IT REALLY THE MOST EPIC HAIR SNIFF IN HISTORY OF CINEMA.
PURE JOY
*HULK THANK GO TO BETTY FOR THE Q+D P.S.
HULK’S MEGA-SUPER REVIEW OF GREEN LANTERN!
THE GOOD:
-PETER SARSGAARD
THE BAD:
-THE REST OF IT
HULK’S FAVORITE MOVIES (VOL II): HAPPY-GO-LUCKY (2008)
MIKE LEIGH MIGHT BE BEST FILMMAKER IN THE WORLD.
THAT TOUGH DISTINCTION GIVE ANYONE, ONE THAT LOADED WITH ALL SORTS EXPECTATIONS FROM EVERY KIND OF DISCERNING TASTE IMAGINABLE. STILL, IT ONE THOSE THINGS THAT JUST FEEL TRUE. SURE, IF HULK JUST WANTED BE SAFE ABOUT THE WHOLE THING, HULK COULD HAVE JUST SAID LEIGH ONE OF “FAVORITE” FILMMAKERS… BUT REALLY THAT JUST FEEL LIKE A WASTE OF WORDS.
MIKE LEIGH MORE SPECIAL THAN THAT.
IT NO HELP THAT LEIGH ALSO ONE OF MOST MISUNDERSTOOD FILMMAKERS ON PLANET. THE CENTRAL TALKING POINT FOR HIS CAREER ABOUT HIS PROCESS AND “IMPROVISATIONAL” STYLE, BUT THIS MISCONSTRUED DEDUCTION. THE POPULAR UNDERSTANDING OF MIKE LEIGH’S PROCESS THAT HE COME UP WITH IDEA, GET ACTORS TOGETHER, THEN THEY JUST SORT OF DICK AROUND AND REHEARSE, FIGURE IT OUT, AND THEY SHOOT THE MOVIE LOOSELY CREATING THIS “NATURAL” TONE HE SO FAMOUS FOR.
BUT THIS NOT WHAT HAPPEN. WHATSOEVER.
IT ACTUALLY BEGIN WHEN LEIGH WRITE A FIRST DRAFT OF MOVIE. HULK, HAVING PERSONALLY READ SOME OF THESE FIRST DRAFTS, CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THESE NOT JUST SET OF BLUEPRINTS OR OUTLINE, BUT TRUE-BLUE PROTO-VERSIONS OF THE EVENTUAL FILM. AND THEY OFTEN BETTER THAN MOST SCRIPTS HULK EVER READ. WHAT FOLLOW NEXT A PERIOD OF REHEARSAL FOR SEVERAL WEEKS WITH CAST. THROUGH VERY ORGANIC PROCESS, THE REHEARSAL ESSENTIALLY INFORM A NEW VERSION OF THE SCRIPT BASED ON WHAT THEY DISCOVERED TOGETHER. SOMETIMES IT SIMPLE AS LINES ADJUSTED TO FIT ACTOR’S CADENCE. OCCASIONALLY THEY DISCOVER WHAT NOT WORKING. AND YES, IDEAS STREAMLINED FOR SURE, BUT IT NOT LIKE THE MOVIE MADE UP THERE ON THE SPOT. THEY THEN SHOOT THE FILM WITH NEWLY-ESTABLISHED, FULLY-DEVELOPED SCRIPT IN PLACE.
THE TRUTH IS THIS LIKE LOT OTHER PRE-PRODUCTION PROCESSES IT JUST LEIGH’S: 1) A LOT LONGER 2) VERY CAREFUL + EXACTING, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY 3) SCHEDULED BEFOREHAND.
…IF ONLY ALL MOVIES COULD DO THIS.
WHAT FUNNY THAT THIS FAMOUS PROCESS SPUR ON ANOTHER WORD PEOPLE ALSO LOVE THROW AROUND WHEN DESCRIBING LEIGH’S WORK: “THEATRICAL.” WHICH ONLY TRUE IN SENSE THAT THIS REHEARSAL-HEAVY STYLE DELIBERATELY TAKEN FROM LEIGH’S DAYS OF DIRECTING THE LONDON STAGE. BUT THAT REALLY WHERE COMPARISONS END. IN TERMS OF ACTUAL SCREEN CONTENT AND “STYLE, HIS WORK LACK ALL SENSE OF THEATRICALITY. SURE, LEIGH NOT ONE FOR OVERT CINEMATIC STYLINGS. HE JUST FAVOR THE FORGOTTEN ART OF “INVISIBLE FILMMAKING.” EVERY EDIT CONTROLLED AND SPECIFIC WHILE BARELY NOTICING. THE CINEMATOGRAPHY GENTLE AND MEASURED, THE AUDIENCE ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THEY JUST ANOTHER PERSON IN ROOM INVOLVED IN CONVERSATION. THE CAMERA RARELY MOVE, BUT THE CHARACTERS AND SETTING MANAGE FILL THE SPACE INSTEAD. HULK FASCINATED BY HIS CONTINUOUS USE OF TWO-SHOTS. LEIGH USE THEM MORE THAN ANY DIRECTOR HULK EVER SEEN (1) AND HE FAVOR THESE SLIGHTLY ASYMMETRIC PERSPECTIVES TO HIGHLIGHT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE CHARACTERS. TO LEIGH, THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, ALL THE TIME, ALWAYS. THE EFFECT OF DOING SO TWO-FOLD: 1) IT ACHIEVE THE NATURALISM THAT LEIGH SEEKING ESTABLISH IN HIS WORLDS AND 2) IT AN EXAMPLE OF TRULY PURE ECONOMICAL FILMMAKING.
BUT THIS JUST AESTHETICS. IT THE THEMATICS WHERE LEIGH TRULY THRIVE.
SEE, MORE THAN ANYONE, MIKE LEIGH KEENLY AWARE OF THE CONVENTIONS OF MOVIES. AND HE UTILIZE AUDIENCE EXPECTATIONS SO SLYLY AS TO MAKE HULK SHAKE HEAD IN WONDER AND AWE. NOW THESE CINEMATIC CONVENTIONS THAT USED NOT THE SAME AS, SAY, QUENTIN TARANTINO OR EDGAR WRIGHT, WHO OFTEN THEM IN A CINEMATIC SENSE; MEANING THEY MAY BREAK SUDDENLY BREAK INTO A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STYLE OF FILM: ACTION, ROMANCE, ANYTHING THAT SERVE THE LARGER STORY. THIS NOT TO IMPLY TARANTINO AND WRIGHT SIMPLY APING THE FORMATS AS EMPTY GESTURES. THEY USE THEM TO REINFORCE AN EMOTIONAL OR CHARACTER BEAT IN SPIRIT OF “CINEMATIC AMPLIFICATION.” BUT HULK JUST SAYING THAT LEIGH’S FILMS INSTEAD TROD ALONG WITH THEIR REALISTIC STYLE, UNVEILING THE WAYS IN WHICH THEY PLAY WITH YOUR EXPECTATIONS ON PURE STORY LEVEL. THAT RIGHT, MIKE LEIGH WORK LIKE TARANTINO BUT ON PURE STORYTELLING 101 LEVEL! AND THE RESULTS ALWAYS SPECTACULAR.
WHICH BRING HULK TO HAPPY-GO-LUCKY.
HULK TRULY WARY OF DESCRIBING IT AS “ONE OF BEST MOVIES EVER” BEFORE SOMEONE HAVE SEEN IT. THE TRUTH THAT EVEN WHILE WATCHING IT YOU PROBABLY HAVE NO IDEA WHY HULK THINK SO HIGHLY OF IT. THIS CAUSE IT ONE OF THOSE MOVIE THAT NOT GOOD UNTIL YOU REALIZING EXACTLY WHAT IT DOING AND WHY. AND HONESTLY, LARGELY DEPENDENT ON HOW INTERESTING YOU FIND SAID ALTERATIONS OF EXPECTATION. HULK NO EVEN REALIZE WHAT SO TRULY PROFOUND UNTIL HULK HAD TIME TO CONTEMPLATE AFTERWARDS.
BASED SIMPLY ON PREMISE ALONE, HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ABOUT THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF BEING A HAPPY, OPTIMISTIC PERSON IN AN OH-SO-CYNICAL WORLD. THE FILM’S MAIN CHARACTER, POPPY, A FLIGHTY SCHOOLTEACHER WHO ALWAYS ASSUME THE BEST IN PEOPLE NO MATTER HOW IT MAY GET HER IN “TROUBLE.” FIRST OFF, AS SIMPLE AS THIS PREMISE SOUND, HULK FIND IT INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT KIND OF SUBJECT THAT NOT NEARLY EXPLORED ENOUGH… IF AT ALL. AND WHILE THE FILM NEVER QUITE VEER FORM THIS STORYLINE (MEANING THERE NO TWIST OR ACTUAL NARRATIVE SHIFT) IT TRULY ALTER HOW IT GOING ABOUT THAT STORY IN VERY SUBTLE WAY. AND THAT WHY IT ONE BEST MOVIES EVER MADE.
COMPLETE AND TOTAL “SPOILERS” FROM HERE ON IN (2):
EVEN THOUGH THE MOVIE VERY REALISTIC -FEELING (NO HIGH-KEY LIGHTING, ETC), IT STILL CAREFULLY SET UP TO RESEMBLE THE STORY OF STANDARD ROMANTIC-COMEDY. THERE POPPY, THE TITULAR HAPPY-GO-LUCKY FIGURE WHOSE FRIENDS AND FAMILY TELL HER SHE HAVE BE MORE GUARDED WITH HER TRUST AND THAT SHE NEED BE MORE SERIOUS ABOUT LIFE. POPPY THEN MEET SCOTT, HER BY-THE-BOOK CURMUDGEONLY DRIVING INSTRUCTOR. POPPY’S HAPHAZARD AND CARE-FREE JOYFUL WAYS BOTH INFURIATE AND YET STILL DEEPLY ATTRACTIVE TO SCOTT. REMEMBER THIS EXPERTLY MADE FILM, SO THIS WHOLE DYNAMIC NO FEEL STAGED OR CAMPY OR INDIE OR TWEE OR ANYTHING REMOTELY CLOSE TO THAT. STILL BASED ON OUR ENTIRE HISTORY OF WATCHING MOVIES, IT ABSOLUTELY CLEAR WHAT THE EXPECTATION FOR THESE TWO CHARACTERS…
… AND THEN… THINGS BECOME DIFFERENT… AND YOU REALIZE THAT NOT THE KIND OF MOVIE YOU WATCHING AT ALL.
IT NOT LIKE LEIGH PULL RUG OUT FROM AUDIENCE. THERE NO SUDDEN TURN IN PLOT, OR STYLE, OR EVEN NARRATIVE. HE NEVER THAT CHEAP. IT JUST IN THAT THERE A SUDDEN MOMENT OF VIOLENCE THAT CULMINATE IN SCOTT GRABBING POPPY BY THE HAIR IN UNCONTROLLABLE ANGER AND IT SUDDENLY DAWN ON YOU: SCOTT HAVE REAL EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS. AT FIRST WE JUST WILLING DISMISS THEM AS IDIOSYNCRASIES, EVEN THE TIMES WHERE IT SKEWED A BIT ODD. BUT THEN THE VIEWER FORCED REALIZE THEY MUCH MORE THAN THAT. AND THAT THE ENTIRE MOVIE BEEN BUILDING TO THIS POINT. SCOTT’S PARANOID CONSPIRACY THEORIES? THE (SEEMINGLY HUMOROUS) STALKING. THE DEEP-SEEDED SEXUAL ATTRACTION AND HIS LACK OF COMFORT WITH IT. LEIGH CAREFULLY SHOWED THE UNBALANCED REALITY OF SCOTT THE WHOLE TIME, BUT BECAUSE IT IN FRAMEWORK OF TRADITIONAL MOVIE DYNAMIC, THE AUDIENCE ALWAYS ASSUME THESE TWO CRAZY LOVE BIRDS GOING FIND HAPPINESS TOGETHER DESPITE THE ODDS. BUT LEIGH NO INTERESTED IN TERRIBLE ROMANTIC PSYCHOLOGICAL CLAP TRAP. HE INTERESTED IN THE GREATER TRUTHS OF HUMAN NATURE, SPECIFICALLY THE ONES THAT FLY IN THE FACE OF CINEMATIC EXPECTATION. SO INSTEAD OF ROMANTIC FIREWORKS, POPPY PUT HERSELF AT PHYSICAL RISK TO ONCE AGAIN EMBRACE HER KIND NATURE AND GENUINELY TRY HELP SCOTT. SHE FEEL PITY FOR HIM AND IT GENUINELY HEARTBREAKING MOMENT.
AND THIS POPPY’S SOLE REWARD FOR HER RELENTLESS POSITIVE NATURE? NOT BY LONG SHOT.
EARLIER IN FILM WE MEET TIM, A HANDSOME AND SENSITIVE SOCIAL WORKER WHO AUDIENCE INSTANTLY DISTRUST CAUSE HANDSOME PEOPLE ALWAYS JERKS IN MOVIES. AND BESIDES, IN AUDIENCE’S MIND POPPY ALREADY “PROMISED” TO SCOTT. BUT EVENTUALLY WE REALIZE THESE STUPID ASSUMPTIONS. TIM TURNS OUT BE AN AMAZING PERSON AND HE FULLY UNDERSTAND AND POPPY. BETTER YET, THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT IMPORTANT ABOUT WORLD, BASED ON EARLIER SCENE IN WHICH THEY BOTH HELP A TROULBED CHILD IN POPPY’S CLASS. WHAT PERHAPS MOST BRILLIANT ABOUT ALL THIS THAT LEIGH NOT GIVE US ANY INDICATION WHATSOEVER THAT SCOTT A ROMANTIC HERO OR THAT TIM A JERK OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. IT PURELY A CONSTRUCT OF THE AUDIENCE’S MIND.
HULK LOVE IT BECAUSE IT SERVE AS ABSOLUTE EVISCERATION OF SOME HORRIBLE THEMATIC CONVENTIONS OF THE ROMANTIC COMEDY GENRE, FOR EXAMPLE:
(1) THE MODERN HIGH-MINDED WOMAN FALLING FOR THE ASSHOLE
(2) ALL THE ASSHOLE NEEDING JUST TO BE CHALLENGED
(3) OR THE ASSHOLE JUST NEEDING BE LOVED
(4) THAT THE HANDSOME “OTHER” GUY INHERENTLY A JERK
(5) THAT GOOD PEOPLE SOMEHOW BAD JUDGE OF CHARACTER OR “LIKE ALL THE WRONG GUYS”
(6) FUNNY + SILLY TYPES CANT BE SEXY AND IF ARE THEY RELEGATED TO SIDEKICK STATUS AND YET STILL MAN-EATERS FOR SOME REASON
(7) IT IMPOSSIBLE TO FIT SMART, SERIOUS CONTENT ALONG WITH THE ROMANCE CAUSE IT “A DOWNER”
(8) THAT PEOPLE BECAUSE PEOPLE ATTRACTED TO THINGS FOREIGN TO THEM, THEY MUST CREATE REALITY WHERE THESE INCONGRUITIES SOMEHOW WORK
AND MOST HORRIBLY, (9) THAT KINDNESS WILL BE PUNISHED.
… SERIOUSLY, WHAT REALISTIC OR HUMAN ABOUT ANY OF THESE?
AND WHAT CAUSE WRITERS TO EVEN CREATE THESE ODD, DISGUSTING THEMES FOR ROMANTIC?
FOR ONE, IT EASIER. STORIES HAVE BE ABOUT CONFLICT AND DRAMA SO REALLY THERE NO EASIER SOLUTION THAN “THEY HATE EACH OTHER, THEY LOVE EACH OTHER!” THIS ACTUALLY OKAY IN SOME WAYS. TONS OF HULK’S FAVORITE MOVIES FROM 40’S KICK ASS WITH THIS CONCEIT. BUT IT THE KIND OF STALE THIS DAY AND AGE WHERE IT NOW SO RECYCLED YET POPULAR THAT WE SOMEHOW CONDITIONED TO THINK THIS HUMAN TRUTH… UGH.
AND THIS MAY BE SHOCK, BUT HULK HAVE TELL YOU WRITERS CAN TEND TO BE MISANTHROPIC BUNCH. WHICH MEAN THAT HAPPY PEOPLE PUNISHED AND FORCED LEARN TO EMBRACE SADNESS AND REALITIES OF WORLD. ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE SUCK. RICH PEOPLE SUCK. AND SO MANY OF THEM CAN BARELY UNDERSTAND THE OTHER SEX OUTSIDE WHAT THEY HATE ABOUT THEM. GUESS THAT WHERE THE “WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW” PART COME IN. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE THAT THEY PUT HAPPY LITTLE BOW ON END.
IT REGRETTABLE THAT ROMANTIC COMEDIES BECOME SOME HORRIBLE BUZZWORD. HULK OF THE SHAKESPEAREAN MIND THAT ALL STORIES THAT NO END TRAGEDY = JUST COMEDIES. AND UNLESS INDULGING IN ABSURDITY, THEN ALL THOSE MOVIES JUST REALLY ROMANTIC COMEDIES.(3) BUT THE CONSCIOUS AMERICAN-CINEMA-GOING-ADULT COME TO HATE THE TRADITIONAL VERSION OF THESE MOVIES CAUSE THEY ALWAYS SOME DUMB BATTLES OF SEXES WITH COMPLETELY UNCALLED FOR HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER. IT IT JUST BECAUSE THE WRITER HAVE MAKE WORLD WHERE THE CHARACTERS PROBLEMS MAGICALLY WORK OUT.
BUT NOT HAPPY-GO-LUCKY.
THE FILM NOT ABOUT HAPPY PEOPLE COMING TO GRIPS WITH CYNICAL WORLD. IT ABOUT HAPPY PEOPLE GETTING THE THINGS THEY BOTH DESERVE AND EARN THROUGH THEIR EFFORTS. POPPY A CONCERNED TEACHER. TIM A CONCERNED SOCIAL WORKER. HULK THINK IT NO MISTAKE THEY BOTH PART OF “THE SYSTEM.” THEY BOTH PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN THE SANCTITY OF EFFORT, OTHER PEOPLE, AND WORKING FOR COMMUNITIES.(4) THEY NOBLE PEOPLE AND THEY CERTAINLY NOT DISILLUSIONED. THEY FACE PROBLEMS, CONFLICT, ALL THAT STUFF. BUT THEY JUST WORK HARD AND CHOOSE HAPPINESS. LEIGH FIND HIS STORY BY LOOKING THROUGH LENS OF REALITY AND NOT THE WARPED REALITY OF MOVIES.
SO WHERE THE DRAMA? THAT NOT NECESSARY? HOW THIS EVEN A GOOD MOVIE?
AFTER ALL, POPPY HAVE NO ARC. SHE NO GROW UP BEFORE AUDIENCE EYES. SHE NO HAVE EPIPHANIES. SHE STAY THE SAME. THE THING THAT CHANGE THE AUDIENCE AND OUR UNDERSTANDING OF HER. WHEN DONE WELL, THESE SOME OF HULK’S FAVORITE MOVIES. WHEN DONE POORLY, THESE SOME OF HULK’S LEAST FAVORITE MOVIES. THE AUDIENCE START OF THINKING OF POPPY AS THE VICTIM, THE DITZ WHO WILL FAIL AT LIFE. BUT THE FILM SLOWLY REVEAL HER AS NOT JUST COMPETENT, NOT JUST VERY SERIOUS ABOUT HER JOB, BUT SOMEONE WHO TRULY SPECIAL. LEIGH EVEN DEFTLY HANDLE HER SEXUALITY. WE FIRST THINK HER A FLIGHTY, CRAZY-DRESSING BEAN-POLE, BUT IN THE SCENE AFTER HER FIRST NIGHT WITH TIM, WE SEE THEN POPPY IN HER UNDERWEAR AND LIKEWISE IN A NEW CONTEXT. THE SCENE NON-OVERTLY BATHED IN GENTLE GRAYISH SUNLIGHT. IT BOTH REALISTIC AND POSITIVE. HER SEXUALITY= QUIET, STILL, AND CONFIDENT. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY IT FIRST TIME THE FILM TREAT HER AS UNDENIABLY SEXY. SHE NOT DIFFERENT. THE CINEMA STYLE NOT GO ALL BODY HEAT ON US. IT JUST PRESENT NEW LIGHT. IT AN INCREDIBLY SUBTLE SCENE, YET ABSOLUTELY EFFECTIVE.
AND AS FOR EVERYBODY’S CRITICISMS OF POPPY’S JOVIAL QUALITIES? THE ONES AUDIENCE THINK GOING TO EVENTUALLY CATCH UP WITH HER? THEY JUST REFLECTIONS OF THE OTHER CHARACTER’S DISAPPOINTMENTS. THEIR OWN DEPRESSION. THEIR CHOICES.(5)
SO POPPY DEFIES THEM AND TRUSTS HER OWN HUMANITY.
AND REALLY, POPPY’S GREATEST HEROISM NOT JUST STANDING UP TO THEM, BUT STANDING UP AND BEING DEFIANT TO THE AUDIENCE.
MIKE LEIGH, ALWAYS, AND WITH NO EXCEPTION HERE, HAS CREATED A WORK SO COMPLETE WITH BRILLIANT STORY TELLING AND YET IT SO ACHINGLY COMPASSIONATE.
AND FOR THAT HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ONE OF HULKS FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME.
…. OH AND ONE LAST THING…
IF YOU THINK HULK OVERESTIMATING LEIGH’S WORTH, THAT THIS JUST HULK BEING OVER GRACIOUS TO FILMMAKER NOT A LOT “LOVE” OR EVEN “HEARD OF,” AND THAT THIS APPRAISAL NOT IN LINE WITH “GENERAL CONSENSUS” AND HULK JUST TALKING OUT “HULK BUTT”, THEN KNOW THIS YOU OH-DEFENDER-OF-POPULISM…
MIKE LEIGH HAVE THE HIGHEST PER-MOVIE-FRESH-RATING AVERAGE ON ROTTEN TOMATOES.
SO HEY, MAYBE MIKE LEIGH THE BEST FILMMAKER IN THE WORLD?
(1) THIS NOT COUNTING KEVIN SMITH. WHOSE EARLY FILMS USED TWO SHOTS OUT OF NEED. THEY ALSO FRAMED HORRIBLY.
(2) IT FEEL WEIRD USING TERM “SPOILER” IN A MOVIE AS MEASURED AND HUMAN AS THIS ONE. HULK COULD HAVE JUST SAY “HULK GOING TALK ABOUT ENDING NOW.”
(3) APATOW MOVIES? ABSOLUTELY JUST ROMANTIC COMEDIES. THOSE INDIE “DRAMADIES’ JUST ROMANTIC COMEDIES WITH MORE SERIOUS OVERTONES. EVEN THE BIG BUDGET SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS END WITH EVERYTHING SET RIGHT AND HERO “GETTING THE GIRL.”* IN TERMS FORMULA, THEY ABSOLUTELY COMEDIES.
*IF THEY NO GET THE GIRL THOUGH IT USUALLY THE TURN BEING SOME WEIRD SEXUAL OBSTRUCTION WHERE THE HERO AND GIRL CAN NO BE TOGETHER, BUT USUALLY THIS SOME JUST TO DELAY ACTUAL STORYTELLING SINCE THEY HAVE NOTHING MORE TO SAY FURTHER THAN “THEY LOVE EACH OTHER NOW!” OR WORSE OUT OF SOME STRANGE PURITANICAL INCLINATION TO KEEP SUPERHEROES A-SEXUAL… HULK JUST REALIZED HE USED SUPERHERO/BIG BUDGET SUMMER MOVIES INTERCHANGABLY… IT BEEN WEIRD DECADE.
(4) IT NO ACCIDENT SCOTT ACHINGLY PROUD OF HIS INDEPENDENCE AND OUTSIDE BUSINESSES AND NOT BEING RELIANT ON OTHER PEOPLE. NOT SURPRISINGLY IT ONLY BREED UNHAPPINESS. AND WHAT A COINCIDENCE, HULK JUST HAD LOTS THOUGHTS ON ISOLATING OUTWARD NATURES.
(5) HULK NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT IT MUCH CAUSE CONCENTRATING ON LEIGH, BUT SALLY HAWKINS AND THE ENTIRE CAST IN THIS MOVIE SO FUCKING GOOD THAT HULK NO EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
RANDOM: IF CURIOUS ABOUT MIKE LEIGH’S CRITICAL STUFF CHECK OUT WORK OF RAY CARNEY. HE THE WORLDS LEADING AUTHORITY ON CASSAVETES AND WHEN HE WROTE EVERY POSSIBLE WORD ON HIM, CARNEY TRANSITION TO MIKE LEIGH. A STELLAR DECISION AND THERE HUGE SIMILARITIES IN THE WORK, NAMELY THEY BOTH MISTAKEN FOR THEIR IMPROVISATIONAL STYLES (CASSAVETES WROTE HIS MOVIES)… CARNEY ALSO CRAZY SEXIST.
HULK VS. THE CHURCH OF SOUTH PARK
SELF AGGRANDIZING UPDATE! LOTS OF FOLKS COMING INTO THIS PIECE AFTER CLICKING THE LINK FROM THE ESCAPIST. HI! THIS HULK. HULK LIKE MOVIES AND WRITE ABOUT THEM. FOLLOW HULK ON TWITTER IF SO WISH. ENJOY THIS ARTICLE. KTHANKSBYE.
IT HAD TO GET HERE EVENTUALLY.
IN LAST WEEK’S SEASON FINALE OF SOUTH PARK ENTITLED “YOU’RE GETTING OLD” THE MAIN CHARACTER(S), AND BY PROXY THE WRITERS THEMSELVES, CAME TO A POINT OF CRITICAL MASS: THEY OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGED THEY SICK OF THEIR SHOW’S MODUS OPERANDI AND IT TIME CHANGE. THIS NOT AN INTERPRETATION. IT EXPRESSED RATHER DIRECTLY. THE SHOW’S MAIN CHARACTER, STAN, CAME TO POINT OF INCREDIBLE ISOLATION WHERE HE JUST HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD AND HAVE VOICE HIS CRITICISM. THE, EVER LITERAL, COMICALLY SHOWCASE A WORLD WHERE INDEED, “EVERYTHING IS SHIT.”
OBVIOUSLY, THE EPISODE STAND AS OBVIOUS OUTWARD CRITIQUE OF THE “CYNICAL ASSHOLES” OF THE WORLD, I.E. THE JERKS WHO SEEMINGLY CAN NO ENJOY ANYTHING. BUT ULTIMATELY, IT ONE OF RARE MOMENTS THAT SOUTH PARK POINT THE CRITICISM INWARD. MATT + TREY SEEMED SAY THEY ABSOLUTELY SICK WITH WHAT THE SHOW HAS BECOME. WORSE, THEY PERHAPS REALIZED THEY HAD BECOME LIKE STAN. AS RESULT, SOMETHING HAD TO CHANGE. CHANGE IT DID. STAN’S OFF BY HIMSELF. RANDY AND SHARON DIVORCE (FOR REAL, NOT A ONE-OFF GESTURE MAKING FUN OF DIVORCE), AND KYLE AND CARTMAN MIGHT NOW BE… GULP.. FRIENDS?
IN THIS SENSE OF ADDRESSING INWARD, CHANGING THE SHOW FOR REAL, AND NOT JUST FOR CHANGE’S SAKE, HULK FOUND IT TO BE THE BEST EPISODE THE SHOW HAS EVER PRODUCED. NOT FUNNIEST, MIND YOU. BEST. THERE DIFFERENCE. BUT THIS ESTIMATION SHOULD NO BE SURPRISING EITHER. THERE SOMETHING ALWAYS MORE POWERFUL ABOUT INWARD RESONANCE THAN OUTWARD RESONANCE. IT A BASIC DIFFERENCE OF “I HAVE” INSTEAD OF “YOU SHOULD” AND IT THE VERY NATURE OF BEING INCLUSIVE.
IT LIKELY HELP THAT HULK THINK SOUTH PARK CONTINUE GET BETTER EVERY SEASON.(1) THE SHOW DEBUTED WITH A PUNK ROCK-NON-POLISHED SENSIBILITY,(2) THEN TURNED TO WEEK-TO-WEEK TOPICAL CONTRARIANISM, THEN EMBRACED ABJECT LIBERTARIAN CENTERISM, TO FINALLY BECOME SHOW THAT BALANCED THIS “SUBJECT OF THE WEEK” WITH FULLY-EXPLORED CHARACTERS AND RELATIONSHIPS THAT DEFINE SHOW. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, THE FLESHING OUT OF THEIR WORLD FROM ONE-NOTE JOKES TO DYNAMIC PERSONALITIES (TOKEN, CLYDE, JIMMY, NOT KILLING KENNY AND INSTEAD SORTA TURNING HIM INTO POON HOUND, AND EVERYTHING BUTTERS… ESPECIALLY HIS PARENTS) MADE THE SHOW CONSISTENTLY FUNNY, NOT SOLELY FUNNY DEPENDING ON POINTEDNESS OF MATT + TREY’S COMMENTARY. AS RESULT, THE SOUTH PARK HULK WATCH TODAY SOMETHING FAR MORE TEXTURED AND POLISHED THAN YEARS PAST.
STILL, DESPITE THIS POLISH, THE SHOW REACHED CRITICAL MASS DUE TO SINGULAR CONCEPTUAL REASON, ONE GIANT-HULK-SIZED FATAL-FLAW THAT ALWAYS PREVENT HULK FROM TRULY LOVING IT:
IT NEVER ACTUALLY STOOD FOR ANYTHING.
THE PROBLEM THAT THIS “NOT STANDING FOR ANYTHING” ALSO PART OF THE INITIAL ATTRACTION. WE LIVE IN TIME WHERE ANYTHING EVEN APPROACH TRADITIONAL “WHOLESOMENESS” THEN REGARDED AS ABJECT PREACHINESS, SENTIMENTAL SAP, AND JUST SOMETHING TO BE REVILED. AFTER ALL, PRACTICALITY = THE ENEMY OF COOL. AND LOVE + OPTIMISM= THE ENEMY OF HUMOR. AS RESULT, MODERN COMEDY “EDGE” SO RELIANT ON DETACHMENT THAT THINGS LIKE CHARACTER ARCS AND “BELIEVING IN THINGS” INADVERTENTLY REGARDED AS THINGS FOR EMOTIONAL SUCKERS. BUT SOUTH PARK PROMISED PLACE WHERE NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SAP OR SQUARE-ISM. IT AFFRONT YOU WITH VALUES.
WHICH MAKE IT ODD THAT SOUTH PARK ACTUALLY AN INCREDIBLY PREACHY SHOW. GRANTED, IT RARELY COME OFF AS SUCH BECAUSE OF THE MATT + TREY ALWAYS TRY APPEAL TO COMMON SENSE INSTINCTS AND AVOID FEATHER-RUFFLING PRATFALLS WITH THEIR DISTINCTLY LIBERTARIAN POLITICS. STILL, THIS A SHOW WHERE MAJORITY EPISODES END WITH STAN (OR SOMETIMES KYLE) GIVING APPROPRIATION OF SITUATION WITH DIRECT MONOLOGUE TO AUDIENCE. AND THIS RARELY OFFEND CAUSE SAID MONOLOGUE ALWAYS EITHER APE, OR GENUINELY REFLECT, GOOD OLE FASHIONED HUMANISM.
THE PROBLEM THAT THESE MESSAGES, WEEK AFTER WEEK, ALWAYS ABOUT WRONG WITH SOMETHING. REGARDLESS OF HOW “CORRECT” THEY ARE IT ALWAYS ABOUT WHAT WRONG WITH SOMEONE’S VIEW, BEHAVIOR, OR PERCEIVED EXCESSES. YES, IT MATT +TREY’S PREROGATIVE. THEY HUMORISTS/SATIRISTS AND THERE ALWAYS A TOPIC TO BE SKEWERED. MOST OF THESE TOPICS EVEN DESERVE IT. BUT IT NO CHANGE REALITY THAT EVERY WEEK THEY TAKING ON SOMETHING THEY FIND WRONG/ANNOYING/SILLY ABOUT SOCIETY.(3)
IT REALLY THE ONLY THING THE SHOW ABOUT.
IF PERSONIFYING SOUTH PARK, EVEN WHEN IT BEING MEASURED, EVEN IF IT JUST TRYING BE RATIONAL, THEY STILL THE CYNICAL ASSHOLE THAT HATE EVERYTHING AND TELL YOU WHY IT WRONG. AND SO OFTEN THESE MESSAGES ABOUT STUPID BEHAVIOR NOT ACTUALLY DEFENDING ANYTHING. THEY JUST TEARING A CONCEPT DOWN, OFTEN OFFERING NO BIGGER SOLUTION BEYOND THE SENSIBILITY OF MODERATION.(4) THE SHOW ONLY SEEM HAVE AN ATTACK-MODE. AGAIN, THIS SERVICEABLE, A MEANS TO AN OFTEN SUCCESSFUL COMEDIC END. AND AGAIN, MANY TIMES THE MESSAGES RESONATE AND POINT OUT SOMETHING THAT REALLY NEEDED OBSERVANCE.
IT JUST ULTIMATELY, HULK BELIEVE A SHOW HAVE BE MORE ABOUT SOMETHING THAN OUTWARD RESONANCE.
HULK NOT SAYING THEY HAVE HAVE SOME WHOLESOME BOY-SCOUT RAH-RAH MESSAGE. NOT AT ALL. BUT YOU HAVE THINK OF A SHOW LIKE A PERSON. THIS SOUND ODD, BUT VIEWERS, WHETHER AWARE OR NOT, TREAT SHOWS LIKE PEOPLE. THEY INVITE SHOWS INTO LIVING ROOM. SPEND TIME WITH THEM. IT ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP. AND UNLESS THERE SOMETHING TO THEM, AN INNATE KINDNESS OR GENEROSITY, AN INCLUSIVENESS, OR EVEN SELF-EFFACING HUMANISM, THEN THE RELATIONSHIP INHERENTLY LIMITED. THEN THE SHOW NOTHING MORE THAN THAT HILARIOUS GUY YOU CAN’T STAND ACTUALLY BEING AROUND.
IN FACT, THE ONLY WAY BE “INCLUDED” IN SOUTH PARK, TO COMMISERATE ABOUT SOMETHING YOU BOTH HATE. WHICH MEAN IT BREED COMMISERATING ONLY VIA SEPARATION FROM OTHERS. SIMPLY PUT, SOUTH PARK KINDA A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING.
WHICH ODD CAUSE HULK PRETTY SURE THAT NOT WHO MATT + TREY ACTUALLY ARE. LIBERTARIAN POLITICS ASIDE, IN INTERVIEWS THE TWO OF THEM VERY FRIENDLY AND GROUNDED. HULK EVEN MET MATT STONE A FEW TIMES AND COULD NOT BE NICER. THIS ACTUALLY MARGINAL EVIDENCE. WHAT FAR MORE TELLING = THAT IN THESE SAME INTERVIEWS THEY ALWAYS INSIST THEY SORT OF FIND “TOPIC OF WEEK” TO BE BOTHER AND THERE FAVORITE PARTS OF EPISODES WHERE KIDS JUST BEING KIDS OR WHEN THEY CAN JUST GO NUTS WITH THEIR OWN FUNNY STORY (IMAGINATIONLAND, THE TRAPPER KEEPER, ETC.). THESE OCCASIONAL FLOURISHES TEND TOUCH ON THESE MORE HUMAN, INCLUSIVE, INTIMATE MOMENTS. THEY NOT SAPPY. JUST MOMENTS WHERE THE LAUGHTER COME FROM RELATING INSTEAD INSTEAD OF MOCKING. HULK FIND THESE MOMENTS VERY TELLING, SOMETHING BUBBLING UNDER SURFACE, BUT THEY JUST SEEM TOO AFRAID MAKE IT HAPPEN IN LARGER CONTEXT. SOUTH PARK HAD BECOME DEFINED BY THE PUNK ROCK OR CRITIQUING SENSIBILITY, SO HULK FIGURE THEY MOSTLY COME DANCE WITH THE GIRL THEY BROUGHT. BUT IT ALWAYS IN THEM. TO DO SOMETHING BETTER. TO DO SOMETHING WE BARELY SEEN BEFORE.
LAST WEEK’S EPISODE FINALLY STRUCK OUT IN NEW DIRECTION.
AND HULK THINK THAT BASED ON HOW LONG THEY BEEN DOING THE UNSENTIMENTAL GAME (15 SEASONS) THE EARNED THE SHIT OUT OF THE RIGHT TO. HULK ACTUALLY FOUND KYLE AND CARTMAN GLANCING AT EACH OTHER PLAYING VIDEO GAMES TO BE MAYBE THE MOST CATHARTIC MOMENT IN SERIES. AND THERE NO SHOW THAT COULD THAT COULD HAVE PULLED OFF “LANDSLIDE” ENDING MONTAGE THIS DAY AND AGE WITHOUT ROLLING EYES, BUT SOUTH PARK CAN. BECAUSE THEY BOTH CLEARLY MOCKING IT AND YET, FOR ONE OF FIRST TIMES, MEANING IT FOR REAL.
AND NOW MAYBE SOUTH PARK CAN BECOME A TRULY GREAT SHOW INSTEAD OF JUST VERY FUNNY, SMART ONE. IF RANDY’S SEEMING REMOVAL, MEANS A SHIFTING FOCUS TO COMING OF AGE SHOW THEN HULK ON BOARD FOR FUTURE. NO MATTER WHAT IT WILL STILL BE SOUTH PARK FOR SURE, THAT UNDENIABLE. IT JUST DEPEND IF MATT AND TREY REALLY EMBRACE WHERE THEY AT.
EVEN SOUTH PARK HAS TO GROW THE FUCK UP.
STILL. THERE A CHANCE THAT NEXT SEASON COME AND TREY AND MATT SET EVERYTHING SQUARE AGAIN AND IT OFF ON THE WEEKLY ADVENTURES OF “WHAT TREND IDIOTIC NOW?” HULK WOULD NO BLAME THEM ENTIRELY.
THAT CAUSE THEY LIKELY HAVE WORRY ABOUT HOW THE CHURCH OF SOUTH PARK WILL REACT.
“THE CHURCH OF SOUTH PARK” AS HULK CALL IT = ONE OF THE UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES OF THE SHOW’S APPEAL TO MIDDLE OF THE ROAD PRAGMATISM. IN ADDRESSING THE SHOW WAY THEY DID, IT BECAME RALLYING POINT FOR NOT JUST THE LIBERTARIAN MINDED, BUT THOSE FOLK WHO DID NOT REALIZE THEY COULD BE LIBERTARIAN MINDED (READ: MARGINALLY DISILLUSIONED WITH CURRENT STATE OF THINGS OR SIMPLY NOT INTERESTED). AS RESULT A STEADY AUDIENCE GREW THAT TAUGHT RELY ON SOUTH PARK TEACHING THEM NEW IDEALS… NEW IDEALS TERRIBLE OF PUTTING IT… IT JUST TEACH THEM NOT TO EMBRACE SOMETHING STUPID. GOING WITH THAT, IF THE SHOW ALREADY REFLECT SIMILAR IDEALS TO YOUR OWN, THEN THE SHOWS WEEK-TO-WEEK SKEWERING OFTEN TACKLE SUBJECT VIEWER NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT MUCH BEFORE. AND SINCE THEY TEND AGREE WITH SOUTH PARK’S TAKE MOST OF TIME, THEN THEY INCLINED TO AGREE WITH THIS TAKE ON THE OTHER THING.
BUT THE SHOW’S IDENTITY SO CENTERED AROUND SELF-RELIANCE THAT HULK GUESS THAT TREY + MATT COULD HARDLY IMAGINE HAVING SUCH INFLUENTIAL EFFECT, BUT IT UNQUESTIONABLY CAPTIAL-T-TRUE. HULK WATCH IT ALL THE TIME. THE SHOW, AS RALLYING POINT FOR SELF-RELIANCE, UNWITTINGLY CREATE JUST ANOTHER GROUP THAT THINK THEY SELF-RELIANT TYPES. AND THUS, THEY LOOK OUTWARDLY AND MOCK. AND IN THAT GROUP, SOUTH PARK HAVE THE BIGGEST SOAPBOX BY FAR. IT ONE OF THOSE PARADOXES ESPECIALLY FOR SHOW WITH PUNK ROCK SENSIBILITIES. BUT THAT WHAT HAPPENED (AND IT NO COINCIDENCE THAT IT HAPPEN WITH PUNK ROCK TOO).
AND THIS WHERE THE TRUE COMPLICATION COME IN. SINCE ALL THEY STOOD FOR = RIDICULING SOMETHING WEEK TO WEEK, THAT MAKE THE SHOW NOT JUST A PERSONIFIED CYNICAL ASSHOLE, BUT IT UNINTENTIONALLY PREACHED BECOMING A CYNICAL ASSHOLE TOO.
OKAY, THIS SORT OF OVERSTATING THINGS. HULK NOT THINK EVERYONE WATCHING SOUTH PARK = CYNICAL ASSHOLES. THAT INSIPID (AND HULK WATCH SOUTH PARK TOO SO COME ON). NOR HULK IMPLYING THAT THERE SOMETHING STUPID ABOUT FOLKS TAKING LOT OF SOUTH PARK TAKES ON SUBJECTS TO HEART. MOST WHO DO OFTEN FAIRLY MEASURED PEOPLE.
IT JUST HULK BELIEVE WE DEFINED BY WHAT WE ACTUALLY EMBRACE IN THIS WORLD. LIKE THE THINGS WE LOVE. HULK LOVE MOVIES. YOU MAY LOVE SOMETHING ELSE: TEACHING, POTTERY, ART, MUSIC, BEER-BREWING, SPORTS, WHATEVER. THE KEY TO ENJOYING IT THAT YOU HAVE EMBRACE IT. EMBRACING THINGS WHAT PUT GOOD STUFF IN THE WORLD. AND SOUTH PARK ENDORSE A CULTURE THAT TERRIFIED TO EMBRACE ANYTHING. ONLY ONE THAT ENDORSE BEING CRITICAL OF PERCEIVED EXCESS.
ASIDE FROM LAUGHTER (WHICH BEYOND VALUABLE AND TOTALLY MERITORIOUS) THE ONLY THING SOUTH PARK VIEWERS CAN ACTUALLY EMBRACE = SOUTH PARK.
AND THAT THE PART HULK NOT SURE MATT + TREY ENTIRELY REALIZED YET: THEIR ROLE IN CREATING THE CYNICAL ASSHOLE EPIDEMIC THEY A) SKEWERING AND B) REALIZING PART OF THEIR SELF-PERPETUATING PROBLEM.
THIS ALL SPEAK TO LARGER ISSUE TOO. HULK HATE GET POLITICAL IN THESE THINGS, BUT HERE IT SORT OF QUALIFIED BECAUSE IT DIRECTLY RELATED TO SUBJECT. THE PROBLEMS WITH LIBERTARIANISM INTRINSIC TO WHAT OUTLINED ABOVE. MAINLY, THAT THE ABSENCE OF SYSTEM IS NOT A SYSTEM. WORSE, ABANDONING STRONG SYSTEMS LEAD TO VACUUMS WHICH ALWAYS CREATE WORSE SYSTEMS.
THE GENERIC HISTORY OF THE LIBERTARIAN INCLINATION GO LIKE THIS: A LONG, LONG TIME AGO PEOPLE REALIZED THAT BY FORMING GROUPS THEY HAD STRONGER CHANCES SURVIVE, THRIVE, AND BE CONTENT (BIOLOGICAL IMPERATIVES TO MATE WITH NON-FAMILY MEMBERS HELPED TOO). THESE GROUPS CREATE COMMUNITIES, ONES THAT REALIZED THEY NEEDED PALPABLE SYSTEMS OF ORDER SO THAT RISE ABOVE ANARCHY. EVENTUALLY THESE SYSTEMS BECAME “LAWS” AND “GOVERNMENT.” EVEN IN MOST RUDIMENTARY STATE, THESE SYSTEMS BY VERY NATURE, DEEPLY FLAWED. THUS BORE THE LIBERTARIAN NOTION, WHICH, LOGICALLY, SEEKS TO LIMIT THE POWER OF THIS FLAWED SYSTEM. THE PROBLEM THAT THEY SOMEONE FORGETTING THE INCREDIBLE NEED THAT DEVELOP THESE SYSTEMS IN FIRST PLACE. SINCE SUMERIAN TIMES THIS DYNAMIC EXISTED (READ: IT NOT A NEW PROBLEM). THE INHERENT COMPLICATION COME FROM FACT THAT STRICT ADHERENCE TO THE LIBERTARIAN VALUE PRODUCE A REALITY THAT FAR WORSE. EVERY TIME WE SEEK TO LIMIT THE AFFECT OF SYSTEMIC COMMUNITY SERVICES, WE ESSENTIALLY ADVOCATING A MOVE BACK TOWARD ANARCHIC SQUALOR. AND IF THERE’S ANYTHING THAT ANARCHIC SQUALOR BREEDS IT’S DESPERATION. AND IF THERE ANYTHING DESPERATION BREEDS IT’S OPPORTUNISM. AND OPPORTUNISM BREEDS OPPRESSION (HULK GOING ALL YODA ON YOU) .ONLY THIS OPPRESSION FREE FROM GOVERNMENT INSTEAD OF BEING OF THE GOVERNMENT (WHICH HAVE CHECKS, BALANCES, PRESS, AND GENERAL ACCOUNTABILITY). IT A BIT OF A PARADOX BUT IT MAKE SENSE. BY ADVOCATING POLITICAL LIBERTARIANISM, THEY NO REALIZE IT ACTUALLY AN EXTREME POSITION.
PUT IT THIS WAY: FOR SOUTH PARK, FOR A SHOW ABOUT “BALANCE” THEY DO NOT REALIZE THEY ACTUALLY ON THE EXTREME END WITH THE OPPOSING SIDE BEING TOTALITARIANISM.
THE ABSENCE OF A SYSTEM IS NOT A SYSTEM.
JUST LIKE SAYING THINGS THAT IF ONLY TEARING TRENDS DOWN MAKE YOU A CYNICAL ASSHOLE, CREATING A POLITICAL SYSTEM THAT ONLY TEAR SERVICES DOWN IN NAME OF “RIGHT TO INDEPENDENCE” = EQUALLY HORRIBLE.
AND BORN FROM THIS ABSOLUTE DESIRE TO ABSTAIN FROM EMBRACING TRENDS, HULK CANNOT COUNT THE AMOUNT OF TIMES THE SHOW HAVE CREATED POINTS THAT MEANT AS “MEDIATED,” BUT THEY ACTUALLY ADVOCATING SOMETHING HORRIBLE: PROVERBIAL ANARCHIC SQUALOR. IN EFFORT TO SKEWER THE HYSTERIA, FERVOR, OR EVEN PASSION OF SUBJECT, THEY ALWAYS SKEWER THE CONTENT OF MESSAGE REGARDLESS. AND SOMETIMES THEY SHITTING ON SOMETHING COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY VALID. AND IT NO LIKE THESE JUST SHOWS THAT HULK DISAGREE WITH. IT THE CASE WHERE THEIR MEASURED “CENTEREDNESS” ACTUALLY ADVOCATING AN EXTREME.
EXAMPLES:
-BLOOY MARY
A.K.A. THE STUNNINGLY MISGUIDED SHOW THAT CRITICIZED ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS FOR ITS DISEASE CONCEPT AND RELIGIOUS OVERTONES. IT LAMPOONED THE IDEA OF SUBMITTING ONES PROBLEMS TO SOMETHING STRONGER THAN THEMSELVES. AFTER ALL, THE ONLY ALCOHOLICS NEED IS A LITTLE FUCKING DISCIPLINE. SERIOUSLY. THAT THEIR TAKE…. HULK SEE WHY THEY WENT AFTER THIS AS A.A. MESSAGE SEEM LIKE STARK ATTACK ON THE SANCTITY OF INDIVIDUAL SOVEREIGNTY (A FOCUL-POINT TO THE LIBERTARIAN IDEAL). WHAT IT COMPLETELY MISS THAT VAST MAJORITY OF ALCOHOLICS PEOPLE WHO SIMPLY NO HAVE THE CAPACITY FOR DISCIPLINE. THIS LACK STEM FROM HOST OF OTHER FACTORS AND SINCE ALCOHOL HAVE LITERAL DRUG EFFECTS, THEY SIMPLY ARE FIGHTING SOMETHING BIGGER THAN THEMSELVES. SO FOR THEM, DISPLINE HAS TO BE IN FORM OF ABSOLUTION. AND THAT PARADOX DOES NOT COMPUTE WITH SOUTH PARK’S SENSE OF MEDIATION. ALCOHOL MEDIATION WORK THEM AND IT WORK FOR HULK. BUT NOT FOR EVERYONE. A LITTLE ABSOLUTION SAVE A.A. MEMBER’S LIVES.
-DOUCHE AND TURD
AN ON-THE-NOSE METAPHOR FOR THE 2004 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. IT MAKE FUN ANYONE WHO THINK THERE ACTUALLY A DIFFERENCE IN TWO HORRIBLE CANDIDATES. NOW IGNORING POLITICAL INCLINATION ONE WAY OR OTHER, IF THE PRESUMED PROBLEM THAT THEY EQUALLY BAD AND ONE NOT SIMPLY AGREEING/DISAGREEING WITH CONSERVATISM, THEN HULK THINK IF FAIR SAY EVERYONE NOW REALIZE THAT ONE OF THEM WAY, WAY WORSE.(3A)
-TWO DAYS BEFORE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW
IT LARGELY JUST MAKES FUN OF THE POST-KATRINA HYSTERIA. LEST HULK REMIND ALL THAT PEOPLE BEING HYSTERIC CAUSE AN AMERICAN CITY JUST DESTROYED. AND THAT MAY ACTUALLY BE SOMEWHAT PRUDENT RESPONSE. AND HONESTLY BLAMING THE GOVERNMENT FOR A LOT OF PROBLEMS IN THIS CASE ACTUALLY REALLY, REALLY VALID. BUT HULK’S BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH THE EP THAT THEIR GENERAL RESPONSE TO GLOBAL WARMING HOOPLAH INADVERTENTLY INDICATING THAT GLOBAL WARMING A COMPLETELY MADE-UP PROBLEM. SURE, THE GOAL FOR THIS EPISODE AIMED AT ENCOURAGING BEING MEASURED MEDIATION, BUT ALL THE TOPICS SKEWEREDNOT ACTUALLY CALLED FOR IT… WHATSOEVER AND HULK NOT GOING GET INTO IT HERE, BUT GLOBAL WARMING PRETTY FREAKING VALID (AT THE END FOOTNOTE #2).
-MANBEARPIG
AGAIN. TREY + MATT TREAT ANYTHING POLITICAL AS NOTHING MORE THAN RAH-RAH INCLINATION ONE WAY OR OTHER. HULK HAVE PROBLEM WITH THIS BECAUSE THEY NO SEEM TELL DIFFERENCE THE ASININE NATURE OF POLITICS AND AN ISSUE THAT JUST BECOME POLITICIZED. THERE SUBSTANTIAL DIFFERENCE. AND FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE THIS MAKE THEM NOTHING MORE THEN FLIPPANT. IN THIS EPISODE THEY LAMBAST A SCIENTIFICALLY VALID REALITY AS NOTHING MORE THAN ATTENTION WHORING ON PART OF FORMER CANDIDATE… AGAIN THEY JUST TRYING MAKE FUN OF HYSTERIA AND AL GORE’S BEHAVIOR, BUT THEY GO FURTHER THAN THAT AND SKEWER, YOU KNOW, SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE STUFF. IT REALLY DANGEROUS. ESPECIALLY SINCE THE CHURCH OF SOUTH PARK TEND LEGIT FOLLOW THE CREDENCE AND LIKELY AGREE. IF TREY + MATT THINK HULK JUST GOING OVERBOARD AND THEIR SHOW TOO ABSURD BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, THEY NO REALIZE THAT MANBEARPIG HUGELY COMMON REFERENCE IN THE “DENIALOSPHERE.”
-201
THIS ONE INTERESTING BECAUSE IT ENDED UP SPURRING SOME PRETTY SERIOUS FREE SPEECH DISCUSSION AS FALLOUT. COMEDY CENTRAL HEAVILY CENSORED EPISODE DUE TO ITS FLIRTATIONS WITH SHOWING A DRAWN DEPICTION OF THE PROFIT MOHAMMAD (WHICH THE QURAN FORBID) . IT SPARKED OUTRAGE FROM BOTH SIDES (AND FAIR AMOUNT OF SHRUGGING) AND SPURRED ON “EVERYBODY DRAW MOHAMMAD DAY.”
THIS SORT OF VERY TRICKY CONVERSATION AND HULK WANT BE SURE HULK EXPRESS CONCERNS ABOUT THIS ISSUE VERY CAREFULLY + CLEARLY.
1) YES. HULK TOO FIND IT THE IDEA THAT ONE CAN NO SIMPLY DRAW IMAGE OF THE PROPHET MOHAMMAD TO BE THE ABSOLUTE WRONG KIND OF THINKING. IT WHOLLY BACKWARD AND DOGMATIC. BUT:
2) COMEDY CENTRAL A BUSINESS WHO AIR THEIR SHOW SO IT 100% WITHIN THEIR RIGHT TO CENSOR OR NOT AIR ANYTHING THEY FEEL REFLECT POORLY ON THEM OR EVEN PUT THEM IN DANGER. ANYONE DERIDING THEIR BEHAVIOR AS COWARDLY OR HYPOCRITICAL EQUALLY FREE IN THEIR RIGHT TO SAY SO, BUT THEY STILL PRETTY UNREALISTIC IN THEIR EXPECTATIONS OF A BUSINESS ENTITY. EVEN ONE AS GENERALLY CHILL AND EMPOWERING AS COMEDY CENTRAL.
3) WHICH MAKE THE FALLOUT AND “EVERYBODY DRAW MOHAMMAD DAY” BASICALLY AN EXERCISE IN PURSUIT OF LIBERTARIAN FREEDOM: FREE SPEECH FOR THE SAKE OF FREE SPEECH… IN ALL HONESTY HULK NOT GET THIS AS MOTIVATION. IT HAPHAZARDLY RENDER THE ACTIONS INHERENTLY MEANINGLESS. THE WORDS HAVE MEAN SOMETHING.
4) TO PROVE SUBJECTIVE NATURE OF THIS AND HOW WORDS FAR, FAR MORE IMPORTANT, HULK GOING ENGAGE IN THOUGHT EXPERIEMENT. THERE PART OF AMERICAN NEO-JUDEO-CHRISTIAN MIND THAT VERY MUCH SEE THIS EPISODE AND “EVERYBODY DRAW MOHAMMAD DAY” AS EXCERSIZING FREE SPEECH (AND PARTLY IN THE NAME OF COMEDY AND AS CRITICISM OF DOGMA). BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN CHANGE LENS? WHAT HAPPEN IF, SAY, HULK STOOD UP AND IN NAME OF PRACTICING FREE SPEECH STARTED SHOUTING “KILL THE FUCKING NIGGER CUNTS!” … NOW. OBVIOUSLY THESE WORDS DISGUSTING. THERE PART OF HULK THAT CAN NO EVEN BELIEVE HULK JUST WROTE THEM, BUT HULK WENT TO THAT EXTREME TO PROVE POINT. YOU THINK TWICE ABOUT THIS. BUT IF IT THE SAME EXERCIZE IN “FREE SPEECH” WHY NO SAY IT? CAUSE IT NOT SOMETHING YOU BELIEVE? SINCE THOSE WORDS HAVE DIRECT WEIGHT IN THE NEO-AMERICAN CONSCIOUSNESS IT BECOME LESS ABOUT THE EXERCISE IN FREE SPEECH AND MORE ABOUT THE MEANING INFERRED AND WHAT BEING SAID? SO COMPLETELY LOST IN “EVERYBODY DRAW MOHAMMED DAY” THAT THERE HUGE SCORES OF GENERAL PEOPLE WHO OFFENDED BY IT AND NOT JUST THE TERRORISTS WHO ACTUALLY THREATENED OVER THE WHOLE SITUATION. PEOPLE WHO NOT GOING THREATEN AND GO NUTS (WHICH THE REAL THING TREY + MATT CRITICIZING) BUT MANY WHO JUST FOUND IT CALLOUS AND UNCALLED FOR. IT JUST MEANT AS EXERCISE IN FREE SPEECH, BUT THE WORDS ALWAYS MATTER.
5) WHICH MEAN IT WORSE CAUSE THE NATURE OF “EVERYBODY DRAW MOHAMMAD” DAY SUBTLY DECEIVING. IT ALL TIE INTO HULK’S POINT OF SOUTH PARK BEING A SUPPOSED OUTLET FOR MEDIATION BUT REALLY BEING A PLACE THAT CATER TO INADVERTENTLY ASSUMING EXTREME POSITIONS. HULK ARGUE THIS THE MOST POSSIBLE DEGREE OF “DISAFFECTED” ONE CAN BE. EXTREME AND OFFENSIVE WHEN YOU DON’T EVEN CARE OR KNOW WHY YOU CARE. IT PART OF THE DANGER OF THE PROVERBIAL CHURCH OF SOUTH PARK. AND IT STRONGLY TIE INTO THE PROBLEMS THE SHOW FOUND IN ITSELF WITH “EVERYTHING IS SHIT.” SEE IT ALL CONNECTED! HULK NOT TOTALLY RAMBLING!
6) AND LASTLY ONT THIS DRAW MOHAMMAD FREE SPEECH THING. HULK TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THE POINT AND INCLINATION. BUT IF HULK WAS DOING IT, HULK WOULD ONLY DO IT TO MAKE A LARGE POINT ABOUT HOW HULK FELT ABOUT THE TRADITIONS OF MUSLIM CULTURE. AND THAT NOT HOW HULK FEEL ABOUT MUSLIM CULTURE WHATSOEVER. SO THERE NO REASON EFFECTIVELY EVEN IF EXERCISING A “FREEDOM”… AND BESIDES, HULK GONNA PUT THIS ONE SIMPLY: WHEN IT COME TO POSSIBLY INCITING THE WRATH OF SMALL GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO CRAZY-ANGRY THEN EMBRACE SOME COMMON SENSE OF DIFFERENT KIND: DO NOT TAUNT THE DYNAMITE MONKEY.
AND FOR RECORD, FOR EVERY ONE OF THESE EPISODES THAT MISSTEPS THERE SOME EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK THAT SO WONDERFULLY ON POINT THAT THEY INSPIRE GENUINE DELIGHT. (5)
WHICH BRING BACK TO THE OTHER NIGHT AND “YOURE GETTING OLD.”
THE SHOW TRULY STRUCK HULK AS SOMETHING MORE THAN IT EVER BEEN. SOMETHING SO FAR AWAY FROM ALL THE PROBLEMS HULK TALK ABOUT HERE. IT FELT LIKE A DIRECT MESSAGE TO THEMSELVES AND PERHAPS THE CHURCH OF SOUTH PARK…
EVEN SOUTH PARK HAS TO GROW THE FUCK UP.
ENDNOTES:
(1) HULK SHOULD DIVULGE THAT EVEN THOUGH HULK BEEN WATCHING SHOW SINCE INCEPTION, HULK PROBABLY CATCH ABOUT 80% OF GIVEN SEASON. FOR REASONS STATED IN BIT, IT JUST NOT APPOINTMENT TELEVISION. SO HULK JUST SORT OF CATCH UP WHEN COME AROUND NEXT DAY OR WHENEVER.
(2) PUNK ROCK MEANING ORIGINAL PUNK ROCK MANTRA, NOT THE CORPORATIZED VERSION. WHEN IT THE ANTI-ANTI. PURE INVERSIONISM.
(3) THIS SHOWCASED THROUGH THE SHOW’S FUNNIEST CHARACTER RANDY, THE FLIPPANT STOCKHOLM SYNDROME INCLINED DOOFUS, WHO WHILE BEING PERFECT FOR THE “TOPIC OF THE WEEK” SKEWERING IS, ESSENTIALLY, CHEATING… AT LEAST UNTIL LAST WEEK’S EP.
(3A) LIKE SOUTH PARK, HULK KEENLY AWARE THAT ALL POLITICAL CANDIDATES HAVE SOME FORM OF HORRIBLENESS. THERE NO OTHER REASON GET INTO POLITICS OTHER THAN DO THAT. IT JUST THAT BUSH, AS NICE AND DOWN HOME GUY AS HE WAS AND EVEN IF AGREED WITH IS POLITICS, WAS A STUNNING FAILURE OF A PRESIDENT ON EVERY OBJECTIVE LEVEL. SO SOMETIMES THERE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOUCHE AND TURD.
(4) MANY ARGUE SHOW JUST LIVING INCARNATION OF DEVILS ADVOCATE. BUT DEVILS ADVOCATE AT ITS BEST IT CAN ONLY BE A TOOL TO CREATE REFLECTION. IT NOT A LIFESTYLE.
(5) TO PROVE HULK NOT JUST RAGGING ON SHOW, HULK GOING SHARE FAVORITE EPISODES THAT HULK THINK WORK BEAUTIFULLY:: 1. GOOD TIMES WITH WEAPONS 2. CHRISTIAN ROCK HARD 3. MAKE LOVE, NOT WARCRAFT 4. THE IMAGINATIONLAND TRILOGY (AGAIN, HULK LOVE WHEN THEY EMBRACE THE BATSHIT NONSEQUITERS) 5. CARTMAN SUCKS 6. AWESOM-O (IF ONLY FOR THE ADAM SANDLER PITCHES) 7. THE PURITY RING (SELL SEX TO LITTLE GIRLS) 8. 4TH GRADE (WHICH THE ONLY OTHER EPISODE IN SERIES TO ATTEMPT TO COVER RESONANCE OF CHANGE) AND WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHERS.
SUPER 8: GOOD ENOUGH THAT HULK WISH IT WAS BETTER
LET GET ONE THING STRAIGHT: SUPER 8 HAVE QUALITIES THAT TRULY SPECIAL ABOUT IT. FOR ONE, J.J. ABRAMS CONTINUE STREAK OF DIRECTION THE COMPLETELY ASSURED AND IN CONTROL. ALMOST EVERY SINGLE DETAIL PUT TOGETHER WITH IMPECCABLE CARE. ASIDE FROM JJ’S BATSHIT LENS FLARE OBSESSION, EVERY ANGLE, BEAT, AND FRAME CONVEY EQUAL PARTS HUMOR, GRACE, TERROR, OR WHATEVER HE WANT YOU FEEL AT GIVEN MOMENT. THE MAN A GREAT TECHNICAL FILMMAKER AND THERE SO MANY LITTLE THINGS HULK LOVE: THE GRAIN AND TEXTURE OF THE FILM, THE WAY KIDS PRETTY MUCH GOING APESHIT IN THE BACKGROUND ALL THE TIME WITHOUT FEEL TOO FORCED.
BUT THE THING HULK LOVE BEST THAT COLLECTIVE PERFORMANCE OF THE YOUNG CAST SIMPLY TOP NOTCH. FOR ONE, ELLE FANNING SO UNFATHOMABLY GOOD IN IT. THIS TWO IN A ROW NOW FOR HER AND HULK VERY EXCITED FOR HER FUTURE CAUSE SHE SUBTLY HAVE LOT OF RANGE THAT WILL TRANSLATE NICE INTO OTHER ROLES. JOEL COURTNEY PERFECTLY SERVICEABLE AS THE WIDE-EYED-SWEET-NATURED-EVERYKID THRUST INTO MIDDLE OF EVENTS. THE DIRECTOR KID = BIG BRAZEN HILARIOUSNESS. THERE MARTIN THE ADORABLE FOUR-EYED “ACTOR” THAT LOOK SO MUCH LIKE MARTIN STARR HULK CURIOUS IF IT NOT ON PURPOSE. THERE FIREWORKS KID GET THE BEST LINES AND OFTEN STEAL THE SHOW. AND THE KID WHO HAVE FUNNY FACE AND JUST LOOK-TERRIFIED-ALL-THE-TIME A NICE LITTLE ADDITION. BUT AGAIN, THE MOVIE BELONG TO FANNING. BECAUSE IF SHE NOT KIND AND LUMINOUS THEN THE MOVIE NOT WORK AT ALL.(1)
BECAUSE OF EVERYTHING HULK JUST MENTION, THE MOVIE SEEM BE DOING WELL WITH AUDIENCES. SURE THERE A FEW CONVERSATIONS ABOUT NATURE OF NOSTALGIA… WHICH HULK FEEL LIKE SORT OF THE WRONG CONVERSATION BE HAVING. HULK WORRIED ABOUT THIS OVERT-HOMAGE GOING IN BUT WITHIN TWO SECONDS HULK FULLY ACCEPT IT ON TERMS OF OWN MOVIE. IT PRETTY MUCH NON-ISSUE FOR HULK. SO THAT LEAVE THE ONLY REAL THING THAT THE FEW DETRACTORS TALKING ABOUT = THE PROBLEMS WITH THE SCRIPT.
THEY ABSOLUTELY RIGHT TO DO.
THE SCRIPT SECRETLY A MESS. IT “SECRET” BECAUSE THE FILM SHARP ENOUGH IN VERY AREAS WHERE THE MOVIE ABSOLUTELY NEED IT BE STRONG. THE DIALOGUE = NATURAL, ON-POINT, VERY KID-LIKE, OFTEN MOVING, AND ALWAYS FUNNY. THE KID CHARACTERS COMPLETELY FLESHED OUT AND MESH WELL TOGETHER. IT JUST THAT A GOOD DEAL OF PROBLEMS RESULT FROM A FEW MIDDLING STORY DECISIONS. EVEN MORE COME FROM CASE OF “WHAT IN WORKS BUT WHAT MISSING?”AND THE BIGGEST PROBLEM COME FROM A CORE IDENTITY CRISIS. BUT THE FILM JUST PLOD THROUGH THESE THINGS FULL-STEAM AHEAD. SURE, IT HAVE ENOUGH MOMENTUM CARRY YOU THROUGH… BUT… THESE STORY PROBLEMS JUST LEAVE VIEWER WITH TINY BIT SENSE OF BEING UNDERWHELMED. A FEELING THAT SOMETHING NOT QUITE RIGHT. FEW WILL TOTALLY REALIZE THEY JUST SAW MOVIE THAT DREADFULLY NOT KNOW WHAT IT EVEN TRYING TO DO.
THIS BOTHER HULK.
IT BOTHER HULK BECAUSE IT THE KIND OF THING HULK SEE ALL TOO OFTEN. FILMS WITH GREAT, COMPETENT ENERGY YET RIDDLED WITH POOR STORY FOUNDATIONS. NOW, UNLIKE MOST OTHER BLOCKBUSTERS (LET JUST CALL IT THE MICHAEL BAY SCHOOL OF NONSENSE), ABRAMS CRAFT HIS FILMS WITH GENUINE SINCERITY AND GUILE. SO THERE WAY IN WHICH THEY NOT THE SAME TEAM, BUT IN SOME WAYS THEY PLAYING THE SAME SPORT. IT JUST ABRAMS DISTRACTING AUDIENCE WITH WAY, WAY, WAY BETTER FILMMAKING AND OFTEN TIMES MAKING UP FOR IT. IF WANT CONTINUE DUMB SPORTS ANALOGIES ABRAM’S MOVIES BEEN LIKE TEAMS WITH EXCEPTIONAL LINEUP. THEY CAN MASH AND WIN GAMES 12-11 BUT IT NOT HIDING FACT THAT MOST OF TIME THEIR PITCHERS THROWING GARBAGE. IN THIS CASE THE GARBAGE THE BASIC SENSE OF STORYTELLING.
HULK ATTRIBUTE THIS REALITY TO FACT NO ONE HAVE IDEA HOW LOOK AT SCRIPT ANYMORE AND SEE SAME PROBLEMS THAT WILL LATER REGISTER ON SCREEN. MOST SCRIPTS GO THROUGH PRODUCER AND STUDIO NOTES, BUT THE PROCESS OF THESE ROUNDS INCLUSIVE OF SO MUCH NON-STORYTELLING BULLSHIT THAT IT JAW-DROPPING (TRUST HULK). AND QUITE FRANKLY WHAT OFTEN HAPPEN THAT THEY COME UP WITH REALLY GOOD MICRO-SOLUTIONS WHILE NEVER ADDRESSING THE BIG ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM (OFTEN CAUSE THE ELEPHANT SOMEHOW INTRINSIC TO WHY IT GETTING MADE IN FIRST PLACE). EVEN REAL TRUE FILM GEEKS NO SEEM KNOW DICK ABOUT STORYTELLING. SURE, THEY KNOW “SCREENWRITING” AND CAN TELL HULK WHEN SOMETHING OFF IN TERMS OF SCENE CONSTRUCTION, TONE, OR REFERENCE. AND YEAH THEY CAN TELL YOU ALL ABOUT PLOT HOLES A-Z. BUT WHEN COME DOWN TO BASIC STORYTELLING: CHARACTER MOTIVES, STORY ECONOMY, INCLUSION/EXCLUSION, REVEALS, TIMING… THEY NEVER SEEM BE ABLE TRULY ARTICULATE IN SAME WAY THEY CAN THE MORE “CINEMATIC” CONCERNS.
HULK CAN SENSE READER ROLLING EYES AT THIS POINT. HULK OFFICIALLY GOING OVERBOARD WITH THIS STORYTELLING 101 ANGLE LATELY? HULK JUST COMPLAINING TOO MUCH ABOUT PARTICULAR VALUE HULK HAVE FOR MOVIES? OKAY WISE GUY [HULK CRACKIN THE OLE’ SMASHIN KNUCKLES]
WHAT FOLLOW NOT CONTINUATION OF REVIEW BUT INSTEAD ALL OF HULK’S NOTES/SUGGESTIONS FOR THE MOVIE AND HOW IT SHOULD FIXED MASSIVE PROBLEMS.
AND FAIR WARNING IT DEEPLY, DEEPLY SPOILERY:
-WHY THE HELL THERE AN ALIEN IN THIS MOVIE?
FOR AN ALIEN MOVIE, IT A STRANGELY LEGIMATE QUESTION. AFTER ALL, FOR LARGE SEQUENCES IN SUPER 8, BASICALLY ALL THE ONES WHERE THEY NOT RUNNING AROUND SCARED FROM LOUD NOISES, THEY DOING THINGS THAT HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING DO WITH THE ALIEN. YOU MAY ARGUE TO HULK THIS THE POINT: THAT THIS REALLY JUST THE STORY OF TWO YOUNG KIDS FALLING IN LOVE AMIDST A GROUP OF MISFIT FRIENDS. HULK THINK YES, THAT THE CORE OF STORY, SO WHY IT REALLY THERE? ESPECIALLY WHEN CONSIDER THAT THE ALIEN REALLY HAVE NO AFFECT ON THEIR STORY. HOW IT CHANGE WHAT HULK DESCRIBED OTHER THAN LEND “PRODUCTION VALUE” TO THEIR SHORT. HECK, EVEN THE LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS SEEM HAVE LITTLE AFFECT THEM. IT CERTAINLY BARELY EVEN AFFECT THE DECISIONS THEY MAKE. THEY JUST CONTINUE FILMMING THE NEXT DAY AFTER TRAIN CRASH AS IF NOTHING HAPPEN. MAYBE THIS SOME SORT OF COMMENTARY ON KID NATURE, BUT REALLY IT JUST HIGHLIGHT WHY IT NOT NEEDED. AND LIKE EVERONE IN AUDIENCE, HULK THOUGHT THAT AS KIDS COME CLOSER TO THE ALIEN THAT IT ALL WOULD INTWINE TOGETHER AND IN DOING SO THE POINT OF MOVIE THEN WOULD RESONATE POWERFULLY. INSTEAD WE MEET ALIEN AND HULK TREATED TO JOE’S SHORT DIALOGUE ABOUT HOW BAD THINGS HAPPEN. THE ALIEN DROP THE KID. THEY JOIN TOGETHER. THE ALIEN TAKE OFF IN SHIP. END MOVIE. AS IN LAST FRAME OF STORY.
UM. WHAT? WHAT THIS FILM SUPPOSED BE ABOUT? SURE, AT LAST SECOND THE LOCKET LEAVE JOE’S POCKET TO GO TOO. AS JOE HANG ON THIS MAKE THE ALIEN CLEAR METAPHOR FOR… WHAT? HOPEFULLY NOT JOE’S MOTHER. JOE’S GRIEF MORE LIKELY? THEIR COLLECTIVE GRIEF? ALL THE BAD THINGS THEY DONE TO EACH OTHER? THAT SOUND PRETTY NICE BUT THAT ALSO MAKE NO SENSE AND EACH SUGGESTION DEEPLY INCONSISTENT WITH SOME ASPECT OF THE ALIEN’S “STORY.” AND WHAT MORE THAT JOE PRETTY WELL-ADJUSTED TO HIS MOM DYING ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. SO THAT LOCKET GESTURE NOT FEEL RIGHT OR PERTINENT TO ARC (HULK EXPLAIN THIS BETTER LATER). SO, AGAIN, WHY THE LAST FRAME OF MOVIE FOCUSED ON THEM WATCHING THE ALIEN SHIP LEAVING? TO BE MORE LIKE E.T.? CAUSE THEY LETTING GO THEIR PROBLEMS AND BAD THINGS? GIVE HULK BREAK. THE MOMENT NOT RESONATE OTHER THAN REMINDING US OF OTHER THINGS IT LIKE.
SO HULK ASK, WHY AGAIN THERE ALIEN? THINK OF THIS WAY: IF THE ALIEN HAD NO BEEN THERE, WHAT WOULD HAVE STOPPED JOE AND ALICE FROM FALLING IN LOVE? (WHICH HULK ARGUE THE MAIN PLOT OF MOVIE.)
THE ANSWER = NOTHING WOULD HAVE. IT BARELY EVEN ELEVATE THEM.
–WHY DID THE ALIEN GET AN E.T. ENDING IF THE MOVIE SPEND 3/4 THE RUNNING TIME TREATING IT LIKE JAWS?
THIS ALSO CRUCIAL. IT SEEM LIKE JJ WANT TELL HUMANIZING ALIEN STORY, BUT OBVIOUSLY THAT JUST END UP BEING REMAKE OF E.T. SO INSTEAD JJ CHEAT AND JUST GO HALVSIES. THE MOVIE TREAT THE MONSTER LIKE THIS HORRIBLE THING ATTACKING AND KILLING PEOPLE. THEN IN ONE STUPID BLACK AND WHITE “DHARMA REEL” IT SUDDENLY LIKE “LET ME EXPLAIN EVERYTHING MOMENT” THE MONSTERS HISTORY REVEALED. AND WE TOLD “WE MADE IT LIKE THIS. IT JUST WANT GO HOME.” BUT WE STILL SEE IT ATTACKING FOLKS AND WHEN IT ALL COME TOGETHER IN CLIMAX THE AUDIENCE GET FROM MONSTER… NOTHING REALLY. IT JUST BRIEF EMOTIONAL BEAT ON JOE’S PART, BUT THERE NOTHING FROM THE MONSTER. IT JUST SORT OF SHOW MOMENT OF MERCY (AND LITERALLY OPEN ITS EYES. UGH) BUT THERE NO TRUE HUMANIZING. WHICH ODD CAUSE WE TOLD TOUCHING THE MONSTER AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE WHERE THE PERSON TOUCHED EXPERIENCE WHAT THE MONSTER HAS AND SEES WHAT IT WANTS AND ITS HISTORY. BUT THE AUDIENCE NO EXPERIENCE THIS WHATSOEVER. JOE ACTUALLY THE EXACT SAME BEFORE HE TOUCHED AS HE IS AFTER. AND AS RESULT HULK GIVE NO SHIT ABOUT IT THE MONSTER. NO EMPATHY. NOTHING. THE MONSTER IN THIS MOVIE ALL SOUND AND FURY. AND THEN, NOTHING.(2)
–SO MAKE ALIEN EXPRESSIVE GOD DAMMIT
THE DESIGN OF BOTH THIS MONSTER AND THE ONE FROM CLOVERFIELD BOTH AMAZINGLY DISAPPOINTING. THEY BOTH MULTI-LIMBED SACKS OF AMPORPHOUS GRAY BULLSHIT (AND CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUND THAT THEY SAME RACE OF MONSTER. HULK SURE THIS DELIGHT JJ BUT THIS NOT PLEASE HULK CAUSE THEIR CINEMATIC PHYSIOLOGY SUCK EQUALLY AS MUCH).
BUT HERE THE REVEAL OF THE MONSTER SHOULD RESONATE (HULK KEEP USING WORD MONSTER AND ALIEN INTERCHANGEABLY. THIS ACTUALLY ON PURPOSE). THE MONSTER SHOULD BE EXPRESSIVE AND TRUE. WE NEVER FUCKING SEE THIS INHERENT GOODNESS IT SUPPOSED TO HAVE. INSTEAD. WE JUST TOLD. HULK WAGER THE “EYE” REVEAL SUPPOSED TO DO THIS, BUT IT NOT ENOUGH ESTABLISH EMPATHY. IT JUST COME OFF AS BAD SYMBOLIC GESTURE. THE WHOLE SCENE WITH JOE COME OFF LIKE THE BRIEF TAMING OF WILD BEAST, WHICH WOULD BE NEAT AND ALL IF NOT EXPRESSLY STATED THAT THE MONSTER “WAY ADVANCED” AND AGAIN BENEVOLENT AND ALL THAT SHIT. E.T. WORK CAUSE HE EXPRESSIVE. KING KONG WORK CAUSE HE EXPRESSIVE. TOOTHLESS WORK CAUSE HE EXPRESSIVE. LIST GO ON AND ON OF ALL THESE NO-HUMAN CHARACTERS WHO WORK, EVEN IN BRIEF SCENES, CAUSE THEIR AFFECTATION HUMANE AND THEY HAVE A CONNECTION OTHER THAT THE AUDIENCE BEING TOLD THEY GOOD ON INSIDE AND THEY STARED DEAD-EYED AT US FOR ONE SECOND. EVEN IF YOUR MONSTER HAVE LAST ACT CHARACTER TURN WHERE YOU SUDDENLY WANT HELP IT… IT NEED BE FUCKING EXPRESSIVE. IT’S VERY OWN PAIR OF EYEBALLS NOT ENOUGH.
–IF ANYONE TOUCHED BY THE ALIEN SUDDENLY WANT TO HELP IT, WHY IT NOT HAVE THEM, YOU KNOW, HELP?
HULK THOUGHT THIS OBVIOUSLY WHERE IT GOING. ALL THE PEOPLE CAPTURED WOULD BE HELPING IT REBUILDING SHIP. INSTEAD THEY ALL HUNG UPSIDE DOWN (WHERE THE BLOOD RUSHING TO HEAD THING WOULD SEVERELY INJURE/KILL THEM?) AND THEY KEPT THERE AS WHAT? AND WHY? IT MEANT AS SOME KIND OF HARM? IT MAKE NO RATIONAL SENSE, EVEN LESS NARRATIVE SENSE AND ABSOLUTELY NO THEMATIC SENSE. IT SEEM LIKE JUST ENGINEERED DEVICE TO HAVE JOE GO RESCUE ALICE (THIS WHERE THE CHARMING NATURE OF PERFORMANCE/DIALOGUE WORK ITS WONDERS. WE BLINDED BY JOE’S GREAT “I’M DOING MY BEST TO SAVE YOU” LINE. IT SO GOOD THAT IT JUST SADLY DISTRACT FROM THE LACK OF SENSE EVERYTHING MAKING). THEN, IF JOE AND THE MAIN CHARACTERS ALL SUDDENLY HELPING THE MONSTER AGAINST THE MILITARY, THE MONSTER STILL COULD HAVE BEEN THE AMORPHOUS BIO-SACK THAT JJ WANTED IT BE, AND YET IT WOULD HAVE STILL HELPED HUMANIZE IT FOR EMOTIONAL RESONANCE IN THE FINAL SCENE CAUSE WE “WITH IT” INSTEAD OF “WATCHING IT.”
–MAKE ALICE’S DAD EVEN MORE RESPONSIBLE FOR JOE’S MOM DYING
THIS SLIGHTLY MORE LITTLE THING BUT IT REALLY ANNOYING. IN OPENING WHEN ALICE’S DAD KICKED OUT OF THE WAKE EVERYONE ASSUME IT CAUSE HE DIRECTLY CAUSE THE ACCIDENT THE KILLED JOE’S MOM. INSTEAD WHAT HAPPENED HE JUST GET DRUNK AND MISS SHIFT. MOM TOOK OVER AND HAVE THE ACCIDENT. THIS NOT WORK AS SOME BIG REVEAL TO AUDIENCE THOUGH. IT ACTUALLY JUST ILLICIT A “OH THAT’S ALL MOMENT?” FROM AUDIENCE CAUSE THEY EXPECTING WAY WORSE FROM WHAT PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED (ESPECIALLY AFTER THE DAD FORBADE HIM FROM SEEING ALICE. THAT SORT OF A BIG LEAP CAUSE DAD MISSED A SHIFT). THE REAL UNFORTUNATE PART THAT THIS “OH THAT ALL?” MOMENT COME IN THE MIDDLE OF ELLE FANNING’S AMAZING AND EMOTIONAL MONOLOGUE. IT ANOTHER POORLY CONSTRUCTED STORY DETAIL THAT GOT IN WAY OF EVEN BETTER MOMENT. HULK SUPPOSE THEY MADE THIS “SHIFT MISS” CHOICE SO HER DAD NOT SEEM SOOOOOO HORRIBLE… BUT YOU KNOW WHAT MORE HUMANIZING? DEEP, TRUE, INESCAPABLE GUILT. THAT SOMETHING HUMAN. YOU KNOW WHAT SORT OF OFF-PUTTING? A CHARACTER BEING EXISTENTIALLY MOROSE OVER SOMETHING THAT NOT COMPLETELY CALL FOR IT.
–GETTING BACK TO LOCKET THING: WHY THIS MOVIE MAIN THEME ABOUT JOE LETTING GO OF HIS MOM?
THIS TRULY WHAT HULK UNDERSTAND LEAST. BY ALL ACCOUNTS, WE NEVER SEE JOE DEVASTATED BY DEATH OF HIS MOM. HE SAD FOR SURE. HE YOUNG. HE STILL HOLDING ON TO HER (LITERALLY, YOU KNOW, WITH THE LOCKET, GET IT?!?!!?) BUT BY ALL ACCOUNTS HE FUNCTIONAL YOUNG MAN, WHO WELL-ADJUSTED, WHO READY FOR YOUNG LOVE WITH GIRL WHO HE CLEARLY NOT BLAME FOR MOTHERS DEATH (NOR HER DAD)… SO WHAT EXACTLY HE HOLDING ON TO AGAIN? YES, THE DAD CLEARLY HOLDING ON. HE SEEN CRYING FIRST. HE NEVER CLOSE WITH HIS SON. HE NOT KNOW RAISE HIM. THIS ALL CLEARLY ESTABLISHED. BUT THEN HE SPEND ENTIRE MOVIE AWAY FROM HIM. BUT AS FOR JOE? JOE PRETTY MUCH FINE. HIS ARC A LOVE STORY (AND WELL-DONE ONE AT THAT) SO WHY THIS VERY NICE MOMENT WHERE HE LET GO OF THE LOCKET SUPPOSED TO BE THE DEFINING MOMENT OF MOVIE? YES, AGAIN, HE LITERALLY CARRYING IT ALL MOVIE BUT THIS THE ONLY FUCKING WAY HIS MOMS DEATH HAVE AFFECT ON HIM. IT WINDOW DRESSING AND SET-UP FOR THE DAD. SO WHY JOE LETTING GO? IT JUST ONE THOSE THINGS THAT FEEL LIKE NEAT CONVENTION… UNLESS THIS ALL ABOUT HIM GETTING OVER HIS OEDIPUS COMPLEX AND MOVE ON WITH REAL GIRL… BUT THAT MOVIE BE A LOT WEIRDER.
–THE MOVIE SHOULD BE ABOUT JOE’S RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS DAD
AND YET IT ABSOLUTELY STAYS AWAY FROM IT. THE ENTIRE DEATH OF MOTHER PLOTLINE CLEARLY MEAN SETTING THIER RELATIONSHIP UP. IT ALL PRECURSOR. SO WHAT HAPPEN? INSTEAD OF HAVING ANY KIND OF ARC WITH SON, THE EXCEPTIONAL KYLE CHANDLER SPEND NEARLY HIS ENTIRE SCREEN TIME RUNNING AROUND DEALING WITH TOWN FOLK PROBLEMS AND THEN BEING SEQUESTERED ON AIR FORCE BASE. YOU MAY SAY TO HULK THAT THE POINT! THEY HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP. RIGHT? YES, BUT THAT JUST ACT 1 SCENE 1. THE MOVIE CLEARLY SUPPOSED TO MOVE ON FROM THERE AND ACTUALLY HAVE ARC. INSTEAD THEY EACH GO HAVE THEIR OWN ADVENTURE (CHANDLER’S SHERIFF ADVENTURES PARTICULARLY SUPERFLUOUS) AND THE ADJUSTMENTS THEY EVEN TRY MAKE COME AT VERY END OF MOVIE WHERE DAD JUST GLAD HE FOUND JOE. THAT IT. HULK GET NO SENSE OF HOW THEY GOING LIVE TOGETHER AND MAKE PEACE. WHICH ALL AUDIENCE WANTED. NO BIG THING. JUST ONE SENSE OF HOW THEIR ARC COULD DO THIS. WHAT A WASTE.
–AND HERE THE ABSOLUTE FINAL BEST SOLUTION FOR SUPER 8: GET RID OF THE ALIEN. MAKE THE MOVIE A KID’S LOVE STORY SET AGAINST GROUP OF FILMMAKING MISFITS IN THE 70’S, AND HIS COMING TO LOVE HIS FATHER.
AND THAT THE REAL RUB, RIGHT? THINGS LIKE LOVE STORY, GREAT ACTING, OBSERVATIONAL NATURALISM, AND EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT OFTEN CONSIDERED JUST THE WINDOW DRESSING FOR SUMMER MOVIES. THE KIND OF STUFF THAT, IF DONE WELL CAN ELEVATE A BLOCKBUSTER TO RARIFIED STATUS OF “CLASSIC.” INSTEAD SUPER 8 DELIVER THE STRANGEST THING HULK EVER SEEN… A MOVIE WHERE THE BASIC ACTION SCENES THE THING THAT ACTUALLY FEEL OUT OF PLACE. ULTIMATELY, IT IRRECONCIABLE. BUT HOW THIS HAPPEN? HOW SOMETHING COME OUT THIS HALF-BAKED? HULK ACTUALLY HAVE GOOD IDEA…
HULK WILLING TO BET JJ SAT DOWN RIGHT SCARY ALIEN KIDS MOVIE AND ULTIMATELY JUST FELL IN LOVE THE KIND OF STORY HE TELLING ABOUT YOUNG BOY, YOUNG GIRL, AND THE FILM THEY MAKING. THE ALIEN THAT STARTED THE IDEA JUST BECAME SECONDARY AND BECAUSE SO INTERESTED IN THE “SUPER 8” REAL STORY (DO WE GET IT NOW), THE ACTUAL SCI-FI HOOK OF THE MOVIE FELL BY WAYSIDE. IN FACT, HULK WOULD PUT MONEY ON IT.
HULK ASK YOU THIS: WHY ELSE RUN THE CREDITS WITH THE KID’S ZOMBIE FILM IN THERE? HULK THINK THIS THE TRUE END OF THE MOVIE AND AN ABSOLUTE DELIGHT. BUT ESPECIALLY AFTER THE CUT-SHORT ENDING WHERE EVERYONE WATCH THE ALIEN LEAVE, HULK GO ONE BETTER: IT NOT JUST AFTERTHOUGHT, IT THE REAL CLIMAX OF THE ONLY STORY ABRAMS INTERESTED IN. IT CERTAINLY THE ONLY STORY THE AUDIENCE INTERESTED IN. THE SECOND IT CAME UP AFTER FIRST FEW CREDITS THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE CHEERED IN EXASPERATION JUST DELIGHTED THEY GOT NOT THIS “EXTRA-BIT” BUT THE THING THEY WANTED FROM STORY MOST OF ALL.
IT WAS WHAT THEY WAITING FOR.
SO TELL HULK, WHAT MOVIE WAS JJ REALLY MAKING?
IN CONCLUSION(3) HULK WANT TURN ATTENTION TO ATTACK THE BLOCK TO MAKE FINAL POINT TO READER. AND THAT FINAL POINT THAT YOU SHOULD GO SEE ATTACK THE BLOCK (IF NO HAVE SEEN) INSTEAD OF SUPER 8 THIS WEEKEND. DON’T WORRY, THE FILMS VERY, VERY SIMILAR. THEY BOTH ABOUT 5 YOUNG FRIENDS WHO DISCOVER AN OUTWARD SUPERNATURAL THREAT. EACH FILM MIXES THEIR KID-CENTRIC “I’M INVINCIBLE!” APPROACH WITH MOMENTS OF “HOLY-SHIT!” TERROR. EACH FILM IS FUNNY, WARM, AND WELL OBSERVED. BOTH FILMS HEAVILY INDEBTED TO AMBLIN.
BUT SUPER 8 A MOVIE MEANT AS DIRECT HOMAGE (AND WITH THE BEARD HIMSELF WORKING ON IT, DO THAT MAKE IT A MASTERBATOMAGE?(4)) WHEREAS ATTACK THE BLOCK A SINGULAR FILM THAT INSTEAD INVOKE THE SPIRIT AND INNOVATION OF AMBLIN. INSTEAD OF SPIELBERG, THEY VEER MORE TOWARDS THE LESS-TREAD-ON JOE DANTE AND GREMLINS. BUT MORE THAN JUST THIS INDEPENDENCE, ATTACK THE BLOCK A FILM THAT SIMPLY WORK MUCH, MUCH, MUCH BETTER ON ALL LEVELS. HULK ALREADY GONE INTO DEEPLY THE AMAZING THEMATICS THAT RESONATED WITH HULK, BUT MORE SPECIFICALLY IT A FILM THAT SEEMLESSLY INTEGRATE THE ALIEN PLOTLINE SEEMLESSLY INTO THE RICH TEXTURED THEMATICS. THE TWO CAN NO BE INDEPENDENT OF THE OTHER. THEY BOTH THE DIRECT CAUSE OF ONE ANOTHER. IT CALLED STORYTELLING. EVEN MORE SPECIFICALLY ATTACK THE BLOCK KNEW HOW 3RD ACT “HUMANIZE” THEIR ALIENS WITHOUT THEM LOSING THEIR EDGE OR FEROCITY. SOMETHING THAT JJ TRIED DO WITHOUT KNOWING HOW.
SO WHY SUPER 8 GONNA MAKE LOTS OF MONEY AND ATTACK THE BLOCK NOT? PROBABLY THE NAMES AND THE SUPPORT BEHIND EACH. BUT TAT OBVIOUS. STILL, THERE ACTUALLY A BIGGER TRUTH UNDER THAT… THE FOLLOWING HULK BELIEVE BE ABSOLUTE FACT: EVEN IF BOTH FILMS GOT THE SAME AMOUNT MARKETING AND COVERAGE, MORE PEOPLE GO SEE SUPER 8 CAUSE OF ATTACK THE BLOCK STAR BLACK KIDS TALKING IN ENGLISH ACCENTS AND THAT “LESS APPEALING” FOR SOME HULKFORSAKEN REASON.
… THOSE PEOPLE WOULD BE MISSING THE FILM THAT ABSOLUTELY SUPERIOR.
ENDNOTES:
(1) THIS COMMENT SORT OF PUT HULK IN SINGULAR-MOVIE-OPINION-EXISTENTIAL-CRISIS… THAT CAUSE LET BREAK 4TH WALL AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT ELLE FANNING A 13 YEAR OLD GIRL AND SHE PLAYING THE AUDIENCE’S LOVE INTEREST. NOW HULK SAY TIME AND TIME AGAIN HULK HATE HOW EVERY MOVIE ABOUT YOUNG-KID-LOVE STAR ACTORS WHO LIKE 19 YEARS OLD. HULK FIND IT DISHONEST AND HULK ALWAYS CLAMORED FOR MORE MOVIES STARRING KIDS WHO ACT AND FALL IN LOVE LIKE KIDS DO… YOUNG KIDS DESERVE THOSE KINDS MOVIES ESPECIALLY… YET NOW THAT HULK, WELL, OLDER, SUPER 8 ILLUMINATE HULK ON WHY THERE MAY BE PROBLEMS WITH THIS. IT NOT LIKE THERE ANY EXPRESS REASON HULK SAY THIS. THERE NO SEXUALIZATION TO FANNING CHARACTER WHATSOEVER. AND THERE NO SEXUAL ATTRACTION BECAUSE SHE VERY MUCH 13 YEAR OLD GIRL. THE MOVIE NOT DOING THE MUCH MORE HORRIBLE THINGS IN WAY OF SEXUALIZATION THAT LOTS TV/ ACTUAL CULTURE DO… BUT THE PROBLEM THAT THE AUDIENCE ABSOLUTELY FALL IN LOVE WITH HER. YESM THE AUDIENCE ACTUALLY JUST GOING BACK TO JOE’S 13 YEAR OLD CHARACTER * BUT STILL THERE STRANGE “ADULT” (MEANING MATURE) FEELING ELEMENT TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND HER BEHAVIOR AND THE AUDIENCE’S PLACE IN IT. THIS IN LARGE PART A TESTAMENT TO ASSURED DIRECTION OF ABRAMS. HULK NEVER ONCE JUST FEEL LIKE THEY “WATCHING KIDS PLAY FALLING IN LOVE.” IT MORE THAN THAT…. AND IT JUST THAT ADULT HULK UNSURE WHAT DO WITH IT.
*HULK’S FEMALE READERS CHIME IN. WERE YOU IN ELLE’S SHOES? DID YOU LIKEWISE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUNG JOE LAMB?
(2) HULK REALIZE THIS MONSTER BEING ALL SOUND AND FURY MAY FIT NICELY IN THE MONSTER REPRESENTING EVERYONE’S GRIEF/FURY AGAIN BUT HULK NO GO THAT FAR. AGAIN, IT SOUND NICE BUT CONSIDERING THE NATURE OF THE CHARACTERS WRAPPED UP IT (SPECIFICALLY JOE AND THE OTHER KIDS) IT NO REALLY WORK. IT MAY WORK BETTER FOR THE PARENTS BUT THEY TOO THINLY DEVELOPED FOR THIS WORK ALONG THOSE LINES.
(3) THIS ONE OF THOSE THINGS NEVER SUPPOSED SAY. IN ALL TRUTH HULK FORGOT ABOUT IT. NOW HULK THINK THAT SORT OF DUMB REALITY SO HULK BRINGING ON COMEBACK TOUR.
(4) THAT’S HORRIBLE BUT IT’S ALL HULK GOT AT THIS LATE HOUR.
NOT A MOVIE REVIEW: HULK PLAYED L.A. NOIRE
HULK TRY KEEP THIS SHORT. AND WARNING, HERE BE SPOILERS.
IN FRONT YOUR VERY OWN EYEBALLS, YOU HAVE HULK’S FIRST VIDEO GAME REVIEW. IT NO WILL HAPPEN MUCH. JUST EVERY ONCE AND AWHILE WHEN HULK FEEL IT PERTINENT, USUALLY INVOLVING SOMETHING DO WITH RELATING MEDIA THOUGHTS OR IF GAME DEAL WITH SOME CINEMATIC ISSUE.
BACKGROUND: HULK PLAY LOT OF GAMES. HULK PLAY RPG ENVIORNMENTY STUFF (FAVORITES: BETHESDA’S OBLIVION AND FALLOUT SERIES, ROCKSTAR’S COLLECTIVE OUTPUT, AND GENERALLY THE FINAL FANTASY SERIES THOUGH THE LAST ONE = SHIT), HIGH QUALITY FIRST PERSON SHOOTERS (FAVORITES: BIOSHOCK, CALL OF DUTY 4 BUT NOT THE SEQUELS, GOLDENEYE!) AND SPORTS GAMES (FAVORITES: MADDEN, 2K SERIES IN BOTH BASKETBALL/BASEBALL, KEN GRIFFEY JR. BASEBALL, MARIO TENNIS, BASEBALL SIMULATOR 1000). THIS REASONABLY WELL-ROUNDED HULK GUESS.
BY ALL ACCOUNTS, L.A. NOIRE HAVE LOT GOING FOR IT. IT HAVE GREAT SENSE OF ENVIRONMENT. HULK ABSOLUTELY LOVED TRAVERSING ABOUT 1940’S LOS ANGELES (WHICH RECREATED WITH GREAT HISTORICAL DETAIL). THE GAMEPLAY RELATIVELY INNOVATIVE AND IT MORE INTERESTED IN OTHER PURSUITS THAN THE FREQUENT SMASH+GRAB ALTERCATIONS OF GRAND THEFT AUTO. MUCH ALREADY MADE OF THE PERFORMANCE-CAPTURE STUFF AND THAT LIVE UP TO WHAT PROMISED.
BUT HULK JUST WANT TAKE MINUTE TO THE MAKERS OF L.A. NOIRE WHY THERE GAME UTTERLY COLLAPSE IN ON ITSELF AFTER SO MUCH PROMISE:
IT RARELY ADHERE TO STORYTELLING 101
HULK KEEP HARPING ON THIS ISSUE LATELY, BUT IT BECAUSE IT JUST FEEL PERTINENT.
AND L.A. NOIRE GET ONE THING MAJORLY, MAJORLY WRONG. WHEN THE STORY SUPPOSED TO BE “EXPERIENCED” BY THE PLAYER IT DO NO FUCKING GOOD WHEN THE GAMER AT HOME ACTUALLY MILES AHEAD OF THE MAIN CHARACTER. HERE MOST EGREGIOUS EXAMPLES (AND AGAIN, MAJOR FUCKING SPOILERS WITHIN):
1) DURING THE “HOMICIDE” PORTION OF THE GAME WE SUPPOSED TO BE “SOLVING” MURDERS, IT PRETTY CLEAR FROM EVEN THE BEGINNING OF FIRST MISSION ON THAT THIS MURDER AND ONES THAT FOLLOW ACTUALLY PART OF LARGER SERIES ALREADY TYING INTO THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDERS. WHICH MEAN THAT WHEN LOCKING UP SUSPECT TO CLOSE CASE WE HAVE NO INTEREST IN ACTUALLY BECAUSE WE ALREADY SURE IT NOT THEM. SO WE ESSENTIALLY JUST PICK ONE. THERE ABSOLUTELY NO JOY IN IT. NO SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT (WHICH ABSOLUTELY SHOULD BE FEELING). IT ABSOLUTELY JUST LIKE SLOGGING THROUGH BULLCRAP. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT SO CLEAR THERE MYSTERY FIGURE OUT THERE TO BLAME. HULK GET SENSE THEY TRYING TO DO SOMETHING INTERESTING WITH GAME, BUT HOW IT INTERESTING IF IT TELEGRAPHED SO CLEARLY AND ABSOLUTELY TREATED LIKE A “REVEAL.” HULK WONDER IF MAYBE THEY THINK THIS SOME COMMENTARY ABOUT HOW ONE “NEVER KNOWS IF THEY LOCKING UP GUILTY PERSON” BUT IF THAT THE CASE THEN IT NOTHING MORE THAN HALF-BAKED BULLSHIT.
2. AND NO, THEY NOT DO THIS COCKTEASING “WRONG SUSPECT” ANGLE FOR 1 CASE, NOT EVEN 2 CASES, BUT 5 DAMN FUCKING CASES. IN CASE NOT AWARE THE GAME HAVE 20 OR SO CASES, SO THAT 1/4 OF THE GAME SPENT LOCKING UP PEOPLE YOU ALREADY KNOW NOT THE RIGHT SUSPECTS. WHAT A FUCKING WASTE. HULK BORED TO TEARS BY THE FIFTH TIME. THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT HULK GOING DURING THIS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE STINT OF THE GAME WHEN HULK SURE THAT ALL THE EXTRANEOUS CLUES HULK GATHERING BE IMPORTANT WHEN TIME FINALLY COME TO LOCK UP THE MYSTERY FIGURE BEHIND ALL FIVE MURDERS. TO SOLVE A SUPER CASE SO TO SPEAK THAT TIE INTO ALL OF THEM AND ALL THE LITANY OF EVIDENCE GATHERED THAT LEAD TO THAT CONCLUSION. IT JUST SEEM SO OBVIOUS IT GOING THERE… AND THEN IT END IN LAME DRIVING AROUND TOWN FOR MARKERS BIT FOLLOWED BY SUPER ANTI-CLIMACTIC SHOOT OUT. AND ALL THOSE RELEVANT CLUES COLLECTED MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING CAUSE THERE NOTHING TO ACTUALLY SOLVE. IT BANAL.
3. OF COURSE THEY DON’T LEARN THEIR LESSON AND EMPLOY THE SAME EXACT DEVICE OF HAVING ONE MYSTERY FIGURE BEHIND ALL OF THE CRIMES DURING THE “ARSON DESK” SERIES. SURE THERE SOME OTHER SHADOWY INVOLVEMENT BUT YOU KNOW ALL MAJOR PLAYERS INVOLVED ON THIS WHOLE DESK’S AFFAIR HALFWAY INTO THE FIRST ARSON CASE. NATURALLY, IT END IN EQUALLY DISAPPOINTING FASHION.
SERIOUSLY IT NO WONDER THAT THE TRAFFIC AND VICE DESK CASES = THE ABSOLUTE BEST ONES BECAUSE THE INDIVIDUAL CASES STAND ON THEIR OWN. YES, THE VICE CASES OFTEN DEAL WITH THE SAME SUBJECT OF THE MORPHINE, BUT AT LEAST THE PEOPLE GONE AFTER RELEVANT TO THE WEB OF THE CRIME SYNDICATE. AND GOING UP THE LADDER TO THE TOP OF THE RANKS OF THE SYNDICATE VERY SATISFYING ON NARRATIVE AND ACCOMPLISHMENT-FEELING LEVEL.
4. THE DEATH OF HAVE COLE HAVE NO IMPACT AFTER SPENDING LAST 1/4 OF ALL MISSIONS PLAYING AS KELSO. THE JOURNEY OF COLE FROM HARD-NOSED GOLDEN BOY PRICK TO MAN MORE ACCEPTING OF THE GRAY AREAS OF LIFE, THE ABUSE OF POWER, AND SENSELESS CRIME SHOULD BE… WELL… LOT MORE INTERESTING. INSTEAD AFTER THE MOMENT COLE HAVE ACTUAL TURNING POINT, THE GAME SIDELINE HIM TO PLAY KELSO. COLE ONLY COMING BACK TO DIE. THE GAME ITSELF THE END ABRUPTLY RIGHT AFTER WITH NO ROUNDING OUT OF THE STORY IN ORGANIC FASHION… UGH…THE GAME SPEND HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS TELEGRAPHING REPETIVE STORYLINES ONLY TO SUMMARIZE THE ENDING WITH QUICK ON THE NOSE EULOGY SPEECH ABOUT THE PRESUMED COVERUP… THE WHOLE SERIES OF DECISIONS MAKE LESS THAN SENSE.
5. AND SPEAKING OF COLE’S STORY, AT FIRST HULK THOUGHT THE GAME MAKE INTERESTING CHOICE OF NOT SHOWING COLE’S WIFE AT ALL. HULK SORT OF LIKED IT, BUT THEN SHE SHOW UP WHEN KICKING COLE OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR PHILANDERING ABOUT. THE SCENE HAVE NO IMPACT BECAUSE HULK NEVER SEEN OR HEARD A SINGLE WORD ABOUT THIS PERSON BEFORE. HULK IMAGINE THE DEVELOPERS THOUGHT IT THIS MOMENT TO PUT FACE ON COLE’S ACTIONS, BUT REALLY IT JUST MAKE THINGS RING HOLLOW. IF THEY COMMITTED TO THIS NARRATIVE DEVICE SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT OUT AND WE NO LEARN COLE BEEN KICKED OUT. HULK FEEL LIKE IT WAS A BAD MOVE ON PART OF DEVELOPERS. PERHAPS THEY THOUGHT THEY DOING SOMETHING INTERESTING AT THAT POINT, BUT REALLY IT JUST FAIL. THEY TRIED HAVE IT TWO DIFFERENT AND UNRECONCILE-ABLE WAYS.
6. THE CHOICES FOR THE BIG OVERARCHING STORY: THE AFOREMENTIONED TELEGRAPHED AND TOO-EARLY DROPPED CLUES, THE MILITARY FLASHBACKS, ABD THE “BEHIND THE STORY” NEWSPAPER ARTICLES = ESSENTIALLY REMOVE ALL FUCKING SENSE OF MYSTERY FROM THE GOD DAMN STORY. SERIOUSLY. EVERY BIG OVERARCHING MYSTERY THAT COLE WILL ENCOUNTER AND TRY AND SOLVE IN LAST HALF OF GAME PRETTY MUCH REVEALED IN THE FLASHBACKS THAT OCCUR BEFORE THE ACTUAL CASE. NARRATIVE-SPEAKING IT HORSECRAP.
HULK WANTED TO LOVE THIS GAME. AND THERE REALLY A MILLION OTHER THINGS TO TALK ABOUT IN TERMS HOW IT GOOD/BAD, BUT THEY SORT OF OUTSIDE THIS “STORYTELLING 101” ASPECT SO HULK WILL DROP IT.
HULK JUST HATE HOW IT MADE BY PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO UNDERSTANDING HOW A “DETECTIVE” STORY SHOULD ACTUALLY UNRAVEL. WHICH ESPECIALLY SUCK CAUSE THE SUBJECTS OF THESE STORYLINES AND THE ACTUAL IDEAS BEHIND THEM OFTEN GREAT. IT JUST A MATTER OF EXECUTION AND IN A FEW EXAMPLES OF FLAWLESS INDIVIDUAL CASES HULK SEE WHAT THE GAME COULD HAVE BEEN. BUT EVEN MOST THESE CASES RUINED BY THIS PREMATURE TEASER VIDEO REVEALS (LIKE THE GUY PUTTING THE HEAD ON THE CAR GAS PEDDLE, THE ARSONIST ACTUALLY SHOWING HOW HE FUCK HE MESS WITH HEATER VALVESS). THESE THINGS MAY SEEM RELATIVELY MINOR BUT IF HULK PRETTY SURE THAT WHEN COLE ARRIVE ON THE SCENE, THE PLAYER SHOULD BE IN THE COMPLETE FUCKING DARK ABOUT EVERYTHING INVOLVING CASE. THAT BRING THE GENUINE THRILL OF DISCOVERY.
INSTEAD WE GET A DETECTIVE STORY WITH ZERO ACTUAL NARRATIVE REVEALS.
WHAT A JOKE.
HULK ESSAY YOUR ASS: TANGIBLE DETAILS AND THE NATURE OF CRITICISM
WHAT IF HULK TELL YOU THAT THERE ONE SINGULAR THROUGH-LINE TO THE VERY NATURE OF CRITICISM?
HULK READ LOT OF MOVIE CRITICISM. AND HULK MEAN LOT. HULK POSSIBLY EVEN READ YOUR BOOK/COLUMN/SITE TODAY. AND OVER DOING THIS LAST TWENTY YEARS OR SO, HULK BEEN LOOKING FOR ONE SINGLE THROUGH-LINE HELP EXPLAIN WHY CRITICS SAY THE THING THEY DO. SPECIFICALLY, HULK INTERESTED WHAT CAUSE SOMEONE TO HAVE SEEMINGLY BIZARRE OPINION. IT NOT EASY THING DO. LOTS PEOPLE COMING FROM DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES AND HAVE ALL SORTS VALUES. AND IT ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT WHEN TRYING DECIDE IF IT YOUR OWN BIAS GETTING IN WAY. YET HULK DESPERATE KNOW WHY PEOPLE RESPOND TO MOVIES WAY THEY DO. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY HOW THEY THEN PROCESS AND EXPLAIN THOSE RESPONSES. THE ANSWER NOT JUST RELATE MOVIE CRITICISM, BUT UNIVERSAL CRITICISM. HULK BELIEVE CENTER AROUND ONE THING:
TANGIBLE DETAILS.
OK. HULK KNOW YOU THINKING “TANGIBLE DETAILS? DUH, OF COURSE! WHAT YOU IDIOT? OF COURSE THE FREAKIN’ DETAILS MATTER!”
HULK KNOW. HULK KNOW. IT SOUND BROAD AS HECK, BUT HULK ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT VERY SPECIFIC WAY THE OBVIOUS, TANGIBLE DETAILS OF MOVIE DIRECTLY AFFECT HOW THE AT-LARGE CULTURE DIGEST IT. SO ALLOW HULK MOMENT ILLUSTRATE EXACTLY WHAT HULK MEAN… OKAY MORE THAN MOMENT. OVER 4000 WORDS AND LOTS OF TANGENTS. HULK SORRY, BUT VERY SIMPLE CONCEPT OFTEN THE HARDEST KIND TO JUSTIFY.
SO…
GIVEN: OUR ABILITY PROCESS THINGS INHERENTLY LINKED TO AMOUNT OF INFORMATION WE UNDERSTAND. MOST OF US QUASI-EXPERTS IN SOME WAY AT SOMETHING. OUR FAVORITE TV SHOW. BEER-BREWING. OUR FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM. WHATEVER, CHANCES ARE IT SOMETHING.
BUT THEN THERE LARGE NUMBER THINGS OUTSIDE THAT AREA WE QUASI-EXPERTS IN. AND MANY OF THESE THINGS STUFF WE ALL HAVE TALK ABOUT IN FORM OF PUBLIC SOCIALIZING. THE PROVERBIAL CAMPFIRE. STUFF LIKE ELECTIONS, THE SUPERBOWL, POPULAR TV SHOWS, BIG NEWS EVENTS, HIT MOVIES, RESTAURANT CHAINS. THE USUAL STUFF. AND OFTEN THESE UNIVERSAL SUBJECTS THROW US INTO CONVERSATIONS THAT WE MAY OR MAY NO HAVE STRONG KNOWLEDGE ABOUT.
IN ONE WAY, IT OKAY IF NOT KNOW LOT ABOUT CERTAIN SUBJECT. THERE ACTUALLY SUBCONSCIOUS WAY IN WHICH MOST OF US ABLE PROCESS SIMPLE GOOD OR BADNESS OF JUST ABOUT ANYTHING: MOVIES WORK ON LARGELY VISCERAL LEVEL. FOOD CAN TASTE GOOD OR NO TASTE GOOD. SPORTS TEAMS HAVE WINS AND LOSSES. PRODUCTS CAN SIMPLY WORK OR NO WORK. THERE WAY WE UNDERSTAND SOME FORM RELATIVE VALUE OF ALL THESE THINGS.
BUT WHEN COME TIME ACTUALLY EXPLAIN THEM, NOT EVERYONE HAVE LANGUAGE/VERNACULAR TO BEST EXPRESS WHAT AT PLAY. SO ONLY WAY CAN EXPLAIN ANYTHING BY PRESENTING EVIDENCE. AND EVIDENCE 100% DEPENDENT ON THINGS WE NOTICE. AND THOSE THE TANGIBLE DETAILS.
… and FOR MOST PEOPLE, IT NOT ALWAYS THE RIGHT DETAILS PER SAY, BUT INSTEAD THE ONES THAT SIMPLY STICK OUT MOST.
THE FILM THAT MAKE HULK FIRST THINK IN THESE TERMS ACTUALLY SPIDER-MAN 3. MOST PEOPLE AGREE THAT SPIDER-MAN 3 PRETTY MUCH SUCK. OK? GOOD. MOVING ON. THE REAL REASON IT SUCK IT BECAUSE IT FORGET MOST BASIC ELEMENTS OF STORYTELLING 101. IT HAVE ZERO NARRATIVE STEAM AND ENERGY. IT CONFUSED ABOUT CHARACTER MOTIVATION. IT SIDETRACK PLOT CONSTANTLY. THESE SIMPLE SCREENWRITING PROBLEMS. BUT WHAT THE ONE THING TONS PEOPLE POINT TO AS WHY IT SUCK?
EMO PETER PARKER.
HULK HATE SAY IT, BUT THE SAD TRUTH THAT THE “EMO PETER PARKER” SEQUENCE THE ONLY ONE IN FILM THAT ACTUALLY HAVE SENSE OF HUMOR AND PALPABLE ENERGY. SERIOUSLY, HULK ARGUE IT THE ONLY “GOOD” SEQUENCE IN FILM. WATCH IT AGAIN BELOW. HULK THINK MAGUIRE DELIVERING GREAT COMIC PERFORMANCE. ESPECIALLY SINCE THE REAL JOKE THAT THIS WHAT A “CONFIDENT” PETER PARKER ACTUALLY LOOK/ACT LIKE. HILARIOUS.
BUT GIVEN THAT REST OF FILM HAVE NO ENERGY + FUN SCENES WHATSOEVER, IT THEREFORE NOT FIT TONE OF MOVIE WHATSOEVER. IT SIMPLY WAY, WAY DIFFERENT. THEREFORE, IT TANGIBLE TO EVERYONE WHO SEE IT. IT BECOME DEFAULT THING PEOPLE POINT OUT WHEN TRYING EXPLAIN WHY THE MOVIE (WHICH THEY ABSORBED ON VISCERAL LEVEL) SUCKED. TRUST HULK, EVEN IF THE EMO PETER PARKER SEQUENCE NOT IN MOVIE, PEOPLE STILL BE TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH SPIDER-MAN 3 COMPLETELY AND WHOLLY SUCKED. IT JUST THE THING THAT STOOD OUT TO EVERYONE.
OKAY, THAT NOT EVEN THE ONLY REASON. THE OTHER BIG THING PEOPLE POINTED TO THAT “IT HAVE TOO MANY VILLAINS!” NO. NOT AT ALL. IT JUST IT HAVE VILLAINS WHOSE PLOT-LINES GO NOWHERE AND HAVE NOTHING DO WITH EACH OTHER. THE DARK KNIGHT HAVE TWO VILLAINS AND WORK CAUSE THE VILLAINS STORIES INTERTWINED AT KEY POINTS AND CONSTANTLY DRIVE NARRATIVE FORWARD. HULK RECENTLY TALK ABOUT REASON FIRST KUNG FU PANDA WORK SO WELL THAT THE FIVE MAIN CHARACTERS MOTIVATIONS AND PLOT ALL TIE INTO EACH OTHER SEAMLESSLY. AGAIN, IT GO BACK TO STORYTELLING 101. BUT IN SPIDER-MAN 3 EVERY CHARACTER JUST SORT OF DOING OWN THING REGARDLESS OF WHATEVER ELSE GOING ON. AND RAIMI HAD NO INTEREST IN VENOM SO STUDIO FORCED IT ON HIM TO BOOT. AS RESULT, THE SCENE WHERE VENOM AND SANDMAN “TEAM UP” LAUGHABLE IN ITS LAZY CONSTRUCTION. IT COULD NO GIVE LESS OF SHIT. AGAIN, IT NOT THAT THERE ARE TWO VILLAINS. IT THAT THE TWO VILLAINS JUST NOT DONE WELL WHATSOEVER. THE “TOO MANY VILLAINS!” MANTRA SOMETHING NOTICEABLE TO MOVIE-GOING PUBLIC BECAUSE THE PRIOR SPIDER-MAN MOVIES SUCCEED GREAT WITH JUST ONE VILLAIN.
BEING “EXPERT” JUST MEAN YOU ABLE MAKE THE LESS TANGIBLE DETAILS, WELL, TANGIBLE. MANY MUCH-BETTER CRITICS AND HULK SPENT LIFE TRYING FIGURE OUT MOVIES. SO MAYBE HULK CAN TELL WHEN SUBTLE TONE SHIFT AFFECTING AUDIENCE ENJOYMENT. OR WHEN CHARACTER SUDDENLY ACTING OUT OF CHARACTER. OR WHEN DIRECTING DECISION BEING MAKE FOR WRONG REASON. OR IF WRITER’S CERTAIN PERSONALITY TIC COME SHINING THROUGH AND DISRUPT ON THEMATIC LEVEL. OR HOW SOME SORT PRODUCTION HISTORY COMING INTO PLAY. BEING AWARE THIS STUFF THE VERY GOAL BEING CRITIC.
“WAIT A MINUTE” YOU MAY SAY TO HULK. “ISN’T THERE AN OLD SAYING THAT “NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING” IN THIS BUSINESS?”
EXCUSE HULK, BUT THAT HORSESHIT. LOTS PEOPLE KNOW THINGS. IT JUST THERE MORE PEOPLE THAT NOT KNOW THINGS AND THEY HAVE TENDENCY FUCK THINGS UP. BUT WHEN CAPABLE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN PRODUCING, DIRECTING, ACTING, EDITING, AND THEN MARKETING… THE SKY THE LIMIT. LIKE WITH INCEPTION. THAT MOVIE IN ENTIRETY, EVEN THE CORPORATE NON-MOVIE STUFF, HANDLED PERFECTLY. SO TRUST HULK: SOME PEOPLE KNOW THINGS.
HULK ONCE BRING UP “TANGIBLE DETAILS” THEORY IN ONLINE FORUM TO EXCELLENT FILM CRITIC DEVIN FARACI. HE SEEMED AGREE WITH THEORY AND MUCH TO HULK’S SURPRISE, HE OFFER EXACT SAME ANECDOTE HULK OFTEN USE WHEN PROFESSING HULK’S OWN IGNORANCE ABOUT STUFF: NOT KNOWING SHIT ABOUT CARS.
REALLY, HULK KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CARS. HULK KNOW HULK’S CAR EITHER GO BROOM BROOM OR THE ENGINE LIGHT COME ON AND MAKE FUNNY NOISE. BUT OF COURSE THIS NO STOP HULK MAKING BROAD STATEMENTS LIKE, “THIS CAR HANDLE GOOD”, “THIS CAR SUCKS” , OR “THIS CAR LOOK COOL.” IT USUALLY BASED ON OBVIOUS THINGS LIKE APPEARANCE OR SIMPLE FEEL. MEANWHILE, A REAL GEARHEAD WOULD BE ABLE TO ARTICULATE THE PROBLEMS OR BENEFITS OF SAID CAR WITH, YOU KNOW, ACTUAL ACCURACY.
THIS IMPORTANT BECAUSE HULK NO WANT YOU THINK HULK BEING POMPOUS BOUT THIS STUFF. HULK NOT SAYING PEOPLE WHO TALK ABOUT MOVIES POORLY = COMPLETE IDIOTS WHO SHOULD NO BE ALLOWED. NOT IN SLIGHTEST. IT OFTEN JUST ARTICULATED LESS GOOD.
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EVEN IF SOME PEOPLE MAY BE SAYING SOMETHING “IDIOTIC” IN TERMS OF CINEMATIC UNDERSTANDING, THAT NOT MAKE THEM IDIOTS. THEY MAKING SNAP DEDUCTIONS ABOUT SOMETHING OUTSIDE THEY FIELD. HULK TRYING SHOW WITH CAR EXAMPLE THAT SOMETHING WE ALLGUILTY OF. WHICH MEAN IT ALWAYS IMPORTANT THAT WE COLLECTIVELY UNDERSTAND WHEN WE GIVING OPINION THAT NO MAY BE WORTH MUCH. SELF-AWARENESS = CRITICAL.
BUT OF COURSE, NOT EVERYONE ACT ACCORDINGLY. AND EVEN MORE PEOPLE LACK SELF-AWARENESS. GOING BACK TO THAT ONLINE FORUM HULK MENTION EARLIER, THE REASON SUBJECT OF “TANGIBLE DETAILS” COME UP IN FIRST PLACE BECAUSE OF WHAT HULK FIND BE FUNNIEST TREND FOR FILM ARGUMENT AROUND… THE OLE’ “WHAT ACTORS LOOK LIKE” ARGUMENT.
FOR SOME REASON, THE INTERNET LOVE FANTASY CASTING. AND THIS ALWAYS REALLY FUNNY TO HULK CAUSE IT SEEM LIKE MOST FOLKS WHO ENJOY DO IT, PURELY BASING IT OFF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE AND NOTHING MORE. AS IF IT ONLY THING INVOLVED IN ACTING AND NOT ACTUAL, YOU KNOW, PERFORMANCE AND SKILL. THIS MOSTLY HAPPEN WITH COMIC READERS FOR SOME REASON (WHICH HULK COUNT AMONG THEIR MEMBERS… OBVIVOUSLY… THAT OBVIOUS, RIGHT?), BUT HULK HAVE SHOCKING NEWS FOR FELLOW READERS: PHYSICAL LOOK HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING DO WITH IT. SO STOP IT.
PUT IT THIS WAY, EVER WONDER WHY THERE NOT LOT PEOPLE OUT THERE COMPLAINING ABOUT GWENYTH PALTROW NOT BEING NATURAL REDHEAD IN PEPPER POTTS ROLE AFTER THE MOVIE COME OUT? IT BECAUSE SHE FUCKING FANTASTIC IN THOSE MOVIES. SHUT EVERYONE RIGHT UP. MEANWHILE HULK SEE ALL THE TIME LOTS COMIC READERS SAY THE REASON JESSICA ALBA NO GOOD IN FANTASTIC FOUR THE “SHE NOT LOOK RIGHT” OR “SHE A BRUNETTE. IT IDIOTIC!” WHY, YOU RIGHT! IT HAVE NOTHING DO WITH FACT SHE TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE ACTRESS.
THIS SORT OF “LOOK BASED EVALUATION” INSANITY HAPPEN ALL THE TIME. REMEMBER THE CRAIG NOT BOND PEOPLE WHO HAD GIANT CAMPAIGN GET DANIEL CRAIG UN-CAST AS BOND BECAUSE HE HAVE BLONDE HAIR. THE HUMANITY! EVER WONDER HOW SAD THAT CAMPAIGN GET? ONCE MOVIE COME OUT AND BECOME HUGE REBOOT SUCCESS EVERYONE LOVE THEY CLING TO FACT THAT HAPPY FEET OUTPERFORMED IT AS “EVIDENCE” THEY RIGHT…
THE BEST PART THAT THIS SOMETIMES HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ACTORS. THE O.C.D. “LOOKS BASED” TANGIBLE DETAIL THING ONCE APPLIED TO MICHAEL BAY’S TRANSFORMERS MOVIE. IN CASE FORGET, THERE ONCE TONS OF PEOPLE ONCE SIGN BOYCOTT THEY NO SEE TRANSFORMERS MOVIE IF OPTIMUS PRIME HAD FLAMES. THIS HAPPENED. AND IT ACTUALLY KIND OF POPULAR DESPITE NO ONE FROM DREAMWORKS EVER TAKING IT SERIOUSLY. AND THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY, BUT WILLING WAGER MOST PEOPLE SIGNED IT ACTUALLY SAW MOVIE ANYWAY.
BACK TO REA- LIFE ACTORS: THE ACTUAL QUALITY OF ACTING ONLY AFFECT THESE VIEWERS ON SUBCONSCIOUS LEVEL. IT NOT TANGIBLE DETAIL TO THEM. SO TO EXPLAIN WHY JESSICA ALBA RUB THEM WRONG WAY THEY CLING TO PHYSICAL DETAILS. IT HAPPEN ALL THE TIME. O.C.D. COMIC NERDS CLING TO PHYSICAL LOOKS TO EXPLAIN CASTING CAUSE THEY JUST SIMPLY NOT FAMILIAR WITH ACTING.
BUT THE IMPORTANT PART THAT IT NOT LIKE THEY INHUMAN EITHER. VAST MAJORITY CAN GET OVER PHYSICAL DETAILS HEN ACTOR ACTUALLY GOOD. LIKE THE AFOREMENTIONED PALTROW. AND REMEMBER WHEN HUGH JACKMAN “TOO TALL” FOR WOLVERINE? NOBODY GAVE SHIT WHEN HE AWESOME. IDRIS ELBA” TOO BLACK” BE NORDIC GOD? THAT RIDICULOUS CLAMOR DIE DOWN AS SOON AS THEY SEE HOW BADASS HE IN IT. NOPE, IT ONLY COME UP WHEN THESE VIEWERS TRY EXPLAIN BADNESS. HALLE BERRY “SUCKED” AS STORM CAUSE OF HER HAIRDO. RIGHT. IT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HER CHARACTER HAVING NO PLOT/MOTIVATION. THE “LOOKS” THING ABSOLUTELY MOST PERFECT EXAMPLE PEOPLE CLINGING TO THE TANGIBLE DETAILS ARGUMENT.
BUT THAT JUST EXTREME EXAMPLE, RIGHT? HA-HA-HA LET ALL LAUGH AT THOSE DUMB COMIC NERDS ALONE IN THEIR MOM’S BASEMENT EATING BOOGERS (HULK HATE THIS STEREOTYPE WITH PASSION OF THOUSAND SMASHES) WHO SO BENEATH THE UNDERSTANDING OF ESTEEMED CINEPHILES LIKE US!
OKAY. HULK RAISE YOU WITHTHE SUPPOSED BELLWETHER-AND-BASTION-OF-QUALITY… THAT RIGHT, EVERYONE’S FAVORITE FILM CRITICISM LIGHTING ROD, THE OSCARS!
UGH. HULK SORT OF UPSET WITH HULK-SELF CAUSE HULK USE THINK OSCARS ACTUALLY MATTERED. OH THEY MATTER IN HOLLYWOOD BUSINESS SENSE. THEY OFTEN GIVE MORE VIEWERSHIP GOOD FILMS AND HELP SPUR CAREERS MANY TALENTED PEOPLE. IN THAT SENSE HULK APPRECIATE THE WORTH. BUT HULK USE THINK THERE THINGS LIKE INJUSTICES AND TRAVESTIES. LIKE WHAT ACTUALLY WON IMPORTANT FOR SANCTITY OF UNIVERSE OR EVEN SOME KIND OF INDICATOR OF RELATIVE QUALITY. IT NOT TRUE.
THERE OLD ADAGE ABOUT OSCARS AND THAT YOU “SWITCH THE WORD ‘BEST’ WITH ‘MOST.'” AFTER SEEING VOTING PROCESS UP CLOSE HULK TELL YOU IT ABSOLUTELY TRUE. MOST ACTING. ALWAYS THE BIG BOMBASTIC PERFORMANCES WIN. VOTERS LOVE TANGIBLE EVIDENCE LIKE ACTOR PUTTING ON WEIGHT OR “GOING UGLY.” EVEN EXTREME EXAMPLES OF METHOD ACTING WILL DO. OR PERHAPS MOST COSTUME DESIGN. PICK YOUR PERIOD PIECE DU JOUR! MOST SCEENWRITING. PICK MOVIE WITH MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE, IGNORING CHARACTER MOTIVATION AND STORYTELLING 101 STUFF. JUST THE STUFF AVERAGE MOVIE-GOER KNOWS THE WRITER DID. HECK, EVEN MOST PICTURE WORKS. LOOK HOW MANY FLAWLESS FILMS HAVE LOST TO THE MOST EPIC ONE (MOST OBVIOUS L.A. CONFIDENTIAL VS. TITANIC). AND TITANIC AT LEAST HAVE SOME KIND HISTORICAL RELEVANCY. THERE REASON SO MANY OTHER BEST PICTURE WINNERS NO GO ON BECOME HISTORICAL GREATS.
BUT THE BEST EXAMPLE OF “TANGIBLE DETAILS” THEORY ALWAYS THE BEST EDITING CATEGORY. EVERY YEAR IT GO TO “MOST EDITING” WHICH USUALLY SOME FILM WITH LOTS OF RAPID CUTS OR MULTIPLE STORYLINES. IT SAD REALLY. FIRST OFF, THE BEST EDITING COMPLETELY INVISIBLE. WHEN YOU NO NOTICE IT THEN IT ACTUALLY A PROBLEM UNLESS THERE SUPPOSED TO BE LITERAL THEMATIC DEDUCTION TO BE MAKE BY CUT (THINK THE BONE/SPACESHIP TRANSITION IN 2001). SO HOW HELL EVEN JUDGE EDITING? HULK THINK TOM TWYKER’S HEAVEN MIGHT BE BEST EDITED MOVIE EVER, BUT MOST PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HULK EVEN TALKING ABOUT. YOU MAY THINK TWYKER’S RUN LOLA RUN MUCH BETTER EXAMPLE BUT THAT JUST A MOVIE WHERE THE EDITING/STYLE HYPER-TANGIBLE. MEANWHILE THOSE WHO SEEN HEAVEN SAY STUFF “IT SO SLOW AND BORING!” HULK PLEAD IF YOU EVER WATCH IT, PAY ATTENTION TO THE EDITING. IT KNOW EXACTLY HOW LONG HOLD A SILENCE. GREAT STUFF.
BUT THE EDITING ANALOGY TRUE EVEN WITH MAINSTREAM STUFF. HULK MENTIONED TITANIC EARLIER AND THINK IT ONE OF JAMES CAMERON’S SECRET WEAPONS. NO, HULK NOT TALKING ABOUT LENGTH OF MOVIE, BUT STYLE WITHIN SCENES. HULK GIVE CAMERON LOT OF CRAP FOR OTHER WELL-DESERVED REASONS, BUT HULK ACTUALLY THINK HIS INDIVIDUAL SCENES EDITED WONDERFULLY. HE THE ANTI-MICHAEL BAY IN THIS ARENA. HIS CUTS VERY DELIBERATE AND PACED. HE NEVER RELY ON TWO SHOTS WHEN ONE WILL DO. HIS CINEMATOGRAPHY ALWAYS HAVE GREAT SENSE GEOGRAPHY AND HIS EDITING CONFORM TO KEEP THAT IN MIND. HE NEVER RUIN IT BY CUTTING IN CLOSE TOO MUCH. BUT WHEN PUBLIC INSTEAD WHEN TALKING ABOUT WHY CAMERON’S ACTION SCENES GOOD MOST PEOPLE REFER TO THE “WHAT” HAPPEN, NOT THE SUBTLETIES OF HOW. IF ANYTHING THE “WHAT” OF CAMERON’S ACTION OFTEN 13-YEAR-OLD-ESQUE. “AND THE MECH WARRIOR THING CAN TAKE OUT THE BAYONET LIKE A KNIFE AND FIGHT THE THING!” AND SUCH. OR A DUMB CHARACTER BEING LIKE “I GOT A GUN TOO BITCH!” THAT STUFF INSIPID. HULK ARGUE WHAT THEY SUBCONSCIOUSLY RESPONDING TO REALLY WELL-EXECUTED ACTION MISE EN SCENE.
AND TRUTH = EVEN EXPERTS HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKING IDEA WHO BEST EDITORS ARE. THERE BEEN SO MANY MOVIES SAVED IN EDITING ROOM BY PEOPLE WHO NOW JUST THANKLESS HEROES. READ PETER BISKIND’S “EASY RIDERS RAGING BULLS” WHICH FULL OF GREAT STUFF ABOUT THE EDITING DECISIONS BEHIND CLASSIC FILMS. THE MOST FAMOUS EXAMPLE WHEN MARCIA LUCAS CONVINCE GEORGE TO EDIT STAR WARS FOR PACE INSTEAD OF THE RHYTHMS OF THE ACTORS. IT CHANGE MOVIE FROM WHATEVER EVERYONE CALLED “A COMPLETE BORE” TO, WELL, ONE OF MOST ENTERTAINING MOVIES EVER. AND SHE CHANGED FUTURE OF EDITING IN PROCESS.
IMPORTANT NOTE AS TO THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS KIND OF CONVINCING POWER: GEORGE LUCAS DIVORCED HIS EDITOR/WIFE MARCIA IN 1983 AND PROMPTLY NEVER MADE ANYTHING GOOD AGAIN.
FINE, HULK WILL DO THING. STAR WARS TANGENT! HULK ARGUE IT MAY BE MOST COSTLY DIVORCE IN HISTORY OF POPULAR CINEMA. IN NEARLY ACCOUNT OF WHY GEORGE LUCAS NOW SUCK IT ALL STUFF LIKE: HOW HE SURROUND SELF WITH YES MEN, HOW HE GOT OLDER/ISOLATED/OUT OF TOUCH, HOW HE REALLY NOT GOOD AT DIRECTING IN FIRST PLACE, HOW HE COME MORE INTERESTED IN THE TECH NOT THE STORY… THE ONE THING NO ONE EVER, EVER, EVER SEEM MENTION THAT HE LOST MOST IMPORTANT CREATIVE PARTNER ON PLANET. WHO ELSE COULD HAVE TOLD MOST POWERFUL/INDEPENDENT PERSON IN HOLLYWOOD, “NO.” NO ONE. AND IF ANYONE WANT CLUE AS TO WHAT KIND PRESENCE SHE HAVE SHE THE REAL INFLUENCE FOR LEIA: SMART, SASSY, DEFIANT, FUN. THIS EXAMPLE OF ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE ANNOYING TANGIBLE DETAIL THINGS. ONLY IT NOT SUBCONSCIOUS TONE THING, BUT JUST RESEARCH BASED (AND GUESS HOW LITTLE RESEARCH GO ON BEFORE AN OPINION SHOUTED THESE DAYS). SO UNLESS READ UP ON HISTORY OF HER INVOLVEMENT OR UNDERSTAND A LOT ABOUT HOW CRUCIAL EDITING TO PROCESS TO THE FILMS THEN AVG. JOE STAR WARS FAN JUST WOULDN’T KNOW (AND NO HULK NOT GOING GET INTO SPECIFICS OF DIVORCE WHICH GEORGE TEND USE PAINT MARCIA IN BAD LIGHT, BUT IT MORE GRAY AREA THAN THAT). HULK ARGUE MOST STAR WARS NERDS KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MARCIA LUCAS AND SHE PROBABLY ONE OF 3 MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE INVOLVED WITH CREATING WHAT WE KNOW TO BE STAR WARS. HULK IMAGINE EVEN LOT OF FILM NERDS DISMISS HER EDITING ACUMEN AND THINK SHE JUST “THAT LADY GEORGE LET HELP.” HULK CALL BULLSHIT. IT IDEA FOSTERED BECAUSE SHE RETIRED FROM FILM AFTER THE DIVORCE SO IT JUST SEEM LIKE THAT. BUT BY ALL ACCOUNT SHE REALLY TALENTED. NOT JUST FROM STAR WARS ORIGINAL TRILOGY EDITING EITHER. HOW ABOUT HER INVOLVEMENT WITH SCORSESE CLASSICS ALICE DOESN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE AND FUCKING TAXI DRIVER? STARTING TO GET PICTURE NOW? END TANGENT!
OKAY. FORGET MOVIES. HOW BOUT THE MOST POPULAR FORM OF SOCIAL INTERACTION ON PLANET?
SPORTS!
FORTUNATELY, SPORTS HAVE STATISTICS WHICH HELP ILLUSTRATE CRITICAL ARGUMENTS, BUT MOST FANS NOT TAKE TIME DELVE INTO ACTUAL METRICS TO UNDERSTAND THE SUBTLETIES. THEY SIMPLY WATCH AND THINK “HE GOOD” OR “HE SUCKS” BASED ON OBVIOUS, TANGIBLE DETAILS. THAT WHY “BIG GAME” MOMENTS SO VALUABLE TO PLAYER’S ESTIMATED WORTH. IT JUST BECAUSE THEY THE MOMENTS WHERE THE MOST EYEBALLS SEEING WHAT REALLY JUST SMALL BITS EVIDENCE IN METRIC TERMS. BUT THOSE MOMENTS MAKE THINGS MEMORABLE AND SHAPE CONCLUSION, RATHER THAN THE 98% OF OTHER EVIDENCE WHICH MAY BE CONTRARY. MOST OBVIOUS AND WIDELY USED EXAMPLE = JETER’S “GUTSY” PLAY AT SHORTSTOP; AN OPINION BASED ON FEW AMAZING PLAYS IN BIG GAMES. BUT ALL ADVANCED SABREMETRICS SHOW HIS RANGE ACTUALLY TERRIBLE. STILL, THE PUBLIC REVERT TO THE TANGIBLE DETAILS.
NO WORRY, HULK WONT GO ON WITH SPORTS TALK EVEN THOUGH THERE THOUSANDS GREAT EXAMPLES (HULK ADORE SPORTS METRICS). THE POINT = NO MATTER WHAT ARENA OF CRITICISM THE MORE KNOWLEDGE, EXPERIENCE, SENSE OF HISTORY YOU HAVE THE BETTER YOU BE AT ACTUAL DIAGNOSIS AND EVALUATION.(1) WE ALL KNOW THIS TRUE OF CONCRETE + TANGIBLE THINGS LIKE BEING CAR MECHANIC OR DOCTOR. BUT FOR SOME REASON, WITH INTANGIBLE THINGS LIKE ART OR MOVIES AND OTHER THINGS IN SOCIAL EXPERIENCE, THE PUBLIC FORGET THIS OR EVEN OUTRIGHT DESPISE THE “EXPERTS.”
WHY?
SERIOUSLY, LET’S DO THIS. WHY DO SO MANY PUBLIC MOVIE GOERS RESENT CRITICS? WHY THEY THINK THEY “OUT OF TOUCH?” CRITICS SEE HUNDREDS MOVIES A YEAR. THEY MORE “IN TOUCH” WITH WHAT HAPPENING IN MOVIES THAN ANYONE ELSE ON PLANET. THEY SEE EVERYTHING! HULK NOT TRYING PRETEND THEY PERFECT HUMAN BEINGS. OF COURSE SOME CRITICS CAN BE PATRONIZING ASSHOLES. BUT THAT NOT HAVE ANYTHING DO WITH WHAT THEY ACTUALLY SAYING ABOUT MOVIE AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, BEING AN ASSHOLE NEVER THEIR MOTIVATION FOR WRITING SOMETHING ONE WAY OR OTHER. IT ONLY AFFECT STYLE. MEANING THE PROBLEM NOT ACTUALLY THEIR CRITICISM. WE ALL ADMIT ARMOND WHITE = RAGING ASSHOLE AND SEEMINGLY BACKWARD IN EVERY ESTIMATION, BUT WHEN LOOK CLOSE THE MAN HAVE METHOD TO HIS MADNESS.
THAT WEIRD CONSUMERISM/INVERSE PRODUCTION VALUE TAKE = ACTUALLY HOW HE THINK. HE LOVE BRINGING IN RACIAL/SOCIO-ECONOMICAL NON-SEQUITUR INTO EQUATION. ABSURDISH? SURE. BUT IT NOT LIKE HE UNEDUCATED, HE SEEN EVERY FILM IMAGINABLE. AGAIN, IT JUST MEAN OUR PROBLEM NOT HIS CRITICISM, OR EVEN THAT HE TANGENTIAL WITH ARGUMENTS. IT JUST CAUSE HE AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT. STILL, SO MANY PEOPLE CONFUSE THE TWO. THE BIGGEST ARGUMENT LOBBED AT CRITIC DISSENTERS THAT THEY JUST CONTRARIANS, OR HAVE AGENDA, OR JUST LIKE PISSING PEOPLE OF.
DOES ARMOND WHITE LIKE PISSING PEOPLE OF? YUP.
BUT HULK NO THINK THAT THE REASON HE GO ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ON MOVIE. IN FACT, HULK NEVER MET NOR READ A CRITIC WHO WRITE A PIECE ONE WAY OR OTHER FOR SOLE PURPOSE OF JUST TRYING GET RISE OUT OF PEOPLE. NOT FUCKING ONE. THERE CRITICS WHO MORE ANTAGONISTIC THAN OTHERS, BUT ANTAGONISM NEVER THE REASON FOR THAT OPINION IN FIRST PLACE. TRUST HULK. TO SIT DOWN AND ACTUALLY WRITE REVIEW THAT NOT ACTUALLY WHAT THINK… IT JUST IMPOSSIBLE. YET THE BELIEF THAT DISSENTING CRITICS NOTHING MORE THAN AGITATORS SO INCREDIBLY COMMON. HULK NO GET!
AND WHY EVEN GET ANGRY WITH CRITICS FOR DISSENTING OPINION?
IS IT CAUSE NO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY SAYING? NOT GET THE REFERENCE POINTS? CAN NO IMAGINE HOW SOMEONE ACTUALLY THINK LIKE THAT? HULK WANT KNOW WHY THAT AUTOMATICALLY MAKE THEM WORTHLESS? TO TURN TABLES WITH FAMILIAR ANECDOTE, HULK SOMETIMES RESENT CAR MECHANICS (LOWER-CASE-R-RESENT. NOT SERIOUSLY) CAUSE HULK NOT GET LANGUAGE OF CARS AND WHAT THEY EXPLAINING TO HULK. HULK FEEL LOST. BUT HULK NO THINK THE MECHANIC USELESS AND “OUT OF TOUCH” WITH CARS, DO HULK? NOT AT ALL. HULK CAN NO GET ANGRY AND ASSUME THEY IDIOT THEY NOT KNOW ANYTHING. THEY AUTOMATICALLY KNOW MORE THAN HULK (AND GETTING “TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF” ANOTHER SITUATION BASED ON ECONOMICS. THIS PURELY CONVERSATION ABOUT KNOW-HOW SO THAT NO RELATED). SO WHY WE DO SAME WITH PROFESSIONAL EVALUATORS OF ART?
ULTIMATELY, HULK REALLY ONLY FEEL TRULY QUALIFIED TALK ABOUT 7-8 TOPICS WITH ANY SORT OF CONFIDENCE. SAID TOPICS IN ORDER = MOVIES/MEDIA/LIT, COOKING, THE EDUCATION SYSTEM, BASKETBALL, HISTORY, SOCIOLOGY, OCEANOGRAPHY (HULK HAD ENCOMPASSING EDUCATIONAL PATH, OKAY? DEAL WITH IT), AND ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGY. NOW THERE STILL TONS OTHER SUBJECTS HULK INTERESTED IN, BUT ANYTHING OUTSIDE THOSE 7-8 AND HULK SORT OF TALKING OUT HULK BUTT. EVEN 7-8 SEEM LIKE LOT. AND OF THOSE HULK OFTEN GET IN MOST TROUBLE WITH PSYCHOLOGY (HENCE THE “ARMCHAIR” ACKNOWLEDGMENT). THERE MANY TIMES HULK SAY SOMETHING HULK THINK TRUE OF PSYCHOLOGY AND THEN ACTUALLY QUALIFIED PERSON SAY “UH, ACTUALLY HULK, NO SMASH ME, BUT IT REALLY LIKE THIS.” AND THEN HULK EMBARRASSED AND STUFF AND SMASH SELF OUT OF SHAME.
HULK SUSPECT THE PROBLEM THAT EVERYONE SEE MOVIES. IT BIG SOCIAL COMMUNITY THING AND IMPORTANT ONE AT THAT. MEANWHILE, NOT EVERYONE SITTING AROUND TALKING ABOUT TRENDS IN OCEANOGRAPHY.(2) MEANWHILE ” EVERYONE” SAW AVATAR. PERHAPS IN MORE PROBLEMATIC FASHION, THEY GET SEE EXACT SAME MOVIE YOU DO. THIS MEAN FILM CRITICISM MORE DEPENDENT ON WHAT OTHER FILMS SEEN AND PROCESSED BEFORE IT AND HOW FAMILIAR CRITIC WITH FILMMAKERS. WHICH JUST MEAN ANY INTANGIBLE DETAILS IN MOVIE SEEM EVEN MORE IRRELEVANT TO CASUAL OUTSIDER. BUT OF COURSE SEEING TONS MOVIES = CRITICAL. IT ALLOW CONSTRUCT PERSPECTIVE. A SENSE OF FILMIC TRENDS. NARRATIVE. UNDERSTANDING. ALL THAT GOOD STUFF.
BUT EVEN IF THE “EXPERTS” = THE QUALIFIED ONES, EVERYONE STILL HAVE RIGHT THEIR OPINION ON MOVIES. IT ULTIMATELY JUST A CONVERSATION AFTER ALL. IT NOT LIKE OTHER ARENAS WITH TANGIBLE LIFE/DEATH THINGS WHERE ONLY QUALIFIED PEOPLE ALLOWED PARTICIPATE. YOU CAN NO PRACTICE ARMCHAIR HEART SURGERY. YOU CAN NO “SORT OF” BE DOCTOR…
HONESTLY, HULK FEEL LIKE HULK JUST NOW STARTING GET COMFORTABLE WITH FILM CRITICISM. IT TOOK DECADES REALLY. IT HARD LEARN HOW DIGEST WHAT OFTEN EMOTIONAL REACTIONS. BUT EVEN CONCEPTUALLY, MANY YOUNG PEOPLE THINK JUST CAUSE STUDYING IT THAT MEAN THEY AT HEIGHT OF UNDERSTANDING. HULK WARNING ALL FILM STUDENTS OUT THERE. SORRY, IT TAKE LOT LONGER. TRUST HULK, WHO OFTEN LOOK BACK AT COLLEGE PAPERS AND GROAN. BUT EVERY YEAR HULK GET SHARPER IN ABILITY TO EXPLAIN IDEAS, THE VISCERAL REACTIONS, AND THE SUBCONSCIOUS FEELINGS THAT MOVIES ALWAYS ELICIT. THE EDUCATION NEVER STOP.
SO TAKE IT FROM HULK. WHEN DEALING WITH EVERYTHING OUTSIDE THOSE 7-8 TOPICS HULK KNOW ABOUT (OR WHATEVER CASE FOR YOU), IT AMAZING WHAT GOODWILL COME BY SIMPLY STARTING STATEMENT WITH “MAYBE HULK JUST TALKING OUT BUTT HERE, BUT [INSERT OPINION HERE]”
IN THE MEANTIME, SAME ADVICE ALWAYS:
SEE MORE MOVIES.
ENDNOTES:
(1) AND YES, THERE ALWAYS SOME ADDED AMOUNT POLITICAL OR PERSONAL MOTIVATION MIXED UP IN THIS. THEY EVEN MAY PROMOTE AGENDA (BUT THAT RARER THEN MOST THINK. UNLESS IT ACTUAL POLITICS IN WHICH CASE JUST GIVE UP). BUT HULK THINK THAT THE FOUNDATION. FOR EXAMPLE, IF SOMEONE DEVOTED CHRISTIAN WATCHING MOVIE THEN THINGS THAT BECOME MOST OBVIOUS TANGIBLE DETAILS TO THEM = THE THINGS THAT DEAL WITH OR FLY IN FACE OF THEIR BELIEFS. AND THAT WHY THEY RESPOND TO THEM. IT THE MOST OBVIOUS EXAMPLES OF WHAT “WRONG” WITH THE MOVIE, EVEN IF IT NOT THE LANGUAGE OF MOVIES BUT INSTEAD PERSONAL THEOLOGICAL LANGUAGE.
(2) THIS THE CHIEF PROBLEM WITH POLITICS. POLITICS OFTEN CONCERN SO MANY THINGS THAT SUPER-INTERESTING BUT ACTUALLY HAVE NOTHING DO WITH POLITICS. THEY SEPARATE ARENAS THAT REQUIRE EXPERTISE. BUT BECAUSE SO MUCH AT STAKE IN POLITICS (READ: POWER), EVERYTHING BECOME POLITICIZED IN EFFORT “SIMPLIFY” FOR MASSES. BUT INSTEAD STRIVE FOR CLARITY, THEY GO FOR SIMPLICITY AND THOSE PESKY SUPER-OBVIOUS TANGIBLE DETAILS. LIKE WITH GLOBAL WARMING EVERY COLLOQUIAL CONVERSATION SEEM RELY ON SINGULAR EXAMPLES AS “PROOF” ONE WAY OR OTHER. WHILE EXAMPLES MAY BE “TRUE” IN + OF THEMSELVES, THEY NOT INCLUDE THE COMPLICATED-YET-STILL-COMPLETELY-FIGURED-OUT SYSTEMIC REALITY OF HOW WEATHER ACTUALLY WORK. IT ASININE… AND HULK WOULD SAY “HULK NOT WANT GET POLITICAL FOR FOLLOWING” BUT SCREW IT CAUSE THE FOLLOWING ACTUALLY NOT POLITICAL STATEMENT WHATSOEVER. WHEN TREATED IN PROPER TERMS OF SYSTEMIC SCIENTIFIC EVALUATION, GLOBAL WARMING = SCIENTIFICALLY UNDENIABLE. ABSOLUTELY EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF “EVIDENCE” TO CONTRARY = PURE JUNK SCIENCE. THEY WILL SHOW SINGULAR EXAMPLE OF HOW WARMING TREND NOT HAPPENING IN SPECIFIC SPOT AS “PROOF,” BUT IF LOOKED AT FURTHER EVEN IN MOST CASUAL WAY THEY THEN REALIZE THAT THIS NON-WARMING TREND OCCURRING BECAUSE OF GEOGRAPHICALLY ADJACENT SPIKE IN WARMING TREND. FOR EXAMPLE AN OCEAN TEMPERATURE COOLING IN THIS LITTLE PART OF SEA NOT BECAUSE GLOBAL WARMING A HOAX, BUT BECAUSE THE WARMING TEMPERATURE MELTING THE GLACIER RIGHT NEXT TO IT AND SPILLING COLD WATER INTO THIS LITTLE PART OF SEA. AND IT NOT “EVENING THINGS OUT” BUT CAUSING MASSIVE DEVASTATION TO BOTH THE WARMING LAND AND THE COOLING SEA. AND THEN BOTH REACTIONS JUST MAKE THE CYCLE GROW STRONGER. IT OMISSION OF RELEVANT INFORMATION AND ANY SCIENTIST WORTH DAMN IGNORE IT.*
*HULK REALIZE THIS CRAZY TANGENT BUT IT JUST SO DAMN PERTINENT AND HULK SICK TO DEATH OF HEARING THAT THIS A “SCIENTIFIC DEBATE.” NOPE. IT A MANUFACTURED ONE. DON’T BELIEVE HULK? HULK WAS APPROACHED 30 TIMES BY VARIOUS SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS MASKING OIL COMPANIES AND OFFERED CASH TO WRITE ANTI-GLOBAL WARMING PAPERS… STRAIGHT CASH… 30 FUCKING TIMES… AS COLLEGE STUDENT. GO WORK THAT ONE OUT FOR SELVES. THE POLITICIZATION OF A SCIENTIFIC ISSUE = JOKE.
HULK VS. THE BONDS: YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)
LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK. HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.
THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.
ENTRY #5: YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)
SO IN LAST COLUMN ON THUNDERBALL, HULK TALK ABOUT SURPRISINGLY DELICATE TONE NEEDED FOR GOOD BOND MOVIES. THEY NEED BE UP-FRONT YET NOT RIDICULOUS. OBVIOUS, BUT NOT IN YOUR FACE. HULK THINK DR. NO, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, AND THUNDERBALL EXECUTE THIS TONE RATHER WELL.
YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE DOES NOT.
THIS THE FIFTH FILM IN SERIES AND WHAT HULK CONSIDER THE “PROPER END” OF SEAN CONNERY RUN. TAKEN IN THAT CONTEXT, THE FILM ACTUALLY DELIVER IN NUMBER WAYS. I.E., BOND FINALLY MEET THE HEAD OF SPECTER, THE STROKER OF WHITE KITTENS, ERNST STARVO BLOFIELD!
THE CHARACTER GO ONE BE USED MANY TIMES, BUT THIS THE ABSOLUTE BEST VERSION. NO QUESTION. THE ETERNALLY-AWESOME DONALD PLEASANCE PLAY HIM WITH THIS GREAT DETACHED, MALEVOLENT, YET STILL REALLY FAY QUALITY. HE ETHEREAL AND DOWNRIGHT STRANGE. HULK FIND IT BE ONE OF THE SILLIEST-BUT-PLAYED-STRAIGHT PERFORMANCES EVER. WHY HULK ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS PSYCHOTIC WEIRDO MESSED UP ENOUGH TO HAVE WELL-PAID CRONIES RUNNING AROUND JUMP SUITS CARRYING OUT EVIL PLANS. AND YES FOLKS, HE THE OBVIOUS INFLUENCE FOR DR. EVIL (THAT AND LORNE MICHAELS OF COURSE).
THE PLOT KIND OF HILARIOUS. THE FILM START WITH JAMES BOND’S DEATH BEING FAKED SO HE CAN OPERATE IN SECRET. OR SOMETHING. THIS VERY IDEA HILARIOUS AS HE SUPPOSED BE SECRET AGENT. BUT SINCE ALWAYS USE REAL NAME AND SEEMINGLY KNOWN ALL OVER WORLD HULK GUESS IT MAKE “MOVIE SENSE.” MEANWHILE BLOFIELD SECRETLY ABDUCTING RUSSIAN AND AMERICAN ASTRONAUTS (IN SPACE-JACKINGS!) TO TRY START WORLD WAR THREE. HE OPERATING OUT OF JAPAN FOR SOME REASON. MOSTLY SO BOND CAN START TAPPING ASIA HULK GUESS.
SO BOND ARRIVE IN JAPAN AND ATTEND A SUMO WRESTLING MATCH BECAUSE, UNLESS TV AND MOVIE LIE TO HULK, THAT AUTOMATICALLY WHAT HAPPEN WHEN FIRST GO TO JAPAN. THERE THIS WEIRD BIT OF FLIRTY CAT AND MOUSE GAME WITH MYSTERIOUS JAPANESE WOMAN. IT SEEM LIKE SHE ABDUCT JAMES BOND AFTER TRICKING HIM INTO THIS SLIDE THING, BUT TURN OUT SHE WITH JAPANESE SECRET SERVICE AND TOTALLY ON BONDS SIDE. IT MAKE NO SENSE BUT WHATEVER. HER NAME AKI AND SHE TAKE HIM TO BOSS TIGER TANAKA WHO TAKE HIM SOMEONE ELSE BLAH BLAH BLAH. EVEN THOUGH LOTS STUFF OCCURRING, THIS FIRST ACT HAVE ZERO NARRATIVE STEAM.
AND THEN IN SECOND ACT EVEN MORE OF WHOLE BUNCH STUFF HAPPEN. SERIOUSLY. THE MOVIE JAM PACKED WITH SUDDEN BITS INFORMATION AND NARRATIVE TURNS AND HULK NO MAKE SENSE OF ANY OF IT (AND HULK PRETTY SURE HULK HAVE DECENT LOCK ON PLOT OF PRIMER SO THAT TELL YOU THIS BOND PLOT LIKELY NOT VALID). HULK GUESS THE MOVIE REALLY TRYING ACT LIKE ACTUAL SPY/INTRIGUE MOVIEM BUT THEY MAKE HUGE MISTAKE OF ASSUMING NEW PLOT DEVELOPMENTS = MYSTERY. IF THERE NO THROUGH-LINE OR MOTIVE, REALLY IT JUST BS MACGUFFIN-HOPPING.
EVENTUALLY BOND REALIZE SOMETHING FUNKY GOING ON THIS REMOTE ISLAND. SO HE GO TO TANAKA’S NEARBY NINJA ISLAND… YES. ACTUAL NINJA ISLAND. THERE TIMES IT USED EFFECTIVELY AND TIMES IT CRINGE WORTHY, BUT OVERALL HULK OKAY WITH THE NINJA ISLAND DEVELOPMENT. SO THEN Q SHOW UP AND BOND RIDE IN DORKY HELICOPTER TO SCOUT THE STRANGE ISLAND. THERE HELICOPTER FIGHT SCENE THAT KIND OF NEAT. LATER THE BAD GUYS RETALIATE AND AKI (WHO BOND CURRENTLY DOING IF HULK NO MENTION) GET KILLED IN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT. BOND SAD.
BUT THAT LITERALLY FOR, LIKE, TWO SECOND CAUSE BOND THEN HAVE GET MARRIED TO NEW HOT JAPANESE WOMAN AS PART OF SUBLIMATION INTO JAPANESE CULTURE.. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEN… PERHAPS HULK SHOULD EXPLAIN WHAT LEAD UP TO IT.
IN ORDER FOR BOND BE ON THIS NINJA ISLAND, BOND TOLD HE HAVE “BECOME JAPANESE” TO BLEND IN AND BE ACCEPTED. SO THEY DO OBVIOUS THING AND PUT HIM IN BLACK MOE WIG, CHANGE ANGLE OF EYEBROWS, AND GIVE HIM MASCARA. IN CASE IT NO OBVIOUS, HE LOOK NOTHING LIKE JAPANESE PERSON…
THE JAW-DROPPING THING THAT THIS MAYBE ONLY LIKE THE 17TH MOST ABSURD THING EVER HAPPEN IN BOND MOVIE AND MAYBE ONLY THE 28TH MOST RACIST THING. STILL, EVERYONE NOW TREAT BOND AS JAPANESE-NINJA-IN-TRAINING EVEN THOUGH CONNERY CONTINUE USE THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT. TO CONNERY’S “CREDIT” HE DO MANAGE ADD THIS WEIRD TIC OF PROPRIETY, LIKE AT LEAST ATTEMPT MAKE SOME KIND OF VERBAL CHANGE, BUT IT ONLY MAKE THING ALL THE MORE SAD.
LOOK, HULK ARGUE THERE SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF IN SPIRIT OF MOVIE AND SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF AGAINST SPIRIT OF MOVIE. THIS CLEARLY AGAINST. JUST ONE OF THOSE AMAZINGLY TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE CHOICES THAT NO CAN BELIEVE EVERYONE KEEP SAYING “YEAH SURE.” IT PRETTY MUCH HAUNTED THE MOVIE FOREVER. IT CAN NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY WAY AFTER DOING THIS. YET IT SO DELIGHTFULLY INSANE AND DATED THAT HULK LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT. BUT IT ONLY IRONIC ENJOYMENT, NOT GENUINE DELIGHT. MODERN AUDIENCES TEND CONFUSE THE TWO A BIT SO HULK JUST MAKING CLEAR THE DIFFERENCE.
SO BACK TO BOND MARRYING NEW RANDOM HOT JAPANESE GIRL. AGAIN, AKI DIED MINUTES AGO. HE NOW BEING TOLD HE HAVE MARRY NEW GIRL. BOND, EVER DEVOTED TO THE MISSION, WORRIED HE GOING BE WED TO FAT COW. BUT OF COURSE HIS NEW WIFE HE MEET AT CEREMONY ANOTHER HOT JAPANESE GIRL NAMED KISSY SUZUKI (BOND GIRL NAMING NEVER CEASE AMAZE HULK). SO NEEDLESS SAY BOND EXCITED. HE PROMPTLY TRY ENJOY HIS NEW MARRIAGE BENEFITS BUT KISSY NOT HAVIN IT… WHOA… MORALS! SELF-ESTEEM! THIS REALLY A BOND MOVIE?
SO IMMEDIATELY THEY GO INTO 3RD ACT MODE AND IT TAKE BOND WAY TO LONG TO FIGURE OUT THE VOLCANO FAKE. THEY GO INTO BLOFELD’S LAYER. PIRANHAS HAPPEN. THERE SOME ARYAN STRONGMAN TYPE. NINJA ISLAND SHOWS UP TO FIGHT. AND FINALLY THEY HAVE EPIC LAME CONFRONTATION WHERE BLOFELD SOMEHOW ESCAPE ON TINY MONORAIL. BOND SAVE DAY. ESCAPE WITH KISSY AND THEY GET IN ON IN SURVIVAL RAFT (THIS HAPPEN A LOT TO BOND).
SO AGAIN, IT NOT EXACTLY THE WHAT BUT THE HOW. THE FILM HAVE ALL THIS WEIRD HALF-ASSEDNESS WHERE IT NOT COASTING IN GOOD WAY. IT NO LIKE DIRECTOR LEWIS GILBERT ABJECTLY HORRIBLE. HE JUST NOT AS GOOD AT BALANCE LIKE TERENCE YOUNG. THE TONE JUST READ FAR SILLIER SOME PLACE THEN INTENDED. SURE DEAR READER, IT STILL FAR FROM ROGER MOORE DEPTHS OF CORNINESS. BUT SERIES PROBLEMS STARTING CREEP IN SERIES: THE JUMPSUIT-CLAD MINIONS STARTING DESCEND INTO PARODY. FUTURE MOVIES WILL MISTAKE BLOFELD’S STRANGENESS FOR THE REASON HE GOOD (REALLY IT BECAUSE PLEASENCE MADE THAT SHIT WORK). THE AFOREMENTIONED RACIST STUFF. THE NONSENSICAL PLOT. THE MACGUFFIN HOPPING. THERE LOTS OF STUFF HERE THAT SPELL DOOM FOR THE FIRST “END OF THE SERIES.”
BUT STILL HULK HAPPY ACCEPT IT FOR WAYS IT GOOD AS “CONCLUSION” TO CONNERY’S RUN.
WEIRD NOTE: THE MOVIE WRITTEN BY ROALD DAHL. YES THAT RHOALD DAHL. HIS ONLY SCREENPLAY CREDITS THIS AND CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG. BOTH NOVELS ACTUALLY BY IAN FLEMING! HULK SURE THERE SOME REASON FOR IT, BUT ON SURFACE IT SEEM FUCKING BIZARRE.
BEST MOMENT: BOND BREAK INTO OSATA CHEMICALS AND END UP FACING THIS BIG STRONG JAPANESE GUY. THERE FISTICUFFS AND COUCH FLIPPING BUT IT ABSOLUTELY BEST FILMED FIGHT SCENE TO DATE. GRANTED, MOST OF FIGHTING BEFORE THIS IN THAT LAZY “CLASSIC” STYLE WHERE TO GUYS JUST EXCHANGE PUNCHES AND BLOCK AWKWARDLY, BUT FOR EVEN TODAY IT PRETTY GOOD.
YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?
GOOD NEWS FOR ASIAN FETISHISTS!*
*NOTE: BECAUSE THIS THE INTERNET AND HARD TELL IF SERIOUS OR NOT, HULK NOT ACTUALLY IMPLYING DATING ASIAN PEOPLE = FETISHISM. COME ON. HULK POINTING OUT THE DISTINCTLY FETISHISTIC NATURE TO PRETTY MUCH ALL MINORITY BOND GIRLS THAT COME INTO FOLD PRE-HALLE BERRY… HULK ALSO ACCEPT ARGUMENTS FOR GRACE JONES AS SHE SORT OF “POST-RACIAL” TOO. BUT SERIOUSLY. IT ALWAYS FETISHISTIC. THINK HULK JOKING? OBSERVE:
THIS STUFF ON THE ACTUAL POSTERS.
IT INTERESTING THING BRING UP ACTUALLY. TO AUDIENCE TODAY, IT LAUGHABLY INSULTING TO THINK STUFF LIKE THIS “PROGRESSIVE” BUT IT CAPTURE THAT WEIRD MOMENT IN TIME WHERE IT NOT COMPLETELY MERIT-LESS ARGUMENT. THE BOND PEOPLE TALK AT LENGTH ABOUT THEIR FORWARD THINKING HERE AND HOW THEY CAST INTERRACIAL LOVE INTERESTS. HULK MEAN IT JUST SO OBVIOUS THAT IDEA OF MEN BEDDING WOMEN OF EXOTIC RACES NOT FORWARD THINKING IN SLIGHTEST. HECK, IT BEEN FASCINATION OF MALE CULTURE FOREVER (HULK COULD EVEN ARGUE IT GO BACK TO GENETIC PREDISPOSITION BUT THAT PRETTY B.S. TOO). BUT POINT IS, AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME IT NOT SOMETHING ALL THAT WELL-REPRESENTED IN POPULAR NARRATIVE. SO EVEN THOUGH IT FETISHISTIC, AT LEAST IT NOT CAPITAL R-RACIST DEMAGOGUEY WHITE PURITY BACKWARDNESS … HULK JUST REALIZE THIS TERRIBLE ARGUMENT FOR WHY IT OKAY.
MOVING ON…
AKIKO WAKABAYASHI AS AKI – AKI ACTUALLY DECENT. THIS POINT IN SERIES WERE SOME OF BOND GIRLS START BEING ALLOWED BE CAPABLE OF, LIKE, ACTUALLY DOING SPY STUFF. SO THAT NEAT. SHE ACTUALLY SEEM LIKE WOMAN FULL OF CONFIDENCE TOO. HER PARTNERSHIP WITH BOND NOT SEEM LIKE OUT SOME OBLIGATION, BUT MORE “IM’MA DO WHAT I WANT DO.” WHICH WHAT SHOULD BE, RIGHT? BUT HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE HAVE DIE HALFWAY THROUGH. THERE NO ACTUAL DRAMA TO IT. AND IT WOULD BEEN MUCH MORE INTERESTING IF SHE GO ALL WAY THROUGH ACTION FIGHTING AT BOND’S SIDE.
KARIN DOR AS HELGA BRANDT – SO THIS LADY IN MOVIE TOO. SHE ONE OF BAD GUYS ASSISTANTS AND SHE SORT OF LOOK LIKE CROSS BETWEEN LUCIANA FROM LAST FILM AND THE DIANA RIGG FROM FILM AFTER THIS ONE… THAT KIND OF WEIRD. HER BOND GIRL ARCHETYPE = THE MARGINALIZED AND USED ASSISTANT. THIS ONE COME UP LOT IN BOND FILMS. SHE COMMANDED BY BOSS TO KILL JAMES BOND. SO SHE PRETEND DEFECT TO HIS SIDE FOR SOME REASON, SLEEP WITH HIM, THEN TRY KILL HIM BY JUMPING OUT HIS FAILING PLANE. SURPRISE THOUGH, BOND ESCAPE! THE WHOLE SEQUENCE PRETTY BIZARRE. AND MORE THAN THAT, THESE CHARACTERS ALWAYS STRIKE HULK AS SADDEST IN SERIES. THEY PAWNS IN BIG SEXUAL MAN’S GAME. THEY ESSENTIALLY ABUSED BY THEIR BOSSES, THEN ABUSED BY BOND. AUDIENCE SUPPOSED BE OKAY WITH IT CAUSE SHE “BAD GUY” CHARACTER, BUT THAT RARELY WAY IT FEEL. ANYWAY, FOR HER FAILURE KILL BOND SHE TREATED TO ONE OF BEST DEATHS IN THE ENTIRE SERIES:
PIRANHA’D!
MIE HAMA AS KISS SUZUKI – AHHH, THE INTERCHANGEABLE REPLACEMENT… HULK ALREADY DISCUSS AT LENGTH SO… WHATEVER.
OK, OK. HULK GUESS IT WORTH SAYING SHE NICE ENOUGH OR SOMETHING. SHE ALTERNATED BETWEEN DOE-EYED AND FEIGNED COMPETENCE. BUT IT JUST ALL SO UNDESERVED COMING SO SOON AFTER AKI.
MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: THERE METRIC-SHIT-TON IN THIS MOVIE, BUT HULK HAVE SAY IT HOW HILARIOUSLY FAST BOND MOVE ON FROM AKI TO AFOREMENTIONED NEXT GENERIC ASIAN GIRL.
SUPPORTING CAST: HULK ALREADY TALK ABOUT HOW AWESOME PLEASANCE = AS BLOFELD. BUT REALLY THERE NO OTHER NEW INTERESTING CHARACTERS ASIDE ONES HULK ALREADY MENTION. MR. OSATO PRETTY MUCH A BORE. THE ARYAN STRONGMAN HAVE NOTHING GOING ON. REALLY. THAT IT.
AT LEAST DESMOND LLEWELYN SORT OF COMING INTO OWN AS Q IN THIS MOVIE. HE GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH HIS GRUMPY, PATERNAL NATURE WITH BOND AND SEEM FULLY DEVELOPED THE Q SCHTICK. STILL, IT FINALLY NICE SEE HIM DELIGHT IN BOND’S ABILITY TO USE THE EQUIPMENT HANDILY.
DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: THREE HULK SMASHES OUT OF FIVE! (THIS MAY SEEM HIGH GIVE REVIEW, BUT HULK ASSURE YOU. IT GONNA GET WORSE SOON)
BETTY’S TAKE: [upon seeing James Bond appear in ridiculous “japanese” disguise]: “Oh rordy!”**
**SIGH. IN CASE HULK HAVE EXPLAIN JOKE AGAIN, BETTY NOT ACTUALLY BEING RACIST BUT MIMICKING THE RACIST ATTITUDE OF FILMMAKERS FOR HAVING CREATED SUCH MONSTROSITY… THAT CLEAR, RIGHT? HULK FEEL LIKE THE INTERNET MAKING HULK CRAZY.
HULK VS. THE BONDS: THUNDERBALL (1965)
LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK. HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.
THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.
BOND ENTRY #4: THUNDERBALL (1965)
HULK HAVE GET BACK TO THIS ARTICLE SERIES SO THAT HULK NOT FORGET THEM AGAIN. RIGHT NOW HULK JUST FINISHING UP DALTON ENTRIES SO, SAY LEAST, HULK BEHIND. WHEN LAST LEFT THIS SERIES HULK ARGUE GOLDFINGER NOT THE GREAT MOVIE MOST REMEMBER. IT JUST JUST HAVE REALLY GREAT HIGH POINTS AND UNDERNEATH THOSE BITS THERE WHOLE BUNCH OF PROBLEMS THAT UNDO THE SERIES LATER ON.
LUCKILY, THUNDERBALL MORE LIKE IT.
HULK HAPPY TO HAVE ANOTHER BOND IN LINE WITH THE THINGS HULK LIKED ABOUT THE FIRST TWO ENTRIES. THE FILM HAVE QUIET CONFIDENCE ABOUT IT. CALL IT SURE-FOOTED. THIS MOSTLY DUE TO THE RETURN OF TERENCE YOUNG, THE GREAT DIRECTOR OF FIRST TWO BOND FILMS WHO SEEM EXACTLY KNOW HOW MAKE JAMES BOND FILMS FEEL EFFORTLESS; THERE KIND OF “REALISTIC” PORTRAYAL OF BOND AND YET HE TOTALLY OF THAT PARTICULAR WORLD. BUT IT DEFINITELY CONNERY TOO. HE COMPLETELY KNOW HOW PLAY BOND AT THIS POINT (OR HULK WONDER IF MAYBE HE JUST COMFORTABLE BEING HIMSELF). MORE IMPORTANTLY, THIS FILM THE LAST ENTRY IN SERIES BEFORE CONNERY SEEM LOSE INTEREST IN ROLE.
ASIDE FROM THIS, THERE NOT LOT SAY ABOUT THUNDERBALL IN TERMS OF DISTINCTION. THE PLOT FAIRLY STRAIGHTFORWARD, BOND NOW MOVING UP THE SPECTER RANKS AND GOING AFTER “NUMBER TWO” A.K.A. EMILIO LARGO. THERE SOMEWHAT NIFTY BIT ABOUT BODY SWITCHING WITH PLASTIC SURGERY DOUBLES. AND SOME NUCLEAR BOMB THEFT. STILL, THERE SOME WONDERFULLY INSANE BITS IN THE FIRST ACT. LIKE THE WHOLE PRE-CREDITS OPEN AND THE JET PACK REVEAL. LIKE THE CORRUPTED “SPINAL TRACTION MACHINE” WHICH TOTALLY FILMED LIKE JAMES BOND FUCKING SOMETHING TO DEATH.
HULK LOVE WHEN BOND FILMS SO ON-THE-NOSE ABOUT THIS KIND OF STUFF. LIKE THE CASTRATION LASER FROM GOLDFINGER. THE PHALLOCENTRIC THEMATICS JUST WORK SO MUCH BETTER WHEN IT CLEANER + SELF AWARE. HULK ARGUE BOND FILMS AT THEIR WORST WHEN THE PSYCHO-SEXUAL-MACHOISM STUFF MORE UNDER THE SURFACE AND SNEAKY. IT FEEL MUCH MORE INSIDIOUS. BUT WHEN IT THIS BIG AND BOMBASTIC, WITHOUT BEING OUTRIGHT CARTOONY, IT ABSOLUTELY BEST WAY PRESENT BOND IN ALL HIS RIDICULOUSNESS. YOU MAY WONDER HOW IT EVEN POSSIBLE SHOW ON-THE-NOSE SCENE ABOUT BOND FUCKING TO DEATH AND IT SOMEHOW NOT BE CARTOONY, BUT THAT THE SECRET DIFFICULTY OF DOING A BOND MOVIE. AND IT SPEAK TO WEIRD NATURE OF “TONE.” FILMMAKING, ESPECIALLY THE BIG STUFF, ACTUALLY A REMARKABLY SUBTLE THING. THE LINES BETWEEN INSIDIOUS, BROAD, SUBTLE, AND OBVIOUS OFTEN RATHER SMALL. AND IT THE DIRECTORS JOB BE IN CONTROL OF IT. AND HULK THINK TERENCE YOUNG KNOW STRADDLE THOSE LINES PERFECTLY. OTHERS MAKE THE MISTAKE GOING TOO TONGUE+CHEEK, OR TOO GRIM, OR TOO CURRENT. THUNDERBALL, MEANWHILE, STRIKE HULK JUST RIGHT.
YET EVEN IF HULK LOVE THE TONE OF FILM, THERE STILL NOT TOO MUCH ESPECIALLY DISTINCT ABOUT IT. AND HULK ACKNOWLEDGE TANGIBLE THINGS OFTEN WHAT THE AUDIENCE POINT TO FOR “BAD” OR “GOOD.” RARELY IF EVER TONE… SO HULK SUPPOSE THE FILM REALLY USE THE CARIBBEAN LOCATION TO MAXIMUM EFFECTIVENESS. WHICH GOOD CONSIDERING IT STAY CENTRALLY LOCATED THERE FOR MOST OF MOVIE.
THE FINAL ACTION SEQUENCE OF ALL THE SCUBA DIVERS HAVING HARPOON BATTLE OVER THE NUKES ONLY IMPROVE WITH MORE ONE KNOW ABOUT FILMMAKING. SHOOTING SOMETHING THAT LONG AND THAT COMPLICATED UNDERWATER MUST BEEN ABSOLUTE HELL. AND THE RESULTS HOLD UP REMARKABLY WELL. PRECISELY BECAUSE IT THE EXACT KIND OF FILMMAKING THAT ALL THE CGI IN THE WORLD CAN NO REPLICATE. IT THIS SAME REASON CAR CHASES FROM THIS ERA HOLD UP WELL TOO… NOBODY BOTHER TAKE THE TROUBLE ANYMORE.
HMMM. WHAT ELSE… REALLY IT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS IN THIS MOVIE, BUT HULK GET TO THAT LATER IN PROPER SECTION.
ANYTHING ELSE? OH YEAH, THUNDERBALL BEGIN THE LONGSTANDING BOND TRADITION OF BRINGING IN HUGE STAR TO DO TERRIBLE THEME SONG. AND YES, TOM JONES’ THUNDERBALL SONG ABSOLUTELY SUCKED.
(UPDATE: HULK READER PHIL PRESENT THIS LITTLE BIT ALTERNATIVE HISTORY. ENJOY JOHNNY CASH’S SUBMISSION FOR THUNDERBALL THEME SONG)
BEST MOMENT: THE JETPACK? THE POOL-BOUND SHARK ATTACK? THE ENDING HARPOON SEQUENCE?
LETS FACE IT. IT JAMES BOND PUNCHING A WIDOW IN THE FACE:
PLEASE GO TO 1:32… (CAN’T IMBED) http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3hsb4_thunderball-pretitle-sequence_shortfilms
HAVE YOU WATCHED YET?
YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?
THUNDERBALL DEFINITELY ONE OF ALL-STAR OUTINGS FOR BOND GIRLS.
1. CLAUDINE AUGER AS “DOMINO” – LIKE MOST BOND GIRLS, AUGER VERY PRETTY, BUT SHE ALSO PRETTY IN WAY THAT HULK FIND PRETTY… SO THERE. HER CHARACTER = THE HONEY RIDER ARCHETYPE, ONLY SOMEHOW EVEN MORE OF A DOE-EYED INNOCENT WHOSE PERSONAL TRAGEDY CAUGHT UP IN THE MAIN GAME OF PLOT. LITTLE SHE KNOW HER BROTHER KILLED IN SCHEME CONDUCTED BY LARGO. WAIT WAS LARGO HER UNCLE? HULK FORGET EXACTLY HOW LARGO RELATED TO HER. MAYBE SHE HIS BOYFRIEND? HULK DON’T REMEMBER. WAIT NO. SHE HIS MISTRESS AND HULK NOW REMEMBERING ALL THESE PARTS WHERE HE NO GIVE HER LOVING AND STUFF CAUSE HE TOO BUSY BEING OLD MAN AND DEALING WITH SPECTER STUFF. YEAH THAT SOUND ABOUT RIGHT. ANYCRAP, THE THING HULK LIKE ABOUT DOMINO THAT THERE THERE ACTUAL HUMAN GENTLENESS TO HER. AS IN SHE ACTUALLY SEEM LIKE INNOCENT PERSON CAUGHT UP IN ALL THE MASSIVE NUCLEAR HIJACKING CRAZINESS. SHE NOT JUST SOME CARDBOARD CUTOUT DESPITE BEST EFFORTS OF SCRIPT NOT TO GIVE HER PERSONALITY.
IN TRUTH, MOST BOND GIRLS LEFT UP TO THEIR OWN DEVICES. THEY PRESENTED WITH MOST BASIC OF ROLES AND THEIR NATURAL PERSONALITY OR RELATIVE LOOK/ATTRACTIVENESS END DOING ALL THE WORK. IT JUST HOW THESE THINGS GO. WAITING FOR A BOND WRITER TO UNDERSTAND HOW WRITE WOMEN SEEM FUTILE (WHY NOT HIRE A WOMAN?). AND AT SAME TIME THE SCRIPT DESERVE CREDIT FOR NOT MAKING HER VAPID ENOUGH TO JUST THROW HERSELF WILLINGLY AT BOND FROM GET GO. THAT WAY SHE NOT CONSTANTLY AT HIS MERCY TO BE GUIDED AROUND AIMLESSLY LIKE HELPLESS VICTIM. SURE, SHE NOT HAVE LOT TO DO, BUT THERE SIMPLE VALUE TO RECOGNIZING THAT AT LEAST THEY NO MAKER HER PLAIN AWFUL.
MOVING ON…
2. LUCIANA PALUZZI AS FIONA VULPE -MEET THE FIRST IN LONG LIST OF BADASS BOND GIRL ENEMIES (PUSSY GALORE IN GOLDFINGER NOT REALLY COUNT. SHE JUST SORT OF FLY PLANES AND THAT IT). FIONA VULPE = THE FIERY RED-HAIRED VOLUPTUOUS ASSASSIN WHO WEAR FULL LEATHER SPANDEX AND RIDE AROUND ON MOTORCYCLE ARMED WITH MACHINE GUNS… YEAH IT LIKE 13 YEAR OLD BOY’S BRAIN EXPLOSION.
BUT REMEMBER, HULK LIKE WHEN BOND MOVIES UPFRONT ABOUT THIS STUFF WITHOUT GOING OVER EDGE. AND TERENCE YOUNG SOMEHOW KNOW HOW MAKE HER CHARACTER NOT COME OFF LIKE CARTOON (MOSTLY CAUSE SHE GET THE GREAT MANTIS-LIKE OPENING). PLUS SHE ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD IN ROLE. PALUZZI ALL SWAGGER AND DEADPAN GLARES OF VENOM. HER SCENE WHERE SHE DANCE WITH BOND WHILE TRYING KILL HIM GREAT… IT JUST SHAME HER TENURE CUT SHORT SO LAMELY.
3. THERE ALSO MARTINE BESWICK AS PAULA, THE FELLOW MI6 AGENT – SERIOUSLY, WHAT UP WITH THE GIRLS BOND WORK WITH? IT THIS ODD REOCCURRING PART OF SERIES WHERE BOND JUST HAVE NO INTEREST IN BEDDING THEM. IT CERTAINLY NOT CAUSE HE PROFESSIONAL. HULK MEAN, THE SCENE WHERE HE LEAVE PAULA TO GO ON DOMINO’S BOAT = HILARIOUS. WHAT GIVE?
MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: DEAR LORDY. IT EASILY IN FIRST ACT WHEN BOND USE THE SPINAL TRACTION MALFUNCTION PROBLEM TO GUILT-TRIP THE NURSE INTO DOING HIM. SHE CLEARLY WANT NO PART OF IT AND THIS TOTALLY FREAKING SEXUAL ASSAULT NOWADAYS, ATTEMPTED BLACKMAIL TO BOOT! BUT IN BONDS 60’S? HAVE AT IT BOY-YO! OH, AND IN TYPICAL BOND FASHION THE FRIGHTENED, MANIPULATED NURSE NOW FULLY SATED AFTER GETTING THE GIFT OF BOND PENIS… THEN HE PROMPTLY LEAVE HER OF COURSE.
SUPPORTING CAST: ADOLFO CELI HAVE KIND OF THIS IMPOSING, BUT BLAND PRESENCE AS LARGO. HE NOT AS LAMELY INEFFECTUAL AS GOLDFINGER, BUT THERE STILL KIND OF THIS WEIRD LACK OF DISTINCTION TO HIM. HULK MOSTLY REMEMBER THE EYEPATCH, BUT HULK ALSO REMEMBER HIS TIME-HONORED BOND-VILLAIN TRADITION OF LOVING SHARKS. THOSE DEVICES REALLY DO MOST OF THE VILLAINY HEAVY LIFTING.
SIGH… ANOTHER BOND MOVIE, ANOTHER FORGETTABLE FELIX LEITER. THIS SERIES GO THROUGH FELIX’S LIKE DARRENS. AND THIS TIME IT RIK VAN NUTTER. HULK TRULY HAVE NO MEMORY EVEN SEEING HIS FACE.
ALSO, HULK COMPLETELY FORGET WHAT MONEYPENNY LIKE IN THIS ONE… CHANCES ARE SHE THE SAME.
DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: FOUR HULK SMASHES OUT OF FIVE.
BETTY’S TAKE: “This is the one where he was in shorts for, like, half the running time right? Yeah that was my favorite one.”
HULK’S MOVIE WEEKEND: THE TREE OF LIFE AND KUNG FU PANDA 2
HULK ASK YOU CONSIDER FOR MOMENT THE NATURE OF MOVIE GOING EXPERIENCE.
YOU SHOW UP. YOU SIT IN BIG DARK ROOM WITH STRANGERS. AND YOU EXPERIENCE SOMETHING TOGETHER. NO, IT NOT REALLY ABOUT THE GIANT SCREEN OR THE 100 SPEAKERS LINING WALLS. BESIDES, AT THIS POINT PEOPLE CAN SOMEWHAT REPLICATE THE TECHNOLOGY OF THEATER EXPERIENCE AT HOME (SOMEWHAT). SO WHY GO?
HULK POINT OUT THIS PHRASE AGAIN: “AND YOU EXPERIENCE SOMETHING TOGETHER.”
NO. CAN’T BE, RIGHT? “PEOPLE SUCK! ESPECIALLY IN A THEATER!” SO WHY WE ALL STILL GO?
MAYBE YOU CAN ARGUE IT JUST A COINCIDENCE BECAUSE IT ONLY WAY SEE NEW MOVIES. BUT LIKELY YOU THERE WITH PEOPLE WHO THERE FOR SAME REASON. AND MAYBE IT NOT LIKE YOU JUST ALL STUCK TOGETHER. MAYBE YOU ALL WANT SAME THING FROM THE MOVIE. TO ENJOY IT FOR ONE. AND IN THAT SPIRIT THOSE SAME PEOPLE CAN SHARE AND TALK ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE AND HOW IT PLAY TO WHAT THEY WANT OR EXPECTED…. MAYBE.
OR MAYBE YOU ARGUE YOU CAN NO STAND THE MOVIE THEATER WITH ALL THOSE ANNOYING PATRONS, PLAYING ON IPHONES AND TALKING DURING MOVIE. AFTER ALL, THEY JUST BECOME SO MUCH WORSE THIS DAY+AGE, RIGHT? HULK HATE BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT PEOPLE BEEN ACTING THE SAME WAY IN MOVIE THEATERS FOR LONG, LONG TIME. PEOPLE ALWAYS BEEN PRONE TO OBNOXIOUSNESS AND THE BRIGHT IPHONE SCREEN JUST NEW DISTRACTION ON LONG, LONG LIST.
AND QUITE FRANKILY ,THE ANNOYING PEOPLE JUST PART OF IT.
MOVIE-GOING, THE WHOLE LOT OF IT: THE CRAZY MIDNIGHT SHOWS, THE FIRST-WEEKEND CROWDS, THE POPCORN, THE WAIT, THE ANTICIPATION, THE ANNOYING PEOPLE ON CELLPHONES, THE LAUGHTER, THE SCREAMING, THE…
… THE PALPABLE ENERGY.
YEAH, THAT THE TICKET. THE ENERGY. WHEN YOU SIT CROWDED THEATER THERE DEFINITELY SOMETHING HAPPENING IN ROOM. IT NOT LIKE THE FEELING ON COUCH, WHERE ANY OLD THING CAN HAPPEN ON SCREEN AND IT JUST SORT OF PASS BY YOU BY. NO. IN THE MOVIES THERE AN ELECTRIC FEELING OF A GROUP EXPERIENCING THE SAME THING. A HEIGHTENED SENSE OF REACTION NO POSSIBLE BY YOUR LONESOME.
THAT THE POWER OF THE THEATER EXPERIENCE. THAT WHY WE GO TO THEM. THAT WHY HULK LOVE THEM.
AND HULK HAD VERY GOOD WEEKEND AT THE MOVIES.
THE TREE OF LIFE
THE WORLD JUST RECEIVE GIFT OF TERRENCE MALICK’S 5TH FEATURE FILM. SUCH THINGS NOT BE TAKEN WITH AMBIVALENCE. NOW, HULK WILL NO TELL YOU THAT THEY SOMETHING THAT HAVE BE CHERISHED OR COMMENDED OR UNIVERSALLY ADORED… NOTHING OF SORT. MALICK FILMS SHOULD JUST BE APPRECIATE IN SAME WAY ANY RARE THING SHOULD. NOT JUST IN THE SENSE THAT THE FILMMAKER HAVE SUCH LITTLE OUTPUT OVER THE DECADES, BUT ALSO BECAUSE OF VERY NATURE OF HIS FILMS. THE IMPOSSIBLY DELICATE THINGS. ORNATE. EXPANSIVE. WONDROUS. BOLD. REGARDLESS OF PERCEIVED QUALITY, THE KIND FILMS MALICK MAKE JUST SO IMPOSSIBLY RARE AND ANTIQUATED. THEY REMIND HULK OF SOMETHING OUT OF VERSAILLES, SUCH AS ONE THOSE GOLD ENCRUSTED FRAMES AROUND A BEAUTIFULLY-PAINTED LANDSCAPE.
IF YOU EVER SEEN MALICK FILM YOU KNOW WHAT HULK TALKING ABOUT. AFTER ALL, IF HULK BEING HONEST, THERE WAY IN WHICH THEY ALL REALLY THE SAME THING: INSERT SHOTS OF NATURE, POETIC VOICE OVER, COMPLETE SILENCES, BIBLICAL THEMES, THE FALL OF EDEN, HAUNTING BEAUTY, DEATH, LIFE, BIG PONDEROUS EXISTENTIAL QUESTIONS. THEMATICALLY THEY ALL THE SAME (WONDERFUL) STUFF. AND FORMALLY, MALICK BEEN HEADING IN DIRECTION OF THE TREE OF LIFE HIS WHOLE CAREER. THIS NOT TO IMPLY IT HIS MASTERPIECE, JUST THAT WITH EACH SUCCESSIVE FILM, NARRATIVE BEEN STRIPPED AWAY IN FAVOR OF SUBLIMATING ALL THE THEMES HULK MENTION ABOVE INTO ONE SINGULAR-FLOWING-CINEMATIC-EXPERIENCE. WHAT BETTER WAY CONVEY WHAT AMOUNT TO A LONG POEM WITH IMAGES THAT CONCERN A LIFE REMEMBERED AND THE DAWN AND DUSK OF THE UNIVERSE.
HULK KNOW. THERE EITHER PART OF YOU THAT INTERESTED IN THIS BIG HEADY STUFF OR THERE CYNIC IN YOU THAT SORT OF ROLL EYES. NEITHER PART OF YOU RIGHT MIND YOU. AND HULK NOT REALLY GOING GET INTO MEDITATION ON THE UNIVERSE (THE FILM DO IT MUCH BETTER), BUT THE FILM OFFER NOT EXACTLY A COSMIC EXPERIENCE, BUT WHAT HULK CALL A COSMIC WINDOW INTO THAT SORT OF THING. IT UP TO YOU WHAT KIND OF EXPERIENCE YOU WANT MAKE IT.
WHAT WAS HULK’S EXPERIENCE?
HMMMM. HARD SAY. HULK JUST LITTLE BIT REMOVED FROM THE FILM IN WAY HULK USUALLY NOT WITH MALICK. JUST LITTLE BIT THOUGH. HULK GO FULL-TILT DURING THE ENTIRE MIDDLE SEQUENCE FROM THE BIG BANG SPACE STUFF REALLY UNTIL THE FAMILY MOVE (THAT’S MOST THE MOVIE HULK REALIZE), BUT WITHOUT BETTER CONVEYANCE OF THE BOOKENDS (THE DEATH NEWS REACHING THE PARENTS + SEAN PENN REFLECTING AND THEN LATER THE BEACH “LETTING GO” BEACH SEQUENCE), THE FILM UNFORTUNATELY LEAVE HULK WITH KIND OF DISTANCE AND WISHY-WASHY NATURE THAT HULK THINK NOT WORK AS INTENDED. CAUSE LET FACE IT, MALICK’S FILMS ETHEREAL, BUT CERTAINLY NOT AMBIGUOUS. HULK UNDERSTAND THE REASON FOR THIS CHOICE OF COURSE, MAINLY TO PROMPT THE OLDER SEAN PENN CHARACTER TO REMEMBER HIS YOUNG LIFE, BUT HULK NOT REALLY SURE.
ALL THIS BEING SAID, IT REALLY, REALLY, REALLY STUPID TALK ABOUT MALICK FILM IN THESE TERMS. THEY GIFTS AFTER ALL. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY THEY NO REALLY WORK LIKE CONVENTIONAL FILMS. THERE MILLIONS OF TIMES THEY GO AGAINST LOGIC TO PRESENT SOMETHING FAR MORE TRANSCENDENT. AND SOMETIMES THEY JUST SCRATCH AT SURFACE OF TRANSCENDENCE, BUT THAT WHAT MAKE THEM MALICK FILMS. THEY’RE DIFFERENT.
HULK ALWAYS FIND IT INTERESTING HOW EVERYONE HAVE DIFFERENT ONE OF HIS FILMS THEY LIKE BEST, OR THINK “WORKS BEST.” EVEN HULK. THEY ALL GORGEOUS, THAT UNDENIABLE. BUT THE MORE NARRATIVE-DRIVEN WATCHERS LOVE BADLANDS WITH THE LITERAL TAKE OF TWO KILLERS ON THE RUN PLAYING SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON. AND CERTAIN FOLKS PICK THE WONDROUS DAYS OF HEAVEN, AN ENTIRE MOVIE FILMED AT MAGIC HOUR (THE HOUR JUST AFTER THE SUN GOES DOWN OR JUST BEFORE THE SUN COMES UP). STILL, OTHERS OPT FOR THE THIN RED LINE, WITH THE IDEALIC ABILITY TO BRING MALICK’S POETRY TO WAR TIME (A PERFECT SETTING FOR HIS WORK). HULK ODDLY ENOUGH FELT LIKE THE NEW WORLD THE FILM WHERE HE FIND PERFECT BALANCE BETWEEN ARCHETYPAL CLASSIC STORY AND THE TELLING OF THAT RELATE-ABLE STORY MOSTLY THROUGH STREAMING IMAGERY.
AND NOW MAYBE THE TREE OF LIFE GO TOO FAR? NOT REALLY. IT NOT THE STYLE. HONESTLY PEOPLE ACT LIKE THE FILM SOME NEW THING, BUT THE NEW WORLD JUST AS CINEMATICALLY DRIVEN. SO WHAT THEN? HULK GONNA ADDRESS A LITTLE NAGGING PROBLEM: THE TREE OF LIFE THIS BIG BEAUTIFUL FILM ABOUT THE NATURE OF LIFE AND YET IT PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY WHAT HULK EXPECTED… THAT NOT THE WEIRDEST THING EVER? HULK DEFINITELY MOVED IN EMOTIONAL SENSE WHILE WATCHING, BUT NOT MOVED IN LARGER CONSCIOUSNESS SENSE… HONESTLY HULK FEEL LIKE THERE BEEN SOME DR. WHO EPISODES THAT GOT INTO COSMIC POETRY WITH MORE ACUTENESS AND IMPACT…. PERHAPS IT HAVE SOMETHING DO WITH HULK’S DIFFERING TAKE ON SPIRITUALITY? BUT HULK NO THINK SO… JUST A COMPLETELY UNFORMED THOUGHT HULK THOUGHT WOULD THROW OUT THERE AND SEE WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT… FEEL FREE COMMENT BELOW. ANYCRAP.
THE TRUTH THAT THERE NO REAL VERSION OF THE “PERFECT” MALICK FILM. THERE JUST WHAT WE LIKE. WHAT WE VALUE IN FILMS. IT THERE FOR US TO REFLECT IN. TO VIEW THROUGH. THAT WHY HULK CALL IT A WINDOW AND NOT AN EXPERIENCE.
AND MALICK? HE ON HIS OWN JOURNEY. WE JUST LUCKY WE GET PEEK INTO IT.
HONESTLY, HULK REALLY NOT SURE WHY THE BEAN COUNTERS KEEP LETTING THESE MOVIES SLIP PAST. SERIOUSLY, THEY NO GREENLIGHT ANYTHING UNLESS THERE CHANCE OF IT MAKING MONEY AND HULK CAN ASSURE YOU THERE PRETTY MUCH NO SHOT FOR HIS FILMS MAKE MONEY. NOT THIS DAY IN AGE. HULK DUNNO IF THERE ENOUGH PEOPLE TO SCROUNGE UP THE 30 MILLION BUCKS THAT THESE THINGS COST. PERHAPS IT THE LAST NOBLE ACTS OF STUDIO HEADS TRYING TO RECOGNIZE THE WAY THINGS ONCE WERE.
BUT THIS GET BACK TO HULK’S INTRO. SEE, HULK SAT IN A SOLD OUT SHOW FOR FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE TREE OF LIFE. YUP. PEOPLE WERE DOWNRIGHT EXCITED TO SEE THE CINEMATIC POEM. MAYBE THE KICKASS TRAILER GOT THEM, MAYBE THEY FILM STUDENTS, WHO KNOW. BUT THEY CAME. THEY SAT. THEY WATCHED THE SCREEN. AND MALICK’S FILM HAVE MOMENTS OF SILENCE. NOT FAKE AMBIENT SILENCE. BUT REAL, TOTAL, COMPLETE SILENCE…. AND THERE THE AUDIENCE SAT, COMPLETELY QUIET. NO ONE DARE MAKE A SOUND. IMAGES OF THE COSMOS DANCED ON SCREEN.
THEY ALL EXPERIENCED SOMETHING REMARKABLE THERE IN THE SILENT DARK.
IT WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE IF THEY NOT ALL TOGETHER.
IN A MOVIE THEATER.
… WHICH BRING HULK TO KUNG FU PANDA 2.
AFTER THE HEADY CINNEMATIC PONDERINGS OF MALICK, THE NEXT NIGHT HULK IN MOOD FOR GOOD OLD FASHIONED POPCORN MOVIE. NOW IF THIS MAKE IT SOUND LIKE HULK SOME SORT OF CRETIN THEN HULK SCOFF! THAT NOT TRUE IN SLIGHTEST. THIS NOT INANE ARGUMENT OF WANTING “TURN BRAIN OFF.” HULK JUST WANTED SOMETHING ON OTHER END OF CINEMATIC SPECTRUM. THE WELL-CRAFTED FORGOTTEN STYLINGS OF HOLLYWOOD. THAT KNOW HOW TO TELL STORY TO TRUE-WIDE RANGING AUDIENCE AND ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT DO WITH THE GIFT OF A BIG BUDGET.
AND LUCKILY, HULK MOSTLY GOT IT.
IN HONOR OF DREAMWORKS INITIAL RUN AS NOTHING MORE THAN SCARTTERBRAINED NONSENSE FED SPOONFUL-STYLEM HULK PRESENT HULK’S BULLET-POINT THOUGHTS ON KUNG FU PANDA 2:
-HULK HOPE THIS PERIOD OF DREAMWORKS NONSENSE OVER. THE FIRST KUNG FU PANDA = MAJOR STEP FOR THEM IN THAT THEY ACTUALLY SEEM GIVE FUCK ABOUT STORYTELLING. BETTER YET, THEY MADE A REAL, TRUE KUNG FU FILM. AND HULK HAVE ADMIT THAT HULK ONCE HAVE HUGE KUNG FU MOVIE PERIOD SO LET JUST SAY THERE MORE THAN SOFT SPOT. NOW IT NOT SO OVERPOWERING THAT HULK FALL HEAD-OVER-HEALS IN LOVE WITH MOVIE OR ANYTHING, JUST THAT HULK ENJOY IT GREAT DEAL AND IT VERY WELL-MADE.
-AND THEN WITH HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON DREAMWORKS TAKE EVEN BETTER STEP, SOMETHING THAT COULD NO JUST BE PAWNED OFF ON GENRE-FILM LUCK, AND PRODUCED ACTUAL WELL-REALIZED MOVIE GOODNESS. AND WHILE KUNG FU PANDA 2 NO DRAMATIC STEP FORWARD ON PAR WITH DRAGON, IT AT LEAST SENSIBLE ENOUGH TO CONTINUE TRADITION OF FIRST FILM AND EMBRACE THE BARE AMOUNT OF NEW QUALITIES THAT NOT MAKE IT RETREAD BUT PERHAPS ACTUAL STEP IN LONGER JOURNEY. HOORAY!
-SURE, THE PLOT OF THIS FILM PAINT BY NUMBERS. YOU SEEN IT MILLION TIMES BEFORE. BUT IT STILL PAINTED WELL. AND THAT TOTALLY OKAY. PO’S QUEST FOR ORIGIN AND THE NEW VILLAIN’S MOTIVE (COMPLETE WITH HISTORY TYING RIGHT INTO PO’S ORIGIN) = THE EXACT DIRECTION TO TAKE SERIES. IT THE BIGGEST HURDLE AND THEY MADE IT. HOORAY!
-SO THE FIRST PROBLEM WITH KUNG FU PANDA 2 THAT MUCH OF WHAT MAKE THE FIRST MOVIE GOOD COME FROM ALL THE INSANE EFFORT TO MAKE IT LEGITIMATELY GOOD KUNG FU FILM. IT TRY PROVE IT IN EVERY FRAME, NUANCE, AND DETAIL. CONCEPTUALLY, THIS SEQUEL SEEM WORK ON THE GIVEN THAT “KUNG FU IS AWESOME!” WHICH A) TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE CAUSE THIS SEQUEL AND ALREADY ESTABLISHED BUT B) STILL HOLDS FILM BACK FROM TRUE POTENTIAL. THE AWESOMENESS OF KUNG FU NO JUST BE ASSUMED! CAUSE ULTIMATELY THERE REALLY NOTHING QUITE LIKE THE FIGHT SEQUENCES FROM FIRST FILM, SPECIFICALLY THE AMAZING WOODEN-ROPE-BRIDGE SEQUENCE. COME TO THINK ABOUT IT, MOST OF BEST SEQUENCES IN KFP2 PLAYED FOR LAUGHS (IE, THE CART IN THE CITY). THE NEW TONE PERHAPS TAKE AWAY THE STAKES… HMMMM….
-BUT NOW THE MAIN PROBLEM OF KFP2, THERE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS WITH ACTUAL MOTIVATIONS IN THIS MOVIE. HULK FEEL DUMB GETTING INTO STORYTELLING 101, BUT IT IMPORTANT AND SOMETIMES FUN TO GET INTO THIS STUFF SO WHY NOT?
1) SO, PRETTY MUCH EVERY CHARACTER IN ANY MOVIE WHO ACTUALLY TALK SHOULD HAVE SOME KIND MOTIVATION. IT CAN BE REAL SIMPLE, BUT IT HAVE BE CLEAR. OTHERWISE, THEIR WORDS THEY SAY JUST PERFUNCTORY. IT CREATE NOT JUST A CHARACTER’S STORY, BUT A WORLD OF STORIES THAT MAKE THE MAIN CHARACTERS FEEL ALL MORE REAL. LIKE THIS NOT JUST SERIES OF COGS FORWARDING PLOT (COUGH STAR WARS PREQUELS COUGH). MOVING ON:
2) SO WHEN LOOK AT ORIGINAL KUNG FU PANDA FILM THERE LOT OF DIFFERENT CHARACTERS WITH MOTIVATIONS. THERE PO WHO DREAM OF KUNG FU MASTERY AND HAVE SERIOUS BODILY LIMITATIONS. THERE PO’S ADOPTIVE FATHER WHO WANT HIM BE SAFE AND EMBRACE FAMILY BUSINESS. MASTER OOGWAY WHO SEE THE LIGHT IN PO AND KNOW HE DRAGON WARRIOR DESPITE EVERYONE’S DOUBTS AND HIS OWN OLD AGE. TIGRESS, THE PERFECT STUDENT WHO NOW FURIOUS SHE NOT DRAGON WARRIOR AND THEREFOR RESENT PO. TAI LUNG, A VILLAIN WHO WANT SAME POWER OF DRAGON WARRIOR AND ONCE TRAINED IN TIGRESS’S PLACE. AND AT CENTER OF ALL, MASTER SHIFU , WHO NOW DOUBT HIS MASTER OOGWAY, HAVE NO INTEREST IN TRAINING PO, HAS FAILED HIS FIRST APPRENTICE TAI LUNG AND FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR TURNING HIM EVIL, AND AS RESULT PUSH TOO HARD ON TIGRESS AND WITHOLD EMOTION FROM HER. BEST YET, THE JOURNEYS OF ALL THESE CHARACTERS MESH TOGETHER INTO SINGULAR PLOT.
3) HULK FEEL SORT OF WEIRD POINTING TO ORIGINAL KUNG FU PANDA AS “GREAT WRITING” BUT IT SURE AIN’T BAD. THIS THE KIND OF STUFF HOLLYWOOD SUPPOSED TO DO IN SLEEP. RECOGNIZABLE WELL-CRAFTED STORIES WITH CHARACTERS INVESTED IN THEIR ACTIONS.
4) KUNG FU PANDA 2 MEANWHILE JUST WORK CENTRALLY WITH PO’S IDENTITY CRISIS AND THE NEWLY INTRODUCED MAIN VILLAIN WHO ESSENTIALLY CHALLENGING FATE AND BATTLING PRIDE. THESE THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT CHOICES FOR THE STORY, BUT THE PROBLEM WHAT AROUND THEM. ASIDE FROM MORE EMOTIONAL BEATS WITH PO’S ADOPTIVE FATHER, WHICH REALLY WELL-DONE BUT ADMITTEDLY JUST A RECYCLING FROM FIRST MOVIE, THERE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE HAPPENING IN TERMS CHARACTER WITH ANYONE ELSE. SURE THERE LOTS PEOPLE DOING STUFF. BUT THE ONES HULK JUST MENTIONED REALLY THE ONLY PEOPLE DOING STUFF FOR TANGIBLE REASONS. AND WORSE, THE TANGIBLE REASONS LOT MORE ONE NOTE THEN THE ORIGINAL FILM SO THEY EVEN HARDER RELY ON IF ALONE.
5) AND HERE YOU AND HULK FIND OURSELVES IN YET ANOTHER FILM WITH ALL BEST INTENTIONS, GREAT FRAMEWORK FOR STORY, AND ALL TOOLS AT DISPOSAL AND THEY NOT PUT IT ALL TOGETHER… JUST CAUSE FORGOT STORYTELLING 101 AND THAT EVERY CHARACTER SHOULD HAVE MOTIVATIONS, NOT JUST THE MAIN ONE. THEY NO EVEN NEED BIG STORY. JUST MOTIVATIONS. SECONDARY CHARACTERS NOT JUST TOOLS TO ORBIT AND CONFIGURE AROUND MAIN CHARACTER TO MAKE THEM REALIZE AND DO STUFF.
6) AND HONESTLY THAT THE REASON A LOT PEOPLE FEEL KUNG-FU PANDA 2 WORSE THAN FIRST FILM. IT NOT REALLY TRUE IN TERMS OF BEING WORSE EXECUTED OR WHAT ACTUALLY THERE SUCKING. IT ABOUT WHAT MISSING. IT JUST HAVE SCRIPT THAT NOT GIVE THE OTHER CHARACTERS AS MUCH DO… THAT IT… BUT THAT MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE. END STORYTELLING 101 DISCUSSION SEQUENCE!
-HULK ALSO WANT POINT OUT THAT THESE KUNG FU PANDA MOVIES BEAUTIFULLY DESIGNED AND REALIZED. THE ALL PART OF THAT MAJOR STEP THING FOR DREAMWORKS IN THAT THEY ACTUALLY SEEM GIVE FUCK ABOUT THE ART DIRECTION NOW TOO. THE FILM MAKE REALLY NICE TRANSITION WITH THE CITY-SCAPE AND DARK REDS AND BLUES IT USE. THE MOVIE FEEL DIFFERENT AND DARKER (BUT NOT IN LABOROUS, OBVIOUS SENSE). DEFINITELY BE COMMENDED.
-MICHELLE YEOH GREAT AS THE LADY GOAT.
-THE SCENE BETWEEN PO AND HIS ADOPTIVE FATHER SURPRISINGLY AFFECTING. THIS HULK’S WAY ADMITTING HULK CRIED A BIT… AT KUNG FU PANDA 2... YES THIS HAPPENED… HULK KNOW YOU PICTURING IT RIGHT NOW. STOP IT.
-AND LASTLY, PANDAS =FUCKING ADORABLE.
AND NOW THE PART WHERE IT ALL COME BACK TOGETHER TO SHOWCASE HULK HAD PLAN FOR THESE RAMBLINGS AND NO JUST WASTING YOUR TIME… WELL NO WASTING YOUR TIME AS MUCH…
HULK LOVE SEE MOVIES WITH PEOPLE. HULK LOVED SEE THE TREE OF LIFE WITH SILENT AUDIENCE STARING IN AWE UP ON SCREEN. HULK LOVED WATCHING KUNG FU PANDA 2 WITH FULL AUDIENCE CLAPPING AND LAUGHING. EVEN THE ANNOYING LITTLE GIRL WHO WOULD NO SHUT UP IN THE OPENING SCENES BY END MOVIE WAS GASPING AND REACTING TO EVERY LITTLE THING PO DID ON SCREEN.
SEE, SHE PART OF IT TOO.
WHEN YOU EXPERIENCE SOMETHING WITH GROUP IT BECOME TRANSFORMATIVE. THIS NOT SAY CAN NO HAVE THAT EXPERIENCE ON OWN. BUT IN GROUP, IT SOMETHING ELSE. CAN FIND THE QUIET AWE OR THE HOOTING EXCITEMENT. IT CAN CHANGE THE LITTLE ANNOYING GIRL WHO TALKS.
CINEMA = TRANSFORMATIVE.
REGARDLESS OF SEEING EXISTENTIAL LIFE POEMS OR KIDDIE KARATE MOVIE, WE EXPERIENCE THESE THINGS TOGETHER, WHATEVER THEY ARE.
… SO GO TO THE MOVIES MORE.
