(NOTE: AT THIS POINT HULK HOPE IT CLEAR THAT HULK’S “REVIEWS” NOT REALLY TRADITIONAL WAY IN SENSE THAT ONE WOULD READ BEFORE TRYING DECIDE IF WANT SEE MOVIE OR NOT… THOUGH THEY COULD EASILY SERVE THAT PURPOSE. HULK JUST TAKING LOOK AT ONE CENTRAL ASPECT THAT HULK THINK MAKE THE MOVIE SUCCEED OR FAIL AND EXPLORING THAT CENTRAL CONCEPT FULLY. THIS SORT OF WHAT REGULAR REVIEWS SUPPOSED TO DO, BUT HULK GIVEN THE FREEDOM TO DO WHATEVER WANT SO HULK DOES SO.)
HULK WANT TO MAKE ONE THING CLEAR TO EVERY POTENTIAL STORYTELLER OUT THERE:
THERE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOMETHING BEING A MYSTERY AND HAVING ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE WHO ANYONE IS ON SCREEN.
GOT IT? GOOD.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND HULK NOT TALKING ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE FOLLOW A PLOT. THAT SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY… AND NOT BE A DICK OR ANYTHING, BUT HULK CAN FIGURE OUT PLOTS JUST FINE.(1)
NO, HULK TALKING ABOUT CHARACTER MOTIVATION.
WHAT THAT? IT SOMETHING VERY SIMPLE: IT A CHARACTER’S TANGIBLE GOAL/POINT OF VIEW WITHIN ANY GIVEN SCENE, AND USUALLY SPEAKS TO WHO THAT PERSON IS IN THE OVERALL CONTEXT OF FILM. THEIR MOTIVATION SOMETHING YOU INNATELY SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND, MADE CLEAR BY THE SIMPLEST OF CHARACTER INTERACTIONS. FLIRTATION (“I WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU”), FEAR (“STAY AWAY MISTER!”), ETC. IT MEANS THAT WHEN TWO CHARACTERS TALK YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT ONE PERSON WANT AND WHAT ANOTHER WANTS. THEN YOU TEND TO ROOT FOR THE ONE YOU LIKE. AND GUESS WHAT? THIS PERSON OFTEN WANT SOMETHING YOU AS THE AUDIENCE WANT TOO. AS FOR THE ONE YOU DON’T LIKE? YOU ROOT AGAINST THEM . THIS SIMPLE INTERACTION OF CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS THE ENTIRE BASIS OF CONFLICT. AND IN CASE UNAWARE, TANGIBLE CONFLICT = THE ENTIRE BASIS OF STORYTELLING.
COWBOYS AND ALIENS HAVE, LIKE, NO CLEAR CHARACTER MOTIVATION… EVER.
THE PROBLEM STARTS WITH FACT THAT THE MOVIE TAKE THEIR MAIN CHARACTER (DANIEL CRAIG) AND SMUSH TOGETHER TWO VERY BASIC ARCHETYPES: THE BAD-ASS POSTURING HERO AND THE MAN WITH NO MEMORY. IT MISCALCULATION ON THE MOST BASIC UNDERSTANDING OF CHARACTER AND STORYTELLING. THE BAD-ASS POSTURING HERO SOMEONE WHO “COOL.” TO BE SO SIMPLE AND COOL THEY MADE UP OF VERY SIMPLE MOTIVATIONS. THEY HAVE HONOR CODES AND YET TEETER ON THE EDGE OF GOOD AND BAD. AND THAT CLEARLY WHO THEY WANT THEIR MAIN DANIEL CRAIG CHARACTER TO BE. THE PROBLEM THAT HE ALSO “THE MAN WITH NO MEMORY” WHICH INNATELY A VERY DIFFERENT KIND OF PERSONALITY. THEY HAVE TO BE A DETECTIVE. A VERBALIZING CONDUIT OF EXPLANATION-AS-THEY-EXPERIENCE IT. HULK CAN THINK OF ONE OBVIOUS EXAMPLE, BUT IT AN ABSOLUTELY FIXTURE OF ANY STORYTELLING WHEN OUR MAIN CHARACTER HAVE TO UNRAVEL THE MYSTERY… BUT THE BAD-ASS HERO DOESN’T DO THAT. THEY BROOD. AND THEY WANDER.
THE NET RESULT OF THIS SMUSHING = A CHARACTER WHO WALKING AROUND WITH ABSOLUTELY NO CLEAR MOTIVATION. IT ABSOLUTELY KILLS ALL MOMENTUM AND NARRATIVE PROPULSION. MOST OF HIS INTERACTIONS INVOLVE FIGHTING PEOPLE THINGS AND HE/WE HAVE NO IDEA WHY HE DOING THAT. HE RESPONDING TO INSTINCTS OF A PERSONA WE NO TRULY UNDERSTAND UNTIL WAY, WAY, TOO LATE. AND THE WAY THESE BITS OF PERSONALITY DRIBBLED OUT COME OFF SO LIMP AND UN-REVEAL-LIKE. WHY? THE IN NAME OF… AMBIGUITY? AND ULTIMATELY, THE DETAILS FINALLY DELIVERED AS MERE LIP-SERVICE TO RENDER THEM SO TRITE AND OBVIOUS THAT THEY NOT WORTH THE MYSTERY WHATSOEVER. THE WRITERS MANAGED TO TURN THE MAN WITH NO MEMORY INTO A WASTED, AIR-LESS PURSUIT AND TURN THE BAD-ASS INTO AN EMPTY VESSEL OF POSTURE.
THIS POSING THE EXTENT OF HIS CHARACTERIZATION
HULK HOPE THAT THIS MOVIE PROVES THAT THIS SPECIFIC CHARACTER SMUSHING SHOULD NEVER, EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
BUT HEY, IT WOULDN’T BE SUCH PROBLEM IF ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS AROUND HIM WERE RIFE WITH MOTIVATION AND INPUT TO DRIVE THE NARRATIVE FORWARD, RIGHT? THEORETICALLY IT COULD BE THE BLANK NARRATOR WITH A COMMUNITY DRIVING THE STORY, RIGHT? PLEASE! RIGHT!??! I WANT TO LIKE THIS MOVIE!!!!!
TOO BAD THE OTHER MAIN LEAD AN INTENTIONALLY-ETHEREAL AND SOMEWHAT VACUOUS OLIVIA WILDE WHO SIMPLY SHOW UP AND DO MYSTERIOUS THINGS FOR THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE RUNNING TIME. FOR ALL HULK KNOW SHE COULD HAVE BEEN PRETTY GOOD IN THIS MOVIE, BUT THERE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THERE FOR HER TO DO. SHE MEANT TO BE A MYSTERY BUT THERE NOTHING THERE TO BOUNCE OFF OF! MYSTERY HAS TO HAVE A CONTEXT AND THERE IS NONE. THEREFORE THERE ZERO CHARACTER MOTIVATION BETWEEN THEM. SERIOUSLY, WE MOSTLY JUST WATCH THESE TWO GRUMBLE BACK AND FORTH AND MAYBE RUN FROM ALIENS WITH THIS MYSTERIOUS AIR ABOUT THEM, NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING. IT COMPLETELY, TOTALLY, INESCAPABLY POINTLESS. WORSE THAN THAT, IT’S BORING.
THERE A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NOT KNOWING WHAT A CHARACTER UP TO AND NOT KNOWING WHO A CHARACTER IS.
THIS PERFECTLY CAPTURES THEIR DYNAMIC... SERIOUSLY
EVEN ON THE MOST STRUCTURAL LEVEL, THE PROBLEM WITH STAGING THIS MOVIE AS A MYSTERY THAT WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT ABOUT: IT ABOUT ALIENS VERSUS-ING PEOPLE FROM THE WILD WEST. THAT IT. THE SPECIFICS ARE ONLY INTERESTING SO FAR AS TO DRIVE THE PLOT FORWARD. AND THE SPECIFICS NOT THAT INTERESTING.
CINEMA HAVE TO HAVE PURPOSE. IT JUST DOES. IF THERE A MYSTERY, WE HAVE TO BE WITH THE CHARACTERS ON THAT TRIP INTO MYSTERY. IT MOST REQUIRE INTRIGUE AND INTRIGUE BORN NOT OUT OF “NOT KNOWING WHAT GOING ON” BUT INSTEAD THE CONFLUENCE OF CONFLICTS. AND MYSTERY DEEPENS NOT JUST BY “LASTING A REALLY LONG TIME” (FOR FUCKS SAKE THIS MOVIE TAKES FOREVER TO GET TO THE ACTUAL CONCEIT) BUT IT DEEPENS WITH REVERSALS OF CHARACTER MOTIVATION AND INTENTION! EVEN WITH BIG CHARACTER TWISTS, THE REAL TWIST NOT THAT SOMETHING/SOMEONE DIFFERENT, IT THAT THERE A TWIST IN MOTIVATION. AS FOR COWBOYS? THE CHARACTER TWIST NOT AFFECT MOTIVATION WHATSOFUCKINGEVER, JUST IDENTITY. THE WHOLE MYSTERY/TWIST/STORYTELLING SCENARIO JUST A MOST BASIC FAILURE OF WRITING ON EVERY LEVEL.
SERIOUSLY, TWO OF THE LEADS ARE MOTIVATION-ZOMBIES.
ONE GOT THE SENSE THE FILMMAKERS REALIZED THIS AND TRIED TO CREATE A HUMAN DYNAMIC THAT MAKE IT ALL WORK.
ENTER: HARRISON FORD AS COLONEL SOMETHING-OR-OTHER. HE THE GRIMY, MEAN-AS-ALL-HELL RICH LANDOWNER WITH A SHIT-FOR-BRAINS SON. HE CRASS. HE MEAN. HE ALMOST DRAWS A MAN IN HALF BUT JUST HAS HIM DRAGGED INSTEAD. HE A SON-OF-A-BITCH FOR SURE. AND AT FIRST IT GREAT. FORD CHEWING SCENERY AND HULK COULDN’T WAIT FOR HIM TO BE AN OLD BASTARD THROUGHOUT THIS THING. MAYBE HE’LL HAVE A LITTLE TURN HERE AND THERE, BUT THIS THE CHARACTER WE GIVEN AND THE AUDIENCE READY TO GO ON A RIDE WITH THIS GUY.
… THEN HE GETS THIS BIG OLE’ GOOFY CHARACTER ARC. HULK IMAGINE WE SUPPOSED TO CARE BUT UNFORTUNATELY IT ONE OF THE MOST HAPHAZARDLY WRITTEN TRANSFORMATIONS HULK CAN REMEMBER. SURE ALL THE PIECES THERE, THEY JUST REVEALED IN A COMPLETELY BAT SHIT CONTEXT AND SCENE ORDER. HE SORT OF JUST SHOWS UP AND IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON DEPENDING ON THE SCENE. EVENTUALLY ONE CAN JUST USE THE PIECES TO SORT OF MAKE SENSE WHAT HE DOING, BUT IT TAKE A LOT OF FORGIVING ON AUDIENCE’S PART. MOSTLY IT JUST STRANGE.
WHY THIS HAPHAZARDNESS IMPORTANT? BECAUSE IT GO BACK TO WHAT HULK SAID BEFORE: CHARACTER MOTIVATION. IT SHOULD BE A JOURNEY. SOMETHING THE AUDIENCE UNDERSTAND AND EVOLVES WITH. AND THAT NOT THE CASE HERE. IT SHOWCASE A COMPLETE LACK OF UNDERSTANDING. THEY HAD AN IDEA WHO THIS PERSON WAS AND WHO THEY WANTED HIM TO EVENTUALLY BE, BUT HAD NO IDEA HOW TO GET THERE. IT LIKE THROWING ALL THE INGREDIENTS IN A BOWL AND CALLING IT A CAKE (THE AUDIENCE WOULD KILL FOR HIS CHARACTER TO BE MERELY CONSIDERED HALF-BAKED). AND IT BEAR MENTIONING THAT FORD AT LEAST GIVING IT HIS ALL. HIS SNARLING BADASS THE MOST FUN HULK HAD WITH HIM SINCE 1993 (AT LEAST UNTIL THIS CLIP). AND EVEN BY THE END HIS CHEESE-BALL TAKE ON THINGS STILL PRETTY DECENT IN TERMS OF PERFORMANCE. THE WRITING JUST MAKE IT ALL A WASTE AND THAT A SHAME.
NOT THIS BIG OF A SHAME THOUGH
SO THE THREE LEADS STRIKE OUT IN TERMS OF WRITING, SO WHAT ABOUT THE REST?
OH YEAH, THERE’S A “THE REST.”
ONE COULD TELL THE AIM OF THE MOVIE TO SET UP THAT STAGECOACH-LIKE CAST OF CHARACTERS THAT WE CARE ABOUT AND MAKE UP A BIG OLE’ GANG. USUALLY THE PURPOSE OF THIS TO GIVE THE MAIN CHARACTER A CONTEXT WITHIN LARGER STORY, SHOW THE FULL RANGE OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE AND PERSPECTIVE, AND POSSIBLY PROVIDE THE AUDIENCE WITH A FEW MOMENTS TO WELL UP AND FEEL SAD WHEN ONE OR MORE OF THEM DIES. BUT THE TRUE JOY OF ANY ENSEMBLE TO SEE THEM INTERACT AS A GROUP AND THEN GIVE THEM ALL MOMENTS WITH EACH OTHER THAT DEFINE THEM IN DIFFERENT LIGHT. IT THE VERY PURPOSE OF AN ENSEMBLE.
COWBOYS, MEANWHILE, JUST DECIDES TO PAIR THEM OFF AND GIVE THEM ALL THE SAME EXACT PLOT MOTIVATIONS. THREE MAIN CHARACTERS EACH LOSE SOME SIGNIFICANT OTHER AND THEN COME ALONG ON THE HUNT TO GET THEM BACK. SURE, THEY ALL SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT PEOPLE BUT THEY ALL HAVE TO MAN UP AND FIND SOME SORT OF COURAGE IN A VERY, VERY SIMILAR WAY. IN FACT, THE MOVIE LOVE TO DOUBLE UP ON THE SAME PLOT-LINES CONSTANTLY. THERE’S THE AFOREMENTIONED CRAIG AND WILDE MYSTERY DYNAMIC. AND HARRISON NOT JUST HAVE ONE BROKEN FATHER/SON RELATIONSHIP, BUT APPARENTLY THIS COMPLETE LACK OF DEPTH DESERVING OF TWO BAD FATHER/SON RELATIONSHIPS! NATURALLY, THE MOVIE MAKES THE MISTAKE OF WAITING WAY TOO LONG TO CLARIFY THAT THIS WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENING AND HULK GUESS THE TWO ARE SUPPOSED TO COMMENT ON EACH OTHER BUT IT NOT WORK LIKE THAT WHATSOEVER. IT JUST REPETITIVE SURROGACY DUE TO THE FACT HIS SON NOT AROUND AT MOMENT. THIS KIND OF STUFF AMATEUR HOUR BY THE WAY, IN THE MOST BASIC OF SCREENWRITING CLASSES ONE LEARNS THAT WHEN YOU HAVE MULTIPLE, SIMILAR PLOT-LINES AND CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS YOU JUST ASSIMILATE THEM INTO ONE ROUNDED CHARACTER WHO HANDLES IT. UNFORTUNATELY, THESE WRITES WERE SICK THAT DAY.
AND FOR FUCK’S SAKE THERE LIKE ONE ACTUAL GROUP SCENE WHERE THEY INTERACT IN THAT WONDERFUL ENSEMBLE-Y WAY AND IT LASTS, LIKE, FIVE SECONDS. HULK SPEAKING OF COURSE OF THE SUPER BRIEF CAMPFIRE SCENE, AND GOLLY GEE, IT HAPPENS TO BE THE VERY SCENE WHERE EVERYONE CLEARLY EXPRESSING THEIR CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS FOR ONCE! AS RESULT? BASIC CHARACTER CONFLICT! HURRAY! THEY INTERACT. THEY BOUNCE OF EACH OTHER.THE CAN FINALLY CRACK JOKES. AND IT NOT THAT THE PLOT MAKING SENSE IT THAT THE CHARACTERS FINALLY MAKING SENSE.
UGH. IT JUST MAKE HULK SMASHY. THIS STUFF NOT THAT HARD. IT REALLY NOT. IT STUFF THAT JUST GETS PASSED ALONG THE CRAZY CONFUSION OF GREEN-LIGHTING A MOVIE WITHOUT A SCRIPT.
THE RESULT JUST AN ABSOLUTE DEBACLE OF A SCREENPLAY.
EVEN THIS PART SUCKS
… SO WHO ACTUALLY RESPONSIBLE? THAT WHAT MATTERS, RIGHT? ACCREDITED BLAME?
FIRST OFF, THIS MOVIE HAD LIKE 19 WRITERS (OKAY 5 CREDITED PLUS ONE EXTRA FOR STORY) BUT THAT MEAN ONE OF TWO THINGS. EITHER SOMEONE FUCKED UP WHAT ALREADY THERE OR NO ONE COULD EVER FIGURE IT OUT… HULK LEANING TO THE LATTER. ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT THE PRIMARY FAILURE AT THE MOMENTUM-KILLING SMUSHING OF CRAIG’S TWO ARCHETYPES.
THE BIGGEST “NAME” WRITER ATTACHED TO THIS MOVIE = DAMON LINDELOF. HULK LOVED LOST AS MUCH NEXT HULK (ALBEIT SOME PROBLEMS WITH THE FINALE). BUT USUALLY HE MUCH MORE CAPABLE THAN THIS. HE NOT HAPHAZARD. HIS CHARACTERIZATION SO DAMN FUCKING STRONG. SURE, HE INDULGE IN “MYSTERY” FAR TOO MUCH FOR OWN GOOD AND PERHAPS THAT WHY THIS SCRIPT HEADED THAT WAY, BUT IT ALWAYS GROUNDED. BUT WHO KNOWS. MAYBE HE THE CULPRIT WHO TRIED TO IMBUE THESE MAIN CHARACTERS IN THE UNKNOWN WHEN THAT PRECISELY WHAT ROB THE MOVIE OF MOMENTUM INSTEAD OF ADDING INTRIGUE. HULK NOT KNOW.
THEN THERE THE WRITING TEAM OF MARK FERGUS AND HAWK OSTBY, WHO RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AWESOMELY-WRITTEN IRON MAN (JUST THE FIRST ONE), A GREAT LITTLE FIRST MOVIE CALLED FIRST SNOW, AND THEN A MOTHER-FUCKING STRAIGHT UP MASTERPIECE IN CHILDREN OF MEN. WHERE ARE THEY IN THIS MOVIE? HULK HAVE NO IDEA. THE WHOLE THING COULD HAVE BEEN THEIR FAULT, IT JUST THAT HULK CAN NO IMAGINE ALL THE PROBLEMS IN THIS THEIR FAULT. THEIR TRACK-RECORD TOO GOOD. THIS EDUCATED-BIAS? SURE. BUT THAT THE INFORMATION AT HAND.
WHICH LEAVES ROBERT ORCI AND ALEX KURTZMAN.
HULK THINK THEY SHOULD JUST GO AWAY… NOW.
HOW THESE TWO SOME OF THE MOST SOUGHT AFTER BLOCKBUSTER WRITERS AROUND? THEY NOT WRITTEN ONE GOOD SCREENPLAY THAT SHOW ANY SORT OF COMPETENT WRITING. AT ALL.
THEY JUST SEEM HAVE TWO GREAT CENTRAL RELATIONSHIPS (JJ ABRAMS AND MICHAEL BAY) AND INCREDIBLE PENCHANT FOR FINDING PEOPLE TO CINEMATICALLY-POLISH THEIR TURD-LADEN SCRIPTS. IN ORDER: STAR TREK (GREAT DIRECTION) AND MISSION IMPOSSIBLE III (SOLID DIRECTION) THE FIRST TRANSFORMERS (MEH). BUT EVERYTHING ELSE A FESTERING SHIT-PILE OF METRICALLY-QUANTIFIABLE ASS-RAPE: TRANSFORMERS 2 REVENGE OF THE FALLEN, THE ISLAND, THE LEGEND OF ZORRO (THE TERRIBLE 2005 SEQUEL) AND A LOT OF REALLY BAD TV RANGING FROM HAWAII 5-0 TO HERCULES: THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS. (2)
WELL HOW ABOUT THAT? WHAT THE CENTRAL THROUGH-LINE OF PRETTY MUCH ALL THESE MOVIES?
TERRIBLE PLOTTING AROUND THE AIR OF “MYSTERY” AND LACK OF TANGIBLE CHARACTER MOTIVATION CAUSING IT.
DING. DING. DING WE HAVE OUR WINNERS IN THE WHO-RUINED-COWBOYS-AND-ALIENS-SWEEPSTAKES!
OKAY, AGAIN, THIS TOTALLY UNFAIR. HULK NOT KNOW THE REAL STORY. NONE OF US WILL WITHOUT INSIDE INFO AND ALL THIS JUST HULK GOING OFF EDUCATED BIAS. NOTHING MORE. THE FINISHED SCRIPT COULD HAVE EASILY JUST THE RESULT OF GOOD INTENTIONS BUT TOO MANY COOKS IN THE KITCHEN. BUT THE AUDIENCE STILL PAY THE PRICE ON END RESULT: IT A BADLY WRITTEN MOVIE NO MATTER WHAT FUCKED IT UP.
WHICH MAKE IT UNFORTUNATE THAT MOST OF THE REPERCUSSIONS GOING TO GO TO JON FAVREAU ON THIS. HULK PRETTY SURE THIS MOVIE WILL NO BE HIT. HULK LIKE JON FAVREAU AS DIRECTOR A LOT. HE NOT EXACTLY TONE DEAF WITH COWBOYS, BUT HE TRYING TO WRANGLE ATMOSPHERE OUT OF A SCRIPT THAT HAVE NO PURPOSE. SOMETIMES HE AIR ON THE SIDE OF WESTERN VISTAS, OR TOUGH GUY ACTION, OR BROAD COMEDY, OR WTF IS HAPPENING-LEVEL-MYSTERY. BUT ULTIMATELY NONE OF THOSE THINGS HIS STRONG SUIT. HIS STRONG SUIT = CHARACTERIZATION. LOOK AT THE CAREER: THE IRON MAN MOVIES, ELF, SWINGERS, ZATHURA(3) THE STRONGEST PART OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE MOVES THE CHARACTERIZATION. SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE GIVEN A SCRIPT WITH ABSOLUTELY NO CLEAR CHARACTER MOTIVATION? IT PROVES THAT ANYONE TALENTED CAN HAVE THE RUG TAKEN OUT FROM THEM.
IT JUST MAKE HULK SAD…
OH AND BY THE WAY. IT 2011. AS MUCH AS WE NEED MOVIES ABOUT THE COMPLEXITY OR RACE RELATIONS IN THE MODERN WORLD, IT NO LONGER 1996. WE CAN DO AWAY WITH THE OBLIGATORY “RACISM IS BAD” PLOT-LINES. OKAY? GOOD.
(1) HULK THINK HULK HAVE PRIMER FIGURED OUT… MOSTLY.
(2) HULK SORRY IF YOU OFFENDED BY ASS-RAPE TERM. HULK TALKING MORE ABOUT THE CONCEPT OF VIOLATION HERE. BESIDES, IT A JOKE. BUT SERIOUSLY, THEIR MOVIES HAVE TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE SCRIPTS.
(3) ZATHURA GETS REMEMBERED AS THE THROWAWAY JUMANJI SEQUEL THAT STARRED DAX SHEPARD BUT IT REALLY WELL MADE FAMILY FILM… SERIOUSLY.
HULK GOING ASK A FAVOR. HULK KNOW IT AN IMPOSITION, AND MAYBE EVEN PRESUMPTUOUS, BUT HULK NOT ASK FOR MUCH. TO BE HONEST, THE MERE FACT THAT SO MANY PEOPLE READ HULK’S BLOG MAKE HULK FEEL ALL WARM INSIDE, SO YOU CERTAINLY DO NOT OWE HULK ANYTHING BY ANY MEANS… BUT HULK GUESS THAT WHY IT A FAVOR.
HULK GOING ASK THAT, IF AVAILABLE IN YOUR CITY, YOU GO SEE ATTACK THE BLOCK THIS WEEKEND.
CALLING A FILM A MASTERPIECE DEFINITELY SETTING UP SOME UNFAIR EXPECTATIONS AND HULK WOULD TOTALLY UNDERSTAND IF YOU NO THINK IT A MASTERPIECE. WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT THINGS WE VALUE + RESPOND TO WITH MOVIES AND HULK HAPPEN TO VALUE TRANSCENDENT GENRE FARE. SOME DON’T. THAT FINE.
BUT YOU WILL STILL LIKE THE MOVIE. THAT FOR SURE.
IT WILL NOT BE LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE YOU’VE SEEN.
IT WILL BE DIFFERENT.
AND IT WILL BE GOOD.
AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU WILL SEE THE SAME THINGS IN THE MOVIE THAT HULK DID. A WONDERFUL FILM THAT SEAMLESSLY BLEND GREAT STORYTELLING, OUTRIGHT HILARITY, SOCIAL COMMENTARY, AND HORROR. EVEN THE SCORE AMAZING. THE FILM FIRE ON ALL CYLINDERS. AND MAYBE YOU’LL AGREE.
HULK KNOW COWBOYS AND ALIENS OUT THIS WEEK AS WELL AND HULK KNOW THAT “THE BIG HOLLYWOOD MOVIE WE ALL SUPPOSED TO SEE!” LOOK, HULK LOVE IRON MAN JUST AS MUCH ANYONE. HULK WANT SEE INVESTED HARRISON FORD TOO.
BUT HULK ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE THAT MOVIE WILL NO BE AS GOOD.
AND IF IT SUPER-IMPORTANT TO YOU TO SEE COWBOYS, THEN HULK URGE YOU TO SEE BOTH FILMS. HULK KNOW MOVIES COST A LOT OF MONEY. HULK KNOW IT BIG TIME COMMITTMENT. HULK TRULY KNOW. BUT HULK GOING TO DO IT AND HULK ALREADY SEEN ATTACK THE BLOCK. BUT HOW OFTEN GET CHANCE HAVE TRULY GOOD “MOVIE WEEKEND”? BESIDES IT, FOR LACK OF BETTER WORD, “IMPORTANT” TO SEEK OUT THE MOVIES THAT HARDER TO FIND. RIGHT? IF WE SUPPOSEDLY CARE ABOUT GETTING GOOD MOVIES IN OUR LIVES, IT VERY IMPORTANT.
SO HULK KNOW IT ASKING LOT.
HULK ASSURE YOU HAVE NO INTEREST IN THIS MOVIE BEYOND THE FACT HULK THINK IT GREAT AND WANT SHARE IT.
TIME FOR THE FIRST ROUND OF HULK MAILBAG QUESTIONS. THIS LOT OF FUN! A COUPLE OF THEM TAKEN FROM HULK’S “ABOUT” PAGE THAT PEOPLE BEEN LEAVING QUESTIONS ON. HULK FEEL THIS BETTER FORMAT. HULK STILL HAVE MORE QUESTIONS TO ANSWER SO FEEL FREE ASK MORE IN COMMENTS BELOW. THEY BE ANSWERED IN NEXT ROUND.
QUESTION #1:
It’s 1,000,000 years in the future and some alien race has made it to earth. All trace of humanity has been erased from the planet earth except for, miraculously, one piece of pop culture and the means for which to view/read/listen to it.
If you had a say in what it is, what would it be? I don’t care how you go with this, it could be something that you feel does a great job at conveying the human condition, it could be something completely mystifying that only serves to confuse or misinform the aliens. It’s up to you.
So, FilmCriticHulk, what say you?
-Ben W.
GREAT QUESTION. IT VASTLY SUPERIOR TO THE FAMILIAR ONE WITH THE “DESERT ISLAND” PARAMETERS. ANYCRAP, HULK BELIEVE THE ANSWER = THE WIRE.
WHILE CAPTURING PERFECT TRUTH OF “REALITY” AN IMPOSSIBILITY FOR FILM/TV, THERE SOME THINGS THAT COME CLOSE… OR AT LEAST STRIVE TO COME CLOSE. THE BEST PART ABOUT YOUR QUESTION THAT IT IMPLY GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. AFTER ALL, HULK FEEL OUR LEGACY ACTUALLY MATTERS. SO HULK WOULD WANT TO CONVEY TO ALIENS SOMETHING THAT BOTH “TRUE” IN A REALISM SENSE, BUT ALSO “TRUE” IN WHAT COULD TEACH THEM THE MOST ABOUT HOW WE LIVED AND ULTIMATELY HOW WE CREATED A SYSTEM DOOMED TO FAIL. AND NOTHING HIGHLIGHT OUR CULTURAL FAILURES LIKE THE WIRE. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, THE GREAT THING THAT IT WOULD ALSO SHOW OUR CAPACITY FOR INNATE GOODNESS. AND THAT WE WERE FUNNY. AND KIND. AND SOMETIMES IRREVERENT. IT WOULD SHOW THAT WE DRANK TOO MUCH. AND MOST OF ALL. THAT WE HAD A PSUEDO-VOLTAIRIAN UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORLD IN WHICH WE TRIED TO CONTROL THE IMMEDIATE THINGS AROUND US, AND SIMPLY DID NOT REALIZE HOW MUCH WE LIVED IN A SYSTEMIC WORLD OF FORCES MUCH BIGGER THAN OUR OWN NATURE. WE BUILT A SOCIETY UPON INSTITUTIONS AND THEN LET THEM GO ASTRAY, EITHER OUT OF PERSONAL GREED OR TURNING OUR BACKS ON OUR COMMUNITY IDEALS. AND WHEN IT MATTERED MOST, WE BARELY LISTENED.
THE WIRE WOULD LET THEM KNOW THAT WE WERE, OFTEN AT THE SAME TIME, OUR BEST AND OUR WORST SELVES.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #2:
Broad question, but what’s the best book regarding film (whether it be filmmaking, film theory, film criticism, etc) you’ve ever read?
Always enjoy reading your stuff. Thanks for doing what you do!
-Mark P.
ANOTHER GREAT QUESTION. HERE A BUNCH BY GENRE: 1) FILM HISTORY – “EASY RIDERS, RAGING BULLS” GREAT NO-BULLSHIT OVERVIEW OF AMERICA’S FILMMAKING APEX IN THE 70’S. REALLY ENJOYABLE READ. AND THE GOSSIPY SHIT TEND TO BE WORTH IT. 2) BEST ESSAY – DAVID FOSTER WALLACE’S ESSAY ON DAVID LYNCH AND THE MAKING OF “LOST HIGHWAY” IN HIS BOOK “A SUPPOSEDLY FUN THING I’LL NEVER DO AGAIN.” IF YOU’VE NEVER READ WALLACE. START WITH THAT BOOK AND THEN “CONSIDER THE LOBSTER” THEN MOVE TO HIS FICTION. HULK WILLING BET MOST PEOPLE HERE READ HIS STUFF, BUT YOU BE SURPRISED HOW MANY UNFAMILIAR, SO IT ALWAYS WORTH MENTIONING. 3) BEST SUPER COMPLICATED FILM THEORY BOOK: ANDREI TARKOVSKY’S “SCULPTING IN TIME” HULK ARGUE THIS THE PINNACLE OF ALL HIS WORK AND HULK A HUGE TARKOVSKY FAN (LESS SOLARIS, MORE THE MIRROR, THE SACRIFICE, ET ALL). 4) BEST BOOK ON INDIVIDUAL FILMMAKER: “KIESLOWSKI ON KIESLOWSKI” HULK ARGUE HE DEFINITELY ONE OF BEST FILMMAKERS OF ALL TIME. GREAT BOOK. AND LASTLY 5) BEST SCREENPLAYS: NO BUY BOOKS ABOUT SCREENWRITING. THEY MOSTLY GARBAGE. FIRST GET RID OF BAD HABITS. FOR HOW TO RESOURCES BUY ACTUAL SCREENPLAYS CAUSE THEY WAY MORE INFORMATIVE (NOT NECESSARILY ORIGINAL DRAFTS, MOST GOOD SCREENPLAYS HAVE BOOK VERSIONS). FOR THE MOST INFORMATIVE ONES, HULK SUGGEST THE WORKS OF PRESTON STURGES (SPECIFICALLY SULLIVAN’S TRAVELS), PADDY CHEYAFSKY (NETWORK, THE HOSPITAL, ALTERED STATES… EVEN MARTY), AND FOR MODERN GUY PAUL ATTANASIO (QUIZ SHOW) EASILY ONE OF THE BEST IN TERMS OF SHOWING HOW USE ECONOMY/ACTION LINES.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #3:
Will hulk be doing a review of the Fooly Cooly (FLCL) I would love to read your take on the TV show? as I can not figure out what makes the show work so well.
-Tommy A.
HULK PROBABLY NOT BEST PERSON ASK ABOUT ANIME. HULK JUST NOT SEEN ENOUGH. AND WHAT HULK SEEN, HULK NOT CRAZY ABOUT. ANIME INTERESTING THING IN THAT HULK FEEL LIKE IT MORE NICHE THAN OTHER NICHE GENRES… OR MAYBE THAT JUST BECAUSE IT ONE OF FEW NICHE GENRES HULK NOT REALLY EXPERIENCED… STILL, HULK WAGER EVERY PERSON HAVE THAT FRIEND WHO TRIED GET THEM WATCH COWBOY BEBOP… DIDN’T REALLY TAKE.
ANYWHO, SINCE HULK NEVER SEEN IT, THE REASON THE SHOW WORK SO WELL BECAUSE IT AN ANIME AND THEREFORE IT PROBABLY HAS ROBOTS, A CORPORATION, AND CONFUSED FEELINGS ABOUT PUBERTY. THAT WHY.
… OKAY SORRY HULK JUST JOKING. TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION FOR REAL HULK WILL LOOK INTO AND TRY AND FIGURE IT OUT. HULK LOVE AN INVESTIGATION AND THIS SEEM LIKE GOOD ONE.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #4:
Sucker Punch. What did you think of it? Doesn’t have to be a full review. Gut reactions are fine.
-Michael S.
BASICALLY, IT DIDN’T WORK. ON A PURE LOGISTICAL LEVEL THE REASON IT NO WORK BECAUSE HULK SURMISE THAT ZACK SNYDER NOT FULLY HONEST WITH HIMSELF ABOUT HIS OWN INTENTIONS. FOR STARTERS, THE IDEA CAME FROM HIS BABYDOLL DRAWING THAT HE BEEN DOODLING FOR YEARS. SO SNYDER LIKE THE BABYDOLL IMAGE. HE ATTRACTED TO IT. HE THINK IT KICK ASS. THIS ALL VERY CLEAR. AND HE WANTED TO EXPLORE THAT CONCEPT USING A MOVIE. THE PROBLEM COME FROM FACT THAT ZACK SNYDER ACTUALLY PRETTY SMART. HIS WIFE ALSO PRETTY SMART. HE KNOWS THAT BABYDOLL AN INFANTILIZING IMAGE. HE KNOWS INFANTILIZATION A PROBLEM AND “NOT RIGHT.” AND SO BECAUSE HE, YOU KNOW, NOT SEXIST AND STUFF, HAD TO TRY AND APPROPRIATE IT INTO SOMETHING THAT MADE STATEMENT ABOUT THIS COMPLEX. HE BUILT ELABORATE NARRATIVE ABOUT MEN ABUSING WOMEN AND DRESSING THEM AND MAKING THEIR FIGHT THEIR OWN BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. THIS NOT TO SAY IT NOT TRUE, IT JUST THAT HULK NOT SURE WHY IT IN THIS PARTICULAR MOVIE. WHY NOT? WELL, LETS JUMP TO RELEVANT TANGENT: LOTS OF FOLKS MAKE THE COMPARISON THAT SUCKER PUNCH THEMATICALLY DUPLICITOUS. IT EXPLOITING YET HIGHLIGHTING THE EXPLOITING. TO BE HONEST HULK THINK DUPLICITY ACTUALLY FINE, IF AND ONLY IF, THE DUPLICITY AN UPFRONT AND HONEST ONE. LIKE IT THE REASON EXPLOITATION LIKE I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE WORK TONALLY. IT EXPLOITATION YET FOR ITS TIME*, IT A REAL PIECE OF FEMINISM (3RD WAVE) BECAUSE HER RAGE, HER VENGEANCE, HER REACTION = ALL HONEST. AND HONESTY MATTERS MORE THAN ANYTHING.
MEANWHILE, THE REASON SUCKER PUNCH NO SUCCEED BECAUSE ZACK SNYDER REALLY WANTED TO MAKE THE MOVIE WHERE BABY DOLL AN ACTION HERO SLAYING SAMURAI ROBOTS, AND THEN BUILT THE REST OF THE MOVIE TO TRY AND INTELLECTUALLY JUSTIFY IT.
… DIDN’T WORK.
*HULK HATE THE EXPRESSION “FOR ITS TIME” CAUSE IT A CRUTCH. PLENTY OF PEOPLE HATED I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE AND FOUND IT SEXIST AND EXPLOITATIVE, E BUT WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF POPULAR DIGESTION “AT THE TIME,” IT WORKED IN TERMS OF 3RD WAVE FEMINISM. SO OKAY.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #5
Do you wear a Stetson now? Because stetsons are cool
HULK GOT THIS QUESTION CAUSE HULK SAID ON TWITTER THAT HULK WEAR A FEZ NOW. FEZZES ARE COOL.
… OKAY HULK CURRENTLY BALLS DEEP INTO THE MOFFAT ERA… IT GLORIOUS. ALMOST ALL CAUGHT UP!
❤ HULK
QUESTION #6:
What did Hulk think of RedLetterMedia’s classic, and eviscerating, series of 90 minute reviews on the new Star Wars trilogy?
-Nerdlinger
HULK LOVED IT. SURE, THE SERIAL KILLER JOKE GETS OLD VERY, VERY, VERY QUICK (BUT HULK IMAGINE SAME TRUE OF HOW HULK WRITE). BUT HE DISPLAY TRULY EXCELLENT SENSE OF STORYTELLING 101! HULK’S FAVORITE THING! IT DO REALLY GOOD JOB EXPLAINING BASICS OF CHARACTER APPROACH, SPECIFICALLY WHEN ASK PEOPLE DESCRIBE THE CHARACTERS WITHOUT USING NAME, JOB, OR CLOTHING. THE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS ALL CLASSIC ARCHTYPES, NOTHING SPECIAL. BUT THE PREQUEL CHARACTERS NO EVEN ARCHETYPES! THEY BIG NOTHINGS. HONESTLY, STORYTELLING 101 SHOULD BE THE HEART OF POPULAR CINEMA-GOING. RIGHT? HULK ARGUE IT THE REASON EVERYONE DIGGING ON CAPTAIN AMERICA. HULK THINK THIS RE-EMPAHSIS OF CLASSIC STORYTELLING SHOULD BE “THE NEW THING.” A CINEMATIC NEO-CLASSICIST MOVEMENT IF YOU WILL.
THEN AGAIN, THERE WAY COULD ARGUE THERE A NEO-CLASSICIST MOVEMENT EVERY FEW YEARS IN HOLLYWOOD WITH MORE FOCUS ON TRADITIONAL STORYTELLING WITHIN THAT GENRE. WHETHER IT A RE-BIRTH OF THE TRADITIONAL ROM-COM (POST-FOUR WEDDINGS). THE FANTASY ADVENTURE (LOTR, HARRY POTTER). HULK EVEN ARGUE THAT WHY COMIC BOOK MOVIES ROSE TO PROMINENCE. LOOK AT THE STATE OF THE 90’S BLOCKBUSTER WHICH NOTHING MORE THAN BLOATED RECKLESSNESS. THE FIRST COMIC BOOK MOVIES CAME OUT AND THEY HAD BASIC ARCHETYPES! CHARACTERS DEVELOPING AND GOING ON JOURNEYS AND SHIT! GOOD! EVIL! ALL THAT STUFF. PEOPLE RESPONDED BECAUSE WE HAD STOPPED MAKING POPULAR NARRATIVES LIKE THAT. OF COURSE, NOW, WE COME DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO BURNING OUT ON THAT GENRE SO WHO KNOWS WHAT NEXT NEO-CLASSICIST THING BE.
QUESTION #7
I can’t really think of a more obvious question than this:
Why do non-creative, corporate types interfere with the creative vision of artistic filmmakers when history has proven that said interference usually results in compromised product that suffers both artistically and financially? For example, every comic book geek groaned the moment the Fantastic Four showed up in their iconic vehicle, not b/c of the effects work, but for the gratuitous placement of a Dodge logo on the seats. Clearly this was not an artistic decision, and while im sure it generated some ancillary revenue, what was the real price paid in terms of fan respect and word of mouth? It happens time and again but the costly lessons which I imagine are critical to their job security never seem to take root in the movie business.
Why?
Jeff S.
IN ALL HONESTY, FAN RESPECT AND WORD OF MOUTH NOT MEAN MUCH ECONOMICALLY. REALLY. THEY DON’T. THEY NICE IDEA AND CERTAINLY CAN’T HURT, BUT A WHOLE BUNCH OTHER THINGS MEAN LOT MORE. AND IT ACTUALLY NOT RELEVANT TO THEIR JOB SECURITY. HERE FIVE PART ANSWER THAT WILL SORT OF GO BEYOND YOUR QUESTION AND WORTHY OF ITS OWN COLUMN. SO HERE A BRIEF SUMMARY OVERVIEW.
1. THE REALITY – HOLLYWOOD IS A BUSINESS. THE MOVIES ARE, AT BEST, JUST PRODUCT AND AT WORST, INCIDENTAL. AS MUCH AS IT PAIN HULK SAY THAT IT INESCAPABLY TRUE. MOVIES ARE ULTIMATELY OKAYED BY BIGGEST CORPORATIONS ON PLANET. CORPORATIONS HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES TO STOCK HOLDERS. AS RESULT A SAFE BET BETTER THAT A HIGH RISK ONE. THEY WILL SUFFER CREATIVITY ONLY TO THE POINT OF EXACTING COMMERCE FROM IT.
2. THE AUDIENCE – “IT BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD OUT THERE” AN EXECUTIVE ONCE TOLD HULK. ONE COULD ARGUE WE ONLY NEED GIVE BETTER CINEMA ALTERNATIVES, BUT THAT USUALLY NOT PAN OUT IN PRACTICE AND IT SORT OF REFLEXIVE ARUGMENT ANYWAY. THE AUDIENCE SUPPOSEDLY DEMAND QUALITY (AND HULK AGREE TO THAT POINT) BUT IN CONCRETE TERMS THE TREE OF LIFE MADE 11 MILLION DOMESTIC AND 34 MILLION WORLD-WIDE (ON A BUDGET OF 34) WHILE MEET THE SPARTANS MADE 38 MILLION AND 84 WORLD WIDE (ON A BUDGET OF 20-ISH). IN CONCRETE TERMS IT NOT LOOK GOOD. ONE COULD ARGUE THAT TREE OF LIFE WILL MAKE ANCILLARY INCOME DOWN THE LINE WITH DVD SALES AND HAVE “A LEGACY” AND SPARTANS WILL BE FORGOTTEN. IN SOME WAYS GREAT MOVIES ALWAYS MAKE THEIR MONEY BACK EVENTUALLY. GREAT CULT MOVIES WILL FIND THEIR AUDIENCE SO THEY NOT TOTAL DISASTER. SOME WILL EARN STUDIOS MONEY FOR GENERATIONS. AFTER ALL, PEOPLE STILL RENTING THE PHILADELPHIA STORY. BUT ON AVERAGE, CULTURAL PENETRATION DOWN THE LINE ECONOMICALLY WORTH NOTHING COMPARED TO UPFRONT BOX-OFFICE. EVEN WITH TV ANCILLARIES, MALICK’S MOVIES AND, SAY, FOR EXAMPLE SIDEWAYS DO TERRIBLE ON TELEVISION. AND SUPER-DUMB, TERRIBLE MOVIES DO VERY, VERY WELL. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE TV AUDIENCE OFTEN DUMBER THAN THE MOVIE-GOING AUDIENCE. IT TRUE. “IT BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD OUT THERE.”
SO THE CINEMA GOING AUDIENCE THAT CARE ABOUT INTEGRITY AND RESPECT AND ALL THAT WORTH AN AMOUNT, BUT IT A SMALLER AMOUNT THAN THE CRAP.
GIVEN POINTS #1 AND #2, HERE A HYPOTHETICAL: IF ALL YOUR SAVINGS WERE TAKEN FROM YOU AND THE THIEF SAID, “YOU CAN DOUBLE YOUR MONEY IF YOU PICK THE MORE SUCCESSFUL FILM AND IF YOU DON’T GUESS RIGHT YOU YOU LOSE IT ALL. HERE YOUR OPTIONS: THE NEW UNTITLED TERRENCE MALICK MOVIE OR ADAM SANDLER’S UPCOMING ABORTION JACK AND JILL.” THE ANSWER, SADLY, OBVIOUS. WHEN YOU HAVE SUBSTANTIAL RISK IN THE MONEY IT CHANGE THINGS. AND THE PEOPLE HAVING STUDIO GIGS AT SUBSTANTIAL RISK. AND AS CINEMA LOVERS WE WANT THE BEST QUALITY PRODUCT FOR OUR TASTES, BUT THOSE MOVIE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO SAFE BETS.
3. THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE – HULK HAS GOTTEN OPPORTUNITY TO WITNESS “THE HOLLYWOOD MACHINE” UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL. NOT JUST FROM A CREATIVE PERSON’S PERSPECTIVE (FROM WHICH APPEARS TO BE THE DEVIL FOR HOST OF DISPARAGING REASONS) BUT HULK ALSO WITNESSED FROM THE MACHINE’S PERSPECTIVE AS WELL. AND… WELL… THE ANSWER SORT OF MUNDANE. HULK REFERENCED THE WIRE ABOVE AND IT RELEVANT BECAUSE IT GREAT WAY TOO LOOK AT THE LARGER HOLLYWOOD SYSTEM. MOST PEOPLE WELL-INTENTIONED BUT THEY ONLY CONTROLLING SMALL AREA OF INFLUENCE SO IT THE SYSTEM THAT CREATING MOST OF THE PROBLEMS. IN FACT, MOST OF THE INDIVIDUALS ARE ACTUALLY AMAZING/SMART PEOPLE WHO COULD EASILY BE DOING CREATIVE THINGS (AND OFTEN HAVE). THEY JUST ENDED UP ON A DIFFERENT SIDE OF FENCE. AND THEY GIVE HONEST-TO-GOD GREAT NOTES. THERE ARE, ALSO, IDIOTS (ACTUALLY MORE DOUCHEBAGS THEN IDIOTS, BUT YOU GET POINT).
HULK BELIEVE THE BIGGEST PROBLEM LIES IN NUMBERS. STUDIO RANKS SORT OF DEVELOPING INTO MASS OLIGARCHY AND IT MAKE IT MORE OF PROBLEM OF TOO MANY COOKS IN KITCHEN. DEALING WITH ONE OR TWO EXECS? EASY PEASY. MORE THAN THAT? UGH. PATTON OSWALT HAS GREAT ANECDOTE ABOUT THIS JR. EXECUTIVE NOT UNDERSTANDING A VERY SIMPLE JOKE AND SINCE ALL THE OTHER EXECUTIVES HAD TO HUMOR HIM, THEY HAD TO SIT THERE FOR A FUCKING HOUR AND SUSS IT OUT. THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT COME WITH OLIGARCHY AND BLOAT. AND WITH THE BLOAT COMES EVERY YOUNG STUDIO EXEC BASICALLY GOING AROUND TRYING TO JUSTIFY THEIR JOBS. WHICH LEAD TO NEEDLESS ADDITIONS. IT OLD ADAGE THAT THE BEST PRODUCERS/EXECS ARE THE ONES WHO HIRE THE RIGHT PEOPLE AND GET OUT THE WAY. BUT THE UPCOMING EXEC NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO DO NOTHING AND GET OUT OF THE WAY. MORE THAN THAT, IF THEY GET IN HOT WATER THEY CAN SAY THINGS LIKE “IT A POPULAR COMIC BOOK!” AND “THE PLACEMENT SAVED US SO MUCH ON THE BUDGET!” WHICH WORK CAUSE THEIR BOSSES EVEN MORE BUSINESS PEOPLE THAN THEY ARE. IT NOT THEIR FAULT. IT JUST THE SYSTEM.
BUT GIVEN POINTS #1 AND #2 EVEN THE BEST PRODUCERS TAKE HITS. UNIVERSAL RECENTLY TOOK HUGE NUMBER CHANCES ON GREAT AND/OR “DIFFERENT” FILMS LIKE: SCOTT PILGRIM, GREEN ZONE, KICK-ASS, MACGRUBER, DRAG ME TO HELL, FUNNY PEOPLE, AND DUPLICITY. IT NOT LIKE THESE MOVIES SOLD POORLY, THEY GIVE THEM BIG SELLS AND THEY JUST BIT THE DUST. HULK BELIEVE IF YOU MAKE QUALITY PRODUCT THE AUDIENCE FIND EVENTUALLY AND THAT THE CASE WITH LOTS OF THOSE MOVIES, BUT REALLY THEY MISSED THE BOAT. IT ANOTHER INESCAPABLE TRUTH: THE AUDIENCE NOT HELPING.
4. AS FOR AS FOR PRODUCT PLACEMENT – IT SUCKS. IT DOES. BUT THE STUDIO ARGUE IT NO MATTER CAUSE NOBODY NOT LIKE A MOVIE SOLELY BECAUSE OF THE PRODUCT PLACEMENT. TO DEGREE, THEY ACTUALLY RIGHT. MOST JUST NO CARE. FANTASTIC FOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM THAT IT A TERRIBLE, TONE DEAF MOVIE. MOST PEOPLE DIDN’T CARE ABOUT THE DODGE LOGO. REMEMBER, THERE ALSO GOD-AWFUL MOMENT IRONMAN WHERE RIGHT AFTER HE HAVE THAT GREAT LINE WHERE HE SAY “I WANT AN AMERICAN CHEESEBURGER” THEY SHOW HIM EATING FUCKING BURGER KING. BUT EVERYONE STILL LOVE THAT MOVIE CAUSE IT GET STORYTELLING AND DO THE IMPORTANT THINGS RIGHT.
IF WANT DIRECT ANYTHING, THEN PRODUCT PLACEMENT JUST A REALITY THESE DAYS. THE STUDIO WILL FIGHT YOU TO USE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE IT HELP REMOVE THEIR RISK AND LOWER COST. IT JUST TOO PRUDENT (REALLY, THE AMOUNT OF BUDGETS PAID OFF BY PRODUCT PLACEMENT MIND-BOGGLING. IT NOT A MIDDLING COST). AT THIS POINT IT MANDATED IN CONTRACTS. THE ONLY WAY AROUND IT TO BE A “NAME” LIKE SPIELBERG OR NOLAN WHO CAN OPEN A PICTURE WHERE YOU GUARANTEED TO MAKE IT UP. BUT EVEN THEN IT A BATTLE.
PLUS, THEY SEE THE REALITY WHERE WE DO NOT: AS SOON AS THE YOUNGER GENERATION GROWS UP (HINT: ONLY 6-8 YEARS AWAY) PRODUCT PLACEMENT WILL NOT BE STRANGE TO THEM AT ALL. THEY WILL EXPECT THINGS TO BE ADVERTISED TO THEM IN ALL MEDIA FORMS. IT UNDENIABLE. TO US THOUGH? IT ALIEN TO THE WAY WE WATCH MOVIES. IN ARTISTIC TERMS IT COMPLETE BULLSHIT FOR SURE. DAVID LYNCH USED TO USE PRODUCTS CAUSE HE LOVED USING POP CULTURE BRANDS FOR ARTISTIC MEANS (“I LIKE HEINEKEN!” OR “PABST BLUE RIBBON!”). BUT NOW HE CAN’T CAUSE PEOPLE ASSUME IT PRODUCT PLACEMENT. WHICH THE OPPOSITE OF ART.
5. THERE ANY WAY TO FIX THE SYSTEM? – NOT REALLY. ALL THIS STUFF CORPORATELY MANDATED. AND THE FUN WAYS TO HINT AND JOKE AROUND WITH PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALREADY USED UP. AND FIGHTING THE SYSTEM AT LARGE? IMPOSSIBLE. FILMMAKING COST TOO MUCH MONEY. AND THERE NO WAY TO TRULY MAKE AND MARKET INDEPENDENT MOVIES ANYMORE… SO… QUITE FRANKLY HULK NOT SURE. PERHAPS FIGHTING THE BEAN COUNTERS CREATE THE NOTION OF SUBVERSION. HULK THINK IT IMPORTANT TO ALWAYS REMEMBER THE PERIOD OF THE 60/70’S THAT SAW CREATIVE TYPES TAKE OVER THE STUDIO SYSTEM WHEN THEY WERE ON HUGE UPSWING OF POPULARITY. THEY WENT ON TO CREATE A FEW MORE GOOD MOVIES, GREEN LIT A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT (WE JUST REMEMBER THE GOOD ONES), AND THE WHOLE THING COLLAPSED VERY, VERY QUICKLY. THE CREATIVE TYPES HAD NO IDEA HOW MANAGE MONEY.
HULK NOT SURE HULK ANSWERED QUESTION RIGHT.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #8:
Hulk, I have a question that I hope you can answer for me. Why does the camera add ten pounds to the actors? I used to think it was just figure-obsessed actresses finding fault with the reality of their appearance as opposed to their mental picture of it (says the lady who hates every photo ever taken of her), but I heard someone talking about how different lenses can actually cause this. Do you know why? Or even why they continue to be used if the picture is distorted that much? And why do we never seem to notice with male actors? This is confusing me and I feel like I should know more about it.
-Bevin
AWESOME QUESTION.
HULK HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IT ABSOLUTELY TRUE: THE CAMERA DOES ADD WEIGHT (MOST OF THE TIME) DEPENDING ON THE LENS.
TO SORT OF EXPLAIN: THIS REALLY NO HAVE DO WITH CAMERA LENS BEING DIFFERENT, BUT THE LENS OF OUR EYE BEING DIFFERENT. THE EYE SEE SO MUCH OF PERIPHERY AND YET HAS AMAZING ABILITY TO FOCUS ON CENTRAL AREA IN FRONT OF IT. THAT MAKE THE EYE A COMPLETELY UNIQUE LENS. MORE THAN THAT IT, IT HAVE ABILITY TO LOOK AT REAL LIFE 3D SPACE AND APPROXIMATE SIZE CORRECTLY (OR AT LEAST WHAT WE DEEM “CORRECT”). MEANWHILE, MOVIE SCREENS NO WORK THAT WAY. FOR ONE THEY BIG RECTANGULAR 2:35 : 1. THE ONLY SCREEN THAT “OBSERVE” LIKE OUR EYEBALLS = THE OMNI THEATER IN BOSTON. HERE LINK: http://www.flickr.com/photos/25729481@N03/2784467950/ BUT KEEP IN MIND THERE SO MUCH ON THE PERIPHERY TO SEE SO IT “IMMERSIVE” JUST LIKE REAL LIFE VISION.
HERE THE PROBLEM: WE NO WANT MOVIES BE LIKE REAL LIFE VISION. ANY ATTEMPTS TO DO SO NOT WORK CORRECTLY ON SCREEN. WE MUST BE ABLE TO CONTAIN THE WHOLE FRAME IN ORDER PROCESS THE ACTION AND SPACE. WHICH MEANS THAT IN ORDER FOR THE SPACE TO LOOK “REAL” ON SCREEN, THE LENSES OF THE CAMERAS MUST SLIGHTLY AFFECT THE PERCEIVED MASS OF THE CENTER POINTS (READ: THE ACTORS OR OBJECTS) IN ORDER TO GET THE SURROUNDING SPACE TO LOOK CORRECT. OTHER WISE EVERYTHING ELSE ON SCREEN LOOK LIKE WALL EYE VISION. http://www.espn.go.com/photo/2006/0410/nhl_g_kings_275.jpg. WHICH OBVIOUSLY NOT LOOK RIGHT CAUSE OUR EYES ALREADY FOCUSING ON PERIPHERY. SO WE HAVE USE LENSES THAT CREATE MORE FOCUSED CENTRAL OBJECT.
NOW, EVEN WITH THE “SCREEN APPROPRIATE” LENSES, THERE STILL ONES THAT MORE SLIMMING THAN OTHERS. THE GREAT DIRECTOR ROBERT BRESSON TRIED TO ONLY USE THE 50MM LENS CAUSE HE THOUGHT IT CAME CLOSEST TO APPROXIMATING THE ‘CENTER” POINT OF THE HUMAN EYE, AND AS RESULT IT KIND OF SLIMMING.
BUT YES: THE CAMERA USUALLY ADDS TEN POUNDS. IF IT DID NOT, THE REST OF MOVIES WOULD NO “LOOK RIGHT.” AND YES AGAIN, IT ULTIMATELY SPURS ON COMPLEXES IN ACTRESSES EVERYWHERE. HULK MET A GOOD DEAL OF POPULAR ACTRESSES IN REAL LIFE. THE SO-CALLED-LARGER ONES LOOK PERFECTLY NORMAL IF NOT AMAZING. THE NORMAL ONES LOOK VERY SKINNY. THE SKINNY ONES = CRAZY SKINNY. AND THE SAME TRUE OF MALE ACTORS. YOU BE SURPRISED TO SEE HOW SKINNY THEY ARE IN REAL LIFE.
ANYWHO THERE MORE OPTICAL DETAILS THAT GO INTO IT, BUT THIS ANSWER WORK?
This answer works, thank you very much… Does this apply to still-shot cameras as well, or is it only motion picture ones? It seems like it must, given what you said here, but I’m curious.
-Bevin
IT DEPEND, MOST HIGH LEVEL STILL-SHOT CAMERAS USE A ZOOM LENS THAT RANGE FROM ABOUT 28MM-135MM. LOWER QUALITY CAN HOVER BETWEEN 30-55MM. MEANING THAT IT CAN RUN THE GAMUT BUT DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH ONE “ZOOMING” IT EFFECT HOW SOMEONE LOOK IN THE PICTURE. THAT LARGELY WHY THERE “FLATTERING PICTURES” AND “NOT FLATTERING WHATSOEVER PICTURES.” THINGS TO REMEMBER 1) A ZOOM LENS NOT A “TRUE” LENS, MEANING IT MORE SIMULATING THE EFFECTS OF USING THAT SIZE A LENS AND NOT GIVING THE SAME IMAGE QUALITY. THAT WHY CAMERA CREWS USE LIKE 20 DIFFERENT LENSES AND NOT JUST ONE ZOOM LENS. THEY JUST NOT AS GOOD. AND 2) IT NOT LIKE THERE SOME IDEAL LENS FOR PHOTOGRAPHING PEOPLE IN ORDER MAKE LOOK GOOD. IT DEPEND ON HOW FAR AWAY PERSON IS, THE SURROUNDING SPACE, THE SHAPE OF PERSON/PERSON’S FACE, THE LIGHTING, EVERYTHING. YOU CAN SORT OF MAKE ANYONE LOOK GOOD WITH ANY LENS AT ANY DISTANCE, THINGS JUST NEED BE ADJUST TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED CORRECTLY.
NATURALLY MOST PEOPLE JUST POINT AND SHOOT AND TRY TO GET THE CAMERA TO DO AS MUCH OF THE WORK AS POSSIBLE. HONESTLY, CAMERAS ADJUST PRETTY WELL NOWADAYS, BUT STILL IT NOT MAGIC AND IT REASON LOTS OF PHOTOGRAPHS NO COME OUT FLATTERING. MEANWHILE, GREAT PHOTOGRAPHERS ARE EXPERTS OF NUANCE…. WELL… TECHNICALLY ALL GREATLY SKILLED PEOPLE ARE EXPERTS OF NUANCE.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #9
How my fist taste?
-Abomination
HULK THINK THERE MANY PROBLEMS WITH ARGUMENT SIR.
FIRST OFF, WHEN YOU EVER BEAT HULK? NEVER.
SECOND OFF, YOU ONCE BEAT BY NAMOR… FUCKING NAMOR.
THIRD OFF, YOU LOOK LIKE KILLER CROC HAD SEX WITH A MUPPET.
HULK WORKING ON ANOTHER BIG ESSAY (WITH SPECIAL PROFESSIONAL GUEST!), BUT HULK ALSO HAVE SUPER BUSY WEEK AT AVENGER HQ. SO WHO KNOWS IF HULK WILL FINISH. MEANWHILE HULK BEEN ANSWERING LOTS QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENTS SECTIONS LATELY AND IT GOT HULK THINKING 1) HULK LUCKY AND HAVE INCREDIBLY THOUGHTFUL POIGNANT COMMENTATORS AND 2) THEY HAVE REALLY GOOD QUESTIONS.
IN THAT SPIRIT HULK THOUGHT IT BE GOOD DO MAILBAG SERIES THIS WEEK, SINCE HULK HAVE SHORT TIME. SO FEEL TWEET HULK. ASK IN COMMENTS BELOW (HULK WILL ANSWER THEM IN ACTUAL NEW ARTICLE, NOT BELOW). OR EMAIL HULK AT FILMCRITHULK@GMAIL.COM.
SO HULK SAW CAPTAIN AMERICA LAST NIGHT AND HULK LIKED IT VERY MUCH SO.
IN FACT, IT FLIRT BETWEEN BEING PRETTY GOOD AND BEING AN OUTRIGHT BLAST. THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH “REVIEWING” IT, THAT ASIDE FROM ONE INTERESTING ASPECT THERE ALSO NOT A LOT TALK ABOUT. IF HULK DID, SO MUCH WOULD BE SIMPLY LISTING OF “YEAH, THAT WORKED. AND THAT WORKED. SO DID THAT.” AND SO ON. BUT THAT THE MIRACULOUS THING, IT NOT TRY COAST ON ANY SINGULAR OUTSTANDING ASPECT AND INSTEAD RELY ON THE BASIC TENETS OF STORYTELLING AND DO EVERYTHING WELL. WHICH THE RAREST THING IN A BLOCKBUSTER THESE DAYS.
FOR THE SAKE OF BEING THOROUGH A FEW SHORT BLURBS WILL SUFFICE:
THINGS THAT FIT RIGHT INTO PLACE:
1) CHRIS EVANS NAILS HUMILITY – THAT PARAMOUNT TO EVERYTHING. CAP NOT CHARMING AND WITTY LIKE IRON MAN. HE NOT PROUD, BOASTFUL, AND FUNNY LIKE THOR. HE NOT DARK, BROODING, AND TORTURED LIKE HULK.(i) NO, CAP SOMEONE WHO EARNEST, SHY, AND INHERENTLY “GOOD.” AS STUPID AS HULK FEEL HAVING TO EVEN SAY THIS, THAT ACTUALLY VERY HARD THING HAVE COME ACROSS ON SCREEN. ONE IMAGINES YOU COULD PROP UP ANYONE INTO THAT ROLE, BUT THEN THEY WOULD JUST COME OFF AS EITHER BLANDY-BLANDERSON OR A GUY WHO SUPER PREACHY/COCKY. SO ACHIEVING THAT STASIS OF HUMILITY RATHER DIFFICULT. BUT HULK ALWAYS KNEW EVANS HAD THAT RANGE IN HIM. IT MAY BE HARD TO IMAGINE FROM THE GUY WHO OFTEN PLAYS THE FUN-LOVING RAPSCALLION (FANTASTIC FOUR/THE LOSTERS) OR THE DOUCHEBAG ACTOR (SCOTT PILGRIM). BUT HULK SEEN SUNSHINE, A FILM IN WHICH EVANS WAS SNEAKY-REMARKABLE. HIS CHARACTER NOT EVOLVE PER SAY, BUT INSTEAD SHOW A GRADUAL RANGE. ANYWHO, THIS GOING TO ELEVATE THINGS FOR HIM AND HULK KEEP LOOKING FORWARD TO HIS FUTURE…. ALSO DAAAAYYYYYUM BOY WHERE YOU GET THEM PECKS! NOT THAT HULK IMPRESSED. HULK COULD CRUSH YOU LIKE PUNY HUMAN. HULK JUST SAYING THAT “DAAAAAYYYYUM” FOR HUMAN STANDARDS.
2) JOE JOHNSTON’S PRODUCTION DESIGN- HULK WOULD DEFINITELY VISIT THE CAPTAIN AMERICA PROP HOUSE AND BE OCCUPIED FOR DAYS AND DAYS.
3) GREAT SCORE – CHECK IT OUT!
4) A SCREENPLAY THAT KNOWS HOW TO STRUCTURE – HULK WILL DIVE IN LATER, BUT ALL THE DEVELOPMENT OF CAPTAIN AMERICA HANDLED RATHER WELL. MORE IMPORTANTLY, THEY DON’T GO AN OBTUSE ROUTE AND GIVE HIM A BIG (NEEDLESS) CHARACTER ARC. THEY RECOGNIZE IT MORE ABOUT GETTING THE WORLD TO RECOGNIZE WHO HE IS AND WHAT HE CAN BE. WRITERS CHRIS MARKUS AND STEPHEN MCFREELY DID BANG UP JOB (NOT TO MENTION UNCREDITED RE-WRITE BY JOSS WHEDON. WHO ALL OVER THIS).
5) THE HOWLIN’ COMMANDOS – DESPITE LIMITED SCREEN TIME, THEY COME ACROSS EFFECTIVELY. AND HULK PARTICULARLY LIKED THE TOUCH OF MAKING BUCKY HIS CHILDHOOD FRIEND AND PUTTING THEM THROUGH ROLE REVERSAL. IT RESONATED VERY NICELY.
THINGS THAT ARE HOME RUNS:
1) EARLY ON, STANLEY TUCCI SHOWS UP AND SUDDENLY THE MOVIE GETS CALLED UP TO THE MAJORS. HULK ALWAYS BITCH ABOUT HOW IN “AWARDS SEASON” ROLES LIKE THIS GET LEFT BY WAYSIDE JUST BECAUSE THEY NOT “SERIOUS” MOVIES. UGH. NONSENSE. SURE, HE NOT IN IT THAT LONG, BUT BY THE TIME CAP OFF IN FIGHTING NAZIS AND HYDRAS, TUCCI’S ROLE ALREADY ACCOMPLISHED. HE SIMPLY INCREDIBLE IN THE FILM, ELEVATING FAIRLY STANDARD TROPE INTO SOMETHING THAT EXCEPTIONAL. HIS DOCTOR ERKSINE OBVIOUSLY WISE, BUT HE ALSO IMBUE THE CHARACTER WITH A KIND OF SOBERING HILARITY. HULK THROW AROUND WORD “TRANSCENDENT” A LOT, BUT HULK NOT USING IT TO MEAN “OMG AMAZING!” HULK USE IT TO MEAN WHEN SOMETHING WAY BETTER THAN IT SHOULD BE. WHEN IT “TRANSCEND” THE SHACKLES OF THE STATUS QUO. IN THIS CASE, HULK ASK YOU WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE TO MAKE THIS ROLE ANY BETTER? HULK ARGUE NOTHING.
2) AND THE SAME GOES FOR TOMMY LEE JONES… HULK FIND THAT LIGHTING STRIKING TWICE DOWNRIGHT REMARKABLE. AGAIN, IT COULD BE JUST ANOTHER TEXTBOOK ROLE, BUT JONES SIMPLY OWNS IT. HE FULLY INVESTED, TOWING THE LINE OF FUNNY AND GRIZZLED. ANY EVIDENCE NEEDED CAN BE FOUND HIS MOST-EXCELLENT “INTERROGATION” SCENE WITH TOBY JONES (IT THE LITTLE THINGS. LIKE HOW HE CASUALLY TAKES HE STEAK BACK). HULK LOVED IT.
OKAY, PHEW. HULK DONE LISTING REPETITIVE SUPERLATIVES. SO NOW IT TIME FOR:
THE HUGE MAIN INTERESTING TALKING POINT THAT MAKE THE MOVIE WORK:
HULK WANT TO TALK ABOUT PEGGY CARTER AND STORYTELLING 101, BECAUSE HULK ARGUE THEY THE REASON THE FILM REALLY WORKS.
FOR ONE, SHE HAVE TO WORK OR ELSE THE MOVIE FAIL. WHILE IN THE SCRIPTING STAGE, THE WRITERS COULD HAVE SIDELINED PEGGY CARTER AS MERE LIP SERVICE, AS THE MAJORITY OF SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS ARE WANT TO DO WITH THESE STRANGE “WOMEN” PEOPLE. BUT INSTEAD THEY MADE CHOICE TO BRING HER TO THE FOREFRONT OF THE FILM. HULK NOT EXAGGERATING, SHE IN THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE MOVIE. AND IF THE FILM DIDN’T DO IT THEIR STORY JUSTICE, THEN IT WOULD HAVE FAILED EASILY.
HOLLYWOOD’S INCLINATION TO MARGINALIZE FEMALE CO-STARS TEND TO DRIVE HULK BATTY. THEN AGAIN, MOST SCREENWRITERS ARE MEN, AND A GOOD MAJORITY OF THEM WOULDN’T HAVE SINGLE CLUE HOW TO WRITE WOMEN. EVER WONDER WHY SO MANY MOVIES JUST MAKE THEIR FEMALE LEADS EITHER BACKGROUND DAMSELS OR JUST ANOTHER GRUNT WITH A GUN? (ii)
PEGGY CARTER NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS. SHE NOT HIS SIDEKICK WITH BOOBS. SHE NOT MERELY HIS “LOVE INTEREST.”
SHE SMART, CAPABLE, SOLDIERLY, AND DISTINCTLY FEMININE.
OF COURSE, NONE OF THAT POSSIBLE WITHOUT HAYLEY ATWELL.
HER
HULK THOUGHT SHE GREAT. TRUE, SHE NOT SUBLIME OR TRANSCENDENT LIKE TUCCI AND TOMMY LEE (WHO COULD BE THOUGH?) BUT SHE CONTINUE TO PROVE THAT CASTING PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN ANY MOVIE; EVEN A DECENT ACTOR CAN BRING DOWN GREAT WRITING IF THEY NOT UP TO IT OR NOT THE RIGHT FIT. IRONMAN DID 70% OF THEIR WORK THE SECOND THEY CAST ROBERT DOWNEY JR. AND GWENYTH PALTROW. CAN YOU IMAGINE ANYONE ELSE IN THAT ROLE BUT RDJ? OF COURSE NOT. IT THAT CRITICAL. SO WITH ATWELL, SURE, MAYBE THERE A BUNCH OF GREAT ACTRESSES OUT THERE WHO COULD HAVE DONE WELL WITH THIS FULLY REALIZED ROLE, BUT SHE THE ONE THEY PICKED AND SHE REALLY MADE MOST OF IT. SHE CONVEYED EVERYTHING AT RIGHT TIME, DISPLAYING A PROFESSIONAL AND DEMURE EXTERIOR, WHILE HANDLING THE FULL ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS JUST THROUGH HER EYES. HULK THOUGHT EVERYTHING ABOUT PEGGY CARTER JUST SPOT ON: HER PERFORMANCE, THE DIRECTION OF HER SCENES, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY THE WRITING BEHIND HER CHARACTER.
WHEN HULK TALK ABOUT “WRITING” HULK NOT TALKING ABOUT “WITTY DIALOGUE.” THE FACT THAT THAT WHAT SYNONYMOUS WITH GOOD WRITING DRIVE HULK UP WALL. BUT THEN AGAIN THAT LIKELY THE ONLY TANGIBLE DETAIL PEOPLE CAN PICK UP. NOR THE WRITING HULK TALKING ABOUT = TONE, STRUCTURE, PACE OR DETAIL (THOUGH THOSE OBVIOUSLY CRITICAL)… THE WRITING HULK TALKING ABOUT THE INVISIBLE WORK OF GIVING SCENES MEANING.
TO ILLUSTRATE, LET HULK COMPARE THE TREATMENT OF CHARACTER SCENE MEANINGS BETWEEN TWO MARVEL LEADING LADIES, CAPTAIN AMERICA‘S PEGGY CARTER AND THOR’S JANE FOSTER.
FIRST OFF, LETS WORK ON ASSUMPTION THAT BOTH PERFORMANCES EQUAL. IN THE ROLE, HAYLEY IS CHARMING, SEXY, PRESENT, AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF. AND NATALIE PORTMAN IS, OBVIOUSLY, NO SLOUCH EITHER. FOR ALL THE FLACK THAT THOR GOT, THE TWO LEADS DO THEIR DAMNEDEST TO CREATE A SENSE OF CHEMISTRY AND ATTRACTION, BOTH OF WHICH HULK ARGUE END UP BEING PRESENT IN FINAL PRODUCT. HULK ARGUE THAT THOR EVEN MANAGED TO FIND RIGHT TONE AN ENERGY FOR THEIR SCENES (MEANING THEY “FELT” RIGHT). SO WHY DID THOR‘S RELATIONSHIP FAIL AND CAP‘S SUCCEED?
BECAUSE THEIR SCENES IN THOR HAD VERY LITTLE STORY/CHARACTER MEANING.
SORRY YOU TWO. IT NOT YOUR FAULT.
HERE IS THE NARRATIVE ARC FOR THOR AND JANE: SHE KEEP RUNNING OVER HIM WITH HER CAR. SHE THINKS HE CRAZY. SHE SO ATTRACTED TO HIS MUSCLES IT MAKE HER NERVOUS. THEY FLIRT. HE CONTINUE TO GIVE HER NO EVIDENCE THAT HE NOT CRAZY. SHE PUT TRUST IN HIM FOR SOME REASON. THEN THEY LOVE EACH OTHER FOR SOME REASON. SHE RESTORES HIS HUMILITY FOR SOME REASON. HE GETS TRAPPED BACK IN ASGARD. SHE VOWS TO KEEP SEARCHING FOR HIM.
AS MUCH AS GOODWILL AS THE TWO LEADS PUT INTO IT, THEIR STORY NEVER COMPUTES. IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR SCENES, THE WRITERS NOT GIVE THEM NARRATIVE REASON TO LIKE EACH OTHER, NOR GIVE THEM A STRONG ENOUGH REASON TO EVEN TRY. THE NARRATIVE REASON FOR THEIR LOVE ESSENTIALLY COME DOWN TO “PRETTY PEOPLE LIKE EACH OTHER.” WHICH IN TURN SOLELY MAKES LOVE STORY FULLY DEPENDENT ON THE ASSUMPTION OF THEY’LL “TOTALLY HAVE CHEMISTRY” OR WHATEVER. FOR EXAMPLE, BOTH THE SCENE IN THE TRAILER AND THE SCENE ON THE ROOF FEEL LIKE “NOW HERE’S THE SCENE WHERE WE ARE INTIMATE AND START LIKING EACH OTHER, SO LET’S TRY AND MAKE THAT HAPPEN.” READ: IT FELT FORCED. AND THAT NOT LOVE. IT THE IDEA OF LOVE. THOR REALLY DO HAVE A LOT OF CHARM AND ENERGY TO IT, BUT IT NOT WORK ON LARGER STORY LEVEL BECAUSE NONE OF THE SCENES HAVE MEANING OR INTENTION INGRAINED INTO IT ON A STORY LEVEL. IT JUST ASSUMED.
NOW HERE IS THE NARRATIVE ARC FOR CAP AND PEGGY (OH AND TONS OF SPOILERS AND SHIT): SHE FIRST SHOW UP AT HIS TRAINING. AT FIRST SHE THE CAUTIOUS OBSERVER, SEEING HIM THE LITTLE WEAKLING. HER FIRST INSTINCT PROTECTIVE. SHE THEN GET TO SEE HIS INGENUITY (THE FLAG) AND THEN SEE HIS HUMILITY AND COURAGE (THE GRENADE). THEY HAVE FIRST BONDING MOMENT OVER THEIR MUTUAL “HAVING TO WORK FOR IT.” SHE BEGINS TO SEE WHAT ERKSINE SEE IN HIM. BEFORE HE TRANSFORMS THEY HAVE A BRIEF “CONNECTING” MOMENT WHERE SHE GETS TO SEE HOW SHY AND GENUINE HE IS TOO. TURNS OUT THERE A PROBLEM WITH THE TRANSFORMATION AND SHE RUN OUT FOR THEM TO STOP, SHOWING FIRST TIME HOW SHE CARES ABOUT HIM. HE THEN FULLY TRANSFORMED AND SUDDENLY SHE GETS A GIRL BONER FOR HIM.(iii) THE MOMENT SUDDENLY UPENDED BY THE ATTACK ON ERKSINE, NOW MAKING THEM PRESS ON TOGETHER ALONE. WHEN CAP LATER JOINS THE WAR, SHE SEES WHAT NEUTERED STATE HE IN AND IMMEDIATELY AIDS HIM IN HIS EFFORT TO GO SAVE THE CAPTURED TROOPS. SHE THINKS HE’S DEAD. HE RETURNS A HERO. SHE CLEARLY OVERJOYED BUT KEEPS IT ON THE INSIDE. THAT NIGHT SHE SHOW UP AT BAR IN HEART-STOPPING RED DRESS. THEY HAVE BRIEF FLIRTATION ALL UNDER GUISE OF MILITARY APPROPRIATENESS. THEY HINT THAT THEY BOTH LOOKING FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL IN THEIR LIVES. THE AGREE TO MEET THE NEXT MORNING FOR TRAINING. THIS ALL COMPRISES HER FIRST “SEXUAL ADVANCE” EVEN THOUGH IT ALL VERY PROPER AND UNSAID. JUST BEFORE THE AGREED-UPON TRAINING SESSION SOME SLUT THROWS HERSELF AT CAP AND HE TRIES TO STOP IT, BUT SORT OF KISSES BACK LIKE A HELPLESS PUTZ. PEGGY SEES THIS AND IS CLEARLY DEVASTATED, ESPECIALLY COMING HOT OF THE HEELS OF ALL THE UNSAID THINGS THE NIGHT BEFORE, WHICH, AGAIN, HER VERSION OF PUTTING EMOTIONS ON THE LINE.(iv) PEGGY STERNLY GOES INTO “I DON’T CARE” MODE WHEN SHE SO TOTALLY CARES. THEY GO TO TRAINING. SHE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY FIRES A GUN AT HIM DURING IT (HULK NOT SURE HOW YOU PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY FIRE A GUN AT SOMEONE BUT THAT WHAT HAPPENED AND IT NEAT). SHE LATER SEES NEWS FOOTAGE OF HIM CARRYING AROUND HER PICTURE. MONTAGES OF HIM LEADING THE WAR AGAINST HYDRA, ALL THE WHILE IT SHOWS HER WARMING BACK UP TO HIM, IMPLYING SHE UNDERSTANDS THAT THE MINOR INDISCRETION WASN’T IN HIS TRUE NATURE. ON THE LAST MISSION, BUCKY FALLS FROM THE TRAIN TO HIS DEATH. CAP CLEARLY HEARTBROKEN. SHE CONSOLES IN A GENUINE, NON-SEXUAL WAY (HULK LOVE THAT THE WRITERS NOT USE IT AS CONVENIENT EXCUSE TO BRING THEM TOGETHER. IT ABOUT BUCKY). AFTER SOBERING NATURE OF THE TRAGEDY, CAP AND PEGGY BACK ON SAME LEVEL OF RESPECT. THEY GO TO THE FINAL MISSION AGAINST RED SKULL. SHE SAVES HIS BUTT ONCE. AS THEY SPEED AWAY IN CAR CHASING AFTER RED SKULL, SHE RECOGNIZES PERHAPS HER LAST CHANCE TO KISS HIM AND SO SHE DOES. EVEN IF CHEESY, IT EXTREMELY CATHARTIC FOR AUDIENCE BECAUSE THEY BUILT IT UP PERFECTLY. (IT HELP THAT TOMMY LEE JONES GET GREAT LINE AFTER) CAP GO OFF. HE BEAT RED SKULL. THE PLANE GOING DOWN AND ONLY WAY SAVE EASTERN SEABOARD TO CRASH THE PLANE INTO THE ARCTIC. HE GET ON RADIO WITH THE TWO OF THEM TALK IN KIND OF HOKEY SPEECH ABOUT MAKING A DATE, BUT IT STILL TRUE TO THE CHARACTERS/RELATIONSHIP SO IT WORK. AND THEN IT IMMEDIATELY STOP BEING HOKEY WHEN THE SIGNAL ABRUPTLY CUT OUT. AT THAT POINT IT GUT WRENCHING. SHE EMOTIONALLY CRUSHED. THE SEARCH FOR HIS BODY NO TURN UP ANYTHING. LATER ON, SHE CHECK HIS FILE, SEES THE PICTURE OF HIM AS THE 90 POUND WEAKLING, SHOWING HOW FAR HE/SHE CAME FROM BEGINNING. SHE MARKS HIS FILE INACTIVE. SHE PRESS ON.
HMMM. NOTICE A DIFFERENCE?
THIS MAY SEEM LIKE HULK CHEATING AND JUST BOTHERED TO WRITE A LOT MORE DETAILS FOR CAP, BUT IT NOT THE CASE AT ALL. IT JUST THAT THERE SO MUCH MORE STUFF THERE.
THAT BECAUSE IT A GODDAMN STORY.
CHEERS EVERYONE
THE RELATIONSHIP IN THOR, MEANWHILE. NOT AN ACTUAL STORY. IT JUST TRIED TO COAST BY ON THE GOOD VIBES, WHEREAS THE CAP SCREENPLAY DID ALL THE FREAKING WORK IN THE STORY. DOING THAT ALLOWS THE ACTORS COULD TO JUST SHOW UP AND MAKE IT AWESOMER. IT NIGHT AND DAY IN TERMS OF APPROACH. BETTER YET, IT SHOWCASE THAT IT NOT THE AMOUNT, IT WHAT YOU PUT IN THE AMOUNT. HULK WOULD EVEN BET THE TWO CHARACTERS, PEGGY AND JANE, NOT HAVE A WILDLY DISPARAGING NUMBER OF LINES IN EACH FILM.
HULK’S FAVORITE PART THAT CAPTAIN AMERICA ACHIEVED NOT THROUGH SOME SUBLIME TRANSCENDENCE OF FILMMAKING INSIGHT, BUT BY PAYING ATTENTION TO SCREENWRITING 101. LOOK AT THAT SUMMARY AGAIN. IT NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, IT JUST THAT EVERY SINGLE SCENE THEY FOCUSED ON MAKING IT HAVE SOME MEANING TO THE CHARACTERS. EVERY SCENE IS ADDED LAYER TO THEIR RELATIONSHIPS. EVERY SCENE MARK A NOTCH OF PROGRESSION.
PEGGY CARTER WORKS BECAUSE SHE THE TRUE SECOND LEAD IN THE MOVIE. SHE NOT MERE LIP SERVICE, BUT ABSOLUTELY INTEGRAL. SHE THE REASON WE CARE ABOUT CAP.
PEGGY CARTER WORKS BECAUSE HER SCENES INTERWOVEN INTO THE NARRATIVE WITH DEFT TOUCH. IT NOT LIKE ‘HEY, HERE THE PEGGY SCENES!” NOT BY LONG SHOT. THEY COMPLETELY ORGANIC. FUCK, THEY INTRINSIC TO EVERY OTHER PART OF CAP’S JOURNEY. WHEN THERE A CHANGE IN HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH PEGGY IT USUALLY WHAT LEAD TO HIM HAVING NEW MOMENT OF CONFIDENCE IN HIS OTHER STORY LINES AS A SOLIDER OF VICE VERSA. PEGGY NOT JUST SOMEONE WHO THERE TO SERVE AS FOIL OR DEUS EX MACHINA OF MAIN CHARACTER. IT RECIPROCAL.
PEGGY CARTER WORKS BECAUSE HER RELATIONSHIP WITH TOMMY LEE JONES’S GENERAL CHARACTER JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE ONE WITH CAP. EVEN WITHOUT A LOT OF SCREEN TIME, EVERYTHING DONE WITH LITTLE EXCHANGES. TOMMY LEE PUT A GREAT DEAL OF TRUST IN HER SO HE EXPECTS A LOT. SHE EAGER TO PLEASE HIM AND CAUGHT BETWEEN THAT AND HER FAITH IN CAP. THE SCRIPT NEVER FORGETS THIS. IN THE LAST MOMENTS, THE THREE OF THEM HEADING IN CAR TO CATCH RED SKULL, AND THEIR BRIEF INTERACTIONS SAY EVERYTHING. NOW THAT ECONOMY!
PEGGY CARTER WORKS BECAUSE THERE AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP THERE. A WELL-DEVELOPED CORE. IT NOT JUST PART OF THE STORY. IT IS THE STORY.
WE KNOW IT THE STORY, BECAUSE WHEN THE MOVIE ENDS, HULK ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE IT A GENUINE TRAGEDY THEY DIDN’T GET THEIR DATE. THE MOVIE PROVED, BEYOND SHADOW OF A DOUBT, THAT THEIR RELATIONSHIP DESERVED IT.(v)
AND LASTLY, PEGGY CARTER WORKS BECAUSE THE REAL CAP AGREES THE GOT HER RIGHT. SO HERE TO FINISH THE ARTICLE, HULK GOING ASK CAPTAIN AMERICA PARTICIPATE.
HEY FELLAS!
THE FOLLOWING TRANSCRIBED FROM RECORDED CONVERSATION.
Captain America: What do I do?
HULK: JUST TALK INTO THE MICROPHONE.
Captain America: Oh okay. I’m still having trouble with that phone you gave me.
HULK: IT AN IPHONE. IT NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.
Captain America: You say to the guy who still freaking out about Television.
HULK: SO YOU LIKE THE MOVIE?
Captain America: Oh sure. Yeah. It was really swell.
HULK: WHAT IT LIKE WATCHING YOUR LIFE STORY PUT UP ON SCREEN?
Captain America: Well, you’d know, it’s a little weird. Going back to those days, you know everything is so different now. It’s just hard seeing something you lived through. The war was a lot more grim than that and how many people died for real. They don’t just get vaporized into blue puffs of smoke. It grizzly. I mean I understand why the comics and the movie don’t show the rough stuff. I get it. It’s just hard, you know?
HULK BUT YOU FELT LIKE IT CAPTURED WHAT YOU WERE ABOUT?
Captain America: Yeah, I know it sounds cheesy, but we believed in what we were doing. Most of the guys weren’t saints or nothing, that’s for sure. But we thought it was important. Schmit. Hitler. All of it. We really thought it needed to be done. Any soldier has to really. I know the wars that happened while I was frozen, I guess they were… less noble minded? I dunno. I get it, but sometimes it’s not about politics. For me at least, it’s about home. People always call me a patriot. I dunno about that. I just see my country as my home.
HULK: HULK GIVE YOU CRAP ABOUT YOUR OLD FASHIONED SENSIBILITY/POLITICS ALL THE TIME, BUT YOU KNOW HULK JUST KIDDING RIGHT? HULK THINK YOU ONE OF MOST HONORABLE MEN HULK EVER KNOWN.
Captain America: [respectful nod]
HULK: AND WHAT ABOUT PEGGY?
Captain America: Yeah, Peggy, that was um… that was… that was hard to watch honestly. You know. I don’t really talk about it. I mean… Yeah. I loved her, plain as day. And when I think about what we missed out on. It breaks my heart. It really does [Cap starts to tear up a little, Hulk does too]. But I like to think she understand. I have to think that. We both believed in something bigger than ourselves. It’s part of the reason we got along. And there so many others that lost out on the future too. Countless. It’s just to me… well…
… she was the best.
ENDNOTES:
(i) CAP ALSO HAS SHITTY TASTE IN MOVIES
(ii) THE THINKING OF GIVING THE FEMALE CO-STAR A GUN USUALLY A QUICK FIX SO SHE CAN BE INVOLVED AND KICK ASS IN THE NAME OF BEING SORT OF EQUAL! BUT USUALLY THEY JUST THERE SO THE MAIN ACTOR CAN KISS SOMEONE FOR THE SOLE REASON TO MAKE ACTION MOVIES SEEM LESS GAY… WHAT?! THAT NO HOMOPHOBIC. GUYS IN ACTION MOVIES ARE OFTEN, FOR LACK OF BETTER PHRASE, SUPER EXTRA GAY. MEN BEING DEVOTED TO OTHER MEN = EXACTLY WHAT BIG SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER ENTERTAINMENT ABOUT. WHAT STARTED WITH TOP GUN HAS TRANSCENDED DOWN THROUGH THE GENERATIONS OF MORPH INTO OTHER DEEPLY CLOSETED SOCIAL ENTERTAINMENTS LIKE ENTOURAGE. AND SERIOUSLY, BAD BOYS 2 = ONE OF THE GAYEST MOVIES EVER MADE. THE ONLY REASON MOST FEMALES AROUND SO THAT THE LEADS OF THESE MOVIES CAN APPEAR TO BE STRAIGHT… OKAY HULK HYPERBOLE-ING, IT JUST A FUN SUBTEXT TO LOOK AT THINGS IN.
(iii) TO BE FAIR, EVERYONE SHOULD GET A BONER WHEN COMES OUT OF THE TRANSFORMING CHAMBER.
(iv) AND YOU KNOW THIS SCENE REALLY WORKED CAUSE AN AUDIENCE FULL OF DISAFFECTED MARVEL NERDS GASPED ALOUD. THE RELATIONSHIP MATTERED TO THE JADED AUDIENCE! AGAIN, HULK REALLY LOVE THAT THIS MOMENT COME AFTER THE RED DRESS BRIEF FLIRTATION. IF PEG AND CAP HAD KISSED OR DONE MORE? IT WOULD HAVE FELT A WHOLLY DIFFERENT KIND OF WRONG. IT MAY SEEM STUPID OR OBVIOUS, BUT HULK ARGUE THIS KIND OF UNDERSTANDING = VITAL. WANTING CHARACTERS TO HOOK UP WAY MORE DRAMATICALLY INTERESTING. THEN CHARACTERS HOOKING UP AND DEALING WITH MESSY AFTERMATH (WHICH SEEM TO BE WHOLE GENRE NOWADAYS WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED AND FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS). EVEN IF OBVIOUS, HULK THINK THE WHOLE THING SHOWCASES SOMEONE HAVING WONDERFUL UNDERSTANDING OF CHARACTER MOTIVATION… YOU BE SURPRISED HOW MANY MOVIES DON’T.
(v) SO HULK JUST WANT MENTION THAT APPARENTLY THE VERY ENDING HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH JOE JOHNSTON AND IT FILMED WITHOUT HIS PRESENCE OR BLESSING AND THAT VERY CLEAR. WHILE IT SET UP THE AVENGERS AND WORKS AS “COOL SCENE” IT COMPLETELY TONE DEAF TO MOVIE THAT PRECEDED IT. SPECIFICALLY HOW IT END ON THAT FUNNY LINE OF “I MISSED A DATE…” IT NOT FUNNY. GIVEN HOW GREAT THEIR RELATIONSHIP WORKED IT A FUCKING TRAGEDY, NOT AN IRONIC ENDING LINE. THAT SCENE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HEARTBREAKING.* ANY FUCK. IT NOT THAT BIG A DEAL. IT JUST WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET DIRECTORS NOT DO THEIR FUCKING JOBS.
* AND NOT TO LAUNCH INTO CONJECTURE. BUT HULK TOTALLY THOUGHT WE HEADING FOR SCENE OF CAP SHOWING UP AND DANCING WITH 90 YEAR OLD PEGGY CARTER. WHILE THAT SOUND SCHMALTZY AS FUCK, IT WOULD HAVE PERFECTLY FIT MOVIE AND HULK WOULD HAVE BEEN CRYING LIKE A LITTLE SCHOOL-HULK. WHAT?! YOU HAVE NO SOUL! SHUT UP! AND KEEP IN MIND THIS SCENE COULD STILL SHOW UP IN AVENGERS BUT HULK ARGUE IT BE LESS IMPACTING IN SEPARATE MOVIE, AND NOT COMING AT THE END OF THEIR MOVIE.
CONSIDER THIS A FOUR-PART, 12,378 WORD, 31 PAGE SINGLE-SPACED, OPEN-LETTER TO DAMON LINDELOF AND CARLTON CUSE CONCERNING LOST…
DEAR DARLTON,
HEY WHAT UP. IT HULK. HOW THINGS? COOL.
SO IT BEEN OVER YEAR SINCE FINALE OF LOST AND YET BOTH THE SHOW/FINALE REMAIN FLOATING ABOUT THE ZEITGEIST. HULK IMAGINE IT SAME WAY FOR BOTH OF YOU. FOR AWHILE DAMON SEEMED TO TALK ABOUT IT ON TWITTER MAYBE ONCE A WEEK OR SO. HE RECENTLY ACKNOWLEDGE ON PODCAST THAT THE “HOW MUCH TO TALK ABOUT LOST” A QUESTION HE WRESTLE WITH. AND WHILE DISCUSSING THE SHOW, DAMON SEEM OSCILLATE BETWEEN FUN AND SERIOUSNESS, ACCEPTANCE AND DEFENSIVENESS… ALL OF WHICH RATHER UNDERSTANDABLE. OF COURSE, SOME BITS GET MORE PUBLIC NOTICE, LIKE THE RECENT (AND ADMITTEDLY RATHER TINY) DUST UP WITH GEORGE R.R. MARTIN. ALL THE WHILE, IT SEEM TO HULK THAT DAMON REALLY GOING DOWN THIS ROAD CAUSE HE TRYING TO COME TO SOME KIND OF CATHARSIS ABOUT LOST AND WHAT IT REALLY MEANT. WHICH MAKE HIM JUST LIKE ALL OF US.
THE SUM TOTALITY OF LOST(1) A HARDER THING TO SUM UP THAN MOST PEOPLE REALIZE. THE SHOW TRULY ALL-ENCOMPASSING AND RESONATED IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS THAT IT HARD TO CLARIFY EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED, AND CONTINUES TO HAPPEN IN ITS WAKE.
BUT AFTER ALL THIS TIME, HERE AND NOW, HULK FINALLY READY TALK ABOUT THE LOST FINALE.
PREFACE #1: HULK’S ORIGINAL INTERPRETATION OF THE FINALE NOT REALLY CHANGE SINCE AIRING, YET THE INTENSITY HAS LESSENED AND HULK ABLE TO BE MORE OBJECTIVE. THIS OBVIOUSLY A GOOD THING. WHICH MEANS:
PREFACE #2: THE TITLE OF THIS ARTICLE AND THE DOLL-TOUCHING JOKE = JUST THAT, A JOKE. HULK FEEL NOWHERE NEAR THAT EXTREME ABOUT THE SITUATION (AFTER ALL, HULK A RATIONAL HULK). THE JOKE MORE REPRESENTATIVE OF HULK’S FEELINGS ABOUT FINALLY COMING FORWARD TO TALK ABOUT IT. HONESTLY, WHAT FOLLOWS WILL ATTEMPT BE VERY MEASURED AND FAIR AND ALL THAT. IT JUST FELT LIKE RIGHT TITLE (FOR REASONS THAT WILL MAKE SENSE LATER).
PREFACE #3: EVEN IF HULK OFTEN DISMISS A LOT OF THE HYPERBOLE AND APOLOGIST REMARKS SURROUNDING THE SHOW, HULK STILL THINK LOST ONE OF THE BEST TELEVISION SHOWS EVER MADE. IT CERTAINLY ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT, IF ONLY FOR FACT THAT IT DRAGGED THE NETWORKS INTO BOTH THE TIME-SHIFT (DVR) AND SERIALIZED-TV ERA. BUT OBVIOUSLY, IT MORE THAN THAT.
PREFACE #4: ANOTHER REASON HULK WRITING THIS ARTICLE BECAUSE EVEN WITH ALL THE GREAT MATERIAL CRITICAL OUT THERE, HULK YET TO READ INTERPRETATION THAT HIT NAIL ON HEAD FOR WHAT HULK FELT WAS THE EXACT PROBLEMS WITH THE FINALE. SPECIFICALLY WITH HOW IT’S AIMS NOT CONGRUENT WITH THE REST OF THE SERIES.
PREFACE #5: WHILE ON SUBJECT OF CRITICS, HULK THINK DOC JENSEN KIND OF AN IDIOT AND WHOLLY REPRESENTATIVE OF ONE OF THE WORST ASPECTS OF LOST FANS. THIS BEAR MENTIONING BECAUSE HE THE MOST CELEBRATED LOST ANALYZER IN WORLD FOR SOME REASON. PERHAPS IT THE FAULT OF E.W.’S PRESENTATION, BUT HIS WORK REALLY COME OFF LIKE NONSENSE RAMBLINGS AND IT FILLED WITH ABSURD, UNCONNECTED TANGENTS. NOW BOTH RAMBLINGS AND TANGENTS TOTALLY OKAY( HECK, HULK USE THEM ENDLESSLY), BUT DOC ALWAYS SEEM FIXATE ON SINGULAR DETAILS TO CREATE HIS WEAKLY-SUPPORTED HYPOTHESES, ONES WHICH OFTEN STOOD IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO OTHER, FAR-MORE-PERTINENT INFORMATION. THIS NOT ONLY OCCURRED ON FREQUENT LOGISTIC LEVEL, BUT EVEN MORE EGREGIOUSLY ON THE THEMATIC LEVEL. IT SELECTIVE INFORMATION PROCESSING AND IT BASICALLY WORTHLESS. AND LIKE DOC, THERE HUGE SEGMENT OF LOST FANS THAT WOULD DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
PREFACE #6: THE BEST WRITING HULK EVER READ ON LOST DONE BY GENTLEMEN KNOWN AS “MMORSE” AND HULK SAY YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY CHECK HIM OUT (HULK GOING TO LINK TO SOME OF HIS STUFF LATER). HE HAD UNCANNY ABILITY TO DIG DEEP WHILE STAYING TRULY FOCUSED ON HOW THESE DETAILS FIT IN THE “BIG PICTURE.” HULK ARGUE NO ONE HAVE BETTER GRIP ON THE THEMATIC LEVEL OF THE SHOW AND HE WORKED HIS ASS OFF AT IT TOO. HE CURRENTLY DOING GREAT WORK WITH HIS “LOST AND FOUND” SERIES ON CHUD, WHICH EXAMINES OTHER CEREBRAL TV SHOWS THAT MAY HAVE HAD AN ALL-TOO SHORT RUN. HERE HIS TWITTER IF WANT CHECK OUT http://twitter.com/#!/m_morse
PREFACE #7: AT THIS POINT IT SHOULD BE CLEAR HULK HAVE NO INTEREST IN BREVITY. IT MAY BE THE SOUL OF WIT, BUT IT JUST NOT IN HULK’S WHEELHOUSE. IF YOU NEVER READ HULK STUFF BEFORE KNOW THIS, EVERY TIME HULK ATTEMPT BE BRIEF IN ANALYSIS THE STATEMENTS JUST FEEL LIKE A HALF-TRUTH. MEANWHILE, BEING FAIR, TAKING ONE’S TIME, APPROXIMATING EVERYTHING, AND JUST PLAIN BEING THOROUGH= ALL VALUES THAT HULK HOLD DEAR. ESPECIALLY IN AN ERA THAT CRAVES SHORT FORM. SO YES, THIS ARTICLE RATHER LONG, AND PERHAPS A BIT UNWIELDY, BUT THIS HULK DAMMIT.
SO NOW ONTO THE REAL SHIT.
PART 1: WHAT MADE “LOST” FANTASTIC
LOST BOTH ATTEMPTED AND SUCCEEDED IN DOING THINGS MOST OTHER SHOWS NO EVEN TRY: IT HAD RICH, TEXTURED CHARACTERS, AN INTERNATIONAL CAST, USED MULTI-LINGUAL AND SUBTITLED DIALOGUE, PROVIDED SENSUOUS CINEMATOGRAPHY THAT WAS, FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD, “CINEMATIC,” CAPITALIZED ON ITS VIBRANT SETTING, HAD STUNNING PRODUCTION VALUES, WROTE AMBITIOUS STORY ARCS, INCLUDED DEEPLY-LITERATE REFERENCES, WENT INTO INTENSE AND COMPLEX SCI-FI CONCEPTS, BRANDISHED A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SENSE OF HUMOR, AND EVEN DISPLAYED A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF NEW MEDIA IN ORDER ADVERTISE THE SHOW/INTERACT WITH FANS (HELL, IT HELPED SHAPE NEW MEDIA). EVERY DETAIL JUST SEEMED RIGHT: FROM THE HAUNTING OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE TO OFT-SUDDEN ENDING TITLE STAMP AT THE CLOSE OF EVERY EPISODE. SO IF WE JUST GOING BY ALL THESE TANGIBLE DETAILS, THEN OBJECTIVELY-SPEAKING LOST MUST REPRESENT THE PINNACLE OF TELEVISION. HECK, IT THE BEST OF WHAT ENTERTAINMENT CAN OFFER.
BUT JUST CAUSE THAT WHAT MAKE IT GOOD, IT NOT WHAT MAKE IT SPECIAL. WHAT MADE LOST SPECIAL = THE IMPOSSIBLE RESONANCE THAT THE SHOW’S TONE AND THEMATIC CONCEIT HAD WITH VIEWERS. IT STRUCK A CHORD DEEP DOWN AND COMPELLED THEM IN WAYS A TV SHOW OFTEN DOES NOT. SURE THERE WERE RELATIVE LEVELS OF THAT INTENSITY, BUT THERE JUST SEEMED NO SUCH THING AS HALF-INVESTED LOST VIEWER. FOR SOME, IT JUST PURELY VISCERAL: A JOURNEY INTO BOTH THE MYSTERY OF AN ISLAND AND THE MYSTERY OF THE CHARACTER’S LIVES. FOR OTHERS, THE THEMATIC LEVEL OPENED UP A WORLD BEYOND THE SHOW, AN ONLINE COMMUNITY, AN EXPANDED UNIVERSE, AN EVOLVING DISCUSSION ABOUT LIFE, ART, STORYTELLING, RELIGION, SCIENCE, AND BEYOND. BETTER YET, THE SHOW COULD EXIST ON THAT CEREBRAL PLANE WHILE RARELY SACRIFICING THE THINGS THAT MADE IT UNIQUELY HUMANE. AND EVEN THOUGH IT HAD AN EMOTIONAL FOUNDATION, YIT NEVER STEEPED SO LOW AS TO BE OUTRIGHT SENTIMENTAL
ALL THIS MAKE THE SHOW BOTH A MIRACLE AND A SPRAWLING ENTITY IN ITS OWN RIGHT. AND DARLTON, HULK IMAGINE THAT NAVIGATING BOTH THE CREATION OF THAT ENTITY AND THEN PERPETUATING IT MUST HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT THINGS IMAGINABLE. HOW DID THE SHOW SATISFY SO MANY PEOPLE? FOLKS WITH A HOST OF DIFFERENT VALUES?
HULK BELIEVE THE ANSWER = “THE ANSWERS.”
FIRST OFF, HULK BOTH UNDERSTAND AND NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE CLAIM THAT LOST NEVER ANSWERED ANYTHING. HULK PERHAPS UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THE SHOW RARELY RELIED ON “THE REVEAL” FORMAT OR CONVENTIONALLY REVEALED TWISTS WHERE THINGS SUDDENLY DAWN ON AUDIENCE (I.E., THE WAY MANY PROCEDURALS CONCLUDE AT END OF EVERY EPISODE). AND THE FEW TIMES THERE WAS BIG “REVEAL” IN LOST IT OFTEN ANSWERED THE QUESTION WITH EVEN DEEPER MYSTERY, BEST EXEMPLIFIED BY THE NOW-FAMOUS “KATE, WE HAVE TO GO BACK MOMENT!”
HULK JUST WANTED USE THIS AGAIN... AND TO BE FAIR, THEY HAD TO GO BACK
BUT AT SAME TIME HULK NO UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE CAN REALLY THINK THAT, BECAUSE LOST ACTUALLY ANSWERED THE VAST MAJORITY OF OF PLOT, CHARACTER, THEMATIC, AND THEOLOGICAL CONFLICTS THAT WERE INTRODUCED. SERIOUSLY. FOR EVERY HANGING QUESTION THERE, LIKE, 3 OTHERS THAT WERE TOTALLY ANSWERED. HULK KNOW THIS SIMPLIFYING, BUT HULK JUST WANT POINT OUT, “HEY, IT SIMPLE MATH!” YES, THE SHOW COULD BE CRUELLY CHAOTIC IN HOW WENT ABOUT IT SOMETIMES, BUT IT STILL THERE PLAIN AS DAY. AND HONESTLY WHEN THE SHOW LACKED CONVENTIONAL, CONCRETE ANSWERS IT OFTEN SUBLIMATED THEM WITH EMOTIONALLY CATHARTIC BEATS, ONES THAT RESONATED DEEPLY WITHIN THE STORY.
AND CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVE: ALL THE TIMES THE SHOW RESORTED TO ACTUALLY VERBALIZING ANSWERS VIA MONOLOGUE (OR SOMETHING EQUALLY LAME) IT RESULTED IN THE LEAST-INSPIRING OR LEAST-CATHARTIC MOMENTS IN THE SHOW (LIKE WHEN MICHAEL JUST SHOWS UP AND EXPLAINS THE WHISPERS VERBATIM). SO HULK ACTUALLY THINK DARLTON WISE TO TRY AND SHY AWAY FROM THEM. WHAT’S MORE, THE SHOW ULTIMATELY MADE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR FROM BEGINNING THAT IT JUST NOT INTERESTED IN VOCALIZING THE EXACT STATE OF PLOT NARRATIVE. EVER. SO REALLY, IF SOMEONE COMPLAINING ABOUT LACK OF ANSWERS IT SEEM TO HULK THAT THAT SOMEONE NOT REALLY UNDERSTAND THE SHOW THEY BEEN WATCHING FOR 6 YEARS.
SO IF ALL THAT WHAT MAKE THE SHOW SPECIAL… NOW IT TIME FOR WHAT MAKE LOSTTRANSCENDENT.
WHAT CONTINUOUSLY AMAZE HULK IS THAT AS LOST EXPANDED ITS SPRAWLING MYTHOLOGY AND THEME, IT ALWAYS HAD UNIQUE ABILITY TO, FOR LACK OF BETTER TERM, “PLEASE EVERYONE.” AND BY THAT HULK MEAN THAT IT PROVIDE “ANSWERS’ THAT REALLY MORE AN INTERESTING SET OF DIFFERENT ANSWERS, ALL OF WHICH JUST AS EQUALLY TRUE AS OTHER. IT ACTUALLY SPEAK TO RATHER MATHEMATICAL CONCEPT, LIKE MATRICES AND HOW ALL “THE ANSWERS CAN BE ALL WITHIN RANGE OF NUMERICAL SUBSET B”, ETC. MEANING THE ANSWER TO ANY PARTICULAR ISLAND MYSTERY OFTEN GAVE AT LEAST THREE ANSWERS, ONE CHARACTER/STORY BASED, ONE SCIENTIFIC/LOGIC BASED, AND ONE THEMATIC/RELIGIOUS/MYTH BASED (YOU MAY NOT REMEMBER THIS BEING CASE, BUT TRUST HULK. IT TRUE. THOUGH MOST OF IT IN THE PRODUCTION DESIGN). AND BEST YET, NONE OF THOSE ANSWERS WEAK ENOUGH TO OUTRIGHT DISMISS, NOR SO DOMINANT AS TO DISPLACE THE OTHERS.
THIS GENIUS-LEVEL MENTAL ACROBATICS. YOU KNOW, HULK GOING WAGER YOU PROBABLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO CREATE THAT KIND OF THEMATIC STASIS AS WRITER. IN HULK’S MIND, IT THE SINGULAR REASON TO LOVE THE SERIES FOREVER. AND THE FUNNY THING = THIS MULTI-ANSWER APPROACH OFTEN MADE SOME FIGHTING ABOUT LOST MEANINGS TO BE, WELL, KIND OF SILLY. THEY OFTEN JUST AS RIGHT AS THE OTHER. BUT THESE ARDENT SUPPORTERS OF SINGULAR TAKES OFTEN MISSED THE THING THAT MAKE THE SHOW SO FUCKING BRILLIANT:
IT PLEASED THE MAN OF THE FAITH. IT PLEASED THE MAN OF SCIENCE. AND IT OFTEN DID SO AT ONCE.
WHAT ELSE COULD HULK WANT FROM TV SHOW?
SO PLEASE DARLTON, AS HULK GET INTO THIS FINALE THING… PLEASE NO THINK HULK NO UNDERSTAND.
PART 2 – SO IF THAT WHAT MADE LOST FANTASTIC THEN WHY DID THE FINALE DROP THE BALL?
FIRST OFF, HULK THOUGHT 95% OF THE FINALE DOWNRIGHT SPECTACULAR. THE ENTIRE ON-ISLAND PLOT WRAPPED UP BEAUTIFULLY: THE EPIC JACK VS. LOCKE/MIB BRAWL (FEW REMEMBER THE COCKTEASINGLY-GREAT COMMERCIAL BREAK THAT HAPPENED JUST BEFORE IT). HURLEY’S NEW PLACE AS LEADER. DESMOND’S ELECTROMAGNETISM PAYING OFF AND TOTALLY PLAYING INTO THE STORY . LINUS’S ATONEMENT. THE BIG MYTHOLOGICAL ARCHPOINTS, EVEN THE ISLAND KEYSTONE, BECAUSE HULK TOTALLY COOL WITH IT BEING THE “ON/OFF” SWITCH EVEN IF SOME FELT IT ON THE NOSE.(2) MILES GETTING HIS DIAMONDS. MILES’S LINE: “I DON’T BELIEVE IN A LOT OF THINGS, BUT I DO BELIEVE IN DUCT TAPE!” (HOW DID THAT NO BECOME A T-SHIRT?) RICARDO’S GRAY HAIR AND HIS “I THINK I WANT TO LIVE” LINE. IT WRAPPED UP HIS STORY PERFECT ECONOMY. THERE ALL THE CHARACTERS SACRIFICES. THE LAST MOMENTS. VINCENT. THE BAMBOO. JACK WATCHING PLANE OVERHEAD. THE CLOSING OF THE EYE. IT ALL AMAZING. IT FELT LIKE THE SHOW. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT FELT LIKE THE SHOW’S TRUE END.
WHICH MEANS HULK’S PROBLEMS ALL ABOUT THE LAST 15 MINUTES IN THE FREAKING CHURCH.
HULK KNOW. HULK KNOW. LOTS OF FOLKS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE LAST SCENE AND FOR GOOD REASON, BUT HULK LISTENED/READ EVERY RESPONSE POSSIBLE. SOME TRULY GREAT, SOME INSPIRED, MOST KINDA BLAND AND UNSUPPORTED. BUT HULK ALWAYS FELT LIKE THERE SOMETHING MORE THAN THAT. SOMETHING ABOUT THAT SCENE THAT NOT JUST PROBLEMATIC, BUT SOMETHING THAT VIOLATES THE SHOW’S CORE IDENTITY.
AND HULK BELIEVE THE SOMETHING = THIS: IF LOST‘S TRANSCENDENT QUALITY HOW IT PLEASED THE MAN OF SCIENCE AND THE MAN OF FAITH, OFTEN WITH A SINGLE GESTURE, THEN WHY IN THE SERIES-DEFINING-MOMENT OF THE FINALE DID THEY DECIDE TO JUST PLAIN STOP DOING THAT?
AND NOT JUST STOP DOING THAT, BUT SEEMINGLY THUMB THEIR NOSE AT THAT CONCEPT?
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"
HULK NOT WANT RE-CAP TOO MUCH BUT IT IMPORTANT GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF FINAL SEASON AND OVERVIEW THE RELEVANT INFORMATION: UNTIL THAT POINT, MEANING PRE-SEASON 6 OPENER”LA… X”, THE SHOW CREATE A NARRATIVE THAT WORKED ON THE THREE LEVELS HULK MENTIONING ABOVE: CHARACTER/SCIENTIFIC(3)/MYTHOLOGICAL. THE PRIOR FIFTH SEASON ENDED ON PREDICATION THAT BY BLOWING UP THE H-BOMB, IT SINK THE ISLAND WOULD RESET TIME-LINE SO THAT THEY NEVER CRASHED THE ISLAND AND COULD GO ABOUT THEIR NORMAL LIVES. AND IN “LA…X” IT APPEARED TO BOTH WORK AND NOT WORK. IT ACTUALLY CREATED TWO TIME LINES: ONE REALITY WHERE THEY PRESSING FORWARD WITH ON-ISLAND ACTION AND CURRENT TIMELINE, AND ANOTHER REALITY WHERE THE BOMB SANK THE ISLAND AND THEY FIND PLANE LANDED SAFE IN L.A
AND ALL SEASON, THE AUDIENCE LEFT TO WONDER WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENING IN THIS NEW TIME-LINE REALITY WHERE THEY NEVER EXPERIENCED THE ISLAND. AT FIRST, THE SHOW WENT ON AND ON FOR HALF OF SEASON ESTABLISHING A SCIENTIFIC CONCEPT FOR TWO CONCURRENT TIME-LINES CONTINUING IN EARNEST. IT REALLY JUST SOME BASIC IDEAS IN STEPHEN HAWKING’S “A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME” REGARDING PARALLEL WORLDS CONTINUING FROM A SINGLE POINT OF INFLUENCE. THEY DIVERGE AT THAT POINT AND THE SCIENTIFIC THEORY BEHIND IT = A) RATHER SOUND AND B) A DEEPLY INTERESTING ANALYSIS OF TIME AND SPACE. THE SHOW REALLY HAMMERED THE CONCEPT HOME WHEN DANIEL FARRADAY SHOWED UP AND BASICALLY CONFIRMED ALL THIS VERBATIM… AND THEN THE SHOW SEEMED TAKE CURIOUS LEFT TURN WITH DESMOND, EVER THE CLAIRVOYANT, STARTED RUNNING AROUND TRYING TO ALMOST-KILL A TON OF PEOPLE. BESIDES BEING DOWNRIGHT ERRANT AND BIZARRE, ONE GUESSED THAT HE TRYING GET THEM TO “WAKE UP” AND BRING AWARENESS OF THEIR FORMER LIFE. HE WAS DESPERATE AND CRAZED, LIKE HE RUNNING AGAINST THE CLOCK. IT SEEMED THE GOAL NOT EXACTLY TO BRIDGE THE TWO WORLDS, BUT HULK GOT THE SENSE DESMOND NEEDED TO INFORM THE OTHERS FOR THE PURPOSE OF “SAVING” THE ISLAND MISSION AND THIS WOULD LATER HAVE ADDED BENEFIT OF GOING FORWARD IN THEIR NEW LIVES, KNOWING THEIR “OTHER” HISTORY IN THE ALTERNATIVE TIME-LINE. THE SHOW REALLY, REALLY TRIED TO MAKE THIS INTENTION CLEAR.
AND THEN IT JUST TURNED OUT THEY WERE DEAD.
OR SOMETHING.
TO BE HONEST THE MEANING OF THIS LACKS ABJECT CLARITY ON ANY LEVEL. YES THERE SOME INTENTIONAL VAGUERY INVOLVED IN THE REVEAL, BUT THE WAYS IN WHICH IT IS CLEAR LACK = COMPLETELY UNSATISFACTORY, ESPECIALLY FOR LOST STANDARDS. AND SO, THE FOLLOWING 10 PROBLEMS CONSTITUTE THE WAYS THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF FINALE ULTIMATELY FAILED THE SERIES.
"MAN. ALL THOSE TIMES WE FOUGHT AND ALMOST DIED, AND THEN ACTUALLY DIED. GOOD TIMES!"
PROBLEM #1 – IT OUTRIGHT SENTIMENTAL.
NOW, HULK NO GO SO FAR AS SAY THE ENDING CHEESY, IT JUST OVERTLY SENTIMENTAL. AS SUCH, ONE’S REACTION SORT OF DEPEND ON ONE’S THRESHOLD FOR SENTIMENTALITY. A LOT OF LOST VIEWERS OKAY WITH THE SENTIMENTAL ASPECT. THEY SAYING GOODBYE TO CHARACTERS THEY LOVE AND IT TRUE JOY TO SEE THEM BE HAPPY, YOU KNOW, SINCE ALL THE CHARACTERS GET THEIR BEAUTIFUL HAPPY-FUN-TIME MOMENT IN THE THE “PLACE THEY MADE FOR EACH OTHER” [EYE ROLL] BUT STILL, HULK’S PROBLEM NOT THAT IT SENTIMENTAL IN AND OF ITSELF, IT THAT IT THE SHOW WAS NEVER SENTIMENTAL.
HULK BET YOU MAY ARGUE THE SHOW WAS SENTIMENTAL BEFORE. THAT OKAY, BUT HULK ARGUE IT NEVER WAS. IT WAS EMOTIONAL AND THAT A HUGE DIFFERENCE. COMPARE THE FINALE TO, SAY, THE INCREDIBLE MOMENT WHERE DESMOND ABLE TO CALL PENNY ON THE PHONE FOR THAT BRIEF MOMENT ON THE FREIGHTER. AFTER AN ENTIRE NARRATIVE OF DESMOND TRYING TO REACH PENNY, IT FINALLY HAPPENS AND THE TWO OF THEM JUST SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY… HULK ADMIT. HULK TEARED UP. BUT THE MOMENT = HANDLED WITH GRACE AND BUILDUP. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHILE IT HAPPENING, WE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANT FOR THESE TWO PEOPLE AS IT WAS HAPPENING. NOW IMAGINE IF THIS EMOTIONAL MOMENT GOT THE SAME MISE EN SCENE TREATMENT AS THE FINALE. (4)
THERE VAST, INHERENT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TWO CHARACTERS COMING TOGETHER IN JOYFUL WAY, AND EVERYONE GETTING TOGETHER FOR BIG GROUP HUG ON THEIR WAY TO HEAVEN. HULK ALSO WILLING TO BET SOME READERS JUST THINK HULK BIG MEAN FUDDY-DUDDY WHO TRYING BE WAY TOO HIP TO BE SENTIMENTAL AND STUFF. THEY MIGHT THINK HULK LIKE THOSE PEOPLE WHO FIND SAP IN ANY FORM TO JUST BE SO OBVIOUSLY STUPID (POSSIBLY LIKE THE CHURCH OF SOUTH PARK). WELL YOU WRONG. HULK LOVE EMOTIONAL STORIES. HULK LOVE OPTIMISTISM AND HOPE. HULK LOVING DR. WHO FOR PETE’S SAKE! BUT LOST NEVER DARED BE SENTIMENTAL BEFORE. IT NEVER TRIED OR WANTED BE THAT KIND OF SHOW. IT WANTED TO BE DEEP. IT WANTED TO RESONATE. IT WANTED TO BE COMLEX AND EVASIVE.
SO WHY BE SENTIMENTAL NOW? SOME MAY ARGUE THE SHOW EARNED THE RIGHT TO BE SENTIMENTAL AFTER THIS LONG RUN. THAT FAIR, BUT HULK DISAGREE. A SHOW SHOULD NO CHANGE ITS IDENTITY JUST BECAUSE IT OVER. BUT EVEN IF THE SENTIMENTALITY THREW SOME PEOPLE FOR LOOP, THAT ONLY SMALL SMALL PART OF THE BIGGER PROBLEMS OF THE LAST 15 MINUTES…
"I WILL MAKE TWO DIFFERENT NARRATIVES! OR WAIT, NOT AT ALL!"
PROBLEM #2 – THE NARRATIVE FEINT
CONSIDER THE LAST SEASON AS A SINGULAR SEASON OF TELEVISION. WHAT BECOME OBVIOUSLY CLEAR, THAT THE WHOLE HAWKING-ESQUE SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION OF TWO ALTERNATIVE TIME-LINES DIVERGING FROM A POINT = NOTHING BUT A NARRATIVE FEINT BEFORE GETTING TO THE TRUE REVEAL OF THEM ALL BEING DEAD. JUST TO CLARIFY, THE WRITERS OBVIOUSLY NOT SO WILLY-NILLY THAT THEY JUST DECIDE CHANGE COURSE HALFWAY THROUGH SEASON (FINE, NEED A CONCRETE REASON? CHARLIE’S PLOT IN THE SEASON OPENER WITH HIS NEAR-DEATH. IT MAKE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR THEY KNEW WHERE THEY GOING WITH THIS PURGATORY THING). SO THE HAWKING SCIENCE STUFF MEANT AS NOTHING MORE THAN A FEINT IN THE STORY. CAUSE IT SURE AS SHIT NOT CONGRUOUS WITH WHAT FOLLOWED. SO IN TERMS OF NARRATIVE CONSTRUCTION… WHY? WHY MAKE THE SUDDEN AND BRASH ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN THE SCIENCE OF TWO TIME-LINES? ULTIMATELY, IT CAN ONLY MAKE IT FEEL HOLLOW. BECAUSE WHY WOULD A META-PURGATORY SETTING TAKE SO MUCH TIME TO TIE INTO THE H-BOMB PLAN? IT WOULD NOT. IT JUST FEELS LIKE THE WRITERS SETTING UP THE BIG CURVE AND LESS SOMETHING PURSUED FOR ITS OWN REASONS/WORTH. IT NOTHING MORE THAN AN EMPTY, HALF-SEASON-LONG RED HERRING. AND IN TERMS OF NARRATIVE, THAT FEEL DISHONEST IN WAY THE SHOW HAS NEVER FELT BEFORE. SURE, THE SHOW HAS WITHHELD THINGS BEFORE, OR DROPPED STORY LINES, OR CHANGED DIRECTION OF MEANING, BUT THOSE WERE OFTEN DONE IN THE NAME OF BUILDING TO GREATER STORY CONTENT. THE SHOW HAS NEVER DIPPED INTO OUTRIGHT FEINTING. LOST ALWAYS PLAYED A MORE DELICATE GAME THAN THAT… OR AT LEAST THEY DID UNTIL THAT MOMENT.
GEE, HULK WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN...
PROBLEM #3 – THE DRAMA SUCK
AS FOR THE ALTERNATIVE-SUNK-ISLAND-TIMELINE (HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHAT CALL IT SO IT GOING BE DIFFERENT EVERY TIME) HULK JUST WANT SAY THIS: IT WAS A DRAMA SUCK. CONFUSION AND MYSTERY ARE GREAT FOR GETTING VIEWERS INVESTED, BUT WHEN THESE THINGS IMPOSED OVER THE SAME MOMENTS THAT AUDIENCE SUPPOSED TO BE EXPERIENCING ON PURER, VISCERAL LEVEL, WHETHER IT SOMETHING FUNNY, JOYFUL, CATHARTIC, ANYTHING, THEN THE IMPOSED LAYER OF MYSTERY ROBS THE MOMENT OF IMPACT. THIS A BASIC STORYTELLING TRUTH.
SO EVERY TIME A CHARACTER “WOKE UP” IN PURGATORY, AT TIME WE NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENING. DESMOND GOING AROUND NEAR KILLING PEOPLE FOR BUNCH OF EPISODES JUST SEEMED CRAZY, BUT IT SURE AS SHIT NOT EMOTIONAL. WE NO UNDERSTAND IT. YOU MAY SAY, BUT LOST ALWAYS CRAZY! TRUE, BUT THEY SHOWCASED AMAZING ABILITY TO TOW THE LINE BETWEEN MYSTERY AND CHARACTER RESONANCE ALL THROUGHOUT THE RUN OF THE SHOW. IN SOME MOMENTS THEY WERE PERFECTLY INTERTWINED. FOR EXAMPLE, TWO CHARACTERS WOULD TALK IN RIDDLES ABOUT THE ISLAND’S MYSTERIES, BUT REALLY IT ABOUT WHAT THEIR CHARACTERS THINK OF THE ISLAND MYSTERY. IT ABOUT THEIR PERSPECTIVES. MEANWHILE, THE MYSTERY IN THE ALTERNA-TIMELINE JUST FELT BIZARRE. THE CHARACTER “WAKING UP” ONCE THEY GONE THROUGH THE RINGER OF THEIR PALE IMITATIONS OF A FORMER LIFE. AND THEN THEY JUST WENT ALL DOE-EYED AND POD PEOPLE. ON PURE DRAMA LEVEL IT NO WORK. IT UNDERMINES HOW WE EXPERIENCE THE THINGS AS AUDIENCE. WE JUST SAT AROUND WAITING IN THE FINALE FOR THEM TO RECREATE MOMENTS WE ALREADY EXPEREIENCED. ULTIMATELY, IT BORING.(5)
"LOOK I KNOW I SAID WE'D MEET UP IN HEAVEN BUT I DIDN'T THINK THAT WOULD LITERALLY FUCKING HAPPEN. SO... UM. WHERE'S NADIA?"
PROBLEM #4- SAYID/SHANNON
ADMITTEDLY SMALL, BUT SERIOUSLY… THIS JUST NO FEEL LIKE RIGHT CONCLUSION TO EITHER OF THEIR STORY-LINES… WHATSOEVER. PERHAPS PART OF THE PROBLEM THAT THE SHOW NEVER SATISFACTORILY EXPLAINED WHAT THE NADIA PLOT FULLY MEANT. HULK THINK THAT THE WRITERS ULTIMATELY WANTED CONVEY THAT SAYID AND NADIA NEVER MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. THEY TRIED, BUT IT DIDN’T WORK. JUST ONE OF THOSE STAR-CROSSED THINGS. BUT FOR SOME REASON THAT THEME NEVER STRUCK A CHORD. NOT TRULY. IF DONE BETTER, THEN PERHAPS IT SHOW SHANNON COULD HAVE BEEN THE REAL GIRL WHO SAYID HAD CONNECTION WITH… THEN AGAIN, THIS NO WORK BECAUSE: A) SHANNON JUST SORT OF SHOWS UP AT LAST SECOND IN PURGATORY WORLD AND THEY SUDDENLY THEY LOVE AND HAPPY TO GET BACK TO THE FUCKIN’. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY B) BECAUSE THAT WAS NEVER THEIR RELATIONSHIP IN FIRST PLACE. IT WAS NEVER DEEP. THEY FLIRTED. THEY ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER. THEY HAD A QUICKIE AND THEN SHANNON KILLED. SO WHY THEY SUPPOSED BE SOUL MATES NOW OR SOME SHIT? IF SHANNON SO IMPORTANT WHY DID SAYID NEVER MENTION HER AGAIN? SERIOUSLY, HULK PRETTY SURE HE NEVER MENTIONED HER AGAIN IN THE COURSE OF THE SHOW. THEY WERE JUST TWO PEOPLE WHO ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER BRIEF MOMENT. SO THE PICTURE OF BOTH OF THEM IN THE FINALE, HEADING OFF INTO SUNSET, JUST COMPLETELY WRONG.
WHOSE A LITTLE BABY? HOW OLD ARE YOU? ARE YOU EVEN HERE?
PROBLEM # 5 – BASIC LOGISTICS
SOME OF THE LOGISTICS OF THIS ALTERNA-PURGATORY ARE DOWNRIGHT NUTTERS. THERE TONS HULK COULD MENTION, LIKE HOW THERE LOTS OF NON-ISLAND PEOPLE INCLUDED IN THIS PLACE TOO, LIKE WHY WAS DESMOND SO EAGER TO RUN AROUND AND ALMOST-KILL PEOPLE WHEN REALLY THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING OUT THERE SHIT? LIKE IF JACK WAS IN PURGATORY TO DEAL WITH HIS DADDY ISSUES THEN WHY WAS HIS DAD NOT THERE UNTIL HE SHOW UP AT THE LAST SECOND TO TELL HIM HE DAD AND EVERYTHING BEING ALL BETTER FOR SOME REASON? LIKE WHERE THE FUCK ARE MICHAEL AND WALT? (ONLY TWO ORIGINAL LOSTIES NOT INCLUDED).LIKE WHERE THE HELL ARE MILES AND LAPIDUS? THEY GOT WAY MORE ISLAND TIME THAN LIBBY AND SHANNON. HULK GUESS THEY AREN’T TWO OF THE MAIN LOSTIE’S FUCK BUDDIES SO WHO CARES, RIGHT? (HULK JOKING. BUT REALLY IF YOU SOMEHOW INFER EITHER ONE IS A SOUL MATE IT IS A GRAVE OFFENSE TO THE CONCEPT. SHANNON TAPPED SAYID. AND LIBBY WAS, LIKE, THE FIRST GIRL WHO TALKED TO HURLEY. THAT NOT A SOUL MATE MAKE. (6)
BUT THE BIGGEST ROADBLOCK IN HAVING THE PURGATORY DEFINITION MAKE A LICK OF SENSE? AARON. WHY WAS HE A BABY IN THIS PURGATORY WORLD? IF THEY ONLY GO THERE WHEN EVERYONE DIE, WHY HE A BABY? HE GOT OLD RIGHT? MAYBE IT CAUSE HE WAS BABY ON ISLAND SO IT REFLECTIVE OF THAT? BUT THAT MEAN HE GOT BORN INTO PURGATORY WITH ABSOLUTELY NO UNDERSTAND. AND IF HE GET TO LIVE HIS LIFE WITH CLAIRE AND KATE IN THE REAL WORLD AFTERWARDS WHY WOULD THEIR ONLY IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM BE THE BABY ONE? … HULK MEAN… HULK BRAIN HURT… OR HECK, MAYBE AARON NOT REALLY THERE AT ALL AND IT JUST A PROP BABY. YOU KNOW, SO THAT KATE CAN HAVE HER SPIRITUAL AWAKENING MOMENT WHEN SHE SEE AARON’S HEAD CROWNING OUT CLAIRE’S VAGINA.
[KATE VIEWS BABY HEAD RIPPING AUSSIE VAGINA] KATE: “HOLY SHIT, I’M DEAD! THAT’S CRAZY! WELL, TIME TO SMILE LIKE THIS IS TOTALLY AWESOME OR SOMETHING.”(7) … THINK ABOUT IT. THAT WHAT THE WRITERS ACTUALLY DID. THEY MEANT IMPLY THAT KATE’S MOTHERHOOD ROLE = HER TRANSCENDING MOMENT, HULK KNOW, BUT THAT NOT EXACTLY HOW IT PLAYED OUT IN TERMS OF DRAMA. THERE THIS INCREDIBLE META FUNNINESS TO IT AND IT KEPT HULK LAUGHING TO HULKSELF FOR, LIKE, WEEKS.
BUT THE AARON CONUNDRUM SPEAK TO THE PROBLEMS MOST. FOR EXAMPLE, WHAT IF HULK REALLY IMPORTANT IN SOMEONE’S LIFE BUT HULK NOT REALLY CARE ABOUT THAT PERSON? DOES HULK HAVE TO SIT AROUND AND HELP SOMEONE DEAL WITH THEIR SHIT? IS IT REFLEXIVE LIKE THAT? OR IS HULK JUST A PROJECTION? AGAIN, IS AARON REAL?
*GASP* WAIT…DOES AARON JUST GET BROUGHT TO HEAVEN TO “MOVE ON” AS A BABY? DID HE NOT GET A CHANCE TO SORT OUT HIS OWN PURGATORY BASED ON THE PRESUMED LIFE HE HAD GOING FORWARD? DID HE HAVE SUCH A MEANINGLESS LIFE THAT ALL HE NEEDED TO DO TO “MOVE ON” WAS JUST BE BORN? DID HE GET NO SAY IN ANY OF THIS?!??!
…THE LOGIC SORT OF TERRIFYING.
SO NOW THEN…. THE THING ABOUT PROBLEMS 1 -5 THAT HULK NOT REALLY GIVE SHIT ABOUT THEM. IT MAY NO SEEM THAT WAY, BUT HULK ALWAYS WILLING OVERLOOK ANY PLOTHOLE, WRITING CONVENIENCE, TONE CHANGE, OR WHATEVER, AS LONG AS IT IN THE PURSUIT OF SOMETHING MORE EFFECTIVE: OFTEN A RELEVANT THEME, RELEVANT META VALUE, OR HELL, EVEN A REALLY GOOD JOKE. BUT IT HAVE BE IN THE NAME OF SOMETHING WORTHY… TURNS OUT PROBLEMS 1-5 ACT MORE INDICATORS OF BIGGER ISSUES. THE REAL PROBLEM WITH THE LAST 15 MINUTES NOT THAT DECISIONS NO LOGISTICALLY COMPUTE. IT THAT THEY NO THEMATICALLY COMPUTE…
PROBLEM #6 – WAIT, WHY THEY ALL TOGETHER AGAIN?
SO THEIR PURGATORY-HEAVEN-THINGY = THE PLACE BUILT FOR EACH OTHER. FINE. BUT WHY EXACTLY DID THEY DO THAT? EVEN THOUGH THERE A FEW GREAT CORE RELATIONSHIPS, HULK FELT MOST OF THESE PEOPLE BARELY KNEW ONE ANOTHER. IT 6 YEARS OF TV SHOW, BUT IN SHOW TIME TERMS SOME SPENT AS LITTLE AS 40 DAYS TOGETHER, IF THAT (SORRY BOONE). AND WITH THE ACT INTERACTIONS SOME ONLY SPOKE A FEW TIMES AT MOST. THIS BECAUSE THE THEMATIC RESONANCE OF LOST‘S FIRST SEASON (THE BEST SEASON BY THE WAY) DEALT ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T KNOW/TRUST EACH OTHER TRYING TO SURVIVE TOGETHER, WHICH IS WHY THE STORY NARRATIVE LARGELY CENTERED AROUND THEIR OWN BACK STORIES AND PERSONAL DEMONS. WHILE A FEW LOSTIES DID END UP BECOMING CLOSE, MOST SPENT THE ENTIRE SHOW REMAINING AT A DISTANCE, BASICALLY FOCUSING ON THEIR OWN INTERNAL SHIT.
SO WHY THE HELL WAS THE END THE SHOW WAS ULTIMATELY SAYING THAT THE CAMARADERIE AND FRIENDSHIP = THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THEY EVER HAD? HULK KNOW THAT IT A VALUABLE MESSAGE WORTHY OF ANY SHOW, HELL, IT EVEN A GREAT FINAL MESSAGE FOR LOST… EXCEPT THE SHOW RARELY TRIED TO IMPLY THEIR DEFINITION OF DEPENDENCE WAS SYNONYMOUS WITH “FRIENDSHIP.” THE JOURNEYS WERE LARGELY SOLITARY. SO WHEN THE SHOW HAS THIS ENDING WHERE THEY JUST ALL SO HAPPY TO BE TOGETHER LIKE THEY ALL WERE IN THE SAME FRAT OR SOMETHING, IT NO COMPUTE. THE SHOW, FORALL IT’S “LIVE TOGETHER, DIE ALONE” MANTRA, RARELY TRIED TO PURSE THE TRUTH ABOUT THE TOGETHER, AND REMAINED FIXATED ON THE ALONE.
BUT MORE THAN THAT, THE THINKING IMPLIES A FIXED “ISLAND-ONLY” LIFE FOR THESE PEOPLE. YES, HULK KNOW THEY ALL GOT CALLED TO ISLAND FOR THE IMPORTANT DEED OF POSSIBLY TAKING OVER FOR JACOB (THE RELATIVE WORTH OF THAT KINDA SHADY TOO) BUT MOST LOSTIES HAD ALL THESE OTHER RELEVANT THINGS IN THEIR LIVES. KATE PRESUMABLY WENT BACK AND RAISED AARON AND DO WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE. CLAIRE TOO. DID HER AND AARON GROW UP TO HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP? DID SAWYER HAVE ANOTHER LIFE? DID THEY FIND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS TO SHARE THEIR JOY WITH? ALL OF THEM, WHAT DID THEY DO AFTER? BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEIR JOURNEY INTO THE AFTERLIFE INVOLVES ALL THE PEOPLE FROM THE PSYCHO-ISLAND AND NOT THE PRESUMED LOVED ONES THEY SPENT THE REST OF THEIR LIVES WITH. IT CONJECTURE, BUT BASED ON THE DEFINITION OF THE PURGATORY IT HIGHLY RELEVANT CONJECTURE.
IT GET AT HEART OF WHY THE WHOLE LAST 15 MINUTES JUST FEEL WRONG. HULK KNOW RELATIONSHIPS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE, BUT REALLY, WHY IT THESE RELATIONSHIPS??!?!? THE SHOW NEVER TRULY SUPPORTED THE IDEA BEHIND THIS KIND OF HAPPY GATHERING FOR THEM. FOR FUCK SAKE CLAIRE, MOST OF THESE PEOPLE LEFT YOU THERE OR TRIED TO KILL YOU. AND AGAIN, HULK’S POINTS ABOVE WITH THE SAYID/SHANNON THING SORT OF HIGHLIGHT THE ABSURDITY OF ALL OF IT.
SO WHY DO IT? UNFORTUNATELY, THE ONLY ANSWER TIE BACK TO SENTIMENTALITY. BECAUSE ON A THEMATIC LEVEL… IT JUST NOT MAKE SENSE FOR LOST… EMOTIONALLY, IT JUST FELT LIKE THE CONSOLATION PRIZE.
PROBLEM #7 – PURGATORY DUPLICITY – WE ALREADY BEEN THERE!
SO, WITH THE ALTERNATIVE TIME-LINE, THEY WERE BASICALLY IN LITERAL PURGATORY…. HERE THE THING: THEY ALREADY WERE IN PURGATORY. FROM ONSET OF SHOW THE AUDIENCE GUESSED THE ISLAND = PURGATORY. THE SHOW RUNNERS CAME OUT SURPRISINGLY EARLY ON AND SAID THIS NOT CASE. BUT THE REASONS EVERYONE GUESSED THAT BECAUSE THE SHOW SO CLEARLY AND OBVIOUSLY USED THE ISLAND AS SYMBOLIC PURGATORY. ALL THE CHARACTERS ARRIVED IN PLANE CRASH, THEY LITERALLY “LOST,” THEY EACH BROUGHT WITH THEM A GREAT DEAL OF EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE, SO THEY SORTED OUT THEIR SHIT ON MYSTICAL ISLAND AND PROMPTLY DROPPED DEAD THE MOMENT THEY FIGURED IT OUT. MEANING THEY “MOVED ON” SO TO SPEAK…
SO… WHAT… THE ALTERNA-TIMELINE LIKE… SECOND PURGATORY? HULK AWARE THERE SEVERAL HINDU/OTHER RELIGIOUS TENETS INVOLVED IN THIS IDEA AND REPEATING LIFE UNTIL BE COME MORE AND MORE PURE (MMORSE DOES GREAT JOB EXPLAINING THIS IN COLUMN HULK LINKING TOO LATER SO HULK NOT GOING BOTHER EXPLAINING IT WORSE) FOR HULK, THIS UTILIZATION NOT EXACTLY WORK, BUT FOR SAKE OF ARGUMENT, LET’S ALL SAY EVERYONE ON BOARD WITH THE CONCEPT AND FIND IT INTERESTING: THE LOSTIES REPEATING THIER LIVES, GETTING IT MORE PERFECT, SO THEY CAN ASCEND TO THE FINAL HEAVEN… FINE… BUT IT STILL THE DRAMATIZATION OF THE EXACT SAME THING EXPERIENCED ONCE BEFORE. WITH THE RARE EXCEPTION, THE ALTERNA-TIMELINE NOT THEM GETTING SECOND CHANCES TO DO THINGS THEY NEVER DID. THEY ALREADY DID THEM. ALL THE LESSONS THE MAIN CHARACTERS LEARNED WERE THINGS THEY ALREADY LEARNED ON ISLAND. WHY WASTE A WHOLE SEASON ON IT? IT COMPLETELY WITHOUT DRAMA. BUT EVEN WORSE, IT COMPLETELY WITHOUT POINT.
SERIOUSLY, ASIDE FROM SOME SHEDDING LIGHT ON HINDU CONCEPTS OF MULTIPLE LIFES, WHAT WAS NEW THEMATIC THING EXPRESSED IN THE PURGATORY PLOTLINE? HULK TRULY BELIEVE THAT IF THE SHOW DITCHED THE ENTIRE PURGATORY PLOTLINE AND THE ENDING CHURCH THEME, THE SHOW WOULD NOT HAVE LOST A SINGLE CRITICAL THEME WITH THE CHARACTERS.
THINK ABOUT IT, ON THE ISLAND: JACK LEARNED TO EMBRACE HIS DEATH. KATE EMBRACED MOTHERHOOD. SAWYER EMBRACED TAKING CARE OF OTHERS AND FRIENDS. HURLEY EMBRACED LEADERSHIP AND RESPONSIBILITY. BEN LINUS ACCEPTED HIS GUILT AND MISDEEDS. JIN AND SUN ACCEPTED EACH OTHER (REMEMBER: IN THE FIRST SEASON THAT WAS THEIR CENTRAL PROBLEM. THEIR PLOTLINE ESSENTIALLY RESOLVED AFTER 3 SEASONS SO THE SHOW SPENT THE NEXT 3 SEASONS JUST KEEPING THEM APART). MICHAEL ACCEPTED RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS AND RETURNED TO THE ISLAND, SACRIFICING HIMSELF ON THE FREIGHTER. CLAIRE ACCEPTED THAT SHE HAVE PRETTY SERIOUS CASE OF POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION. SHANNON ACCEPTED NOT BEING SUCH A PRISS AND SLEPT WITH A MINORITY (OH COME ON). MILES ACCEPTED THAT HE IS AWESOME… AND LOCKE… WELL MAYBE LOCKE THE ONLY ONE WHO DIFFERENT BECAUSE HIS LAST MOMENTS INVOLVED HIS ACCEPTANCE THAT HE A CONFUSED, GULLIBLE FOOL… HOW SAD(18). BOONE ACCEPTED THAT HE WAS LOCKE’S LACKEY/TOOL (SERIOUSLY, THIS JUST RECONFIRMED IN THE PURGATORY PLOT LINE). JULIET ACCEPTED THAT SAWYER WILL ALWAYS HAVE A BONER FOR KATE SO THE ONLY WAY TO GET HIM TO COMMIT IS TO DIE (OKAY THAT NOT WHAT THAT SAYING, BUT COME ON, SHE CAN ONLY LOCK THAT DOWN IF KATE’S NOT AROUND). CHARLIE ACCEPTED THAT HE’S SEMI-WORTHLESS AND ONLY GOOD FOR A GIRL WHO HAS GOT MAJOR DADDY/BABY-DADDY ISSUES… OKAY SO EVEN THOUGH HULK JOKING WITH A BUNCH OF THESE AT THE END, THE POINT THAT ALL THEIR ISSUES ALREADY SOLVED ON A THEMATIC LEVEL, SO THERE NOTHING REALLY TO BE ADDED IN THE “DO OVER.”
HULK JUST CAN NO GET OVER IT. THE FINALE JUST FELT LIKE WAITING FOR CHARACTERS TO JUMP THROUGH HOOPS AND BEATS THAT ALREADY HAPPENED. THERE NOTHING “NEW” TO IT. THEIR MOMENTS OF TRANSCENDENCE = EMOTIONAL BEATS WE ALREADY HAD SATISFACTION OF REALIZING.
ON A THEMTATIC LEVEL IT REPETITIVE. AND ON A DRAMATIC LEVEL IT DOWNRIGHT SUCKS.
IN SCREENWRITING, THERE A LOT OF TALK ABOUT CLARITY AND ECONOMY. A MOVIE OR TV SHOW MEANT TO OPERATE IN TERMS OF BOTH. HULK KNOW THAT LOST BOTH THRIVED IN AND OPERATED UNDER THE VEIL OF MYSTERY AND ALLURE. BUT CLARITY AND ECONOMY MATTER IN THE LONG RUN. AND THE FINALE’S ENDING REVEAL HIGHLIGHTED A COMPLETE DISINTEREST IN BOTH OF THEM.
"TRUST ME, I WAS A TERRIBLE DOCTOR, I DESTROYED YOUR CHILDHOOD, MY TAKEN FORM DIRECTED YOU TO CERTAIN DOOM, AND I HAUNTED YOUR DREAMS. BUT TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN KIDDO, YOU'RE DEAD!"
PROBLEM # 8 – THE LECTURE
THERE FAMOUS ANECDOTE FROM THE FIRST FEW SEASONS OF LOST, IN WHICH THE WRITERS SAID IF THE SHOW EVER CANCELED, A TALKING MONKEY WOULD COME OUT AND EXPLAIN THE UNSOLVED CORE MYSTERIES OF THE SHOW VERBATIM. THE IDEA QUITE FUNNY, AND HULK ALWAYS APPRECIATED THE WRITERS’ CANDOR IN KNOWING THAT IT WOULD BE THE HILARIOUS/COMPLETELY UNSATISFACTORY WAY TO HANDLE THE STOPPAGE OF THE STORY AND WRAP UP THE MYSTERY.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE LAST 15 MINUTES CAME WAY TOO CLOSE TO THE MONKEY SPEECH.
IN THE ENDING MOMENTS, AS HULK SAT BEFORE HULK’S TV, WATCHING THE LAST FEW MINUTES, HULK WAS DEEPLY WORRIED AND INTERESTED, ACHING FOR STORY AND THEMATIC CLARITY. THEN CHRISTIAN SHEPARD LOOKED ALMOST DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA AND LECTURED RIGHT AT HULK, TELLING HULK A GREAT DEAL OF WISHY-WASHY SENTIMENTS AND WAS ESSENTIALLY BEING EVASIVE. MORE SO, HE SAYING THAT SAYING HIS EVASIVENESS CRITICAL TO HULK’S CATHARSIS… NOW… HULK WOULD HOPE AT THIS POINT IT EVIDENT THAT HULK NOT SOME SNOT-NOSED, HIGH-SCHOOL-LEVEL, INDIGNANT TWERP WHO NO LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO THINK. THAT NOT HULK AND THAT NOT WHAT HAPPENING HERE… IT JUST THERE A LEVEL OF EGREGIOUS HALF-TRUTH COMING ACROSS FROM A CHARACTER WHO NOW SUPPOSED TO BE REPRESENTING ABSOLUTE PERFECT WISDOM. AND THE HALF-TRUTH CONCERNS THE DISMISSAL OF CURIOSITY IN FAVOR OF EMBRACING UNKNOWABLE COMPLEXITY. JACK WANTS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENING AROUND HIM AND CHRISTIAN TELLING HE CAN NEVER KNOW. NOR SHOULD HE TRY TO KNOW. HE MUST EMBRACE HIS LACK OF UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPT IT. CASTING ASIDE THE RAMIFICATIONS OF THOSE WORDS (AND ODD POLITICAL DEDUCTIONS THAT COME WITH IT), THERE SOMETHING TO THE OUTRIGHT TELLING THAT DEEPLY UNSATISFACTORY. IT NOT JUST WITHHOLDING, BUT IT OUTRIGHT TELLING THE AUDIENCE “HEY! I’M BEING WITHHOLDING! DEAL WITH IT!” IT FAR MORE PATRONIZING THEN THE MERE DRAMATIZATION OF WITHOLDING, WHICH WHEN DONE WELL CAN BE TRANSCENDENT (I.E. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, MADE ROUGHLY SOME OF THE SAME POINTS IN STARK, GORGEOUS, DRAMATIZED FASHION). HECK, THERE PLENTY OF TIMES LOST DRAMATIZED THIS VERY SAME IDEA TO INCREDIBLE EFFECT (WHAT’S DOWN IN THE HATCH? WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THE BOMB WENT OFF), ETC. THAT SPOKE TO THE VERY SAME IDEA…. ONLY IT NOT A LECTURE.
BELIEVE HULK, THE DRAMATIC LEVEL OF TO THE LAST 15 MINUTES = ABSOLUTELY PARAMOUNT. AT THAT MOMENT, THE AUDIENCE MIRED IN NOTHING BUT CONFUSION, TRYING FOLLOW ALONG AND UNDERSTAND. AND HULK IMAGINE THAT MUCH OF WHAT HAPPENING HAVE BE REALIZED, NOT TOLD. CATHARSIS SHOULD BE EXPERIENCED, ESPECIALLY AN INTENDED CATHARSIS THAT MEANT TO BE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE SHOW. IT THE OLD ADAGE OF “SHOW DON’T TELL” SO WHY THE LAST MOMENTS OF THE SHOW A LECTURE DIRECTLY TO THE AUDIENCE? COMPARE IT TO THE MATRIX RELOADED, WHICH NO MATTER HOW INTERESTING A CONVERSATION, RELIED ON A LECTURE FOR A CLIMAX. EVEN COMPARE IT TO RESOLUTION OF LOST‘S ON-ISLAND PLOTLINE, WITH THE OBVIOUS METAPHOR OF THE CORK IN THE BOTTLE… IT A MOMENT GROUNDED WITH AS LITTLE INFORMATION AS POSSIBLE, BUT FULL OF EMOTION AND BEAUTIFUL IMAGERY SO WE GET IT… IT NOT A LECTURE.
SO WHAT IF THE CHURCH SCENE HAD MORE OF DRAMA AND RELIED ON IMAGERY? WOULD IT HAVE BEEN SO PAINFULLY OVERT WITHOUT THE LECTURE? IF IT JUST SHOWED THE CHARACTERS HUGGING AND GOING INTO THE LIGHT? WOULD NOT HULK HAVE UNDERSTOOD THE THE SHOW WAS BEING SYMBOLICALLY WITHHOLDING AND LET HULK MAKE UP HULK’S OWN GODDAMN MIND? WHAT IF IT WAS ALL UNSAID?
HULK THINK IT BETTER THAN SOME GUY NAME CHRISTIAN SHEPARD SPITTING HALF-TRUTHS.
PICTURED: A CHURCH
PROBLEM #9 – THINGS JUST GOT ECUMENICAL UP IN HERE!
THE ENDING SCENE IN THE CHURCH ULTIMATELY JUST ABOUT CHRISTIANITY, EVEN IF HULK NOT SURE THAT DARLTON’S INTENTION. YOU MAY SAY, “BUT HULK, ALL THOSE DIFFERENT RELIGIONS REPRESENTED IN THE WINDOW! IT ABOUT ALL THE FAITHS!” … RIGHT.
FIRST OFF, HULK WANT BE REAL CAREFUL HERE. IN DISCUSSING VARIOUS TAKES ON NOT JUST RELIGION BUT SPIRITUALITY, THERE A BIG CHANCE TO OFFEND. PLEASE KNOW THAT NOT HULK’S INTENTION. HULK KNOW IT DANGEROUS GROUND BECAUSE THESE CONCEPTS NOT JUST PERSONAL, BUT INTRINSIC TO ONE’S IDENTITY. SO JUST KNOW THAT HULK TALKING ABOUT THEM IN TERMS OF CLARITY OF EXPRESSED IDEA AND NOT, YOU KNOW, ACTUAL BELIEFS. IT THEOLOGICAL CONVERSATION IN THE REALM OF PHILOSOPHY AND SCIENCE, NOTHING MORE… SO CONCERNING THE WHOLE CHURCH SCENE:
FIRST OFF YOU CAN CALL IT “THE CHURCH SCENE” AND EVERYONE ON PLANET KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT. SHIT, JUST GOOGLE IT AND SEE WHAT COME UP. THIS PERHAPS IMPLIES THE FINAL SCENE NOT AS PANTHEISTIC AS INTENDED. IT MEANT TO BE SO MUCH MORE, BUT IT ULTIMATELY JUST THE CHURCH SCENE. AND IT REALLY NOT REPRESENT “ALL FAITHS” IN THE WAY IT THINK IT DOES.
IT CALLED BEING ECUMENICAL. SOME HISTORY: THE ECUMENICAL MOVEMENT AIMED TO COMBINE THE CHRISTIAN FAITHS INTO UNIFIED GROUP, TO BOTH END STRIFE/ACHIEVE PEACE/CREATE SINGULAR CHRISTIAN MESSAGE. IN RECENT YEARS, ECUMENICISM COME TO DEFINE THE DESIRE TO BE INCLUSIVE OF ALL THE WORLD’S FAITHS INTO A SINGULAR MESSAGE OF PEACE, SIMILARITY AND COHESIVENESS. IT OBVIOUSLY SIMILAR TO UNITARIANISM, BAHA’I, THE NEW MONASTICS, AND OTHER MOVEMENTS THAT SEEM WELL-MEANING AND OFTEN PUTTING LOTS GOOD OUT IN THE WORLD. BUT THE PROBLEM WITH THIS KIND OF “INCLUSIVE” THINKING SORT OF OBVIOUS: IT DONE THROUGH THE LENS OF CHRISTIANITY (OR INSERT WHATEVER CHIEF RELIGION THE MOVEMENT CENTERED AROUND). OFTEN TIMES WE AS INCLUSIVE-CULTURE LIKE TO BELIEVE RELIGION ALL SAYING THE SAME THING. HULK NOT DENYING THERE VAST AMOUNT OF OVERLAP. NEARLY ALL HAVE VERSIONS OF CHRIST-LIKE FIGURES, VIRGIN MARYS, ANGELS, DEMONS, ETC. BUT WHAT IT REALLY DOING = JUST LOOKING FOR THE WAYS OTHER RELIGIONS LIKE CHRISTIANITY, NOT THE WAYS THE DIFFERENT. AND IT LARGELY THE WAYS IN WHICH RELIGIONS DIFFERENT THAT DEFINE THEM.
IT SURELY NOT INTENTIONAL, BUT THE LENS OF THE BASE RELIGION SKEWS EVERYTHING. SOMETIMES IT NOT EVEN ALL THAT STRONG A DIFFERENCE. BOTH CHRISTIANITY AND HINDUISM HAVE A “FINAL ASCENDANCY” BUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN HOW THOSE EXPRESSED/REALIZED = VITAL. AND SOMETIMES THE ECUMENICAL INCLINATION NEED NOT BE CONCRETE IN TERMS OF THEOLOGY. IT CAN BE MORE ABOUT LIFESTYLE. MEANING THE INCLINATION TOWARD ECUMENICISM CAN END UP GLOSSING OVER THE COMPLICATIONS IN FAVOR OF HOMOGENIZED IDEAS. LIKE HOW SO MANY PEOPLE USE THE TENETS OF BUDDHISM TO APPROPRIATE SENSE OF BALANCE AND INNER PEACE IN OUR CRAZED WESTERN CULTURE. THE PROBLEM IS THE CENTRAL IDEAL OF BUDDHISM ACTUALLY FAIRLY DARK. IT ABOUT THE ABANDONING SUFFERING, WHICH ESSENTIALLY MEANS TURNING YOUR BACK ON THE WORLD AND NOT BEING INVESTED IN ANYTHING. SO YEAH… NOT EXACTLY A COMMUNAL SOLUTION, BUT MORE IMPORTANT IT NOT REALLY BHUDDISM. THE PROBLEM THAT YOU NOT APPROXIMATING YOUR RELIGION INTO THE WORLD, YOU APPROXIMATING THE WORLD’S REALITIES INTO YOUR RELIGION/LIFESTYLE. AND THAT SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY.
NOW OF COURSE THIS ALL BETTER THAN THE BLIND DOGMATISM THAT COMES WITH CERTAIN RELIGIOUS FERVOR. HULK WILL TAKE ECUMENICISM IN THE FACE OF EXTERNALIZED HATRED EVERY SINGLE TIME. AFTER ALL, “BEING RELIGIOUS IS THE HUMBLE BELIEF THAT ALL OTHER RELIGIONS ARE WRONG.” BUT EVEN ECUMENICISM STILL ABOUT TAKING WHAT YOU WANT AND APPROPRIATING INTO YOUR OWN VIEW. IN THE INHERENT BASTARDIZATION OF SOMETHING THAT, ON A PHILOSOPHICAL LEVEL, SUPPOSED TO BE THOUGHT OF AS COMPLET. (NOTE: HULK NOT THINK ANY RELIGION SHOULD BE VIEWED AS “COMPLETE” HULK JUST WANTED HIGHLIGHT THE PARADOX OF ECUMENICISM BEING MORE RELIGION-LIKE THAN ONE THINKS. INSTEAD OF RULES, FLEXIBILITY BECOMES THE RULE. ANYCRAP, THIS GETTING REFLEXIVE SO HULK SHOULD MOVE ON).
REALLY THE WHOLE THING ABOUT ECUMENICAL ACTUALLY BEING GOOD OR BAD = SEPARATE THEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT THAT WHOLLY DEPENDENT ON WHETHER OR NOT ONE RELIGIOUS. SO HULK NOT GOING GO DOWN THAT ROAD. HULK WOULD JUST ADDRESS ONE ASPECT OF IT: ONE COULD ARGUE WE LARGELY A CHRISTIAN CULTURE AND SO THAT JUST WHAT THEY USING TO EXPRESS THE IDEAS… FINE… BUT SOMETHING TELL HULK THAT NOT HOW WHAT DARLTON WANTED DO. HULK THINK THEY WANTED TO BE REPRESENTATIVE OF A SINGULAR MONO-RELIGION AND DID ODDLY PISS-POOR JOB AT IT. SUFFICE TO SAY THAT THIS DISPLAY OF ECUMENICISM NOT AN IDEAL REPRESENTATION OF PANTHEISM.
AND THE MOST RELEVANT POINT = THIS: LOST USUALLY SUPER GOOD ABOUT SHYING AWAY BEING ECUMENICAL. THESE GUYS SUPER-WELL-FUCKING READ AND KNOW THEIR THEOLOGY, SO THE SHOW RARELY TREATED IT AS MERE LIP SERVICE. THE SHOW PRESENTED VARIOUS RELIGIOUS CONCEPTS AND SIGNATURES TIME AND TIME AGAIN OVER THE SERIES, ALL HINTING THAT THAT THEY A PART OF AN INDEPENDENT CENTRAL ISLAND MONO-MYTH, A GREAT HUMAN CONCEPT BEYOND RELIGION ITSELF… BUT THE IDEAS NEVER AS CONCRETE AND TANGIBLE AS THEY WERE IN THE PURGATORY CHURCH. SURE, THEY HINTED, BUT EVEN WHEN RELIGIOUS, IT RARELY FELT RELIGIOUS. NO BIG AFTERLIFE. NO CHURCH GATHERINGS. USUALLY SOME NATURAL EVENT WOULD HAPPEN AND ONE CHARACTER WOULD SEE IT THROUGH THE LENS OF FAITH AND ANOTHER THROUGH THE LENS OF SCIENCE. THE CHARACTERS WOULD HAVE THEIR OWN IDEAS AND USE THEIR OWN ISLAND TOOLS, RELIGIOUS OR SCIENTIFIC, TO TRY AND DISCERN, BUT THE SHOW ITSELF HAD DISTINCTLY NEUTRAL TONE ON THE MATTER. EVEN THE INFAMOUS JACOB/MIB EPISODE HAD CONTEXT-LESS LIGHT/ENERGY DESCRIPTION; THE CONTEXT-LESS CORK; ALL OF IT PART OF THE SHOW’S OWN MONO-MYTH AND THEY WORK. ALL BECAUSE THEY PLAYED INTO BASIC STORY THEMATICS.
WHICH JUST MAKES THE CHURCH SCENE FINALE PRETTY FUCKING WEIRD. IT DISTURBINGLY ECUMENICAL. THE CHURCH. THE PEWS. CHRISTIAN SHEPARD. AND EVEN ALL THE OTHER RELIGIOUS SYMBOLS ETCHED INTO A STAIN GLASSED WINDOW AND THERE FEW THINGS MORE CHRISTIAN THAN A STAIN GLASSED WINDOW. NO TELL HULK THE PRODUCTION DESIGN OF ALL THIS NO MATTER. IT MATTER MORE THAN ANYTHING. AND IT MAKE THE SPIRITUAL INCLUSIVENESS FEEL LIKE LIP SERVICE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SHOW’S HISTORY. IT ABSOLUTELY OVERT. IN THE SHOW’S FINAL MOMENTS, IT TOOK A SHOW THAT ALWAYS FLIRTED WITH THE CONCEPTS OF RELIGION, APPROPRIATED THEM INTO SOMETHING BIGGER, AND THEN JUST TOOK EVERYTHING IN A DEEPLY RELIGIOUS AND ODDLY CHRISTIAN TURN.
AND IT’S AN EVEN BIGGER PROBLEM WHEN THEY IMPLIED THE FOLLOWING:
IDIOT
PROBLEM #10 – THE BIG ONE – THE MAN OF SCIENCE IS A FOOL
THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF LOST JUST FOR THE MAN OF FAITH.
AND HULK CANNOT RECONCILE THAT. HULK HAS TRIED FOREVER TO TRY AND MAKE THE FINALE WORK IN HULK’S BRAIN, TO WRESTLE STUFF OUT OF THAT LAST SCENE AND APPROXIMATE SOMETHING THAT RESONATES. SOMETIMES IT FEEL LIKE HULK COME CLOSE. LOOKING AT THE HISTORY OF THE SHOW AND PARTICULARLY SOME INFO IN THE LAST SEASON, IT REVEAL SOME BITS OF HOPE. HULK WILL SOON LINK TO MMORSE’S GREAT BIT ABOUT MINKOWSKI SPACE (WHICH OBVIOUSLY RELEVANT BECAUSE THE MINKOWSKI CHARACTER APPEAR REGULARLY). BUT THE THEORY ESSENTIALLY WORK LIKE THIS: THE WHITE BALL OF LIGHT AT CENTER OF ISLAND, FOR ITS MANY PURPOSES AND REPRESENTATIONS, ALSO A BIG BALL OF MINKOWSKI SPACE THAT ABSORB THE LOSTIES IN DEATH AND CREATE THIS PURGATORY WE NOW SEE. THIS RELEVANT BECAUSE MINKOWSKI SPACE APPROXIMATES SPACE TIME AND MEASURES IT WITH ONE TIME-LIKE DIMENSION (MEANING TIME CONVERGES, “THERE IS NO ‘NOW’ NOW”). AND THAT THE FINALE’S SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION. IT ALMOST ADEQUATE. BUT REALLY, WATCHING THAT SCENE IN THE CHURCH, WATCHING THAT ENTIRE PURGATORY STORYLINE IN LAST SEASON… IT NOT PRESENT IN THE SAME WAY SCIENCE OR NEUTRALITY OFTEN PRESENT IN THE SHOW. IT SHOWN IN COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY.
TO ILLUSTRATE WHY THIS A PROBLEM, HULK GOING TO COMPARE IT TO ANOTHER SHOW THAT CREATED A THEORETICALLY VERSION OF THE AFTERLIFE: SIX FEET UNDER DID A BRIEF EXPLORATION OF “HEAVEN” THAT ALSO EXPLORED THE SCIENTIFIC CONCEPTS OF DEATH, PARALLEL LIVES, REALITY, AND EVEN MINKOWSKI SPACE. AND QUITE FRANKLY, THEY DID IT IN FAR MORE INTERESTING WAY. NOT THAT HULK SAYING LOST SHOULD HAVE APED 6 FEET OR ANYTHING, THE TONES OF THE TWO SHOWS QUITE DIFFERENT, BUT THERE SEVERAL LESSONS LOST SHOULD HAVE ABSORBED. FOR ONE, IT SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A LARGER CUE ON THE “NO TELL” POLICY. HULK REFERENCED THE “THE LECTURE” ABOVE AND IT SO SURPRISING TO HULK THEY NO PUSHED IT FURTHER. LOST CERTAINLY A WEIRD AND COMPLEX ENOUGH SHOW TO GET AWAY WITH LOT MORE INTERESTING THINGS: VISUALS. TRANSITIONS. CINEMATICS. METAPHOR. SO WHY CONVEY THEIR POINT WITH AN INSANELY LINEAR PATH ABOUT THE VAGUERY OF DEATH EXPLAINED TO US VERBATIM? SIX FEET UNDER SIMPLY EXPOSED THE CHARACTERS TO THE CINEMATIC REALITY OF MINKOWSKI SPACE, WHOSE STRANGE, ABSTRACT ASPECTS WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE FOR LOST (MINUS THE “QUIRK” OF COURSE) . SO WHY NO GO THERE? THE SHOW EASILY EARNED THE RIGHT TO GO OUTRIGHT CEREBRAL. IT CONSTANTLY FAVORED METAPHOR. BUT IN THE END, IT INSTEAD OPTED TO KEEP THINGS ODDLY LOGISTIC. SADLY, THIS CHOICE TO BE OVERTLY STRAIGHT-FORWARD ONLY HIGHLIGHTED THE WAYS IN WHICH IT NOT LOGISTIC AT ALL.
EVEN WORSE IT LECTURED SOMETHING HULK FIND TO BE VERY OBJECTIONABLE WITHIN CONTEXT OF SHOW. THEY BASICALLY IMPLIED: THERE SOME THINGS SCIENCE CAN NO FIGURE OUT SO ULTIMATELY YOU HAVE TO GO ON FAITH. IT THE ONLY TRUE PATH TO “MOVING ON.”
WHY WOULD LOST EVER SAY THAT?
SURE, CHARACTERS ARGUED THAT VERY PERSPECTIVE BEFORE IN THE SHOW. BUT THEY JUST THAT. A PERSPECTIVE. ONE SIDE OF THE COIN. THE BLACK AND WHITE. JUST PART OF THE DUALITY LOST FOUND SO INTERESTING. EVEN WITH JACK’S STORYLINE AND HIS REALIZATION THAT LOCKE WAS “RIGHT,” THAT OBVIOUSLY TALKING MORE ABOUT FAITH IN SELF AND INSTINCT. THE FAITH TO HELP AND HAVE ACCEPTANCE. IT A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT KIND OF FAITH. BUT IN THE FINAL MOMENTS OF LOST, THE TRADITIONAL VERSION BLIND FAITH BECAME THE SHOW’S OUTRIGHT PERSPECTIVE. IT CEASED NEUTRALITY. MAYBE THEY MEANT ONLY TO SPEAK TO THE NATURE OF DEATH (WHICH HULK COULD ARGUE NOT EXACTLY TRUE (9)), BUT IT SPEAK TO SOMETHING HULK FIND VERY UNSETTLING…
GOING BACK TO LOOK OVER THE SHOW, THERE WHOLE BUNCH OF REOCCURRING PLOTS THAT FEATURE SCIENTISTS MISUSING THE “UNIQUE PROPERTIES” OF THE ISLAND, WHICH BASICALLY WE FIND OUT = THE CENTRAL WHITE LIGHT. AT FIRST, HULK JUST THOUGHT IT OVERT WARNING ABOUT REAPING THE LIGHT OF EARTH/RESOURCES, OR THE APPLICATION OF SCIENCE TO HORRIFIC MEANS MEANS (H BOMBS AND SUCH). WHICH, YOU KNOW, TOTALLY REASONABLE THING TO SAY AND HULK ON BOARD. BUT THE REALIZATION OF THE FINALE IMPLY IT MORE TROUBLING THAN THAT. THE LIGHT NOT JUST THE “ENGINE OF THE WORLD,” THE LIGHT = “MINKOWSKI SPACE/HEAVEN.” SO WOULD THIS NOT BE SAYING THAT SCIENCE INTENTIONALLY CANNOT GRASP THE NATURE OF CREATION? OR THE CREATIVE INSTINCT? OR THE AFTERLIFE? THAT IT CAN ONLY MANIPULATE AND RUIN IT? WHETHER INTENTIONAL OR NOT, IT IMPLY THAT SCIENCE INHERENTLY CORRUPTS. THAT IT DESTROYS THE AFTERLIFE AND TO KILL IT WOULD BE TO EXTINGUISH THE VERY MEANING OF LIFE.
IT IMPLIES SCIENCE ROBS US OF HEAVEN.
AND HULK THOUGHT THE WHOLE TIME LOST BEEN ARGUING THAT SCIENCE AND RELIGION THE SAME DAMN THING. BUT THROUGH THE LENS OF THE FINALE, IT REALLY NOT IMPLYING THAT WHATSOEVER. EVEN GOING BACK TO THE PARALLEL TIME-LINE HAWKING IDEA CREATED IN “LA…X”, IF IT JUST A RED HERRING AND THE PURSUIT OF SCIENCE JUST SOMETHING THAT CORRUPT HEAVEN, THEN THEY UNINTENTIONALLY DISCOUNTING THE WORK AND MESSAGE OF ONE STEPHEN HAWKING, A MAN THEY CLEARLY LAUD (REALLY, THEY USE THE IDEAS, BUT THEY ULTIMATELY SAYING IT NOT TRUE).
MAYBE NONE OF THIS INTENTIONAL. IN THAT CASE IT STRIKE HULK AS A MASSIVELY MISGUIDED USE OF METAPHOR. THEY MEANT ONE THING, AND WHOLLY IMPLIED ANOTHER.
NOW BEFORE JUMP ON HULK OVER SOMETHING OBVIOUS, OF COURSE THERE THINGS SCIENCE NOT FIGURE OUT YET. BUT HULK ARGUE THAT EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE SCIENCE. TO TRY AND FIGURE IT OUT. TO STRIVE AND COME TO GRIPS WITH THE WORLD AROUND US. TO UNDERSTAND. SCIENCE JUST A LOGICAL PROGRESSION. BECAUSE SCIENCE NO ACCEPT BLIND FAITH, IT TRY TO FIGURE OUT THE WORLD NOT FLAT, OR PUT A MAN IN SPACE, OR APPROXIMATE HOW SPACE TIME WORKS. HULK NOT MEAN TO KEEP BRINGING UP THESE “OLD ADAGE” THINGYS, BUT THERE THIS GREAT EXAMPLE OF THIS DILEMMA CONCERNING SUNSETS. A SUNSET = A TRULY GORGEOUS THING, SO A HUMAN BEING LOOKS AT IT AND CAN NO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMETHING CREATED BY “NOTHING” COULD BE SO DAMN BEAUTIFUL, THUS THE CONCLUSION = “GOD MUST HAVE DONE IT.” WELL, INSTEAD SCIENCE ASKS WHAT IF IT MORE THAN THAT? SCIENCE INQUIRES ABOUT ATMOSPHERIC DENSITIES AND THE REFRACTIVE NATURE OF LIGHT. IT STRIVES TO TRACE THE ORIGIN AND INTERPRET THE HAPPY ACCIDENTS OF NATURE WE SEE AS BEAUTY. BEAUTY CAN BE HOW SCIENTIFICALLY WE UNDERSTAND THAT. AND OF COURSE THERE WILL BE ANOTHER QUESTION THAT COMES FROM THAT, AND ANOTHER, AND ANOTHER. OF COURSE WE CAN’T ANSWER THEM ALL IN A SINGLE LIFETIME.
BUT GUESS WHAT LOST? THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE JUST ACCEPT AND STOP TRYING. SCIENCE ABOUT THE NEXT STEP. THE NEXT LEVEL OF UNDERSTANDING. IT THE JOURNEY OF TIME.
WHAT IT ULTIMATELY COMES DOWN TO THAT THERE THIS IDEA THAT WE NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENS IN DEATH. BUT BELIEVE IT OR NOT, SCIENCE IS PART OF THESE THINGS. SCIENCE, IN ITS PURSUIT OF TRUTH ON EVIDENCE, WANTS TO TELL US EXACTLY WHAT LIFE AND DEATH IS WHETHER IT COMFORTING OR NOT. BUT SO OFTEN IN TV SHOWS, SCIENCE IN THIS CAPACITY = THE PURSUIT OF CHEATING DEATH. IT SEEN AS A PATHOLOGICAL, OFTEN VIOLENT OBSESSION, A LONE SCIENTIST HELL-BENT ON STAVING OF DEATH.
THIS WAS JACK. JACK WANTED TO “FIX EVERYONE” AND THAT WHAT APPARENTLY MADE HIM NOT AT PEACE. THIS CHARACTERIZATION DEEPLY MISGUIDED. JACK’S LACK OF PEACE COME FROM OTHER ISSUES. HIS WANTING TO FIX EVERYONE JUST WHAT MADE HIM A GREAT PERSON. A TRUE LEADER (REMEMBER THAT THE “SPIRITUAL” LOCKE BASICALLY KILLED BOONE IN THE PURSUIT OF HIS PIOUS JOURNEY). JACK SHOULD ALWAYS STRIVE TO FIX EVERYONE. AND PART OF THAT = THE NATURAL INCLINATION TO WANT TO TO UNDERSTAND. KNOWING LIMITS IS ONE THING. BUT DISCOUNTING THE THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE ANOTHER. AND IN THAT FINALE, HULK WANTED TO UNDERSTAND. NO, IT NOT CRIPPLE HULK BECAUSE HULK DIDN’T GET “THE ANSWERS.” NO IT NOT BECAUSE HULK FEAR DEATH AND SO HULK JUST REACTING FROM THAT. HULK THINK THAT LOST’S APPROACH LIKE THE LAZINESS OF THE SUNSET, IT SAYING ONE CANNOT KNOW SO DON’T BOTHER…
IT IMPORTANT REMEMBER HULK NOT IMPLYING THAT SOMETHING HAVE LINE UP WITH HULK’S PERSONAL SENSIBILITIES IN ORDER FOR HULK TO LIKE. TO CITE THE TIME HONORED WISDOM OF ART: IT NOT “WHAT IT ABOUT” IT “HOW IT ABOUT.” THIS PRACTICALLY A REQUIREMENT OF WATCHING ANY MOVIE. HULK CAN LOVE DIRTY HARRY AND IT BASICALLY ADVOCATING POLICE FASCISM. WHY? BECAUSE IT SELF-AWARE. IT HAVE GREAT EDITING. IT COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. MEANWHILE, MICHAEL MOORE CAN MAKE FILMS THAT TAP INTO THE SAME “WHAT” HULK USUALLY BELIEVE POLITICALLY-SPEAKING, BUT THE “HOW” HE MAKE THOSE MOVIES VIOLATE SO MANY CORE RULES OF DOCUMENTARY FILM-MAKING THAT HULK CANNOT ABIDE THEM. HULK COULD WATCH A MOVIE ABOUT FAITH AND AFTERLIFE WITH BIG BOLD RELIGIOUS IDEAS AND STILL TOTALLY LOVE IT. GUESS WHAT? HULK LOVED THE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA FINALE AND THAT WAY, WAY, WAY MORE RELIGIOUS THAN LOST. BUT THAT SHOW HANDLED ITS RESOLUTION IN A MUCH MORE COMPELLING FASHION AND TOTALLY MADE SENSE WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF THE SHOW. IT NOT THE WHAT IT ABOUT. IT HOW IT ABOUT.
AND LOST WAS ALWAYS SO CAREFUL AND CONSIDERATE WITH THE HOW, WASN’T IT?
AND THEN SUDDENLY, THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF THE FINALE WWER SOMETHING ELSE. IT WAS SENTIMENTAL. IT WAS BAD STORYTELLING. IT WAS A-DRAMATIC. IT WAS COMPLETELY DISHONEST TO TWO CHARACTERS. IT WAS FULL OF CONFUSED LOGIC. IT WAS CONVENIENT. IT WAS REPETITIVE. IT WAS LECTURING. IT WAS ECUMENICAL. IT WAS ULTIMATELY EXCLUSIVE.
IT WAS NOT LOST.
AND THAT’S A DEAL-BREAKER LADIES.
PART 3 – THE AFTERMATH OF “THE PROBLEMS”
DESPITE ALL THIS, HULK NO THINK LOST “FUCKED IT UP” OR “SHIT THE BED.” THEY DID SOMETHING UNCHARACTERISTIC AND MISGUIDED. THAT IT. AND WHAT LEAD TO THAT CONCLUSION WERE SIMPLY THAT THE TEN PROBLEMS LISTED ABOVE NOT CRITICAL IN AND OF THEMSELVES, BUT WHEN BANDED TOGETHER IT CREATE A BIGGER PICTURE OF SOMETHING BEING “OFF”. EVEN IF THIS ALL NOT SEEM SO BAD, NO TELL HULK THAT IT MEAN HULK’S CONCERNS TRIVIAL. YOU MAY THINK HULK JUST HAVE A SAD CASE OF THE WHAT-HAVE-YOU-DONE-FOR-ME-LATELY’S? BUT THE LAST 15 MINUTES = THE FINAL IMAGE OF THE SERIES. THE LASTING IMPRESSION. AND IT IMPORTANT. THE ENDING IS THE CONCEIT.
BUT HULK NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTER HERE. THE PUBLIC OPINION CRUCIAL AND IT DIVERGED WILDLY. SOME LOVED THE CHANCE TO SEE THEIR CHARACTERS TOGETHER AND AS HAPPY AS THEY WANTED TO FEEL. SOME JUST FELT LIKE IT WAS A DUMB REVEAL. SOME GOT MICRO-ANALYTIC. A LOT OF PEOPLE SHRUGGED.
PREDICTABLY, THERE WERE A GOOD PORTION OF PEOPLE PISSED ABOUT THE LACK OF ANSWERS AND DEMANDED MORE. THE VIDEO PRETTY HILARIOUS, BUT THE MORE HILARIOUS THING THAT MOST OF THOSE QUESTIONS YOU COULD ANSWER WITH BASIC SYMBOLISM OR EVEN MINOR UNDERSTANDING OF THE SHOW’S THEMATIC ISSUES. HULK MEAN, HOW DID THEY EVEN WATCH THIS SHOW WITHOUT DOING THAT?(10) BESIDES, TURNS OUT THE SHOW HAD PRE-FILMED AND THE SUBSEQUENTLY RELEASED THE EPILOGUE. IT WAS MET WITH A LARGE THUD. TURNS OUT ALL THE ANSWERS NOT WHAT PEOPLE WANTED. WHY? BECAUSE THE WAY THEY GOT THOSE ANSWERS JUST = “THE LECTURE” TIMES TEN. IT ANTI-CLIMACTIC. IT IMPOSSIBLY BORING. THERE ABSOLUTELY NO DRAMA OR CATHARSIS OR STORY OR ANYTHING. IT JUST A PERSON JUST TELLING YOU ANSWERS. THIS TRULY FELT THE MONKEY ANECDOTE. AND HULK ARGUE THIS WHAT HAPPEN WHEN PEOPLE THINK THEY WANT ANSWERS AND NOT WILLING TO PURSUE THE MORE SUBTLE OR THEMATIC “ANSWERS.”
MEANWHILE, THE CRITICAL OPINIONS OF THE FINALE (AS IN FROM ACTUAL CRITICS) SEEMED EQUALLY SPLIT. DEVIN FARACI CALLED IT LOST‘S “BIG GNOSTIC WET FART ENDING.” PERHAPS THAT BIT HARSH, BUT HIS APPRAISAL FILLED WITH IMPOSSIBLY GOOD INSIGHTS ABOUT GNOSTICISM/ ZOROASTRIANISM AND THE LAZINESS WITH WHICH IT USED THOSE CONCEPTS. IT REALLY A GREAT READ, EVEN THOUGH HULK DISAGREE SLIGHTLY ABOUT ITS DEVALUING OF CERTAIN ON-ISLAND PLOT LINES. HULK MORE HOLDS THE FAILURES OF THE ENDING REVEAL TO BE IMPLICATE OF THE PURGATORY PLOT LINE (THOUGH OBVIOUSLY, NOT SOLELY).
THE FIRST THING YOU MAY NOTICE THAT EVERYTHING IN THIS COLUMN FANTASTIC. IT STALWART. DEEPLY INTELLECTUAL. GENUINE. HIS ACCOUNT OF THE PURGATORY AND RE-TRIALS OF LIFE. THE REFLECTIONS. THE CAPACITY FOR EXAMINATION. ALL WONDERFUL. AND HIS ACCOUNT OF MINOWSKI SPACE AND IT’S IMPACT ON THE FINALE = REALLY WELL-THOUGHT OUT AND COMPLETE. HULK OBVIOUSLY HAVE DIFFERENT TAKE ON WHETHER THE SHOW ABANDONED SCIENCE IN NAME OF RELIGION, BUT THAT NOT BECAUSE EITHER OR US NECESSARILY MISSED ANYTHING. IT AN INTERPRETATION OF THE ONE. IF HULK FORCED TO DISAGREE, HULK WOULD SIMPLY ARGUE THAT THE APPRAISAL TOO WILLING TO MAKE CONNECTIONS SEEM SOLID WHEN THEY MORE TENUOUS TO HULK. FOR EXAMPLE, MINKOWSKI SPACE, AS INTERESTING AS IT IS, COMES OFF AS SCIENTIFIC PATCHWORK CURE-ALL TO EXPLAIN LOST’S “HEAVEN.” IN PRACTICAL REALITY MINKOWSKI SPACE MORE OF A WORK AROUND FOR CATEGORIZING TIME SINGULARITY IN MATHEMATICAL TERMS. MEANING IT ABOUT MAKING THE MATH WORK RATHER THAN BEING CREATED AS A CONCEPT FOR US FIGURING OUT HOW TIME WORKS. THIS MAY SEEM LIKE WEIRD OBSERVATION GIVEN THAT HULK PREVIOUSLY ARGUED THAT THE LOST SCIENCE CAN BE PSEUDO SCIENCE AND THAT TOTALLY COOL, BUT HULK ARGUING THE PROVERBIAL “STAGE” OF THE LAST 15 MINUTES REQUIRE THAT THIS SCIENTIFIC THEORY BE A BIT MORE COMPLETE AND INTEGRAL. FOR EXAMPLE, THINK OF HOW MUCH CARE, TIME, AND ATTENTION WENT INTO THE ESTABLISHING THE CONCEIT OF THE NARRATIVE FEINT: TO JUSTIFY STEPHEN HAWKING’S IDEA THAT TWO CONCURRENT TIMELINES COULD ORIGINATE FROM A SINGLE POINT OF HISTORICAL INFLUENCE. THEY KNEW THEY HAD TO JUSTIFY IT OR ELSE THE AUDIENCE WOULD HAVE ABANDONED. AND THUS, THE CONCEPT HAMMERED INTO OUR HEADS. SO WHY DID MINKOWSKI SPACE NOT GET THAT TREATMENT? SERIOUSLY, HULK THINK THAT THE CONCEPT ONLY REGISTERED WITH, LIKE, 3% OF VIEWERS, IF THAT. BUT NO WORRY IT ONLY THE END OF THE SHOW! IT HAD TO BE BECAUSE THEY WANTED IT TO BE A REVEAL.
BUT BEYOND THE AUDIENCE-INDUCED-LOGIC, HULK’S MAIN ARGUMENT ABOUT THE LAST 15 MINUTES LARGELY A MATTER OF TONE. HULK ARGUE MMORSE BRILLIANTLY SUMS UP THE WHAT OF LOST, BUT HULK ARGUE THERE SOMETHING DIFFERENT GOING ON WITH THE HOW.(11) EVEN IF ALTERNATIVE INTERPRETATIONS CAN BE FOUND FOR THE LAST 15 MINUTES, THEY NOT WHAT YOU EXPERIENCING IN THAT MOMENT.
HISTORICALLY SPEAKING, LOST WOULD ALWAYS PRESENT EVIDENCE WITH CRYPTIC, BOLD IMAGERY THAT ALWAYS LEFT IT UP TO YOU. AND IN THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT OF THE SHOW, THE WRITERS SHOVED YOU IN A SINGULAR DIRECTION. EVERYTHING ELSE BECAME LITERAL WINDOW-DRESSING. WE GOT AN AN UBER-STRAIGHTFORWARD, OUTRIGHT EXPLAINED-TO-YOU, HYPER-CHRISTIAN MOMENT. MAYBE THE SHOVE NOT INTENTIONAL, BUT IT WAS CERTAINLY A SHOVE. HULK GUARANTEE THAT THE WHOLE ROOM HULK IN WHILE WATCHING FELT IT. THE INESCAPABLE TRUTH THAT A MAN NAMED CHRISTIAN SHEPARD GUIDING PEOPLE FROM A BARELY-EUCIMENICIZED CHURCH INTO THE LIGHT OF WHAT CAN REALLY ONLY BE CALLED “HEAVEN”. AND WHEN THEN SCIENTIFICALLY INCLINED MIND CHIRPS UP, THEY TOLD NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT, FOR IT SOMETHING THEY CAN’T POSSIBLY KNOW. THAT = A SHOVE.
YOU MAY SAY: “HULK, WHY DOES THAT BOTHER YOU SO MUCH?” DIDN’T HULK MENTION THAT HULK ALWAYS LIKED THE WAY THE SHOW BECAUSE IT NO TRY AND ANSWER EVERYTHING? THAT THINGS SHOULD BE AMBIGUOUS? SO WHY YOU GETTING SO PISSED THAT THE SHOW ESSENTIALLY CONVEYING THAT SAME MESSAGE?”
AGAIN. IT NOT THE WHAT IT THE HOW. HULK THINK IT CONVEYED THAT MESSAGE WITH ZERO COMPLEXITY OR DRAMA. AND HULK THINK IT DID IT IN AN ALMOST JUVENILE SORT OF INDIGNATION AND ALL SORTS OF NARRATIVE/THEMATIC HOLES.
IT NOT LIKE HULK SAYING ALL THIS OUT OF SOME EMOTIONAL REACTION, HULK LITERALLY BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS QUESTION/PROBLEM/DILEMMA FOR WELL OVER A YEAR.
THE FOLLOWING SORT OF LAME CONJECTURE, BUT HULK FEEL IT RELEVANT:
HULK WANT KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THE WRITERS NO GO IN THE PURGATORY DIRECTION… IF THE “ALTERNA-WORLD” STILL JUST ANOTHER TIMELINE SET OFF BY THE H-BOMB. HULK ARGUE IT STILL WOULD HAVE CONVEYED EVERYTHING WITHOUT THE OVERT PROBLEMS AND IT COULD HAVE DONE SO BEAUTIFULLY: A LIFE ON ANOTHER EARTH. A SECOND CHANCE. IF THE ISLAND A METAPHORICAL PURGATORY, THEN THE SECOND ALTERNATIVE TIMELINE COULD BE A METAPHORICAL AFTERLIFE. A CHANCE FOR THE LOSTIES TO GET THAT HAPPINESS AND CONTENTMENT. HECK, YOU CAN EVEN HAVE THEM REALIZED THEY DIED IN THE OTHER TIMELINE, HAVE THAT REALIZATION CONNECT THE ON-ISLAND PLOT LINE AND ALLOW THE LOSTIES TO SAVE THE LIGHT OF THE ISLAND, WHICH IN TURN COULD BE ACCREDITED TO CREATING THE MULTIPLE TIMELINES TO BEGIN WITH, WHICH IN TURN GIVES THE WHOLE FATALISTIC DESIRE TO DETONATE THE H-BOMB A FUCKING POINT, AND IN TURN ALLOW FOR THE CHARACTERS IN THE ALTERNATIVE WORLD TO GRASP ALL THIS AND GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO METAPHORICALLY “MOVE ON.” NOT IN LITERAL CREEPY RELIGIOUS SENSE, BUT MOVE FORWARD WITH THEIR LIVES IN PEACE AND TRUE HAPPINESS IN THE WAY THAT THE MISTAKES OF THE “PAST” LIFE DIDN’T ALLOW THEM TO. WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN SENTIMENTAL MAYBE TOO? SURE. BUT IT WOULD HAVE FELT LIKE LOST. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY IT WOULD STILL CONVEY ALL THE SAME RELIGIOUS OVERTONES, LIKE HINDUISM MULTIPLE CHANCES OF GETTING RIGHT BEFORE MOVING TO ASCENDANCE. IT COULD USE THE NON-INVASIVE LOSTIAN TRICK OF INCORPORATING ALL THOSE RELIGIOUS IDEAS INTO THE PRODUCTION DESIGN. BUT IT WOULDN’T HAVE CENTERED AROUND A ECUMENICAL HEAVEN. IT WOULD HAVE CENTERED AROUND THE CHARACTERS.
HULK KNOW GETTING INTO THE “WHAT THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE” GAME = LAME CONJECTURE. AT WORST, IT A FAN WRITING SOMETHING HE WISHED HAD HAPPENED. HULK KNOW THIS, BUT HULK JUST TRYING SHOW HOW IT POSSIBLE TO ASSIMILATE THE SAME THEMES INTO A NARRATIVE DECISION THAT LESS OVERT AND EXCLUSIVE.
SO HULK ASK AGAIN, WHY COULD THIS NOT HAPPEN?
LOST COULD ALWAYS DO IT BEFORE. IT COULD BE TRANSCENDENT. IT COULD PLEASE THE MAN OF SCIENCE AND THE MAN OF FAITH. SO WHY NOT NOW? WHY SAY THE MAN OF SCIENCE IS LIMITED IN THE FINAL MOMENTS? WAS THAT THE INTENTION THE WHOLE TIME? HULK NOT THINK SO, BUT TRUTH THAT HULK NOT REALLY KNOW.
HULK JUST KNOW THESE TEN CENTRAL PROBLEMS OF THE LAST 15 MINUTES INADVERTENTLY CORRUPT A STORY THAT 99.9% GENIUS. THE WRITERS WANTED TO LEAVE A BIG BOLD OPEN ENDED ANSWER BUT THEY DID IT IN THE WRONG WAY. IT NOT OPEN ENDED. IT A LAUNDRY LIST OF CONTRADICTIONS. AND UNLIKE BEFORE, IT NOT LIKE HULK FEEL LANY ONE OF THEM COULD BE TRUE (THE “ALL ANSWERS IN SUBSET B” THING). INSTEAD HULK FEEL LIKE NONE OF THEM COULD BE TRUE.
AND AT CORE, THE PROBLEMS REALLY ALL THE SAME.
ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL, IT NEVER FELT LIKE LOST.
PART 4 – WHAT THIS MEAN FOR HULK, GOING FORWARD
THE DOLL-POINTING JOKE THAT HULK USED IN TITLE OF ARTICLE ONE THAT OFTEN USED BECAUSE IT ANALOGOUS TO FEELING “VIOLATED.” THIS A CRASS, HORRIBLE WAY OF PUTTING IT AND HULK NOT TRYING BE CRASS. BUT THE REASON PEOPLE USE THE TERM “VIOLATED” FAIRLY OBVIOUS: ALL THESE UPDATES, REBOOTS, REMAKES AND SHITTY PREQUELS PISS PEOPLE OFF BECAUSE THEY NO ABLE LOOK AT THE PROPERTIES THE SAME WAY.
ON ONE LEVEL, OF COURSE THIS INSIPID. PEOPLE INTERNALIZE THEIR LOVE OF PROPERTIES. THEY NO DIGEST AND PROCESS THEM. JUST SIMPLY ABSORB EVERYTHING IN EMOTIONAL AND VISCERAL TERMS. AS A RESULT, THEY OFTEN TAKE THE REPULSION TOO FAR, AND YES HULK SPECIFICALLY REFERENCING THE POPULAR “GEORGE LUCAS RAPED MY CHILDHOOD” VIEWPOINT. THE SENTIMENT RIDICULOUS, INSOLENT, GUARDED, ADOLESCENT BULLSHIT. ONE THAT COMPLETELY LACK PERSPECTIVE. WHY? BECAUSE GOING THAT FAR IMPLY THE ORIGINAL STAR WARS FILMS DON’T STILL EXIST OR HAVE INHERENT VALUE. AND BOY CAN THE ORIGINALS STILL BE ENJOYED. BETTY HADN’T SEEN THEM SINCE SHE WAS A KID SO SHE AND HULK WATCHED A FEW YEARS AGO. IT WAS PURE JOY. EVER SIT A LITTLE KID DOWN IN FRONT OF THEM? STILL WORK LIKE GANG BUSTERS.
BUT HERE THING… THE PUBLIC CONVERSATION CONCERNING STAR WARS VASTLY DIFFERENT NOW. THE ORIGINAL MOVIES ARE NOT TARNISHED, BUT THE PREQUELS HAVE UNDENIABLY AFFECTED THE BEHAVIOR OF THE CULTURE, HOW WE TALK ABOUT GEORGE LUCAS, AND EVEN MANY OF THE PLOT IMPLICATIONS OF THE ORIGINALS. AND HONESTLY, THAT CULTURAL CONVERSATION MATTER. THE COMMUNITY OF FANDOM, FOR ALL IT’S PROBLEMS, STILL A WONDERFULLY BINDING THING. AND WHEN THE CULTURAL CONVERSATION SHIFT TOWARD DEVISIVENESS BECAUSE SOMETHING HAS DEEPLY WOUNDED THE OVERALL QUALITY OF SAID PROPERTY, THEN THAT MATTERS.
ENDINGS MATTER. YOU CAN NO DISMISS THE REALITY OF THE ENDING HAVING THE ABILITY TO “TARNISH” SOMETHING. THE WIRE FINALE UPHOLDS THE LEGACY OF IT BEING POSSIBLY THE BEST SHOW EVER. AND THAT HAPPENS DESPITE THE ENTIRE LAST SEASON BEING RIDDLED WITH TONE PROBLEMS. AS INTERESTING AS MCNULTY’S SERIAL KILLER FEINT OR TEMPLETON’S OVERT BOLD-FACED LYING MIGHT HAVE BEEN, NEITHER PLOT FELT LIKE THE WIRE. BUT IT DIDN’T MATTER, BECAUSE THE FINALE CORRECTED THAT AND GAVE THE SHOW THE MOST PERFECT SEND-OFF IMAGINABLE. THE SAME EXACT TONE-FIXING THING TRUE OF THE LAST SEASON OF BUFFY TOO. FINALES MATTER. THEM THE BREAKS. IT REALLY HOW YOU FINISH.
SO WHEN IT COMES TO LOST, EVERY SINGLE THING HULK SAID ABOUT THE SHOW IN PART 1 OF THIS PIECE, STILL ABSOLUTELY TRUE. THE SHOW ACCOMPLISH SO DAMN MUCH AND SHOULD BE LAUDED FOR YEARS TO COME.
BUT STILL, THE CULTURAL CONVERSATION HAS CHANGED.
AND THAT CONVERSATION ALWAYS SEEMS TO LAND ON THE FINALE. AFTER THE FIRST SEASON OF LOST, HULK WAS RUNNING AROUND EVERYWHERE TRYING TO GET PEOPLE TO WATCH THE FREAKING SHOW. IT WAS INCREDIBLE, RESONANT, FULL OF SO MUCH PROMISE. AS SEASONS WENT ON HULK BECAME MORE HESITANT, WAITING TO SEE IF THE SHOW COME THROUGH. MAYBE COMING THROUGH WAS IMPOSSIBLE. MAYBE THEY TRIED ACCOMPLISH THE MOST DIFFICULT TRICK EVER, BUT HULK HAD FAITH BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS PULLED IT OFF THAT TRANSCENDENCE BEFORE. AND THEN THE FINALE LET THE AIR OUT. THE CONVERSATION FIXATED ON THE BASIC APPROPRIATION: UNLIKE BATTLESTAR OR EVEN THE SOPRANOS, WHOSE CONVERSATIONS FOCUSED ON THE VARYING INTERPRETATIONS OF LARGELY SYMBOLIC MOTIFS, THE ENDING OF LOST SIMPLY CAME DOWN TO A MANNER OF “I WAS OKAY WITH IT” OR “I WASN’T OKAY WITH IT.” THE EFFECT HAS BEEN DISHEARTENING.
SO HULK HAVE THIS KICK-ASS T-SHIRT OF DESMOND AND DANIEL FARADAY STANDING BY THE B.T.T.F. DELOREAN.
THIS ONE
HULK LOVED THIS SHIRT.
AND NOW, HULK FEEL TINGE OF NOT LIKING WEAR IT.
HULK KNOW THAT KIND OF STUPID. BUT HULK NOT ANGRY, OR SMASHY, OR FEEL VIOLATED.
HULK JUST FEEL A LITTLE SAD.
THERE JUST SO FEW THINGS ON THIS EARTH THAT ONE CAN TRULY LOVE. YES, WE SHOULD BE RATIONAL AND BALANCED ABOUT IT, BUT IT SO NICE TO HAVE THINGS IN OUR LIVES THAT FOR LACK OF BETTER WORD, PURE.
BUT HULK SIMPLY HAVE TO ADMIT: THE FINALE HAS CHANGED HULK’S ABILITY TO PURELY LOVE LOST.
SO DARLTON, HULK KNOW IT WEIRD FOR HULK TO CRAZILY DISSECT THIS THING THAT MUST BE DEEPLY PERSONAL FOR YOU BOTH. JUST KNOW THAT HULK REALIZE THERE BIGGER PICTURE TO ALL OF THIS AND HULK HOPE YOU CONTINUE TO KEEP PUTTING GREAT STUFF INTO THE WORLD. HULK GREATLY LOOKING FORWARD TO PROMETHEUS FOR ONE. SERIOUSLY, RETURNING RIDLEY SCOTT TO SCI-FI = A TRUE HONOR. SO HULK LOOKING FORWARD TO THE FUTURE.
AS FOR THIS OPEN LETTER? IT NOT SUCH A BIG DEAL. IT JUST HULK TRYING TO EXPLAIN A FEELING. TO SUM UP AN EXPERIENCE ABOUT THIS SHOW YOU SHARED WITH US.
SEE YOU IN ANOTHER LIFE BROTHERS (METAPHORICALLY OF COURSE),
-HULK
P.S. – HULK INVITE ANY AND ALL TO DISAGREE. PLEASE. FIND ERRORS IN HULK’S LOGIC. CONTRADICT HULK. THE THING ABOUT ALL OF THIS IS THAT HULK SO DESPERATELY WANT LIKE THE FINALE. BUT HULK CAN NO RECONCILE WHAT THEY TRIED DO, EVEN YEAR AND HALF LATER.
BRING THE JACKFACE!
ENDNOTES:
(1) – EVERYONE USES THE DEVICE OF PUTTING “LOST” IN ALL CAPS, BUT THAT LOSES EFFECT WITH THE ALL-CAPS-HULK-TALK. SO HULK BOLDING IT EVERY TIME. SORRY IF ANNOYING.
(2) – AS MUCH CRAP AS THEY GOT FOR THEIR “LITERAL CORK” AND KEYSTONE, IT REALLY NO DIFFERENT THEN THE BIG MYTHIC SYMBOLIC STUFF THAT CENTER AROUND MOST FANTASY/SCI-FI. LOST WAS NEVER AFRAID TO USE AN OBJECT AS A BIG BROAD METAPHOR. THEY ALWAYS DID. EVEN IF YOU FOUND IT SILLY, IT STILL FELT LIKE THE SHOW.
(3) – AND YES, TO ACTUAL SCIENTISTS READING THIS, HULK KNOW THAT LOST = MOSTLY PSEUDO-SCIENCE. SOMETIMES EVEN JUNK SCIENCE. HULK ARGUE THIS OKAY BECAUSE THEIR INTEREST PURELY AT ARMCHAIR LEVEL AND WHAT MORE COULD EXPECT? IT HARD BE EXPERT AT LOTS THINGS. HULK WOULD NORMALLY ARGUE THAT FULL COMMITTING TO SCIENCE INVOLVED SHOULD BE STRIVE FOR, BUT HONESTLY THE SHOW MORE INTERESTED IN WHAT THOSE SCIENTIFIC EXPLOITS SAY ABOUT HUMAN BEINGS THAN WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT SCIENCE. SO THEY DECIDED MASSAGE SCIENCE INSTEAD OF OUTRIGHT VIOLATING IT. IT ABOUT A DIFFERENCE IN GOALS. AND THE GOAL OF LOST A PURE ONE… USUALLY… HULK WILL GET TO PROBLEMS WITH THE PURGATORY SCIENCE LATER.
(4) – FOR A MUCH MORE EXTREME EXAMPLE, IMAGINE IF A GAME OF THRONES ENDED WITH ALL THE DEAD CHARACTERS GETTING TOGETHER AND HUGGING. RIGHT. IT RIDICULOUS. YOU MAY ARGUE THAT EXTREME AND G.O.T. A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT KIND OF SHOW, BUT HULK ARGUE LOST = A VERY DIFFERENT KIND OF SHOW TOO. IN THE VEIL OF ALL THOSE MYSTERIES,AND GRIMNESS, WHERE OFTEN THE ONLY HOPE A LITERAL RAY OF LIGHT OR A MERE CHANCE AT SURVIVAL, WHATEVER MADE YOU THINK THAT SHOW WOULD END WITH A BIG HAPPY HUG IN HEAVEN? TO HULK, G.O.T. MAKES JUST AS MUCH SENTIMENTAL SENSE.
(5) – FOR EXAMPLE, HURLEY’S NUMBERS EPISODE. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE NUMBERS SUPPOSED TO MEAN BUT THE TONE OF THEM SO ROOTED IN PARANOIA, QUIRK, AND HURLEY’S FEARS THAT IF FEEL INTEGRAL. THEY THE SAME THING REALLY. MEANWHILE, THE “WAKING UP” MOMENTS IN PURGATORY NO INTEGRATE WITH TONE OR HIGHER PURPOSE UNTIL THE ACTUAL REVEAL IN LAST 15 MINUTES OF SHOW… ONE WONDERS WHY IT BECAME BORING OVER THE COURSE 6 EPISODES.
(6) – PEOPLE WRONGLY GIVE THE WRITERS OF SCI-FI/FANTASY A LOT OF CRAP ASSUMING THEY KNOW NOTHING OF WOMEN/RELATIONSHIPS AND LIVE IN THEIR MOMS BASEMENTS, BUT COME ON GUYS. TRUE LOVE NOT = HAVING A HOT HOOKUP OR JUST A GIRL TALKING TO YOU... YOU KNOW BETTER.
(7) – SORRY FOR THIS “RIPPING VAGINA” IMAGERY, BUT HULK CONSTANTLY SURPRISED BY AMOUNT OF PEOPLE WHO NOT KNOW ABOUT THE MEDICAL SPECIFICS OF BIRTH. YES. THERE OFTEN GREAT DEAL OF DAMAGE AND TEARING AND ALMOST EVERY BIRTH REQUIRES A LOT OF STITCHES… ALSO: GIRLS WITH LOWER BACK TATTOOS! THERE IS A PRETTY HIGH CHANCE YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET AN EPIDURAL. THE NEEDLE CAN NOT GO THROUGH SKIN ANYWHERE CLOSE TO A TATTOO (IT OFTEN HAS SPREAD INVISIBLE UNDER THE SKIN) BECAUSE IF ANY INK (EVEN DECADES OLD) GETS INTO YOUR SPINAL FLUID YOU COULD EXPERIENCE PARALYSIS OR DEATH. YOUR TATTOO ARTIST LIKELY NEVER INFORMED YOU. THIS SUCKS. HULK SORRY TO BE ONE TO TELL YOU. GET IT LOOKED INTO IF PLAN ON HAVING KIDS!
(8) – AND EVEN THOUGH LOCKE WAS “RIGHT” ABOUT THE ISLAND, HE WAS ULTIMATELY DUPED BY THE MIB IN REALLY CRAPPY FASHION. UGH. HEARTBREAKING. AND FOR A SHOW THAT ULTIMATELY TRIED TO ADVOCATE BLIND FAITH, IT SEEMS BLIND FAITH SERVED LOCKE SUPER SHITTILY.
(9) – OKAY HULK’LL DO THIS. BEWARE, HULK’S PERSONAL FEELINGS ABOUT DEATH/SPIRITUALITY WITHIN: HERE’S WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT DEATH. YOUR HEART STOPS PUMPING BLOOD. YOUR BRAIN STOPS WORKING. SCIENTIFICALLY SPEAKING WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE = YOU CEASE TO BE. IT NOT COMFORTING FOR SURE, BUT THAT WHAT HAPPENS ACCORDING TO SCIENCE. AND DESPITE A LOT OF CLAIMS, THERE NO REAL SCIENCE TO THE SOUL. BUT HERE THE THING, EVEN THOUGH IT HARSH, PEOPLE STILL HAVE TO SIMPLY BE AT PEACE WITH “THE END.” WHICH ODDLY WHAT LOST ALSO TRYING TO SAY, JUST WITH A MORE TRADITIONAL AND OVERT HEAVEN MODEL. WHETHER OR NOT BELIEVE IN IT, THE CONCEPT OF HEAVEN ABOUT BEING AT PEACE. SO HULK USE THE HEAVEN METAPHOR TO BE AT PEACE WITH LIFE AND LIKEWISE AT PEACE WITH DEATH. THUS HULK TURN TO THE SCIENTIFIC REALITY THAT IT JUST OVER. HULK NO HAVE TO GO INTO DEATH WITH WORRIES ABOUT THEOLOGICAL ARGUMENTS. HULK CAN JUST TRY AND BE GOOD AND HAPPY, HERE AND NOW. HULK CAN STRIVE FOR PEACE AT THIS MOMENT NOW. AT ALL MOMENTS… SOME ARGUE WITHOUT HEAVEN THERE NO GUIDE TO MORALITY, BUT EVEN SCIENCE ARGUE WE MUST BE GOOD SO WE CAN CO-EXIST ON THIS PLANET. SO THAT WE CAN MAKE GOOD ON THIS ONE CHANCE. IT’S “LIVE TOGETHER OR DIE ALONE” REMEMBER? LOST SAID THIS SO MANY TIMES AND TOOK IT TO HEART. HULK NO THIS MAY SOUND AWFULLY GRIM TO SOME, BUT HULK ARGUE IT STILL SPIRITUAL IN THE PUREST SENSE. HULK WILL PUT IT THIS WAY: PEOPLE WHO OFTEN FIND RELIGION OFTEN CITE A BEAUTIFUL “AWAKENING MOMENT” WHERE THEY OVERCOME BY COMFORT AND EMOTION THAT COMES WITH EMBRACING GOD. IT A KIND OF JOY THAT RESTS IN THE BONES… WELL, THE MOMENT HULK FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGE DTHAT HULK BEEN WRESTLING WITH LOGISTICAL CONCEPT OF AFTERLIFE FOR HULK’S ENTIRE LIFE AND ALL IT DID WAS MAKE HULK UNEASY, AND WHEN HULK DECIDED THAT HULK’S TRUE FEELINGS IN LINE WITH ATHIESM, IT AT THAT MOMENT HULK FELT TRULY HAPPY AND COMFORTABLE WITH LIFE/DEATH FOR FIRST TIME IN HULK’S LIFE. HULK FELT IT IN BONES. IT WAS HULK’S SPIRITUAL MOMENT. BUT THE KIND OF WONDERFUL THING ABOUT SCIENTIFIC ATHEISM, WHILE IT STILL ABSOLUTE AND NOT AGNOSTICISM, IT STILL NOT A BINDING BELIEF. IF GOD COULD ALL OF A SUDDEN BE SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN (AND INTELLIGENT DESIGNERS, NO, IT CAN’T YET). HULK WOULD SIGN UP. BUT BEING RELIGIOUS CAN OFTEN BE BINDING. SPIRITUALITY WORKS BEST IN NON-BINDING FLUX, JUST LIKE THE EVOLUTION OF SCIENTIFIC PROGRESSION.
(10) – THERE ONE WAY IN WHICH HULK UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE FASCINATE OVER ANSWERS. IT GO BACK TO HULK’S THEORY THAT LOTS OF VIEWERS JUST NOT PERCEPTIVE TO SUBTLETY. THE SUBTLE THINGS INSTEAD AFFECT THEM ON A VISCERAL LEVEL, SO THAT. THEY CAN FEEL “GOOD” OR FEEL “BAD” ABOUT WHAT HAPPENING. BUT WHEN COME TO SUPPORT AND ANSWER WHY THEY LIKE/NOT LIKE WHAT THEY SAW, THEY POINT TO THINGS THEY UNDERSTAND AND THAT OFTEN MANIFESTED IN TANGIBLE, OBVIOUS THINGS. HULK TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE. AND IN LOST‘S CASE THE INABILITY TO ARTICULATE SUBTLETY MANIFESTS ITSELF BY SAYING THE PROBLEMS OF THE SHOW BECAUSE THEY NOT “ANSWER” THINGS.
(11) – AND THE HOW EVEN IMPACTS THE WHAT… AND MAYBE THE OVERT NATURE OF THE “HOW” WITH THE ENDING, IMPLY ONE TERRIFYING THING… THE SHOW NOT REALLY BEING SYMBOLIC OR METAPHORICAL ANYMORE. IT BEING LITERAL.
RANDOM THING #1! BY THE WAY. IF THE WHISPERS THE PEOPLE LEFT ON ISLAND WHO CAN NO “MOVE ON” THAT EVERYONE WHO DIE ON THE ISLAND, ARE ALL OUR LOSTIES THE WHISPERS? LIKE WOULD JACK BE A WHISPER? BUT PRESUMABLY NOT THOSE WHO LEFT THE ISLAND? HULK NO GET.
THUS BEGINS MARTIN’S ACKNOWLEDGMENTS SECTION AT END OF A FEAST FOR CROWS, THE FOURTH BOOK IN HIS SONG OF ICE AND FIRE FANTASY SERIES. AND YES, G.R.R. MARTIN, YOU RIGHT. NOTHING SO OBVIOUSLY CLEAR AS FACT THAT THIS BOOK = A BITCH FOR YOU WRITE. HULK BET YOU HAD FUCK-ALL TIME DRUDGING THROUGH IT. AND IT CLEARLY JUST AS AGONIZING CHORE FOR YOU AS IT WAS FOR YOUR READERS TO READ. YOU KNOW WHAT? HULK ACTUALLY HAPPY YOU MADE IT SO CLEAR THAT YOU HATED WRITING THIS BOOK AND IT NOT SOME MERE INSANITY OF MISPLACED PRIDE WITH WHICH YOU DECIDED RELEASE IT.
HULK JUST WANT CONVEY SOMETHING VERY SIMPLE: IF A FEAST FOR CROWS NOT ONLY ONE OF “WORST” BOOKS HULK EVER READ, IT MOST DEFINITELY THE LEAST SATISFYING.
TWO QUICK MATTERS OF PREFACE:
1) THE “HULK READ A BOOK!” TITLE ABOVE RATHER MISLEADING. HULK READS LOTS OF BOOKS. HULK NOT ONE OF THOSE MOVIES GUYS WHO NO READ. SINGULARITY SEEM LIKE STRANGE WAY TO APPROACH ANY ART.
2) HULK FIRST PICKED UP SERIES SOME YEARS AGO, BACK WHEN HULK HEARD IT BEING DEVELOPED BY H.B.O. HULK THOUGHT THAT GOOD ENOUGH DISTINCTION SO HULK BOUGHT THE FIRST 3 BOOKS. HULK ENJOYED THE FIRST BOOK A GAME OF THRONES VERY MUCH. FOR ONE, IT HAD MASSIVE BALLS. AND WHILE THINGS FLYING OFF HANDLE HULK THOUGHT IT SET UP WHAT HULK ASSUMED WOULD BE GREAT OVER-ARCHING STORY. THEN CAME A CLASH OF KINGS AND HULK FOUND IT BE RELENTLESSLY DOUR AND AIMLESS. RATHER THAN HEAD OFF INTO MEAT OF OVERARCHING CONFLICTS, THE STORY SHIFTED TO THE MINUTIAE WITH MIDDLING RESULTS. LUCKILY, THE ENDING OF THAT BOOK MORE OR LESS OKAY SO HULK KEPT READING. BUT IN THE FIRST HALF A STORM OF SWORDS MARTIN JUST TROTTED OUT MORE OF SAME AIMLESSNESS AND AT ONE POINT HULK TOSSED BOOK ACROSS ROOM IN ANGER AND STOPPED READING IT (NOT AT WHAT YOU PROBABLY THINK THOUGH. HULK EXPLAIN LATER) … A YEAR-PLUS LATER, RIGHT AFTER HULK WATCHED THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE FULLY-REALIZED “GAME OF THRONES” SERIES HULK SAID, “DAMMIT, THIS REALLY GOOD. HULK SHOULD REVISIT THE BOOKS SO HULK KNOW WHERE THIS GOING.” IN MANNER THAT TRULY FITTING, HULK STOPPED READING EXACTLY 8 PAGES BEFORE SWORDSREALLY STARTED COOKING. THE SECOND HALF OF SWORDS FILLED WITH TRULY BIG, BOLD, GREAT + BATSHIT STUFF. SO HULK IN FULL-TILT AGAIN AT THAT POINT.
AND THEN A FEAST FOR CROWS HAPPEN.(1)
WHAT HATH THEY WROUGHT!?!??!?
LET HULK FOCUS ON THE GOOD FIRST.
ON PURE STYLISTIC LEVEL, HULK THINK CROWS ON PAR WITH REST OF SERIES. IT NOT LIKE G.R.R. MARTIN A TERRIBLE WRITER. HE JUST NOT THAT GREAT.(2), HE HAVE PASSABLE SENSE OF LYRICISM AND CANDOR. WHEN HE NOT SIMPLY LISTING BUNCH OF HEDGE KNIGHTS AND THEIR COMPLETE GENEALOGIES, HE MANAGE PROVIDE HOST OF RICH, TEXTURED, OR WONDERFULLY HATE-ABLE CHARACTERS. AND ASIDE FROM SOME TRULY AWFUL HANGUPS INVOLVING SEXUALITY AND REPETITIVENESS (HULK GET TO THOSE LATER), MARTIN’S INTENTIONS FOR CHARACTERIZATION AND MOOD COME ACROSS PRETTY FREAKING CLEAR.
MARTIN EVEN MANAGE CREATE A FULLY-IMMERSIVE WORLD IN WESTEROS. IT NOT EXACTLY A “FUN” WORLD LIKE STAR WARS/HARRY POTTER/LOTR. INSTEAD IT REFLECT THE LIKELY TRUTH OF MIDDLE-AGES-HORRIBLENESS AND HOW IT MUST HAVE SUCKED FOR JUST ABOUT EVERYONE. UNLIKE MOST FANTASY, THERE NO GOOD OR EVIL. JUST LOTS OF FOLKS ACTING SELFISHLY OR OUTRIGHT AMORALLY. EVEN THE POLITICS TEND TOWARDS SHADES OF GRAY, IF NOT SLIGHTLY WIRE-ESQUE. AND WHEN GOOD, IT GREAT. FOR EXAMPLE, HULK’S FAVORITE THEMATIC POINT IN CROWS HAD DO WITH THE RAVAGING NATURE OF WAR. ONCE THEIR SOLDIERS SCATTERED, IT TURNS OUT THE NOBLE AIM OF THE STARKS ONLY ENDED IN DEVASTATION AND HORROR FOR COUNTRYSIDE. SO OFTEN THE CALL TO WAR PAINTED AS HEROIC THING, BUT HERE IT BECAME MORE EVIDENT THAT STARKS UPROOTED AND RUINED THOUSANDS OF LIVES IN NAME OF A VALID, BUT-ULTIMATELY-JUST-PERSONAL GRUDGE. MARTIN ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THE COST OF JUSTICE. WHICH RATHER POIGNANT AND UN-FANTASY-LIKE.
MEANING THE WORLD OF SONG OF ICE AND FIRE MORE INTERESTED IN BEING “REAL” THAN MOST STANDARD FANTASY. IT REALLY TRYING BE LIKE OUR WORLD, THEY JUST GOT DRAGONS AND SHIT.(3) AND EVEN IF HULK THINK MARTIN’S EXECUTION IN SERIES = CONSISTENTLY MIDDLING, AND HE TEND SLAM THESE POIGNANT THEMATICS OVER HEAD WITH FORCE OF SLEDGE HAMMER, THERE STILL ONE OTHER THING THAT G.R.R. MARTIN HAVE IN SPADES:
DARING.
AIN'T NO THANG
MARTIN PERHAPS WORK BEST AS NARRATIVE DAREDEVIL. HIS HUGE RISKS PRETTY WELL-KNOWN AT THIS POINT AND THEY JUSTIFIABLY LAUDED/HATED. HULK SURMISE THAT THE RISKS IN THRONES WORK BEST BECAUSE THAT BOOK SET UP FAIRLY STANDARD NARRATIVE AND WHEN EVERYTHING GO TO SHIT, IT TRULY RESONATE BECAUSE IT BOTH NEW AND UNEXPECTED. BUT THEN THE OTHER BOOKS COME ALONG AND MARTIN NOT AFRAID GO DEEPER DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE AND TORTURE/KILL OFF MORE BELOVED CHARACTERS IN UNCEREMONIOUS WAYS.
AT WORST, THIS COME OFF AS PURE SADISM, A WRITER WHO CAN ONLY DELIGHT IN TORTURING THE READER. HULK ARGUE THAT IT MORE LIKELY HE JUST A WRITER WHO MISTAKE SURPRISE AND SHOCK FOR ACTUAL GRAVITAS AND SIGNIFICANCE, SOMEONE WHOSE ONLY WAY TO EMOTIONALLY RESONATE WITH YOU TO PISS YOU OFF EVERY 40 PAGES OR SO. BUT AT BEST, MARTIN UNDERPIN THESE MOMENTS WITH THE SLIGHTEST TRAPPINGS OF HOPE. BUTH THOSE PRETTY RARE. HULK MOST CONSOLED THROUGH THE META-REALIZATION THAT THERE ACTUALLY A WRITER OUT THERE MORE THAN WILLING TO BE BOLD; TO TRY AND ARTICULATE THE RANDOMNESS AND CHAOS OF NATURAL LIFE AND BRING IT INTO GENRE WRITING RATHER THAN MODERN FICTION. IT A BOLD AIM. BUT THE TRUTH THAT HULK NOT REALLY SURE… G.R.R. MARTIN SEEM ALTERNATE BETWEEN THESE TWO ENDS OF SPECTRUM AND OFTEN APPEAR BE DOING BOTH AT ONCE.
BUT EVEN HULK CAN DISTINGUISH THAT A FEAST FOR CROWS THE LEAST DARING BOOK HULK EVER READ.
THERE TRULY NOT ONE SINGLE NARRATIVE “RISK” MARTIN SO FAMOUS FOR. NOW, HULK NOT SAYING HULK INNATELY REQUIRE THESE RISKY-RISKS TAKE PLACE, AS IF HULK SOME READER TAKING THIS IN ON PURE OCD LEVEL. IT JUST THAT WITHOUT THESE RISKS, MARTIN NOT REALLY HAVE NARRATIVE BACKBONE FALL BACK ON. FACED WITH THE COMPLETE ABSENCE OF SHOCK, HULK REALIZED MARTIN HAVE PISS POOR-CONCEPT OF DRAMA (BUT AGAIN, MORE ON THAT LATER).
ACTUALLY, KNOW WHAT? IF HULK TALKING ABOUT BOOK ON META LEVEL, THEN HULK COULD ARGUE CROWS THE MOST DARING OF ALL FOUR BOOKS; IN THAT MARTIN RELEASE OF BOOK WHERE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF INTEREST HAPPEN OVER 1000 PAGES AND THE BEST CHARACTERS ALL REMOVED. BETTER YET, IT WEAKLY IMPLY THE NARRATIVE MOVING TOWARD BIG CHANGES AND CLIMACTIC ACTION, BUT THEN PROMPTLY END BOOK ON SERIES OF EMPTY THREATS AND FUCK-ALL GESTURES… SO YEAH… IN THAT WAY THE BOOK SUPER DARING.
LIKE THIS
DOES CROWS TRULY WASTE ALL THAT TIME ON POINTLESS NARRATIVE?
YES.
IT TOTALLY DOES.
CONCEPTUALLY, CROWS JUST GO WITH EVERY WRONG INSTINCT POSSIBLE. IT SORT OF AMAZING.
SO LET HULK DELVE:
… AND OH YEAH, BEWARE THE SUPER-DUPER-SPOILERS:
FOR STARTERS, WHERE DID HULK LAST LEAVE SOME AWESOME CHARACTERS AT END OF SWORDS? DANEYRS = NOW IN CHARGE OF MINI-EMPIRE ACROSS THE SEA AND SHE TOTALLY A BADASS. TYRION = JUST KILLED HIS DADDY AND TOTALLY A BADASS. JON SNOW = NOW BEING PUT IN CHARGE OF WALL AND TOTALLY A BADASS. CATELYN = REVEALED TO BE STILL ALIVE AND HANGING FREYS WITH THE LORD OF LIGHT AND NOW TOTALLY A BADASS ZOMBIE. STANNIS = NOW A KING WHO SAVED THE WALL AND WANTS TO MAKE JON SNOW LORD OF WINTERFELL AND TOTALLY A BADASS. DAVOS = NOW AT ODDS WITH MELISSANDRE AND STANNIS, YET STILL SOMEWHAT A BADASS.
AFTER ALL THAT, HULK COULD NO WAIT READ CROWS.
EXCEPT THAT ALMOST ALL THOSE CHARACTERS NOT IN THE BOOK WHATSOEVER.
IN FACT, THEY BARELY EVEN MENTIONED BY OTHERS. AND IF ONE OR TWO DO APPEAR IN BOOK, IT ONLY FOR LIKE TWO SECONDS. AND OH YEAH, IN THE WORST CASE, ONE APPARENTLY KILLED OFF.
… UGH.
SO WHAT HULK TREATED TO INSTEAD? HULK GET CERSEI, JAIMIE, BRIENNE, AND SAMWELL…GOOD GOD. ..MARTIN REALLY IS A SADIST. AND WAIT TIL YOU SEE HOW LITTLE FOCUS ARYA AND SANSA GET WHEN COMPARED TO THE THESE FUCKERS. THEY EVEN GET WAY LESS TIME THEN WHOLE BUNCH OF NEW ASSHAT CHARACTERS.
LOOK. HULK MAYBE BELIEVE THERE SOME VERSION OF THIS STORY THAT SUCCEED IN ITS AIM AND HANDLE THE DIRECTION OF THESE CHARACTERS. HULK TRULY DO. HULK NOT REACTING OUT OF SOME O.C.D. SPASM HERE. THE PROBLEM THAT WHAT IN MARTIN TRYING ACCOMPLISH, HE DO PISS POOR JOB OF. MARTIN’S APPROACH TO STRUCTURING THIS NOVEL = DEEPLY PROBLEMATIC.
TO HIGHLIGHT, HULK GOING SUMMARIZE THE ENTIRE PLOTS OF EACH CHARACTER AND LOOK AT CHAPTER/PAGE COUNTS INVOLVED TELLING THE STORIES. NOW, THIS NOT IMPLY PAGE COUNTS SOME MAGIC INDICATOR OF WASTE, HULK JUST TRYING SHOW EXACTLY WHERE MARTIN’S FOCUS WAS WHILE WRITING:
CERSEI – THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN HER SWAN SONG. WHEN STORY STARTED HULK SOMEWHAT INTERESTED BECAUSE SHE FINALLY GIVEN THE POWER SHE ALWAYS CRAVED. AND MARTIN MAKE IT CLEAR EARLY ON JUST HOW PROBLEMATIC THIS GOING TO BE. THE LARGER PROBLEM = CERSEI STILL A CHARACTER THAT MARTIN HAVE NO INTEREST IN MAKING SOMETHING OTHER THAN CRAZY-PSYCHO-BITCH. THERE LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE GOING ON WITH HER ON CHARACTER LEVEL. CERSEI SIMPLY IS. SO NATURALLY, IN THE BOOK THIS HORRIBLY STAGNANT CHARACTER GET RECORD-SETTING 10 CHAPTERS OF SINGULAR FOCUS AND RECORD-SETTING207 PAGES OF PLOT LINE. WHAT COULD DESERVE SO MUCH ATTENTION? NOT MUCH. THE FOLLOWING ALL THAT CERSEI DO IN BOOK: SHE HIRE “YES MEN” AS ADVISERS, SHE HAVE COMPLETELY ABSURD THROWAWAY LESBIAN AFFAIR, SHE SIT AROUND THINKING ABOUT HOW SHE NOT LIKE THE INFLUENCE OF TOMMENS NEW OLDER BRIDE, SHE SCHEME IN HER MIND TO TAKE THEM DOWN BY ARMING THE HIGH SEPTONS, AND THEN THE HIGH SEPTONS ULTIMATELY ARRESTING HER FOR TREASON… NOW… THIS SOUND LIKE DECENT-IF-SORT-OF-OBVIOUS ARC, FOR SURE. THE SPECIFICS FINE… BUT IT ABSOLUTELY COULD HAVE BEEN HANDLED IN 4 CHAPTERS OVER ABOUT 70 PAGES. INSTEAD, THERE HAVE BE ABOUT 100 PAGES OF CERSEI JUST THINKING PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES. OVER + OVER + OVER AGAIN. HULK REALLY JUST WANTED HER TO SHUT UP. AND THEN THERE WERE LIKE 90 TIMES PRINCESS MARGEARY DO SOMETHING THAT MAKE YOU THINK CERSEI GONNA BLOW GASKET AND INTERVENE, BUT THEN CERSEI DO NOTHING. SHE JUST THINK OF SOMETHING BAD TO SAY IN HER HEAD. HULK UNDERSTAND HOW THIS TRYING SHOW THAT CERSEI BEING CAUTIOUS FOR CHANGE AND WAITING FOR FOR BIG MOVE, BUT AFTER DOING THAT 40 TIMES, HERE HULK’S QUESTION… HOW THE FUCK IS THAT DRAMA? GUESS WHAT? IT NOT! AND THIS WHOLE PLOT LINE THAT TAKE UP 1/4 OF THE BOOK! AND THE BIG CLIFFHANGER = CERSEI WRITING LETTER TO JAIME PLEADING FOR HELP… THAT IT.
JAIME – A CHARACTER THAT GROWING INCREASINGLY LIKABLE/INCREASINGLY HONORABLE GET 7 CHAPTERS AND 140 PAGES AND DO NOTHING BUT: GET BITCHED AT BY CERSEI, GO ON WALK ACROSS COUNTRYSIDE, OBSESSES OVER HOW CERSEI CHEATED ON HIM, STAY WITH RELATIVES AND LISTEN TO THEM BITCHING, THEN FINALLY GETS TO GOAL OF THE SIEGE OF RIVERRUN! ONLY INSTEAD OF DOING ANYTHING BIG, HE JUST NEGOTIATE PEACE. THE TRUTH = THAT HULK LIKE JAIME SEEM BE FINDING HIS SOUL. BUT THERE JUST SUCH NAKED OBVIOUSNESS ABOUT WHOLE THING. AND HIS MOVE TOWARD INACTION WORSENED BY THE FACT THAT THE BOOK NOTHING BUT INACTION. THERE NO POIGNANCY. AND THE BIG CLIFFHANGER = JAIME HAVING NO INTEREST IN ANSWERING CERSEI’S PLEA AND THROWING AWAY LETTER… A NICE GESTURE, BUT STILL, JUST A GESTURE. THERE NO BIG CONFLICT IN ANY OF JAIME’S ARC. IT A MAN BECOMING INCREASINGLY BORED AND ANNOYED BY HIS ROLE. SO GUESS WHAT THE READER EXPERIENCE?
NOW WITH A FACE!
BRIENNE – SHE PROBABLY THE MOST LIKABLE CHARACTER, BUT THAT NOT EXACTLY MEAN SHE INTERESTING. SHE OFTEN NOTHING BUT BLIND FAITH AND NAIVETY. AND SO THE BOOK TAKE 8 CHAPTERS AND 164 PAGES OF BRIENNE WANDERING AROUND ON AIMLESS QUEST THROUGH THE FIELDS NORTH OF KINGS LANDING, ASKING THE SAME EXACT QUESTION: “HAVE YOU SEEN A MAIDEN OF TEN AND THREE WITH AUBURN HAIR?” SHE ASK THAT QUESTION AT LEAST 4 MILLION TIMES (GIVE OR TAKE). ASIDE FROM THAT, BRIENNE MEET A WHOLE BUNCH OF FALSE LEADS, TAKE ON A FEW BORING TRAVELERS, AND HAVE A COUPLE SKIRMISHES WITH CHARACTERS HULK LITERALLY FORGOT EXISTED. BUT THE BIG CLIFFHANGER = DRAMA! CONFLICT! FINALLY! BRIENNE BROUGHT TO LADY CATELYN, THE VERY PERSON THE READER BEEN WANTING TO FOLLOW UP WITH FOR 1000 PAGES. AND CATELYN WHO NOW ASSUME BRIENNE A TRAITOR! THIS THE EXACT KIND OF STUFF MARTIN DO WELL. SO RIGHT WHEN THEY ABOUT TO STRING UP BRIENNE AND HANG HER SHE MANAGE SAY ONE WORD JUST BEFORE IT HAPPEN. END STORYLINE… OKAY… NOW THIS ENDING NOT ACTUALLY AN ACTION. IT THE THREAT OF ACTION. WHICH MEAN THIS GESTURE WOULD BE INTERESTING IF HULK THOUGHT THIS REALLY THE END OF BRIENNE… BUT IT JUST SO NAKEDLY A FAKE-OUT. EVERYONE KNOW SHE ABOUT SAY “ARYA” OR “SANSA” AND LADY CATELYN WILL NOT HANG HER TO LEARN WHAT SHE KNOW ABOUT HER DAUGHTERS. BUT HERE THE THING: EVEN IF HULK WRONG AND THAT THE ACTUALLY THE END OF BRIENNE, THE ALL RESONANCE STILL LOST. MARTIN TELEGRAPHED THE FEINT SO BADLY THAT HULK NOT EMOTIONALLY INVESTED EVEN IF IT HER LAST MOMENT. IT COMPLETELY COLLAPSE IN ON SELF. WHICH MEAN HULK LITERALLY NOT CARE WHAT HAPPEN NEXT WITH CHARACTER HULK LIKE VERY MUCH… HURRAY.
SANSA – SANSA, AN ACTUAL STARK, MEANWHILE GET JUST 3 CHAPTERS AND 73 PAGES. REALLY, SHE BARELY IN IT. THE BIGGER PROBLEM THAT HER STORYLINE JUST AS UNINTERESTING AS THE OTHERS. SANSA MOSTLY SIT AROUND TAKING CARE OF SICKLY BOY ROBERT. THEN SANSA ACTUALLY GETS PRETTY NEAT THING REVEALED TO HER BY LITTLEFINGER AT END… THE ONLY THING IS IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LOT NICER SEE LITTLEFINGER’S SCHEME AT PLAY AND NOT SIMPLY RECAPPED TO US IN FOUR PAGE MONOLOGUE. EVER HEAR “SHOW DON’T TELL?” MARTIN FUCKING LOVES TO JUST TELL. AND EVEN THEN IT NOT EVEN AN ACTION, JUST A PLAN. ABOUT AS WORTHWHILE DRAMATICALLY AS THE EMPTY GESTURES. OF COURSE, THE BIGGER PROBLEM OF HANDLING SANSA IN SUCH ECONOMIC FASHION THAT IT MAKE YOU WONDER WHY THE FUCK THE OTHER OTHER CHARACTERS COULDN’T HAVE ENJOYED THE SAME ECONOMY.
ARYA – NOW… THIS ONE COULD HAVE BEEN PRETTY NEAT, BUT IT ONLY ENDED UP BEING MERE INTRODUCTION. ARYA JUST GET 3 CHAPTERS AND JUST 58 PAGES (THE LOWEST TOTAL ANY CHARACTER GET IN ANY BOOK) TO TELL HER TALE. AND THAT SUCKS BECAUSE ARYA NOW IN BRAVOS AND SHE BEGIN LEARNING THE WAYS OF THE ONE WITH MANY FACES. AND WHAT LITTLE THERE = TOTALLY FANTASTIC. IT A RESONANT, EMOTIONAL, DARK, AND HAUNTING PLOT-LINE…. SO OF COURSE MARTIN BARELY GIVE IT ANY ATTENTION. THE WORST OFFENSE THAT HULK ACTUALLY FORGOT WHAT HAPPENED AT END OF HER PLOT BECAUSE IT HAPPENED SO MUCH EARLIER IN BOOK THEN THE REST OF STORY’S “CLIMAXES”… BOO.
YUP. ME.
SAMWELL – UGH. SAM. AT BEGINNING HE SENT BY JON TO OLDTOWN BECOME A MAESTER. HULK SORT OF GET ON BOARD WITH THAT IDEA AND HULK EXCITED FINALLY BE PULLED INTO THAT WORLD, ESPECIALLY AFTER THE TEASE AT BEGINNING WHICH INSINUATE SOME MAJOR INTRIGUE GOING ON THERE… BUT SAM’S JOURNEY TAKES 5 CHAPTERS AND 87 PAGES AND IT BARELY GET THERE. THE MOST SIGNIFICANT THING THAT HAPPEN ALONG THE WAY = AEMON DIES. AND SAM MAYBE HAD SEX WITH A GILLY. IT SORT OF GLOSSED OVER. FOR THE MOST PART SAM JUST FUTZES AROUND AND FEELS HELPLESS. AGAIN, HULK LIKE HIS CHARACTER, BUT DRAMATIZING FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE JUST SO ENDLESSLY ANNOYING. AND WITH SAM, MARTIN CONTINUALLY USE ONE OF HIS WORST DRAMATIC CONVENTIONS OF HAVING SAM AT NEW/DIFFERENT PLACE THAT RECOUNTING HOW HE GOT THERE. THIS CAN BE FINE, BUT OFTEN IT SAP THE ENERGY OF NARRATIVE RIGHT OUT. ANYCRAP, SAM EVENTUALLY GET TO OLDTOWN AND THE BIG ENDING GESTURE OF HIS STORY? THE ONE THAT CAPPING OFF THIS LONG-ASS JOURNEY? THE SAME GESTURE THAT SUPPOSEDLY WORTHY ENOUGH TO BE THE ENDING GESTURE/CLIFFHANGER FOR THE ENTIRE BOOK? SAM MEET A TINY CHARACTER WHO DIED FOR SOME REASON IN THE OPENING TEASE. A CHARACTER WE NO CARE ABOUT. AND THE READER STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT HAVE DO WITH ANYTHING WHATSOEVER OR WHAT IT EVEN IMPLYING… UGH… FUCKING GARBAGE.
THE DORNISH FOLK! – NOW THIS WHERE THE NEW BOOK TAKE LEFT TURN AND INTRODUCE LOTS NEW CHARACTERS. ONLY INSTEAD OF GETTING ONE CHARACTER TO FOLLOW AND GET TO LIKE, THERE A ROTATION OF “ONE-OFFS” THAT ALL HAVE DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE ON STORY. ON SURFACE THIS SEEM LIKE INTERESTING IDEA. SOME CHARACTERS COULD HAVE DIFFERENT KNOWLEDGE OF EVENTS AND HOW THINGS PIECING TOGETHER. IT SEEM LIKE GOOD OPPORTUNITY FOR INTRIGUE… EXCEPT IT USED FOR SHIT. HULK CAN LITERALLY THINK OF NO ADVANTAGE GAINED BY HOW MARTIN USES THIS DEVICE IN CROWS. NONE. THE WHOLE DORNISH PLOT-LINE INVOLVE THE VARIOUS FAMILY MEMBERS OF THE RED VIPER WANTING TO GO TO WAR AND THEN THE CURRENT PRINCE JUST PREVENTING THEM. AT FIRST HE JUST SEEMS LIKE WUSS, BUT AFTER 4 CHAPTERS AND 85 FUCKING PAGES IT JUST REVEALED THAT THE PRINCE ALREADY HAVE MASTERPLAN WITH DANY ACROSS THE SEA… MAYBE… IT ACTUALLY NOT ALL THAT FUCKING CLEAR. THE POINT IS IT NOTHING BUT MORE INACTION.
THE FUCKING IRON ISLANDS GANG – QUICK! WANTED TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THE IRON ISLANDS? EVERY PERSON WHO LIVED THERE? THEIR TRADITIONS? EVER HEARD OF A KINGSMOOT? WELL YOU IN LUCK! AND BY THE WAY, THERE’S NO THEON, WHO THE ONLY ACTUAL MEMBER OF THIS CREW IT BE NICE REVISIT AND FIND OUT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WITH HIM…. BOO… BUT REALLY THE PROBLEM WITH THIS WHOLE IRON ISLANDS THING THAT WE EVENTUALLY INTRODUCED TO WHAT ASSUMED TO BE MAJOR CHARACTER: THE CROW’S EYE. HIS STORY ABOUT GOING TO VALYRIA = ALLURING AS FUCK, AND HE EVEN REVEALED TO HAVE THIS GAME CHANGING WEAPON AT HIS DISPOSAL (WOW, THESE MAGIC GIANT HORNS PRETTY POWERFUL HUH? REMEMBER THE ONE THAT CAN TAKE DOWN THE WALL? BET YOU DIDNT REMEMBER IT CAUSE IT NOT EVEN MENTIONED IN THIS BOOK). THIS NEW IRON ISLANDS RULER IMPLIED THAT HE CAN BE THE GUY WHO CAN TAKE DOWN DANY’S DRAGONS! CRAZY! THAT PRETTY INTERESTING… SO PARDON HULK BUT WHY SPEND 5 CHAPTERS AND 96 PAGES AND NOT REALLY KNOW ANYTHING SUBSTANTIAL ABOUT THIS FUCKER. OH HULK COULD TELL YOU ALL ABOUT AERON, OR ASHA, OR VICTARION, OR THE LIBRARIAN OR WHOEVER ELSE THE FUCK. WE GET SPEND HOURS WITH THEM FOR SOME REASON. BUT THE ACTUAL INTERESTING GUY WHO FULL OF INTRIGUE? BEST KEEP HIM ON THE PERIPHERAL. AND HOW DOES HIS STORY ROUND OUT? OH YEAH. MARTIN NEVER MENTIONS THEM OR THEIR STORYLINE FOR THE LAST 1/3 OF THE BOOK. SERIOUSLY, ALL THE IRON ISLANDS CHARACTERS STOP BEING MENTIONED ON PAGE 633. IT SO FAR FROM END THAT HULK FORGOT ABOUT YET ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER. AND HULK MEAN, WHY DEAL WITH THAT STORY, WHEN YOU CAN HAVE BRIENNE WANDER A BIT MORE?
SO THAT = A FEAST OF CROWS IN ALL IT GLORY.
HULK WORRY THAT WHAT HULK JUST DESCRIBED SEEM LIKE A LOT. BUT TRULY IT NOT. IT THE PLOT FOR WHAT HULK ESTIMATE TO BE A 400 PAGE BOOK THAT STILL FEEL ORGANIC… IN FACT, HULK MORE OR LESS COVERED EVERY SINGLE PLOT POINT IN FEW HUNDRED WORDS… SO OVER 1000 PAGES OF IT = FUCKING TEDIUM. BORING. REPETITIVE. MIND-NUMBING. TEDIUM.
TO HIGHLIGHT JUST HOW THIS SO, HULK WANT THINK ABOUT THE POSSIBLE SEASON OF TV BASED ON THIS BOOK (THAT NOT GOING HAPPEN, IT WILL BE TIED WITH DRAGONS, BUT STILL, HEAR HULK OUT). WHAT PARTICULARLY TELLING THAT THERE JUST SO LITTLE ACTION TO DRAMATIZE. HULK NOT TALKING ABOUT “ACTION SCENES” BUT EVEN JUST CONFRONTATIONS AND CONFLICT. EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENING IN BOOK HAPPENING ON OBSERVATIONAL LEVEL. THERE LIKE 4 ACTUAL EVENTS OF CONFLICT. MAYBE IT GET SOME MILEAGE OUT OF CERSEI’S POLITICAL DECISIONS, BUT FOR MOST PART THOSE EQUALLY REPETITIVE. THERE LITERALLY NOTHING TO USE IN TERMS OF DRAMA. AND EVEN IF THE TV SHOW USE A DANCE WITH DRAGONS THEY STILL GOING HAVE DIVIDE MATERIAL UP OVER TWO SEASONS (AT LEAST THAT THE PLAN) SO THEY ONLY HAVE HALF MATERIAL FROM EACH TO GO WITH… AND GIVEN HOW LITTLE THERE ALREADY IS, HULK JUST NO SEE HOW IT POSSIBLE. IF THE NEW BOOK ANYTHING LIKE THIS LAST ONE, IT WOULD MEAN THERE LIKELY ONLY 1 SEASON OF MATERIAL TO GET OUT OF 2,500 FREAKING PAGES. THIS TV-ADAPTING THING MATTER TO HULK BECAUSE IT REFLECT JUST HOW MUCH THIS BOOK = A NON-STORY.
ULTIMATELY, IT JUST MAKE CROWS THE MOST UN-CONSCIENTIOUSLY UNSATISFYING AND MAYBE THE “WORST” BOOK HULK EVER READ. OH SURE, STUFF LIKE TWILIGHT FAR MORE INSIPID.(4) BUT HULK NEVER READ A BOOK THAT SO AMAZINGLY FORGET ITS CORE IDENTITY AND MISSION. HULK GET ALL OF MARTIN’S INCLINATIONS, BUT IT JUST SEEM LIKE THE COMPLETE MISUNDERSTANDING OF WHY PEOPLE READING THE BOOK. THE TANGENTS AND REALISM OF ROAD TRAVEL = THE WINDOW DRESSING THAT HELP ONE ENJOY THE OBJECTIVE, NOT THE OBJECTIVE ITSELF. THIS LIKE IF J.K. ROWLING WROTE A VOLUME OF HARRY POTTER THAT JUST THE CAMPING.
WHAT COULD TRULY POSSESSED GEORGE R.R. MARTIN TO WRITE THE BOOK LIKE THIS?
GOOD GOD, WE GOING HAVE GO INTO HIS MIND NOW...
IT POSSIBLY JUST ONE TERRIBLE DECISION. MARTIN APPARENTLY GOT MOST WAY THROUGH WRITING CROWS BUT HE THOUGHT IT TOO LONG… SO HE JUST, YA KNOW, TOOK OUT ALL BEST CHARACTERS AND EITHER NO EDIT THE OTHERS OR STUFF THEM FULL OF EVERY DETAILED WHIM. IT LIKE MARTIN HAVE SOME SECRET REQUIREMENT THAT THESE FUCKERS BE OVER 1000 PAGES. AGAIN, THIS EXACT STORY COULD HAVE BEEN 400 PAGE BOOK AND EVEN THEN IT STILL NOT VERY INTERESTING. AND NO TELL HULK PAGE COUNT NO MATTER. ECONOMY HELP DRIVE STORY AS WELL AS CHARACTERIZATION. IT NO ACCIDENT THAT THE BEST BOOK IN SERIES, A GAME OF THRONES, ONLY 694 PAGES. IT HAVE MUCH, MUCH BETTER PACING.
BUT REALLY THE DECISION TO STRUCTURE BOOK LIKE THIS GO BACK TO WHAT HULK CONSIDER HIS BIGGEST PROBLEM:
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN WRITE LIKE AN ANT WALKS.
HEAR HULK OUT: THIS NOT TO IMPLY HIS WRITING JUST SLOW (WHICH IT IS), BUT INSTEAD THAT MARTIN SEEMS TO TREAD SLOWLY AND DELIBERATELY THROUGH EVERY WORD HE WRITING WITHOUT GIVING SINGLE THOUGHT TO PACING, ARC, BEATS, ETC. THIS NOT TO IMPLY HE UNAWARE OF THEM. BUT HE DEVISE A POINT A AND POINT B AND THEN JUST TAKE THESE LONG, STEADY STEPS, ONE AFTER ANOTHER TOWARD CONNECTING THEM. THE NARRATIVE FOR EACH CHARACTER JUST A STRAIGHT LINE, WHICH DESCRIBING EVERY LITTLE BIT OF NEEDLESS DETAIL ALONG WAY (EVEN WHEN THE DETAILS INTERESTING, THEY NEVER TRANSCENDENT… AND MOST OF THE DETAILS NOT THAT INTERESTING). NOT ONLY THE PROCESS = TEDIOUS, IT CAUSE THE NOVELS BE DISTINCTLY “A-DRAMATIC.” LOOK, HULK LIKE AN ORGANIC FLESHED-OUT NOVEL AS MUCH ANYONE. GIVE HULK JOYCE, FAULKNER, PYNCHON, OR DFW ANYTIME. (5) BUT THOSE VERY DIFFERENT KIND OF BOOKS WITH VERY DIFFERENT SORTS OF AIMS. THE VERBOSE NATURE OF THE DETAILS WITHIN THEM SPEAK TO LARGER THEMATIC POINTS. AND THE LARGER POINT OFTEN SEEM ESCAPE MARTIN.
MARTIN TRULY SHOWCASES A DISTINCT LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. HE SEEM IN CONTROL OF THE WRITING AND CHARACTERIZATION, BUT IT LIKE THE ACTUAL STORY VOMITTED FROM HIS ID, PAGE BY PAGE. PERHAPS HE KNOW THE ENDGAMES FOR CHARACTERS. BUT FOR LONG STRETCHES IT JUST SEEM LIKE THERE NOT EVEN SLIGHTEST INKLING OF PLAN OR DEVELOPMENT. THE CHARACTERS SIMPLY ARE AND RARELY CHANGE. THE STORY HAPPENS AROUND THEM.
AND THE VOMITING ID NOWHERE MORE OBVIOUS THEN THE LUDICROUS SEXUAL HANG-UPS ON DISPLAY THROUGHOUT THE SERIES. HULK KNOW SOME WRITERS BORDER ON MASTURBATORY, BUT THIS THE ABSOLUTE PINNACLE OF MASTURBATORY WRITING. HULK WOULD BET LIFE SAVINGS THAT GEORGE RR. MARTIN TOTALLY JERKED IT TO VAST MAJORITY OF HIS SEX SCENES. THEY THAT ABSURD. THE LANGUAGE USED LIKE NOTHING ELSE IN THE BOOKS. THE NARRATIVE WILL ABSOLUTELY STOP FOR FULL-ON PAGES SO THAT WE CAN HAVE LURID DESCRIPTIONS OF WOMEN’S BODIES (SORRY STRAIGHT LADIES, MARTIN NOT INTERESTED IN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY OGLING). THE TRUTH INESCAPABLE: GEORGE R.R.R MARTIN TOTALLY MASTURBATES TO OWN WRITING.
PICTURE IT! MWUHAHAHAHA! PICTURE IT!
YEAH, TOTALLY GROSS.
IN THRONES IT ALL SEEMED INNOCENT ENOUGH. WE GOT A MARRIED COUPLE AND FEW OTHER BITS. AT FIRST THE THREATS OF RAPE AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE WORK EXACTLY AS INTENDED (TO MAKE READER FEEL VULNERABLE AND SCARED) AND THEN AT ONE POINT IT JUST ERUPT INTO MARTIN’S DISTURBING SEXUAL ID. MARTIN GO FULL PAST IMPLYING THAT RAPE A FACT OF LIFE IN THESE DAYS, AND INSTEAD IT BORDER ON MANIACAL INSISTENCE. THE WHOLE “PEOPLE = HORRIBLE” HYPOTHESIS LOST ALL NARRATIVE EFFECT. MARTIN PROVED IT. AND ULTIMATELY IT JUST MAKE HULK FEEL EITHER TIRED AND UNSEEMLY. THE WORST REACTION HULK CAN HAVE = TO READ SOME HORRIBLE STUFF AND JUST SHRUG. BUT THAT WHAT MARTIN DO. THERE NO HINT OF META-UNDERSTANDING TO VIOLENCE AND SEX . THIS NOT A CLOCKWORK ORANGE TREATMENT. IT A COMPULSION.
FRANKLY, THE CONSENSUAL SEX NOT ANY BETTER. SWORDS HAVE ONE INCREDIBLE MOMENT WHERE MARTIN WRITE HIS PAINFULLY-OBVIOUS REDHEAD FANTASY WITH JON AND YIGRITTE. IT FILLED WITH ALL THIS MODERN VERNACULAR AND INANITY THAT IT MADE HULK HURL THE BOOK ACROSS ROOM IN DISGUST. HULK NOT EXAGGERATING WHATSOEVER WHEN HULK SAY IT READ LIKE A HIGH SCHOOLER’S SLASH FIC PORN.
AND CROWS HAVE THE DISTINCTION OF INTRODUCING READER TO MARTIN’S SWEET NIPPLE FETISH! AND THANKFULLY, THE COLOR, SIZE, AND PROXIMITY OF EVERY NIPPLE IN THE BOOK ACCOUNTED FOR IN EARNEST. HULK ESTIMATE A HEALTHY 50 PAGES DEVOTED TO NIPPLES AND THE VARIOUS THINGS PEOPLE WANT TO DO WITH NIPPLES. AND FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT INTERESTED IN THIS STRAIGHT-UP SEXUALITY SHIT, NO WORRY! THERE PLENTY OF SUDDEN AND STRANGE S+M BITS WITH IN-DEPTH DETAIL ABOUT HOW WOMEN TORTURED AND THEIR NIPPLES CUT OR BITTEN OFF. IT FUN FOR ALL!
OKAY, HERE THE THING ABOUT MARTIN’S CREEPY-ASS SEXUAL HANGUPS: IN BOOK FORM THEY INSUFFERABLE. BUT ON TV, THE SEXUALIZATION PRESENTED THROUGH THIRD PARTIES. WE NOT GOING DIRECTLY INTO SOME WEIRD GUYS HEAD, WE JUST GETTING SEX PRESENTED BY HOST OF ACTORS AND WHOLE SERIES OF DECISION MAKERS, ETC. NOW HULK KNOW THERE SERIOUS AND OFTEN UNSEEMLY SEXUAL POWER-POLITICS THAT GO INTO ON-SCREEN NUDITY (AND FOR SURE AND HULK NOT DISCOUNTING THEM), BUT HULK JUST TRYING TO POINT OUT THAT THERE A MORE DEMOCRATIC AND LESS-ICKY SENSIBILITY TO IT ON TV. THE SEX “EXIST” IN A WAY THAT VIEWER SEEMLY WATCH.(6) WHEN READING, HOWEVER, THE READER COMPLICIT IN CONSTRUCTING THE SCENES FROM MARTIN’S FUCKED UP IMAGINATION. HULK KNOW THIS ALL SORT OF MACLUEN-ESQUE, BUT IT PARAMOUNT. THE NUDITY ABSOLUTELY GRATUITOUS ON THE SHOW, BUT RARELY IT FEEL OUTRIGHT PORNOGRAPHIC. MEANWHILE, MARTIN’S BOOKS = ABSOLUTELY PORNOGRAPHIC.
WHICH BRINGS HULK TO A DECLARATION OF INTENSE SACRILEGE:
THE TV SHOW = WAY BETTER THAN THE BOOKS.
IT TRUE. AND NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE SEXUALITY. ALL THROUGHOUT FIRST THREE BOOKS HULK JUST KEPT SAYING TO HULKSELF: “THIS WILL WORK REALLY WELL ON TV!” AND IT DID. ALL THE BEATS OF THRONES CAME OFF LIKE GANGBUSTERS. BETTER YET, ALL THE NARRATIVE PROBLEMS OF BOOKS DRIFT AWAY AND WE LEFT WITH THE GREAT CHARACTERS, A GREAT ENVIRONMENT, AND SOME GREAT OVER-ARCHING CONFLICTS. THE AMAZING ACTORS PROVIDED THE CHARACTERS WITH A SUBTLE, ROUNDED NATURE THAT MARTIN NEVER COULD. THE FAT GOT TRIMMED. THE PACE FOCUSED. THE THEMATICS RAMMED HOME. THE SHOW FEEL BALANCED IN WAY THE BOOKS NEVER EVEN COME CLOSE ACHIEVING. YES, IT ALL STEM FROM MARTIN’S DELIGHTFULLY MESSED-UP ID AND HULK THANKFUL FOR BOTH HIM AND HIS VISION, BUT THE SHOW GET FILTERED THROUGH MANY TALENTED FOLKS TILL IT APPROXIMATED INTO SOMETHING BETTER.
PICTURED: BETTERNESS
AND IF HULK BEING SUPER HONEST, HULK THINK THE LOVE OF THE BOOKS MISGUIDED IN GENERAL. HULK KNOW THIS MIGHT BE UNPOPULAR OPINION OR MAKE HULK SOUND LIKE A FUDDY-DUDDY. THE FANS OF SERIES REALLY DEVOTED AND HULK UNDERSTAND THE DEVOTION. THEY VALUE THE PROPERTY BECAUSE IT DO THINGS FEW OTHER THINGS EVEN TRY TO DO. BUT HULK JUST BEING HONEST ABOUT OPINIONS AND ONLY THINGS GOOD COME FROM HONESTY. SO HERE GOES:
HULK THINK THE FIRST BOOK = A GREAT STORY AND THE SECOND HALF OF THE THIRD = THE PERFECT KIND OF NUTS. BUT HULK THINK THE GOODWILL OF ENTIRE SERIES TRULY INDEBTED TO BRUTAL, DEEPLY RESONANT MOMENT WHERE THEY KILLED OFF NED STARK. HULK TALKED ABOUT THE SHOCK OF THAT INITIAL READ AND HOW ELECTRIFYING IT FELT. SO FROM THAT POINT ON, READING THE BOOKS = TRYING RECAPTURE WHAT MAKE THAT SINGULAR MOMENT SO GOOD. ONLY THIS A FALSE AIM. THE REASON FOR THIS TWO-FOLD: 1) BECAUSE WE SUBCONSCIOUSLY CRAVE “THE SHOCK” THE READER CAN NO LONGER EXPERIENCE IT IN SAME WAY AS ONCE DID. THIS AMPLIFIED BY 2) MARTIN NOT REALLY HAVING MUCH ELSE TO DRAW BACK ON WHICH CAN ACHIEVE SAME LEVEL OF RESONANCE. HE NO WRITE BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS. HE NO WRITE CATHARTIC MOMENTS. TIME AND TIME AGAIN, MARTIN COME AT YOU WITH THE SAME EXACT TACTICS OF DOURNESS, DEATH, AND SHOCK. ONLY NOW THEY LESS AND LESS EFFECTIVE . HECK, IN NEXT BOOK, ANY CHARACTER COULD DIE FOR ANY REASON AND IT NO SURPRISE HULK WHATSOEVER. FUCK, DANY COULD GET HIT BY A BUS.
WHAT IT MEAN THAT THE READER PARTICIPATE IN THESE NOVELS LIKE A DRUG ADDICT.
HULK KNOW THIS SOUND LIKE HYPERBOLE. BUT IT TRUE. HULK GOT THE “FIRST HIGH” AT NED STARK’S DECAPITATION AND NOW BEEN CHASING THAT HIGH WITH DIMINISHING RETURNS EVERY TIME. THAT EXACTLY WHAT IT MEAN TO BE DRUG ADDICT. BUT HULK KEEP DOING IT NO MATTER HOW ENRAGING AND AWFUL BECAUSE, FOR BETTER OR WORSE, HULK SIMPLY IN AT THIS POINT. HULK JUST ADDICTED AS ALL THE OTHER DEVOTED READERS.
EVEN IF CROWS FEEL LIKE A “BOTTOMING OUT” MOMENT.
SO, IF EXCUSE, HULK HAVE PREPARE HULK-SELF FOR OBLIGATION OF A DANCE WITH DRAGONS IN FEW DAYS.
…HERE’S HOPING SOMETHING HAPPEN IN IT.
ENDNOTES:
(1) – HULK READ IT IN ABOUT 5 DAYS. THAT SEEM A LITTLE EXTREME FOR 1000 PAGE BOOK, BUT IT JUST THAT THOSE DAYS COMPRISED TWO CROSS COUNTRY FLIGHTS AND FREAKING TON OF DOWN TIME. SO JUST KNOW HULK NOT TRYING IMPLY IT “ELECTRIFYING-CAN-NO-PUT-IT-DOWN-READ!” NOT AT ALL. HULK WOULD HAVE BARELY SLOGGED THROUGH IT IN DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES.
(2) – HULK REALIZE STATEMENTS LIKE THIS CAN BE OFF-PUTTING. IT NOT MEANT LIKE THAT. THE GOOD WRITER/BAD WRITER ARGUMENT TEND BE MOST BIZARRE ONE. LIKE HULK ARGUE J.K. ROWLING NOT A “GREAT WRITER” BUT SHE MAYBE ONE OF THE MOST EFFECTIVE IN THE WORLD. WHEREAS, HULK THINK UPDIKE ONE OF THE BEST WRITERS IN WORLD, BUT HULK THINK HE TOTALLY INEFFECTIVE. MEANWHILE, MARTIN JUST SOMEWHERE IN MIDDLE WITH BOTH. BACK TO EXPLAINING WHY…
(3) SOMETIMES MARTIN’S DESIRE BE LIKE REAL LIFE, YET SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT COME OFF KIND OF HILARIOUS. HE FILL THE BOOKS WITH SUPER-SPECIFIC MODERN PROPER NOUNS AND THEN THROW IN THE OCCASIONAL CHANGE UP: “MILK OF THE POPPY”, “HE’S BUT FOUR-AND-TEN”, “GOOSE PRICKLES,” ETC. THE FUNNIEST PART ABOUT THESE THAT MARTIN BECOME OBSESSED WITH THE SAYING FOR LIKE A GOOD 200 PAGES AND THEN FORGET ABOUT THEM COMPLETELY. “GOOSE PRICKLES” WAS USED IN THE FIRST BOOK LIKE 90 TIMES AND NOT MENTIONED SINCE. IN CROWS, EVERYONE SUDDENLY EAGER SAY HOW OLD THEY ARE “I’M FOUR-AND-FORTY YEARS!” WHEN HULK SERIOUSLY CAN NO REMEMBER THE CONVENTION EVEN BEING USED BEFORE (IT MIGHT HAVE). THE POINT THAT MARTIN ALWAYS HAVE THESE LAZY, TEMPORARY LANGUAGE OBSESSIONS WHEN TRYING TO FANTASY SHIT UP.
(4) – HULK ACTUALLY GOT 2/3 THE WAY THROUGH IT. BUT THIS WAS LONG BEFORE IT WAS “TWILIGHT” AND JUST SOME BOOK SOME TEENAGERS READING… WHAT?… SERIOUSLY?… SHUT UP! HULK LIKE STAY UP ON YOUNG-ADULT FICTION BECAUSE IT FUCKING IMPORTANT, THAT’S WHY!
(5) – HULK WOULD ACTUALLY LOVED TO SEE ANY OF THOSE GUYS TRY WRITE THEIR VERSION OF FANTASY BOOK.
(6) – THIS GET INTO ISSUES OF VOYEURISM, BUT THAT ANOTHER CONVERSATION.
HULK HEAR IT ALL THE TIME: “PROBLEMS IN THE FILM’S SECOND ACT.”
ALL… THE FUCKING… TIME.
NOW HULK UNDERSTAND THE INTENTION OF THE STATEMENT, IT USUALLY IMPLY WHEN FILM TREADING WATER, OR LOSE TRACK CHARACTERS, OR RUNNING OUT OF STEAM, OR CRAMMING STUFF IN, OR WHATEVER. HULK GET HOW COMMENT INTENDED. THE PROBLEM WITH THIS GENERIC “SECOND ACT” DESIGNATION THAT REALLY IT CAN IMPLY A PROBLEM WITH ANYTHING IN THE “MIDDLE PART” OF STORYTELLING. IT BEYOND VAGUE. SO WHAT CREATE SUCH WISHY-WASHY STORYTELLING? AND THE EVEN WISHY-WASHY-IER WAY OF EXPLAINING IT?
IT BECAUSE EVER-POPULAR NOTION OF THE 3 ACT STRUCTURE = THE MOST ABOMINABLE WAY TO EXPLAIN STORYTELLING IMAGINABLE. EVEN IF SOMEONE WROTE A STORY USING THE MODEL AS GUIDE, IT STILL, ESSENTIALLY, A MYTH.
IN ORDER TO EVEN DISCUSS, HULK FIRST MUST DEFINE WHAT CONSTITUTE AN “ACT.” PEOPLE USE THE WORD ALL THE TIME WITH OUT REALLY BOTHERING THINK WHAT IT MEAN. IT SORT OF JUST GENERAL PLACEHOLDER FOR “BEGINNING, MIDDLE, AND END.” AND WELL… THAT MEAN NOTHING.
SO HULK, AS WELL AS MANY SCREENWRITERS, PROFESSORS, ACTUAL GOOD BOOKS ON SUBJECT, AND MANY OTHER SMARTER PEOPLE THAN HULK, DEFINE THE END OF AN ACT AS FOLLOWING: A POINT IN STORY WHERE CHARACTER(S) MAKE CHOICE AND CAN NO LONGER “GO BACK.”
THE “POINT” OF COURSE = PURPOSELY VAGUE. AFTER ALL, THERE MANY DIFFERENT KINDS STORIES, ALL WITH MANY DIFFERENT KINDS GOALS. BUT YOU MAY SAY “BUT HULK, COULDN’T THAT POINT REALLY BE ANYTHING? LIKE A CHARACTER JUST LEAVING HIS HOUSE AND GRABBING COFFEE OR SOMETHING?” OKAY IT HAVE BE SLIGHTLY MORE VALID THAN SIMPLE CHANGE IN ACTION OR ENVIRONMENT. THE ACT BREAK CAN BE NEW AND INTERESTING PLOT POINT, A POIGNANT CHARACTER DECISION, A PERSONALITY REVEAL, TWO PREVIOUSLY UN-MET CHARACTERS BECOMING FRIENDS, OR EVEN, IF HANDLED CORRECTLY, SOMETHING AS INSIPID AS “NO! THE BAD GUYS ARE HERE! RUN!” … IT CAN BE ANYTHING AS LONG AS IT HAVE CHANGING NARRATIVE VALUE. THE CHARACTERS ALWAYS HAVE MOVE FORWARD IN SOME NEW REALITY/SITUATION.
THE TRUE END OF ACT CREATE PROPULSION.
WITH THIS DEFINITION, IT MEAN FILM CAN HAVE ANY NUMBER OF ACTS DEPENDING ON WHAT TRYING TO SAY/DO. A MOVIE LIKE MALCOLM X HAVE ABOUT 9 DISTINGUISHABLE ACTS IN HULK’S ESTIMATION, EACH FOCUSING ON TIME IN HIS LIFE WHERE MALCOLM GO THROUGH PERIOD OF FOCUS AND COME TO NEW KIND OF ENLIGHTENMENT OR CHARACTER REALITY. IT TRULY EPIC FILM THAT TAKE THE STANDARD BIOPIC (WHICH TEND JUST JUMP FROM EVENT TO EVENT IN PERSONS LIFE) AND SEPARATE THEM INTO VERY OBVIOUS “SECTIONS” OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. IT ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE MOVIES TO POINT TO WHEN COMES TO MULTI-ACT-LABELING.
AND HECK, SOME MOVIES HAVE UPWARDS OF 20 ACTS. IT ALL A QUESTION OF WHAT STORY YOU WANTING TELL AND THE BETTER YOU UNDERSTAND THIS “MOVING FORWARD” MARKING OF ACT BREAKS, THE BETTER THE SCREENPLAY AT PROPELLING NARRATIVE IN MEANINGFUL WAY.(1)
IT STRANGE WHEN YOU LOOK AT CERTAIN-OH-SO-TERRIBLE MOVIES WITH THIS DEFINITION OF AN ACT-DEFINING AND REALIZE “HOLY CRAP, SOME OF THESE MOVIES DO NOTHING LIKE THAT!”
*COUGH COUGH*
YUP. THIS TINY BIT OF ADVICE OF IGNORING 3 ACT STRUCTURE IN FAVOR OF CONSTANT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT WOULD SAVE HUNDREDS OF MOVIES.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE RECENT-AND-UTTER-SHIT-FEST GREEN LANTERN HAVE ONE REAL GENUINE ACT BREAK. REPEAT. ONE. OH SURE, THERE STUFF THAT HAPPEN, BUT IN TERMS OF MAIN CHARACTER PROPULSION? NOPE. TO REITERATE THE PLOT: HAL JORDAN = A PISSY-ASS FIGHTER PILOT, HE GIVEN LANTERN RING, ZAPPED TO OA (NEITHER HIS DECISION), TRAIN FOR ALL OF TWO SECONDS AND QUIT TO GO BACK BEING PISSY-ASS NON-FIGHTER PILOT. IT NOT UNTIL 90 DIFFERENT SCENES OF RELATIVE MOPING, FUTZING AROUND IN SUIT, AND FUCKING REJECTING BLAKE LIVELY’S ADVANCES, THAT HE EMBRACE BEING LANTERN AND MAKE ACTUAL FUCKING DECISION TO CHANGE CHARACTER AND GO BACK TO OA. AND NO TELL HULK THAT HAL GETTING THE RING = AN “ACT BREAK” BECAUSE HE THEN SPENT THEN ENTIRE “MIDDLE” OF MOVIE GOING BACK ON THAT. REPEAT, THE FILM HAVE ONE ACT BREAK. THAT IT. EVERYTHING ELSE, OUTSIDE OF HECTOR HAMMOND WHO THE ONE AN ACTUAL STORY ARC, JUST = STUFF HAPPENING. THERE NO CLEAR CHARACTER MOTIVATION AT PLAY IN ANYONE ELSE. THE FILM, ALONG WITH HUNDREDS OTHER MOVIES, PLAIN NO REALIZE WHAT “ACTS” MEAN. THEY NO REALIZE THAT CHARACTERS HAVE MAKE DECISIONS.
AND HULK BLAME THIS STRINGENT BELIEF IN EXISTENCE OF “3 ACT STRUCTURE” FOR CRAP LIKE THIS. HULK REALLY DO.
FOR STARTERS, IT GO BACK TO THAT PROBLEM OF PEOPLE NOT EVEN TRYING DEFINE “ACT BREAKS” WHATSOEVER. THIS WHOLE BEGINNING, MIDDLE, AND END THING MAKES SOME BASIC SENSE IN TERMS OF “SUMMARIZING” A PLOT, BUT IT LITERALLY GIVE ZERO INDICATION OF HOW ACTUALLY WRITE THAT STORY. IF USING THE TRADITIONAL MODEL OF 3 ACT STRUCTURE THEN THE 1ST ACT ALL “INTRODUCTION/SET UP” AND THE 3RD ACT “THE CLIMAX!” WHICH BOTH VAGUE BUT PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY… BUT THEN THERE THAT SECOND ACT WHICH OFTEN JUST DEFINED AS “RISE IN CONFLICT”… SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK THAT EVEN MEAN?
“YOU KNOW… THE CONFLICT! JUST, UM, RISE IT!”
WHATEVER IT MEAN, IT CERTAINLY NOT GOOD STORYTELLING. SURE, HULK GUESS IT AN INCREDIBLY VAGUE SUMMARY OF WHAT HAPPENING, BUT AGAIN, IT NOT INSTRUCTING HOW ACTUALLY DO THAT. NONE OF THE GOOD STUFF WHICH CRITICAL TO CHARACTER ARCS, MOTIVATION, RELATIONSHIPS, PROPULSION. NONE OF IT!
MOST OF TIME IT LEAD WRITERS TO JUST TRY MAKE CONNECTING POINTS BETWEEN THE BEGINNING AND ENDING. THAT ABOUT IT. WHICH MEAN CHARACTERS NOT MOVING FORWARD IN ANY DISCERNIBLE WAY. JUST WAITING AROUND FOR 80 MINUTE MARK SO THAT THEY CAN BEGIN THAT ENDING THINGY. IT A SHELL GAME OF UNMOTIVATED EVENTS ALL BECAUSE THE DEFINITION OF 3 ACT STRUCTURE = COMPLETE ASS.
AS RESULT, WE HEAR IT ALL THE TIME: “THE PROBLEMS IN THE FILM’S SECOND ACT.”
SO OKAY, LET’S GET SERIOUS. IF THE 3 ACT MODEL SUCKS AND ACTS MERELY JUST CAN-NO-GO-BACK, HOW ACTUALLY APPROACH STRUCTURE THEN? LET HULK COMPARE THE TRADITIONAL 3 ACT MODEL WITH THAT OTHER OH SO FAMOUS ACT MODEL CREATED BY THE GREATEST STORYTELLING GENIUS OF ALL TIME: WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.
THIS GUY
FACT: SHAKESPEARE’S PLAYS HAD 5 ACTS… REPEAT: 5… NOT 3.
AND FOR SAKE OF EXPLANATION, HULK WILL USE MOST SHAKESPEARE’S MOST POPULAR PLAY, ROMEO AND JULIET (2), TO HELP ILLUSTRATE HULK’S UPCOMING POINT ABOUT NATURE OF STORY STRUCTURE.
THE 1ST ACT COMPRISED OF INTRODUCTIONS AND ESTABLISHING OF PRE-EXISTING CENTRAL MAIN CONFLICT (I.E. TWO FAMILIES AT ODDS, ROMEO LOVESICK PUP OVER ROSALINE, JULIET NAIVE AND LOVELORN GIRL). NOW, THIS PRE-EXISTING CONFLICT IN BACKGROUND SORT OF IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT CREATE A CONDITION OF THE WORLD THE AUDIENCE ENTERING. IT CREATE SENSE OF SPACE, HISTORY, AND BELIEVABILITY. AND IT BIG SURPRISE TO HULK HOW OFTEN IT IGNORED IN TRADITION OF GRAND BLOCKBUSTER FILMMAKING THAT SO POPULAR NOWADAYS. AND HECK, EVEN IF IT SOME INTRICATE HUMAN DRAMA, THE PRE-EXISTING CONFLICT GIVE REASON FOR THE OCCURRENCE OF THE MAIN ACTION WHICH SPUR PLOT INTO EFFECT.
THE 2ND ACT USUALLY COMPRISED OF SOME KIND OF TURN OR REVERSAL WHICH CHALLENGE OR DEEPLY WORSEN THE MAIN CONFLICT, USUAL IN FORM OF RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT, REVEAL, OR SURPRISE (I.E. STAR-CROSSED TEENAGERS ROMEO AND JULIET MEET AND GO GA-GA OVER ONE ANOTHER, WHICH HUGE PROBLEM GIVEN THE NATURE OF THE PRE-EXISTING CONFLICT). BASICALLY THIS ACT FEATURE THE MAIN DEVELOPMENT OF THE STORY. MEANING IF HAD TO EXPLAIN WHAT THE MOVIE ABOUT, THE CONFLICT BEING DESCRIBED SHOULD BE THE THING HAPPENING SOMEWHERE IN HERE, REVEALED IN WHICHEVER WAY BENEFIT THE STORY MOST.(3)
THE 3RD ACT COMPRISE A TURNING POINT. NOW, HULK REMIND YOU THIS NEED NOT BE A “TWIST” BUT MORE A SPURRING ACTION THAT MAKE THE CONFLICT INFINITELY MORE COMPLICATED (I.E. MERCUTIO DYING, ROMEO THEN KILLING TYBALT). OFTEN THESE MOMENTS SURPRISING. THEY DEEPLY AFFECT NOT ONLY THE SERIOUSNESS OF MAIN CONFLICT, BUT EVEN ALTER THE ACTUAL DIRECTION OF IT. THIS THE SORT OF THING ALLUDED TO IN THE “RISE IN CONFLICT” STATEMENT, BUT YOU KNOW, WAY MORE SPECIFIC. THE 3RD ACT SUCH GREAT OPPORTUNITY IN STORYTELLING AND SHAKESPEARE’S 3RD ACTS OFTEN THINGS OF BEAUTY: GREAT INVERSIONS. BEST INTENTIONS GONE AWRY. DEATHS! LOSS! CONFUSION! SUDDEN CHAOS! THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT EVEN THOUGH THESE THIS 3RD ACTS DON’T FINISH THE ARC OF THE STORY, THEY STILL CLIMAX-WORTHY IN SCALE, AND NOT JUST “HEY, LET’S PUT AN ACTION SCENE HERE!
“SO, MY FIRST ACT IS GONNA BE THIS FIGHT. THEN MY SECOND ACT IS GOING TO BE THIS FIGHT. MY THIRD ACT IS THE HOUR-LONG FIGHT SCENE WHERE NOTHING CHARACTER WISE ACTUALLY HAPPENS!”
BUT THE REAL KEY WITH THE THIRD ACT TO MAKE THE “TURNING POINT” ONE THAT DEEPLY AFFECTING AND TO CHANGE THE ARC OF THE STORY. IT SOMETHING FAR MORE IMPORTANT THEN JUST “PUTTING THINGS IN PLACE FOR CLIMAX”. SPEAKING OF WHICH…
THE 4TH ACT THEN “THE SPIRAL” AND IT ACTUALLY FULL OF DECISIONS THAT CAUSE CHARACTERS SINK TOWARD THE REAL CLIMAX (I.E. ROMEO AND JULIET DECIDE GO ON THE LAMB, HATCH PLAN TO FAKE DEATHS, ETC). IN TRUTH THIS THE POINT WHERE YOU REALLY ARRANGING AND SETTING UP THE CLIMAX, BUT IN THAT GOAL IT IMPORTANT REMEMBER THAT STAYING TRUE TO CHARACTER ARCS. IT REALLY THE BEST PLACE TO EXPOSE THE DEEP CHARACTER FLAWS THAT WILL EITHER BRING DOWN HERO OR ALLOW THEM SUCCEED. (MEANWHILE, THE THIRD ACT TURNING POINT CAN SOMETIMES ALLOW FOR MAIN CHARACTER ACTING OUT OF CHARACTER. IT A NEAT LITTLE DISTINCTION). THE 4TH ACT ALSO GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR QUIET MOMENTS OF REFLECTION BEFORE THE FINALE, BUT IT CAN NO JUST BE ALL REFLECTION AND PAUSING (COUGH COUGH GREEN LANTERN). AGAIN, THAT “FULL OF DECISIONS” ASPECT NEED BE THERE. THE PACE SHOULD QUICKEN. THINGS SHOULD FEEL LIKE THEY FALLING OUT OF CONTROL. IT THE SPIRAL.
AND THE 5TH ACT WHERE AUDIENCE GET THE CLIMAX/RESOLUTIONS/WEDDINGS/TRAGEDY/FALLOUT/ETC. (I.E. ROMEO AND JULIET KILL SELVES, FAMILY HEARTBROKEN AND DECLARE PEACE). (4) THE MOST IMPORTANT THING REMEMBER THAT IT NO JUST “WRAPPING THINGS UP” BUT THE ENCAPSULATION OF THE STORY AND SHOULD EXHIBIT ALL THE POINTS ONE TRYING MAKE IN MOVIE. THE CLIMAX AND RESOLUTION = THE GOAL OF YOUR MOVIE. IT SHOULD BE THE SUMMATION OF EVERYTHING YOU WRITTEN SO FAR. IT SHOULD NO BE FREAKIN’ AFTERTHOUGHT.
AGAIN, THIS 5 ACT STRUCTURE THING JUST AN EXAMPLE. CAN DO WHATEVER YOU THINK BEST. LIKE THE 9 ACTS IN MALCOLM X. BUT IF LOOKING FOR TOOL TO HELP STRUCTURE YOUR STORY THEN, WELL, ONE COULD DO A LOT WORSE THAN SHAKESPEARE. NO MATTER WHAT THE STORY: TRAGEDY, COMEDY, OR HISTORY, HE USED THIS SPECIFIC 5 ACT STRUCTURE EVERY TIME. THE INTRO, THE CONCEIT, THE TURN, THE SPIRAL, THE CLIMAX. HE GET HEAPED WITH PRAISE OVER MASTERY OF LANGUAGE AND THE DEEP RESONANCE OF THEMATICS, SOME EVEN CREDIT HIM AS THE FATHER OF PSYCHOLOGY, BUT HE JUST SO FUCKING BRILLIANT AT STORY STRUCTURE TO BOOT… IT SORT OF UNFAIR. AND HULK KNOW IT MAY SEEM LAME BRING UP SUCH AN OBVIOUS CHOICE AS “BEST WRITER EVER” BUT, WELL, HE WAS.
AGREES
SO NOW THEN.
HULK WANT YOU GO BACK TO TRADITIONAL DEFINITION OF 3 ACT STRUCTURE FOR SECOND. YOU MAY NOTICE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT WHEN COMPARING IT TO SHAKESPEARE’S MODEL. THE WAY THE SECOND ACT DESCRIBED IN 3 ACT STRUCTURE = THE SAME WAY ACT 4 DEFINED IN SHAKESPEARE’S MODEL. HIS “SPIRAL” REALLY SIMILAR TO THE “RISE IN CONFLICT.”
HULK ARGUE THIS SO FUCKING TELLING IT NOT EVEN FUNNY.
IT MEAN THAT THIS LITTLE WAY SHAKESPEARE ESCALATING THE STAKES AND POSITIONING THE ENDGAME = THE SAME EXACT WAY HOLLYWOOD SCREENWRITERS HANDLE THE ENTIRE MIDDLE PARTS OF THEIR GODDAMN MOVIE.
NO WONDER THEY AIMLESS AND BORING.
FOR ONE, IT NO MISTAKE THAT SHAKESPEARE’S ACT 4 ALWAYS THE SHORTEST, LEAST INTERESTING, AND LEAST COMPELLING OF EVERY SINGLE ONE HIS PLAYS. SO IMAGINE TRYING FIT THAT SAME STORY TELLING LOGIC INTO THE 30-60 SUM ODD PAGES THAT MAKE UP SECOND ACTS? IT MEAN THEY CHARACTERS JUST WAITING AROUND. IT MEAN THE WRITERS JUST TRYING COME UP WITH DISTRACTIONS AND B.S. CONFLICTS THAT NO HAVE DO WITH THE POINT OR AFFECTING THE ARC OF STORY. IT MEAN THAT WRITERS END UP CRAMMING TOO MUCH GOOD STUFF IN “FIRST ACT” TO TRY AND ESTABLISH ALL NEEDED DETAILS WHEN REALLY THEY MISSING GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR DEVELOPING A STORY AT ORGANIC PACE.(5)
SO MAYBE SHAKESPEARE NOT YOUR THING. YOU MAY ASK “HULK, HOW THIS 5 ACT WORK WITH POPULAR MOVIE GOING? I NO REMEMBER SEEING FIVE ACT MOVIE BE BIG HIT.”
THIS WHERE HULK POLITELY REQUEST YOU LOOK AT HOST OF EXAMPLES. HECK, LOOK HULK’S OLD BUDDY/GREAT MOVIE IRON MAN, WHICH HAVE EXCEPTIONAL STORY STRUCTURE. THE ONE THING EVERYONE SEEMED LOVE THAT IT SPENT SO LONG BEFORE TONY ACTUALLY BECOME “IRON MAN” SO THEY GET EXPERIENCE ALL THE GREAT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT TO GET THERE. EVERYONE LAUDED THE FUN SENSE OF ADVENTURE THAT CAME FROM HIM ACTUALLY BUILDING THE SUIT. IT NEVER RUSHED GETTING TO “THE ACTION” THAT CAUSE THE STORYTELLING = THE ACTION. BUT THIS BIG BUDGET MOVIE!!! HOW THIS HAPPEN? GOOD STRUCTURE THAT’S HOW. GUESS HOW MANY ACTS THE MOVIE HAVE?
YUP. FIVE.
“OBIDIAH, I KNEW HIM WELL!”
NO BELIEVE HULK?
ACT ONE – INTRO + STATE OF PRE-EXISTING CONFLICT – WE GET SEE TONY AS PLAYBOY AND THE EXTERNAL MORAL CONFLICT OF SUPPLYING WEAPONS.
TWO – THE CONCEIT AND PUTTING AT ODDS WITH PRE-EXISTING CONFLICT – TONY CAPTURED AND PUT IN TERRORIST CAMP. DISCOVERS REALITY ABOUT HIS WEAPONS BUILDING AND LIFE THREATENED. BUILDS PROTOTYPE SUIT AND ESCAPES.
THREE – THE TURNING POINT – TONY NOW BACK AT HOME, HE MAKES MORAL DECISION SHUTS DOWN WEAPONS OPS CHANGE DIRECTION OF HIS LIFE. TONY DECIDES TO CONTINUE ON PATH AND BUILD NEW SUIT. OBADIAH REVEALED AS BAD GUY BEHIND TONY’S KIDNAPPING. TONY GOES LIVE W/ SUIT.
FOUR – THE SPIRAL/ESCALATION OF CONFLICT – TONY CONTINUES USE THE SUIT OUT IN REAL WAR CONFLICT AND HAS “HERO TRIALS” SO TO SPEAK, ADMITS TRUTH TO RHODES, GETS SIDELINED BY OBIDIAH, NOW IN GRIM CIRCUMSTANCE. NOTICE THAT THESE DEVELOPMENTS FEEL MORE OF THE ACTION-Y WHEEL-SPINNING ACTIVITIES THAT REEK OF STANDARD ACT 2 DEVELOPMENTS ONE SEES IN 3 ACT STRUCTURE. BUT IN THIS MOVIE? BECAUSE IT COME AFTER THE AWESOME SUIT-BUILDING TURN OF ACT 3, IT FEEL FRESH AND EXCITING TO NOW SEE IRON MAN IN ACTION. AND IT GO ON FOR PERFECT SHORTER LENGTH OF TIME BEFORE MOVING TO INEVITABLE FINALE.
FIVE- = CLIMAX/CONCLUSION/RESOLUTION – TONY’S CONFLICT WITH OBIDIAH COMES TO CONCLUSION BOTH PERSONALLY AND AS, YOU KNOW, BIG IRON MEN FIGHTING IN DEATH SUITS. THE IMPORTANT PART THAT ALL THE PLOTS ALL COME TOGETHER EVEN THOUGH THE ACTION FELT UNDERWHELMING. HULK ACTUALLY FIND THAT PART KINDA NEAT AS IT MEANT “THE ACTION” = THE LEAST INTERESTING PART OF BIG SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER. THAT AN ACHIEVEMENT.
“IT’S CALLED CHARISMA AND CHARACTERIZATION BITCHES”
SOME OF YOU MAY ARGUE THERE LOTS OTHER POSSIBLE ACT BREAKS IN IRON MAN. THAT THAT ABSOLUTELY TRUE. GREAT WRITING FILLED WITH “MICRO-ACTS” WHICH HELP PROPEL EVERY SCENE FORWARD. THERE REALLY MANY DIFFERENT STORIES: TONY’S ARC WITH PEPPER HAVE IT OWN ACT BREAKS. TONY’S RELATIONSHIP WITH OBIDIAH HAVE ITS OWN BREAKS. IT WHAT MAKE A STORY FEEL PROPULSIVE + ORGANIC. AFTER ALL, EVERY SCENE SHOULD HAVE REAL GOAL AND OBJECTIVE TO IT. SO GOING BACK TO THE POINT AT HAND, LABELING ALL THAT GREAT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND DECISION-MAKING IN THE MIDDLE OF MOVIE AS JUST “RISE IN CONFLICT” = FUCKING ASININE.
AND IT NOT JUST SHAKESPEARE AND IRON MAN FOLKS. HULK FIND MOST TRADITIONAL NARRATIVES (AT LEAST THE WELL TOLD ONES) HAVE ABOUT 5-6 ACTS. IT JUST A GREAT MODEL FOR TRADITIONAL STORYTELLING. NOTICE THAT ALL ONE HOUR TV DRAMAS ALL SEGMENTED INTO 5 ACTS? YES IT FOR COMMERCIAL BREAKS, BUT THIS MAGIC NUMBER NO REAL ACCIDENT AND IT REALLY HELP MAKE TV SHOWS PROPULSIVE. AGAIN, LIKE ANYTHING, YOU MORE THAN ALLOWED TO BREAK AWAY FROM THIS MODEL, BUT YOU BE SURPRISED HOW MANY NON-TRADITIONAL NARRATIVES UTILIZE 5-6 ACTS.
PEOPLE LOOOOOOOOVE TALK ABOUT QUENTIN TARANTINO’S NON-LINEAR STORYTELLING AS COUNTER EXAMPLE TO “ACT-BASED” STORYTELLING. PARTICULARLY WITH PULP FICTION. BUT GUESS WHAT? THAT MOVIE EXACTLY 5 ACTS (PLUS LITTLE VIGNETTES). RESERVOIR DOGS? 5 ACTS. BOTH KILL BILLS? EACH ONE HAS 5 ACTS. INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS? 5 ACTS. YOU SENSE THEME?
“TO BE OR NOT TO BE”
HULK JUST CAN NO EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH.
A STORY A MULTIFACETED THING. IF YOU WANTING TO STRUCTURE YOUR STORY, REMEMBER TO HAVE BOTH ACT STRUCTURE FOR THE MAIN PLOT AND ACT STRUCTURE FOR THE EACH OF YOUR CHARACTERS PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENTS. BY HAVING ALL THESE VARYING STRUCTURES, EACH WITH THEIR OWN BEATS, IT CREATE A CONSTANT SENSE OF “MOVING FORWARD” FOR MOVIE. THAT WHY THEY CALL IT “DEVELOPMENT” AND IT THE KEY TO BRINGING YOUR AUDIENCE ALONG FOR JOURNEY.
PERHAPS YOU THINK HULK BEING TOO HARD ON 3 ACT STRUCTURE. THAT PERHAPS HULK SIMPLIFYING IT IN EFFORT TO TEAR IT DOWN.
FINE.
READ THIS “SUMMARY” OF 3 ACT STRUCTURE AND ENJOY THE BIGGEST EXAMPLE OF MISSING THE FUCKING POINT IN HISTORY:
… WOW. HULK MEAN… WOW. THIS GIVEN AS ACTUAL ADVICE. AND WHAT ABOUT THAT AMAZING PART WHERE HE TAKE ACT 2-4 OF SHAKESPEARE’S WRITING AND ESTABLISH IT AS HIS “ACT 2” WHICH NOT ONLY HILARIOUS IN ITS OVER-SIMPLIFICATION BUT IT ACTUALLY IGNORE 3 ACT STRUCTURE RULES BECAUSE THE CONCEIT INTRODUCED IN SECOND ACT NOT END OF FIRST. THE WHOLE THING LAUGHABLE.
YUP, ALL YOU’LL EVER NEED TO TELL A STORY!
PLEASE. IF YOU WRITING SCREENPLAY. HULK TELLING YOU. THE 3 ACT STRUCTURE = GARBAGE.
STOP CITING IT IN ARTICLES.
STOP TALKING ABOUT IT WITH FRIENDS.
IT WILL NOT HELP YOU.
IT CAN ONLY HURT YOU.
STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO EVEN CLAIM IT EXIST. IF THEY SAY IT DO. SAY “OR COURSE SHIT HAS BEGINNING, MIDDLE, AND ENDING YOU INSUFFERABLE TURD” THEN THROW A DRINK IN THEIR FACE AND RUN AWAY…
… OKAY, MAYBE HULK GETTING CARRIED AWAY. PERHAPS ALL THIS ADVICE USELESS.
AFTER ALL, IT PARTICULARLY TELLING OF HOLLYWOOD THAT THEY EVEN FAIL AT THE BASICS OF THIS SUPPOSED 3 ACT STRUCTURE. BECAUSE SO MANY MOVIES GREEN-LIT ON JUST A “PITCH” AND SOME STARS ATTACHED, YOU BASICALLY HAVE MOVIES BEING MADE THAT HAVE ONLY FIGURED OUT THE CONCEIT, MEANING THEY ONLY KNOW THE FIRST ACT… AND THAT FUCKING IT. THE ENDINGS OF THESE BARELY ESTABLISHED CONCEITS UNIFORMLY TEND BE TERRIBLE. IT BECAUSE THE WRITERS JUST KEEP WRITING IN STRAIGHT LINE FROM THEIR STARTING POINT, PURSUING THE FALLOUT TIL THEY JUST RUN OUT OF STEAM. YOU BE STUNNED BY AMOUNT WRITERS THAT NO PLAN OUT MOVIE AND JUST SORT OF WRITING STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS. AND YES, THERE SOME GENIUSES WHO GET AWAY WITH WRITING LIKE THAT BUT TRUTH IS, THOSE GENIUSES HAVE INHERENT UNDERSTANDING OF PACING, DEVELOPMENT, CHARACTERIZATION, AND PROPULSION SO IT FLOWING OUT NATURALLY TO THEM.
IT REALLY INCONCEIVABLE TO HULK THAT FOLKS CAN START MAKING MOVIE WITHOUT TRULY “KNOWING” THE ENDING. IF YOU WANT BE WRITER, ALWAYS KNOW YOUR ENDING. HECK, YOUR ENDING SHOULD BE IT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU DOING. TO REITERATE, NO ONE EVER SEEM REALIZE THAT THE ENDING IS THE CONCEIT. IT LITERALLY THE COMPLETE SUMMATION OF WHAT YOU FUCKING TRYING TO SAY.
OH BALLS
TO SUMMARIZE THIS INSANE RANT:
THE AMOUNT OF ACTS MOVIE SHOULD BE DEPENDENT ON STORY WANT TO TELL. EACH ACT SHOULD REACH THIS MOVING FORWARD POINT IN ORGANIC, EARNED WAY. AND TOTAL NUMBER DEPENDENT ON HOW MUCH TRYING ACCOMPLISH WITH STORY. MORE IMPORTANTLY, THEY SHOULD ALL TIE TOGETHER IN COHERENT WAY. AND THEN, ULTIMATELY, IT SHOULD TRY BE DONE WITH BEST ECONOMY POSSIBLE WITHOUT LOSING ANYTHING CRITICAL OR AFFECTING THE ORGANIC QUALITY.
HULK LOVE BRINGING UP THE ORIGINAL KUNG FU PANDA ALL THE TIME, NOT BECAUSE IT GREAT MOVIE, BUT BECAUSE IT KNOW PERFECTLY HOW TO INTEGRATE SIMPLE STORIES INTO COHERENT AND ECONOMIC NARRATIVE. IT SO TRUE TO THE BASICS AND YET COMPLETELY EFFECTIVE. IT STORYTELLING 101.(6)
HULK KNOW, HULK KNOW. HULK REFERENCE STORYTELLING 101 ALL FREAKING TIME. IT SORT OF BECOMING HULK’S MANTRA. BUT IT STUNNING HOW OFTEN PEOPLE FORGET THE MOST BASIC TENANTS.
AGAIN, HULK’S EMPHASIS ON STORYTELLING 101 NOT A HOW-TO-GUIDE OF STRINGENT RULES, IT MERELY A TOOL HELP MAKE WHAT YOU WANT DO MORE FOCUSED. BECAUSE IN ORDER INVERT RULES, ONE MUST UNDERSTAND THE RULES IN FIRST PLACE. HULK HEARD THIS ALL TIME IN WRITING CLASSES AND THE REBELLIOUS MINDED YOUTH TEND PAY IT NO HEED. BUT IT NOT UNTIL MUCH LATER IN LIFE, AFTER LOGGING ABOUT 1000-2000 HOURS OF SCREENWRITING THAT HULK REALLY “GOT IT” SO TO SPEAK.(7)
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, STORYTELLING LARGELY ABOUT PROBLEM SOLVING. ONE CAN ALWAYS COME UP WITH GREAT IDEAS THAT MOTIVATE AND EXCITE, BUT THE OTHER HALF THAT EQUATION FIGURING OUT HOW MAKE TRANSLATE TO FULLY FORMED REALITY. HOW MAKE A MOVIE THAT TRUE TO THAT CONCIET? ONE THAT WORK ON EVERY LEVEL? ULTIMATELY, THE WRITER ASK HOW MAKE THIS SCENE WORK? HOW ESTABLISH WHAT WANT SAY?
IT PROBLEM SOLVING.
AND TAKE HULK’S ADVICE. THE 3 ACT STRUCTURE NO HELP YOU PROBLEM SOLVE.
JUST DIE ALREADY
ENDNOTES:
(1) YES, EVEN WITH “CHASE MOVIES” THE SIMPLE ACT OF “IT THE BAD GUYS! RUN!” WORK IN TERMS OF CHANGING THE SITUATION REALITY, BUT IT OFTEN BECOME SO DULL AND REPETITIVE THAT MORE INTERESTING THINGS HAVE BE GOING ON/DEFINING THE SITUATION. THIS THE CHIEF REASON MICHAL BAY MOVIES NO WORK. IT ONLY THE CHASE. SURE, HE SOMETIMES ABLE TO MASK THIS MACGUFFIN/SET-PIECE-JUMPING WITH DISTRACTING VISUALS OR ATTEMPTS AT QUASI-RACIST COMEDY, BUT THE CHASE ALWAYS BECOME BORING. THERE NO ACTUAL INTRIGUE.*
*OKAY MR. HULK THERE A CHASE MOVIE THAT JUST ALL PLOT BUT STILL WORK?” YES. IT CALLED THE FRENCH CONNECTION. THAT MOVIE KICKS 100% ASS BECAUSE IT WORK OFF PURE INTRIGUE AND TWO LIKABLE CHARACTERS/ACTORS YOU FOLLOW DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE. IT PERFECT. ALSO FX’S “THE SHIELD” KNEW HOW DEAL CREATE A STREAM OF SHIFTING NARRATIVE INTRIGUE ACROSS 6 SEASONS. IT CAN BE DONE.**
**MEANWHILE, JJ ABRAMS ONLY SEEM KNOW HOW PRESENT THE MOST APPETIZING INTRIGUE EVER, BUT THEN HE NOT KNOW HOW DELVE INTO IT… WHATSOEVER. EVERYONE ALWAYS DEMAND “ANSWERS” OF JJ’S WORK, BUT REALLY THEY JUST WANT CATHARSIS. OR HECK EVEN DEVELOPMENTS WILL DO… YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IF THEY DON’T JUST WANT STORYTELLING… THE MYSTERY ONLY GO SO FAR.
(2) SORRY FOLKS, IT NOT HULK’S FAVORITE PLAY, BUT IT BEST KNOWN. SO IT HELPS WHEN TRYING EXPLAIN.
(3) AND NOW, HULK HAVE A HELPFUL TOOL FOR YOU! SOMETIMES THERE EXPRESSION USED IN SCREENWRITING CALLED “PAGE 17” WHICH MEAN THAT BY PAGE 17 THE AUDIENCE SHOULD NOW HAVE IDEA WHERE THE FILM GOING. IT SOUND DUMB AND IT CERTAINLY NOT HARD OR FAST RULE, BUT YOU BE STUNNED BY NUMBER OF SCRIPTS THAT HIT THE CONCEIT OF THEIR MOVIE EXACTLY ON PAGE 17. IT JUST SORT OF GOOD PLACE TO AIM BECAUSE IT GIVE ENOUGH ROOM BOTH ESTABLISH THE WORLD AND THEN BE ON WAY. NOT ALWAYS, BUT GENERALLY IF YOU WAITING TIL PAGE 30 TO GET TO FREAKING CONCEIT YOU WAITED TO LONG. ANYCRAP. AIM FOR PAGE 17-ISH.
(4) HULK JUST WANT MENTION THAT ROMEO AND JULIET MIGHT BE MOST MISUNDERSTOOD PLAY IN HISTORY. YES, SHAKESPEARE CRITICIZING OVERZEALOUS AND DOMINEERING PARENTAGE (AND RACISM BY PROXY) AND EVEN THOUGH HE UNDERSTANDING OF YOUNG LOVE AND ALL THAT, SHAKESPEARE ALSO CLEARLY EXPRESSING THAT ROMEO AND JULIET WERE DUMBASS BRATS WHO TOOK THEMSELVES WAY, WAY, WAY TOO SERIOUSLY. THEY WEREN’T IN LOVE. THEY WERE INFATUATED. THE PLAY ABOUT THE PRATFALLS OF INFATUATION. THERE. HULK SAID IT*
*OOOOOH, AND RANDOM NOTE ON SHAKESPEARE: HULK TALKED ABOUT CHARACTERS HAVING MAKE DECISIONS. WELL HAMLET A PLAY THAT LITERALLY ABOUT INDECISIVE CHARACTER. THE KEY THAT IT STILL HAVE TONS NARRATIVE STEAM AS IT DEAL WITH OTHER ASPECTS OF HIS CHARACTER AND EXPLORE THE EFFECTS OF HIS MIS-STEPS ON ACCOUNT OF SAID INDECISIVENESS. AND IT MAYBE BEST PLAY EVER. MOVING ON!
(5) LET HULK EVEN THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX HERE. SO MANY MOVIES SO CAREFUL TO TELL EVERYTHING ABOUT CHARACTERS RIGHT UP FRONT SO YOU KNOW EVERYTHING RIGHT AWAY. HULK THINK THIS MISTAKE. THINK ABOUT IT. IF A CHARACTER REVEAL AND “TWIST” WORK SAME WAY IN TERMS OF PROVIDING NEW INFORMATION TO AUDIENCE, WHY NO TAKE LONGER REVEAL SOME GOOD INFORMATION AND MAKE SECOND ACTS MORE INTERESTING? ATTACK THE BLOCK GREAT EXAMPLE OF MOVIE THAT TAKE LONGER TIME REVEALING THE CHARACTERS AND PROVIDING INTRIGUE WHILE THE A PLOT DEVELOPED AROUND THEM. SO HULK ASK, WHY NOT INTRODUCE A CHARACTER OVER LONGER PERIOD OF TIME? HULK RECENTLY ESPOUSE THE INCREDIBLE MERITS OF HAPPY-GO-LUCKY BECAUSE IT GRADUALLY REVEAL THE MORE DIMENSIONS OF ITS MAIN CHARACTER OVER ENTIRE COURSE OF MOVIE. AND NOT TO BEAT DEAD HORSE, BUT GOING BACK TO GREEN LANTERN THAT MOVIE SO QUICK TO HURRY UP AND ESTABLISH ALL THE ASPECTS OF HAL JORDAN THAT PERTINENT BEFORE HE GET RING THAT THERE LITERALLY NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT HIM AFTER HE GET IT. AND HEY REMEMBER THE FAMILY THEY INTRODUCED AT THE BEGINNING THAT NEVER SHOW UP IN REST OF MOVIE? UGH.
(6) TO ILLUSTRATE FURTHER, HULK GOING COMPARE IT TO AVATAR, WHICH ALSO HIGHLY AWARE OF ALL IT’S STRUCTURAL BEATS. YET KUNG FU PANDA ACTUAL KNOW HOW INVEST SENSE OF EMOTION AND MAKE THE STORY FEEL BOTH REAL AND INTEGRATED TO ALL THE CHARACTERS AT HAND. YES, THEY BOTH SIMPLE APPROACHES TO STORY. BUT KUNG FU PANDA USED THAT SIMPLICITY TO ACHIEVE A COHESIVE NARRATIVE, WHILE AVATAR WAS PAINT-BY-NUMBERS. ANYCRAP…
(7) IT BRING UP INTERESTING DILEMMA WITH REGARD FILM CRITICS. THE SCREENWRITER SEEM LOVE LAMBAST THE CRITIC AS KNOW-NOTHING-WANNABE. THIS STRIKE HULK AS MISGUIDED AND GROSS MISUNDERSTANDING OF THE ROLE OF CRITICS. THEIR JOB, IN THIS ERA ESPECIALLY, TO FOSTER AND ENGAGE IN A DIALOGUE WITH CONSUMERS. AND TO DISMISS THE CRITIC’S REACTION = TO INDIRECTLY INSINUATE CONSUMER HAVE NO VALUE EITHER. WHICH A BIG, BIG PROBLEM. BUT, ON OTHER END OF SPECTRUM THEY DO HAVE POINT. WRITING A COHESIVE NARRATIVE AN EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TASK AND UNLESS HAVE REAL FAMILIARITY WITH THE PRACTICE ITSELF, NOT JUST THE END RESULTS, IT EASY TO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW THE PROBLEMS ONE ENCOUNTERS MANIFEST ON SCREEN. THERE A MILLION WAYS A GOOD SCRIPT CAN BE MASSACRED BY FINAL PRODUCT OR WAYS A CRAPPY SCRIPT CAN BE ELEVATED TO SOMETHING MORE FUNCTIONAL, BUT ALL OF THAT COMPLICATION CAN BE OBSCURED WHEN VIEWING THE FINAL PRODUCT. WHAT CRITICS MISS MOST OF ALL = THAT WRITERS OFTEN ACUTELY AWARE OF THEIR OWN WORK’S FAILINGS. BUT THEY WENT WITH THEIR CHOICE BECAUSE THEY FELT IT MAY HAVE ACHIEVED A LARGER GOAL, OR IT WOULD COME OFF DIFFERENTLY, OR SIMPLY BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE DID SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND THEY HAD NO CHOICE. WRITING LARGELY A GAME OF “WHAT LOSES HERE?” IN ORDER CONCENTRATE ON A, B, AND C, SOMETIMES D FALLS BY WAYSIDE. AND THERE ALWAYS SOMEONE IN AUDIENCE WHO CARE ABOUT D. ULTIMATELY, THE BEST FILMS NAVIGATE THIS DIFFICULT PATH SEAMLESSLY. THEY PICK THE RIGHT THINGS FOCUS ON AND KEEP EVERYTHING BALANCED WITH TONE… AND IT ABSURDLY DIFFICULT.
(PLEASE NOTE: THE ACTUAL INTERESTING PART OF THIS ARTICLE ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH. THE BEGINNING MORE SUMMARY SO BEAR WITH IT)
“RYAN DUNN, THE GUY FROM JACKASS, HE DIED IN CAR CRASH.”
THIS HOW HULK FIRST HEARD.
AND AT FIRST, EVERYONE SAD. HULK UNDERSTAND WHY. FOR ALL THEIR HOOLIGANISM, THE JACKASS CREW MAINTAINED ODD SENSE OF GENUINE LIKABILITY AS WELL AS STRIKING PENCHANT FOR TAPPING INTO THE UN-SANCTIMONIOUS TEEN ID. WHILE THEIR ENTERPRISE NOT SOMETHING HULK OUTRIGHT LOVE OR EVEN REALLY IDENTIFY WITH, HULK CERTAINLY FOUND ENJOYMENT IN THEIR OUT-OF-CONTROL THEATRICS. AND FOR WHAT LITTLE IT WORTH, HULK ACTUALLY MET DUNN ONE TIME AND HE SEEM LIKE GENUINELY NICE GUY.
FINE.
IT LATER CONFIRMED, AFTER SOME PREVIOUS SUSPICION, THAT RYAN DUNN DRIVING AT 140 MPH AND HAD WELL OVER TWICE THE LEGAL BLOOD ALCOHOL LIMIT. NATURALLY, THERE VARIOUS LEVELS OF MORAL INDIGNATION THAT FOLLOWED, INCLUDING ROGER EBERT’S NOW INFAMOUS TWEET: “Friends don’t let jackasses drink and drive.”
IF HULK BE HONEST, THE MORAL INDIGNATION AT DRUNK DRIVING = BOTH TOTALLY OBVIOUS AND YET STILL COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED. DRINKING AND DRIVING ONE OF THE MOST-BULLSHIT SOCIAL ALLOWANCES IN EXISTENCE. SURE, HULK RECOGNIZE THAT IT HAPPEN ALL TIME AND THAT BECAUSE IT VERY NATURAL RESULT OF HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY. HULK KNOW THAT DRUNK DRIVING WILL HAPPEN AGAIN AND AGAIN. AND HULK KNOW IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE AND IT NOT INDICATIVE OF SOMEONE BEING “BAD PERSON. IT JUST TOO EASY TO BE ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
BUT JUST BECAUSE IT FAIRLY COMMON INCLINATION, THAT NO MEAN IT SOMETHING THAT DESERVE THE DIGNITY OF BEING CALLED TRAGEDY.
NOPE. DRUNK DRIVING JUST GOOD OLD FASHIONED INSANELY-STUPID BEHAVIOR. IT DESERVE BE REGARDED AS NOTHING MORE THAN SHAMEFUL, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
ASK ANYONE WHO EVER LOST SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO THEM TO A DRUNK DRIVER… ASK HULK.
AND YET, EVEN UNDER THE SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES, EVEN WITH VAST AMOUNT OF EVIDENCE SHOWCASING THAT THIS NOT ONE-TIME BEHAVIOR FOR DUNN AS HE BEEN RECKLESS/DRUNK DRIVER BEFORE, A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF MODERN MEDIA OUTLETS (TMZ, GOSSIP SITES, MOVIE SITES, ETC) STILL SEEM WEIRDLY INCLINED TO MEMORIALIZE AND CANONIZE THIS SOMEONE WHO, QUITE FRANKLY, NOT DESERVE IT WHATSOEVER.
IT STRANGE REALLY.
THE MEDIA USUALLY CAN NO WAIT TEAR DOWN CELEBRITIES FOR DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR. SO WHY TMZ CAMERA MEN SUDDENLY SHOWING RESPECT TO JACKASS GANG AND RYAN DUNN? HECK, DUNN NOT EVEN REALLY ONE OF PROMINENT MEMBERS. HULK KNOW THE INESCAPABLE TRUTH THAT OTHERS TEND BE MORE FORGIVING WHEN SOMEONE ACTUALLY DIE, BUT THERE SOMETHING MORE TO THIS. HULK WAGER IT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH JACKASSES A-TRADITIONAL CELEBRITY ROLE. UNLIKE SELF-SERIOUS MOVIE STARS, THE JACKASS GANG = OUTSIDERS. THEY SORT OF INDICATIVE OF WHERE PUNK ROCK ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT ATTITUDE WENT ONCE IT LEFT THE ACTUAL MUSIC. AND HULK GUESS THERE SOME SORT OF STRANGE KINSHIP CREATED WITH THESE A-TRADITIONAL MEDIA FOLKS. BOTH SEEM TAKE PRIDE IN THEIR NON-SELF-SERIOUS ATTITUDES TOWARD LIFE AND THEIR ABHORRENCE OF TRADITIONAL CELEBRITY CULTURE. MAYBE IT MORE ETHEREAL THAN THAT… A PAPARAZZI WALKING UP TO GEORGE CLOONEY TO BE APOLOGETIC OVER A FRIEND’S DEATH SEEMS INVASIVE AND INAPPROPRIATE. THE SAME PAPARAZZI GOING UP TO JOHNNY KNOXVILLE SOMEHOW SEEMS “RIGHT.”
BUT THIS UNDESERVING CANONIZING OF RYAN DUNN MAKE HULK RATHER ANGRY + SMASHY… AT ONE POINT, HULK EVEN DEBATED PUTTING UP THE FOLLOWING MEAN-AS-HELL JOKE ON TWITTER:
GUESS WHAT? RYAN DUNN DIED AS HE LIVED: WITH A CAR SHOVED UP HIS ASS #FORANYONEWHOLOSTSOMEONETODRUNKDRIVINGASSHOLE
… HULK REALLY DEBATED IT. HULK WOULD PROBABLY GET PASS DUE TO PERSONAL NATURE OF TOPIC. BUT THAT NOT REASON DO SOMETHING. BETTER YET, IT ULTIMATELY JUST NOT SOMETHING HULK WANT SAY. IT BANAL. IT MEAN. IT NOT MEASURED. PLUS IT SORT OF HAVE THIS WEIRD GAY PANIC ELEMENT TO IT THAT SO NOT HULK.
BASICALLY, IT JUST NOT SOMETHING AN ADULT SAY.
HULK ALREADY MENTIONED THAT IT JUST SO FUCKING EASY TO DO DRINK AND DRIVE, BUT THE TRUTH THAT IT JUST AS EASY BE PATRONIZING ABOUT SOMETHING SO OBVIOUSLY WRONG. SO HULK NOT GOING TO PRETEND THAT BECAUSE HULK SO TERRIFIED OF DRUNK DRIVING THAT THIS BEHAVIOR MAKE HULK ANY BETTER.(1) BASICALLY, THERE NOTHING INTERESTING ABOUT THE ARGUMENT SO WHY WRITE ABOUT IT OTHER THAN TO SING THE PRAISES OF AN UNDESERVING DRUNK DRIVER, OR TO BASICALLY GO OTHER WAY AND PROVIDE NOTHING OTHER THAN A PSA?(2)
NO, THE REASON TO WRITE ABOUT RYAN DUNN BECAUSE THERE FAR MORE INTERESTING THING GOING ON:
AS TMZ SWARMED ALL OVER THE JACKASS CREW, THEIR REACTIONS WERE FASCINATING TO HULK. ONLY THE BODY LANGUAGE OF JOHNNY KNOXVILLE (WHO 40 YEARS OLD BY THE WAY) SEEMED HAVE APPROXIMATE SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE ABOUT THE WHOLE ISSUE AND THIS BASED ON LITTLE EVIDENCE, QUITE FRANKLY. AS FOR THE REST OF THE GANG?
WELL, THEY EXTREMELY DISTRAUGHT TO SAY LEAST. WEE MAN MEMORIALIZED DUNN WITH A “RANDOM HERO!” TATTOO. AND BAM SEEM BE TAKING THE POSITION OF FOCAL POINT AFTER HAVING COUPLE OF ON-CAMERA BREAKDOWNS. AND THEN THERE HIS TWO TWITTER RESPONSES TO EBERT’S COMMENT ABOUT DRUNK DRIVING:
“I just lost my best friend, I have been crying hysterical for a full day and piece of shit roger ebert has the gall to put in his 2 cents”
“About a jackass drunk driving and his is one, fuck you! Millions of people are crying right now, shut your fat fucking mouth!”
NOT EXACTLY A DIGNIFIED RESPONSE. HECK, THE FIRST THING BAM MAY REALIZE THAT EBERT CAN NO SHUT HIS FAT FUCKING MOUTH BECAUSE HE NO LONGER HAS A JAW BONE. IT WAS TAKEN FROM HIM BY CANCER AND HE CAN NO EVEN TALK. THE SECOND THING BAM MAY REALIZE THAT EBERT JUST SPEAKING OUT ON DANGERS OF DRUNK DRIVING AND NOT CALLING FOR MOCKERY OF DUNN. THE THIRD THING BAM MAY REALIZE THAT IT DOUBTFUL THAT “MILLIONS” PEOPLE CRIED. NOT BE A DICK, BUT COME ON, HAVE SOME SENSE OF AWARENESS.
THE FOURTH AND MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT BAM MAY REALIZE THAT THESE ALL THE EMOTIONAL REACTION OF A POORLY-ADJUSTED HIGH SCHOOL KID. SURE, HULK NOT REALLY SURE ANYONE PRETENDING THAT BAM’S REACTION THE PINNACLE OF REASON OR ANYTHING, BUT IT WEIRD TO HULK THAT HE SEEM BE GETTING PASS AS JUST BEING “EMOTIONAL.” IT NOT JUST EMOTIONAL, IT ALSO IRRESPONSIBLE. THE SAME KIND OF IRRESPONSIBLE THAT LEAD TO PEOPLE THINKING THAT THEY CAN BEHAVE LIKE THIS, READ: CONSEQUENCE-FREE, IN THE FIRST PLACE.(3)
WHICH IN TURN SPEAK TO SOMETHING VERY, VERY INTERESTING…
WHY THE JACKASS CREW SO DISTRAUGHT AND SURPRISED BY DEATH, WHEN IT WHAT THEY BEEN CHASING FOR WELL OVER A DECADE?
MAKE NO MISTAKE. THAT WHAT JACKASS ABOUT. CHASING AND CHEATING DEATH.
YES, IT A VIOLENT + ENTERTAINING MIX OF BRAVADO, FRATTY ANTICS, AMPLIFIED JUVENILE TENDENCIES, AND SCATOLOGICAL NIGHTMARES. BUT DURING VAST MAJORITY OF ALL THEIR CRAZY/STUPID STUNTS, ANY OF THEM COULD HAVE BROKEN THEIR NECK AT ANY POINT. AND, YOU KNOW, DIED.
HOW COULD THEY SERIOUSLY DO ANY OF THEIR WORK AND LIVE THAT LIFESTYLE WITHOUT EMBRACING THIS VERY SIMPLE REALITY? NOT DOING SO SEEM VERY, VERY STRANGE TO HULK. REALLY, HOW COULD THEY DO THAT?
TURNS OUT RATHER EASILY.
THAT BECAUSE JACKASS PERFECTLY ENCAPSULATE THE “I’M INVINCIBLE!” PSYCHOLOGICAL DYNAMIC OF THE HIGH-SCHOOLER/YOUNG ADULT. HECK ALL THE SCATOLOGICAL STUFF AND PRANKS GO JUST AS MUCH ALONG WITH IT TOO. THE HIGH-SCHOOLER LOOKS AT THEIR OWN MORTALITY AS INCONCEIVABLE NOTION. THE ONLY WAY TO PROCESS IT, IS TO ACT AS IF IT NOT A REALITY. IN OTHER WORDS, TO BE RECKLESS.
MAYBE JACKASS NEEDED THAT AIR OF INVINCIBILITY TO BE HONEST. MAYBE IT THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE WHAT THEY DOING “OKAY” FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION. MAYBE THE WHOLE “FUN AND GAMES” TREATMENT AND LAUGH RIOT ASPECT THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE SEEM NOT LIKE WHAT IT WAS: DOWNRIGHT SCARY.
BUT AS THE JACKASS CREW GOT OLDER, AND THE STUNTS GOT MORE INSANE, THE RETARDED(4) NATURE OF THEIR ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT BECAME EVEN MORE PROMINENT:
THEY CHALLENGED DEATH BECAUSE IT WHAT KEPT THEM YOUNG.
IT THE ONLY WAY TO MAINTAIN THE AIR OF INVINCIBILITY. THEY DEFINED THEMSELVES BY THE HIGH SCHOOL AESTHETIC. BUT AS REALITY OF THEIR AGES SET IN… THEY HAD TO CHALLENGE DEATH AS FREQUENTLY AS THEY COULD. IT PURE INSTINCT TO THEM AT THIS POINT.
PUT IT THIS WAY: THERE NO OTHER REASON TO GET TRASHED AND DRIVE 140 MPH ON THE HIGHWAY, KILLING YOUR FRIEND IN PROCESS… ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NONE.
DEATH = WHAT THE JACKASS CREW WANTED WHETHER THEY EVEN KNEW IT OR NOT. FOR ONE, HULK WOULD ARGUE THEY CERTAINLY NOT AWARE OF IT. THEY ALL SEEM INCREDIBLY BROKEN UP ABOUT DUNN’S DEATH FOR ONE.(5) WHICH AGAIN SURPRISING GIVEN THEIR LIFESTYLE, BUT MORE TELLING = HOW QUICK THEY ARE TO MEMORIALIZE HIS BEHAVIOR. WHY SO QUICK?
CAUSE NOW DUNN GET TO BE YOUNG FOREVER AND THEY GET TO CELEBRATE/REVEL IN IT.
TMZ CAPTURING THE MOMENT OF ENSHRINEMENT
CHEATING DEATH AND BECOMING FAMOUS REALLY THE SAME GOAL WITH THE SAME MOTIVATION. OH TO MAINTAIN THAT YOUTHFUL, EVERLASTING GLOW! TO LIVE IN THAT REALITY WHERE NOTHING CAN EVER TOUCH YOU. AND THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT BY DYING YOUNG. SUBCONSCIOUSLY THEY ALL KNEW IT.
THE GREATEST JACKASS STUNT OF ALL WOULD BE THE ONE WHERE ONE OF THEM DIED. RIGHT? THAT THE SUBCONSCIOUS LOGIC TO THE WHOLE THING. WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, NO ONE THERE TO FILM RYAN DUNN’S DEADLY PRANK OF DRINKING A SHITLOAD THEN DRIVING HIS PORSCHE AT 140 MPH.
HULK NOT FEELING LIKE HULK GOING OUT ON LIMB WITH ANY OF THIS CRAP EITHER. IT FAIRLY STANDARD STUFF. IT THE SAME REASON EVERY CELEBRITY WHO OBSESSES WITH THEIR “OUTSIDER-NESS” COME TO THE SAME INEVITABLE END OF DYING YOUNG: KURT COBAIN, MORRISON, HENDRIX, JOPLIN, ALL OF THEM. THEY SO DEFINED BY THEIR YOUTHFULNESS THAT HULK BELIEVE IN SOME PART THEY JUST NO CONTAINED THE ABILITY TO GET OLD.(6)
AND IT SEEMS THAT NEITHER CAN SOME MEMBERS OF THE JACKASS CREW…
THERE PART OF HULK THAT HAVE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS ESSAY.. PERHAPS THIS CHEATING DEATH THEORY AND YOUTH CULTURE’S EMBRACING OF THE “TRAGEDY” NARRATIVE GETTING TO HULK…
YOU SEE, WHILE WRITING THIS PIECE, HULK’S STEPMOTHER DIED SUDDENLY TODAY OF HEALTH COMPLICATION. HULK KNEW HER WHOLE LIFE AND SHE VERY CLOSE WITH HULK. HULK STILL SORT OF IN SHOCK AND DEALING WITH IT. HULK FEEL INCREDIBLY CHEAP EVEN BRINGING IT UP, BUT IT JUST BRING UP IMPORTANT MATTER THAT STRIKING CHORD WITH WHAT HULK WAS ALREADY TALKING ABOUT.
THE FRAGILITY OF LIFE HARD TO COME GRIPS WITH BECAUSE BY EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING IT POSSIBLE, THAT WE ALL HUMAN, IT INSTANTANEOUSLY MAKE YOU “OLD.” THAT CAUSE THE SECOND YOU TRULY ACCEPT THE REALITY THAT AT ANY MOMENT YOU CAN DIE, THAT IT ALSO MEAN YOU COULD HAVE ALREADY LIVED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
MOST PEOPLE RUN FROM THIS ASPECT OF ACCEPTANCE.
IT WHY JACKASS CREW SHOCKED BY DUNN’S DEATH. IT WHY MANY YOUNGISH PEOPLE ONLINE RALLYING BEHIND THEM . IT WHY SO MANY THRILL-SEEKER JUSTIFY THEIR ACTIONS BY SAYING “LIFE IS TOO SHORT.” THIS SAYING ALWAYS IRONIC TO HULK BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY JUST RUNNING FROM LIFE. THERE NO RATIONAL WAY TO PROCESS THE “LIFE IS TOO SHORT” REALIZATION OTHER THAN NOT JUMPING OFF A CLIFF AND GOING TO HUG YOUR LOVED ONES. IF LIFE SO PRECIOUS, IT SHOULD BE TREATED AS PRECIOUS.(7) THE JACKASS GANG AND THRILL-SEEKERS ONLY WAY OF DEALING WITH “LIFE TOO SHORT” TO TRY AND WALK UP TO REALITY AND PROVE IT NOT TRUE.
AGAIN, THIS NOT TO BE MORALLY SUPERIOR. HULK NOT TRYING SAY THRILL-SEEKERS AND JACKASS GANG = IDIOTS OR ANYTHING. NOTHING OF SORT. THEIR BEHAVIOR FAIRLY TYPICAL OF HUMAN BEHAVIOR.
IT JUST THAT HULK STILL FIND THE MANTRA OF THESE GROUPS TO BE DISHONEST.
IT NOT LIFE AFFIRMING. THEY TRYING TO CHEAT DEATH.
AND IT JUST MAKE HULK SAD.
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW HALF OUR CULTURE NOW FAWNING OVER AN EMOTIONALLY STUNTED PRACTITIONER OF RECKLESS ABANDON, WHILE THE OTHER HALF BEHAVES MORALLY SUPERIOR TO HIM.
MEANWHILE, THE DEATH OF AN ACTUAL BRILLIANT, FORWARD-THINKING, KIND, CONSCIENTIOUS, AND COMMUNITY-DRIVEN, ADULT WILL GO LARGELY UNNOTICED.
AND SHE THE ONE WHO SAW DEATH AS A FACT OF LIFE…
… NOT A SUBCONSCIOUS GOAL.
ENDNOTES:
(1) BESIDES, THE BEST WAY NOT TO SUCCUMB TO DRUNK DRIVING TO SIMPLY REALIZE JUST HOW EASY IT IS TO DO IT. IT NOT EXACTLY HEROISM, BUT SIMPLY MAINTAINING AWARENESS.
(2) THOUGH IF IT BETWEEN THE TWO, HULK OPT FOR THE CHEESY PSA EVERY TIME
(3) HULK THINK OF COURSE THEY CAN BEHAVE LIKE THIS. IT WITHIN THEIR RIGHTS AND THEY MAKE LIVING AT IT. BUT IT THE CONSEQUENCE FREE PART THAT SEEM OBVIOUS.
(4) PROPER USE OF WORD, SLOWED/STUNTED.
(5) AGAIN, SAVE FOR KNOXVILLE, WHO ALWAYS THE MORE INTERESTED IN NORMAL HOLLYWOOD STUFF, SEEMED THE MOST MATURE, MELLOWED OUT WHEN HE HAD KIDS, AND GENERALLY JUST SEEMS TIRED OF THE WHOLE THING AT THIS POINT. MOST OF HIS STUNTS SEEM BORN FROM SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY TO THE GROUP.
(6) IT NOT SIMPLY A ROCK/ROLL LIFESTYLE THING, BUT VERY PARTICULAR PERSONALITY TRAIT. THE ROLLING STONES NEVER REALLY CHASED. MICK JAGGER WAS PURE VANITY AND OBSESSED WITH FAME, BUT IT THE KIND OF NARCISSISM THAT CAN’T LET GO OF LIFE. THE YOUTHFUL DEAD MEANWHILE, HAD NO SUCH VALUE ON LIFE, JUST THE ATTITUDE.
(7) THIS NOT MEAN ONE SHOULD LIVE IN PERPETUAL FEAR OR ANYTHING. NOTHING OF THE SORT. JUST THAT THE END NOT SOMETHING TO BE “SOUGHT OUT” PREMATURELY.
