIDING A MOMENTARY THRILL (BUT OFTEN YOU NEED TO EXECUTE THAT OTHER STUFF TO GET PEOPLE TO CARE ABOUT THE THRILL). LOOK AT MOVIES WITH PERFECTLY TOLD PLOT ECONOMY, LIKE THE FRENCH CONNECTION OR ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN. LOOK AT CHARACTER PIECES LIKE CITIZEN KANE, WHICH PEEL BACK LAYERS TO SHOW THE COMPLETE PICTURE OF A TRAGIC HUMAN BEING. THEY CAN BE MASTERPIECES OF VISUAL AND LANDSCAPE STORYTELLING LIKE THE WORK OF TERENCE MALICK. OR LOOK AT TONAL MASTERPIECES LIKE 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, WHICH SHAPE A PICTURE OF HUMANITY IN THE COSMIC SCALE USING LARGELY SYMBOLIC MEANS. AND FOR SOME REASON, SOCIETY THINK MASTERPIECES CAN ONLY BE HIGH-BROW FARE. HULK CONSIDER SPIDER-MAN 2 JUST AS MUCH A MASTERPIECE AS ANY OF THOSE OTHER MOVIES. IT A FILM THAT BEST CAPTURE BOTH GOLDEN AGE SPIRIT OF COMICS, BUT ALSO THE THINGS COMICS ABOUT: HEROISM, DUTY, AND BALANCING LIFE AMIDST THOSE DIFFICULTIES. WE MAY TAKE THOSE CONCEPTS FOR GRANTED, BUT NO FILM DONE IT BETTER. AND THEN THERE ABSURD COMEDIES LIKE DUCK SOUP WHICH AIM AND SUCCEED IN PILING GAG AFTER GAG OF LAUGHS ON TOP OF ONE ANOTHER AT LUDICROUS PACE. THERE HORROR MOVIES LIKE HALLOWEEN AND LET THE RIGHT ONE IN WHICH DELIVER PERFECT FRAME AFTER FRAME OF QUIET, UNSETTLING ATMOSPHERE AND EVEN BETTER HORRIFIC CONCEPTS THAT KEEP AUDIENCE GOING LONG AFTER THE JUMP SCARES. ALL THESE MOVIES AIMING AT DIFFERENT THINGS, BUT ALL THESE MOVIES SUCCEED BRILLIANTLY. BETTER YET, THEY OFTEN TRANSCEND THE SHACKLES OF THEIR GENRE OR SIMPLE AIMS TO BECOME SOMETHING MORE. WE USE WORDS LIKE “CLASSICS” BUT WHAT WE REALLY SAYING IS THEY STRIKE DEEP INTO THE HEARTS OF THEIR AUDIENCE, NO MATTER HOW GENERAL OR SPECIFIC THAT AUDIENCE MAY BE.
IN OTHER WORDS, A MASTERPIECE HAS TO BE THE BEST POSSIBLE VERSION OF WHAT IT TRYING TO BE.
SO LET HULK GET DOWN TO IT: ATTACK THE BLOCK = A FUCKING MASTERPIECE.
THE POSTER PERHAPS NOT CONVEY THAT
*** NOTE: IF HULK HAD WORD LIMIT HULK WOULD TALK ABOUT ONE THING IN THIS FILM VERY SPECIFICALLY AND IT AT BOTTOM. AS MUCH AS HULK WANTED TO TALK ABOUT THIS ASPECT AND ONLY THIS ASPECT FOR WHAT MAKE THE FILM SO GREAT, IT REALLY MAKE MORE SENSE LOGICALLY TO END WITH IT… BUT STILL, THIS A LONG REVIEW AND HULK REALLY WANT YOU READ THE LAST PART MOST OF ALL. SO IF INTEREST WANING AT POINT IN THIS, SKIM TO BOTTOM TO WHERE YOU SEE THESE AGAIN *** THANKS – HULK.
BACK TO REVIEWING THE MASTERPIECE!
THE PLOT DESCRIPTION OF ATTACK THE BLOCK RATHER STRAIGHTFORWARD: FIVE URBAN YOUTHS FROM THE SOUTH LONDON PROJECTS DEFEND THEIR HOME WHEN ALIENS ATTACK FROM THE SKY. A FEW OF YOU MAY BE SHAKING YOUR HEADS. SERIOUSLY, HULK? YOU CALLING SOMETHING LIKE THAT A MASTERPIECE? YIKES.
FIRST OFF, YES.
SECOND OFF, HULK JUST SPEND GIANT PARAGRAPH EXPLAINING HOW ANY KIND OF FILM CAN BE MASTERPIECE SO YOU NOT REALLY LISTENING.
THIRD OFF, MOST EVERYONE ELSE HULK KNOW WHO SEEN IT HAD EXTREMELY POSITIVE REACTION TOO.
FOURTH OFF, IF IN VERY LEAST YOU JUST WANT A GOOD FUN/SCARY MOVIE THEN IT PLAY LIKE GANGBUSTERS.
FIFTH OFF, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY EMBRACE MORE GENRE STUFF. JUST SAYIN.
OKAY, BACK TO WHAT IMPORTANT. ATTACK THE BLOCK MAY BE TRYING TO SIMPLY MAKE EFFECTIVE “LOCALIZED INVASION” MOVIE, BUT IT DO SO ON A WHOLLY STUNNING LEVEL. FOR A SMALL BUDGET /SMALL LOCATION, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THE PRODUCTION FEEL LIMITED. THE CAMERA WORK REEK OF EXPERT CARE. IT GIVE GREAT SENSE OF GEOGRAPHY AND SPACING. AND ANY TINY BIT OF STYLIZATION ONLY DONE FOR MAXIMUM EMOTIONAL IMPACT. THE EDITING? RAZOR SHARP AND FOCUSED. EVERY CHASE BREATHLESS. EVERY ATTACK PULSE POUNDING. EVERY QUIET MOMENT = TENSION-FILLED. HECK, EVERY JOKE BETTER TIMED THEN IT WRITTEN (A MAGNIFICENT COMPLIMENT). IT ONE OF THE FEW PULPY MOVIES THAT UNDERSTAND TENSION > GORE AND ACT ACCORDINGLY. BUT AT TIMES WHEN GORE CALLED FOR, THEY PUNCTUATE SO THE IMPACT DEEPLY FELT IN CHARACTERS. AND THE SOUNDTRACK, GOOD GOD, THE SOUNDTRACK… IT ABSOLUTELY PROPULSIVE. IT NOT JUST COMPLIMENT TONE AND MOOD BUT CREATE THEM. IT HAVE THIS INESCAPABLE TEXTURE AND RHYTHM. IT ON THE LIST OF HANDFUL OF MOVIE SCORES THAT HULK WANTED TO FIND IMMEDIATELY AND BUY AFTER SEEING (OTHER RECENT EXAMPLES: ONCE, THE SOCIAL NETWORK).
NEEDLESS FOR HULK SAY, JOE CORNISH AND HIS TEAM TO BE COMMENDED FOR SOME TOP-FLIGHT FILMMAKING. HULK VERY EXCITED ABOUT THEIR FUTURE.
HULK EXPECTING SOME VERY GOOD MOVIES FROM THIS GUY
“TRUTH.”
AND DESPITE THIS ALL-CONSUMING PROFESSIONALISM THERE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HOMOGENIZED ABOUT ATTACK THE BLOCK. THESE ACTORS NEVER SEEN BEFORE. THEY, LIKE THE MOVIE, COMPLETELY EARNEST. IT ONLY HELP CEMENT WHAT FEEL DEEPLY ORIGINAL. CUE: THE GREAT LOOKING MONSTERS! THEY SOMETHING BETWEEN XENOMORPHS AND GORILLAS, ALL WITH WITH ONE DISTINCT, REOCCURRING VISUAL CUE THAT SO GOOD HULK NOT WANT TO SPOIL. LIKE THE MONSTERS, THE SETTING OF THE FILM VIBRANT AND FRESH, YET THERE NO INTEREST IN BEING MYOPIC. THE AUDIENCE GET UNDERSTAND THE WORLD OF THE FILM WITHIN MINUTES.
FUCK… THERE SO MANY GREAT ASPECTS TO THE FILM THAT HULK JUST GO ON LISTING. WHICH MAKE FOR KIND OF CRAPPY REVIEW SO HULK GOING TO STOP. IT ALL AMOUNT TO REALLY WELL-MADE FILM. SO LET’S TALK ABOUT THE STORY…
ACTUALLY, BEFORE DISCUSSING THE STORY, IT FIRST IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT BLACK CINEMA IN THIS COUNTRY… OR THE COMPLETE LACK THERE OF; FOR EVERY DAUGHTERS OF THE DUST OR DO THE RIGHT THING, THERE 1 AMISTAD, 15 SOUL FOODS, OR 37 TYLER PERRY MOVIES. THE MODERN BLACK FILMMAKING MOVEMENT HAD SO MUCH PROMISE IN EARLY 80S, BUT IT NEARLY AND COMPLETELY DISINTEGRATED. IT AMAZING TO HULK THAT SPIKE LEE GET SO MUCH CRAP WHEN HE SEEMINGLY THE ONLY ATTEMPTING TO PUT OUT CULTURALLY RELEVANT FILMS. THE TRUTH IS THAT AFRICAN-AMERICAN CINEMA (LIKE NEARLY ALL HOLLYWOODIZED CINEMAS) HAS BECOME A NAKEDLY PANDERING ECONOMIC ENTERPRISE. SEEMINGLY EVERY MOVIE INVOLVE OVERTLY SIMPLE FAMILY DRAMA WITH HAM-FISTED MESSAGES AND THIS WHOLE OVERT CHRISTIAN THING… LET BE PLAIN ABOUT THIS. THERE ONLY ONE GOAL TO THESE MOVIES AND IT TO GET AN ENTIRE AFRICAN-AMERICAN FAMILY IN THE THEATER TO WATCH IT. THIS NOT OVER STATING. HULK WORK ENOUGH YEARS IN MARKETING TO CONFIRM THIS NOT ONLY TRUE, BUT THE ONLY TRUTH OF “BLACK CINEMA.” HOLLYWOOD WILL NOT MAKE AFRICAN AMERICAN FILMS UNLESS THEY AIMED AT WHAT THEY CALL THE “AFTER-CHURCH FAMILIES.”
WHY NOT? BECAUSE THAT THEY ONLY THING THAT CAN MAKE ENOUGH MONEY AS A “BLACK ONLY” AUDIENCE. AND ALSO BECAUSE AFRICAN-AMERICAN FAMILIES GO TO THE FREAKING MOVIES TOO. THEY SEE GENRE STUFF. THEY SEE COMIC BOOK MOVIES AND HORROR MOVIES. HATE TO BREAK IT TO THE ASSUMPTIVE WHITE FOLK BUT THEY SEE THE KINGS SPEECH TOO. THEY SEE EVERYTHING WE SEE. WHY? BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS. SADLY, BECAUSE OF THIS OBVIOUS FACT, NO MARKETING EXEC WILLING TO TAKE A CHANCE ON HAVING RACIALLY DIVERSE CAST SO NO ONE ITCHING TO MAKE SOMETHING MAINSTREAM THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE PERCEIVED AS A “BLACK FILM” UNLESS IT STAR WILL SMITH (AND AGAIN, THIS DUE TO FACT THEY DIG THEMSELVES IN WHOLE BY MAKING PANDERING FILMS AIMED SQUARELY AT AFTER CHURCH AFRICAN-AMERICAN FAMILIES)… AFRICAN-AMERICAN CINEMA IN DIRE STRAIGHTS RIGHT NOW.
AND IT MAKE ATTACK THE BLOCK SO FUCKING REFRESHING.
LET PUT THIS IN PERSPECTIVE: 1) THIS FILM STAR FIVE, YOUNG BLACK LEADS. 2) IN A MOVIE THAT BEING MARKETED TO BLACK AND WHITE AUDIENCES ALIKE. 3) IT HAVE NO INTEREST IN HAM-FISTED “RACISM IS BAD!” MESSAGES WITH THAT PARTICULAR AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL CANDOR AND 4) IT FULLY EMBRACE THE CULTURAL URBAN IMPRINT, WHILE TRANSCENDING THAT IMPRINT ALL TOGETHER TO BECOME SOMETHING MORE.
WELL GOD DAMN IF THAT AIN’T A FUCKING MIRACLE. HELL, ONE OF ONLY OTHER MOVIE HULK CAN THING OF LIKE THAT = SPIKE LEE’S INSIDE MAN.
SPIKE LEE MADE EXECUTING A HEIST FILM WITH PESONALITY LOOK SO FUCKING EASY IT KEEP HULK UP AT NIGHT
SO YEAH, ATTACK THE BLOCK TAKE PLACE IN LONDON, BUT SUCKS TO THAT. THIS ALL ENCOMPASSING URBAN LIFE STUFF. IT COULD JUST AS EASILY BE ANY CITY IN THE USA. MORE TO THE POINT, EACH OF THESE YOUNG LEAD HAVE UNIQUE VOICE, PERSPECTIVE AND HUMOR. THEY ARE VIVID. THEY ARE REAL. AND THEY EXIST IN A WORLD FAMILIAR TO MANY OTHER CHARACTERS WE RECOGNIZE MORE EASILY: THE LILY WHITE DO-GOODER. THE STONER. THE WHITE RICH KID SLUMMING FOR DRUGS. ONLY JUST LIKE OUR LEADS, THESE MORE FAMILIAR CHARACTERS ALSO SHOWCASE A NICE LIVED-IN SHADE OF GRAY. AND SINCE THIS A MOVIE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT, THE CHARACTERS ALL LEARN TO EXIST AND SHARE BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE THE DIGNITY TO DO SO IN A WELL-OBSERVED, ORGANIC WAY… THE KEY DIFFERENCE BEING THEY DO SO AMIDST SOME FUCKING INSANE ALIEN INVASION SHIT. BUT THIS NOT LIKE THAT SUBPLOT FROM VOLCANO WITH THE RACIST POLICE OFFICER (REMEMBER THAT? IT ALWAYS TAKES HULK’S PROVERBIAL CAKE AS THE “MOST SHOEHORNED RACISM PLOT IN AN OTHERWISE COMPLETELY FORGETTABLE SUMMER MOVIE”). NO FOLKS, THIS SO MUCH MORE DIGNIFIED. JOE CORNISH KNOWS HOW TO CONVEY THESE BITS OF CHARACTER STORY AND DEVELOPMENT IN BITE-SIZE ECONOMY… PERHAPS THE ONLY COMPLAINT HULK COULD RECOGNIZE = SOMEONE FEELING LIKE THIS DEVELOPMENT TOO BITE-SIZED. SURE IT NEVER, EVER BECOME DIDACTIC OR CLOYING, BUT IT CERTAINLY DIRECT WITH WHAT IT SAYING AT TIMES… BUT, KNOW WHAT? HULK RECOGNIZE WHY THAT SO. THIS AN ALIEN INVASION MOVIE AFTER ALL. LETTING THINGS PLAY OUT MORE WOULD ONLY TAKE THE AIR OUT OF THE TENSION. SO CORNISH KNOWS THE LITTLE MOMENTS AND EXCHANGES AMIDST THE CHASES AND MONSTERS AND MAYHEM WORK BEST (HE DOES COME FROM THE EDGAR WRIGHT SCHOOL). AND WHAT MATTER IF THE BITE-SIZED STUFF COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY LEGIT? YUP…
… THIS IS AN ALIEN INVASION MOVIE BY WAY THE WIRE.
“BELIEVE.”
ALL THIS SECRETLY AMUSE HULK, KNOWING THAT SUPER 8 COMING OUT SOON, WHICH BY ALL ACCOUNTS SEEM TO BE AMBLIN-AIMED, E.T. MEETS GOONIES FARE. HULK HAVEN’T SEEN AND WHO KNOWS, THE FILM COULD BE QUITE GOOD… BUT ATTACK THE BLOCK SEEM LIKE EVERYTHING THAT SUPER 8 WANTS TO BE AND MUCH, MUCH MORE.
AT LEAST PEOPLE WILL SEE OUR MASSIVELY MARKETED MOVIE
***OKAY NOW FOR WHAT MOST SPECIAL OF ALL: ATTACK THE BLOCK DONE SOMETHING THAT HULK CAN NO REMEMBER A SINGLE OTHER FILM.
IT GOT MOSES RIGHT.
TO CLARIFY, HULK NOT TALKING ABOUT THE COMMANDMENT GUY, BUT INSTEAD THE LEAD CHARACTER OF ATTACK THE BLOCK AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, THE KIND OF CHARACTER HE IS AND WHY IT SO IMPORTANT.
HULK NOTICING THAT SOME FOLKS SORT NOT REALLY GETTING WHAT MAKE MOSES GREAT. THEY CERTAINLY GET THE FEELING AND UNDERCURRENT OF WHAT OCCUR (IT SO WONDERFULLY ENGAGING IT HARD NOT TO), BUT THE COLLECTIVE SUMMARY OF MOSES’ CHARACTER’S JOURNEY SEEM TO BE MORE OF A “HE TAKING RESPONSIBILITY NOW!” KIND OF THING… AND THAT TOTALLY FAIR BECAUSE HULK NOT ENTIRELY SURE IT OBVIOUS:
MOSES IS AND ALWAYS WAS THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WOULD RISK HIS LIFE FOR SOMEONE ELSE. AND IN REAL LIFE, THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE EXTREMELY COMPLICATED.
LET’S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT. MOST SCREENWRITERS HAVE A PRETTY SHITTY CONCEPT OF HOW HEROES WORK.
1) MOST OF THE TIMES THE AUDIENCE IS TREATED TO AN ENDLESSLY REGURGITATED JOSEPH CAMPBELL VERSION, WITH THE SAME PAINT BY NUMBERS ANSWERING THE CALL BULLSHIT WE SEE TIME AND TIME AGAIN. HULK TOO THOUGHT IT A NOBEL CONCEPT ONCE… IN 8TH GRADE. ANYONE WHO CITES THAT STUFF AS GOOD STORYTELLING HAS TO TAKE SCREENWRITING 102 NOW. YES, IT A HANDY ARCHETYPE AND UNDERCURRENT OF ALL HEROES (EVEN MOSES), BUT SOLE DEPENDENCE ON IT FOR STORYTELLING WILL RENDER ANYTHING YOU TRYING TO DO COMPLETELY ROTE AND POINTLESS. STAY AWAY WRITERS. STAY AWAY.
2) MOST REAL LIFE HEROES ARE ALPHA PERSONALITIES. MOST SCREENWRITERS ARE BETA PERSONALITIES. A.K.A. PEOPLE WHO POSSIBLY SPENT THEIR FORMATIVE YEARS BEING TERRORIZED BY ALPHA PERSONALITIES.
TO COMBAT THIS OBVIOUS PROBLEM HEROES ARE WRITTEN BY BETA PERSONALITES IN SEVERAL WAYS:
A) THE BETA BECOMES THE PASSIVE HERO, WHO MEANT TO REFLECT DECENCY AND EVENTUALLY GET THE GIRL JUST BY BEING DECENT GUY! (HINT: THIS ACTUALLY NOT HOW IT WORKS AND SAID HERO WHO THINK THEY DECENT GUY NOT ACTUALLY A DECENT GUY. JUST UNDERDEVELOPED AND LIKELY WILL TURN INTO BITTER ASSHOLE ONCE THEY ENCOUNTER THE TERRIFYING EQUALITY OF ADULTHOOD). OH AND ALL THE WHILE THEY TERRORIZED BY IDIOTIC ALPHA PERSONALITY VILLAINS. THEY WILL LIKELY BE RICH OR FOOTBALL PLAYERS. HULK JUST DESCRIBED 99% OF 80S MOVIES. MOVING ON…
B) THE BETA IMAGINES A HERO NOT BASED ON HEROIC QUALITIES BUT INSTEAD JUST THE ANTITHESIS OF ALL THEIR WEAKNESSES. PERFECT EXAMPLE? JAMES BOND. THE IMPOSSIBLY SUAVE GUN-TOTING LADY-FUCKER EXTRAORDINAIRE WHO NEARLY NEED TO SLAP A GIRLS BUT TO SHOW HER WHAT’S WHAT… HULK KNOW LOTS ABOUT BOND. AND NEEDLESS TO SAY THERE PROBLEMS WITH THE CONCEPT.
C) IGNORE ALL THIS AND CREATE YOUR HERO CENTERED AROUND A LARGER SOCIAL CONCEPT. IT CAN BE ANYTHING FROM FEMALE EMPOWERMENT TO CIVIL RIGHTS TO WHATEVER. POPULAR IN COMICS, DISNEY FILMS, BLAXPLOITATION AND OTHER STUFF.
AND D) THE MUCH MORE INTERESTING AND SUCCESSFUL RECENT SOLUTION HAS BEEN THE ADVANCEMENT OF THE MODERN ANTI-HERO. AT BEST THEY REPRESENT THE HUMANE AND UN-PERFECT QUALITY OF THE SEMI-HEROIC FIGURE THE AUDIENCE INVESTS IN… AT WORST THEY REFLECT THE BETA WRITER’S OWN SHORTCOMINGS, BUT WITH BETTER LINES THEY WISH THEY SAID IN REAL LIFE AND A FORCED AUDIENCE TO ROOT FOR THEM… HULK PRETTY SURE WOODY ALLEN IS THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER DID THIS WELL (BTW, HULK KNOW A LOT ABOUT ALPHA AND BETA PERSONALITIES. WHY? CAUSE HULK THE FUCKING HULK. HE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS BANNER/BIG GREEN GUY SHIT FOR LIFE. SO HULK GOT IT DOWN).
BUT WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT? THERE’S ACTUALLY THAT RARE ANSWER E)… ONE SO IMPOSSIBLY RARE HULK CAN ONLY ACCOUNT THE HANDFUL OF TIMES HULK SEEN IT.
THE ACTUAL, REAL HERO.
WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR YOU TO PICK UP A GUN, SWORD, WHATEVER THE HELL, AND RUN OUT IN FRONT TO DEFEND YOUR FRIENDS? TO LEGITIMATELY SACRIFICE YOURSELF.
… THINK ABOUT IT.
IT SOMETHING PEOPLE SEE TIME AND TIME AGAIN IN MOVIES AND YET IT SOMETHING WE NEVER REALLY QUESTION WITH OUR OWN LIVES. WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR YOU TO DEFEND YOUR FRIENDS? THE MOST OBVIOUS EXAMPLE IS THE MILITARY. GRANTED, THE MILITARY AND THE REASONS FOR JOINING OFTEN PAINTED IN ROSES. IN BRUTAL HONESTY, LOTS JOIN BECAUSE THEY WANT TO KILL STUFF, IT WAS FORCED ON THEM, OR MOST OFTEN THEY JUST NEED THE MONEY. BUT LOST IN THESE CYNICAL REASONS ARE THE THOUSANDS OF MEN AND WOMEN FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE WHO JOIN TO CONTRIBUTE TO SOMETHING BIGGER THAN THEMSELVES. IT’S HEADY, HONORABLE STUFF. SOMETHING THAT THE POSH, LIBERALLY MINDED WORLD OF HULK AND EVERYONE ELSE FORGET. SACRIFICE = REAL. BUT IF OFTEN TAKE A FLAWED, INTERESTING, AND DEEPLY WOUNDED KIND OF PERSONALITY TO GET TO THAT PLACE OF SACRIFICE. IT RARELY A WHOLLY NOBLE PURSUIT.
AND HULK HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT YOU ALSO MEET A LOT OF THESE HEROIC PERSONALITIES IN INNER CITIES.
AND OFTEN THEY IN GANGS.
THIS ALL SOUND VERY COUNTER INTUITIVE HULK KNOW, BUT HEAR HULK OUT. THERE ARE INNER CITY ALPHA MALES BUILT UP AROUND POMP, CIRCUMSTANCE, AND POSTURE (THIS ALPHA MALE WELL REPRESENTED BY THE LEAD, BAD DRUG CHARACTER IN THE FILM). THE OTHER ALPHA MALE IS EQUALLY COMPLICATED. BUT THEIR PERCEIVED STRENGTH COMES NOT FROM FEAR, BUT SURVIVAL INSTINCT. THAT BECAUSE THIS KIND OF ALPHA MALE OFTEN BROKEN BY HOME LIFE. THEY ARE OFTEN ABUSED. AS SUCH, THEY WILL LIKELY BULLY OUTSIDERS. THEY WILL OFTEN GET INTO SELLING DRUGS. THEY DON’T HAVE THE SOCIAL TOOLS FOR EDUCATION AND SCHOOL. THEIR PAIN OFTEN BROUGHT ON THEMSELVES AS MUCH AS IT IS DEALT TO THEM. IT CYCLICAL.
BUT IN THAT NEED TO SURVIVE, THEY WILL BE WHOLLY TERRITORIAL. THEY WILL DEFEND THEIR FRIENDS TO THE DEATH. AND THEY WILL DO SO IN THE MOST HEROIC TERMS THAT TOTALLY INCONCEIVABLE TO YOU AND HULK. THEY WILL DEAL WITH ADULT CONCEPTS OF RESPONSIBILITY OFTEN BY AGE 8 OR 9. THEY TAKE THE WEAKER UNDER THEIR WING. THEY WILL POSSESS A STRENGTH AND A WILL SO BEYOND WHAT WE HAVE AS TO ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS SOLDIERLY; ONE THAT IS OFTEN UNCHECKED, UNREGULATED, AND UNCARED FOR AS TO RENDER THE VERY CONCEPT OF SUCH A PERSON TO BE TERRIFYING.
THEY ARE THE HEROIC ALPHA MALE, JUST NOT WHAT WE ENVISION. THEY ARE THE MOST EXTREME VERSION OF THE SAME PSYCHOLOGY THAT CAUSE SOMEONE TO JOIN THE FIRE DEPARTMENT OR THE ARMY… IT JUST IN THE HAZE OF TRUE, HORRIBLE PEOPLE THAT GET INVOLVED IN THE INNER CITY NIGHTMARE, WE OFTEN HAVE HARD TIME SEEING THE GOOD PEOPLE WHO JUST DOING BAD THINGS.
WHY HULK KNOW ALL THIS SHIT? WHY HULK FEEL SO STRONGLY ABOUT IT? HULK’S FAMILY SPENT THEIR LIFE DEALING WITH IT. IT THE SUBJECT OF MAMA AND PAPA HULK’S LIFE WORK. HULK KNEW DOZENS OF MOSES’ (MOSII?). THEY IN EVERY CITY, ALMOST EVERY GROUP OF FRIENDS LIKE THIS. THEY NOT UNDESERVING OF OUR ATTENTION OR OUR COMPASSION. THEY OFTEN DO ALL KINDS OF WRONG, BUT THEIR PLIGHT FUCKING MATTERS. THEY MAY NOT GIVE A SINGLE SHIT ABOUT YOU, OR I, OR ANYONE WHO TRY TO HELP THEM. BUT THEY WILL MAKE A FAMILY IN THEIR MIND. AND THEY WILL PROTECT IT TO THE DAY THEY DAY. WHICH WILL LIKELY BE AT A VERY YOUNG AGE.
AND HULK SITTING HERE, RACKING BRAIN, TRYING TO THINK OF ANOTHER MOVIE THAT UNDERSTAND THE MOSES’ OF THE WORLD (THERE PROBABLY ONE. IN TELEVISION THERE THE CHARACTER OF MICHAEL FROM THE WIRE… THAT ALL HULK GOT). AND WHY THEY MATTER MORE THAN ANYTHING TO PEOPLE OF THE COMMUNITY. HULK LOOK BACK AT ATTACK THE BLOCK AND IT BRINGS TEARS TO HULK’S EYES. TRULY. IT SOUND IMPOSSIBLY DUMB, BUT HULK SWEAR. IT NOT DUMB. THE MOVIE AND CHARACTER OF MOSES COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THE WORLD AND PSYCHOLOGY THEY TALKING ABOUT. JOE CORNISH BRILLIANTLY USE THE OUTWARD ALIEN THREAT THEY EXPLORE THE HEART AND STRANGE HEROISM OF THESE CONCEPTS. AND THE YOUNG ACTOR, JOHN BOYEGA SO TOTALLY BRING HIM TO LIFE. HE HAVE THIS AMAZING STOIC SCREEN PRESENCE THAT JUST GRAB YOU.
SO WHY THE STRANGE TITLE ATTACK THE BLOCK? BECAUSE THIS A FILM ABOUT TERRITORY. AND TERRITORY BEST MEANS “HOME” AND “COMMUNITY” IN THIS CASE; BEST EXPLORED THROUGH THAT SINGLE, AMAZING CHARACTER.
HULK SIMPLY CANNOT BELIEVE SOMEONE MADE A MOVIE ABOUT MOSES.
HULK PRETTY GOOD AT AVOIDING MOVIES HULK KNOW WILL MAKE HULK WANT SMASH. BUT THROUGH CIRCUMSTANCE, HULK HAVE WATCH EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE OTHER NIGHT…. IT SO ENRAGING HULK HAVE GO TO DESERT FOR SOME TANK-TOSSIN’ JUST TO BLOW OFF STEAM… BUT NOW, HULK FINALLY READY TALK ABOUT IT.
YOU MAY EXPECT HULK SIMPLY TEAR APART A FILM THAT SEEM LIKE FROU-FROU NONSENSE ON OUTSIDE. THAT NOT WHAT YOU GOING GET THOUGH . HULK WORK HULK’S ASS OFF ON THIS SO YOU GOING TO GET A FOUR-PART, 7000+ WORD TREATISE ON SELF-DELUSION, SELFISHNESS, THE TRUE VALIDITY OF MENTAL HEALTH, FEMINISM, AND WESTERN MALAPROPISM.
ENJOY!
FIRST, A FEW THINGS CONSIDER:
1) HULK NOT AGAINST “CHICK FLICKS.” HULK EVEN FIND THAT TERM REASONABLY OFFENSIVE. MANY PEOPLE CONFUSE THE LOW QUALITY AND PANDERING NATURE OF RECENT HOLLYWOOD ENTRIES WITH THE ACTUAL POTENTIAL QUALITY OF THE GENRE. THAT BIG MISTAKE. IN HULK’S VIEW, THERE SIMPLY GOOD MOVIES AND BAD MOVIES. HULK NOT CARE ABOUT GENRE OR INTENDED AUDIENCE. SO EAT PRAY LOVE = MOVIE ABOUT FEMININITY AND PERSONAL ENLIGHTENMENT? SURE, PERFECT! IT TOPIC NOT EXPLORED ENOUGH IN MOVIES, SO SIGN HULK UP! BUT HULK’S EVENTUAL PROBLEM WITH EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE ACTUAL CONVEYING OF SAID MESSAGE/SOLUTIONS/THEME AND NOT MESSAGE/SOLUTIONS/THEME ITSELF.
2) HULK NOT HATE JULIA ROBERTS. SHE BELOVED FIGURE FOR REASON. SHE ALWAYS CHARMING. AND IN RECENT YEARS SHE EVEN BECOME DECENT-TO-PRETTY-GOOD ACTRESS… BUT EVEN SHE NO SAVE THIS PIECE OF SHIT.
THIS MOVIE AWESOME THOUGH
3) WHAT REALLY ODD THE MOVIE ITSELF NOT BADLY MADE. IT ACTUALLY FAIRLY WELL-REALIZED AND MARK MAJOR STEP FORWARD FOR DIRECTOR RYAN MURPHY.
IN SENSE THAT MOST OF HIS PREVIOUS WORK JUST TERRIBLE
THE PROBLEM THAT WHAT BEING WELL-REALIZED IN FILM = GARBAGE. THIS GET INTO PROBLEMATIC ARGUMENT OF “WHAT FILM ABOUT” VS. “HOW IT ABOUT” BUT HULK FEEL LIKE THE THEMATIC SUBTEXT OF EAT, PRAY, LOVE SO PUSHED INTO REALM OF “TEXT” IN FILM THAT IMPOSSIBLE TO SEPARATE THEME FROM THE STORY. HERE THEY ONE IN SAME. SO HULK FEEL THE “WHAT IT ABOUT” = MORE THAN FAIR GAME.
4) ALL PROBLEMS STEM BACK TO THE BOOK WRITTEN BY ELIZABETH GILBERT. HULK REALIZE HULK NOT KNOW ELIZABETH GILBERT. HULK REALIZE HULK COULD TOTALLY BE WRONG ABOUT ANY AND ALL ASSUMPTIONS MADE HERE. HULK JUST SEE HOLLYWOOD MOVIE WITH HER “VOICE” AND CHARACTER BASED ON HER HULK READ HALF HER TERRIBLE BOOK BEFORE HULK COULD TAKE NO MORE. HULK WENT BACK AND READ ALL HER ARTICLE. BUT THAT ALL HULK CAN KNOW BOUT HER. HULK KNOW THIS LIMITATION AND ACCEPT IT. BUT CANNOT HULK DEDUCE FROM EVIDENCE OF WHAT SHOWN/READ? REALLY, THAT ALL HULK DOING DESPITE INTENSITY OF HULK’S REACTION (HULK CAN’T HELP BE INTENSE. HULK = HULK). POINT IS, HULK FULLY REALIZE THIS NOT BE ALL END ALL OF DISCUSSION. IT JUST STARTING POINT… BUT IT A STRONG ONE:
SO HERE HULK’S CONCLUSION AFTER WATCH/READ EAT, PRAY, LOVE AND DOING TONS RESEARCH:
“ELIZABETH GILBERT”, BOTH THE CHARACTER AND THE PERSON, SEEM BE A HORRIBLY SELF-CENTERED PERSON. THIS SELF-CENTERED-NESS CRIPPLING. SHE HAVE NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF HOW NOT BE SELF-CENTERED DESPITE IT BEING HER VERY GOAL. SHE A WOMAN WHO TOOK COMPLICATED-YET-FAIRLY-COMMON RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS AND DECIDE BEST COURSE OF ACTION = CHEAT, GLOSS OVER SAID CHEATING, AND THEN ACT LIKE SHE THE ONE WHO BEEN RUINED WITHOUT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HER OWN BADNESS OR WHAT SHE DONE. AND IN TRYING TO DIG DEEP IN SPIRITUAL JOURNEY, SHE NEVER ACTUALLY DIG DEEP AND ADDRESS COMPLETELY OBVIOUS ISSUES AT PLAY AND INSTEAD OFFER ONE-NOTE, OBVIOUS, AND WHOLLY CLASSIST WAYS TO MERELY SIDE-STEP ISSUES THAT EVERYONE FACE INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY BEING FUCKING USEFUL.
SORRY… THAT HARSH, BUT THAT THE ESSENCE OF HULK’S ARGUMENT… NOW LET HULK ILLUSTRATE FURTHER.
PICTURED: THE PROBLEM
PART ONE: THE PROBLEM
MOVIES NEED DRIVING FORCE THAT PROPEL NARRATIVE. CHARACTERS NEED REASON TO BE DOING WHAT THEY DOING. IN ACTION FILMS IT CAN BE AS ELEMENTARY AS “ESCAPE!”,”GET THAT THING!”, OR “HELP!” AND EVEN THOUGH THAT SIMPLE IT ACTUALLY ACCEPTABLE BECAUSE AT LEAST IT MAKE SENSE.
MEANWHILE, THE NARRATIVE OF EAT, PRAY, LOVE … WELL, IT ACTUALLY ABSENT. THE MOVIE LARGELY IN-CONGRUENT. STRUCTURALLY, IT END UP REALLY BEING SERIES OF VIGNETTES; LITTLE LIFE LESSONS AND PECULIAR LITTLE INSIGHTS OFFERED UP AS “DEVELOPMENT.” NOW, THERE ACTUALLY MANY EXAMPLES OF MOVIE THAT ACCOMPLISH THIS STRUCTURE. MOST OBVIOUS EXAMPLE = THE CLASSIC FILM ANNIE HALL, BUT THAT FILM WORK BECAUSE OF STRENGTH OF CHARACTERS AND STRONG COMIC VIEWPOINT. BY THAT HULK MEAN THAT AUDIENCE UNDERSTAND THE MOTIVE AND VIEWPOINT OF CHARACTERS IN ALL THOSE MOMENT DESPITE THE MOMENT BEING PRETTY RANDOM. THESE KIND OF “VIGNETTE-BASED” MOVIE WORK WHEN THEY HAVE THAT CRUCIAL UNDERSTANDING, WHEN IT HAVE A BACKBONE.
THE PRESUMED BACKBONE OF EAT, PRAY, LOVE (BOTH FILM/BOOK) PREDICATED ON THE GOAL TO ESTABLISH SELF-WORTH. HULK FIRST WANT STATE THIS NOT TERRIBLE IDEA FOR BACKBONE OF MOVIE/BOOK. THERE INNUMERABLE NUMBER OF PEOPLE THAT COMBAT DEPRESSION AND HAVE ISSUE OF SELF-WORTH. LIKE ANYONE WITH CONFLICT, THEY NEED HELP. THEY NEED ADVICE. THEY NEED GUIDANCE. AND ELIZABETH GILBERT POSITION HERSELF AS SOMEONE WHO CAN OFFER THAT. WHY? BECAUSE SHE SOMEONE WHO NEEDED IT TOO.
HERE THE PROBLEM: ELIZABETH GILBERT NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE… BUT SHE THINK SHE IS.
IN FICTION IT CALLED A PROBLEM OF A “UNRELIABLE NARRATOR.” IN SOMETHING NON-FICTION-Y LIKE THIS, IT INVOKE A PROFOUND LACK OF HONESTY WHEN HONESTY MOST IMPORTANT THING TO OFFER. HULK NOT DISPUTING ACTUAL FACTS OF BOOK/FILM (THOUGH SOME REMAIN SUSPECT). IT JUST HULK SEVERELY DISTRUST THE VIEWPOINT OF THESE EVENTS.
PICTURED: UNTRUSTWORTHY PERSON
ELIZABETH GILBERT SEEM BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WITH EVERYTHING: SUCCESS, MONEY, PRESTIGE, AND HAPPINESS… YET SHE FRAME A REALITY OF HER LIFE THAT = PERPETUAL VICTIM-HOOD AND DIFFICULTY. NOW, YES THE PROBLEMS = VERY REAL TO ELIZABETH GILBERT. THIS THE VERY DEFINITION OF DEPRESSION. BUT THAT THE PROBLEM, IT SO OBVIOUSLY NOT TO US. IT SUCH A CANYON-LIKE DISCONNECT. NOW IF THE BOOK/MOVIE MORE ABOUT HER BATTLE WITH SELF-CREATED DEPRESSION, THE OVERWHELMING EMOTION SHE FEEL, AND HOW COMBAT SELF-CREATED DEPRESSION IN A WORLD THAT CANNOT SEE IT? WELL, THEN THIS BE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT BLOG-POST. THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE SOMETHING TO BE COMMENDED. BUT THAT NOT WHAT EAT, PRAY, LOVE ABOUT AND THAT WHY IT FAIL. ULTIMATELY, SHE ONLY TACKLING SURFACE PROBLEM WITH SURFACE ANSWER AND NOT GET TO ROOT OF HER DELUSIONAL DEPRESSION. THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT DISTINCTION IN WORLD.
INSTEAD, GILBERT SEEMINGLY HAVE NO ABILITY TO ARTICULATE THE REALITY OF HER DEPRESSION BEYOND THE EXTREME DESCRIPTIONS THE PUSH READER AWAY. WORSE, SHE GIVE VAGUE WORDING TO THE ORIGINS OF EACH PROBLEM THAT MAKE EVERYTHING SEEM LIKE SOCIETAL PROBLEM, NOT HERS. IT FULL OF ALL THOSE ROTE REFERENCES TO “WHITE-PICKETT FENCES” AND HOW THINGS “SUPPOSED” BE, ETC. IT THE SAME SHIT ONE SEE IN VAST NUMBER OF “BLAME UPPER-CLASS SUBURBANISM” BOOKS/MOVIES AND ALL JUST SO DAMN JUVENILE. ONLY THIS BOOK/MOVIE ABOUT HER AS RICH NYC ELITE, WHICH TURN IT FROM TIRESOME TO DOWNRIGHT INSUFFERABLE. GILBERT ACTUALLY MAKER HER CONFLICT AN OUTWARD THING… A ME VS. THE WORLD THING….WHICH ANYONE WHO KNOW FIRST THING ABOUT DEPRESSION, KNOW THIS AN ISOLATING MENTALITY THAT MAKE DEPRESSION WORSE (THE EVENTUAL SOLUTIONS OF CONNECTIONS GILBERT OFFER, ACTUALLY FLEETING TOO, BUT HULK GET TO THAT LATER).
"IM SO DEPRESSED. ITS YOUR FAULT!"
THE QUEST FOR SELF-WORTH IN EAT, PRAY, LOVE ACTUALLY DO HAVE GENESIS STORY. IN TERRIBLY CONVOLUTED FASHION WE PRESENTED TO A “REALITY” IN WHICH GILBERT IN TERRIBLE, DEPRESSED MARRIAGE WITH PERSON WHO NOT “GET HER” WHATSOEVER. THE PROBLEM = WE RARELY SEE ANYTHING THAT REALLY SHOWCASE THIS. IT MORE JUST LIKE “HE DOES THINGS THAT GET ON MY NERVES SOMETIMES” OR “HE DOESN’T DO WHAT I WANT HIM TO DO SOMETIMES”… SERIOUSLY THAT IT. FOR MOST PART, HE CARING/FUN INTERESTING GUY SHE ONCE LOVE VERY MUCH. BUT SOMEHOW WE JUST SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE “MY MARRIAGE WAS AWFUL AND MAKING ME SUICIDAL.” IT MAKE NO SENSE TO READER/VIEWER WHATSOEVER. ALL WE SEE JUST A MARRIAGE THAT NOT 100% PERFECT. IT ONLY 90% PERFECT OR SOMETHING.
SO HER SOLUTION?
SHE CHEAT ON HIM, BREAK HIS HEART, THEN PRETEND LIKE SHE THE VICTIM AND HAVE TO SPEND ALL HER MONEY SO HE NOT GET ANY OF IT IN THE DIVORCE… NOW OFF TO ENLIGHTENMENT! OH AND IN THE MIDDLE SHE HAVE ANOTHER RANDOM RELATIONSHIP WITH ACTOR THROWN IN THERE (THE ONE SHE OBVIOUSLY CHEAT WITH BUT NOT ADMIT FOR SOME REASON) AND THE REASONS FOR THAT BREAK UP EVEN MORE CONVOLUTED.
TO BE FAIR IF THIS ACTOR LOOK ANYTHING LIKE JAMES FRANCO EVEN HULK WOULD GET IN ON THAT
THERE THOSE OF YOU SAYING, “WAIT, WHAT!??!?!?!?”
YES DEAR READER, THAT THE ACCURATE SUMMARY OF WHAT HAPPEN. AND IN BOTH BOOK/MOVIE IT PRESENTED SO QUICKLY AND NONSENSICALLY AS TO BE TERRIBLY CONFUSING. NOTHING ABOUT IT MAKE SENSE. SO IF WE HAVE TO TRUST MOVIE IN “THESE THE MOTIVES/INTERESTS OF MY CHARACTERS’ SENSE THEN THE BACKBONE IS LOST. ALL HULK GIVEN = UGLY, BANAL PLATITUDES OF RELATIONSHIP SENTIMENT. THINGS LIKE “WE FELL OUT OF LOVE”/ETC. ALL STUFF COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE WITH WHAT WHAT PRESENTED. WE SIMPLY TOLD TO TRUST HER VERSION OF STORY… HULK CALLING SHENANIGANS.
LOOK, THERE PLENTY OF GREAT LEGIT STORIES ABOUT THE SUBJECT OF LOVE COMING UNDONE AND HOW WE BUILD SELVES BACK UP. RELATIONSHIPS INCREDIBLY UNIQUE AND INFINITELY COMPLEX, AND HULK NEVER BEGRUDGE IT WITH OVER-SIMPLIFICATION… BUT GILBERT GIVE AN ODDLY SELF-CENTERED AND DOWNRIGHT STRANGE ACCOUNT OF HER STORY. AGAIN, SHE FRAME IT LIKE SHE THE VICTIM WHEN A) THE SOURCE OF DEPRESSION SELF-CREATED AND B) SHE THE ONE DOING SERIOUS DAMAGE TO PEOPLE. LATER ON SHE SORT OF ADMIT TO “HURTING PEOPLE” BUT THAT REALLY AS DEEP AS IT GO. SHE COMPLETELY GLOSS OVER HER OBVIOUS AFFAIR (HULK MEAN, REALLY, HUSBAND GETTING ALL THE SETTLEMENT IN DIVORCE? IT TAKE MAJOR THINGS FOR MAN TO GET THE SETTLEMENT… HULK NOT ARGUING MERITS OF THIS AND PLEASE NO THINK THIS MEANT AS SEXIST STATEMENT WHATSOEVER, JUST IN HULK’S RESEARCH IT JUST THE COMMON REALITY OF HOW THESE THINGS TEND GO. AND THEN THERE HER MEAN-SPIRITED “I HAVE TO SPEND MONEY SO MY INCREDIBLY HURT HUSBAND NOT GET IT THING. WHICH, AGAIN, SHE TREAT LIKE SHE THE VICTIM… FUCKING BIZARRE.
DEEP DOWN, THERE SOME PART OF GILBERT THAT TERRIBLY AWARE OF WHAT SHE DOING. SHE MAKE ALL THESE VAGUE ATTEMPTS WHERE SHE TRYING SAY SHE A JERK WHO NEED TO FIX HERSELF, THAT SHE DO HORRIBLE THINGS TO PEOPLE AND SHOULD ACKNOWLEDGE THAT… BUT SHE NEVER GET THERE… EVER. IT FEEL ALL SO AIMLESS.
WHICH MEAN HER CHARACTER JOURNEY, NO MATTER WHICH WISE OLD MAN IMPARTED HER WITH WISDOM, OR GREAT FRIEND SHE MAKE (OFTEN TEMPORARILY), AND NO MATTER WHICH “TRUE-FEELING” CONCLUSIONS SHE MAKE… IT INEVITABLY AND EQUALLY AIMLESS.
PICTURED: THE CURE TO YOUR CRIPPLING CHEMICAL DEPRESSION!
HULK ARGUE THAT THE REASON THE MOVIE DISCONNECT WITH SO MANY PEOPLE. THAT THE REASON CRITICS HATE IT EVEN THOUGH BY ALL ACCOUNTS THE FILM-MAKING (OR “GLOSS”) PRETTY DECENT. IT THERE JUST NO RATIONAL MOTIVATION FOR ANY PART OF HER QUEST. IT FRAMED LIKE ALL THE THINGS THAT SEEM LIKE THIS KIND OF STORY: A DIVORCE. A QUEST FOR SELF EXAMINATION AND HAPPINESS. THE ACTUAL “WHAT” MAKE SENSE TO EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY TO ALL PEOPLE HAVE DEAL THESE KIND PROBLEMS BEFORE… BUT IT REALLY AN EMPTY RUSE.
MAKE IT A COMPLETELY DISHONEST AND BULLSHIT RUSE.
ELIZABETH GILBERT SEEM LIKE INTELLIGENT PERSON IN PROSE OF EAT, PRAY, LOVE (HER EARLIER WORKS NOT SO MUCH). HER WRITING CLEAR AND ARTICULATE, BUT, AGAIN, HER RATIONALIZATION AND VERSION OF HER OWN STORY REEK OF NONSENSE. SHE SEEM LIKE KIND OF PERSON WHO SO INTELLIGENT IN SOME WAYS THAT SHE CAN REASON HERSELF INTO ANY CONCLUSION THAT FITS HER IMPULSES. HULK WATCH IT ALL THE TIME. BRIGHT PEOPLE WHO CAN FIGURE OUT A LOGISTICAL WAY BE AWFUL PEOPLE; PEOPLE WHO CAN INTELLECTUALLY JUSTIFY THEIR OWN ARROGANCE.
COUGH* DR. STRANGE *COUGH
IT ALSO THE PSYCHOLOGICAL CASE IN MANY WEALTHY DRUG ADDICTS, WHITE-COLLAR CRIMINALS, AND, WELL, LAWYERS IN GENERAL (HULK KID, HULK KID… SORT OF). AND IN GILBERT’S CASE IT NOT SO EXTREME. SHE NOT A DRUG ADDICT (THAT WE KNOW OF), BUT SHE FIND A NUMBER OF WELL-ARGUED REASONS TO BE MEGALOMANIAC BENT ON QUEST FOR SELF-HELP.
IT EQUIVALENT OF SAYING: “THE WORLD IS TELLING ME I’M SELFISH AND DESPONDENT, SO I’M GOING TO GO ON SPIRITUAL QUEST THAT JUST MAKES ME MORE SELFISH AND DESPONDENT.”
IT NO MISTAKE SHE KEEP SAYING IN FILM/BOOK THE THIS JOURNEY SHE ON “THE GETAWAY.” HULK ARGUE THOSE WORDS SUBCONSCIOUSLY VERY IMPORTANT. THIS NOT SPIRITUAL REBUILDING. EMOTIONALLY SPEAKING, THIS A WOMAN DRIVING IN A GETAWAY CAR AFTER COMMITTING A CRIME.
NOT THE WAY TO START ENLIGHTENMENT.
PICTURED: THE CURE FOR DEPRESSION OM NOM NOM
PART TWO: THE TEXT ITSELF
SO LET HULK NOW TALK ABOUT THE ACTUAL CONCLUSIONS AND LIFE LESSONS CONVEYED IN BOOK/FILM. HULK GOING TO SPLIT INTO INHERENT PROBLEMS WITH GILBERT’S DISPOSITION AND THEN PROBLEMS WITH SPECIFIC SOLUTIONS IN AND OF THEMSELVES.
INHERENT PROBLEMS:
I). HULK ARGUE GILBERT’S DODGY NATURE CONCERNING THE ROOT OF HER ACTUAL PROBLEMS = THE SAME THING THAT CAUSE THE “SOLUTIONS” TO LACK EFFECTIVENESS. THE SOLUTIONS CAN’T PRESENTED INHERENTLY EMPTY.
II). THE BIG ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM FOR HER SPIRITUAL QUEST? SHE GETTING PAID TO DO IT. SHE GOT AN ADVANCE AND TONS OF HER EXPENSES COVERED. NOW, THIS VERY TRICKY AREA AND HULK NOT GOING TO ASSUME MORE THAN HULK SHOULD. BUT IT EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING THAT CAN 1) CAUSE AUTHOR ON SPIRITUAL QUEST TO CREATE FICTIONAL PROBLEMS FOR SAKE OF NARRATIVE. AND 2) INHERENTLY UNDERMINES THE ESSENTIALLY “PURITY” OF HER GOAL. IT’S A JOB, INSTEAD OF SOMETHING “SHE HAD TO DO.” SO JUST KEEP IN BACK OF MIND. AFTER ALL, A QUEST FOR SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT CAN NO BE A PROP.
III). SO MUCH OF THE QUEST ABOUT SEARCH FOR LASTING PERMANENCE IN HER LIFE (SHE TEND TO BE ALL OVER PLACE IN CASE YOU NO NOTICE). BUT BOTH HER APPROACH AND ACTUAL CONNECTIONS IN THIS JOURNEY REEK OF IMPERMANENCE. SHE MAKE CONNECTION WITH PERSON OR BREAKTHROUGH OF AN IDEA… THEN SHE LEAVE. EVERY TIME IT HAPPEN, SHE LEAVE. SHE ALWAYS OFF TO NEXT THING AND RARELY DO THE CONNECTIONS STICK TOGETHER BEYOND “THIS HAPPENED TO ME” (AND VERY OFTEN THESE LEARNING MOMENTS INVOLVED HER IMPARTING SOME TWO-BIT WISDOM… WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY THE POINT OF A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY… UGH). IT JUST SO OBVIOUSLY FLEETING. AND HULK KNOW THIS POINT MERELY TANGENTIAL, BUT HULK BELIEVE PERSONAL GROWTH ALWAYS ABOUT HOW WE RESPOND TO WHEN DEALING WITH CONSTANTS, IT EASY TO “CHANGE” IN THE FACE OF VARIABLES. BUT BASICALLY THE SPEED OF THE NARRATIVE IN BOOK/MOVIE ONLY HELP SOLIDIFY THE HOLLOWNESS.
IV). HULK JUST LOVE THAT” EAT, PRAY, LOVE” WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, ACTUALLY A SERIES OF COMMANDS. YEAH IT NOT EXACTLY SEEM LIKE COMMANDS, BUT SECRETLY, THAT WHAT THEY ARE… SORT OF CHANGE THE WHOLE DYNAMIC, RIGHT? THESE NOT SUGGESTIONS. THEY SNEAKY COMMAND FROM THE AUTHORITY (RE: GILBERT). HULK KNOW THAT SORT OF SEEM UNFAIR BUT IT TOTALLY DESERVED. READ SO MANY PARTS OF BOOK. WATCH SCENES IN MOVIE WHERE GILBERT CHARACTER TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO. IT AMAZING. THEY TOTALLY COMMANDS.
SO ONTO THE SPECIFIC PROBLEMS.
DOUBLE NOM NOM!!
1) EAT
BEFORE HULK START DIATRIBE ON THE FIRST PART OF GILBERT’S BOOK/MOVIE, KNOW THIS… HULK KNOW ALL TO WELL THE DANGERS OF ANOREXIA. ONE OF HULKS BEST FRIENDS DIE OF IT. NOT BATTLED. NOT FLIRTED WITH. DIED. HULK WATCH THE WHOLE THING UNFOLD SINCE FRIEND A SMALL CHILD AND HULK PROBABLY KNOW THE IN AND OUT OF THE PSYCHOLOGICAL AND SOCIETAL INFLUENCES OF IT BETTER THAN ANYONE. IT AN AMAZINGLY SERIOUS PROBLEM THAT TIE INTO MANY CULTURAL ISSUES. SO LET HULK JUST SAY THIS… THERE HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOSE TRULY BATTLING ANOREXIA AND THOSE WHO WRESTLE WITH FAIRLY COMMON (THOUGH DEFINITELY UNHEALTHY AND SERIOUS) BODY ISSUES… AND IT WAY FUCKING DIFFERENT FROM THOSE WHO USURP THE LANGUAGE OF THESE SERIOUS PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH SOME BASIC “I DON’T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF” SOCIETAL BULLSHIT.
ELIZABETH GILBERT STRIKE HULK AS A USURPER.
HULK NOT DOUBTING THE SINCERITY OF HER FEELINGS, JUST THE VERACITY FOR THE ORIGIN OF THESE FEELINGS. ELIZABETH GILBERT A NATURALLY SKINNY, NATURALLY ATTRACTIVE PERSON WHOSE ENTIRE FIRST SECTION OF THE BOOK/MOVIE DEAL WITH HER PLIGHT OF GOING UP A FEW JEAN SIZE… NO, REALLY THAT THE DEPTH OF WHAT WE TALKING ABOUT. THE SERIOUSNESS OF CULTURAL IMAGERY MADE NAUSEATINGLY TRITE. HER SPIRITUAL JOURNEY IN ITALY BASICALLY AMOUNTS TO HER DEALING WITH EATING CARBS, ICK!
AND LOOK, HULK GET THE PARLANCE OF OUR TIME AND HOW VAST NUMBER OF AMERICAN WOMEN DO ACTUALLY DEAL WITH THINGS LIKE THE ANNOYANCE OF FINDING A GOOD PAIR OF JEANS. OR HOW SLIGHT ALTERCATIONS TO APPEARANCE CAN DRAMATICALLY IMPACT WARDROBE ISSUES. MANY PEOPLE ROLL EYES AT THIS CLICHE, BUT IT CLICHE FOR REASON AND IT RELATE-ABLE TO MOST PEOPLE FOR REASON. HULK KNOW THIS AND, AGAIN, HULK KNOW THAT THE SOCIETAL PRESSURE TO LOOK CERTAIN WAY IMMENSE. BUT INSTEAD OF PUTTING THIS IN APPROPRIATE CONTEXT, ELIZABETH GILBERT GO INTO HYSTERICS. SHE USURP THE VOICE OF TRUE STRUGGLE OF ANEXORICS AND THEN HAS THE GOD-DAMN GALL TO ACT LIKE FUCKING AUTHORITY ON IT. HER “STRUGGLE” ANYTHING BUT THAT.
AND WORSE, THIS NOT ALL PART OF SOME SPIRITUAL JOURNEY. IT OBSERVATIONAL ONE-NOTE-ISM. SHE TREAT HER BASIC, DISCIPLINED APPROACH TO “IT’S SOMETIMES OKAY TO TREAT YOURSELF” AS A FUCKING REVELATION. HULK’S FAVORITE DRAMATIZATION OF THIS INSANITY? THE OVERTLY DRAMATIC SCENE IN THE PIZZERIA. IT JUST RIDICULOUS. EVERY TIME THE SUPREMELY WELL-OFF GILBERT USURP THE LANGUAGE OF PEOPLE WITH REAL EATING DISORDER IT MAKE HULK WANT SMASH LIKE HULK’S NEVER SMASHED BEFORE.
BUT THE BIGGEST PROBLEM OF HER “EAT” SOLUTION SOMETHING SHE NEVER FUCKING SEEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE: THAT MOST THE WOMEN AND MEN WHO READING/WATCHING IN SEARCH OF ANSWERS OF SELF-ESTEEM ARE PEOPLE DEALING WITH AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT BODY ISSUE: OBESITY AND BEING OVER-WEIGHT. SERIOUSLY, THERE ABOUT 3 TIMES THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE BATTLING OBESITY COMPARED TO THOSE BATTLING EATING DISORDERS (THOUGH THERE SOME OBVIOUS OVERLAP BETWEEN TWO). WHICH MAKE GILBERT’S THROW-CAUTION-TO-THE-WIND APPROACH WHOLLY RECKLESS. SERIOUSLY, THE ENTIRE “EAT” SOLUTION SEEM AIMED AT VERY PARTICULAR SUBSET OF PEOPLE WHOSE SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES ARE MERE TRIFLE WHEN COMPARED TO THE CRIPPLING SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES DEALT WITH BY PEOPLE MARGINALIZED BY CONSUMER SOCIETY. AND HULK CAN TELL YOU ONE THING…
EATING A WHOLE FUCKING PIZZA IS NOT THEIR SOLUTION TO SELF DISCOVERY.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD RE-VISIT OUR FRIEND HERE
SORRY, MOVING ON.
2) PRAY
THIS SOLUTION SORT OF THE MOST BENIGN OF GILBERT’S THREE COMMANDS, YET THERE ONE OBVIOUS DEEP FLAW HULK GET TO IN MINUTE. IN “PRAY” WE SEE GILBERT’S EMBRACE OF MEDITATION AND EASTERN PHILOSOPHY. BUT HER HANGUPS IN GETTING THERE OFTEN COMICAL. SHE NO CAN FIND INNER PEACE CAUSE SHE KEEP WANTING DECORATE THE MEDITATION ROOM (OH THOSE KOOKY UPSCALE AMERICANS AND THEIR SENSE OF AESTHETICS!).
THERE ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT GILBERT TAKE THE TIME TO CRY ABOUT HER OLD DIVORCE (AGAIN, HER FAULT) DURING A YOUNG GIRLS ARRANGED MARRIAGE CEREMONY (ONE WHICH THE GIRL TERRIBLY DISTRAUGHT OVER MIND YOU). AND GILBERT STORM AWAY FROM WEDDING SO THAT THE YOUNG GIRL HAVE TAKE TIME TO CONSOLE HER. CAUSE REALLY, THAT THE OPPORTUNE TIME AND NATURALLY, IT NEVER DAWN ON THE GILBERT CHARACTER TO OFFER ANY KIND OF HELP. UGH. IT JUST SORT OF THING THAT DRIVE HULK NUTS. IT BASIC SELF-CENTERED BEHAVIOR AND SHE NOT EVEN AWARE.
THEN THERE ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT WHICH HIGHLIGHT GILBERT’S PSYCHOLOGICAL BLOCK AND NOT GETTING IT. THE MOVIE SPEND LARGE TIME OF THIS SECTION WITH CHARACTER NAMED “RICHARD FROM TEXAS” (PLAYED BY THE WONDERFULLY BY THE SOULFUL RICHARD JENKINS). HE SORT OF BRAZEN AND IN YOUR FACE CHARACTER, BUT ULTIMATELY HE REVEAL TRAGIC PAST. SPECIFICALLY A MOMENT WHERE HIS ALCOHOLISM NEARLY KILL HIS SON. THERE A REASON HIS STORY TAKE SUCH PRECEDENCE AND YET TELLING OF IT MADE SO OBVIOUS AND BANAL (MADE ALL THE MORE ODD BY FACT GILBERT A DECENT WRITER)… HULK ARGUE IT JUST SEEM LIKE GILBERT SO DESPERATELY TRYING TO CONVEY HER OWN FEELINGS OF GUILT (BECAUSE AGAIN, SHE RUINED HER MARRIAGE AND CAN’T SEEM TO ADMIT IT) BY OVER PLAYING HER OWN SENTIMENT INTO RICHARD’S-OBVIOUSLY-MUCH-MORE-TRAGIC STORY. SO ONCE, YET A-FUCKING-GAIN, SHE DEFLECTING THE TRUE ISSUES AT HAND.
TANGENT: THERE ALSO THIS IDIOTIC DIRECTING MOMENT WHEN MOVIE MAKE BEYOND DUMB CHOICE TO HAVE RICHARD JENKINS GIVE SOULFUL SPEECH ABOUT TRAGEDY BY HAVING HIM TURN AWAY FROM CAMERA. INTERESTING? SORT OF. IN THAT OBVIOUS WAY HULK GUESS. BUT IT BEYOND DUMB NOT LET US SEE RICHARD JENKINS HAUNTED EYES. HULK WOULD HAVE BEEN SOBBING LIKE A LITTLE SCHOOLHULK IF ACTUALLY GOT TO SEE THE PERFORMANCE THAT HULK ONLY GOT TO HEAR. ANYCRAP. BACK TO DIATRIBE.
AS FOR HULK’S FAVORITE MOMENT OF NONSENSE? (HULK ACTUALLY CAN NO REMEMBER IF IT TOOK PLACE DURING NEXT SEGMENT, BUT IT TIE INTO SPIRITUALITY SO IT GOING HERE) WHEN PRESENTED WITH MENTAL EXERCISE/TRUE HONOR OF HAND-COPYING A HOLY TEXT, AND WHEN SHE SPECIFICALLY ASKED NOT TAKE BOOK OUT TO GET IT COPIES… GILBERT FINDS “COMICAL” MOMENT TO STEAL BOOK TO GO GET COPIES MADE… WHICH SHE THEN LATER GIVE AS PRESENT. THIS CAUSE HULK’S JAW DROP. NOT ONLY SHE NO RESPECT WHAT ASKED TO DO, NOT ONLY SHE FUCKING SHOW INCREDIBLE DISRESPECT TO SACRED TEXT (THE PLACEMENT WITHIN HOLY CONFINES KEY TO INTEGRITY OF TEXTS) SHE JUST SORT OF SMILES THE WHOLE THING OFF. IT SUCH GREAT EXAMPLE OF BRAZEN AMERICANISM (I’M GONNA DO WHAT I WANT CAUSE IT’S EASIER AND FUCK RULES!). AND IT EVEN BETTER EXAMPLE OF “NOT GETTING” THAT THE POINT WAS TO LEARN THE DISCIPLINE OF THE COPYING AND NOT THE FINISHED RESULT. AND IT SUCH A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF HER SHORT CUT TO SPIRITUALISM! THE WHOLE THING SHOW HER INSULTING PSYCHOLOGY IN A NUTSHELL.
PICTURED: SMIRKING
OVERALL, HULK NOT REALLY WANT GET INTO THE RELIGIOUS ASPECTS OF THIS WHOLE SECTION. GILBERT SORT OF INFURIATINGLY NOT REALLY GET INTO SPECIFICS OF HER TAKE ON GOD/RELIGION THEN HAVE MOMENTS WHERE SHE INVOKE SPECIFICITY OF PARTICULARS AS IF TO HAVE PERSONAL MEANING. RELIGION ALWAYS ONE’S OWN AND HULK FEEL LIKE IT MAY START WHOLE OTHER ARGUMENT THAT HAVE NOTHING DO WITH GILBERT’S PROBLEMS. EVEN WITH THIS, HULK FEEL IT OKAY TO TALK ABOUT CONCEPT OF “PRAYER.”
HULK NOT RELIGIOUS, BUT HULK FEEL LIKE HULK UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEAN TO ENGAGE IN PRAYER. HULK CONSIDER PRAYER TO BE A RITUAL IN WHICH ONE ENGAGE IN COME TO GRIPS WITH WORLD, CLEAR MIND, ENGAGE IN SELF-REFLECTION, FIND INNER PEACE, OR DEVELOP SHARP INCISIVE MINDFULNESS AND DISCIPLINE.
WHAT DOES HULK DO FOR PRAY? HULK PRAY BY WATCHING MOVIES. HULK PRAY BY PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. HULK PRAY BY BLOGGING/TWEETING INCESSANTLY ABOUT THINGS RANGING FROM STUPID TO SEMI-IMPORTANT. HULK FILLS HULK’S MIND NOT WITH HULK’S TROUBLES (OF WHICH THERE MANY. SERIOUSLY, THE LEADER CAN SUCK IT) BUT WITH THINGS AND MATTERS HULK CONSIDER INTERESTING. SURE HULK CAN WASTE 7000 WORDS ON A THE NONSENSICAL PHILOSOPHICAL ARGUMENT MADE BY A HORRIBLE BOOK/MOVIE (AHEM), AND HULK KNOW THIS SEEM LIKE ANTI-PRAYER, BUT HULK USUALLY FIND SOME KIND OF CENTER OR STASIS IN THIS PRACTICE.
BETTER YET, HULK UNDERSTAND THAT WHAT HULK SAYING NOT SOME RELIGIOUS THING BE ASCRIBED TO, AS THIS NOT SOME ADVICE HULK THINK ALL SHOULD PARTAKE IN TO HAVE BETTER LIFE… HULK JUST CASUALLY EXPLAINING HULK’S TAKE; THAT THESE JUST SOME THINGS THAT HELP GET HULK THROUGH DAY. HULK TREAT IT AS SIMPLE AS IT NEED BE TREATED.
IT RATHER DIFFERENT FROM THE TAKE OF ELIZABETH GILBERT’S SECOND COMMAND.
… HULK DIDN’T REALLY HAVE A LOT OF FUNNY PICTURES FOR THIS SECTION… SORRY.
MOVING ON…
BECAUSE THATS OBVIOUSLY WHAT THESE DOGS ARE EXPERIENCING
3) LOVE
IT ALL COME FULL CIRCLE. HULK FEEL LIKE PART OF THE REASON GILBERT SHOEHORN THE RELATIONSHIP-PROBLEM NARRATIVE INTO BEGINNING, SO THAT SHE HAVE REASON TO “FIND LOVE” AT END. LOGISTICALLY IT MAKE SENSE, BUT THE PROBLEM IT TOTALLY NOT READ LIKE THAT WHATSOEVER. IT ACTUALLY REEK FAR MORE OF NAKED COMMERCIALISM THEN WHATEVER THE CONFUSED, EMOTIONAL VOMIT IS ON DISPLAY HERE.
IN ALL HONESTY, HULK NOT SURE GILBERT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS.
IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME AND IF IT NOT OH MY GOD MY HUSBAND DOESNT GET ME ARE YOU SINGLE?
SERIOUSLY. HULK REALLY DON’T KNOW. AT LEAST NOT WITH WHAT HULK PRESENTED. HER ABSURD CHARACTERIZATION OF BREAKUP OF HER MARRIAGE AND THE NONSENSE CRAZY RELATIONSHIP WITH ACTOR SET UP A MUDDLED VIEWPOINT, ONE WHICH EVENTUALLY MIRRORED BY THE RELATIONSHIP THAT TAKE ULTIMATELY TAKE PLACE IN “LOVE” SECTION.
FOR STARTER, GILBERT GET INVOLVED WITH GUY WHO NOT BEEN WITH WOMAN FOR 10 YEARS. THAT WORTH NOTING IN AND OF SELF. SECOND, HE DEEPLY HURT IN DIVORCE. HE ALSO DEEPLY LOVE HIS SON. AND SHE INVOLVE HERSELF IN THESE DEEPLY PERSONAL FAMILY AFFAIRS. FROM THERE, AFTER BURROWING IN, SHE ULTIMATELY ENGAGE WITH HIM IN PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP. AND THEN WHEN THINGS GOING AMAZINGLY, SHE GET SUDDEN COLD FEET AFTER STRINGING ALONG SO BLATANTLY. SHE WAS LOOKING AT THIS AS SOME BIG ROMANTIC AFFAIR. HE WAS CLEARLY OPENING HIS LIFE UP AGAIN.
SO OUT OF NOWHERE SHE SUDDENLY BACK TO THE DOGMATIC MANTRA OF HER PRAYER AND “I DON’T WANT TO LOSE MY BALANCE” AGAIN, JUST ANOTHER BIZARRE REACTION FROM GILBERT. WE RECOGNIZE THE SOCIETAL UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT SHE SAYING, BUT NOT HER MOTIVATION. IT STUFF LIKE “WE’RE MOVING TOO FAST!” FREAK-OUT WE SEE SO MUCH IN MEDIA. AND SHE FRAME THIS ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF HERSELF, COMPLETELY FUCKING IGNORANT OF THE ISSUES HE MUST BE GOING THROUGH TOO (AND OBVIOUSLY, THEY ARE OF EXTREME DEPTH. HIS PAST MUCH MORE TRAGIC. HERS LARGELY A PUT ON). IT ONE OF THE MOST RIDICULOUSLY OFFENSIVE THINGS HULK EVER SEE/READ. HIS FEELINGS ABOUT MATTER NOT EVEN AN AFTERTHOUGHT. HECK, THEY NOT EVEN A THOUGHT. EVER. SHE TRULY IN HER OWN WORLD.
AND THEN TO GET OVER THIS “CLIMACTIC DIFFICULTY” AND EMBRACE LOVE, SHE DECIDE SHE HAVE TO “LET GO” OF PAIN CAUSED TO HER IN DIVORCE. SHALL HULK GO OVER THE ACTUAL EVENTS OF HER MARRIAGE BREAK-UP AGAIN? GIVE HULK BREAK! YES, HULK KNOW BREAK-UPS TOUGH. BUT TO PRETEND YOU ENTITLED TO SAME MISERY AS PERSON’S HEART YOUR TORE OUT RIDICULOUS AND SHOW FUNDAMENTAL LACK OF BASIC HUMAN UNDERSTANDING. HULK KNOW THIS JUST SOUND SO REPETITIVE, BUT IT THE REASON SHE NOT HELPING SELF AT ALL.
HULK MEAN… JUST WHO THE HELL SHE THINK SHE IS?
THIS BUT IN PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE FORM?
ONCE AGAIN, HULK CAN’T PRESUME SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT PERSON HULK NOT KNOW. HULK CAN JUST GO OFF TEXT GIVEN… BUT THE CHARACTERIZATION OF THESE EVENTS IN THE TEXT JUST HORRID. HALF OF IT THROUGH THE FILTER OF HER OBVIOUS SOCIAL FEARS/ANXIETY/DEPRESSION BUT IT WRITTEN LIKE TRIVIAL UPPER-CLASS, SELF-INVOLVED BULLSHIT. IT SORT OF MAKE HULK ANGRY (AND IN CASE YOU NOT KNOW… YOU NOT LIKE HULK WHEN ANGRY). MAINLY, CAUSE THE ACTUAL ISSUES BEING “TACKLED” IN EAT, PRAY, LOVE PRETTY IMPORTANT.
FOR ALL HULK GATHER, ELIZABETH GILBERT COULD BE LIKE THIS PERSON:
TO BE FAIR. THERE WEIRD TENDENCY TO PUT A NEAT, CLIMACTIC BOW ON THINGS. HER BANAL-ALBEIT-NICE DECREE AT END DO GOOD JOB OF MAKING HULK FEEL GOOD… BUT IN CONTEXT OF ALL IT JUST AS PUT ON AS EVERYTHING ELSE. JUST AS IMPERMANENT.
TO ALSO BE FAIR, IT SEEM THAT MANY OF THE ISSUES HULK HAVE WITH GILBERT’S THOUGHTS IN THIS PART = FURTHER EXPLORED IN HER FOLLOWUP BOOK “COMMITTED” ABOUT HER ENSUING RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE WITH THIS NEW MAN SHE MEET. IT SEEM LIKE SHE REALIZING A BIT MORE ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF CONSTANT SOLUTIONS (AS OPPOSED TO TEMPORARY), BUT STILL FROM EVERYTHING HULK READ (E.g.) WE STILL DEALING WITH IMPOSSIBLE EXTREMES AND NONSENSICAL CHARACTERIZATION OF A PROBLEM, WHICH HULK STILL CONSIDER PART OF AN UNRELIABLE NARRATOR. AND BESIDES, MUCH OF THE SEEMING GOAL OF “COMMITTED” REALLY SEEM TO UNDERMINE MANY OF THE EXACT POINTS SHE MAKE IN EAT, PRAY, LOVE SO SHE EVEN UNDERMINE HERSELF!
"OR HOW MY LAST BOOK DOESNT ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE" ADDITIONAL NOTE: THIS ONE NOT REALLY MAKE SENSE EITHER
WHAT PERHAPS SO INFURIATING THAT GILBERT SEEM SO CLOSE MOST OF TIME. AGAIN, SHESMART BUT SHE CONSTANTLY MISS THE POINT OR UNDERLYING PROBLEM. AND ANYTIME SHE MAKE BREAKTHROUGH, SHE THEN DO SOMETHING THAT THE ANTITHESIS AND THEN NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE IT. LIKE SHE NEVER FULLY REALIZE THE PERFECTLY REASONABLE SOLUTION OF “HEY, MAYBE PERMANENCE JUST NOT REALLY MY THING.” HULK KNOW PLENTY OF PEOPLE WITH NOMADIC LIFESTYLE. THEY LEARN EMBRACE IT AND MAKE PEACE WITH LIFE OF CONSTANT CHANGE. BUT GILBERT LITERALLY WRITE STORY ABOUT BEING NOMADIC THEN SHE NEVER SEEM CLUE INTO FACT THAT ACTUALLY WHAT SHE DOING. AGAIN, IT JUST BIZARRE.
THE NOMADIC THING ACTUALLY MAKE RYAN MURPHY THE PERFECT DIRECTOR FOR THE FILM. HULK MOST APPRECIATE MURPHY’S WILLINGNESS TO PUSH BOUNDARIES INTO GREAT TOPICS AND EXPLORE INTERESTING CONCEPTS (HULK PRETTY MUCH REFERENCING THE GOOD EARLY SEASONS OF NIP/TUCK). BUT THERE ALSO LIKELY NO OTHER FIGURE IN HOLLYWOOD WHO GET BORED WITH SAID TOPICS/PROJECTS SO QUICKLY. HE WORK FOR BRIEF MOMENT ON SOMETHING THEN IMMEDIATELY MOVE ON. HIS TV SHOWS LEFT IN WASTE AFTER HE ALREADY RUN THEM DRY IN THE BRIEFEST OF SPANS. SO WHO BETTER TO CHARACTERIZE THE JOURNEY OF A WOMAN EXPLORING THE “JOURNEY” OF PASSING FANCY?
PICTURED: DISINTEREST
AGAIN, TO BE FAIR, THERE ACTUALLY A LOT HULK ENJOY ABOUT THE MOVIE IN TERMS OF TONE AND DIRECTION. THE MOMENTS IN AND OF SELF WELL-EXECUTED (THE LANDSCAPE, THE SENSE OF PEACE, EVERYTHING RICHARD JENKINS). AND MURPHY NEVER TRY GO FOR UNCALLED-FOR “EDGY” STUFF. HE JUST SEEM SURPRISINGLY FOCUSED ON SCENE AT HAND. BUT, LIKE GILBERT, THE OVERALL BACKBONE JUST MISSING.
HONESTLY, THE MOVIE ABOUT A LOT OF CONCEPTS THAT HULK FIND FASCINATING: EASTERN PHILOSOPHY, TRAVEL, FOOD, SOCIETAL PRESSURE, PSYCHOLOGY… BUT IT IT NEVER QUITE GET TO THAT REAL PLACE.
HULK GOING USE WORD “OPRAHISM” IN SENSE THAT LIKE MANY OF OPRAH’S LIFE SOLUTIONS IT NEVER GET TO SOURCE. IT ONLY ADDRESS SURFACE. AND HULK ACTUALLY NOT AN OPRAH-HATER. IN WORLD FULL OF POWERFUL MEDIA FIGURES SHE ONE OF EW WHO SEEM TRULY SERIOUS ABOUT PHILANTHROPIC CAUSES. AND IT OFTEN SHOCK HULK HOW MANY NOT KNOW THE STORY OF HER LIFE AND INCREDIBLE THINGS SHE OVERCOME. TRUST HULK, THE PAIN OF HER LIFE = ANYTHING BUT FALSE. SHE GO FROM THE MOST DESTITUTE OF SITUATIONS TO TRY AND MAKE SOMETHING POSITIVE.
ELIBETH GILBERT? SHE GROW UP ON PICTURESQUE CHRISTMAS TREE FARM IN CONNECTICUT.
GOOG GOD, THE OPRESSIVE HORROR!
SERIOUSLY. NOW AGAIN, HULK MAY NOT KNOW DETAILS, BUT FROM ALL ACCOUNTS SHE LARGELY CHARACTERIZE EARLY LIFE AS GLOURIOUS. IT NOW WONDER THAT MANY OF OPRAH’S REAL LIFE CONTRIBUTIONS = REAL AND PERMENANT. THE PROBLEM WITH OPRAH THAT IN TV FORM IT OFTEN COME OF AS FANCIFUL AND BITE-SIZED. SOMETHING PROMOTED AND INSINCERE. IN ONE WAY IT WHAT THE SHOW REQUIRE, BUT IN ANOTHER WAY IT PAINT VERY DIFFICULT CONCEPTS IN TOO BROAD STROKES.
HULK WILL EXPLAIN THIS ONE BETTER BELOW, BUT ONE OF BIGGEST PROBLEMS THAT THE SOLUTIONS OF SELF-ESTEEM IN EAT, PRAY, LOVE NOT APPLICABLE TO EVERYONE. WHATSOEVER. SO MUCH PRESENTED ONLY FOR THE RICH. THE FINANCIAL COSTS OF JOURNEY ASTRONOMICAL. AT LEAST OPRAH DO ABOUT HALF HER SHOWS FOR PEOPLE WHO NOT HAVE RIDICULOUS MONEY (AKA 95% OF HER AUDIENCE).
AND IT WOULDN’T BE ALL THAT BAD IF GILBERT NOT ACT INSUFFERABLE ABOUT THE SPECIFICS OF WHERE SHE TRAVEL. THE TONE OF HER VOICE “THIS NOT WHAT I LEARNED IN THIS SPECIFIC, HOLY PLACE AND HOW YOU, THE READER CAN USE IT!” BUT MORE “WOW, THIS IS WHAT YOU CAN LEARN ONLY IN THIS SPECIFIC PLACE. YOU HAVE TO COME HERE” IT RIDICULOUS. IT READ LIKE A TRAVEL AD. OR WORSE, A BUNCH OF RICH PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THEIR VACATION AND TRYING ONE UP ONE ANOTHER.
"NO, REALLY HAITI HAS THE BEST ORPHANS!" - NOTE: HULK ACTUALLY ONCE HEAR WIFE OF HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER SAY THIS WITHOUT ONE HINT OF KIDDING
PART THREE: SO WHAT THE HELL REALLY WRONG WITH ELIZABETH GILBERT ANYWAY? HAS SHE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS?
AGAIN HULK NOT KNOW HER. THIS ONLY ASSUMPTIONS BASED ON WHAT MATERIAL OUT THERE.
SO HULK WANT BE THOROUGH AS POSSIBLE IN BE SURE THAT THIS SLANDEROUS-BUT-NOT-IN-A-ILLEGAL-WAY SENTIMENT NOT UNFOUNDED. HULK WANT GO THROUGH EVERYTHING OUT THERE AND FIND THE SIMILARITIES (AND POSSIBLE COUNTERPOINTS) TO HULKS ADMITTEDLY-MEAN-SPIRITED POINT. AND THANKFULLY, THERE LOT OF MATERIAL OUT THERE ON ELIZABETH GILBERT. HULK MUST LOOK AT HER HISTORY AND SAY “WHO THIS PERSON SEEM LIKE AND WHY HULK SHOULD TRUST HER?”
SO HULK GO TO THE START OF HER CAREER… YUP, SHE THE NINCUMPOOP THAT HELP POPULARIZE THE COYOTE UGLY PHENOMENON.
PICTURE THE REVERSE: FROM THE CREATOR OF "EAT, PRAY, LOVE" COMES "GIRLS DANCING ON BAR!"
IN 1997 SHE WRITE GQ ARTICLE THAT GO ON BE THE BASIS FOR THE MOVIE. HERE THE ARTICLE. PLEASE READ.
QUITE FRANKLY, THE ARTICLE TERRIBLE. HULK NOT SURE HOW IT EVEN PUBLISHED LET ALONE BECOME SOME KIND OF ODD LAUNCH TO A QUASI-POPULARIZATION (HULK NOT SURE THE QUALITY OF GQ CAUSE HULK NEVER READ IT, BUT HULK PRETTY SURE HULK BEEN LINKED TO ARTICLES IN PAST AND THEY NOT REALLY LIKE THIS). HULK MEAN, IT RAMBLE. IT NIGH INCOHERENT. MORE IMPORTANTLY, SOME FOLKS READ ARTICLE AND MAY SAY “HOW THE HECK THIS SAME PERSON WHO WRITE EAT, PRAY, LOVE“? IT A GOOD QUESTION. TO BE FAIR, SHE IN HER 20’S WHEN WRITE THAT SO IT CERTAINLY FAIR TO ALLOW FOR GROWTH.
IT MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TO KEY IN ON THE SIMILARITIES. FIRST THING HULK NOTICE THAT FOR A SEEMINGLY DEEPLY PERSONAL ARTICLE ABOUT HER LIFE AND EXPERIENCE, THERE VERY LITTLE ACTUAL CONTENT OF SELF. MEANING IT SURPRISINGLY DISTANT. AND NOT DISTANT LIKE AN OBSERVATIONAL PIECE, IT JUST A RUN-ON LIST OF UNCONNECTED ANECDOTES. WHICH NOT EXACTLY A PROBLEM IN AND OF SELF, BUT THESE ANECDOTES CONTINUOUSLY MENTION HER AS AN ACTIVE PART OF THE SITUATION; TO EFFECT OF: “I COULD MAKE MEN WANT TO MARRY ME” AND SUCH (SHE MAKE THIS POINT A LOT). YET THERE IS ABSOLUTELY ZERO FUCKING INSIGHT INTO WHAT THAT MEANS FOR THESE PEOPLE AND WHAT HER CONTRIBUTION TO THE DYNAMIC SITUATION WAS… AGAIN… DOWNRIGHT BIZARRE. SHE WROTE DISTANT, OBSERVATIONAL PIECE WITH FIRST PERSON SINGULAR PROVOCATION. IT BETRAY ITSELF.
ULTIMATELY, GILBERT HAVE A SUBCONSCIOUS OBSESSION WITH SELF, YET IT A DECEPTIVE SELF. SHE JUST HAS TO THROW HERSELF INTO THE STORY DESPITE ANY RELEVANCE. AND SHE NEVER EVEN ATTEMPT TO LOOK HONESTLY AT THE SITUATION.
ALL HER WORK HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM: IT UNTRUSTWORTHY. HULK ACKNOWLEDGE THE “STORIES” MAY BE TRUE, BUT THE SENTIMENT/CONVEYANCE ALWAYS FEEL FALSE. ALL THE QUESTIONS OF THE STORY ALWAYS LEFT UNANSWERED. PERHAPS THE EDITORS WANTED IT TO BE SEX-ED UP, BUT IT IN THERE AND IT SO AMAZINGLY DISINGENUOUS. AND, HILARIOUSLY, NOTICE ON LAST PAGE THE MENTION OF ANOTHER “HEARTBREAK STORY.” NOTICE HOW EVEN IN TRUNCATED FORM THE READER GIVE THE SAME EXACT STORY ABOUT LOVE GONE AWRY. WE SENSE THEME HERE? HILARIOUSLY, OR PERHAPS TRAGICALLY, IN ARTICLE GILBERT MENTION HOW HAPPY SHE IN HER MARRIAGE NOW… AND THIS SAME MARRIAGE SHE HATE LATER ANNIHILATE AND USE AS GENESIS OF EAT, PRAY, LOVE… TOO BAD SHE WRITES IN INK.
OKAY NOW READ THIS OTHER ARTICLE ON “THE LAST AMERICAN MAN” AND DO HULK FAVOR: NOTICE HOW MUCH ELIZABETH GILBERT MENTION HERSELF. “I”, “MY”, ETC. READ THE ARTICLE:
WE RARELY ACTIVELY NOTICE THE HABIT (GOOD EDITORS DO THOUGH) BUT GILBERT = ALL OVER THE STORY. AND NOT IN GOOD WAY. IT ABOUT HER OBSERVATIONS (WHICH OFTEN PRETTY ROTE), NOT THE OBSERVATIONS THEMSELVES. THERE A CRUCIAL DIFFERENCE IN JOURNALISM. LIKE READ THIS:
“I felt as if I’d stepped into an eighteenth-century Quaker household. I felt as if I’d brought a bad smell in with me. I felt that I reeked of the stupidest features of modern American society (diet dog food, beepers for children), and I felt tragically incompetent. (I don’t work the land. I don’t make venison stew.)”
THE JOB OF WRITER TO APPROXIMATE EXPERIENCE FOR READER, AND SOMETIMES, YES, DO THAT THROUGH PERSONAL INPUT. BUT THIS EXEMPLARY OF HOW SHE GO FAR BEYOND IT. AND EVEN IF NOT OBVIOUS, SUBCONSCIOUSLY WE ABSORB THIS STUFF. IT MAKE US SEE THE WRITER PRESENT, BUT IT COME WITH GREAT COST OF DISTANCING. LOTS OF FOLKS OFTEN MAKE FUN OF THE USE OF “ONE FEELS” OR “ONE MIGHT THINK” AND EVEN THOUGH HULK GET WHY THAT MIGHT SEEM PRETENTIOUS, IT STILL DO THE NECESSARY JOB OF CREATING DISTANCE BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND THE SUBJECT. IT MAKE THE AUTHOR = PURE OBSERVATION. IT UNIVERSALIZE THE THOUGHTS OF AUTHOR INTO THOUGHTS THAT COULD BE HAVE BY ALL.
INSTEAD, GILBERT TREAT HULK TO SHIT LIKE THIS:
“I didn’t mind the hard work, and I appreciated the beauty of Turtle Island, but my thoughts strayed—not to my family, not to hot running water, but to the really gorgeous and expensive Calvin Klein suit I’d purchased recently. While I was up there plowing that field, while Eustace was teaching me how to handle that draft horse, my thoughts were constantly wandering to that Calvin Klein suit, which is the nicest thing I’ve ever owned. I’d picture it hanging in my closet. I’d wonder how it was doing. And, I’m sorry to confess, I’d sigh with deep longing.”
HULK NOT GOING TO SUDDENLY GET DOWN ON THE PERILS OF HIGH FASHION OR ANYTHING. JUST CAUSE IT NOT HULKS INTEREST NOT MEAN HE BEGRUDGE THE INTEREST AS A WHOLE… BUT GOOD LORD, COME ON! YOU ACTUALLY GOING TO SAY THAT? JESUS CHRIST LADY. DOES SHE NO REALIZE THAT SHE NOT DOING THAT THING WHERE SHE ADMITTING SELF HUMAN FOIBLE IN A VERY HUMAN WAY THAT MAKE US LIKE HER? THAT SHE BASICALLY ADMITTING SOMETHING THAT ONLY JUST HORRID AND IN A RATHER HORRID WAY. UGH. DAMMIT…. SORRY HULK MOVING ON.
BUT WHAT MOST STRIKING, HOW THE ARTICLE HAVE STUNNINGLY LITTLE TO SAY.THE ARTICLE’S SUBJECT MATTER OF MAN IN BATTLE WITH NATURE SEEM LIKE SO MUCH COULD BE GET INTO… BUT IT JUST DOESN’T. HULK WOULD NO EVEN MIND A VERY PLAIN ASSESSMENT, BUT ALL HULK GET BRIEF FLIRTATIONS WITH THE VERY PLAIN IDEAS.
LIKE NEAR END OF ARTICLE SHE MISS THE MOST INTERESTING THING HER SUBJECT SAY: “Because,” Eustace said, “they recognized right away that I was a real person, and they’ve probably never met one before.
The next day…”
SERIOUSLY!?!? IT JUST TO THE NEXT DAY WITHOUT EVER REFERENCING?
SHE JUST LEAVE THE MOST INTERESTING THING THE MAN EVER SAY SHE JUST LEAVE THERE. IT NOT LIKE IT AN INSPIRING QUOTE, BUT THERE REAL OPPORTUNITY TO GET INTO THE MAN’S PSYCHOLOGY AND MOTIVATION FOR WHAT HE (I.E. WANTING TO BE A “REAL MAN”). IT NEVER REALLY TAPPED INTO.
HULK NOT GOING TO PUT HULK-SELF THOUGH HELL TO READ HER OTHER BOOK “PILGRIMS” AND PROVE POINT FURTHER (HULK DONE ENOUGH AND FRANKLY PRETTY TIRED), BUT HULK WANT POINT OUT ONE LAST THING FROM ELIZABETH GILBERT, THE PERSON.
NOT LONG AGO, GILBERT INVITED TO THE TED CONFERENCE (A SUMMIT ON TECHNOLOGY, CREATIVITY, AND FORWARD THINKING). SHE GET UP THERE AND, YOU GUESS IT, GIVE A SPEECH FOCUSING ON A NON-EXISTENT + SELF-INVOLVED PROBLEM. IT BASICALLY THIS: “AFTER EAT, PRAY, LOVE BIG SUCCESS ARE YOU AFRAID YOU’LL NEVER DO SOMETHING AS GOOD AGAIN??” AND IT TURN OUT, YES SHE WAS AFRAID! IT MADE HER TERRIFIED TO THINK ABOUT IT! BUT GUESS WHAT EVERYONE? THAT SHOULDN’T KEEP ANYONE DOWN! CREATIVITY SHOULD BE DARING RISK! AND THESE THE STEPS YOU NEED TO OVERCOME CRIPPLING FEAR OF ONGOING AND WELL DESERVED SUCCESS!
SERIOUSLY THAT WAS HER FUCKING TED SPEECH. SHE JUST FRAME AN IMAGINARY COMPLICATION AND THEN ACT LIKE SHE ABOVE THE CRIPPLING PRESSURE OF MEGA-SUCCESS. AND HULK NOT SAYING MEGA-SUCCESS NOT A REAL PROBLEM. IT HAVE GREAT PRESSURES. BUT KNOW WHO DEAL WITH MEGA-SUCCESS WELL? PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND THAT IT THE GREATEST GIFT THAT CAN EVER BE AFFORDED. PEOPLE LIKE GEORGE CLOONEY AND STEVEN SPIELBERG . PEOPLE WHO RECOGNIZE NOT THE BURDEN, BUT THE UNQUANTIFIABLE FREEDOM OF THAT PUBLIC SUCCESS AT MOST BASIC LEVEL.
CHECK OUT VIDEO HERE:
NOTICE HER WEIRD HABIT OF HER CONSTANTLY LAUGHING AT SELF WHILE AUDIENCE NOT LAUGHING AT ALL? IT JUST ANOTHER WAY THE WORLD INSIDE HER HEAD DIFFERENT FROM THE ONE WE EXPERIENCING.
PART FOUR: ELIZABETH GILBERT AND THE IMPLICATION ON CULTURE
HULK WANT HONESTY.
IT THE MOST IMPORTANT QUALITY IN A WRITER/FILMMAKER/WHATEVER-THE-HECK. EVEN IF THE STORY UNTRUE. EVEN IF THE WORK ABOUT AN EMOTION. EVEN IF JUST TRY MAKE US LAUGH. EVEN IF IT A BIG INTERGALACTIC SPACE OPERA… IT JUST HAVE FEEL HONEST. EVEN THE COMIC PRATFALL HAVE TO LOOK REAL.
HULK NO THINK GILBERT HONEST.
SHE PROBABLY EVEN NEED HELP. BUT IN FIT OF IRONY, SOCIETY HAVE REWARDED GILBERT’S SELF-DELUSION AND GIVEN HER UNIMAGINABLE SUCCESS. IT NOT WHAT SHE NEED. SHE SELF-TREATED FALSELY AND TO OUR OWN AMUSEMENT.
THERE WAY IN WHICH GILBERT COMPLETELY SYMBOLIC OF WHAT WRONG WITH (A CERTAIN ASPECT OF) AMERICA.
HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHY HULK BRINGING UP THE WIRE, BUT HULK GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY.
OH INDEED
THE SHOW’S CREATOR DAVID SIMON OFTEN USE PHRASE “THE OTHER AMERICA” TO TALK ABOUT THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY NOT USUALLY REFLECTED IN OUR TRADITIONAL MEDIA. THE AMERICA THAT DEAL WITH SET OF SOCIO-ECONOMIC PROBLEMS SO CRIPPLING, WE CAN NO EVEN BEGIN TO CONTEMPLATE. THE ONES THAT CANNOT BE FIXED WITH A BLANK CHECK, OR SWEEPING PROMISES, OR EVEN BEST INTENTIONS. BUT IT SO IMPORTANT TO REALIZE HOW OUR SOCIETY NO POSSIBLY IMPROVE OUR OWN LIVES WITHOUT ADDRESSING THE MASSIVE THINGS THAT NEED HAPPEN TO FIX “THE OTHER AMERICA.”
HULK’S POINT ON ELIZABETH GILBERT THIS: HOW THE FUCK CAN PEOPLE IN THE OTHER AMERICA ENJOY THE DELICIOUSNESS OF ITALIAN PASTA? HOW CAN THEY ENJOY THE PRISTINE TEMPLES? THE CALM OF BALI RAIN? THEY CAN’T.
AND LET NOT PRETEND “THE OTHER AMERICA” NOT PART OF THE AIM OF SELF HELP BOOKS. THE OTHER AMERICA READ/SAW EAT, PRAY, LOVE IN DROVES. HECK, EVEN MOST OF OPRAH’S AUDIENCE “THE OTHER AMERICA.” BUT THE SOLUTIONS PRESENTED IN BOOK NOT FOR FOR THEM. THEY DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE FUCKING CHANEL SUIT. THEY DON’T HAVE TO SPEND ALL THEIR EXTRANEOUS MONEY SO THEIR EX-HUSBAND DOESN’T GET IT. THEY DON’T WORRY ABOUT NOT BEING A SIZE 6.
SO SHOULD THEY EMBRACE EATING THE OVER-PROCESSED GARBAGE OF THE MEGA MART AND INDUSTRIAL FARMS?. OF COURSE NOT. BUT IT A NON-ISSUE IN GILBERT’S MIND. SHE NOT GET HOW PAINFULLY CLASSIST HER SOLUTIONS ARE. THINK HOW ODDLY GILBERT SEEM SIDE-STEP THE OVERWHELMING POVERTY OF INDIA AT EVERY STEP. THEN THERE THAT CHARITABLE GESTURE IN BALI, GILBERT’S SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM APPARENTLY RAISE MONEY FOR PERSON SHE MET TO BUY HOUSE. DON’T GET HULK WRONG, IT A WONDERFULLY NOBLE ACT IN SINGULARITY, BUT THE WAY IN WHICH IT REGARDED AS LIKE “ALL WE HAVE DO IS WRITE CHECKS AND MOVE ON.” SHE NOT USE THOSE WORDS OF COURSE, BUT THAT HER ACTIONS… IT THE EXACT PROBLEM WITH MODERN CHARITY. SHE CAPTURE HER RELUCTANCE, BUT NOT THE DEEPER PROBLEMS IN HERSELF.
ALL THIS ADD UP ONE SIMPLE THING: ELIZABETH GILBERT’S BIGGEST PROBLEM THAT THE PROBLEMS IN HER MIND EQUAL PLIGHT TO THE PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD… THEY ARE NOT.
SHE ULTIMATELY HAVE NO PERSPECTIVE IN A BOOK/FILM ABOUT GAINING PERSPECTIVE.
… SO…
PERHAPS 7000+ WORDS NOT NECESSARY. HULK EVEN CALLED UP MAMA-HULK TO TALK ABOUT IT AT ONE POINT AND MAMA-HULK PUT IT SIMPLY “HATED IT. ALL SHE DID WAS WHINE.” YUP… COULD HAVE SAVED YOU LOTS OF TIME. BUT THERE TIME FOR BROAD STROKES AND TIME FOR EXORBITANT, WELL-ARGUED TAKE-DOWNS. HULK FELT SHE SUCH A WELL-REGARDED AND POPULAR FIGURE, ONE WHO LARGELY CRITICIZED FOR WRONG AND ODDLY SEXIST REASONS… SO HULK FELT IT LIKE ONE OF THOSE TIMES TO DRONE.
IN MANY WAYS, HULK NOT NEARLY AS ANGRY AS WHEN HULK FIRST SEE MOVIE. BY ARTICULATING IT IN THIS LONG RAMBLING ESSAY, HULK LEARNED TO DEAL WITH MUCH SMASHY-ANGER ACTUALLY… IN END, EAT, PRAY, LOVE PROBABLY A FAIRLY INERT PROPERTY THAT NOT HAVE A FAR REACHING EFFECT ON WORLD.
BUT EVEN THAT NOT CHANGE FACT THAT EAT, PRAY, LOVE A BOOK/MOVIE DESIGNED TO HELP PEOPLE AND IT ABSOLUTELY FUCKING USELESS TO MOST AMERICANS, THE AMERICANS HULK SEE EVERY DAY. IN FACT, HULK THE ADVICE HARMFUL TO THEM (EAT MORE! SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY!).
DON’T MISUNDERSTAND HULK WHEN HULK SAY THIS, BUT IT OFTEN LIKE THE RUNNING INTERNET JOKE “WHITE PEOPLE PROBLEMS”… WELL ELIZABETH GILBERT’S PROBLEMS = THE EXACT DEFINITION OF “WHITE PEOPLE PROBLEMS.”
ACTUALLY… IT SO LACK UNDERSTANDING THAT IT LIKELY EVEN HARMFUL TO THE SELF-ABSORBED PEOPLE IT SEEM DESIGNED FOR.
SO MAKE THAT ZERO AMERICANS.
THATS NOT COUNTING GILBERT, WHO OBVIOUSLY MADE LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY AND CAN BE SEEN COMPLAINING TO THIS VERY DAY.
LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK. HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.
THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.
BOND ENTRY #3: “GOLDFINGER” (1964)
GOLDFINGER CONSIDERED ONE OF BEST BONDS ALL TIME.
… HULK DISAGREE.
BUT IN ORDER DISCUSS GOLDFINGER HULK HAVE TALK ABOUT DIRECTION. LET JUST GET THIS BIT OBVIOUSNESS OUT OF WAY: DIRECTION THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT MOVIE. THIS NOT UNDERMINE WRITER WHATSOEVER. THEY MOST UNDERVALUED BY FAR. IT JUST GO WITHOUT SAYING THAT DIRECTION NEXT COLOSSAL STEP IN PROCESS AND IT POSSIBLE DESTROY GOOD SCRIPT W/ BAD DIRECTION/CASTING/EDITING ETC. ALL OF WHICH DIRECTOR’S RESPONSIBILITY ANYWAY.
IT VERY EASY DESTROY A GOOD SCRIPT. AND THAT EXACTLY WHAT ALMOST HAPPEN HERE.
IT WEIRD, BUT PEOPLE TEND THINK BOND FILMS NOT REALLY BEING “DIRECTED.” IT ALMOST LIKE PEOPLE THINK BOND FILMS EVOLVE AND EXIST IN NATURAL STATES WITH GOOD AND BAD CHOICES MADE BY ACTOR PLAYING BOND. THAT OBVIOUSLY NOT CASE BUT FOR SOME REASON IT JUST HAPPEN. PROBABLY CAUSE THEY ALL SO SIMILAR.
THE FIRST TWO BOND FILMS DIRECTED BY MAN NAMED TERENCE YOUNG (HE ALSO DIRECT THE 4TH FILM “THUNDERBALL”). ALL THREE FILMS RANK AMONG HULK’S FAVORITE BONDS. HE HAVE SUCH GOOD SENSE OF PACING AND IMBUE CONNERY’S WORLD WITH ORGANIC SENSE OF “REALITY” NO MATTER WHAT MAY HAPPEN. YOU ALWAYS BELIEVE HIS BOND MOVIES IF THAT MAKE SENSE. HULK EVEN CONSIDER HIM BY FAR THE BEST AT INTEGRATING SEXUALITY IN NON-CHEESY WAY INTO BOND MOVIE. AND HIS SUCCESS NOT JUST LIMITED TO BOND EITHER. YOUNG DIRECT THE CLASSIC FILM “WAIT UNTIL DARK”(1967) WITH AUDREY HEPBURN. BASICALLY, THE MAN GOT SKILLS AND HE LAUNCH THE FRANCHISE
BUT THE THIRD ENTRY, GOLDFINGER = DIRECTED BY MAN NAMED GUY HAMILTON… AND THE MAN A FREAKING HACK. YOU MAY SAY “BUT HULK! I LIKE GOLDFINGER! IT PRETTY GOOD!!! HOW HE A HACK, HULK,?!?!”
TRUE, GOLDFINGER NOT THAT BAD. HULK WILL ARTICULATE WHY IT SUCCEED IN MANY WAYS IN MINUTE, BUT FIRST LOOK AT OTHER FILMS GUY HAMILTON DIRECTED IN BOND SERIES…YUP… THREE OF WORST BONDS EVER (DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER, LIVE AND LET DIE, AND THE MAN WITH GOLDEN GUN). ALL MOVIES WITH SUCH BIZARRE AND DUMB CHOICES AS MAKE HULK SPEECHLESS. HIS ENTIRE CAREER AN EXAMPLE OF POORLY-AGED, BAT-SHIT DECISION-MAKING. SERIOUSLY, HULK CAN’T WAIT TEAR THOSE OTHER MOVIES APART….
BACK TO GOLDFINGER.
SEE THIS THE FIRST BOND TO HEAD FULL TILT IN “GIMMICKY” DIRECTION THAT LATER BE ITS UNDOING. HAMILTON OBSESSED WITH THIS KIND OF STUFF. BUT SINCE IT FIRST TIME WE SEEING GIMMICKS WE GET KIND OF EXCITED BY IT. IT SEEM LIKE NATURAL EVOLUTION OF WHAT WE SEE BEFORE. IT MORE “AWESOME” VERSION OF STUFF IN PREVIOUS MOVIES. NO MORE SIMPLE CAR WITH BULLET SHIELDS, WE GET BAD ASS CAR WITH EJECTOR SEATS! (HULK ALSO ARGUE THIS THE FIRST AND POSSIBLY LAST TIME A BOND GADGET CAR ENTERTAINING). THE GADGETS EVEN MORE CRAZY AND SCI FI. WE GET FIRST COMPLETELY NOVELTY BAD GUY IN ODD JOB (NOTICE THEY RETURN ONCE HAMILTON GET BACK TO SERIES). WE EVEN GET A WHOLE BUNCH OF WOMEN PILOTS IN THE BAD GUYS LAIR IN MATCHING CLOTHES :
PICTURED: NATIONAL THREAT
AND SIMPLY, IN THIS THIRD FILM WE REACH BOND-GIRL-DOUBLE-ENTENDRE-NAME APEX WITH “PUSSY GALORE.” THE SERIES WILL NEVER OUT DO. AND THERE ALL SORTS OF TWISTS/TURNS/INVERSIONS OF BOND CONVENTIONS THAT IT REALLY EXCITING IN KIND OF WAY.
THEY ALSO COME OH-SO-CLOSE TO BEING OUT OF CONTROL RIDICULOUS.
DON’T BELIEVE HULK? WAS WOMAN NOT KILLED BY BEING PAINTED IN GOLD? DID THAT NOT HAPPEN? CAUSE HULK PRETTY SURE THAT HAPPEN.
CUE STRATEGICALLY PLACED PILLOW!
DESPITE THIS KIND OF STUFF, RICHARD MAIBAUM STILL THERE WITH SOLID-ISH SCRIPT (BEFORE TOM MANKIEWICZ SHOW UP AND RUIN EVVV-ERRR-EEE-THING… HULK SAID THAT GARY OLDMAN STYLE). AND IT STILL FIRMLY ROOTED IN 60’S EARLY BONDESS BEFORE WENT TACKY IN 70S. BETTER YET, SEAN CONNERY STILL SEEM CARE A BIT. IT ALL THESE GOOD QUALITIES THAT PREVENT THE GIMMICK INCLINATION FROM PULLING GOLDFINGER TOO FAR. AND AS RESULT IT TOE LINE BETWEEN THE OLD SCHOOL SEXIST BADASSERY PEOPLE LOVE ABOUT SEAN CONNERY’S BONDS AND THE NEW SCHOOL GADGETRY AND CAMP.
PERHAPS THAT WHY PEOPLE LOVE IT SO? IT TOE THE LINE FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE BOTH?
… BUT FOR HULK IT DIDN’T PLEASE EITHER SIDE OF HULK THAT LIKES THOSE THINGS.
BEST MOMENT: MAIN VILLAIN INVITE CRIME SYNDICATES TO HEAR HIS LONG/IN DEPTH MASTER PLAN THEN IMMEDIATELY KILL THEM FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER
YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?:
SHE LOOK LIKE SHE SMOKE A PACK FOR BREAKFAST... THERE ALSO SOMETHING LOHANISH GOING ON HERE
1) SHIRLEY EATON AS JILL MASTERSON – GOLDFINGER PLAY WITH CONVENTION OF BOND GIRL. AT FIRST WE MEET JILL MASTERSON, GOLDFINGER’S ASSISTANT WHO HELP HIM CHEAT AT CARS. BOND SLEEP WITH HER AND CONVINCE HER MESS UP HER JOB, SO GOLDFINGER KILL HER BY PAINTING HER IN GOLD THUS SUFFOCATING HER… SO… YEAH… BUT PEOPLE REALLY LIKE HER CAUSE SHE SUPER PRETTY IN THAT BOMBSHELL WAY AND GET NAKED PAINTED IN GOLD DESPITE CLEARLY SEEING HER UNDERWEAR. ANYWAY HULK FIND HER KIND OF FORGETTABLE. MOVING ON.
HULK ADORE HER
2) TANIA MALLET AS TILLY MASTERSON – AHHH. THIS MORE LIKE IT. HULK BE HONEST. HULK THINK TANIA MALLET BEAUTIFUL. SHE GRACE-KELLY-LIKE. HER STORY ALSO INTERESTING IN THAT SHE ONE OF RARE PEOPLE WHO JUST NOT THAT INTO BEING ACTRESS. SHE LIKE WORKING AS MODEL MORE AND LEFT ACTING AFTER GOLDFINGER. SHE ONLY HAVE COUPLE CREDITS TO HER NAME. ANYCRAP, HER CHARACTER ALSO INTERESTING IN THAT SHE THE 2ND “FALSE START” BOND GIRL IN THE MOVIE. SHE JILL’S SISTER AND WANT AVENGE DEATH BY KILLING GOLDFINGER. BOND THINK SHE ACTUALLY HUNTING HIM, BUT A FEW NEAT SCENES LATER THEY COME TO UNDERSTANDING AND THEN SHE RANDOMLY (AND CONFUSINGLY) SHOT DEAD. SO MUCH FOR TANIA.
SHE PITIES FOOLS
3) HONOR BLACKMAN AS PUSSY GALORE – ENTER PUSSY GALORE, GOLDFINGER’S RASPY-VOICED PILOT HENCHWOMAN WHO TOUGH AS NAILS AND COMPLETELY NO NONSENSE. BESIDES HAVING MOST RIDICULOUS NAME IN BOND ICONOGRAPHY, BOND ALSO DATE RAPES HER. SERIOUSLY. GO BACK WATCH SCENE… YIKES. ANYWAY SHE ENTER GAME SO LATE THAT HULK REALLY HAVE NO INTEREST IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP (THE DATE RAPE DOESN’T HELP EITHER). NATURALLY SHE PART OF BOND GIRL ARCHETYPE 3 “DEVOTED HENCHWOMAN TURNED TO GOOD THROUGH THE POWER OF JAMES BOND’S WIENER.”…. THIS WILL HAPPEN… A LOT.
MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: TWO WORDS: “MAN TALK”
HULK THINK THAT TAKE THE CAKE FOR ENTIRE BOND SERIES.
SUPPORTING CAST:
SINCE HULK COVERED THE BOND GIRLS, REALLY IT ONLY ABOUT AURIC GOLDFINGER HIMSELF. FIRST OFF, GOLDFINGER PLAYED BY MAN NAMED GERT FRöBE COMPLETE WITH UMLAUT. THAT NAME AWESOME. AND DESPITE HIS “I LIKE GOLD!” GIMMICK HULK SORT OF FIND HIM BE ONE OF MOST BORING VILLAINS OF BOND OEUVRE. HIS PLAN = STUPID. HIS TEAM OF PILOTS OBVIOUSLY NOT SHARE HIS INTERESTS. HIS HENCHMEN THROWS A HAT. HE CHEAT AT GOLF. AND ONCE OVERPOWERED HE RUN AROUND HELPLESS. THE ONLY INTERESTING THING HE EVER DO = THREATEN KILL THE SOURCE OF JAMES BOND’S POWER…
AND NO FORGET CEC LINDER’S ONE AND ONLY PERFORMANCE AS FELIX… THAT ALL HULK GOT HONESTLY.
I EXISTED!
DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: THREE SMASHES OUT OF FIVE.
BETTY’S TAKE: “Was that the one where the chick was dipped in gold? I think I remember that one. How many freaking bonds have we watched so far? When does Sean Connery come back cause I’m not feeling Roger Moore one iota.”
