HULK EXPLAINS ACTION SCENES – ACTION STRIKES BACK! WITH SPECIAL GUEST TOM TOWNEND! DAY 2 OF 3

PREAMBLE: YESTERDAY, HULK PUBLISHED THE FASTEST CLIMBING ARTICLE IN THIS BLOG’S HISTORY.  IF YOU DIDN’T READ IT, YOU CAN DO SO BY CLICKING RIGHT HERE.

THE RESPONSE TO THE PIECE HAS BEEN TRULY HUMBLING, AND HULK HAVE MANY SINCERE THANKS TO Y’ALL.

SO HOW ABOUT WE EMBARK ON DAY 2?

CINEMATOGRAPHER EXTRAORDINAIRE TOM TOWNEND BACK AND WE READY TO ROLL (NOTE: IF HE HEARD HULK CALL HIM THAT HE WOULD GET ALL BASHFUL AND DEMURE. BUT AS EVIDENCED IN THE PRIOR COLUMN, HE PRETTY BRILLIANT).

SO YESTERDAY WE TOOK ON THE CONCEPTS AT THE CENTER OF CREATING GOOD ACTION: STARTING WITH SIMPLE IDEAS, TREATING THE ACTION AS A “STORY,” THE BASICS OF CAUSE + EFFECT, AND HAVING OBJECTIVES.

TODAY CONCERNS HOW ONE GOES ABOUT THE EXECUTION OF THOSE CONCEPTS. WE HAVE 3 PARTS FOR YOUR ASSES: GEOGRAPHY, TONE/SUSPENSE, AND “PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER.”  IN WHICH, WE WILL TALK THE MATRIX, KUNG FU, JACKIE CHAN, SOUND DESIGN, CAT PEOPLE, TAUT FILMMAKING, QUENTIN TARANTINO’S DIALOGUE SET-UPS, THE COEN BROTHERS RELATIVE AWESOMENESS, AND… DAVID LYNCH? WHAT THE FUCK?

LET’S DO IT:

PART 3 – GEOGRAPHY AND “SEEING THE FRAME”

YOU MAY ASK, “HULK, WHY DO KUNG FU FILMS WORK IF THEY’RE NOT REALLY USING CAUSE + EFFECT AND MORE JUST GUY’S PUNCHING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER?”

HULK WOULD ANSWER, “THAT A TERRIBLE QUESTION. YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING, DO YOU?”

… LUCKILY IT’S JUST A FAKE QUESTION HULK MADE UP TO PROVE A SILLY POINT: A GOOD FIGHT/KUNG-FU SCENE HAS JUST AS MUCH CAUSE + EFFECT AS ANY OTHER GOOD ACTION SCENE, IT JUST WORKS AT MUCH, MUCH FASTER PACE. BUT IN ORDER FOR IT TO WORK, ALL THE PUNCHES, BLOCKS, AND REVERSALS HAVE TO MAKE SENSE TO THE VIEWER. SO WHEN YOU SEE TWO PEOPLE FIGHTING, YOU HAVE TO SEE THEM FIGHTING.

THE WAY TO DO THAT IS WITH A CERTAIN WORD PEOPLE THROW AROUND A LOT WHEN TALKING ABOUT ACTION SCENES, AND THAT IS WORD “GEOGRAPHY.” WHAT IT MEANS IS THE UNDERSTANDING OF CHARACTERS IN PLACEMENT WITH EACH OTHER AS WELL AS THE SPACE AROUND THEM.

IT SOUNDS RELATIVELY SIMPLE, BUT HULK ASSURE YOU THAT AFTER DEALING WITH THE PRODUCTION COMPLICATIONS OF BLOCKING, SHOT SELECTION, AND THEN EDITING, THEN EVEN THE MOST HEAVILY PRE-VISUALIZED SEQUENCE CAN COME OUT LESS COHESIVE THAN IMAGINED IN THE FINAL PRODUCT. AFTER ALL, 3O SECONDS OF GUYS HITTING EACH OTHER ON SCREEN USUALLY TAKES DAYS TO FILM. WHICH MEANS IT IS VERY, VERY EASY TO LOSE TRACK OF HOW THINGS FIT TOGETHER IN THE CHAOS OF PRODUCTION.(9C) WHICH MEANS THAT WHEN SOMEONE IS FILMING A FIGHT SCENE, THE OVERALL COMMITMENT TO GEOGRAPHY HAS TO BE PARAMOUNT.

FORGIVE A QUICK NOTE ON THE HISTORY OF HOLLYWOOD’S RELATIONSHIP TO ACTION “GEOGRAPHY” BUT IT’S IMPORTANT FOR THE NEXT POINT. SAID HISTORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS: IN THE DAWN OF MOVIES THE FRAME WAS STILL PRIMARILY THE “THEATER WINDOW” WHICH MADE EVERYTHING LOOK LIKE A FILMED STAGE PLAY. SO REALLY GEOGRAPHY OF PEOPLE AND ACTION WAS PRETTY MUCH A GIVEN. EVEN IN THE GOLDEN AGE OF FILM NOIR (INSERT 90 MILLION AWESOME FILMS AS EXAMPLES), WHICH USED A MUCH MORE STYLIZED FORM OF FILMMAKING, THE STYLE WAS PRETTY MUCH COMPOSED OF WIDE SHOTS AND LOTS OF INSERTS THAT FOCUSED ON CLARITY. THE MAJOR DIFFERENCE WAS THE LIGHTING AND COMPOSITION WAS FREAKING AWESOME. EVEN THE 60’S/ 70’S ACTION MOVIES (DIRTY HARRY, THE GREAT ESCAPE,  BULLITT, THE FRENCH CONNECTION) USED THE INVENTION OF CINEMA SCOPE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE WIDE-FRAME. ACTION WAS STILL RULED BY MASTER SHOTS.

LIKE THIS:

THEN THE CINEMATIC REVOLUTION OF THE LATE 70’S CHANGED THE LANGUAGE OF HIGH FORM CINEMA ALL TOGETHER.  THEN SPIELBERG AND LUCAS TOOK THAT NEW FILM LANGUAGE AND USED IT TO CHANGE POPCORN CINEMA. SPIELBERG SHOT HIS ACTION FOR MAXIMUM AUDIENCE TENSION AND LUCAS SHOT HIS ACTION FOR MAXIMUM PACE (AT THE TIME THAT IS). THE EFFECT WAS REMARKABLE, BUT IT’S IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT BOTH FILMMAKERS RITUALLY SACRIFICED GEOGRAPHY IN THE NAME OF THESE OTHER CONCEPTS. LUCKILY, THEY WERE SO GOOD AT THOSE OTHER CONCEPTS THAT THEIR WORK WAS REVOLUTIONARY. THE PROBLEM IS THAT THE GENERATION THAT FOLLOWED THEM MISSED THE MARK AND TOOK THE “STYLE” AND “PACE” OF BOTH FILMMAKERS, WITHOUT REALIZING THEIR GENIUS WAS IN THE CONTENT OF DRAMATIZATION, NOT THE CINEMATIC CHEATS. THUS, THE 80’S/90’S WERE LARGELY DARK TIMES FOR ACTION COHERENCE AND GEOGRAPHY, SAVE FOR A FEW BRIGHT SPOTS OF INTERNATIONAL CINEMA.

ENTER THE MATRIX.

…OF THE MANY OF THE THINGS THE WACHOWSKI BROTHERS DID RIGHT (AND WRONG), THEY AT LEAST UNDERSTOOD THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN ALL THEIR FIGHT SCENES WAS GEOGRAPHY.

TOM: In all the hooplah, some people forget that it really is such an important movie outside of its own context (and sequels). The popular introduction of Hong Kong fight choreography to mainstream Hollywood raised the stakes – endless punches and tussles look lame now. Unfortunately the silly physics is what Hollywood adopted instead of the ‘flow’ and ‘shape.’ We got bullet-time jokes instead of people aping the most important thing – one specific fighting action leading to another specific fighting action – cause and effect on a macro and highly engineered level. The Dojo fight in that movie is a rare example of Hollywood getting it right.

BOOM. EXACTLY. FOR ALL THE FANCY NEW TECHNOLOGY + SPECIAL EFFECTS, IT WAS REALLY JUST GOOD OLE-FASHIONED KNOW-HOW WITH CAMERA ANGLES THAT MADE IT THE MOVIE WORK (ALONG WITH HEAVY COMMITMENT TO BASIC METAPHORS AND STORY TROPES). AND THAT DOJO SCENE IS EXEMPLARY OF EVERYTHING THE MOVIE DID SO WELL.

SO WHY DON’T WE TAKE A LOOK?

WHILE THE ACTION ITSELF IS RATHER DYNAMIC AND COMPLICATED, WERE YOU EVER CONFUSED ABOUT WHERE SOMEONE WAS IN RELATION TO THE OTHER? OR HOW THEY PULLED OFF AND EXECUTED A MOVE?

TOM: Nope.

THE CAMERA IS ALWAYS JUST FAR ENOUGH BACK TO SHOW THE WHOLE MOVEMENT. IN FACT, THE MOVEMENTS OF THE ACTORS ACTUALLY DICTATED WHERE THE CAMERA SHOULD GO NEXT, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. NOTICE THEIR RELATIONSHIP, THE WAY THE CAMERA SEEMED TO FLOW OFF OF THE ACTOR’S ACTIONS, AS IF IT WAS REACTING WITH EQUAL GRACE. IT BEHAVES ALMOST LIKE A DANCE PARTNER. BUT EVEN WHEN THE CAMERA IS MOVING, IT IS NEVER SO DISTRACTING AS TO MAKE THE CAMERA MOVEMENT THE MOST ACTIVE PART OF THE SCENE. IT’S NEVER TRYING TO BE “NOTICED.”

TOM: Right, it’s low stakes showboating that only just avoids pastiche.

OOOH. GOOD WORD CHOICE!

TOM: Thanks!

SO NOW LET’S GO BACK TO OUR EARLIER POINTS. NOTICE WHAT TOM TALKING ABOUT WITH THE MACRO CAUSE + EFFECT. KUNG FU IS FREAKING BEAUTIFUL, BUT STILL SIMPLE IN THOSE “STORY-TELLING” TERMS: MOVE. REVERSE. MOVE. REVERSE.

AND NOTICE THE EFFECTIVE USE OF OBJECTIVES IN THE SCENE! NOTICE HOW MORPHEUS PROVIDE THE GOALS AND EXPLAINS EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENING. HE’S NOT JUST NARRATING THE ACTION, BUT ALSO THE EMOTIONAL/CHARACTER ARC FOR NEO. AS LAME AND CLICHE AND ON THE NOSE AS ALL THOSE EMOTIONAL BEATS ARE, BY MAKING IT SO DAMN CLEAR IT ALLOWS ALL THE FANCY-PANTS ACTION TO HAVE ACTUAL STORY MEANING.

TOM: Yeah, not sure The Matrix needs the sly character exposition of Silkwood… though it couldn’t hurt.

HULK LAUGH.  BUT SEE HOW IT ALL STARTING TO PIECE TOGETHER? CAUSE + EFFECT/OBJECTIVES TIE RIGHT GEOGRAPHY BECAUSE BOTH STRIVE FOR THE GOAL OF CLARITY. AND GEOGRAPHY IS SO IMPORTANT IN HAND TO HAND FIGHT SCENE BECAUSE IT’S WHAT TELLS THE STORY. SO NOW IT’S COMING TOGETHER TO MAKE A CLEARER PICTURE OF HOW ACTION WORKS.

BUT LET’S TAKE FIGHT SCENES ONE STEP FURTHER WITH THE ALL-TIME GREAT OF KUNG-FU ACTION: JACKIE CHAN.

                                                   FUCK YEAH!

JUST SO YOU KNOW, HULK ADORES JACKIE CHAN. HULK EVEN BELIEVE HE ONE OF CINEMA’S GREAT HEIRS OF PHYSICAL COMEDY. MAYBE IT’S JUST THAT HULK GREW UP ON HIM, BUT HULK THINK HE PROBABLY HAVE MORE IN COMMON WITH THE SPARKLE OF BUSTER KEATON AND CHARLIE CHAPLIN THAN PROBABLY ANY OTHER CINEMATIC FIGURES, THOUGH HULK WILLING TO ACCEPT ARGUMENTS. (9D) SO EVEN THOUGH HIS HOLLYWOOD OUTPUT IS LESS STELLAR THAN HIS HONG-KONG OUTPUT, EVEN THOUGH HULK ADORE HIM, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THAT WHAT HE DOES STILL WORKS IN THE MOST BASIC CONCEPTS OF ACTION.

EVEN THOUGH JACKIE IS WORKING IN THE KUNG FU GENRE, WE’VE PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED FROM SPIELBERG THAT LAUGHTER, ELATION, AND FIGHTING ENJOYMENT WORK IN EXACT SAME TERMS OF SET-UP/DELIVERY. SO IF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND AND INTEGRATE THEM SEAMLESSLY, YOU CAN CREATE INTERCHANGEABLE FORMS OF JOY. HULK BELIEVE THIS THE REASON JACKIE CHAN THE MOST POPULAR KUNG-FU IMPORT OVER OTHER GREAT CHOICES: HE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO THRILL YOU OR MAKE YOU LAUGH EVERY TWO SECONDS OF AN ACTION SCENE. AND IT’S NOT JUST HIS FIGHTING ABILITIES, WHICH ARE JAW DROPPING, BUT THE FACT HE UNDERSTOOD THAT BY USING CAUSE + EFFECT SO CLEARLY THAT HE COULD ENTERTAIN ON SEVERAL DIFFERENT LEVELS IN WHOLLY RAPID SUCCESSION.

THIS SOUNDS LIKE A SILLY STATEMENT, BUT HULK SO HAPPY THAT JACKIE WAS A PRODUCT OF TRADITIONAL ASIAN CINEMA. UNLIKE AMERICAN FILMS AND PERFORMERS, ASIAN CINEMA REALIZES THAT SUPER IMPORTANT LESSON THAT IF YOU’RE SHOWING SOMETHING GREAT THEN THE CAMERA NEVER HAS TO DO ANYTHING.

LET’S SEE HIM AT WORK, PARTICULARLY AT A SCENE THAT MOSTLY INVOLVES HAND TO HAND FIGHTING (INSTEAD OF USING PROPS, WHICH HE IS FAMOUS FOR) TO MAKE OUR POINT. WATCH HOW MUCH HE CAN AUGMENT THE BASICS OF FIGHTING, MAKING EACH PUNCH AND KICK LOOK UNIQUE IN THE CONTEXT OF ALL THE OTHERS. AND IF KUNG-FU MOVIES ARE NOT YOUR THING, FORGIVE THE PUERILE NATURE OF THE HUMOR IN THIS SCENE AND BAD-DUBBING. THIS IS WHAT KUNG FU MOVIES DO , SO HULK ASKS YOU TO BE PATIENT AND JUST LET IT BUILD. BUT AGAIN, WATCH HOW LITTLE THE CAMERA DOES:

FIRST OFF, LET US JUST ACKNOWLEDGE IF MATT DAMON DID THIS IN AN ACTION MOVIE THE ENTIRE EASTERN SEABOARD WOULD HAVE SHIT ITS COLLECTIVE PANTS (FOLLOWED OF COURSE, BY EACH SUCCESSIVE TIME ZONE). INSTEAD, THESE AMAZING FEATS ARE SOMEHOW REGARDED AS JUST “THAT STUFF THAT JACKIE DOES.” BUT THERE ARE REAL LESSONS TO TAKE AWAY.

NOTICE IN THE CLIP HOW SHORT THE ACTUAL SEQUENCE OF HITS ARE PER OPPONENT. IT IS NOT AND ENDLESS SERIES PUNCH AND KICK COMBOS. HE MOVES FROM BAD GUY TO BAD GUY SO QUICKLY (READ: LINKS THEM) THAT IT WORKS BEAUTIFULLY AND FEELS LIKE HE’S PROGRESSING, EVEN THOUGH IT IS JUST THE SAME FOUR BAD GUYS OVER AND OVER. JACKIE UNDERSTOOD THAT YOU HAD TO PUNCTUATE MOMENTS OF FIGHT SCENES LIKE SENTENCES: WITH REVERSALS, FLIPS, FALLS, JOKES, TURNING ATTENTION, FUNNY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, AND ALL THESE FUNNY PUNCTUATION MARKS FLOW IN THE COURSE OF THE ACTION. YES, THE FIGHTING HAS AN ACTUAL RHYTHM.  AND IT’S NOT JUST BECAUSE JACKIE IS AN ABSURDLY TALENTED FIGHTER, IT’S BECAUSE THE FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY SO WELL-DESIGNED IN FIRST PLACE.

AND AGAIN, THE CAMERA NEVER GETS IN THE FREAKING WAY.

BET LET US ALL BE HONEST, LOTS OF ACTORS ARE JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO FIGHT ANYWHERE CLOSE TO THIS LEVEL (AND THEN THERE’S THE PESKY, THOUGH TOTALLY HUMANE MATTER OF INSURANCE) BUT THE LESSON OF THIS KIND OF STUFF FOR HOLLYWOOD SHOULD OBVIOUS: STRIVE TO PRODUCE THIS LEVEL OF ACTION.

POST-MATRIX HOLLYWOOD IS OBVIOUSLY WAY, WAY BETTER AT OFFERING HIGH QUALITY MARTIAL ARTS AND FIGHTING THAN BEFORE, BUT LOTS OF TIMES HOLLYWOOD IS STILL JUST “HIDING” THE ACTION SO IT DOESN’T LOOK LAME. WELL HULK ARGUE THAT NOT REALLY AN EXCUSE. NOT THIS DAY IN AGE. ACTORS TRAIN FOR MONTHS. FUCK, EDGAR WRIGHT WAS ABLE TO MAKE MICHAEL CERA, MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD AND EGG, HULK MEAN ANNE, FROM ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT KICK ALL SORTS OF RELATIVE ASS IN SCOTT PILGRIM. HULK MEAN, JUST FREAKING WATCH:

SERIOUSLY HOLLYWOOD? CERA, WINSTEAD, AND MAE WHITMAN JUST HANDED YOU YOUR FUCKING ASS. SURE, EDGAR WRIGHT MIGHT BE A ONCE IN A GENERATION FILMMAKER (MORE ON THAT ON DAY 3), BUT WHAT THIS SCENE PROVES IS THAT YOU ABSOLUTELY, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, HAVE ANY EXCUSE.(10A)

YOU HAVE TO DO BETTER. MOST OF THESE ACTION MOVIE STARS ALREADY HAVE A BREADTH OF FIGHTING EXPERIENCE. AND EVEN THEN OUR FACIAL REPLACEMENT SOFTWARE IS LEGITIMATELY PERFECT NOW AND HOLLYWOOD’S STUNT MEN AND STUNT COORDINATORS ARE SO FUCKING AMAZING AT THEIR JOBS THAT THERE’S JUST NO EXCUSE. HULK WANT TO SEE WHAT THEY CAN DO. APPARENTLY, TOM CRUISE WAS APPARENTLY A NO-BULLSHIT MASTER SWORDSMAN BY THE END OF HIS TRAINING FOR LAST SAMURAI, BUT HULK WOULDN’T KNOW FROM WHAT THE MOVIE SHOWED… SO PULL BACK THE CAMERA AND STOP OVERLY CUTTING FOR FUCKS SAKE…. SORRY. HULK GETTING  A LITTLE SMASHY. (10B)

GETTING THE CAMERA OUT OF THE WAY MATTERS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE SOMETHING WELL-CHOREOGRAPHED.

NEED PROOF? THIS TIME LET’S WATCH AN AMERICANIZED JACKIE CHAN MOVIE. HECK, HOW ABOUT THE ONE WHERE HE SQUARES OFF AGAINST THE OTHER IMMORTAL KUNG FU LEGEND, JET-LI! NOW UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A FIGHT THAT KUNG FU FANS WAITED FOR FOR DECADES… AND WATCH HOW IT TREATED “SIMILARLY” UNDER AN AMERICAN DIRECTOR, BUT DIFFERENTLY ENOUGH THAT IT ROBS THE SEQUENCE OF EFFECT:

WHY THIS SCENE FEEL SO DIFFERENT?

IT BECAUSE THE ACTION MOMENTS LACK PERSONALITY AND BEATS. THE TRANSITIONS ARE LIKE “OKAY, NO WE’RE KICKING BACK AND FORTH, NOW WE PUNCHING BACK AND FORTH.” THERE ARE NO REAL PUNCTUATION MARKS, JUST ENDLESS SUCCESSIONS. AND RATHER THAN STRIVE FOR REAL IMPACT, IT STRIVES TO BE BEAUTIFUL/ARTFUL. SURE THE CAMERA IS TECHNICALLY “FAR BACK” A LOT OF TIMES, BUT IT HAS A NUMBER OF TIMES IT CUTS WAY TOO CLOSE FOR SOME ILL CONCEIVED REASON. BASICALLY, THE CAMERA TRY TO “HELP” TOO MUCH.  AND IT FLIRTS WITH HAVING THE GEOGRAPHY IN PLACE, BUT EVERY TIME IT CUTS TO HIGHLIGHT SOMETHING”COOL” IT ONLY GETS IN THE WAY OF WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO BE SEEING.(10C)

AGAIN THESE ARE JUST BASIC CAMERA AESTHETICS. WHAT THAT CLIP MISSES MOST OF ALL IS THE SPIELBERGIAN ELEMENT OF INVENTIVENESS THAT WAS PRESENT IN THE DRUNKEN MASTER CLIP.

AND NOW TO FINISH THIS PART OFF, IT’S THAT TIME AGAIN! LET’S GO BACK TO ATTACK THE BLOCK:

TOM: Ironically, whilst the preservation of ‘screen’ geography has been praised in reviews Joe & I were also trying to hide ‘real’ geography. The A-B journey of the script is built from a totally illogical actual journey – to provide the landscape for various action beats.

THAT AMAZING TO HULK BUT KNOWING PRODUCTION LOGISTICS, ABSOLUTELY TRUE. BUT HULK REALLY FELT LIKE EVERYTHING REGISTERED RATHER WELL. YOU HAD SENSE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD, WHERE EVERYONE LIVED AND HOW TO GET AROUND, EVEN IF THE PHYSICAL LOCATION NO MATCH AT ALL.

TOM: I’m glad it worked. We had the advantage of a location with very consistent and modular architecture and the sequence was set at night which meant that only what was lit was what you saw and true linear geography could be kept vague.  But we wanted to try and keep things consistent within our screen geography and were diligent about establishing what was in front, behind, to the left, to the right, up and down…

Again, it seems repetitious of me but at the root of everything was the script.  When one sees a character on screen doing something perilous everyone likes to feel that this was still their best option.  Otherwise one starts to loose faith and identification with the character.  To keep the actions of the gang grounded they had to always seem to be making decisions consistent with their established character and circumstances so to force them into jeopardy (which is were all the exciting fun stuff is, right?) there had to be a series of reasonable obstacles between them and physical freedom and/or atonement.

Moses makes 3 bad choices in succession at the start of the story (attempt to mug someone, give an alien a punitive kicking & accept the offer of dealing hard drugs).  Then in the subsequent 3 sequences each of those choices he made start to backfire on him and until the end of the film him and his comrades are hemmed in by the fallout from their own behaviour.  The 4th ingredient is the geography of the location, especially the titular ‘Block’ and the script was very specific in it’s description of the building, the placement of characters apartments within it and particular (but not unrealistic) quirks such as there being no elevator access to the top floor, only one entrance or exit, metal security gates on only a select number of apartment doors, etc.

The doyen of these sorts of mechanics is Die Hard, my all time 2nd favourite film set in a tower block.

HULK LAUGH.

BELIEVE.

PART 4 – TONE, SUSPENSE, AND THE ART OF GOING “TAUT”

A WOMAN WALKS DOWN AN ABANDONED HALLWAY.  SHE SENSES SOMETHING UNSEEN. SHE SLOWS. THE MOMENT BUILDS. AND THEN SOMETHING JUMPS OUT AND SCARES THE FUCK OUT OF HER/THE AUDIENCE.

WE’VE SEEN THIS A MILLION TIMES BEFORE. IT IS NOT A NEW IDEA. IT IS NOT A “COOL” IDEA. SO WHY DOES IT CONTINUE WORK TIME AND TIME AGAIN IN A MILLION DIFFERENT FORMS?

YES, CAUSE + EFFECT IS ONE BIG PART OF IT (THE SCENE IS PRETTY MUCH ALL SET-UP), BUT SINCE THERE IS NO CLEAR VISUAL EVIDENCE OF WHAT ABOUT TO ACTUALLY HAPPEN, WHERE DOES THE TENSION COME FROM? WHAT CREATES IT? WHAT IS ACTUALLY SETTING YOU UP?

SOMETIMES ACTION IS ABOUT THE SEEMINGLY INTANGIBLE THINGS, THE ACTION WE DON’T SEE. THE TENSION COMES FROM A “FEELING” WE GET. AND WHEN HULK TALKS ABOUT HOW A MOVIE FEELS THE WORD TO USE IN THAT SITUATION IS TONE. DOES THE SCENE FEEL TENSE? FUN? CHAOTIC? SAD? THAT IS WHAT TONE IS. AND MOST TIMES THE POINT OF A SCENE IS NOT ABOUT WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING, BUT HOW THE SCENE FEELS.

THE AESTHETICS OF CINEMATOGRAPHY PLAY A PART IN TONE OF COURSE. HULK THINK MOST PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THIS INTRINSICALLY: THERE IS THE DARK AND MOODY SOURCE LIGHTING OF DRAMAS AND THE HIGH-KEY BRIGHT LIGHTING OF A ROMANTIC COMEDIES. BUT WHILE THE EFFECT OF CAMERA AESTHETICS ARE DEFINITELY IMPORTANT, THEY ARE SLIGHTLY OVERRATED BY THE PUBLIC COMPARED TO SOMETHING ELSE:

SOUND DESIGN!

                                                BEEP BOOP.

SOUND DESIGN IS ABSOLUTELY THE FIRST THING RESPONSIBLE FOR EFFECTIVE TONE ESTABLISHMENT. THIS ABSOLUTELY INCLUDES THE SCORE BY THE WAY. BOTH THE SOUND DESIGN AND SCORE WORK IN CONJUNCTION TO PROVIDE THE “FEELING” OF A MOVIE AND PLAY THE AUDIENCE ON A WHOLLY VISCERAL LEVEL, MEANING SOMETHING YOU INHERENTLY REACT TO IN AN UN-PROCRESSED MANNER. SAD MUSIC MAKES YOU CRY. SCRAPING METAL MAKES YOUR CRINGE, ETC.

SO LET’S GO BACK TO THE EXAMPLE OF THE WOMAN WALKING DOWN THE ABANDONED HALLWAY. OUR FIRST EMOTIONAL CUE THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WILL LIKELY COME FROM SOUND. IT WILL BE SUBTLE. ALMOST SUBCONSCIOUS. THINGS WILL SUDDENLY GET QUIET. THE SOUND DESIGNER WILL USE PERHAPS A SLIGHT DRONE OR HIGH-PITCHED WHINE TO GET YOUR EARS AND BODY TO RESPOND. WE HAVE A VISCERAL REACTION TO THESE SOUNDS EVEN IF OUR BRAIN IS NOT ACTUALLY PROCESSING IT. THE SUSPICION WILL THEN BE CONFIRMED WITH VISUAL CUES FROM THE WOMAN (HER SLOWING DOWN/LOOKING INTO THE NOTHINGNESS). THE FEELING WILL BUILD. PERHAPS A SLIGHT MUSICAL CUE TO “HEIGHTEN” THE EMOTION. AGAIN NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENING, BUT THE AUDIO TELLING US SOMETHING WRONG BEFORE IT EVEN HAPPENS. AND THEN IN THE EVENTUAL MOMENT OF ACTUAL ON-SCREEN ACTION, WHEN THE THING JUMPS OUT, THE SOUND DESIGN WILL CLIMAX OR RELEASE, THUS ENDING THE BUILD.

TOM: Stop right there. You all have to watch and enjoy this:

TOM: Surely the progenitor of all ‘lone woman getting spooked in an alley’ sequences.  I believe that the device of a sudden, loud (but justifiably ‘diagetic’) noise on the soundtrack, which makes the audience jump but which proves not to be the expected threat, is known colloquially as a ‘Lewton’s Bus’ to this day.

HULK TOTALLY HEARD THAT BEFORE BUT DIDN’T KNOW THE REFERENCE! UGH! AMAZING!

YOU DEAR READER WILL RECOGNIZE WHAT WE TALKING ABOUT HERE AS TEXTBOOK HORROR DEVICES, BUT THE SOUND DESIGN/SCORING OF ACTION SCENES USES EXACT SAME LOGIC, EITHER WITH A BIT MORE SPEED AND SUCCESSION, OR NICE LONG BUILDS TURNING INTO EXTENDED SEQUENCES.

LET’S LOOK AT A VERY WELL-MADE FILM BY EVERYONE’S FAVORITE ANTI-SEMITIC/SEXIST/CRAZY ASSHOLE. CONCERNING OUR EARLIER PARTS, THE SCENE YOU ARE ABOUT TO WATCH IS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF CAUSE + EFFECT AND YET A TERRIBLE EXAMPLE OF ESTABLISHING GEOGRAPHY. THIS IS OKAY BECAUSE IT MAKES UP FOR ANY GEOGRAPHY PROBLEMS WITH TREMENDOUS ABILITY TO BUILD TO THE ACTION WITH SOUND DESIGN/MUSIC.  PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO JUST THE AUDIO IN THIS  SCENE AND HOW IT FEELS:

GREAT USE OF TONE RIGHT? THE WAY THE SOUND ECHOES AS THINGS MOVE SLOW? THE WAY THE MUSIC GOES IN AND OUT.? THE WAY IT PROPELS ONCE THE ACTION ACTUALLY STARTS? THE WA IT PUNCTUATES THE ACTUAL MOMENTS OF IMPACT? THE THINGS THAT MAKE THIS SCENE WORK ARE THE EXACT SAME PRINCIPALS OF THE HALLWAY SCARE ANALOGY, JUST AUGMENTED TO FIT BOTH DRAMA AND ACTION.

HULK WANT TO USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO DISCUSS SOUND WITH A REALLY WEIRD EXAMPLE AND SHOW THAT EFFECTIVE SOUND DESIGN CAN PLAY PART OF ANY KIND OF MOVIE AND CONTROLS YOUR INTENTION/MEANING WAY MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE.

THAT EXAMPLE IS DAVID LYNCH.

WHEN WE TYPICALLY THINK OF DAVID LYNCH, WE THINK OF HIS AMAZING/CRAZY IMAGERY: THE BABY IN ERASERHEAD. OR FRANK WITH OXYGEN TANK. OR THE SCARY HOMELESS MONSTER BY THE DUMPSTER. THESE ARE THE SUBJECTS, BUT THEY ARE NOT THE TONE.

DAVID LYNCH’S WORK, IF IT HAS ONE RUNNING THEME, SEEMS TO BE CONCERNED WITH THE EXISTENCE OF DARKNESS JUST UNDER THE SURFACE OF “ORDINARY.” IN EXPLORING THIS THEME HIS WORK EITHER OUTRIGHT SHOWS THE SUDDEN INVASION OF THE MACABRE INTO TRADITIONAL WHOLESOME SETTINGS, OR HE PRESENTS OVERTLY-PRISTINE IMAGES THAT ARE TAINTED BY SOMETHING SEEMINGLY PERVERSE.

TO EXECUTE THIS SECOND OPTION, LYNCH TAKES GREAT CARE TO PROVIDE UNSETTLING FEELINGS AMIDST THE “ORDINARY” SUBJECTS HES’ SHOWING. HE’LL PUT STRANGE DRONES AND WHINES UNDER SCENES OF DAILY HOUSEWORK AND OUR SEEMINGLY MUNDANE SUBURBIA. HE’LL SHOW SOME CUTE PEOPLE ACTING OVERLY-NICE, BUT WITH CREEPY SOUND DESIGN THE WHOLE THING BECOMES SUPER-SUPER CREEPY. IT ALWAYS MANAGES TO SET UP THE REST OF THE MOVIE, WHICH WILL GO DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE INTO TRULY DARK PLACES. AND LYNCH ACCOMPLISHES THESE SIGNIFIER  JUST BY USING COUNTER-INTUITIVE SOUND DESIGN.

AGAIN, IT’S THE EXACT SAME PRINCIPAL: YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG EVEN YOU’RE NOT SEEING IT. WHEN THE POINT COMES AROUND WHERE LYNCH STARTS TO UNRAVEL YOU WITH HIS IMAGERY TOO, HIS MOVIES ENTER THIS BRILLIANT HEIGHTENED STATE OF FILMMAKING. FOR EXAMPLE, THE FIRST MOMENT IN BLUE VELVET,WHERE KYLE MCLAUGHLIN DISCOVERS THE FIRST HINT TO THE DARK UNDERBELLY AROUND HIM, IS PERFECT LYNCH. A TINY SLICE OF BODY HORROR COMBINED WITH A GREAT SOUND DESIGN CUE. IN THIS SCENE, NOTICE THE “WHINE” HE USES TO LINGER OVER THE SCENE AND RE-eNFORCE THAT EVEN THOUGH THE SUBJECT IS WRONG, THERE IS SOMETHING EVEN MORE WRONG BEYOND IT. CHECK IT OUT:

THE SOUND DESIGN SAYS EVERYTHING ABOUT THE TONE IN THIS SCENE (NOTE: HULK COULD HAVE PICKED WAY, WAY, WAY CREEPIER SCENES FROM LYNCH, BUT THIS MORE APPROPRIATE FOR GENERAL AUDIENCES).

GO AHEAD. JUST DARE ME TO HAUNT YOUR DREAMS.

LYNCH MATTERS BECAUSE IT SHOWS WHAT INTERESTING DEPTHS YOU CAN GO TO BY MESSING WITH THE SOUND IN YOUR MOVIE. YOU CAN CHANGE GENRES, YOU CAN IMBUE FEELINGS, BUT MOST OF ALL YOU CAN MAKE AN AUDIENCE FEEL TENSE.

SO IF YOU’RE MAKING AN ACTION MOVIE, DON’T FORGET THIS.

DON’T JUST SETTLE FOR MUSIC THAT PROPELS THE AUDIENCE THROUGH YOUR SCENE WITH RECKLESS ABANDON (JUST TO KEEP THEM PLACATED). USE YOUR SOUND DESIGN TO AMP UP TENSION (FOR EXAMPLE, SPIELBERG DOES THIS BEAUTIFULLY IN JURASSIC PARK). PLAY WITH THEIR EMOTIONS, USE HORROR BEATS AND CONCEPTS AS YOUR “SET UP” BEFORE YOU DELIVER THE ACTION GOODS. HOLD THE TENSION. IT WILL WORK SO MUCH BETTER IN TERMS OF DRAMA AND AMPLIFY YOUR CAUSE + EFFECT.

HOOOLLLLLLLDDDD!!!!!!!

SO… LET’S GO ONE STEP FURTHER AND ASK WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO COMBINE THE LESSONS OF TENSION AND SOUND DESIGN IN TO THE LARGER SENSE OF FILMMAKING? SPECIFICALLY, HOW DO WE TAKE THIS SHARP SOUND DESIGN AND ACHIEVE THE SAME RESULT WITH CINEMATOGRAPHY AND EDITING? AND THEN HOW MARRY THE TWO INTO SOMETHING THAT AMPLIFIES THE TONE? AND YET SO IT BOTH CLEARLY SHOWS THE ACTION AND YET STILL HEIGHTENS IT?

HULK ARGUE THE WAY TO ACHIEVE ALL OF THIS IS WITH “TAUT” FILMMAKING.

ADMITTEDLY HULK LOVE TAUT FILMMAKING. IT SHOWS PERFECT UNDERSTANDING OF CINEMATIC PRINCIPALS AND QUITE HONESTLY, IT JUST HULK’S FAVORITE KIND OF FILMMAKING TO WATCH. WHY? BECAUSE IT OFFERS THOSE OF US WHO DEEP-TISSUE ANALYZE A MOVIE AS PART OF OUR INDUSTRY, A CHANCE TO REALLY TRULY “FEEL” A MOVIE. IT IS PURE CINEMA. AND HULK KNOW THE WORD “TAUT” NOT THAT DESCRIPTIVE, BUT WHAT IT ESSENTIALLY MEAN THAT TENSION AND IMPACT RULE THE SCENE ABOVE ALL OTHER FACTORS.

TAUT FILMMAKING USUALLY FEATURE A LOCKED OFF, NON-MOVING CAMERA (STILL SHOTS). THE CAMERA WILL PREFER STAY ON SUBJECT AS TENSION BUILDS UP. IF IT USES TRACKING SHOTS THEY WILL BE DELIBERATE AND SLOW (THINK KUBRICK). THE MOMENTS OF ACTUAL ACTION WILL OFTEN BE QUICK, VISCERAL, AND GRAPHICALLY VIOLENT. IF THE ACTION SPREADS OUT AND THE CHARACTERS/SUBJECTS BECOME KINETIC THE CAMERA WILL STILL STAY LOCKED OFF, BUT THE EDITING WILL QUICKEN PACE TO REFLECT THE CHANGE IN MOVEMENT. IT WILL BE JARRING, BUT NOT DISORIENTING. IN GENERAL, TAUT FILMMAKING WILL NOT USE TWO SHOTS WHEN ONE WILL DO AND EVERYTHING IS VERY, VERY DELIBERATE.

NEED SOME EXAMPLES? THE HISTORY GOES BACK TO GERMAN EXPRESSIONISM IN THE 20’S, BUT YOU’LL SURELY RECOGNIZE IT IN HITCHCOCK OR ROBERT BRESSON (A MAN CONDEMNED TO DEATH ESCAPES(1956) (10D) IS ONE OF HULK’S FAVES!). THERE’S THE FRENCH CONNECTION, JAWS, THE CONVERSATION, DAS BOOT, ALL OF SCORSESE’S ACTION, AND PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING KUBRICK EVER DID. MORE RECENTLY WE HAVE MOVIES LIKE THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, HEAT, PAN’S LABYRINTH, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE (AND PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING CRONENBERG). EVEN TRUE-ART CHARACTER DRAMAS CAN COUNT LIKE KIESLOWSKI’S BLEU.

AND AS LOVER OF TAUT FILMMAKING HULK CAN NO WAIT SEE NICOLAS WINDING REFN’S DRIVE (COMING OUT THIS WEEK!). THE FOLLOWING CLIP IS FROM THE MOVIE YOU SIMPLY HAVE TO CHECK OUT. IT IS TREMENDOUS AND INCORPORATES EVERYTHING WE’VE TALK ABOUT SO FAR CONCERNING ACTION SCENES AND TAUT FILMMAKING: CAUSE + EFFECT, TENSION, STILLNESS.  IT CAN’T BE EMBEDDED, BUT SERIOUSLY, CLICK LINK AND WATCH IT:

http://www.festival-cannes.com/en/mediaPlayer/10934.html

… TENSE… EXHILARATING…. WOW.

THAT CLIP IS A PERFECT REPRESENTATION OF “TAUT” FILMMAKING. HULK BARELY FEELS LIKE HULK HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING! THAT WHAT COMPETANT FILMMAKING DOES, YOU JUST BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR IT AND HOW IT WORKS END UP HITTING YOU RIGHT IN THE DAMN BRAIN. THE MUSIC, THE STILLNESS OF THE SHOTS, THE TENSION, THE DELIBERATE MOVEMENTS. AND BEST OF ALL, THIS “TAUT” FILMMAKING AND ALL THE CINEMATICS THAT MAKE THE SCENE WORK ARE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING NEW.

HOW NOT NEW ARE THEY? LET’S REVISIT OUR GOOD OLE’ FRIEND WAGES OF FEAR (1953). THE FILM’S GROUNDWORK LAID IN THE FIRST HOUR WHERE THEY CREATE THE CHARACTER TENSION, WHICH SETS THE STAGE FOR SEVERAL CONFRONTATIONS. WATCH THIS GREAT SCENE BELOW OF SEVERAL CHARACTERS FIGHTING OVER THE PLAYING OF MUSIC IN A BAR. NOTICE THE SUPER-DELIBERATE BEHAVIOR OF THE CAMERA AND THE CARE WITH WHICH IT CONVEYS THE IMPORTANT INFORMATION:

NOTICE THE FILM’S INTENT ON CLARITY. SURE, THE AESTHETICS ARE NO LONGER IN CINEMATIC VOGUE (THE BLACK + WHITE, THE SQUARE ANGLES, THE LINGERING PACE), BUT HULK TALKING ABOUT INTENT.(10E) EVERY SHOT SO F-ING SPECIFIC. EVERYTHING DESIGNED TO ESTABLISH INFORMATION. AND SOON IT BUILDS. SOON IT SWELLS. FINALLY THERE IS A CONFRONTATION WITH PALPABLE TENSION. IT’S AN “OLDER” FILM, BUT THE FEELING AND TONE IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO UNDERSTAND. IT SECRETLY THE EXACT SAME PRINCIPALS OF THE DRIVE CLIP.

OKAY TIME TO SWITCH GEARS IN THIS TENSION/SOUND DESIGN/TAUT DISCUSSION AND BRING UP ONE MORE WAY IN WHICH YOU CAN DIRECTLY EFFECT ACTION IN TERMS OF TONE:

DIALOGUE

NOW YOU MAY HAVE ALSO NOTICED SOMETHING ABOUT THE MOVEMENT OF THAT LAST SCENE FROM WAGES OF FEAR AND THE FOCUS OF THE DIALOGUE… IT MAY HAVE REMINDED YOU OF SOMEONE… THERE WAS ONE SHOT IN PARTICULAR THAT RINGS TRUE OF A FAMOUS DIRECTOR… HULK IS TALKING ABOUT THE SLOW TRACKING SHOT OF THE FEET WALKING TOWARD THE TABLE…. ANY GUESSES?

SO THE PERSON IT MAY HAVE REMINDED YOU OF IS ONE QUENTIN TARANTINO.

TARANTINO HAS TALKED EXTENSIVELY ABOUT THE INFLUENCE OF WAGES OF FEAR(11) AND PARTICULARLY THE DIRECT EFFECT ON HIS NOW FAMOUS BAR-ROOM SCENE FROM INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS. THE SIMILARITIES SHOULD BE OBVIOUS: THE SETTING. THE MUSIC. THE TENSION. THE DRUNKENNESS. THE DIFFERENT WANTS OF THE CHARACTERS AT ODDS. AGAIN, THE BASTERDS SCENE IS VERY MUCH IT’S OWN UNIQUE THING AND HAS SPECTACULAR VITALITY, BUT TARANTINO IS ALWAYS SMART ENOUGH TO RECOGNIZE THE LESSONS FROM GREAT FILMS.

CHIEFLY, THAT WORDS CAN BE YOUR BEST WEAPON.

PICTURED: AGREEMENT

YES DEAR READERS, EVEN DIALOGUE CAN HELP ESTABLISH TONE AND SUSPENSE IF YOU USE IT IN THE EXACT SAME WAY AS ACTION.

IT REALLY IS NO ACCIDENT THAT TARANTINO HAS MADE HIS CAREER OF BUILDING TENSION WITH DIALOGUE. THINK ABOUT IT: MR. ORANGE TELLING THE BATHROOM DRUG STORY IN RESERVOIR DOGS. THE EZEKIEL SPEECH FROM PULP FICTION. THE SUPERMAN ANALOGY IN KILL BILL. AND PRETTY MUCH THE ENTIRETY OF INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (LANDA’S JEW-HUNTER SPEECH, THE CREAM-DESSERT IN THE CAFE, THE INTERROGATION ABOUT MOUNTAIN CLIMBING). NOTICE THE KEY ELEMENT OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE “SPEECH” SCENES IS THAT ONE PERSON IS ESSENTIALLY HOLDING A SECRET FROM THE OTHERS, AND FROM THERE THE OTHER CHARACTERS ARE PLAYING WITH FACT THEY MIGHT KNOW. SERIOUSLY, THAT ONE SINGULAR DEVICE IS AT PLAY IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE SCENES.

AT AS A RESULT, THOSE SCENES ARE TENSE AS ALL FUCKING HELL.

YES, MOST OF US ARE NOT WIZARDS OF DIALOGUE LIKE TARANTINO, BUT HE IS REALLY JUST USING A BASIC SINGULAR DEVICE (ONE THAT HITCHCOCK USED A LOT TOO) AND THEN PLAYS AROUND WITH THE DIALOGUE TO TWIST AND TURN THE AUDIENCE EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. SO NEVER, EVER FORGET THAT THE BASIC PRINCIPALS ARE THE SAME. NEVER BE AFRAID TO HAVE YOUR CHARACTERS IN THE SERVICE OF TENSION (WHILE KEEPING IN MIND A FOCUS ON ECONOMY). PLAY WITH THE AUDIENCES EXPECTATION AND HAVE CHARACTERS PLAY WITH EMOTIONS OF OTHERS. IT WILL THEN PLAY/FUCK WITH THE AUDIENCE.

AND IF YOU USE IT RIGHT, LIKE IN TARANTINO’S BAR ROOM SCENE, THEN THE GREAT DIALOGUE SET UP CAN EXPLODE IN WONDERFUL MOMENT OF CHAOTIC-ALL-HELL-BREAKS-LOOSE ACTION:

NOTICE THAT THE BRIEF MOMENT OF ACTION HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CAUSE + EFFECT, NO TANGIBLE OBJECTIVES, NO CLEAR GEOGRAPHY, AND RESEMBLES UTTER FREAKING CHAOS, AND IT IS SO TOTALLY OKAY.

AND THAT’S BECAUSE THE AMAZING SCENE OF DIALOGUE THAT COMES BEFORE SETS UP THE CHAOTIC DELIVERY OF THIS BRIEF SCENE EVER SO CAREFULLY. IT IS ONE “EFFECT.” THE BRIEF CHAOS ENTHRALLS US BECAUSE WE CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THE CHARACTERS BY THIS POINT OF THE SET UP (TESTAMENT TO TARANTINO, WE WERE INTRODUCED TO MOST OF THESE GUYS AT, LIKE, THE BEGINNING OF THE SCENE). REALLY THE SCENE WORKS BEAUTIFULLY AS ONE MOMENT OF CHAOS.

AND DON’T DARE FOR ONE SECOND ASSUME THAT IT’S BECAUSE TARANTINO DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO “STAGE” ACTION BECAUSE KILL BILL PROVED THAT BEYOND ANY KIND OF DOUBT. (11B) SPECIFICALLY WITH THE VERY LAST SCENE WITH BILL, WHICH WORKS IN A VERY, VERY SIMILAR MOMENT ENDING WITH A BRIEF EXPLOSION OF (WELL-CHOREOGRAPHED) VIOLENCE.

REMEMBER, WE MAY NOT GENIUSES, BUT WE CAN USE THE PRINCIPALS AT WORK HERE.

SO ONCE AGAIN, LET’S RETURN TO ATTACK THE BLOCK – TONE IS ONE OF THE MOST CRITICAL ASPECTS OF HOW THE ACTION WORKS IN THAT FILM, BECAUSE UNLIKE MOST HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTERS, THEY HAD TO DEAL WITH LOW-BUDGET CONSTRAINTS AND AN INTIMATE SCALE,.SO IN ORDER MAKE EACH SCENE FEEL DIFFERENT THEY CHANGED THE TONE AND LANGUAGE OF EACH SCENE: THE ATTACK ON THE AMBULANCE USE HORROR LANGUAGE AND MUSIC CUES. THE ESCAPE ON THE BIKES USE CHASE LANGUAGE AND PROPULSIVE MUSICE. THE FIRST ATTACK IN THE APARTMENT USE FIGHT SCENE LANGUAGE (MOSES’S “NINJA” MOMENT). THE  SECOND ATTACK STARTS OFF WITH THE SAME FIGHT SCENE LANGUAGE AND THEN ABRUPTLY INVERTS IT WHEN THINGS START GOING WRONG. THEN THE SCENE OF TRYING TO GET TO RON’S WEED ROOM TURNS THE TONE BACK TO HORROR, BUT THIS TIME WITH EFFECTIVE STAPLE WITH THE “CHARACTERS BEING LOST IN THE FOG WHERE THE UNSEEN INSPIRE DREAD” THING AND USING EERIE “ATMOSPHERE” SOUND CUES. THEN THE LAST ACTION SCENE, WHILE BEING A BIT MORE STYLISTIC, STILL SUPER-CLEAR WITH THE OBJECTIVES/STAKES AND USES THE SLO-MO AND GREAT MUSIC TO RAM HOME EMOTION. PLUS THEY INCORPORATE OUR MAJOR CHARACTER MOMENTS. TO REITERATE, THE ENTIRE FILM HAVE ALL ACTION SCENES TAKING PLACE IN AND AROUND THE SAME APARTMENT BUILDING AND YET THEY ALL FEEL UNIQUE BECAUSE THEY SMART ENOUGH TO ESTABLISH DIFFERENT TONES.

TOM: Thanks! And just to mention, the biggest struggle on ATB was generating a sense/feeling of dangerous kinetics with fairly low speed travel. But then again it’s not like we could go too far in the other direction. Try this one on for size:

YOU’VE SUCCESSFULLY BROUGHT TARKOVSKY INTO A CONVERSATION ABOUT ACTION FILMS! CONGRATS!

TOM: Thank you. It’s one long shot and wouldn’t at first seem to be ‘action’ in any usual sense but I defy anyone to watch that scene and not feel an unbearable level of tension by the end.  Even if one doesn’t have foreknowledge of what the task is that the character has set themselves (or its wider implication in the narrative) all the right elements are there, just presented in an unconventional fashion.  One could argue that the scene is an exercise in frustrating a viewer more used to a different pace of visual story telling, or just dismiss it as an academic attempt to try the patience of anyone. But by exploring ‘real time’, rather than abbreviating it with edits, the net result is surprisingly the same.  I’ve no idea where this might shore up any of your arguments as it would seem to contradict them on a surface level but it’s always fascinated me that something so painfully slow and drawn out can become exhilarating.

REAL TIME INDEED. WHAT DID TARKOVSKY CALL FILMMAKING AFTER ALL? SCULPTING IN TIME. BUT ENOUGH TARKOVSKY.

LET’S MOVE ON AND PUT THIS SHIT ALL TOGETHER!

PART 5 – PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

THIS PART FIVE IS GOING TO BE VERY SHORT. THAT BECAUSE HULK GOING TO SHOW A CLIP THAT, WELL, PRETTY MUCH SHOWS AND EXPLAINS HOW TO DO EVERYTHING WE’VE TALKED ABOUT SO FAR.

“RECENTNESS” BE DAMNED, HULK ARGUE THE BEST ACTION SCENE EVER IS IN NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN.

HOPEFULLY YOU SEEN IT BEFORE. IF NOT, HERE’S ALL THE BACKGROUND YOU NEED: A CHARACTER NAMED LLEWELEN MOSS STUMBLED ONTO THE CARNAGE OF A DRUG DEAL GONE WRONG. HE TAKES THE MONEY LEFT AT THE SCENE AND RUNS. THE UNSEEN DRUG BOSSES THEN SEND THEIR BEST HITMAN, ANTON CHIGURGH, TO FIND AND KILL MOSS AND GET THE MONEY BACK. AND UNFORTUNATELY FOR MOSS, ANTON CHIRGUGH IS BASICALLY THE ANGEL OF DEATH PERSONIFIED. AT THIS MOMENT ANTON HAS BEEN TAILING LLEWELEN FOR BIT AND HAS FINALLY CAUGHT UP TO HIM:

FUCKING.. A.

THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING WE TALKED ABOUT. CAUSE + EFFECT. SET-UP/PAY OFF. SHOWING LOCATIONS TO USE AGAIN (WHEN IT COMES BACK AROUND FOR THE DEAD HOTEL CLERK). THE LOCKED-OFF CAMERA. THE ALTERNATING TONE OF STILLNESS, ANTICIPATION, AND ACTION.

WHAT IS PERHAPS MOST AMAZING ABOUT THE SCENE IS THE WAY THEY EDIT IT MAKE IT FEEL IMPOSSIBLY KINETIC. THEY DO THIS BY CUTTING TO ANOTHER TENSE SHOT THAT MAKES PERFECT LOGICAL SENSE, INSTEAD OF JUST MOVING THE CAMERA RAPIDLY. BEST OF ALL, EVERY SINGLE TIME AN ACTION OR BEAT IS ABOUT TO REGISTER TO THE AUDIENCE, THAT ACTION (USUALLY A GUNSHOT) HITS THE EXACT BEAT .01 SECONDS BEFORE OUR MIND DOES, THUS GIVING EVERY SINGLE MOMENT TRUE VISCERAL IMPACT (WHILE STILL GIVING ENOUGH SET-UP FOR US TO UNDERSTAND).

IT IS A MASTERCLASS.

REALLY. HULK NOT SURE YOU TRULY UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO GET THAT KIND OF PERFECT TIMING AND PACING IN AN ACTION SCENE. TO BE ON SET AND TO PERFECTLY UNDERSTAND HOW TO TIME THINGS WITH YOUR ACTORS AND CREW. AND THEN TO GET IT TO TRANSLATE ON FILM SO THAT IT CAN BE PERFECTLY CUT IN THE EDITING ROOM… IT LIKE… HULK MEAN… THEY JUST…  GOOD GOD.

BUT JUST LIKE TARANTINO’S DIALOGUE, LET’S BE HONEST. THE REST OF US ARE NOT THE COEN BROTHERS. WE JUST HUMAN… AND THEY CLEARLY NOT.

BUT WE CAN CERTAINLY ASPIRE TO BE LIKE THEM.

PICTURED: MAYBE THE BEST SEMIOTICS MOVIE OF ALL TIME

SO THERE WE HAVE IT! DAY 2 IN THE BOOKS!

HULK & TOM HOPE YOU ENJOYED AND FOUND IT INFORMATIVE AS DAY ONE.

TOMORROW WE TACKLE PARTS 6, 7, 8, AND 9 TO FINISH OF THE SERIES. SINCE TODAY WE COVERED HOW TO “EXECUTE” SCENES IN IDEAL FASHION, TOMORROW WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT EXCEPTIONS THAT CAN WORK, THE IMPETUS AND PROBLEMS OF “STYLIZATION,” THE CRIPPLING PROBLEMS OF PRODUCTION LOGISTICS, AND ALL THE PRACTICAL ADVICE WE CAN GIVE TO YOUNG FILMMAKERS. IN DOING SO WE’LL COVER MURDER’S ROW OF: GREENGRASS, SPEILBERG (AGAIN) MICHAEL BAY, ZACH SNYDER, CHRIS NOLAN, EDGAR WRIGHT, PETER JACKSON, AND YOUR MOM.

❤ HULK & TOM

ENDNOTES!

(9C) HECK, HULK SAW A MOVIE THAT BROKE THE 180 LINE THE OTHER DAY WITHOUT ESTABLISHING NEW GEOGRAPHY… OH YEAH, THAT WAS MOST MOVIES.

(9D) JAQUES TATI?

(10A) THIS IS NOT TO IMPLY HULK DOESN’T LIKE THOSE ACTORS. HULK ACTUALLY LOVE THOSE ACTORS. BUT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO CONCEIVABLE REASON THAT THEY SHOULD BE THE PRINCIPALS IN A BETTER FIGHT SCENE THAN WILL SMITH OR VIN DIESEL… IT SHOWS THAT SOMETHING ROTTEN IN THE STATE OF ACTION FILMMAKING.

(10B) HULK’S MAIN ARGUMENT THIS: IN HIGH SCHOOL HULK AND A FRIEND MADE KUNG FU FILM FOR FILM PROGRAM. SOME OF THE ACTION IN IT LEGITIMATELY BETTER THAN SOME HOLLYWOOD MOVIES THAT POPULAR AT TIME. THIS NOT TO IMPLY WE AWESOME, WE JUST SEMI-CAPABLE KUNG FU PEOPLE. WHICH MEANS THAT HOLLYWOOD’S STANDARD TREATMENT OF TWO GUYS FIGHTING EACH OTHER IS PRETTY MUCH SHIT…. AND YES YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT. THE 12 FOOT BIG GIANT GREEN HULK KNOWS KUNG FU… SO WATCH YOUR ASS.

(10C) OKAY. SO IF YOU EVER WANT TO KNOW HOW DIFFERENT ASIAN CINEMA IS FROM AMERICAN CINEMA AT THE TIME OF JACKIE’S RISE TO PROMINENCE, SEE THE PROTECTOR (1985). IT IS AN ATTEMPT TO INJECT JACKIE INTO THE TYPICAL 80’S SLEAZY ACTION MOVIE. IT IS THE WORST KIND OF HORRIBLE. THEY TRIED TO TURN JACKIE INTO THE STOIC, SUNGLASSES-WEARING BADASS AND DEFIES EVERY POSSIBLE ATTEMPT FOR HIM TO DO SOMETHING PHYSICALLY INTERESTING. HE SPENDS THE ENTIRE MOVIE DRIVING AROUND WITH DANNY AIELLO AND FEATURES THOSE AWFUL 80’S GUNFIGHTS. IT IS ONE OF HULK’S LEAST FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME BECAUSE IT IS THAT SPECIAL BRAND OF CLUELESS.

(10D) IT ALSO KNOWN AS “A MAN ESCAPED” BUT BRESSON ALWAYS WANTED THE FULL-TITLE SO HULK GOING WITH HIM.

(10E) LET’S HAVE THE QUICKEST POSSIBLE CONVERSATION ABOUT “OLD” MOVIES. THE IDEA THAT OLD MOVIES ARE “SLOW” AND “BAD” IS BOTH 1) A WHOLLY UNDERSTANDABLE IMPULSE TO A NEW VIEWER AND YET 2) QUITE POSSIBLY THE DUMBEST POSSIBLE THING ONE COULD EVER SAY. SO DON’T. WATCHING AN OLD MOVIE IS TO GO BACK AND TRANSLATE WHAT THEY WERE DOING INTO THE CINEMATIC LINGUISTICS OF THE TIME AND RECOGNIZE WHAT THEY AFFECTED THE CONTEXT OF FILM HISTORY. IT IS TO UNDERSTAND CINEMA’S UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE. SURE SOME MOVIES “WORK” BETTER IN TERMS OF DATING, BUT TO OUTRIGHT INFER THEY WERE ‘BAD” MOVIES SIMPLY BECAUSE OF DIFFERENT HISTORICAL STYLIZATIONS IS AKIN TO WALKING UP TO WALKING RIGHT UP TO HANK AARON AND SAYING HE DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO HIT HOME RUNS.

(11) UGH… THIS THE SORT OF THING HULK WOULD NORMALLY BACK UP BUT HULK CAN NOT FIND THE CLIP OR ANY WRITTEN REFERENCE TO IT. THIS LACK OF SUPPORT WOULD TRADITIONALLY REQUIRE THAT HULK OMIT THE DETAIL, BUT THIS ISN’T A 100% ACADEMIC SETTING AND TO PUT IT MORE SIMPLY: HULK DON’T WANNA. SO WE’RE GOING WITH HULK’S MEMORY ON THIS ONE… AND IF HULK’S BEING HONEST HULK’S MEMORY PRETTY DAMN GOOD.

(11B) TARANTINO FAMOUSLY BURNED ABOUT 1 MILLION FEET OF FILM ON THAT MOVIE, MOST OF WHICH WAS UNUSED BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO “SHOOT” ACTION FIRST.

HULK EXPLAIN ACTION SCENES! WITH SPECIAL GUEST TOM TOWNEND! – DAY 1 OF 3

WHAT MAKES AN ACTION SCENE GOOD?

IT’S RATHER PERTINENT QUESTION NOWADAYS. IT SEEMS ACTION SCENES ARE A COMPONENT OF EVERY KIND OF POPULAR MOVIE. AND WE BUILD HIGH-STAKES SUMMER TENT-POLE MOVIES AROUND NOTHING MORE THAN A VAGUE CONCEPT AND THEN TREAT THE SET-PIECES LIKE THEY’RE ONLY THING THAT MATTER.

FOR SOME REASON, WE CONTINUE TO BELIEVE THIS IS “THE WAY” TO DO THINGS DESPITE THE FACT THAT RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES CURRENTLY HIGHLIGHTING THE FACT THAT A GOOD STORY WELL-TOLD IS THE THING THAT TRULY RESONATES WITH AUDIENCES. BUT BECAUSE ACTION SCENES DOMINATE THE BOTH THE INCEPTION AND PRODUCTION OF FILMMAKING, HULK WORRIES THAT THE EFFECTS NOW TOO DEEPLY-ROOTED IN THE FOUNDATION OF MOVIE CULTURE. MEANING HULK THINKS OF ALL THE THOUSANDS OF YOUNG KIDS WHO ARE TOTALLY INTO MOVIES AND TRYING TO REPLICATE THEIR FAVORITE ACTION SCENES AT HOME. WHAT ARE THEY TAKING AWAY FROM WHAT THEY’RE SEEING? CHANCES ARE IT’S NOT THE GOOD THINGS.

THIS PROBLEM RAISES A REALLY GOOD QUESTION: IF ACTION IS SO IMPORTANT AND INGRAINED INTO OUR CONSCIOUSNESS… WHY AREN’T ACTION SCENES BETTER? (i)

IT’S SURELY NOT A QUESTION OF RESOURCES. TODAY’S MOVIES HAVE EXORBITANT BUDGETS. INCREDIBLE PRODUCTION TOOLS. ARMIES OF CGI MAGICIANS. EVERYTHING AT THEIR DISPOSAL… SO WHAT’S MISSING HERE? HOW ARE THESE OH-SO-CRITICAL ACTION SET-PIECES NOT WORKING BETTER? ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE THE ONLY THING WE SUPPOSEDLY CARE ABOUT?

HULK THINK THERE A SIMPLE ANSWER:  MOST PEOPLE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO UNDERSTANDING OF HOW BASIC ACTION WORKS ON SCREEN.

LET’S START ON A CULTURAL LEVEL. HULK GOING TO ASK YOU TO THINK OF THE WORD MOST OFTEN USED BY PEOPLE TO DESCRIBE GOOD ACTION. GOT ONE? WHILE THERE LIKELY NO SINGULAR ANSWER, HULK ARGUE THE MOST POPULAR WORD USED WOULD BE “COOL.”

HULK FIND THAT WORD VERY TELLING. FOR ONE, THE MEANING OF THE WORD ACTUALLY SUPER-VAGUE. THIS IS PARTIALLY BECAUSE “COOL” IS THE DEFAULT, LONG-RUNNING ADOLESCENT-NONSENSE WORD. BUT EVEN IF IT’S VAGUE EVERYONE KNOW WHAT AT LEAST MEANT BY IT. MORE SIGNIFICANTLY, HOWEVER, IS THE FACT THAT COOLNESS IS SOMETHING THAT IS INHERENTLY EVASIVE. MARKETING EXECUTIVES SPEND MILLIONS EVERY YEAR TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT’S “COOL” AND SO THE VERY  IDEA THAT ONE CAN TRY CAPITALIZE ON IT AND SHOWCASE WITH ACTION IS LIKE TRYING TO BOTTLE LIGHTNING. REMEMBER, COOL CAN ONLY BE AN ABSTRACT CONCEPT, NOTHING MORE THAN A VIBE. WORSE, IT WHOLLY DEPENDS ON THE VIEWER’S TASTE.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS BAD WORD CHOICE IS THAT DETERMINING WHAT’S “COOL” IS NOT AN EMOTIONAL REACTION, BUT A CEREBRAL ONE.  EVEN IF IT’S LARGELY SUBCONSCIOUS, CALLING SOMETHING COOL IS MORE OF AN EVALUATION THAN A REACTION. IN ORDER FOR SOMETHING TO BE COOL IT HAVE TO IMPLIES THAT ONE HAS TO UNENGAGED, DISCONNECTED, AND DETACHED.

… AND THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT IN A MOVIE.

YOU WANT BE ENGAGED. CONNECTED. ATTACHED.

ENTHRALLED.

WHICH MEANS ACTION SHOULD NEVER SOLELY BE COOL. AND IT SHOULD NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES JUST BE THOUGHT OF AS JUST A BUNCH OF COOL SHIT HAPPENING ON SCREEN. THE BELIEF IN SUCH A THING SHOULD BE CONSIDERED A VIAL MYTH. MUCH LIKE HULK’S HATRED OF 3 ACT STRUCTURE, THE MAIN PROBLEM OF CALLING THINGS COOL STEMS FROM  THE FACT THAT OUR CULTURAL USE OF THE WORD NOT INSTRUCTIONAL OR DESCRIPTIVE ENOUGH WAY TO CATEGORIZE HOW ACTION WORKS. AND SINCE WE CANNOT DESCRIBE IT RIGHT, PEOPLE TAKE AWAY THE WRONG LESSONS.

PICTURED: WRONGNESS

SO WHAT MAKES ACTION WORK?

THE BEST PHRASE TO NARROW IT DOWN = AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION.

THE AUDIENCE DOES NOT SIMPLY “WATCH” ACTION. EVERY SINGLE BEAT SHOULD IDEALLY WORK AS A 4 PART PROCESS: AN AUDIENCE MUST FIRST ANTICIPATE THE ACTION, THEN THE AUDIENCE MUST UNDERSTAND THE ACTION (WHAT THEY ACTUALLY SEEING), THEN THE AUDIENCE MUST FEEL THE ACTION, AND ULTIMATELY REACT TO THE ACTION. AND WHEN YOU DO THAT? THE ACTION BEAT WILL WORK LIKE FREAKIN’ GANGBUSTERS.(1)

NOW, HOW ACTUALLY DO THAT? ONE CAN ACHIEVE THAT KIND OF REACTION BY STICKING TO FEW BASIC TENETS OF ACTION: “CAUSE AND EFFECT“, “HAVING OBJECTIVES“, “UNDERSTANDING GEOGRAPHY“, AND “TONE AND SUSPENSE.” AFTER THAT IT ABOUT “PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER“, “UNDERSTANDING WHEN AND HOW TO GO AGAINST THE RULES“, KNOWING “PRODUCTION LOGISTICS“, AND ULTIMATELY “NOT BEING MICHAEL BAY” (YES THAT GET’S IT’S OWN PART).

SO RIGHT NOW, HULK GOING TO START DIVING INTO EXPLAINING ALL THOSE TENETS USING ALL OF HULK’S FAVORITE ACTION SCENES, WHICH EXEMPLIFY HOW THOSE CONCEPTS WORK.

HULK PRESENTING THIS ESSAY IN A NINE-PART, 70 PAGE, 20,000 WORD EVALUATION OF HOW ACTION WORKS, BUT DON’T WORRY THOUGH! TODAY’S “DAY ONE” COLUMN WILL JUST COVER THE FIRST TWO TENETS (CAUSE + EFFECT AND OBJECTIVES) AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY. YES, IT’S TRUE! HULK ACTUALLY BREAKING UP ONE OF HULK’S HULK-SIZED COLUMNS! IT WILL BE BETTER FOR YOUR PUNY HUMAN-SIZED EYEBALLS.

BUT THE BEST PART OF THIS IS HULK NOT GOING DOING IT ALONE!

HULK HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST FOR YA’LL AND HE KNOWS ABOUT THIS STUFF WAY, WAY MORE THAN HULK DOES.  SO EVERYONE PLEASE WELCOME MR. PRARIE OYSTERS HIMSELF, TOM TOWNEND!

SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW ALREADY KNOW HIM, BUT IF NOT, YOU MAY INDEED KNOW HIS WORK. FOR STARTERS HE THE FREAKIN’ CINEMATOGRAPHER OF ATTACK THE BLOCK AS WELL AS SEVERAL DOCUMENTARIES, TV SHOWS, AND SHORTS. HE’S ALSO WORKED AS A CAMERA OPERATOR AND SECOND UNIT D.P.  FOR DOZENS OF AMAZING PROJECTS, SUCH AS 28 DAYS LATER, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE, MILLIONS, PROOF, HARRY BROWN, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN AND ALL OF LYNN RAMSAY’S FILMS TO BOOT. THE RANGE OF GENRE HERE STAGGERING, AND IF YOU EVER SEEN ANY OF THOSE MOVIES THE YOU’VE SEEN EXCELLENT CINEMATOGRAPHY AND A SURE-HANDED DEMONSTRATION AND THOROUGH UNDERSTANDING OF TONE.

HE ALSO SHOT THIS RECENT AWARD-WINNING VIDEO… YOU KNOW… THE CRAZY-UBER-FAMOUS ONE:

THE VAST MAJORITY OF WHAT APPEARS IN THIS ARTICLE WAS BORN OUT OF OUR DISCUSSIONS AND HULK ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTED TO HAVE HIS CONTRIBUTIONS.(2)

YOU WILL BE TOO.

TOM: I had no idea I was going to be popping up as some sort of Jiminy Cricket character.

HULK LAUGH. THIS REALLY GOING BE A LOT OF FUN AND HULK ACTUALLY REALLY HAPPY WITH HOW INFORMATIVE AND INSTRUCTIONAL THIS PIECE HAS COME OUT.  SO MANY OF THESE HULK COLUMNS ABOUT HOW MUCH CERTAIN THINGS SUCK, SO IT NICE TO BE WRITING SOMETHING ABOUT HOW STUFF WORKS AND HOW TO DO BETTER.

HULK & TOM CERTAINLY REALIZED/LEARNED A LOT WHILE WRITING IT, SO WE HOPE YOU DO TOO.

SO NOW THEN …

PART 1 – CAUSE + EFFECT: ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER

SO THIS ENTIRE ARTICLE ACTUALLY INSPIRED BY HULK’S RECENT VIEWING OF CAPTAIN AMERICA.

WHILE HULK LOVED THE MOVIE FOR WHOLE BUNCH OF REASONS, HULK THOUGHT THE ACTION ALTERNATED BETWEEN MOMENTS OF GENUINE FUN, BEING SERVICEABLE, AND A BUNCH OF SOMEWHAT-LACKING MOMENTS. STUDIO HEADS MAY BE AGHAST TO LEARN THEIR PRECIOUS SET-PIECES NOTHING COMPARED TO THE MOVIE’S WELL-WRITTEN CENTRAL RELATIONSHIPS, BUT PERHAPS IT A LESSON THEY SHOULD TAKE HEED FROM. BUT IN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY CERTAIN SCENES WORK AND OTHERS DO NOT, IT THE PERFECT MOVIE TO ANALYZE, EVEN IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT. IN FACT, THE LACK OF CLIPS ALLOWS US TO TALK ABOUT THE ACTION AND ESTABLISH A LANGUAGE TO USE THAT WILL BE VERY IMPORTANT GOING FORWARD. AND DON’T WORRY BECAUSE WE’LL HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH CLIPS AND VISUAL AIDS TO EXPLAIN THINGS LATER ANYWAY.

BUT REALLY, CAPTAIN AMERICA IS THE BEST MOVIE TO USE BECAUSE IT’S PROBLEMS/SUCCESS ARE DEPENDENT ON THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF ACTION: CAUSE + EFFECT.

TOM: Hulk, you set this one up for now, I’ll come back once we get to that guy with the whip.

SOUNDS GOOD.

LET’S START WITH ONE OF THE MOST BASIC PROBLEMS OF THE ACTION IN CAPTAIN AMERICA: THERE ARE A LARGE NUMBER OF ACTION BEATS (BEATS MEANING MOMENTS/SHORT SEQUENCES) THAT SEEM TO OPERATE WITHOUT STORY CONTEXT. IN CASE IT’S NOT OBVIOUS, PROVIDING CONTEXT IS CRITICAL TO ACTION. THE MOST OBVIOUS SANS-CONTEXT SCENE INVOLVES AN EXTENDED MONTAGE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE WHERE CAP AND HIS BUDDIES ESSENTIALLY SWEEPING THROUGH THE RANKS OF HYDRA FACTORIES. NOW HULK UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE: GOOD GUYS TAKING DOWN BAD GUYS. AND WE ALSO UNDERSTAND THE IMPETUS TO CONDENSE THE INFORMATION/SCALE INTO MONTAGE (IN TERMS OF NARRATIVE IT’S DEFINITELY THE RIGHT CALL), BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT’S HANDLED WELL IN TERMS OF EXECUTION. IN ALL HONESTLY, HULK THOUGHT IT ACTUALLY MOST BORING SCENE IN MOVIE. WHY? BECAUSE THE BEATS THEMSELVES HAVE NO SEQUENCING OR CONTEXT AND SADLY, THEY ARE MOSTLY IMAGE-BASED, MEANING THEIR SOLE GOAL IS TO STRIVE FOR “COOL.”

FOR EXAMPLE, SEVERAL OF THE QUICK IMAGES THE MONTAGE DISPLAYS ARE: CAP BURSTING IN SHIELD-FIRST AND FIRING A HANDGUN. CAP LEAPS AND HANGS ON TO A CHAIN. CAP JUMPS OFF A GIANT TANK AS IT EXPLODES BEHIND HIM… THEY ALL GREAT IMAGES BUT SINCE THE PROBLEM IS THAT THEY GO ON JUST LONG ENOUGH TO TREATED AS LIVING, BREATHING “BEATS” AND NOT JUST A SUCCESSION OF IMAGES, IT MAKES THINGS PROBLEMATIC. THEY END UP FEELING LIKE INTROS/CLIMAXES TO SOMETHING WITH NO BUILDUP. WHY? BECAUSE THEY’RE LONG ENOUGH TO DEMAND CONTEXT YET OFFER NO CONTEXT.

IN THE SAME SEQUENCE THERE’S SHOT WHERE THE FRENCH GUY LIES DOWN AS A TANK DRIVES OVER HIM AND HE STRAPS A BOMB TO IT. AGAIN, IT’S COOL, BUT IS WEIGHTLESS BECAUSE THERE IS NO CONTEXT. AND THE MONTAGE’S MOST EGREGIOUS SCENE OCCURS WHEN CAP STRIDES ATOP A TANK MAKES SOME WEIRD, CONFUSING MOTION AS SOME OTHER GUY SUDDENLY COMES BY AND THROWS GRENADES UP AND CAP THEN AWKWARDLY DUMPS THEM IN.  THE SCENE NOT ONLY CLUNKY, BUT EVERYTHING IS ALREADY HAPPENING A STEP BEFORE THE AUDIENCE CAN REGISTER WHAT THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE PROCESSING. THERE IS NO LOGIC. IT IS NOT ONLY CONFUSING, BUT IT REMOVES THE DRAMA FROM EVERYTHING. THERE’S NO STORY. IT SIMPLY COOL SHIT HAPPENING ON SCREEN.

IT NOT COMPELLING AND, YES, EVEN MONTAGES HAVE BE COMPELLING.

TO BE FAIR, MOST OF THE OTHER SCENES IN CAP NOT NEARLY AS DETACHED AS THIS SEQUENCE, BUT THEY STILL FEATURE LOTS OF SAME PROBLEMS. THEY FOCUS ON COOL/IMAGERY AND UNINTENTIONALLY RENDER THE A LOT OF ACTUAL ACTION BEATS BORING. SOMETIMES IT SI BECAUSE THERE NO CONTEXT AND SOMETIMES IT IS BECAUSE THERE AREBASIC FAILURES IN LOGIC…

NEAT, BUT WHY THEY NOT JUST BURNING HIM? HE RIGHT THERE.

SO WHEN AND HOW DOES CAPTAIN AMERICA DO ACTION RIGHT? WELL, THE BEST ACTION BEAT IN THE FILM IS ACTUALLY VERY, VERY  SIMPLE.

THEY INTRODUCE A SITUATION WHERE CAP AND BUCKY (HIS FELLOW SOLDIER) ARE SEPARATED BETWEEN TWO TRAIN CARS. CAP IS IN THE FRONT CAR FIGHTING ONE BIG BAD HYDRA GUY AND BUCKY IS IN THE HIND-CAR SHOOTING THE OTHER BAD GUYS. THEN BUCKY RUNS OUT OF BULLETS AND THERE’S STILL ONE LAST HYDRA BAD GUY  STALKING HIM FROM BEHIND A SHELF. CAP TAKES CARE OF HIS BIG GUY IN THE FRONT CAR AND COMES BACK TO BUCKY’S CAR AND SEES THE SITUATION AT HAND. CAP THEN LOOKS UP AND SEES A SHELF IN BETWEEN HIM AND HYDRA BAD GUY. THEN, IN A SERIES OF QUICK BUT DELIBERATE MOVEMENTS: CAP OPEN THE DOOR, THROWS BUCKY HIS GUN, THEN RUNS FORWARD AND PUSHES A BEAM ON THE SHELF FORWARD. THE BEAM KNOCKS THE HYDRA SOLDIER BACKWARD, RIGHT INTO VIEW OF BUCKY, WHO IMMEDIATELY SHOOTS HIM. BING. BANG. BOOM. BAD GUY TAKEN CARE OF AND IT TOTALLY THE BEST ACTION “BEAT” IN THE MOVIE.

IT’S COMPELLING. IT’S FUN. IT’S THRILLING.

IT’S A LITTLE STORY.

OBVIOUSLY, THERE ARE OTHER ELEMENTS THAT HELP EXECUTE THE BEAT (GREAT TIMING, ANGLES, ETC), BUT THING THAT MAKE IT SO STRONG THAT A PERFECTLY UTILIZES WHAT WE CALL “CAUSE + EFFECT.”

IF ACTION IS NOTHING MORE THAN THE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF CONFLICT THEN IT MUST UTILIZE THE SAME RULES AS DRAMATIC CONFLICT, MEANING ONE MUST ESTABLISH A CREDIBLE THREAT. THE ACTION BEAT DESCRIBED ABOVE CREATES A FAMILIAR, EVEN CLICHE SITUATION OF CONFLICT (“OH NOES, I AM OUT OF BULLETS!”), BUT IT IS STILL ONE THAT PERFECTLY ESTABLISHES A REAL THREAT: BUCKY IS CORNERED AND HE HAS NO WAY OF DEFENDING HIMSELF. IT GIVES URGENCY TO CAP WHO IS USUALLY JUST THE “INFALLIBLE HERO” AND NOW PUTS HIM IN WHAT WE CALL DANGER BY ASSOCIATION. THE SCENE THEN ESTABLISHES THAT CAP SEES THE SAME EXACT PROBLEM THAT THE AUDIENCE DOES. IT THEN ESTABLISHES THE SHELF AS A POTENTIAL SOLUTION. IT THEN EXECUTES THE FALLOUT SWIFTLY AND WITH CARE. THE ACTION BEAT ESTABLISHES A CONFLICT AND THEN QUICKLY SEEKS TO SOLVE THAT CONFLICT, USING ALL THE INFORMATION IT HAS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED.

YUP, LIKE A GEOMETRIC PROOF, GREAT ACTION ABOUT PROBLEM SOLVING.

NOW GO BACK TO HULK’S FOUR POINTS IN THE INTRO AND THINK ABOUT THIS ACTION BEAT ONE LAST TIME: 1) ANTICIPATION 2) UNDERSTANDING 3) FEELING 4) REACTING.

WE ANTICIPATE THE PROBLEM BY ESTABLISHING CREDIBLE THREAT (NO BULLETS).

WE UNDERSTAND (THE CAMERA SHOWS CAP SEEING THE PROBLEM, TELLING THE AUDIENCE TO REGISTER AS WELL).

WE FEEL THE MOMENT (THE ACTUAL GUN TOSSING THEN CAP HITTING THE SHELF AND BUCKY SHOOTING HIM VERY WELL PUT TOGETHER. IT NOT SO FAST THAT WE NO UNDERSTAND THE GEOGRAPHY, BUT IT STILL FAST ENOUGH THAT WE FEEL THE IMPACT. THAT BECAUSE THEY JUST .01 SECONDS AHEAD OF AUDIENCE, WHICH GIVE IT SENSE OF BEING “FELT” BEFORE IT PROCESSED).

LASTLY, WE REACT WITH ELATION.(3)

PICTURED: ELATION

ACTION IS ABOUT SETTING UP SERIES OF STEPS THAT THE AUDIENCE CAN FOLLOW AND REACT TO. WHEN YOU ANTICIPATE THE PROBLEM, THE CONFLICT BECOMES PALPABLE. THE AUDIENCE EXPERIENCES DRAMA. WE CALL IT “CAUSE + EFFECT” BUT REALLY IT’S THE MOST BASIC DEVICE OF ALL KINDS OF STORY TELLING, NOT JUST ACTION.

THING ABOUT IT. IT’S THE BASIS OF COMEDY (SET UP: PUNCHLINE), THE BASIS OF HORROR (SET UP: SCARE), AND YES, THE BASIS OF ACTION (SET-UP: PAYOFF). AND THE MORE YOU CAN STRING TOGETHER A SERIES OF GOOD ACTION BEATS (MULTIPLE SET-UPS + PAYOFFS) THE MORE YOU CAN CREATE MEMORABLE ACTION SCENE. ESPECIALLY IF YOU CAN IMBUE THE BEATS WITH MEANING OF CHARACTER AND NARRATIVE, OR MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE HUMOR IF SO DESIRED.

GOING BACK TO OUR EARLIER PROBLEM WITH THE MONTAGE, REMEMBER THAT THE CONTEXT MATTERS.

THE TRAIN SCENE COMES HOT OFF THE HEALS OF THAT BORING MONTAGE SEQUENCE AND IT STARTS WITH CAP AND COMPANY STAND ATOP A MOUNTAIN OVERLOOKING THE HIGH SPEED TRAIN. THEY THEN ALL SIT AROUND AND PROVIDE CONTEXT, EXPLAINING THE INCREDIBLE DANGER OR RIP-LINING ONTO A MOVING TRAIN AND ESTABLISHING THE THREAT OF REAL DANGER. THEN WHEN THEY ACTUALLY RIP-LINE, THEY ALMOST DON’T MAKE IT (PEOPLE DOING THINGS WITH EASE IS “COOL” BUT BORING AND NOT INVOLVING, RIGHT MATRIX SEQUELS?). FROM THE TOP OF THE TRAIN, OUR HEROES THEN SNEAK ON BOARD AND THE SEQUENCE TURNS INTO THE BEST ACTION BEAT HULK EXPLAINED ABOVE. WHICH MEANS THE BEAT HAS SUBSTANTIAL RESONANCE BECAUSE THEY ALREADY ESTABLISHED MUCH HIGHER STAKES, CONTEXT, AND DRAMA.

THE AUDIENCE WAS PRIMED FOR IT.

BUT BEST PART OF THE ACTION SCENE REALLY COMES AFTER THE BEAT MENTIONED ABOVE. THE VERY SECOND AFTER BUCKY SHOOTS THE “SHELFED” BAD-GUY WITH CAP’S GUN, RIGHT WHEN THE AUDIENCE HAS THAT GREAT MOMENT OF RELIEF, THE ANGLE CHANGES AND REVEALS THERE ANOTHER BIG SOLDIER RIGHT BEHIND THEM. OUR ELATION NOW UNDERCUT BY ANOTHER THREAT.

MEANING THE ACTION BEATS ARE LINKED.

WHAT HAPPENS AFTER IS FANTASTIC (BIG SPOILERS TIL THE NEXT NOTICE) THE SNEAKY BIG SOLDIER FIRES AND CAP BARELY BLOCKS IT. CAP FALLS OVER AND BUCKY PICKS UP THE SHIELD TO PROTECT HIMSELF. THE BIG SOLDIER FIRES AGAIN, DISLODGING THE SHIELD AND KNOCKING BUCKY BACK OFF THE TRAIN. BUCKY GRABS THE SIDE, BARELY HOLDING ON. CAP REALIZES HIS BEST FRIEND IS IN TROUBLE, SO HE QUICKLY GRABS THE SHIELD DISPOSES OF SOLDIER AND GOES TO SAVE BUCKY… BUT CAP ISN’T IN TIME. BUCKY FALLS TO DEATH. WE’VE SEEN THIS KIND OF SCENE SO MANY TIMES, BUT BECAUSE OF THE CONTEXT AND SET UP IT WORKS. AND THEN IT DOESN’T STOP THERE. SEVERELY DISTRAUGHT, CAP TRUDGES ON TO CAPTURE THE RED SKULL’S SECOND IN COMMAND; A BITTERSWEET TRIUMPH. (END SPOILERS) THEN THE VERY NEXT SCENE LINKS THE BITTERSWEET EMOTION OF THAT MOMENT BY SHOWING CAP IN A BAR AND HAVING A NICELY-OBSERVED EMOTIONAL SCENE WITH PEGGY.(4) THIS IS WHAT A GREAT ACTION SCENE DOES. IT HAS MEANING BEYOND THE PHYSICAL ACTION AND THE EFFECTS GO WAY BEYOND WHAT “COOL.”

NOOOO! LOOKING COOL IS ALL THAT MATTERS!

THAT’S THE REAL KEY TO CINEMA, RIGHT? TO INTEGRATE ALL THE ASPECTS OF A MOVIE SO YOU CONSTANTLY HANDLING MULTIPLE THINGS AT ONCE: THRILLING ACTION, CHARACTER ARCS, HUMOR, WIT, DRAMA. YOU REALLY CAN PUT THEM ALL ON DISPLAY IN THE SAME SCENE IF YOU KNOW HOW TO GIVE EACH ASPECT RESONANCE, ESPECIALLY IF YOU UNDERSTAND CAUSE + EFFECT.

THERE’S AN EARLIER SEQUENCE IN CAPTAIN AMERICA THAT DOES THIS SPECTACULARLY AND IT OCCURS RIGHT AFTER CAP’S TRANSFORMATION. NOT ONLY DOES THE SCENE BEGIN WITH A HUGE CHARACTER BEAT (THE ONE INVOLVING PROFESSOR ERKLINE) BUT THE SCENE IS FULL OF CHARACTER-FOCUSED ACTION. STEVE ROGERS LEARNS HOW TO RUN, JUMP, FIGHT AND EVEN DEFENDS HIMSELF WITH A STAR-ENCRUSTED CAR-DOOR. THAT’S RIGHT, THE FILM’S FIRST REAL ACTION SCENE GIVES US A VISUAL SHOWCASE OF HIM LEARNING HOW TO BE CAPTAIN AMERICA ON THE FLY. AND IT WORKS SO WELL BECAUSE IT COMBINES SO MANY DIFFERENT ELEMENTS TOGETHER WITH DIRECT CAUSE + EFFECT.

THE MOMENT THAT BEST HIGHLIGHTS THIS VERSATILITY COMES AT THE END OF THE SEQUENCE. CAP PURSUES THE HYDRA AGENT TO THE DOCKS, WHERE HE GRABS A YOUNG CHILD AND THROWS HIM IN THE WATER TO GET CAP OFF HIS TAIL. IT A FAMILIAR MOMENT THAT WE’VE SEEN MANY, MANY TIMES BEFORE AND WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO EXPECT: CAP NOW HAS TO SAVE THE CHILD FROM DROWNING. BUT INSTEAD OF THE FAMILIAR WE GET SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD. CAP LOOKS DOWN TO SEE THE KID TREADING WATER JUST FINE AND DANDY. THE KID SHOUTS BACK “I CAN SWIM MISTER, GO GET HIM!” NOT ONLY IS THE LINE READING PRETTY HILARIOUS, BUT THE AUDIENCE COMPLETELY ATE THAT SHIT UP. WHY? BECAUSE JOHNSTON SET UP THE MOMENT PERFECTLY. HE KNEW THAT THE AUDIENCE WAS EXPECTING SOME LAME AND DRAMATIC. HE KNEW THAT CAUSE + EFFECT WITH ACTION WORKS THE EXACT SAME WAY WITH COMEDY. HE KNEW YOU COULD USE THE EXACT SAME SET-UPS.

THIS SCENE FROM CAPTAIN AMERICA HAS SO MANY THINGS GOING ON WITH CHARACTER, ARCS, HUMOR, AND DRAMA THAT IT SCENE CAN SUCCEED REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU THINK OF THE ACTUAL AESTHETICS OF THE ACTION. IT IS ALWAYS THE EMOTIONAL STUFF, MEANING THE CONTENT, THAT COMPELS YOU. BUT WHEN YOU CAN COMBINE EVERYTHING TOGETHER WITH A WELL-COMPOSED ACTION SCENE THEN THE SKY’S THE LIMIT. THAT’S WHAT JOHNSTON’S  “I CAN SWIM MISTER!” MOMENT DOES, IT ELEVATES THE ACTION.HULK WOULD EVEN CALL THAT MOMENT DOWNRIGHT SPIELBERG-IAN.

OH SNAP.

THAT’S RIGHT. HULK JUST REFERENCED THE BEST CAUSE + EFFECT FILMMAKER ON THE PLANET.

THIS GUY

OKAY, SO FIRST HULK SHOULD QUALIFY WHAT MAKES SPIELBERG DISTINCT. HIS PLACE IN THE PANTHEON IS ASSURED NO MATTER WHAT HULK THINKS, BUT HULK REALLY SHOULD EXPLAIN HIM CAREFULLY SO WE KNOW HOW HE “WORKS.” HULK FEEL LIKE SPIELBERG IS BOTH UNFAIRLY HERALDED AS GREATEST AMERICAN DIRECTOR, AND YET AT THE EXACT SAME TIME, HULK FEEL LIKE HE IS ALSO UNFAIRLY LAMBASTED AS NOT BEING ARTISTIC/CEREBRAL ENOUGH. IT’S NOT THAT HIS MAINSTREAM-INCLINED DISPOSITION IS HOLDING HIM BACK (THAT IMPLIES HULK IS ESOTERIC), BUT INSTEAD IT’S THE FACT THAT THAT VERY THE THING THAT MAKE SPIELBERG SO DAMN GOOD IS ALSO THE VERY THING THAT LIMITS HIM:

SPIELBERG IS ALWAYS ABLE TO SHOW HIS EXACT INTENTION IN A SCENE.

MEANING THERE IS NEVER A SINGLE DOUBT TO WHAT SPIELBERG MEANS IN A GIVEN MOMENT. THERE IS NO AMBIGUITY TO ANYTHING HE EVER DOES.(5) TO PROVIDE COUNTERPOINT WHICH HIGHLIGHTS THE PROBLEMS OF SPIELBERG’S DEAFENING SINGULARITY, HULK THINK THE GREATEST AMERICAN DIRECTOR =  STANLEY KUBRICK. IN ANY GIVEN KUBRICK SCENE THERE LIKE 90 INTERESTING THINGS GOING ON. IN A GIVEN SPIELBERG SCENE THERE USUALLY JUST ONE INTERESTING THING GOING ON, BUT IT IS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WELL-EXECUTED (THIS CRUCIAL DIFFERENCE IS THE ABSOLUTE REASON A.I. IS FASCINATING, BUT DEEPLY FLAWED).

SPIELBERG MAKE SENSE NOW? OKAY COOL.

THE REASON FOR THIS EVALUATION IS BECAUSE IT IS IMPORTANT TO HIGHLIGHT SPIELBERG’S SINGULARITY WHEN DISCUSSING THE UNQUESTIONABLE FACT THAT HE IS THE ABSOLUTE MASTER OF CAUSE + EFFECT FILMMAKING. AND IF CAUSE + EFFECT IS THE MOST CENTRAL TENET OF ACTION, DRAMA, AND COMEDY, THEN IT’S ALSO NOT AN ACCIDENT THE SPIELBERG IS THE MOST POPULAR MAINSTREAM FILMMAKER IN AMERICA AND MAYBE THE WORLD.

THINK ABOUT ALL THE BEST SCENES FROM SPIELBERG’S MOVIES AND THINK ABOUT THEM IN TERMS OF CAUSE + EFFECT AND SET UP + DELIVERY: THE PULSING OF THE WATER CUPS AND THE ENSUING T-REX SEQUENCE FROM JURASSIC PARK. THERE ARE NO “KINETIC” MOMENTS IN THAT SEQUENCE, BUT INSTEAD IT RELIES ON A SUCCESSION OF MOMENTS OF DREAD AND SUDDEN IMPACT, EACH LINKING TO THE NEXT HORRIBLE SITUATION. THE PERFECT CAUSE + EFFECT SEQUENCE. THINK OF THE SHARK REVEALS/SCARES IN JAWS. IT NOT ONLY FREAKS YOU OUT WITH A SUCCESSION OF HORROR BEATS, BUT MANAGES TO CAPITALIZE ON A NICE CAT-AND-MOUSE-CHASE THROUGHOUT THE NARRATIVE. THE MOVIE HAS A DISTINCT TETE-E-TETE (READ: CAUSE +EFFECT) ALL BUILDING TO EPIC “SMILE YOU SON OF A BITCH.” THINK ABOUT E.T. WITH ELLIOT ON THE BIKE DROPPING INTO THE RAVINE THEN LIFTING UP AND FLYING INTO THE SKY. THINK ABOUT THE IMAGES HE USED TO SET UP THAT MOMENT.

WITH SPIELBERG, IT’S NEVER JUST A TACTIC THAT IS SOMETHING THAT’S FOR MERE ADVENTURE FILMS. THINK ABOUT SAVING PRIVATE RYAN. EVEN WHEN THOUGH THE FILM WAS FOR IT’S INVENTIVE USE OF THE DOCU-STYLE, THE REASON IT REALLY SUCCEEDED WAS BECAUSE IT WAS STILL FUNDAMENTALLY ROOTED IN AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION AND CAUSE + EFFECT. YOU PROBABLY REMEMBER THE CRAZINESS/FEELING OF THE OPENING D-DAY SCENE, BUT THINK ABOUT THE CONTENT. HOW DOES THAT  SEQUENCE BEGIN? WITH A BOAT PREPPING FOR DEPLOYMENT ON D-DAY, THE DOOR GOES DOWN, BUT EVERY SINGLE SOLDIER IN FRONT SHOT INSTANTLY. SET UP + DELIVERY. LATER A SOLDIER CLIPPED IN THE HELMET SO HE TAKES OFF THE HELMET AND EXAMINE IT, THEN GETS SHOT IN THE HEAD. CAUSE + EFFECT. LATER, TOM HANK’S CHARACTER TALKS TO A PERSON ON THE PHONE LINE, TURNS AWAY, TURNS BACK AND THEY’RE DEAD. SAME THING. THE SCENE FEELS CHAOTIC BUT IT NOT JUST “STUFF HAPPENING.” IT’S JUST THE STYLE OF THE SCENE IMPLIES CHAOS, BUT THE ACTUAL SEQUENCE IS STRAIGHT-UP ACTION BEATS AND CAUSE + EFFECT. EVEN SCHINDLER’S LIST USES THE SAME TENET CONSTANTLY, ONLY TO HIGHLIGHT TRAGEDY AND ATROCITY.(6)

NOW, LET’S TIE THIS EVALUATION INTO EARLIER HULK POINT. THINK ABOUT HOW OFTEN YOU COULD DESCRIBE SPEILBERG’S WORK AS “COOL”… YEAH, YOU NOT FIRST DESCRIBE IT THAT WAY AT ALL. AS INVENTIVE AND THRILLING AS IT IS, HIS WORK IS RARELY “COOL” IN THE WAY WE THINK OF COOL … ACTUALLY, IT’S MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE SQUARE. BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER ONE IOTA BECAUSE YOU ARE SURE AS HELL INVESTED.

SPEILBERG’S ACTION GENIUS HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH COHERENT DIRECTION OR MISE EN SCENE. IT HAS TO DO WITH BEING SURE YOU INVESTING THE AUDIENCE ABOVE ALL ELSE. SPIELBERG IS EVEN INFAMOUS FOR “CHEATING LOGISTICS” CONSTANTLY. HE CHEAT SPACE, TIME, PROXIMITY, GEOGRAPHY AND HE GETS AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE HE SO GOOD AT USING THOSE CHEATS TO MANIPULATE TENSION AND DRAMA OF SCENE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. IT IS THE LOGIC OF SUSPENSE, NOT THE LOGIC OF LOGIC. AND IT’S WHAT HE CARES ABOUT MORE THAN ANYTHING. HE ALWAYS CREATES A VISUAL “STORY” THAT IS SO DISTINCT AND YOU THEREFORE REMEMBER HIS ACTION MORE THAN ANY OTHER FILMMAKER.

SO IF WE GOING TO EXAMINE SOME SPIELBERG THAN YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT HULK LEFT OFF THE BEST EXAMPLE OF CAUSE + EFFECT ACTION IN HIS OEUVRE: THE INDIANA JONES TRILOGY. (7)

STATEMENT OF FACT: INDIANA JONES = THE PERFECT ACTION HERO.

FUCKING A.

AS TOTALLY FUCKING COOL AS ABOVE PICTURE IS, INDIANA JONES DOES IS NOT FIGHT  “COOL.” HE DOES NOT ACT LIKE HE IS INVINCIBLE. HE DOES NOT HAVE AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF AMMO. HE DOES NOT BRUSH ASIDE ANY THREATS AGAINST HIS PERSON LIKE THEY ARE NOTHING. WE NEVER MARVEL AT HIS FEATS OF ABILITY. AND FOR YOU FELLOW GAMING NERDS, HE NEVER, EVER IN “GOD-MODE.”

NO, THE THING THAT IS AWESOME ABOUT INDY IS THAT HE IS DISTINCTLY HUMAN. HE ALTERNATES BETWEEN FALSE CONFIDENCE/BRAVADO AND ABJECT TERROR. HE IS PROFESSOR-LEVEL INTELLIGENT, BUT ALSO ON OCCASION PRETTY DUMB. HE IS COCKSURE IN CONVERSATION AND YET BUMBLING AT THE MOST CRUCIAL MOMENTS. BUT NEVER DOES HIS FEAR OR INABILITY TRANSLATE TO ACTUAL COWARDICE, JUST THE SHEER HUMAN AND EMOTIONAL RECOGNITION OF BEING IN OVER ONE’S HEAD.

HE IS BOTH WHAT WE WANT TO BE AND ALSO WHAT WE ARE AT EXACT SAME TIME.

AND SINCE HE IS SO HUMAN, WHAT INDY DOES BETTER THAN ANYONE IS GET HIMSELF INTO JAMS AND THEN BARELY GET OUT OF THEM.

TOM: Ah yes, lovable Indy. I’ve often considered where the modern action scene was born and I have to say that Raiders impressed back in the day. It does exactly what you say, right from the beginning: multiple strands of action beautifully balanced in the edit, clear character stakes, cause & effect, etc.

EXACTLY. YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET’S WATCH THE SUPER-DUPER FAMOUS OPENING OF RAIDERS AGAIN AND THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING HULK & TOM TALKIN’ BOUT. AS THE AUDIENCE JOURNEYS TOWARD THE IDOL, THEY SET UP EVERY SINGLE THING THAT GOING TO LATER HAPPEN DURING THE ESCAPE: THE PIT, THE ARROWS, THE STEPS. IT ALL THERE. THE LINK BELOW HAS NO SOUND (DAMN COPYRIGHT, THIS FOR EDUCATION PURPOSES!) BUT THIS IS ACTUALLY A GOOD THING BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY HIGHLIGHTS HOW VISUAL AN ENTIRE ACTION SCENE CAN BE:

THIS SEQUENCE, WITH ALL OF THE SET-UPS, PAYOFFS, AND IMMEDIATE LINKING, IS ABSOLUTELY THE HEART OF ACTION. HULK MEAN HOW GREAT IS THIS? INDY IS ALWAYS ABOUT FINDING HIMSELF IN A NEW AND FAR WORSE JAM: OUT OF THE FRYING PAN, INTO THE FIRE, INTO A VOLCANO, AND INTO HELL. AND IT IS BY FAR THE MOST EFFECTIVE MANNER OF ACTION-STORYTELLING AND THEREFORE THE MOST EXCITING WAY TO INVOLVE AND THRILL AN AUDIENCE.

BUT NOTICE  THAT IT SURE AS HELL ISN’T COHESIVE OR “REALISTIC” EDITING. SEE HOW OFTEN SPIELBERG CHEATED? HOW THE LAST SECONDS OF THE DOOR FALLING TAKES FOREVER? HOW NONE OF THE BOULDER SHOTS CUT TOGETHER? BUT NONE OF IT MATTER!

TOM: That’s nothing. The truck chase in Raiders cheats like hell and gets away with it. Trees, buildings, open desert, 1000′ cliffs – all appear and disappear as serves the mechanics of the action.

EXACTLY. SPEILBERG’S ENTIRE OEUVRE SEEMS TO VIOLATE THE VERY NOTION COHESION, BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE HE’S SIMPLY TRYING TO PUT THE SCENE PERFECTLY IN TUNE WITH CAUSE + EFFECT.

BUT PERHAPS THE BEST THING ABOUT SPIELBERG IS HE KNOWS BETTER THAN ANYONE THAT A  SET-UP FOR DANGER CAN BE PLAYED FOR A LAUGH (THUS INFORMING THE “I CAN SWIM MISTER!” MOMENT FROM CAP). HULK CAN’T FIND A VIABLE LINK TO IT, BUT THE OPENING OF TEMPLE OF DOOM JUST AS STRONG WITH CAUSE + EFFECT DEVICES, BUT SPIELBERG USES HALF OF THE “DELIVERIES” TO GO FOR LAUGHS. WOMEN GETTING PUNCHED, THE ICE MIXING WITH THE DIAMONDS, AND THE EXTRAORDINARY CAPPER WITH INDY SAYING “SO LONG LAO CHE!” THEN CLOSING THE DOOR WHICH READS “LAO CHE AIR FREIGHT.” AGAIN, IT THE SAME EXACT SAME NOTION SET-UPS, BUT THE REACTION/RELIEF COMES IN FORM OF LAUGHTER. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY IT SHOWS THAT THE TWO CAN MIX WONDERFULLY. AND FROM THAT POINT ON, THE MOVIE REALLY NEVER STOPS LINKING ALL THEIR BEATS TOGETHER. IF YOU PUT IT SOLELY IN THOSE TERMS, THEN TEMPLE IS A CAUSE + EFFECT MASTERPIECE.

TOM, HULK TRYING THINK, THERE ANY OTHER GREAT ACTION SET-UPS THAT BRING COMEDY MOMENTS YOU CAN THINK OF OUTSIDE OF SPEILBERG?

TOM:  Outside of Spielberg? Great, well that disqualifies two of the greatest moments ever, which are both in, of course, Raiders of the Lost Ark.

HULK LAUGH.

TOM: The first is the shoot out in Marion’s bar in Nepal, which is a perfect Swiss clock of a sequence with all sorts of unexpected twists and turns – all set against the perfect hourglass device in the form of a fire which threatens to engulf  proceedings.  A dark laugh is elicited when it seems Major Anold Toht (I confess, I looked that up) has chanced upon the vital medallion in all the confusion, only to discover that it’s literally too hot to handle.  Then, when it looks like it’s all over for Indy, pinned by the last man standing who has a gun aimed at him at point blank range, the shot that rings out comes from Marion’s gun.  A deus ex machina of sorts since we’ve been led to believe that Marion is stupefied at this point but a permissible one given that she’s established her ability to drink giants under the table already.

AND NO FORGET, THAT SCENE OPENS WITH ONE OF THE BEST LEFT-FIELD SCARE-TO-LAUGH DEVICES EVER, WHAT CAN ONLY BE CALLED, “TOHT’S COAT-HANGER.”

TOM: Out of nowhere indeed. The other great moment is, of course, this:

TOM: On reflection the laugh elicited from Indy shooting the showboating swordsman is at the expense of his true characterisation.  It’s a callous and ‘ungentlemanly’ action and displays an unfair advantage in a film which revels in usually stacking the odds heavily against the protagonist. But that’s also what makes the moment work.

RIGHT, IT PLAY RIGHT INTO SET UP/DELIVER. EVERYONE OUTRIGHT EXPECTS THE BATTLE. AND HOPEFULLY EVERYONE KNOWS THE FAMOUS STORY OF HOW IT WAS ACTUALLY PLANNED AS A BIG FIGHT SCENE, BUT HARRISON HAD THE RUNS AND SOMEONE SUGGESTED THAT GETTING THE SCENE WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER IF HE JUST TOOK OUT HIS GUN AND SHOT HIM. PURE SERENDIPITY AND PROOF A CAUSE + EFFECT LAUGH CAN BE 1000 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN ANY COMPLICATED “COOL” SEQUENCE. PLUS IT DIRECTLY ANSWERS THOSE PESTERING MOVIE-LOGIC QUESTIONS: “YEAH, WHY WOULDN’T HE JUST TAKE OUT HIS GUN AND SHOOT HIM?” BUT REALLY IT MORE THAN THAT. IT ABOUT THE DUALITY OF INDY/US AND GETS TO THE HEART OF THE MOVIE’S IDENTITY.

TOM:  Spielberg abounds in stacking the odds against Indy and therein lies the charm of the series.

The famous punch into the propeller wing executes this idea perfectly, all with a steady escalation of perils that impede a simple objective – stop the ark from leaving by plane.  First the giant Nazi boxer, then Marion inadvertently locking herself in the plane and the concussed pilot forcing the controls, then a fuel spill that threatens to ignite – which in turn awakens another poleaxed Nazi, etc, etc.  Spielberg’s mastery at this point in his career was not just his confidence with cause and effect but his ability to have so many elements running in parallel.  The effect on an audience is one of almost unbearable tension as the problems that face the protagonists have no one clear solution and again, with the path of flammable liquid pouring towards a naked flame there’s an in built time limit to proceedings.  I always liken this device to watching an escapology act; a clear demonstration of the hurdles that have to be overcome as we see the escapologist being demonstrably cuffed and bound then a knowable time limit imposed when they’re dumped into a tank of water.

HULK LOVE THAT IDEA. AN ESCAPOLOGIST, WORKING ON ALL THE DIFFERENT PARALLELS. THAT PERFECT AND VERY “SPIELBERGIAN.”

TOM: And I can’t honestly think of an action set-up that confounds audience expectations in the manner that your Captain America example does, but I hold dearly the clock tower sequence from Back to The Future, which successfully fuses genuine action stakes with humorous misadventure.

OOOH, OOOH. HULK FOUND SUPER CRAPPY LINK, BUT IT WAS THE ONLY ONE NOT REMIXED WITH, LIKE, GTA OR THE SIMPSONS. STILL, IT AT LEAST SHOWS EVERYTHING TO JOG YOUR MEMORY:

TOM: Again the geography to this moment has been previously illustrated in perhaps the most pedantically diagrammatic fashion in film history; we’re treated to a scale model demonstration of exactly how the sequence is supposed to go down later in the story; only for a massive spanner to be thrown into the works when a falling tree disconnects the vital power line from the improvised lightening rod on the clock tower. Here we have a literal ticking clock device as the countdown to 10.04pm begins and we have a very Spielbergian escalation policy in effect as first a section of the tower ledge gives way, then Doc Brown’s turn ups start to rip, the DeLorean stalls at the starting line and once plugged back in to the lightening rod the cable is still fatally foreshortened by the felled tree and disconnects at ground level…  With all this in effect the viewer is knotted up in hernia inducing tension by the time the lightening bolt finally lets rip.

Despite a smattering of action throughout the film, this moment has been earned through far less kinetic means though.  In fact the entire plot is driven by a need to undo all the potentially disastrous consequences of Marty McFly’s accidental time travel; harnessing a lightening bolt at a precise time being the ultimate conclusion to that quest and established an hour earlier in the story.  Of course the humour in this scene is derived by entirely different means than the Captain America example.  Firstly the two protagonists (who unconventionally are battling the march of time and forces of nature, rather than a bad guy) put in overtly comic performances and the stakes are so phantasmagorically high and absurd they play more convincingly in a humourous arena.  However, for that to be compelling, the laws of cause and effect are still religiously adhered to.

LOVE IT. PERFECT EXAMPLE. AND IT IS NO MISTAKE THAT SPIELBERG, ZEMEKIS, AND JOHNSTON ALL ARE FRIENDS/WORK TOGETHER/LOVE EACH OTHERS WORK.

ALL THEIR “SUMMER” MOVIES  ARE FUN, THRILLING, AND FOR EVERYONE (IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY). STILL, THE LESSONS TO TAKE AWAY FROM THEM IS NOT “BE EXACTLY LIKE THESE GUYS” BUT TO RECOGNIZE THE PRINCIPALS THEY USE TO INFORM YOUR OWN ACTION.

HULK NOT ARGUING THAT HEAVILY TELEGRAPHING ALL YOUR SETS UPS OR USING TONGUE AND CHEEK TONE THE WAY TO GO WITH EVERYTHING. HULK JUST SAYING THAT IT’S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT THESE DEVICES ARE THE HEART OF ACTION. EVEN IF YOU’RE PLAYING YOUR ACTION SUPER-DEADLY-SERIOUS, THE APPROACH OF CAUSE + EFFECT SHOULD BE EXACT SAME. THE ONLY THING THAT WILL BE DIFFERENT IS THE TONE (WE’LL GET TO HOW TONE WORK LATER THOUGH). AND REMEMBER THAT INJECTING A MOMENT OF LEVITY INTO YOUR MOVIE NOT SOMETHING TO FEAR.

WAIT, DID NICKY KATT MAKE THIS SCENE WORK?

NEVER FORGET THAT TEMPLE OF DOOM, FOR ALL IT’S SILLINESS, HAS JUST AS MANY UBER-DARK MOMENTS IN IT TOO (THE SEMI-BIRTH OF PG-13!). HULK ARGUES THAT IT IS ACTUALLY THE LIGHT-HEARTED SILLINESS THAT SETS UP THE GRAVITAS OF THOSE DARK SCENES. AND IT ALL CULMINATES WITH THE GRAND AUDACITY OF THE  “PREPARE TO MEET KALI… IN HELL!” MOMENT WHICH ENDS THE MOVIE. IT’S ALL ABOUT BALANCE, BUT HULK ARGUE YOU SHOULD NEVER BE AFRAID TO PLAY WITH IT OUT OF FEAR.(8)

HULK GOING JUST KEEP HAMMERING THIS WHOLE CAUSE + EFFECT MANTRA. NOTHING MATTERS MORE THAN AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION.

SPIELBERG KNOWS THIS.  AND THAT’S WHY HE’S SPIELBERG.

HE ALSO PRODUCED THE MONEY PIT

BRINGING IT HOME, LET’S ROUND OUT OUR CAUSE + EFFECT ANALYSIS BY LOOKING AT A VERY PARTICULAR FILM OUR SPECIAL GUEST INVOLVED WITH: ATTACK THE BLOCK (IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN YET AND IT’S IN A THEATER NEAR YOU, GO SEE IT! BUT ALSO FEEL FREE SKIP DOWN TO NEXT PART IF WANT TO AVOID ALL DETAILS BEFORE YOU DO).

THE FILM WAS BUDGETED FOR A MEASLY 9 MILLION DOLLARS AND YET IT THRILLING MOVIE ABOUT AN LONDON-CENTRIC ALIEN INVASION.  HOW DID THE FILMMAKERS ACCOMPLISH THIS FEAT? WELL FOR STARTERS IT HAS TEXTURED CHARACTERS, A TIGHT/ECONOMIZING PLOT, AND RESONANT THEMES, BUT FUCK THAT SMARTY-PANTS FROU-FROU NONSENSE, LET’S TALK ACTION!

OF COURSE THE FILM MAKES GOOD USE OF  CAUSE + EFFECT. NOTICE HOW OFTEN THE FILM’S OPENING CONSTANTLY SET UP LOCATIONS/ITEMS IT WILL USE LATER: THE UNION JACK ON THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING, THE STREET WHERE THE POLICE WAGON WILL BE ASSAULTED, THE TWO CONNECTING WALKWAYS WHERE A CHARACTER SETS PRECEDENCE FOR A JUMP THAT HAPPENS LATER. THE ENTIRE FIRST ACT TAKES GREAT CARE TO CUT TO INSERT SHOTS OF LOCATIONS THAT WILL FEATURE THROUGHOUT FILM.

ATTACK THE BLOCK HAS NO DESCENDING BOULDERS OR CRAZY SET-PIECES TO UTILIZE, SO IN ORDER TO MAKE THE PERFECTLY NORMAL SETTING “POP” THEY TAKE EXTRA CARE TO FEATURE SHOW THESE ORDINARY PLACES. THEY MAKE THEM DISTINCT. IT BASIC SET-UP AND DELIVERY. EVEN THE FILM’S CHASE SCENES KEEP THE CAUSE + EFFECT CONCEPT VERY SIMPLE. SHOW ALIEN CHASING, SHOW KID TRYING HARDER TO GET AWAY, SHOW BOTH IN RELATIVE DISTANCE WITH ALIEN GAINING. PUNCTUATE WITH NARROW ESCAPES. THEN LINK THEM ALL TOGETHER (AND REMEMBER JUST CAUSE THE CONCEPT SIMPLE NOT MEAN IT SIMPLE TO EXECUTE, BUT MORE ON THAT LATER). IT GREAT. AND IT ALL CAUSE + EFFECT.

TOM: The first thing to say  about Attack The Block is that all the action ‘beats’ in the finished film are all in the draft of the screenplay that I first read.  It was massaged and molded every step of the way of course, but Joe had clearly thought everything through while putting pen to paper and this made the script an invaluable document to fall back on.

Brainstorming and story-boarding led to further embellishment then the realities of  what the locations, schedule and post production budget could afford reined things back in, but always one knew what was vital and what wasn’t.

The most taxing sequence was the chase back to the block simply because it featured moving vehicles.  Wisely Joe had decided that the best way to handle this was to split the gang up.  That way each character got their own ‘moment’, which seemed democratic, and the physical task of organising things on screen became manageable ‘sub’ set pieces.  The vehicles each character had were picked as an extension of their characterisation and the proficiency with which they tackled various perils were also meant to reflect who they were.  Knowing all this in advance of drilling stunt performers and fretting over visually effective camera angles and all the other things that become preoccupations on set is I’m sure why we rarely missed the wood for the trees.

Further to all this Joe had an iron clad formula that he wanted to apply to every moment.  Fearing that we lacked the resources to do lots of ‘really cool shit’ (and the desire to do ‘really cool shit’ is always there) Joe was adamant that every stunt was sandwiched by a legible close-up of the relevant character.  I guess, going on the principle that at any given moment the viewer is (hopefully) sharing the characters sensations the best a film can do to enforce that is to act as a virtual mirror.  Close-up shots of people’s faces reacting to a threat, expressing fear or triumph, is something cinema offers that other mediums can’t.  [as an aside, the 1st person point of view shot that tops the trailer for the Amazing Spiderman is COOL AS SHIT but the very best moments in the Raimi Spiderman films were always when Peter Perker had lost the mask and we saw him reacting to things with a look of apprehension or physical strain.  That’s when we ‘feel’ the stakes]. It sounds like obvious stuff but I think it’s often forgotten or marginalised in edits and it’s the easiest way to keep the sense that ‘crazy stuff’ is grounded in some sort of relatable real world setting.  It also took some of the pressure off the so called ‘money shots’ since we knew we wouldn’t be blowing up aircraft carriers, crashing 18 wheelers through plate glass buildings or any of the usual $100m ‘shizzle’.

HOLY CRAP. HULK DID NOT PICK UP ON THE CLOSE-UP SHOTS TECHNIQUE, BUT GODDAMN IF THAT NOT PERFECT. HULK CAN’T GET OVER HOW SMART AND SIMPLE THAT IS…. IRONCLAD INDEED.

TOM: Of course Hulk, one still has to be careful how one handles the cast in situations like these:


TRUST.

PART 2 – THE IMPORTANCE OF OBJECTIVES (AND DON’T WORRY THIS PART WAY, WAY SHORTER)

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU SEEN THE GOOD GUYS RUNNING FROM ENCROACHING BAD GUYS AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHERE THEY ARE GOING? THEY’RE JUST RUNNING AWAY.

IT HAPPENS CONSTANTLY. NOW THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH WANTING TO ESCAPE CLUTCHES OF BAD GUYS, HULK MEAN, FUCK, THAT’S A FUNDAMENTAL ASPECT OF ALL ACTION CINEMA. BUT IT’S JUST THAT SO OFTEN MODERN MOVIES DON’T GIVE THE A DISTINCTION OF HOW THEY SHOULD GO ABOUT IT. IT MERELY, “QUICK, RUN!” BUT REALLY IT SPEAKS TO A MUCH LARGER POINT: HOLLYWOOD DOES NOT UTILIZE THE “TANGIBLE OBJECTIVE” NEARLY ENOUGH.

AND IN CASE IT’S NOT OBVIOUS, OBJECTIVES = SO DAMN IMPORTANT.

WHY? BECAUSE THEY ESTABLISHE THE GOAL FOR AUDIENCE. BECAUSE IT CREATES A RALLYING POINT FOR THE CONFLICT. BECAUSE IT ALLOWS THE AUDIENCE AN EASY AND CLEAR WAY TO PARTICIPATE. AND WITHOUT AN OBJECTIVE THE AUDIENCE ONLY WATCHES. WITHOUT AN OBJECTIVE, THERE IS ONLY THE CHAOS OF INTENT. (9) THE OBJECTIVE GIVES ACTION A NARRATIVE. IT FACILITATES AN ARC. IT BEGS A CONCLUSION.

CONSIDER ALL THE GREAT OBJECTIVES OF FILM HISTORY: A PROTON TORPEDO IN THE EXHAUST PORT (JUST BELOW THE MAIN PORT!), DRIVE 88 MPH RIGHT AS THE CLOCK STRIKES MIDNIGHT AND IGNITE THE FLUX CAPACITOR,  FIND THE WIZARD AND JUST FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD, STEAL THE ENTIRE CASH DEPOSIT IN THE VAULT OF THE BELLAGIO, GET THE WARRIORS BACK TO CONEY ISLAND,  ESCAPE THE NAZI PRISONER CAMP, FIND THE ARK OF THE COVENANT, WHAT IS ROSEBUD?, WHO STOLE MY BICYCLE? I NEED THAT BICYCLE!, GET RID OF THE GUY IN THE CAR WITH NO FACE BEFORE BONNIE GETS HOME, FIND BUFFALO BILL AND HERE USE THESE DISTINGUISHED CANNIBAL TO HELP YOU, FIND PRIVATE RYAN,WHO MURDERED LAURA PALMER? (AN OBJECTIVE SO GOOD IT KEPT NORMAL PEOPLE AROUND THROUGH ABSTRACT-CRAZINESS),  AND, OF COURSE, GET REIMBURSEMENT AFTER SOMEONE PEED ON YOUR FUCKING RUG.

NOW NOT EVERY MOVIE NEEDS A GREAT OVER-ARCHING OBJECTIVE TO SEE THE PLOT THROUGH, BUT LET’S NOT FORGET, IT CAN CERTAINLY FREAKING HELP. AND NOTICE HOW MANY OF THE MOVIES HULK LISTED NOT EVEN TRADITIONAL ACTION MOVIES. IT’S JUST THAT OUTLINING GREAT OBJECTIVES FROM THE ONSET PROVIDES IMMEDIATE CONTEXT AND CAN CREATE INSTANTLY SCENES OF TENSION AND CONFLICT IN TRYING TO RESOLVE THAT GOAL. OBJECTIVES IMBUE ACTION SCENES (AND REALLY ALL SCENES) WITH MEANING.

TOM: All this objectives talk got me back to pondering where the modern action scene was born. Clouzot’s ‘Wages of Fear‘ is one of the earliest films I can think of that has ‘modern’ feeling action beats, editing, shot design. But really it uses objectives better than any film I can think of…

PERFECT STARTING POINT! IF YOU NEVER SEEN WAGES OF FEAR(1953) DO YOUR SELF FAVOR AND GO SEE.

THE PLOT IS FAIRLY VERY DIRECT AND YET COMPLETELY INGENIOUS. A GROUP OF POOR, DESPERATE SOUTH AMERICAN MEN ARE HIRED FOR A SUICIDE MISSION IN WHICH THEY HAVE TO DELIVER  TRUCK LOADS OF NITROGLYCERINE TO OIL FIELDS FAR AWAY. THE JOURNEY IS PERILOUS AND THE SLIGHTEST BUMP CAN EXPLODE THE CARGO AND KILL THEM INSTANTLY… SO YUP, THAT’LL CREATE SOME F’ING TENSION.

BUT NO MISTAKE THE FILM THE FILM FOR REPLAYING THAT SINGULAR DANGER OVER AND OVER AGAIN. THE MOVIE SPENDS FIRST HALF SETTING UP THE CHARACTERS AND DESPERATION OF THE SITUATION, ALLOWING THE LAST HALF OF THE MOVIE TO PLAY WITH REAL CONSEQUENCES (SINCE WE KNOW THE CHARACTERS SO WELL). AND WHILE THE SUSPENSE HANGS OVER THE ENTIRE JOURNEY, CLOUZOT INTEGRATES THAT SUSPENSE WITH SEVERAL OTHER PLOT-LINES/DEVICES. SIMPLE AUGMENTATIONS LIKE HAVING A BOULDER FALL INTO THE ROAD AND NOW THEY HAVE TO USE SOME OF THE NITRO TO BLOW IT UP (ALSO AT THEIR OWN RISK). IT ALSO TAKE GREAT CARE TO LET THE TENSION GET THE BEST OF PEOPLE SO THAT THE CONFLICTS BECOME CHARACTER-BASED, SEWING DISTRUST AND EVENTUAL RIVALRY BETWEEN THE TWO CARGO TRUCKS.

THE AV CLUB ACTUALLY WROTE A GREAT PIECE ON WAGES OF FEAR AND THEY HAVE A VIDEO ON THIS PAGE YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY WATCH (IT UN-EMBEDDABLE). IT SHOWS THE AFOREMENTIONED BOULDER SCENE:

http://www.avclub.com/articles/the-wages-of-fear,47047/

NOTICE THE EFFECT OF THE OBJECTIVE? HULK KNOW THAT IT SOUNDS OBVIOUS, BUT IMAGINE WHAT THIS SCENE WOULD BE LIKE WITHOUT A CLEARLY EXPRESSED OBJECTIVE. IMAGINE IF IT JUST THE OPENING OF THE MOVIE AND WE HAD NO IDEA WHAT GOING ON. OF COURSE YOU SAY THAT RIDICULOUS SUGGESTION, BUT THINK ABOUT HOW MANY MOVIES PRESENT ACTION SCENES WITHOUT THE OBJECTIVES BEING KNOWN. SERIOUSLY, YOU’D BE AMAZED HOW MANY BITS OF ACTION WILL BE PRESENTED SANS OBJECTIVE IN THE NAME OF… UM… MYSTERY? HULK DUNNO. BUT BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR IT.

OF COURSE WHEN DEALING WITH THE FACT THAT THEIR ACTION SCENE IS PURPOSELESS, SOME FILMMAKER’S SOLUTION TO THE ENSUING LACK OF AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION IS JUST TO FILL IN THE “BORING” WITH AS MUCH WHIZZ-BANGS AND BUSY-FRAMES, AS POSSIBLE (HULK SOUNDS LIKE OLD-FART). BUT THAT REALLY A WHOLE OTHER PROBLEM. JUST REMEMBER THAT OBVIOUS OBJECTIVES, AS DUMB AS THEY MAY SEEM, CAN COMPLETELY CHANGE THE DYNAMIC OF WHAT YOU SEE ON SCREEN. (NOTE: WE GOING REVISIT WAGES OF FEAR IN ANOTHER PART OF THIS PIECE BUT IF WANT SEE IT ALL THE ENTIRE MOVIE ON HULU PLUS).

HULK JUST CAN’T STATE IT ENOUGH: NEVER BE AFRAID TO CLEARLY OUTLINE WHAT YOU ABOUT TO DO IN ACTION SCENE.

HERE’S A SUPER-SIMPLE EXAMPLE OF THE TOP OF HULK’S HEAD:  PRETEND WE WANT HAVE A SCENE OF PEOPLE DEFENDING A MEDIEVAL FORTRESS. AS THE BAD GUYS SWARM, WE THEREFORE MAKE THE DECISION TO HAVE THE LEAD CHARACTER TELL TWO OTHER CHARTERS TO “HOLD THE GATE! DON’T LET THEIR HORSES THROUGH OR WE’RE DEAD!” NOW IS THIS DIALOGUE INSTRUCTIONAL AND ON THE NOSE? FOR SURE. BUT NOW THE AUDIENCE GOING INTO THAT FIRST MOMENT OF ACTION AND THERE ARE HIGHER STAKES TO THEIR SIMPLE ROOTING INTERESTED. NOW THEY PARTICIPATING INSTEAD OF JUST WATCHING. AND IF THE SCENE DIDN’T HAVE THAT OBJECTIVE CLEARLY EXPRESSED? IF THE BAD GUYS SWARMED AND IT JUST CUT TO THE TWO CHARACTERS RANDOMLY RUNNING TO THE GATE AS BAD GUYS IN HORSES CAME THROUGH? QUITE FRANKLY, IT WOULDN’T WORK AS WELL. THERE WOULD BE A WAY IN WHICH THE AUDIENCE STILL CLEARLY “GETS IT” BUT THERE IS A LOST OPPORTUNITY TO RAISE THE STAKES AND GIVE THE SCENE STRONGER MEANING.

HOW ABOUT REAL-LIFE EXAMPLES? THINK ABOUT HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, WHICH IS A MOVIE THAT DOES NOTHING BUT CONSTANTLY ESTABLISH THE NEXT OBJECTIVE.

AIM FOR THE EXHAUST PORT! JUST BELOW THE MAIN PORT!

IT’S NOT LIKE DRAGON IS JUST USING NONSENSE MACGUFFINS EITHER. FOR EXAMPLE, ONE OF THE EARLY OBJECTIVES IS HOW HICCUP WANTS TO FIX TOOTHLESS’ WING AND THEN THERE IS A SERIES OF TRIAL + ERROR BEFORE ACCOMPLISHING THEIR GOAL. THE USE THE OVERARCHING OBJECTIVE NOT TO BUILD TENSION, BUT TO SEW THE SEEDS OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND GAINING TRUST. THEY USE THIS “ACTION” AS STORY. JUST LIKE THE ROCKY TRAINING MONTAGES.

THEN THERE ARE A NUMBER OF SCENES WHERE HICCUP HAS TO TRY AND BEAT THE CAPTURED “TRAINING DRAGONS” AND IT IS ALL VERY INSTRUCTIONAL/SPECIFIC IN HOW TO DO THAT (ALL OF WHICH SET UP ACTION BEATS LATER IN THE MOVIE TOO). BETTER YET, THEIR METHODS OF INSTRUCTION OFTEN CONTRAST WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT HICCUP GAINED FROM HIS TIME WITH TOOTHLESS. MEANING THE OBJECTIVES REFLECT PERSONALITY AND THEME. IT USES THE ACTION CONFLICT TO CREATE CHARACTER ARC.

AND EVEN WHEN IT’S OBVIOUS STUFF LIKE THE BATTLE AT THE FILM’S CONCLUSION, ALL THE CHARACTERS ARE BARKING ORDERS AT EACH OTHER TO BE SUPER-CLEAR ABOUT EVERY SINGLE OBJECTIVE. AS A RESULT? ALL THIS CLARITY GIVES WEIGHT TO EVERY SINGLE ACTION BEAT ON DISPLAY.

NOW MAYBE THE FILMMAKERS TOOK THE CARE TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING BECAUSE IT’S “JUST A KID’S MOVIE” AND THEY WANTED TO BE SURE EVERYONE UNDERSTOOD, BUT GUESS WHAT? SOMETIMES UNDERSTANDING NOT ABOUT “PLACATING LITTLE IDIOTS” AND INSTEAD ABOUT KEEPING THE AUDIENCE INVESTED.(9B)

YUP, IT’S DEFINITELY NOT JUST FOR FAMILY FARE. FOR INSTANCE, FUCKING INCEPTION.

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

HULK LOVE HOW THERE A SMALL SEGMENT OF PEOPLE WHO CLAIMED THAT MOVIE WAS SIMPLY A “MIND-FUCK,” BECAUSE IT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO TRUE. ONCE IT DROPS OUT OF THE INITIAL DREAM HEIST, THE FILM TAKES AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE TO CLARIFY, WELL, EVERYTHING. THE LOGISTICS OF EXTRACTION, DREAMS, PSYCHOANALYSIS AND THE PLOT OF THE MOVIE ARE, WHILE CERTAINLY COMPLICATED AND INVOLVED, STILL EXPLAINED TO YOU VERBATIM RIGHT BEFORE ALMOST EVERYTHING HAPPENS. EVEN IT’S DONE SO IN A RATHER WORDY/ON-THE-FLY MANNER, THE OBJECTIVES ARE CONSTANTLY LAID OUT BEFORE THE ACTION. THE EFFECT WORKS BEAUTIFULLY AND IT IS NOT AFRAID TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING IN O.C.D.-LEVEL DETAIL:

IMAGINE IF YOU WERE SITTING AT TABLE FOR LUNCH AND SOME PRODUCER WAS EXPLAINING INCEPTION’S APPROACH TO EXPOSITION/OBJECTIVES TO YOU: A MOVIE THAT JUST CONSTANTLY EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. IT WOULD SOUND AWFUL, RIGHT? BUT THAT’S ONLY BECAUSE WE HAVE THIS WEIRD BELIEF THAT IT IS THE EXPOSITION ITSELF THAT IS THE PROBLEM AND NOT HOW IT IS USED. INCEPTION HANDLES ITS INFORMATION IN A KINETIC, FAST-PACED WAY AND IT’S MAIN NARRATIVE STRENGTH COMES FROM THE FACT IT STRIVES FOR CLARITY ABOVE ALL ELSE (WITH A FEW MYSTERIES INTENTIONALLY HELD BACK OF COURSE). AND IT EVEN MANAGES TO BE CLEAR ABOUT SOME REALLY COMPLICATED THINGS. AS LONG AS YOU TREAT YOUR OBJECTIVES CINEMATICALLY, EXPLAINING SOMETHING CAN BE MOVIE-GOING JOY. ALL IT TAKES IS SOME GOOD MUSIC, CROSS-PURPOSE EDITING, OR EVEN A WELL-TIMED JOKE.

TOM: But never forget it doesn’t have to be on the nose either. The great thing about objectives and exposition is that you can integrate them right into characterisation. An old tutor of mine always gave an (obscure) example from ‘Silkwood‘:  Meryl Streep is on a the plane to NYC and when offered her in-flight meal asks the air hostess “how much?”  In one misunderstanding – that the meal is gratis – we know that she has never flown before.  Another example is in Jaws when Chief Brody wakes up and complains that the sun never used to come in through the bedroom window.  Straight away we know that this is his first summer season at the Amity police dept and by extension that he’s an outsider and not a seafarer.

What I like about a certain type of exposition is when we, the audience, understand something implicitly without it being overtly stated, either through dialogue or action.  It just seems more subtle and deft that way.  At the beginning of Die Hard John McClane goes to meet his wife at her office Christmas party, checking in at the security desk he discovers that she’s reverted to using her maiden name, Holly Gennaro.  This tells us all we need to know about the state of their marriage.

My criticism of Inception would be that Ellen Paige’s character has no function other than to be a conduit for the audiences questions.  She’s the ‘new girl’ and has to have everything explained to her at length to keep the viewer up to speed.  This would be more acceptable if her ability to create fiendish mazes – the talent she was allegedly recruited for – had any great bearing in the final (5th, right?) act.  But it doesn’t.  She’s really just the pipsqueak who asks pertinent questions.

HMMM. HULK DIDN’T MIND HER IF ONLY FOR THE FACT SHE LENDS THE NECESSARY HUMANITY TO THE OPERATION, AND THEN SPECIFICALLY COBB. NOW IS THIS HUMANITY JUST AS SHOE-HORNED FOR NECESSITY PURPOSES AS HER EXPOSITION ROLE? WITHOUT A DOUBT. BUT HULK FORGAVE BECAUSE HULK STILL FELT LIKE A PERSON TO HULK. OR MAYBE IT JUST THAT HULK STILL LIKE ELLEN PAGE. ANYCRAP, MORE IMPORTANT STUFF:

ONCE AGAIN LET’S GO BACK TO ATTACK THE BLOCK, WHERE THE USE OF OBJECTIVES CRITICAL. BEFORE EVERY ACTION BEAT IT SEEMS THE KIDS ALL MAKE SURE TO AGREE WHAT THEY ARE ABOUT TO DO: “LET’S GET BACK TO THE BLOCK” OR  “LET’S GET TO RON’S WEED ROOM.” FOR THOSE WORRYING THAT ALL THIS CONSTANT INFORMATION CAN BE REDUNDANT, OR WORSE, BORING. DON’T WORRY. GOOD WRITERS AND FILMMAKERS KNOW HOW MAKE IT WORK. IN ATTACK IT PLAYED FOR A JOKE.:”WHAT’S RON’S WEED ROOM?” / “IT’S A BIG ROOM FULL OF WEED… AND IT’S RON’S.”

TOM: [Nods happily]

SWEET. OBJECTIVES CLEARED! DAY ONE IN THE BOOKS!

SO JOIN US AGAIN TOMORROW FOR DAY TWO OF THREE, WHEN HULK & TOM COVER PARTS 3, 4, AND 5 OF THE SERIES, WHICH WILL COVER SUCH WONDERFUL TOPICS SUCH AS: GEOGRAPHY, KUNG-FU, TONE, SUSPENSE, SOUND DESIGN, TAUT FILMMAKING, CINEMATOGRAPHY, AND “PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER” WITH THE BEST ACTION SCENE OF ALL TIME.

THINGS ARE REALLY GOING TO START COMING TOGETHER THEN AND WE’LL HAVE A MORE COMPLETE PICTURE OF HOW THINGS WORK IN TOTALITY. TODAY WAS JUST THE STARTER KIT!

ENJOY AND SEE YOU THEN!

❤ HULK & TOM

ENDNOTES!

(i) PLEASE NOTE: HULK STARTED THE FOLLOWING LONG-FORM ARTICLE WELL OVER TWO MONTHS AGO. TWO WEEKS A WEB VIDEO SURFACED AND WENT VIRAL AND IT APPARENTLY TACKLE LOTS OF SAME CONCEPTS. HULK YET TO WATCH IT, BUT THIS SORT OF DISHEARTENING AND HULK NOT WANT YOU THINK HULK COPYING. THIS MAY SEEM OVERLY-CAUTIOUS, BUT SOMETIMES IT IMPORTANT TO MAKE DISTINCTIONS IN THIS MEDIA CULTURE GLUT WE GOT FOR OURSELVES.  AND TO QUOTE FERRAN ADRIA: “CREATIVITY MEANS NOT COPYING.” MOVING ON…

(1) CONCERNING THIS PROCESS THERE IS A REASON HORROR MOVIES ARE SORT OF THE PERFECT PURE GENRE. THESE RULES ARE SO CLEAR AND EFFECTIVE THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF FILMMAKERS UNDERSTAND THESE CORE CONCEPTS AND HOW TO EXECUTE THEM. SPECIFICALLY, THE HORROR MOVIE “SCARE” INHERENTLY DESIGNED TO WORK WITH THESE 4  PARTS OF THIS AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION SEQUENCE BETTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE ON THE PLANET.

(2) SOME OF YOU MAY BE SUSPICIOUS THAT HULK ABSOLUTELY PIMPED ATTACK THE BLOCK WHEN HULK SAW IT AND NOW HULK WRITING CHUMMY ARTICLE WITH THE CINEMATOGRAPHER. THERE NO FUNNY BUSINESS OR ULTERIOR MOTIVES. THE TRUTH THAT MR. TOWNEND SIMPLY READ HULK’S MUCH-DESERVED LAUDING OF THE MOVIE AND THEN SENT ALONG A KIND NOTE OF APPRECIATION. SINCE THEN, HULK AND MR. TOWNEND STRUCK UP FAIRLY NICE CORRESPONDENCE ABOUT MOVIES AND SUCH. WHEN HULK WAS THINKING ABOUT WRITING THIS ARTICLE, HULK ASKED MR. TOWNEND IF WILLING TO CONTRIBUTE. HE KINDLY SAY YES. WHICH, YOU KNOW, IS SUPER AWESOME AND KIND OF HIM. ANYWHO, THAT WHAT HAPPENED SO NO NEED FOR MISTRUSTING HULK’S TAKE ON ATB . AND AGAIN, FOLLOW TOM ON TWITTER!

(3) AGAIN, HULK UNDERSTAND THE POINT OF THE MONTAGE SEQUENCE AND IT GET ACROSS LOTS INFORMATION. BUT COMPARE AGAIN WITH THIS ACTION BEAT. SO WHAT’S ANOTHER REASON THE THE MONTAGE ACTION NOT AS COMPELLING? THERE NEVER ANY THREAT. IT JUST TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS. THINK ABOUT THE GREAT ROCKY MONTAGES. EVEN IF THEY WERE PREDICTABLE, EVEN IF THE MUSIC DID THE HEAVY LIFTING, WHAT MADE THEM WORK DRAMATICALLY IS THERE WAS ALWAYS SOME KIND OF STORY TO THEM. ROCKY WOULD GET BETTER AT WHATEVER THINGS HE WAS DOING AND THEY WOULD USUALLY CULMINATED WITH SUCCESS AND AWKWARD MAN HUGS.

(4) HULK ALSO LOVED THAT SCENE DIDN’T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF GOOD-WILL AND HAVE PEGGY AND CAP CONSUMMATE THEIR RELATIONSHIP IN THAT MOMENT OF SADNESS. NOT ONLY WOULD IT BE CHEAP. IT WOULD SAY ALL THE WRONG THINGS. SOMETIMES THE BEST WRITING IS KNOWING WHAT NOT TO DO.

(5) THOSE WHO CITE “MUNICH” AS A THEMATICALLY COMPLEX FILM YOU ARE CORRECT IN TERMS OF THE SUM OF THE IDEAS PROVIDING CONFLICTING THEMES, BUT THE MOVIE APPROACHES IT WITH BI-POLARITY. ONE SCENE SUPPORTS ONE THOUGHT WITH ABJECT CLARITY. THE NEXT SUPPORTS THE OPPOSITE WITH ABJECT CLARITY. THE COMPLEXITY COMES FROM SIMPLE JUXTAPOSITION OF NON-SUBTLE TERMS. BUT RARELY IS ANYTHING ACTUALLY AMBIGUOUS… ACTUALLY, THE ONLY TIMES THAT ARE IS WHEN A CHARACTER JUST TELLS THE MAIN CHARACTER “IT’S AMBIGUOUS.”

(6) NO EXAMPLE PERHAPS MORE TELLING OF SPIELBERG’S OVERT COMMITMENT TO THE CLARITY OF CAUSE + EFFECT THAN THE LITTLE GIRL WITH THE RED COAT IN SCHINDLER’S LIST. IT BEYOND CLEAR. IT OVER-CLEAR IF SUCH A THING EXIST.

(7) THAT RIGHT. HULK SAID TRILOGY.

(8) UNDERSTANDING WHEN EXACTLY TO PLAY LAUGHS AND WHEN TO BE SERIOUS NOT A “BASICS” DISCUSSION THOUGH. THAT ACTION 102 ARTICLE, MAYBE. FOR EXAMPLE, HOW MANY MOVIES DEPEND ON STOCK WITTY BANTER (ESPECIALLY 90’S MOVIES) OR STICK IN THAT OBLIGATORY AND SUPER TELEGRAPHED SERIOUS MOMENT IN 3RD ACT WHERE HERO MIGHT ACTUALLY BE IN TROUBLE FOR A SPLIT SECOND? THESE STOCK DEVICES NOT NECESSARILY THE ENEMY, BUT IT JUST EASY TO MAKE THEM FEEL ROTE IF THEY USED FOR THE WRONG REASONS. IF THEY JUST SHOE-HORNED IN THE AUDIENCE CAN FEEL IT. AND VICE-VERSA, DEFYING EXPECTATION CAN BE VERY TRICKY BECAUSE YOU CAN GET LOT OF CRAZINESS-FOR-SAKE-OF-CRAZINESS. SOME OF THE MASTERS KNOW HOW TO PLAY WITH EXPECTATION BRILLIANTLY. GUYS LIKE KUBRICK, KAUFFMAN, TARANTINO AND WHEDON… AND FOR THE RECORD DON’T MISTAKE TARANTINO’S MASTERY OF EXPECTATION AS BEING MERE BYPRODUCT OF HIS OUT-OF-SEQUENCE STORYTELLING. IT REALLY BECAUSE HE JUST KNOWS STORYTELLING.

(9) WHICH, OF COURSE, IS NOT TO SAY CHAOS CAN’T BE VALUABLE. A FEW SECONDS OF WELL-TIMED CHAOS CAN BE VERY EFFECTIVE. BUT IT CANNOT GO ON FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME. AND EVEN AT THAT, IT SHOULD NOT BE USED AS OFTEN AS IT IS USED.

(9B) THIS ACTUALLY ONE OF HULK’S MAIN ARGUMENTS AGAINST JJ ABRAMS. HE SO UNBELIEVABLY TALENTED AT CREATING THE AIR OF MYSTERY, BUT PERHAPS NO DIRECTOR LOSES MORE AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION BY REFUSING TO CLARIFY THE INTENT OF HIS CHARACTERS OR THE MOTIVE OF ANY OF THE ACTION. WHAT HELPS THE MYSTERY OFTEN HURTS THE ACTUAL DRAMATIZATION… IF HE COULD REALLY FIGURE OUT WHEN TO GO MYSTERY AND WHEN TO SET UP OBJECTIVES IT WILL BE AMAZING. HE HAS AN INCREDIBLE SET OF TOOLS AND HE’S JUST ONE SIMPLE REALIZATION AWAY FROM PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER.

WHY CONTAGION WORKS

GIVEN THE IMMINENT BEHEMOTH OF A COLUMN THAT HULK UNLEASHING ON YOU THIS WEEK, HULK GONNA KEEP IT SHORT AND TIGHT WITH THIS ONE.

SOMETIMES THE EASIEST WAY TO BOIL DOWN A MOVIE IS NOT TO SAY WHETHER IT’S GOOD OR BAD, BUT TO SIMPLY ASSESS IF IT “WORKS” OR NOT AND WHY. HULK’S RECENT ESSAY “PEGGY CARTER – WHY CAPTAIN AMERICA WORKS” FOR EXAMPLE TRIED DELVE INTO THAT KIND OF THINKING.

SO HERE IS A LIST OF ALL THE REASONS CONTAGION WORKED:

– IT WISELY DECIDES THAT THE MAIN “CHARACTER” OF THE FILM IS THE VIRUS ITSELF.

– SODERBERGH IS AN INSANELY SMART DIRECTOR. PEOPLE ACCUSE HIM OF OVERT FORMALISM, BUT WHEN HE TACKLES MAINSTREAM PROJECTS AND IS ABLE TO IMBUE HIS FORMALISM WITH A HUMANE, ORGANIC FEELING, AND THUS THE SKY IS THE PROVERBIAL LIMIT.

– HE SEEMS TO HAVE FOUND AN AMAZING WRITING PARTNER IN SCOTT Z. BURNS. TOGETHER THEY CRAFTED SOMETHING EXTREMELY THOUGHTFUL, WELL-RESEARCHED, AND COMMITTED TO REALISM.

-THIS REALISM IS ALSO SUPER FREAKING TERRIFYING. HULK NEVER TOUCHING ANYTHING AGAIN. HOLY CRAP, THE KEYBOARD!

– THE MUSIC CHOICES GIVE A “LOOSE” FEELING FILM A VERY NICE PROPULSIVE QUALITY. HULK ACTUALLY THINK THAT ONE OF SODERBERGH’S BEST QUALITIES IS THAT HE A GREAT EDITOR AND THAT EVIDENT IN THESE CHOICES.

– EVERY ACTOR BRINGS A NICE UNDERSTATED PROFESSIONALISM. HULK HAVE TO SINGLE OUT TWO PEOPLE JENNIFER EHLE FOR DOING SO MUCH WITH JUST SIMPLE LOOKS, SMILES, AND A FEW CHOICE WORDS. AND ALSO MATT DAMON, WHO SPENDS MOST OF THE TIME IN SURVIVAL MODE UNTIL THE TIME COMES FOR EMOTIONAL RESONANCE. TOGETHER THEY THE SOUL OF THE FILM.

– AND NOW THE MOST SUPER IMPORTANT REASON IT WORKS – CONTAGION TREATS THE GOVERNMENT’S HEALTH PROFESSIONALS: THE DOCTORS, THE CDC, THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION, WITH PROFOUND RESPECT AND ADMIRATION. FOR SOME REASON, MOVIES ARE ALWAYS SO CONTENT TO SLAM THE PEOPLE AND ORGANIZATIONS WHO AT THE CENTER OF UNPARALLELED CRISIS. MOVIES ALWAYS RALLY BEHIND THE LONE MAN WILLING TO DECRY THE FACELESS AGENCIES WHO ARE NOT “ACTING IN OUR INTEREST!” IN FACT, CONTAGION IS WILLING TO GO SO FAR AS TO TELL A VERY UNPOPULAR TRUTH, THAT THESE FIGURES (THE JUDE LAW CHARACTER) ARE OFTEN MORE SELF-SERVING AND INSIDIOUS THAN COMMITTED PROFESSIONALS (AND OFTEN MORE CORRUPT).*

-AT THE SAME TIME THE MOVIE IS COMPLETELY FAIR AND MATTER OF FACT ABOUT THE COMPLICATIONS OF BUREAUCRACY. IT COULD OVERTLY DRAMATIZE THESE COMPLICATIONS BUT IT DOES NOT. THEY ARE SIMPLY THE REALITIES OF HANDLING MASSIVE PROBLEMS FOR LARGE POPULATIONS. HULK LOVED SEEING THAT EXPRESSED.

* SIDENOTE! AS PART OF THAT, THE FILM IS BRAZEN TO TACKLE THE IDEA THAT FACT HOLISTIC/ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO SCIENTIFIC VALUE. HULK REALIZE THIS OPEN UP A CAN OF WORMS WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE, BUT SCIENTIFICALLY SPEAKING IT TRUE. AND HERE HULK GOING INTO SCIENCE BANNER MODE. RIGHT NOW, THE FIELD OF PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECTS ON HEALTH IS UNDER-STUDIED, KIND OF MURKY, AND WHOLLY IMPORTANT. THAT IS BECAUSE THE MIND’S ABILITY TO ALTER PHYSICAL HEALTH IS SURPRISINGLY, PROFOUNDLY STRONG AND WE DON’T KNOW HOW OR WHY IT WORKS. BUT WE’RE STUDYING IT TO TRY AND FIGURE IT OUT. HOLISTIC/ALTERNATIVE MEDICINES MEANWHILE, HAVE BEEN RESEARCHED TO DEATH AND THE TRUTH IS THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF THEM HAVE ABOUT ZERO SCIENTIFIC EFFECTIVENESS (THE STUFF THAT IS TRUE IS, LIKE,  VITAMIN C AND ZINC ARE GOOD FOR COLDS, ETC). THE TRUE VALUE OF HOLISTIC/ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE IS THAT IT CAN IMPACT YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL STATE, AND THUS AFFECT YOUR HEALTH (AGAIN, THE MIND IS A VERY POWERFUL WEAPON IN COMBATING ILLNESS). BUT AGAIN, IT’S NOT ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING FOR COMBATING YOUR ILLNESS. THEY ARE EXACTLY AS EFFECTIVE AS A PLACEBO. AND THUS TO REALIZE THAT IS TO LOSE THE PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECT. SO IT IS SORT OF A PARADOX BECAUSE IT CAN REALLY HELP SOMEONE, BUT NOT FOR THE REASONS THEY THINK, BUT TO EXPLAIN THE REASONS IS TO REMOVE THE REASON IT WOULD WORK… SO YEAH… IT’S WEIRD, BUT IT’S THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH. ANYWHO, THE FILM TACKLES THIS IN A VERY MATTER OF FACT AND NON-JUDGEMENTAL WAY AND HULK WAS PROFOUNDLY HAPPY TO SEE IT.

POST-MODERNISM… STILL NOT A THING! HULK’S RESPONSE TO SAM STRANGE

SAM STRANGE IS A MYSTERIOUS INTERNET PERSONALITY AND FREQUENT BADASS DIGEST CONTRIBUTOR WHO CLAIMS TO HAVE MADE MOVIES AND WRITES ABOUT THE EXPERIENCES.  IT/HE’S HILARIOUS.

HE ALSO HAS A BLOG. AND ON THIS BLOG HE RECENTLY WROTE A GREAT RESPONSE TO HULK’S POST MODERNISM… NOT A THING! ESSAY. RATHER THAN BE OBTUSE AND PASTE HIS WHOLE ARTICLE, YOU SHOULD CLICK AND READ IT. IT NOT HULK-SIZED (HE HAVE THE SOUL OF WIT… YOU KNOW, BREVITY… UNLIKE HULK). BUT BASICALLY HE BROACH THE SUBJECT AND PUT FORTH EXAMPLES THAT BEST CHARACTERIZE WHAT POST-MODERNISM REALLY MEANS. IT REALLY WELL-PUT AND HULK WAS TRYING TO WRITE A COMMENT, BUT FAILED FOR SOME REASON. BUT THIS ACTUALLY GOOD BECAUSE THE COMMENT WORKS BETTER AS A “PART TWO” TO THE ORIGINAL POST. SO HERE WE GO.

THE FOLLOWING IS HULK’S LETTER OF RESPONSE:

HELLO MR. STRANGE. HULK THANK FOR THE GREAT RESPONSE. THIS IS SORT OF THE EXACT KIND OF DISCUSSION HULK WAS LOOKING FOR GOING. IN OUR CORRESPONDENCE, HULK PROMISED A SHORT ANSWER… THAT SO HERE’S THE BEST TRY.

HULK SUPPOSES THE PROBLEM IS ULTIMATELY IN THE WORD AND NOT YOUR ASSESSMENT.

WHAT YOU SPEAK OF IS, INDEED, ACCURATE AS BEING LIKELY OUTSIDE THE DEFINITION OF TRADITIONAL MODERNISM. THOUGH HULK ARGUES SELF-REFERENTIALISM ISN’T OUTSIDE THE MODERNIST TEXT (JUST LIKE THE QWANTZ CARTOON’S STATEMENT ON POST-MODERNISM), BUT HULK UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IDEA NOT SO POPULAR. STILL, IF HULK HAD TO BOIL IT DOWN INTO A SIMPLE SENTENCE IT WOULD BE THE FOLLOWING, “POST-MODERNISM IS NOT OUTSIDE THE TEXT OF MODERNISM.” HECK, PUT IT THAT WAY AND IT SOUNDS FAIRLY STRAIGHT-FORWARD.

BUT THERE IS A LARGER WAY THAT YOU ARE, OF COURSE, RIGHT. WHAT SHAKESPEARE WAS DOING LATE CAREER, PARTICULARLY WITH YOUR GREAT CYMBELINE EXAMPLE AND HULK’S EXAMPLE OF SHAKESPEARE PLAYING PROSPERO… WELL IF THOSE THINGS AREN’T CLOSE TO WHAT WE CONSIDER “POST-MODERN” THAN HULK DOESN’T KNOW WHAT ELSE COULD BE.

SO THE PROBLEM JUST COMES BACK TO THE DAMN WORD ITSELF: “POST-MODERN.” UGH. PERHAPS IT JUST AS SIMPLE AS HULK THINKING THE WORD JUST NO GOOD. A WORD HAS TO MEAN SOMETHING AND IT, QUITE FRANKLY, JUST DOESN’T CONVEY INFORMATION CORRECTLY FOR HULK TO THINK IT HAS ANY PRACTICAL USE. EVEN IN THE HIGHEST-BROW ACADEMIC CONVERSATION, IN ORDER TO USE THE WORD YOU HAVE TO DEFINE HOW YOU USING IT BEFORE USING IT. AND THAT HULK’S PROBLEM, REALLY. IT NOT CONVEYING INFORMATION CORRECTLY.

ITS AN ARGUMENT HULK HAS ALL THE TIME. WORDS HAVE TO MEAN SOMETHING THAT CLEAR. AND HULK TOTALLY AWARE THAT PART OF POST-MODERNISM IMPLIES THE INHERENT LACK OF CLARITY, BUT THERE’S A RELFEXIVE WAY THAT WORKS WHICH HULK FINDS DOWNRIGHT PREHISTORIC. MEANING WHAT POST-MODERNISM DOESN’T REALIZE IS THAT IT IS PRECISELY THE HUMAN INCLINATION TO STRIVE FORWARD AND USE WORDS TO DEFINE, COMMUNICATE, AND MAKE SENSE OF THE WORLD PRECISELY BECAUSE NOT UNDERSTANDING THINGS IS THE FIRST OBSTACLE IN SURVIVAL. THUS CLARITY AND UNDERSTANDING ARE NOT ONLY IMPORTANT BUT A PART OF OUR NATURAL INSTINCT (A PRETTY DAMN OBVIOUS ONE AT THAT IF HULK SAY SO HULK-SELF). WE USE WORDS AS THE MOST BASIC PART OF STEPPING OUT OF THE PRIMORDIAL SLIME. MEANING THE PRESENCE OF A LACK OF OBJECTIVE TRUTH IS JUST AS OBVIOUS, MAKING THE VERY BASIC PURSUIT OF SOME KIND OF OBJECTIVE TRUTH, LIKE HAVING A SINGLE WORD FOR “MOTHER” OR “IRRIGATION,” SO DAMN INTRINSIC TO OUR VERY NATURE. HECK COMING WITH THESE WORDS ACTUALLY DOES ALL OF SOCIETIES’ HEAVY LIFTING IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT. AND WHAT’S MADDENING ABOUT POST-MODERNISM IS THAT NOT ONLY DOES THE THEORY ITSELF NOT REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS, BUT THE WORD FOR THE THEORY RUNS COUNTER TO IT.

HULK GUESS HULK IS ACTUALLY CALLING POST-MODERNISM (NOT AS YOU QUALIFY IT, BUT AS HULK DOES) INHUMAN.

SO WHAT WOULD HULK CALL WHAT SHAKESPEARE WAS DOING?

HULK ARGUE USING PLAIN OLD “META” NOT ONLY SUFFICES BUT JUST PLAIN WORKS BETTER.

FOR ONE, IT’S SPECIFIC. PEOPLE UNFORTUNATELY USE THE WORD META TO IMPLY SOME SORTA JERK-OFF MENTALITY, BUT HULK NOT THINK THAT THE CASE AT ALL. CAUSE ALL META MEANS IS SELF-AWARENESS, WHETHER ONE THAT INFORMS THE NARRATIVE OR IS EVEN INCLUDED IN THE NARRATIVE. BUT IT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU STATE, AND UNLIKE USING “POST-MODERNISM” MEANS ONLY WHAT YOU MEAN. AND HULK ARGUE SELF-AWARENESS AND META BEEN A PART OF ART SINCE THE BEGINNING REALLY (THE WORD META IS GREEK, AND THEY ACTUALLY USED IT HOW WE USE IT. WHICH IS PRETTY NEAT IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT).

FOR EXAMPLE, IF WE GOING DOWN THIS CLARITY ROUTE YOU CAN SAY “COMMUNITY” IS RATHER META AND HULK WOULD UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. IF YOU SAID COMMUNITY IS RATHER POST-MODERN AT TIMES, HULK WOULDN’T. AND THAT’S NOT JUST BECAUSE HULK NOT ON THE POST-MODERN TRAIN, BUT BECAUSE THE WORD SO MUCH LESS CLEAR… AND THAT’S THE THING ABOUT WORD CHOICE.

AND BEYOND ALL THIS, MAYBE IT MEANS HULK HAVE PROBLEMS WITH THE BROADNESS OF MOST TREND DESIGNATION. MODERNISM MAY BE JUST AS UNFAIR AND POST-MODERNISM TO THE ARTISTS IT DESCRIBES. BUT IF HULK WAS MORE LENIENT ON TRENDS… WELL… MAYBE HULK COULD SAY POST-MODERNISM REFLECTS A LARGE TREND OF SHIFTING MODERNIST ABSTRACT STYLE TO A LARGELY META ONE … YOU KNOW WHAT… HULK ACTUALLY KINDA HAPPY WITH THAT TO BE HONEST. BUT STILL, HULK PRETTY SURE THAT NOT WHAT REALLY HAPPENING.

IT ALSO RUNS CONTRARY TO SOMETHING HULK ALMOST SAID IN THE LAST EASSY. BECAUSE HULK WANTED TO END THE ESSAY ON THE BAMFORD JOKE, DIDN’T GET TO SAY THE FOLLOWING: “SO IF HULK BELIEVES ALL WORDS SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE EXPLAINED IN A SINGLE SENTENCE, HERE’S HULK’S SUPER-DICKISH DEFINITION: POST-MODERNISM IS THE POORLY CONCEIVED ACADEMIC THEORY THAT TRIES (AND FAILS) TO COMBINE SEVERAL MODERNIST STYLINGS INTO A COHERENT SINGULAR TREND, THUS DISAPPOINTING SEVERAL LATE-PERIOD MODERNISTS TRYING TO COME WITH TO GRIPS WITH THE FACT THEY’VE GONE AS FAR AS THEY COULD GO WITH A CENTURY OLD TREND INSTEAD OF A DECADE OLD ONE.

… YEAH. THAT WOULD BE SUPER-DICKISH. AND ALSO PRETTY UNFAIR. SO HULK WILL SCRATCH THAT.

HULK’S ARGUMENT PRETTY MUCH COME DOWN TO USEFULNESS. HULK FEEL YOU COULD MAKE WHAT SHAKESPEARE WAS DOING SO MUCH MORE CLEAR BY USING THE WORD META, OR DISCUSSING IT IN OTHER TERMS, WITHOUT EVER INVITING THE WORD POST-MODERN INTO THE DISCUSSION. BECAUSE PART OF THE PROBLEM WITH POST-MODERNISM IS THAT WHEN WE BRING IT UP, WE ARE SUDDENLY DISCUSSING POST-MODERNISM (AND ALL THE PROBLEMS THAT GO WITH IT) INSTEAD OF THE POINT OF WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT. MEANING POST-MODERNISM IS SADLY, ONLY A CONVERSATION ABOUT POST-MODERNISM.

AND PERHAPS THE MOST TELLING THING IS THAT AS SOON “THE SIMPSONS” WENT POST-MODERN IT WAS ESSENTIALLY THEIR DEATH KNEEL… BOO THAT.

CHEERS MON FRER,

<3HULK

THINGS HULK THINKS ABOUT WHEN THERE IS NO POWER

HULK FINISHING UP OTHER COLUMNS SO IN THE MEANTIME, HERE’S EXACTLY WHAT HULK JUST SAID, A LIST OF THINGS HULK THINKS ABOUT WHEN THERE IS NO POWER:

-WHAT EVERY SINGLE OTHER MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF DIRECTED BY STANLEY KUBRICK

-HOW JOHN HAMM DEALS WITH KNOWING THAT EVERY SINGLE PERSON TALKING TO HIM, MALE OR FEMALE, JUST IS THINKING ABOUT KISSING HIM AT THAT MOMENT.

-SPORTS!

-WHY NO ONE SEEMS TO TALK ABOUT THE FACT WOLVERINE SMELLS BAD

-BUT NOT AS BAD AS BEAST

-WHY IS EVERYONE ON X-BOX LIVE SO DAMN RACIST? AND WHEN WILL THE POWER COME BACK ON SO HULK CAN PLAY X-BOX AGAIN?

-IF HULK’S MASSIVE HATE OF BRETT RATNER STEMS FROM A CHILDHOOD INCIDENT INVOLVING RATNER TOUCHING HULK’S BATHING SUIT AREA.

-WHAT IT’S LIKE TO RIDE A ROLLERCOASTER. HULK TOO BIG FOR ROLLERCOASTERS. #HULKPEOPLEPROBLEMS

-HOW THE MOST RIDICULOUS CAPITAL-H-HYPOCRISY STEMS FROM ANYONE BEING ANTI-IMMIGRATION IF THEY’RE NOT, LIKE, NATIVE AMERICAN. BUT THIS GOES DOUBLE FOR ANYONE OF THE ANYONE OF LATE 1800-1900’S WAVE OF IRISH, JEWISH, ITALIAN, OR GERMAN.

-ROCKS

-WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THAT ONE GUY HULK KNEW FROM HIGH SCHOOL (WHO ISN’T ON FACEBOOK).

-HOW THE LAST DECADE WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF GEORGE LUCAS HAD SOMEONE AROUND HIM TELLING HIM “NO.”

-THE PARENTS OF THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE WHO SHOULD GET MEDALS FOR NAMING THEIR KIDS PERFECTLY: KIRBY PUCKETT, NAOMI WATTS, BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, HANK AZARIA, HONEYSUCKLE WEEKS, AND HERBIE HANCOCK (THAT HIS REAL NAME?).

-WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE BUGS?

-HOW FUCKING SMART STEVEN SODERBERGH IS.

-WHAT HULK WILL SAY IN THE EVENT OF A SURPRISE ARRIVAL THE PEARLY GATES (AFTER YEARS OF ATHEISM)

POST-MODERNISM… NOT A THING

WARNING! THE FOLLOWING IS  THE MOST PRETENTIOUS, ESOTERIC, AND WHOLLY UNIMPORTANT PSUEDO-ACADEMIC ANALYSIS THAT HULK HAS EVER WRITTEN. ENJOY!

HULK TOOK A QUESTION TO HULK’S TWITTER A FEW WEEKS BACK:

IS THERE SUCH A THING POST-MODERNISM?

IF WE’RE GOING THE COGITO ERGO SUM ROUTE, THEN SURE IT EXISTS. PEOPLE SAY IT A THING SO IT A THING.

BUT HULK NOT NECESSARILY A FAN OF GOING THAT ROUTE. THAT ROUTE NOT… WHAT’S THE PHRASE… HELPFUL IN ANY SORT OF WAY. LARGELY BECAUSE HULK BELIEVE  “CLARITY OF DEFINITION” ONE THOSE VERY IMPORTANT THINGS IN ACADEMIA. VAGUERY OF DEFINITION = THE ENEMY OF CLARITY AND CLARITY THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF CONVEYING INFORMATION. AND IF WE NOT CONVEYING INFORMATION HERE, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE EVEN DOING?

CLARITY ESPECIALLY RELEVANT BECAUSE IF YOU’VE EVER TRY TO GRADE A COLLEGE FRESHMAN’S PAPER YOU WOULD SEE SUCH A BREADTH OF PURPOSEFULLY-VAGUE INTELLECTUAL CONCEPTS MASHED TOGETHER WITH THE CARE OF A TODDLER. THE INESCAPABLE TRUTH THAT HULK WOULD RATHER TAKE A PAPER WITH 4TH GRADE LANGUAGE AND A CLEARLY EXPRESSED IDEA OVER THE HIGHEST-AIMING VAGUERY EVERY TIME.

THIS NOT IMPLY THAT BEING VAGUE NOT SOMETHING WE ALL GUILTY OF. EXPRESSING AN IDEA VERY DIFFICULT THING (ESPECIALLY WITH HULK-SPEAK). BUT THE SAD TRUTH THAT ONCE YOU DISLODGE YOUR FEAR OF BEING FOUND OUT AS “NOT-SUPER SMART” AND ACTUALLY LOOK UP WORDS YOU DON’T KNOW, IT BECOME VERY EASY TO READ SOMETHING AND KNOW IF THE WRITER HAS ANY CLUE WHAT THEY ACTUALLY SAYING.

WHAT ALL THIS HAVE TO DO WITH POST-MODERNISM?

A LOT OF THINGS ACTUALLY.

IT NOT THAT PEOPLE JUST BULLSHITTING WHEN THEY TALKING ABOUT POST-MODERNISM, IT THAT THEY SO WILLING TO ACCEPT THE ACADEMIA-BOUND VAGUERY  THAT GO ALONG WITH IT. EVERYTHING ABOUT POST-MODERNISM INVITES VAGERY. THEREFORE, IT INVITES BULLSHIT.

AND MOST OF ALL, HULK CONVINCED POST-MODERNISM NOT REALLY A THING AT ALL… SO ONE SUPPOSES MOST OF THE PROBLEMS STEM FROM THERE. AND ONCE AGAIN, BE WARNED: IN ORDER TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT’S SUPER-BULLSHITTY, HULK GOING TO HAVE TO GET A LITTLE BULLSHITTY HULK-SELF.

COOL? COOL.

LET’S DO IT.

PROBLEM #1 – THE POPULAR CONCEPTION

SO LET’S ESTABLISH THE POPULAR NOTION OF POST-MODERNISM. HULK ASKED THE QUESTION ON TWITTER, AS GOOD A PLACE TO CROWD SOURCE AS ANY OTHER, PRECISELY BECAUSE IT IS NOT ONE OF HULK’S MANY OBTUSE, LITERATURE-FOCUSED MESSAGE BOARDS WHERE EVERYONE WOULD GIVE 5 PARAGRAPH ANSWERS. NO, TWITTER A PLACE WHERE THE ANSWER WILL NOT GET BOGGED DOWN IN LONG-WINDED EXPLANATIONS AND BLISSFULLLY LIMITED TO 140 CHARACTER TWEETS.  SOME OF YOU MAY THINK CROWD SOURCING TWITTER IS IDIOTIC, BUT 1) HULK’S FOLLOWERS PRETTY SMART IF YOU ASK HULK 2) THE REQUIREMENT OF BREVITY NECESSARY TO HULK’S UPCOMING POINTS AND 3) YOU TOO WILL REALIZE THAT MOST OF THESE RESPONSES ARE THOUGHTFUL, FUNNY, AND STRIVING TOWARD A RELEVANT POINT. SO WHAT HULK REALLY WANTS YOU TO CONSIDER IN THE FOLLOWING IS THE WIDE RANGE OF ANSWERS:

catch42_ Matthew Ruddle

Modernism: “Even geometric shapes can be art!” Post-Modernism: “Define art, lolz”

Smile_cat Elizabeth

Not all things modern postmodern. Postmodern not have to be rational or for socio-technology progress. Modernism sort of does.

T_Lawson Trey Lawson

Here’s my take: modernism reworks myth in search of meaning. Postmodernism deconstructs myth to prove the absence of meaning.

tomnomnomnom Doctor Tom

Modernism: seek, gain, lose (always lose) narrative. Post-modernism: don’t even bother. The narrative is a lie.

Sam_Strange Sam Strange

In Shakespeare’s plays you can see how the final bunch looks back and comments on his whole career. That to me is PM.

otakucomics Otaku Comics (Gerry)

modernism includes a sense of nostalgia. Pomo does not.

jettek Jette Kernion

I’m just happy not to hear anyone use the expression “po-mo” anymore. Gaaah.

nuitsilencieuse Tim Baumann

Peter Barry says it has to do with outlook. Modernism is sadly nostalgic, post-modernism is optimistic and vaguely campy.

JasonGBCam Jason Morrow

“Moe” from “Simpsons” explained PO-MO as “Weird for the sake of weird.” Does that make it different from modernism?

teeneyteeney Teeney Hood

Post-modernism is what you want it to be, maybe that’s modernism.

bigtotoro patrick mcdaniel

Breathless? Depends on what you consider modernism.

keithcalder Keith Calder

True post-modernism is what I call earnest-whimsy. Realism tempered by the understanding that it’s possible to deconstruct. Of course I’d never call that “post-modernism” because I think the term is ridiculous.

TheLazy1 Lara P.

Post-Modernism thinks it exists therefore it does. It’s descartesque, really. 🙂

OKAY…

SO THESE ARE A HANDFUL OF THE INITIAL RESPONSES BEFORE HULK STARTED THROWING OUT HULK’S THEORIES ON EXACTLY WHY POST-MODERNISM NOT A THING. NOTICE HOW THERE (SORT OF) A WAY IN WHICH SOME OF THE COMMENTATORS ARE (SORT OF) TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THING, BUT THERE ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD WAY TO CONSOLIDATE THEM INTO A SINGULAR COHESIVE IDEA.

WHY THAT SO IMPORTANT? BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE  CONCEPT, HIGHLY ACADEMIC OR OTHERWISE, SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE EXPLAINED WITH A SINGLE SENTENCE. NOT THE TOTALITY AND RANGE OF THE IDEA, BUT THE CRUX OF THE IDEA ITSELF.(1) SERIOUSLY, IF QUANTUM MECHANICS CAN BE EXPLAINED IN A SINGLE SENTENCE, THEN SO CAN ANY CRITICAL GROUPING OF AN ARTISTIC MOVEMENT.

THIS WOULD BE AN APT PLACE TO INCLUDE THE DEFINITION OF POST-MODERNISM, BUT HULK WANT TO NOT GO THERE FOR A SECOND, FOR REASONS THAT WILL BE CLEAR IN PROBLEM #2.

HULK JUST WANT IT TO SUFFICE TO SAY THAT THE POPULAR CONCEPTION OF POST-MODERNISM IS ANYTHING BUT AGREED UPON OR CLEARLY EXPRESSED.

PROBLEM #2 – POST-MODERNISM = THE SAME THING AS MODERNISM

OKAY, SO MOST LITERARY/ARTISTIC MOVEMENTS TEND TO BE A REACTION TO THE PRECEDING ONE. FOR EXAMPLE, RENAISSANCE PAINTING WAS A REACTION MEDIEVAL AESTHETIC, ROMANTICISM WAS A REACTION TO NEO-CLASSICISM, ETC. ETC. GOT IT? GOOD.

SO IN ORDER TO DEFINE POST-MODERNISM WE REALLY HAVE TO DEFINE MODERNISM FIRST. SO HERE, HULK HAS AUGMENTED A PRETTY GOOD DEFINITION OF MODERNISM FROM WIKIPEDIA: “Modernism was a revolt against the conservative values  of realism [including the] rejection of tradition and its reprise, incorporation, rewriting, recapitulation, revision and parody in new forms.”

THE MOST OBVIOUS WAY THIS EXPRESSED WAS IN THINGS LIKE PAINTING, WHERE WE EMBRACED ABSTRACT FORMS. WITH LITERATURE, WE FRACTURED THE NARRATIVE. MODERNISM WAS ESSENTIALLY THE CONFIRMATION OF ABSTRACT THOUGHT, MADE LITERAL IN ARTIST EXPRESSION. AND BY NATURAL EXTENSION, IT QUESTIONED THE VALUE OF REALITY/SINGULAR DEFINITIONS OF WHAT THESE FORMS MEAN/ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.

MAKE SENSE? OKAY.

NOW HERE THE WIKI-DEFINITON OF POST-MODERNISM (HULK INCLUDING THE LONG VERSION FOR A REASON): “Postmodernism is a philosophical movement away from the viewpoint of modernism. More specifically it is a tendency in contemporary culture characterized by the problem of objective truth and inherent suspicion towards global cultural narrative or meta-narrative. It involves the belief that many, if not all, apparent realities are only social constructs, as they are subject to change inherent to time and place. It emphasizes the role of language, power relations, and motivations; in particular it attacks the use of sharp classifications such as male versus female, straight versus gay, white versus black, and imperial versus colonial. Rather, it holds realities to be plural and relative, and dependent on who the interested parties are and what their interests consist of. It attempts to problematise modernist overconfidence, by drawing into sharp contrast the difference between how confident speakers are of their positions versus how confident they need to be to serve their supposed purposes.”

PHEW, THAT A LOT OF DESCRIPTION.  THE FIRST THING YOU WILL NOTICE THAT THE WIKI DEFINITION NOT EVEN THAT CLEAR ABOUT WHAT POST-MODERNISM REALLY IS… THIS IS A PROBLEM OF COURSE, BUT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO LOOK PAST THAT VAGUERY AND GET A SENSE THAT POST-MODERNISM MOSTLY CONCERNED WITH OBJECTIVE TRUTH IN OUR SOCIETY, OR SOMETHING. YES, YOU COULD PROBABLY READ THAT DESCRIPTION AND THINK: “OKAY I GET IT. I SEE HOW THE TWO THINGS ARE DIFFERENT.”… BUT IT WOULD BE AT THAT POINT WHERE YOU WOULD BE, RATHER DISTINCTLY, WRONG.

AND THAT’S BECAUSE MODERNISM SAID/DID THE SAME EXACT THING.

HULK MUST RESTATE: THEY NOT DIFFERENT WHATSOEVER. THE ONLY THING THAT’S DIFFERENT IS THAT THEY SOMETIMES CENTERED AROUND DIFFERENT SUBJECTS OR POINTS IN RECENT HISTORY.

LET’S RETURN TO MORE OF THE WIKI DEFINITION OF MODERNISM: “Modernism rejected the lingering certainty of Enlightenment thinking and also rejected the existence of a compassionate, all-powerful Creator God[8][9] in favor of the abstract, unconventional, largely uncertain ethic brought on by modernity, initiated around the turn of century by rapidly changing technology and further catalyzed by the horrific consequences of World War One on the cultural psyche of artists.”

FIRST YOU’LL NOTICE HOW THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE TODAY, AND SECOND YOU’LL NOTICE HOW POST-MODERNISM THINKS IT IS SO CENTERED AROUND THE FUNDAMENTAL NOTION OF CERTAINTY AND DEFYING TRADITIONAL AESTHETICS.

THINK ABOUT IT. JUST HOW IN THE HELL IS POST-MODERNISM MOVING AWAY FROM MODERNISM?

FOR EXAMPLE, THE GOAL OF MODERNIST ABSTRACT ART WASN’T JUST TO SAY “ART CAN BE ABSTRACT!” BUT TO SAY “ART CAN BE ANYTHING.” THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT THEY WERE TRYING TO DO, TO INVERT OUR CONCEPTION OF WHAT IT COULD BE. AND THE PROOF WAS THAT PEOPLE SAT AROUND AND LOOKED AT MODERN ART AND ASKED “IS THIS ART?” THE PROOF IS IN THE PROVERBIAL PUDDING. THEY HAD THE EXACT SAME CONCERNS AS TODAY’S MODERNIST CULTURE AND THE DIALOGUE CENTERED AROUND THE LANGUAGE WAS THE EXACT SAME IN IT’S NATURE.

SO WHEN AN ARTIST TODAY MAKES A FOUND OBJECT SCULPTURE, OR SOME IDIOT PUTS A CROSS IN A JAR OF PEE AND SAYS “IT’S POST-MODERN” BECAUSE THEY’RE INVERTING THE CONCEPT OF WHAT ART CAN BE, THEY’RE LITERALLY DO THE EXACT SAME THING IN THE EXACT SAME GOAL AS MODERNISM. YES, OF COURSE, FOUND-OBJECT ART IS DIFFERENT FORM THAN ABSTRACT PAINTING, BUT JUST BECAUSE IT COMES LATER IN THE MOVEMENT DOESN’T MEAN IT’S NECESSARILY DIFFERENT. IT’S NOT EVEN A DISTINCTION. THINK ABOUT IT. THE FOUND-OBJECT SCULPTURE IS NOT SAYING SOMETHING AGAINST ABSTRACTION. THEY’RE DOING THE SAME THING IN A DIFFERENT, LATER ART FORM. THAT’S IT.

THE TRUTH IS WE REALLY HAVEN’T MOVED PAST MODERNISM.

FOR EXAMPLE, IN TERMS OF LITERATURE, JAMES JOYCE’S ULYSSES AND FINNEGAN’S WAKE ARE CONSIDERED THE SEMINAL WORKS OF MODERNISM (PRETTY MUCH ALL JOYCE, REALLY(2)). BUT THERE NOT A SINGLE CONCEPT, FORM, OR IDEA USED IN POST-MODERN LIT THAT CAN’T BE FOUND IN THOSE BOOKS. AGAIN, THOSE BOOKS WHICH ARE USED TO DEFINE LITERARY MODERNISM. REALLY, IT’S TRUE. YET TIME AND TIME AGAIN HULK SEE PEOPLE REFERRING TO POST-MODERN ART AND LITERATURE: THE WORK OF ANDY WARHOL. TIM HAWKINSON. THOMAS PYNCHON. DAVID FOSTER WALLACE. THERE NOTHING POST-MODERN ABOUT ANY OF THEM, BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING THAT ISN’T MODERNIST ABOUT ANY OF THEM. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? HULK WANT BE SURE THIS MAKES SENSE. AND KEEP IN MIND HULK ADORES ALL THOSE PEOPLE, BUT THEY JUST CURRENT MODERNISTS STRIVING TOWARD THEIR OWN PARTICULAR BRAND OF IDEAS.

SO WHAT GIVES? HOW THIS ACADEMIC + POPULAR MISCONCEPTION KEEP HAPPENING?

HULK BELIEVE THE ANSWER COMES FROM A COMPLETELY UNFAIR PRACTICE: THE RETRO-ACTIVE CHANGING OF THE DEFINITION OF MODERNISM TO REMOVE ANYTHING WITH SO-CALLED POST-MODERN LEANINGS.

LOOK, HULK UNDERSTAND THAT ALMOST EVERY HISTORICAL LABEL IS A BROAD STROKE TO IT’S SUBJECT. NEO-CLASSIC WRITERS WEREN’T SITTING AROUND THINKING ABOUT FALLING IN LINE WITH THE RULES OF THEIR CURRENT ERA. THAT WOULD BE ABSURD. AS SUCH, THERE A DEGREE TO WHICH WE CAN REVISE HISTORICAL GROUPINGS OF PEOPLE TO MAKE SENSE OF CONCEPTUAL TRENDS. BUT THIS MODERNISM/POST-MODERINISM SCRAMBLE IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT. THIS IS STRAIGHT UP MIS-CHARACTERIZATION. GO BACK AND LOOK AT THE TWO DEFINITIONS OF MODERNISM AND POST-MODERNISM. TO BE HONEST, IT’S LIKE POST-MODERNISM NEVER EVEN BOTHERED LOOKING UP THE REAL DEFINITION OF MODERNISM.

THE WAY IT IS STATED, POST-MODERNISM STRIKES HULK AS NOTHING MORE THAN THE BASIC INTERPRETATION/GOAL OF MODERNISM, TAKEN TO IT’S FURTHEST LOGICAL/CONCEPTUAL POINT. IT IS A CONTINUATION. AN EXTENSION. AND THERE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING “POST” ABOUT IT.

HULK FLOATED THE IDEA THAT MODERNISM AND POST-MODERNISM WHERE SAYING THE SAME EXACT THING IN THE SAME EXACT WAY  ON TWITTER (SPECIFICALLY THE JOYCE POINT, ALBEIT IN TRUNCATED FORM) AND PEOPLE RESPONDED ONCE AGAIN. PLEASE NOTICE THAT MOST OF THE REACTIONS ARE COMING FROM A PLACE OF GENUINE CARE AND THOUGH, BUT ALSO NOTICE THE RANGE OF ANSWERS:

otakucomics Otaku Comics (Gerry)

Mod = peeling artichoke and enjoying the heart lament the waste Pomo = peeling onion, nothing in center, but fuck it, eat.

not familiar enough with FW, but always thought it was more mod. Crying of Lot 49 is true Pomo.

TheLazy1 Lara P.

Well, they are similar but mainly b/c postmodernism is really a consequence of modernism.

Modernism asked questions to which it sought logical answers. Postmodernism recognized there were no answers.

bg_ohthehorror Brett G.

I think post-modernism is just a little more cheeky/cognizant of meta concerns.

Not that modernism wasn’t meta (FINNEGANS WAKE is a good example), but it generally let the art stand.

But really, I think we feel to need to constantly categorize things as eras wear on. What are we in now? Post-post-post mod?

Smile_cat Elizabeth

Excellent points, but self-identification should not be discounted. If Pomo people say they not Mod, not fair to say they are.

nuitsilencieuse Tim Baumann

Modernism got interrupted by history the way that no other critical movement has been, I think. That’s why it seems that way.

zackschuster Zack Schuster

Postmodernism is different in attitude than Modernism, but not in technique.

What would you call the era we’re in right now? Neomodernist or Post-postmodern? Or something else?

Kilgoar Billy d0x Walshe

Hulk, we can’t arrive at absolute truth because of sensory and lingual barriers.

Jarimor Scott Hawkes

Post-modernism only works until it explains itself through semantic slight of hand, devouring itself with its infallibility

Post-Modernism it is an attempt to plug self-explaining logic into Modernism in order to make it all-encompassing, a fallacy

bg_ohthehorror Brett G.

Oddly enough, wouldn’t post-modernism be the one type of movement that would point itself out?

Carpie2112 Jesse A Carp

I remember discussing post-mod in every class the first two years of uni… by year four it was no longer a ‘valid’ concept.

B_Kritz Bryan Kritz

It doesn’t exist in reality and can never be fully formed. Same as tomorrow, when you are there it’s today. 🙂

Sam_Strange Sam Strange

my take, and still based primarily on Shakespeare: good postmodernism is an artistic reaction to precedent…

done well, pm storytelling forges new storytelling methods by knowingly diverting from normal narrative paths.

it’s a narrative response to the art form, but not a textual one. I think this is the difference between pm and meta.

warmandpunchy John Cameron

not sure about this – modernism carried with it a certain volume of conservatism as well (in lit anyways)

vs. postmodernism which in multivalent perspective + voice opened doors for feminist/marxist/etc thought in arts

viously an oversimplification but i’d argue that modernism was about style vs. postmodernism being about substance

which it should be pointed out is not hierarchical – contemporary art/thought has benefited from both in fairly equal measure

XtianHardy Christian Hardy

In many ways Moderism became THE method of delivering literary realism see also: viriginia woolf #tryharder

for more info on Post-Modernism see the 1980s-90s, they want their critical theory back

Finnigan’s Wake is post-Ulysses however, which is the arch-text of literary modernism. So yes in a way, FW is post-modern.

Why am I arguing about modernism with the Hulk? Isn’t he supposed to be all smashy-smashy? I suspect @FilmCritHULK is really the Grey Hulk.

AND LASTLY:

tomnomnomnom Doctor Tom

Completely disagree with this logic if you’re attempting to conflate ideals of modernism and postmodernism into one thing.

This is akin to saying that Saussure and Bakhtin because they operated under a mechanism of broad questions and disentangling

…these problems of language and text that they invented and solidified the same theories. This is obviously problematic.

Modernism is concerned with the process of the loss of humanity, the process of the loss of dignity, process of the loss…

of the familiar, of language, of Narrative. Po-mo exploits the lacuna left over as a means to re-create this idealized loss

I would point you to a comparison of Ulysses and House of Leaves – or L’Eclisse to Slacker. #toobigfortwitter

TO BE FAIR TO THESE RESPONSES, HULK WAS TALKING IN BROAD STROKES ON TWITTER (AS THEY WERE) AND COULDN’T EXPLAIN HULK’S THEORY AS IN DEPTH AS ABOVE, BUT NOTICE THE FREQUENT ISSUES OF POST-MODERNISM DEFINITIONS THAT SAY THE SAME AS MODERNISM, ETC. AND HULK COULD RESPOND TO EACH ONE OF THESE TWEETS AND SAY WHY HULK DISAGREE BUT THAT WOULD BE SILLY AND A RELATIVE WASTE OF TIME. HULK JUST WANTED YOU TO THE FULL RANGE OF DIFFERENT RESPONSES. SUFFICE TO SAY, HULK NEVER GOT AN ANSWER THAT CONFIRMS THE TWO ARE DIFFERENT WITHOUT RADICALLY AND UNFAIRLY LIMITING THE SCALE/INTENT/INTERESTS OF MODERNISM.

PROBLEM #3 – BOTH PERIODS ARE POORLY NAMED

IN SOME WAYS, THE VAST MAJORITY OF PROBLEMS STEM FROM THE FACT WE CALLED MODERNISM “MODERNISM” AND NOT SOMETHING MORE SPECIFIC. PROBLEMS INCLUDE: A) IT’S A VAGUE TERM TO BEGIN WITH UNLIKE, SAY, “ROMANTICISM” WHICH VERY SPECIFIC AND DESCRIPTIVE PHRASE. B) THE WORD “MODERNISM” EXPLICITLY BEGS TO BE THOUGHT OF AS WHATEVER TREND IS CURRENT. AND C) THEN CALLING THIS NEW PERIOD POST-MODERNISM IS LIKE CALLING “WHATEVER IS AFTER THAT ALREADY BROAD, VAGUE THING. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT REALLY, AS LONG AS IT’S AFTER.” … YEAH WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT THE PHRASE “POST-MODERNISM” IS QUITE POSSIBLE THE MOST THOROUGHLY INACCURATE NAME FOR A TREND EVER.

SO YEAH, THIS ISN’T A LONG PROBLEM TO DISCUSS, BUT STILL NOTEWORTHY.

PROBLEM #4 – WE’RE TOO CLOSE TO “IT” TO BE LABELING ANYTHING

THE BALL DIDN’T DROP AND ALL OF SUDDEN EVERYONE CHEERED “YAY, IT’S THE RENAISSANCE!”

IT IMPLICITLY TAKES HINDSIGHT TO SEE A TREND. TO SEE WHAT STRIKES A CHORD IN OUR CULTURE (OUTSIDE OF ECONOMIC IMMEDIACY). HULK KNOW SOCIETY IS SO INTERCONNECTED TODAY AND TRENDS MOVE SO FAST (INTENET MEMES CAN BECOME BORING WITHIN… MINUTES?) SO SOMETIMES IT’S BETTER TO WORK WITH FORMS OF ART THAT ARE MORE READILY APPARENT THAN PAINTING, OR LITERATURE. MOVIES ARE ACTUALLY A GREAT EXAMPLE. WHY? BECAUSE THEY’RE SO EXPENSIVE SO THERE IS LESS CONTENT AND ARE SUCH A NEW ARTFORM (ONLY JUST OVER 100 YEARS OLD) THAT THERE IS A MUCH SHORTER TIMELINE TO INTERACT WITH, MAKING IT SO MUCH EASIER TO PUT THE PIECES OF INFLUENCE + HISTORY TOGETHER. FOR EXAMPLE: AMERICAN NOIR WAS A DIRECT RESULT OF GERMAN EXPRESSIONISM. ITALIAN NEOREALISM WAS A DIRECT RESULT OF ALL THE SOUNDSTAGES IN ITALY BEING DESTROYED IN WORLD WAR II. STUFF LIKE THAT. NONE OF THEM REALIZED AT THE TIME THEY WERE PART OF ANY MOVEMENT (THE FRENCH NEW WAVE MAY HAVE BEEN CONSCIOUS THAT THEY WERE PART OF “SOMETHING NEW AND DIFFERENT” BUT THEY DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THEIR LEGACY AND TIES WERE UNTIL A FEW YEARS LATER). EVEN WITH SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS BLOATED 90’S ACTION CINEMA IT WAS JUST CONSIDERED THE “CURRENT” AESTHETIC AT THE TIME, BUT WHEN WE LOOK BACK WE CAN SEE THE OBVIOUS AND INANE TREND.

THIS NOT TO IMPLY THAT THIS OVER-WILLINGNESS TO LABEL CURRENT TRENDS RUNS COUNTER TO HULK’S BELIEF THAT “CLARITY OF DEFINITION” REALLY IMPORTANT. THERE HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LABELING A SPECIFIC THING TO TRY AND GET TO THE HEART OF WHAT IT’S DOING/SAYING, AND THE INCLINATION TO HAPHAZARDLY LUMP SOMETING IT INTO SOME GLOBAL ALL ENCOMPASSING TREND. FOR EXAMPLE OF WHAT HULK MEANS BY THAT, HULK WOULD FEEL VERY COMPELLED TO TRY AND EXPLAIN/DEFINE WHAT CUARON’S “Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN” MEANS IN A SINGLE SENTENCE. BUT HULK WOULD FEEL LESS COMPELLED TO EXPLAIN WHAT THE LATIN AMERICAN “NEUVA WAVE” MEANS IN A SINGLE SENTENCE. MAKE SENSE?

WHAT’S FUNNY IS THAT THIS “GLOBAL TREND” POINT JUST HIGHLIGHTS THE IRONY THAT POST-MODERNISM THINKS IT DISMISSES THE NOTION OF GLOBAL TRENDS, AND YET ITSELF, CAN ONLY EXIST AS GLOBAL TREND. IF THEY DO NOT, THEN POST-MODERNISM IS JUST NOTHING MORE THAN  STRUCTURAL NIHILISM OR CHAOS THEORY.

SO IF POST-MODERNISM IS WHATEVER THIS “CURRENT” ART FORM/CULTURE TREND IS, THAN TO LABEL SOMETHING AS POST-MODERN IS, AT BEST, GETTING AHEAD OF ONE SELF, OR AT WORST, TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ALL-INCLUSIVE BUZZWORDISM.

LABELING IS WEIRD. ONCE WE FOR REAL IN SOMETHING ELSE CULTURALLY (PROBABLY WHEN A TECHNOLOGICAL/SOCIETAL SHIFT DRAMATICALLY AFFECTS THE PRODUCT OF ART, LIKE IF WORLD WAR 3 HAPPENS,  THE ECONOMY DIES, OR SOMETHING MORE INNOCENT LIKE IF WE STOP PUTTING BOOKS ON PAPER), THEN THE REALITY OF WHATEVER THE HELL WE THOUGHT POST-MODERNISM WAS, WILL BE OBVIOUS. (3)

PROBLEM #5 – IT CAN’T EXIST BY IT’S OWN DEFINITION.

THIS ONE A LITTLE BULLSHITTY, BUT ONE OF THE DEEPEST PROBLEMS OF POSTER-MODERNISM IS THAT IT TECHNICALLY CAN’T EXIST. POST MODERNISM BELIEVES THAT THERE NO OBJECTIVE TRUTH, AND ALL CONSTRUCTS ARE RELATIVE. BUT BY PRODUCING A WORK THAT IS “POST-MODERN” EVEN IN IT’S REFERENTIAL STATE, YOU ARE STILL CREATING A DEFINITE CONSTRUCT. EVEN BY WRITING DOWN THIS IDEA, HULK MAKING A CONSTRUCT. THIS MEANS THAT (TECHNICALLY) YOU CAN’T WRITE A POST-MODERN BOOK AND CALL IT A BOOK. YOU CAN’T CREATE POST-MODERN ART AND CALL IT ART.

IT SORT OF A SCHROEDENGERS CAT THING, BUT IT PROOF THAT ANY ATTEMPT TO EVEN BE AMBIVALENT ABOUT OBJECTIVE TRUTH, IS THEREFORE TRYING TO MAKE A DEFINITIVE STATEMENT THAT TRUTH IS OBJECTIVE.

HOORAY FOR PARADOXES.

AND HULK JUST KNOW PEOPLE WOULD IMMEDIATELY JUMP ON HULK’S/SOCIETIES INABILITY TO DEFINE POST-MODERNISM AS PROOF THAT POST-MODERNISM EXISTS BECAUSE THAT WHAT IT SAYING, THINGS CAN’T BE DEFINED, BUT THAT, IS ACTUALLY, IDIOTIC BECAUSE IT RUNS DIRECTLY COUNTER TO THE POINT HULK JUST MADE. IT DOESN’T MAKE POST-MODERNISM “POST-MODERN” IT MAKES WHAT THEY THINK “POST-MODERNISM” IS, MERELY A REFLEXIVE STATEMENT… THAT IT.

OOOH AND THERE’S ANOTHER GOOD PARADOX TOO. HULK’S FAVORITE PART OF THE POST-MODERNISM DISCUSSION IS WHEN PEOPLE CALL SOMETHING POST-MODERN BECAUSE IT EMBRACES THE “NEW MYTH” AND USES MODERNIST CONSTRUCTS TO REBUILD AN OLD GENRE, LIKE A TRADITIONAL ROMANCE OR SOMETHING. THIS IS HILARIOUS BECAUSE SAYING THAT POST-MODERNISM IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO BUILD A NEW-MYTH TRUTH IS THE EXACT OPPOSTITE OF THE SUPPOSED POST-MODERN DEFINITION. THERE’S A FURTHER IRONY, THAT THEY ARE PROBABLY MAKING THIS STATEMENT BECAUSE BUILDING THE “NEW MYTH” IS GENUINELY A REACTION TO MODERNISM (WHICH TO INCLUDES POST-MODERNISM IN HULK’S EYES) THUS MAKING THE IT A GENUINELY “POST-MODERN” CONCEPT! WHICH MEANS THAT IS WHAT WE SHOULD BE DEFINING POST-MODERN AS! (IF WE’RE GOING TO USE THAT HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PHRASE).

ALL WE’D NEED TO DO IS FIGURE THE CONSTRUCT OF THOUGHT THAT ALL LINES UP.

MAYBE IT COULD BE NEO-ROMANTICISM. OR NEO-HUMANISM. HELL, HULK COULD TOTALLY ARGUE WE GOING THROUGH A NEO-RELIGIOUS ARTISTIC MOVE (ONE THAT HASN’T REALLY BEEN ALL THAT REFLECTED IN ART). THE POINT IS WE WONT’ KNOW IF IT’S PART OF ANOTHER SIGNIFICANT TREND UNTIL SOME TIME HAS PAST. BUT IN THE MEANTIME? YOU CAN CALL IT NEO-ROMANTIC PIECE THAT USES MODERNIST LANGUAGE. AND GUESS WHAT? THAT’S A TOTALLY MORE ACCURATE WAY TO DESCRIBE THAN CALLING IT “POST-MODERN.” WHICH, IN CASE HULK HASN’T MADE IT TOTALLY CLEAR AT THIS POINT, COULD FUCKING MEAN ANYTHING.

DAVID FOSTER WALLACE’S RECENT UNFINISHED BOOK IS A MODERNIST APPROACH TO THE MEMOIR. EVERYONE THROWS OUT THE WORD POST-MODERN TO DESCRIBE  IT (AND TO BE FAIR, IT DOES FEEL QUITE REVOLUTIONARY AND NEW) BUT TO DESCRIBE LIKE THAT WOULD ALSO BE VERY, VERY WRONG. IT’S A MODERNIST APPROACH TO THE MEMOIR, THAT MIGHT BE, VERY NEO-HUMANISTIC.

ULTIMATELY, POST-MODERNISM IS SO FUCKING EITHERAL AND VAGUE WHY HAS NO ONE EVER STOPPED AND SAID, “YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS REALLY STUPID. WE’RE TRYING TO LUMP A LOT OF CONCEPTS INTO A SINGULAR THING THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE, AND WORSE ARE THEORY ITSELF ARGUES AGAINST EVEN DOING SO.  AND MAYBE THIS IDEA DISAPPEAR UP IT’S OWN ASSHOLE SO FAST THAT CALLING SOMETHING POST-MODERN IS TO INSTANTLY SAY ‘I HAVE NO WAY OF DEVELOPING THIS IDEA IN CONCRETE TERMS SO I’M GOING TO USE A BULLSHIT PHRASE’ OR ‘I DON’T WANT TO USE CATEGORIZATIONS THAT HAVE BEEN AROUND FOREVER SO I’M GOING TO MAKE UP A NEW ONE THAT CAN’T BE DEFINED.'”

OKAY… THAT’S SUPER HARSH… HULK SORRY. BUT BEYOND THAT, THE WHOLE REVOLUTIONARY IDEA OF WHAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO GAIN FROM POST-MODERNISM IS, QUITE FRANKLY, FUCKING OBVIOUS. OF COURSE CONSTRUCTS ARE A FUCKING FABRICATION. OF COURSE WE SHOULDN’T TAKE THEM LITERALLY. BUT CONSTRUCTS ARE WHAT WE USE TO HOLD UP SOCIETIES. THEY ARE, QUITE FRANKLY, THE MOST NECESSARY THING ABOUT OUR HUMAN BRAINS BECAUSE THEY ALLOW US TO MOVE BEYOND CLUBBING EACH OTHER OVER THE HEAD AND STEALING EACH OTHER’S WALLETS.

THE PART OF THIS RANT LABELED A “CONCLUSION”

WHAT PERHAPS REALLY TOUGH ABOUT THIS, IS THAT HULK JUST CAN’T GO AROUND CALLING SOMETHING “MODERNIST” WHEN WE LIVE IN A CULTURE THAT THINKS THIS VAGUE POST-MODERNISM IS ACTUALLY A THING. IT’S LIKE TRYING TO PAY AT THE CORNER STORE WITH MONOPOLY MONEY, MODERN ACADEMIA IS JUST FUCKING USING THE PHRASE AND THAT MIGHT BE THAT.

BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW, HULK BEEN ARGUING WITH THOSE ACADEMIC TYPES FOR YEARS ABOUT THIS (MANY WILL LIKELY TAKE ISSUE WITH THIS ARTICLE TOO). BUT ALL THAT’S REQUIRED TO MAKE IT WORK WITH THE OTHER ACADEMIC TYPES IS FOR HULK TO MAKE HULK’S USE OF THE LANGUAGE RATHER WELL-KNOWN AT FIRST BEFORE QUALIFYING.

AND HULK, QUITE OBVIOUSLY, NOT THE FIRST ONE TO EVER SUGGEST POST-MODERNISM NOT A THING, NOR HULK EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO DOING IT AS GOOD AS SOME EXPERTS. IN FACT, HULK REALLY NOT HAPPY WITH THIS EXPLANATION. IT WHOLLY INCOMPLETE AND HULK MAKE WAY TOO MANY UNQUALIFIED STATEMENTS. BUT HULK SHOULD REALLY BE ABLE TO WRITE A COLUMN THAT NOT 12,000 WORDS. AND BESIDES, THIS HAS BEEN THE LEAST FUN COLUMN HULK HAS EVER WRITTEN SO THE THE IDEA OF WRITING ABOUT POST-MODERNISM FOR EVEN ANOTHER PAGE OR SO ENOUGH TO DRIVE HULK TO THE BRINK OF MADNESS.

HONESTLY, IT NOT THAT HARD TO DO.

ALL HULK REALLY WANTED OUT OF THIS WAS FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT THE SUBJECT A LITTLE BE… TO NOT USE PHRASES WITH A LACK OF CLARITY… TO NOT USE THE TERM “POST-MODERN” WITH SUCH DEFINITIVENESS… AND TO MAYBE BE A LITTLE MORE SKEPTICAL WHENEVER SOMEONE USING THE TERM.

AND BESIDES, HULK THINK OVER-LONG CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FORM ITSELF = ABSOLUTELY THE MOST BORING CONVERSATIONS ONE COULD HAVE. THEY JUST NOT THAT IMPORTANT CULTURALLY, NOR DOES HULK THINK THEY’RE THAT IMPORTANT ACADEMICALLY (QUALIFYING LITERARY DOCTORATES AND REQUIREMENT OF “NEW” LEADS TO MOST OF THE PROBLEMS HERE). HULK KNOW LOTS OF PEOPLE DISAGREE. BUT HULK THINK IT REALLY NOT THAT IMPORTANT COMPARED TO ACTUAL INTENT OF SUBJECT.

THERE A GOOD/SUPER-ON-THE-NOSE SCENE IN A DEAD POET’S SOCIETY WHERE THEY READ FROM A PASSAGE ABOUT CHARTING THE “IMPORTANCE” OF A POEM. IT’S VERY SQUARE AND STUPID AND THE REJECTION OF THIS CONCEPT OBVIOUS. BUT IN ANOTHER WAY, THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY, REJECTING OVERT CARE ABOUT THE SEMANTICS OF FORM. AND TO HULK, THE POST-MODERN DISCUSSION IS NOTHING BUT THE OVERT CARE ABOUT THE SEMANTICS OF FORM. BY TALKING TOO MUCH ABOUT THE FORM/POLITICS OF MODERNISM/POST-MODERNISM WE ARE ACTUALLY DOING THE SAME THING, STRANGLING THE VERY THING THAT IS CRITICAL TO OUR HUMAN OPERATION.  HULK THINK IT’S DOING A GREAT DISSERVICE TO THE PIECE OF ART. WHAT MAKES DAVID FOSTER WALLACE GREAT IS NOT THAT HE FRACTURES A NARRATIVE. HULK LOVED WALLACE BECAUSE CARED ABOUT OUR CULTURE DIRECTION IN A DEEP AND PROFOUND WAY. THAT’S THE CONVERSATION HULK WANTS TO HAVE.

SAY WHAT YOU WILL, BUT TO HULK? POST-MODERNISM… YEAH… NOT A THING

… BUT IF POST-MODERNISM IS A THING HULK PRETTY SURE IT MAYBE ONLY EXIST IN ARCHITECTURE… OR MARIA BAMFORD.

BAMFORD!

ENDNOTES:

(1) YES, ALL IDEAS SHOULD HAVE A CRUX. AND YES, HULK FULLY AWARE THAT POST-MODERNISM ARGUES THAT SUCH SINGULAR DEFINITIONS ARE FALSE, BUT THE FACT THAT IT CAN’T MAKE THAT ARGUMENT IN A SINGLE SENTENCE ODDLY ENOUGH PROVES HULK’S RELATIVE POINT: POST-MODERNISM ISN’T EVEN THAT GOOD AT WHAT IT’S TRYING TO NEBULOUSLY EXPLAIN.

(2)IF YOU EVER WANT TO TEACH KIDS JOYCE AND ALSO KEEP THEM AWAKE, TEACH PORTRAIT OF AN ARTIST AS A YOUNG MAN. YOU SORTA NEED TO BE IN YOUR TWENTIES TO TACKLE ANYTHING ELSE BY HIM.

(3) HULK SHOULD POSSIBLY QUALIFY THAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT AMERICAN/WESTERN CIVILIZATION HERE. CULTURAL TRENDS ARE, WELL, RATHER DIFFERENT SORT OF DISCUSSION IN FIRST WORLD CHINA OR THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES.

RANDOM ENDNOTE #1: LOTS PEOPLE CLAIM SHAKESPEARE THE FIRST MODERNIST. POST-MODERNISTS CLAIM HE THE FIRST POST-MODERNISM (EVERYONE WANTS A PIECE OF SHAKESPEARE. HE THAT GOOD). PLAYING THE LEAD IN THE TEMPEST, IN THAT ROLE, THAT NOT POST-MODERN?

HULK READ ANOTHER BOOK! WHY A DANCE WITH DRAGONS BOTH A VAST IMPROVEMENT AND YET UTTER PROOF THE BOOKS WILL NEVER BE GOOD AGAIN

THE OLD ADAGE ABOUT IRISH PLAYS IS THAT THEY COULD END AT ANY POINT IN THE STORY AND IT WOULDN’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

WE OFFICIALLY HAVE THE IRISH PLAYS OF FANTASY LITERATURE.

FIRST OFF, A DANCE WITH DRAGONS, THE FIFTH BOOK IN GEORGE R.R. MARTIN’S SONG OF ICE AND FIRE SERIES, IS MUCH, MUCH BETTER THAN ITS PREDECESSOR A FEAST FOR CROWS. BUT IN THE INTEREST OF BEING A COMPLETE DICK, SO ARE MOST THINGS.(1) BUT THAT OKAY. HULK WILL TAKE A MARKED IMPROVEMENT OVER REGRESSION ANY DAY OF WEEK.

PERHAPS THE SINGULAR REASON THE NEW BOOK SO MUCH BETTER THAT WE NOW BACK WITH ALL THE GOOD CHARACTERS: DAENERYS, TYRION, JON SNOW, THAT OTHER GUY(2), AND HEY THEON’S BACK! YOU REMEMBER ALL THOSE CHARACTERS, RIGHT? THE ONES WITH PERSONALITY AND RANGE OF EMOTION AND THE STUFF THAT MAKES US WANT READ THINGS. FUCK, EVEN BRAN HAS SOME NICE PARTS IN THIS ONE.

BUT MR. MARTIN GOES ONE BETTER THAN MERELY BRINGING THEM BACK AND ACTUALLY GIVES THEM STUFF TO DO! HE EVEN HAS THE GALL TO MAKE CHAPTERS HAVE RELATIVE POINTS, FURTHER DEVELOP HIS CHARACTERS, AND ADVANCE THE PLOT. SERIOUSLY! HULK KNOW! AFTER THE CROWS DISASTER HE ALMOST MAKES THE CONCEPT OF NARRATIVE FEEL REVOLUTIONARY.

FOR INSTANCE, THE BEST PART OF DRAGONS THAT TYRION’S JOURNEY = AN ACTUAL JOURNEY. EACH ONE OF HIS CHAPTERS FOCUS ON NEW PART OF HIS TRAVELS, OFTEN WITH NEW, INTERESTING CHARACTERS BEING INVOLVED. THERE CONSTANT THREATS TO HIS PERSON YET EACH CHAPTER  FEEL UNIQUE IN WAY THAT MAKE THE WHOLE THING WORK. AND THE INCLUSION OF PENNY EVEN SEEMS TO ORGANICALLY CHANGE HIS CHARACTER’S STUBBORN AND SELF-CENTERED VIEWPOINT… A BIT. (3) BEST YET, EACH ONE OF HIS CHAPTERS IMBUED WITH REAL NARRATIVE DIRECTION. IT BY FAR THE BEST PART OF THE BOOK.

THEN THERE DAENERYS(4) WHO AT THE END OF A STORM OF SWORDS STAYED TO RULE MEREEN AND NOW WE GET TO SEE WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WITH ALL THAT. HULK WAS HONESTLY EXCITED ABOUT PROSPECT. DANY’S TRANSITION FROM HER MEEK START IN A GAME OF THRONES THROUGH HER RISE TO GLORY AT THE END OF SWORDS BY FAR THE BEST THING ABOUT THE BOOKS. HER CHARACTER HAVE THE BEST ARC OUT OF ANYONE AND IT SUPER-DUPER COMPELLING.(5)

BUT REALLY WHAT WONDERFUL HOW MUCH DANY’S CHAPTERS SET HER APART FROM WHAT MARTIN DID WITH CERSEI’S RULE IN CROWS. DANY’S RULE LITTERED WITH INTRIGUE, THREATS, DEATH, AFFAIRS, BABY-EATING AND OTHER INTERESTING STUFF. PLUS, IT A SURPRISINGLY NICE TAKE ON THE COMPLEXITY OF RULING POLITICS. MEANWHILE, CERSEI’S RULE PRETTY MUCH JUST COMPRISED HER SAYING BITCHY THINGS IN HER MIND AND NOT REALLY DOING MUCH OF ANYTHING. THEN WE JUST WATCH THAT IDIOT TUMBLE IN SLOW MOTION AFTER A SERIES OF BORING, REALLY STUPID HIRES/MOVES. HULK COULD BUY ALL THIS AS WAY OF SHOWING HOW DANY COMPETENT AND CERSEI NOT, BUT THAT A BIT OF A STRETCH (THERE’S NO JUXTAPOSITION AND NO ECONOMY). AND BEST OF ALL, WHEN DANY’S RULE STARTS TO BLOW UP IN ALL SORTS OF DRAGON-Y GOODNESS, SER BARRISTAN WHIPS OUT HIS HUGE GONADS AND STARTS TAKING CARE OF SHIT. IT GREAT.

JON SNOW HAS SOME NICE POLITICKING AT THE WALL TOO. HULK ACTUALLY HUGE FAN OF HIS MOVES ON THE WALL, UNDERSTANDING THAT THE WILDLINGS HAVE TO COME OVER BECAUSE EVERY LIVING BODY ON THAT SIDE OF THE WALL JUST A WIGHT/ENEMY WAITING TO HAPPEN. SO HULK LIKED IT ALL HONESTLY. THE GIANTS. THE WILDINGS. THE BANK GUY. HIS PLAN WITH MANCE. THE RESENTING MEMBERS OF THE NIGHTS WATCH. AND THEN… WELL… WE’LL GET TO HIS ENDING LATER.

AND THEON! THEON’S BACK EVERYONE! REMEMBER THEON! THAT IMPORTANT CHARACTER WHO ALL BUT FUCKING DISAPPEARED FOR SOME REASON HULK CAN NO EVEN REMEMBER? WELL, HE BACK! AND HE NUTS. NOT LIKE NUTS = AWESOME, BUT LIKE NUTS = CRAZY PERSON. TURNS OUT HE BEEN LEFT IN DOWN RAMSEY BOLTON’S DUNGEON TO STARVE AND BE FLAYED AND ALL SORTS OF OTHER HORROR. HE MISSING FINGERS AND TEETH AND THINGS. ANYCRAP, HE NOW RETURNED TO BE AN INTEGRAL PART OF ALMOST EVERY SINGLE THING GOING ON THIS BOOK… IT SORT OF WEIRD.

OH, AND THEON ALSO GETS TO HAVE THE OBLIGATORY STUPID, REPETITIVE GEORGE R.R. MARTIN-ISM THIS GO-ROUND WITH HIS WHOLE “REEK, REEK, IT RHYMES WITH ____” THING … IT ANNOYING BUT AT LEAST IT NOT ABOUT NIPPLES.

EVEN BRAN DOING STUFF! THERE ACTUALLY A PRETTY GNARLY WIGHT ATTACK AND THEN HE GET TO DO SOME PRETTY COOL THINGS IN A CAVE WHERE HE SEE THE WORLD NOW THROUGH A BIG TREE… HULK SERIOUS. HE HOOKIN UP WITH THE CHILDREN OF THE FOREST AND IT ALL TIGHT + ECONOMICAL + MYTHOLOGY-INVOLVED. PLUS HE GETS MOMENT THAT REMINDS HULK OF THE BEST ONION BY-LINE EVER WRITTEN.

AND DAMMIT IF THE RE-INTRODUCTION OF VARYS ISN’T THE BOOK’S SAVING THROW.

PLUS THERE A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE! LIKE THE TOAD-LIKE MARTELL PRINCE WHO SORTA DUMB AND SWEET, BUT HAS ONE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BAD IDEA. THEN ANOTHER TARGARYEN HEIR SHOWS UP. AND HE WITH SOME COOL, OLD GUY CALLED THE GRIFFIN. PLUS THERE BUNCH OF OF PEOPLE FROM LAST BOOK WHO SHOW UP:  STANNIS HAS REALLY NEAT IDEA TO ROUND UP THE HIGHLAND CLANS FOR HIS WAR, BUT THEN THINKS HE CAN MARCH THROUGH A BLIZZARD. ARYA GOES THROUGH THIS BLINDNESS TEST, STARTS TO GET HER WARG ON, GETS EMBRACED BY HER FACE-CHANGING CULT, AND THEN KILLS A DUDE. AND JEYNE POOL GETS A REALLY, REALLY, REALLY AWFUL COMEUPPANCE FOR PRETENDING TO BE  ARYA. PLUS SOME OTHER STUFF!

AND THAT WHY HULK REALLY FELT THIS ONE AN IMPROVEMENT OVER LAST ONE. STUFF HAPPENS! IT A LOT OF IT = SIGNIFICANT, IMPORTANT, INTERESTING, AND GOOD.

GEORGE R.R. HAPPY!

BUT…

THERE STILL THE BIG PROBLEMS…THE KIND OF PROBLEMS THAT ENSURE THAT A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE WILL ULTIMATELY JUST END UP A ZERO SUM GAME.

LET’S FACE IT FOLKS. THERE NEVER GOING TO BE A COHESIVE NARRATIVE TO THIS FUCKER. MARTIN KEEPS ARRANGING ELEMENTS WHERE WE GO “COOL! NOW THIS SET UP NARRATIVE TO ALL CLASH TOGETHER AND CREATE INTERESTING CONFLICTS.” BUT NO. THAT NOT HAPPEN. THINGS NEVER LINE UP. OUR CHARACTERS NEVER GET TO FACE THE CONFLICTS THEY SEEK. THINGS FIZZLE OUT. SOMETHING COMPLETELY RANDOM COMES IN THE WAY. AND AS RESULT ALL DRAMATIC TENSION RELEASED.

THEY STORIES SOMEHOW MANAGE TO BE COMPLETELY MYOPIC (HE SO FOCUSED ON DIVING INTO THE SCENE AT HAND THAT HE LOSE TRACK OF THE NARRATIVE STEAM HAPPENING ELSEWHERE IN THE STORY) AND YET HE ALSO AIM FOR SOME REALLY STRANGE LONG-FORM REVEALS. HULK GUESS HE JUST TRYING TO RAM HOME THE LENNON-ESQUE BELIEVE THAT “LIFE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE MAKING OTHER PLANS.” OR WAIT, WAIT. HULK GOT ANOTHER ONE THAT BETTER: “IF YOU WANT TO MAKE GOD LAUGH, TELL HIM YOUR PLANS.” …OR SOMETHING… BASICALLY IF YOU EVER MAKE ANY SORT OF PLAN FOR LIFE IN THIS THINGS YOU’RE FUCKED.(6)

SO MAYBE MARTIN JUST TRYING TO PROVE THAT LIFE COMPRISED OF NOTHING BUT RANDOM, NON-STOP HORRIBLE-NESS… FINE. BUT THE WAY THESE ACCIDENTS STRUCTURED REMOVE ALL SENSE OF WEIGHT FROM THE NARRATIVE. WHICH MEAN IT NOT THAT LIFE HAS NO TRUE PURPOSE, BUT THAT THE ARC HAS NO TRUE PURPOSE. EACH EVENT IN THE STORY ULTIMATELY JUST MEANS THE SAME THING AS ANY OTHER DULL EVENT.  IT JUST LIKE THE IRISH PLAYS. BAD THINGS KEEP HAPPENING AND THEY GO ON AND ON AND ON AND THE “ENDING” SEEMS JUST AS RANDOM. KNOW WHY EVERYONE LIKE DANY SO MUCH? BECAUSE SHE A CHARACTER WITH A JOURNEY AND ARC. THAT PRETTY MUCH IT. ALMOST EVERY OTHER CHARACTER BASICALLY BEEN SLOGGING THROUGH NONSENSE FROM THE START OF THE SECOND BOOK, WITH NO REAL SENSE OF ENDING AND BEGINNING, NO PUNCTUATION MARKS… IT THE IRISH PLAYS OF FANTASY.

PICTURED: THE CRIPPLE OF INISHMAAN... LIKE ONE PERSON WILL GET THIS REFERENCE

HERE’S WHY THAT SUCH A BIG PROBLEM: IF THIS THE GOAL OF THE BOOKS TO PROVE THAT LIFE IS A RANDOM, NON-STOP HORROR, THEN IT STILL FAILING AT EXHIBITING THAT. WHY? BECAUSE THERE STILL A WAY TO SHOW THAT NEGATIVE WORLD VIEW IN A DRAMATIC WAY. FOR EXAMPLE, THERE’S THE WIRE. WHILE THAT SHOW FAR MORE CONCERNED WITH THE CAUSE/EFFECT OF PERSONAL CHOICES AND THEIR EFFECT ON OTHERS (THESE BOOKS SEEM TO SAY IT MUCH MORE RANDOM) THE SHOW STILL EXPOSED A WORLD OF CYCLICAL INSTITUTIONAL HORRIBLE-NESS. LIKE MARTIN’S BOOKS, THERE WERE THOSE WHO WERE WELL-MEANING AND THOSE WHO WERE DESTRUCTIVE, BUT BECAUSE THE SHOW INTRINSICALLY UNDERSTOOD THE PRINCIPALS OF DRAMA, THEY MADE THE THEMES + STORY FUCKING ENTHRALLING.

NEED PROOF THESE BOOKS NO UNDERSTAND DRAMA? LET’S GET SPECIFIC. DANCE WITH DRAGONS CONFIRMS ALL THE BIG PROBLEMS IN SERIES MAY NOW JUST PLAGUE THEM FOREVER. FOR EXAMPLE… ACTUALLY… YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE MAY BE BETTER WAY TO APPROACH THIS…

IT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME FOR AN  INTERVENTION WITH GEORGE .R.R. MARTIN. WHAT YOU SAY? WE ALL CARE ABOUT HIM, RIGHT? THERE ENOUGH GOOD STUFF IN THIS SERIES THAT IT WORTH SAVING. HECK, WE ALL FEEL LIKE FRIENDS AND FAMILY HERE, HAVING GOTTEN A GOOD LOOK INTO MARTIN’S MESSED-UP PSYCHE. AND HULK THINK MR. MARTIN REDEEMABLE FOR SURE. ALL PEOPLE ARE. SO HERE GOES…

HEY GEORGE! HULK KNOW YOU STILL MAD AT HULK ABOUT THAT LAST ARTICLE. HULK SORRY. BUT HULK REALLY PROUD THAT YOU START TO TURN THINGS AROUND WITH THIS BOOK. THE PROBLEM THAT HULK  STILL WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND THE DIRECTION OF THE SERIES. SO TO ADDRESS THIS, HERE ARE SEVEN PIECES OF ADVICE:

1) STOP RESOLVING NARRATIVES SO LATE THAT NO ONE GIVES A FUCK.

WHO COULD FORGET THAT NEAR-ABSURD MOMENT IN SWORDS WHERE SUDDENLY WE TREATED TO THE REVEAL OF WHO GAVE THE DAGGER THAT WAS USED TO TRY AND KILL BRAN? IT WAS SUCH AN AMAZING “HULK COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THAT” MOMENT, SOON FOLLOWED BY ANOTHER REVEAL OF WHO KILLED JON ARRYN. TWO MYSTERIES FROM THE FIRST BOOK, FINALLY DEALT WITH IN THE THIRD, AND DONE SO IN THE MOST UNDRAMATIC WAY POSSIBLE.  SADLY, THIS KIND OF REVEAL HAS BECOME COMPLETELY PAR FOR THIS SERIES.

FOR INSTANCE, IN THE LAST HALF OF DRAGONS, MARTIN SUDDENLY START OFFERING UP ALL THE PSEUDO-CONCLUSIONS TO THE STORIES LAID OUT IN CROWS. WHICH, YOU KNOW, COMPLETELY ROBS THEM OF ANY NARRATIVE WEIGHT SINCE THEY ARRIVE AFTER THE SENSE OF TENSION BEEN LIFTED OUT OF THEIR STORIES. REMEMBER HOW THAT BOOK CAME OUT FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO? YEAH. CERSEI’S WALK OF SHAME WOULDA BEEN MUCH MORE RESONANT/CATHARTIC/HARROWING AFTER SUFFERING THROUGH ALL THE CRAP DECISIONS IN HER RULE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE CLIMACTIC POINT TO A STORY THAT TOOK HUNDREDS OF PAGES TO TELL. AND THEN THERE THE MATTER THAT MOST PEOPLE FORGOT ARYA WOKE UP BLIND AT THE END OF LAST BOOK, SO IT DIDN’T MATTER HAVING IT FINALLY BE ADDRESSED. AND POOR BRIENNE, WHOSE STORY STILL UNRESOLVED AFTER THIS NEW BOOK AND WHO APPARENTLY  DOING ALL SORTS OF INTERESTED THINGS ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE NARRATIVE. UGH. AND SAMWELL? HE NOT EVEN MENTIONED. THAT OTHER GUY, DAVOS? HE GET INVOLVED IN SOME KIND OF COOL PLAN WITH MANDERLY AT WHITE HARBOR THEN PROMPTLY DISAPPEARS FROM THE BOOK. SANSA? IN CROWS WE LEFT WITH A COOL PLAN AND THE INCLINATION FOR A GRAND REVEAL, BUT IT STILL NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HAPPENING. AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CROW’S EYE? HE GOT PRETTY BAD ASS INTRO IN LAST BOOK AND HE NOT IN THIS AT ALL. THESE DECISIONS ALL DEEPLY PROBLEMATIC FOR THE DRAMA OF THE STORY.

AND GOOD GOD, THEON. THE REINTRODUCTION TO THEON ACTUALLY STARTLING AND RATHER WELL-DONE, BUT DUE TO THE LENGTH WHICH HE BEEN GONE IT END UP PUTTING READER IN REALLY WEIRD EMOTIONAL PLACE. THE SHIT WITH WINTERFELL FEEL LIKE HAPPENED SO LONG AGO THAT THERE NO LONGER ANY CONFLICTED RESENTMENT. YOU JUST BASICALLY FEEL AWFUL FOR HIM. HIS TURN-CLOAKING ON OUR BELOVED CHARACTERS HAPPENED SO LONG AGO THAT WHO GIVES  FUCK? AND LOOK, HULK TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT WE SUPPOSED TO FEEL AWFUL FOR HIM BECAUSE HE BEEN THROUGH HELL WITH RAMSEY, BUT DRAMATICALLY-SPEAKING WE SHOULD BE COMING AROUND ON HIM. INSTEAD, IT BEEN SO LONG THAT WE JUST INSTANTLY FEEL BAD FOR HIM RIGHT FROM THE START. IT COMPLETELY WRONG TONE. A TOTAL MISFIRE.

2) STOP TRYING TO DEFY EXPECTATIONS ALL THE TIME

AND HERE THE REAL RUB ABOUT #1, ALL THOSE NARRATIVES THAT YOU PUT ON THE BACK BURNER? MOST OF TIME THEY WILL NEVER GET ADDRESSED.

HULK GET WHY YOU TRYING TO DEFYING EXPECTATIONS ALL THE TIME. DOING SO GAVE YOU THE SIGNATURE MOMENT OF THE SERIES (NED’S MOMENT AT BAELOR), BUT YOUR INCESSANT NEED TO KEEP DOING IT WITH EVERYTHING SINGLE PLOT TOTALLY RUINING THE SERIES. KNOW WHAT MAKES DEFYING EXPECTATIONS SO GOOD? THAT IT UNEXPECTED. SO WHEN IT HAPPEN IN EVERY PLOT-LINE IT THEN BECOME, YOU KNOW, EXPECTED. WHICH BASICALLY MEAN YOU TAKE PROVERBIAL DUMP ON THE CONCEPT OF DRAMA BECAUSE WE ALREADY KNOW THINGS ARE LIKELY GOING TO GO TO SHIT AT ANY POSSIBLE SECOND. WE READ THE ENDLESS SLOG AND JUST SITTING THERE WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP.

BUT INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT HOW TO INJECT DRAMA, YOU WORRY ABOUT FINDING NEW WAYS TO DEFY-EXPECTATIONS WITH CHEAP MANEUVERS. LIKE IN THIS BOOK WE SUDDENLY INTRODUCED TO A NEW TARGARYEN OFFSPRING. HE DEALT WITH ECONOMICALLY AND HULK GUESS IN SOMEWHAT INTERESTING WAY TO BE INTRODUCED (SORT OF), BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN HE THE ONE WREAKING HAVOC IN WESTEROS WITH SOME OTHER GUY new CALLED THE GRIFFIN. EXPECTATION-DEFYING? SURE. BUT IT SO NEW AND NOT BUILT ON ANY SORT OF DRAMATIC FOUNDATION THAT IT HAVE NO REAL MEANING TO US… IT JUST SORT OF THIS THING THAT HAPPENING.

AND DON’T EVEN GET HULK STARTED ON FACT THAT ALL THE DRAMA HAPPEN OFF-PAGE. ROOSE BOLTON TAKES DOWN STANNIS’ HOST AND WE FIND OUT IN A LETTER (MAYBE, YET ANOTHER ONE OF THE ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES OF FAKE OUTS, BUT LET US ASSUME IT TRUE). IT COMPLETE OVER-COMMITMENT TO CATCHING THE READER OFF GUARD INSTEAD OF MAKING THINGS DRAMATIC. WOULDN’T A SCENE OF BOLTON GETTING STANNIS BEEN WONDERFUL TO READ AFTER ALL THE BUILDUP? HULK FUCKING SURE OF IT. AND IT NOT LIKE MARTIN CAN’T WRITE THESE SEQUENCES (FOR A GUY WHO USES VERY LITTLE ACTION, HE ACTUALLY VERY, VERY GOOD AT WRITING ACTION). AND IT NOT EVEN NEED ACTION, JUST A TENSE MEETING.

IT THE CORE FUNDEMENTAL ASPECT OF DRAMA: SHOW DON’T FUCKING TELL. AND YET IN ORDER TO CONSTRUCT THESE LAME, BLUNT “SURPRISES” HE JUST TELLS THE MAJOR-MOMENTS OF THE STORY OFF-SCREEN AND AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. (6B) IMAGINE IF NED’S MOMENT WAS RELAYED IN A LETTER!

AND JUST SO YOU KNOW GEORGE, HULK NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE TIMES YOU TRY TO SHOCKING US (THAT A LATER POINT).

SOME MAY ARGUE HULK BEING PUNY-MINDED AND NOT SEEING THE BIGGER PICTURE OF HOW INGENIOUS MARTIN IS AT TELLING HIS STORY. THAT HE PLAYING HULK PERFECTLY AND HULK TOO CAUGHT UP IN CONVENTIONAL DRAMA AESTHETICS. THAT MAYBE HULK CAN JUST NO TAKE IT WHEN AUTHOR “NO DO SOMETHING HULK NO LIKE.”

SERIOUSLY? THAT WHAT YOU THINK GOING ON HERE? BULLSHIT. THESE BOOKS CONSTRUCT THE DRAMA BEYOND POORLY. END OF STORY.

3) DON’T MAKE EVERY CHAPTER EXACTLY 18-20 PAGES

THERE THIS WEIRD THING YOU DO WHERE ALMOST EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER EXACTLY 18-20 PAGES IN EVERY SINGLE BOOK. IT PRETTY BIZARRE (NOTE: IN THE HARDBACK EDITIONS WITH BIGGER PAGES IT COME OUT TO 16 OR SO, WHICH 18-20 IN THE PAPERBACKS). IT NOT NECESSARILY INDICATIVE OF AN INHERENT PROBLEM AND IT KIND OF NICE GETTING TO KNOW THE CHARACTERS BY SPENDING SO MUCH TIME WITH THEM. BUT IT DEFINITELY LEADING TO MOST OF THE STORY BLOAT GOING ON HERE. MOST OF THE TIME IT JUST SEEM LIKE YOU FILLING IN GAPS BEFORE YOU GET TO THE POINT OF CHAPTERS. SOMETIMES IT WORK OUT WELL, LIKE WITH THE TYRION CHAPTERS WHERE A LOT HAVE TO HAPPEN IN ORDER TO GET FROM POINT A TO POINT  B. BUT MOST OF THE TIME IT JUST COMPLETELY ANNOYING. THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE CERSEI CHAPTERS CAN BE 8 PAGES AT MOST. AND BETTER YET, BREAKING UP THE CHAPTERS WOULD GIVE YOU BETTER OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY WITH FORM AND TIMING A BIT. A CHANCE TO LAYER THE NARRATIVE AND ACTION IN MORE CONSTRUCTIVE WAY. IT WOULD PROBABLY ALLOW YOU TO INCLUDE THE PARTS YOU WANT TO WRAP UP TOO. SO QUIT THE O.C.D. NONSENSE AND STOP MAKING EVERY CHAPTER 18-20 PAGES BECAUSE YOU’RE RUINING THE STORY.

4) STOP DOING CLIFFHANGERS

YOU WRITE 1000 PAGE BOOKS. NOT WEEKLY SERIALS. YOU UNDERSTAND THE BASIC DIFFERENCE RIGHT? AFTER A READER SLOG THROUGH 1000 PAGES OF HEDGE NIGHT NAMES AND IN-DEPTH NIPPLE DESCRIPTION THEY DON’T WANT INCONCLUSIVE WTF GARBAGE TO CAP THE STORY. THAT STUFF WORKS AT THE END OF TRUE BLOOD. IT NOT WORK AT THE END OF YOUR HALF-DECADE-LY MINI-OPUSES. AN 1000 PAGE BOOK THAT COMES OUT EVERY 6 YEARS SHOULD, BY  SHEER REQUIREMENT, BE REGARDED AS A SINGULAR AND SATIFYING EXPERIENCE ONTO ITSELF, EVEN IT IT PART OF A LARGER STORY. THERE JUST NO SENSE IN USING A CLIFFHANGER BECAUSE YOU LOSING THE ONLY THING THAT VALUE . HULK WILL COME BACK TO A SERIES 6 YEARS LATER BECAUSE IT GOOD, NOT BECAUSE HULK WANTED TO KNOW WHATEVER THE FUCK HAPPENED TO SO AND SO.

THINK ABOUT IT.  THE BEST TV SHOWS KNOW THAT CLIFFHANGERS WORK GREAT IN WEEK-TO-WEEK EPISODES BUT COME OFF ENRAGING IN SEASON FINALES.(7) THE BEST SEASON FINALES RESOLVE THE MAIN ISSUES AT PLAY AND YET LEAVE THE VIEWER WITH A TASTE OF THE PROBLEMS TO COME IN THE NEXT YEAR. WHICH, YOU KNOW, EXACTLY WHAT YOUR AWESOME FIRST BOOK DID (AND LO AND BEHOLD IT WORKED GREAT IN THE TV SERIES). THINK ABOUT IT: IF CLIFFHANGERS WORK REALLY POORLY IN SEASON FINALES, THEY WORK EVEN WORSE IN 1000 PAGE BOOKS THAT COME OUT EVERY 6 YEARS… SO STOP IT.

5) STOP DOING PROLOGUES THAT BRING UP NEW STORY ELEMENTS THAT ARE NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN.

REMEMBER THE PROLOGUES FROM THE FIRST FEW BOOKS? THE PROLOGUE IN THRONES FANTASTIC. IT INTRODUCE THE WIGHTS AND THEN LONE SURVIVOR IMMEDIATELY KILLED BY NED, WHICH INTEGRATES THE STORY IMMEDIATELY. BETTER YET, THE SURVIVOR’S WARNING NOT HEEDED.  SO WHEN JON SNOW WENT TO THE OH-SO-DANGEROUS WALL WHILE THE REST OF THE KINGDOM SQUABBLED, IT WORKED BEAUTIFULLY IN TERMS OF DRAMA. IN A CLASH OF KINGS, WE INTRODUCED HAUNTINGLY TO STANNIS AND MELISSANDRE (WHO CARES ABOUT THE SPELLING) AND THEIR CRAZY LORD OR LIGHT FANATICISM, ALL OF WHICH MAJOR PARTS OF THE STORY. IN SWORDS WE INTRODUCED TO SOME NIGHT’S WATCHMEN PLANNING TO DESERT AND KILL SOME MAIN CHARACTERS, A PLOT WHICH LATER COMES TO CLIMAX LATER IN THE BOOK.

AND THEN FOR SOME REASON, THE PROLOGUE FOR CROWS HAVE THIS WEIRD THING ABOUT OLDTOWN AND THE MAESTERS AND A KID WHO DIES FOR SOME STRANGE REASON. THEN THE BOOK ENDS JUST BY REINTRODUCING THIS KID WHO WE GUESS ABOUT TO DIE OR BE IMPORTANT OR SOMETHING, BUT THAT LITERALLY ALL THAT HAPPEN. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANT. AND THE THE NEXT 1000 + PAGE BOOK FOLLOWS AND IT STILL NOT ADDRESSED WHATSOEVER. AT THIS POINT HULK COULD HONESTLY CARE LESS ABOUT WHAT IT MEANT. AND LASTLY, THERE THE PROLOGUE IN DRAGONS WHERE WE INTRODUCED TO A WILDLING WE BARELY/DON’T REMEMBER, VARAMYR SIXSKINS, AND HE DIE AND GO INTO SOME WOLF BUT THIS NOT REALLY RELEVANT TO ANYTHING IN ANY WAY. AT LEAST THAT WE KNOW OF SO FAR. ONE FRIEND TRIED TELL HULK THAT IT SETTING UP WHAT HAPPENING WITH BRAN, BUT ALL THE WAYS WARGS WORK ALREADY BEEN ESTABLISHED. THERE NO NEW INFORMATION. SO UNLESS THE WOLVES PLOT BECAME PART OF THIS BOOK IT JUST NOT RELEVANT. MAYBE IT WILL COME BACK NEXT BOOK BUT GUESS WHAT? HULK NOT REALLY CARE BECAUSE WE LIKE 9 YEARS AWAY FROM NEXT BOOK.

SO HOW ABOUT A PROLOGUE BEING BROUGHT BACK INTO THE SAME BOOK IN AN INTEGRAL WAY?

6) STOP WITH THE OBLIGATORY SHOCK VALUE

THIS, PERHAPS, THE BIGGEST ONE. HULK KNOW THIS ISSUE TIE INTO THE DEFYING EXPECTATIONS AND CLIFFHANGER PIECES OF ADVICE, BUT THIS COMMENT VERY SPECIFIC TO YOUR COMMITMENT SHOCK. AND YES, HULK MOST DEFINITELY TALKING ABOUT THE STABBING OF JON SNOW. ON ONE HAND, YOU COULD SUPPOSE THERE SOMETHING OF MERIT TO THE ACTION. HE HAD MADE SERIES OF ONGOING UNPOPULAR DECISIONS. HE HAD INSULATED HIMSELF AND SENT HIS BEST FRIENDS AWAY. HE HAD INVITED GIANTS INTO CAMP. AND HE ALWAYS EXPLAINED HIS REASONS FOR DOING SO VERY WELL INSIDE HIS HEAD, BUT NEVER THAT WELL TO HIS MEN (YOU KNOW, THE ONES HE HAD TO CONVINCE). SO YES, THESE ARE ALL THESE CONCEPTUAL REASONS THAT YOU COULD SUPPOSE A MUTINY WOULD MAKE SENSE.

BUT IT FELT LIKE YOU ONLY WROTE THE STABBING BECAUSE A) YOU WANTED TO SHOCK US OR B) YOU’RE SO IN ON “SHOCKING US” AT THIS POINT THAT YOU FELT LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO… BOTH OPTIONS HERE SUCK.

HULK MEAN, YOU COMPLETELY DESIGNED TO COME OUT OF NOWHERE, TO REPLICATED HOW IT FELT FOR JON HULK GUESS? UGH. THERE A CRUCIAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A READER BEING UNAWARE AND A CHARACTER BEING UNAWARE AND HOW THOSE ARE UTILIZED MATTER EXCEPTIONALLY. AND WORSE, HULK WENT OVER HOW IT WRITTEN, LIKE, FOUR TIMES AND IT ALL VERY VAGUE.  YOU NOT EXACTLY SURE WHO DOING IT AND WHY. IT LIKE THE WHOLE THING DESIGNED TO MAKE US GO “OH NO! NOT JON!” AND NOTHING MORE. AND THIS OBVIOUSLY NOT THE FIRST SHOCK OFFENSE IN THE SERIES. THERE THE RED WEDDING (WHOSE AFTERMATH HANDLED PRETTY NICELY, BUT WHOSE BUILD-UP NON-EXISTENT). AND THEN THE DUMB FAKE-OUT KILLINGS OF ARYA, BRIENNE, ETC. LIKE THE DEFYING EXPECTATIONS, YOU SO CAUGHT UP IN TRYING TO SURPRISE THE READER COMPLETELY INSTEAD OF DRAMATIZING IT AND THEN SURPRISING US WITH A TURN.

SEE WHAT MADE THE NED STARK MOMENT SO GREAT THAT IT NOT RANDOM IN THE SLIGHTEST. THE WHOLE SCENE PLAYS OUT BEFORE US. WE HANG WITH THE MOMENTS OF TENSION. WE WONDER WILL IT/WON’T IT HAPPEN. BUT WE HAVE FAITH THAT IT WON’T, NOT BECAUSE IT NOT IMPOSSIBLE, NOT BECAUSE YOU’VE MISLED US, BUT BECAUSE WE WANT IT TO WORK OUT FOR NED. AND OUR WANTS ALWAYS WORK IN COORDINATION WITH THE ESCALATION OF CONFLICT. AND IN THE SCENARIO OF ACTUAL DRAMA THE BAD THINGS  HAPPENING BECOME A TURN, SOMETHING WE EMOTIONAL AND SAD ABOUT, BUT STILL FEELS EARNED AND RESONANT. WHAT IT NOT IS A  COMPLETE FUCKING SURPRISE.

BUT NO. INSTEAD YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE WE LOVED THE AUDACITY OF THAT NED STARK MOMENT THAT WE JUST SEEKING THE SAME HIGH. SO THE ONLY WAY TO RECAPTURE THE INTENSITY TO MAKE THE CRAZY MOMENTS OF KILLING OFF BELOVED CHARACTERS EVEN MORE EXTREME. THEY OCCUR AS COMPLETE F-ING NONSENSICAL SURPRISES AND THEN YOU JUST EXPLAIN THE HOWS LATER. IT ABSURD.

THINK ABOUT IT: WHAT IF YOU HAD THE MEN CORNER JON? IF YOU HAD THEM BUILD UP THE TENSION BEFORE THE STABBING HAPPEN? YES IT MIGHT BE LESS SURPRISING, BUT IT WILL BE DRAMATIC AND RESONANT. IT WOULD FEEL LIKE A CLIMAX OF A DRAMA YOU BUILT UP AND NOT A CHEAP SHOT.

AND REMEMBER THAT EVEN IF YOU DO IT WELL THERE STILL ONE INESCAPABLE FACT:  IF THE HORRIBLE, RANDOM THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN LIFE MAKE US NOT CARE ABOUT OUR OWN LIVES, THEN THE HORRIBLE, RANDOM THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN YOUR BOOKS ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE US CARE ABOUT YOUR BOOKS.(7B)

LASTLY, 7) OWN YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES

GEORGE R.R. MARTIN, YOU ARE THE FOLLOWING: A PLEASANT, AUDACIOUS, BEARDED FAT GUY WHO LIKES MASTERBATING TO YOUR OWN WRITING. AND THAT OKAY!. REALLY. HULK THINK EVERYONE ACCEPTED WHO YOU ARE. THEY ALSO ACCEPT THAT YOU MIGHT BE A CRUEL AND VINDICTIVE BASTARD WHO LIKE ROBBING YOUR READER OF ANY HAPPINESS. AND THAT OKAY TOO! WE CAN CHALK THIS UP TO A WORLD-VIEW IF WE HAVE TO AND DEAL WITH IT.

BUT WE WILL NOT ACCEPT YOU DEFLATING THE OVERALL STORY INTO LUKEWARM, INEFFECTUAL GARBAGE.

HULK WILL PERSONALLY NOT ACCEPT THIS.

WHY? BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU ARE MR. MARTIN? A GOOD (ENOUGH) WRITER. YOU SHOWED HULK WITH DRAGONS THAT YOU DIDN’T FORGET THE CONCEPT OF NARRATIVE STEAM AND HAVING POINTS TO CHAPTERS. WE EVEN KNOW THAT YOU CAN WRITE OUTSIDE OF THE WEIRD MYOPIC-FOCUS YOU’VE HAD GOING ON THESE LAST TWO BOOKS. WE KNOW THAT BECAUSE WE REMEMBER THE FIRST BOOK IN THIS SERIES. WE REMEMBER HOW THRONES HAD A TIGHTLY WRITTEN PLOT AND STORY ECONOMY. WE REMEMBER HOW YOU DIDN’T GET BOGGED DOWN IN DIVERSIONS. WE REMEMBER HOW IT PRETTY FRIGGEN GREAT.

BUT HULK NOT SURE YOU REMEMBER. INSTEAD OF ADHERING TO THOSE INITIAL PRE-FAME PRESSURES TO DELIVER A TIGHT STORY, YOU TOOK THE EXACT WRONG LESSON FROM THE BOOK’S SUCCESS AND GOT HUNG UP ON THE TANGIBLE DETAILS THAT BECAME THE BOOK’S TALKING POINTS: THE SHOCKING PEOPLE. THE SEX.(8) THE CRUELTY. THE UNSEEN DANGERS. AGAIN, HULK KNOW THESE ELEMENTS PART OF YOUR NATRUAL INCLINATION, BUT YOU SHOWED SUCH UNDERSTANDING OF DRAMA IN THAT FIRST BOOK. YOU CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD HOW TO MAKE HULK CARE IN THE FIRST PLACE AND NOT WITH MAKING THINGS SHINY OR HAPPY, BUT WITH WRITING A GOOD STORY. AND THAT THE WRITER’S RESPONSIBILITY.

SO IT TIME TO CARE ABOUT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. HULK WILL ACCEPT THESE TWO BOOK FOR ONE UNEVEN FAILED EXPERIMENT, BUT IT TIME TO FOCUS DOWN THE STRECTH. THE CONSECRATION OF THE OVERALL NARRATIVE COMES FIRST. THE SHOCK AND INCLINATIONS MUST COME SECOND.

AND LOOK, HULK LIKE THAT YOU TAKE YOUR TIME AND NO RUSH. RUSH JOBS ARE EVIDENT AND HORRIBLE TO READ. BUT YOU TOOK SIX YEARS TO WRITE THIS BOOK AND IT STILL LITTERED WITH KIND OF STORY CONSTRUCTION PROBLEMS YOU FIND IN RUSH JOBS. SO LET’S FACE IT. THESE BOOKS ARE NOT, NOR WILL EVER BE MASTERPIECES THAT TRANSCEND THE FANTASY GENRE. NOR SHOULD THEY STRIVE TO BE, BECAUSE THEIR CORE-IDENTITY = LONG-WINDED, MASTURBATORY FANTASY BOOKS WITH SOME GOOD CHARACTERS, A NICE SENSE OF POLITICAL INTRIGUE, AND THE WILLINGNESS TO GO DARKER THAN A LOT OF COMPARATIVE FANTASY. IT GREAT THAT YOU TRIED ADD THAT REALISTIC ELEMENT, REALLY, BUT YOU NOT TRYING TO DOCUMENT THE REALITIES OF MEDIEVAL LIFE.  YOU TRYING TO WRITE EFFECTIVE FANTASY BOOKS.

YOU NOT TRYING WRITE THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL.

SO THERE.

HULK KNOW YOU WILL PROBABLY NEVER TAKE THIS ADVICE AND FIX THESE ISSUES, BUT HULK JUST THOUGHT HULK WOULD OFFER. HULK NOT WRITING THIS STUFF NOT OUT OF HATE, OR SPITE, OR BECAUSE HULK THINK YOU OWE HULK ANYTHING. HULK FULLY REALIZE HULK COULD JUST STOP READING AND THE PROBLEMS GO AWAY FOR GOOD. HULK DOING THIS BECAUSE THERE REALLY A LOT TO LIKE UNDERNEATH THE BIG PROBLEMS. AND BECAUSE MOST OF ALL, HULK WANT SEE YOU PROVE HULK WRONG AND KNOCK THE ENDING OF THIS SERIES OUT OF THE FREAKIN’ PARK.

A DANCE WITH DRAGONS PROVED TO HULK THAT YOU NOT A TERRIBLE WRITER.

BUT YOU MAY HAVE PROVED THIS WILL BE A TERRIBLE SERIES OF BOOKS.

ENDNOTES

(1) HERE’S THE LIST OF THINGS BETTER THAN A FEAST FOR CROWS: HATE CRIMES.  YOUR HARD DRIVE CRASHING.  “MY MOTHER THE CAR.”  GOUT. GOING TO THE DENTIST. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU NEVER GO TO THE DENTIST. GETTING PUNCHED IN THE KIDNEY. OJ SIMPSON. YOUR LIFE BECOMING THE SUBJECT OF A DANNY BOYLE MOVIE. EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT LOTR BOOKS. PEANUT ALLERGIES. MTV REALITY SHOWS. SEEING YOUR PARENTS DO IT. DYSENTERY. TSUNAMIS. AND WHATEVER IS THE WESTEROS EQUIVALENT OF AIDS.

(2) THAT OTHER GUY ALWAYS = DAVOS. HOPEFULLY THEY GOT A GREAT “THAT GUY” TO PLAY HIM IN THE SHOW… WAIT… HULK GOING CHECK… HOLY SHIT! THEY DID! LIAM CUNNINGHAM! SWEET!

(3) IS IT HULK OR IS PENNY WRITTEN LIKE WHATEVER THE MINSTREL VERSION OF MIDGETS IS?

(4) CAN ANYONE ELSE NEVER SPELL HER FUCKING NAME RIGHT? THAT WHY HULK GO WITH DANY.

(5) HULK MADE WEIRD COMPARISON OF DANY ON TWITTER. ANYONE ELSE WATCH ON COMMUNITY? THE TRANSITION OF BRITTA PERRY FROM WHAT WE THOUGHT SHE GOING TO BE ON THAT SHOW INTO WHAT SHE TURNED OUT TO BE WAS ONE OF MOST GLORIOUS TV COMEDY TRANSITIONS EVER. AND IT VERY SIMILAR (IN TERMS OF OUR AUDIENCE EXPECTATION) TO WHAT HAPPENED WITH DANY… BUT REALLY THE COMPARISON KINDA STOP THERE… UM… THEY BOTH BLONDE?

(6) ALSO TRUSTING PEOPLE… TRUSTING PEOPLE APPARENTLY FOR SUCKERS.

(6B) “IT’S ALMOST LIKE (S)HE GETS OFF ON BEING WITHHOLDING.” REMIND YOU OF ANYTHING?

"NEVER DO THAT AGAIN."

(7) HULK UNDERSTAND THERE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEDIUMS AND THAT TV CAN GET AWAY WITH THINGS DIFFERENTLY. THIS TRUE AND HULK AWARE.  STATEMENT STILL STANDS.

(7B) AND YES HULK KNOW JON SNOW COULD TOTALLY BE FINE. WHICH MAKES THIS EVEN MORE POINTLESS.

(8) HULK JUST REALIZED. FOR ALL THE SEXUAL RANGE OF CRAZINESS IN THESE BOOKS IT SEEM LIKE THEIR AN UNPROPORTIONAL LACK OF BLOWJOBS. ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THIS? JUST HULK? FINE. HULK’S THE WEIRDO. HULK JUST CURIOUS WHY THE GUY WHO FANTISIZES ABOUT EVERY CONCEIVABLE SEXUAL SCENARIO HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FANTISIZING INTEREST IN GETTING A BLOWY. IT WEIRD DAMMIT. MOVING ON!

RANDOM ENDNOTE #1: HULK REALIZE HULK BEING ASSHOLE IN THIS ARTICLE. SOMETIMES HULK DOES THAT. IT OKAY. AS LONG AS YA’LL UNDERSTAND IT NOT THE DEFAULT SETTING.

RANDOM ENDNOTE #2: HULK THINK THE ONLY REASON HULK STILL READING THESE BOOKS IS BECAUSE HULK THINK THE TV SERIES = MUCH, MUCH BETTER AND JUST WANT HAVE SENSE OF HOW THEY ADAPTING IT. PLUS IT FUN TO ANTICIPATE HOW THE SERIES GOING PLAY OUT BEFORE THEIR EYES. THE TRUTH IS A LOT OF THESE NARRATIVE PROBLEMS CAN BE ADAPTED TO TV SO, SO, SO, SO MUCH BETTER. PARTICULARLY THE AFOREMENTIONED SEX ELEMENT…

HULK SAW MIRANDA JULY’S “THE FUTURE” FOR YOU

TONIGHT, HULK SAW THE LAST SCREENING OF MIRANDA JULY’S “THE FUTURE” AT HULK’S LOCAL CINEMA BEFORE IT DISAPPEARED FOR GOOD. HULK NO KNOW WHY HULK TOOK SO LONG. HULK MEANT SEE IT WHEN FIRST COME OUT, BUT TIME GOT AWAY FROM HULK (THIS ACTUALLY VERY PERTINENT TO THE THEMES OF MOVIES SO IT KIND OF FUNNY AND KIND OF TRAGIC ONCE YOU SEEN IT).  THE THEATER ACTUALLY FULL OF PEOPLE WHO DID SAME EXACT THING AND RECOGNIZED LAST CHANCE. SO WHAT HULK THINK?

HULK LOVED IT.

THERE THIS WEIRD THING ABOUT MIRANDA JULY AND HOW LOTS OF PEOPLE DISMISS HER WORK AS QUAINT HIPSTERDOM. FIRST OFF, REFERRING TO SOMETHING AS HIPSTER NOT ACTUALLY MEAN ANYTHING BUT THAT A WHOLE SEPARATE COLUMN HULK GONNA DO SOMEDAY. BUT THE INTENTION TO MEAN THERE NO SUBSTANCE OR VALUE TO THE FILM AND IT ALL ABOUT THE WHIMSY OR SOMETHING.

THAT ASSUMPTION COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG.

THE FUTURE ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE MOVIES OF THE YEAR.

IT DEEPLY RESONANT. IT PRESENTS LARGE CONCEPTS, METAPHORS, SYMBOLS, ABOUT PSYCHOLOGY, SOCIOLOGY, AND THE HUMAN HEART. AT TIMES IT SHOWCASES PURE OBSERVATIONALISM, BOTH SKEWERING AND ADORING OUR MODERN TECHNOCRACY OR OUR TEPID CONNECTION TO THE EARTH. AND AT OTHER TIMES IT WILLING TO DIVE HEADLONG INTO GRAND GESTURES OF SURREALISM. EVEN IF IT SEEMS ALOOF, IT’S HONESTY ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS CAN CUT TO BONE.

TO SOME, IT MAY NOT BE READILY APPARENT. IT MAY SEEM COMPLETELY RANDOM: AWKWARD SEXUAL DANCE ROUTINES. A LITTLE GIRL BURYING HERSELF. ZACH MORRIS-LIKE TIME STOPPAGES. A TALKING MOON. A CAT NARRATING ITS HOPES FOR ADOPTION AND THE TITULAR “FUTURE.”

BUT IN TRUTH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE MOMENTS HAVE DEEP-TISSUE MEANING. A MEANING THAT CONNECTS TO FAMILIAR REAL-LIFE PROBLEMS OR UNIVERSAL TROPES. LIKE THE GIRL BURYING HERSELF? SHE A YOUNG GIRL WITH FATHER DATING SOME NEW WOMAN. SHE DEMANDS SECRECY FROM THE NEW WOMAN ABOUT HER INTENTIONS WHILE DIGGING THE HOLE. SHE PLACES HERSELF IN IT UP TO HER NECK. THEN THE FATHER SMILES AND SAYS TO THE NEW WOMAN TO JUST LEAVE HER BE. WHAT THIS CRAZINESS MEAN? IT MEAN SHE A YOUNG GIRL WHO EMOTIONALLY “BURYING HERSELF” IN REBELLION AND THE PASSIVE FATHER. AND HE JUST LETTING HER AS HE GO BRINGS THE NEW WOMAN INSIDE THE HOUSE. IT SOMETHING WE SEE IN THE DIVORCED KID/NEW MOM RELATIONSHIP A THOUSAND TIMES OVER. HERE? IT JUST A TREMENDOUSLY FUNNY SYMBOL. THESE SORTS OF THINGS ALL THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE.

YEAH, TO SEE IT MAY TAKE A LITTLE WORK. IT MAY TAKE SOME APPRECIATION OF SEMIOTICS. AND THAT MAY NOT BE YOUR THING. BUT IF YOU MAYBE WANT IT TO BE YOUR THING, TO TRY AND GO A LITTLE FILM-SCHOOLY ON THIS SHIT, THEN HULK SAY THE FUTURE MIGHT BE GOOD PLACE TO START. WATCH IT AND THINK ABOUT THIS STUFF. IT COULD BE REALLY GREAT EXPERIENCE. AND IT NOT GOING TO BE SOME BORING INTELLECTUAL EXERCISE BECAUSE THE FILM OFTEN HILARIOUS.

THE PROBLEM THAT IT PROBABLY NOT AVAILABLE IN YOUR AREA. IT NO LONGER IN HULK’S AND HULK IN MAJOR MARKET (HULK SHOULD HAVE NOT LET TIME SLIP AWAY).

SO TRY THE SAME THING WITH MIRANDA JULY’S PREVIOUS FILM ME AND YOU AND EVERYONE WE KNOW. HULK LOVE THAT FILM TOO AND THERE MANY OF THE SAME KINDS OF DEVICES. READ HER BOOKS. READ HER POETRY (ALTHOUGH HONESTLY HULK LOVE HER MOVIES THE MOST).

MIRANDA JULY A REMARKABLE ARTIST.

HULK GET UP HERE AND TALK ABOUT SCREENWRITING 101 AND BLOCKBUSTERS AND STUFF ALL THE TIME, BUT IF YOU CARE ABOUT ART IN ANY FORM. IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT FILM. CHECK OUT THE WORK OF MIRANDA JULY.

IT THE REAL DEAL.

HULK ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS – PART 2

HULK CURRENTLY FINISHING VERY INVOLVED ARTICLE ON ACTION SCENES, IT NOT AS LONG AS THE OTHERS BUT IT MORE INVOLVED AND LOTS MOVING PARTS SO HULK TAKING TIME TO REALLY GET IT RIGHT SO TO SPEAK.

BUT IN MEANTIME IT BEEN SO LONG SINCE HULK GOT SOMETHING UP SO HULK THOUGHT ANSWER ‘NOTHER ROUND OF QUESTIONS. AS ALWAYS, FEEL FREE ASK QUESTIONS IN COMMENTS BELOW, TWEET HULK AT WWW.TWITTER.COM/FILMCRITHULK (FOLLOW HULK IF NOT!), OR EMAIL FILMCRITHULK@GMAIL.COM

HULK THANK!

QUESTION #1

Reading your first mailbag- specifically, the question regarding the studio system and product placement and audiences- made me wonder. Do you think we’ll ever see something like PUTNEY SWOPE again? Or maybe a better question that ties two of your answers together- do you think we’ll ever see another revolutionary movement- as described in “Easy Riders, Raging Bulls”- again? It seems like there’s a lot of fertile territory for filmmakers to revolt against a lot of what you mentioned and the independent genre feels like it could use the jolt.

-John

LOVE PUTNEY SWOPE. GREAT MOVIE. HULK NOT SURE WE’LL EVER SEE SOMETHING SEND UP THE ADVERTISING QUITE THE SAME WAY. EVEN OUTSIDE OF THE WORLD OF PRODUCT PLACEMENT, TV AND MOVIES USED TO BE SEPARATE ENTITIES. NOW THEY NOT. IF UNIVERSAL MAKES MOVIE SKEWING ADVERTISING NBC FEELS THE HEAT (THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS BTW WITH THE MOST TRIVIAL OF STUFF). IF ANY MOVIE EVER DOES, IT WILL LIKELY BE OUTSIDE THE HOLLYWOOD PARAMETERS COMPLETELY. EVEN MAD MEN, WHICH HAS LOTS BAD THINGS SAY ABOUT ADVERTISING, HAS DONE MORE TO MAKE IT SEEM SUPER-AWESOME IT THAN ANYTHING TOO (THOUGH THAT WHOLLY INTENTIONAL).

TECHNICALLY THERE WAS A SECOND REVOLUTIONARY MOVEMENT, THE INDEPENDENT FILM MOVEMENT OF THE 90’S AND BISKIND WROTE ABOUT THAT ONE TOO. HIS “DOWN AND DIRTY PICTURES” ABOUT THE RISE OF MIRAMAX = FANTASTIC. IT ALSO THE SOURCE OF SO MUCH WEINSTEIN INFAMY.

THE PROBLEM OF COURSE THAT THE INDEPENDENT FILMMAKING MODELS BECAME SUBLIMATED INTO THE LARGER CORPORATE SYSTEM (LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE), SO NOW INDEPENDENT FILMMAKING ESSENTIALLY JUST CORPORATE GENRE FILMMAKING. THERE NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FOX SEARCHLIGHT, SONY PICTURES CLASSICS, ETC. AND REGULAR STUDIOS EXCEPT FOR FACT THEY HAVE SMALLER BUDGETS AND FOCUS ON AWARD FODDER. AND YEAH TECHNICALLY THEY FOCUS MORE ON ACQUISITIONS THAN REGULAR STUDIOS BUT THE STUFF THEY JUST ACQUIRING USUALLY MOVIE-STAR LADEN CROWD PLEASERS WITH “INDIE VIBE.”

SO THE QUESTION, WHERE WILL THE NEW REVOLUTION COME FROM?

HULK NOT SURE. WE LIKE THINK THINGS MORE DEMOCRATIC NOWAWAYS IN AGE OF NEW MEDIA, BUT THE PROLIFERATION OF HIGH-GRADE EQUIPMENT AND NICHE-IFICATION WHICH ALLOWS FOR THE POSSIBILITY TO FIND AUDIENCE MORE EASILY, ALSO MEANS IT HARDER FOR NICHE CONTENT TO “HIT” THE MAINSTREAM IF THAT MAKE SENSE. IT SEEMS LIKE MOST OF THE GREAT, INTERESTING, OR SUBVERSIVE FILMMAKING COMING OUT OF GENRE ENTERTAINMENT THESE DAYS, SO THAT TRADITIONAL AUDIENCE NEEDS ARE MET IN AGREEMENT WITH THE MORE ADVENTUROUS STORYTELLING AND COMEDY (ONE CAN WATCH LET THE RIGHT ONE IN JUST AS A VAMPIRE MOVIE FOR EXAMPLE, EVEN IF IT WAY, WAY MORE THAN THAT). AND THE INTERNET SEEMS MORE A DELIVERY DEVICE FOR SHORT FORM/SKETCH CONTENT.

MAYBE THE PLACE FOR GREAT STORYTELLING NOW ON TV? OUTSIDE OF HANDFUL OF GREAT MOVIES HULK THINK “THE SUITCASE” EPISODE OF MAD MEN ONE THE MOST INTERESTING, COMPELLING “MEDIA HOURS” OF THE YEAR. IT JUST HAPPENED BE ON TV.

BUT REALLY HULK NOT SURE.

❤ HULK

QUESTION #2

You’ve talked a lot about screenwriting 101 and the need for the understanding of story structure and character building. What’s the lesson plan for screenwriting 102?

-Bevin

GET THERE SOON ENOUGH. BUT SCREENWRITING 102 MOSTLY CONCERNS INVERSION AND INNOVATION. HOW MAKE THE LEAP FROM WRITING STANDARD STORIES TO WRITING “ORIGINAL-FEELING” / UNIQUE STUFF. HOW DOES TARANTINO OR KAUFFMAN OR COENS OR MOFFAT OR WHEDON OR DO IT? IT TRICKY BUT… ACTUALLY THAT SOUND MORE LIKE THAT SCREENWRITING 103 /GRADUATE STUDY… 102 MIGHT BE JUST MORE OF SAME SHIT WITH A BIT MORE NUANCE…. MAYBE… HULK DUNNO.

❤ HULK

QUESTION #3

Your article regarding the ending of Lost was a great read and brought up a lot of insightful points that I hadn’t considered otherwise. Did you have any other problems with the story throughout the course of the show? Did any of the turns the story took frustrate you, and if so, why?

-Peter G

YEAH IN A GIVEN MOMENT HULK WOULD HAVE LOTS OF PROBLEMS, BUT GIVEN FLUID NATURE OF SHOW, THEY REALLY NOT PROBLEMS, BUT JUST CONCERNS. THAT CAUSE IN MOST CASES LOST EVENTUALLY DEALT WITH THEM WELL-ENOUGH AND TURNED INTO SOMETHING COMPELLING (THE SHOW GOT LOTS OF MILEAGE OUT OF VIEWER PATIENCE). SO THE PROBLEM WITH THE FINALE WAS THAT THERE NOTHING LEFT TO TEMPER OR RECTIFY ANY MIXED FEELINGS. CONCERNS BECOME ACTUAL PROBLEMS. RIGHT NOW, THERE NOTHING THAT CAN “FIX” THE FINALE…EXCEPT MAYBE LINDELOF’S TWEETS?

QUESTION #4

I am curious to know what Hulk thought of X-men: First Class.
I couldn’t find a topic, so I’m posting here.

-Jonah K.

SHORT VERSION: LOVED IT. FUN, ASSURED, BALANCED, AND A WHALE OF A PERFORMANCE FROM FASSBENDER. LOVED EVERY SINGLE DECISION REALLY. HULK ALSO HAVE CRUSH ON JENNIFER LAWERENCE BUT THAT NOT MAKE HULK UNIQUE IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. AND HULK THOUGHT ABOUT DOING PIECE ON THE FILMS COMMENTARY OF RACISM COMPARED TO THE OTHERS BUT IT SORT OF WELL-COVERED GROUND.

❤ HULK

QUESTION #5

Hi Hulk

First off, I immensely appreciate your blog, which provides very deep and accessible criticism. Your texts are always a pleasure to read. My question concerns your quick remark on The Wire‘s last season as a bit “off”, with the serial killer and journalism plots not fitting with the rest of the series : I did not really understand what was wrong with it, since I really enjoyed this season as much as the others, except maybe for being less focused due to plot resolutions and piling on of separate stories. What set you off ?

Thanks, and have a great week !

-Louis

PERHAPS HULK SHOULD HAVE MADE MORE CLEAR. HULK THINK THE LAST SEASON OF THE WIRE FILLED WITH ALL SORTS OF GENIUS. AND HULK WILL GET TO WHY IN SECOND, BUT THE CRITICISM HULK WAS MAKING THAT THE LAST SEASON JUST MADE TWO “TONAL” ERRORS WITH THE MCNULTY FAKE SERIAL KILLER AND THE BLACK/WHITE GOOD GUYS/BAD GUYS IN THE BALTIMORE SUN WORKROOM. MEANING THAT THE TWO PLOTS DIDN’T FEEL LIKE TRADITIONAL WIRE NARRATIVES. MCNULTY FAKING THE SERIAL KILLER SEEMED LIKE THE MOST “UNREALISTIC” THING THE SHOW DID. WAS IT? HULK NOT SURE, BUT THE SHOW HAD BUILT UP 4 SEASONS ON THE PREDICATION OF FINDING DRAMA AND SOUL IN THE MOST “REALISTIC” NARRATIVES POSSIBLE. MEANWHILE, THE JOURNALISM PLOT LINE THROUGH SOME PEOPLE BECAUSE THE WORKPLACE ENVIRONMENT SEEMED BY MADE UP OF EITHER DICKLESS YES MEN AND SCHEMING HACKS OR THE NOBLE SAINTS OF REPORTING. WHICH RATHER CONTRARY TO THE SEEMING GRAY SCALES OF INSTITUTIONS THE WIRE USUALLY PUTS IN FRONT OF US (*). AT THE CENTER OF WHICH IS A CHARACTER WHOLLY MAKINING UP STORIES AND COMING OFF LIKE THE SCUM OF THE UNIVERSE AND HE GETS A PULITZER. BOTH OF THESE TWO STORYLINES ARE THE BIG, BOLD MOVES ONE USUALLY DOES NOT SEE IN THE SHOW. AND THIS THE SIMPLE REASON MANY PEOPLE NOT LIKE IT IS MUCH. IT JUST DIDN’T FEEL RIGHT.

NOW, TO THE LARGER POINT: MOST PEOPLE NOT SO GOOD AT FEELING OUT META-NARRATIVE. BECAUSE IN THE SENSE OF META-NARRATIVE BOTH PLOT LINES RATHER BRILLIANT. THE FIFTH SEASON IS REALLY ABOUT THE REFLEXIVE SEARCH FOR TRUTH. BOTH FEATURE PROMINENT LIES AT THE CENTER OF CONFLICT. THIS DONE SO PURELY TO HIGHLIGHT THE WAYS THE SYSTEM IS SET UP NOT TO DISCOVER THE TRUTH. THE SYSTEM ON WHAT “NOT SHOWN” HERE = THE MAIN POINTS OF THE FIFTH SEASON.

HERE, IN ORDER OF THEMATIC IMPORTANCE: THE BALTIMORE SUN DOES NOT REPORT A SINGLE EVENT THAT TAKE PLACE ON THE WIRE (THAT IS UNTIL BUBS. AND IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THEY’VE EVER DONE AND IT RESTORES HIS FAMILY’S FAITH IN HIM) IF THE WIRE = “THE REAL STORY” OF THE AMERICAN CITY, IT NOT BEING TOLD BECAUSE THEY’RE OFF CHASING “THE FAKE ONE” MEANING THE ONES THAT ARE MADE UP. THE STORIES HAD TO BE FAKE. AND THEY COULD NEVER GET CAUGHT BECAUSE IT THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE THE POINT. AMERICAN SOCIETY OBSESSESED WITH THE BIG, BOLD CSI TYPE STORIES OF MASS INTRIGUE. IN THAT PURSUIT THEY’RE MISSING STUFF SHOWN IN THE WIRE. THE FIFTH SEASON HAD LOTS OF AMAZING TIMES WHERE THEY HIGHLIGHT WHY THE PAPERS FAILED BUT NO ACTUALLY SHOW IT. FOR EXAMPLE HALFWAY THROUGH SEASON ONE OF THEIR SENIOR JOURNALISTS IS BOUGHT OUT. HE REPLACED WITH THE YOUNG WOMAN (GOD HULK FORGET HER NAME, ALMA?) WHO VERY WELL-INTENTIONED BUT JUST NO HAVE THE EXPERTISE OR EXPERIENCE. LATER ON SEASON, WHEN BELOVED CHARACTER DIES (AND FAMED WITHIN THE INNER CITY) AND THEY TRYING TO DECIDE IF THEY SHOULD REPORT HIS MURDER IN LITTLE BLURB OR REPORT A FIRE. SHE CHOOSES THE FIRE. MEANWHILE, THE VETERAN REPORTER KNOWS WHO THAT CHARACTER IS AND WHY HE SO IMPORTANT. WITH HIM, IT WOULD HAVE MADE THE PAPER. BUT BECAUSE THE SUN BOUGHT OUT THEIR EXPERIENCED REPORTER, THE PAPER MISSED A CRUCIAL STORY SIMPLY BECAUSE THE WELL-INTENTIONED YOUNG REPORTER COULDN’T POSSIBLY KNOW WHO THAT CHARACTER WAS. IT BRILLIANT.

AND QUITE SIMPLY, MCNULTY’S CAREER BEING UNDONE BY HIS OWN BULLSHIT = THE PERFECT WAY TO GO. ALSO, THE SUBTLE ARC OF KENARD? BRILLIANT. ALSO RANDY’S LAST NAME IS WAGSTAFF. RECOGNIZE IT? CHEESE WAGSTAFF. (METHOD MAN). YUP, HE’S RANDY’S DAD. DIDN’T NOTICE? THAT BECAUSE IT  NEVER SAID. IT IS THE ABSENT FATHER, SHOWN TO IT’S MOST DAMNING, BY NEVER SHOWING IT AT ALL.

*CHUCK KLOSTERMAN MAKES REALLY WEIRD ARGUMENT WHERE HE SAYS BECAUSE THE NEWSPAPER OFFICE FEEL DISINGENUOUS TO ONES HE WORKED IN, HE NOW CAN’T BELIEVE THAT THE OTHER INSTITUTIONS SHOWN WERE DONE SO WITH FAIR TREATMENT. HULK FIND IT BIZARRE SORT OF CONTRARIAN ARGUMENT, AS IF ARGUING THE SHOW NO HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE A STORY. BESIDES, HULK BEEN A TEACHER. HULK’S ENTIRE FAMILY TEACHERS SPECIALIZING IN PROBLEMATIC YOUTH. TRUST HULK. THE FOURTH SEASON PRETTY FUCKING ACCURATE.

QUESTION #6

I was wondering, what is your opinion (if any) on Jackson Murphy, the “kid film critic”? Do we need somebody like him for the sake of a different perspective on things? Or is it possible that, since he’s obviously too young to have seen most of the milestones of cinema history, giving somebody like him so much exposure can do more harm than good?

The reason I’m asking is I’ve seen this kid on Ebert Presents and have found him to be so incredibly annoying that I was surprised at myself. I think of him as a “film criticism” version of Rebecca Black. But more creepy.

-Lara

HULK NEVER HEARD OF HIM BEFORE THIS QUESTION SO HULK DID BIT OF RESEARCH.

SHORT VERSION: IT BAD. FOR ONE, FAME BAD FOR CHILDREN IN GENERAL. IT JUST IS. THERE NO GETTING AROUND IT AND HULK WOULD NEVER WANT PUT KID IN THAT KIND OF POSITION. AT SAME TIME ,THERE INHERENT NEED FOR CHILDREN TO BE ACTORS/DO OTHER HIGH PROFILE THINGS, SO IT JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT HAVE BE VERY CAREFUL WITH. JUST GENERALIZING BUT IT SEEM 1 IN 4 END UP BEING WELL-ADJUSTED.

AND FOR PETE’S SAKE, NO WE DON’T NEED A 10 YEAR OLD’S OPINION ON MOVIES IN THIS WAY. NOW, HULK LOVE TALKING TO KIDS ABOUT MOVIES TO SEE HOW THEY THINKING, BUT IT VERY DIFFERENT KIND OF THING. FOR EXAMPLE HULK LOVE’S DREW MCWEENY’S FILM NERD 2.0 SERIES WHERE HE WATCHES MOVIES W/ HIS KIDS AND EXAMINES THEIR REACTIONS. WHEN FILTERED THROUGH HIM (A VERY GOOD PROFESSIONAL FILM CRITIC) IT GIVES THEIR OPINIONS HAVE A VERY APPROPRIATE SENSE OF WEIGHT. THAT MAKE SENSE? THEY GIVEN THE CONTEXT OF KIDS, NOT THE CONTEXT OF PROFESSIONALISM.

WHILE HULK LAMENT THE FACT THAT THIS KID IN THE PUBLIC EYE AND TREATED LIKE HE ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT HE TALKING ABOUT, HULK LIKE THE IDEA THAT THE KID REALLY TRYING RIGHT NOW. HE HAVE LONG WAYS TO GO BUT HE ESSENTIALLY STARTING HIS “10,000 HOURS” (GLADWELL’S THEORY THAT IT TAKES 10,000 HOURS TO BECOME TRULY GOOD AT ANYTHING REGARDLESS OF NATURAL TALENT, CAUSE THERE’S ACTUALLY NO SUCH THING AS NATURAL TALENT) SO IN 6-10 YEARS HE COULD BE IN GOOD SHAPE?

OR DEAD OF COCAINE OVERDOSE.

❤ HULK

QUESTION #7

I ask this because you willy-nilly threw ‘The Philadelphia Story’ into an answer, and since ‘The Philadelphia Story’ is my favorite movie, I have a few questions for you surrounding: ‘The Philadelphia Story.’

1) Why is ‘The Philadelphia Story’ such a great movie? If you can’t answer this per the terms of the question, I’ll be satisfied with your opinion of ‘The Philadelphia Story.’

2) I think ‘The Philadelphia Story’ is a shining example of how great of an actor Cary Grant is (and specifically how ‘gracious’ of an actor he is. He’s a scene-stealer, but he knows how to get off of the floor and let someone else take over. Just look at how many co-stars he’s had (specifically his female co-stars, but Jimmy Stewart included) who’ve had some of their best roles standing next to him.) Anyway. This beside point. The real question is that Cary Grant is derided by know-nothings for being a one-note actor. He essentially play the role of ‘Cary Grant’ in his movies, they say. (And they may very well be right, and I forgive him because man, what a great character to be constantly playing.) And, unfortunately, I think this is the same fate that’s befalling cats like Jesse Eisenberg and Michael Cera. They essentially play themselves and yes, that can be tiring, but I believe history will reflect very well on them, without the context of sitting through every single movie they’ve made and rather just ‘remembering the good ones.’ So I ask your opinion of these ‘one-note’ actors, and whether they are ‘bad actors’ or just actors that we get tired of.

3) The other side to ‘the suits fuck everything up’ is that sometimes they’re able to actually make things better. A lot of those great Cary Grant movies. ‘Casablanca,’ is I believe to be a shining example. Thoughts? Maybe artists need someone to help them get their own vision across?

4) George Cukor has made a handful of truly great movies, but I don’t really see his name thrown out in that list of great directors. Any thoughts as to why?

Thank you and I love your blog.

-not eb

1 – THE PHILADELPHIA STORY A CLASSIC AND IT DESERVE TO BE ONE. THE REASON BECAUSE OF KATHERINE HEPBURN. NOW EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT IT FANTASTIC, BUT SHE THE LYNCH-PIN THAT ALLOWS IT ALL TO CONNECT AND WORK TOGETHER. WITHOUT HER PERFORMANCE THE HIGH-DEGREE-OF-DIFFICULTY NARRATIVE FALLS FLAT. SIMPLE AS THAT? MAYBE. IT HULK’S THEORY.

2 – ONE NOTE ACTORS ARE ACTUALLY MOST ACTORS TO BE HONEST. GENUINE CHAMELEONS WHO REALLY CHANGE WHAT THEY DO RATHER RARE (AND THEY MOSTLY ON STAGE), EVEN LOTS OF “CHARACTER ACTORS” JUST DO THE SAME ONE-NOTE THING THEY JUST GET LOTS DIFFERENT ROLES KINDS OF ROLES. HULK NOT TRYING TO BE DISMISSIVE OF THEIR ABILITIES WHATSOEVER. THEY GETTING INTO VERY DIFFERENT CHARACTERS AND HEADSPACES AND SITUATIONS, HULK MERELY COMMENTING ON THE AFFECTATION. IN TRUTH, HULK IN AWE OF ALL ACTORS AND YOU WOULD BE SAME IF EVER TRIED IT.

SO THE THING WITH ONE-NOTE ACTORS IT JUST DEPENDS WHAT YOU THINK OF THAT NOTE AND IF THERE OBJECTIVE QUALITIES TO THE NOTE. FOR EXAMPLE, AWKWARD (CERA) HAS LESS RANGE THAN CHARMING (CLOONEY). MEANING CLOONEY CAN BE A CHARMING MAN IN A ROMANTIC COMEDY, A COOL BANK HEIST, OR A MURROW DOCU-DRAMA. MEANWHILE, CERA CAN’T BE THE AWKWARD FUMBLING TEEN IN A SHOOT EM UP WITHOUT DRAWING TOO MUCH NOTICE FOR BEING THAT. BUT FOR THE RECORD HULK STILL LOVE CERA. HIS TIMING EXCELLENT. WE GET SICK OF COMEDIANS TOO EASILY.

3 – NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN HERE. THE GOLDEN AGE OF MOVIE MAKING VERY DIFFERENT FROM TODAY. STARS/DIRECTORS/WRITERS WERE CONTRACTED W/ SINGLE STUDIO. IT WAS AN ASSEMBLY LINE. STUDIO INVOLVEMENT WAS A MUST IN THAT SYSTEM. ALSO, THE SUITS IN THAT CASE WERE STILL AT LEAST “MOVIE PEOPLE.” THE REAL WORLD OF GIANT CORPORATE FINANCE DIDN’T CREEP UNTIL THE 80’S POST “STAR WARS” WHEN THEY REALIZED THERE WAS REAL INDUSTRY-TYPE-MONEY TO BE MADE. THE OLD GUARD (TURNER, ZANUCK, ETC) COULD BE JUST AS FLIPPANT AND EASILY BORED, BUT THEY WERE AT LEAST INDIVIDUALS WITH ACTUAL TASTE. THE CURRENT GENERATION ARE ECONOMISTS.

4 – HULK FEEL LIKE CUKOR GETS APPROPRIATE DUE (AT LEAST IN FILM-Y CIRCLES). HULK SUPPOSE THE LACK OF ATTENTION COMES FROM THE FACT HE NOT REALLY FORMALIST. HE GREAT WITH ACTORS AND REALLY GOT HANDS ON SOME GREAT SCREENPLAYS. BUT HE NOT EXACTLY IN THE FORD CLASS, WHO COULD ELEVATE ANY MATERIAL HE GOT.

❤ HULK

QUESTION #8

Hey Hulk,

Got a question for you. What’s an area of filmmaking you wish more viewers or critics knew about/paid attention to? It seems like most reactions to a movie boil down to talking about the actors, some dialogue, and directorial style. Do you wish people would focus more on, say, editing, or sound design, or costumes, etc.? Small follow-up: What resources would you recommend for those viewers looking to learn more?

Daniel C.

HULK IMAGINE IT PRETTY EVIDENT THAT IT HAVE HULK’S BIGGEST GRIPE HOW MOST CRITICS NO KNOW WHAT “SCREENWRITING” ACTUALLY MEAN. THEY ALWAYS MAKE IT SEEM DIALOGUE CENTRIC, BUT REALLY STORY ECONOMY WAY MORE IMPORTANT. SO BASICALLY, A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF STORY-MECHANICS WOULD DO LOT GOOD. THE PROBLEM WITH EVALUATING EDITING THAT THE BEST EDITING OFTEN INVISIBLE. USUALLY HULK HAVE TO WATCH THE BEST EDITING MOVIES A SECOND TIME AND REALLY BE ON LOOKOUT FOR IT. AND THEN IT NOT EVEN REALLY IMPORTANT TO PUBLIC DISCUSSION, JUST FILMMAKING CRAFT. AND HULK FEEL LIKE COSTUMES PRETTY MUCH GET THEIR DUE. THAT SOUND CRASS BUT BY THAT HULK MEAN THAT PEOPLE CAN LOOK AND UNDERSTAND THE EFFORT THAT WENT INTO IT. AND YES, WISH THERE MORE APPRECIATION FOR THE EFFECT OF SOUND, BUT THAT BECAUSE SOUND DESIGNERS/MIXERS  THE TOTAL UNSUNG HEROES OF FILMMAKING. IF EVER MADE A FILM YOU UNDERSTAND… ALSO IF YOU MAKING MOVIE SAVE MONEY FOR THE MIX. LOTS PEOPLE MAKE THAT MISTAKE.

AND HONESTLY IT SORT OF CHEAP, BUT HULK SAY NO READ FILM BOOKS. READ BOOK BOOKS. READ DAVID FOSTER WALLACE, GOGOL, THOMAS PYNCHON, CHEKOV, READ ACADEMIC ESSAYS ABOUT OTHER SHIT. AND THE BEST WAY TO LEARN TECHNICAL FILMMAKING SKILLS TO SAVE MONEY AND MAKE FILMS (START WITH SKETCHES). YOU LEARN WAY MORE THAT WAY. AS FAR AS UNDERSTANDING MOVIES GO, SEE MORE MOVIES AND WRITE FOR 10,000 HOURS.

OH AND THE GUY ABOVE, OWEN GLIEBERMAN? HE KIND OF TERRIBLE.  DON’T BE LIKE HIM.

❤ HULK

QUESTION #9

As photo-realistic and motion capture technology becomes more widespread do we need a new definition for movies that straddle the line between computer generated and live action? I’m thinking specifically of Avatar, but Tron: Legacy, 300, and Sin City could be considered as well since everything but the actors was green screened in later, although none but Avatar contained characters which existed solely in a computer. All of these movies, while technically live action, exist almost entirely in a computer generated world. As this becomes more common, which I assume it will, will it create a new film making sub-genre? Is Avatar (and the upcoming sequels) live action? Are they cartoons? Does this only matter come awards time?

…I guess SW: Episodes 1-3 fit this description too, but I try to pretend they didn’t happen.

-Doug R

YOU EXACTLY CORRECT. SOON ENOUGH THEY WILL BE EXACT SAME THING IN TERMS OF EXECUTION. SO HOW WILL THEY DIFFERENTIATE?

IT MAY TAKE ONE MO-CAP PERFORMANCE TO BE NOMINATED TO BREAK THE DISTINCTION. BUT THAT WILL NO HAPPEN UNTIL OLD ACADEMY MEMBERS DIE BECAUSE THEY NO UNDERSTAND WHAT MO-CAP EVEN IS. (SERIOUSLY, IF YOU EVER BEEN TO AN ACADEMY, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER, OR VARIETY SCREENING THE AVERAGE AND MEDIAN AGE AT LEAST 72). BUT ONCE ONE NOMINATED IT WILL THEORETICALLY BRIDGE DISTINCTION? HULK NOT SURE. RIGHT NOW THOUGH, HALF OF MOVIE-GOERS SEEM TO UNDERSTAND BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVE-ACTION, MO-CAP, AND ANIMATED JUST BASED ON WHAT IT SEEMS MOST LIKE.  SO REALLY WE NO KNOW YET. BUT RIGHT NOW IT SEEMS LIKE ANYTHING WITH ONE REAL ACTOR IN IT, STRIVING TOWARD PHOTO-REALISM, WE WILL CONSIDER IT LIVE ACTION.

❤ HULK

UNTIL NEXT TIME.

AS ALWAYS, FEEL FREE ASK QUESTIONS IN COMMENTS BELOW, TWEET HULK AT WWW.TWITTER.COM/FILMCRITHULK (FOLLOW HULK IF NOT!), OR EMAIL FILMCRITHULK@GMAIL.COM

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH DR. WHO

YOU SHOULD GO TO BEGINNING OF CURRENT ITERATION OF DR. WHO AND START WATCHING IT.

RIGHT NOW.

WHY?

BECAUSE DR. WHO MIGHT BE HULK’S FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW.

EVER.

… THAT A PRETTY GRAND STATEMENT, FULL OF ALL SORTS OF HYPERBOLE AND WHATEVER, BUT IT TRUE. A LOT OF AMERICANS MAY BE CONFUSED BY HULK’S RECOMMENDATION, WHEREAS A LOT OF HULK’S U.K. READERS WONDERING WHY AMERICANS WOULD BE CONFUSED AT ALL. SEE, WHILE DR. WHO AN INTRINSIC PART OF YOUR TELEVISION HISTORY AND A CULTURAL TALKING POINT, IT NOT REALLY THAT WELL-KNOWN OVER HERE IN THE STATES.(1) AS OF JUST A FEW MONTHS AGO, EVEN HULK JUST KNEW A BIT OF THIS HISTORY OF THE SHOW AND ITS IMPORTANCE AND NOT MUCH MORE. IT TOOK THE OUTRIGHT INSISTENCE OF A FEW FRIENDS TO CONVINCE HULK TO STARTING WATCHING AND, OBVIOUSLY, HULK VERY GLAD HULK DID.

BUT SERIOUSLY, FAVORITE???

CONSIDERING THE DEPTH OF TRULY GREAT TELEVISION, HULK’S PROCLAMATION MAY SEEM OUTRIGHT ABSURD. HULK CAN IMAGINE YOU SITTING THERE SAYING “BUT HULK? WHAT ABOUT ____ SHOW!” AND CHANCES ARE YOU NAME SOMETHING TOTALLY DESERVING. IN FACT, HULK HAVE A WHOLE LIST OF MODERN SHOWS THAT OBJECTIVELY “BETTER” THAN DR. WHO (YOU FREE TO ARGUE WITH ANY OF THESE): THE WIRE IS UNQUESTIONABLY THE BEST TV SHOW EVER. THE SOPRANOS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. MAD MEN IS THE MOST INTERESTING. BREAKING BAD HAS THE BEST PERFORMANCE. LOST IS THE MOST AMBITIOUS (DRAMA). COMMUNITY IS THE MOST AMBITIOUS (COMEDY). SIX FEET UNDER IS THE DEEPEST (OR AT LEAST ALWAYS TRIED TO BE). BUFFY IS THE MOST ENTERTAINING. FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS IS THE MOST HUMBLE. THE SHIELD IS THE MOST INTENSE. TWIN PEAKS WAS THE MOST WONDERFULLY LYNCHIAN (THAT ITS OWN THING). ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT IS THE WITTIEST. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA IS THE MOST AUDACIOUS. FREAKS AND GEEKS AND MY-SO-CALLED LIFE ARE THE MOST PAINFULLY HUMAN AND WELL-OBSERVED. SEINFELD IS THE MOST ORIGINAL. HOMICIDE, MR. SHOW, AND THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW ARE THE MOST AHEAD OF THEIR TIME. THE OFFICE (UK) IS THE MOST INSPIRED. AND THE SIMPSONS (GOLDEN AGE) IS THE ABSOLUTE FUNNIEST.

BUT DR. WHO MIGHT BE HULK’S FAVORITE.(2)

NOT PLEASED

WARNING: HULK’S FAVORITISM MAY JUST BE DUE TO FACT THAT HULK JUST SPENT THE LAST FEW MONTHS ON NETFLIX STREAMING, WHIZZING THROUGH THE MODERN RESURRECTION OF THE SHOW (STARTING IN 2005) AND NOW HULK COMPLETELY CAUGHT UP. WATCHING TV SHOWS IN THE “ALL AT ONCE” MANNER HAVE TENDENCY TO THROW BLINDERS ON VIEWER AND THROW REGARD FOR SHOW OUT OF WHACK… BUT HULK PRETTY GOOD AT BEING ABLE TO CONTEXTUALIZE WHATEVER HULK WATCHING; TO REMEMBER HOW HULK FELT WATCHING OTHER PROGRAMS AND WHY HULK WANTED TO KEEP WATCHING. THIS RELEVANT BECAUSE THE REASONS HULK FELT COMPELLED TO IMMEDIATELY WATCH THE NEXT EPISODE OF THE WIRE, OFTEN FAR DIFFERENT FROM THE REASONS HULK WANTED TO WATCH THE NEXT DR. WHO. MEANING EVEN IF NET RESULT THE SAME (GOOD TV LARGELY LIKE CRACK ADDICTION), THE REASONS WERE DIFFERENT. AND THE SPECIFIC NATURE OF THOSE REASONS LARGELY TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SHOW.

FOR ONE, THE FEELING OF WATCHING DR. WHO EQUATABLE WITH SIMPLE ELATION. THIS ENTIRE RUN BEEN AN ABSOLUTE JOY. SURE, THE SERIES STARTS OFF JUST A TAD BIT ROCKY WITH THE BUDGET-CONSTRAINED FIRST SEASON AND GENERAL UNSURENESS ABOUT THE WORLD OF THE SHOW (THERE A REASON THE SLEVEEN NO ENDURED. THEY WERE ULTIMATELY JUST STUPID FART MONSTERS), BUT WITH EVERY PASSING EPISODE HULK FOUND HULK-SELF MORE AND MORE WRAPPED UP IN THE CHARACTERS AND THE WORLD. 5 AND 1/2 SEASONS LATER? DR. WHO WAS ALL HULK THOUGH ABOUT. HULK RELISHED THE DAILY  CHANCE TO RETURN TO THE WORLD OF THE SHOW AND ENJOY THE ELATION OF WHAT MIGHT BE THE MOST HAPPINESS-PROVIDING SHOW-TYPE-THING AROUND.

WHAT MAKES IT SO ENJOYABLE? UNLIKE NEARLY EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE MODERN WORLD, DR. WHO DEFINED BY AN INEXORABLE SENSE OF OPTIMISM. IT SORT OF REMARKABLE FOR THIS DAY IN AGE REALLY. NO MISTAKE THE SHOW FOR EMPTY-HEADED-FLUFF THOUGH, ESPECIALLY SINCE IT OFTEN DEALS WITH THE FAIRLY COMMON THREAT OF APOCALYPSE OR FULL ERASURE FROM TIME AND SPACE. BUT THAT THE VERY THING THAT GIVE DR. WHO ITS GRAVITAS: IT GROUNDS ITS OPTIMISM IN APOCALYPSE. IT LOOKS AT THE SCALE OF THE UNIVERSE, THE FACT OUR LIVES ARE JUST TINY BLIPS ON AN INCONCEIVABLE TIME-LINE AND STILL MANAGES TO SHOW WHY IT MATTERS. IT SHOWS THAT MOST INCREDIBLE THING WE CAN DO IS CHERISH OUR VERY EXISTENCE AND “BE OUR BEST SELVES.” IT POSITIVE EXISTENTIALISM IN IT’S MOST CELEBRATED FORM, REFLECTING IT AS CORE HUMAN TRUTH.

AND BETTER YET, THE SHOW FOR EVERYONE. HULK THINK DR. WHO REPRESENT  THE BEST OF WHAT PIXAR OFFERS: A “YOUNG PERSON’S SHOW” THAT NOT JUST ADULT-FRIENDLY, BUT SOMETHING THAT QUITE LITERALLY FOR EVERYONE.

SO HOW BOUT THAT?

PART ONE – FOR THOSE WHO NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW

BUT REALLY HULK, YOU ASK, WHAT MAKE IT SO GREAT?

FOR STARTERS, IT CAN BE ANYTHING.

“EXPLAIN! EXPLAAAAIN!!!!

DR. WHO = THE STORY OF A 900 YEAR TIME LORD KNOWN SIMPLY AS “THE DOCTOR.” THE TIME LORDS ARE THE MOST ANCIENT AND NOBLE BEINGS IN THE UNIVERSE AND THEY WATCH OVER ALL OF TIME AND SPACE. THE DOCTOR, A FUNNY AND OFTEN BRILLIANT FIGURE, SPENDS HIS LIFE TRAVELING IN THE TARDIS, A MIRACULOUS SHIP THAT CAN ACTUALLY NAVIGATE THROUGH BOTH TIME AND SPACE (IT IS ALSO DISGUISED AS A 60’S-ESQUE POLICE BOX… THIS WILL MAKE SENSE HULK ASSURE YOU).  IN ALL THESE TRAVELS THROUGH THE STARS, THE DOCTOR OFTEN BRINGS COMPANIONS ALONG WITH HIM TO SHARE THE JOURNEY (THE COMPANIONS OFTEN HUMAN AND EVEN MORE OFTEN YOUNG WOMEN). TOGETHER THEY INVESTIGATE HISTORY, THE FUTURE, THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, AND BEYOND. AND DESPITE THE FACT THE SHOW USUALLY HAVE SOME SORT OF “MYSTERY OF THE WEEK” ALLURE, THE SHOW CAN TAKE ON ANY FORM, SUBJECT MATTER, OR TONE.

IT CAN LITERALLY DO OR BE ANYTHING.

THIS INNATE CAPACITY FOR ENDLESS CREATIVITY THE MAIN REASON THE SHOW HAS LASTED THROUGH SIX DECADES (OH YEAH, FORGOT TO MENTION, THE ORIGINAL INCARNATION OF SHOW BEEN AROUND SINCE 1963). WELL, THAT NOT THE ONLY REASON. THE SHOW ALSO THOUGHT OF ONE RATHER INGENIOUS LITTLE PLOT DEVICE: TIME LORDS CAN REGENERATE, MEANING EVERY TIME THE ACTOR PLAYING THE DOCTOR READY TO LEAVE/GET FIRED, HE CAN SIMPLY DIE IN HIS CURRENT FORM AND REGENERATE WITH A NEW ACTOR PLAYING THE ROLE. YES, IT MAY SEEM A LITTLE HOKEY, BUT IT THE PERFECT CONCEIT FOR ONGOING SERIALIZED TELEVISION, SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE IT ALLOW THE SHOW TO MAINTAIN RICH HISTORY AND TRADITION.(3) LIKEWISE, THE SHOW HAVE A SIMILAR UNDERSTANDING OF TRUNCATING THE PLOT-LINES FOR THE COMPANIONS SO THAT THEIR ARCS ARE TIGHT AND FOCUSED, NEVER FAILING TO OVERSTAY THEIR WELCOME. BOTH CHOICES ALLOW THE SHOW TO STAVE OFF “THE STALENESS” WHICH RUINED A GREAT MANY TV SHOWS.

”]THERE NOW BEEN ELEVEN DOCTORS TO PLAY THE ROLE SO FAR AND COUNTLESS THOUSANDS OF HOURS OF PROGRAMMING . THE SHOW WENT OFF THE AIR IN 1989, HAD ONE-OFF TV MOVIE IN 1996,AND THEN FULLY RETURNED TO THE AIRWAVES IN 2005. THE BEST THING THAT IT WAS NO “REBOOT” BUT INSTEAD A COMPLETE RESURRECTION OF THE SHOW/CHARACTER WITH THE ESTABLISHED CANON/HISTORY FULLY IN TACT. YET AT SAME TIME THEY THANKFULLY CONSTRUCTED THE RESURRECTION SO THAT YOU NO NEED GO BACK AND WATCH 40 YEARS OF RATHER-DATED TELEVISION TO KEEP UP. IT BASICALLY AMOUNT TO A WONDERFUL RE-INTRODUCTION TO THE SHOW.

AND SOON ENOUGH YOU BROUGHT INTO THE FOLD, WHERE THE WORLD OF DR. WHO REVEALS ITSELF DELIGHTFULLY: THE SONIC SCREWDRIVERS, DALEKS, GALIFREY, SHADOW PROCLAMATIONS, FIXED TIME EVENTS, CYBERMEN, UNIT, SONTARANS, THE VOID, WEEPING ANGELS, OODS, CRACKS IN TIME, ALL THE TYLERS, JONES’, SARAH JANE SMITHS, NOBLES, PONDS, AND EVEN FEZZES (FEZZES ARE COOL).

NOW IF ALL THESE BITS ABOUT TIME LORDS REGENERATING AND MAGIC FLYING BOXES SOUNDS SORT OF WACKY, WELL, YOU RIGHT. IT DEFINITELY WACKY. BUT IT ALSO DEALT WITH RATHER BRILLIANTLY. AND THAT THE KEY REALLY.

EVERYTHING STARTS WITH THE FACT THAT THE DOCTOR AN IMPOSSIBLY MAGNETIC FIGURE AND AN ACTOR’S DREAM TO BOOT. HE CAN SOMETIMES JUST BE SILLY,  OFF-KILTER, OR ESOTERIC, BUT IT NEVER ONCE LOST ON US THAT HE A BEING NEARLY GOD-LIKE IN HIS CAPABILITIES. THE DOCTOR’S INNATE CAPACITY FOR DARKNESS AND ABSOLUTE POWER THE CONSTANT AND PROVERBIAL ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. YET THE DOCTOR ALSO IMBUED WITH MOST NATURAL CURIOSITY AND HE FREQUENTLY DELIGHTED BY THE IMPOSSIBLE. HIS DEALINGS WITH HUMANITY, WHILE LARGELY JUST A FUNCTION OF “BECAUSE IT US,” MORE PREDICATED ON THE NOTION THAT THE DOCTOR SOMEONE FASCINATED BY THE HUMAN CONDITION. WHY? BECAUSE IT THE SAME CONDITION THAT HE NEEDS TO KEEP GOING, 900 YEARS AND COUNTING. ULTIMATELY, HE LOVES HUMANS BECAUSE OF THE WAYS WE LOVE EACH OTHER.

SEE THE DOCTOR PROCLAIMS HIMSELF TO BE JUST A TRAVELER HE NOT JUST A TRAVELER. HE A FIGURE CAPABLE OF INCREDIBLE ACTS OF GOOD. A MAN WHO SAVES THE UNIVERSE HUNDREDS OF TIMES OVER. HE CAPABLE OF BIG, BOLD ACTION AND SACRIFICE. UNQUANTIFABLE LOVE. A BEACON. A MORAL COMPASS. AND THANKFULLY THE SCALE OF THE SHOW OFTEN FITS THE GRANDEUR OF THE CONCEPTS. FEW CHARACTERS CAN ALTERNATE SO FREELY BETWEEN TWEE AND GRAVITAS WHEN ALL OF REALITY AT STAKE. IT ANYTHING BUT SCHIZOPHRENIC, THE SHOW EXPLORES EVERY BIT OF NUANCE IN BETWEEN.

SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD RIGHT?

SPACESHIP... DREAM-ACHIEVER

IT SOUNDS SORT OF LIKE A BEAUTIFUL DREAM, TO BE WHISKED AWAY IN THE TARDIS AND SEE THE WHOLE OF TIME AND SPACE. IT ABSOLUTELY NO MISTAKE THAT “THE BLUE BOX” = THE ETERNAL SYMBOL FOR THE GATEWAY TO DREAMS.(4) IT TAP INTO SOMETHING ABOUT OUR INTRINSIC NATURE TO EXPLORE AND REFLECT.

AND THE SHOW HAS THIS ABILITY TO ELICIT A CHILD-LIKE REACTION. NO MISTAKE THIS FOR SIMPLE NOSTALGIA (HULK NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW SO THERE NOTHING TO ACTUALLY NOSTALG-TO). HULK SIMPLY TALKING ABOUT THE CAPACITY FOR THAT OH-SO-CHILD-LIKE EMOTION: GUILT-FREE JOY. IT HARD FOR THE MODERN/AWARE AUDIENCE, WHOSE CYNICISM DEFINED NOT NECESSARILY BY NEGATIVITY, BUT FROM THE IMMENSE DEARTH OF MEDIA EXPERIENCE. WE SEEN EVERYTHING, SO WHAT COULD BE NEW AND PURE? THIS SHOW PROVES THAT SOME THINGS CAN STILL BE PURE. THAT ONE CAN HAVE GUILT FREE JOY WITHOUT “TURNING BRAIN OFF.”

DR. WHO MAY NOT THE BEST SHOW EVER MADE.

BUT IT HULK’S FAVORITE.

YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS GUY BUT HE FREAKING GENIUS

PART TWO – FOR THOSE WHO NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW BUT NOT CONVINCED BY MERE HYPERBOLE, HERE NINE TANGIBLE REASONS FOR DR. WHO’S RELATIVE GOODNESS IN THE PANTHEON OF TELEVISION

THIS FOR THOSE OF YOU LOOKING FOR FILM-Y/MORE OBJECTIVE REASONS

1. STEPHEN MOFFAT A GENIUS – SOMETIMES IT THAT SIMPLE. MOFFAT FIRST A WRITER ON THE SHOW AND HE NOW THE SHOW-RUNNER. HE HAS BECOME ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE WRITERS. PERIOD. ONE OF THINGS THAT MAKE HIM DISTINCTIVE, ASIDE FROM UNCANNY ABILITY TO WRITE WITTY-YET-GOAL-ORIENTED DIALOGUE, THAT HE USES THE ENTIRE CANVAS OF TIME AND SPACE TO ACHIEVE ENDS OF GIVEN STORY. IT RARELY A SIMPLE CASE OF “NOW WE DOING THIS KIND OF STORY IN CENTRALIZED LOCATION.” HE DEEPLY MOTIVATED BUT THE POSSIBILITIES THAT DR. WHO PROVIDE. IT EXTREME STORYTELLING. BETTER YET, IT TRUE SCI FI.

2. ACTUALLY, THE SHOW HAD TWO BRILLIANT SHOW-RUNNERS. RUSSEL T. DAVIES RESURRECTED THE SHOW IN 2005 AND WAS THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT’S CURRENT STYLE. THANKFULLY, HE MADE THE EXACT RIGHT CHOICES IN EVERY REGARD. IT SHOWCASED TREMENDOUS RESPECT AND ADORATION FOR THE ORIGINAL SERIES BUT KNEW EXACTLY WHAT TO AUGMENT. AND WHILE MOFFAT MAY BE THE BETTER INDIVIDUAL WRITER, DAVIES HAD TRUE GIFT FOR DEVELOPING THE ARC OF A SEASON. NOT JUST WITHIN THE CENTRAL ARC, BUT THE INTERTWINING PLOTS YOU HAD NO IDEA WERE ACTUALLY INTERTWINED. REALLY, DAVIES AN EXPERT OF GRAND GESTURES AND WORLD BUILDING, WHICH MAKE HIM PERFECT FOR SHOW-RUNNING.

3. CONCEPTUAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL VILLAINS – IN THE MOST RECENT YEARS, DR. WHO DISPLAYS WONDERFUL PENCHANT FOR CREATING VILLAINS THAT HAVE INTRINSIC PSYCHOLOGICAL COMPONENT. WHILE THE HISTORIC ONES MORE STRAIGHT ALLEGORIC-STAND-INS (THE DALEKS ARE NAZIS, THE CYBERMEN ARE COMMUNIST, ETC). THE MODERN WORK IN MORE ABSTRACT CONCEPTS. MOFFAT SEEMS PARTICULAR INTERESTED IN WHAT UNSEEN: THERE A GROUP OF VILLAINS THAT MOVE THAT WHEN YOU DON’T LOOK AT THEM. ANOTHER THAT YOU INSTANTLY FORGET WHEN NOT LOOKING AT THEM. WHAT SOUNDS SO SIMPLE, ACTUALLY HANDLED WITH STUNNING COMPREHENSIVENESS, DIVING INTO THE DETAILS OF WHAT THAT REALLY MEANS (WHAT IF YOU HAVE TO BLINK? OR HOW REMEMBER AN ENEMY YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY REMEMBER?). IN WORLD WHERE J.J. ABRAMS REALLY SEEM CONTENT JUST GIVE US BORING OLD SAMEY ALIENS THAT HAVE NO EFFECT, DR. WHO ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN PROVING THINGS THAT REALLY FEEL NEW AND DISTINCT.

4. WHILE THE SHOW CAN TAKE ON ANY FORM, IT STILL HAVE REMARKABLE SIMILARITY OF TONE TO BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, WHICH IN CASE NO HAVE SEEN ONE OF THE BEST SHOWS OF ALL TIME.(5) IT GOES BEYOND THE SIMPLE BALANCING OF INDIVIDUAL ADVENTURES WITH THE OVERALL ARC AND “BIG BAD.” IT EMBRACE MANY OF THE SAME STORYTELLING CONVENTIONS: THE NARRATIVE CAN SHIFT, CHARACTERS CAN REVERSE PERSONALITIES FOR A TIME (ALL IN THE NAME OF GOOD-OLE TV FUN), BUT IT ALSO DONE SO WITH ACUTE SENSE OF HOW TO PLAY THOSE TROPES. THE ONLY MAJOR DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO COMES BACK TO OPTIMISM. NOT TO IMPLY THE WORLD OF BUFFY A CYNICAL ONE, BUT OFTEN SHE SEEMED A MERE CANDLE IN THE DARK, STEMMING THE ONSLAUGHT OF HORROR. MEANWHILE, THE WORLD OF DR. WHO MORE INCLUSIVE OF MAN’S OWN CONTRIBUTIONS AND THE INNATE GOODNESS OF ALL PEOPLE.

5. EVERY SHOW HAVE INHERENT PROBLEMS OR LIMITATIONS OF CONCEIT, BUT DR. WHO HAS NEIGH-UNCANNY ABILITY FOR GLIDING OVER IT’S PROBLEMS WITH GRACE AND HUMOR. FOR ONE, IT A SHOW THAT SELF-AWARE, BUT NOT PAINFULLY OR PARALYZINGLY SELF AWARE. . THINK WHAT HAPPEN WITH THE SIMPSONS AND HOW IT STOPPED TELLING STORIES BECAUSE IT BECAME TOO PAINFULLY SELF-AWARE OF ITS OWN STORYTELLING DYNAMICS.(6) AND LIKE ANYTHING, THERE BEEN SOME MORE DULL EPISODES, BUT RARELY AN ACTUAL MISSTEP. AND WHEN THERE ACTUAL MIS-STEPS, THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO RECOVER. ALSO THE PROBLEMS OF INDIVIDUAL EPISODES TEND GET FORGIVEN EASIER WHEN BLASTING THROUGH SHOW AT RAPID PACE, BUT IN TURN, THE LEGITIMACY OF ARCS AND THEIR PACING WAY MORE ACUTELY SENSED. IT REWARD GOOD GRADUAL STORYTELLING. WHICH DR. WHO SURPRISINGLY HAVE.

THE SIMPSONS STRETCHED THE IN-JOKE AND FOREVER LOST THE AFFECT OF SCENES LIKE THIS

6. ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE ASPECT THAT THERE A COMPLETELY LACK OF FAUX-DRAMA. FAUX-DRAMA A SPECIFIC THING WHERE THEY SUDDENLY DECIDE TO MAKE A CHARACTER DO SOMETHING UNLIKABLE TO CREATE THEIR OWN DRAMA, RARELY FOR GOOD REASON. IT A TV STAPLE DONE BUT IN NAME OF CREATING CONFLICT BUT IT VERY DIFFICULT THING TO ACHIEVE. IT SEEM FALSE BECAUSE IT FEEL FALSE. THINK JULIE TAYLOR SUDDENLY BECOMING INSUFFERABLE BRAT IN SEASON 2 OF FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS. HULK SENSED THE WRITERS WANTED TO EXPLORE CONCEPT OF HOW TEENS SUDDENLY BECOME SELFISH, BUT SUDDENLY SHE WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON. PEOPLE DON’T JUST SUDDENLY BECOME UNADJUSTED. THIS NOT IMPLY HULK ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO DISLIKE WHEN CHARACTERS DO THINGS HULK NO LIKE. THAT INSIPID. IT JUST SOME SHOWS HAVE TACT WITH THEIR UNLIKABLE-NESS (THINK SIX FEET UNDER), IN WHICH CHARACTERS MOSTLY DO HORRIBLE THINGS TO EACH OTHER. ANYWHO, AS OF 5 AND 1/2 SEASONS OF DR. WHO THEY YET TO DO THAT ONCE. IT JUST A MARK OF GOOD WRITING.

6. ONE OF HULK’S LITTLE FAVORITE THINGS HOW IT CONSTANTLY THROW OFF OUR SENSE OF AMERI-CENTRISM. IT JARRING TO SEE ALIENS LAND ON EARTH AND MAKE WAY FOR THIS MYSTERIOUS “LONDON” PLACE. IT ACTUALLY JARRING BECAUSE AMERICANS, WHO IN CONTROL OF MEDIA AND STUFF, REGULARLY SEE THEMSELVES AS CENTER OF UNIVERSE: “WHY THOSE ALIENS NOT LANDING IN NEW YORK?!?!!?” THIS, OF COURSE, JUST A CONDITIONED RESPONSE. THOUGH IT BEAR MENTIONING THAT THE DAVIES ERA ONCE OR TWICE WENT A LITTLE TOO FAR IN ITS OWN RIGHT OF LONDON THINKING IT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. BUT REALLY THE ANGLO-CENTRICISM JUST WONDERFUL. IT HAVE THIS ADDED BENEFIT OF INCORPORATING MULTI-ETHNIC CAST THAT SOMEWHAT FREE FROM THE ETHNIC ASSOCIATIONS WE MAKE OF THEM IN AMERICA AND THE SHOW NOT BAT AN EYE AT THE INCLUSION OF BLACK OR PAKISTANI ACTORS.(7)

7. THE MUSIC OF MURRAY GOLD. WITH THE INCLUSION OF SEASON 5’S WORK, IT NOT JUST THE BEST SCORED SHOW ON TELEVISION, IT TRANSCEND TELEVISION. IT “REALLY GOOD MOVIE SCORE” GOOD.

OBVIOUSLY, THIS JUST NOT THE FREQUENT TELEVISION “MOOD MUSIC” AND “TONES.” NOPE. DR. WHO NOT AFRAID TO BIG, BOMBASTIC. AND IMPOSSIBLY GRAND. BUT AGAIN, THE SCALE OF THE MUSIC FIT THE SCALE OF THE SHOW. AND THE OTHER PART OF THE MUSIC’S SUCCESS BECAUSE THEY SUBSCRIBE TO KUBRICKS “MUSIC WORKS LIKE A CHORUS” THEORY A BIT MORE THAN MOST… HINT: KUBRICK AIN’T NO SLOUCH.

8. BILLIE PIPER, FREEMA AGYEMAN, CATHERINE TATE, AND KAREN GILLAN MANAGE TO INFUSE MORE PERSONALITY AND NUANCE INTO THEIR CHARACTERS THAT JUST ABOUT EVERY OTHER FEMALE IN AMERICAN SCI FI/GENRE. WAIT, THAT WAY TOO LIMITED. THEY MIGHT BE FOUR OF HULK’S FOUR FAVORITE WRITTEN WOMEN IN TV… EASY … ALSO HULK FULLY WILLING TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT MAYBE JUST THE ACCENTS.

9. EVERY TIME YOU THINK YOU NO LIKE A CHARACTER… WAIT. THE SHOW KNOW HOW TO EXECUTE CHARACTER ARCS BETTER THAN ALMOST ANY OTHER SHOW.

PART THREE – FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SEEN THE ENTIRE SHOW AND BEEN WAITING FOR HULK TO TALK SPECIFICS!

SERIOUSLY. IF YOU NO SEEN GO AWAY. THIS WILL ONLY RUIN THINGS.

[WAITING TIL YOU GO AWAY]

OKAY…

LET’S TALK WHO!

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON – AT THIS POINT IT SORT OF HARD TO REMEMBER HOW MUCH HULK LIKED CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON AND HOW HE COMPARE TO THE OTHER TWO GUYS. HE HAVE BENEFIT OF BEING HULK’S “FIRST DOCTOR” BUT HULK ABSORBED HIM IN SUCH RAPID WAY THAT HE NOT REALLY SINK IN. AND THEN THERE THE MATTER THAT THE FIRST SEASON SOMEWHAT UNEVEN. HULK REMEMBER FINDING HIM QUITE LIKABLE FOR WHAT IT WORTH, THOUGH HULK ALSO REMEMBER HIM ONLY REALLY HAVING TWO DOCTOR MODES – DOPEY + SMILEY AND THEN YELLING + SERIOUS. THAT PROBABLY NOT FAIR, BUT IT WHAT HULK REMEMBER.

DAVID TENNANT – ACTUALLY, ECCLESTON MUST HAVE HAD MORE NUANCE THAN HULK REMEMBER, BECAUSE HULK AT FIRST THOUGHT TENNANT COMING OUT THE GATE A BIT BROAD AND MANIC FOR HULK’S TASTE. HULK REMEMBER MISSING THE LACK OF CONTROL. AND THEN… WELL… YEAH. TENNANT ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. HIS RUN SPANNED 4 YEARS AND HE JUST REMARKABLE, MIXING ABOUT 9 DIFFERENT KINDS OF COMIC PERSONAS. AND AS FOR HIS MOMENTS OF SOLEMNITY HE CAN ACQUIT HIMSELF BEAUTIFULLY. HIS “I’M SO SORRY” SPEECHES BECAME BIT OF CLICHE, BUT FOR GOOD REASON. THEY ABSURDLY EFFECTIVE AND NONE BETTER THAN HIS FINALE “SO SORRY” SPEECH AT THE END OF “THE WATERS OF MARS.” AS HE TALKED INTO THAT CAMERA HULK NOT GONNA LIE. THERE SOME HULK TEARS. JUST INCREDIBLE. THERE FAMOUS ANECDOTE ABOUT HOW DAVID TENNANT WATCHED DR. WHO AND SAID “I WANT TO DO THAT.” AND THEN WENT ABOUT HIS LIFE TURNING THAT INTO REALITY. FOR MOST PEOPLE WATCHING THE SHOW TODAY, TENNANT IS “THEIR DOCTOR.”

MATT SMITH -WELL IF DAVID TENNANT BORN TO PLAY DR. WHO THEN MATT SMITH BORN TO PLAY ANYONE. HOLY SHIT WHAT AN ACTOR. HIS RAPID SPEED DELIVERY, WHICH TOTALLY JARRING AT FIRST, COMES TO BE ONE OF THE MOST ENJOYABLE THINGS ON PLANET. IT AN UNSTOPPABLE WEAPON. LIKE KAREEM’S SKYHOOK OR JORDAN’S FALL-AWAY.(8) THE SHOW GET IMPOSSIBLE MILEAGE OF WATCHING SMITH WALK INTO A GROUP OF PEOPLE AND JUST START TALKING. AND BY THE END OF SEASON 5 (AND ESPECIALLY IN THE FIRST PART OF SEASON 6), SMITH HAVE TOTAL CONFIDENCE TOO. HE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE DOING AND HOW TO PACE THE PERSONA THAT MAKE THE RAPID-FIRE DOCTOR WORK (ALSO THE WRITERS HAVE A BETTER SENSE OF HIS AMAZING CAPACITY TO FLING WORDS ABOUT). THERE JUST A LITANY OF AMAZING MOMENTS WITH SMITH: THE “I’M THE DOCTOR” SPEECH AT THE END OF HIS FIRST EPISODE. THE INCREDIBLE SPEECH AT STONEHENGE. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS INTERACTIONS WITH RORY. AND ONE OF THINGS HULK LIKE THAT MATT SMITH’S DOCTOR FEELS MORE OUT OF CONTROL. ALL THE DOCTORS SORT OF UNHINGED, BUT THE DARKNESS IN SMITHS FEEL LESS “SAFE” THAN THE OTHERS. FROM A NARRATIVE PERSPECTIVE IT GREAT BECAUSE IT ALLOW FOR REAL FEELING OF DANGER INSTEAD OF JUST THE IDEA OF DANGER.

BILLIE PIPER – SHE SORTA BOXY, SORTA TRASHY, BUT SHE OUT-AND-OUT JOY. HAS THE FLIRTATIOUS SMILE DOWN TO A SCIENCE AND YOU COMPLETELY BUY HER AS SOMEONE GENUINELY CONCERNED WITH PEOPLE. HER ARC DOWNRIGHT FANTASTIC. SHE “THE COMPANION” OF THE NEW INCARNATION AND DESERVE EVERY BIT OF PRAISE SHE EVER GOTTEN. THE SHOW KNEW EXACTLY WHO SHE WAS AND WHAT TO DO WITH HER.

FREEMA AGYEMAN – ALSO INCREDIBLE. HULK THINK HULK LIKED HER MORE THAN MOST, BUT THIS IN LARGE PART DUE TO WHAT HULK THOUGHT WAS GREAT INTRODUCTION EPISODE. IT TRUE HER ARC SORT OF PETERED OUT AND HERS THE STORY OF UNREQUITED LOVE (AREN’T THEY ALL IN THIS SHOW?) BUT THERE SOME SORT OF JUST “OH WELL” ABOUT HOW SHE WENT ON HER DEPARTURE. ALSO, HULK SORT OF DISAPPOINTED WITH HOW HER POST-SEASON 3 GUEST SPOTS TURNED OUT… OH WELL.

CATHERINE TATE – WHAT A TURN… THE ONE EVERYONE HATED BECAME OH SO LOVED… SHE ALSO THE FUNNIEST COMPANION BY END OF HER RUN.

KAREN GILLAN – SHE NOT POLISHED ACTRESS THE SAME WAY THE OTHERS WERE AND SHE NOT HAVE INNATE FLIRTATIOUSNESS THAT PIPER HAD, BUT SHE HAVE OTHER THINGS THAT PERHAPS LESS EVIDENT. OKAY THE MOST EVIDENT THING THAT SHE FREAKING GORGEOUS, BUT THAT NOT DO IT FOR ACTRESSES. NOT BE LONG SHOT. LUCKILY, THERE SO MUCH MORE. SHE, LIKE ALL COMPANIONS, MADE BEAUTIFUL NOT BY WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE BUT WHO THEY ARE. FOR ONE, A FASCINATING STORY BUILT AROUND A SUBTLE CASE OF ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. A CHARACTER WHO EQUALLY NEVER QUITE COMFORTABLE WITH HERSELF, ALWAYS UNSURE. THE SHOW KNOWS EXACTLY HOW TO WRITE FOR KAREN’S STRENGTHS, HER WIDE EYED VULNERABILITY, HER ALPHA-FEMALE INSTINCTS, AND HER GANGLY-AWKWARD PRESENCE. HULK FASCINATED BY THE CHARACTER OF AMY POND AND CAN NO WAIT FOR MORE.

RUSSELL T. DAVIES – HE A GREAT SHOW-RUNNER AND KNEW HOW TO CONSTRUCT A SEASON OF TELEVISION, BUT HULK THINK HE HONESTLY NOT THAT THAT GREAT A WRITER. LOOKING OVER HIS ENTIRE WORK IN THE SERIES, HE WROTE MOST OF THE SPECIALS, PREMIERS, FINALES, ETC. BUT THOSE CATERED TO HIS BIG GRAND GESTURES. THEY WERE NOT REALLY TIGHT BITS OF STORYTELLING. HULK ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE “SMITH AND JONES” (FREEMA’S INTRODUCTION TO SERIES) ACTUALLY HIS BEST EPISODE BY FAR. HULK THINK HIS WORST EPISODE ACTUALLY “MIDNIGHT” WHICH START PROMISING AND HAVE SOME GREAT IDEAS, BUT HE NEVER REALIZED HAVING PEOPLE YELL AT EACH OTHER FOR 1 HOUR STRAIGHT THE LEAST EFFECTIVE MODE OF STORYTELLING EVER (HORROR MOVIES MAKE THIS MISTAKE ALL THE TIME).

STEVEN MOFFAT – AND THEN THERE THIS GENIUS. MOFFAT’S INDIVIDUAL EPISODES PROBABLY INCLUDE 13 OF THE 17 BEST IN THE SERIES. BUT OVERALL WORK AS SHOW-RUNNER STILL SLIGHTLY UNEVEN (THE ONE-OFF STORIES IN SEASON SIX MUCH BETTER THAN SEASON 5. “HUNGRY EARTH” / “COLD BLOOD” = LEGITIMATELY BAD). HULK THINK THAT SOME PEOPLE CRITICIZE THE MOFFAT ERA AS NOT BEING AS “FUN” BUT HULK LARGELY BELIEVE THAT BECAUSE THEY CHANGED THE CINEMATOGRAPHY MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. EVERYTHING SORT OF HAVE WASHED-OUT GRAY LOOK NOW, WHICH HAVE PLUSES AND MINUSES, BUT IT ONE OF THOSE STRANGE THINGS WHERE IT REALLY AFFECTING SOME PEOPLE. BUT AGAIN, STEPHEN MOFFAT’S SCRIPTS SHOULD BE TAUGHT IN FILM SCHOOLS.

YES THAT CAREY MULLIGAN

BEST EPISODE – HOW IN THE WORLD HULK GOT TO REACH THE EPISODE WITH ABSOLUTELY ZERO BUILDUP HULK NOT KNOW, BUT “BLINK” ONE OF THE BEST HOURS OF TELEVISION. PERIOD.

LITTLE THINGS HULK LOVES:

-THE INCREDIBLE ARC OF RORY WILLIAMS – THE SCHLUBBY “OTHER GUY” A STAPLE OF STORYTELLING AND IT ONE THAT MOFFAT SOUGHT TO REVISE WITH LASER LIKE ACCURACY. RORY’S JOURNEY TO BECOMING “THE LAST CENTURION” ONE OF THE TRUE JOYS OF GETTING TO WATCH A CHARACTER ARC AND NOW IT IN SUCH AN INTERESTING PLACE. RORY HAS 1000 YEARS ON THE DOCTOR AFTER ALL.

-NEIL GAIMAN’S EPISODE = PERFECT.

-THE INFINITE POSSIBILITIES OF RIVER SONG

-ROSE SAYING “EVFREEFING.”

-ROSE’S MOM

-THE JUXTAPOSITION OF DONNA NOBLE BEING GREAT SET-UP FOR WHY HE PICK MARTHA JONES.

-MARTHA JONES IN THE LAB COAT.

-THEN COMING AROUND ON DONNA NOBLE

-DAVID TENNANT PULLING OUT THE GLASSES

-THE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT OF AMY POND AND HOW THE SHOW DEALS WITH SUCH CARE.

-THE FACE OF BOE AND WHO IT MIGHT BE

-THAT THEY CAME TO UNDERSTAND THAT DALEKS ARE MOSTLY JUST FUNNY.

GENERAL QUESTIONS:

-WHY DID MICKEY AND MARTHA END UP TOGETHER AGAIN? SORTA SEEMED A LITTLE THROW-AWAY-Y AND SHE HAD HER OTHER DUDE WE LIKED.

-WHO THOUGHT “VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED” WAS GOOD IDEA?

-WATCHING THE SHOW ALL AT ONCE… IT REALLY KINDA ANNOYING TO HAVE SO MUCH TORCHWOOD CROSSOVER FUCKING EVERYWHERE. ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HULK BARELY WATCHED IT. BAD MOVE ON THEIR PART? ON HULK’S?

HULK’S FAVORITE LINES:

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST A MADMAN WITH A BOX.” / “THERE’S SOMETHING YOU BETTER UNDERSTAND ABOUT ME, ‘CAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT AND ONE DAY YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT. I AM DEFINITELY A MADMAN WITH A BOX.”

DOCTOR: “_____ ARE COOL”

“FEAR ME I’VE KILLED HUNDREDS OF TIME LORDS” / “FEAR ME I’VE KILLED ALL OF THEM.”

“BITING’S EXCELLENT. IT’S LIKE KISSING ONLY THERE IS A WINNER.”

“DO THE SMART THING. LET SOME ONE ELSE TRY FIRST”

DALEK LINES: “EXPLAIN! EXPLAAAAAAIN!” / “ENJOY THE TEA! ENJOOOOOOOOY!” / “MERCY! MERCYYYYYY!”

“AM I… GINGER?”

“NEW-NEW DOCTOR.”

“I’M AMELIA AND YOU’RE LATE.”

“IT DOESN’T DO WOOD.”

“CALL HER MUMMY, NOT ‘BIG MILK THING.'” / “YOU SPEAK BABY?” / “I SPEAK EVERYTHING.”

“BASICALLY, RUN.”

“CROSSING INTO ESTABLISHED EVENTS IS FORBIDDEN. EXCEPT FOR CHEAP TRICKS.”

“I’M SORRY AMY, BUT YOUR HOUSE IS TOO BIG.”

[REACHES FOR TOP OF HEAD] “I CAN BUY A FEZ”

“OH AND I MET A HORSE”

[TURNS] “YOU WERE FANTASTIC.”

“____ THE GIRL/BOY WHO WAITED.”

‘I’VE SEEN FAKE GODS AND BAD GODS AND DEMIGODS AND WOULD-BE GODS; OUT OF ALL THAT, OUT OF THAT WHOLE PANTHEON, IF BELIEVE IN ONE THING… JUST ONE THING… I BELIEVE IN HER.”

“BUT FOR ONE MOMENT. ONE SHINING MOMENT. SHE WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE.”

AND THEN… THERE THIS:

EPIC.

ENDNOTES

(1) – THERE A FAIR AMOUNT OF ADULTS WHO SOME WATCHED THE OLDER ITERATION OF THE SHOW (THE ONES WHO COULD GET PAST THE VIDEO PRODUCTION AESTHETICS), BUT WITH THE MODERN ITERATION, ESPECIALLY HULK’S GENERATION, IT JUST NOT KNOWN ON LEVEL OF POPULARITY IT SHOULD BE. IT NOW JUST REACHING THE LEVEL OF SMALL-CABLE-SIZED HIT WITH LITTLE CULTURAL PENETRATION BEYOND THE FANS THAT DESPERATELY LOVE IT. STILL, THERE DEFINITELY A MOVEMENT GROWING BEHIND AND HULK WANT THROW SUPPORT BEHIND THAT. SO, YOU KNOW, THIS COLUMN.

(2) – WHY NO OLDER SHOWS ON THAT LIST? THE TRUTH THAT THERE JUST TOO SEVERE A DIFFERENCE IN QUALITY OF TELEVISION POST-SOPRANOS AS OPPOSED TO PRE-SOPRANOS. IT HAVE THE SAME EFFECT AS THE HAYS CODE. OF COURSE THERE A MILLION INCREDIBLE TV SHOWS OF NON-MODERN INTEREST: MARY TYLER MOORE (SHOULD BE  A TV-WRITERS TEXT BOOK), CHEERS, ALL IN THE FAMILY, THE WONDER YEARS, HILL ST. BLUES, ETC. THEY GREAT THEY JUST LIMITED IN THEIR SCOPE AND POSSIBLITY. IT TOTALLY NOT A MATTER OF JUST BEING ABLE TO SAY “FUCK.” IT A MATTER OF BEING ABLE TO EXPLORE CONCEPTS IN A CINEMATIC WAY, OR SERIALIZED CHARACTER STUDY. THAT THE BIG CHANGE. TV SHOWS NEVER MEANT TO HAVE SHELF LIFE AND DURATION BEYOND REPEATS. EVEN HILL STREET BLUES WAS ABOUT BEING INTERESTING “THAT WEEK” AND NOT TELLING A LARGER STORY (THOUGH THEY COULD DO THAT). AND THE SERIALIZED STORYTELLING OF THE ERA WAS EITHER JUVENILE OR NOT-SO-GOOD PULPY. THERE JUST TOO MANY DIFFERENCES IN THE APPROACH. A POSSIBLE COMPARISON = THE DEAD-BALL ERA IN BASEBALL. IT JUST NO COMPARE.

(3)  -THERE GREAT THEORY THAT JAMES BOND ACTUALLY A TIME LORD. THINK ABOUT IT. IT MAKE PERFECT SENSE.

(4) – IT NO MISTAKE IN MULHOLLAND DRIVE TOO.

(5) – UGH. HERE WE GO. HULK LOVE WHEDON’S WORK BUT HULK NOT A “WHEDON PERSON” IF THAT MAKE SENSE. THERE THIS WEIRD TENDENCY OF HIS FANDOM TO BORDER ON MEGALOMANIA, AS IF HE THE ONLY ONE MAKING TRULY EXCELLENT PROGRAMMING WITH DISTINCT VOICE, WHEN ACTUALLY HE JUST ONE OF MANY. HULK IMAGINE THIS HAPPEN FOR SEVERAL REASONS: A) IT CAME AT TIME IN THEIR LIFE THAT THERE JUST NOT MUCH ELSE LIKE IT SO IT HUGELY INFLUENTIAL B) THE WHEDON FANS SO USED TO BE ON THEIR OWN ISLAND AND RIDICULED BY OTHER NERD FANS THAT DIDN’T GET IT THAT THEY CREATED THIS SOLIPSISTIC LIKE MINDSET. NOW IT JUST THIS INGRAINED DEFENSIVE MECHANISM DESPITE THE FACT LOTS PEOPLE FINALLY COME AROUND ON JOSS. WHY TAKE SO LONG? WELL IT DID FOR HULK TOO. HULK SUSPECT IT BECAUSE THERE SERIOUS HURDLES IN JUMPING INTO JOSS’S TONE BECAUSE ON SURFACE IT ALL JUST SEEM KINDA STUPID. BUT ONCE GET INTO IT, IT TRANSCENDENT. WELL, THE SAME WAS TRUE OF DR. WHO. HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHY WE KEEP DOING THIS. WE ASSUME THESE BELOVED THINGS ARE SOME “LESS THAN” AND IT ALWAYS A MISTAKE. AND REMEMBER THIS FROM SOMEHULK WHO LIKE ALL HIS WORK OUTSIDE OF DOLLHOUSE (WHICH STILL FASCINATING IN ITS FAILURE). AND IF YOU KNOW THINK HE NOT GOING TO TURN AVENGERS INTO VERY GOOD MOVIE YOU LIKELY MISTAKEN.

(6) – EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT PROBLEMS WITH THE SIMPSONS, BUT NO ONE SEEMS MENTION THE FACT THAT THE STORYTELLING DISAPPEARED UP ITS OWN ASSHOLE. THEY USED TO USE THE JAMES L. BROOKS MODEL. SEASON 10 IS UNRECOGNIZABLE TO THAT.

(7) – ONE LITTLE THING HULK FIND INTERESTING: THE USE OF THE WORD “BLACK” IN U.K. FAR DIFFERENT THAN HERE. AFRICAN-AMERICAN = THE PROPER WRITTEN NOMENCLATURE IN AMERICA, BUT NOT NECESSARILY IN U.K. WHERE “BLACK” CONSIDERED PERFECTLY PROPER. THIS NOT TO IMPLY BLACK NECESSARILY A “BAD WORD” HERE. IT INTERESTING BECAUSE A LOT OF OTHER EUROPEAN NATIONS HAVE ADOPTED “AFRO-____” NOMENCLATURE, BUT SOMETIMES WE FORGET THAT P.C. TERMINOLOGY NOT NECESSARILY TRANSLATE ACROSS CULTURE. OH AND FOR LOVE OF GOD, NO THINK HULK COMPLAINING P.C. VERBIAGE NOR THINK ONE HAS TO ADHERE TO IT. HULK JUST HIGHLY INTERESTED IN THE LINGUISTIC DISCUSSION. THAT ALL. HULK WANT U.K. READERS INPUT!

(8) – SORRY. THOSE ARE REALLY GOOD BASKETBALL PLAYERS WHO EACH HAD AN UNSTOPPABLE MOVE THAT ALWAYS WENT IN.