WE LIVE IN AGE OF THE “INTERNET CLIP”… IT UNDENIABLE PART OF LIFE NOW. HULK OKAY WITH THIS. JUST THIS WEEK, CLIP OF GOLDEN VOICE HOMELESS MAN TED WILLIAMS CHANGE HIS LIFE. IT SPEAK TO ACTUAL POWER OF AMERICAN DREAM/REDEMPTION. THERE SOME REAL WONDERFUL THING BEHOLD.
IT ALSO ALLOW PEOPLE LOOK AT KITTENS, RACIST COMMENT, AND PEOPLE HURTING THEMSELVES FALLING.
BUT IT IN SPIRIT OF FIRST THINGS HULK TALK ABOUT, THAT HULK BRING YOU HULK’S 5 FAVORITE YOUTUBE CLIP
5. NORM MACDONALD ABSOLUTELY SLAYING CONAN
NORM MACDONALD SPECIAL COMEDIAN. THE MAN SIMPLY NOT GIVE A FUCK. BUT IN BEST POSSIBLE WAY. HE SEEM HAVE NO INTEREST IN ANYTHING HOLLYWOOD OR WHO HE OFFEND. NOT BECAUSE HE LIKE BEING ASSHOLE. BUT BECAUSE HE FIND THE OBVIOUS TRUTH OF THINGS JUST TOO FUNNY. THIS WHOLE CLIP EXCELLENT, BUT AT 5:30 IT GET SCATHING AND BY 7:16 CONAN JUST LOSE IT.
4. THE MAGIC OF FERROFLUID
IT ACTUALLY PRETTY SIMPLE. TAKE COLLIDIOL SOLUTION OF OIL/WATER DIVIDED BY A SUFACTANT AND SUSPAND IRON NANOPARTICLES TO CREATE ONE OF MOST BEAUTIFUL SCIENTIFIC REACTION IMAGINABLE… WHAT? WHY SURPRISED? HULK SCIENTIST HALF THE TIME… PUNY BANNER.
3. ANIMAL AND RITA MORENO
ANIMAL GREAT BUT HAVE PROBLEM OF BE ONE NOTE JOKE. SO WHAT MAKE MUPPETS GREAT IS HOW OFTEN AND HOW WELL THEY AUGMENT ANIMAL. THIS CLIP JUST PERFECT.
2. DAVID FOSTER WALLACE SUM UP PROBLEM WITH CURRENT INTELLECTUAL CULTURE IN LESS THAN 2 MINUTE
SO SUCCINCT. HE HAVE WAY OF TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING COMPLEX AND MAKING ACCESSIBLE WITHOUT DUMBING DOWN. HE JUST SMARTER THAN ALL OTHER HUMAN BEING. HULK ONCE WATCH HIM HAVE CONVERSATION WITH LEADER. WALLACE ACTUALLY PERSUADE LEADER PUT DOWN LASER RIFLE SO THEY COULD FINISH TALK KAFKA. THINKING BOUT IT NOW, JUST MAKE HULK SAD. IT TRAGEDY IN TRUEST SENSE OF WORD.
1/ STEVIE WONDER PERFORM SUPERSTITION SESAME STREET
THIS HULK’S ALL TIME FAVORITE CLIP. IT STEVIE BEST PERFORMANCE (PARTIALLY BY MAKE SONG ½ COUNT FAST) AND JUST PERFECT ENERGY WHOLE WAY THROUGH. HULK LOVE WAY IT BREAK DOWN AND COME BACK AT END. AND EVERYONE IN BAND HAVE SUCH DISTINCT PRESENCE/LOOK.
BUT THE STAR OF VIDEO? THE KID WITH LONG HAIR ROCKING OUT IN BACKGROUND AT :39 AND 4:08… YOU HAVE TO WATCH THOSE PART. HE JUST AMAZING.
I MEAN THIS ON SESAME STREET!?!?!?! THE WHOLE IDEA AND PERFORMANCE OF KID ROCKING OUT REALLY CAPTURE MOMENT IN TIME WHERE THIS POSSIBLE. HULK LOVE IT.
SOFIA COPPOLA GET LOT OF FLACK. HULK NOT REALLY UNDERSTAND. SOFIA SIMPLY MAKE FEMININE MOVIES. THIS IMPORTANT IN WORLD WHERE FEMALE DIRECTOR HAVE TO BE KATHERINE BIGALOW TO BE SUCCESS (HULK MEAN ONE NEED MAKE TESTOSTERONE-FUELED MOVIES). SO WHY MAKING FEMININE MOVIES SO OBJECTIONABLE? MOVIES NOT MEANT BE FOR EVERYONE. YEAH HULK LIKE COMIC BOOK NERD MOVIE TOO, AND SOFIA OPPOSITE OF THAT, SO WHAT? SOFIA FILL NEED SORELY LACK IN MAINSTREAM.
IT NOT LIKE HER MOVIES SEX AND CITY OR SOMETHING EITHER (WHICH ALSO HULK ALSO FINE WITH… IN DIFFERENT WAY). BUT SOFIA MOVIES: LOW KEY. FEATURE EXCELLENT USE OF SOUND. THEY HAVE DISTINCT EUROPEAN SENSIBILITY AND SHE NOT AFRAID LET SCENES PLAY OUT. SHE KNOW HOW TREAT SUBJECT WITH DELICACY. SHE ALMOST ALWAYS RATHER FEATURE OBSERVATION OVER DRAMA.
THIS NO MAKE HER UNIQUE VOICE IN CINEMA?
OF COURSE IT DO. WHICH MEAN HULK ARGUE SOFIA CRITICAL IN MAINSTREAM CINEMATIC LANDSCAPE.
PICTURED: DAINTY-NESS... DEAL WITH IT NERDS
HULK MAYBE THINK SOME RESENT ENTITLED QUALITY TO HER WORK. HULK UNDERSTAND THIS. ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THIS NEW ONE YET NOTHER FILM ABOUT BORED, DISAFFECTED RICH PEOPLE. AFTER ALL, IT SOMETIME HARD RELATE PEOPLE WHO NEVER WORRY ABOUT MONEY, REALITY, OR REGULAR THINGS REST OF US HAVE WORRY BOUT ALL THE TIME. (THEN AGAIN, HULK SPEND HULK’S TIME WORRY BOUT IMPENDING DOOM IF LEADER ESCAPE). HULK ALSO UNDERSTAND THAT NEPOTISM INVOLVED IS WORRISOME THING. BUT STILL, A FILM EARNED ON SCREEN NO MATTER HOW IT COME TO BE. A FILM CAN’T BE DISHONEST WITHOUT FEELING DISHONEST. TO QUOTE RASHEED WALLACE: “BALL DON’T LIE.” SO NO MATTER WHO HER FATHER, SOFIA STILL NEED MAKE FILM FOR ALL TO SEE. FILM EQUALIZING IN END. SO WITH THESE TWO CONSIDERATION, SOFIA CHOOSE MAKE MOVIES VERY PERSONAL. IF THESE MOVIE TOOK PLACE IN WORLD SHE NOT KNOW… WOULDN’T THAT BE MORE DISHONEST?
SOFIA FILMOGRAPHY INTERESTING SO FAR. “VIRGIN SUICIDES” SORT OF A MESS, BUT INTERESTING FIRST FORAY. IT DO HAVE VERY NICE FEEL AT POINTS. “LOST IN TRANSLATION” OBVIOUSLY ROUSING SUCCESS BY ALL REGARD. AND HULK FEEL “MARIE ANTOINETTE” MISUNDERSTOOD AMBITIOUS FILM THAT WORK AS META COMMENTARY ON ROYALTY AND THEN TRANSLATE THAT FEELING TO MODERNITY. HULK APPRECIATE THESE FILM VERY MUCH.
FEMINISM
AND NOW, “SOMEWHERE” FEEL LIKE BOTH STEP FORWARD, AND IN SOME WAY A STEP BACK FOR SOFIA. HULK STILL TRYING SORT THAT PART OUT AND EXPLAIN IN MINUTE. BUT FIRST. WHY IT STEP FORWARD:
“SOMEWHERE” PUSH SOFIA EVEN FURTHER IN DIRECTION OF NATURALISM. THERE LONG SEQUENCES OF MERE CHARACTER OBSERVATION. IT ALSO MANAGE BE COMPLETELY DEVOID OF DRAMA, WHICH GIVE SLIGHT HINT OF AVANTE GARDE. OR CINEREALISM. OR OTHER THING THAT NOT DESCRIBE IT CORRECTLY. “SOMEWHERE” MERELY AIM TO CAPTURE REAL MOMENTS IN LIFE OF AGING BAD BOY MOVIE STAR. THE VACUUM OF FAME. THE LACK OF CONNECTION. AND COUNTER THAT WITH ODD THRILLS OF MUNDANE LIFE.
SOFIA MANAGE PUSH THE SILENCES EVEN LONGER HERE . SHE FIND THE MONOTONY IN UNEXPECTED PLACES ( NOBODY BETTER THAN SOFIAAT CAPTURING SAD AWKWARDNESS OF A STRIPPER ROUTINE). BUT WHAT ELEVATE THESE CHOICES HOW SHE THEN ABLE TO JUXTAPOSE THOSE MOMENTS WITH MOMENTS OF SILENCE WHERE CHARACTERS AT PEACE. IT NICE DICHOTOMY.
STEPHEN DORFF PERFECTLY SERVICEABLE. THIS MAY SOUND LIKE SLIGHT BUT IT NOT. SILENCE MOSTLY REQUIRED OF HIM BUT HE NOT EXACTLY TRANSCEND IN WAY DAY-LEWIS ACT WITH SILENCE, BUT HE CONVEY ADEQUATE EMPTINESS. MUCH BETTER ARE SCENES WITH DAUGHTER. THEY FEEL HONEST AND TRUE. DORFF DO GOOD JOB BALANCING BETWEEN SEEMING RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH AND YET BEING INHERENTLY LIMITED AS ABSENTEE YOUNG PARENT.
THIS FILM WAS NOT ABOUT PARENTHOOD
HULK LIKE ELLE FANNING TOO. SHE AND SOFIA MAKE GREAT CHOICE HAVE HER ACT LIKE ACTUAL KID. SO OFTEN MOVIE TODAY HAVE KIDS ACT LIKE MINI-ADULTS. THIS ALMOST ALWAYS STRIKE HULK WRONG.* MEANWHILE, ELLE ACT LIKE REAL 11 YEAR OLD. NO, HULK NOT MEAN INSUFFERABLE. HULK MEAN ONE ONE WHO GUARDED, BUT WHIMSICAL. ONE WITH HER OWN INTERESTS, BEHAVIOR, AND EMOTIONS. IT COMPLETELY REFRESHING.
AND THEN JACKASS-ENSEMBLE-MEMBER CHRIS PONTIUS STRANGELY FANTASTIC. ONE GET SENSE HE JUST SORT OF TALKING ABOUT WHATEVER (HULK NOT SURE IF IMPROVISED?) BUT SORT OF CAPTURES EXACTLY WHAT HE NEED TO. HE BALANCE BETWEEN OLD FRIEND, HANGER-ON, DOPE, AND PRETTY DECENT GUY. HIS CHARACTER MAY SEEM TANGENTIAL AND DECORATIVE, BUT HULK ARGUE HIS PRESENCE CRITICAL. AND HE PERFECT FOR IT.
ACTOR
LASTLY, THE FOURTH MAJOR CHARACTER CHATEAU MARMONT ITSELF. OFTEN WE SAY FILM USE SCENERY AS CHARACTER AND SOMETIMES IT TRUE. HERE IT DEFINITELY TRUE. IT CAPTURE NOT JUST SETTING, BUT A MOOD AND LIFESTYLE. IT PERFECT.
THESPIAN
SO WHY “SOMEWHERE” ALSO A STEP BACK? THERE WAY IN WHICH “SOMEWHERE” JUST FEEL TOO EASY. ALL THE OBSERVATION NOT OBVIOUS EXACTLY, BUT IT MOVIE COMPLETELY WITHIN SOFIA’S WHEELHOUSE. HULK FEEL LIKE SOFIA TRANSCEND THE PERIOD PIECE WITH “MARIE ANTOINETTE” AND NOW SHE JUST GO BACK TO SOMETHING THAT YOU FEEL LIKE WAS NOT STRUGGLE TO EXECUTE WHATSOEVER.
BUT AS MUCH AS HULK WANT SOMETHING MORE, “SOMEWHERE” CAN NO BE DENIED. IT CAN’T HELP BUT FEEL HONEST.
HOW HULK DENY THAT?
ENDNOTE:
*HULK’S FAVORITE EXAMPLE OF CHILDREN ACTING LIKE ADULTS: THE OLD VERSION VS. REMAKE OF “THE OMEN.” IN ORIGINAL, THE MYSTERY OF WHETHER KID ACTUALLY DEVIL SUSTAINED CAUSE KID JUST ACT LIKE YOUNG KID. IN REMAKE, TO BE “SCARIER” THEY CAST CREEPY WIDE-EYED KID WHO OBVIOUSLY EVIL FROM START. BY REMOVE UNKNOWN ELEMENT, THEY UNWITTINGLY FUCK THEMSELVES AND MOVIE.
THESE LISTS PERSONAL. IT HARD SAY ONE MOVIE BETTER THAN ANOTHER, ESPECIALLY WHEN BOTH MOVIE ARE GOOD AND BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT AIMS. THAT BE SAID, HULK TEND TO REWARD FILMS THAT TRANSCEND RATHER THAN EXECUTE THE STANDARD… EXCEPT WHEN HULK… DOESN’T… IT DEPEND.
SECOND OFF!!
HULK STILL HAVE SEE MORE MOVIES. AT TOP LIST: BLUE VALENTINE, ENTER THE VOID, MONSTERS, MCGRUBER, RABBIT HOLE, THE FIGHTER, CYRUS, THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT, 127 HOURS, THE GHOST WRITER, EXIT THROUGH GIFT SHOP, AND OTHERS… WOW.. THAT LOT… SORRY, BUT HULK GOTTA PAY FOR THIS SHIT UNLIKE LOTS OTHER CRITICS. SO THIS LIST CHANGE
THIRD OFF!!!
HULK PICK 13 MOVIES CAUSE HULK ALWAYS DRAW LINE OF MOVIES IN “TOP TIER” FOR YEAR. IT CAN BE ANY NUMBER. THESE FILMS FEEL LIKE IN CLASS OF OWN.
(NOTE: NOW UPDATED TO 15 AS HULK JUST SEE TWO NEW MOVIE)
FILM CRIT HULK’S TOP 15 FILMS OF 2010:
WARNING: ACTUAL ACTORS
15. THE KING’S SPEECH (ADDED IN UPDATE)
THE KING SPEECH SEEM LIKE KIND OF OSCAR BAIT MOVIE POISED TO CHARM OLD PEOPLE, AND THEN BORE YOUNGER FOLK WITH DISCERNING TASTE. TRAILER NOT REALLY HELP DISSUADE THAT WITH ALTERNATING WACKINESS FOLLOW BY SWELLING GRAVITAS. BUT THE KING SPEECH ACTUALLY FANTASTIC. IT ASSURED. EVEN-KEELED. WELL OBSERVED. ALL WACKINESS PERFECTLY IN CONTEXT. FIRTH GIVE ONE OF BEST PERFORMANCES OF CAREER (AND HULK NO CAN WAIT FOR HIM TEAM UP WITH COEN BROS). BETTER YET, IT ACTUALLY CHARACTERIZE BOTH CONTEXTUAL IMPORTANCE OF MONARCHY AND SPECIFIC TIME IN HISTORY. IN SHORT, THE KING SPEECH RATHER GOOD.
JAMES FRANCO. HE'S SO HOT RIGHT NOW
14. HOWL
IT NOT REALLY A MOVIE. IT REALLY JUST READINGS OF HOWL SET AGAINST ANIMATION AND JAMES FRANCO DOING INTERVIEW/IMPRESSION AS/OF ALLEN GINSBERG. AND IT GREAT. AFTER ALL, THAT ALL IT REALLY REALLY NEED.
THIS WILL MAKE SENSE... SORT OF
13. I’M HERE
THIS FILM SHOULD COUNT EVEN LESS, CAUSE IT ACTUALLY A SHORT. BUT 30 MIN LONG ENOUGH FOR HULK CONSIDERATION ON THIS LIST. SPIKE JONZE CONTINUE TO AMAZE HULK. HULK HAVE GO BACK TO THE KANYE SHORT WHICH SHOWCASE SPIKE’S ABILITY BUILD UP MONOTONY/SEEMINGLY RANDOM EVENTS ONLY HAVE IT CREST INTO POETIC, POIGNANT MOMENTS. KANYE’S SUDDEN, FINAL EMOTIONAL STANDOFF WITH HIS INNER “WILD THING” SHOWCASE JONZE CAPABLE OF SUCH MOMENTS OF UNEXPECTED, SHOCKING HEARTBREAK. AND HE DO SO FROM CONCOCTING THE STRANGEST IMAGES… SO WHEN COMES TO “I’M HERE” WE GET THE SAME IDEA. MORE GLORIOUS STRANGE POETICISM FROM SPIKE JONZE: CHECK OUT ENTIRE FILM HERE ONLINE: http://www.imheremovie.com/
WHY ALL CHILDREN NOT HAVE SCOTTISH ACCENTS TOO?
12. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
GOOD FOR DREAMWORKS. READER MAY NOTICE HULK PUT THIS ABOVE TOY STORY 3. SOME SAY THIS BLASPHEMY. THAT FINE. PROBLEM WITH TOY STORY 3 FOR HULK IS IT FEEL LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN REHASH OF AMAZING EMILY SEQUENCE OF TOY STORY 2… ONLY DRAWN OUT TO 2 HOURS. DON’T GET HULK WRONG. HULK ENJOY TOY STORY 3 VERY MUCH. AND HULK APPRECIATE EXISTENTIAL CHUTZPUH OF 3RD ACT AND ALL, BUT PIXAR WAS GOING EXCEPTION AND ORIGINAL DIRECTION BEFORE TOY STORY 3 (WITH WALL-E + UP)… SO WHY GO BACK AND RETREAD? IN END IT JUST FEEL LIKE NAKED CASH GRAB EVEN IF THAT NOT PIXAR M.O. (THO WHEN LOOK UP BOX OFFICE, RATATOUILLE AND RECENT ALL NOT DO AS WELL AS TOY STORY’S + NEMO, ETC… SO PERHAPS NOT UNFOUNDED) … MEANWHILE, DREAMWORKS FINALLY MAKE ACTUAL MOVIE WITH HOW TRAIN DRAGON. THE STORY DONE RATHER WELL AND SOMEHOW IT ORIGINAL FEELING FILM. HULK KNOW, HULK KNOW! IT TAKE TONS FROM OTHER MOVIE BUT THE AMALGAMATION TOTALLY SUCCESSFUL. ANYCRAP, HULK LIKE IT BETTER. SO THERE.
"NO. YOU DON'T JUST DROP THE R'S. SHORTEN THE VOWELS TOO OR ELSE YOU'LL SOUND LIKE A NEW YORKAH"
11. THE TOWN
SO FILMCRITHULK MAY OR MAY NO BE FROM AREA OF THIS MOVIE ORIGINALLY. SO SURE, THERE ONE PART OF HULK THAT APPRECIATE ABILITY OF TOWN TO “GET THINGS RIGHT” SO TO SAY… YET THERE OTHER PART OF HULK THAT WORRY ABOUT ROMANTICIZING OF BOSTON MEAT-HEAD TOWNIE GANGSTERISM (AND YES, THIS A THING). BUT TRUTH IS, NEITHER REALLY MATTER. THE TOWN SIMPLY WELL-MADE AND FOCUSED MOVIE. HEIST SCENES REALISTIC YET RATHER INTENSE. CHARACTERIZATION FLUID. MAIN ROMANCE ORGANIC. IT FRAMEWORK IMPECCABLE. IF HULK HAVE ONE WORD USE TO DESCRIBE, HULK SAY “BALANCED” BUT MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, THE TOWN (+ GONE BABY GONE) SHOW AFFLECK DYNAMIC AND HAVE BRIGHT FUTURE. AFFLECK DONE GOOD.
YOU CAN NO DRINK TEA UNDERWATER. SHE NOT EVEN HAVE CUP.
10. SOMEWHERE
HULK DETAIL THOUGHTS HERE. THIS FILM REALLY GROW ON HULK.
"THE BEST THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE IS PEOPLE WILL STOP MISTAKING YOU FOR MICHAEL CERA... HOPEFULLY... PEOPLE ARE PRETTY DUMB."*
9. THE SOCIAL NETWORK
PLACEMENT OF SOCIAL NETWORK ON HULKS LIST VERY TRICKY. IT MOVE AROUND LOTS. SOMETIMES HULK PLACE AS HIGH AS 5. AND HULK DO SO CAUSE FIRST HOUR BEYOND EXCEPTIONAL. IT BALANCE PROPULSIVE FILMMAKING AND CAREFUL ARTICULATION. HULK LOVE IT CAUSE IT DO THINGS WELL MOST MOVIE NOT BOTHER DO AT ALL. LIKE DIALOGUE, ETC… BUT SECOND HALF MOVIE TEND WANDER FOR HULK (EVERYTHING POST-TILT SHIFT RACE SEQUENCE). THERE LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY BECAUSE OF REAL NON-FICTION ELEMENT HULK KNOW… BUT HULK FEEL LIKE THEY SPEND SO MUCH TIME SETTING UP ENDING AND THAT TIME COMPLETELY LACK FOCUS OF WHAT COME BEFORE. WORSE, HULK FEEL LIKE SECOND HALF LOSE TRACK OF ZUCKERBERG ALL TOGETHER. THIS SOUND LIKE INANE COMPLAINT CONSIDERING ALL THIS MADE UP WITH POIGNANT, BITING ENDING… HULK LOVE WHAT THE SOCIAL NETWORK HAVE TO SAY, AND HOW IT SAY IT… BUT STILL HULK CAN’T SHAKE SOMETHING ABOUT AIMLESSNESS OF LAST HOUR. SOCIAL NETWORK TRANSCENDENT, YET LIMITED. YEARS FROM NOW WHO KNOW WHERE THIS BE ON LIST? EVEN IN WRITING THIS, HULK FEEL LIKE IT CHANGING HULK’S MIND.
*AND HULK LIKE MICHAEL CERA TOO DAMMIT. EVERYONE STOP COMPLAIN.
"ALL RIGHT LET'S GO FIND SOME MORE SQUIRREL GUTS"
8. WINTER’S BONE
THERE THREE THING THAT ELEVATE THIS QUIET, ABSURDLY WELL-MADE OZARK NOIR: 1) JENNIFER LAWRENCE AS REE. SHE INCREDIBLE. SHE CARRY WEIGHT OF ENTIRE MOVIE AND HAVE DO SO MANY THINGS WITHOUT REALLY CHANGING OUTWARD BEHAVIOR. NOW HULK JUST WORRY ABOUT LACK OF GREAT ROLES FOR JENNIFER LAWRENCE CAUSE NO GOOD ROLES FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 2) FILM SO ASSURED. DIRECTOR DEBRA GRANIK HAVE SUCH SENSE FOR ENVIRONMENT. 3) WINTERS BONE MADE TRANSCENDENT BY JOHN HAWKES. HULK MUST GET SPOILERY NOW SO TURN AWAY IF NO SEE MOVIE… THERE NOTHING MORE AMAZING IN FILM THEN WHEN AUDIENCE CONSTANTLY CHANGING ITS MIND ON CHARACTER PURELY THROUGH NATURE OF THE CONTEXT. EVOLUTION OF HAWKES’ CHARACTER KIND OF BALANCING ACT THAT NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO DO. AND IF THAT DON’T WORK MOVIE FAIL ALL TOGETHER… “THIS GOING TO BE END OF THINGS?”
THEY ALMOST FILMED MOVIE LIKE THIS
7. SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD
TRUST EDGAR WRIGHT. IT THAT SIMPLE. AT FIRST, MANY REACT AND UNFAIRLY MALIGN PILGRIM AS “HIPSTER BULLSHIT” (NONSENSICAL TERM THERE EVER WAS ONE). IN DO SO, WHAT THEY MISS IS ENDLESSLY INVENTIVE AND BADASS FILM. IN FACT THIS FILM ABOUT BEATING UP HIPSTERS. SO POTENTIAL AUDIENCE MAY HAVE… MISUNDERSTOOD. BETTER YET, PILGRIM ANCHORED BY SIMPLE FOCUS ON MATURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS AND DO SO IN REALISTIC WAY, FAR REMOVED FROM TRADITIONAL LOVE STORY RHAPSODY. BUT THE EDITING OF OF FILM MAY BE BIGGEST WINNER. IT TAKE DEEPLY EPISODIC NARRATIVE AND TURN IT STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS FLO-MATIC GENIUS. HULK IN AWE… OF COURSE, IN COMICS THERE NICE FOCUS ON MALAISE AND REAL LIFE JOB STUFF AND HULK WISH THAT HAVE SOME REPRESENTATION, BUT THAT MINOR. THE FILM PERFECT COMPANION PIECE TO THE BOOKS… THERE NO HIGHER COMPLIMENT.
JESUS
6. BLACK SWAN
ARONOFSKY TYPICALLY ON-POINT. THE MAN DIRECT HELL OUT OF MOVIES. BLACK SWAN GET DEEP UNDER HULKS SKIN. IT VISCERAL BODY HORROR + REALISTIC PORTRAIT OF RIGORS OF BALLET. AND IT ESSENTIALLY HAUNTING META-REWORKING OF SWAN LAKE ITSELF. BRILLIANT. BUT REALLY “BLACK SWAN” IS NATALIE. SHE TRANSCENDENT (HULK KEEP USING THAT WORD. HULK KNOW. BUT HULK DOING IT FOR REASON. HULK TRYING CONVEY WHAT MAKE MOVIE MORE THAN GOOD). NATALIE’S WHITE SWAN MORE NATALIE WE SEEN BEFORE, BUT TO WATCH UNRAVEL AND WHEN FINALLY SHE HAVE TRIUMPHANT “BLACK SWAN” MOMENT IT TRULY ENTHRALLING.
IF YOU SEE HER YOU ALREADY DEAD
5. KICK ASS
HULK FIND THIS MOVIE THE MOST COMPLEX THING COME OUT THIS YEAR BELIEVE OR NOT… LIKELY YOU NOT. WHERE WATCHMEN HAVE LOT TO SAY ABOUT POLITICS, HUMANITY, AND CULTURE. KICK ASS COMMENTARY STAY ALMOST SUPERHERO SPECIFIC. (AND LET HULK TELL YOU, HULK KNOW THING OR TWO BOUT SUPERHERO). KICK ASS ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTOOD ITS MOMENT. IN WORLD WHERE SUPERHERO ORIGINS/DYNAMICS STALE AND ROTE TO AUDIENCE, KICK ASS ELEVATE COMIC VIOLENCE INTO ACTUAL VIOLENCE (GETTING COMIC FAN WORKED UP/ENTRALLED/AMAZED) THEN USE TIMELY INJECTIONS OF GRISLY REALISM TO TURN MOMENTS AND EXPECTATIONS ON HEAD (THINK THE STABBING, THE VIDEO, ETC). THIS NOT TO “FUCK WITH AUDIENCE” OR COME WITH SOME INNER MOTIVATION TO “GO DARKER” THIS BRILLIANT WAY OF ACTUALLY GETTING CYNICAL COMIC AUDIENCE TO REACT. TO CARE. THE AUDIENCE NOT LIKE “OH AWESOME!” THEY ACTUALLY SAY “OH NO!” KICK ASS HAVE ACTUAL HUMAN GRAVITY. KICK ASS ACTUALLY GET JADED COMIC NERDS TO CARE. AND IN END THEY CREATE MOVIE THAT ULTIMATELY SUPERHERO AFFIRMING PIECE OF WORK. IT VERY MODERN+ADULT TAKE ON SAME MESSAGE THAT COMICS GIVE YOUNG KIDS. THAT REMARKABLE TO HULK… PLUS DOUBLE BONUS FOR MATTHEW VAUGHN CAUSE HE GET RID OF RIDICULOUS SEXISM/RACISM OF COMIC AND CLARIFYING MESSAGE HULK STATED ABOVE. COMIC NO REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT SAYING. MOVIE DID… MARK MILLAR SUCKS.
RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE ELSE... JERKS
4. TRUE GRIT
THE COEN BROTHERS HUMBLE HULK. THERE WORK ALL TOO GOOD. THERE NOT SINGLE NEGATIVE THING SAY ABOUT THIS FILM. IT FLAWLESS. COENS WRITE “AMERICAN SHAKESPEARE” HERE ACCORDING TO BARRY PEPPER AND HULK AGREE. EVERY SINGLE PERFORMANCE COULD BE CONSIDERED BEST IN FILM. SERIOUSLY, HULK CAN MAKE ARGUMENT FOR BRIDGES, STEINFELD, DAMON, BROLIN, PEPPER, THE COL., AND EVEN BEAR MAN ALL HAVING BEST PERFORMANCE… [HULK SHAKES HEAD]… IT JUST TOO GOOD… ONLY REASON THIS MOVIE NOT HIGHER CAUSE… CAUSE… IT NOT TRANSCENDENT LIKE SOME THERE OTHERS? MAYBE CAUSE IN END IT JUST STRAIGHT-UP WESTERN? (UNLIKE, SAY, 3RD ACT INVERSION/POETICS OF NO COUNTRY?) … MAYBE CAUSE HULK KNEW COENS COULD MAKE THIS MOVIE IN THEIR SLEEP? … WHICH INCREDIBLY UNFAIR TO THEM AND ALL OTHER FILMMAKER… BUT… BUT THEY JUST TOO GOOD!
GRETA GERWIG WONDER IF THERE MISPRINT ON STILLER'S CHECK FOR LITTLE FOCKERS... THERE NOT.
3. GREENBERG
EVERYBODY SEEM MISS THIS. THAT SHAME. NOAM BAUMBACH OFTEN MAKE FILM THAT LIKE DAGGER TO HULK’S HEART (WHICH MEAN DAGGER PRETTY STRONG, CAUSE HULKS GREEN SKIN TOUGH). HE MAKE SCATHING YET PERFECTLY FAIR FILMS. AND THERE SOMETHING VERY SPECIFIC THIS FILM CAPTURE. SOMETHING ALMOST WITHOUT DEFINITION: THE PAIN OF GROWING UP AND FEELING YOU MISS OUT ON SOMETHING DEEPER WITHOUT EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS. OR THE FEELING OF WATCHING OWN LIFE PASS YOU BYE EVEN WITH BEST INTENTIONS. NOW, THIS SOMETHING LOTS OF CHARACTERS EXPRESS IN MOVIES ALL THE TIME (USUALLY BEFORE STARTING AFFAIR OR CHANGING LIFE OR SOMETHING) BUT NEVER IT FEEL REAL. NEVER IT FEEL EARNED. IT MERELY PRESENTED AS JUSTIFICATION FOR MOST DUMB PLOTS TO BEGIN. BUT IN GREENBERG. ALL TOO REAL. BAUMBACH KNOW TREAT MALAISE NOT EXISTENCE OF SADNESS (OR, LIKE, DRUG INDUCED COMA). AND BETTER YET BAUMBACH KNOW MOVIES WITH THESE AFOREMENTION “LIFE CHANGES” MOVIES JUST ATTEMPT FOR WRITER TO JUSTIFY SELFISHNESS. BECAUSE BAUMBACH KNOW IN END MATURITY ABOUT THE EMBRACING THE SADNESS OF SIMPLE DEVOTION TO OTHER PEOPLE. ABOUT THE PAIN OF SELFLESSNESS. IT CAPTURE A KIND OF REALISM HULK NEVER REALLY SEE IN MOVIES. STILLER REALLY, TRULY DELIVER. AND GRETA GERWIG JUST PHENOMENAL. SHE HAVE EXACT UNDERSTANDING OF HER CHARACTER. THIS EASILY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITES OF YEAR.
"WEE BOUNCING OFF YOUR TEETH"
2. FOUR LIONS
YES. THIS FILM ABOUT TERRORISTS. THIS NOT REALLY MATTER. HULK NOT INTERESTED IN HAVING CONVERSATION ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THAT VALID. (ASKING WHY SOMEONE MAKE FILM LIKE THIS ANSWER TO IT OWN QUESTION) BESIDE IT NOT “WHAT” FILM ABOUT. IT “HOW” IT ABOUT. AND “HOW” OF FOUR LIONS = REALLY, REALLY FUNNY. HULK LAUGH HARD. HULK LAUGH CONSISTENTLY WHOLE WAY THROUGH (LUCKILY, HULK NEVER WATCHED TRAILER. IT SPOIL LOTS). BUT ALL THIS JUST REQUIREMENT FOR BEING GOOD COMEDY (WHICH FOUR LIONS IS). WHAT PUSH THIS MOVIE TO DIFFERENT LEVEL THAT IT HAVE SOMETHING SAY ABOUT WHY SOMEONE SUBJECT THEM SELF TO HARDCORE IDEOLOGY. FOUR LIONS UNDERSTAND THE MOTIVATIONS BE ANYTHING REALLY. AND THEY NO HAVE BE OVERT. FROM FEELING LIKE OUTCAST. TO FAMILIAL. TO REPRESSED SEXUALITY. TO JUST BEING STUPID BEYOND COMPARE. AND OFTEN WHAT PUSH PEOPLE FROM BEING IDEOLOGUE TO OUTRIGHT TERRORIST, IS SIMPLY MATTER OF CIRCUMSTANCE AND TIMING. SO WHEN FILM REACH WHIMSICAL/HAUNTING FINALE (SET TO APHEX TWIN’S AVRIL 14!) IT ALL BECOME SURREALLY POIGNANT. IF YOU THING HULK EXAGGERATING, YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH CHRIS MORRIS. THIS NOT JUST A FUNNY/GOOD FILM. THIS IMPORTANT FILM.
JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT... BADASS
1. INCEPTION
HULK NOT NOLAN FAN BOY. HULK APPRECIATE ELEMENTS OF HIS WORK. BUT HULK HAVE SERIOUS PROBLEMS TOO. SO TRUST HULK WHEN HULK SAY HULK NOT PREDISPOSED TO LIKE INCEPTION… YET WHEN HULK SIT DOWN TO SEE, HULK ABSOLUTELY BLOWN AWAY BY THIS STAGGERING ACHIEVEMENT. HULK THINK INCEPTION A LANDMARK FILM AND VERY DEFINITION OF THAT WORD HULK KEEP REPEATING: “TRANSCENDENT.” INCEPTION WORK AS STYLISH THRILLER. IT WORK AS HEIST MOVIE. IT WORK PSYCHOANALYTIC FRENCH NEW WAVE FILM. IT WORK AS LEONARDO’S BEST WORK. IT WORK AS TOM HARDY SHOWCASE. IT WORK AS JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT BEING DEBONAIR BADASS. IT WORK AS ATTEMPT REMIND HULK TOM BERENGER STILL ALIVE. IT WORK AS ALL THESE THING.
HULK FEEL LOT OF PEOPLE MISTAKE IDEAS IN MOVIE FOR JUST BEING “IS IT ALL A DREAM?” TYPE-BULLSHIT. THEY MISSING FAR BIGGER QUESTIONS. NOLAN NOT INTERESTED IN NATURE OF REALITY, BUT OUR REACTIONS TO NATURE OF REALITY. WHICH WHY MOVIE SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON PSYCHOANALYSIS. NOLAN INTERESTED IN HOW WE DEAL WITH TRUTHS ABOUT SELVES AND HANGUPS. HOW IT PARALYZE US AND SNEAK INTO DAILY WORK. ALL THIS FASCINATING, AND PSYCHOANALYSIS OF EACH CHARACTER TIE DIRECTLY INTO THEY PLOT MOTIVATIONS. NOLAN WANT KNOW WHAT DRIVE U?. WHAT DRIVE AN IDEA? WHAT DRIVE HIS OWN FILMMAKING? WHAT DRIVE NARRATIVE AND EXCITEMENT? AND HE ADDRESS ALL AND MORE SO.
AND FOR RECORD, HULK FIND ARGUMENT ABOUT WHOLE MOVIE/WHICH PARTS “IS REAL” VS “IS NOT REAL” TO BE BAFFLING. NOLAN DOING VERY CLEAR THING. NOLAN DOING OLD MATHETMATIC TRICK OF “ALL ANSWERS WITHIN SET X”… MEANING NOLAN CREATE MOVIE WHERE BOTH EXPLANATIONS (“REAL” / “NOT REAL”) WORK ENTIRELY (NO EVIDENCE SO STRONG AS TO OUTWEIGH OTHER). THE MUCH-TALKED-ABOUT-ENDING JUST HAMMER THIS POINT HOME. IT NOT ONE OR OTHER. IT BOTH. AND THAT THE REAL TRICK.
BUT BACK TO PSYCHOANALYSIS BEING FOCUS OF MOVIE (NOT DREAMS), SOME SAY NOLAN CHEAPEN FILM BY MAKING THE THEMATICS LITERAL MCGUFFINS, BUT HULK THINK THAT THE GENIUS! NOLAN TURN PURELY ABSTRACT CONCEPT OF SYMBOLIC IMAGERY, SON/FATHER RELATIONSHIP, AND GUILT/REGRET INTO COMPELLING-AS-HELL-HEIST FOR MULTIPLEX AUDIENCE! HOW THAT NOT SOMETHING TO BE CELEBRATED? HULK FEEL LIKE THAT REALLY NOT BEEN ACHIEVED SINCE HITCHCOCK KNOCK EVERYONES ASS OUT OF WATER DOING SAME THING.
THE LOVE FOR THIS ONE SORT OF DISSIPATE LATELY… HULK NOT SURE WHY.
HULK NEVER SEEN TRANSFORMERS 2 BEFORE. HULK ALWAYS SWEAR HULK NEVER SEE IT.
IT SHOWING UP ON HBO LOT NOW, SO FOR SOME REASON HULK DECIDE TO SEE AND TWEET ABOUT IT AFTER MUCH TWITTER FOLLOWER SUPPORT OF IDEA.
THIS MEANT BE DONE IN TWITTER FORM. BUT HULK HAD 13 PAGE OF NOTES AND HUNDREDS OF ENTRIES. IT WOULD CLOG TWITTER UP + BE ANNOYING TO FOLLOWERS. SO HULK THINK THIS BETTER FORMAT.
AND SO BEGINS HULKS RUNNING DIARY OF TRANSFORMERS 2:
And go!
:00 MINUTES – MOVIE START
:01 MINUTES – “HUMANS CAPABLE OF GREAT COMPASSION” [MATCH TO SHOT OF AFRICAN TRIBESMAN W/ SPEARS]
:01 – NEVERMIND. BAY ONLY INTERESTED IN ‘GREAT VIOLENCE” PART OF THAT YIN-YANG
:02 – OH IT 10,000 BC TRANSFORMERS EDITION. HOW SAD FOR AUDIENCE.
:02 – WAIT… WHY ANCIENT 10,000 BC TRANSFORMERS SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH?
:02 – WHY AN AUTOBOT SAY “SUCK MY POPSICLE?” WHEN DID AUTOBOTS BECOME ADOLESCENT DICKS?
:02 – MICHAEL BAYESQUE MILITARY SOLDIER COMPLAINT #1
:03 – WAIT, TRANSFORMERS CAN SMELL?
:05 – OH GOD. ICE CREAM TRUCK = THE INFAMOUS TWINS…HULK HAVE BAAAAD FEELING ABOUT THIS
:06 – WHY THAT ONE TRANSFORMER ICE SKATING?
:06 – WHICH ONES ARE BAD AND WHICH ONES ARE GOOD? HULK SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER? THERE NO PRIME YET.
:06 – SO FAR THIS JUST A BUNCH OF STUFF HAPPENING ON SCREEN
:07 – HULK PRETTY SURE THIS UBER-PUBLIC BRAWL IN SHANGHAI WOULD EXPOSE TRANSFORMER EXISTENCE
:07 – “PUNK ASS DECEPTICON”… IF TRANSFORMERS COPY HOW WE TALK WHY THEY DECIDE TO TALK LIKE 7TH GRADE IDIOTS?
:07 – POINT BEING, NO RESPECTABLE COOL PERSON ACTUALLY SAY “PUNK ASS” … TRANSFORMERS CAN DO BETTER
:07 – THEN AGAIN, MICHAEL BAY STILL USES 1991 HIP HOP VIDEOS AS REFERENCE POINT OF COOL
:07 – WAIT, HAS OPTIMUS PRIME BECOME DIRTY HARRY SINCE LAST FILM? HE JUST EXECUTED SOME DECEPTICON… LIKE EXECUTION STYLE.
:08: – OH GREAT. THE PARENTS ARE BACK. THIS WILL BE FUNCTIONAL TO PLOT + THEMATICS, HULK SURE.
:09 – MEGAN FOX’S BUTT JUST GOT RE-INTRODUCED BEFORE MEGAN FOX.
Butt first...
:09 – … POOR MEGAN FOX
:11 – WHY CUBE SHARD JUST MELT THROUGH FLOORS LIKE “ALIEN” BLOOD?
:11 – THIS KITCHEN APPLIANCE TRANSFORMER ATTACK APPEAR BE MOST SUPERFLUOUS SCENE IN FILM HISTORY
:13 – DIDN’T BUMBLEBEE GET TALK AT END OF LAST MOVIE?
:13 – OH THANKS MICHAEL BAY. HULK NEEDED TERRIBLE THROWAWAY LINE OF DIALOGUE TO EXPLAIN THAT POINTLESS DECISION.
:16 – SPINNING CAMERA + NONSENSE RELATIONSHIP LOVE TALK = HULK LOSING STEAM
:17 – WHY SOUNDWAVE A SATELLITE WHO SOUND LIKE DR. CLAW?
:17 – OK. TINY BIT RESEARCH SHOW THEY ACTUALLY SAME VOICE. THE GREAT FRANK WELKER. SO SUE HULK.
:17 – BUT SERIOUSLY, SOUNDWAVE, THE MOST ENDEARINGLY DUMB TRANSFORMER HAS TO BE TURNED LOGICAL “CAUSE AN 80’S BOOMBOX NO MAKE SENSE”? WHAT MOVIE DO MICHAEL BAY THINK HE MAKING!?!?
:17 – PUT THIS WAY: A HILARIOUS GIANT BOOMBOX MUCH LESS STUPID THAN SUDDENLY INCLUDING A RACIST ICE CREAM TRUCK.
:19 – WHY ALL THE AUTOBOTS JUST LINED UP IN HANGAR? DO THEY, LIKE, SLEEP IN CAR FORM?
:19 – THEY SHOULD BE PLAYING CARDS OR SOMETHING. BEING A TRANSFORMER MUST BE BORING.
:20 – DUMB TYRESE LINE: “GOD MADE US IN HIS IMAGE. WHAT MADE [OPTIMUS PRIME]?” ANSWER: MICHAEL FUCKING BAY
THE CREATOR ALMIGHTY
:21 – WHAT? A COMPLAINT ABOUT PANSY LIBERAL PRESIDENT? IN A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE?!
:23 – WASHINGTON HACK: “OK, LET’S GO OVER THIS HIGHLY DETAILED AND UBER-SPECIFIC INFORMATION EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM ALREADY KNOWS (EVEN THOUGH I’M AN OUTSIDER) NOW THAT AS OF SERIOUSLY 30 SECONDS AGO WE STARTED BEING MONITORED BY THE GIANT SPACE BOOMBOX.” … GIVE HULK BREAK.
:27 – COLLEGE ROOMATE: “I READ YOUR FILE. I’M POOR. YOU’RE POOR” OKAY…. GET READY FOR HULK SMASH RAMPAGE:
:27 – MICHAEL BAY/HOLLYWOOD’S DEFINITION OF “POOR” = MORE INSULTING THAN SKIDZ AND MUDFLAP. THEY SEE SAM’S HUGE FREAKING HOUSE? HIS HUGE FREAKING HOUSE IN LOS ANGELES!?!??!??!?! AND THAT OTHER KID HAVE ENOUGH ELECTRONICS AND FRAMED POSTERS TO DEFINITELY NOT BE POOR. THIS ABSURD AND HULK’S LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE CONVENTION. HULK SMASH THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
:27 – SERIOUSLY…
:28 – AND NOW THE MOM EATING POT BROWNIES… THIS SHOULD MAKE SENSE.
:28 – SO ROOMMATE HACKED UNIVERSITY AND PUT ALL HOT GIRLS IN THEIR DORM? THIS SHOULD BE OWN MOVIE. THIS BAD SEX COMEDY FROM 1998.
AND IT SHALL BE CALLED "BONER DORM!"
:28 – “HE RECENTLY POPPED HIS CHERRY. I WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM AND HEARD THE WHOLE THING.”… THE MOMENT WHEN DIGNITY DIED.
:28 – OKAY, YEAH HULK LAUGHED FOR 1 SECOND AT THAT. “CRITIC HAS BE HONEST WHEN MAKES LAUGH” – EBERT?
:29 – AND NOW THERE SABERTOOTH TIGER DECEPTICON… SURE
:29 – THAT VOMIT LITTLE BRASS BALLS… THAT ARE ALSO TRANSFORMERS… SURE
:30 – OBLIGATORY TERMINATOR 2 MUSIC CUE WHEN BRASS BALL TRANSFORMERS MELD TOGETHER INTO THIN GLASS LIKE TRANSFORMER… [SHRUGS] SURE
:32 – WHY THERE NO AUTOBOT GUARD WITH ALL SPARK SHARD AT ALL TIMES? THEY JUST SITTING THERE AS CARS RIGHT NOW.
:37 – WHY SAM NOT TELL OPTIMUS HE HAVE ANOTHER SHARD? OPTIMUS MAKE IT CLEAR THEY NEED ONE.
:37 – SAM WITWICKY: TOTAL DICK
:38 – WAIT MEGATRON WASN’T KILLED? HULK PRETTY SURE HE KILLED IN LAST ONE.
:38 – WAIT, WHERE THOSE 4 OTHER DECIPTICONS COME FROM? THERE JUST TIGER ONE BEFORE… WUHT?
:39 – OKAY MEGATRON JUST FLY TO CYBERTRON, WHICH MULTIPLE LIGHT YEARS AWAY, IN LIKE 2 EARTH MINUTES…
:39 – THERE PROBLEM WITH PHYSICS THERE HULK SURE.
:39 – YES. HULK NITPICKING. BUT IF MOVIE THIS DUMB GOING SPEND MOST OF IT TIME THINKING UP OVERTLY-COMPLICATED EXPLANATIONS FOR HALF THE NONSENSE THAT HULK NOT GIVE SHIT ABOUT ANYWAY, HULK RESERVE RIGHT, NAY! THE HONOR OF CALLING OUT THE OTHER HALF OF NONSENSICAL BULLSHIT.
:39 – SERIOUSLY? WHY BOTHER HALF-ASSING!? WHOLE-ASS IT! GO CRANK 2 ON US. IT BETTER FOR EVERYONE.
:41 -WHY TRANSFORMERS BORN IN SAC’S OF FLUID? THE TRANSFORMERS MYTHOLOGY ONE OF MOST CONFUSING THINGS ON PLANET AND HULK TRIED FIGURE OUT “PRIMER.”
:52 – … SERIOUSLY!?! SO TRANSFORMERS CAN HAVE, LIKE, HUMAN SKIN? THIS WHOLE TIME?
:53 – … CAUSE THERE MANY TIME THAT NOT TOTALLY BE ADVANTAGEOUS OR ANYTHING.
:53 – JESUS.
:54 – OKAY SHIA/MEGAN’S LIBRARY BANTER AT LEAST RESEMBLE CINEMATIC DIALOGUE IN ROUGHEST SENSE #HOORAYFORAUDIENCE
:56 – AND NOW A TRANSFORMER SLUG TAKEN FROM MATRIX JUST POOPED IN SHIA’S MOUTH
:59 – WAIT, HOW THEY IN FOREST NOW?
1:00 – ONLY ONE HOUR DOWN!??! GOOD GOD.
1:00 – OPTIMUS JUST RIP DECPTICON’S FACE IN HALF… KIDS MOVIE!
DON'T EVEN LOOK AT HIM COCKEYED. HE CRAZY.
1:00 – HULK TAKE MOMENT TALK ABOUT THE “RATED-R”-IFICATION OF CHILDREN’S PROPERTY. LOOK. HULK ONCE LITTLE HULK TOO. HULK LIKED TRANSFORMERS A LOT. HULK HAD TONS OF THEM. GOING BACK NOW HULK RECOGNIZE FUN AND SILLINESS OF THESE TOYS. HULK LIKE AND HAVE FONDNESS FOR THEM. BUT IN NO PART OF HULK’S HEART, DOES HULK NEED TRANSFORMERS BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY BY PUBLIC AT LARGE. IT WAS TERRIBLE CARTOON LITERALLY DESIGNED TO SELL TOYS. WE NOT NEED HAVE OPTIMUS PRIME RIP SOMEONE’S FACE APART TO JUSTIFY OUR CHILDHOOD INTERESTS AND HAVE FIT WITH MORE CURRENT + ADULT SENSIBILITIES OF TASTE, EVEN IF WE STILL HAVE MILD INTEREST/GENUINE AFFINITY IN CHILDHOOD PRODUCT. IT NOT ONLY BAD FOR OUR DEVELOPMENT, IT ACTUALLY DISLOYAL TO ESSENCE OF OUR 8 YEAR OLDS SELVES AND CERTAINLY DETRIMENTAL TO 8 YEAR OLDS OUT THERE NOW. OPTIMUS NOT NEED WASTE MOTHERFUCKERS. END HULK RANT.
1:00 – SO OPTIMUS IS NOW DEAD. #KARMA
1:03 – “NO MORE DISGUISES!” SAID MEGATRON, STANDING AT TOP OF GIANT SKYSCRAPER IN DAY TIME, AND WHO HAS DONE SO OFTEN
1:03 – AND THE PARENTS ARE BACK. BAY SHOULD JUST GONE FULL BALLS AND HAVE MOVIE FROM THEIR POINT VIEW.
1:03 – ACTUALLY THE MOM (THE GREAT ACTRESS JULIE WHITE) SEEM BE ONLY ONE KNOW WHAT MOVIE SHE IN.
1:04 – MAN, DECIPTONS HATE AMERICAN FLAGS!
TERRORIST!
1:04 – FOR RECORD, ESCARGOT DELCIOUS
1:05 – IT BEEN HAPPENING WHOLE MOVIE, BUT MICHAEL BAY JUST LOVE PUTTING POINTLESS MILTARY TERM INFO AND LOCATION IN BOTTOM LEFT OF SCREEN. IT LITERALLY CONVEY NOTHING IMPORTANT. YET IT CONSTANT.
1:05 – WAIT, IT THE GUISE OF PLOT ORGANIZATION!
1:06 – HULK HAVE NO UNDERSTANDING HOW THERE STILL HOUR + HALF LEFT OF MOVIE
1:07 – OBAMA WITHHELD TRUTH FROM YOU!!! OBAMA WITHHELD TRUTH FROM YOU!!!
1:07 – GET OBAMA TO A HIDDEN BUNKER! THAT PUSSY!
1:07 – MICHAEL BAY’S MILITARY HARD-ON AND ANTI-LIBERAL STUFF KINDA AMAZING. IT SO PRESENT YET ILL-DEFINED. HULK SO CURIOUS WHERE IT COME FROM. HE MILITARY FAMILY? HULK KNOW HE NEVER SERVED…
1:07 – HULK LAUGH. HULK DO LITTLE RESEARCH. OF COURSE BAY WENT TO CROSSROADS IN L.A. (HIPPY DIPPY NO GRADES TYPE SCHOOL) AND OF COURSE HE GO WESLEYAN (THE MOST HIPPY DIPPY COLLEGE IN COUNTRY). OF COURSE HE ADOPTED KID OF CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST. IT MAKE SO MUCH SENSE NOW. THIS NOT THE DECENT CONSERVATISM OF RATIONAL, GROUNDED AMERICAN BASED ON EXPERIENCE (AND ANY POLITICS IS FINE IS TO HULK IF BUILT ON DECENCY). BUT NO. THIS KNEE-JERK REACTION TO BEING SUBJECTED TO MOST LIBERAL AMERICAN ENVIRONMENTS POSSIBLE. THIS INNER DESIRE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUS + BADASS EVEN THOUGH BAY’S ENTIRE LIFE ABOUT AS NON-MILITARY FOCUSED OR NON-CONSERVATIVE AS IT GET. THIS IS I’M-A-TOUGH-GUY-PLAY-TIME.
1:07 – IT MAKE SO MUCH SENSE NOW.
1:08 – FOR THAT COMMENTARY HULK CURRENTLY BEING SUBJECTED TO FULL RAVAGE OF SKIDZ +MUDFLAP. THANKS KARMA.
1:10 – “NOW THAT THAT DECEPTIONS HAVE ATTACKED HUMANS LIKE YOU WARNED US, THE PRESIDENT IS DOING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE AGREED TO AND WHAT IS LOGICAL FOR NO APPARENT REASON” – OBAMA’S WHITE HOUSE GUY. AGAIN BAY POLITICS AT WORK.
1:10 – “DIPLOMATIC SOLUTION” MORE LIBERAL PUSSYTALK! HOORAY!
1:10 – FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY. HULK GOING TO SMASH YOUR ASS.
1:11 – WHY THERE AN AUSSIE GUY IN THE US ARMY?
1:12 – WHY MEGAN FOX’S LIPS ALWAYS CRAZY RED?
1:13 – SKIDZ OR MUDFLAP: “WE DON’T DO MUCH READING.” [FACEPALM]
1:14 – OH GOD JOHN TURTURRO YOU’RE RETURNED TO THIS? REMEMBER WHEN THE COEN BROS USE TO CAST YOU IN THEIR MOVIES?
1:16 – AT LEAST TURTURRO ALSO SEEM TO KNOW WHAT MOVIE HE IN
1:19 – WAIT, WHY TURTURRO IN A THONG? “I WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK”…
1:19 – TRANSFORMERS 2: WHATEVER THE FUCK
1:20 – HULK NEED ANOTHER DRINK
1:20 – … OH YEAH HULK STARTED DRINKING AROUND WHEN THAT GIRL TURN INTO ROBOT FOR SOME REASON
1:23 – HOW IS THE DC AIR + SPACE MUSEUM NOW NEXT TO GIANT AIRFIELD IN THE PLAINS? DID THAT JUST HAPPEN!?
1:24 – AND A ROBOT IS HUMPING MEGAN FOX’S LEG. THIS IS DEFINITELY HAPPENING. TIME TO DRINK!
1:24 – INCONTINENT OLD-TIMER TRANSFORMER NAMED JETFIRE JUST FARTED A PARACHUTES. IF THE MOVIE NOTHING BUT MOMENTS LIKE THIS IT COULD BE THE ROBOT VERSION OF HAUSU
GET HIM SOME DEPENDS
1:26 – SO TRANSFORMERS CAN TELEPORT?! HULK PRETTY SURE THIS INFRINGE ON NIGHTCRAWLERS BAMPF! COPYRIGHT
1:27 – “LET’S NOT GET EPISODIC. FACTS. PLOT. TELL IT!” – JOHN TURTURRO… IN TRANSFORMERS 2
1: 27 – LET NO TAKE THIS LIGHTLY. THIS MOST INCREDIBLE LINE IN MOVIE. HULK THINK MICHAEL BAY JUST INCLUDED (RATHER ASTUTE) STUDIO NOTE RIGHT INTO SCRIPT AT THIS POINT. CAUSE HE CERTAINLY IGNORE FOR PREVIOUS HOUR + HALF. (AND CERTAINLY IGNORES AFTER THIS EXPLANATION SEQUECE)… JUST AMAZING THAT IT’S EVEN THERE.
1:27 – HULK MEAN SERIOUSLY! THIS MOVIE TAKE 1 HOUR 27 MINUTE TO GET TO THE FREAKIN’ MCGUFFIN!
1:28 – SO IF WE’RE MEANT TO ASSUME TRANSFORMERS GAVE US CULTURE LANGUAGE (W/ ANCIENT PYRAMID CONNECTION) AND THEY SPOKE ENGLISH, WHY THEY NO GIVE US ENGLISH? WHY EVERYONE SPEAK ANCIENT EGYPTIAN INSTEAD? #LINGUISTICPLOTHOLES
1:33 – HEY! IT’S KENNY POWER’S MIDGET COCK-FIGHTING PARTNER! HULK KNEW THERE REASON HULK WATCH THIS 1 YEAR LATER… OTHER THAN HAVING INFINITE NUMBER OF BETTER THINGS TO DO
1:40 – SET WHERE THEY FIND MATRIX KEY SEEM TO BE SAME EXACT SET FROM END OF “INDIANA JONES AND LAST CRUSADE”
1:41 – SKIDZ + MUDFLAP JUST FOUGHT EACH OTHER AND KNOCKED OUT A WALL SAVING THE DAY (ALL IN SAD ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY THEIR INCLUSION)
1:41 – WHY ARE THE TWINS IN THIS ENTIRE MOVIE? HULK WOULD HAVE HAD “ENTIRE MOVIE” IN CAPS, BUT HULK ALREADY YELL IN CAPS. SO HULK JUST EXPLAIN IT NOW.
1:41 – BUT SERIOUSLY, THIS IS JAR-JAR-EPISODE-1-LEVEL OF ANNOYING PRESENCE. IT SOMEHOW EVEN MORE RACIST.
1:42 – WHERE SHIA GET A FLASHLIGHT?
1:44 – WAIT, IT EXPLAINED THAT THE MATRIX THE KEY TO ENERGON PYRAMID THINGY, WHICH HAVE POWER GIVE LIFE, NOT THE MATRIX HAVING POWER ITSELF. SO WHY MATRIX NOW THE MAGIC PIXIE HEALING DUST? THEY JUST REVERSED WHAT EXPLAINED CAREFULLY BEFORE TO MAKE THE ACTION SCENE MAKE “SENSE”… UGH
1:46 – HULK THOUGHT THE ROOMMATE JUST TASED 1 SECOND AGO. WHY HE NOW UP?
1:49 – OH WAIT, THE MAIN MILITARY COMMANDER = LANDRY’S DAD FROM FNL! SWEET! GLENN MORSHOWER THE-CHARACTER-ACTIN’-MAN!
1:50 – SO, “NOW” THEY’RE BEGINNING THE ASSAULT? WHAT HAPPEN LAST 6 MINUTES?
1:51 – MICHAEL BAY YET TO MAKE MOVIE WITHOUT SOME 3RD ACT “GREEN SMOKE” RELEASE INITIATIVE
1:58 – OKAY FOR SERIOUS: HULK JUST NOTIFIED THAT HULK’S BEST FRIENDS JUST GOT ENGAGED. THIS CAUSE HULK REALIZE JOY OF WHAT THEY DID = THE EXACT OPPOSITE END OF HAPPINESS SPECTRUM FROM HULK DOING THIS TRANSFORMERS 2 RUNNING DIARY ALL BY HULK SELF.
1:58 – HULK GETTING ANOTHER DRINK.
1:58 – AND THE PARENTS NOW BACK (IN EGYPT SOMEHOW) THEY WON’T GO AWAY. THEY THE JAY LENO OF THIS MOVIE.
1:58 – HULK MAKING A DOUBLE.
1:58 – IS IT HULK OR IS SAM’S MOM STARTING LOOK PRETTY GOOD?
2:00 – AT TWO HOUR MARK, HULK REMEMBER BEING AT LEAST WOWED BY FEW MOMENTS OF FIGHTING IN TRANSFORMERS 1… THIS JUST TEDIOUS + NONSENSICAL. THERE NO IMPACT. IT PURELY DISTANT MACHINATIONS OCCURRING ON SCREEN.
2:00 – WHY EVERY TRANSFORMER KILL HAPPENING IN SLOW-MOTION. IT LIKE BAD VIDEO GAME.
2:00 – YEAH, FINE. GTA = AWESOME. BUT THIS MOVIE = NOT.
2:05 – GOD THIS FIGHT SCENE IS GOING ON FOR FUCKING EVER
2:08 – WHERE THE HELL MEGATRON BEEN THIS ENTIRE BATTLE?
2:08 – DID AN ANCIENT TRANSFORMER JUST SAY BRING THE PAIN? OF COURSE HE DID
2:09 – CONSTRUCTICON HAS WRECKING BALLS FOR ANATOMICALLY CORRECT SCROTUM…
2:09 – LET TAKE MOMENT SILENCE TO ACKNOLWLEDGE EVERYTHING WEIRD + PERVERSE ABOUT MICHAEL BAY
2:09 – … OK. DONE.
2:10 – ANYONE WHO LIKES THIS MOVIE MUST HATE EDITING
2:10 – ACTION SEQUENCES SHOULD HAVE RHYTHM AND CHARACTER INTEREST. THIS HAS THE RHYTHM OF LONG, SPUTTERING WET FART.
2:11 – OH HEY IT’S ACTAULLY MEGATRON SHOWING UP! (HULK THINK IT HIM AT LEAST. EVERY ROBOT LOOK SAME)
2:11 – OH HEY MEGATRON DO SOMETHING USEFUL AND KILL SAM! SEE WHAT HAPPEN IF ACTUALLY SHOW UP! GOOD THINGS!
2:12 – HULK THOUGHT BUMBLEE SUPPOSED TO GET PARENTS FAR AWAY?… NOT, LIKE, 100 FEET. NICE JOB BUMBLEBEE… ASS.
2:13 – WAIT… IS… IS THIS HAPPENING?
2:13 – HOLY SHIT IS SAM IN TRANSFORMER HEAVEN? REALLY THIS IS HAPPENING?!?!
2:13 -THE THEOLOGICAL IMPLICATIONS OF TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ARE BAFFLING:
2:13 – 1. DO HUMANS AND TRANSFORMERS GO TO HEAVEN TOGETHER? HULK IMAGINE THEY SEPARATE…
2:13 – 2. IS TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ABOVE CYBERTRON OR EARTH OR A GO BETWEEN?
2:13 – 3. IS SHIA SECRETLY A TRANSFORMER? THEY CAN BE SKINNY WOMEN APPARENTLY.
2:13 – 4. CAN GAY TRANSFORMERS GET INTO ROBOT HEAVEN?
2:13 – 5. IF NOT, THEN IT COULD BE BAD FOR THE ICE SKATING TRANSFORMER
2:13 – 6. HULK LOOKED UP ICE SKATING TRANSFORMER AND IT APPARENTLY NAMED “SIDE-SWIPE”… COULD GO EITHER WAY
2:13 – 7. HULK SURPRISED MICHAEL BAY NOT NAME HIM “LANCE” AND HAVE HIM TRANSFORM INTO CONDOM MACHINE IN WEHO
2:13 – 8. (IN CASE NOT OBVIOUS: HULK MAKING POINT ABOUT MICHAEL BAY’S WRETCHED SENSE OF HUMOR, NOT HULK’S OWN)
2:13 – 9. WAIT, WAS JAZZ IN THAT SEQUENCE IN TRANSFORMER HEAVEN? HULK NO THINK SO.
2:13 – 10. MAYBE TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ONLY FOR “PRIMES” AND THIS SOME SORT HORRIBLE RACE THING.
2:13 – 11. HULK TOLD YOU. IMPLICATIONS = STAGGERING.
2:14 – SO THE DUST TURN INTO THE MATRIX DAGGER THING AGAIN? WHERES THE 30 SECOND MONOLOGUE NONSENSICALLY EXPLAINING HOW?
2:15 – WAIT, JETFIRE STILL ALIVE?
2:15 – LET TAKE MOMENT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT OPTIMUS PRIME = REMOVED FOR 1 HOUR 15 MINUTES OF THE RUNNING TIME OF THIS MOVIE
2:15 – THE FALLEN CAN TELEPORT TOO? WHY TRANSFORMERS NO TELEPORTING ALL THE FREAKING TIME? WHY TURN INTO MACK TRUCK AND DRIVE 4 HOURS FROM VEGAS IN TRAFFIC?
2:16 – THE FALLEN IS APPARENTLY ALSO MAGNETO (MARVEL INFRINGEMENT = HULK- A-SMASHIN’)
2:18 – WHY EVERY TRANSFORMER RELATED TO OPTIMUS? HE HAVE LIKE 13 BROTHERS. MR + MRS. PRIME MUST BE BOSTON IRISH CATHOLIC. #THANKSHULKBEHEREALLWEEK
2:18 – OPTIMUS: “GIVE ME YOUR FACE” #UNINTENTIONALPORNLINE
2:18 – “I RISE! YOU FALL!” #MOREUNINTENTIONALPORNLINES
2:19 – SERIOUSLY?! THE BATTLE FINALLY OVER? THAT WAS 40 MINUTES PURE BOREDOM. AND HULK LOVE ACTION SCENES! THERE NO PACING! NO RHYTHM! NOTHING!
DOESN'T THIS LOOK WELL STORYBOARDED?
2:19 – THAT BATTLE SEQUENCE SO BAD HULK MOTIVATED MAKE LIST OF THINGS HULK COULD DONE W/ MONEY USED TO MAKE THAT SCENE:
2:19 – 1. FUND 1/3 OF L.A.’S PUBLIC SCHOOLS
2:19 – 2. BUY 15 OF M.C. HAMMER’S MANSIONS
2:19 – 3. DOWNLOAD THE ENTIRE ITUNES CATALOGUE
2:19 – 4. COMMISSION CREATION GOLD STATUE OF HULK AND PUT IN FRONT YARD
2:19 – 5. FINALLY GET ADMITTED TO THAT SNOTTY GENTLEMEN CLUB WITH REED RICHARDS + PROFESSOR X… SO SNOTTY… #GODHULKNEEDACCEPTANCE
2:19 – 6. MAKE APPROXIMATELY 48 FILMS EQUAL TO BUDGET OF THE AWESOME “WINTER’S BONE”
2:20 – PEOPLE HUGGING. THEY HAPPY THE BATTLE IS OVER TOO. BECAUSE THEY ALMOST DIED FROM REPETITION.
THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES WHEN THEY READ THE SCRIPT
2:20 – HULK KIND OF CURIOUS HOW THEY GOING WRITE OUT MEGAN FOX IN NEXT ONE… AND BY KINDA CURIOUS HULK MEAN NOT AT ALL.
2:21 – HULK HEAR LINKIN PARK ON SOUNDTRACK!?!? IT ALMOST OVER?!?! REALLY!??!
2:21 – YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:22 – HULK LOVE HOW ALL THE LAST ACT WRAP UP ONE FIND IN NORMAL MOVIES JUST SQUEEZED INTO CREDIT SNIPPETS
2:22 – IT PROOF MICHAEL BAY JUST NOT GIVE A SHIT. THERE NOTHING LEFT TO EXPLODE.
ENDING THOUGHTS:
-WHAT A SHIT-PILE. EVERY SINGLE THING THAT WRONG WITH FIRST ONE = EXACERBATED… AND EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT FIRST ONE = REMOVED ENTIRELY
-HOW DID SPIELBERG PUT HIS NAME ON THIS?
-“SKIDZ + MUDFLAP: FROM THE DIRECTOR OF AMISTAD!”
-TO BE FAIR, HULK REMEMBER CONVERSATION WITH THE FALCON ABOUT SKIDZ + MUDFLAP AND FALCON ARGUE THAT MOST AFRICAN-AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE ABILITY TO SHRUG IT OFF AS “DUMB GANSTER STEREOTYPE” AND NOT TAKE AS PERSONAL INDICTMENT OF BLACK CULTURE AT LARGE… NOT BLACK PANTHER THOUGH. NO, THAT MAN WAS LIVID.
-HULK SWORE HULK NEVER SEE TRANSFORMERS 2. IN MOMENT OF WEAKNESS, (DIDN’T WANT TO GO OUT SEE ANOTHER MOVIE), LONLINESS (BETTY VISITING FAMILY), + DEPRESSION (THE LEADER ESCAPE AGAIN) HULK END UP DO IT… WHY? WHY!?!
-IN SOME WAYS PROCESS OF WRITING THIS = PRETTY CATHARTIC.
-BUT IN BETTER, MORE ACCURATE WAYS, HULK HAS WASTED HOURS OF HULKS LIFE.
THE HORROR
-THE MOST USED WORD ON THIS BLOG POST = “WHY”… HULK LAUGH
