Category: Uncategorized

HULK ESSAY YOUR ASS: TANGIBLE DETAILS AND THE NATURE OF CRITICISM

WHAT IF HULK TELL YOU THAT THERE ONE SINGULAR THROUGH-LINE TO THE VERY NATURE OF CRITICISM?

HULK READ LOT OF MOVIE CRITICISM. AND HULK MEAN LOT. HULK POSSIBLY EVEN READ YOUR BOOK/COLUMN/SITE TODAY. AND OVER DOING THIS LAST TWENTY YEARS OR SO, HULK BEEN LOOKING FOR ONE SINGLE THROUGH-LINE HELP EXPLAIN WHY CRITICS SAY THE THING THEY DO. SPECIFICALLY, HULK INTERESTED WHAT CAUSE SOMEONE TO HAVE SEEMINGLY BIZARRE OPINION. IT NOT EASY THING DO. LOTS PEOPLE COMING FROM DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES AND HAVE ALL SORTS VALUES. AND IT ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT WHEN TRYING DECIDE IF IT YOUR OWN BIAS GETTING IN WAY. YET HULK DESPERATE KNOW WHY PEOPLE RESPOND TO MOVIES WAY THEY DO. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY HOW THEY THEN PROCESS AND EXPLAIN THOSE RESPONSES. THE ANSWER NOT JUST RELATE MOVIE CRITICISM, BUT UNIVERSAL CRITICISM. HULK BELIEVE CENTER AROUND ONE THING:

TANGIBLE DETAILS.

OK. HULK KNOW YOU THINKING “TANGIBLE DETAILS? DUH, OF COURSE! WHAT YOU IDIOT? OF COURSE THE FREAKIN’ DETAILS MATTER!”

HULK KNOW. HULK KNOW. IT SOUND BROAD AS HECK, BUT HULK ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT VERY SPECIFIC WAY THE OBVIOUS, TANGIBLE DETAILS OF MOVIE DIRECTLY AFFECT HOW THE AT-LARGE CULTURE DIGEST IT. SO ALLOW HULK MOMENT ILLUSTRATE EXACTLY WHAT HULK MEAN… OKAY MORE THAN MOMENT. OVER 4000 WORDS AND LOTS OF TANGENTS. HULK SORRY, BUT VERY SIMPLE CONCEPT OFTEN THE HARDEST KIND TO JUSTIFY.

SO…

GIVEN: OUR ABILITY PROCESS THINGS INHERENTLY LINKED TO AMOUNT OF INFORMATION WE UNDERSTAND. MOST OF US QUASI-EXPERTS IN SOME WAY AT SOMETHING. OUR FAVORITE TV SHOW. BEER-BREWING. OUR FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM. WHATEVER, CHANCES ARE IT SOMETHING.

BUT THEN THERE LARGE NUMBER THINGS OUTSIDE THAT AREA WE QUASI-EXPERTS IN. AND MANY OF THESE THINGS STUFF WE ALL HAVE TALK ABOUT IN FORM OF PUBLIC SOCIALIZING. THE PROVERBIAL CAMPFIRE. STUFF LIKE ELECTIONS, THE SUPERBOWL, POPULAR TV SHOWS, BIG NEWS EVENTS, HIT MOVIES, RESTAURANT CHAINS. THE USUAL STUFF. AND OFTEN THESE UNIVERSAL SUBJECTS THROW US INTO CONVERSATIONS THAT WE MAY OR MAY NO HAVE STRONG KNOWLEDGE ABOUT.

"THE NYE METS ARE MY FAVORITE SQUADRON"

IN ONE WAY, IT OKAY IF NOT KNOW LOT ABOUT CERTAIN SUBJECT. THERE ACTUALLY SUBCONSCIOUS WAY IN WHICH MOST OF US ABLE PROCESS SIMPLE GOOD OR BADNESS OF JUST ABOUT ANYTHING: MOVIES WORK ON LARGELY VISCERAL LEVEL. FOOD CAN TASTE GOOD OR NO TASTE GOOD. SPORTS TEAMS HAVE WINS AND LOSSES. PRODUCTS CAN SIMPLY WORK OR NO WORK. THERE WAY WE UNDERSTAND SOME FORM RELATIVE VALUE OF ALL THESE THINGS.

BUT WHEN COME TIME ACTUALLY EXPLAIN THEM, NOT EVERYONE HAVE LANGUAGE/VERNACULAR TO BEST EXPRESS WHAT AT PLAY. SO ONLY WAY CAN EXPLAIN ANYTHING BY PRESENTING EVIDENCE. AND EVIDENCE 100% DEPENDENT ON THINGS WE NOTICE. AND THOSE THE TANGIBLE DETAILS.

… and FOR MOST PEOPLE, IT NOT ALWAYS THE RIGHT DETAILS PER SAY, BUT INSTEAD THE ONES THAT SIMPLY STICK OUT MOST.

THE FILM THAT MAKE HULK FIRST THINK IN THESE TERMS ACTUALLY SPIDER-MAN 3. MOST PEOPLE AGREE THAT SPIDER-MAN 3 PRETTY MUCH SUCK. OK? GOOD. MOVING ON. THE REAL REASON IT SUCK IT BECAUSE IT FORGET MOST BASIC ELEMENTS OF STORYTELLING 101. IT HAVE ZERO NARRATIVE STEAM AND ENERGY. IT CONFUSED ABOUT CHARACTER MOTIVATION. IT  SIDETRACK PLOT CONSTANTLY. THESE SIMPLE SCREENWRITING PROBLEMS. BUT WHAT THE ONE THING TONS PEOPLE POINT TO AS WHY IT SUCK?

EMO PETER PARKER.

NEVERMIND FACT MOST PEOPLE NOT KNOW WHAT "EMO" ACTUALLY MEAN

HULK HATE SAY IT, BUT THE SAD TRUTH THAT THE “EMO PETER PARKER” SEQUENCE THE ONLY ONE IN FILM THAT ACTUALLY HAVE SENSE OF HUMOR AND PALPABLE ENERGY. SERIOUSLY, HULK ARGUE IT THE ONLY “GOOD” SEQUENCE IN FILM. WATCH IT AGAIN BELOW. HULK THINK MAGUIRE DELIVERING GREAT COMIC PERFORMANCE. ESPECIALLY SINCE THE REAL JOKE THAT THIS WHAT A “CONFIDENT” PETER PARKER ACTUALLY LOOK/ACT LIKE. HILARIOUS.

BUT GIVEN THAT REST OF FILM HAVE NO ENERGY + FUN SCENES WHATSOEVER, IT THEREFORE NOT FIT TONE OF MOVIE WHATSOEVER. IT SIMPLY WAY, WAY DIFFERENT. THEREFORE, IT TANGIBLE TO EVERYONE WHO SEE IT. IT BECOME DEFAULT THING PEOPLE POINT OUT WHEN TRYING EXPLAIN WHY THE MOVIE (WHICH THEY ABSORBED ON VISCERAL LEVEL) SUCKED. TRUST HULK, EVEN IF THE EMO PETER PARKER SEQUENCE NOT IN MOVIE, PEOPLE STILL BE TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH SPIDER-MAN 3 COMPLETELY AND WHOLLY SUCKED. IT JUST THE THING THAT STOOD OUT TO EVERYONE.

OKAY, THAT NOT EVEN THE ONLY REASON. THE OTHER BIG THING PEOPLE POINTED TO THAT “IT HAVE TOO MANY VILLAINS!” NO. NOT AT ALL. IT JUST IT HAVE VILLAINS WHOSE PLOT-LINES GO NOWHERE AND HAVE NOTHING DO WITH EACH OTHER. THE DARK KNIGHT HAVE TWO VILLAINS AND WORK CAUSE THE VILLAINS STORIES INTERTWINED AT KEY POINTS AND CONSTANTLY DRIVE NARRATIVE FORWARD. HULK RECENTLY TALK ABOUT REASON FIRST KUNG FU PANDA WORK SO WELL THAT THE FIVE MAIN CHARACTERS MOTIVATIONS AND PLOT ALL TIE INTO EACH OTHER SEAMLESSLY. AGAIN, IT GO BACK TO STORYTELLING 101. BUT IN SPIDER-MAN 3 EVERY CHARACTER JUST SORT OF DOING OWN THING REGARDLESS OF WHATEVER ELSE GOING ON. AND RAIMI HAD NO INTEREST IN VENOM SO STUDIO FORCED IT ON HIM TO BOOT. AS RESULT, THE SCENE WHERE VENOM AND SANDMAN “TEAM UP” LAUGHABLE IN ITS LAZY CONSTRUCTION. IT COULD NO GIVE LESS OF SHIT. AGAIN, IT NOT THAT THERE ARE TWO VILLAINS. IT THAT THE TWO VILLAINS JUST NOT DONE WELL WHATSOEVER. THE “TOO MANY VILLAINS!” MANTRA SOMETHING NOTICEABLE TO MOVIE-GOING PUBLIC BECAUSE THE PRIOR SPIDER-MAN MOVIES SUCCEED GREAT WITH JUST ONE VILLAIN.

BEING “EXPERT” JUST MEAN YOU ABLE MAKE THE LESS TANGIBLE DETAILS, WELL, TANGIBLE. MANY MUCH-BETTER CRITICS AND HULK SPENT LIFE TRYING FIGURE OUT MOVIES. SO MAYBE HULK CAN TELL WHEN SUBTLE TONE SHIFT AFFECTING AUDIENCE ENJOYMENT. OR WHEN CHARACTER SUDDENLY ACTING OUT OF CHARACTER. OR WHEN DIRECTING DECISION BEING MAKE FOR WRONG REASON. OR IF WRITER’S CERTAIN PERSONALITY TIC COME SHINING THROUGH AND DISRUPT ON THEMATIC LEVEL. OR HOW SOME SORT PRODUCTION HISTORY COMING INTO PLAY. BEING AWARE THIS STUFF THE VERY GOAL BEING CRITIC.

MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALL OF THIS, HULK FINALLY LEARN THE ABILITY TELL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD-INSANE NIC CAGE AND BAD-INSANE NIC CAGE. +5 CRITIC EXP. POINTS!

“WAIT A MINUTE” YOU MAY SAY TO HULK. “ISN’T THERE AN OLD SAYING THAT “NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING” IN THIS BUSINESS?”

EXCUSE HULK, BUT THAT HORSESHIT. LOTS PEOPLE KNOW THINGS. IT JUST THERE MORE PEOPLE THAT NOT KNOW THINGS AND THEY HAVE TENDENCY FUCK THINGS UP. BUT WHEN CAPABLE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN PRODUCING, DIRECTING, ACTING, EDITING, AND THEN MARKETING… THE SKY THE LIMIT. LIKE WITH INCEPTION. THAT MOVIE IN ENTIRETY, EVEN THE CORPORATE NON-MOVIE STUFF, HANDLED PERFECTLY. SO TRUST HULK: SOME PEOPLE KNOW THINGS.

HULK ONCE BRING UP “TANGIBLE DETAILS” THEORY IN ONLINE FORUM TO EXCELLENT FILM CRITIC DEVIN FARACI. HE SEEMED AGREE WITH THEORY AND MUCH TO HULK’S SURPRISE, HE OFFER EXACT SAME ANECDOTE HULK OFTEN USE WHEN PROFESSING HULK’S OWN IGNORANCE ABOUT STUFF: NOT KNOWING SHIT ABOUT CARS.

REALLY, HULK KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CARS. HULK KNOW HULK’S CAR EITHER GO BROOM BROOM OR THE ENGINE LIGHT COME ON AND MAKE FUNNY NOISE. BUT OF COURSE THIS NO STOP HULK MAKING BROAD STATEMENTS LIKE, “THIS CAR HANDLE GOOD”, “THIS CAR SUCKS” , OR “THIS CAR LOOK COOL.” IT USUALLY BASED ON OBVIOUS THINGS LIKE APPEARANCE OR SIMPLE FEEL. MEANWHILE, A REAL GEARHEAD WOULD BE ABLE TO ARTICULATE THE PROBLEMS OR BENEFITS OF SAID CAR WITH, YOU KNOW, ACTUAL ACCURACY.

THIS IMPORTANT BECAUSE HULK NO WANT YOU THINK HULK BEING POMPOUS BOUT THIS STUFF. HULK NOT SAYING PEOPLE WHO TALK ABOUT MOVIES POORLY = COMPLETE IDIOTS WHO SHOULD NO BE ALLOWED. NOT IN SLIGHTEST. IT OFTEN JUST ARTICULATED LESS GOOD.

”]EVEN IF SOME PEOPLE MAY BE SAYING SOMETHING “IDIOTIC” IN TERMS OF CINEMATIC UNDERSTANDING, THAT NOT MAKE THEM IDIOTS. THEY MAKING SNAP DEDUCTIONS ABOUT SOMETHING OUTSIDE THEY FIELD. HULK TRYING SHOW WITH CAR EXAMPLE THAT SOMETHING WE ALLGUILTY OF. WHICH MEAN IT ALWAYS IMPORTANT THAT WE COLLECTIVELY UNDERSTAND WHEN WE GIVING OPINION THAT NO MAY BE WORTH MUCH. SELF-AWARENESS = CRITICAL.

BUT OF COURSE, NOT EVERYONE ACT ACCORDINGLY. AND EVEN MORE PEOPLE LACK SELF-AWARENESS. GOING BACK TO THAT ONLINE FORUM HULK MENTION EARLIER, THE REASON SUBJECT OF “TANGIBLE DETAILS” COME UP IN FIRST PLACE BECAUSE OF WHAT HULK FIND BE FUNNIEST TREND FOR FILM ARGUMENT AROUND… THE OLE’ “WHAT ACTORS LOOK LIKE” ARGUMENT.

FOR SOME REASON, THE INTERNET LOVE FANTASY CASTING. AND THIS ALWAYS REALLY FUNNY TO HULK CAUSE IT SEEM LIKE MOST FOLKS WHO ENJOY DO IT, PURELY BASING IT OFF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE AND NOTHING MORE. AS IF IT ONLY THING INVOLVED IN ACTING AND NOT ACTUAL, YOU KNOW, PERFORMANCE AND SKILL. THIS MOSTLY HAPPEN WITH COMIC READERS FOR SOME REASON (WHICH HULK COUNT AMONG THEIR MEMBERS… OBVIVOUSLY… THAT OBVIOUS, RIGHT?), BUT HULK HAVE SHOCKING NEWS FOR FELLOW READERS: PHYSICAL LOOK HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING DO WITH IT. SO STOP IT.

PUT IT THIS WAY, EVER WONDER WHY THERE NOT LOT PEOPLE OUT THERE COMPLAINING ABOUT GWENYTH PALTROW NOT BEING NATURAL REDHEAD IN PEPPER POTTS ROLE AFTER THE MOVIE COME OUT? IT BECAUSE SHE FUCKING FANTASTIC IN THOSE MOVIES. SHUT EVERYONE RIGHT UP. MEANWHILE HULK SEE ALL THE TIME LOTS COMIC READERS SAY THE REASON JESSICA ALBA NO GOOD IN FANTASTIC FOUR THE “SHE NOT LOOK RIGHT” OR “SHE A BRUNETTE. IT IDIOTIC!” WHY, YOU RIGHT! IT HAVE NOTHING DO WITH FACT SHE TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE ACTRESS.

THIS SORT OF “LOOK BASED EVALUATION” INSANITY HAPPEN ALL THE TIME. REMEMBER THE CRAIG NOT BOND PEOPLE WHO HAD GIANT CAMPAIGN GET DANIEL CRAIG UN-CAST AS BOND BECAUSE HE HAVE BLONDE HAIR. THE HUMANITY! EVER WONDER HOW SAD THAT CAMPAIGN GET? ONCE MOVIE COME OUT AND BECOME HUGE REBOOT SUCCESS EVERYONE LOVE THEY CLING TO FACT THAT HAPPY FEET OUTPERFORMED IT AS “EVIDENCE” THEY RIGHT…

HULK HATE BREAK TO YOU BUT CRAIG PRETTY INCREDIBLE BOND

THE BEST PART THAT THIS SOMETIMES HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ACTORS. THE O.C.D. “LOOKS BASED” TANGIBLE DETAIL THING ONCE APPLIED TO MICHAEL BAY’S TRANSFORMERS MOVIE. IN CASE FORGET, THERE ONCE TONS OF PEOPLE ONCE SIGN BOYCOTT THEY NO SEE TRANSFORMERS MOVIE IF OPTIMUS PRIME HAD FLAMES. THIS HAPPENED. AND IT ACTUALLY KIND OF POPULAR DESPITE NO ONE FROM DREAMWORKS EVER TAKING IT SERIOUSLY. AND THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY, BUT WILLING WAGER MOST PEOPLE SIGNED IT ACTUALLY SAW MOVIE ANYWAY.

TAKE THAT!

BACK TO REA- LIFE ACTORS: THE ACTUAL QUALITY OF ACTING ONLY AFFECT THESE VIEWERS ON SUBCONSCIOUS LEVEL. IT NOT TANGIBLE DETAIL TO THEM. SO TO EXPLAIN WHY JESSICA ALBA RUB THEM WRONG WAY THEY CLING TO PHYSICAL DETAILS. IT HAPPEN ALL THE TIME. O.C.D. COMIC NERDS CLING TO PHYSICAL LOOKS TO EXPLAIN CASTING CAUSE THEY JUST SIMPLY NOT FAMILIAR WITH ACTING.

BUT THE IMPORTANT PART THAT IT NOT LIKE THEY INHUMAN EITHER. VAST MAJORITY CAN GET OVER PHYSICAL DETAILS HEN ACTOR ACTUALLY GOOD. LIKE THE AFOREMENTIONED PALTROW. AND REMEMBER WHEN HUGH JACKMAN “TOO TALL” FOR WOLVERINE? NOBODY GAVE SHIT WHEN HE AWESOME. IDRIS ELBA” TOO BLACK” BE NORDIC GOD? THAT RIDICULOUS CLAMOR DIE DOWN AS SOON AS THEY SEE HOW BADASS HE IN IT. NOPE, IT ONLY COME UP WHEN THESE VIEWERS TRY EXPLAIN BADNESS. HALLE BERRY “SUCKED” AS STORM CAUSE OF HER HAIRDO. RIGHT. IT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HER CHARACTER HAVING NO PLOT/MOTIVATION. THE “LOOKS” THING ABSOLUTELY MOST PERFECT EXAMPLE PEOPLE CLINGING TO THE TANGIBLE DETAILS ARGUMENT.

BUT THAT JUST EXTREME EXAMPLE, RIGHT? HA-HA-HA LET ALL LAUGH AT THOSE DUMB COMIC NERDS ALONE IN THEIR MOM’S BASEMENT EATING BOOGERS (HULK HATE THIS STEREOTYPE WITH PASSION OF THOUSAND SMASHES) WHO SO BENEATH THE UNDERSTANDING OF ESTEEMED CINEPHILES LIKE US!

OKAY. HULK RAISE YOU WITHTHE SUPPOSED BELLWETHER-AND-BASTION-OF-QUALITY… THAT RIGHT, EVERYONE’S FAVORITE FILM CRITICISM LIGHTING ROD, THE OSCARS!

OR AS IT KNOW IN HULK'S HOUSE "THAT THING BETTY MAKE HULK WATCH"

UGH. HULK SORT OF UPSET WITH HULK-SELF CAUSE HULK USE THINK OSCARS ACTUALLY MATTERED. OH THEY MATTER IN HOLLYWOOD BUSINESS SENSE. THEY OFTEN GIVE MORE VIEWERSHIP GOOD FILMS AND HELP SPUR CAREERS MANY TALENTED PEOPLE. IN THAT SENSE HULK APPRECIATE THE WORTH. BUT HULK USE THINK THERE THINGS LIKE INJUSTICES AND TRAVESTIES. LIKE WHAT ACTUALLY WON IMPORTANT FOR SANCTITY OF UNIVERSE OR EVEN SOME KIND OF INDICATOR OF RELATIVE QUALITY. IT NOT TRUE.

THERE OLD ADAGE ABOUT OSCARS AND THAT YOU “SWITCH THE WORD ‘BEST’ WITH ‘MOST.'” AFTER SEEING VOTING PROCESS UP CLOSE HULK TELL YOU IT ABSOLUTELY TRUE. MOST ACTING. ALWAYS THE BIG BOMBASTIC PERFORMANCES WIN. VOTERS LOVE TANGIBLE EVIDENCE LIKE ACTOR PUTTING ON WEIGHT OR “GOING UGLY.” EVEN EXTREME EXAMPLES OF METHOD ACTING WILL DO. OR PERHAPS MOST COSTUME DESIGN. PICK YOUR PERIOD PIECE DU JOUR! MOST SCEENWRITING. PICK MOVIE WITH MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE, IGNORING CHARACTER MOTIVATION AND STORYTELLING 101 STUFF. JUST THE STUFF AVERAGE MOVIE-GOER KNOWS THE WRITER DID. HECK, EVEN MOST PICTURE WORKS. LOOK HOW MANY FLAWLESS FILMS HAVE LOST TO THE MOST EPIC ONE (MOST OBVIOUS L.A. CONFIDENTIAL VS. TITANIC). AND TITANIC AT LEAST HAVE SOME KIND HISTORICAL RELEVANCY. THERE REASON SO MANY OTHER BEST PICTURE WINNERS NO GO ON BECOME HISTORICAL GREATS.

AND SOME DIDN'T AGE WELL 1 SECOND AFTER BEING ANNOUNCED

BUT THE BEST EXAMPLE OF “TANGIBLE DETAILS” THEORY ALWAYS THE BEST EDITING CATEGORY. EVERY YEAR IT GO TO “MOST EDITING” WHICH USUALLY SOME FILM WITH LOTS OF RAPID CUTS OR MULTIPLE STORYLINES. IT SAD REALLY. FIRST OFF, THE BEST EDITING COMPLETELY INVISIBLE. WHEN YOU NO NOTICE IT THEN IT ACTUALLY A PROBLEM UNLESS THERE SUPPOSED TO BE LITERAL THEMATIC DEDUCTION TO BE MAKE BY CUT (THINK THE BONE/SPACESHIP TRANSITION IN 2001). SO HOW HELL EVEN JUDGE EDITING? HULK THINK TOM TWYKER’S HEAVEN MIGHT BE BEST EDITED MOVIE EVER, BUT MOST PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HULK EVEN TALKING ABOUT. YOU MAY THINK TWYKER’S RUN LOLA RUN MUCH BETTER EXAMPLE BUT THAT JUST A MOVIE WHERE THE EDITING/STYLE HYPER-TANGIBLE. MEANWHILE THOSE WHO SEEN HEAVEN SAY STUFF “IT SO SLOW AND BORING!” HULK PLEAD IF YOU EVER WATCH IT, PAY ATTENTION TO THE EDITING. IT KNOW EXACTLY HOW LONG HOLD A SILENCE. GREAT STUFF.

BUT THE EDITING ANALOGY TRUE EVEN WITH MAINSTREAM STUFF. HULK MENTIONED TITANIC EARLIER AND THINK IT ONE OF JAMES CAMERON’S SECRET WEAPONS. NO, HULK NOT TALKING ABOUT LENGTH OF MOVIE, BUT STYLE WITHIN SCENES. HULK GIVE CAMERON LOT OF CRAP FOR OTHER WELL-DESERVED REASONS, BUT HULK ACTUALLY THINK HIS INDIVIDUAL SCENES EDITED WONDERFULLY. HE THE ANTI-MICHAEL BAY IN THIS ARENA. HIS CUTS VERY DELIBERATE AND PACED. HE NEVER RELY ON TWO SHOTS WHEN ONE WILL DO. HIS CINEMATOGRAPHY ALWAYS HAVE GREAT SENSE GEOGRAPHY AND HIS EDITING CONFORM TO KEEP THAT IN MIND. HE NEVER RUIN IT BY CUTTING IN CLOSE TOO MUCH. BUT WHEN PUBLIC INSTEAD WHEN TALKING ABOUT WHY CAMERON’S ACTION SCENES GOOD MOST PEOPLE REFER TO THE “WHAT” HAPPEN, NOT THE SUBTLETIES OF HOW. IF ANYTHING THE “WHAT” OF CAMERON’S ACTION OFTEN 13-YEAR-OLD-ESQUE. “AND THE MECH WARRIOR THING CAN TAKE OUT THE BAYONET LIKE A KNIFE AND FIGHT THE THING!” AND SUCH. OR A DUMB CHARACTER BEING LIKE “I GOT A GUN TOO BITCH!” THAT STUFF INSIPID. HULK ARGUE WHAT THEY SUBCONSCIOUSLY RESPONDING TO REALLY WELL-EXECUTED ACTION MISE EN SCENE.

AND TRUTH = EVEN EXPERTS HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKING IDEA WHO BEST EDITORS ARE. THERE BEEN SO MANY MOVIES SAVED IN EDITING ROOM BY PEOPLE WHO NOW JUST THANKLESS HEROES. READ PETER BISKIND’S “EASY RIDERS RAGING BULLS” WHICH FULL OF GREAT STUFF ABOUT THE EDITING DECISIONS BEHIND CLASSIC FILMS. THE MOST FAMOUS EXAMPLE WHEN MARCIA LUCAS CONVINCE GEORGE TO EDIT STAR WARS FOR PACE INSTEAD OF THE RHYTHMS OF THE ACTORS. IT CHANGE MOVIE FROM WHATEVER EVERYONE CALLED “A COMPLETE BORE” TO, WELL, ONE OF MOST ENTERTAINING MOVIES EVER. AND SHE CHANGED FUTURE OF EDITING IN PROCESS.

IMPORTANT NOTE AS TO THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS KIND OF CONVINCING POWER: GEORGE LUCAS DIVORCED HIS EDITOR/WIFE MARCIA IN 1983 AND PROMPTLY NEVER MADE ANYTHING GOOD AGAIN.

SHE LIKELY THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD HAVE STOP THIS!

FINE, HULK WILL DO THING. STAR WARS TANGENT! HULK ARGUE IT MAY BE MOST COSTLY DIVORCE IN HISTORY OF POPULAR CINEMA. IN NEARLY ACCOUNT OF WHY GEORGE LUCAS NOW SUCK IT ALL STUFF LIKE: HOW HE SURROUND SELF WITH YES MEN, HOW HE GOT OLDER/ISOLATED/OUT OF TOUCH, HOW HE REALLY NOT GOOD AT DIRECTING IN FIRST PLACE, HOW HE COME MORE INTERESTED IN THE TECH NOT THE STORY… THE ONE THING NO ONE EVER, EVER, EVER SEEM MENTION THAT HE LOST MOST IMPORTANT CREATIVE PARTNER ON PLANET. WHO ELSE COULD HAVE TOLD MOST POWERFUL/INDEPENDENT PERSON IN HOLLYWOOD, “NO.” NO ONE. AND IF ANYONE WANT CLUE AS TO WHAT KIND PRESENCE SHE HAVE SHE THE REAL INFLUENCE FOR LEIA: SMART, SASSY, DEFIANT, FUN. THIS EXAMPLE OF ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE ANNOYING TANGIBLE DETAIL THINGS. ONLY IT NOT SUBCONSCIOUS TONE THING, BUT JUST RESEARCH BASED (AND GUESS HOW LITTLE RESEARCH GO ON BEFORE AN OPINION SHOUTED THESE DAYS). SO UNLESS READ UP ON HISTORY OF HER INVOLVEMENT OR UNDERSTAND A LOT ABOUT HOW CRUCIAL EDITING TO PROCESS TO THE FILMS THEN AVG. JOE STAR WARS FAN JUST WOULDN’T KNOW (AND NO HULK NOT GOING GET INTO SPECIFICS OF DIVORCE WHICH GEORGE TEND USE PAINT MARCIA IN BAD LIGHT, BUT IT MORE GRAY AREA THAN THAT). HULK ARGUE MOST STAR WARS NERDS KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MARCIA LUCAS AND SHE PROBABLY ONE OF 3 MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE INVOLVED WITH CREATING WHAT WE KNOW TO BE STAR WARS. HULK IMAGINE EVEN LOT OF FILM NERDS DISMISS HER EDITING ACUMEN AND THINK SHE JUST “THAT LADY GEORGE LET HELP.” HULK CALL BULLSHIT. IT IDEA FOSTERED BECAUSE SHE RETIRED FROM FILM AFTER THE DIVORCE SO IT JUST SEEM LIKE THAT. BUT BY ALL ACCOUNT SHE REALLY TALENTED. NOT JUST FROM STAR WARS ORIGINAL TRILOGY EDITING EITHER. HOW ABOUT HER INVOLVEMENT WITH SCORSESE CLASSICS ALICE DOESN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE AND FUCKING TAXI DRIVER? STARTING TO GET PICTURE NOW? END TANGENT!

OKAY. FORGET MOVIES. HOW BOUT THE MOST POPULAR FORM OF SOCIAL INTERACTION ON PLANET?

SPORTS!

YA HEAR THAT MOVIE NERDS? SPORTS!

FORTUNATELY, SPORTS HAVE STATISTICS WHICH HELP ILLUSTRATE CRITICAL ARGUMENTS, BUT MOST FANS NOT TAKE TIME DELVE INTO ACTUAL METRICS TO UNDERSTAND THE SUBTLETIES. THEY SIMPLY WATCH AND THINK “HE GOOD” OR “HE SUCKS” BASED ON OBVIOUS, TANGIBLE DETAILS. THAT WHY “BIG GAME” MOMENTS SO VALUABLE TO PLAYER’S ESTIMATED WORTH. IT JUST BECAUSE THEY THE MOMENTS WHERE THE MOST EYEBALLS SEEING WHAT REALLY JUST SMALL BITS EVIDENCE IN METRIC TERMS. BUT THOSE MOMENTS MAKE THINGS MEMORABLE AND SHAPE CONCLUSION, RATHER THAN THE 98% OF OTHER EVIDENCE WHICH MAY BE CONTRARY. MOST OBVIOUS AND WIDELY USED EXAMPLE = JETER’S “GUTSY” PLAY AT SHORTSTOP; AN OPINION BASED ON FEW AMAZING PLAYS IN BIG GAMES. BUT ALL ADVANCED SABREMETRICS SHOW HIS RANGE ACTUALLY TERRIBLE. STILL, THE PUBLIC REVERT TO THE TANGIBLE DETAILS.

NO WORRY, HULK WONT GO ON WITH SPORTS TALK EVEN THOUGH THERE THOUSANDS GREAT EXAMPLES (HULK ADORE SPORTS METRICS). THE POINT =  NO MATTER WHAT ARENA OF CRITICISM THE MORE KNOWLEDGE, EXPERIENCE, SENSE OF HISTORY YOU HAVE THE BETTER YOU BE AT ACTUAL DIAGNOSIS AND EVALUATION.(1) WE ALL KNOW THIS TRUE OF CONCRETE + TANGIBLE THINGS LIKE BEING CAR MECHANIC OR DOCTOR. BUT FOR SOME REASON, WITH INTANGIBLE THINGS LIKE ART OR MOVIES AND OTHER THINGS IN SOCIAL EXPERIENCE, THE PUBLIC FORGET THIS OR EVEN OUTRIGHT DESPISE THE “EXPERTS.”

WHY?

SERIOUSLY, LET’S DO THIS. WHY DO SO MANY PUBLIC MOVIE GOERS RESENT CRITICS? WHY THEY THINK THEY “OUT OF TOUCH?” CRITICS SEE HUNDREDS MOVIES A YEAR. THEY MORE “IN TOUCH” WITH WHAT HAPPENING IN MOVIES THAN ANYONE ELSE ON PLANET. THEY SEE EVERYTHING! HULK NOT TRYING PRETEND THEY PERFECT HUMAN BEINGS. OF COURSE SOME CRITICS CAN BE PATRONIZING ASSHOLES. BUT THAT NOT HAVE ANYTHING DO WITH WHAT THEY ACTUALLY SAYING ABOUT MOVIE AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, BEING AN ASSHOLE NEVER THEIR MOTIVATION FOR WRITING SOMETHING ONE WAY OR OTHER. IT ONLY AFFECT STYLE. MEANING THE PROBLEM NOT ACTUALLY THEIR CRITICISM. WE ALL ADMIT ARMOND WHITE = RAGING ASSHOLE AND SEEMINGLY BACKWARD IN EVERY ESTIMATION, BUT WHEN LOOK CLOSE THE MAN HAVE METHOD TO HIS MADNESS.

HULK NOT JOKING

THAT WEIRD CONSUMERISM/INVERSE PRODUCTION VALUE TAKE = ACTUALLY HOW HE THINK. HE LOVE BRINGING IN RACIAL/SOCIO-ECONOMICAL NON-SEQUITUR INTO EQUATION. ABSURDISH? SURE. BUT IT NOT LIKE HE UNEDUCATED, HE SEEN EVERY FILM IMAGINABLE. AGAIN, IT JUST MEAN OUR PROBLEM NOT HIS CRITICISM, OR EVEN THAT HE TANGENTIAL WITH ARGUMENTS. IT JUST CAUSE HE AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT. STILL, SO MANY PEOPLE CONFUSE THE TWO. THE BIGGEST ARGUMENT LOBBED AT CRITIC DISSENTERS THAT THEY JUST CONTRARIANS, OR HAVE AGENDA, OR JUST LIKE PISSING PEOPLE OF.

DOES ARMOND WHITE LIKE PISSING PEOPLE OF? YUP.

BUT HULK NO THINK THAT THE REASON HE GO ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ON MOVIE. IN FACT, HULK NEVER MET NOR READ A CRITIC WHO WRITE A PIECE ONE WAY OR OTHER FOR SOLE PURPOSE OF JUST TRYING GET RISE OUT OF PEOPLE. NOT FUCKING ONE. THERE CRITICS WHO MORE ANTAGONISTIC THAN OTHERS, BUT ANTAGONISM NEVER THE REASON FOR THAT OPINION IN FIRST PLACE. TRUST HULK. TO SIT DOWN AND ACTUALLY WRITE REVIEW THAT NOT ACTUALLY WHAT THINK… IT JUST IMPOSSIBLE. YET THE BELIEF THAT DISSENTING CRITICS NOTHING MORE THAN AGITATORS SO INCREDIBLY COMMON. HULK NO GET!

AND WHY EVEN GET ANGRY WITH CRITICS FOR DISSENTING OPINION?

IS IT CAUSE NO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY SAYING? NOT GET THE REFERENCE POINTS? CAN NO IMAGINE HOW SOMEONE ACTUALLY THINK LIKE THAT? HULK WANT KNOW WHY THAT AUTOMATICALLY MAKE THEM WORTHLESS? TO TURN TABLES WITH FAMILIAR ANECDOTE, HULK SOMETIMES RESENT CAR MECHANICS (LOWER-CASE-R-RESENT. NOT SERIOUSLY) CAUSE HULK NOT GET LANGUAGE OF CARS AND WHAT THEY EXPLAINING TO HULK. HULK FEEL LOST. BUT HULK NO THINK THE MECHANIC USELESS AND “OUT OF TOUCH” WITH CARS, DO HULK? NOT AT ALL. HULK CAN NO GET ANGRY AND ASSUME THEY IDIOT THEY NOT KNOW ANYTHING. THEY AUTOMATICALLY KNOW MORE THAN HULK (AND GETTING “TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF” ANOTHER SITUATION BASED ON ECONOMICS. THIS PURELY CONVERSATION ABOUT KNOW-HOW SO THAT NO RELATED). SO WHY WE DO SAME WITH PROFESSIONAL EVALUATORS OF ART?

YOU ASSHOLE. YOU JUST HAVE AGENDA AGAINST AMERICAN-MADE CARBURETORS! ... HULK NOT EVEN KNOW IF THAT MAKE SENSE AS JOKE

ULTIMATELY, HULK REALLY ONLY FEEL TRULY QUALIFIED TALK ABOUT 7-8 TOPICS WITH ANY SORT OF CONFIDENCE. SAID TOPICS IN ORDER = MOVIES/MEDIA/LIT, COOKING, THE EDUCATION SYSTEM, BASKETBALL, HISTORY, SOCIOLOGY, OCEANOGRAPHY (HULK HAD ENCOMPASSING EDUCATIONAL PATH, OKAY? DEAL WITH IT), AND ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGY. NOW THERE STILL TONS OTHER SUBJECTS HULK INTERESTED IN, BUT ANYTHING OUTSIDE THOSE  7-8 AND HULK SORT OF TALKING OUT HULK BUTT. EVEN 7-8 SEEM LIKE LOT. AND OF THOSE HULK OFTEN GET IN MOST TROUBLE WITH PSYCHOLOGY (HENCE THE “ARMCHAIR” ACKNOWLEDGMENT). THERE MANY TIMES HULK SAY SOMETHING HULK THINK TRUE OF PSYCHOLOGY AND THEN ACTUALLY QUALIFIED PERSON SAY “UH, ACTUALLY HULK, NO SMASH ME, BUT IT REALLY LIKE THIS.” AND THEN HULK EMBARRASSED AND STUFF AND SMASH SELF OUT OF SHAME.

HULK SUSPECT THE PROBLEM THAT EVERYONE SEE MOVIES. IT BIG SOCIAL COMMUNITY THING AND IMPORTANT ONE AT THAT. MEANWHILE, NOT EVERYONE SITTING AROUND TALKING ABOUT TRENDS IN OCEANOGRAPHY.(2) MEANWHILE ” EVERYONE” SAW AVATAR. PERHAPS IN MORE PROBLEMATIC FASHION, THEY GET SEE EXACT SAME MOVIE YOU DO. THIS MEAN FILM CRITICISM MORE DEPENDENT ON WHAT OTHER FILMS SEEN AND PROCESSED BEFORE IT AND HOW FAMILIAR CRITIC WITH FILMMAKERS. WHICH JUST MEAN ANY INTANGIBLE DETAILS IN MOVIE SEEM EVEN MORE IRRELEVANT TO CASUAL OUTSIDER. BUT OF COURSE SEEING TONS MOVIES = CRITICAL. IT ALLOW CONSTRUCT PERSPECTIVE. A SENSE OF FILMIC TRENDS. NARRATIVE. UNDERSTANDING. ALL THAT GOOD STUFF.

BUT EVEN IF THE “EXPERTS” = THE QUALIFIED ONES, EVERYONE STILL HAVE RIGHT THEIR OPINION ON MOVIES. IT ULTIMATELY JUST A CONVERSATION AFTER ALL. IT NOT LIKE OTHER ARENAS WITH TANGIBLE LIFE/DEATH THINGS WHERE ONLY QUALIFIED PEOPLE ALLOWED PARTICIPATE. YOU CAN NO PRACTICE ARMCHAIR HEART SURGERY. YOU CAN NO “SORT OF” BE DOCTOR…

THOUGH HULK KNOW A GUY

HONESTLY, HULK FEEL LIKE HULK JUST NOW STARTING GET COMFORTABLE WITH FILM CRITICISM. IT TOOK DECADES REALLY. IT HARD LEARN HOW DIGEST WHAT OFTEN EMOTIONAL REACTIONS. BUT EVEN CONCEPTUALLY, MANY YOUNG PEOPLE THINK JUST CAUSE STUDYING IT THAT MEAN THEY AT HEIGHT OF UNDERSTANDING. HULK WARNING ALL FILM STUDENTS OUT THERE. SORRY, IT TAKE LOT LONGER. TRUST HULK, WHO OFTEN LOOK BACK AT COLLEGE PAPERS AND GROAN. BUT EVERY YEAR HULK GET SHARPER IN ABILITY TO EXPLAIN IDEAS, THE VISCERAL REACTIONS, AND THE SUBCONSCIOUS FEELINGS THAT MOVIES ALWAYS ELICIT. THE EDUCATION NEVER STOP.

SO TAKE IT FROM HULK. WHEN DEALING WITH EVERYTHING OUTSIDE THOSE 7-8 TOPICS HULK KNOW ABOUT (OR WHATEVER CASE FOR YOU), IT AMAZING WHAT GOODWILL COME BY SIMPLY STARTING STATEMENT WITH “MAYBE HULK JUST TALKING OUT BUTT HERE, BUT [INSERT OPINION HERE]”

IN THE MEANTIME, SAME ADVICE ALWAYS:

SEE MORE MOVIES.

HAWKEYE CONVINCE HULK WATCH ROBIN HOOD... AGAIN

ENDNOTES:

(1) AND YES, THERE ALWAYS SOME ADDED AMOUNT POLITICAL OR PERSONAL MOTIVATION MIXED UP IN THIS. THEY EVEN MAY PROMOTE AGENDA (BUT THAT RARER THEN MOST THINK. UNLESS IT ACTUAL POLITICS IN WHICH CASE JUST GIVE UP). BUT HULK THINK THAT THE FOUNDATION. FOR EXAMPLE, IF SOMEONE DEVOTED CHRISTIAN WATCHING MOVIE THEN THINGS THAT BECOME MOST OBVIOUS TANGIBLE DETAILS TO THEM = THE THINGS THAT DEAL WITH OR FLY IN FACE OF THEIR BELIEFS. AND THAT WHY THEY RESPOND TO THEM. IT THE MOST OBVIOUS EXAMPLES OF WHAT “WRONG” WITH THE MOVIE, EVEN IF IT NOT THE LANGUAGE OF MOVIES BUT INSTEAD PERSONAL THEOLOGICAL LANGUAGE.

(2) THIS THE CHIEF PROBLEM WITH POLITICS. POLITICS OFTEN CONCERN SO MANY THINGS THAT SUPER-INTERESTING BUT ACTUALLY HAVE NOTHING DO WITH POLITICS. THEY SEPARATE ARENAS THAT REQUIRE EXPERTISE. BUT BECAUSE SO MUCH AT STAKE IN POLITICS (READ: POWER), EVERYTHING BECOME POLITICIZED IN EFFORT “SIMPLIFY” FOR MASSES. BUT INSTEAD STRIVE FOR CLARITY, THEY GO FOR SIMPLICITY AND THOSE PESKY SUPER-OBVIOUS TANGIBLE DETAILS. LIKE WITH GLOBAL WARMING EVERY COLLOQUIAL CONVERSATION SEEM RELY ON SINGULAR EXAMPLES AS “PROOF” ONE WAY OR OTHER. WHILE EXAMPLES MAY BE “TRUE” IN + OF THEMSELVES, THEY NOT INCLUDE THE COMPLICATED-YET-STILL-COMPLETELY-FIGURED-OUT SYSTEMIC REALITY OF HOW WEATHER ACTUALLY WORK. IT ASININE… AND HULK WOULD SAY “HULK NOT WANT GET POLITICAL FOR FOLLOWING” BUT SCREW IT CAUSE THE FOLLOWING ACTUALLY NOT POLITICAL STATEMENT WHATSOEVER. WHEN TREATED IN PROPER TERMS OF SYSTEMIC SCIENTIFIC EVALUATION, GLOBAL WARMING = SCIENTIFICALLY UNDENIABLE. ABSOLUTELY EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF “EVIDENCE” TO CONTRARY = PURE JUNK SCIENCE. THEY WILL SHOW SINGULAR EXAMPLE OF HOW WARMING TREND NOT HAPPENING IN SPECIFIC SPOT AS “PROOF,” BUT IF LOOKED AT FURTHER EVEN IN MOST CASUAL WAY THEY THEN REALIZE THAT THIS NON-WARMING TREND OCCURRING BECAUSE OF GEOGRAPHICALLY ADJACENT SPIKE IN WARMING TREND. FOR EXAMPLE AN OCEAN TEMPERATURE COOLING IN THIS LITTLE PART OF SEA NOT BECAUSE GLOBAL WARMING A HOAX, BUT BECAUSE THE WARMING TEMPERATURE MELTING THE GLACIER RIGHT NEXT TO IT AND SPILLING COLD WATER INTO THIS LITTLE PART OF SEA. AND IT NOT “EVENING THINGS OUT” BUT CAUSING MASSIVE DEVASTATION TO BOTH THE WARMING LAND AND THE COOLING SEA. AND THEN BOTH REACTIONS JUST MAKE THE CYCLE GROW STRONGER. IT OMISSION OF RELEVANT INFORMATION AND ANY SCIENTIST WORTH DAMN IGNORE IT.*

*HULK REALIZE THIS CRAZY TANGENT BUT IT JUST SO DAMN PERTINENT AND HULK SICK TO DEATH OF HEARING THAT THIS A “SCIENTIFIC DEBATE.” NOPE. IT A MANUFACTURED ONE. DON’T BELIEVE HULK? HULK WAS APPROACHED 30 TIMES BY VARIOUS SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS MASKING OIL COMPANIES AND OFFERED CASH TO WRITE ANTI-GLOBAL WARMING PAPERS… STRAIGHT CASH… 30 FUCKING TIMES… AS COLLEGE STUDENT. GO WORK THAT ONE OUT FOR SELVES. THE POLITICIZATION OF A SCIENTIFIC ISSUE = JOKE.

HULK VS. THE BONDS: YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK.  HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.

THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.

THIS WOULD BE THE YOUTH-AIMED POSTER

ENTRY #5: YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

SO IN LAST COLUMN ON THUNDERBALL, HULK TALK ABOUT SURPRISINGLY DELICATE TONE NEEDED FOR GOOD BOND MOVIES. THEY NEED BE UP-FRONT YET NOT RIDICULOUS. OBVIOUS, BUT NOT IN YOUR FACE. HULK THINK DR. NO, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, AND THUNDERBALL EXECUTE THIS TONE RATHER WELL.

 YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE DOES NOT.

THIS THE FIFTH FILM IN SERIES AND WHAT HULK CONSIDER THE “PROPER END” OF SEAN CONNERY RUN. TAKEN IN THAT CONTEXT, THE FILM ACTUALLY DELIVER IN NUMBER WAYS. I.E., BOND FINALLY MEET THE HEAD OF SPECTER, THE STROKER OF WHITE KITTENS, ERNST STARVO BLOFIELD!

DUHN DUHN DUHHHHHH

THE CHARACTER GO ONE BE USED MANY TIMES, BUT THIS THE ABSOLUTE BEST VERSION. NO QUESTION. THE ETERNALLY-AWESOME DONALD PLEASANCE PLAY HIM WITH THIS GREAT DETACHED, MALEVOLENT, YET STILL REALLY FAY QUALITY. HE ETHEREAL AND DOWNRIGHT STRANGE. HULK FIND IT BE ONE OF THE SILLIEST-BUT-PLAYED-STRAIGHT PERFORMANCES EVER. WHY HULK ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS PSYCHOTIC WEIRDO MESSED UP ENOUGH TO HAVE WELL-PAID CRONIES RUNNING AROUND JUMP SUITS CARRYING OUT EVIL PLANS. AND YES FOLKS, HE THE OBVIOUS INFLUENCE FOR DR. EVIL (THAT AND LORNE MICHAELS OF COURSE).

THE PLOT KIND OF HILARIOUS. THE FILM START WITH JAMES BOND’S DEATH BEING FAKED SO HE CAN OPERATE IN SECRET.  OR SOMETHING. THIS VERY IDEA HILARIOUS AS HE SUPPOSED BE SECRET AGENT. BUT SINCE ALWAYS USE REAL NAME AND SEEMINGLY KNOWN ALL OVER WORLD HULK GUESS IT MAKE “MOVIE SENSE.”  MEANWHILE BLOFIELD SECRETLY ABDUCTING RUSSIAN AND AMERICAN ASTRONAUTS (IN SPACE-JACKINGS!) TO TRY START WORLD WAR THREE. HE OPERATING OUT OF JAPAN FOR SOME REASON. MOSTLY SO BOND CAN START TAPPING ASIA HULK GUESS.

SO BOND ARRIVE IN JAPAN AND ATTEND A SUMO WRESTLING MATCH BECAUSE, UNLESS TV AND MOVIE LIE TO HULK, THAT AUTOMATICALLY WHAT HAPPEN WHEN FIRST GO TO JAPAN. THERE THIS WEIRD BIT OF FLIRTY CAT AND MOUSE GAME WITH MYSTERIOUS JAPANESE WOMAN. IT SEEM LIKE SHE ABDUCT JAMES BOND AFTER TRICKING HIM INTO THIS SLIDE THING, BUT TURN OUT SHE WITH JAPANESE SECRET SERVICE AND TOTALLY ON BONDS SIDE. IT MAKE NO SENSE BUT WHATEVER. HER NAME AKI AND SHE TAKE HIM TO BOSS TIGER TANAKA WHO TAKE HIM SOMEONE ELSE BLAH BLAH BLAH. EVEN THOUGH LOTS STUFF OCCURRING, THIS FIRST ACT HAVE ZERO NARRATIVE STEAM.

UNLESS YOU DEFINE THIS NARRATIVE STEAM... SOME OF YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY

AND THEN IN SECOND ACT EVEN MORE OF WHOLE BUNCH STUFF HAPPEN. SERIOUSLY. THE MOVIE JAM PACKED WITH SUDDEN BITS INFORMATION AND NARRATIVE TURNS AND HULK NO MAKE SENSE OF ANY OF IT (AND HULK PRETTY SURE HULK HAVE DECENT LOCK ON PLOT OF PRIMER SO THAT TELL YOU THIS BOND PLOT LIKELY NOT VALID). HULK GUESS THE MOVIE REALLY TRYING ACT LIKE ACTUAL SPY/INTRIGUE MOVIEM BUT THEY MAKE HUGE MISTAKE OF ASSUMING NEW PLOT DEVELOPMENTS = MYSTERY. IF THERE NO THROUGH-LINE OR MOTIVE, REALLY IT JUST BS MACGUFFIN-HOPPING.

EVENTUALLY BOND REALIZE SOMETHING FUNKY GOING ON THIS REMOTE ISLAND. SO HE GO TO TANAKA’S NEARBY NINJA ISLAND… YES. ACTUAL NINJA ISLAND. THERE TIMES IT USED EFFECTIVELY AND TIMES IT CRINGE WORTHY, BUT OVERALL HULK OKAY WITH THE NINJA ISLAND DEVELOPMENT. SO THEN Q SHOW UP AND BOND RIDE IN DORKY HELICOPTER TO SCOUT THE STRANGE ISLAND. THERE HELICOPTER FIGHT SCENE THAT KIND OF NEAT. LATER THE BAD GUYS RETALIATE AND AKI (WHO BOND CURRENTLY DOING IF HULK NO MENTION) GET KILLED IN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT. BOND SAD.

BUT THAT LITERALLY FOR, LIKE, TWO SECOND CAUSE BOND THEN HAVE GET MARRIED TO NEW HOT JAPANESE WOMAN AS PART OF SUBLIMATION INTO JAPANESE CULTURE.. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEN… PERHAPS HULK SHOULD EXPLAIN WHAT LEAD UP TO IT.

IN ORDER FOR BOND BE ON THIS NINJA ISLAND, BOND TOLD HE HAVE “BECOME JAPANESE” TO BLEND IN AND BE ACCEPTED. SO THEY DO OBVIOUS THING AND PUT HIM IN BLACK MOE WIG, CHANGE ANGLE OF EYEBROWS, AND GIVE HIM MASCARA. IN CASE IT NO OBVIOUS, HE LOOK NOTHING LIKE JAPANESE PERSON…

HE LOOK LIKE THIS

THE JAW-DROPPING THING THAT THIS MAYBE ONLY LIKE THE 17TH MOST ABSURD THING EVER HAPPEN IN BOND MOVIE AND MAYBE ONLY THE 28TH MOST RACIST THING. STILL, EVERYONE NOW TREAT BOND AS JAPANESE-NINJA-IN-TRAINING EVEN THOUGH CONNERY CONTINUE USE THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT. TO CONNERY’S “CREDIT” HE DO MANAGE ADD THIS WEIRD TIC OF PROPRIETY, LIKE AT LEAST ATTEMPT MAKE SOME KIND OF VERBAL CHANGE, BUT IT ONLY MAKE THING ALL THE MORE SAD.

LOOK, HULK ARGUE THERE SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF IN SPIRIT OF MOVIE AND SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF AGAINST SPIRIT OF MOVIE. THIS CLEARLY AGAINST. JUST ONE OF THOSE AMAZINGLY TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE CHOICES THAT NO CAN BELIEVE EVERYONE KEEP SAYING “YEAH SURE.” IT PRETTY MUCH HAUNTED THE MOVIE FOREVER. IT CAN NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY WAY AFTER DOING THIS. YET IT SO DELIGHTFULLY INSANE AND DATED THAT HULK LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT. BUT IT ONLY IRONIC ENJOYMENT, NOT GENUINE DELIGHT. MODERN AUDIENCES TEND CONFUSE THE TWO A BIT SO HULK JUST MAKING CLEAR THE DIFFERENCE.

SO BACK TO BOND MARRYING NEW RANDOM HOT JAPANESE GIRL. AGAIN, AKI DIED MINUTES AGO. HE NOW BEING TOLD HE HAVE MARRY NEW GIRL. BOND, EVER DEVOTED TO THE MISSION, WORRIED HE GOING BE WED TO FAT COW. BUT OF COURSE HIS NEW WIFE HE MEET AT CEREMONY ANOTHER HOT JAPANESE GIRL NAMED KISSY SUZUKI (BOND GIRL NAMING NEVER CEASE AMAZE HULK). SO NEEDLESS SAY BOND EXCITED. HE PROMPTLY TRY ENJOY HIS NEW MARRIAGE BENEFITS BUT KISSY NOT HAVIN IT… WHOA… MORALS! SELF-ESTEEM! THIS REALLY A BOND MOVIE?

OK... PERHAPS THERE A SLIDING SCALE...

SO IMMEDIATELY THEY GO INTO 3RD ACT MODE AND IT TAKE BOND WAY TO LONG TO FIGURE OUT THE VOLCANO FAKE. THEY GO INTO BLOFELD’S LAYER.  PIRANHAS HAPPEN. THERE SOME ARYAN STRONGMAN TYPE. NINJA ISLAND SHOWS UP TO FIGHT. AND FINALLY THEY HAVE EPIC LAME CONFRONTATION WHERE BLOFELD SOMEHOW ESCAPE ON TINY MONORAIL. BOND SAVE DAY. ESCAPE WITH KISSY AND THEY GET IN ON IN SURVIVAL RAFT (THIS HAPPEN A LOT TO BOND).

SO AGAIN, IT NOT EXACTLY THE WHAT BUT THE HOW. THE FILM HAVE ALL THIS WEIRD HALF-ASSEDNESS WHERE IT NOT COASTING IN GOOD WAY. IT NO LIKE DIRECTOR LEWIS GILBERT ABJECTLY HORRIBLE. HE JUST NOT AS GOOD AT BALANCE LIKE TERENCE YOUNG. THE TONE JUST READ FAR SILLIER SOME PLACE THEN INTENDED. SURE DEAR READER, IT STILL FAR FROM ROGER MOORE DEPTHS OF CORNINESS. BUT SERIES PROBLEMS STARTING CREEP IN SERIES: THE JUMPSUIT-CLAD MINIONS STARTING DESCEND INTO PARODY.  FUTURE MOVIES WILL MISTAKE BLOFELD’S STRANGENESS FOR THE REASON HE GOOD (REALLY IT BECAUSE PLEASENCE MADE THAT SHIT WORK). THE AFOREMENTIONED RACIST STUFF. THE NONSENSICAL PLOT. THE MACGUFFIN HOPPING. THERE LOTS OF STUFF HERE THAT SPELL DOOM FOR THE FIRST “END OF THE SERIES.”

BUT STILL HULK HAPPY ACCEPT IT FOR WAYS IT GOOD AS “CONCLUSION” TO CONNERY’S RUN.

WEIRD NOTE: THE MOVIE WRITTEN BY ROALD DAHL. YES THAT RHOALD DAHL. HIS ONLY SCREENPLAY CREDITS THIS AND CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG. BOTH NOVELS ACTUALLY BY IAN FLEMING! HULK SURE THERE SOME REASON FOR IT, BUT ON SURFACE IT SEEM FUCKING BIZARRE.

BEST MOMENT: BOND BREAK INTO OSATA CHEMICALS AND END UP FACING THIS BIG STRONG JAPANESE GUY. THERE FISTICUFFS AND COUCH FLIPPING BUT IT ABSOLUTELY BEST FILMED FIGHT SCENE TO DATE. GRANTED, MOST OF FIGHTING BEFORE THIS IN THAT LAZY “CLASSIC” STYLE WHERE TO GUYS JUST EXCHANGE PUNCHES AND BLOCK AWKWARDLY, BUT FOR EVEN TODAY IT PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?

GOOD NEWS FOR ASIAN FETISHISTS!*

*NOTE: BECAUSE THIS THE INTERNET AND HARD TELL IF SERIOUS OR NOT, HULK NOT ACTUALLY IMPLYING DATING ASIAN PEOPLE = FETISHISM. COME ON. HULK POINTING OUT THE DISTINCTLY FETISHISTIC NATURE TO PRETTY MUCH ALL MINORITY BOND GIRLS THAT COME INTO FOLD PRE-HALLE BERRY… HULK ALSO ACCEPT ARGUMENTS FOR GRACE JONES AS SHE SORT OF “POST-RACIAL” TOO. BUT SERIOUSLY. IT ALWAYS FETISHISTIC. THINK HULK JOKING? OBSERVE:

HULK MEAN, REALLY

THIS STUFF ON THE ACTUAL POSTERS.

IT INTERESTING THING BRING UP ACTUALLY. TO AUDIENCE TODAY, IT LAUGHABLY INSULTING TO THINK STUFF LIKE THIS “PROGRESSIVE” BUT IT CAPTURE THAT WEIRD MOMENT IN TIME WHERE IT NOT COMPLETELY MERIT-LESS ARGUMENT.  THE BOND PEOPLE TALK AT LENGTH ABOUT THEIR FORWARD THINKING HERE AND HOW THEY CAST INTERRACIAL LOVE INTERESTS. HULK MEAN IT JUST SO OBVIOUS THAT IDEA OF MEN BEDDING WOMEN OF EXOTIC RACES NOT FORWARD THINKING IN SLIGHTEST. HECK, IT BEEN FASCINATION OF MALE CULTURE FOREVER (HULK COULD EVEN ARGUE IT GO BACK TO GENETIC PREDISPOSITION BUT THAT PRETTY B.S. TOO). BUT POINT IS, AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME IT NOT SOMETHING ALL THAT WELL-REPRESENTED IN POPULAR NARRATIVE. SO EVEN THOUGH IT FETISHISTIC, AT LEAST IT NOT CAPITAL R-RACIST DEMAGOGUEY WHITE PURITY BACKWARDNESS … HULK JUST REALIZE THIS TERRIBLE ARGUMENT FOR WHY IT OKAY.

MOVING ON…

AKIKO WAKABAYASHI AS AKI – AKI ACTUALLY DECENT. THIS POINT IN SERIES WERE SOME OF BOND GIRLS START BEING ALLOWED BE CAPABLE OF, LIKE, ACTUALLY DOING SPY STUFF. SO THAT NEAT. SHE ACTUALLY SEEM LIKE WOMAN FULL OF CONFIDENCE TOO. HER PARTNERSHIP WITH BOND NOT SEEM LIKE OUT SOME OBLIGATION, BUT MORE “IM’MA DO WHAT I WANT DO.” WHICH WHAT SHOULD BE, RIGHT? BUT HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE HAVE DIE HALFWAY THROUGH. THERE NO ACTUAL DRAMA TO IT. AND IT WOULD BEEN MUCH MORE INTERESTING IF SHE GO ALL WAY THROUGH ACTION FIGHTING AT BOND’S SIDE.

KARIN DOR AS HELGA BRANDT – SO THIS LADY IN MOVIE TOO. SHE ONE OF BAD GUYS ASSISTANTS AND SHE SORT OF LOOK LIKE CROSS BETWEEN LUCIANA FROM LAST FILM AND THE DIANA RIGG FROM FILM AFTER THIS ONE… THAT KIND OF WEIRD. HER BOND GIRL ARCHETYPE = THE MARGINALIZED AND USED ASSISTANT. THIS ONE COME UP LOT IN BOND FILMS. SHE COMMANDED BY BOSS TO KILL JAMES BOND. SO SHE PRETEND DEFECT TO HIS SIDE FOR SOME REASON, SLEEP WITH HIM, THEN TRY KILL HIM BY JUMPING OUT HIS FAILING PLANE. SURPRISE THOUGH, BOND ESCAPE! THE WHOLE SEQUENCE PRETTY BIZARRE. AND MORE THAN THAT, THESE CHARACTERS ALWAYS STRIKE HULK AS SADDEST IN SERIES. THEY PAWNS IN BIG SEXUAL MAN’S GAME. THEY ESSENTIALLY ABUSED BY THEIR BOSSES, THEN ABUSED BY BOND. AUDIENCE SUPPOSED BE OKAY WITH IT CAUSE SHE “BAD GUY” CHARACTER, BUT THAT RARELY WAY IT FEEL. ANYWAY, FOR HER FAILURE KILL BOND SHE TREATED TO ONE OF BEST DEATHS IN THE ENTIRE SERIES:

PIRANHA’D!

MIE HAMA AS KISS SUZUKI – AHHH, THE INTERCHANGEABLE REPLACEMENT… HULK ALREADY DISCUSS AT LENGTH SO… WHATEVER.

OK, OK. HULK GUESS IT WORTH SAYING SHE NICE ENOUGH OR SOMETHING. SHE ALTERNATED BETWEEN DOE-EYED AND FEIGNED COMPETENCE. BUT IT JUST ALL SO UNDESERVED COMING SO SOON AFTER AKI.

KNOWING BOND, HE PROBABLY JUST COULD NO TELL THEM APART AND FIGURED AKI LIVE OR SOMETHING

MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: THERE METRIC-SHIT-TON IN THIS MOVIE, BUT HULK HAVE SAY IT HOW HILARIOUSLY FAST BOND MOVE ON FROM AKI TO AFOREMENTIONED NEXT GENERIC ASIAN GIRL.

SUPPORTING CAST: HULK ALREADY TALK ABOUT HOW AWESOME PLEASANCE = AS BLOFELD. BUT REALLY THERE NO OTHER NEW INTERESTING CHARACTERS ASIDE ONES HULK ALREADY MENTION. MR. OSATO PRETTY MUCH A BORE. THE ARYAN STRONGMAN HAVE NOTHING GOING ON. REALLY. THAT IT.

AT LEAST DESMOND LLEWELYN SORT OF COMING INTO OWN AS Q IN THIS MOVIE. HE GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH HIS GRUMPY, PATERNAL NATURE WITH BOND AND SEEM FULLY DEVELOPED THE Q SCHTICK. STILL, IT FINALLY NICE SEE HIM DELIGHT IN BOND’S ABILITY TO USE THE EQUIPMENT HANDILY.

NOW PAY ATTENTION...

DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: THREE HULK SMASHES OUT OF FIVE! (THIS MAY SEEM HIGH GIVE REVIEW, BUT HULK ASSURE YOU. IT GONNA GET WORSE SOON)

BETTY’S TAKE: [upon seeing James Bond appear in ridiculous “japanese” disguise]: “Oh rordy!”**

**SIGH. IN CASE HULK HAVE EXPLAIN JOKE AGAIN, BETTY NOT ACTUALLY BEING RACIST BUT MIMICKING THE RACIST ATTITUDE OF FILMMAKERS FOR HAVING CREATED SUCH MONSTROSITY… THAT CLEAR, RIGHT? HULK FEEL LIKE THE INTERNET MAKING HULK CRAZY.

HULK VS. THE BONDS: THUNDERBALL (1965)

LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK.  HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.

THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.

BOND ENTRY #4: THUNDERBALL (1965)

HULK HAVE GET BACK TO THIS ARTICLE SERIES SO THAT HULK NOT FORGET THEM AGAIN. RIGHT NOW HULK JUST FINISHING UP DALTON ENTRIES SO, SAY LEAST, HULK BEHIND. WHEN LAST LEFT THIS SERIES HULK ARGUE GOLDFINGER NOT THE GREAT MOVIE MOST REMEMBER. IT JUST JUST HAVE REALLY GREAT HIGH POINTS AND UNDERNEATH THOSE BITS THERE WHOLE BUNCH OF PROBLEMS THAT UNDO THE SERIES LATER ON.

LUCKILY, THUNDERBALL MORE LIKE IT.

HULK HAPPY TO HAVE ANOTHER BOND IN LINE WITH THE THINGS HULK LIKED ABOUT THE FIRST TWO ENTRIES.  THE FILM HAVE QUIET CONFIDENCE ABOUT IT. CALL IT SURE-FOOTED. THIS MOSTLY DUE TO THE RETURN OF TERENCE YOUNG, THE GREAT DIRECTOR OF FIRST TWO BOND FILMS WHO SEEM EXACTLY KNOW HOW MAKE JAMES BOND FILMS FEEL EFFORTLESS; THERE KIND OF “REALISTIC” PORTRAYAL OF BOND AND YET HE TOTALLY OF THAT PARTICULAR WORLD. BUT IT DEFINITELY CONNERY TOO. HE COMPLETELY KNOW HOW PLAY BOND AT THIS POINT (OR HULK WONDER IF MAYBE HE JUST COMFORTABLE BEING HIMSELF). MORE IMPORTANTLY, THIS FILM THE LAST ENTRY IN SERIES BEFORE CONNERY SEEM LOSE INTEREST IN ROLE.

ASIDE FROM THIS, THERE NOT LOT  SAY ABOUT THUNDERBALL IN TERMS OF DISTINCTION. THE PLOT FAIRLY STRAIGHTFORWARD, BOND NOW MOVING UP THE SPECTER RANKS AND GOING AFTER “NUMBER TWO” A.K.A. EMILIO LARGO. THERE SOMEWHAT NIFTY BIT ABOUT BODY SWITCHING WITH PLASTIC SURGERY DOUBLES. AND SOME NUCLEAR BOMB THEFT. STILL, THERE SOME WONDERFULLY INSANE BITS IN THE FIRST ACT. LIKE THE WHOLE PRE-CREDITS OPEN AND THE JET PACK REVEAL. LIKE THE CORRUPTED “SPINAL TRACTION MACHINE” WHICH TOTALLY FILMED LIKE JAMES BOND FUCKING SOMETHING TO DEATH.

OUCH

HULK LOVE WHEN BOND FILMS SO ON-THE-NOSE ABOUT THIS KIND OF STUFF. LIKE THE CASTRATION LASER FROM GOLDFINGER. THE PHALLOCENTRIC THEMATICS JUST WORK SO MUCH BETTER WHEN IT CLEANER + SELF AWARE. HULK ARGUE BOND FILMS AT THEIR WORST WHEN THE PSYCHO-SEXUAL-MACHOISM STUFF MORE UNDER THE SURFACE AND SNEAKY. IT FEEL MUCH MORE INSIDIOUS. BUT WHEN IT THIS BIG AND BOMBASTIC, WITHOUT BEING OUTRIGHT CARTOONY, IT ABSOLUTELY BEST WAY PRESENT BOND IN ALL HIS RIDICULOUSNESS. YOU MAY WONDER HOW IT EVEN POSSIBLE SHOW ON-THE-NOSE SCENE ABOUT BOND FUCKING TO DEATH AND IT SOMEHOW NOT BE CARTOONY, BUT THAT THE SECRET DIFFICULTY OF DOING A BOND MOVIE. AND IT SPEAK TO WEIRD NATURE OF “TONE.” FILMMAKING, ESPECIALLY THE BIG STUFF, ACTUALLY A REMARKABLY SUBTLE THING. THE LINES BETWEEN INSIDIOUS, BROAD, SUBTLE, AND OBVIOUS OFTEN RATHER SMALL. AND IT THE DIRECTORS JOB BE IN CONTROL OF IT. AND HULK THINK TERENCE YOUNG KNOW STRADDLE THOSE LINES PERFECTLY. OTHERS MAKE THE MISTAKE GOING TOO TONGUE+CHEEK, OR TOO GRIM, OR TOO CURRENT. THUNDERBALL, MEANWHILE, STRIKE HULK JUST RIGHT.

YET EVEN IF HULK LOVE THE TONE OF FILM, THERE STILL NOT TOO MUCH ESPECIALLY DISTINCT ABOUT IT. AND HULK ACKNOWLEDGE TANGIBLE THINGS OFTEN WHAT THE AUDIENCE POINT TO FOR “BAD” OR “GOOD.” RARELY IF EVER TONE… SO HULK SUPPOSE THE FILM REALLY USE THE CARIBBEAN LOCATION TO MAXIMUM EFFECTIVENESS. WHICH GOOD CONSIDERING IT STAY CENTRALLY LOCATED THERE FOR MOST OF MOVIE.

PICTURED: MAXIMUM EFFECTIVENESS

THE FINAL ACTION SEQUENCE OF ALL THE SCUBA DIVERS HAVING HARPOON BATTLE OVER THE NUKES ONLY IMPROVE WITH MORE ONE KNOW ABOUT FILMMAKING. SHOOTING SOMETHING THAT LONG AND THAT COMPLICATED UNDERWATER MUST BEEN ABSOLUTE HELL. AND THE RESULTS HOLD UP REMARKABLY WELL. PRECISELY BECAUSE IT THE EXACT KIND OF FILMMAKING THAT ALL THE CGI IN THE WORLD CAN NO REPLICATE. IT THIS SAME REASON CAR CHASES FROM THIS ERA HOLD UP WELL TOO… NOBODY BOTHER TAKE THE TROUBLE ANYMORE.

HMMM. WHAT ELSE… REALLY IT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS IN THIS MOVIE, BUT HULK GET TO THAT LATER IN PROPER SECTION.

ANYTHING ELSE? OH YEAH, THUNDERBALL BEGIN THE LONGSTANDING BOND TRADITION OF BRINGING IN HUGE STAR TO DO TERRIBLE THEME SONG. AND YES, TOM JONES’ THUNDERBALL SONG ABSOLUTELY SUCKED.

SORRY TOM

(UPDATE: HULK READER PHIL PRESENT THIS LITTLE BIT ALTERNATIVE HISTORY. ENJOY JOHNNY CASH’S SUBMISSION FOR THUNDERBALL THEME SONG)

BEST MOMENT: THE JETPACK? THE POOL-BOUND SHARK ATTACK? THE ENDING HARPOON SEQUENCE?

LETS FACE IT. IT JAMES BOND PUNCHING A WIDOW IN THE FACE:

PLEASE GO TO 1:32…  (CAN’T IMBED) http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3hsb4_thunderball-pretitle-sequence_shortfilms

HAVE YOU WATCHED YET?

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?

THUNDERBALL DEFINITELY ONE OF ALL-STAR OUTINGS FOR BOND GIRLS.

1. CLAUDINE AUGER AS “DOMINO” – LIKE MOST BOND GIRLS, AUGER VERY PRETTY, BUT SHE ALSO PRETTY IN WAY THAT HULK FIND PRETTY… SO THERE. HER CHARACTER = THE HONEY RIDER ARCHETYPE, ONLY SOMEHOW EVEN MORE OF A DOE-EYED INNOCENT WHOSE PERSONAL TRAGEDY CAUGHT UP IN THE MAIN GAME OF PLOT. LITTLE SHE KNOW HER BROTHER KILLED IN SCHEME CONDUCTED BY LARGO. WAIT WAS LARGO HER UNCLE? HULK FORGET EXACTLY HOW LARGO RELATED TO HER. MAYBE SHE HIS BOYFRIEND? HULK DON’T REMEMBER. WAIT NO. SHE HIS MISTRESS AND HULK NOW REMEMBERING ALL THESE PARTS WHERE HE NO GIVE HER LOVING AND STUFF CAUSE HE TOO BUSY BEING OLD MAN AND DEALING WITH SPECTER STUFF. YEAH THAT SOUND ABOUT RIGHT. ANYCRAP, THE THING HULK LIKE ABOUT DOMINO THAT THERE THERE ACTUAL HUMAN GENTLENESS TO HER. AS IN SHE ACTUALLY SEEM LIKE INNOCENT PERSON CAUGHT UP IN ALL THE MASSIVE NUCLEAR HIJACKING CRAZINESS. SHE NOT JUST SOME CARDBOARD CUTOUT DESPITE BEST EFFORTS OF SCRIPT NOT TO GIVE HER PERSONALITY.

IN TRUTH, MOST BOND GIRLS LEFT UP TO THEIR OWN DEVICES. THEY PRESENTED WITH MOST BASIC OF ROLES AND THEIR NATURAL PERSONALITY OR RELATIVE LOOK/ATTRACTIVENESS END DOING ALL THE WORK. IT JUST HOW THESE THINGS GO. WAITING FOR A BOND WRITER TO UNDERSTAND HOW WRITE WOMEN SEEM FUTILE (WHY NOT HIRE A WOMAN?). AND AT SAME TIME THE SCRIPT DESERVE CREDIT FOR NOT MAKING HER VAPID ENOUGH TO JUST THROW HERSELF WILLINGLY AT BOND FROM GET GO. THAT WAY SHE NOT CONSTANTLY AT HIS MERCY TO BE GUIDED AROUND AIMLESSLY LIKE HELPLESS VICTIM. SURE, SHE NOT HAVE LOT TO DO, BUT THERE SIMPLE VALUE TO RECOGNIZING THAT AT LEAST THEY NO MAKER HER PLAIN AWFUL.

MOVING ON…

2. LUCIANA PALUZZI AS FIONA VULPE -MEET THE FIRST IN LONG LIST OF BADASS BOND GIRL ENEMIES (PUSSY GALORE IN GOLDFINGER NOT REALLY COUNT. SHE JUST SORT OF FLY PLANES AND THAT IT). FIONA VULPE = THE FIERY RED-HAIRED VOLUPTUOUS ASSASSIN WHO WEAR FULL LEATHER SPANDEX AND RIDE AROUND ON MOTORCYCLE ARMED WITH MACHINE GUNS… YEAH IT LIKE 13 YEAR OLD BOY’S BRAIN EXPLOSION.

VROOM VROOM!

BUT REMEMBER, HULK LIKE WHEN BOND MOVIES UPFRONT ABOUT THIS STUFF WITHOUT GOING OVER EDGE. AND TERENCE YOUNG SOMEHOW KNOW HOW MAKE HER CHARACTER NOT COME OFF LIKE CARTOON (MOSTLY CAUSE SHE GET THE GREAT MANTIS-LIKE OPENING). PLUS SHE ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD IN ROLE. PALUZZI ALL SWAGGER AND DEADPAN GLARES OF VENOM. HER SCENE WHERE SHE DANCE WITH BOND WHILE TRYING KILL HIM GREAT… IT JUST SHAME HER TENURE CUT SHORT SO LAMELY.

3. THERE ALSO MARTINE BESWICK AS PAULA, THE FELLOW MI6 AGENT – SERIOUSLY, WHAT UP WITH THE GIRLS BOND WORK WITH? IT THIS ODD REOCCURRING PART OF SERIES WHERE BOND JUST HAVE NO INTEREST IN BEDDING THEM. IT CERTAINLY NOT CAUSE HE PROFESSIONAL. HULK MEAN, THE SCENE WHERE HE LEAVE PAULA TO GO ON DOMINO’S BOAT = HILARIOUS. WHAT GIVE?

OFF SET THOUGH... GULP

MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: DEAR LORDY. IT EASILY IN FIRST ACT WHEN BOND USE THE SPINAL TRACTION MALFUNCTION PROBLEM TO GUILT-TRIP THE NURSE INTO DOING HIM. SHE CLEARLY WANT NO PART OF IT AND THIS TOTALLY FREAKING SEXUAL ASSAULT NOWADAYS, ATTEMPTED BLACKMAIL TO BOOT! BUT IN BONDS 60’S? HAVE AT IT BOY-YO! OH, AND IN TYPICAL BOND FASHION THE FRIGHTENED, MANIPULATED NURSE NOW FULLY SATED AFTER GETTING THE GIFT OF BOND PENIS… THEN HE PROMPTLY LEAVE HER OF COURSE.

SUPPORTING CAST: ADOLFO CELI HAVE KIND OF THIS IMPOSING, BUT BLAND PRESENCE AS LARGO. HE NOT AS LAMELY INEFFECTUAL AS GOLDFINGER, BUT THERE STILL KIND OF THIS WEIRD LACK OF DISTINCTION TO HIM. HULK MOSTLY REMEMBER THE EYEPATCH, BUT HULK ALSO REMEMBER HIS TIME-HONORED BOND-VILLAIN TRADITION OF LOVING SHARKS. THOSE DEVICES REALLY DO MOST OF THE VILLAINY HEAVY LIFTING.

HE WILL APPARENTLY GRUMPY YOU TO DEATH THOUGH

SIGH… ANOTHER BOND MOVIE, ANOTHER FORGETTABLE FELIX LEITER. THIS SERIES GO THROUGH FELIX’S LIKE DARRENS. AND THIS TIME IT RIK VAN NUTTER. HULK TRULY HAVE NO MEMORY EVEN SEEING HIS FACE.

APPARENTLY IT LOOK LIKE THIS

ALSO, HULK COMPLETELY FORGET WHAT MONEYPENNY LIKE IN THIS ONE… CHANCES ARE SHE THE SAME.

SPINSTER!

DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: FOUR HULK SMASHES OUT OF FIVE.

BETTY’S TAKE: “This is the one where he was in shorts for, like, half the running time right? Yeah that was my favorite one.”

HULK’S MOVIE WEEKEND: THE TREE OF LIFE AND KUNG FU PANDA 2

HULK ASK YOU CONSIDER FOR MOMENT THE NATURE OF MOVIE GOING EXPERIENCE.

YOU SHOW UP. YOU SIT IN BIG DARK ROOM WITH STRANGERS. AND YOU EXPERIENCE SOMETHING TOGETHER.  NO, IT NOT REALLY ABOUT THE GIANT SCREEN OR THE 100 SPEAKERS LINING WALLS. BESIDES, AT THIS POINT PEOPLE CAN SOMEWHAT REPLICATE THE TECHNOLOGY OF THEATER EXPERIENCE AT HOME (SOMEWHAT). SO WHY GO?

HULK POINT OUT THIS PHRASE AGAIN: “AND YOU EXPERIENCE SOMETHING TOGETHER.”

NO. CAN’T BE, RIGHT? “PEOPLE SUCK! ESPECIALLY IN A THEATER!” SO WHY WE ALL STILL GO?

MAYBE YOU CAN ARGUE IT JUST A COINCIDENCE BECAUSE IT ONLY WAY SEE NEW MOVIES. BUT LIKELY YOU THERE WITH PEOPLE WHO THERE FOR SAME REASON. AND MAYBE IT NOT LIKE YOU JUST ALL STUCK TOGETHER. MAYBE YOU ALL WANT SAME THING FROM THE MOVIE. TO ENJOY IT FOR ONE. AND IN THAT SPIRIT THOSE SAME PEOPLE CAN SHARE AND TALK ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE AND HOW IT PLAY TO WHAT THEY WANT OR EXPECTED…. MAYBE.

OR MAYBE YOU ARGUE YOU CAN NO STAND THE MOVIE THEATER WITH ALL THOSE ANNOYING PATRONS, PLAYING ON IPHONES AND TALKING DURING MOVIE. AFTER ALL, THEY JUST BECOME SO MUCH WORSE THIS DAY+AGE, RIGHT? HULK HATE BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT PEOPLE BEEN ACTING THE SAME WAY IN MOVIE THEATERS FOR LONG, LONG TIME. PEOPLE ALWAYS BEEN PRONE TO OBNOXIOUSNESS AND THE BRIGHT IPHONE SCREEN JUST NEW DISTRACTION ON LONG, LONG LIST.

AND QUITE FRANKILY ,THE ANNOYING PEOPLE JUST PART OF IT.

MOVIE-GOING, THE WHOLE LOT OF IT: THE CRAZY MIDNIGHT SHOWS, THE FIRST-WEEKEND CROWDS, THE POPCORN, THE WAIT, THE ANTICIPATION, THE ANNOYING PEOPLE ON CELLPHONES, THE LAUGHTER, THE SCREAMING, THE…

… THE PALPABLE ENERGY.

YEAH, THAT THE TICKET. THE ENERGY. WHEN YOU SIT CROWDED THEATER THERE DEFINITELY SOMETHING HAPPENING IN ROOM. IT NOT LIKE THE FEELING ON COUCH, WHERE ANY OLD THING CAN HAPPEN ON SCREEN AND IT JUST SORT OF PASS BY YOU BY. NO. IN THE MOVIES THERE AN ELECTRIC FEELING OF A GROUP EXPERIENCING THE SAME THING.  A HEIGHTENED SENSE OF REACTION NO POSSIBLE BY YOUR LONESOME.

THAT THE POWER OF THE THEATER EXPERIENCE. THAT WHY WE GO TO THEM. THAT WHY HULK LOVE THEM.

AND HULK HAD VERY GOOD WEEKEND AT THE MOVIES.

THE TREE OF LIFE

THE WORLD JUST RECEIVE GIFT OF TERRENCE MALICK’S 5TH FEATURE FILM. SUCH THINGS NOT BE TAKEN WITH AMBIVALENCE. NOW, HULK WILL NO TELL YOU THAT THEY SOMETHING THAT HAVE BE CHERISHED OR COMMENDED OR UNIVERSALLY ADORED… NOTHING OF SORT. MALICK FILMS SHOULD JUST BE APPRECIATE IN SAME WAY ANY RARE THING SHOULD. NOT JUST IN THE SENSE THAT THE FILMMAKER HAVE SUCH LITTLE OUTPUT OVER THE DECADES, BUT ALSO BECAUSE OF VERY NATURE OF HIS FILMS. THE IMPOSSIBLY DELICATE THINGS. ORNATE. EXPANSIVE. WONDROUS. BOLD. REGARDLESS OF PERCEIVED QUALITY, THE KIND FILMS MALICK MAKE JUST SO IMPOSSIBLY RARE AND ANTIQUATED. THEY REMIND HULK OF SOMETHING OUT OF VERSAILLES, SUCH AS ONE THOSE GOLD ENCRUSTED FRAMES AROUND A BEAUTIFULLY-PAINTED LANDSCAPE.

IF YOU EVER SEEN MALICK FILM YOU KNOW WHAT HULK TALKING ABOUT. AFTER ALL, IF HULK BEING HONEST, THERE WAY IN WHICH THEY ALL REALLY THE SAME THING: INSERT SHOTS OF NATURE, POETIC VOICE OVER, COMPLETE SILENCES, BIBLICAL THEMES, THE FALL OF EDEN, HAUNTING BEAUTY, DEATH, LIFE, BIG PONDEROUS EXISTENTIAL QUESTIONS. THEMATICALLY THEY ALL THE SAME (WONDERFUL) STUFF. AND FORMALLY, MALICK BEEN HEADING IN DIRECTION OF THE TREE OF LIFE HIS WHOLE CAREER. THIS NOT TO IMPLY IT HIS MASTERPIECE, JUST THAT WITH EACH SUCCESSIVE FILM, NARRATIVE BEEN STRIPPED AWAY IN FAVOR OF SUBLIMATING ALL THE THEMES HULK MENTION ABOVE INTO ONE SINGULAR-FLOWING-CINEMATIC-EXPERIENCE. WHAT BETTER WAY CONVEY WHAT AMOUNT TO A LONG POEM WITH IMAGES THAT CONCERN A LIFE REMEMBERED AND THE DAWN AND DUSK OF THE UNIVERSE.

HULK KNOW. THERE EITHER PART OF YOU THAT INTERESTED IN THIS BIG HEADY STUFF OR THERE CYNIC IN YOU THAT SORT OF ROLL EYES. NEITHER PART OF YOU RIGHT MIND YOU. AND HULK NOT REALLY GOING GET INTO MEDITATION ON THE UNIVERSE (THE FILM DO IT MUCH BETTER), BUT THE FILM OFFER NOT EXACTLY A COSMIC EXPERIENCE, BUT WHAT HULK CALL A COSMIC WINDOW INTO THAT SORT OF THING. IT UP TO YOU WHAT KIND OF EXPERIENCE YOU WANT MAKE IT.

WHAT WAS HULK’S EXPERIENCE?

HMMMM. HARD SAY. HULK JUST LITTLE BIT REMOVED FROM THE FILM IN WAY HULK USUALLY NOT WITH MALICK. JUST LITTLE BIT THOUGH. HULK GO FULL-TILT DURING THE ENTIRE MIDDLE SEQUENCE FROM THE BIG BANG SPACE STUFF REALLY UNTIL THE FAMILY MOVE (THAT’S MOST THE MOVIE HULK REALIZE), BUT WITHOUT BETTER CONVEYANCE OF THE BOOKENDS (THE DEATH NEWS REACHING THE PARENTS + SEAN PENN REFLECTING AND THEN LATER THE BEACH “LETTING GO” BEACH SEQUENCE), THE FILM UNFORTUNATELY LEAVE HULK WITH KIND OF DISTANCE AND WISHY-WASHY NATURE THAT HULK THINK NOT WORK AS INTENDED. CAUSE LET FACE IT, MALICK’S FILMS ETHEREAL, BUT CERTAINLY NOT AMBIGUOUS. HULK UNDERSTAND THE REASON FOR THIS CHOICE OF COURSE, MAINLY TO PROMPT THE OLDER SEAN PENN CHARACTER TO REMEMBER HIS YOUNG LIFE, BUT HULK NOT REALLY SURE.

ALL THIS BEING SAID, IT REALLY, REALLY, REALLY STUPID TALK ABOUT MALICK FILM IN THESE TERMS. THEY GIFTS AFTER ALL. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY THEY NO REALLY WORK LIKE CONVENTIONAL FILMS. THERE MILLIONS OF TIMES THEY GO AGAINST LOGIC TO PRESENT SOMETHING FAR MORE TRANSCENDENT.  AND SOMETIMES THEY JUST SCRATCH AT SURFACE OF TRANSCENDENCE, BUT THAT WHAT MAKE THEM MALICK FILMS. THEY’RE DIFFERENT.

HULK ALWAYS FIND IT INTERESTING HOW EVERYONE HAVE DIFFERENT ONE OF HIS FILMS THEY LIKE BEST, OR THINK “WORKS BEST.” EVEN HULK. THEY ALL GORGEOUS, THAT UNDENIABLE. BUT THE MORE NARRATIVE-DRIVEN WATCHERS LOVE BADLANDS WITH THE LITERAL TAKE OF TWO KILLERS ON THE RUN PLAYING SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON. AND CERTAIN FOLKS PICK THE WONDROUS DAYS OF HEAVEN, AN ENTIRE MOVIE FILMED AT MAGIC HOUR (THE HOUR JUST AFTER THE SUN GOES DOWN OR JUST BEFORE THE SUN COMES UP). STILL, OTHERS OPT FOR THE THIN RED LINE, WITH THE IDEALIC ABILITY TO BRING MALICK’S POETRY TO WAR TIME (A PERFECT SETTING FOR HIS WORK). HULK ODDLY ENOUGH FELT LIKE THE NEW WORLD THE FILM WHERE HE FIND PERFECT BALANCE BETWEEN ARCHETYPAL CLASSIC STORY AND THE TELLING OF THAT RELATE-ABLE STORY MOSTLY THROUGH STREAMING IMAGERY.

AND NOW MAYBE THE TREE OF LIFE GO TOO FAR? NOT REALLY. IT NOT THE STYLE. HONESTLY PEOPLE ACT LIKE THE FILM SOME NEW THING, BUT THE NEW WORLD JUST AS CINEMATICALLY DRIVEN. SO WHAT THEN? HULK GONNA ADDRESS A LITTLE NAGGING PROBLEM: THE TREE OF LIFE THIS BIG BEAUTIFUL FILM ABOUT THE NATURE OF LIFE AND YET IT PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY WHAT HULK EXPECTED… THAT NOT THE WEIRDEST THING EVER? HULK DEFINITELY MOVED IN EMOTIONAL SENSE WHILE WATCHING, BUT NOT MOVED IN LARGER CONSCIOUSNESS SENSE… HONESTLY HULK FEEL LIKE THERE BEEN SOME DR. WHO EPISODES THAT GOT INTO COSMIC POETRY WITH MORE ACUTENESS AND IMPACT…. PERHAPS IT HAVE SOMETHING DO WITH HULK’S DIFFERING TAKE ON SPIRITUALITY? BUT HULK NO THINK SO… JUST A COMPLETELY UNFORMED THOUGHT HULK THOUGHT WOULD THROW OUT THERE AND SEE WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT… FEEL FREE COMMENT BELOW. ANYCRAP.

THE TRUTH THAT THERE NO REAL VERSION OF THE “PERFECT” MALICK FILM. THERE JUST WHAT WE LIKE. WHAT WE VALUE IN FILMS. IT THERE FOR US TO REFLECT IN. TO VIEW THROUGH. THAT WHY HULK CALL IT A WINDOW AND NOT AN EXPERIENCE.

AND MALICK? HE ON HIS OWN JOURNEY. WE JUST LUCKY WE GET PEEK INTO IT.

HONESTLY, HULK REALLY NOT SURE WHY THE BEAN COUNTERS KEEP LETTING THESE MOVIES SLIP PAST. SERIOUSLY, THEY NO GREENLIGHT ANYTHING UNLESS THERE CHANCE OF IT MAKING MONEY AND HULK CAN ASSURE YOU THERE PRETTY MUCH NO SHOT FOR HIS FILMS MAKE MONEY. NOT THIS DAY IN AGE. HULK DUNNO IF THERE ENOUGH PEOPLE TO SCROUNGE UP THE 30 MILLION BUCKS THAT THESE THINGS COST. PERHAPS IT THE LAST NOBLE ACTS OF STUDIO HEADS TRYING TO RECOGNIZE THE WAY THINGS ONCE WERE.

BUT THIS GET BACK TO HULK’S INTRO. SEE, HULK SAT IN A SOLD OUT SHOW FOR FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE TREE OF LIFE. YUP. PEOPLE WERE DOWNRIGHT EXCITED TO SEE THE CINEMATIC POEM. MAYBE THE KICKASS TRAILER GOT THEM, MAYBE THEY FILM STUDENTS, WHO KNOW. BUT THEY CAME. THEY SAT. THEY WATCHED THE SCREEN. AND MALICK’S FILM HAVE MOMENTS OF SILENCE. NOT FAKE AMBIENT SILENCE. BUT REAL, TOTAL, COMPLETE SILENCE…. AND THERE THE AUDIENCE SAT, COMPLETELY QUIET. NO ONE DARE MAKE A SOUND. IMAGES OF THE COSMOS DANCED ON SCREEN.

THEY ALL EXPERIENCED SOMETHING REMARKABLE THERE IN THE SILENT DARK.

IT WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE IF THEY NOT ALL TOGETHER.

IN A MOVIE THEATER.

… WHICH BRING HULK TO KUNG FU PANDA 2.

AFTER THE HEADY CINNEMATIC PONDERINGS OF MALICK, THE NEXT NIGHT HULK IN MOOD FOR GOOD OLD FASHIONED POPCORN MOVIE. NOW IF THIS MAKE IT SOUND LIKE HULK SOME SORT OF CRETIN THEN HULK SCOFF! THAT NOT TRUE IN SLIGHTEST. THIS NOT INANE ARGUMENT OF WANTING “TURN BRAIN OFF.” HULK JUST WANTED SOMETHING ON OTHER END OF CINEMATIC SPECTRUM. THE WELL-CRAFTED FORGOTTEN STYLINGS OF HOLLYWOOD. THAT KNOW HOW TO TELL STORY TO TRUE-WIDE RANGING AUDIENCE AND ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT DO WITH THE GIFT OF A BIG BUDGET.

AND LUCKILY, HULK MOSTLY GOT IT.

IN HONOR OF DREAMWORKS INITIAL RUN AS NOTHING MORE THAN SCARTTERBRAINED NONSENSE FED SPOONFUL-STYLEM HULK PRESENT HULK’S BULLET-POINT THOUGHTS ON KUNG FU PANDA 2:

-HULK HOPE THIS PERIOD OF DREAMWORKS NONSENSE OVER. THE FIRST KUNG FU PANDA = MAJOR STEP FOR THEM IN THAT THEY ACTUALLY SEEM GIVE FUCK ABOUT STORYTELLING. BETTER YET, THEY MADE A REAL, TRUE KUNG FU FILM. AND HULK HAVE ADMIT THAT HULK ONCE HAVE HUGE KUNG FU MOVIE PERIOD SO LET JUST SAY THERE MORE THAN SOFT SPOT. NOW IT NOT SO OVERPOWERING THAT HULK FALL HEAD-OVER-HEALS IN LOVE WITH MOVIE OR ANYTHING, JUST THAT HULK ENJOY IT GREAT DEAL AND IT VERY WELL-MADE.

-AND THEN WITH HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON DREAMWORKS TAKE EVEN BETTER STEP, SOMETHING THAT COULD NO JUST BE PAWNED OFF ON GENRE-FILM LUCK, AND PRODUCED ACTUAL WELL-REALIZED MOVIE GOODNESS. AND WHILE KUNG FU PANDA 2 NO DRAMATIC STEP FORWARD ON PAR WITH DRAGON, IT AT LEAST SENSIBLE ENOUGH TO CONTINUE TRADITION OF FIRST FILM AND EMBRACE THE BARE AMOUNT OF NEW QUALITIES THAT NOT MAKE IT RETREAD BUT PERHAPS ACTUAL STEP IN LONGER JOURNEY.  HOORAY!

-SURE, THE PLOT OF THIS FILM PAINT BY NUMBERS. YOU SEEN IT MILLION TIMES BEFORE. BUT IT STILL PAINTED WELL. AND THAT TOTALLY OKAY. PO’S QUEST FOR ORIGIN AND THE NEW VILLAIN’S MOTIVE (COMPLETE WITH HISTORY TYING RIGHT INTO PO’S ORIGIN) = THE EXACT DIRECTION TO TAKE SERIES. IT THE BIGGEST HURDLE AND THEY MADE IT. HOORAY!

-SO THE FIRST PROBLEM WITH KUNG FU PANDA 2 THAT MUCH OF WHAT MAKE THE FIRST MOVIE GOOD COME FROM ALL THE INSANE EFFORT TO MAKE IT LEGITIMATELY GOOD KUNG FU FILM. IT TRY PROVE IT IN EVERY FRAME, NUANCE, AND DETAIL. CONCEPTUALLY, THIS SEQUEL SEEM WORK ON THE GIVEN THAT “KUNG FU IS AWESOME!” WHICH A) TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE CAUSE THIS SEQUEL AND ALREADY ESTABLISHED BUT B) STILL HOLDS FILM BACK FROM TRUE POTENTIAL. THE AWESOMENESS OF KUNG FU NO JUST BE ASSUMED! CAUSE ULTIMATELY THERE REALLY NOTHING QUITE LIKE THE FIGHT SEQUENCES FROM FIRST FILM, SPECIFICALLY THE AMAZING WOODEN-ROPE-BRIDGE SEQUENCE. COME TO THINK ABOUT IT, MOST OF BEST SEQUENCES IN KFP2 PLAYED FOR LAUGHS (IE, THE CART IN THE CITY). THE NEW TONE PERHAPS TAKE AWAY THE STAKES… HMMMM….

-BUT NOW THE MAIN PROBLEM OF KFP2, THERE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS WITH ACTUAL MOTIVATIONS IN THIS MOVIE. HULK FEEL DUMB GETTING INTO STORYTELLING 101, BUT IT IMPORTANT AND SOMETIMES FUN TO GET INTO THIS STUFF SO WHY NOT?

1) SO, PRETTY MUCH EVERY CHARACTER IN ANY MOVIE WHO ACTUALLY TALK SHOULD HAVE SOME KIND MOTIVATION. IT CAN BE REAL SIMPLE, BUT IT HAVE BE CLEAR. OTHERWISE, THEIR WORDS THEY SAY JUST PERFUNCTORY. IT CREATE NOT JUST A CHARACTER’S STORY, BUT A WORLD OF STORIES THAT MAKE THE MAIN CHARACTERS FEEL ALL MORE REAL. LIKE THIS NOT JUST SERIES OF COGS FORWARDING PLOT (COUGH STAR WARS PREQUELS COUGH). MOVING ON:

2) SO WHEN LOOK AT ORIGINAL KUNG FU PANDA FILM THERE LOT OF DIFFERENT CHARACTERS WITH MOTIVATIONS. THERE PO WHO DREAM OF KUNG FU MASTERY AND HAVE SERIOUS BODILY LIMITATIONS. THERE PO’S ADOPTIVE FATHER WHO WANT HIM BE SAFE AND EMBRACE FAMILY BUSINESS. MASTER OOGWAY WHO SEE THE LIGHT IN PO AND KNOW HE DRAGON WARRIOR DESPITE EVERYONE’S DOUBTS AND HIS OWN OLD AGE.  TIGRESS, THE PERFECT STUDENT WHO NOW FURIOUS SHE NOT DRAGON WARRIOR AND THEREFOR RESENT PO. TAI LUNG, A VILLAIN WHO WANT SAME POWER OF DRAGON WARRIOR AND ONCE TRAINED IN TIGRESS’S PLACE. AND AT CENTER OF ALL, MASTER SHIFU , WHO NOW DOUBT HIS MASTER OOGWAY, HAVE NO INTEREST IN TRAINING PO, HAS FAILED HIS FIRST APPRENTICE TAI LUNG AND FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR TURNING HIM EVIL, AND AS RESULT PUSH TOO HARD ON TIGRESS AND WITHOLD EMOTION FROM HER. BEST YET, THE JOURNEYS OF ALL THESE CHARACTERS MESH TOGETHER INTO SINGULAR PLOT.

3) HULK FEEL SORT OF WEIRD POINTING TO ORIGINAL KUNG FU PANDA AS “GREAT WRITING” BUT IT SURE AIN’T BAD. THIS THE KIND OF STUFF HOLLYWOOD SUPPOSED TO DO IN SLEEP. RECOGNIZABLE WELL-CRAFTED STORIES WITH CHARACTERS INVESTED IN THEIR ACTIONS.

4) KUNG FU PANDA 2 MEANWHILE JUST WORK CENTRALLY WITH PO’S IDENTITY CRISIS AND THE NEWLY INTRODUCED MAIN VILLAIN WHO ESSENTIALLY CHALLENGING FATE AND BATTLING PRIDE. THESE THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT CHOICES FOR THE STORY, BUT THE PROBLEM WHAT AROUND THEM. ASIDE FROM MORE EMOTIONAL BEATS WITH PO’S ADOPTIVE FATHER, WHICH REALLY WELL-DONE BUT ADMITTEDLY JUST A RECYCLING FROM FIRST MOVIE, THERE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE HAPPENING IN TERMS CHARACTER WITH ANYONE ELSE. SURE THERE LOTS PEOPLE DOING STUFF. BUT THE ONES HULK JUST MENTIONED REALLY THE ONLY PEOPLE DOING STUFF FOR TANGIBLE REASONS. AND WORSE, THE TANGIBLE REASONS LOT MORE ONE NOTE THEN THE ORIGINAL FILM SO THEY EVEN HARDER RELY ON IF ALONE.

5) AND HERE YOU AND HULK FIND OURSELVES IN YET ANOTHER FILM WITH ALL BEST INTENTIONS, GREAT FRAMEWORK FOR STORY, AND ALL TOOLS AT DISPOSAL AND THEY NOT PUT IT ALL TOGETHER… JUST CAUSE FORGOT STORYTELLING 101  AND THAT EVERY CHARACTER SHOULD HAVE MOTIVATIONS, NOT JUST THE MAIN ONE. THEY NO EVEN NEED BIG STORY. JUST MOTIVATIONS. SECONDARY CHARACTERS NOT JUST TOOLS TO ORBIT AND CONFIGURE AROUND MAIN CHARACTER TO MAKE THEM REALIZE AND DO STUFF.

6) AND HONESTLY THAT THE REASON A LOT PEOPLE FEEL KUNG-FU PANDA 2 WORSE THAN FIRST FILM. IT NOT REALLY TRUE IN TERMS OF BEING WORSE EXECUTED OR WHAT ACTUALLY THERE SUCKING. IT ABOUT WHAT MISSING. IT JUST HAVE SCRIPT THAT NOT GIVE THE OTHER CHARACTERS AS MUCH DO… THAT IT… BUT THAT MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE. END STORYTELLING 101 DISCUSSION SEQUENCE!

-HULK ALSO WANT POINT OUT THAT THESE KUNG FU PANDA MOVIES BEAUTIFULLY DESIGNED AND REALIZED. THE ALL PART OF THAT MAJOR STEP THING FOR DREAMWORKS IN THAT THEY ACTUALLY SEEM GIVE FUCK ABOUT THE ART DIRECTION NOW TOO. THE FILM MAKE REALLY NICE TRANSITION WITH THE CITY-SCAPE AND DARK REDS AND BLUES IT USE. THE MOVIE FEEL DIFFERENT AND DARKER (BUT NOT IN LABOROUS, OBVIOUS SENSE). DEFINITELY BE COMMENDED.

-MICHELLE YEOH GREAT AS THE LADY GOAT.

-THE SCENE BETWEEN PO AND HIS ADOPTIVE FATHER SURPRISINGLY AFFECTING. THIS HULK’S WAY ADMITTING HULK CRIED A BIT… AT KUNG FU PANDA 2... YES THIS HAPPENED… HULK KNOW YOU PICTURING IT RIGHT NOW. STOP IT.

-AND LASTLY, PANDAS =FUCKING ADORABLE.

AND NOW THE PART WHERE IT ALL COME BACK TOGETHER TO SHOWCASE HULK HAD PLAN FOR THESE RAMBLINGS AND NO JUST WASTING YOUR TIME… WELL NO WASTING YOUR TIME AS MUCH…

HULK LOVE SEE MOVIES WITH PEOPLE. HULK LOVED SEE THE TREE OF LIFE WITH SILENT AUDIENCE STARING IN AWE UP ON SCREEN. HULK LOVED WATCHING KUNG FU PANDA 2 WITH FULL AUDIENCE CLAPPING AND LAUGHING. EVEN THE ANNOYING LITTLE GIRL WHO WOULD NO SHUT UP IN THE OPENING SCENES BY END MOVIE WAS GASPING AND REACTING TO EVERY LITTLE THING PO DID ON SCREEN.

SEE, SHE PART OF IT TOO.

WHEN YOU EXPERIENCE SOMETHING WITH GROUP IT BECOME TRANSFORMATIVE. THIS NOT SAY CAN NO HAVE THAT EXPERIENCE ON OWN. BUT IN GROUP, IT SOMETHING ELSE. CAN FIND THE QUIET AWE OR THE HOOTING EXCITEMENT. IT CAN CHANGE THE LITTLE ANNOYING GIRL WHO TALKS.

CINEMA = TRANSFORMATIVE.

REGARDLESS OF SEEING EXISTENTIAL LIFE POEMS OR KIDDIE KARATE MOVIE, WE EXPERIENCE THESE THINGS TOGETHER, WHATEVER THEY ARE.

… SO GO TO THE MOVIES MORE.

HULK PRESENTS: “IT’S NOT JUST WHO BUT WHEN” – RITA HAYWORTH (1941)

SOME YEARS AGO, HULK HAVING CONVERSATION WITH OLD FRIEND AND HULK ASK HIM, “WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN WORLD?” HIS RESPONSE WONDERFUL:

“IT NOT JUST WHO BUT WHEN…”

AT THAT MOMENT HULK FULLY REALIZE THE SIGNIFICANT IMPORTANCE OF TIMING WHEN COMES TO PERSONS IDENTITY. EVEN IF SOME STARDUST NEVER FADE, HULK WONDER WHAT = THE TRUE VALUE TO MEETING SOMEONE IN THEIR TWILIGHT YEARS, WHEN JUST A SHADOW OF THEIR FORMER SELF? OR BEFORE THEY FAMOUS, WHERE THE VALUE SEEMINGLY NOTHING MORE THAN KITSCH? OR EVEN DURING THE EPIC CREST (READ: NADIR?) OF THEIR POPULARITY, WHEN THEY PROBABLY THEIR MOST DISTANCED AND LOADED WITH AIR OF INVINCIBILITY?

NO… HULK BELIEVE THAT OFTEN THE IDEAL TIMING THAT CUSP WHERE THE STAR IGNITING. WHEN THE PERSON’S FAME EXCITING AND NEW, ESPECIALLY TO THEM. WHERE THEY OVERCOME WITH BOTH THE HUMILITY OF THAT RESPONSIBILITY AND POSSIBLY EVEN EMBARRASSED BY IT. SAY WHAT WILL, IT CERTAINLY WHEN THEY MOST THANKFUL. AND EVER SINCE THAT FIRST CONVERSATION, HULK ALWAYS TRY TO REITERATE WHEN COME TO ANY SUCH LIST…

“IT NOT JUST WHO BUT WHEN…”

NOW, AS WRINKLE, THIS ONGOING SERIES OF PORTRAITS ONLY DEAL WOMEN OF THE LAST 75 YEARS OR SO; ONES WHO HULK CONSIDER TO BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND ALLURING WOMEN IN THE WOLD (PRETTY MUCH ALL ACTRESSES). HULK WELL AWARE THAT THE INTERWEBS CAN QUICKLY DESCEND INTO A GAME OF “OMG, SHE HOT! LET’S OGLE HER!” (IT USUALLY NOT SAID THAT NICELY) AND THEN WE FIND OUR-HULK-SELVES SKIRTING INTO OBJECTIFYING AND ULTIMATELY EVEN EXPLOITATIVE TERRITORY.  PLEASE KNOW THAT THIS ANYTHING BUT HULK’S GOAL. HULK NOT WANT THIS SERIES BE VIEWED AS SEXIST IN SLIGHTEST. THE GOAL SIMPLY TO REFLECT ON MOMENTS ON TIME, GO OVER SOME FILM AND TELEVISION HISTORY, DISCUSS THE FLEETING NATURE OF FAME AND THE LASTING SENSE OF IMAGE, AND TO ENGAGE IN THE SUBJECT OF SEXUALITY IN FRANK TERMS, SPECIFICALLY IN TERMS OF MEDIA FORMS. 

AND YES MOST OF IT WILL BE  HULK SPEWING OUT ADORATION SO NO EXPECT MUCH STERILE CRITICISM, BUT THAT AT LEAST THE INTENTION IT COMING FROM.

“IT NOT JUST WHO BUT WHEN…”

…SO OF COURSE IT STARTS WITH RITA HAYWORTH.

AND HOW COULD IT NOT? MAYBE THERE JUST SOMETHING SO INHERENTLY WONDERFUL ABOUT GOLDEN AGE MOVIE STARS. THEY POSSESS SOME KIND OF MAGICAL SHINE THAT COME WITH THE DISTANCE AND MYSTERY OF BEING STAR IN THAT ERA. BUT RITA HAYWORTH NOT JUST ANOTHER MOVIE STAR. SHE WIDELY-CONSIDERED  BE IN THE TOP FIVE STAR OF THE CLASSIC ERA, BUT SHE FAR AND AWAY HULK’S VOTE FOR MOST BEAUTIFUL AND DISTINCTIVE. SHE NO REALLY HAVE THE CHOPS OF THE OTHERS, BUT HER LOOK SIMPLY TRANSCENDENT+ AHEAD OF ITS TIME. BY HER THIRD MAJOR FILM SHE LEARN HOW HONE HER NATURAL PERSONALITY AND TRANSLATE IT TO HER PERFORMANCE, MUCH LIKE MARILYN WOULD DO LATER ON. THE KEY DIFFERENCE BEING THAT RITA’S SCREEN PRESENCE = EFFORTLESS. RITA PROJECTED THREE DIMENSIONS AND GLIDED ABOUT THE SCREEN WITH GUILE, WHERE MARILYN MORE SEEMED TO STOMP ABOUT, HIT HER MARKS, AND POSE ACCORDINGLY.

IF HULK PUT IT BLUNTLY, RITA COULD BE WATCHED AND INTERACTED, BUT MARILYN COULD ONLY BE LOOKED AT.

PERHAPS RITA’S NATURAL PRESENCE HAD SOMETHING DO WITH HER EXTENSIVE BACKGROUND IN DANCE. ADMITTEDLY, I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE ILLUSTRIOUS-BALLET-CAREER-AT-THE-MET-KIND-OF-BACKGROUND, BUT MORE THE SMOKEY NIGHTCLUB SORT. SHE DID HAVE FORMAL TRAINING FROM YOUTH AND PROFESSIONAL LATIN DANCE TRAINING; SHE NEVER WORKED ANYWHERE SCANDALOUS MIND YOU, BUT SHE DID WORK IN THE SORT OF HIGH-END NIGHTCLUBS WHERE SOMEONE WITH HER TALENT AND BEAUTY COULD RISE TO PROMINENCE WITHOUT NECESSARILY HAVING TO ENGAGE IN THE MORE SORDID ENDS OF THAT WORLD (LIKE SO MANY OTHERS DID). AND SO, HAYWORTH = ONE OF THESE PROMISING YOUNG DANCERS THE SHOW UP IN A HOST OF BACKGROUND DANCING ROLES AND B MOVIES.

THE FIRST BIG BREAK FOR RITA= ONLY ANGELS HAVE WINGS (1939) BY HOWARD HAWKS. GOING BY THE LOGIC DISCUSSED IN THE ITALICIZED INTRO ABOVE YOU WOULD EXPECT THIS TO BE THE OPTIMUM MOMENT TO MEET HER, BUT HULK DISAGREE WITH A CAVEAT: SHE WAS NOT RITA HAYWORTH YET. SHE STILL TOO ROUGH AROUND EDGES. AND HULK NOT NECESSARILY TALKING ABOUT HER EYEBROWS, WHICH WERE NO SHAPED INTO THEIR DEFINING ICONIC STATUS YET, CAUSE THAT WOULD BE… SHALLOW? BUT POINT =  SHE REALLY NO LOOK LIKE OR ACT LIKE “RITA” YET. SHE JUST NEEDED LITTLE MORE OPPORTUNITY TO SEASON HER ON SCREEN PERSONA. OF COURSE, HULK COULD ALSO GO WITH GILDA(1948) AND THAT OH-SO-FAMOUS HAIR FLIP WHICH HAS DEFINED HER FOR DECADES, BUT THAT IT NO THAT EITHER.

FOR HULK, THE ANSWER EASY FOR WHEN RITA REALLY BECOME RITA. SHE DANCER, RIGHT? SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PAIR HER WITH FRED ASTAIRE?

MISTY-EYED, SMASH-WORTHY MAGIC THAT WHAT.

THE DANCE-LADEN LEGACY OF RITA HAYWORTH ALWAYS SEEM GET FORGOT IN THE WAKE OF GILDA-HAIR-FLIP, BUT FOR HULK SHE NEVER MORE AMAZING THEN WHEN SHE WAS TEAM UP WITH ASTAIRE IN YOU’LL NEVER GET RICH (1941). THE MOVIE NOT ALL THAT PERFECT… BUT THEY ARE.

IN A WAY, THAT ALL THAT MATTERS WHEN GO BACK AND WATCH IT TODAY. IT ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITES. EVEN THOUGH ASTAIRE IS FAMOUSLY LINKED TO GINGER ROGERS AS HIS CENTRAL DANCE PARTNER, HE ALWAYS SPOKE MOST FONDLY OF NO JUST HAYWORTH, BUT HER INFLUENCE ON HIM. THEY WERE ABLE USE A LOT OF HER LATIN INFLUENCES AND THEY WOULD THEN GO ON TO MAKE YOU WERE NEVER LOVELIER (1942) TOGETHER AS THEIR LAST COLLABORATION. DON’T BELIEVE ME THAT THEY WERE AN AMAZING PAIRING?

CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO. IT GLAMOROUS. BEAUTIFUL. ELEGANT. ALL THAT GOOD STUFF.

PRETTY, BUT NOTHING SPECIAL?

OKAY NOW CHECK THIS ONE OUT AS IT ACTUALLY SHOWS OFF THEIR MOVES.

IF YOU DOUBTED HOW AWESOME RITA HAYWORTH WAS, HULK NOW ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY. YES, SHE JUST TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH FRED DURING A LOT OF THE FAST STUFF, BUT COME ON… HOW SHE NOT AMAZING?

WHEN HULK THINK OF FAVORITE CLASSIC FILM ACTRESSES, HULK THINK OF HER.

WHEN HULK THINK OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE HULK THINK OF HER.

HOW COULD HULK NOT START THIS SERIES WITH RITA HAYWORTH?

… OF COURSE LIKE MOST STARS OF THE ERA, THERE BEHIND THE SCENES TROUBLES. UPS AND DOWNS. HEAVY DRINKING. ALL THAT STUFF. HONESTLY, HULK NOT ALL THAT INTERESTED IN THAT PART OF THE STORY. TO HULK THERE MERELY WHAT ON SCREEN AND WHAT ON SCREEN THE STUFF THAT KNOCKS HULK OUT. NOTHING ELSE NEEDED. AS FAR AS ENDS GO, RITA ENDED UP SUFFERING FROM ALZHEIMER’S THE LAST 5 YEARS OF HER LIFE. UGH. HULK WATCHED GRANDMOTHER-HULK DIE FROM ALZHEIMER’S AND HULK CAN TELL YOU THAT THE VERY THOUGHT OF THIS IS TRAGIC…

… BECAUSE NO ONE SHOULD EVER FORGET RITA HAYWORTH.

3 CRITICS HULK THINK YOU SHOULD BE READING

SOMETIMES PEOPLE ASK, “HULK, WHICH FILM CRITICS YOU LIKE?”

NATURALLY, THERE MANY.  LIKE JUST ABOUT EVERYONE WHO LIKE MOVIE FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO IDOLIZE PAULINE KAEL. IN FACT, LITTLE HULK REMEMBER WHEN FIRST SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT WANTING BE INVOLVED IN MOVIES FOR REAL, MAMA HULK DUG OUT HER OLD COPIES OF NEW YORKER FROM ATTIC, SAT LITTLE HULK DOWN AND SAY “THEN READ THESE.” LIKEWISE, IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR LITTLE HULK TO IGNORE THE OMNIPRESENT SISKEL & EBERT, WHO BASICALLY DIAGRAM THE CONVERSATION OF FILM FOR MANY YOUNG CINEPHILES. ALSO, NOW-RETIRED BOSTON GLOBE CRITIC UNDOUBTEDLY SHAPE HULK’S EARLY SENSIBILITY (THIS PRE-INTERWEBS FOLKS. LOCAL NEWSPAPER CRITICS WERE DOMINANT VOICES). THEN THERE THE FILM SCHOOL YEARS WHERE HULK FINALLY GET THE GOOD STUFF: RAY CARNEY, THE OLD CAHIERS DU CINEMA STUFF, TARKOVSKY’S SCULPTING IN TIME, STOK’S KIESLOWSKI ON KIESLOWSKI, A WHOLE BUNCH AMAZING PROFESSORS, AND LOADS OTHERS ANALYSIS THAT GO FAR AND BEYOND WHAT HULK IMAGINE POSSIBLE.

TODAY, HULK WOULD TO POINT TO THE MUCH SOUGHT-AFTER ACCLAIMED MAINSTREAM VOICE, BUT THERE REALLY NOT SINGLE ONE. MAYBE EBERT, WHO UNDERWENT REMARKABLE LIFE + WRITING CHANGE POST-SURGERY. HE DOING SOME REALLY WONDERFUL THINGS, BUT THERE EQUALLY SOME WAYS HE OUT OF TOUCH WITH LOT OF GENRE STUFF SO IT MAKE HARD FOR HULK. AND ANTHONY LANE SEEMS GIVEN UP ON MOVIES IN FAVOR OF BEING BAD COMEDIAN (REALLY, HE READ LIKE PARODY OF THE NEW YORKER NOW). AS SUCH, THE CRITICAL SHIFT SEEM TURN TO THOSE WHO “BUILT” THE INTERNET (LIKE PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING ELSE). BUT IT STILL DIFFICULT SIFT THROUGH AND FIND VOICES THAT MATTER. SO IT LOGICAL THAT HULK WANT SHARE THE 3 STRONGEST CRITICS THAT HULK BEEN READING FOR YEARS.

ENJOY

(OH AND THIS NUMBERED AND EVERYTHING, BUT THEY IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

#1 – DREW MCWEENEY – HITFIX.COM

THE INTERNET AGE = THE AGE OF “THIS THING SUCKS.”(1)

YET, THERE PERHAPS NO ONE MORE REFRESHING IN TERMS OF GENUINE, DIGNIFIED OPTIMISM THAN DREW MCWEENEY. SOME MAY RECALL HOW HE SPENT FIRST INTERNET LIFE AS “MORIARTY” OVER AT AINT IT COOL NEWS. AND IN DOING SO, HE HELP SHAPE THE INTERNET’S MOVIE CRITICISM LANDSCAPE AS WE KNOW IT. WHERE AICN’S POSTERBOY/FOUNDER HARRY KNOWLES DISPLAYS FREQUENT HYPERBOLE-LADEN ENTHUSIASM THAT BORDER ON COMICAL (THOUGH TO BE FAIR, PRETTY EARNEST), DREW MCWEENEY ALWAYS = THE MORE CAREFUL, DISCURSIVE, AND HIGHER-MINDED COUNTERPART. THE BYPRODUCT WAS WONDERFUL INFLUENCE ON THE READERSHIP; A SEEMING “HOW TO” GUIDE FOR THE FANBOY AUDIENCE TO GROW UP AND HAVE MORE ADULT VOICE. AND IT EVEN MORE FUN SEEING TRANSITION INTO FULL-FLEDGED WRITER.

NOW OVER AT HITFIX, DREW CARVE OUT ON OWN PLACE FOR HIS OPEN-MINDED, YET STUNNINGLY WIDE-RANGING COVERAGE.  YES, HULK KEEP USING THIS “OPEN-MINDED” LANGUAGE IN DESCRIBING DREW, BUT IT JUST SO IMPORTANT. THE INTERNET CRITICS BIGGEST PROBLEM THAT THEY EITHER JUST WANT GUSH OVER SOMETHING THAT CONFIRM THEIR PRE-SET STANCE OR JUST WANTING TO SHIT ON PROPERTY THEY INCLINED NOT TO LIKE. AAAAAND SOME JUST RANT ON TOPICS THAT UPSET THEM IN BRUTAL FASHION.

BUT DREW SEEMINGLY NOT GO INTO ANY FILM SAYING “WHY SHOULD I DISMISS THIS?” BUT INSTEAD “WHAT CAN I TAKE AWAY FROM THIS?” HULK ARGUE IT HUGE DISTINCTION. IN AGE WHERE PEOPLE GO TO MOVIES LOOKING FOR RECONFIRMATION OF OWN VALUES/INTERESTS/DRUTHERS, DREW INSTEAD LOOK FOR THE VALUE IN EVERYTHING. AGAIN: OPEN-MINDED. THOUGHTFUL. CONSIDERATE. PATIENT.

HONESTLY, HULK NEVER READ AND “UNFAIR” REVIEW BY THE MAN. AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, HE PASSIONATELY DEFEND A FILMMAKER’S RIGHT TO PURSUE THEIR ART, OR MAKE SOMETHING UNCOMPROMISING. HE DO SO LIKE MOST WOULD DEFEND A FRIEND.

AND FROM SOME BRIEF DEALINGS, HULK CAN ASSURE YOU THAT DREW THAT MOST IMPORTANT THING OF ALL… KIND.

HIGHLIGHTS: AT HITFIX DREW RUN GREAT PODCAST CALLED MOTION CAPTURED, WHERE HE OFTEN PLAY HIS GREAT “MOVIE GOD” GAME; WHICH FEATURE HIS ASKING GUEST WHICH OF TWO MOVIES THE GUEST WOULD EFFECTIVELY “KILL,” MEANING WIPE OUT FROM EXISTENCE (AND AS RESULT ALL OF THE MOVIE’S INFLUENCE TOO). HE SO GOOD ABOUT PICKING TWO FILMS THAT MAKE IT A SOPHIE’S CHOICE. FOR SUCH NICE GUY IT WONDERFULLY CRUEL GAME (AND TO BE FAIR, IT REALLY JUST BRILLIANT OF ASKING “WHAT KIND OF FILM DO YOU TRULY VALUE?”)

ALSO, ONE OF THINGS HULK LOVE = THE DEEPLY PERSONAL WITH WHICH HE VISIT FILM (THOUGH NEVER IN OVERBEARING WAY). WITH FILM NERD 2.0 DREW REVISIT CINEMA FAVORITES THROUGH THE EYES OF HIS TWO YOUNG SONS. IT REALLY WONDERFUL READ ESPECIALLY FOR FOLKS WITH KIDS TRYING TO NAVIGATE DIFFICULTIES OF WHAT CONTENT TO EXPOSE (AND WHEN). IT ESPECIALLY WONDERFUL TO SEE IN AGE WHERE EVERY ADULT-MINDED CRITIC SEEM BE DEMANDING CONTENT TO BE DARKER/MORE ADULT.

(1) OKAY THE “IT SUCKS” BEEN AROUND FOREVER, BUT NOW THE CRETINS SEEMINGLY EVERYWHERE AND CAN’T EVEN TYPE.

FOLLOW http://twitter.com/#!/DREWATHITFIX

#2 – DEVIN FARACI – BADASSDIGEST.COM

BEING CRITIC ABOUT HAVING A VOICE… AND IN THIS WORLD, DEVIN FARACI HAVE A TRULY DISTINCT, EXPANSIVE VOICE. NO, THAT NOT MEAN HE SOME LOUD-MOUTHED CRETIN WHO JUST OUT-SHOUTING EVERYONE. NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST. IT MEAN HE WONDERFULLY ENGAGING, THOUGHTFUL, UNCOMPROMISING, AND OFTEN HILARIOUS.

SINCE THIS THE INTERNET AND SOME FOLKS GET LITTLE TOUCHY/DEFENSIVE ABOUT THEY STUFF, DEVIN INFAMOUSLY CHARACTERIZED AS THE SORT OF REACTIONARY LOUD-MOUTH HULK JUST ALLUDE TO. HE PRESUMED TO CARRY ALL THESE NONSENSICAL VENDETTAS WITH CERTAIN FILMMAKERS (COUGH* JAMES CAMERON * COUGH). BUT NOTHING FURTHER FROM TRUTH. HE SIMPLY DOES NOT RALLY BEHIND GEEK PROPERTIES JUST FOR THE SAKE OF IT. WHEN CHALLENGED, HE CHALLENGE RIGHT BACK. HE NEVER AFRAID TO ANTAGONIZE, BUT HE NOT ANTAGONISTIC (MEANING IT NOT HIS INTENTION. A CRITICAL DIFFERENCE).  HE SIMPLY HAVE OPINIONS AND EXPRESS THEM WITH ABJECT CLARITY. SADLY, CLARITY ONE OF THOSE SEVERELY UNDER-REPRESENTED QUALITIES IN WRITING TODAY.

DEVIN SPENT MANY WONDERFUL YEARS AT CHUD, AND NOW HE THE VOICE OF BADASS DIGEST, WHICH THE ASSOCIATED SITE OF THE CINE-MECCA-LIKE ALAMO DRAFT HOUSE IN TEXAS. BADASS DIGEST SITE ESPECIALLY FUN BECAUSE THERE SO MUCH ODDBALL, SUPER-POSITIVE CONTENT.

HIGHLIGHTS:  DEVIN’S BEST QUALITY OFTEN THE ABILITY TO BE LAUGH OUT LOUD FUNNY. HE CAN DIVE INTO INCREDIBLY COMPLICATED + CEREBRAL SUBJECT MATTER THEN UNDERCUT THE SERIOUSNESS WITH A WELL-TIMED JOKE. THIS BRIEF NEWS ARTICLE FROM BACK IN THE DAY HULK’S FAVORITE EXAMPLE: http://www.chud.com/7723/lars-von-tries-horror/

ANOTHER THING HULK LIKE THAT DEVIN HAVE GREAT ABILITY TO CONVEY WHAT MAKE CERTAIN “BASE” MOVIES REALLY ENJOYABLE. HE NEVER INVOKE THE NONSENSICAL LOGIC OF “IT SO BAD IT GOOD!” BUT INSTEAD OPT FOR THAT PERFECT BALANCE CLARITY AND HUMOR. HULK’S FAVORITE EXAMPLE THIS TORQUE “GUILTY PLEASURE” REMEMBRANCE (#27 HALFWAY DOWN).

UNLIKE MANY, HE NOT AFRAID TO GET POLITICAL IN HIS TANGENTS (HERE’S A GREAT 300 REVIEW FROM FEW YEARS BACK).

(NOTE: YOU MAY FIND IT REALLY WEIRD THAT HULK REMEMBERING ALL THESE MOMENTS AND LINES FROM ARTICLES WRITTEN YEARS AND YEARS AGO. HULK JUST HAVE ONE OF THOSE INSANE WRITTEN MEMORY THINGS… IT A BLESSING/CURSE… HULK COULD PROBABLY STILL PASS TESTS FROM HIGH SCHOOL AP CLASSES BUT SUBSEQUENTLY CANT EVER REMEMBER TO TAKE LAUNDRY OUT OF MACHINE. ANYCRAP… )

A GOOD CRITIC EXPANDS YOUR TASTE AND RATIONALE… OFTEN FURTHER THAN YOU THOUGHT POSSIBLE. DEVIN CAN REALLY DO THIS. HE HAVE GREAT SERIES BACK AT CHUD CALLED “CHUDSPLOITATION” WHICH EXAMINE THE MOST INSANE EXPLOITATION FILMS ALL TIME (WARNING: NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH) AND VERY CALMY EXPLAIN AND DELVE LEGITIMATELY INTO “WHAT COMPELLED THE FILMMAKER TO MAKE THIS?” AND EVEN WITH MOST DESPICABLE STUFF, DON’T TELL HULK IT NOT WORTH ASKING THAT QUESTION. BECAUSE ULTIMATELY THE FILM WAS MADE AND PEOPLE SAW IT. SO NOT HAVING SOMEONE DELVE INTO IT AND ADDRESS WHAT “IT” WAS ABOUT HULK THINK A MUCH LARGER SIN OF OMISSION.

RECENTLY HE HAVE GREAT ENTRY IN THE HILARIOUS “MAKE IT STOP” SERIES AT BADASSDIGEST IN WHICH HE EXAMINE THE WORST FILM IN SPIELBERG’S OEUVRE.

AND LASTLY, PLEASE ENJOY THIS GREAT EXCERPT FROM RECENT FAST FIVE REVIEW:

He’s certainly more than a match for Diesel, who continues to turn into some kind of Gnome King or something. His head seems to be shrinking while his nose blossoms out and the thin layer of flesh holding in the hamburger helper with which he is stuffed seems tired and about to give up the ghost. All of Diesel’s lines sound like they’re coming through some kind of bass-heavy fuzzbox and the choices he makes in delivering them are baffling. I don’t know what kind of a movie he thinks he’s making. Still, as awful as he is on paper he’s arresting on screen, a sentient pork chop that occasionally drives cars. This is the ultimate niche for him, and hopefully he understands it. He is Dom, and Dom is he.

PERFECT.

FOLLOW DEVIN ON TWITTER: http://twitter.com/#!/devincf

#3 – MR. BEAKS  – AKA JEREMY SMITH ON AINTITCOOL.COM

IT DELIGHT HULK TO READ MR. BEAKS ON AICN. THE SITE CERTAINLY RUN THE GAMUT IN TERMS OF READERSHIP (AND IT A FREAKING HUGE READERSHIP) BUT THERE JUST A WAY IN WHICH MR. BEAKS SO DISTINCTLY AGAINST THE GRAIN OF WHAT ONE IMAGINE TO BE THE TYPICAL AICN READER.

FOR ONE,  YOU WILL NEVER HEAR BEAKS DESCRIBE A FILM AS A “BARREL FULL OF BLOWJOBS” (AT LEAST HULK THINK?) BUT INSTEAD YOU FIND PERHAPS ONE THE MOST CEREBRAL, WORLD-CINEMA-LOVING, LOQUACIOUS CRITICS ON INTERNET. FOR EVERY ASININE DISCUSSION OF TRANSFORMERS ON THAT SITE, YOU WILL ALSO FIND JEREMY POSTING YET ANOTHER LOVELY, THOUGHTFUL ARTICLE ABOUT [INSERT FOREIGN FILM YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE HEARD OF].

INDEED, MR. BEAKS TRULY ONE OF THOSE FILM SCHOLARS WITH AN INCREDIBLE BREADTH OF KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE MEDIUM. HE CONDUCTED COUNTLESS EXCELLENT INTERVIEWS IN WHICH HE CLEARLY IMPRESS INTERVIEWEE WITH SAID DEEP KNOWLEDGE. IN SIMPLE TERMS OF PURE CONTENT, BEAKS APPEAR TO BE SOME KIND STALWART DEFENDER OF THE HIGHER-MINDED POSSIBILITIES OF CINEMA AGAINST THE POPULIST INCLINATIONS OF THE MASSES. BEST YET, HIS INTEREST IN THOSE TOPICS NEVER FORCED, BUT FEEL PERFECTLY NATURAL.

AND THEN THERE HIS ACTUAL USE OF LANGUAGE. HULK CONSIDER MR. BEAKS ONE THOSE REAL CRITIC-POETS ONE SEE FROM TIME TO TIME. HE CONSTANTLY STRIVE FOR THE PERFECT SHORT-BURSTED DENSE BITS OF ELOQUENCE. AS NATURAL RESULT, AT TIMES HIS WRITING CAN COME OFF WEE-BIT PEDANTIC OR ESOTERIC… AND HONESTLY AT THE RARE + VERY WORST HULK HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHAT JEREMY TRYING SAY (AND NOT BE DICK OR ANYTHING, BUT AT THIS POINT IN HULK’S LIFE, IF HULK NO CAN UNDERSTAND INTENDED MEANING OF AUTHOR, THEN THAT NOT KNOCK ON HULK BUT KNOCK ON AUTHOR).  BUT THOSE ABSURDLY SMALL PRICES TO PAY FOR THE FREQUENT GEMS. THERE JUST SOMETHING SO ADMIRABLE ABOUT SWINGING FOR THE FENCES WITH EVERY STATEMENT AND THOUGHT. AGAIN, IF BEAKS THE POET-CRITIC, THEN PERHAPS IT MAKE SENSE NO GET UBER-LITERAL ANYWAY. TO POSSIBLY CHARACTERIZE A CINEMATIC IDEAL IN THOSE ETHEREAL, UN-CONCRETE TERMS.  IT ALLOW FOR THOSE IMPECCABLE TIMES WHEN JEREMY ABLE TO CLARIFY AN IDEA WITH LYRICAL, CRYSTALLINE WIT THAT JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE OUTRAGEOUSLY CAPITAL-T TRUE.

TO THE EXAMPLES!

ON TREME (VIA TWITTER): “First Episode of Treme feature everything I love and hate about the show. Great environment. Ham fisted drama. This is the show.”

ON “I AM LOVE”: “Shot and designed like a Sirk-ian melodrama, Wong effortlessly captures the longing and regret of a love affair briefly indulged and forever mourned.” AND, “This is a return to the type of pure cinema that’s anathema in this age of pure calculation; it’s about getting drunk on the potential of the medium, not betraying it for awards or box office. This is where Swinton lives.”

ON “IRREVERSIBLE”: “And if you think Noe is trying to impart some saintly Stanley Kramer bullshit about the futility of revenge, forget it: in IRREVERSIBLE, the whole shebang is predetermined because “time destroys everything”.”

OR CONSIDER THE CONCISE ENTIRETY OF HIS SUCKER PUNCH REVIEW. MANY REVIEWS SLOGGED THROUGH THE LOGICAL STEPS TO DISMISS THE COUNTLESS MISCALCULATIONS OF FILM, BUT ONLY BEAKS SEEMED TO DELICIOUSLY CUT THROUGH THE BULLSHIT (WITHOUT OUTRIGHT DISMISSING IT).

IF IT SEEM LIKE HULK SIMPLY PREDISPOSED TO LIKE BEAKS OR SOMETHING AND FOLLOW BLINDLY, YOU MISTAKEN. QUITE FRANKLY, HULK NEVER READ A CRITIC HULK DISAGREE WITH SO FREQUENTLY. BUT AGREEMENT UNGODLY-OVERRATED IN THIS BUSINESS. THOSE MYSTIFYING-TO-HULK OPINIONS (THERE VERY INTERESTING RIDLEY SCOTT CONVERSATION BE HAD ONE DAY) NOT = LACKING WORTH. HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHY THAT BELIEVE SO COMMON IN CRITICAL ADORATION.

THAT THE REAL POINT, RIGHT? TO ENGAGE AND BE CHALLENGED? TO EXPERIENCE SOMEONE’S WONDERFULLY INTERESTING POINT OF VIEW? AND ULTIMATELY BEAKS WONDERFULLY DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE PROVIDE JUST AS MANY CASES WHERE IT BENEFIT BOTH, LIKE ACKNOWLEDGING THE  THE SECRET GENIUS OF PEYTON REED’S “BRING IT ON.” (HULK LOVE THAT FILM FOR ALL REASONS EXPRESSED).

AND PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANT, JEREMY SEEMS BE ONE OF FEW REMAINING FILM FANATIC/NBA DIE HARDS IN THE WORLD… MAYBE HULK JUST THINK WE NEED MORE THOSE.

IT BASICALLY THIS AND SPIKE LEE

FOLLOW MR. BEAKS ON TWITTER: http://twitter.com/#!/mrbeaks

AND SO…

HULK JUST THOUGHT THIS BE FUN FEATURE. HULK GONNA WRITE ABOUT OTHERS SOON TOO. LIKE M. MORSE’S STUNNING DEEP-TISSUE ANALYSIS WITH THE LOST + FOUND SERIES OR HIS INCREDIBLE EPISODIC TREATISE ON LOST, NOT TO MENTION THE LIKES DAMON HOUX, JEN YAMATO, BRIAN COLLINS’S HORROR MOVIE A DAY AND TERROR TUESDAYS, ERIC SNIDER’S BAD MOVIES SERIES. PLUS MANY, MANY MORE. HULK ALSO LOOKING FORWARD TO PROMISE OF OUTPUT OF APRIL SWARTZ AND MEREDITH BORDERS OVER AT BADASSDIGEST.

HULK THINK “COMMUNITY” MUCH MORE THAN GREAT SHOW YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING, IT A CONCEPT THAT NEED MORE CREDENCE IN GENERAL. THE MORE ANY PLACE ACT LIKE A REAL COMMUNITY, THE BETTER FOR ALL… ESPECIALLY IN REGARDS TO THE INTERNET. READERS FORGET, WRITERS FORGET, AND EVEN HULK FORGET, BUT THE ONLINE FILM WORLD AT ITS CORE = A TRULY WONDERFUL PLACE.

HULK JUST HAPPY TO BE READING THESE FOLKS.

COMMUNITY!

HULK NOW ON FACEBOOK AND STUFF

IT TOTALLY AWKWARD, BUT IN THIS AGE OF INTERNETTIN’, SELF-PROMOTION = INEVITABLE NECESSITY.

IF GOAL TO ACTUALLY SHARE WHAT HULK HAVE SAY (WHICH IT IS) THEN THERE JUST CERTAIN STEPS NEED BE TAKEN, SO HULK GONNA SUCK IT UP AND DEAL.

AS PART OF THIS SHARING CONTENT INITIATIVE, HULK INVITE YOU LIKE FILM CRIT HULK’S NEW FACEBOOK PAGE.

PROPER LINK HERE: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Film-Crit-Hulk/203700956335197

HULK GONNA POST ARTICLES, UPDATES, PICTURES, ALL THAT STUFF THAT MAKE IT EASIER TO HOPEFULLY ENJOY HULK.

PLEASE “LIKE” IT IF SO INCLINED.

IF NOT, THAT OKAY. WE STILL COOL.

HULK PRESENTS: FIVE REASONS YOU SHOULD SEE BRIDESMAIDS

HULK AND BETTY CHECK OUT BRIDESMAIDS LAST NIGHT. IT FANTASTIC.

HERE FIVE REASONS TO SEE IT.

1. IT IMPORTANT.

LOT ALREADY BEEN MADE OF THE “ALL WOMEN” CAST THING SO HULK GONNA KEEP IT SHORT. PLUS, IT JUST SO FREAKING DUMB THAT HULK HAVE TO DO THIS, BUT HULK LIVE IN AGE WHERE THIS KIND OF MOVIE SO FREAKING RARE THAT WE HAVE PUT BRIDESMAIDS ON A PEDESTAL, SHOUT FROM THE MOUNTAIN TOPS, AND GET THE WORLD TO NOTICE. IT A GREAT MOVIE STARRING WOMEN, ABOUT WOMEN, BUT NOT JUST ABOUT WOMEN.

AND IT JUST SO HAPPEN THE MOVIE EXCELLENT.

2. IT PERFECT VEHICLE FOR KRISTEN WIIG

SHE OFTEN RELEGATED TO S.N.L.’S SOMETIMES CRIPPLING CHARACTER-SYSTEM, SO WE NO HAD OPPORTUNITY TO SEE THE THINGS THAT MAKE HER SO BLISTERINGLY HUMAN. SHE PERFECT EVERYWOMAN WITH JUST RIGHT COMBINATION OF AWKWARDNESS, WELL-MEANING SOULFULNESS, AND SELF-DESTRUCTIVE INSTINCTS.

3. WE OWE PAUL FEIG

HE RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE OF THE BEST TV SHO- WAIT, SCRATCH THAT, THINGS EVER IN FREAKS AND GEEKS. SINCE THEN, HE NEVER QUITE HAD OPPORTUNITY TO EXPLORE THINGS THAT MAKE THAT SHOW SPECIAL (AND HONESTLY APATOW SEEMINGLY GET MOST OF CREDIT AS BEING MAIN VOICE BEHIND F+G. HE NOT. IT FEIG). AND NOW BRIDESMAIDS THE CLOSEST HE COME TO CAPTURING THAT WONDERFUL HUMAN PATHOS SET IN BIG BROAD COMEDY. AND HECK, ANYTHING THAT GIVE HIM MORE POWER TO DO WHAT WANT THEN HULK ALL FOR… AND THAT WOULD EVEN BE IF THE MOVIE SUCKED… AND AGAIN, IT FANTASTIC.

4. IT MELISSA MCCARTHY’S COMING OUT PARTY

SURE, IT THE KIND OF ROLE THAT WOULD ALLOW MANY SUCCEED, BUT THERE SOMETHING SO SPECIFIC TO MCCARTHY’S SHEER TYRANNY OF WILL THAT THE TERM “AUDACIOUS” FAIL DO JUSTICE. SHE GO FOR BEYOND BROKE. SHE GO FOR DESTITUTE. FOR FINANCIAL RUIN… AND SHE KILLS IT.

5. BECAUSE IT NOT “THE FEMALE HANGOVER”

NOTHING MAKE HULK SMASHY-ER THAN THIS COMPARISON. BECAUSE BRIDESMAIDS AN APATOW PRODUCTION AND EVEN THOUGH THERE OBVIOUS CROSSOVER IN “BROAD R RATED COMEDIES,” HULK ARGUE THAT APATOW AND PHILLIPS MAKE MOVIES FOR COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE. TODD PHILLIPS MAKE MOVIES FOR DUDEBROS. AND APATOW MAKE MOVIES FOR PEOPLE DUDEBROS USED TO BEAT UP. HULK REALIZE THIS A BIT UNFAIR AND THERE OBVIOUS CROSSOVER BETWEEN TWO, BUT IT JUST FEEL TRUE. BOTH TRYING MAKE YOU LAUGH FIRST, BUT PHILLIPS PERVASIVE ID JUST STRIVE FOR THE JOKE, COOLNESS, AND MALE FANTASY, WHILE APATOW CONSCIOUSLY STRIVE FOR THE UGLY HUMANITY (AND THIS ALSO TRUE OF APATOW’S MCKAY PROJECTS, WHERE THEY  STRIVE FOR THE JOKE TO POINT OF ABSURDITY, WHICH MAKE IT SATIRE. AND IT SATIRE OF THINGS OFTEN AT FACE-VALUE IN PHILLIPS’ OEUVRE).

AND IT ESPECIALLY INSULTING BECAUSE THE HANGOVER JUST THE CONTINUATION OF PHILLIPS “I HAVE CRAZY WOMEN ISSUES,” WHERE HE TURN EVERY WOMAN INTO VACUOUS BITCH OR VACUOUS ORIFICE (WHICH HE OBVIOUSLY PREFER). SURE, BRIDESMAIDS NOT AFRAID GET “ORIFICE-Y” OR BANAL, BUT IT DO THROUGH SEVEN COMEDIC YET TOTALLY FLESH AND BLOOD VERSIONS OF WOMEN. IN HULK’S MIND, THE TWO DEPICTIONS COULD NO BE MORE CONTRARY.

AND FOR HULK’S SAKE, BECAUSE YOU SHOULD NO SOUR ON APATOW PRODUCTIONS. COMEDY TENDS GO IN WAVES. A CERTAIN PERSON SWELL, CREST, AND CRASH, THEN IT OVER. BUT SOMETIMES THAT HAVE NO BEARING ON QUALITY OF PRODUCT OR PERFORMANCE, JUST OUR SENSITIVITY TO THE STYLE. SO STAY WITH APATOW. HE  ONE OF ONLY SEEMING FEW STRIVING TO BE EARNEST IN COMEDY WORLD.

AND BECAUSE IT NOT A FEMALE “VERSION” OF ANYTHING. IT ITS OWN THING.

AND IT FOR ALL OF US.

BONUS STUFF! – EVERYONE GOOD IN THE MOVIE. JON HAMM GET ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY BE HILARIOUS (IT SEEM HE SO CONSTANTLY EAGER PLAY “NOT DON DRAPER THAT HE ALSO GO FOR BROKE). HULK WISH ROSE BYRNE GET MORE CHANCE BE FUNNY (SHE SO GOOD IN GET HIM TO THE GREEK) BUT SHE PLAY HEAVY IN EXACT WAY FILM NEEDS. HULK WISH WENDI MCLENDON-COVEY AND ELLIE KEMPER GET MORE DO IN LAST ACT (AS IN ANYTHING) CAUSE THEY GREAT BEFORE THAT. TIM HEIDECKER SHOW UP AND DO NOTHING! WHICH KINDA HILARIOUS! HEIDECKER!

R.I.P. THE GREAT JILL CLAYBURGH

THE AVENGERS SIT OUTSIDE MOVIE THEATER AND TALK ABOUT “THOR”

THE FOLLOWING A REAL CONVERSATION AMONG THE REAL-LIFE AVENGERS (THAT WOULD BE HULK, THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA, AND IRONMAN AKA TONY STARK) THAT TAKE PLACE OUTSIDE MOVIE THEATER AFTER A MIDNIGHT SCREENING OF “THOR.”

HULK: THANKS FOR GOING MOVIE GUYS! HULK KNOW IT LATE, BUT MIDNIGHT AUDIENCES ALWAYS THE BEST. SO WHAT YOU GUYS THINK? DID YOU LIKE IT?

TONY: Yeah, sure it was fine. [Tony looks over at a group of women watching our group. He smiles and turns back], Wait, why did we see it in 2D again?

HULK: COME ON STARK. YOU TECH GUY. IT POST-CONVERTED AND HONESTLY, HUMAN EYES NOT MEANT TO-

TONY: Blah, blah, hulk smash, blah. No one cares. Blondie what did you think? It was your life.

THOR: Me thinks it odd to see one’s life summarized as a tale of celluloid distortion.

TONY: Odd? Or flattering? I mean c’mon Magic Man you get to be the star. Or at least the aussie kid does.

THOR: One guesses that the film was indeed a somewhat accurate representation of Thor Odinson. At least a small version of this long journey I hath been on. But yes, I suppose the aussie gentlemen did do justice concerning mine story.

PICTURED: JUSTICE

HULK: HULK THOUGHT HEMSWORTH DO ADMIRABLE JOB. HE CERTAINLY EMBODY ALL THINGS WE CONSIDER TO BE THOR. IT WEIRD, THE SCENES OF SCRIPT CALL FOR LOT OR RANGE, BUT ODDLY NOT LOT ACTUAL DEVELOPMENT. HE GET TO SHOW LITTLE ARC OR DRAMA. HE SORT OF JUST IN DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL STATE EACH TIME DEPENDING ON NATURE OF SCENE. WHICH MAKE IT OBVIOUS SCRIPT PROBLEM. IT SORT OF REMIND HULK OF-

TONY: [eye roll] Ohhhhhkay enough of that, whaddaya think Cap?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I haven’t been to the movies since I saw “Meet Me In St. Louis.”

HULK: OOOH, 1944! SUCH GOOD YEAR FOR MOVIES! DOUBLE INDEMNITY, LAURA, GASLIGHT, ARSENIC AND-

CAPTAIN AMERICA: It was actually part of USO show, I didn’t make it to the talkies that much. Too busy defending the stars and stripes!

TONY: Please Hulk, can we talk about one movie without talking about 19 other movies we haven’t seen?

HULK: HULK SORRY.

TONY: Good, and for your information I found Thor to be pretty likable.

THOR: Thanks ole friend!

TONY: The movie, not you. You smell like Mead and feet. The movie meanwhile, does not. And it was a actually lot of fun. Not as fun as my movie, which I think everyone here can agree that it  fucking rocked, but this was more traditional old-fashioned movie fun.

HULK: HULK AGREE. IT VERY LIKABLE, BUT YOU NO THINK IT… HULK DUNNO… A LITTLE SLIGHT?

THOR: What doe’st thou mean green man of wrath?

HULK: AGAIN, IT ENJOYABLE. EVERYONE INVOLVED CERTAINLY MEAN WELL AND GIVING FULL EFFORT. WHICH WORTH PRAISING. LIKE HULK SAID, HEMSWORTH DEFINITELY SHOW NECCESARY RANGE OF CHARACTER. AND HIDDLESTON PROBABLY HAVE BETTER LOOK AS LOKI, BUT THE  PERFORMANCE TOTALLY APT. ONE OF MORE SYMPATHETIC VERSIONS OF LOKI HULK SEE/READ. AND PORTMAN NOT GET LOT SCREENTIME BUT SHE KNOW WHAT SHE NEED DO, WHICH IF HULK BE HONEST, IT JUST SEEM SMART AND PRETTY AND THAT BOUT IT. SKARSGAARD HAVE EVEN SMALLER PART, BUT HIS VERY PRESENCE LEND EXACTLY WHAT NEEDED OF ROLE, A NORDIC, VENERABLE ANCHOR IF WILL WHO CAN GO HIGHBROW/LOWBROW. AND HECK, IDRIS ELBA ALMOST STEAL MOVIE AND ALL HE DO JUST STAND THERE ALL BADASS AND GIVE A FEW PERFECTLY-TIMED BARBS. AND FINALLY, KAT DENNINGS JUST DELIGHTFUL AS AUDIENCE SURROGATE. EVERYTHING SHE DO OSCILLATE BETWEEN GENUINELY FUNNY AND ADORABLE.

[At this moment HULK receives a sharp look from Betty, who nearby chatting with Pepper and Peggy]

HULK: BUT UH, WHAT HULK SAYING, OH YEAH. MOST ALL, BRANAGH REALLY SEEM TO EMBRACE BIG SILLY NONSENSE OF A COSMIC MARVEL MOVIE. WHICH REALLY IMPORTANT BECAUSE THE WORLD OF ASGARD/THOR IN TRUTH JUST BIG SILLY NONSENSE.

THOR: Heyeth!

TONY: Oh c’mon wee odinson, you’re basically a cartoon.

HULK: RIGHT, BUT BRANAGH EMBRACE THAT ASPECT! IT WHAT MAKE THOR BOTH FUNNY AND HEROIC. THERE THIS REAL BEOWULF-IAN BRAVDO TO THE HERO. AND BRANAGH MIX THE CARTOONY-NESS NICELY INTO FISH-OUT-OF-WATER STORY, WHICH OBVIOUSLY ONE OF MOST CLICHE THING IN WORLD, BUT STILL TOTALLY WELL-EXECUTED AND FUN.

TONY: “I need a horse!”

THOR:  Ha! Tis funny cos tis true. I doeth say things like that.

HULK: EXACTLY. TONY RIGHT. YOU WALKING CARTOON. BUT EVEN BETTER EXAMPLE HULK THINK = THE WONDERFULLY OVERWROUGHT ANTHONY HOPKINS. PEOPLE TEND THINK HE JUST CRUISING AT THIS POINT, WHICH TOTALLY TRUE, BUT HE ALSO JUST DOING HIS THING REALLY WELL. IT NOT HALF AS LAZY AS DENIRO. BETTER YET, HOPKINS KNOW EXACT WHAT MOVIE HE IN. HE JUST SO YELLY AND SEVERE AND BIG AND-

TONY: Shaaaaakesssppeeeeareee!!! [Shakes fist to the sky]

HULK: HULK LAUGH. RIGHT. IT ALL VERY BOMBASTIC AND VERY, VERY BRANAGH. HE REALLY GAVE THOR MOVIE THE INHERENT AND DUMB GRAVITAS IT NEEDED… WHICH MEAN IT ALL SORT OF LORD OR THE RINGS MINUS THE ACTUAL LYRICISM.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: What’s a lord of the ring?

Tony: No Mordor talk. I’m not the biggest fan of rings of power. In any form.

HULK: IT DOESN’T MATTER… HULK MEAN… CAP, WHY YOU EVEN HANG OUT WITH US? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE TALKING ABOUT MOST TIME. YOU LIKE HULK’S GRANDPA.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I would hit you, but I don’t want to anger you further and kill the fine citizens all around us.

HULK: FINE. AND HULK WON’T TRICK YOU INTO WATCHING “THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE” AGAIN.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: [Shuddering in disgust] You live in unseemly times.

[HULK and TONY high five]

HULK: AND HULK ALSO HAPPY CAUSE IT HONESTLY, IT FUN TO ACTUALLY GET SEE MJOLNIR IN ACTION-

THOR: But you see the mighty hammer in action every night brother! [THOR holds up MJOLNIR!]

THIS THING

HULK: COME ON. YOU KNOW WHAT HULK MEAN. BASICALLY THE MOVIE ALL VERY EARNEST AND WELL-INTENTIONED. AND IT GET LOT MILEAGE OUT OF THAT. BUT HULK BE REMISS IF HULK NOT MENTION THAT THE SORT OF CAVALIER ATTITUDE CAN BE CHARMING, BUT ONLY FIRST VIEWING… SUBSEQUENT VIEWINGS MAY BE FAR LESS KIND.

THOR: Why doeth thou mean oh one of ill-fitting slacks?

HULK: DESPITE THE GOOD INTENTIONS, THE ENTIRE FILM OFF-SET BY THIS INATE HALF-BAKED QUALITY. HULK NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO JUST LABEL ALL THE WRITERS/PEOPLE BEHIND “THOR” IDIOTS. FAR FROM IT. HULK  KNOW THAT FILMMAKERS LITERALLY SPEND YEARS THINKING ABOUT THESE PRODUCTIONS AND EVERY SINGLE CHOICE MADE. IT BOTHER HULK WHEN SOMETIMES AUDIENCE GO, “HOW THEY NEVER THINK OF SO-AND-SO!” BUT THEY WRONG. FILMMAKING ABOUT GETTING WHAT NEED AND MAKING TOUGH CHOICES AND SOMETIMES IT ABOUT CHOOSING WHAT “LOSES.” AND SOMETIMES A FILMMAKER CHOOSE WRONG THING EMPHASIZE IN GIVEN MOMENT.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  So why does he talk about movies so much again?

HULK: HULK TRYING EXPLAIN WHY A MOVIE THAT NOT LAZY OR “BAD” JUST FEEL SO INCOMPLETE, ESPECIALLY FOR PRODUCTION THAT SEEM VERY MUCH IN CONTROL. IT REALLY MAY BE SIMPLE CASE OF THEM CUTTING THE FILM DOWN FOR WRONG REASONS. FOR SUCH EPIC STORY, MAYBE IT REALLY NEED FEEL EPIC IN LENGTH. LIKE FILM JUST NEEDED MORE TIME FOR THE CHARACTER JOURNEY TO EQUAL SCALE OF THE APPARENT JOURNEY THEY WANTED TAKE.

TONY: It was an hour and 55 minutes. I ain’t sitting longer than than 2 hours for anything, unless it’s the world’s best blo-

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Mr. Stark! Language!

HULK: HULK REALLY WISHED IT LONGER. HULK WANTED THERE JUST TO SIMPLY BE MORE OF THOR COMING TO GRIPS WITH LIFE ON EARTH. THE MOVIE JUST: HE CAN NO PICK UP HIS HAMMER. LOKI SAY ODIN DADDY DEAD. AND BOOM. THOR HUMBLED. IT SO SLIGHT. AND MORE IMPORTANT THE LOVE STORY. HULK NEEDED MORE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. EVEN IF IT THE OH-SO-CLICHED “I NO LIKE HIM! NOW I LOVE HIM!” KIND OF THING. PORTMAN GREAT ACTRESS AND THERE JUST SO LITTLE TO DO BESIDES TALK ABOUT HOW DEVOTED SHE TO RESEARCH AND OGLE THOR.

THOR: Who wouldn’t want to ogle Thor, god of thunder?

TONY: Um, all the girls who go home with me instead?

THIS HAPPEN A LOT

HULK: HULK’S POINT THAT JANE SORT JUST LIKE AND TRUST HIM IMMEDIATELY. THERE NO REAL BUILDUP OF “WHY SHOULD I TRUST THIS PERSON?” IT JUST IMPLICIT.  HULK MEAN THE OTHER CHARACTERS DON’T TRUST THOR SO IT THERE IN LARGER SENSE, BUT AS RESULT, JANE HAVE NO REAL JOURNEY.

THOR: Can we not speakth of the lady foster? It pain Thor Odinson to speak of such a tumultuous history.

HULK: AND THAT JUST THE CORE OF MOVIE. WHAT YOU GUYS THINK OF THE SHIELD STUFF?

ALL: [generic groans]

TONY: Those guys are such a pain in my dick.

THOR: They’re well-meaning guardians!

CAP: (softly, to self) I like shields.

HULK: ADMITTEDLY, HULK THINK IT JUST FUN SEE CLARK GREGG. HE SO GOOD IN WHAT COULD BE VERY BORING ROLE. BUT THE SHOEHORNED SHIELD STUFF ALMOST A GIVEN AT THIS POINT. AND HULK NOT GET THE POINT TO ALL THE SHIELD STUFF HONESTLY, CAUSE IT NOT LIKE IT REALLY CHARACTER BUILDING OR SETTING UP STUFF AUDIENCE NEED TO KNOW? WELL MAYBE FOR GREGG BUT HOW MUCH THAT TAKE? CERTAINLY NOT FOR FURY. AND WORST PART FURY SHOULD ACTUALLY BE FUN CHARACTER CAUSE HE HAVE PUT UP WITH US MORONS.

TONY: Yeah, that’s actually pretty true.

THOR: I amth pretty helpless out here.

CAP: (softly, to self) I like shields.

HULK: CAN HULK TALK ABOUT THAT CAMEO WITH HAWKEYE THAT CLEARLY FILMED AFTER THE FACT?

HAWKEYE [who just appeared out of, like, nowhere]: He guys, I was in the movie! Did you see it!

HULK: IT SO SUPERFLUOUS!

TONY: He’s always superfluous!

THOR: Go home!

[Hawkeye lowers his head in shame]

ALWAYS SUPERFLUOUS

HULK: I MEAN HULK REALLY EXCITED TO SEE THE “GRAB THE BOW” REVEAL BECAUSE HULK NOT KNOW IT COMING. THEN THEY JUST WHEEL HIM AIMLESSLY AROUND ON CRANE FOR NO REASON. AND IT GO ON FOR SO LONG. SHORTER WOULD HAVE MUCH MORE IMPACT… HULK ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR RENNER.

TONY: I hope your movie manages to do the Shield stuff much more organically.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I have a movie coming out?

HULK [IGNORING CAP]:  YEAH. HULK THINK IT PROBABLY WORK BEST THERE. OOOOH, OOOH, HULK ALMOST FORGET. BEST STAN LEE CAMEO YET, RIGHT?

ALL: [POSITIVE NODS IN AGREEMENT]

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Actually, I do have a movie related comment now that I think of it!

[Silence.]

TONY: Really?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yeah, what was with the jap and the negro being norse gods?

ALL: [annoyed groans]

TONY: Goddamit Cap!

THOR: Yeah seriously, that isth fucked up.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: What?!?

TONY: How many times do we have to tell you not to be stupidly racist? Like Tea-Party-Level racist. I mean, not only can you NOT do that anymore, you never should have in the first place.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Well sorry for being born near the turn of the century!

TONY: We already turned ANOTHER century you darwinian nightmare!

(awkward silence)

HULK: WHAT YOU ALL THINK OF THE DUTCH ANGLES. PRETTY CRAZY RIGHT? IT SO GLEEFULLY DUMP HULK ALMOST FIND IT CHARMING AFTER WHILE.  IT REMINDED HULK OF-

TONY: All right this is pointless, let’s get the hell back to avengers HQ. I want some scotchy scotch.

HULK: BUT HULK LOVE TALKING AFTER MOVIES!

TONY: No. You like telling us why we’re wrong and yelling at me for falling asleep during “The New World.” I get it, you like movies, but you dropping an essay on us five minutes after seeing the movie isn’t a discussion. It makes us the chorus to your head0space. So c’mon guys let’s go.

HULK: FIVE MORE MINUTES?

TONY: No! Besides, I paid for all your tickets. Thor always shows up from Asgard and forgets to bring money. Cap’s whopping 2500 dollar lifesavings from the 1940’s doesn’t do him good in 2010. And Hulk, you’re as destitute as a Kansas City hooker.

HULK: HULK ALWAYS LOSE WALLET WHEN PUNY BANNER HULK-OUT!

TONY: No, last time you “Hulked-Out” you just went online and spent all your Avengers Stipend money on criterion collections.

HULK: THEY SO GOOD THOUGH! HULK JUST GET HAUSU!

YOU HEAR THAT? HAUSU!

TONY: Shut up! Why do I even hang out with you guys?! You’re all crazy people. That’s it. Me and happy aren’t even going back to HQ! PEPPER Get my briefcase-mark-whatever-suit ready, we’re going to Vegas.

HAWKEYE: I’ll go Tony!

ALL: Shut up!

HULK: LOOK, LOOK SORRY GUYS. HULK JUST WANTED TALK. IT IMPORTANT. THESE MOVIES REALLY AFFECT HOW PEOPLE FEEL AND THINK ABOUT US. WE THE AVENGERS. WE IMPORTANT AND STUFF. AND WITH THOR MOVIE, NO MATTER HOW ENJOYABLE AND EARNEST, IT STILL SLIGHT AND HALF-BAKED. HULK COULD TOTALLY UNDERSTAND SOMEONE SHRUGGING SHOULDERS TO IT, OR EVEN DISLIKING. HULK SURMISE, ONE’S ENJOYMENT OF HULK DEPEND HOW FORGIVING THEY ARE. AND IN THAT CASE, SOCIETY NEED HINDSIGHT, EVEN THOSE RANDOM VIEWS ON HBO YEARS LATER. SO, HULK WILL WAIT AND SEE. THOR EITHER BIG SILLY FUN OR BIG SILLY STUPIDITY. TIME TELL.

[HULK finally looks up from the ground. Everyone has now left. Save for Betty stands there, alone, still by the HULK’S side. HULK swells with emotion and looks back toward the ground]

HULK: SORRY… HULK JUST LIKE MOVIES.

Betty: It’s okay. I do too.

HULK: … GUESS HULK AND BETTY WALKING.

Betty: Yup, but not too high. I’ll barf.

HULK: OKAY. WHAT DID BETTY THINK OF FEMINIST IMPLICATIONS OF JANE’S SLIGHT ROLE IN MOVIE. I MEAN HULK-

Betty: I’ll tell you on the way.

HULK: OKAY.

[With one heave, HULK puts giant HULK arm around Betty and jumps off into the horizon]

THANKS UNIVERSE, NOW HULK REPULSED BY STAR WARS

LET GET THIS OUT OF WAY, HULK ONCE THE BIGGEST STAR WARS FAN EVER.

HULK GREW UP ON THE MOVIES. CHERISHED EVERY VIEWING. HULK PLAYED EVERY GAME, KNEW EVERY NAME OF SHIP, THEIR CLASS, AND DESIGNER. HULK KNEW EVERY BLASTER, CITY, PLANET, AND SYSTEM. YOU NAME IT, HULK KNEW IT. HULK PLAYED X-WING. TIE FIGHTER. X-WING VS. TIE FIGHTER. ALL THE REBEL ASSAULTS. EVERY DARK FORCES/JEDI KNIGHT. THE TERRIBLE MOVIE TIE-IN GAMES, THE LEGO SERIES. HULK EVEN READ BIG CHUNKS OF EXTENDED UNIVERSE (BUT RARELY ENJOYED). TO BOOT, HULK HAVE EXCELLENT LONG TERM MEMORY AND JUST AS HULK REMEMBER LOTS OF THIS USELESS DATA, IE HULK CAN RECITE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOSSK’S STANDARD RIFLE AND HIS CONCUSSION RIFLE FROM THE GAMES… YUP, IT THAT NERDY.

MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT BOND HULK WITH FATHER, BROTHER, AND FRIENDS AT SCHOOL. THERE BLOOD TIES TO THIS THING.

BUT NOW… HULK DONE.

IT TOOK A LOT FOR THIS HAPPEN: THREE ATROCIOUS PREQUEL MOVIES, WHICH HULK FIRST ATTEMPTED TO DEFEND OUT OF SOME KIND OF MOROSE SENSE OF HONOR. IT TAKE HUNDREDS OF ANGRY, ANGRY FANS GIVING HULK CRAP WHEN HULK TRY BRING UP EVEN THE SLIGHTEST NITPICK, FANS WHO NO UNDERSTAND A SINGLE CINEMATIC COMPONENT OF ANYTHING. IT TAKE TIME AND PERSPECTIVE. IT TAKE MATURATION. IT TAKE SOME ASSHOLE STEALING HULK’S 70’S/80’S ERA STAR WARS TOYS FROM THE HOUSE. IT TOOK THE LUCAS LICENSING FIRM TO GO FROM JUST BEING OPPORTUNISTIC TO OUTRIGHT GLUTTONOUS. IT TOOK THE WELL-CRAFTED PIONEERING NATURE OF LUCASARTS GAMING BECOME A RUSHED-PRODUCTION NIGHTMARE OF HALF-THOUGHT-OUT SHIT PILES. IT TOOK TERRIBLE TV SERIES, THREE FAMILY GUY PARODIES, THREE ROBOT CHICKEN PARODIES,  AND APPROXIMATELY 40,000 INTERNET VIDEOS WHICH SHARE THE OCCASIONAL WELL-OBSERVED. BUT MOSTLY THE VIDEOS OPERATE AS SOME KIND OF NONSENSICAL AND INANE POP CULTURE MASH-UP… IT TAKE A VADER APPEARANCE IN NIGHT AT THE FUCKING MUSEUM 2.

EVERY BIT OF CLEVERNESS AND JOY HAVE BECOME NOTHING BUT A RECYCLING OR RECYCLING OF RECYCLING. HULK ENJOYED THESE BITS LESS AND LESS FREQUENTLY OVER TIME AND NOW THERE JUST NOTHING THERE. NO REACTION. HULK FIND NOTHING CUTE ABOUT ANY OF IT. HULK SEEN EVERY PARODY IMAGINABLE. IT JUST SEEM SO PAVLOVIAN, SO HOLLOW. LIKE THE SATURATION POINT = LONG SINCE PAST. FAMILIARITY INDEED BREED CONTEMPT… AND STAR WARS NOW BEYOND FAMILIAR. NOT JUST THE PROPERTY, BUT EVERY PERMUTATION, INTERPRETATION, OBSERVATION, AND JOKE.

SO HULK JUST DONE.

THE FEELING NOT NEW. HULK HAVE FRIENDS WHO REACH THAT POINT IN LAST FEW YEARS AND HULK ALWAYS DEFEND IN SOME WAY EVEN THOUGH HULK STARTED FEELING SAME WAY. HULK SAY “YEAH, IT SO TIRED NOW BUT PEOPLE STILL ENJOY IT. NO NEED CRAP ON IT!” HULK ALWAYS TRY TO HUMANIZE AND APPROXIMATE THE STAR WARS EXPERIENCE.

BUT TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPEN.

HULK FIND HULKSELF IN MIDST OF “STAR WARS DAY” … HULK FIND THIS ODD CAUSE HULK NEVER FREAKING HEARD OF IT BEFORE. AT FIRST HULK TRY GET THROUGH IT. HULK SEE A FEW CLEVER WELL-MEANING JOKES ONLINE. BUT ULTIMATELY HULK HAVE TURN OFF TWITTER, WHICH SUDDENLY ALIVE WITH STAR WARS NONSENSE. HULK BASICALLY SHUT OFF INTERNET AND JUST IGNORE WHAT MAKING HULK ANGRY…. REALLY… REALLY ANGRY.

WHEN HULK FINALLY START AFTERNOON WORK ROUTINE AND TURN ON ESPN… THEY ALL THERE… BOBA FETT… STORMTROOPERS… VADER.

HULK SMASHED TV AND HURL IT INTO HORIZON (READ: HULK JUST SWEAR LOUDLY AND SHUT IT OFF).

THIS NOT SOME TEMPERAMENTAL, A.D.D. REACTION. THIS NOT GETTING SICK OF SOMETHING IN SIX SECONDS. THIS NOT THE ENJOY-AND-DISPOSE CULTURE AT WORK. IT YEARS OF BUILDUP. WHAT HULK ONCE FELT STAUNCHLY DUTY-BOUND TO DEFEND, HULK NOW WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH.

STAR WARS ONCE SHINING LIGHT IN HULK’S LIFE. BUT IT GONE SUPERNOVA, EXTINGUISHED INTO NOTHINGNESS, REPLACED BY BLACK HOLE OF CULTURAL NADIR.

NOW IF EXCUSE, HULK GONNA START WATCHING DR. WHO NOW.