THE OLD ADAGE ABOUT IRISH PLAYS IS THAT THEY COULD END AT ANY POINT IN THE STORY AND IT WOULDN’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
WE OFFICIALLY HAVE THE IRISH PLAYS OF FANTASY LITERATURE.
FIRST OFF, A DANCE WITH DRAGONS, THE FIFTH BOOK IN GEORGE R.R. MARTIN’S SONG OF ICE AND FIRE SERIES, IS MUCH, MUCH BETTER THAN ITS PREDECESSOR A FEAST FOR CROWS. BUT IN THE INTEREST OF BEING A COMPLETE DICK, SO ARE MOST THINGS.(1) BUT THAT OKAY. HULK WILL TAKE A MARKED IMPROVEMENT OVER REGRESSION ANY DAY OF WEEK.
PERHAPS THE SINGULAR REASON THE NEW BOOK SO MUCH BETTER THAT WE NOW BACK WITH ALL THE GOOD CHARACTERS: DAENERYS, TYRION, JON SNOW, THAT OTHER GUY(2), AND HEY THEON’S BACK! YOU REMEMBER ALL THOSE CHARACTERS, RIGHT? THE ONES WITH PERSONALITY AND RANGE OF EMOTION AND THE STUFF THAT MAKES US WANT READ THINGS. FUCK, EVEN BRAN HAS SOME NICE PARTS IN THIS ONE.
BUT MR. MARTIN GOES ONE BETTER THAN MERELY BRINGING THEM BACK AND ACTUALLY GIVES THEM STUFF TO DO! HE EVEN HAS THE GALL TO MAKE CHAPTERS HAVE RELATIVE POINTS, FURTHER DEVELOP HIS CHARACTERS, AND ADVANCE THE PLOT. SERIOUSLY! HULK KNOW! AFTER THE CROWS DISASTER HE ALMOST MAKES THE CONCEPT OF NARRATIVE FEEL REVOLUTIONARY.
FOR INSTANCE, THE BEST PART OF DRAGONS THAT TYRION’S JOURNEY = AN ACTUAL JOURNEY. EACH ONE OF HIS CHAPTERS FOCUS ON NEW PART OF HIS TRAVELS, OFTEN WITH NEW, INTERESTING CHARACTERS BEING INVOLVED. THERE CONSTANT THREATS TO HIS PERSON YET EACH CHAPTER FEEL UNIQUE IN WAY THAT MAKE THE WHOLE THING WORK. AND THE INCLUSION OF PENNY EVEN SEEMS TO ORGANICALLY CHANGE HIS CHARACTER’S STUBBORN AND SELF-CENTERED VIEWPOINT… A BIT. (3) BEST YET, EACH ONE OF HIS CHAPTERS IMBUED WITH REAL NARRATIVE DIRECTION. IT BY FAR THE BEST PART OF THE BOOK.
THEN THERE DAENERYS(4) WHO AT THE END OF A STORM OF SWORDS STAYED TO RULE MEREEN AND NOW WE GET TO SEE WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WITH ALL THAT. HULK WAS HONESTLY EXCITED ABOUT PROSPECT. DANY’S TRANSITION FROM HER MEEK START IN A GAME OF THRONES THROUGH HER RISE TO GLORY AT THE END OF SWORDS BY FAR THE BEST THING ABOUT THE BOOKS. HER CHARACTER HAVE THE BEST ARC OUT OF ANYONE AND IT SUPER-DUPER COMPELLING.(5)
BUT REALLY WHAT WONDERFUL HOW MUCH DANY’S CHAPTERS SET HER APART FROM WHAT MARTIN DID WITH CERSEI’S RULE IN CROWS. DANY’S RULE LITTERED WITH INTRIGUE, THREATS, DEATH, AFFAIRS, BABY-EATING AND OTHER INTERESTING STUFF. PLUS, IT A SURPRISINGLY NICE TAKE ON THE COMPLEXITY OF RULING POLITICS. MEANWHILE, CERSEI’S RULE PRETTY MUCH JUST COMPRISED HER SAYING BITCHY THINGS IN HER MIND AND NOT REALLY DOING MUCH OF ANYTHING. THEN WE JUST WATCH THAT IDIOT TUMBLE IN SLOW MOTION AFTER A SERIES OF BORING, REALLY STUPID HIRES/MOVES. HULK COULD BUY ALL THIS AS WAY OF SHOWING HOW DANY COMPETENT AND CERSEI NOT, BUT THAT A BIT OF A STRETCH (THERE’S NO JUXTAPOSITION AND NO ECONOMY). AND BEST OF ALL, WHEN DANY’S RULE STARTS TO BLOW UP IN ALL SORTS OF DRAGON-Y GOODNESS, SER BARRISTAN WHIPS OUT HIS HUGE GONADS AND STARTS TAKING CARE OF SHIT. IT GREAT.
JON SNOW HAS SOME NICE POLITICKING AT THE WALL TOO. HULK ACTUALLY HUGE FAN OF HIS MOVES ON THE WALL, UNDERSTANDING THAT THE WILDLINGS HAVE TO COME OVER BECAUSE EVERY LIVING BODY ON THAT SIDE OF THE WALL JUST A WIGHT/ENEMY WAITING TO HAPPEN. SO HULK LIKED IT ALL HONESTLY. THE GIANTS. THE WILDINGS. THE BANK GUY. HIS PLAN WITH MANCE. THE RESENTING MEMBERS OF THE NIGHTS WATCH. AND THEN… WELL… WE’LL GET TO HIS ENDING LATER.
AND THEON! THEON’S BACK EVERYONE! REMEMBER THEON! THAT IMPORTANT CHARACTER WHO ALL BUT FUCKING DISAPPEARED FOR SOME REASON HULK CAN NO EVEN REMEMBER? WELL, HE BACK! AND HE NUTS. NOT LIKE NUTS = AWESOME, BUT LIKE NUTS = CRAZY PERSON. TURNS OUT HE BEEN LEFT IN DOWN RAMSEY BOLTON’S DUNGEON TO STARVE AND BE FLAYED AND ALL SORTS OF OTHER HORROR. HE MISSING FINGERS AND TEETH AND THINGS. ANYCRAP, HE NOW RETURNED TO BE AN INTEGRAL PART OF ALMOST EVERY SINGLE THING GOING ON THIS BOOK… IT SORT OF WEIRD.
OH, AND THEON ALSO GETS TO HAVE THE OBLIGATORY STUPID, REPETITIVE GEORGE R.R. MARTIN-ISM THIS GO-ROUND WITH HIS WHOLE “REEK, REEK, IT RHYMES WITH ____” THING … IT ANNOYING BUT AT LEAST IT NOT ABOUT NIPPLES.
EVEN BRAN DOING STUFF! THERE ACTUALLY A PRETTY GNARLY WIGHT ATTACK AND THEN HE GET TO DO SOME PRETTY COOL THINGS IN A CAVE WHERE HE SEE THE WORLD NOW THROUGH A BIG TREE… HULK SERIOUS. HE HOOKIN UP WITH THE CHILDREN OF THE FOREST AND IT ALL TIGHT + ECONOMICAL + MYTHOLOGY-INVOLVED. PLUS HE GETS MOMENT THAT REMINDS HULK OF THE BEST ONION BY-LINE EVER WRITTEN.
AND DAMMIT IF THE RE-INTRODUCTION OF VARYS ISN’T THE BOOK’S SAVING THROW.
PLUS THERE A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE! LIKE THE TOAD-LIKE MARTELL PRINCE WHO SORTA DUMB AND SWEET, BUT HAS ONE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BAD IDEA. THEN ANOTHER TARGARYEN HEIR SHOWS UP. AND HE WITH SOME COOL, OLD GUY CALLED THE GRIFFIN. PLUS THERE BUNCH OF OF PEOPLE FROM LAST BOOK WHO SHOW UP: STANNIS HAS REALLY NEAT IDEA TO ROUND UP THE HIGHLAND CLANS FOR HIS WAR, BUT THEN THINKS HE CAN MARCH THROUGH A BLIZZARD. ARYA GOES THROUGH THIS BLINDNESS TEST, STARTS TO GET HER WARG ON, GETS EMBRACED BY HER FACE-CHANGING CULT, AND THEN KILLS A DUDE. AND JEYNE POOL GETS A REALLY, REALLY, REALLY AWFUL COMEUPPANCE FOR PRETENDING TO BE ARYA. PLUS SOME OTHER STUFF!
AND THAT WHY HULK REALLY FELT THIS ONE AN IMPROVEMENT OVER LAST ONE. STUFF HAPPENS! IT A LOT OF IT = SIGNIFICANT, IMPORTANT, INTERESTING, AND GOOD.
GEORGE R.R. HAPPY!
BUT…
THERE STILL THE BIG PROBLEMS…THE KIND OF PROBLEMS THAT ENSURE THAT A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE WILL ULTIMATELY JUST END UP A ZERO SUM GAME.
LET’S FACE IT FOLKS. THERE NEVER GOING TO BE A COHESIVE NARRATIVE TO THIS FUCKER. MARTIN KEEPS ARRANGING ELEMENTS WHERE WE GO “COOL! NOW THIS SET UP NARRATIVE TO ALL CLASH TOGETHER AND CREATE INTERESTING CONFLICTS.” BUT NO. THAT NOT HAPPEN. THINGS NEVER LINE UP. OUR CHARACTERS NEVER GET TO FACE THE CONFLICTS THEY SEEK. THINGS FIZZLE OUT. SOMETHING COMPLETELY RANDOM COMES IN THE WAY. AND AS RESULT ALL DRAMATIC TENSION RELEASED.
THEY STORIES SOMEHOW MANAGE TO BE COMPLETELY MYOPIC (HE SO FOCUSED ON DIVING INTO THE SCENE AT HAND THAT HE LOSE TRACK OF THE NARRATIVE STEAM HAPPENING ELSEWHERE IN THE STORY) AND YET HE ALSO AIM FOR SOME REALLY STRANGE LONG-FORM REVEALS. HULK GUESS HE JUST TRYING TO RAM HOME THE LENNON-ESQUE BELIEVE THAT “LIFE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE MAKING OTHER PLANS.” OR WAIT, WAIT. HULK GOT ANOTHER ONE THAT BETTER: “IF YOU WANT TO MAKE GOD LAUGH, TELL HIM YOUR PLANS.” …OR SOMETHING… BASICALLY IF YOU EVER MAKE ANY SORT OF PLAN FOR LIFE IN THIS THINGS YOU’RE FUCKED.(6)
SO MAYBE MARTIN JUST TRYING TO PROVE THAT LIFE COMPRISED OF NOTHING BUT RANDOM, NON-STOP HORRIBLE-NESS… FINE. BUT THE WAY THESE ACCIDENTS STRUCTURED REMOVE ALL SENSE OF WEIGHT FROM THE NARRATIVE. WHICH MEAN IT NOT THAT LIFE HAS NO TRUE PURPOSE, BUT THAT THE ARC HAS NO TRUE PURPOSE. EACH EVENT IN THE STORY ULTIMATELY JUST MEANS THE SAME THING AS ANY OTHER DULL EVENT. IT JUST LIKE THE IRISH PLAYS. BAD THINGS KEEP HAPPENING AND THEY GO ON AND ON AND ON AND THE “ENDING” SEEMS JUST AS RANDOM. KNOW WHY EVERYONE LIKE DANY SO MUCH? BECAUSE SHE A CHARACTER WITH A JOURNEY AND ARC. THAT PRETTY MUCH IT. ALMOST EVERY OTHER CHARACTER BASICALLY BEEN SLOGGING THROUGH NONSENSE FROM THE START OF THE SECOND BOOK, WITH NO REAL SENSE OF ENDING AND BEGINNING, NO PUNCTUATION MARKS… IT THE IRISH PLAYS OF FANTASY.
PICTURED: THE CRIPPLE OF INISHMAAN... LIKE ONE PERSON WILL GET THIS REFERENCE
HERE’S WHY THAT SUCH A BIG PROBLEM: IF THIS THE GOAL OF THE BOOKS TO PROVE THAT LIFE IS A RANDOM, NON-STOP HORROR, THEN IT STILL FAILING AT EXHIBITING THAT. WHY? BECAUSE THERE STILL A WAY TO SHOW THAT NEGATIVE WORLD VIEW IN A DRAMATIC WAY. FOR EXAMPLE, THERE’S THE WIRE. WHILE THAT SHOW FAR MORE CONCERNED WITH THE CAUSE/EFFECT OF PERSONAL CHOICES AND THEIR EFFECT ON OTHERS (THESE BOOKS SEEM TO SAY IT MUCH MORE RANDOM) THE SHOW STILL EXPOSED A WORLD OF CYCLICAL INSTITUTIONAL HORRIBLE-NESS. LIKE MARTIN’S BOOKS, THERE WERE THOSE WHO WERE WELL-MEANING AND THOSE WHO WERE DESTRUCTIVE, BUT BECAUSE THE SHOW INTRINSICALLY UNDERSTOOD THE PRINCIPALS OF DRAMA, THEY MADE THE THEMES + STORY FUCKING ENTHRALLING.
NEED PROOF THESE BOOKS NO UNDERSTAND DRAMA? LET’S GET SPECIFIC. DANCE WITH DRAGONS CONFIRMS ALL THE BIG PROBLEMS IN SERIES MAY NOW JUST PLAGUE THEM FOREVER. FOR EXAMPLE… ACTUALLY… YOU KNOW WHAT?
THERE MAY BE BETTER WAY TO APPROACH THIS…
IT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME FOR AN INTERVENTION WITH GEORGE .R.R. MARTIN. WHAT YOU SAY? WE ALL CARE ABOUT HIM, RIGHT? THERE ENOUGH GOOD STUFF IN THIS SERIES THAT IT WORTH SAVING. HECK, WE ALL FEEL LIKE FRIENDS AND FAMILY HERE, HAVING GOTTEN A GOOD LOOK INTO MARTIN’S MESSED-UP PSYCHE. AND HULK THINK MR. MARTIN REDEEMABLE FOR SURE. ALL PEOPLE ARE. SO HERE GOES…
HEY GEORGE! HULK KNOW YOU STILL MAD AT HULK ABOUT THAT LAST ARTICLE. HULK SORRY. BUT HULK REALLY PROUD THAT YOU START TO TURN THINGS AROUND WITH THIS BOOK. THE PROBLEM THAT HULK STILL WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND THE DIRECTION OF THE SERIES. SO TO ADDRESS THIS, HERE ARE SEVEN PIECES OF ADVICE:
1) STOP RESOLVING NARRATIVES SO LATE THAT NO ONE GIVES A FUCK.
WHO COULD FORGET THAT NEAR-ABSURD MOMENT IN SWORDS WHERE SUDDENLY WE TREATED TO THE REVEAL OF WHO GAVE THE DAGGER THAT WAS USED TO TRY AND KILL BRAN? IT WAS SUCH AN AMAZING “HULK COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THAT” MOMENT, SOON FOLLOWED BY ANOTHER REVEAL OF WHO KILLED JON ARRYN. TWO MYSTERIES FROM THE FIRST BOOK, FINALLY DEALT WITH IN THE THIRD, AND DONE SO IN THE MOST UNDRAMATIC WAY POSSIBLE. SADLY, THIS KIND OF REVEAL HAS BECOME COMPLETELY PAR FOR THIS SERIES.
FOR INSTANCE, IN THE LAST HALF OF DRAGONS, MARTIN SUDDENLY START OFFERING UP ALL THE PSEUDO-CONCLUSIONS TO THE STORIES LAID OUT IN CROWS. WHICH, YOU KNOW, COMPLETELY ROBS THEM OF ANY NARRATIVE WEIGHT SINCE THEY ARRIVE AFTER THE SENSE OF TENSION BEEN LIFTED OUT OF THEIR STORIES. REMEMBER HOW THAT BOOK CAME OUT FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO? YEAH. CERSEI’S WALK OF SHAME WOULDA BEEN MUCH MORE RESONANT/CATHARTIC/HARROWING AFTER SUFFERING THROUGH ALL THE CRAP DECISIONS IN HER RULE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE CLIMACTIC POINT TO A STORY THAT TOOK HUNDREDS OF PAGES TO TELL. AND THEN THERE THE MATTER THAT MOST PEOPLE FORGOT ARYA WOKE UP BLIND AT THE END OF LAST BOOK, SO IT DIDN’T MATTER HAVING IT FINALLY BE ADDRESSED. AND POOR BRIENNE, WHOSE STORY STILL UNRESOLVED AFTER THIS NEW BOOK AND WHO APPARENTLY DOING ALL SORTS OF INTERESTED THINGS ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE NARRATIVE. UGH. AND SAMWELL? HE NOT EVEN MENTIONED. THAT OTHER GUY, DAVOS? HE GET INVOLVED IN SOME KIND OF COOL PLAN WITH MANDERLY AT WHITE HARBOR THEN PROMPTLY DISAPPEARS FROM THE BOOK. SANSA? IN CROWS WE LEFT WITH A COOL PLAN AND THE INCLINATION FOR A GRAND REVEAL, BUT IT STILL NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HAPPENING. AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CROW’S EYE? HE GOT PRETTY BAD ASS INTRO IN LAST BOOK AND HE NOT IN THIS AT ALL. THESE DECISIONS ALL DEEPLY PROBLEMATIC FOR THE DRAMA OF THE STORY.
AND GOOD GOD, THEON. THE REINTRODUCTION TO THEON ACTUALLY STARTLING AND RATHER WELL-DONE, BUT DUE TO THE LENGTH WHICH HE BEEN GONE IT END UP PUTTING READER IN REALLY WEIRD EMOTIONAL PLACE. THE SHIT WITH WINTERFELL FEEL LIKE HAPPENED SO LONG AGO THAT THERE NO LONGER ANY CONFLICTED RESENTMENT. YOU JUST BASICALLY FEEL AWFUL FOR HIM. HIS TURN-CLOAKING ON OUR BELOVED CHARACTERS HAPPENED SO LONG AGO THAT WHO GIVES FUCK? AND LOOK, HULK TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT WE SUPPOSED TO FEEL AWFUL FOR HIM BECAUSE HE BEEN THROUGH HELL WITH RAMSEY, BUT DRAMATICALLY-SPEAKING WE SHOULD BE COMING AROUND ON HIM. INSTEAD, IT BEEN SO LONG THAT WE JUST INSTANTLY FEEL BAD FOR HIM RIGHT FROM THE START. IT COMPLETELY WRONG TONE. A TOTAL MISFIRE.
2) STOP TRYING TO DEFY EXPECTATIONS ALL THE TIME
AND HERE THE REAL RUB ABOUT #1, ALL THOSE NARRATIVES THAT YOU PUT ON THE BACK BURNER? MOST OF TIME THEY WILL NEVER GET ADDRESSED.
HULK GET WHY YOU TRYING TO DEFYING EXPECTATIONS ALL THE TIME. DOING SO GAVE YOU THE SIGNATURE MOMENT OF THE SERIES (NED’S MOMENT AT BAELOR), BUT YOUR INCESSANT NEED TO KEEP DOING IT WITH EVERYTHING SINGLE PLOT TOTALLY RUINING THE SERIES. KNOW WHAT MAKES DEFYING EXPECTATIONS SO GOOD? THAT IT UNEXPECTED. SO WHEN IT HAPPEN IN EVERY PLOT-LINE IT THEN BECOME, YOU KNOW, EXPECTED. WHICH BASICALLY MEAN YOU TAKE PROVERBIAL DUMP ON THE CONCEPT OF DRAMA BECAUSE WE ALREADY KNOW THINGS ARE LIKELY GOING TO GO TO SHIT AT ANY POSSIBLE SECOND. WE READ THE ENDLESS SLOG AND JUST SITTING THERE WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP.
BUT INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT HOW TO INJECT DRAMA, YOU WORRY ABOUT FINDING NEW WAYS TO DEFY-EXPECTATIONS WITH CHEAP MANEUVERS. LIKE IN THIS BOOK WE SUDDENLY INTRODUCED TO A NEW TARGARYEN OFFSPRING. HE DEALT WITH ECONOMICALLY AND HULK GUESS IN SOMEWHAT INTERESTING WAY TO BE INTRODUCED (SORT OF), BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN HE THE ONE WREAKING HAVOC IN WESTEROS WITH SOME OTHER GUY new CALLED THE GRIFFIN. EXPECTATION-DEFYING? SURE. BUT IT SO NEW AND NOT BUILT ON ANY SORT OF DRAMATIC FOUNDATION THAT IT HAVE NO REAL MEANING TO US… IT JUST SORT OF THIS THING THAT HAPPENING.
AND DON’T EVEN GET HULK STARTED ON FACT THAT ALL THE DRAMA HAPPEN OFF-PAGE. ROOSE BOLTON TAKES DOWN STANNIS’ HOST AND WE FIND OUT IN A LETTER (MAYBE, YET ANOTHER ONE OF THE ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES OF FAKE OUTS, BUT LET US ASSUME IT TRUE). IT COMPLETE OVER-COMMITMENT TO CATCHING THE READER OFF GUARD INSTEAD OF MAKING THINGS DRAMATIC. WOULDN’T A SCENE OF BOLTON GETTING STANNIS BEEN WONDERFUL TO READ AFTER ALL THE BUILDUP? HULK FUCKING SURE OF IT. AND IT NOT LIKE MARTIN CAN’T WRITE THESE SEQUENCES (FOR A GUY WHO USES VERY LITTLE ACTION, HE ACTUALLY VERY, VERY GOOD AT WRITING ACTION). AND IT NOT EVEN NEED ACTION, JUST A TENSE MEETING.
IT THE CORE FUNDEMENTAL ASPECT OF DRAMA: SHOW DON’T FUCKING TELL. AND YET IN ORDER TO CONSTRUCT THESE LAME, BLUNT “SURPRISES” HE JUST TELLS THE MAJOR-MOMENTS OF THE STORY OFF-SCREEN AND AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. (6B) IMAGINE IF NED’S MOMENT WAS RELAYED IN A LETTER!
AND JUST SO YOU KNOW GEORGE, HULK NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE TIMES YOU TRY TO SHOCKING US (THAT A LATER POINT).
SOME MAY ARGUE HULK BEING PUNY-MINDED AND NOT SEEING THE BIGGER PICTURE OF HOW INGENIOUS MARTIN IS AT TELLING HIS STORY. THAT HE PLAYING HULK PERFECTLY AND HULK TOO CAUGHT UP IN CONVENTIONAL DRAMA AESTHETICS. THAT MAYBE HULK CAN JUST NO TAKE IT WHEN AUTHOR “NO DO SOMETHING HULK NO LIKE.”
SERIOUSLY? THAT WHAT YOU THINK GOING ON HERE? BULLSHIT. THESE BOOKS CONSTRUCT THE DRAMA BEYOND POORLY. END OF STORY.
3) DON’T MAKE EVERY CHAPTER EXACTLY 18-20 PAGES
THERE THIS WEIRD THING YOU DO WHERE ALMOST EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER EXACTLY 18-20 PAGES IN EVERY SINGLE BOOK. IT PRETTY BIZARRE (NOTE: IN THE HARDBACK EDITIONS WITH BIGGER PAGES IT COME OUT TO 16 OR SO, WHICH 18-20 IN THE PAPERBACKS). IT NOT NECESSARILY INDICATIVE OF AN INHERENT PROBLEM AND IT KIND OF NICE GETTING TO KNOW THE CHARACTERS BY SPENDING SO MUCH TIME WITH THEM. BUT IT DEFINITELY LEADING TO MOST OF THE STORY BLOAT GOING ON HERE. MOST OF THE TIME IT JUST SEEM LIKE YOU FILLING IN GAPS BEFORE YOU GET TO THE POINT OF CHAPTERS. SOMETIMES IT WORK OUT WELL, LIKE WITH THE TYRION CHAPTERS WHERE A LOT HAVE TO HAPPEN IN ORDER TO GET FROM POINT A TO POINT B. BUT MOST OF THE TIME IT JUST COMPLETELY ANNOYING. THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE CERSEI CHAPTERS CAN BE 8 PAGES AT MOST. AND BETTER YET, BREAKING UP THE CHAPTERS WOULD GIVE YOU BETTER OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY WITH FORM AND TIMING A BIT. A CHANCE TO LAYER THE NARRATIVE AND ACTION IN MORE CONSTRUCTIVE WAY. IT WOULD PROBABLY ALLOW YOU TO INCLUDE THE PARTS YOU WANT TO WRAP UP TOO. SO QUIT THE O.C.D. NONSENSE AND STOP MAKING EVERY CHAPTER 18-20 PAGES BECAUSE YOU’RE RUINING THE STORY.
4) STOP DOING CLIFFHANGERS
YOU WRITE 1000 PAGE BOOKS. NOT WEEKLY SERIALS. YOU UNDERSTAND THE BASIC DIFFERENCE RIGHT? AFTER A READER SLOG THROUGH 1000 PAGES OF HEDGE NIGHT NAMES AND IN-DEPTH NIPPLE DESCRIPTION THEY DON’T WANT INCONCLUSIVE WTF GARBAGE TO CAP THE STORY. THAT STUFF WORKS AT THE END OF TRUE BLOOD. IT NOT WORK AT THE END OF YOUR HALF-DECADE-LY MINI-OPUSES. AN 1000 PAGE BOOK THAT COMES OUT EVERY 6 YEARS SHOULD, BY SHEER REQUIREMENT, BE REGARDED AS A SINGULAR AND SATIFYING EXPERIENCE ONTO ITSELF, EVEN IT IT PART OF A LARGER STORY. THERE JUST NO SENSE IN USING A CLIFFHANGER BECAUSE YOU LOSING THE ONLY THING THAT VALUE . HULK WILL COME BACK TO A SERIES 6 YEARS LATER BECAUSE IT GOOD, NOT BECAUSE HULK WANTED TO KNOW WHATEVER THE FUCK HAPPENED TO SO AND SO.
THINK ABOUT IT. THE BEST TV SHOWS KNOW THAT CLIFFHANGERS WORK GREAT IN WEEK-TO-WEEK EPISODES BUT COME OFF ENRAGING IN SEASON FINALES.(7) THE BEST SEASON FINALES RESOLVE THE MAIN ISSUES AT PLAY AND YET LEAVE THE VIEWER WITH A TASTE OF THE PROBLEMS TO COME IN THE NEXT YEAR. WHICH, YOU KNOW, EXACTLY WHAT YOUR AWESOME FIRST BOOK DID (AND LO AND BEHOLD IT WORKED GREAT IN THE TV SERIES). THINK ABOUT IT: IF CLIFFHANGERS WORK REALLY POORLY IN SEASON FINALES, THEY WORK EVEN WORSE IN 1000 PAGE BOOKS THAT COME OUT EVERY 6 YEARS… SO STOP IT.
5) STOP DOING PROLOGUES THAT BRING UP NEW STORY ELEMENTS THAT ARE NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN.
REMEMBER THE PROLOGUES FROM THE FIRST FEW BOOKS? THE PROLOGUE IN THRONES FANTASTIC. IT INTRODUCE THE WIGHTS AND THEN LONE SURVIVOR IMMEDIATELY KILLED BY NED, WHICH INTEGRATES THE STORY IMMEDIATELY. BETTER YET, THE SURVIVOR’S WARNING NOT HEEDED. SO WHEN JON SNOW WENT TO THE OH-SO-DANGEROUS WALL WHILE THE REST OF THE KINGDOM SQUABBLED, IT WORKED BEAUTIFULLY IN TERMS OF DRAMA. IN A CLASH OF KINGS, WE INTRODUCED HAUNTINGLY TO STANNIS AND MELISSANDRE (WHO CARES ABOUT THE SPELLING) AND THEIR CRAZY LORD OR LIGHT FANATICISM, ALL OF WHICH MAJOR PARTS OF THE STORY. IN SWORDS WE INTRODUCED TO SOME NIGHT’S WATCHMEN PLANNING TO DESERT AND KILL SOME MAIN CHARACTERS, A PLOT WHICH LATER COMES TO CLIMAX LATER IN THE BOOK.
AND THEN FOR SOME REASON, THE PROLOGUE FOR CROWS HAVE THIS WEIRD THING ABOUT OLDTOWN AND THE MAESTERS AND A KID WHO DIES FOR SOME STRANGE REASON. THEN THE BOOK ENDS JUST BY REINTRODUCING THIS KID WHO WE GUESS ABOUT TO DIE OR BE IMPORTANT OR SOMETHING, BUT THAT LITERALLY ALL THAT HAPPEN. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANT. AND THE THE NEXT 1000 + PAGE BOOK FOLLOWS AND IT STILL NOT ADDRESSED WHATSOEVER. AT THIS POINT HULK COULD HONESTLY CARE LESS ABOUT WHAT IT MEANT. AND LASTLY, THERE THE PROLOGUE IN DRAGONS WHERE WE INTRODUCED TO A WILDLING WE BARELY/DON’T REMEMBER, VARAMYR SIXSKINS, AND HE DIE AND GO INTO SOME WOLF BUT THIS NOT REALLY RELEVANT TO ANYTHING IN ANY WAY. AT LEAST THAT WE KNOW OF SO FAR. ONE FRIEND TRIED TELL HULK THAT IT SETTING UP WHAT HAPPENING WITH BRAN, BUT ALL THE WAYS WARGS WORK ALREADY BEEN ESTABLISHED. THERE NO NEW INFORMATION. SO UNLESS THE WOLVES PLOT BECAME PART OF THIS BOOK IT JUST NOT RELEVANT. MAYBE IT WILL COME BACK NEXT BOOK BUT GUESS WHAT? HULK NOT REALLY CARE BECAUSE WE LIKE 9 YEARS AWAY FROM NEXT BOOK.
SO HOW ABOUT A PROLOGUE BEING BROUGHT BACK INTO THE SAME BOOK IN AN INTEGRAL WAY?
6) STOP WITH THE OBLIGATORY SHOCK VALUE
THIS, PERHAPS, THE BIGGEST ONE. HULK KNOW THIS ISSUE TIE INTO THE DEFYING EXPECTATIONS AND CLIFFHANGER PIECES OF ADVICE, BUT THIS COMMENT VERY SPECIFIC TO YOUR COMMITMENT SHOCK. AND YES, HULK MOST DEFINITELY TALKING ABOUT THE STABBING OF JON SNOW. ON ONE HAND, YOU COULD SUPPOSE THERE SOMETHING OF MERIT TO THE ACTION. HE HAD MADE SERIES OF ONGOING UNPOPULAR DECISIONS. HE HAD INSULATED HIMSELF AND SENT HIS BEST FRIENDS AWAY. HE HAD INVITED GIANTS INTO CAMP. AND HE ALWAYS EXPLAINED HIS REASONS FOR DOING SO VERY WELL INSIDE HIS HEAD, BUT NEVER THAT WELL TO HIS MEN (YOU KNOW, THE ONES HE HAD TO CONVINCE). SO YES, THESE ARE ALL THESE CONCEPTUAL REASONS THAT YOU COULD SUPPOSE A MUTINY WOULD MAKE SENSE.
BUT IT FELT LIKE YOU ONLY WROTE THE STABBING BECAUSE A) YOU WANTED TO SHOCK US OR B) YOU’RE SO IN ON “SHOCKING US” AT THIS POINT THAT YOU FELT LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO… BOTH OPTIONS HERE SUCK.
HULK MEAN, YOU COMPLETELY DESIGNED TO COME OUT OF NOWHERE, TO REPLICATED HOW IT FELT FOR JON HULK GUESS? UGH. THERE A CRUCIAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A READER BEING UNAWARE AND A CHARACTER BEING UNAWARE AND HOW THOSE ARE UTILIZED MATTER EXCEPTIONALLY. AND WORSE, HULK WENT OVER HOW IT WRITTEN, LIKE, FOUR TIMES AND IT ALL VERY VAGUE. YOU NOT EXACTLY SURE WHO DOING IT AND WHY. IT LIKE THE WHOLE THING DESIGNED TO MAKE US GO “OH NO! NOT JON!” AND NOTHING MORE. AND THIS OBVIOUSLY NOT THE FIRST SHOCK OFFENSE IN THE SERIES. THERE THE RED WEDDING (WHOSE AFTERMATH HANDLED PRETTY NICELY, BUT WHOSE BUILD-UP NON-EXISTENT). AND THEN THE DUMB FAKE-OUT KILLINGS OF ARYA, BRIENNE, ETC. LIKE THE DEFYING EXPECTATIONS, YOU SO CAUGHT UP IN TRYING TO SURPRISE THE READER COMPLETELY INSTEAD OF DRAMATIZING IT AND THEN SURPRISING US WITH A TURN.
SEE WHAT MADE THE NED STARK MOMENT SO GREAT THAT IT NOT RANDOM IN THE SLIGHTEST. THE WHOLE SCENE PLAYS OUT BEFORE US. WE HANG WITH THE MOMENTS OF TENSION. WE WONDER WILL IT/WON’T IT HAPPEN. BUT WE HAVE FAITH THAT IT WON’T, NOT BECAUSE IT NOT IMPOSSIBLE, NOT BECAUSE YOU’VE MISLED US, BUT BECAUSE WE WANT IT TO WORK OUT FOR NED. AND OUR WANTS ALWAYS WORK IN COORDINATION WITH THE ESCALATION OF CONFLICT. AND IN THE SCENARIO OF ACTUAL DRAMA THE BAD THINGS HAPPENING BECOME A TURN, SOMETHING WE EMOTIONAL AND SAD ABOUT, BUT STILL FEELS EARNED AND RESONANT. WHAT IT NOT IS A COMPLETE FUCKING SURPRISE.
BUT NO. INSTEAD YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE WE LOVED THE AUDACITY OF THAT NED STARK MOMENT THAT WE JUST SEEKING THE SAME HIGH. SO THE ONLY WAY TO RECAPTURE THE INTENSITY TO MAKE THE CRAZY MOMENTS OF KILLING OFF BELOVED CHARACTERS EVEN MORE EXTREME. THEY OCCUR AS COMPLETE F-ING NONSENSICAL SURPRISES AND THEN YOU JUST EXPLAIN THE HOWS LATER. IT ABSURD.
THINK ABOUT IT: WHAT IF YOU HAD THE MEN CORNER JON? IF YOU HAD THEM BUILD UP THE TENSION BEFORE THE STABBING HAPPEN? YES IT MIGHT BE LESS SURPRISING, BUT IT WILL BE DRAMATIC AND RESONANT. IT WOULD FEEL LIKE A CLIMAX OF A DRAMA YOU BUILT UP AND NOT A CHEAP SHOT.
AND REMEMBER THAT EVEN IF YOU DO IT WELL THERE STILL ONE INESCAPABLE FACT: IF THE HORRIBLE, RANDOM THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN LIFE MAKE US NOT CARE ABOUT OUR OWN LIVES, THEN THE HORRIBLE, RANDOM THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN YOUR BOOKS ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE US CARE ABOUT YOUR BOOKS.(7B)
LASTLY, 7) OWN YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN, YOU ARE THE FOLLOWING: A PLEASANT, AUDACIOUS, BEARDED FAT GUY WHO LIKES MASTERBATING TO YOUR OWN WRITING. AND THAT OKAY!. REALLY. HULK THINK EVERYONE ACCEPTED WHO YOU ARE. THEY ALSO ACCEPT THAT YOU MIGHT BE A CRUEL AND VINDICTIVE BASTARD WHO LIKE ROBBING YOUR READER OF ANY HAPPINESS. AND THAT OKAY TOO! WE CAN CHALK THIS UP TO A WORLD-VIEW IF WE HAVE TO AND DEAL WITH IT.
BUT WE WILL NOT ACCEPT YOU DEFLATING THE OVERALL STORY INTO LUKEWARM, INEFFECTUAL GARBAGE.
HULK WILL PERSONALLY NOT ACCEPT THIS.
WHY? BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU ARE MR. MARTIN? A GOOD (ENOUGH) WRITER. YOU SHOWED HULK WITH DRAGONS THAT YOU DIDN’T FORGET THE CONCEPT OF NARRATIVE STEAM AND HAVING POINTS TO CHAPTERS. WE EVEN KNOW THAT YOU CAN WRITE OUTSIDE OF THE WEIRD MYOPIC-FOCUS YOU’VE HAD GOING ON THESE LAST TWO BOOKS. WE KNOW THAT BECAUSE WE REMEMBER THE FIRST BOOK IN THIS SERIES. WE REMEMBER HOW THRONES HAD A TIGHTLY WRITTEN PLOT AND STORY ECONOMY. WE REMEMBER HOW YOU DIDN’T GET BOGGED DOWN IN DIVERSIONS. WE REMEMBER HOW IT PRETTY FRIGGEN GREAT.
BUT HULK NOT SURE YOU REMEMBER. INSTEAD OF ADHERING TO THOSE INITIAL PRE-FAME PRESSURES TO DELIVER A TIGHT STORY, YOU TOOK THE EXACT WRONG LESSON FROM THE BOOK’S SUCCESS AND GOT HUNG UP ON THE TANGIBLE DETAILS THAT BECAME THE BOOK’S TALKING POINTS: THE SHOCKING PEOPLE. THE SEX.(8) THE CRUELTY. THE UNSEEN DANGERS. AGAIN, HULK KNOW THESE ELEMENTS PART OF YOUR NATRUAL INCLINATION, BUT YOU SHOWED SUCH UNDERSTANDING OF DRAMA IN THAT FIRST BOOK. YOU CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD HOW TO MAKE HULK CARE IN THE FIRST PLACE AND NOT WITH MAKING THINGS SHINY OR HAPPY, BUT WITH WRITING A GOOD STORY. AND THAT THE WRITER’S RESPONSIBILITY.
SO IT TIME TO CARE ABOUT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. HULK WILL ACCEPT THESE TWO BOOK FOR ONE UNEVEN FAILED EXPERIMENT, BUT IT TIME TO FOCUS DOWN THE STRECTH. THE CONSECRATION OF THE OVERALL NARRATIVE COMES FIRST. THE SHOCK AND INCLINATIONS MUST COME SECOND.
AND LOOK, HULK LIKE THAT YOU TAKE YOUR TIME AND NO RUSH. RUSH JOBS ARE EVIDENT AND HORRIBLE TO READ. BUT YOU TOOK SIX YEARS TO WRITE THIS BOOK AND IT STILL LITTERED WITH KIND OF STORY CONSTRUCTION PROBLEMS YOU FIND IN RUSH JOBS. SO LET’S FACE IT. THESE BOOKS ARE NOT, NOR WILL EVER BE MASTERPIECES THAT TRANSCEND THE FANTASY GENRE. NOR SHOULD THEY STRIVE TO BE, BECAUSE THEIR CORE-IDENTITY = LONG-WINDED, MASTURBATORY FANTASY BOOKS WITH SOME GOOD CHARACTERS, A NICE SENSE OF POLITICAL INTRIGUE, AND THE WILLINGNESS TO GO DARKER THAN A LOT OF COMPARATIVE FANTASY. IT GREAT THAT YOU TRIED ADD THAT REALISTIC ELEMENT, REALLY, BUT YOU NOT TRYING TO DOCUMENT THE REALITIES OF MEDIEVAL LIFE. YOU TRYING TO WRITE EFFECTIVE FANTASY BOOKS.
YOU NOT TRYING WRITE THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL.
SO THERE.
HULK KNOW YOU WILL PROBABLY NEVER TAKE THIS ADVICE AND FIX THESE ISSUES, BUT HULK JUST THOUGHT HULK WOULD OFFER. HULK NOT WRITING THIS STUFF NOT OUT OF HATE, OR SPITE, OR BECAUSE HULK THINK YOU OWE HULK ANYTHING. HULK FULLY REALIZE HULK COULD JUST STOP READING AND THE PROBLEMS GO AWAY FOR GOOD. HULK DOING THIS BECAUSE THERE REALLY A LOT TO LIKE UNDERNEATH THE BIG PROBLEMS. AND BECAUSE MOST OF ALL, HULK WANT SEE YOU PROVE HULK WRONG AND KNOCK THE ENDING OF THIS SERIES OUT OF THE FREAKIN’ PARK.
A DANCE WITH DRAGONS PROVED TO HULK THAT YOU NOT A TERRIBLE WRITER.
BUT YOU MAY HAVE PROVED THIS WILL BE A TERRIBLE SERIES OF BOOKS.
ENDNOTES
(1) HERE’S THE LIST OF THINGS BETTER THAN A FEAST FOR CROWS: HATE CRIMES. YOUR HARD DRIVE CRASHING. “MY MOTHER THE CAR.” GOUT. GOING TO THE DENTIST. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU NEVER GO TO THE DENTIST. GETTING PUNCHED IN THE KIDNEY. OJ SIMPSON. YOUR LIFE BECOMING THE SUBJECT OF A DANNY BOYLE MOVIE. EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT LOTR BOOKS. PEANUT ALLERGIES. MTV REALITY SHOWS. SEEING YOUR PARENTS DO IT. DYSENTERY. TSUNAMIS. AND WHATEVER IS THE WESTEROS EQUIVALENT OF AIDS.
(2) THAT OTHER GUY ALWAYS = DAVOS. HOPEFULLY THEY GOT A GREAT “THAT GUY” TO PLAY HIM IN THE SHOW… WAIT… HULK GOING CHECK… HOLY SHIT! THEY DID! LIAM CUNNINGHAM! SWEET!
(3) IS IT HULK OR IS PENNY WRITTEN LIKE WHATEVER THE MINSTREL VERSION OF MIDGETS IS?
(4) CAN ANYONE ELSE NEVER SPELL HER FUCKING NAME RIGHT? THAT WHY HULK GO WITH DANY.
(5) HULK MADE WEIRD COMPARISON OF DANY ON TWITTER. ANYONE ELSE WATCH ON COMMUNITY? THE TRANSITION OF BRITTA PERRY FROM WHAT WE THOUGHT SHE GOING TO BE ON THAT SHOW INTO WHAT SHE TURNED OUT TO BE WAS ONE OF MOST GLORIOUS TV COMEDY TRANSITIONS EVER. AND IT VERY SIMILAR (IN TERMS OF OUR AUDIENCE EXPECTATION) TO WHAT HAPPENED WITH DANY… BUT REALLY THE COMPARISON KINDA STOP THERE… UM… THEY BOTH BLONDE?
(6) ALSO TRUSTING PEOPLE… TRUSTING PEOPLE APPARENTLY FOR SUCKERS.
(6B) “IT’S ALMOST LIKE (S)HE GETS OFF ON BEING WITHHOLDING.” REMIND YOU OF ANYTHING?
"NEVER DO THAT AGAIN."
(7) HULK UNDERSTAND THERE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEDIUMS AND THAT TV CAN GET AWAY WITH THINGS DIFFERENTLY. THIS TRUE AND HULK AWARE. STATEMENT STILL STANDS.
(7B) AND YES HULK KNOW JON SNOW COULD TOTALLY BE FINE. WHICH MAKES THIS EVEN MORE POINTLESS.
(8) HULK JUST REALIZED. FOR ALL THE SEXUAL RANGE OF CRAZINESS IN THESE BOOKS IT SEEM LIKE THEIR AN UNPROPORTIONAL LACK OF BLOWJOBS. ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THIS? JUST HULK? FINE. HULK’S THE WEIRDO. HULK JUST CURIOUS WHY THE GUY WHO FANTISIZES ABOUT EVERY CONCEIVABLE SEXUAL SCENARIO HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FANTISIZING INTEREST IN GETTING A BLOWY. IT WEIRD DAMMIT. MOVING ON!
RANDOM ENDNOTE #1: HULK REALIZE HULK BEING ASSHOLE IN THIS ARTICLE. SOMETIMES HULK DOES THAT. IT OKAY. AS LONG AS YA’LL UNDERSTAND IT NOT THE DEFAULT SETTING.
RANDOM ENDNOTE #2: HULK THINK THE ONLY REASON HULK STILL READING THESE BOOKS IS BECAUSE HULK THINK THE TV SERIES = MUCH, MUCH BETTER AND JUST WANT HAVE SENSE OF HOW THEY ADAPTING IT. PLUS IT FUN TO ANTICIPATE HOW THE SERIES GOING PLAY OUT BEFORE THEIR EYES. THE TRUTH IS A LOT OF THESE NARRATIVE PROBLEMS CAN BE ADAPTED TO TV SO, SO, SO, SO MUCH BETTER. PARTICULARLY THE AFOREMENTIONED SEX ELEMENT…
TONIGHT, HULK SAW THE LAST SCREENING OF MIRANDA JULY’S “THE FUTURE” AT HULK’S LOCAL CINEMA BEFORE IT DISAPPEARED FOR GOOD. HULK NO KNOW WHY HULK TOOK SO LONG. HULK MEANT SEE IT WHEN FIRST COME OUT, BUT TIME GOT AWAY FROM HULK (THIS ACTUALLY VERY PERTINENT TO THE THEMES OF MOVIES SO IT KIND OF FUNNY AND KIND OF TRAGIC ONCE YOU SEEN IT). THE THEATER ACTUALLY FULL OF PEOPLE WHO DID SAME EXACT THING AND RECOGNIZED LAST CHANCE. SO WHAT HULK THINK?
HULK LOVED IT.
THERE THIS WEIRD THING ABOUT MIRANDA JULY AND HOW LOTS OF PEOPLE DISMISS HER WORK AS QUAINT HIPSTERDOM. FIRST OFF, REFERRING TO SOMETHING AS HIPSTER NOT ACTUALLY MEAN ANYTHING BUT THAT A WHOLE SEPARATE COLUMN HULK GONNA DO SOMEDAY. BUT THE INTENTION TO MEAN THERE NO SUBSTANCE OR VALUE TO THE FILM AND IT ALL ABOUT THE WHIMSY OR SOMETHING.
THAT ASSUMPTION COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG.
THE FUTURE ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE MOVIES OF THE YEAR.
IT DEEPLY RESONANT. IT PRESENTS LARGE CONCEPTS, METAPHORS, SYMBOLS, ABOUT PSYCHOLOGY, SOCIOLOGY, AND THE HUMAN HEART. AT TIMES IT SHOWCASES PURE OBSERVATIONALISM, BOTH SKEWERING AND ADORING OUR MODERN TECHNOCRACY OR OUR TEPID CONNECTION TO THE EARTH. AND AT OTHER TIMES IT WILLING TO DIVE HEADLONG INTO GRAND GESTURES OF SURREALISM. EVEN IF IT SEEMS ALOOF, IT’S HONESTY ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS CAN CUT TO BONE.
TO SOME, IT MAY NOT BE READILY APPARENT. IT MAY SEEM COMPLETELY RANDOM: AWKWARD SEXUAL DANCE ROUTINES. A LITTLE GIRL BURYING HERSELF. ZACH MORRIS-LIKE TIME STOPPAGES. A TALKING MOON. A CAT NARRATING ITS HOPES FOR ADOPTION AND THE TITULAR “FUTURE.”
BUT IN TRUTH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE MOMENTS HAVE DEEP-TISSUE MEANING. A MEANING THAT CONNECTS TO FAMILIAR REAL-LIFE PROBLEMS OR UNIVERSAL TROPES. LIKE THE GIRL BURYING HERSELF? SHE A YOUNG GIRL WITH FATHER DATING SOME NEW WOMAN. SHE DEMANDS SECRECY FROM THE NEW WOMAN ABOUT HER INTENTIONS WHILE DIGGING THE HOLE. SHE PLACES HERSELF IN IT UP TO HER NECK. THEN THE FATHER SMILES AND SAYS TO THE NEW WOMAN TO JUST LEAVE HER BE. WHAT THIS CRAZINESS MEAN? IT MEAN SHE A YOUNG GIRL WHO EMOTIONALLY “BURYING HERSELF” IN REBELLION AND THE PASSIVE FATHER. AND HE JUST LETTING HER AS HE GO BRINGS THE NEW WOMAN INSIDE THE HOUSE. IT SOMETHING WE SEE IN THE DIVORCED KID/NEW MOM RELATIONSHIP A THOUSAND TIMES OVER. HERE? IT JUST A TREMENDOUSLY FUNNY SYMBOL. THESE SORTS OF THINGS ALL THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE.
YEAH, TO SEE IT MAY TAKE A LITTLE WORK. IT MAY TAKE SOME APPRECIATION OF SEMIOTICS. AND THAT MAY NOT BE YOUR THING. BUT IF YOU MAYBE WANT IT TO BE YOUR THING, TO TRY AND GO A LITTLE FILM-SCHOOLY ON THIS SHIT, THEN HULK SAY THE FUTURE MIGHT BE GOOD PLACE TO START. WATCH IT AND THINK ABOUT THIS STUFF. IT COULD BE REALLY GREAT EXPERIENCE. AND IT NOT GOING TO BE SOME BORING INTELLECTUAL EXERCISE BECAUSE THE FILM OFTEN HILARIOUS.
THE PROBLEM THAT IT PROBABLY NOT AVAILABLE IN YOUR AREA. IT NO LONGER IN HULK’S AND HULK IN MAJOR MARKET (HULK SHOULD HAVE NOT LET TIME SLIP AWAY).
SO TRY THE SAME THING WITH MIRANDA JULY’S PREVIOUS FILM ME AND YOU AND EVERYONE WE KNOW. HULK LOVE THAT FILM TOO AND THERE MANY OF THE SAME KINDS OF DEVICES. READ HER BOOKS. READ HER POETRY (ALTHOUGH HONESTLY HULK LOVE HER MOVIES THE MOST).
MIRANDA JULY A REMARKABLE ARTIST.
HULK GET UP HERE AND TALK ABOUT SCREENWRITING 101 AND BLOCKBUSTERS AND STUFF ALL THE TIME, BUT IF YOU CARE ABOUT ART IN ANY FORM. IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT FILM. CHECK OUT THE WORK OF MIRANDA JULY.
HULK CURRENTLY FINISHING VERY INVOLVED ARTICLE ON ACTION SCENES, IT NOT AS LONG AS THE OTHERS BUT IT MORE INVOLVED AND LOTS MOVING PARTS SO HULK TAKING TIME TO REALLY GET IT RIGHT SO TO SPEAK.
BUT IN MEANTIME IT BEEN SO LONG SINCE HULK GOT SOMETHING UP SO HULK THOUGHT ANSWER ‘NOTHER ROUND OF QUESTIONS. AS ALWAYS, FEEL FREE ASK QUESTIONS IN COMMENTS BELOW, TWEET HULK AT WWW.TWITTER.COM/FILMCRITHULK (FOLLOW HULK IF NOT!), OR EMAIL FILMCRITHULK@GMAIL.COM
HULK THANK!
QUESTION #1
Reading your first mailbag- specifically, the question regarding the studio system and product placement and audiences- made me wonder. Do you think we’ll ever see something like PUTNEY SWOPE again? Or maybe a better question that ties two of your answers together- do you think we’ll ever see another revolutionary movement- as described in “Easy Riders, Raging Bulls”- again? It seems like there’s a lot of fertile territory for filmmakers to revolt against a lot of what you mentioned and the independent genre feels like it could use the jolt.
-John
LOVE PUTNEY SWOPE. GREAT MOVIE. HULK NOT SURE WE’LL EVER SEE SOMETHING SEND UP THE ADVERTISING QUITE THE SAME WAY. EVEN OUTSIDE OF THE WORLD OF PRODUCT PLACEMENT, TV AND MOVIES USED TO BE SEPARATE ENTITIES. NOW THEY NOT. IF UNIVERSAL MAKES MOVIE SKEWING ADVERTISING NBC FEELS THE HEAT (THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS BTW WITH THE MOST TRIVIAL OF STUFF). IF ANY MOVIE EVER DOES, IT WILL LIKELY BE OUTSIDE THE HOLLYWOOD PARAMETERS COMPLETELY. EVEN MAD MEN, WHICH HAS LOTS BAD THINGS SAY ABOUT ADVERTISING, HAS DONE MORE TO MAKE IT SEEM SUPER-AWESOME IT THAN ANYTHING TOO (THOUGH THAT WHOLLY INTENTIONAL).
TECHNICALLY THERE WAS A SECOND REVOLUTIONARY MOVEMENT, THE INDEPENDENT FILM MOVEMENT OF THE 90’S AND BISKIND WROTE ABOUT THAT ONE TOO. HIS “DOWN AND DIRTY PICTURES” ABOUT THE RISE OF MIRAMAX = FANTASTIC. IT ALSO THE SOURCE OF SO MUCH WEINSTEIN INFAMY.
THE PROBLEM OF COURSE THAT THE INDEPENDENT FILMMAKING MODELS BECAME SUBLIMATED INTO THE LARGER CORPORATE SYSTEM (LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE), SO NOW INDEPENDENT FILMMAKING ESSENTIALLY JUST CORPORATE GENRE FILMMAKING. THERE NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FOX SEARCHLIGHT, SONY PICTURES CLASSICS, ETC. AND REGULAR STUDIOS EXCEPT FOR FACT THEY HAVE SMALLER BUDGETS AND FOCUS ON AWARD FODDER. AND YEAH TECHNICALLY THEY FOCUS MORE ON ACQUISITIONS THAN REGULAR STUDIOS BUT THE STUFF THEY JUST ACQUIRING USUALLY MOVIE-STAR LADEN CROWD PLEASERS WITH “INDIE VIBE.”
SO THE QUESTION, WHERE WILL THE NEW REVOLUTION COME FROM?
HULK NOT SURE. WE LIKE THINK THINGS MORE DEMOCRATIC NOWAWAYS IN AGE OF NEW MEDIA, BUT THE PROLIFERATION OF HIGH-GRADE EQUIPMENT AND NICHE-IFICATION WHICH ALLOWS FOR THE POSSIBILITY TO FIND AUDIENCE MORE EASILY, ALSO MEANS IT HARDER FOR NICHE CONTENT TO “HIT” THE MAINSTREAM IF THAT MAKE SENSE. IT SEEMS LIKE MOST OF THE GREAT, INTERESTING, OR SUBVERSIVE FILMMAKING COMING OUT OF GENRE ENTERTAINMENT THESE DAYS, SO THAT TRADITIONAL AUDIENCE NEEDS ARE MET IN AGREEMENT WITH THE MORE ADVENTUROUS STORYTELLING AND COMEDY (ONE CAN WATCH LET THE RIGHT ONE IN JUST AS A VAMPIRE MOVIE FOR EXAMPLE, EVEN IF IT WAY, WAY MORE THAN THAT). AND THE INTERNET SEEMS MORE A DELIVERY DEVICE FOR SHORT FORM/SKETCH CONTENT.
MAYBE THE PLACE FOR GREAT STORYTELLING NOW ON TV? OUTSIDE OF HANDFUL OF GREAT MOVIES HULK THINK “THE SUITCASE” EPISODE OF MAD MEN ONE THE MOST INTERESTING, COMPELLING “MEDIA HOURS” OF THE YEAR. IT JUST HAPPENED BE ON TV.
BUT REALLY HULK NOT SURE.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #2
You’ve talked a lot about screenwriting 101 and the need for the understanding of story structure and character building. What’s the lesson plan for screenwriting 102?
-Bevin
GET THERE SOON ENOUGH. BUT SCREENWRITING 102 MOSTLY CONCERNS INVERSION AND INNOVATION. HOW MAKE THE LEAP FROM WRITING STANDARD STORIES TO WRITING “ORIGINAL-FEELING” / UNIQUE STUFF. HOW DOES TARANTINO OR KAUFFMAN OR COENS OR MOFFAT OR WHEDON OR DO IT? IT TRICKY BUT… ACTUALLY THAT SOUND MORE LIKE THAT SCREENWRITING 103 /GRADUATE STUDY… 102 MIGHT BE JUST MORE OF SAME SHIT WITH A BIT MORE NUANCE…. MAYBE… HULK DUNNO.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #3
Your article regarding the ending of Lost was a great read and brought up a lot of insightful points that I hadn’t considered otherwise. Did you have any other problems with the story throughout the course of the show? Did any of the turns the story took frustrate you, and if so, why?
-Peter G
YEAH IN A GIVEN MOMENT HULK WOULD HAVE LOTS OF PROBLEMS, BUT GIVEN FLUID NATURE OF SHOW, THEY REALLY NOT PROBLEMS, BUT JUST CONCERNS. THAT CAUSE IN MOST CASES LOST EVENTUALLY DEALT WITH THEM WELL-ENOUGH AND TURNED INTO SOMETHING COMPELLING (THE SHOW GOT LOTS OF MILEAGE OUT OF VIEWER PATIENCE). SO THE PROBLEM WITH THE FINALE WAS THAT THERE NOTHING LEFT TO TEMPER OR RECTIFY ANY MIXED FEELINGS. CONCERNS BECOME ACTUAL PROBLEMS. RIGHT NOW, THERE NOTHING THAT CAN “FIX” THE FINALE…EXCEPT MAYBE LINDELOF’S TWEETS?
QUESTION #4
I am curious to know what Hulk thought of X-men: First Class.
I couldn’t find a topic, so I’m posting here.
-Jonah K.
SHORT VERSION: LOVED IT. FUN, ASSURED, BALANCED, AND A WHALE OF A PERFORMANCE FROM FASSBENDER. LOVED EVERY SINGLE DECISION REALLY. HULK ALSO HAVE CRUSH ON JENNIFER LAWERENCE BUT THAT NOT MAKE HULK UNIQUE IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. AND HULK THOUGHT ABOUT DOING PIECE ON THE FILMS COMMENTARY OF RACISM COMPARED TO THE OTHERS BUT IT SORT OF WELL-COVERED GROUND.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #5
Hi Hulk
First off, I immensely appreciate your blog, which provides very deep and accessible criticism. Your texts are always a pleasure to read. My question concerns your quick remark on The Wire‘s last season as a bit “off”, with the serial killer and journalism plots not fitting with the rest of the series : I did not really understand what was wrong with it, since I really enjoyed this season as much as the others, except maybe for being less focused due to plot resolutions and piling on of separate stories. What set you off ?
Thanks, and have a great week !
-Louis
PERHAPS HULK SHOULD HAVE MADE MORE CLEAR. HULK THINK THE LAST SEASON OF THE WIRE FILLED WITH ALL SORTS OF GENIUS. AND HULK WILL GET TO WHY IN SECOND, BUT THE CRITICISM HULK WAS MAKING THAT THE LAST SEASON JUST MADE TWO “TONAL” ERRORS WITH THE MCNULTY FAKE SERIAL KILLER AND THE BLACK/WHITE GOOD GUYS/BAD GUYS IN THE BALTIMORE SUN WORKROOM. MEANING THAT THE TWO PLOTS DIDN’T FEEL LIKE TRADITIONAL WIRE NARRATIVES. MCNULTY FAKING THE SERIAL KILLER SEEMED LIKE THE MOST “UNREALISTIC” THING THE SHOW DID. WAS IT? HULK NOT SURE, BUT THE SHOW HAD BUILT UP 4 SEASONS ON THE PREDICATION OF FINDING DRAMA AND SOUL IN THE MOST “REALISTIC” NARRATIVES POSSIBLE. MEANWHILE, THE JOURNALISM PLOT LINE THROUGH SOME PEOPLE BECAUSE THE WORKPLACE ENVIRONMENT SEEMED BY MADE UP OF EITHER DICKLESS YES MEN AND SCHEMING HACKS OR THE NOBLE SAINTS OF REPORTING. WHICH RATHER CONTRARY TO THE SEEMING GRAY SCALES OF INSTITUTIONS THE WIRE USUALLY PUTS IN FRONT OF US (*). AT THE CENTER OF WHICH IS A CHARACTER WHOLLY MAKINING UP STORIES AND COMING OFF LIKE THE SCUM OF THE UNIVERSE AND HE GETS A PULITZER. BOTH OF THESE TWO STORYLINES ARE THE BIG, BOLD MOVES ONE USUALLY DOES NOT SEE IN THE SHOW. AND THIS THE SIMPLE REASON MANY PEOPLE NOT LIKE IT IS MUCH. IT JUST DIDN’T FEEL RIGHT.
NOW, TO THE LARGER POINT: MOST PEOPLE NOT SO GOOD AT FEELING OUT META-NARRATIVE. BECAUSE IN THE SENSE OF META-NARRATIVE BOTH PLOT LINES RATHER BRILLIANT. THE FIFTH SEASON IS REALLY ABOUT THE REFLEXIVE SEARCH FOR TRUTH. BOTH FEATURE PROMINENT LIES AT THE CENTER OF CONFLICT. THIS DONE SO PURELY TO HIGHLIGHT THE WAYS THE SYSTEM IS SET UP NOT TO DISCOVER THE TRUTH. THE SYSTEM ON WHAT “NOT SHOWN” HERE = THE MAIN POINTS OF THE FIFTH SEASON.
HERE, IN ORDER OF THEMATIC IMPORTANCE: THE BALTIMORE SUN DOES NOT REPORT A SINGLE EVENT THAT TAKE PLACE ON THE WIRE (THAT IS UNTIL BUBS. AND IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THEY’VE EVER DONE AND IT RESTORES HIS FAMILY’S FAITH IN HIM) IF THE WIRE = “THE REAL STORY” OF THE AMERICAN CITY, IT NOT BEING TOLD BECAUSE THEY’RE OFF CHASING “THE FAKE ONE” MEANING THE ONES THAT ARE MADE UP. THE STORIES HAD TO BE FAKE. AND THEY COULD NEVER GET CAUGHT BECAUSE IT THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE THE POINT. AMERICAN SOCIETY OBSESSESED WITH THE BIG, BOLD CSI TYPE STORIES OF MASS INTRIGUE. IN THAT PURSUIT THEY’RE MISSING STUFF SHOWN IN THE WIRE. THE FIFTH SEASON HAD LOTS OF AMAZING TIMES WHERE THEY HIGHLIGHT WHY THE PAPERS FAILED BUT NO ACTUALLY SHOW IT. FOR EXAMPLE HALFWAY THROUGH SEASON ONE OF THEIR SENIOR JOURNALISTS IS BOUGHT OUT. HE REPLACED WITH THE YOUNG WOMAN (GOD HULK FORGET HER NAME, ALMA?) WHO VERY WELL-INTENTIONED BUT JUST NO HAVE THE EXPERTISE OR EXPERIENCE. LATER ON SEASON, WHEN BELOVED CHARACTER DIES (AND FAMED WITHIN THE INNER CITY) AND THEY TRYING TO DECIDE IF THEY SHOULD REPORT HIS MURDER IN LITTLE BLURB OR REPORT A FIRE. SHE CHOOSES THE FIRE. MEANWHILE, THE VETERAN REPORTER KNOWS WHO THAT CHARACTER IS AND WHY HE SO IMPORTANT. WITH HIM, IT WOULD HAVE MADE THE PAPER. BUT BECAUSE THE SUN BOUGHT OUT THEIR EXPERIENCED REPORTER, THE PAPER MISSED A CRUCIAL STORY SIMPLY BECAUSE THE WELL-INTENTIONED YOUNG REPORTER COULDN’T POSSIBLY KNOW WHO THAT CHARACTER WAS. IT BRILLIANT.
AND QUITE SIMPLY, MCNULTY’S CAREER BEING UNDONE BY HIS OWN BULLSHIT = THE PERFECT WAY TO GO. ALSO, THE SUBTLE ARC OF KENARD? BRILLIANT. ALSO RANDY’S LAST NAME IS WAGSTAFF. RECOGNIZE IT? CHEESE WAGSTAFF. (METHOD MAN). YUP, HE’S RANDY’S DAD. DIDN’T NOTICE? THAT BECAUSE IT NEVER SAID. IT IS THE ABSENT FATHER, SHOWN TO IT’S MOST DAMNING, BY NEVER SHOWING IT AT ALL.
*CHUCK KLOSTERMAN MAKES REALLY WEIRD ARGUMENT WHERE HE SAYS BECAUSE THE NEWSPAPER OFFICE FEEL DISINGENUOUS TO ONES HE WORKED IN, HE NOW CAN’T BELIEVE THAT THE OTHER INSTITUTIONS SHOWN WERE DONE SO WITH FAIR TREATMENT. HULK FIND IT BIZARRE SORT OF CONTRARIAN ARGUMENT, AS IF ARGUING THE SHOW NO HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE A STORY. BESIDES, HULK BEEN A TEACHER. HULK’S ENTIRE FAMILY TEACHERS SPECIALIZING IN PROBLEMATIC YOUTH. TRUST HULK. THE FOURTH SEASON PRETTY FUCKING ACCURATE.
QUESTION #6
I was wondering, what is your opinion (if any) on Jackson Murphy, the “kid film critic”? Do we need somebody like him for the sake of a different perspective on things? Or is it possible that, since he’s obviously too young to have seen most of the milestones of cinema history, giving somebody like him so much exposure can do more harm than good?
The reason I’m asking is I’ve seen this kid on Ebert Presents and have found him to be so incredibly annoying that I was surprised at myself. I think of him as a “film criticism” version of Rebecca Black. But more creepy.
-Lara
HULK NEVER HEARD OF HIM BEFORE THIS QUESTION SO HULK DID BIT OF RESEARCH.
SHORT VERSION: IT BAD. FOR ONE, FAME BAD FOR CHILDREN IN GENERAL. IT JUST IS. THERE NO GETTING AROUND IT AND HULK WOULD NEVER WANT PUT KID IN THAT KIND OF POSITION. AT SAME TIME ,THERE INHERENT NEED FOR CHILDREN TO BE ACTORS/DO OTHER HIGH PROFILE THINGS, SO IT JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT HAVE BE VERY CAREFUL WITH. JUST GENERALIZING BUT IT SEEM 1 IN 4 END UP BEING WELL-ADJUSTED.
AND FOR PETE’S SAKE, NO WE DON’T NEED A 10 YEAR OLD’S OPINION ON MOVIES IN THIS WAY. NOW, HULK LOVE TALKING TO KIDS ABOUT MOVIES TO SEE HOW THEY THINKING, BUT IT VERY DIFFERENT KIND OF THING. FOR EXAMPLE HULK LOVE’S DREW MCWEENY’S FILM NERD 2.0 SERIES WHERE HE WATCHES MOVIES W/ HIS KIDS AND EXAMINES THEIR REACTIONS. WHEN FILTERED THROUGH HIM (A VERY GOOD PROFESSIONAL FILM CRITIC) IT GIVES THEIR OPINIONS HAVE A VERY APPROPRIATE SENSE OF WEIGHT. THAT MAKE SENSE? THEY GIVEN THE CONTEXT OF KIDS, NOT THE CONTEXT OF PROFESSIONALISM.
WHILE HULK LAMENT THE FACT THAT THIS KID IN THE PUBLIC EYE AND TREATED LIKE HE ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT HE TALKING ABOUT, HULK LIKE THE IDEA THAT THE KID REALLY TRYING RIGHT NOW. HE HAVE LONG WAYS TO GO BUT HE ESSENTIALLY STARTING HIS “10,000 HOURS” (GLADWELL’S THEORY THAT IT TAKES 10,000 HOURS TO BECOME TRULY GOOD AT ANYTHING REGARDLESS OF NATURAL TALENT, CAUSE THERE’S ACTUALLY NO SUCH THING AS NATURAL TALENT) SO IN 6-10 YEARS HE COULD BE IN GOOD SHAPE?
OR DEAD OF COCAINE OVERDOSE.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #7
I ask this because you willy-nilly threw ‘The Philadelphia Story’ into an answer, and since ‘The Philadelphia Story’ is my favorite movie, I have a few questions for you surrounding: ‘The Philadelphia Story.’
1) Why is ‘The Philadelphia Story’ such a great movie? If you can’t answer this per the terms of the question, I’ll be satisfied with your opinion of ‘The Philadelphia Story.’
2) I think ‘The Philadelphia Story’ is a shining example of how great of an actor Cary Grant is (and specifically how ‘gracious’ of an actor he is. He’s a scene-stealer, but he knows how to get off of the floor and let someone else take over. Just look at how many co-stars he’s had (specifically his female co-stars, but Jimmy Stewart included) who’ve had some of their best roles standing next to him.) Anyway. This beside point. The real question is that Cary Grant is derided by know-nothings for being a one-note actor. He essentially play the role of ‘Cary Grant’ in his movies, they say. (And they may very well be right, and I forgive him because man, what a great character to be constantly playing.) And, unfortunately, I think this is the same fate that’s befalling cats like Jesse Eisenberg and Michael Cera. They essentially play themselves and yes, that can be tiring, but I believe history will reflect very well on them, without the context of sitting through every single movie they’ve made and rather just ‘remembering the good ones.’ So I ask your opinion of these ‘one-note’ actors, and whether they are ‘bad actors’ or just actors that we get tired of.
3) The other side to ‘the suits fuck everything up’ is that sometimes they’re able to actually make things better. A lot of those great Cary Grant movies. ‘Casablanca,’ is I believe to be a shining example. Thoughts? Maybe artists need someone to help them get their own vision across?
4) George Cukor has made a handful of truly great movies, but I don’t really see his name thrown out in that list of great directors. Any thoughts as to why?
Thank you and I love your blog.
-not eb
1 – THE PHILADELPHIA STORY A CLASSIC AND IT DESERVE TO BE ONE. THE REASON BECAUSE OF KATHERINE HEPBURN. NOW EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT IT FANTASTIC, BUT SHE THE LYNCH-PIN THAT ALLOWS IT ALL TO CONNECT AND WORK TOGETHER. WITHOUT HER PERFORMANCE THE HIGH-DEGREE-OF-DIFFICULTY NARRATIVE FALLS FLAT. SIMPLE AS THAT? MAYBE. IT HULK’S THEORY.
2 – ONE NOTE ACTORS ARE ACTUALLY MOST ACTORS TO BE HONEST. GENUINE CHAMELEONS WHO REALLY CHANGE WHAT THEY DO RATHER RARE (AND THEY MOSTLY ON STAGE), EVEN LOTS OF “CHARACTER ACTORS” JUST DO THE SAME ONE-NOTE THING THEY JUST GET LOTS DIFFERENT ROLES KINDS OF ROLES. HULK NOT TRYING TO BE DISMISSIVE OF THEIR ABILITIES WHATSOEVER. THEY GETTING INTO VERY DIFFERENT CHARACTERS AND HEADSPACES AND SITUATIONS, HULK MERELY COMMENTING ON THE AFFECTATION. IN TRUTH, HULK IN AWE OF ALL ACTORS AND YOU WOULD BE SAME IF EVER TRIED IT.
SO THE THING WITH ONE-NOTE ACTORS IT JUST DEPENDS WHAT YOU THINK OF THAT NOTE AND IF THERE OBJECTIVE QUALITIES TO THE NOTE. FOR EXAMPLE, AWKWARD (CERA) HAS LESS RANGE THAN CHARMING (CLOONEY). MEANING CLOONEY CAN BE A CHARMING MAN IN A ROMANTIC COMEDY, A COOL BANK HEIST, OR A MURROW DOCU-DRAMA. MEANWHILE, CERA CAN’T BE THE AWKWARD FUMBLING TEEN IN A SHOOT EM UP WITHOUT DRAWING TOO MUCH NOTICE FOR BEING THAT. BUT FOR THE RECORD HULK STILL LOVE CERA. HIS TIMING EXCELLENT. WE GET SICK OF COMEDIANS TOO EASILY.
3 – NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN HERE. THE GOLDEN AGE OF MOVIE MAKING VERY DIFFERENT FROM TODAY. STARS/DIRECTORS/WRITERS WERE CONTRACTED W/ SINGLE STUDIO. IT WAS AN ASSEMBLY LINE. STUDIO INVOLVEMENT WAS A MUST IN THAT SYSTEM. ALSO, THE SUITS IN THAT CASE WERE STILL AT LEAST “MOVIE PEOPLE.” THE REAL WORLD OF GIANT CORPORATE FINANCE DIDN’T CREEP UNTIL THE 80’S POST “STAR WARS” WHEN THEY REALIZED THERE WAS REAL INDUSTRY-TYPE-MONEY TO BE MADE. THE OLD GUARD (TURNER, ZANUCK, ETC) COULD BE JUST AS FLIPPANT AND EASILY BORED, BUT THEY WERE AT LEAST INDIVIDUALS WITH ACTUAL TASTE. THE CURRENT GENERATION ARE ECONOMISTS.
4 – HULK FEEL LIKE CUKOR GETS APPROPRIATE DUE (AT LEAST IN FILM-Y CIRCLES). HULK SUPPOSE THE LACK OF ATTENTION COMES FROM THE FACT HE NOT REALLY FORMALIST. HE GREAT WITH ACTORS AND REALLY GOT HANDS ON SOME GREAT SCREENPLAYS. BUT HE NOT EXACTLY IN THE FORD CLASS, WHO COULD ELEVATE ANY MATERIAL HE GOT.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #8
Hey Hulk,
Got a question for you. What’s an area of filmmaking you wish more viewers or critics knew about/paid attention to? It seems like most reactions to a movie boil down to talking about the actors, some dialogue, and directorial style. Do you wish people would focus more on, say, editing, or sound design, or costumes, etc.? Small follow-up: What resources would you recommend for those viewers looking to learn more?
Daniel C.
HULK IMAGINE IT PRETTY EVIDENT THAT IT HAVE HULK’S BIGGEST GRIPE HOW MOST CRITICS NO KNOW WHAT “SCREENWRITING” ACTUALLY MEAN. THEY ALWAYS MAKE IT SEEM DIALOGUE CENTRIC, BUT REALLY STORY ECONOMY WAY MORE IMPORTANT. SO BASICALLY, A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF STORY-MECHANICS WOULD DO LOT GOOD. THE PROBLEM WITH EVALUATING EDITING THAT THE BEST EDITING OFTEN INVISIBLE. USUALLY HULK HAVE TO WATCH THE BEST EDITING MOVIES A SECOND TIME AND REALLY BE ON LOOKOUT FOR IT. AND THEN IT NOT EVEN REALLY IMPORTANT TO PUBLIC DISCUSSION, JUST FILMMAKING CRAFT. AND HULK FEEL LIKE COSTUMES PRETTY MUCH GET THEIR DUE. THAT SOUND CRASS BUT BY THAT HULK MEAN THAT PEOPLE CAN LOOK AND UNDERSTAND THE EFFORT THAT WENT INTO IT. AND YES, WISH THERE MORE APPRECIATION FOR THE EFFECT OF SOUND, BUT THAT BECAUSE SOUND DESIGNERS/MIXERS THE TOTAL UNSUNG HEROES OF FILMMAKING. IF EVER MADE A FILM YOU UNDERSTAND… ALSO IF YOU MAKING MOVIE SAVE MONEY FOR THE MIX. LOTS PEOPLE MAKE THAT MISTAKE.
AND HONESTLY IT SORT OF CHEAP, BUT HULK SAY NO READ FILM BOOKS. READ BOOK BOOKS. READ DAVID FOSTER WALLACE, GOGOL, THOMAS PYNCHON, CHEKOV, READ ACADEMIC ESSAYS ABOUT OTHER SHIT. AND THE BEST WAY TO LEARN TECHNICAL FILMMAKING SKILLS TO SAVE MONEY AND MAKE FILMS (START WITH SKETCHES). YOU LEARN WAY MORE THAT WAY. AS FAR AS UNDERSTANDING MOVIES GO, SEE MORE MOVIES AND WRITE FOR 10,000 HOURS.
OH AND THE GUY ABOVE, OWEN GLIEBERMAN? HE KIND OF TERRIBLE. DON’T BE LIKE HIM.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #9
As photo-realistic and motion capture technology becomes more widespread do we need a new definition for movies that straddle the line between computer generated and live action? I’m thinking specifically of Avatar, but Tron: Legacy, 300, and Sin City could be considered as well since everything but the actors was green screened in later, although none but Avatar contained characters which existed solely in a computer. All of these movies, while technically live action, exist almost entirely in a computer generated world. As this becomes more common, which I assume it will, will it create a new film making sub-genre? Is Avatar (and the upcoming sequels) live action? Are they cartoons? Does this only matter come awards time?
…I guess SW: Episodes 1-3 fit this description too, but I try to pretend they didn’t happen.
-Doug R
YOU EXACTLY CORRECT. SOON ENOUGH THEY WILL BE EXACT SAME THING IN TERMS OF EXECUTION. SO HOW WILL THEY DIFFERENTIATE?
IT MAY TAKE ONE MO-CAP PERFORMANCE TO BE NOMINATED TO BREAK THE DISTINCTION. BUT THAT WILL NO HAPPEN UNTIL OLD ACADEMY MEMBERS DIE BECAUSE THEY NO UNDERSTAND WHAT MO-CAP EVEN IS. (SERIOUSLY, IF YOU EVER BEEN TO AN ACADEMY, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER, OR VARIETY SCREENING THE AVERAGE AND MEDIAN AGE AT LEAST 72). BUT ONCE ONE NOMINATED IT WILL THEORETICALLY BRIDGE DISTINCTION? HULK NOT SURE. RIGHT NOW THOUGH, HALF OF MOVIE-GOERS SEEM TO UNDERSTAND BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVE-ACTION, MO-CAP, AND ANIMATED JUST BASED ON WHAT IT SEEMS MOST LIKE. SO REALLY WE NO KNOW YET. BUT RIGHT NOW IT SEEMS LIKE ANYTHING WITH ONE REAL ACTOR IN IT, STRIVING TOWARD PHOTO-REALISM, WE WILL CONSIDER IT LIVE ACTION.
❤ HULK
UNTIL NEXT TIME.
AS ALWAYS, FEEL FREE ASK QUESTIONS IN COMMENTS BELOW, TWEET HULK AT WWW.TWITTER.COM/FILMCRITHULK (FOLLOW HULK IF NOT!), OR EMAIL FILMCRITHULK@GMAIL.COM
YOU SHOULD GO TO BEGINNING OF CURRENT ITERATION OF DR. WHO AND START WATCHING IT.
RIGHT NOW.
WHY?
BECAUSE DR. WHO MIGHT BE HULK’S FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW.
EVER.
… THAT A PRETTY GRAND STATEMENT, FULL OF ALL SORTS OF HYPERBOLE AND WHATEVER, BUT IT TRUE. A LOT OF AMERICANS MAY BE CONFUSED BY HULK’S RECOMMENDATION, WHEREAS A LOT OF HULK’S U.K. READERS WONDERING WHY AMERICANS WOULD BE CONFUSED AT ALL. SEE, WHILE DR. WHO AN INTRINSIC PART OF YOUR TELEVISION HISTORY AND A CULTURAL TALKING POINT, IT NOT REALLY THAT WELL-KNOWN OVER HERE IN THE STATES.(1) AS OF JUST A FEW MONTHS AGO, EVEN HULK JUST KNEW A BIT OF THIS HISTORY OF THE SHOW AND ITS IMPORTANCE AND NOT MUCH MORE. IT TOOK THE OUTRIGHT INSISTENCE OF A FEW FRIENDS TO CONVINCE HULK TO STARTING WATCHING AND, OBVIOUSLY, HULK VERY GLAD HULK DID.
BUT SERIOUSLY, FAVORITE???
CONSIDERING THE DEPTH OF TRULY GREAT TELEVISION, HULK’S PROCLAMATION MAY SEEM OUTRIGHT ABSURD. HULK CAN IMAGINE YOU SITTING THERE SAYING “BUT HULK? WHAT ABOUT ____ SHOW!” AND CHANCES ARE YOU NAME SOMETHING TOTALLY DESERVING. IN FACT, HULK HAVE A WHOLE LIST OF MODERN SHOWS THAT OBJECTIVELY “BETTER” THAN DR. WHO (YOU FREE TO ARGUE WITH ANY OF THESE): THE WIRE IS UNQUESTIONABLY THE BEST TV SHOW EVER. THE SOPRANOS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. MAD MEN IS THE MOST INTERESTING. BREAKING BAD HAS THE BEST PERFORMANCE. LOST IS THE MOST AMBITIOUS (DRAMA). COMMUNITY IS THE MOST AMBITIOUS (COMEDY). SIX FEET UNDER IS THE DEEPEST (OR AT LEAST ALWAYS TRIED TO BE). BUFFY IS THE MOST ENTERTAINING. FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS IS THE MOST HUMBLE. THE SHIELD IS THE MOST INTENSE. TWIN PEAKS WAS THE MOST WONDERFULLY LYNCHIAN (THAT ITS OWN THING). ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT IS THE WITTIEST. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA IS THE MOST AUDACIOUS. FREAKS AND GEEKS AND MY-SO-CALLED LIFE ARE THE MOST PAINFULLY HUMAN AND WELL-OBSERVED. SEINFELD IS THE MOST ORIGINAL. HOMICIDE, MR. SHOW, AND THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW ARE THE MOST AHEAD OF THEIR TIME. THE OFFICE (UK) IS THE MOST INSPIRED. AND THE SIMPSONS (GOLDEN AGE) IS THE ABSOLUTE FUNNIEST.
BUT DR. WHO MIGHT BE HULK’S FAVORITE.(2)
NOT PLEASED
WARNING: HULK’S FAVORITISM MAY JUST BE DUE TO FACT THAT HULK JUST SPENT THE LAST FEW MONTHS ON NETFLIX STREAMING, WHIZZING THROUGH THE MODERN RESURRECTION OF THE SHOW (STARTING IN 2005) AND NOW HULK COMPLETELY CAUGHT UP. WATCHING TV SHOWS IN THE “ALL AT ONCE” MANNER HAVE TENDENCY TO THROW BLINDERS ON VIEWER AND THROW REGARD FOR SHOW OUT OF WHACK… BUT HULK PRETTY GOOD AT BEING ABLE TO CONTEXTUALIZE WHATEVER HULK WATCHING; TO REMEMBER HOW HULK FELT WATCHING OTHER PROGRAMS AND WHY HULK WANTED TO KEEP WATCHING. THIS RELEVANT BECAUSE THE REASONS HULK FELT COMPELLED TO IMMEDIATELY WATCH THE NEXT EPISODE OF THE WIRE, OFTEN FAR DIFFERENT FROM THE REASONS HULK WANTED TO WATCH THE NEXT DR. WHO. MEANING EVEN IF NET RESULT THE SAME (GOOD TV LARGELY LIKE CRACK ADDICTION), THE REASONS WERE DIFFERENT. AND THE SPECIFIC NATURE OF THOSE REASONS LARGELY TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SHOW.
FOR ONE, THE FEELING OF WATCHING DR. WHO EQUATABLE WITH SIMPLE ELATION. THIS ENTIRE RUN BEEN AN ABSOLUTE JOY. SURE, THE SERIES STARTS OFF JUST A TAD BIT ROCKY WITH THE BUDGET-CONSTRAINED FIRST SEASON AND GENERAL UNSURENESS ABOUT THE WORLD OF THE SHOW (THERE A REASON THE SLEVEEN NO ENDURED. THEY WERE ULTIMATELY JUST STUPID FART MONSTERS), BUT WITH EVERY PASSING EPISODE HULK FOUND HULK-SELF MORE AND MORE WRAPPED UP IN THE CHARACTERS AND THE WORLD. 5 AND 1/2 SEASONS LATER? DR. WHO WAS ALL HULK THOUGH ABOUT. HULK RELISHED THE DAILY CHANCE TO RETURN TO THE WORLD OF THE SHOW AND ENJOY THE ELATION OF WHAT MIGHT BE THE MOST HAPPINESS-PROVIDING SHOW-TYPE-THING AROUND.
WHAT MAKES IT SO ENJOYABLE? UNLIKE NEARLY EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE MODERN WORLD, DR. WHO DEFINED BY AN INEXORABLE SENSE OF OPTIMISM. IT SORT OF REMARKABLE FOR THIS DAY IN AGE REALLY. NO MISTAKE THE SHOW FOR EMPTY-HEADED-FLUFF THOUGH, ESPECIALLY SINCE IT OFTEN DEALS WITH THE FAIRLY COMMON THREAT OF APOCALYPSE OR FULL ERASURE FROM TIME AND SPACE. BUT THAT THE VERY THING THAT GIVE DR. WHO ITS GRAVITAS: IT GROUNDS ITS OPTIMISM IN APOCALYPSE. IT LOOKS AT THE SCALE OF THE UNIVERSE, THE FACT OUR LIVES ARE JUST TINY BLIPS ON AN INCONCEIVABLE TIME-LINE AND STILL MANAGES TO SHOW WHY IT MATTERS. IT SHOWS THAT MOST INCREDIBLE THING WE CAN DO IS CHERISH OUR VERY EXISTENCE AND “BE OUR BEST SELVES.” IT POSITIVE EXISTENTIALISM IN IT’S MOST CELEBRATED FORM, REFLECTING IT AS CORE HUMAN TRUTH.
AND BETTER YET, THE SHOW FOR EVERYONE. HULK THINK DR. WHO REPRESENT THE BEST OF WHAT PIXAR OFFERS: A “YOUNG PERSON’S SHOW” THAT NOT JUST ADULT-FRIENDLY, BUT SOMETHING THAT QUITE LITERALLY FOR EVERYONE.
SO HOW BOUT THAT?
PART ONE – FOR THOSE WHO NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW
BUT REALLY HULK, YOU ASK, WHAT MAKE IT SO GREAT?
FOR STARTERS, IT CAN BE ANYTHING.
“EXPLAIN! EXPLAAAAIN!!!!”
DR. WHO = THE STORY OF A 900 YEAR TIME LORD KNOWN SIMPLY AS “THE DOCTOR.” THE TIME LORDS ARE THE MOST ANCIENT AND NOBLE BEINGS IN THE UNIVERSE AND THEY WATCH OVER ALL OF TIME AND SPACE. THE DOCTOR, A FUNNY AND OFTEN BRILLIANT FIGURE, SPENDS HIS LIFE TRAVELING IN THE TARDIS, A MIRACULOUS SHIP THAT CAN ACTUALLY NAVIGATE THROUGH BOTH TIME AND SPACE (IT IS ALSO DISGUISED AS A 60’S-ESQUE POLICE BOX… THIS WILL MAKE SENSE HULK ASSURE YOU). IN ALL THESE TRAVELS THROUGH THE STARS, THE DOCTOR OFTEN BRINGS COMPANIONS ALONG WITH HIM TO SHARE THE JOURNEY (THE COMPANIONS OFTEN HUMAN AND EVEN MORE OFTEN YOUNG WOMEN). TOGETHER THEY INVESTIGATE HISTORY, THE FUTURE, THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, AND BEYOND. AND DESPITE THE FACT THE SHOW USUALLY HAVE SOME SORT OF “MYSTERY OF THE WEEK” ALLURE, THE SHOW CAN TAKE ON ANY FORM, SUBJECT MATTER, OR TONE.
IT CAN LITERALLY DO OR BE ANYTHING.
THIS INNATE CAPACITY FOR ENDLESS CREATIVITY THE MAIN REASON THE SHOW HAS LASTED THROUGH SIX DECADES (OH YEAH, FORGOT TO MENTION, THE ORIGINAL INCARNATION OF SHOW BEEN AROUND SINCE 1963). WELL, THAT NOT THE ONLY REASON. THE SHOW ALSO THOUGHT OF ONE RATHER INGENIOUS LITTLE PLOT DEVICE: TIME LORDS CAN REGENERATE, MEANING EVERY TIME THE ACTOR PLAYING THE DOCTOR READY TO LEAVE/GET FIRED, HE CAN SIMPLY DIE IN HIS CURRENT FORM AND REGENERATE WITH A NEW ACTOR PLAYING THE ROLE. YES, IT MAY SEEM A LITTLE HOKEY, BUT IT THE PERFECT CONCEIT FOR ONGOING SERIALIZED TELEVISION, SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE IT ALLOW THE SHOW TO MAINTAIN RICH HISTORY AND TRADITION.(3) LIKEWISE, THE SHOW HAVE A SIMILAR UNDERSTANDING OF TRUNCATING THE PLOT-LINES FOR THE COMPANIONS SO THAT THEIR ARCS ARE TIGHT AND FOCUSED, NEVER FAILING TO OVERSTAY THEIR WELCOME. BOTH CHOICES ALLOW THE SHOW TO STAVE OFF “THE STALENESS” WHICH RUINED A GREAT MANY TV SHOWS.
”]THERE NOW BEEN ELEVEN DOCTORS TO PLAY THE ROLE SO FAR AND COUNTLESS THOUSANDS OF HOURS OF PROGRAMMING . THE SHOW WENT OFF THE AIR IN 1989, HAD ONE-OFF TV MOVIE IN 1996,AND THEN FULLY RETURNED TO THE AIRWAVES IN 2005. THE BEST THING THAT IT WAS NO “REBOOT” BUT INSTEAD A COMPLETE RESURRECTION OF THE SHOW/CHARACTER WITH THE ESTABLISHED CANON/HISTORY FULLY IN TACT. YET AT SAME TIME THEY THANKFULLY CONSTRUCTED THE RESURRECTION SO THAT YOU NO NEED GO BACK AND WATCH 40 YEARS OF RATHER-DATED TELEVISION TO KEEP UP. IT BASICALLY AMOUNT TO A WONDERFUL RE-INTRODUCTION TO THE SHOW.
AND SOON ENOUGH YOU BROUGHT INTO THE FOLD, WHERE THE WORLD OF DR. WHO REVEALS ITSELF DELIGHTFULLY: THE SONIC SCREWDRIVERS, DALEKS, GALIFREY, SHADOW PROCLAMATIONS, FIXED TIME EVENTS, CYBERMEN, UNIT, SONTARANS, THE VOID, WEEPING ANGELS, OODS, CRACKS IN TIME, ALL THE TYLERS, JONES’, SARAH JANE SMITHS, NOBLES, PONDS, AND EVEN FEZZES (FEZZES ARE COOL).
NOW IF ALL THESE BITS ABOUT TIME LORDS REGENERATING AND MAGIC FLYING BOXES SOUNDS SORT OF WACKY, WELL, YOU RIGHT. IT DEFINITELY WACKY. BUT IT ALSO DEALT WITH RATHER BRILLIANTLY. AND THAT THE KEY REALLY.
EVERYTHING STARTS WITH THE FACT THAT THE DOCTOR AN IMPOSSIBLY MAGNETIC FIGURE AND AN ACTOR’S DREAM TO BOOT. HE CAN SOMETIMES JUST BE SILLY, OFF-KILTER, OR ESOTERIC, BUT IT NEVER ONCE LOST ON US THAT HE A BEING NEARLY GOD-LIKE IN HIS CAPABILITIES. THE DOCTOR’S INNATE CAPACITY FOR DARKNESS AND ABSOLUTE POWER THE CONSTANT AND PROVERBIAL ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. YET THE DOCTOR ALSO IMBUED WITH MOST NATURAL CURIOSITY AND HE FREQUENTLY DELIGHTED BY THE IMPOSSIBLE. HIS DEALINGS WITH HUMANITY, WHILE LARGELY JUST A FUNCTION OF “BECAUSE IT US,” MORE PREDICATED ON THE NOTION THAT THE DOCTOR SOMEONE FASCINATED BY THE HUMAN CONDITION. WHY? BECAUSE IT THE SAME CONDITION THAT HE NEEDS TO KEEP GOING, 900 YEARS AND COUNTING. ULTIMATELY, HE LOVES HUMANS BECAUSE OF THE WAYS WE LOVE EACH OTHER.
SEE THE DOCTOR PROCLAIMS HIMSELF TO BE JUST A TRAVELER HE NOT JUST A TRAVELER. HE A FIGURE CAPABLE OF INCREDIBLE ACTS OF GOOD. A MAN WHO SAVES THE UNIVERSE HUNDREDS OF TIMES OVER. HE CAPABLE OF BIG, BOLD ACTION AND SACRIFICE. UNQUANTIFABLE LOVE. A BEACON. A MORAL COMPASS. AND THANKFULLY THE SCALE OF THE SHOW OFTEN FITS THE GRANDEUR OF THE CONCEPTS. FEW CHARACTERS CAN ALTERNATE SO FREELY BETWEEN TWEE AND GRAVITAS WHEN ALL OF REALITY AT STAKE. IT ANYTHING BUT SCHIZOPHRENIC, THE SHOW EXPLORES EVERY BIT OF NUANCE IN BETWEEN.
SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD RIGHT?
SPACESHIP... DREAM-ACHIEVER
IT SOUNDS SORT OF LIKE A BEAUTIFUL DREAM, TO BE WHISKED AWAY IN THE TARDIS AND SEE THE WHOLE OF TIME AND SPACE. IT ABSOLUTELY NO MISTAKE THAT “THE BLUE BOX” = THE ETERNAL SYMBOL FOR THE GATEWAY TO DREAMS.(4) IT TAP INTO SOMETHING ABOUT OUR INTRINSIC NATURE TO EXPLORE AND REFLECT.
AND THE SHOW HAS THIS ABILITY TO ELICIT A CHILD-LIKE REACTION. NO MISTAKE THIS FOR SIMPLE NOSTALGIA (HULK NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW SO THERE NOTHING TO ACTUALLY NOSTALG-TO). HULK SIMPLY TALKING ABOUT THE CAPACITY FOR THAT OH-SO-CHILD-LIKE EMOTION: GUILT-FREE JOY. IT HARD FOR THE MODERN/AWARE AUDIENCE, WHOSE CYNICISM DEFINED NOT NECESSARILY BY NEGATIVITY, BUT FROM THE IMMENSE DEARTH OF MEDIA EXPERIENCE. WE SEEN EVERYTHING, SO WHAT COULD BE NEW AND PURE? THIS SHOW PROVES THAT SOME THINGS CAN STILL BE PURE. THAT ONE CAN HAVE GUILT FREE JOY WITHOUT “TURNING BRAIN OFF.”
DR. WHO MAY NOT THE BEST SHOW EVER MADE.
BUT IT HULK’S FAVORITE.
YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS GUY BUT HE FREAKING GENIUS
PART TWO – FOR THOSE WHO NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW BUT NOT CONVINCED BY MERE HYPERBOLE, HERE NINE TANGIBLE REASONS FOR DR. WHO’S RELATIVE GOODNESS IN THE PANTHEON OF TELEVISION
THIS FOR THOSE OF YOU LOOKING FOR FILM-Y/MORE OBJECTIVE REASONS
1. STEPHEN MOFFAT A GENIUS – SOMETIMES IT THAT SIMPLE. MOFFAT FIRST A WRITER ON THE SHOW AND HE NOW THE SHOW-RUNNER. HE HAS BECOME ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE WRITERS. PERIOD. ONE OF THINGS THAT MAKE HIM DISTINCTIVE, ASIDE FROM UNCANNY ABILITY TO WRITE WITTY-YET-GOAL-ORIENTED DIALOGUE, THAT HE USES THE ENTIRE CANVAS OF TIME AND SPACE TO ACHIEVE ENDS OF GIVEN STORY. IT RARELY A SIMPLE CASE OF “NOW WE DOING THIS KIND OF STORY IN CENTRALIZED LOCATION.” HE DEEPLY MOTIVATED BUT THE POSSIBILITIES THAT DR. WHO PROVIDE. IT EXTREME STORYTELLING. BETTER YET, IT TRUE SCI FI.
2. ACTUALLY, THE SHOW HAD TWO BRILLIANT SHOW-RUNNERS. RUSSEL T. DAVIES RESURRECTED THE SHOW IN 2005 AND WAS THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT’S CURRENT STYLE. THANKFULLY, HE MADE THE EXACT RIGHT CHOICES IN EVERY REGARD. IT SHOWCASED TREMENDOUS RESPECT AND ADORATION FOR THE ORIGINAL SERIES BUT KNEW EXACTLY WHAT TO AUGMENT. AND WHILE MOFFAT MAY BE THE BETTER INDIVIDUAL WRITER, DAVIES HAD TRUE GIFT FOR DEVELOPING THE ARC OF A SEASON. NOT JUST WITHIN THE CENTRAL ARC, BUT THE INTERTWINING PLOTS YOU HAD NO IDEA WERE ACTUALLY INTERTWINED. REALLY, DAVIES AN EXPERT OF GRAND GESTURES AND WORLD BUILDING, WHICH MAKE HIM PERFECT FOR SHOW-RUNNING.
3. CONCEPTUAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL VILLAINS – IN THE MOST RECENT YEARS, DR. WHO DISPLAYS WONDERFUL PENCHANT FOR CREATING VILLAINS THAT HAVE INTRINSIC PSYCHOLOGICAL COMPONENT. WHILE THE HISTORIC ONES MORE STRAIGHT ALLEGORIC-STAND-INS (THE DALEKS ARE NAZIS, THE CYBERMEN ARE COMMUNIST, ETC). THE MODERN WORK IN MORE ABSTRACT CONCEPTS. MOFFAT SEEMS PARTICULAR INTERESTED IN WHAT UNSEEN: THERE A GROUP OF VILLAINS THAT MOVE THAT WHEN YOU DON’T LOOK AT THEM. ANOTHER THAT YOU INSTANTLY FORGET WHEN NOT LOOKING AT THEM. WHAT SOUNDS SO SIMPLE, ACTUALLY HANDLED WITH STUNNING COMPREHENSIVENESS, DIVING INTO THE DETAILS OF WHAT THAT REALLY MEANS (WHAT IF YOU HAVE TO BLINK? OR HOW REMEMBER AN ENEMY YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY REMEMBER?). IN WORLD WHERE J.J. ABRAMS REALLY SEEM CONTENT JUST GIVE US BORING OLD SAMEY ALIENS THAT HAVE NO EFFECT, DR. WHO ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN PROVING THINGS THAT REALLY FEEL NEW AND DISTINCT.
4. WHILE THE SHOW CAN TAKE ON ANY FORM, IT STILL HAVE REMARKABLE SIMILARITY OF TONE TO BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, WHICH IN CASE NO HAVE SEEN ONE OF THE BEST SHOWS OF ALL TIME.(5) IT GOES BEYOND THE SIMPLE BALANCING OF INDIVIDUAL ADVENTURES WITH THE OVERALL ARC AND “BIG BAD.” IT EMBRACE MANY OF THE SAME STORYTELLING CONVENTIONS: THE NARRATIVE CAN SHIFT, CHARACTERS CAN REVERSE PERSONALITIES FOR A TIME (ALL IN THE NAME OF GOOD-OLE TV FUN), BUT IT ALSO DONE SO WITH ACUTE SENSE OF HOW TO PLAY THOSE TROPES. THE ONLY MAJOR DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO COMES BACK TO OPTIMISM. NOT TO IMPLY THE WORLD OF BUFFY A CYNICAL ONE, BUT OFTEN SHE SEEMED A MERE CANDLE IN THE DARK, STEMMING THE ONSLAUGHT OF HORROR. MEANWHILE, THE WORLD OF DR. WHO MORE INCLUSIVE OF MAN’S OWN CONTRIBUTIONS AND THE INNATE GOODNESS OF ALL PEOPLE.
5. EVERY SHOW HAVE INHERENT PROBLEMS OR LIMITATIONS OF CONCEIT, BUT DR. WHO HAS NEIGH-UNCANNY ABILITY FOR GLIDING OVER IT’S PROBLEMS WITH GRACE AND HUMOR. FOR ONE, IT A SHOW THAT SELF-AWARE, BUT NOT PAINFULLY OR PARALYZINGLY SELF AWARE. . THINK WHAT HAPPEN WITH THE SIMPSONS AND HOW IT STOPPED TELLING STORIES BECAUSE IT BECAME TOO PAINFULLY SELF-AWARE OF ITS OWN STORYTELLING DYNAMICS.(6) AND LIKE ANYTHING, THERE BEEN SOME MORE DULL EPISODES, BUT RARELY AN ACTUAL MISSTEP. AND WHEN THERE ACTUAL MIS-STEPS, THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO RECOVER. ALSO THE PROBLEMS OF INDIVIDUAL EPISODES TEND GET FORGIVEN EASIER WHEN BLASTING THROUGH SHOW AT RAPID PACE, BUT IN TURN, THE LEGITIMACY OF ARCS AND THEIR PACING WAY MORE ACUTELY SENSED. IT REWARD GOOD GRADUAL STORYTELLING. WHICH DR. WHO SURPRISINGLY HAVE.
THE SIMPSONS STRETCHED THE IN-JOKE AND FOREVER LOST THE AFFECT OF SCENES LIKE THIS
6. ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE ASPECT THAT THERE A COMPLETELY LACK OF FAUX-DRAMA. FAUX-DRAMA A SPECIFIC THING WHERE THEY SUDDENLY DECIDE TO MAKE A CHARACTER DO SOMETHING UNLIKABLE TO CREATE THEIR OWN DRAMA, RARELY FOR GOOD REASON. IT A TV STAPLE DONE BUT IN NAME OF CREATING CONFLICT BUT IT VERY DIFFICULT THING TO ACHIEVE. IT SEEM FALSE BECAUSE IT FEEL FALSE. THINK JULIE TAYLOR SUDDENLY BECOMING INSUFFERABLE BRAT IN SEASON 2 OF FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS. HULK SENSED THE WRITERS WANTED TO EXPLORE CONCEPT OF HOW TEENS SUDDENLY BECOME SELFISH, BUT SUDDENLY SHE WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON. PEOPLE DON’T JUST SUDDENLY BECOME UNADJUSTED. THIS NOT IMPLY HULK ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO DISLIKE WHEN CHARACTERS DO THINGS HULK NO LIKE. THAT INSIPID. IT JUST SOME SHOWS HAVE TACT WITH THEIR UNLIKABLE-NESS (THINK SIX FEET UNDER), IN WHICH CHARACTERS MOSTLY DO HORRIBLE THINGS TO EACH OTHER. ANYWHO, AS OF 5 AND 1/2 SEASONS OF DR. WHO THEY YET TO DO THAT ONCE. IT JUST A MARK OF GOOD WRITING.
6. ONE OF HULK’S LITTLE FAVORITE THINGS HOW IT CONSTANTLY THROW OFF OUR SENSE OF AMERI-CENTRISM. IT JARRING TO SEE ALIENS LAND ON EARTH AND MAKE WAY FOR THIS MYSTERIOUS “LONDON” PLACE. IT ACTUALLY JARRING BECAUSE AMERICANS, WHO IN CONTROL OF MEDIA AND STUFF, REGULARLY SEE THEMSELVES AS CENTER OF UNIVERSE: “WHY THOSE ALIENS NOT LANDING IN NEW YORK?!?!!?” THIS, OF COURSE, JUST A CONDITIONED RESPONSE. THOUGH IT BEAR MENTIONING THAT THE DAVIES ERA ONCE OR TWICE WENT A LITTLE TOO FAR IN ITS OWN RIGHT OF LONDON THINKING IT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. BUT REALLY THE ANGLO-CENTRICISM JUST WONDERFUL. IT HAVE THIS ADDED BENEFIT OF INCORPORATING MULTI-ETHNIC CAST THAT SOMEWHAT FREE FROM THE ETHNIC ASSOCIATIONS WE MAKE OF THEM IN AMERICA AND THE SHOW NOT BAT AN EYE AT THE INCLUSION OF BLACK OR PAKISTANI ACTORS.(7)
7. THE MUSIC OF MURRAY GOLD. WITH THE INCLUSION OF SEASON 5’S WORK, IT NOT JUST THE BEST SCORED SHOW ON TELEVISION, IT TRANSCEND TELEVISION. IT “REALLY GOOD MOVIE SCORE” GOOD.
OBVIOUSLY, THIS JUST NOT THE FREQUENT TELEVISION “MOOD MUSIC” AND “TONES.” NOPE. DR. WHO NOT AFRAID TO BIG, BOMBASTIC. AND IMPOSSIBLY GRAND. BUT AGAIN, THE SCALE OF THE MUSIC FIT THE SCALE OF THE SHOW. AND THE OTHER PART OF THE MUSIC’S SUCCESS BECAUSE THEY SUBSCRIBE TO KUBRICKS “MUSIC WORKS LIKE A CHORUS” THEORY A BIT MORE THAN MOST… HINT: KUBRICK AIN’T NO SLOUCH.
8. BILLIE PIPER, FREEMA AGYEMAN, CATHERINE TATE, AND KAREN GILLAN MANAGE TO INFUSE MORE PERSONALITY AND NUANCE INTO THEIR CHARACTERS THAT JUST ABOUT EVERY OTHER FEMALE IN AMERICAN SCI FI/GENRE. WAIT, THAT WAY TOO LIMITED. THEY MIGHT BE FOUR OF HULK’S FOUR FAVORITE WRITTEN WOMEN IN TV… EASY … ALSO HULK FULLY WILLING TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT MAYBE JUST THE ACCENTS.
9. EVERY TIME YOU THINK YOU NO LIKE A CHARACTER… WAIT. THE SHOW KNOW HOW TO EXECUTE CHARACTER ARCS BETTER THAN ALMOST ANY OTHER SHOW.
PART THREE – FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SEEN THE ENTIRE SHOW AND BEEN WAITING FOR HULK TO TALK SPECIFICS!
SERIOUSLY. IF YOU NO SEEN GO AWAY. THIS WILL ONLY RUIN THINGS.
[WAITING TIL YOU GO AWAY]
OKAY…
LET’S TALK WHO!
CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON – AT THIS POINT IT SORT OF HARD TO REMEMBER HOW MUCH HULK LIKED CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON AND HOW HE COMPARE TO THE OTHER TWO GUYS. HE HAVE BENEFIT OF BEING HULK’S “FIRST DOCTOR” BUT HULK ABSORBED HIM IN SUCH RAPID WAY THAT HE NOT REALLY SINK IN. AND THEN THERE THE MATTER THAT THE FIRST SEASON SOMEWHAT UNEVEN. HULK REMEMBER FINDING HIM QUITE LIKABLE FOR WHAT IT WORTH, THOUGH HULK ALSO REMEMBER HIM ONLY REALLY HAVING TWO DOCTOR MODES – DOPEY + SMILEY AND THEN YELLING + SERIOUS. THAT PROBABLY NOT FAIR, BUT IT WHAT HULK REMEMBER.
DAVID TENNANT – ACTUALLY, ECCLESTON MUST HAVE HAD MORE NUANCE THAN HULK REMEMBER, BECAUSE HULK AT FIRST THOUGHT TENNANT COMING OUT THE GATE A BIT BROAD AND MANIC FOR HULK’S TASTE. HULK REMEMBER MISSING THE LACK OF CONTROL. AND THEN… WELL… YEAH. TENNANT ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. HIS RUN SPANNED 4 YEARS AND HE JUST REMARKABLE, MIXING ABOUT 9 DIFFERENT KINDS OF COMIC PERSONAS. AND AS FOR HIS MOMENTS OF SOLEMNITY HE CAN ACQUIT HIMSELF BEAUTIFULLY. HIS “I’M SO SORRY” SPEECHES BECAME BIT OF CLICHE, BUT FOR GOOD REASON. THEY ABSURDLY EFFECTIVE AND NONE BETTER THAN HIS FINALE “SO SORRY” SPEECH AT THE END OF “THE WATERS OF MARS.” AS HE TALKED INTO THAT CAMERA HULK NOT GONNA LIE. THERE SOME HULK TEARS. JUST INCREDIBLE. THERE FAMOUS ANECDOTE ABOUT HOW DAVID TENNANT WATCHED DR. WHO AND SAID “I WANT TO DO THAT.” AND THEN WENT ABOUT HIS LIFE TURNING THAT INTO REALITY. FOR MOST PEOPLE WATCHING THE SHOW TODAY, TENNANT IS “THEIR DOCTOR.”
MATT SMITH -WELL IF DAVID TENNANT BORN TO PLAY DR. WHO THEN MATT SMITH BORN TO PLAY ANYONE. HOLY SHIT WHAT AN ACTOR. HIS RAPID SPEED DELIVERY, WHICH TOTALLY JARRING AT FIRST, COMES TO BE ONE OF THE MOST ENJOYABLE THINGS ON PLANET. IT AN UNSTOPPABLE WEAPON. LIKE KAREEM’S SKYHOOK OR JORDAN’S FALL-AWAY.(8) THE SHOW GET IMPOSSIBLE MILEAGE OF WATCHING SMITH WALK INTO A GROUP OF PEOPLE AND JUST START TALKING. AND BY THE END OF SEASON 5 (AND ESPECIALLY IN THE FIRST PART OF SEASON 6), SMITH HAVE TOTAL CONFIDENCE TOO. HE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE DOING AND HOW TO PACE THE PERSONA THAT MAKE THE RAPID-FIRE DOCTOR WORK (ALSO THE WRITERS HAVE A BETTER SENSE OF HIS AMAZING CAPACITY TO FLING WORDS ABOUT). THERE JUST A LITANY OF AMAZING MOMENTS WITH SMITH: THE “I’M THE DOCTOR” SPEECH AT THE END OF HIS FIRST EPISODE. THE INCREDIBLE SPEECH AT STONEHENGE. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS INTERACTIONS WITH RORY. AND ONE OF THINGS HULK LIKE THAT MATT SMITH’S DOCTOR FEELS MORE OUT OF CONTROL. ALL THE DOCTORS SORT OF UNHINGED, BUT THE DARKNESS IN SMITHS FEEL LESS “SAFE” THAN THE OTHERS. FROM A NARRATIVE PERSPECTIVE IT GREAT BECAUSE IT ALLOW FOR REAL FEELING OF DANGER INSTEAD OF JUST THE IDEA OF DANGER.
BILLIE PIPER – SHE SORTA BOXY, SORTA TRASHY, BUT SHE OUT-AND-OUT JOY. HAS THE FLIRTATIOUS SMILE DOWN TO A SCIENCE AND YOU COMPLETELY BUY HER AS SOMEONE GENUINELY CONCERNED WITH PEOPLE. HER ARC DOWNRIGHT FANTASTIC. SHE “THE COMPANION” OF THE NEW INCARNATION AND DESERVE EVERY BIT OF PRAISE SHE EVER GOTTEN. THE SHOW KNEW EXACTLY WHO SHE WAS AND WHAT TO DO WITH HER.
FREEMA AGYEMAN – ALSO INCREDIBLE. HULK THINK HULK LIKED HER MORE THAN MOST, BUT THIS IN LARGE PART DUE TO WHAT HULK THOUGHT WAS GREAT INTRODUCTION EPISODE. IT TRUE HER ARC SORT OF PETERED OUT AND HERS THE STORY OF UNREQUITED LOVE (AREN’T THEY ALL IN THIS SHOW?) BUT THERE SOME SORT OF JUST “OH WELL” ABOUT HOW SHE WENT ON HER DEPARTURE. ALSO, HULK SORT OF DISAPPOINTED WITH HOW HER POST-SEASON 3 GUEST SPOTS TURNED OUT… OH WELL.
CATHERINE TATE – WHAT A TURN… THE ONE EVERYONE HATED BECAME OH SO LOVED… SHE ALSO THE FUNNIEST COMPANION BY END OF HER RUN.
KAREN GILLAN – SHE NOT POLISHED ACTRESS THE SAME WAY THE OTHERS WERE AND SHE NOT HAVE INNATE FLIRTATIOUSNESS THAT PIPER HAD, BUT SHE HAVE OTHER THINGS THAT PERHAPS LESS EVIDENT. OKAY THE MOST EVIDENT THING THAT SHE FREAKING GORGEOUS, BUT THAT NOT DO IT FOR ACTRESSES. NOT BE LONG SHOT. LUCKILY, THERE SO MUCH MORE. SHE, LIKE ALL COMPANIONS, MADE BEAUTIFUL NOT BY WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE BUT WHO THEY ARE. FOR ONE, A FASCINATING STORY BUILT AROUND A SUBTLE CASE OF ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. A CHARACTER WHO EQUALLY NEVER QUITE COMFORTABLE WITH HERSELF, ALWAYS UNSURE. THE SHOW KNOWS EXACTLY HOW TO WRITE FOR KAREN’S STRENGTHS, HER WIDE EYED VULNERABILITY, HER ALPHA-FEMALE INSTINCTS, AND HER GANGLY-AWKWARD PRESENCE. HULK FASCINATED BY THE CHARACTER OF AMY POND AND CAN NO WAIT FOR MORE.
RUSSELL T. DAVIES – HE A GREAT SHOW-RUNNER AND KNEW HOW TO CONSTRUCT A SEASON OF TELEVISION, BUT HULK THINK HE HONESTLY NOT THAT THAT GREAT A WRITER. LOOKING OVER HIS ENTIRE WORK IN THE SERIES, HE WROTE MOST OF THE SPECIALS, PREMIERS, FINALES, ETC. BUT THOSE CATERED TO HIS BIG GRAND GESTURES. THEY WERE NOT REALLY TIGHT BITS OF STORYTELLING. HULK ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE “SMITH AND JONES” (FREEMA’S INTRODUCTION TO SERIES) ACTUALLY HIS BEST EPISODE BY FAR. HULK THINK HIS WORST EPISODE ACTUALLY “MIDNIGHT” WHICH START PROMISING AND HAVE SOME GREAT IDEAS, BUT HE NEVER REALIZED HAVING PEOPLE YELL AT EACH OTHER FOR 1 HOUR STRAIGHT THE LEAST EFFECTIVE MODE OF STORYTELLING EVER (HORROR MOVIES MAKE THIS MISTAKE ALL THE TIME).
STEVEN MOFFAT – AND THEN THERE THIS GENIUS. MOFFAT’S INDIVIDUAL EPISODES PROBABLY INCLUDE 13 OF THE 17 BEST IN THE SERIES. BUT OVERALL WORK AS SHOW-RUNNER STILL SLIGHTLY UNEVEN (THE ONE-OFF STORIES IN SEASON SIX MUCH BETTER THAN SEASON 5. “HUNGRY EARTH” / “COLD BLOOD” = LEGITIMATELY BAD). HULK THINK THAT SOME PEOPLE CRITICIZE THE MOFFAT ERA AS NOT BEING AS “FUN” BUT HULK LARGELY BELIEVE THAT BECAUSE THEY CHANGED THE CINEMATOGRAPHY MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. EVERYTHING SORT OF HAVE WASHED-OUT GRAY LOOK NOW, WHICH HAVE PLUSES AND MINUSES, BUT IT ONE OF THOSE STRANGE THINGS WHERE IT REALLY AFFECTING SOME PEOPLE. BUT AGAIN, STEPHEN MOFFAT’S SCRIPTS SHOULD BE TAUGHT IN FILM SCHOOLS.
YES THAT CAREY MULLIGAN
BEST EPISODE – HOW IN THE WORLD HULK GOT TO REACH THE EPISODE WITH ABSOLUTELY ZERO BUILDUP HULK NOT KNOW, BUT “BLINK” ONE OF THE BEST HOURS OF TELEVISION. PERIOD.
LITTLE THINGS HULK LOVES:
-THE INCREDIBLE ARC OF RORY WILLIAMS – THE SCHLUBBY “OTHER GUY” A STAPLE OF STORYTELLING AND IT ONE THAT MOFFAT SOUGHT TO REVISE WITH LASER LIKE ACCURACY. RORY’S JOURNEY TO BECOMING “THE LAST CENTURION” ONE OF THE TRUE JOYS OF GETTING TO WATCH A CHARACTER ARC AND NOW IT IN SUCH AN INTERESTING PLACE. RORY HAS 1000 YEARS ON THE DOCTOR AFTER ALL.
-NEIL GAIMAN’S EPISODE = PERFECT.
-THE INFINITE POSSIBILITIES OF RIVER SONG
-ROSE SAYING “EVFREEFING.”
-ROSE’S MOM
-THE JUXTAPOSITION OF DONNA NOBLE BEING GREAT SET-UP FOR WHY HE PICK MARTHA JONES.
-MARTHA JONES IN THE LAB COAT.
-THEN COMING AROUND ON DONNA NOBLE
-DAVID TENNANT PULLING OUT THE GLASSES
-THE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT OF AMY POND AND HOW THE SHOW DEALS WITH SUCH CARE.
-THE FACE OF BOE AND WHO IT MIGHT BE
-THAT THEY CAME TO UNDERSTAND THAT DALEKS ARE MOSTLY JUST FUNNY.
GENERAL QUESTIONS:
-WHY DID MICKEY AND MARTHA END UP TOGETHER AGAIN? SORTA SEEMED A LITTLE THROW-AWAY-Y AND SHE HAD HER OTHER DUDE WE LIKED.
-WHO THOUGHT “VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED” WAS GOOD IDEA?
-WATCHING THE SHOW ALL AT ONCE… IT REALLY KINDA ANNOYING TO HAVE SO MUCH TORCHWOOD CROSSOVER FUCKING EVERYWHERE. ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HULK BARELY WATCHED IT. BAD MOVE ON THEIR PART? ON HULK’S?
HULK’S FAVORITE LINES:
“I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST A MADMAN WITH A BOX.” / “THERE’S SOMETHING YOU BETTER UNDERSTAND ABOUT ME, ‘CAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT AND ONE DAY YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT. I AM DEFINITELY A MADMAN WITH A BOX.”
DOCTOR: “_____ ARE COOL”
“FEAR ME I’VE KILLED HUNDREDS OF TIME LORDS” / “FEAR ME I’VE KILLED ALL OF THEM.”
“BITING’S EXCELLENT. IT’S LIKE KISSING ONLY THERE IS A WINNER.”
‘I’VE SEEN FAKE GODS AND BAD GODS AND DEMIGODS AND WOULD-BE GODS; OUT OF ALL THAT, OUT OF THAT WHOLE PANTHEON, IF BELIEVE IN ONE THING… JUST ONE THING… I BELIEVE IN HER.”
“BUT FOR ONE MOMENT. ONE SHINING MOMENT. SHE WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE.”
AND THEN… THERE THIS:
EPIC.
ENDNOTES
(1) – THERE A FAIR AMOUNT OF ADULTS WHO SOME WATCHED THE OLDER ITERATION OF THE SHOW (THE ONES WHO COULD GET PAST THE VIDEO PRODUCTION AESTHETICS), BUT WITH THE MODERN ITERATION, ESPECIALLY HULK’S GENERATION, IT JUST NOT KNOWN ON LEVEL OF POPULARITY IT SHOULD BE. IT NOW JUST REACHING THE LEVEL OF SMALL-CABLE-SIZED HIT WITH LITTLE CULTURAL PENETRATION BEYOND THE FANS THAT DESPERATELY LOVE IT. STILL, THERE DEFINITELY A MOVEMENT GROWING BEHIND AND HULK WANT THROW SUPPORT BEHIND THAT. SO, YOU KNOW, THIS COLUMN.
(2) – WHY NO OLDER SHOWS ON THAT LIST? THE TRUTH THAT THERE JUST TOO SEVERE A DIFFERENCE IN QUALITY OF TELEVISION POST-SOPRANOS AS OPPOSED TO PRE-SOPRANOS. IT HAVE THE SAME EFFECT AS THE HAYS CODE. OF COURSE THERE A MILLION INCREDIBLE TV SHOWS OF NON-MODERN INTEREST: MARY TYLER MOORE (SHOULD BE A TV-WRITERS TEXT BOOK), CHEERS, ALL IN THE FAMILY, THE WONDER YEARS, HILL ST. BLUES, ETC. THEY GREAT THEY JUST LIMITED IN THEIR SCOPE AND POSSIBLITY. IT TOTALLY NOT A MATTER OF JUST BEING ABLE TO SAY “FUCK.” IT A MATTER OF BEING ABLE TO EXPLORE CONCEPTS IN A CINEMATIC WAY, OR SERIALIZED CHARACTER STUDY. THAT THE BIG CHANGE. TV SHOWS NEVER MEANT TO HAVE SHELF LIFE AND DURATION BEYOND REPEATS. EVEN HILL STREET BLUES WAS ABOUT BEING INTERESTING “THAT WEEK” AND NOT TELLING A LARGER STORY (THOUGH THEY COULD DO THAT). AND THE SERIALIZED STORYTELLING OF THE ERA WAS EITHER JUVENILE OR NOT-SO-GOOD PULPY. THERE JUST TOO MANY DIFFERENCES IN THE APPROACH. A POSSIBLE COMPARISON = THE DEAD-BALL ERA IN BASEBALL. IT JUST NO COMPARE.
(3) -THERE GREAT THEORY THAT JAMES BOND ACTUALLY A TIME LORD. THINK ABOUT IT. IT MAKE PERFECT SENSE.
(4) – IT NO MISTAKE IN MULHOLLAND DRIVE TOO.
(5) – UGH. HERE WE GO. HULK LOVE WHEDON’S WORK BUT HULK NOT A “WHEDON PERSON” IF THAT MAKE SENSE. THERE THIS WEIRD TENDENCY OF HIS FANDOM TO BORDER ON MEGALOMANIA, AS IF HE THE ONLY ONE MAKING TRULY EXCELLENT PROGRAMMING WITH DISTINCT VOICE, WHEN ACTUALLY HE JUST ONE OF MANY. HULK IMAGINE THIS HAPPEN FOR SEVERAL REASONS: A) IT CAME AT TIME IN THEIR LIFE THAT THERE JUST NOT MUCH ELSE LIKE IT SO IT HUGELY INFLUENTIAL B) THE WHEDON FANS SO USED TO BE ON THEIR OWN ISLAND AND RIDICULED BY OTHER NERD FANS THAT DIDN’T GET IT THAT THEY CREATED THIS SOLIPSISTIC LIKE MINDSET. NOW IT JUST THIS INGRAINED DEFENSIVE MECHANISM DESPITE THE FACT LOTS PEOPLE FINALLY COME AROUND ON JOSS. WHY TAKE SO LONG? WELL IT DID FOR HULK TOO. HULK SUSPECT IT BECAUSE THERE SERIOUS HURDLES IN JUMPING INTO JOSS’S TONE BECAUSE ON SURFACE IT ALL JUST SEEM KINDA STUPID. BUT ONCE GET INTO IT, IT TRANSCENDENT. WELL, THE SAME WAS TRUE OF DR. WHO. HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHY WE KEEP DOING THIS. WE ASSUME THESE BELOVED THINGS ARE SOME “LESS THAN” AND IT ALWAYS A MISTAKE. AND REMEMBER THIS FROM SOMEHULK WHO LIKE ALL HIS WORK OUTSIDE OF DOLLHOUSE (WHICH STILL FASCINATING IN ITS FAILURE). AND IF YOU KNOW THINK HE NOT GOING TO TURN AVENGERS INTO VERY GOOD MOVIE YOU LIKELY MISTAKEN.
(6) – EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT PROBLEMS WITH THE SIMPSONS, BUT NO ONE SEEMS MENTION THE FACT THAT THE STORYTELLING DISAPPEARED UP ITS OWN ASSHOLE. THEY USED TO USE THE JAMES L. BROOKS MODEL. SEASON 10 IS UNRECOGNIZABLE TO THAT.
(7) – ONE LITTLE THING HULK FIND INTERESTING: THE USE OF THE WORD “BLACK” IN U.K. FAR DIFFERENT THAN HERE. AFRICAN-AMERICAN = THE PROPER WRITTEN NOMENCLATURE IN AMERICA, BUT NOT NECESSARILY IN U.K. WHERE “BLACK” CONSIDERED PERFECTLY PROPER. THIS NOT TO IMPLY BLACK NECESSARILY A “BAD WORD” HERE. IT INTERESTING BECAUSE A LOT OF OTHER EUROPEAN NATIONS HAVE ADOPTED “AFRO-____” NOMENCLATURE, BUT SOMETIMES WE FORGET THAT P.C. TERMINOLOGY NOT NECESSARILY TRANSLATE ACROSS CULTURE. OH AND FOR LOVE OF GOD, NO THINK HULK COMPLAINING P.C. VERBIAGE NOR THINK ONE HAS TO ADHERE TO IT. HULK JUST HIGHLY INTERESTED IN THE LINGUISTIC DISCUSSION. THAT ALL. HULK WANT U.K. READERS INPUT!
(8) – SORRY. THOSE ARE REALLY GOOD BASKETBALL PLAYERS WHO EACH HAD AN UNSTOPPABLE MOVE THAT ALWAYS WENT IN.
(NOTE: AT THIS POINT HULK HOPE IT CLEAR THAT HULK’S “REVIEWS” NOT REALLY TRADITIONAL WAY IN SENSE THAT ONE WOULD READ BEFORE TRYING DECIDE IF WANT SEE MOVIE OR NOT… THOUGH THEY COULD EASILY SERVE THAT PURPOSE. HULK JUST TAKING LOOK AT ONE CENTRAL ASPECT THAT HULK THINK MAKE THE MOVIE SUCCEED OR FAIL AND EXPLORING THAT CENTRAL CONCEPT FULLY. THIS SORT OF WHAT REGULAR REVIEWS SUPPOSED TO DO, BUT HULK GIVEN THE FREEDOM TO DO WHATEVER WANT SO HULK DOES SO.)
HULK WANT TO MAKE ONE THING CLEAR TO EVERY POTENTIAL STORYTELLER OUT THERE:
THERE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOMETHING BEING A MYSTERY AND HAVING ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE WHO ANYONE IS ON SCREEN.
GOT IT? GOOD.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND HULK NOT TALKING ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE FOLLOW A PLOT. THAT SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY… AND NOT BE A DICK OR ANYTHING, BUT HULK CAN FIGURE OUT PLOTS JUST FINE.(1)
NO, HULK TALKING ABOUT CHARACTER MOTIVATION.
WHAT THAT? IT SOMETHING VERY SIMPLE: IT A CHARACTER’S TANGIBLE GOAL/POINT OF VIEW WITHIN ANY GIVEN SCENE, AND USUALLY SPEAKS TO WHO THAT PERSON IS IN THE OVERALL CONTEXT OF FILM. THEIR MOTIVATION SOMETHING YOU INNATELY SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND, MADE CLEAR BY THE SIMPLEST OF CHARACTER INTERACTIONS. FLIRTATION (“I WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU”), FEAR (“STAY AWAY MISTER!”), ETC. IT MEANS THAT WHEN TWO CHARACTERS TALK YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT ONE PERSON WANT AND WHAT ANOTHER WANTS. THEN YOU TEND TO ROOT FOR THE ONE YOU LIKE. AND GUESS WHAT? THIS PERSON OFTEN WANT SOMETHING YOU AS THE AUDIENCE WANT TOO. AS FOR THE ONE YOU DON’T LIKE? YOU ROOT AGAINST THEM . THIS SIMPLE INTERACTION OF CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS THE ENTIRE BASIS OF CONFLICT. AND IN CASE UNAWARE, TANGIBLE CONFLICT = THE ENTIRE BASIS OF STORYTELLING.
COWBOYS AND ALIENS HAVE, LIKE, NO CLEAR CHARACTER MOTIVATION… EVER.
THE PROBLEM STARTS WITH FACT THAT THE MOVIE TAKE THEIR MAIN CHARACTER (DANIEL CRAIG) AND SMUSH TOGETHER TWO VERY BASIC ARCHETYPES: THE BAD-ASS POSTURING HERO AND THE MAN WITH NO MEMORY. IT MISCALCULATION ON THE MOST BASIC UNDERSTANDING OF CHARACTER AND STORYTELLING. THE BAD-ASS POSTURING HERO SOMEONE WHO “COOL.” TO BE SO SIMPLE AND COOL THEY MADE UP OF VERY SIMPLE MOTIVATIONS. THEY HAVE HONOR CODES AND YET TEETER ON THE EDGE OF GOOD AND BAD. AND THAT CLEARLY WHO THEY WANT THEIR MAIN DANIEL CRAIG CHARACTER TO BE. THE PROBLEM THAT HE ALSO “THE MAN WITH NO MEMORY” WHICH INNATELY A VERY DIFFERENT KIND OF PERSONALITY. THEY HAVE TO BE A DETECTIVE. A VERBALIZING CONDUIT OF EXPLANATION-AS-THEY-EXPERIENCE IT. HULK CAN THINK OF ONE OBVIOUS EXAMPLE, BUT IT AN ABSOLUTELY FIXTURE OF ANY STORYTELLING WHEN OUR MAIN CHARACTER HAVE TO UNRAVEL THE MYSTERY… BUT THE BAD-ASS HERO DOESN’T DO THAT. THEY BROOD. AND THEY WANDER.
THE NET RESULT OF THIS SMUSHING = A CHARACTER WHO WALKING AROUND WITH ABSOLUTELY NO CLEAR MOTIVATION. IT ABSOLUTELY KILLS ALL MOMENTUM AND NARRATIVE PROPULSION. MOST OF HIS INTERACTIONS INVOLVE FIGHTING PEOPLE THINGS AND HE/WE HAVE NO IDEA WHY HE DOING THAT. HE RESPONDING TO INSTINCTS OF A PERSONA WE NO TRULY UNDERSTAND UNTIL WAY, WAY, TOO LATE. AND THE WAY THESE BITS OF PERSONALITY DRIBBLED OUT COME OFF SO LIMP AND UN-REVEAL-LIKE. WHY? THE IN NAME OF… AMBIGUITY? AND ULTIMATELY, THE DETAILS FINALLY DELIVERED AS MERE LIP-SERVICE TO RENDER THEM SO TRITE AND OBVIOUS THAT THEY NOT WORTH THE MYSTERY WHATSOEVER. THE WRITERS MANAGED TO TURN THE MAN WITH NO MEMORY INTO A WASTED, AIR-LESS PURSUIT AND TURN THE BAD-ASS INTO AN EMPTY VESSEL OF POSTURE.
THIS POSING THE EXTENT OF HIS CHARACTERIZATION
HULK HOPE THAT THIS MOVIE PROVES THAT THIS SPECIFIC CHARACTER SMUSHING SHOULD NEVER, EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
BUT HEY, IT WOULDN’T BE SUCH PROBLEM IF ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS AROUND HIM WERE RIFE WITH MOTIVATION AND INPUT TO DRIVE THE NARRATIVE FORWARD, RIGHT? THEORETICALLY IT COULD BE THE BLANK NARRATOR WITH A COMMUNITY DRIVING THE STORY, RIGHT? PLEASE! RIGHT!??! I WANT TO LIKE THIS MOVIE!!!!!
TOO BAD THE OTHER MAIN LEAD AN INTENTIONALLY-ETHEREAL AND SOMEWHAT VACUOUS OLIVIA WILDE WHO SIMPLY SHOW UP AND DO MYSTERIOUS THINGS FOR THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE RUNNING TIME. FOR ALL HULK KNOW SHE COULD HAVE BEEN PRETTY GOOD IN THIS MOVIE, BUT THERE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THERE FOR HER TO DO. SHE MEANT TO BE A MYSTERY BUT THERE NOTHING THERE TO BOUNCE OFF OF! MYSTERY HAS TO HAVE A CONTEXT AND THERE IS NONE. THEREFORE THERE ZERO CHARACTER MOTIVATION BETWEEN THEM. SERIOUSLY, WE MOSTLY JUST WATCH THESE TWO GRUMBLE BACK AND FORTH AND MAYBE RUN FROM ALIENS WITH THIS MYSTERIOUS AIR ABOUT THEM, NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING. IT COMPLETELY, TOTALLY, INESCAPABLY POINTLESS. WORSE THAN THAT, IT’S BORING.
THERE A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NOT KNOWING WHAT A CHARACTER UP TO AND NOT KNOWING WHO A CHARACTER IS.
THIS PERFECTLY CAPTURES THEIR DYNAMIC... SERIOUSLY
EVEN ON THE MOST STRUCTURAL LEVEL, THE PROBLEM WITH STAGING THIS MOVIE AS A MYSTERY THAT WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT ABOUT: IT ABOUT ALIENS VERSUS-ING PEOPLE FROM THE WILD WEST. THAT IT. THE SPECIFICS ARE ONLY INTERESTING SO FAR AS TO DRIVE THE PLOT FORWARD. AND THE SPECIFICS NOT THAT INTERESTING.
CINEMA HAVE TO HAVE PURPOSE. IT JUST DOES. IF THERE A MYSTERY, WE HAVE TO BE WITH THE CHARACTERS ON THAT TRIP INTO MYSTERY. IT MOST REQUIRE INTRIGUE AND INTRIGUE BORN NOT OUT OF “NOT KNOWING WHAT GOING ON” BUT INSTEAD THE CONFLUENCE OF CONFLICTS. AND MYSTERY DEEPENS NOT JUST BY “LASTING A REALLY LONG TIME” (FOR FUCKS SAKE THIS MOVIE TAKES FOREVER TO GET TO THE ACTUAL CONCEIT) BUT IT DEEPENS WITH REVERSALS OF CHARACTER MOTIVATION AND INTENTION! EVEN WITH BIG CHARACTER TWISTS, THE REAL TWIST NOT THAT SOMETHING/SOMEONE DIFFERENT, IT THAT THERE A TWIST IN MOTIVATION. AS FOR COWBOYS? THE CHARACTER TWIST NOT AFFECT MOTIVATION WHATSOFUCKINGEVER, JUST IDENTITY. THE WHOLE MYSTERY/TWIST/STORYTELLING SCENARIO JUST A MOST BASIC FAILURE OF WRITING ON EVERY LEVEL.
SERIOUSLY, TWO OF THE LEADS ARE MOTIVATION-ZOMBIES.
ONE GOT THE SENSE THE FILMMAKERS REALIZED THIS AND TRIED TO CREATE A HUMAN DYNAMIC THAT MAKE IT ALL WORK.
ENTER: HARRISON FORD AS COLONEL SOMETHING-OR-OTHER. HE THE GRIMY, MEAN-AS-ALL-HELL RICH LANDOWNER WITH A SHIT-FOR-BRAINS SON. HE CRASS. HE MEAN. HE ALMOST DRAWS A MAN IN HALF BUT JUST HAS HIM DRAGGED INSTEAD. HE A SON-OF-A-BITCH FOR SURE. AND AT FIRST IT GREAT. FORD CHEWING SCENERY AND HULK COULDN’T WAIT FOR HIM TO BE AN OLD BASTARD THROUGHOUT THIS THING. MAYBE HE’LL HAVE A LITTLE TURN HERE AND THERE, BUT THIS THE CHARACTER WE GIVEN AND THE AUDIENCE READY TO GO ON A RIDE WITH THIS GUY.
… THEN HE GETS THIS BIG OLE’ GOOFY CHARACTER ARC. HULK IMAGINE WE SUPPOSED TO CARE BUT UNFORTUNATELY IT ONE OF THE MOST HAPHAZARDLY WRITTEN TRANSFORMATIONS HULK CAN REMEMBER. SURE ALL THE PIECES THERE, THEY JUST REVEALED IN A COMPLETELY BAT SHIT CONTEXT AND SCENE ORDER. HE SORT OF JUST SHOWS UP AND IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON DEPENDING ON THE SCENE. EVENTUALLY ONE CAN JUST USE THE PIECES TO SORT OF MAKE SENSE WHAT HE DOING, BUT IT TAKE A LOT OF FORGIVING ON AUDIENCE’S PART. MOSTLY IT JUST STRANGE.
WHY THIS HAPHAZARDNESS IMPORTANT? BECAUSE IT GO BACK TO WHAT HULK SAID BEFORE: CHARACTER MOTIVATION. IT SHOULD BE A JOURNEY. SOMETHING THE AUDIENCE UNDERSTAND AND EVOLVES WITH. AND THAT NOT THE CASE HERE. IT SHOWCASE A COMPLETE LACK OF UNDERSTANDING. THEY HAD AN IDEA WHO THIS PERSON WAS AND WHO THEY WANTED HIM TO EVENTUALLY BE, BUT HAD NO IDEA HOW TO GET THERE. IT LIKE THROWING ALL THE INGREDIENTS IN A BOWL AND CALLING IT A CAKE (THE AUDIENCE WOULD KILL FOR HIS CHARACTER TO BE MERELY CONSIDERED HALF-BAKED). AND IT BEAR MENTIONING THAT FORD AT LEAST GIVING IT HIS ALL. HIS SNARLING BADASS THE MOST FUN HULK HAD WITH HIM SINCE 1993 (AT LEAST UNTIL THIS CLIP). AND EVEN BY THE END HIS CHEESE-BALL TAKE ON THINGS STILL PRETTY DECENT IN TERMS OF PERFORMANCE. THE WRITING JUST MAKE IT ALL A WASTE AND THAT A SHAME.
NOT THIS BIG OF A SHAME THOUGH
SO THE THREE LEADS STRIKE OUT IN TERMS OF WRITING, SO WHAT ABOUT THE REST?
OH YEAH, THERE’S A “THE REST.”
ONE COULD TELL THE AIM OF THE MOVIE TO SET UP THAT STAGECOACH-LIKE CAST OF CHARACTERS THAT WE CARE ABOUT AND MAKE UP A BIG OLE’ GANG. USUALLY THE PURPOSE OF THIS TO GIVE THE MAIN CHARACTER A CONTEXT WITHIN LARGER STORY, SHOW THE FULL RANGE OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE AND PERSPECTIVE, AND POSSIBLY PROVIDE THE AUDIENCE WITH A FEW MOMENTS TO WELL UP AND FEEL SAD WHEN ONE OR MORE OF THEM DIES. BUT THE TRUE JOY OF ANY ENSEMBLE TO SEE THEM INTERACT AS A GROUP AND THEN GIVE THEM ALL MOMENTS WITH EACH OTHER THAT DEFINE THEM IN DIFFERENT LIGHT. IT THE VERY PURPOSE OF AN ENSEMBLE.
COWBOYS, MEANWHILE, JUST DECIDES TO PAIR THEM OFF AND GIVE THEM ALL THE SAME EXACT PLOT MOTIVATIONS. THREE MAIN CHARACTERS EACH LOSE SOME SIGNIFICANT OTHER AND THEN COME ALONG ON THE HUNT TO GET THEM BACK. SURE, THEY ALL SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT PEOPLE BUT THEY ALL HAVE TO MAN UP AND FIND SOME SORT OF COURAGE IN A VERY, VERY SIMILAR WAY. IN FACT, THE MOVIE LOVE TO DOUBLE UP ON THE SAME PLOT-LINES CONSTANTLY. THERE’S THE AFOREMENTIONED CRAIG AND WILDE MYSTERY DYNAMIC. AND HARRISON NOT JUST HAVE ONE BROKEN FATHER/SON RELATIONSHIP, BUT APPARENTLY THIS COMPLETE LACK OF DEPTH DESERVING OF TWO BAD FATHER/SON RELATIONSHIPS! NATURALLY, THE MOVIE MAKES THE MISTAKE OF WAITING WAY TOO LONG TO CLARIFY THAT THIS WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENING AND HULK GUESS THE TWO ARE SUPPOSED TO COMMENT ON EACH OTHER BUT IT NOT WORK LIKE THAT WHATSOEVER. IT JUST REPETITIVE SURROGACY DUE TO THE FACT HIS SON NOT AROUND AT MOMENT. THIS KIND OF STUFF AMATEUR HOUR BY THE WAY, IN THE MOST BASIC OF SCREENWRITING CLASSES ONE LEARNS THAT WHEN YOU HAVE MULTIPLE, SIMILAR PLOT-LINES AND CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS YOU JUST ASSIMILATE THEM INTO ONE ROUNDED CHARACTER WHO HANDLES IT. UNFORTUNATELY, THESE WRITES WERE SICK THAT DAY.
AND FOR FUCK’S SAKE THERE LIKE ONE ACTUAL GROUP SCENE WHERE THEY INTERACT IN THAT WONDERFUL ENSEMBLE-Y WAY AND IT LASTS, LIKE, FIVE SECONDS. HULK SPEAKING OF COURSE OF THE SUPER BRIEF CAMPFIRE SCENE, AND GOLLY GEE, IT HAPPENS TO BE THE VERY SCENE WHERE EVERYONE CLEARLY EXPRESSING THEIR CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS FOR ONCE! AS RESULT? BASIC CHARACTER CONFLICT! HURRAY! THEY INTERACT. THEY BOUNCE OF EACH OTHER.THE CAN FINALLY CRACK JOKES. AND IT NOT THAT THE PLOT MAKING SENSE IT THAT THE CHARACTERS FINALLY MAKING SENSE.
UGH. IT JUST MAKE HULK SMASHY. THIS STUFF NOT THAT HARD. IT REALLY NOT. IT STUFF THAT JUST GETS PASSED ALONG THE CRAZY CONFUSION OF GREEN-LIGHTING A MOVIE WITHOUT A SCRIPT.
THE RESULT JUST AN ABSOLUTE DEBACLE OF A SCREENPLAY.
EVEN THIS PART SUCKS
… SO WHO ACTUALLY RESPONSIBLE? THAT WHAT MATTERS, RIGHT? ACCREDITED BLAME?
FIRST OFF, THIS MOVIE HAD LIKE 19 WRITERS (OKAY 5 CREDITED PLUS ONE EXTRA FOR STORY) BUT THAT MEAN ONE OF TWO THINGS. EITHER SOMEONE FUCKED UP WHAT ALREADY THERE OR NO ONE COULD EVER FIGURE IT OUT… HULK LEANING TO THE LATTER. ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT THE PRIMARY FAILURE AT THE MOMENTUM-KILLING SMUSHING OF CRAIG’S TWO ARCHETYPES.
THE BIGGEST “NAME” WRITER ATTACHED TO THIS MOVIE = DAMON LINDELOF. HULK LOVED LOST AS MUCH NEXT HULK (ALBEIT SOME PROBLEMS WITH THE FINALE). BUT USUALLY HE MUCH MORE CAPABLE THAN THIS. HE NOT HAPHAZARD. HIS CHARACTERIZATION SO DAMN FUCKING STRONG. SURE, HE INDULGE IN “MYSTERY” FAR TOO MUCH FOR OWN GOOD AND PERHAPS THAT WHY THIS SCRIPT HEADED THAT WAY, BUT IT ALWAYS GROUNDED. BUT WHO KNOWS. MAYBE HE THE CULPRIT WHO TRIED TO IMBUE THESE MAIN CHARACTERS IN THE UNKNOWN WHEN THAT PRECISELY WHAT ROB THE MOVIE OF MOMENTUM INSTEAD OF ADDING INTRIGUE. HULK NOT KNOW.
THEN THERE THE WRITING TEAM OF MARK FERGUS AND HAWK OSTBY, WHO RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AWESOMELY-WRITTEN IRON MAN (JUST THE FIRST ONE), A GREAT LITTLE FIRST MOVIE CALLED FIRST SNOW, AND THEN A MOTHER-FUCKING STRAIGHT UP MASTERPIECE IN CHILDREN OF MEN. WHERE ARE THEY IN THIS MOVIE? HULK HAVE NO IDEA. THE WHOLE THING COULD HAVE BEEN THEIR FAULT, IT JUST THAT HULK CAN NO IMAGINE ALL THE PROBLEMS IN THIS THEIR FAULT. THEIR TRACK-RECORD TOO GOOD. THIS EDUCATED-BIAS? SURE. BUT THAT THE INFORMATION AT HAND.
WHICH LEAVES ROBERT ORCI AND ALEX KURTZMAN.
HULK THINK THEY SHOULD JUST GO AWAY… NOW.
HOW THESE TWO SOME OF THE MOST SOUGHT AFTER BLOCKBUSTER WRITERS AROUND? THEY NOT WRITTEN ONE GOOD SCREENPLAY THAT SHOW ANY SORT OF COMPETENT WRITING. AT ALL.
THEY JUST SEEM HAVE TWO GREAT CENTRAL RELATIONSHIPS (JJ ABRAMS AND MICHAEL BAY) AND INCREDIBLE PENCHANT FOR FINDING PEOPLE TO CINEMATICALLY-POLISH THEIR TURD-LADEN SCRIPTS. IN ORDER: STAR TREK (GREAT DIRECTION) AND MISSION IMPOSSIBLE III (SOLID DIRECTION) THE FIRST TRANSFORMERS (MEH). BUT EVERYTHING ELSE A FESTERING SHIT-PILE OF METRICALLY-QUANTIFIABLE ASS-RAPE: TRANSFORMERS 2 REVENGE OF THE FALLEN, THE ISLAND, THE LEGEND OF ZORRO (THE TERRIBLE 2005 SEQUEL) AND A LOT OF REALLY BAD TV RANGING FROM HAWAII 5-0 TO HERCULES: THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS. (2)
WELL HOW ABOUT THAT? WHAT THE CENTRAL THROUGH-LINE OF PRETTY MUCH ALL THESE MOVIES?
TERRIBLE PLOTTING AROUND THE AIR OF “MYSTERY” AND LACK OF TANGIBLE CHARACTER MOTIVATION CAUSING IT.
DING. DING. DING WE HAVE OUR WINNERS IN THE WHO-RUINED-COWBOYS-AND-ALIENS-SWEEPSTAKES!
OKAY, AGAIN, THIS TOTALLY UNFAIR. HULK NOT KNOW THE REAL STORY. NONE OF US WILL WITHOUT INSIDE INFO AND ALL THIS JUST HULK GOING OFF EDUCATED BIAS. NOTHING MORE. THE FINISHED SCRIPT COULD HAVE EASILY JUST THE RESULT OF GOOD INTENTIONS BUT TOO MANY COOKS IN THE KITCHEN. BUT THE AUDIENCE STILL PAY THE PRICE ON END RESULT: IT A BADLY WRITTEN MOVIE NO MATTER WHAT FUCKED IT UP.
WHICH MAKE IT UNFORTUNATE THAT MOST OF THE REPERCUSSIONS GOING TO GO TO JON FAVREAU ON THIS. HULK PRETTY SURE THIS MOVIE WILL NO BE HIT. HULK LIKE JON FAVREAU AS DIRECTOR A LOT. HE NOT EXACTLY TONE DEAF WITH COWBOYS, BUT HE TRYING TO WRANGLE ATMOSPHERE OUT OF A SCRIPT THAT HAVE NO PURPOSE. SOMETIMES HE AIR ON THE SIDE OF WESTERN VISTAS, OR TOUGH GUY ACTION, OR BROAD COMEDY, OR WTF IS HAPPENING-LEVEL-MYSTERY. BUT ULTIMATELY NONE OF THOSE THINGS HIS STRONG SUIT. HIS STRONG SUIT = CHARACTERIZATION. LOOK AT THE CAREER: THE IRON MAN MOVIES, ELF, SWINGERS, ZATHURA(3) THE STRONGEST PART OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE MOVES THE CHARACTERIZATION. SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE GIVEN A SCRIPT WITH ABSOLUTELY NO CLEAR CHARACTER MOTIVATION? IT PROVES THAT ANYONE TALENTED CAN HAVE THE RUG TAKEN OUT FROM THEM.
IT JUST MAKE HULK SAD…
OH AND BY THE WAY. IT 2011. AS MUCH AS WE NEED MOVIES ABOUT THE COMPLEXITY OR RACE RELATIONS IN THE MODERN WORLD, IT NO LONGER 1996. WE CAN DO AWAY WITH THE OBLIGATORY “RACISM IS BAD” PLOT-LINES. OKAY? GOOD.
(1) HULK THINK HULK HAVE PRIMER FIGURED OUT… MOSTLY.
(2) HULK SORRY IF YOU OFFENDED BY ASS-RAPE TERM. HULK TALKING MORE ABOUT THE CONCEPT OF VIOLATION HERE. BESIDES, IT A JOKE. BUT SERIOUSLY, THEIR MOVIES HAVE TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE SCRIPTS.
(3) ZATHURA GETS REMEMBERED AS THE THROWAWAY JUMANJI SEQUEL THAT STARRED DAX SHEPARD BUT IT REALLY WELL MADE FAMILY FILM… SERIOUSLY.
HULK GOING ASK A FAVOR. HULK KNOW IT AN IMPOSITION, AND MAYBE EVEN PRESUMPTUOUS, BUT HULK NOT ASK FOR MUCH. TO BE HONEST, THE MERE FACT THAT SO MANY PEOPLE READ HULK’S BLOG MAKE HULK FEEL ALL WARM INSIDE, SO YOU CERTAINLY DO NOT OWE HULK ANYTHING BY ANY MEANS… BUT HULK GUESS THAT WHY IT A FAVOR.
HULK GOING ASK THAT, IF AVAILABLE IN YOUR CITY, YOU GO SEE ATTACK THE BLOCK THIS WEEKEND.
CALLING A FILM A MASTERPIECE DEFINITELY SETTING UP SOME UNFAIR EXPECTATIONS AND HULK WOULD TOTALLY UNDERSTAND IF YOU NO THINK IT A MASTERPIECE. WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT THINGS WE VALUE + RESPOND TO WITH MOVIES AND HULK HAPPEN TO VALUE TRANSCENDENT GENRE FARE. SOME DON’T. THAT FINE.
BUT YOU WILL STILL LIKE THE MOVIE. THAT FOR SURE.
IT WILL NOT BE LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE YOU’VE SEEN.
IT WILL BE DIFFERENT.
AND IT WILL BE GOOD.
AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU WILL SEE THE SAME THINGS IN THE MOVIE THAT HULK DID. A WONDERFUL FILM THAT SEAMLESSLY BLEND GREAT STORYTELLING, OUTRIGHT HILARITY, SOCIAL COMMENTARY, AND HORROR. EVEN THE SCORE AMAZING. THE FILM FIRE ON ALL CYLINDERS. AND MAYBE YOU’LL AGREE.
HULK KNOW COWBOYS AND ALIENS OUT THIS WEEK AS WELL AND HULK KNOW THAT “THE BIG HOLLYWOOD MOVIE WE ALL SUPPOSED TO SEE!” LOOK, HULK LOVE IRON MAN JUST AS MUCH ANYONE. HULK WANT SEE INVESTED HARRISON FORD TOO.
BUT HULK ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE THAT MOVIE WILL NO BE AS GOOD.
AND IF IT SUPER-IMPORTANT TO YOU TO SEE COWBOYS, THEN HULK URGE YOU TO SEE BOTH FILMS. HULK KNOW MOVIES COST A LOT OF MONEY. HULK KNOW IT BIG TIME COMMITTMENT. HULK TRULY KNOW. BUT HULK GOING TO DO IT AND HULK ALREADY SEEN ATTACK THE BLOCK. BUT HOW OFTEN GET CHANCE HAVE TRULY GOOD “MOVIE WEEKEND”? BESIDES IT, FOR LACK OF BETTER WORD, “IMPORTANT” TO SEEK OUT THE MOVIES THAT HARDER TO FIND. RIGHT? IF WE SUPPOSEDLY CARE ABOUT GETTING GOOD MOVIES IN OUR LIVES, IT VERY IMPORTANT.
SO HULK KNOW IT ASKING LOT.
HULK ASSURE YOU HAVE NO INTEREST IN THIS MOVIE BEYOND THE FACT HULK THINK IT GREAT AND WANT SHARE IT.
TIME FOR THE FIRST ROUND OF HULK MAILBAG QUESTIONS. THIS LOT OF FUN! A COUPLE OF THEM TAKEN FROM HULK’S “ABOUT” PAGE THAT PEOPLE BEEN LEAVING QUESTIONS ON. HULK FEEL THIS BETTER FORMAT. HULK STILL HAVE MORE QUESTIONS TO ANSWER SO FEEL FREE ASK MORE IN COMMENTS BELOW. THEY BE ANSWERED IN NEXT ROUND.
QUESTION #1:
It’s 1,000,000 years in the future and some alien race has made it to earth. All trace of humanity has been erased from the planet earth except for, miraculously, one piece of pop culture and the means for which to view/read/listen to it.
If you had a say in what it is, what would it be? I don’t care how you go with this, it could be something that you feel does a great job at conveying the human condition, it could be something completely mystifying that only serves to confuse or misinform the aliens. It’s up to you.
So, FilmCriticHulk, what say you?
-Ben W.
GREAT QUESTION. IT VASTLY SUPERIOR TO THE FAMILIAR ONE WITH THE “DESERT ISLAND” PARAMETERS. ANYCRAP, HULK BELIEVE THE ANSWER = THE WIRE.
WHILE CAPTURING PERFECT TRUTH OF “REALITY” AN IMPOSSIBILITY FOR FILM/TV, THERE SOME THINGS THAT COME CLOSE… OR AT LEAST STRIVE TO COME CLOSE. THE BEST PART ABOUT YOUR QUESTION THAT IT IMPLY GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. AFTER ALL, HULK FEEL OUR LEGACY ACTUALLY MATTERS. SO HULK WOULD WANT TO CONVEY TO ALIENS SOMETHING THAT BOTH “TRUE” IN A REALISM SENSE, BUT ALSO “TRUE” IN WHAT COULD TEACH THEM THE MOST ABOUT HOW WE LIVED AND ULTIMATELY HOW WE CREATED A SYSTEM DOOMED TO FAIL. AND NOTHING HIGHLIGHT OUR CULTURAL FAILURES LIKE THE WIRE. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, THE GREAT THING THAT IT WOULD ALSO SHOW OUR CAPACITY FOR INNATE GOODNESS. AND THAT WE WERE FUNNY. AND KIND. AND SOMETIMES IRREVERENT. IT WOULD SHOW THAT WE DRANK TOO MUCH. AND MOST OF ALL. THAT WE HAD A PSUEDO-VOLTAIRIAN UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORLD IN WHICH WE TRIED TO CONTROL THE IMMEDIATE THINGS AROUND US, AND SIMPLY DID NOT REALIZE HOW MUCH WE LIVED IN A SYSTEMIC WORLD OF FORCES MUCH BIGGER THAN OUR OWN NATURE. WE BUILT A SOCIETY UPON INSTITUTIONS AND THEN LET THEM GO ASTRAY, EITHER OUT OF PERSONAL GREED OR TURNING OUR BACKS ON OUR COMMUNITY IDEALS. AND WHEN IT MATTERED MOST, WE BARELY LISTENED.
THE WIRE WOULD LET THEM KNOW THAT WE WERE, OFTEN AT THE SAME TIME, OUR BEST AND OUR WORST SELVES.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #2:
Broad question, but what’s the best book regarding film (whether it be filmmaking, film theory, film criticism, etc) you’ve ever read?
Always enjoy reading your stuff. Thanks for doing what you do!
-Mark P.
ANOTHER GREAT QUESTION. HERE A BUNCH BY GENRE: 1) FILM HISTORY – “EASY RIDERS, RAGING BULLS” GREAT NO-BULLSHIT OVERVIEW OF AMERICA’S FILMMAKING APEX IN THE 70’S. REALLY ENJOYABLE READ. AND THE GOSSIPY SHIT TEND TO BE WORTH IT. 2) BEST ESSAY – DAVID FOSTER WALLACE’S ESSAY ON DAVID LYNCH AND THE MAKING OF “LOST HIGHWAY” IN HIS BOOK “A SUPPOSEDLY FUN THING I’LL NEVER DO AGAIN.” IF YOU’VE NEVER READ WALLACE. START WITH THAT BOOK AND THEN “CONSIDER THE LOBSTER” THEN MOVE TO HIS FICTION. HULK WILLING BET MOST PEOPLE HERE READ HIS STUFF, BUT YOU BE SURPRISED HOW MANY UNFAMILIAR, SO IT ALWAYS WORTH MENTIONING. 3) BEST SUPER COMPLICATED FILM THEORY BOOK: ANDREI TARKOVSKY’S “SCULPTING IN TIME” HULK ARGUE THIS THE PINNACLE OF ALL HIS WORK AND HULK A HUGE TARKOVSKY FAN (LESS SOLARIS, MORE THE MIRROR, THE SACRIFICE, ET ALL). 4) BEST BOOK ON INDIVIDUAL FILMMAKER: “KIESLOWSKI ON KIESLOWSKI” HULK ARGUE HE DEFINITELY ONE OF BEST FILMMAKERS OF ALL TIME. GREAT BOOK. AND LASTLY 5) BEST SCREENPLAYS: NO BUY BOOKS ABOUT SCREENWRITING. THEY MOSTLY GARBAGE. FIRST GET RID OF BAD HABITS. FOR HOW TO RESOURCES BUY ACTUAL SCREENPLAYS CAUSE THEY WAY MORE INFORMATIVE (NOT NECESSARILY ORIGINAL DRAFTS, MOST GOOD SCREENPLAYS HAVE BOOK VERSIONS). FOR THE MOST INFORMATIVE ONES, HULK SUGGEST THE WORKS OF PRESTON STURGES (SPECIFICALLY SULLIVAN’S TRAVELS), PADDY CHEYAFSKY (NETWORK, THE HOSPITAL, ALTERED STATES… EVEN MARTY), AND FOR MODERN GUY PAUL ATTANASIO (QUIZ SHOW) EASILY ONE OF THE BEST IN TERMS OF SHOWING HOW USE ECONOMY/ACTION LINES.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #3:
Will hulk be doing a review of the Fooly Cooly (FLCL) I would love to read your take on the TV show? as I can not figure out what makes the show work so well.
-Tommy A.
HULK PROBABLY NOT BEST PERSON ASK ABOUT ANIME. HULK JUST NOT SEEN ENOUGH. AND WHAT HULK SEEN, HULK NOT CRAZY ABOUT. ANIME INTERESTING THING IN THAT HULK FEEL LIKE IT MORE NICHE THAN OTHER NICHE GENRES… OR MAYBE THAT JUST BECAUSE IT ONE OF FEW NICHE GENRES HULK NOT REALLY EXPERIENCED… STILL, HULK WAGER EVERY PERSON HAVE THAT FRIEND WHO TRIED GET THEM WATCH COWBOY BEBOP… DIDN’T REALLY TAKE.
ANYWHO, SINCE HULK NEVER SEEN IT, THE REASON THE SHOW WORK SO WELL BECAUSE IT AN ANIME AND THEREFORE IT PROBABLY HAS ROBOTS, A CORPORATION, AND CONFUSED FEELINGS ABOUT PUBERTY. THAT WHY.
… OKAY SORRY HULK JUST JOKING. TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION FOR REAL HULK WILL LOOK INTO AND TRY AND FIGURE IT OUT. HULK LOVE AN INVESTIGATION AND THIS SEEM LIKE GOOD ONE.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #4:
Sucker Punch. What did you think of it? Doesn’t have to be a full review. Gut reactions are fine.
-Michael S.
BASICALLY, IT DIDN’T WORK. ON A PURE LOGISTICAL LEVEL THE REASON IT NO WORK BECAUSE HULK SURMISE THAT ZACK SNYDER NOT FULLY HONEST WITH HIMSELF ABOUT HIS OWN INTENTIONS. FOR STARTERS, THE IDEA CAME FROM HIS BABYDOLL DRAWING THAT HE BEEN DOODLING FOR YEARS. SO SNYDER LIKE THE BABYDOLL IMAGE. HE ATTRACTED TO IT. HE THINK IT KICK ASS. THIS ALL VERY CLEAR. AND HE WANTED TO EXPLORE THAT CONCEPT USING A MOVIE. THE PROBLEM COME FROM FACT THAT ZACK SNYDER ACTUALLY PRETTY SMART. HIS WIFE ALSO PRETTY SMART. HE KNOWS THAT BABYDOLL AN INFANTILIZING IMAGE. HE KNOWS INFANTILIZATION A PROBLEM AND “NOT RIGHT.” AND SO BECAUSE HE, YOU KNOW, NOT SEXIST AND STUFF, HAD TO TRY AND APPROPRIATE IT INTO SOMETHING THAT MADE STATEMENT ABOUT THIS COMPLEX. HE BUILT ELABORATE NARRATIVE ABOUT MEN ABUSING WOMEN AND DRESSING THEM AND MAKING THEIR FIGHT THEIR OWN BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. THIS NOT TO SAY IT NOT TRUE, IT JUST THAT HULK NOT SURE WHY IT IN THIS PARTICULAR MOVIE. WHY NOT? WELL, LETS JUMP TO RELEVANT TANGENT: LOTS OF FOLKS MAKE THE COMPARISON THAT SUCKER PUNCH THEMATICALLY DUPLICITOUS. IT EXPLOITING YET HIGHLIGHTING THE EXPLOITING. TO BE HONEST HULK THINK DUPLICITY ACTUALLY FINE, IF AND ONLY IF, THE DUPLICITY AN UPFRONT AND HONEST ONE. LIKE IT THE REASON EXPLOITATION LIKE I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE WORK TONALLY. IT EXPLOITATION YET FOR ITS TIME*, IT A REAL PIECE OF FEMINISM (3RD WAVE) BECAUSE HER RAGE, HER VENGEANCE, HER REACTION = ALL HONEST. AND HONESTY MATTERS MORE THAN ANYTHING.
MEANWHILE, THE REASON SUCKER PUNCH NO SUCCEED BECAUSE ZACK SNYDER REALLY WANTED TO MAKE THE MOVIE WHERE BABY DOLL AN ACTION HERO SLAYING SAMURAI ROBOTS, AND THEN BUILT THE REST OF THE MOVIE TO TRY AND INTELLECTUALLY JUSTIFY IT.
… DIDN’T WORK.
*HULK HATE THE EXPRESSION “FOR ITS TIME” CAUSE IT A CRUTCH. PLENTY OF PEOPLE HATED I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE AND FOUND IT SEXIST AND EXPLOITATIVE, E BUT WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF POPULAR DIGESTION “AT THE TIME,” IT WORKED IN TERMS OF 3RD WAVE FEMINISM. SO OKAY.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #5
Do you wear a Stetson now? Because stetsons are cool
HULK GOT THIS QUESTION CAUSE HULK SAID ON TWITTER THAT HULK WEAR A FEZ NOW. FEZZES ARE COOL.
… OKAY HULK CURRENTLY BALLS DEEP INTO THE MOFFAT ERA… IT GLORIOUS. ALMOST ALL CAUGHT UP!
❤ HULK
QUESTION #6:
What did Hulk think of RedLetterMedia’s classic, and eviscerating, series of 90 minute reviews on the new Star Wars trilogy?
-Nerdlinger
HULK LOVED IT. SURE, THE SERIAL KILLER JOKE GETS OLD VERY, VERY, VERY QUICK (BUT HULK IMAGINE SAME TRUE OF HOW HULK WRITE). BUT HE DISPLAY TRULY EXCELLENT SENSE OF STORYTELLING 101! HULK’S FAVORITE THING! IT DO REALLY GOOD JOB EXPLAINING BASICS OF CHARACTER APPROACH, SPECIFICALLY WHEN ASK PEOPLE DESCRIBE THE CHARACTERS WITHOUT USING NAME, JOB, OR CLOTHING. THE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS ALL CLASSIC ARCHTYPES, NOTHING SPECIAL. BUT THE PREQUEL CHARACTERS NO EVEN ARCHETYPES! THEY BIG NOTHINGS. HONESTLY, STORYTELLING 101 SHOULD BE THE HEART OF POPULAR CINEMA-GOING. RIGHT? HULK ARGUE IT THE REASON EVERYONE DIGGING ON CAPTAIN AMERICA. HULK THINK THIS RE-EMPAHSIS OF CLASSIC STORYTELLING SHOULD BE “THE NEW THING.” A CINEMATIC NEO-CLASSICIST MOVEMENT IF YOU WILL.
THEN AGAIN, THERE WAY COULD ARGUE THERE A NEO-CLASSICIST MOVEMENT EVERY FEW YEARS IN HOLLYWOOD WITH MORE FOCUS ON TRADITIONAL STORYTELLING WITHIN THAT GENRE. WHETHER IT A RE-BIRTH OF THE TRADITIONAL ROM-COM (POST-FOUR WEDDINGS). THE FANTASY ADVENTURE (LOTR, HARRY POTTER). HULK EVEN ARGUE THAT WHY COMIC BOOK MOVIES ROSE TO PROMINENCE. LOOK AT THE STATE OF THE 90’S BLOCKBUSTER WHICH NOTHING MORE THAN BLOATED RECKLESSNESS. THE FIRST COMIC BOOK MOVIES CAME OUT AND THEY HAD BASIC ARCHETYPES! CHARACTERS DEVELOPING AND GOING ON JOURNEYS AND SHIT! GOOD! EVIL! ALL THAT STUFF. PEOPLE RESPONDED BECAUSE WE HAD STOPPED MAKING POPULAR NARRATIVES LIKE THAT. OF COURSE, NOW, WE COME DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO BURNING OUT ON THAT GENRE SO WHO KNOWS WHAT NEXT NEO-CLASSICIST THING BE.
QUESTION #7
I can’t really think of a more obvious question than this:
Why do non-creative, corporate types interfere with the creative vision of artistic filmmakers when history has proven that said interference usually results in compromised product that suffers both artistically and financially? For example, every comic book geek groaned the moment the Fantastic Four showed up in their iconic vehicle, not b/c of the effects work, but for the gratuitous placement of a Dodge logo on the seats. Clearly this was not an artistic decision, and while im sure it generated some ancillary revenue, what was the real price paid in terms of fan respect and word of mouth? It happens time and again but the costly lessons which I imagine are critical to their job security never seem to take root in the movie business.
Why?
Jeff S.
IN ALL HONESTY, FAN RESPECT AND WORD OF MOUTH NOT MEAN MUCH ECONOMICALLY. REALLY. THEY DON’T. THEY NICE IDEA AND CERTAINLY CAN’T HURT, BUT A WHOLE BUNCH OTHER THINGS MEAN LOT MORE. AND IT ACTUALLY NOT RELEVANT TO THEIR JOB SECURITY. HERE FIVE PART ANSWER THAT WILL SORT OF GO BEYOND YOUR QUESTION AND WORTHY OF ITS OWN COLUMN. SO HERE A BRIEF SUMMARY OVERVIEW.
1. THE REALITY – HOLLYWOOD IS A BUSINESS. THE MOVIES ARE, AT BEST, JUST PRODUCT AND AT WORST, INCIDENTAL. AS MUCH AS IT PAIN HULK SAY THAT IT INESCAPABLY TRUE. MOVIES ARE ULTIMATELY OKAYED BY BIGGEST CORPORATIONS ON PLANET. CORPORATIONS HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES TO STOCK HOLDERS. AS RESULT A SAFE BET BETTER THAT A HIGH RISK ONE. THEY WILL SUFFER CREATIVITY ONLY TO THE POINT OF EXACTING COMMERCE FROM IT.
2. THE AUDIENCE – “IT BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD OUT THERE” AN EXECUTIVE ONCE TOLD HULK. ONE COULD ARGUE WE ONLY NEED GIVE BETTER CINEMA ALTERNATIVES, BUT THAT USUALLY NOT PAN OUT IN PRACTICE AND IT SORT OF REFLEXIVE ARUGMENT ANYWAY. THE AUDIENCE SUPPOSEDLY DEMAND QUALITY (AND HULK AGREE TO THAT POINT) BUT IN CONCRETE TERMS THE TREE OF LIFE MADE 11 MILLION DOMESTIC AND 34 MILLION WORLD-WIDE (ON A BUDGET OF 34) WHILE MEET THE SPARTANS MADE 38 MILLION AND 84 WORLD WIDE (ON A BUDGET OF 20-ISH). IN CONCRETE TERMS IT NOT LOOK GOOD. ONE COULD ARGUE THAT TREE OF LIFE WILL MAKE ANCILLARY INCOME DOWN THE LINE WITH DVD SALES AND HAVE “A LEGACY” AND SPARTANS WILL BE FORGOTTEN. IN SOME WAYS GREAT MOVIES ALWAYS MAKE THEIR MONEY BACK EVENTUALLY. GREAT CULT MOVIES WILL FIND THEIR AUDIENCE SO THEY NOT TOTAL DISASTER. SOME WILL EARN STUDIOS MONEY FOR GENERATIONS. AFTER ALL, PEOPLE STILL RENTING THE PHILADELPHIA STORY. BUT ON AVERAGE, CULTURAL PENETRATION DOWN THE LINE ECONOMICALLY WORTH NOTHING COMPARED TO UPFRONT BOX-OFFICE. EVEN WITH TV ANCILLARIES, MALICK’S MOVIES AND, SAY, FOR EXAMPLE SIDEWAYS DO TERRIBLE ON TELEVISION. AND SUPER-DUMB, TERRIBLE MOVIES DO VERY, VERY WELL. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE TV AUDIENCE OFTEN DUMBER THAN THE MOVIE-GOING AUDIENCE. IT TRUE. “IT BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD OUT THERE.”
SO THE CINEMA GOING AUDIENCE THAT CARE ABOUT INTEGRITY AND RESPECT AND ALL THAT WORTH AN AMOUNT, BUT IT A SMALLER AMOUNT THAN THE CRAP.
GIVEN POINTS #1 AND #2, HERE A HYPOTHETICAL: IF ALL YOUR SAVINGS WERE TAKEN FROM YOU AND THE THIEF SAID, “YOU CAN DOUBLE YOUR MONEY IF YOU PICK THE MORE SUCCESSFUL FILM AND IF YOU DON’T GUESS RIGHT YOU YOU LOSE IT ALL. HERE YOUR OPTIONS: THE NEW UNTITLED TERRENCE MALICK MOVIE OR ADAM SANDLER’S UPCOMING ABORTION JACK AND JILL.” THE ANSWER, SADLY, OBVIOUS. WHEN YOU HAVE SUBSTANTIAL RISK IN THE MONEY IT CHANGE THINGS. AND THE PEOPLE HAVING STUDIO GIGS AT SUBSTANTIAL RISK. AND AS CINEMA LOVERS WE WANT THE BEST QUALITY PRODUCT FOR OUR TASTES, BUT THOSE MOVIE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO SAFE BETS.
3. THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE – HULK HAS GOTTEN OPPORTUNITY TO WITNESS “THE HOLLYWOOD MACHINE” UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL. NOT JUST FROM A CREATIVE PERSON’S PERSPECTIVE (FROM WHICH APPEARS TO BE THE DEVIL FOR HOST OF DISPARAGING REASONS) BUT HULK ALSO WITNESSED FROM THE MACHINE’S PERSPECTIVE AS WELL. AND… WELL… THE ANSWER SORT OF MUNDANE. HULK REFERENCED THE WIRE ABOVE AND IT RELEVANT BECAUSE IT GREAT WAY TOO LOOK AT THE LARGER HOLLYWOOD SYSTEM. MOST PEOPLE WELL-INTENTIONED BUT THEY ONLY CONTROLLING SMALL AREA OF INFLUENCE SO IT THE SYSTEM THAT CREATING MOST OF THE PROBLEMS. IN FACT, MOST OF THE INDIVIDUALS ARE ACTUALLY AMAZING/SMART PEOPLE WHO COULD EASILY BE DOING CREATIVE THINGS (AND OFTEN HAVE). THEY JUST ENDED UP ON A DIFFERENT SIDE OF FENCE. AND THEY GIVE HONEST-TO-GOD GREAT NOTES. THERE ARE, ALSO, IDIOTS (ACTUALLY MORE DOUCHEBAGS THEN IDIOTS, BUT YOU GET POINT).
HULK BELIEVE THE BIGGEST PROBLEM LIES IN NUMBERS. STUDIO RANKS SORT OF DEVELOPING INTO MASS OLIGARCHY AND IT MAKE IT MORE OF PROBLEM OF TOO MANY COOKS IN KITCHEN. DEALING WITH ONE OR TWO EXECS? EASY PEASY. MORE THAN THAT? UGH. PATTON OSWALT HAS GREAT ANECDOTE ABOUT THIS JR. EXECUTIVE NOT UNDERSTANDING A VERY SIMPLE JOKE AND SINCE ALL THE OTHER EXECUTIVES HAD TO HUMOR HIM, THEY HAD TO SIT THERE FOR A FUCKING HOUR AND SUSS IT OUT. THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT COME WITH OLIGARCHY AND BLOAT. AND WITH THE BLOAT COMES EVERY YOUNG STUDIO EXEC BASICALLY GOING AROUND TRYING TO JUSTIFY THEIR JOBS. WHICH LEAD TO NEEDLESS ADDITIONS. IT OLD ADAGE THAT THE BEST PRODUCERS/EXECS ARE THE ONES WHO HIRE THE RIGHT PEOPLE AND GET OUT THE WAY. BUT THE UPCOMING EXEC NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO DO NOTHING AND GET OUT OF THE WAY. MORE THAN THAT, IF THEY GET IN HOT WATER THEY CAN SAY THINGS LIKE “IT A POPULAR COMIC BOOK!” AND “THE PLACEMENT SAVED US SO MUCH ON THE BUDGET!” WHICH WORK CAUSE THEIR BOSSES EVEN MORE BUSINESS PEOPLE THAN THEY ARE. IT NOT THEIR FAULT. IT JUST THE SYSTEM.
BUT GIVEN POINTS #1 AND #2 EVEN THE BEST PRODUCERS TAKE HITS. UNIVERSAL RECENTLY TOOK HUGE NUMBER CHANCES ON GREAT AND/OR “DIFFERENT” FILMS LIKE: SCOTT PILGRIM, GREEN ZONE, KICK-ASS, MACGRUBER, DRAG ME TO HELL, FUNNY PEOPLE, AND DUPLICITY. IT NOT LIKE THESE MOVIES SOLD POORLY, THEY GIVE THEM BIG SELLS AND THEY JUST BIT THE DUST. HULK BELIEVE IF YOU MAKE QUALITY PRODUCT THE AUDIENCE FIND EVENTUALLY AND THAT THE CASE WITH LOTS OF THOSE MOVIES, BUT REALLY THEY MISSED THE BOAT. IT ANOTHER INESCAPABLE TRUTH: THE AUDIENCE NOT HELPING.
4. AS FOR AS FOR PRODUCT PLACEMENT – IT SUCKS. IT DOES. BUT THE STUDIO ARGUE IT NO MATTER CAUSE NOBODY NOT LIKE A MOVIE SOLELY BECAUSE OF THE PRODUCT PLACEMENT. TO DEGREE, THEY ACTUALLY RIGHT. MOST JUST NO CARE. FANTASTIC FOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM THAT IT A TERRIBLE, TONE DEAF MOVIE. MOST PEOPLE DIDN’T CARE ABOUT THE DODGE LOGO. REMEMBER, THERE ALSO GOD-AWFUL MOMENT IRONMAN WHERE RIGHT AFTER HE HAVE THAT GREAT LINE WHERE HE SAY “I WANT AN AMERICAN CHEESEBURGER” THEY SHOW HIM EATING FUCKING BURGER KING. BUT EVERYONE STILL LOVE THAT MOVIE CAUSE IT GET STORYTELLING AND DO THE IMPORTANT THINGS RIGHT.
IF WANT DIRECT ANYTHING, THEN PRODUCT PLACEMENT JUST A REALITY THESE DAYS. THE STUDIO WILL FIGHT YOU TO USE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE IT HELP REMOVE THEIR RISK AND LOWER COST. IT JUST TOO PRUDENT (REALLY, THE AMOUNT OF BUDGETS PAID OFF BY PRODUCT PLACEMENT MIND-BOGGLING. IT NOT A MIDDLING COST). AT THIS POINT IT MANDATED IN CONTRACTS. THE ONLY WAY AROUND IT TO BE A “NAME” LIKE SPIELBERG OR NOLAN WHO CAN OPEN A PICTURE WHERE YOU GUARANTEED TO MAKE IT UP. BUT EVEN THEN IT A BATTLE.
PLUS, THEY SEE THE REALITY WHERE WE DO NOT: AS SOON AS THE YOUNGER GENERATION GROWS UP (HINT: ONLY 6-8 YEARS AWAY) PRODUCT PLACEMENT WILL NOT BE STRANGE TO THEM AT ALL. THEY WILL EXPECT THINGS TO BE ADVERTISED TO THEM IN ALL MEDIA FORMS. IT UNDENIABLE. TO US THOUGH? IT ALIEN TO THE WAY WE WATCH MOVIES. IN ARTISTIC TERMS IT COMPLETE BULLSHIT FOR SURE. DAVID LYNCH USED TO USE PRODUCTS CAUSE HE LOVED USING POP CULTURE BRANDS FOR ARTISTIC MEANS (“I LIKE HEINEKEN!” OR “PABST BLUE RIBBON!”). BUT NOW HE CAN’T CAUSE PEOPLE ASSUME IT PRODUCT PLACEMENT. WHICH THE OPPOSITE OF ART.
5. THERE ANY WAY TO FIX THE SYSTEM? – NOT REALLY. ALL THIS STUFF CORPORATELY MANDATED. AND THE FUN WAYS TO HINT AND JOKE AROUND WITH PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALREADY USED UP. AND FIGHTING THE SYSTEM AT LARGE? IMPOSSIBLE. FILMMAKING COST TOO MUCH MONEY. AND THERE NO WAY TO TRULY MAKE AND MARKET INDEPENDENT MOVIES ANYMORE… SO… QUITE FRANKLY HULK NOT SURE. PERHAPS FIGHTING THE BEAN COUNTERS CREATE THE NOTION OF SUBVERSION. HULK THINK IT IMPORTANT TO ALWAYS REMEMBER THE PERIOD OF THE 60/70’S THAT SAW CREATIVE TYPES TAKE OVER THE STUDIO SYSTEM WHEN THEY WERE ON HUGE UPSWING OF POPULARITY. THEY WENT ON TO CREATE A FEW MORE GOOD MOVIES, GREEN LIT A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT (WE JUST REMEMBER THE GOOD ONES), AND THE WHOLE THING COLLAPSED VERY, VERY QUICKLY. THE CREATIVE TYPES HAD NO IDEA HOW MANAGE MONEY.
HULK NOT SURE HULK ANSWERED QUESTION RIGHT.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #8:
Hulk, I have a question that I hope you can answer for me. Why does the camera add ten pounds to the actors? I used to think it was just figure-obsessed actresses finding fault with the reality of their appearance as opposed to their mental picture of it (says the lady who hates every photo ever taken of her), but I heard someone talking about how different lenses can actually cause this. Do you know why? Or even why they continue to be used if the picture is distorted that much? And why do we never seem to notice with male actors? This is confusing me and I feel like I should know more about it.
-Bevin
AWESOME QUESTION.
HULK HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IT ABSOLUTELY TRUE: THE CAMERA DOES ADD WEIGHT (MOST OF THE TIME) DEPENDING ON THE LENS.
TO SORT OF EXPLAIN: THIS REALLY NO HAVE DO WITH CAMERA LENS BEING DIFFERENT, BUT THE LENS OF OUR EYE BEING DIFFERENT. THE EYE SEE SO MUCH OF PERIPHERY AND YET HAS AMAZING ABILITY TO FOCUS ON CENTRAL AREA IN FRONT OF IT. THAT MAKE THE EYE A COMPLETELY UNIQUE LENS. MORE THAN THAT IT, IT HAVE ABILITY TO LOOK AT REAL LIFE 3D SPACE AND APPROXIMATE SIZE CORRECTLY (OR AT LEAST WHAT WE DEEM “CORRECT”). MEANWHILE, MOVIE SCREENS NO WORK THAT WAY. FOR ONE THEY BIG RECTANGULAR 2:35 : 1. THE ONLY SCREEN THAT “OBSERVE” LIKE OUR EYEBALLS = THE OMNI THEATER IN BOSTON. HERE LINK: http://www.flickr.com/photos/25729481@N03/2784467950/ BUT KEEP IN MIND THERE SO MUCH ON THE PERIPHERY TO SEE SO IT “IMMERSIVE” JUST LIKE REAL LIFE VISION.
HERE THE PROBLEM: WE NO WANT MOVIES BE LIKE REAL LIFE VISION. ANY ATTEMPTS TO DO SO NOT WORK CORRECTLY ON SCREEN. WE MUST BE ABLE TO CONTAIN THE WHOLE FRAME IN ORDER PROCESS THE ACTION AND SPACE. WHICH MEANS THAT IN ORDER FOR THE SPACE TO LOOK “REAL” ON SCREEN, THE LENSES OF THE CAMERAS MUST SLIGHTLY AFFECT THE PERCEIVED MASS OF THE CENTER POINTS (READ: THE ACTORS OR OBJECTS) IN ORDER TO GET THE SURROUNDING SPACE TO LOOK CORRECT. OTHER WISE EVERYTHING ELSE ON SCREEN LOOK LIKE WALL EYE VISION. http://www.espn.go.com/photo/2006/0410/nhl_g_kings_275.jpg. WHICH OBVIOUSLY NOT LOOK RIGHT CAUSE OUR EYES ALREADY FOCUSING ON PERIPHERY. SO WE HAVE USE LENSES THAT CREATE MORE FOCUSED CENTRAL OBJECT.
NOW, EVEN WITH THE “SCREEN APPROPRIATE” LENSES, THERE STILL ONES THAT MORE SLIMMING THAN OTHERS. THE GREAT DIRECTOR ROBERT BRESSON TRIED TO ONLY USE THE 50MM LENS CAUSE HE THOUGHT IT CAME CLOSEST TO APPROXIMATING THE ‘CENTER” POINT OF THE HUMAN EYE, AND AS RESULT IT KIND OF SLIMMING.
BUT YES: THE CAMERA USUALLY ADDS TEN POUNDS. IF IT DID NOT, THE REST OF MOVIES WOULD NO “LOOK RIGHT.” AND YES AGAIN, IT ULTIMATELY SPURS ON COMPLEXES IN ACTRESSES EVERYWHERE. HULK MET A GOOD DEAL OF POPULAR ACTRESSES IN REAL LIFE. THE SO-CALLED-LARGER ONES LOOK PERFECTLY NORMAL IF NOT AMAZING. THE NORMAL ONES LOOK VERY SKINNY. THE SKINNY ONES = CRAZY SKINNY. AND THE SAME TRUE OF MALE ACTORS. YOU BE SURPRISED TO SEE HOW SKINNY THEY ARE IN REAL LIFE.
ANYWHO THERE MORE OPTICAL DETAILS THAT GO INTO IT, BUT THIS ANSWER WORK?
This answer works, thank you very much… Does this apply to still-shot cameras as well, or is it only motion picture ones? It seems like it must, given what you said here, but I’m curious.
-Bevin
IT DEPEND, MOST HIGH LEVEL STILL-SHOT CAMERAS USE A ZOOM LENS THAT RANGE FROM ABOUT 28MM-135MM. LOWER QUALITY CAN HOVER BETWEEN 30-55MM. MEANING THAT IT CAN RUN THE GAMUT BUT DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH ONE “ZOOMING” IT EFFECT HOW SOMEONE LOOK IN THE PICTURE. THAT LARGELY WHY THERE “FLATTERING PICTURES” AND “NOT FLATTERING WHATSOEVER PICTURES.” THINGS TO REMEMBER 1) A ZOOM LENS NOT A “TRUE” LENS, MEANING IT MORE SIMULATING THE EFFECTS OF USING THAT SIZE A LENS AND NOT GIVING THE SAME IMAGE QUALITY. THAT WHY CAMERA CREWS USE LIKE 20 DIFFERENT LENSES AND NOT JUST ONE ZOOM LENS. THEY JUST NOT AS GOOD. AND 2) IT NOT LIKE THERE SOME IDEAL LENS FOR PHOTOGRAPHING PEOPLE IN ORDER MAKE LOOK GOOD. IT DEPEND ON HOW FAR AWAY PERSON IS, THE SURROUNDING SPACE, THE SHAPE OF PERSON/PERSON’S FACE, THE LIGHTING, EVERYTHING. YOU CAN SORT OF MAKE ANYONE LOOK GOOD WITH ANY LENS AT ANY DISTANCE, THINGS JUST NEED BE ADJUST TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED CORRECTLY.
NATURALLY MOST PEOPLE JUST POINT AND SHOOT AND TRY TO GET THE CAMERA TO DO AS MUCH OF THE WORK AS POSSIBLE. HONESTLY, CAMERAS ADJUST PRETTY WELL NOWADAYS, BUT STILL IT NOT MAGIC AND IT REASON LOTS OF PHOTOGRAPHS NO COME OUT FLATTERING. MEANWHILE, GREAT PHOTOGRAPHERS ARE EXPERTS OF NUANCE…. WELL… TECHNICALLY ALL GREATLY SKILLED PEOPLE ARE EXPERTS OF NUANCE.
❤ HULK
QUESTION #9
How my fist taste?
-Abomination
HULK THINK THERE MANY PROBLEMS WITH ARGUMENT SIR.
FIRST OFF, WHEN YOU EVER BEAT HULK? NEVER.
SECOND OFF, YOU ONCE BEAT BY NAMOR… FUCKING NAMOR.
THIRD OFF, YOU LOOK LIKE KILLER CROC HAD SEX WITH A MUPPET.
HULK WORKING ON ANOTHER BIG ESSAY (WITH SPECIAL PROFESSIONAL GUEST!), BUT HULK ALSO HAVE SUPER BUSY WEEK AT AVENGER HQ. SO WHO KNOWS IF HULK WILL FINISH. MEANWHILE HULK BEEN ANSWERING LOTS QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENTS SECTIONS LATELY AND IT GOT HULK THINKING 1) HULK LUCKY AND HAVE INCREDIBLY THOUGHTFUL POIGNANT COMMENTATORS AND 2) THEY HAVE REALLY GOOD QUESTIONS.
IN THAT SPIRIT HULK THOUGHT IT BE GOOD DO MAILBAG SERIES THIS WEEK, SINCE HULK HAVE SHORT TIME. SO FEEL TWEET HULK. ASK IN COMMENTS BELOW (HULK WILL ANSWER THEM IN ACTUAL NEW ARTICLE, NOT BELOW). OR EMAIL HULK AT FILMCRITHULK@GMAIL.COM.
SO HULK SAW CAPTAIN AMERICA LAST NIGHT AND HULK LIKED IT VERY MUCH SO.
IN FACT, IT FLIRT BETWEEN BEING PRETTY GOOD AND BEING AN OUTRIGHT BLAST. THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH “REVIEWING” IT, THAT ASIDE FROM ONE INTERESTING ASPECT THERE ALSO NOT A LOT TALK ABOUT. IF HULK DID, SO MUCH WOULD BE SIMPLY LISTING OF “YEAH, THAT WORKED. AND THAT WORKED. SO DID THAT.” AND SO ON. BUT THAT THE MIRACULOUS THING, IT NOT TRY COAST ON ANY SINGULAR OUTSTANDING ASPECT AND INSTEAD RELY ON THE BASIC TENETS OF STORYTELLING AND DO EVERYTHING WELL. WHICH THE RAREST THING IN A BLOCKBUSTER THESE DAYS.
FOR THE SAKE OF BEING THOROUGH A FEW SHORT BLURBS WILL SUFFICE:
THINGS THAT FIT RIGHT INTO PLACE:
1) CHRIS EVANS NAILS HUMILITY – THAT PARAMOUNT TO EVERYTHING. CAP NOT CHARMING AND WITTY LIKE IRON MAN. HE NOT PROUD, BOASTFUL, AND FUNNY LIKE THOR. HE NOT DARK, BROODING, AND TORTURED LIKE HULK.(i) NO, CAP SOMEONE WHO EARNEST, SHY, AND INHERENTLY “GOOD.” AS STUPID AS HULK FEEL HAVING TO EVEN SAY THIS, THAT ACTUALLY VERY HARD THING HAVE COME ACROSS ON SCREEN. ONE IMAGINES YOU COULD PROP UP ANYONE INTO THAT ROLE, BUT THEN THEY WOULD JUST COME OFF AS EITHER BLANDY-BLANDERSON OR A GUY WHO SUPER PREACHY/COCKY. SO ACHIEVING THAT STASIS OF HUMILITY RATHER DIFFICULT. BUT HULK ALWAYS KNEW EVANS HAD THAT RANGE IN HIM. IT MAY BE HARD TO IMAGINE FROM THE GUY WHO OFTEN PLAYS THE FUN-LOVING RAPSCALLION (FANTASTIC FOUR/THE LOSTERS) OR THE DOUCHEBAG ACTOR (SCOTT PILGRIM). BUT HULK SEEN SUNSHINE, A FILM IN WHICH EVANS WAS SNEAKY-REMARKABLE. HIS CHARACTER NOT EVOLVE PER SAY, BUT INSTEAD SHOW A GRADUAL RANGE. ANYWHO, THIS GOING TO ELEVATE THINGS FOR HIM AND HULK KEEP LOOKING FORWARD TO HIS FUTURE…. ALSO DAAAAYYYYYUM BOY WHERE YOU GET THEM PECKS! NOT THAT HULK IMPRESSED. HULK COULD CRUSH YOU LIKE PUNY HUMAN. HULK JUST SAYING THAT “DAAAAAYYYYUM” FOR HUMAN STANDARDS.
2) JOE JOHNSTON’S PRODUCTION DESIGN- HULK WOULD DEFINITELY VISIT THE CAPTAIN AMERICA PROP HOUSE AND BE OCCUPIED FOR DAYS AND DAYS.
3) GREAT SCORE – CHECK IT OUT!
4) A SCREENPLAY THAT KNOWS HOW TO STRUCTURE – HULK WILL DIVE IN LATER, BUT ALL THE DEVELOPMENT OF CAPTAIN AMERICA HANDLED RATHER WELL. MORE IMPORTANTLY, THEY DON’T GO AN OBTUSE ROUTE AND GIVE HIM A BIG (NEEDLESS) CHARACTER ARC. THEY RECOGNIZE IT MORE ABOUT GETTING THE WORLD TO RECOGNIZE WHO HE IS AND WHAT HE CAN BE. WRITERS CHRIS MARKUS AND STEPHEN MCFREELY DID BANG UP JOB (NOT TO MENTION UNCREDITED RE-WRITE BY JOSS WHEDON. WHO ALL OVER THIS).
5) THE HOWLIN’ COMMANDOS – DESPITE LIMITED SCREEN TIME, THEY COME ACROSS EFFECTIVELY. AND HULK PARTICULARLY LIKED THE TOUCH OF MAKING BUCKY HIS CHILDHOOD FRIEND AND PUTTING THEM THROUGH ROLE REVERSAL. IT RESONATED VERY NICELY.
THINGS THAT ARE HOME RUNS:
1) EARLY ON, STANLEY TUCCI SHOWS UP AND SUDDENLY THE MOVIE GETS CALLED UP TO THE MAJORS. HULK ALWAYS BITCH ABOUT HOW IN “AWARDS SEASON” ROLES LIKE THIS GET LEFT BY WAYSIDE JUST BECAUSE THEY NOT “SERIOUS” MOVIES. UGH. NONSENSE. SURE, HE NOT IN IT THAT LONG, BUT BY THE TIME CAP OFF IN FIGHTING NAZIS AND HYDRAS, TUCCI’S ROLE ALREADY ACCOMPLISHED. HE SIMPLY INCREDIBLE IN THE FILM, ELEVATING FAIRLY STANDARD TROPE INTO SOMETHING THAT EXCEPTIONAL. HIS DOCTOR ERKSINE OBVIOUSLY WISE, BUT HE ALSO IMBUE THE CHARACTER WITH A KIND OF SOBERING HILARITY. HULK THROW AROUND WORD “TRANSCENDENT” A LOT, BUT HULK NOT USING IT TO MEAN “OMG AMAZING!” HULK USE IT TO MEAN WHEN SOMETHING WAY BETTER THAN IT SHOULD BE. WHEN IT “TRANSCEND” THE SHACKLES OF THE STATUS QUO. IN THIS CASE, HULK ASK YOU WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE TO MAKE THIS ROLE ANY BETTER? HULK ARGUE NOTHING.
2) AND THE SAME GOES FOR TOMMY LEE JONES… HULK FIND THAT LIGHTING STRIKING TWICE DOWNRIGHT REMARKABLE. AGAIN, IT COULD BE JUST ANOTHER TEXTBOOK ROLE, BUT JONES SIMPLY OWNS IT. HE FULLY INVESTED, TOWING THE LINE OF FUNNY AND GRIZZLED. ANY EVIDENCE NEEDED CAN BE FOUND HIS MOST-EXCELLENT “INTERROGATION” SCENE WITH TOBY JONES (IT THE LITTLE THINGS. LIKE HOW HE CASUALLY TAKES HE STEAK BACK). HULK LOVED IT.
OKAY, PHEW. HULK DONE LISTING REPETITIVE SUPERLATIVES. SO NOW IT TIME FOR:
THE HUGE MAIN INTERESTING TALKING POINT THAT MAKE THE MOVIE WORK:
HULK WANT TO TALK ABOUT PEGGY CARTER AND STORYTELLING 101, BECAUSE HULK ARGUE THEY THE REASON THE FILM REALLY WORKS.
FOR ONE, SHE HAVE TO WORK OR ELSE THE MOVIE FAIL. WHILE IN THE SCRIPTING STAGE, THE WRITERS COULD HAVE SIDELINED PEGGY CARTER AS MERE LIP SERVICE, AS THE MAJORITY OF SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS ARE WANT TO DO WITH THESE STRANGE “WOMEN” PEOPLE. BUT INSTEAD THEY MADE CHOICE TO BRING HER TO THE FOREFRONT OF THE FILM. HULK NOT EXAGGERATING, SHE IN THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE MOVIE. AND IF THE FILM DIDN’T DO IT THEIR STORY JUSTICE, THEN IT WOULD HAVE FAILED EASILY.
HOLLYWOOD’S INCLINATION TO MARGINALIZE FEMALE CO-STARS TEND TO DRIVE HULK BATTY. THEN AGAIN, MOST SCREENWRITERS ARE MEN, AND A GOOD MAJORITY OF THEM WOULDN’T HAVE SINGLE CLUE HOW TO WRITE WOMEN. EVER WONDER WHY SO MANY MOVIES JUST MAKE THEIR FEMALE LEADS EITHER BACKGROUND DAMSELS OR JUST ANOTHER GRUNT WITH A GUN? (ii)
PEGGY CARTER NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS. SHE NOT HIS SIDEKICK WITH BOOBS. SHE NOT MERELY HIS “LOVE INTEREST.”
SHE SMART, CAPABLE, SOLDIERLY, AND DISTINCTLY FEMININE.
OF COURSE, NONE OF THAT POSSIBLE WITHOUT HAYLEY ATWELL.
HER
HULK THOUGHT SHE GREAT. TRUE, SHE NOT SUBLIME OR TRANSCENDENT LIKE TUCCI AND TOMMY LEE (WHO COULD BE THOUGH?) BUT SHE CONTINUE TO PROVE THAT CASTING PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN ANY MOVIE; EVEN A DECENT ACTOR CAN BRING DOWN GREAT WRITING IF THEY NOT UP TO IT OR NOT THE RIGHT FIT. IRONMAN DID 70% OF THEIR WORK THE SECOND THEY CAST ROBERT DOWNEY JR. AND GWENYTH PALTROW. CAN YOU IMAGINE ANYONE ELSE IN THAT ROLE BUT RDJ? OF COURSE NOT. IT THAT CRITICAL. SO WITH ATWELL, SURE, MAYBE THERE A BUNCH OF GREAT ACTRESSES OUT THERE WHO COULD HAVE DONE WELL WITH THIS FULLY REALIZED ROLE, BUT SHE THE ONE THEY PICKED AND SHE REALLY MADE MOST OF IT. SHE CONVEYED EVERYTHING AT RIGHT TIME, DISPLAYING A PROFESSIONAL AND DEMURE EXTERIOR, WHILE HANDLING THE FULL ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS JUST THROUGH HER EYES. HULK THOUGHT EVERYTHING ABOUT PEGGY CARTER JUST SPOT ON: HER PERFORMANCE, THE DIRECTION OF HER SCENES, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY THE WRITING BEHIND HER CHARACTER.
WHEN HULK TALK ABOUT “WRITING” HULK NOT TALKING ABOUT “WITTY DIALOGUE.” THE FACT THAT THAT WHAT SYNONYMOUS WITH GOOD WRITING DRIVE HULK UP WALL. BUT THEN AGAIN THAT LIKELY THE ONLY TANGIBLE DETAIL PEOPLE CAN PICK UP. NOR THE WRITING HULK TALKING ABOUT = TONE, STRUCTURE, PACE OR DETAIL (THOUGH THOSE OBVIOUSLY CRITICAL)… THE WRITING HULK TALKING ABOUT THE INVISIBLE WORK OF GIVING SCENES MEANING.
TO ILLUSTRATE, LET HULK COMPARE THE TREATMENT OF CHARACTER SCENE MEANINGS BETWEEN TWO MARVEL LEADING LADIES, CAPTAIN AMERICA‘S PEGGY CARTER AND THOR’S JANE FOSTER.
FIRST OFF, LETS WORK ON ASSUMPTION THAT BOTH PERFORMANCES EQUAL. IN THE ROLE, HAYLEY IS CHARMING, SEXY, PRESENT, AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF. AND NATALIE PORTMAN IS, OBVIOUSLY, NO SLOUCH EITHER. FOR ALL THE FLACK THAT THOR GOT, THE TWO LEADS DO THEIR DAMNEDEST TO CREATE A SENSE OF CHEMISTRY AND ATTRACTION, BOTH OF WHICH HULK ARGUE END UP BEING PRESENT IN FINAL PRODUCT. HULK ARGUE THAT THOR EVEN MANAGED TO FIND RIGHT TONE AN ENERGY FOR THEIR SCENES (MEANING THEY “FELT” RIGHT). SO WHY DID THOR‘S RELATIONSHIP FAIL AND CAP‘S SUCCEED?
BECAUSE THEIR SCENES IN THOR HAD VERY LITTLE STORY/CHARACTER MEANING.
SORRY YOU TWO. IT NOT YOUR FAULT.
HERE IS THE NARRATIVE ARC FOR THOR AND JANE: SHE KEEP RUNNING OVER HIM WITH HER CAR. SHE THINKS HE CRAZY. SHE SO ATTRACTED TO HIS MUSCLES IT MAKE HER NERVOUS. THEY FLIRT. HE CONTINUE TO GIVE HER NO EVIDENCE THAT HE NOT CRAZY. SHE PUT TRUST IN HIM FOR SOME REASON. THEN THEY LOVE EACH OTHER FOR SOME REASON. SHE RESTORES HIS HUMILITY FOR SOME REASON. HE GETS TRAPPED BACK IN ASGARD. SHE VOWS TO KEEP SEARCHING FOR HIM.
AS MUCH AS GOODWILL AS THE TWO LEADS PUT INTO IT, THEIR STORY NEVER COMPUTES. IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR SCENES, THE WRITERS NOT GIVE THEM NARRATIVE REASON TO LIKE EACH OTHER, NOR GIVE THEM A STRONG ENOUGH REASON TO EVEN TRY. THE NARRATIVE REASON FOR THEIR LOVE ESSENTIALLY COME DOWN TO “PRETTY PEOPLE LIKE EACH OTHER.” WHICH IN TURN SOLELY MAKES LOVE STORY FULLY DEPENDENT ON THE ASSUMPTION OF THEY’LL “TOTALLY HAVE CHEMISTRY” OR WHATEVER. FOR EXAMPLE, BOTH THE SCENE IN THE TRAILER AND THE SCENE ON THE ROOF FEEL LIKE “NOW HERE’S THE SCENE WHERE WE ARE INTIMATE AND START LIKING EACH OTHER, SO LET’S TRY AND MAKE THAT HAPPEN.” READ: IT FELT FORCED. AND THAT NOT LOVE. IT THE IDEA OF LOVE. THOR REALLY DO HAVE A LOT OF CHARM AND ENERGY TO IT, BUT IT NOT WORK ON LARGER STORY LEVEL BECAUSE NONE OF THE SCENES HAVE MEANING OR INTENTION INGRAINED INTO IT ON A STORY LEVEL. IT JUST ASSUMED.
NOW HERE IS THE NARRATIVE ARC FOR CAP AND PEGGY (OH AND TONS OF SPOILERS AND SHIT): SHE FIRST SHOW UP AT HIS TRAINING. AT FIRST SHE THE CAUTIOUS OBSERVER, SEEING HIM THE LITTLE WEAKLING. HER FIRST INSTINCT PROTECTIVE. SHE THEN GET TO SEE HIS INGENUITY (THE FLAG) AND THEN SEE HIS HUMILITY AND COURAGE (THE GRENADE). THEY HAVE FIRST BONDING MOMENT OVER THEIR MUTUAL “HAVING TO WORK FOR IT.” SHE BEGINS TO SEE WHAT ERKSINE SEE IN HIM. BEFORE HE TRANSFORMS THEY HAVE A BRIEF “CONNECTING” MOMENT WHERE SHE GETS TO SEE HOW SHY AND GENUINE HE IS TOO. TURNS OUT THERE A PROBLEM WITH THE TRANSFORMATION AND SHE RUN OUT FOR THEM TO STOP, SHOWING FIRST TIME HOW SHE CARES ABOUT HIM. HE THEN FULLY TRANSFORMED AND SUDDENLY SHE GETS A GIRL BONER FOR HIM.(iii) THE MOMENT SUDDENLY UPENDED BY THE ATTACK ON ERKSINE, NOW MAKING THEM PRESS ON TOGETHER ALONE. WHEN CAP LATER JOINS THE WAR, SHE SEES WHAT NEUTERED STATE HE IN AND IMMEDIATELY AIDS HIM IN HIS EFFORT TO GO SAVE THE CAPTURED TROOPS. SHE THINKS HE’S DEAD. HE RETURNS A HERO. SHE CLEARLY OVERJOYED BUT KEEPS IT ON THE INSIDE. THAT NIGHT SHE SHOW UP AT BAR IN HEART-STOPPING RED DRESS. THEY HAVE BRIEF FLIRTATION ALL UNDER GUISE OF MILITARY APPROPRIATENESS. THEY HINT THAT THEY BOTH LOOKING FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL IN THEIR LIVES. THE AGREE TO MEET THE NEXT MORNING FOR TRAINING. THIS ALL COMPRISES HER FIRST “SEXUAL ADVANCE” EVEN THOUGH IT ALL VERY PROPER AND UNSAID. JUST BEFORE THE AGREED-UPON TRAINING SESSION SOME SLUT THROWS HERSELF AT CAP AND HE TRIES TO STOP IT, BUT SORT OF KISSES BACK LIKE A HELPLESS PUTZ. PEGGY SEES THIS AND IS CLEARLY DEVASTATED, ESPECIALLY COMING HOT OF THE HEELS OF ALL THE UNSAID THINGS THE NIGHT BEFORE, WHICH, AGAIN, HER VERSION OF PUTTING EMOTIONS ON THE LINE.(iv) PEGGY STERNLY GOES INTO “I DON’T CARE” MODE WHEN SHE SO TOTALLY CARES. THEY GO TO TRAINING. SHE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY FIRES A GUN AT HIM DURING IT (HULK NOT SURE HOW YOU PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY FIRE A GUN AT SOMEONE BUT THAT WHAT HAPPENED AND IT NEAT). SHE LATER SEES NEWS FOOTAGE OF HIM CARRYING AROUND HER PICTURE. MONTAGES OF HIM LEADING THE WAR AGAINST HYDRA, ALL THE WHILE IT SHOWS HER WARMING BACK UP TO HIM, IMPLYING SHE UNDERSTANDS THAT THE MINOR INDISCRETION WASN’T IN HIS TRUE NATURE. ON THE LAST MISSION, BUCKY FALLS FROM THE TRAIN TO HIS DEATH. CAP CLEARLY HEARTBROKEN. SHE CONSOLES IN A GENUINE, NON-SEXUAL WAY (HULK LOVE THAT THE WRITERS NOT USE IT AS CONVENIENT EXCUSE TO BRING THEM TOGETHER. IT ABOUT BUCKY). AFTER SOBERING NATURE OF THE TRAGEDY, CAP AND PEGGY BACK ON SAME LEVEL OF RESPECT. THEY GO TO THE FINAL MISSION AGAINST RED SKULL. SHE SAVES HIS BUTT ONCE. AS THEY SPEED AWAY IN CAR CHASING AFTER RED SKULL, SHE RECOGNIZES PERHAPS HER LAST CHANCE TO KISS HIM AND SO SHE DOES. EVEN IF CHEESY, IT EXTREMELY CATHARTIC FOR AUDIENCE BECAUSE THEY BUILT IT UP PERFECTLY. (IT HELP THAT TOMMY LEE JONES GET GREAT LINE AFTER) CAP GO OFF. HE BEAT RED SKULL. THE PLANE GOING DOWN AND ONLY WAY SAVE EASTERN SEABOARD TO CRASH THE PLANE INTO THE ARCTIC. HE GET ON RADIO WITH THE TWO OF THEM TALK IN KIND OF HOKEY SPEECH ABOUT MAKING A DATE, BUT IT STILL TRUE TO THE CHARACTERS/RELATIONSHIP SO IT WORK. AND THEN IT IMMEDIATELY STOP BEING HOKEY WHEN THE SIGNAL ABRUPTLY CUT OUT. AT THAT POINT IT GUT WRENCHING. SHE EMOTIONALLY CRUSHED. THE SEARCH FOR HIS BODY NO TURN UP ANYTHING. LATER ON, SHE CHECK HIS FILE, SEES THE PICTURE OF HIM AS THE 90 POUND WEAKLING, SHOWING HOW FAR HE/SHE CAME FROM BEGINNING. SHE MARKS HIS FILE INACTIVE. SHE PRESS ON.
HMMM. NOTICE A DIFFERENCE?
THIS MAY SEEM LIKE HULK CHEATING AND JUST BOTHERED TO WRITE A LOT MORE DETAILS FOR CAP, BUT IT NOT THE CASE AT ALL. IT JUST THAT THERE SO MUCH MORE STUFF THERE.
THAT BECAUSE IT A GODDAMN STORY.
CHEERS EVERYONE
THE RELATIONSHIP IN THOR, MEANWHILE. NOT AN ACTUAL STORY. IT JUST TRIED TO COAST BY ON THE GOOD VIBES, WHEREAS THE CAP SCREENPLAY DID ALL THE FREAKING WORK IN THE STORY. DOING THAT ALLOWS THE ACTORS COULD TO JUST SHOW UP AND MAKE IT AWESOMER. IT NIGHT AND DAY IN TERMS OF APPROACH. BETTER YET, IT SHOWCASE THAT IT NOT THE AMOUNT, IT WHAT YOU PUT IN THE AMOUNT. HULK WOULD EVEN BET THE TWO CHARACTERS, PEGGY AND JANE, NOT HAVE A WILDLY DISPARAGING NUMBER OF LINES IN EACH FILM.
HULK’S FAVORITE PART THAT CAPTAIN AMERICA ACHIEVED NOT THROUGH SOME SUBLIME TRANSCENDENCE OF FILMMAKING INSIGHT, BUT BY PAYING ATTENTION TO SCREENWRITING 101. LOOK AT THAT SUMMARY AGAIN. IT NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, IT JUST THAT EVERY SINGLE SCENE THEY FOCUSED ON MAKING IT HAVE SOME MEANING TO THE CHARACTERS. EVERY SCENE IS ADDED LAYER TO THEIR RELATIONSHIPS. EVERY SCENE MARK A NOTCH OF PROGRESSION.
PEGGY CARTER WORKS BECAUSE SHE THE TRUE SECOND LEAD IN THE MOVIE. SHE NOT MERE LIP SERVICE, BUT ABSOLUTELY INTEGRAL. SHE THE REASON WE CARE ABOUT CAP.
PEGGY CARTER WORKS BECAUSE HER SCENES INTERWOVEN INTO THE NARRATIVE WITH DEFT TOUCH. IT NOT LIKE ‘HEY, HERE THE PEGGY SCENES!” NOT BY LONG SHOT. THEY COMPLETELY ORGANIC. FUCK, THEY INTRINSIC TO EVERY OTHER PART OF CAP’S JOURNEY. WHEN THERE A CHANGE IN HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH PEGGY IT USUALLY WHAT LEAD TO HIM HAVING NEW MOMENT OF CONFIDENCE IN HIS OTHER STORY LINES AS A SOLIDER OF VICE VERSA. PEGGY NOT JUST SOMEONE WHO THERE TO SERVE AS FOIL OR DEUS EX MACHINA OF MAIN CHARACTER. IT RECIPROCAL.
PEGGY CARTER WORKS BECAUSE HER RELATIONSHIP WITH TOMMY LEE JONES’S GENERAL CHARACTER JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE ONE WITH CAP. EVEN WITHOUT A LOT OF SCREEN TIME, EVERYTHING DONE WITH LITTLE EXCHANGES. TOMMY LEE PUT A GREAT DEAL OF TRUST IN HER SO HE EXPECTS A LOT. SHE EAGER TO PLEASE HIM AND CAUGHT BETWEEN THAT AND HER FAITH IN CAP. THE SCRIPT NEVER FORGETS THIS. IN THE LAST MOMENTS, THE THREE OF THEM HEADING IN CAR TO CATCH RED SKULL, AND THEIR BRIEF INTERACTIONS SAY EVERYTHING. NOW THAT ECONOMY!
PEGGY CARTER WORKS BECAUSE THERE AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP THERE. A WELL-DEVELOPED CORE. IT NOT JUST PART OF THE STORY. IT IS THE STORY.
WE KNOW IT THE STORY, BECAUSE WHEN THE MOVIE ENDS, HULK ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE IT A GENUINE TRAGEDY THEY DIDN’T GET THEIR DATE. THE MOVIE PROVED, BEYOND SHADOW OF A DOUBT, THAT THEIR RELATIONSHIP DESERVED IT.(v)
AND LASTLY, PEGGY CARTER WORKS BECAUSE THE REAL CAP AGREES THE GOT HER RIGHT. SO HERE TO FINISH THE ARTICLE, HULK GOING ASK CAPTAIN AMERICA PARTICIPATE.
HEY FELLAS!
THE FOLLOWING TRANSCRIBED FROM RECORDED CONVERSATION.
Captain America: What do I do?
HULK: JUST TALK INTO THE MICROPHONE.
Captain America: Oh okay. I’m still having trouble with that phone you gave me.
HULK: IT AN IPHONE. IT NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.
Captain America: You say to the guy who still freaking out about Television.
HULK: SO YOU LIKE THE MOVIE?
Captain America: Oh sure. Yeah. It was really swell.
HULK: WHAT IT LIKE WATCHING YOUR LIFE STORY PUT UP ON SCREEN?
Captain America: Well, you’d know, it’s a little weird. Going back to those days, you know everything is so different now. It’s just hard seeing something you lived through. The war was a lot more grim than that and how many people died for real. They don’t just get vaporized into blue puffs of smoke. It grizzly. I mean I understand why the comics and the movie don’t show the rough stuff. I get it. It’s just hard, you know?
HULK BUT YOU FELT LIKE IT CAPTURED WHAT YOU WERE ABOUT?
Captain America: Yeah, I know it sounds cheesy, but we believed in what we were doing. Most of the guys weren’t saints or nothing, that’s for sure. But we thought it was important. Schmit. Hitler. All of it. We really thought it needed to be done. Any soldier has to really. I know the wars that happened while I was frozen, I guess they were… less noble minded? I dunno. I get it, but sometimes it’s not about politics. For me at least, it’s about home. People always call me a patriot. I dunno about that. I just see my country as my home.
HULK: HULK GIVE YOU CRAP ABOUT YOUR OLD FASHIONED SENSIBILITY/POLITICS ALL THE TIME, BUT YOU KNOW HULK JUST KIDDING RIGHT? HULK THINK YOU ONE OF MOST HONORABLE MEN HULK EVER KNOWN.
Captain America: [respectful nod]
HULK: AND WHAT ABOUT PEGGY?
Captain America: Yeah, Peggy, that was um… that was… that was hard to watch honestly. You know. I don’t really talk about it. I mean… Yeah. I loved her, plain as day. And when I think about what we missed out on. It breaks my heart. It really does [Cap starts to tear up a little, Hulk does too]. But I like to think she understand. I have to think that. We both believed in something bigger than ourselves. It’s part of the reason we got along. And there so many others that lost out on the future too. Countless. It’s just to me… well…
… she was the best.
ENDNOTES:
(i) CAP ALSO HAS SHITTY TASTE IN MOVIES
(ii) THE THINKING OF GIVING THE FEMALE CO-STAR A GUN USUALLY A QUICK FIX SO SHE CAN BE INVOLVED AND KICK ASS IN THE NAME OF BEING SORT OF EQUAL! BUT USUALLY THEY JUST THERE SO THE MAIN ACTOR CAN KISS SOMEONE FOR THE SOLE REASON TO MAKE ACTION MOVIES SEEM LESS GAY… WHAT?! THAT NO HOMOPHOBIC. GUYS IN ACTION MOVIES ARE OFTEN, FOR LACK OF BETTER PHRASE, SUPER EXTRA GAY. MEN BEING DEVOTED TO OTHER MEN = EXACTLY WHAT BIG SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER ENTERTAINMENT ABOUT. WHAT STARTED WITH TOP GUN HAS TRANSCENDED DOWN THROUGH THE GENERATIONS OF MORPH INTO OTHER DEEPLY CLOSETED SOCIAL ENTERTAINMENTS LIKE ENTOURAGE. AND SERIOUSLY, BAD BOYS 2 = ONE OF THE GAYEST MOVIES EVER MADE. THE ONLY REASON MOST FEMALES AROUND SO THAT THE LEADS OF THESE MOVIES CAN APPEAR TO BE STRAIGHT… OKAY HULK HYPERBOLE-ING, IT JUST A FUN SUBTEXT TO LOOK AT THINGS IN.
(iii) TO BE FAIR, EVERYONE SHOULD GET A BONER WHEN COMES OUT OF THE TRANSFORMING CHAMBER.
(iv) AND YOU KNOW THIS SCENE REALLY WORKED CAUSE AN AUDIENCE FULL OF DISAFFECTED MARVEL NERDS GASPED ALOUD. THE RELATIONSHIP MATTERED TO THE JADED AUDIENCE! AGAIN, HULK REALLY LOVE THAT THIS MOMENT COME AFTER THE RED DRESS BRIEF FLIRTATION. IF PEG AND CAP HAD KISSED OR DONE MORE? IT WOULD HAVE FELT A WHOLLY DIFFERENT KIND OF WRONG. IT MAY SEEM STUPID OR OBVIOUS, BUT HULK ARGUE THIS KIND OF UNDERSTANDING = VITAL. WANTING CHARACTERS TO HOOK UP WAY MORE DRAMATICALLY INTERESTING. THEN CHARACTERS HOOKING UP AND DEALING WITH MESSY AFTERMATH (WHICH SEEM TO BE WHOLE GENRE NOWADAYS WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED AND FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS). EVEN IF OBVIOUS, HULK THINK THE WHOLE THING SHOWCASES SOMEONE HAVING WONDERFUL UNDERSTANDING OF CHARACTER MOTIVATION… YOU BE SURPRISED HOW MANY MOVIES DON’T.
(v) SO HULK JUST WANT MENTION THAT APPARENTLY THE VERY ENDING HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH JOE JOHNSTON AND IT FILMED WITHOUT HIS PRESENCE OR BLESSING AND THAT VERY CLEAR. WHILE IT SET UP THE AVENGERS AND WORKS AS “COOL SCENE” IT COMPLETELY TONE DEAF TO MOVIE THAT PRECEDED IT. SPECIFICALLY HOW IT END ON THAT FUNNY LINE OF “I MISSED A DATE…” IT NOT FUNNY. GIVEN HOW GREAT THEIR RELATIONSHIP WORKED IT A FUCKING TRAGEDY, NOT AN IRONIC ENDING LINE. THAT SCENE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HEARTBREAKING.* ANY FUCK. IT NOT THAT BIG A DEAL. IT JUST WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET DIRECTORS NOT DO THEIR FUCKING JOBS.
* AND NOT TO LAUNCH INTO CONJECTURE. BUT HULK TOTALLY THOUGHT WE HEADING FOR SCENE OF CAP SHOWING UP AND DANCING WITH 90 YEAR OLD PEGGY CARTER. WHILE THAT SOUND SCHMALTZY AS FUCK, IT WOULD HAVE PERFECTLY FIT MOVIE AND HULK WOULD HAVE BEEN CRYING LIKE A LITTLE SCHOOL-HULK. WHAT?! YOU HAVE NO SOUL! SHUT UP! AND KEEP IN MIND THIS SCENE COULD STILL SHOW UP IN AVENGERS BUT HULK ARGUE IT BE LESS IMPACTING IN SEPARATE MOVIE, AND NOT COMING AT THE END OF THEIR MOVIE.
CONSIDER THIS A FOUR-PART, 12,378 WORD, 31 PAGE SINGLE-SPACED, OPEN-LETTER TO DAMON LINDELOF AND CARLTON CUSE CONCERNING LOST…
DEAR DARLTON,
HEY WHAT UP. IT HULK. HOW THINGS? COOL.
SO IT BEEN OVER YEAR SINCE FINALE OF LOST AND YET BOTH THE SHOW/FINALE REMAIN FLOATING ABOUT THE ZEITGEIST. HULK IMAGINE IT SAME WAY FOR BOTH OF YOU. FOR AWHILE DAMON SEEMED TO TALK ABOUT IT ON TWITTER MAYBE ONCE A WEEK OR SO. HE RECENTLY ACKNOWLEDGE ON PODCAST THAT THE “HOW MUCH TO TALK ABOUT LOST” A QUESTION HE WRESTLE WITH. AND WHILE DISCUSSING THE SHOW, DAMON SEEM OSCILLATE BETWEEN FUN AND SERIOUSNESS, ACCEPTANCE AND DEFENSIVENESS… ALL OF WHICH RATHER UNDERSTANDABLE. OF COURSE, SOME BITS GET MORE PUBLIC NOTICE, LIKE THE RECENT (AND ADMITTEDLY RATHER TINY) DUST UP WITH GEORGE R.R. MARTIN. ALL THE WHILE, IT SEEM TO HULK THAT DAMON REALLY GOING DOWN THIS ROAD CAUSE HE TRYING TO COME TO SOME KIND OF CATHARSIS ABOUT LOST AND WHAT IT REALLY MEANT. WHICH MAKE HIM JUST LIKE ALL OF US.
THE SUM TOTALITY OF LOST(1) A HARDER THING TO SUM UP THAN MOST PEOPLE REALIZE. THE SHOW TRULY ALL-ENCOMPASSING AND RESONATED IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS THAT IT HARD TO CLARIFY EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED, AND CONTINUES TO HAPPEN IN ITS WAKE.
BUT AFTER ALL THIS TIME, HERE AND NOW, HULK FINALLY READY TALK ABOUT THE LOST FINALE.
PREFACE #1: HULK’S ORIGINAL INTERPRETATION OF THE FINALE NOT REALLY CHANGE SINCE AIRING, YET THE INTENSITY HAS LESSENED AND HULK ABLE TO BE MORE OBJECTIVE. THIS OBVIOUSLY A GOOD THING. WHICH MEANS:
PREFACE #2: THE TITLE OF THIS ARTICLE AND THE DOLL-TOUCHING JOKE = JUST THAT, A JOKE. HULK FEEL NOWHERE NEAR THAT EXTREME ABOUT THE SITUATION (AFTER ALL, HULK A RATIONAL HULK). THE JOKE MORE REPRESENTATIVE OF HULK’S FEELINGS ABOUT FINALLY COMING FORWARD TO TALK ABOUT IT. HONESTLY, WHAT FOLLOWS WILL ATTEMPT BE VERY MEASURED AND FAIR AND ALL THAT. IT JUST FELT LIKE RIGHT TITLE (FOR REASONS THAT WILL MAKE SENSE LATER).
PREFACE #3: EVEN IF HULK OFTEN DISMISS A LOT OF THE HYPERBOLE AND APOLOGIST REMARKS SURROUNDING THE SHOW, HULK STILL THINK LOST ONE OF THE BEST TELEVISION SHOWS EVER MADE. IT CERTAINLY ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT, IF ONLY FOR FACT THAT IT DRAGGED THE NETWORKS INTO BOTH THE TIME-SHIFT (DVR) AND SERIALIZED-TV ERA. BUT OBVIOUSLY, IT MORE THAN THAT.
PREFACE #4: ANOTHER REASON HULK WRITING THIS ARTICLE BECAUSE EVEN WITH ALL THE GREAT MATERIAL CRITICAL OUT THERE, HULK YET TO READ INTERPRETATION THAT HIT NAIL ON HEAD FOR WHAT HULK FELT WAS THE EXACT PROBLEMS WITH THE FINALE. SPECIFICALLY WITH HOW IT’S AIMS NOT CONGRUENT WITH THE REST OF THE SERIES.
PREFACE #5: WHILE ON SUBJECT OF CRITICS, HULK THINK DOC JENSEN KIND OF AN IDIOT AND WHOLLY REPRESENTATIVE OF ONE OF THE WORST ASPECTS OF LOST FANS. THIS BEAR MENTIONING BECAUSE HE THE MOST CELEBRATED LOST ANALYZER IN WORLD FOR SOME REASON. PERHAPS IT THE FAULT OF E.W.’S PRESENTATION, BUT HIS WORK REALLY COME OFF LIKE NONSENSE RAMBLINGS AND IT FILLED WITH ABSURD, UNCONNECTED TANGENTS. NOW BOTH RAMBLINGS AND TANGENTS TOTALLY OKAY( HECK, HULK USE THEM ENDLESSLY), BUT DOC ALWAYS SEEM FIXATE ON SINGULAR DETAILS TO CREATE HIS WEAKLY-SUPPORTED HYPOTHESES, ONES WHICH OFTEN STOOD IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO OTHER, FAR-MORE-PERTINENT INFORMATION. THIS NOT ONLY OCCURRED ON FREQUENT LOGISTIC LEVEL, BUT EVEN MORE EGREGIOUSLY ON THE THEMATIC LEVEL. IT SELECTIVE INFORMATION PROCESSING AND IT BASICALLY WORTHLESS. AND LIKE DOC, THERE HUGE SEGMENT OF LOST FANS THAT WOULD DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
PREFACE #6: THE BEST WRITING HULK EVER READ ON LOST DONE BY GENTLEMEN KNOWN AS “MMORSE” AND HULK SAY YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY CHECK HIM OUT (HULK GOING TO LINK TO SOME OF HIS STUFF LATER). HE HAD UNCANNY ABILITY TO DIG DEEP WHILE STAYING TRULY FOCUSED ON HOW THESE DETAILS FIT IN THE “BIG PICTURE.” HULK ARGUE NO ONE HAVE BETTER GRIP ON THE THEMATIC LEVEL OF THE SHOW AND HE WORKED HIS ASS OFF AT IT TOO. HE CURRENTLY DOING GREAT WORK WITH HIS “LOST AND FOUND” SERIES ON CHUD, WHICH EXAMINES OTHER CEREBRAL TV SHOWS THAT MAY HAVE HAD AN ALL-TOO SHORT RUN. HERE HIS TWITTER IF WANT CHECK OUT http://twitter.com/#!/m_morse
PREFACE #7: AT THIS POINT IT SHOULD BE CLEAR HULK HAVE NO INTEREST IN BREVITY. IT MAY BE THE SOUL OF WIT, BUT IT JUST NOT IN HULK’S WHEELHOUSE. IF YOU NEVER READ HULK STUFF BEFORE KNOW THIS, EVERY TIME HULK ATTEMPT BE BRIEF IN ANALYSIS THE STATEMENTS JUST FEEL LIKE A HALF-TRUTH. MEANWHILE, BEING FAIR, TAKING ONE’S TIME, APPROXIMATING EVERYTHING, AND JUST PLAIN BEING THOROUGH= ALL VALUES THAT HULK HOLD DEAR. ESPECIALLY IN AN ERA THAT CRAVES SHORT FORM. SO YES, THIS ARTICLE RATHER LONG, AND PERHAPS A BIT UNWIELDY, BUT THIS HULK DAMMIT.
SO NOW ONTO THE REAL SHIT.
PART 1: WHAT MADE “LOST” FANTASTIC
LOST BOTH ATTEMPTED AND SUCCEEDED IN DOING THINGS MOST OTHER SHOWS NO EVEN TRY: IT HAD RICH, TEXTURED CHARACTERS, AN INTERNATIONAL CAST, USED MULTI-LINGUAL AND SUBTITLED DIALOGUE, PROVIDED SENSUOUS CINEMATOGRAPHY THAT WAS, FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD, “CINEMATIC,” CAPITALIZED ON ITS VIBRANT SETTING, HAD STUNNING PRODUCTION VALUES, WROTE AMBITIOUS STORY ARCS, INCLUDED DEEPLY-LITERATE REFERENCES, WENT INTO INTENSE AND COMPLEX SCI-FI CONCEPTS, BRANDISHED A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SENSE OF HUMOR, AND EVEN DISPLAYED A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF NEW MEDIA IN ORDER ADVERTISE THE SHOW/INTERACT WITH FANS (HELL, IT HELPED SHAPE NEW MEDIA). EVERY DETAIL JUST SEEMED RIGHT: FROM THE HAUNTING OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE TO OFT-SUDDEN ENDING TITLE STAMP AT THE CLOSE OF EVERY EPISODE. SO IF WE JUST GOING BY ALL THESE TANGIBLE DETAILS, THEN OBJECTIVELY-SPEAKING LOST MUST REPRESENT THE PINNACLE OF TELEVISION. HECK, IT THE BEST OF WHAT ENTERTAINMENT CAN OFFER.
BUT JUST CAUSE THAT WHAT MAKE IT GOOD, IT NOT WHAT MAKE IT SPECIAL. WHAT MADE LOST SPECIAL = THE IMPOSSIBLE RESONANCE THAT THE SHOW’S TONE AND THEMATIC CONCEIT HAD WITH VIEWERS. IT STRUCK A CHORD DEEP DOWN AND COMPELLED THEM IN WAYS A TV SHOW OFTEN DOES NOT. SURE THERE WERE RELATIVE LEVELS OF THAT INTENSITY, BUT THERE JUST SEEMED NO SUCH THING AS HALF-INVESTED LOST VIEWER. FOR SOME, IT JUST PURELY VISCERAL: A JOURNEY INTO BOTH THE MYSTERY OF AN ISLAND AND THE MYSTERY OF THE CHARACTER’S LIVES. FOR OTHERS, THE THEMATIC LEVEL OPENED UP A WORLD BEYOND THE SHOW, AN ONLINE COMMUNITY, AN EXPANDED UNIVERSE, AN EVOLVING DISCUSSION ABOUT LIFE, ART, STORYTELLING, RELIGION, SCIENCE, AND BEYOND. BETTER YET, THE SHOW COULD EXIST ON THAT CEREBRAL PLANE WHILE RARELY SACRIFICING THE THINGS THAT MADE IT UNIQUELY HUMANE. AND EVEN THOUGH IT HAD AN EMOTIONAL FOUNDATION, YIT NEVER STEEPED SO LOW AS TO BE OUTRIGHT SENTIMENTAL
ALL THIS MAKE THE SHOW BOTH A MIRACLE AND A SPRAWLING ENTITY IN ITS OWN RIGHT. AND DARLTON, HULK IMAGINE THAT NAVIGATING BOTH THE CREATION OF THAT ENTITY AND THEN PERPETUATING IT MUST HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT THINGS IMAGINABLE. HOW DID THE SHOW SATISFY SO MANY PEOPLE? FOLKS WITH A HOST OF DIFFERENT VALUES?
HULK BELIEVE THE ANSWER = “THE ANSWERS.”
FIRST OFF, HULK BOTH UNDERSTAND AND NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE CLAIM THAT LOST NEVER ANSWERED ANYTHING. HULK PERHAPS UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THE SHOW RARELY RELIED ON “THE REVEAL” FORMAT OR CONVENTIONALLY REVEALED TWISTS WHERE THINGS SUDDENLY DAWN ON AUDIENCE (I.E., THE WAY MANY PROCEDURALS CONCLUDE AT END OF EVERY EPISODE). AND THE FEW TIMES THERE WAS BIG “REVEAL” IN LOST IT OFTEN ANSWERED THE QUESTION WITH EVEN DEEPER MYSTERY, BEST EXEMPLIFIED BY THE NOW-FAMOUS “KATE, WE HAVE TO GO BACK MOMENT!”
HULK JUST WANTED USE THIS AGAIN... AND TO BE FAIR, THEY HAD TO GO BACK
BUT AT SAME TIME HULK NO UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE CAN REALLY THINK THAT, BECAUSE LOST ACTUALLY ANSWERED THE VAST MAJORITY OF OF PLOT, CHARACTER, THEMATIC, AND THEOLOGICAL CONFLICTS THAT WERE INTRODUCED. SERIOUSLY. FOR EVERY HANGING QUESTION THERE, LIKE, 3 OTHERS THAT WERE TOTALLY ANSWERED. HULK KNOW THIS SIMPLIFYING, BUT HULK JUST WANT POINT OUT, “HEY, IT SIMPLE MATH!” YES, THE SHOW COULD BE CRUELLY CHAOTIC IN HOW WENT ABOUT IT SOMETIMES, BUT IT STILL THERE PLAIN AS DAY. AND HONESTLY WHEN THE SHOW LACKED CONVENTIONAL, CONCRETE ANSWERS IT OFTEN SUBLIMATED THEM WITH EMOTIONALLY CATHARTIC BEATS, ONES THAT RESONATED DEEPLY WITHIN THE STORY.
AND CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVE: ALL THE TIMES THE SHOW RESORTED TO ACTUALLY VERBALIZING ANSWERS VIA MONOLOGUE (OR SOMETHING EQUALLY LAME) IT RESULTED IN THE LEAST-INSPIRING OR LEAST-CATHARTIC MOMENTS IN THE SHOW (LIKE WHEN MICHAEL JUST SHOWS UP AND EXPLAINS THE WHISPERS VERBATIM). SO HULK ACTUALLY THINK DARLTON WISE TO TRY AND SHY AWAY FROM THEM. WHAT’S MORE, THE SHOW ULTIMATELY MADE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR FROM BEGINNING THAT IT JUST NOT INTERESTED IN VOCALIZING THE EXACT STATE OF PLOT NARRATIVE. EVER. SO REALLY, IF SOMEONE COMPLAINING ABOUT LACK OF ANSWERS IT SEEM TO HULK THAT THAT SOMEONE NOT REALLY UNDERSTAND THE SHOW THEY BEEN WATCHING FOR 6 YEARS.
SO IF ALL THAT WHAT MAKE THE SHOW SPECIAL… NOW IT TIME FOR WHAT MAKE LOSTTRANSCENDENT.
WHAT CONTINUOUSLY AMAZE HULK IS THAT AS LOST EXPANDED ITS SPRAWLING MYTHOLOGY AND THEME, IT ALWAYS HAD UNIQUE ABILITY TO, FOR LACK OF BETTER TERM, “PLEASE EVERYONE.” AND BY THAT HULK MEAN THAT IT PROVIDE “ANSWERS’ THAT REALLY MORE AN INTERESTING SET OF DIFFERENT ANSWERS, ALL OF WHICH JUST AS EQUALLY TRUE AS OTHER. IT ACTUALLY SPEAK TO RATHER MATHEMATICAL CONCEPT, LIKE MATRICES AND HOW ALL “THE ANSWERS CAN BE ALL WITHIN RANGE OF NUMERICAL SUBSET B”, ETC. MEANING THE ANSWER TO ANY PARTICULAR ISLAND MYSTERY OFTEN GAVE AT LEAST THREE ANSWERS, ONE CHARACTER/STORY BASED, ONE SCIENTIFIC/LOGIC BASED, AND ONE THEMATIC/RELIGIOUS/MYTH BASED (YOU MAY NOT REMEMBER THIS BEING CASE, BUT TRUST HULK. IT TRUE. THOUGH MOST OF IT IN THE PRODUCTION DESIGN). AND BEST YET, NONE OF THOSE ANSWERS WEAK ENOUGH TO OUTRIGHT DISMISS, NOR SO DOMINANT AS TO DISPLACE THE OTHERS.
THIS GENIUS-LEVEL MENTAL ACROBATICS. YOU KNOW, HULK GOING WAGER YOU PROBABLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO CREATE THAT KIND OF THEMATIC STASIS AS WRITER. IN HULK’S MIND, IT THE SINGULAR REASON TO LOVE THE SERIES FOREVER. AND THE FUNNY THING = THIS MULTI-ANSWER APPROACH OFTEN MADE SOME FIGHTING ABOUT LOST MEANINGS TO BE, WELL, KIND OF SILLY. THEY OFTEN JUST AS RIGHT AS THE OTHER. BUT THESE ARDENT SUPPORTERS OF SINGULAR TAKES OFTEN MISSED THE THING THAT MAKE THE SHOW SO FUCKING BRILLIANT:
IT PLEASED THE MAN OF THE FAITH. IT PLEASED THE MAN OF SCIENCE. AND IT OFTEN DID SO AT ONCE.
WHAT ELSE COULD HULK WANT FROM TV SHOW?
SO PLEASE DARLTON, AS HULK GET INTO THIS FINALE THING… PLEASE NO THINK HULK NO UNDERSTAND.
PART 2 – SO IF THAT WHAT MADE LOST FANTASTIC THEN WHY DID THE FINALE DROP THE BALL?
FIRST OFF, HULK THOUGHT 95% OF THE FINALE DOWNRIGHT SPECTACULAR. THE ENTIRE ON-ISLAND PLOT WRAPPED UP BEAUTIFULLY: THE EPIC JACK VS. LOCKE/MIB BRAWL (FEW REMEMBER THE COCKTEASINGLY-GREAT COMMERCIAL BREAK THAT HAPPENED JUST BEFORE IT). HURLEY’S NEW PLACE AS LEADER. DESMOND’S ELECTROMAGNETISM PAYING OFF AND TOTALLY PLAYING INTO THE STORY . LINUS’S ATONEMENT. THE BIG MYTHOLOGICAL ARCHPOINTS, EVEN THE ISLAND KEYSTONE, BECAUSE HULK TOTALLY COOL WITH IT BEING THE “ON/OFF” SWITCH EVEN IF SOME FELT IT ON THE NOSE.(2) MILES GETTING HIS DIAMONDS. MILES’S LINE: “I DON’T BELIEVE IN A LOT OF THINGS, BUT I DO BELIEVE IN DUCT TAPE!” (HOW DID THAT NO BECOME A T-SHIRT?) RICARDO’S GRAY HAIR AND HIS “I THINK I WANT TO LIVE” LINE. IT WRAPPED UP HIS STORY PERFECT ECONOMY. THERE ALL THE CHARACTERS SACRIFICES. THE LAST MOMENTS. VINCENT. THE BAMBOO. JACK WATCHING PLANE OVERHEAD. THE CLOSING OF THE EYE. IT ALL AMAZING. IT FELT LIKE THE SHOW. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT FELT LIKE THE SHOW’S TRUE END.
WHICH MEANS HULK’S PROBLEMS ALL ABOUT THE LAST 15 MINUTES IN THE FREAKING CHURCH.
HULK KNOW. HULK KNOW. LOTS OF FOLKS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE LAST SCENE AND FOR GOOD REASON, BUT HULK LISTENED/READ EVERY RESPONSE POSSIBLE. SOME TRULY GREAT, SOME INSPIRED, MOST KINDA BLAND AND UNSUPPORTED. BUT HULK ALWAYS FELT LIKE THERE SOMETHING MORE THAN THAT. SOMETHING ABOUT THAT SCENE THAT NOT JUST PROBLEMATIC, BUT SOMETHING THAT VIOLATES THE SHOW’S CORE IDENTITY.
AND HULK BELIEVE THE SOMETHING = THIS: IF LOST‘S TRANSCENDENT QUALITY HOW IT PLEASED THE MAN OF SCIENCE AND THE MAN OF FAITH, OFTEN WITH A SINGLE GESTURE, THEN WHY IN THE SERIES-DEFINING-MOMENT OF THE FINALE DID THEY DECIDE TO JUST PLAIN STOP DOING THAT?
AND NOT JUST STOP DOING THAT, BUT SEEMINGLY THUMB THEIR NOSE AT THAT CONCEPT?
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"
HULK NOT WANT RE-CAP TOO MUCH BUT IT IMPORTANT GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF FINAL SEASON AND OVERVIEW THE RELEVANT INFORMATION: UNTIL THAT POINT, MEANING PRE-SEASON 6 OPENER”LA… X”, THE SHOW CREATE A NARRATIVE THAT WORKED ON THE THREE LEVELS HULK MENTIONING ABOVE: CHARACTER/SCIENTIFIC(3)/MYTHOLOGICAL. THE PRIOR FIFTH SEASON ENDED ON PREDICATION THAT BY BLOWING UP THE H-BOMB, IT SINK THE ISLAND WOULD RESET TIME-LINE SO THAT THEY NEVER CRASHED THE ISLAND AND COULD GO ABOUT THEIR NORMAL LIVES. AND IN “LA…X” IT APPEARED TO BOTH WORK AND NOT WORK. IT ACTUALLY CREATED TWO TIME LINES: ONE REALITY WHERE THEY PRESSING FORWARD WITH ON-ISLAND ACTION AND CURRENT TIMELINE, AND ANOTHER REALITY WHERE THE BOMB SANK THE ISLAND AND THEY FIND PLANE LANDED SAFE IN L.A
AND ALL SEASON, THE AUDIENCE LEFT TO WONDER WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENING IN THIS NEW TIME-LINE REALITY WHERE THEY NEVER EXPERIENCED THE ISLAND. AT FIRST, THE SHOW WENT ON AND ON FOR HALF OF SEASON ESTABLISHING A SCIENTIFIC CONCEPT FOR TWO CONCURRENT TIME-LINES CONTINUING IN EARNEST. IT REALLY JUST SOME BASIC IDEAS IN STEPHEN HAWKING’S “A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME” REGARDING PARALLEL WORLDS CONTINUING FROM A SINGLE POINT OF INFLUENCE. THEY DIVERGE AT THAT POINT AND THE SCIENTIFIC THEORY BEHIND IT = A) RATHER SOUND AND B) A DEEPLY INTERESTING ANALYSIS OF TIME AND SPACE. THE SHOW REALLY HAMMERED THE CONCEPT HOME WHEN DANIEL FARRADAY SHOWED UP AND BASICALLY CONFIRMED ALL THIS VERBATIM… AND THEN THE SHOW SEEMED TAKE CURIOUS LEFT TURN WITH DESMOND, EVER THE CLAIRVOYANT, STARTED RUNNING AROUND TRYING TO ALMOST-KILL A TON OF PEOPLE. BESIDES BEING DOWNRIGHT ERRANT AND BIZARRE, ONE GUESSED THAT HE TRYING GET THEM TO “WAKE UP” AND BRING AWARENESS OF THEIR FORMER LIFE. HE WAS DESPERATE AND CRAZED, LIKE HE RUNNING AGAINST THE CLOCK. IT SEEMED THE GOAL NOT EXACTLY TO BRIDGE THE TWO WORLDS, BUT HULK GOT THE SENSE DESMOND NEEDED TO INFORM THE OTHERS FOR THE PURPOSE OF “SAVING” THE ISLAND MISSION AND THIS WOULD LATER HAVE ADDED BENEFIT OF GOING FORWARD IN THEIR NEW LIVES, KNOWING THEIR “OTHER” HISTORY IN THE ALTERNATIVE TIME-LINE. THE SHOW REALLY, REALLY TRIED TO MAKE THIS INTENTION CLEAR.
AND THEN IT JUST TURNED OUT THEY WERE DEAD.
OR SOMETHING.
TO BE HONEST THE MEANING OF THIS LACKS ABJECT CLARITY ON ANY LEVEL. YES THERE SOME INTENTIONAL VAGUERY INVOLVED IN THE REVEAL, BUT THE WAYS IN WHICH IT IS CLEAR LACK = COMPLETELY UNSATISFACTORY, ESPECIALLY FOR LOST STANDARDS. AND SO, THE FOLLOWING 10 PROBLEMS CONSTITUTE THE WAYS THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF FINALE ULTIMATELY FAILED THE SERIES.
"MAN. ALL THOSE TIMES WE FOUGHT AND ALMOST DIED, AND THEN ACTUALLY DIED. GOOD TIMES!"
PROBLEM #1 – IT OUTRIGHT SENTIMENTAL.
NOW, HULK NO GO SO FAR AS SAY THE ENDING CHEESY, IT JUST OVERTLY SENTIMENTAL. AS SUCH, ONE’S REACTION SORT OF DEPEND ON ONE’S THRESHOLD FOR SENTIMENTALITY. A LOT OF LOST VIEWERS OKAY WITH THE SENTIMENTAL ASPECT. THEY SAYING GOODBYE TO CHARACTERS THEY LOVE AND IT TRUE JOY TO SEE THEM BE HAPPY, YOU KNOW, SINCE ALL THE CHARACTERS GET THEIR BEAUTIFUL HAPPY-FUN-TIME MOMENT IN THE THE “PLACE THEY MADE FOR EACH OTHER” [EYE ROLL] BUT STILL, HULK’S PROBLEM NOT THAT IT SENTIMENTAL IN AND OF ITSELF, IT THAT IT THE SHOW WAS NEVER SENTIMENTAL.
HULK BET YOU MAY ARGUE THE SHOW WAS SENTIMENTAL BEFORE. THAT OKAY, BUT HULK ARGUE IT NEVER WAS. IT WAS EMOTIONAL AND THAT A HUGE DIFFERENCE. COMPARE THE FINALE TO, SAY, THE INCREDIBLE MOMENT WHERE DESMOND ABLE TO CALL PENNY ON THE PHONE FOR THAT BRIEF MOMENT ON THE FREIGHTER. AFTER AN ENTIRE NARRATIVE OF DESMOND TRYING TO REACH PENNY, IT FINALLY HAPPENS AND THE TWO OF THEM JUST SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY… HULK ADMIT. HULK TEARED UP. BUT THE MOMENT = HANDLED WITH GRACE AND BUILDUP. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHILE IT HAPPENING, WE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANT FOR THESE TWO PEOPLE AS IT WAS HAPPENING. NOW IMAGINE IF THIS EMOTIONAL MOMENT GOT THE SAME MISE EN SCENE TREATMENT AS THE FINALE. (4)
THERE VAST, INHERENT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TWO CHARACTERS COMING TOGETHER IN JOYFUL WAY, AND EVERYONE GETTING TOGETHER FOR BIG GROUP HUG ON THEIR WAY TO HEAVEN. HULK ALSO WILLING TO BET SOME READERS JUST THINK HULK BIG MEAN FUDDY-DUDDY WHO TRYING BE WAY TOO HIP TO BE SENTIMENTAL AND STUFF. THEY MIGHT THINK HULK LIKE THOSE PEOPLE WHO FIND SAP IN ANY FORM TO JUST BE SO OBVIOUSLY STUPID (POSSIBLY LIKE THE CHURCH OF SOUTH PARK). WELL YOU WRONG. HULK LOVE EMOTIONAL STORIES. HULK LOVE OPTIMISTISM AND HOPE. HULK LOVING DR. WHO FOR PETE’S SAKE! BUT LOST NEVER DARED BE SENTIMENTAL BEFORE. IT NEVER TRIED OR WANTED BE THAT KIND OF SHOW. IT WANTED TO BE DEEP. IT WANTED TO RESONATE. IT WANTED TO BE COMLEX AND EVASIVE.
SO WHY BE SENTIMENTAL NOW? SOME MAY ARGUE THE SHOW EARNED THE RIGHT TO BE SENTIMENTAL AFTER THIS LONG RUN. THAT FAIR, BUT HULK DISAGREE. A SHOW SHOULD NO CHANGE ITS IDENTITY JUST BECAUSE IT OVER. BUT EVEN IF THE SENTIMENTALITY THREW SOME PEOPLE FOR LOOP, THAT ONLY SMALL SMALL PART OF THE BIGGER PROBLEMS OF THE LAST 15 MINUTES…
"I WILL MAKE TWO DIFFERENT NARRATIVES! OR WAIT, NOT AT ALL!"
PROBLEM #2 – THE NARRATIVE FEINT
CONSIDER THE LAST SEASON AS A SINGULAR SEASON OF TELEVISION. WHAT BECOME OBVIOUSLY CLEAR, THAT THE WHOLE HAWKING-ESQUE SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION OF TWO ALTERNATIVE TIME-LINES DIVERGING FROM A POINT = NOTHING BUT A NARRATIVE FEINT BEFORE GETTING TO THE TRUE REVEAL OF THEM ALL BEING DEAD. JUST TO CLARIFY, THE WRITERS OBVIOUSLY NOT SO WILLY-NILLY THAT THEY JUST DECIDE CHANGE COURSE HALFWAY THROUGH SEASON (FINE, NEED A CONCRETE REASON? CHARLIE’S PLOT IN THE SEASON OPENER WITH HIS NEAR-DEATH. IT MAKE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR THEY KNEW WHERE THEY GOING WITH THIS PURGATORY THING). SO THE HAWKING SCIENCE STUFF MEANT AS NOTHING MORE THAN A FEINT IN THE STORY. CAUSE IT SURE AS SHIT NOT CONGRUOUS WITH WHAT FOLLOWED. SO IN TERMS OF NARRATIVE CONSTRUCTION… WHY? WHY MAKE THE SUDDEN AND BRASH ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN THE SCIENCE OF TWO TIME-LINES? ULTIMATELY, IT CAN ONLY MAKE IT FEEL HOLLOW. BECAUSE WHY WOULD A META-PURGATORY SETTING TAKE SO MUCH TIME TO TIE INTO THE H-BOMB PLAN? IT WOULD NOT. IT JUST FEELS LIKE THE WRITERS SETTING UP THE BIG CURVE AND LESS SOMETHING PURSUED FOR ITS OWN REASONS/WORTH. IT NOTHING MORE THAN AN EMPTY, HALF-SEASON-LONG RED HERRING. AND IN TERMS OF NARRATIVE, THAT FEEL DISHONEST IN WAY THE SHOW HAS NEVER FELT BEFORE. SURE, THE SHOW HAS WITHHELD THINGS BEFORE, OR DROPPED STORY LINES, OR CHANGED DIRECTION OF MEANING, BUT THOSE WERE OFTEN DONE IN THE NAME OF BUILDING TO GREATER STORY CONTENT. THE SHOW HAS NEVER DIPPED INTO OUTRIGHT FEINTING. LOST ALWAYS PLAYED A MORE DELICATE GAME THAN THAT… OR AT LEAST THEY DID UNTIL THAT MOMENT.
GEE, HULK WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN...
PROBLEM #3 – THE DRAMA SUCK
AS FOR THE ALTERNATIVE-SUNK-ISLAND-TIMELINE (HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHAT CALL IT SO IT GOING BE DIFFERENT EVERY TIME) HULK JUST WANT SAY THIS: IT WAS A DRAMA SUCK. CONFUSION AND MYSTERY ARE GREAT FOR GETTING VIEWERS INVESTED, BUT WHEN THESE THINGS IMPOSED OVER THE SAME MOMENTS THAT AUDIENCE SUPPOSED TO BE EXPERIENCING ON PURER, VISCERAL LEVEL, WHETHER IT SOMETHING FUNNY, JOYFUL, CATHARTIC, ANYTHING, THEN THE IMPOSED LAYER OF MYSTERY ROBS THE MOMENT OF IMPACT. THIS A BASIC STORYTELLING TRUTH.
SO EVERY TIME A CHARACTER “WOKE UP” IN PURGATORY, AT TIME WE NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENING. DESMOND GOING AROUND NEAR KILLING PEOPLE FOR BUNCH OF EPISODES JUST SEEMED CRAZY, BUT IT SURE AS SHIT NOT EMOTIONAL. WE NO UNDERSTAND IT. YOU MAY SAY, BUT LOST ALWAYS CRAZY! TRUE, BUT THEY SHOWCASED AMAZING ABILITY TO TOW THE LINE BETWEEN MYSTERY AND CHARACTER RESONANCE ALL THROUGHOUT THE RUN OF THE SHOW. IN SOME MOMENTS THEY WERE PERFECTLY INTERTWINED. FOR EXAMPLE, TWO CHARACTERS WOULD TALK IN RIDDLES ABOUT THE ISLAND’S MYSTERIES, BUT REALLY IT ABOUT WHAT THEIR CHARACTERS THINK OF THE ISLAND MYSTERY. IT ABOUT THEIR PERSPECTIVES. MEANWHILE, THE MYSTERY IN THE ALTERNA-TIMELINE JUST FELT BIZARRE. THE CHARACTER “WAKING UP” ONCE THEY GONE THROUGH THE RINGER OF THEIR PALE IMITATIONS OF A FORMER LIFE. AND THEN THEY JUST WENT ALL DOE-EYED AND POD PEOPLE. ON PURE DRAMA LEVEL IT NO WORK. IT UNDERMINES HOW WE EXPERIENCE THE THINGS AS AUDIENCE. WE JUST SAT AROUND WAITING IN THE FINALE FOR THEM TO RECREATE MOMENTS WE ALREADY EXPEREIENCED. ULTIMATELY, IT BORING.(5)
"LOOK I KNOW I SAID WE'D MEET UP IN HEAVEN BUT I DIDN'T THINK THAT WOULD LITERALLY FUCKING HAPPEN. SO... UM. WHERE'S NADIA?"
PROBLEM #4- SAYID/SHANNON
ADMITTEDLY SMALL, BUT SERIOUSLY… THIS JUST NO FEEL LIKE RIGHT CONCLUSION TO EITHER OF THEIR STORY-LINES… WHATSOEVER. PERHAPS PART OF THE PROBLEM THAT THE SHOW NEVER SATISFACTORILY EXPLAINED WHAT THE NADIA PLOT FULLY MEANT. HULK THINK THAT THE WRITERS ULTIMATELY WANTED CONVEY THAT SAYID AND NADIA NEVER MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. THEY TRIED, BUT IT DIDN’T WORK. JUST ONE OF THOSE STAR-CROSSED THINGS. BUT FOR SOME REASON THAT THEME NEVER STRUCK A CHORD. NOT TRULY. IF DONE BETTER, THEN PERHAPS IT SHOW SHANNON COULD HAVE BEEN THE REAL GIRL WHO SAYID HAD CONNECTION WITH… THEN AGAIN, THIS NO WORK BECAUSE: A) SHANNON JUST SORT OF SHOWS UP AT LAST SECOND IN PURGATORY WORLD AND THEY SUDDENLY THEY LOVE AND HAPPY TO GET BACK TO THE FUCKIN’. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY B) BECAUSE THAT WAS NEVER THEIR RELATIONSHIP IN FIRST PLACE. IT WAS NEVER DEEP. THEY FLIRTED. THEY ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER. THEY HAD A QUICKIE AND THEN SHANNON KILLED. SO WHY THEY SUPPOSED BE SOUL MATES NOW OR SOME SHIT? IF SHANNON SO IMPORTANT WHY DID SAYID NEVER MENTION HER AGAIN? SERIOUSLY, HULK PRETTY SURE HE NEVER MENTIONED HER AGAIN IN THE COURSE OF THE SHOW. THEY WERE JUST TWO PEOPLE WHO ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER BRIEF MOMENT. SO THE PICTURE OF BOTH OF THEM IN THE FINALE, HEADING OFF INTO SUNSET, JUST COMPLETELY WRONG.
WHOSE A LITTLE BABY? HOW OLD ARE YOU? ARE YOU EVEN HERE?
PROBLEM # 5 – BASIC LOGISTICS
SOME OF THE LOGISTICS OF THIS ALTERNA-PURGATORY ARE DOWNRIGHT NUTTERS. THERE TONS HULK COULD MENTION, LIKE HOW THERE LOTS OF NON-ISLAND PEOPLE INCLUDED IN THIS PLACE TOO, LIKE WHY WAS DESMOND SO EAGER TO RUN AROUND AND ALMOST-KILL PEOPLE WHEN REALLY THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING OUT THERE SHIT? LIKE IF JACK WAS IN PURGATORY TO DEAL WITH HIS DADDY ISSUES THEN WHY WAS HIS DAD NOT THERE UNTIL HE SHOW UP AT THE LAST SECOND TO TELL HIM HE DAD AND EVERYTHING BEING ALL BETTER FOR SOME REASON? LIKE WHERE THE FUCK ARE MICHAEL AND WALT? (ONLY TWO ORIGINAL LOSTIES NOT INCLUDED).LIKE WHERE THE HELL ARE MILES AND LAPIDUS? THEY GOT WAY MORE ISLAND TIME THAN LIBBY AND SHANNON. HULK GUESS THEY AREN’T TWO OF THE MAIN LOSTIE’S FUCK BUDDIES SO WHO CARES, RIGHT? (HULK JOKING. BUT REALLY IF YOU SOMEHOW INFER EITHER ONE IS A SOUL MATE IT IS A GRAVE OFFENSE TO THE CONCEPT. SHANNON TAPPED SAYID. AND LIBBY WAS, LIKE, THE FIRST GIRL WHO TALKED TO HURLEY. THAT NOT A SOUL MATE MAKE. (6)
BUT THE BIGGEST ROADBLOCK IN HAVING THE PURGATORY DEFINITION MAKE A LICK OF SENSE? AARON. WHY WAS HE A BABY IN THIS PURGATORY WORLD? IF THEY ONLY GO THERE WHEN EVERYONE DIE, WHY HE A BABY? HE GOT OLD RIGHT? MAYBE IT CAUSE HE WAS BABY ON ISLAND SO IT REFLECTIVE OF THAT? BUT THAT MEAN HE GOT BORN INTO PURGATORY WITH ABSOLUTELY NO UNDERSTAND. AND IF HE GET TO LIVE HIS LIFE WITH CLAIRE AND KATE IN THE REAL WORLD AFTERWARDS WHY WOULD THEIR ONLY IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM BE THE BABY ONE? … HULK MEAN… HULK BRAIN HURT… OR HECK, MAYBE AARON NOT REALLY THERE AT ALL AND IT JUST A PROP BABY. YOU KNOW, SO THAT KATE CAN HAVE HER SPIRITUAL AWAKENING MOMENT WHEN SHE SEE AARON’S HEAD CROWNING OUT CLAIRE’S VAGINA.
[KATE VIEWS BABY HEAD RIPPING AUSSIE VAGINA] KATE: “HOLY SHIT, I’M DEAD! THAT’S CRAZY! WELL, TIME TO SMILE LIKE THIS IS TOTALLY AWESOME OR SOMETHING.”(7) … THINK ABOUT IT. THAT WHAT THE WRITERS ACTUALLY DID. THEY MEANT IMPLY THAT KATE’S MOTHERHOOD ROLE = HER TRANSCENDING MOMENT, HULK KNOW, BUT THAT NOT EXACTLY HOW IT PLAYED OUT IN TERMS OF DRAMA. THERE THIS INCREDIBLE META FUNNINESS TO IT AND IT KEPT HULK LAUGHING TO HULKSELF FOR, LIKE, WEEKS.
BUT THE AARON CONUNDRUM SPEAK TO THE PROBLEMS MOST. FOR EXAMPLE, WHAT IF HULK REALLY IMPORTANT IN SOMEONE’S LIFE BUT HULK NOT REALLY CARE ABOUT THAT PERSON? DOES HULK HAVE TO SIT AROUND AND HELP SOMEONE DEAL WITH THEIR SHIT? IS IT REFLEXIVE LIKE THAT? OR IS HULK JUST A PROJECTION? AGAIN, IS AARON REAL?
*GASP* WAIT…DOES AARON JUST GET BROUGHT TO HEAVEN TO “MOVE ON” AS A BABY? DID HE NOT GET A CHANCE TO SORT OUT HIS OWN PURGATORY BASED ON THE PRESUMED LIFE HE HAD GOING FORWARD? DID HE HAVE SUCH A MEANINGLESS LIFE THAT ALL HE NEEDED TO DO TO “MOVE ON” WAS JUST BE BORN? DID HE GET NO SAY IN ANY OF THIS?!??!
…THE LOGIC SORT OF TERRIFYING.
SO NOW THEN…. THE THING ABOUT PROBLEMS 1 -5 THAT HULK NOT REALLY GIVE SHIT ABOUT THEM. IT MAY NO SEEM THAT WAY, BUT HULK ALWAYS WILLING OVERLOOK ANY PLOTHOLE, WRITING CONVENIENCE, TONE CHANGE, OR WHATEVER, AS LONG AS IT IN THE PURSUIT OF SOMETHING MORE EFFECTIVE: OFTEN A RELEVANT THEME, RELEVANT META VALUE, OR HELL, EVEN A REALLY GOOD JOKE. BUT IT HAVE BE IN THE NAME OF SOMETHING WORTHY… TURNS OUT PROBLEMS 1-5 ACT MORE INDICATORS OF BIGGER ISSUES. THE REAL PROBLEM WITH THE LAST 15 MINUTES NOT THAT DECISIONS NO LOGISTICALLY COMPUTE. IT THAT THEY NO THEMATICALLY COMPUTE…
PROBLEM #6 – WAIT, WHY THEY ALL TOGETHER AGAIN?
SO THEIR PURGATORY-HEAVEN-THINGY = THE PLACE BUILT FOR EACH OTHER. FINE. BUT WHY EXACTLY DID THEY DO THAT? EVEN THOUGH THERE A FEW GREAT CORE RELATIONSHIPS, HULK FELT MOST OF THESE PEOPLE BARELY KNEW ONE ANOTHER. IT 6 YEARS OF TV SHOW, BUT IN SHOW TIME TERMS SOME SPENT AS LITTLE AS 40 DAYS TOGETHER, IF THAT (SORRY BOONE). AND WITH THE ACT INTERACTIONS SOME ONLY SPOKE A FEW TIMES AT MOST. THIS BECAUSE THE THEMATIC RESONANCE OF LOST‘S FIRST SEASON (THE BEST SEASON BY THE WAY) DEALT ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T KNOW/TRUST EACH OTHER TRYING TO SURVIVE TOGETHER, WHICH IS WHY THE STORY NARRATIVE LARGELY CENTERED AROUND THEIR OWN BACK STORIES AND PERSONAL DEMONS. WHILE A FEW LOSTIES DID END UP BECOMING CLOSE, MOST SPENT THE ENTIRE SHOW REMAINING AT A DISTANCE, BASICALLY FOCUSING ON THEIR OWN INTERNAL SHIT.
SO WHY THE HELL WAS THE END THE SHOW WAS ULTIMATELY SAYING THAT THE CAMARADERIE AND FRIENDSHIP = THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THEY EVER HAD? HULK KNOW THAT IT A VALUABLE MESSAGE WORTHY OF ANY SHOW, HELL, IT EVEN A GREAT FINAL MESSAGE FOR LOST… EXCEPT THE SHOW RARELY TRIED TO IMPLY THEIR DEFINITION OF DEPENDENCE WAS SYNONYMOUS WITH “FRIENDSHIP.” THE JOURNEYS WERE LARGELY SOLITARY. SO WHEN THE SHOW HAS THIS ENDING WHERE THEY JUST ALL SO HAPPY TO BE TOGETHER LIKE THEY ALL WERE IN THE SAME FRAT OR SOMETHING, IT NO COMPUTE. THE SHOW, FORALL IT’S “LIVE TOGETHER, DIE ALONE” MANTRA, RARELY TRIED TO PURSE THE TRUTH ABOUT THE TOGETHER, AND REMAINED FIXATED ON THE ALONE.
BUT MORE THAN THAT, THE THINKING IMPLIES A FIXED “ISLAND-ONLY” LIFE FOR THESE PEOPLE. YES, HULK KNOW THEY ALL GOT CALLED TO ISLAND FOR THE IMPORTANT DEED OF POSSIBLY TAKING OVER FOR JACOB (THE RELATIVE WORTH OF THAT KINDA SHADY TOO) BUT MOST LOSTIES HAD ALL THESE OTHER RELEVANT THINGS IN THEIR LIVES. KATE PRESUMABLY WENT BACK AND RAISED AARON AND DO WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE. CLAIRE TOO. DID HER AND AARON GROW UP TO HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP? DID SAWYER HAVE ANOTHER LIFE? DID THEY FIND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS TO SHARE THEIR JOY WITH? ALL OF THEM, WHAT DID THEY DO AFTER? BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEIR JOURNEY INTO THE AFTERLIFE INVOLVES ALL THE PEOPLE FROM THE PSYCHO-ISLAND AND NOT THE PRESUMED LOVED ONES THEY SPENT THE REST OF THEIR LIVES WITH. IT CONJECTURE, BUT BASED ON THE DEFINITION OF THE PURGATORY IT HIGHLY RELEVANT CONJECTURE.
IT GET AT HEART OF WHY THE WHOLE LAST 15 MINUTES JUST FEEL WRONG. HULK KNOW RELATIONSHIPS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE, BUT REALLY, WHY IT THESE RELATIONSHIPS??!?!? THE SHOW NEVER TRULY SUPPORTED THE IDEA BEHIND THIS KIND OF HAPPY GATHERING FOR THEM. FOR FUCK SAKE CLAIRE, MOST OF THESE PEOPLE LEFT YOU THERE OR TRIED TO KILL YOU. AND AGAIN, HULK’S POINTS ABOVE WITH THE SAYID/SHANNON THING SORT OF HIGHLIGHT THE ABSURDITY OF ALL OF IT.
SO WHY DO IT? UNFORTUNATELY, THE ONLY ANSWER TIE BACK TO SENTIMENTALITY. BECAUSE ON A THEMATIC LEVEL… IT JUST NOT MAKE SENSE FOR LOST… EMOTIONALLY, IT JUST FELT LIKE THE CONSOLATION PRIZE.
PROBLEM #7 – PURGATORY DUPLICITY – WE ALREADY BEEN THERE!
SO, WITH THE ALTERNATIVE TIME-LINE, THEY WERE BASICALLY IN LITERAL PURGATORY…. HERE THE THING: THEY ALREADY WERE IN PURGATORY. FROM ONSET OF SHOW THE AUDIENCE GUESSED THE ISLAND = PURGATORY. THE SHOW RUNNERS CAME OUT SURPRISINGLY EARLY ON AND SAID THIS NOT CASE. BUT THE REASONS EVERYONE GUESSED THAT BECAUSE THE SHOW SO CLEARLY AND OBVIOUSLY USED THE ISLAND AS SYMBOLIC PURGATORY. ALL THE CHARACTERS ARRIVED IN PLANE CRASH, THEY LITERALLY “LOST,” THEY EACH BROUGHT WITH THEM A GREAT DEAL OF EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE, SO THEY SORTED OUT THEIR SHIT ON MYSTICAL ISLAND AND PROMPTLY DROPPED DEAD THE MOMENT THEY FIGURED IT OUT. MEANING THEY “MOVED ON” SO TO SPEAK…
SO… WHAT… THE ALTERNA-TIMELINE LIKE… SECOND PURGATORY? HULK AWARE THERE SEVERAL HINDU/OTHER RELIGIOUS TENETS INVOLVED IN THIS IDEA AND REPEATING LIFE UNTIL BE COME MORE AND MORE PURE (MMORSE DOES GREAT JOB EXPLAINING THIS IN COLUMN HULK LINKING TOO LATER SO HULK NOT GOING BOTHER EXPLAINING IT WORSE) FOR HULK, THIS UTILIZATION NOT EXACTLY WORK, BUT FOR SAKE OF ARGUMENT, LET’S ALL SAY EVERYONE ON BOARD WITH THE CONCEPT AND FIND IT INTERESTING: THE LOSTIES REPEATING THIER LIVES, GETTING IT MORE PERFECT, SO THEY CAN ASCEND TO THE FINAL HEAVEN… FINE… BUT IT STILL THE DRAMATIZATION OF THE EXACT SAME THING EXPERIENCED ONCE BEFORE. WITH THE RARE EXCEPTION, THE ALTERNA-TIMELINE NOT THEM GETTING SECOND CHANCES TO DO THINGS THEY NEVER DID. THEY ALREADY DID THEM. ALL THE LESSONS THE MAIN CHARACTERS LEARNED WERE THINGS THEY ALREADY LEARNED ON ISLAND. WHY WASTE A WHOLE SEASON ON IT? IT COMPLETELY WITHOUT DRAMA. BUT EVEN WORSE, IT COMPLETELY WITHOUT POINT.
SERIOUSLY, ASIDE FROM SOME SHEDDING LIGHT ON HINDU CONCEPTS OF MULTIPLE LIFES, WHAT WAS NEW THEMATIC THING EXPRESSED IN THE PURGATORY PLOTLINE? HULK TRULY BELIEVE THAT IF THE SHOW DITCHED THE ENTIRE PURGATORY PLOTLINE AND THE ENDING CHURCH THEME, THE SHOW WOULD NOT HAVE LOST A SINGLE CRITICAL THEME WITH THE CHARACTERS.
THINK ABOUT IT, ON THE ISLAND: JACK LEARNED TO EMBRACE HIS DEATH. KATE EMBRACED MOTHERHOOD. SAWYER EMBRACED TAKING CARE OF OTHERS AND FRIENDS. HURLEY EMBRACED LEADERSHIP AND RESPONSIBILITY. BEN LINUS ACCEPTED HIS GUILT AND MISDEEDS. JIN AND SUN ACCEPTED EACH OTHER (REMEMBER: IN THE FIRST SEASON THAT WAS THEIR CENTRAL PROBLEM. THEIR PLOTLINE ESSENTIALLY RESOLVED AFTER 3 SEASONS SO THE SHOW SPENT THE NEXT 3 SEASONS JUST KEEPING THEM APART). MICHAEL ACCEPTED RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS AND RETURNED TO THE ISLAND, SACRIFICING HIMSELF ON THE FREIGHTER. CLAIRE ACCEPTED THAT SHE HAVE PRETTY SERIOUS CASE OF POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION. SHANNON ACCEPTED NOT BEING SUCH A PRISS AND SLEPT WITH A MINORITY (OH COME ON). MILES ACCEPTED THAT HE IS AWESOME… AND LOCKE… WELL MAYBE LOCKE THE ONLY ONE WHO DIFFERENT BECAUSE HIS LAST MOMENTS INVOLVED HIS ACCEPTANCE THAT HE A CONFUSED, GULLIBLE FOOL… HOW SAD(18). BOONE ACCEPTED THAT HE WAS LOCKE’S LACKEY/TOOL (SERIOUSLY, THIS JUST RECONFIRMED IN THE PURGATORY PLOT LINE). JULIET ACCEPTED THAT SAWYER WILL ALWAYS HAVE A BONER FOR KATE SO THE ONLY WAY TO GET HIM TO COMMIT IS TO DIE (OKAY THAT NOT WHAT THAT SAYING, BUT COME ON, SHE CAN ONLY LOCK THAT DOWN IF KATE’S NOT AROUND). CHARLIE ACCEPTED THAT HE’S SEMI-WORTHLESS AND ONLY GOOD FOR A GIRL WHO HAS GOT MAJOR DADDY/BABY-DADDY ISSUES… OKAY SO EVEN THOUGH HULK JOKING WITH A BUNCH OF THESE AT THE END, THE POINT THAT ALL THEIR ISSUES ALREADY SOLVED ON A THEMATIC LEVEL, SO THERE NOTHING REALLY TO BE ADDED IN THE “DO OVER.”
HULK JUST CAN NO GET OVER IT. THE FINALE JUST FELT LIKE WAITING FOR CHARACTERS TO JUMP THROUGH HOOPS AND BEATS THAT ALREADY HAPPENED. THERE NOTHING “NEW” TO IT. THEIR MOMENTS OF TRANSCENDENCE = EMOTIONAL BEATS WE ALREADY HAD SATISFACTION OF REALIZING.
ON A THEMTATIC LEVEL IT REPETITIVE. AND ON A DRAMATIC LEVEL IT DOWNRIGHT SUCKS.
IN SCREENWRITING, THERE A LOT OF TALK ABOUT CLARITY AND ECONOMY. A MOVIE OR TV SHOW MEANT TO OPERATE IN TERMS OF BOTH. HULK KNOW THAT LOST BOTH THRIVED IN AND OPERATED UNDER THE VEIL OF MYSTERY AND ALLURE. BUT CLARITY AND ECONOMY MATTER IN THE LONG RUN. AND THE FINALE’S ENDING REVEAL HIGHLIGHTED A COMPLETE DISINTEREST IN BOTH OF THEM.
"TRUST ME, I WAS A TERRIBLE DOCTOR, I DESTROYED YOUR CHILDHOOD, MY TAKEN FORM DIRECTED YOU TO CERTAIN DOOM, AND I HAUNTED YOUR DREAMS. BUT TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN KIDDO, YOU'RE DEAD!"
PROBLEM # 8 – THE LECTURE
THERE FAMOUS ANECDOTE FROM THE FIRST FEW SEASONS OF LOST, IN WHICH THE WRITERS SAID IF THE SHOW EVER CANCELED, A TALKING MONKEY WOULD COME OUT AND EXPLAIN THE UNSOLVED CORE MYSTERIES OF THE SHOW VERBATIM. THE IDEA QUITE FUNNY, AND HULK ALWAYS APPRECIATED THE WRITERS’ CANDOR IN KNOWING THAT IT WOULD BE THE HILARIOUS/COMPLETELY UNSATISFACTORY WAY TO HANDLE THE STOPPAGE OF THE STORY AND WRAP UP THE MYSTERY.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE LAST 15 MINUTES CAME WAY TOO CLOSE TO THE MONKEY SPEECH.
IN THE ENDING MOMENTS, AS HULK SAT BEFORE HULK’S TV, WATCHING THE LAST FEW MINUTES, HULK WAS DEEPLY WORRIED AND INTERESTED, ACHING FOR STORY AND THEMATIC CLARITY. THEN CHRISTIAN SHEPARD LOOKED ALMOST DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA AND LECTURED RIGHT AT HULK, TELLING HULK A GREAT DEAL OF WISHY-WASHY SENTIMENTS AND WAS ESSENTIALLY BEING EVASIVE. MORE SO, HE SAYING THAT SAYING HIS EVASIVENESS CRITICAL TO HULK’S CATHARSIS… NOW… HULK WOULD HOPE AT THIS POINT IT EVIDENT THAT HULK NOT SOME SNOT-NOSED, HIGH-SCHOOL-LEVEL, INDIGNANT TWERP WHO NO LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO THINK. THAT NOT HULK AND THAT NOT WHAT HAPPENING HERE… IT JUST THERE A LEVEL OF EGREGIOUS HALF-TRUTH COMING ACROSS FROM A CHARACTER WHO NOW SUPPOSED TO BE REPRESENTING ABSOLUTE PERFECT WISDOM. AND THE HALF-TRUTH CONCERNS THE DISMISSAL OF CURIOSITY IN FAVOR OF EMBRACING UNKNOWABLE COMPLEXITY. JACK WANTS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENING AROUND HIM AND CHRISTIAN TELLING HE CAN NEVER KNOW. NOR SHOULD HE TRY TO KNOW. HE MUST EMBRACE HIS LACK OF UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPT IT. CASTING ASIDE THE RAMIFICATIONS OF THOSE WORDS (AND ODD POLITICAL DEDUCTIONS THAT COME WITH IT), THERE SOMETHING TO THE OUTRIGHT TELLING THAT DEEPLY UNSATISFACTORY. IT NOT JUST WITHHOLDING, BUT IT OUTRIGHT TELLING THE AUDIENCE “HEY! I’M BEING WITHHOLDING! DEAL WITH IT!” IT FAR MORE PATRONIZING THEN THE MERE DRAMATIZATION OF WITHOLDING, WHICH WHEN DONE WELL CAN BE TRANSCENDENT (I.E. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, MADE ROUGHLY SOME OF THE SAME POINTS IN STARK, GORGEOUS, DRAMATIZED FASHION). HECK, THERE PLENTY OF TIMES LOST DRAMATIZED THIS VERY SAME IDEA TO INCREDIBLE EFFECT (WHAT’S DOWN IN THE HATCH? WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THE BOMB WENT OFF), ETC. THAT SPOKE TO THE VERY SAME IDEA…. ONLY IT NOT A LECTURE.
BELIEVE HULK, THE DRAMATIC LEVEL OF TO THE LAST 15 MINUTES = ABSOLUTELY PARAMOUNT. AT THAT MOMENT, THE AUDIENCE MIRED IN NOTHING BUT CONFUSION, TRYING FOLLOW ALONG AND UNDERSTAND. AND HULK IMAGINE THAT MUCH OF WHAT HAPPENING HAVE BE REALIZED, NOT TOLD. CATHARSIS SHOULD BE EXPERIENCED, ESPECIALLY AN INTENDED CATHARSIS THAT MEANT TO BE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE SHOW. IT THE OLD ADAGE OF “SHOW DON’T TELL” SO WHY THE LAST MOMENTS OF THE SHOW A LECTURE DIRECTLY TO THE AUDIENCE? COMPARE IT TO THE MATRIX RELOADED, WHICH NO MATTER HOW INTERESTING A CONVERSATION, RELIED ON A LECTURE FOR A CLIMAX. EVEN COMPARE IT TO RESOLUTION OF LOST‘S ON-ISLAND PLOTLINE, WITH THE OBVIOUS METAPHOR OF THE CORK IN THE BOTTLE… IT A MOMENT GROUNDED WITH AS LITTLE INFORMATION AS POSSIBLE, BUT FULL OF EMOTION AND BEAUTIFUL IMAGERY SO WE GET IT… IT NOT A LECTURE.
SO WHAT IF THE CHURCH SCENE HAD MORE OF DRAMA AND RELIED ON IMAGERY? WOULD IT HAVE BEEN SO PAINFULLY OVERT WITHOUT THE LECTURE? IF IT JUST SHOWED THE CHARACTERS HUGGING AND GOING INTO THE LIGHT? WOULD NOT HULK HAVE UNDERSTOOD THE THE SHOW WAS BEING SYMBOLICALLY WITHHOLDING AND LET HULK MAKE UP HULK’S OWN GODDAMN MIND? WHAT IF IT WAS ALL UNSAID?
HULK THINK IT BETTER THAN SOME GUY NAME CHRISTIAN SHEPARD SPITTING HALF-TRUTHS.
PICTURED: A CHURCH
PROBLEM #9 – THINGS JUST GOT ECUMENICAL UP IN HERE!
THE ENDING SCENE IN THE CHURCH ULTIMATELY JUST ABOUT CHRISTIANITY, EVEN IF HULK NOT SURE THAT DARLTON’S INTENTION. YOU MAY SAY, “BUT HULK, ALL THOSE DIFFERENT RELIGIONS REPRESENTED IN THE WINDOW! IT ABOUT ALL THE FAITHS!” … RIGHT.
FIRST OFF, HULK WANT BE REAL CAREFUL HERE. IN DISCUSSING VARIOUS TAKES ON NOT JUST RELIGION BUT SPIRITUALITY, THERE A BIG CHANCE TO OFFEND. PLEASE KNOW THAT NOT HULK’S INTENTION. HULK KNOW IT DANGEROUS GROUND BECAUSE THESE CONCEPTS NOT JUST PERSONAL, BUT INTRINSIC TO ONE’S IDENTITY. SO JUST KNOW THAT HULK TALKING ABOUT THEM IN TERMS OF CLARITY OF EXPRESSED IDEA AND NOT, YOU KNOW, ACTUAL BELIEFS. IT THEOLOGICAL CONVERSATION IN THE REALM OF PHILOSOPHY AND SCIENCE, NOTHING MORE… SO CONCERNING THE WHOLE CHURCH SCENE:
FIRST OFF YOU CAN CALL IT “THE CHURCH SCENE” AND EVERYONE ON PLANET KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT. SHIT, JUST GOOGLE IT AND SEE WHAT COME UP. THIS PERHAPS IMPLIES THE FINAL SCENE NOT AS PANTHEISTIC AS INTENDED. IT MEANT TO BE SO MUCH MORE, BUT IT ULTIMATELY JUST THE CHURCH SCENE. AND IT REALLY NOT REPRESENT “ALL FAITHS” IN THE WAY IT THINK IT DOES.
IT CALLED BEING ECUMENICAL. SOME HISTORY: THE ECUMENICAL MOVEMENT AIMED TO COMBINE THE CHRISTIAN FAITHS INTO UNIFIED GROUP, TO BOTH END STRIFE/ACHIEVE PEACE/CREATE SINGULAR CHRISTIAN MESSAGE. IN RECENT YEARS, ECUMENICISM COME TO DEFINE THE DESIRE TO BE INCLUSIVE OF ALL THE WORLD’S FAITHS INTO A SINGULAR MESSAGE OF PEACE, SIMILARITY AND COHESIVENESS. IT OBVIOUSLY SIMILAR TO UNITARIANISM, BAHA’I, THE NEW MONASTICS, AND OTHER MOVEMENTS THAT SEEM WELL-MEANING AND OFTEN PUTTING LOTS GOOD OUT IN THE WORLD. BUT THE PROBLEM WITH THIS KIND OF “INCLUSIVE” THINKING SORT OF OBVIOUS: IT DONE THROUGH THE LENS OF CHRISTIANITY (OR INSERT WHATEVER CHIEF RELIGION THE MOVEMENT CENTERED AROUND). OFTEN TIMES WE AS INCLUSIVE-CULTURE LIKE TO BELIEVE RELIGION ALL SAYING THE SAME THING. HULK NOT DENYING THERE VAST AMOUNT OF OVERLAP. NEARLY ALL HAVE VERSIONS OF CHRIST-LIKE FIGURES, VIRGIN MARYS, ANGELS, DEMONS, ETC. BUT WHAT IT REALLY DOING = JUST LOOKING FOR THE WAYS OTHER RELIGIONS LIKE CHRISTIANITY, NOT THE WAYS THE DIFFERENT. AND IT LARGELY THE WAYS IN WHICH RELIGIONS DIFFERENT THAT DEFINE THEM.
IT SURELY NOT INTENTIONAL, BUT THE LENS OF THE BASE RELIGION SKEWS EVERYTHING. SOMETIMES IT NOT EVEN ALL THAT STRONG A DIFFERENCE. BOTH CHRISTIANITY AND HINDUISM HAVE A “FINAL ASCENDANCY” BUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN HOW THOSE EXPRESSED/REALIZED = VITAL. AND SOMETIMES THE ECUMENICAL INCLINATION NEED NOT BE CONCRETE IN TERMS OF THEOLOGY. IT CAN BE MORE ABOUT LIFESTYLE. MEANING THE INCLINATION TOWARD ECUMENICISM CAN END UP GLOSSING OVER THE COMPLICATIONS IN FAVOR OF HOMOGENIZED IDEAS. LIKE HOW SO MANY PEOPLE USE THE TENETS OF BUDDHISM TO APPROPRIATE SENSE OF BALANCE AND INNER PEACE IN OUR CRAZED WESTERN CULTURE. THE PROBLEM IS THE CENTRAL IDEAL OF BUDDHISM ACTUALLY FAIRLY DARK. IT ABOUT THE ABANDONING SUFFERING, WHICH ESSENTIALLY MEANS TURNING YOUR BACK ON THE WORLD AND NOT BEING INVESTED IN ANYTHING. SO YEAH… NOT EXACTLY A COMMUNAL SOLUTION, BUT MORE IMPORTANT IT NOT REALLY BHUDDISM. THE PROBLEM THAT YOU NOT APPROXIMATING YOUR RELIGION INTO THE WORLD, YOU APPROXIMATING THE WORLD’S REALITIES INTO YOUR RELIGION/LIFESTYLE. AND THAT SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY.
NOW OF COURSE THIS ALL BETTER THAN THE BLIND DOGMATISM THAT COMES WITH CERTAIN RELIGIOUS FERVOR. HULK WILL TAKE ECUMENICISM IN THE FACE OF EXTERNALIZED HATRED EVERY SINGLE TIME. AFTER ALL, “BEING RELIGIOUS IS THE HUMBLE BELIEF THAT ALL OTHER RELIGIONS ARE WRONG.” BUT EVEN ECUMENICISM STILL ABOUT TAKING WHAT YOU WANT AND APPROPRIATING INTO YOUR OWN VIEW. IN THE INHERENT BASTARDIZATION OF SOMETHING THAT, ON A PHILOSOPHICAL LEVEL, SUPPOSED TO BE THOUGHT OF AS COMPLET. (NOTE: HULK NOT THINK ANY RELIGION SHOULD BE VIEWED AS “COMPLETE” HULK JUST WANTED HIGHLIGHT THE PARADOX OF ECUMENICISM BEING MORE RELIGION-LIKE THAN ONE THINKS. INSTEAD OF RULES, FLEXIBILITY BECOMES THE RULE. ANYCRAP, THIS GETTING REFLEXIVE SO HULK SHOULD MOVE ON).
REALLY THE WHOLE THING ABOUT ECUMENICAL ACTUALLY BEING GOOD OR BAD = SEPARATE THEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT THAT WHOLLY DEPENDENT ON WHETHER OR NOT ONE RELIGIOUS. SO HULK NOT GOING GO DOWN THAT ROAD. HULK WOULD JUST ADDRESS ONE ASPECT OF IT: ONE COULD ARGUE WE LARGELY A CHRISTIAN CULTURE AND SO THAT JUST WHAT THEY USING TO EXPRESS THE IDEAS… FINE… BUT SOMETHING TELL HULK THAT NOT HOW WHAT DARLTON WANTED DO. HULK THINK THEY WANTED TO BE REPRESENTATIVE OF A SINGULAR MONO-RELIGION AND DID ODDLY PISS-POOR JOB AT IT. SUFFICE TO SAY THAT THIS DISPLAY OF ECUMENICISM NOT AN IDEAL REPRESENTATION OF PANTHEISM.
AND THE MOST RELEVANT POINT = THIS: LOST USUALLY SUPER GOOD ABOUT SHYING AWAY BEING ECUMENICAL. THESE GUYS SUPER-WELL-FUCKING READ AND KNOW THEIR THEOLOGY, SO THE SHOW RARELY TREATED IT AS MERE LIP SERVICE. THE SHOW PRESENTED VARIOUS RELIGIOUS CONCEPTS AND SIGNATURES TIME AND TIME AGAIN OVER THE SERIES, ALL HINTING THAT THAT THEY A PART OF AN INDEPENDENT CENTRAL ISLAND MONO-MYTH, A GREAT HUMAN CONCEPT BEYOND RELIGION ITSELF… BUT THE IDEAS NEVER AS CONCRETE AND TANGIBLE AS THEY WERE IN THE PURGATORY CHURCH. SURE, THEY HINTED, BUT EVEN WHEN RELIGIOUS, IT RARELY FELT RELIGIOUS. NO BIG AFTERLIFE. NO CHURCH GATHERINGS. USUALLY SOME NATURAL EVENT WOULD HAPPEN AND ONE CHARACTER WOULD SEE IT THROUGH THE LENS OF FAITH AND ANOTHER THROUGH THE LENS OF SCIENCE. THE CHARACTERS WOULD HAVE THEIR OWN IDEAS AND USE THEIR OWN ISLAND TOOLS, RELIGIOUS OR SCIENTIFIC, TO TRY AND DISCERN, BUT THE SHOW ITSELF HAD DISTINCTLY NEUTRAL TONE ON THE MATTER. EVEN THE INFAMOUS JACOB/MIB EPISODE HAD CONTEXT-LESS LIGHT/ENERGY DESCRIPTION; THE CONTEXT-LESS CORK; ALL OF IT PART OF THE SHOW’S OWN MONO-MYTH AND THEY WORK. ALL BECAUSE THEY PLAYED INTO BASIC STORY THEMATICS.
WHICH JUST MAKES THE CHURCH SCENE FINALE PRETTY FUCKING WEIRD. IT DISTURBINGLY ECUMENICAL. THE CHURCH. THE PEWS. CHRISTIAN SHEPARD. AND EVEN ALL THE OTHER RELIGIOUS SYMBOLS ETCHED INTO A STAIN GLASSED WINDOW AND THERE FEW THINGS MORE CHRISTIAN THAN A STAIN GLASSED WINDOW. NO TELL HULK THE PRODUCTION DESIGN OF ALL THIS NO MATTER. IT MATTER MORE THAN ANYTHING. AND IT MAKE THE SPIRITUAL INCLUSIVENESS FEEL LIKE LIP SERVICE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SHOW’S HISTORY. IT ABSOLUTELY OVERT. IN THE SHOW’S FINAL MOMENTS, IT TOOK A SHOW THAT ALWAYS FLIRTED WITH THE CONCEPTS OF RELIGION, APPROPRIATED THEM INTO SOMETHING BIGGER, AND THEN JUST TOOK EVERYTHING IN A DEEPLY RELIGIOUS AND ODDLY CHRISTIAN TURN.
AND IT’S AN EVEN BIGGER PROBLEM WHEN THEY IMPLIED THE FOLLOWING:
IDIOT
PROBLEM #10 – THE BIG ONE – THE MAN OF SCIENCE IS A FOOL
THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF LOST JUST FOR THE MAN OF FAITH.
AND HULK CANNOT RECONCILE THAT. HULK HAS TRIED FOREVER TO TRY AND MAKE THE FINALE WORK IN HULK’S BRAIN, TO WRESTLE STUFF OUT OF THAT LAST SCENE AND APPROXIMATE SOMETHING THAT RESONATES. SOMETIMES IT FEEL LIKE HULK COME CLOSE. LOOKING AT THE HISTORY OF THE SHOW AND PARTICULARLY SOME INFO IN THE LAST SEASON, IT REVEAL SOME BITS OF HOPE. HULK WILL SOON LINK TO MMORSE’S GREAT BIT ABOUT MINKOWSKI SPACE (WHICH OBVIOUSLY RELEVANT BECAUSE THE MINKOWSKI CHARACTER APPEAR REGULARLY). BUT THE THEORY ESSENTIALLY WORK LIKE THIS: THE WHITE BALL OF LIGHT AT CENTER OF ISLAND, FOR ITS MANY PURPOSES AND REPRESENTATIONS, ALSO A BIG BALL OF MINKOWSKI SPACE THAT ABSORB THE LOSTIES IN DEATH AND CREATE THIS PURGATORY WE NOW SEE. THIS RELEVANT BECAUSE MINKOWSKI SPACE APPROXIMATES SPACE TIME AND MEASURES IT WITH ONE TIME-LIKE DIMENSION (MEANING TIME CONVERGES, “THERE IS NO ‘NOW’ NOW”). AND THAT THE FINALE’S SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION. IT ALMOST ADEQUATE. BUT REALLY, WATCHING THAT SCENE IN THE CHURCH, WATCHING THAT ENTIRE PURGATORY STORYLINE IN LAST SEASON… IT NOT PRESENT IN THE SAME WAY SCIENCE OR NEUTRALITY OFTEN PRESENT IN THE SHOW. IT SHOWN IN COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY.
TO ILLUSTRATE WHY THIS A PROBLEM, HULK GOING TO COMPARE IT TO ANOTHER SHOW THAT CREATED A THEORETICALLY VERSION OF THE AFTERLIFE: SIX FEET UNDER DID A BRIEF EXPLORATION OF “HEAVEN” THAT ALSO EXPLORED THE SCIENTIFIC CONCEPTS OF DEATH, PARALLEL LIVES, REALITY, AND EVEN MINKOWSKI SPACE. AND QUITE FRANKLY, THEY DID IT IN FAR MORE INTERESTING WAY. NOT THAT HULK SAYING LOST SHOULD HAVE APED 6 FEET OR ANYTHING, THE TONES OF THE TWO SHOWS QUITE DIFFERENT, BUT THERE SEVERAL LESSONS LOST SHOULD HAVE ABSORBED. FOR ONE, IT SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A LARGER CUE ON THE “NO TELL” POLICY. HULK REFERENCED THE “THE LECTURE” ABOVE AND IT SO SURPRISING TO HULK THEY NO PUSHED IT FURTHER. LOST CERTAINLY A WEIRD AND COMPLEX ENOUGH SHOW TO GET AWAY WITH LOT MORE INTERESTING THINGS: VISUALS. TRANSITIONS. CINEMATICS. METAPHOR. SO WHY CONVEY THEIR POINT WITH AN INSANELY LINEAR PATH ABOUT THE VAGUERY OF DEATH EXPLAINED TO US VERBATIM? SIX FEET UNDER SIMPLY EXPOSED THE CHARACTERS TO THE CINEMATIC REALITY OF MINKOWSKI SPACE, WHOSE STRANGE, ABSTRACT ASPECTS WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE FOR LOST (MINUS THE “QUIRK” OF COURSE) . SO WHY NO GO THERE? THE SHOW EASILY EARNED THE RIGHT TO GO OUTRIGHT CEREBRAL. IT CONSTANTLY FAVORED METAPHOR. BUT IN THE END, IT INSTEAD OPTED TO KEEP THINGS ODDLY LOGISTIC. SADLY, THIS CHOICE TO BE OVERTLY STRAIGHT-FORWARD ONLY HIGHLIGHTED THE WAYS IN WHICH IT NOT LOGISTIC AT ALL.
EVEN WORSE IT LECTURED SOMETHING HULK FIND TO BE VERY OBJECTIONABLE WITHIN CONTEXT OF SHOW. THEY BASICALLY IMPLIED: THERE SOME THINGS SCIENCE CAN NO FIGURE OUT SO ULTIMATELY YOU HAVE TO GO ON FAITH. IT THE ONLY TRUE PATH TO “MOVING ON.”
WHY WOULD LOST EVER SAY THAT?
SURE, CHARACTERS ARGUED THAT VERY PERSPECTIVE BEFORE IN THE SHOW. BUT THEY JUST THAT. A PERSPECTIVE. ONE SIDE OF THE COIN. THE BLACK AND WHITE. JUST PART OF THE DUALITY LOST FOUND SO INTERESTING. EVEN WITH JACK’S STORYLINE AND HIS REALIZATION THAT LOCKE WAS “RIGHT,” THAT OBVIOUSLY TALKING MORE ABOUT FAITH IN SELF AND INSTINCT. THE FAITH TO HELP AND HAVE ACCEPTANCE. IT A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT KIND OF FAITH. BUT IN THE FINAL MOMENTS OF LOST, THE TRADITIONAL VERSION BLIND FAITH BECAME THE SHOW’S OUTRIGHT PERSPECTIVE. IT CEASED NEUTRALITY. MAYBE THEY MEANT ONLY TO SPEAK TO THE NATURE OF DEATH (WHICH HULK COULD ARGUE NOT EXACTLY TRUE (9)), BUT IT SPEAK TO SOMETHING HULK FIND VERY UNSETTLING…
GOING BACK TO LOOK OVER THE SHOW, THERE WHOLE BUNCH OF REOCCURRING PLOTS THAT FEATURE SCIENTISTS MISUSING THE “UNIQUE PROPERTIES” OF THE ISLAND, WHICH BASICALLY WE FIND OUT = THE CENTRAL WHITE LIGHT. AT FIRST, HULK JUST THOUGHT IT OVERT WARNING ABOUT REAPING THE LIGHT OF EARTH/RESOURCES, OR THE APPLICATION OF SCIENCE TO HORRIFIC MEANS MEANS (H BOMBS AND SUCH). WHICH, YOU KNOW, TOTALLY REASONABLE THING TO SAY AND HULK ON BOARD. BUT THE REALIZATION OF THE FINALE IMPLY IT MORE TROUBLING THAN THAT. THE LIGHT NOT JUST THE “ENGINE OF THE WORLD,” THE LIGHT = “MINKOWSKI SPACE/HEAVEN.” SO WOULD THIS NOT BE SAYING THAT SCIENCE INTENTIONALLY CANNOT GRASP THE NATURE OF CREATION? OR THE CREATIVE INSTINCT? OR THE AFTERLIFE? THAT IT CAN ONLY MANIPULATE AND RUIN IT? WHETHER INTENTIONAL OR NOT, IT IMPLY THAT SCIENCE INHERENTLY CORRUPTS. THAT IT DESTROYS THE AFTERLIFE AND TO KILL IT WOULD BE TO EXTINGUISH THE VERY MEANING OF LIFE.
IT IMPLIES SCIENCE ROBS US OF HEAVEN.
AND HULK THOUGHT THE WHOLE TIME LOST BEEN ARGUING THAT SCIENCE AND RELIGION THE SAME DAMN THING. BUT THROUGH THE LENS OF THE FINALE, IT REALLY NOT IMPLYING THAT WHATSOEVER. EVEN GOING BACK TO THE PARALLEL TIME-LINE HAWKING IDEA CREATED IN “LA…X”, IF IT JUST A RED HERRING AND THE PURSUIT OF SCIENCE JUST SOMETHING THAT CORRUPT HEAVEN, THEN THEY UNINTENTIONALLY DISCOUNTING THE WORK AND MESSAGE OF ONE STEPHEN HAWKING, A MAN THEY CLEARLY LAUD (REALLY, THEY USE THE IDEAS, BUT THEY ULTIMATELY SAYING IT NOT TRUE).
MAYBE NONE OF THIS INTENTIONAL. IN THAT CASE IT STRIKE HULK AS A MASSIVELY MISGUIDED USE OF METAPHOR. THEY MEANT ONE THING, AND WHOLLY IMPLIED ANOTHER.
NOW BEFORE JUMP ON HULK OVER SOMETHING OBVIOUS, OF COURSE THERE THINGS SCIENCE NOT FIGURE OUT YET. BUT HULK ARGUE THAT EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE SCIENCE. TO TRY AND FIGURE IT OUT. TO STRIVE AND COME TO GRIPS WITH THE WORLD AROUND US. TO UNDERSTAND. SCIENCE JUST A LOGICAL PROGRESSION. BECAUSE SCIENCE NO ACCEPT BLIND FAITH, IT TRY TO FIGURE OUT THE WORLD NOT FLAT, OR PUT A MAN IN SPACE, OR APPROXIMATE HOW SPACE TIME WORKS. HULK NOT MEAN TO KEEP BRINGING UP THESE “OLD ADAGE” THINGYS, BUT THERE THIS GREAT EXAMPLE OF THIS DILEMMA CONCERNING SUNSETS. A SUNSET = A TRULY GORGEOUS THING, SO A HUMAN BEING LOOKS AT IT AND CAN NO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMETHING CREATED BY “NOTHING” COULD BE SO DAMN BEAUTIFUL, THUS THE CONCLUSION = “GOD MUST HAVE DONE IT.” WELL, INSTEAD SCIENCE ASKS WHAT IF IT MORE THAN THAT? SCIENCE INQUIRES ABOUT ATMOSPHERIC DENSITIES AND THE REFRACTIVE NATURE OF LIGHT. IT STRIVES TO TRACE THE ORIGIN AND INTERPRET THE HAPPY ACCIDENTS OF NATURE WE SEE AS BEAUTY. BEAUTY CAN BE HOW SCIENTIFICALLY WE UNDERSTAND THAT. AND OF COURSE THERE WILL BE ANOTHER QUESTION THAT COMES FROM THAT, AND ANOTHER, AND ANOTHER. OF COURSE WE CAN’T ANSWER THEM ALL IN A SINGLE LIFETIME.
BUT GUESS WHAT LOST? THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE JUST ACCEPT AND STOP TRYING. SCIENCE ABOUT THE NEXT STEP. THE NEXT LEVEL OF UNDERSTANDING. IT THE JOURNEY OF TIME.
WHAT IT ULTIMATELY COMES DOWN TO THAT THERE THIS IDEA THAT WE NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENS IN DEATH. BUT BELIEVE IT OR NOT, SCIENCE IS PART OF THESE THINGS. SCIENCE, IN ITS PURSUIT OF TRUTH ON EVIDENCE, WANTS TO TELL US EXACTLY WHAT LIFE AND DEATH IS WHETHER IT COMFORTING OR NOT. BUT SO OFTEN IN TV SHOWS, SCIENCE IN THIS CAPACITY = THE PURSUIT OF CHEATING DEATH. IT SEEN AS A PATHOLOGICAL, OFTEN VIOLENT OBSESSION, A LONE SCIENTIST HELL-BENT ON STAVING OF DEATH.
THIS WAS JACK. JACK WANTED TO “FIX EVERYONE” AND THAT WHAT APPARENTLY MADE HIM NOT AT PEACE. THIS CHARACTERIZATION DEEPLY MISGUIDED. JACK’S LACK OF PEACE COME FROM OTHER ISSUES. HIS WANTING TO FIX EVERYONE JUST WHAT MADE HIM A GREAT PERSON. A TRUE LEADER (REMEMBER THAT THE “SPIRITUAL” LOCKE BASICALLY KILLED BOONE IN THE PURSUIT OF HIS PIOUS JOURNEY). JACK SHOULD ALWAYS STRIVE TO FIX EVERYONE. AND PART OF THAT = THE NATURAL INCLINATION TO WANT TO TO UNDERSTAND. KNOWING LIMITS IS ONE THING. BUT DISCOUNTING THE THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE ANOTHER. AND IN THAT FINALE, HULK WANTED TO UNDERSTAND. NO, IT NOT CRIPPLE HULK BECAUSE HULK DIDN’T GET “THE ANSWERS.” NO IT NOT BECAUSE HULK FEAR DEATH AND SO HULK JUST REACTING FROM THAT. HULK THINK THAT LOST’S APPROACH LIKE THE LAZINESS OF THE SUNSET, IT SAYING ONE CANNOT KNOW SO DON’T BOTHER…
IT IMPORTANT REMEMBER HULK NOT IMPLYING THAT SOMETHING HAVE LINE UP WITH HULK’S PERSONAL SENSIBILITIES IN ORDER FOR HULK TO LIKE. TO CITE THE TIME HONORED WISDOM OF ART: IT NOT “WHAT IT ABOUT” IT “HOW IT ABOUT.” THIS PRACTICALLY A REQUIREMENT OF WATCHING ANY MOVIE. HULK CAN LOVE DIRTY HARRY AND IT BASICALLY ADVOCATING POLICE FASCISM. WHY? BECAUSE IT SELF-AWARE. IT HAVE GREAT EDITING. IT COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. MEANWHILE, MICHAEL MOORE CAN MAKE FILMS THAT TAP INTO THE SAME “WHAT” HULK USUALLY BELIEVE POLITICALLY-SPEAKING, BUT THE “HOW” HE MAKE THOSE MOVIES VIOLATE SO MANY CORE RULES OF DOCUMENTARY FILM-MAKING THAT HULK CANNOT ABIDE THEM. HULK COULD WATCH A MOVIE ABOUT FAITH AND AFTERLIFE WITH BIG BOLD RELIGIOUS IDEAS AND STILL TOTALLY LOVE IT. GUESS WHAT? HULK LOVED THE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA FINALE AND THAT WAY, WAY, WAY MORE RELIGIOUS THAN LOST. BUT THAT SHOW HANDLED ITS RESOLUTION IN A MUCH MORE COMPELLING FASHION AND TOTALLY MADE SENSE WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF THE SHOW. IT NOT THE WHAT IT ABOUT. IT HOW IT ABOUT.
AND LOST WAS ALWAYS SO CAREFUL AND CONSIDERATE WITH THE HOW, WASN’T IT?
AND THEN SUDDENLY, THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF THE FINALE WWER SOMETHING ELSE. IT WAS SENTIMENTAL. IT WAS BAD STORYTELLING. IT WAS A-DRAMATIC. IT WAS COMPLETELY DISHONEST TO TWO CHARACTERS. IT WAS FULL OF CONFUSED LOGIC. IT WAS CONVENIENT. IT WAS REPETITIVE. IT WAS LECTURING. IT WAS ECUMENICAL. IT WAS ULTIMATELY EXCLUSIVE.
IT WAS NOT LOST.
AND THAT’S A DEAL-BREAKER LADIES.
PART 3 – THE AFTERMATH OF “THE PROBLEMS”
DESPITE ALL THIS, HULK NO THINK LOST “FUCKED IT UP” OR “SHIT THE BED.” THEY DID SOMETHING UNCHARACTERISTIC AND MISGUIDED. THAT IT. AND WHAT LEAD TO THAT CONCLUSION WERE SIMPLY THAT THE TEN PROBLEMS LISTED ABOVE NOT CRITICAL IN AND OF THEMSELVES, BUT WHEN BANDED TOGETHER IT CREATE A BIGGER PICTURE OF SOMETHING BEING “OFF”. EVEN IF THIS ALL NOT SEEM SO BAD, NO TELL HULK THAT IT MEAN HULK’S CONCERNS TRIVIAL. YOU MAY THINK HULK JUST HAVE A SAD CASE OF THE WHAT-HAVE-YOU-DONE-FOR-ME-LATELY’S? BUT THE LAST 15 MINUTES = THE FINAL IMAGE OF THE SERIES. THE LASTING IMPRESSION. AND IT IMPORTANT. THE ENDING IS THE CONCEIT.
BUT HULK NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTER HERE. THE PUBLIC OPINION CRUCIAL AND IT DIVERGED WILDLY. SOME LOVED THE CHANCE TO SEE THEIR CHARACTERS TOGETHER AND AS HAPPY AS THEY WANTED TO FEEL. SOME JUST FELT LIKE IT WAS A DUMB REVEAL. SOME GOT MICRO-ANALYTIC. A LOT OF PEOPLE SHRUGGED.
PREDICTABLY, THERE WERE A GOOD PORTION OF PEOPLE PISSED ABOUT THE LACK OF ANSWERS AND DEMANDED MORE. THE VIDEO PRETTY HILARIOUS, BUT THE MORE HILARIOUS THING THAT MOST OF THOSE QUESTIONS YOU COULD ANSWER WITH BASIC SYMBOLISM OR EVEN MINOR UNDERSTANDING OF THE SHOW’S THEMATIC ISSUES. HULK MEAN, HOW DID THEY EVEN WATCH THIS SHOW WITHOUT DOING THAT?(10) BESIDES, TURNS OUT THE SHOW HAD PRE-FILMED AND THE SUBSEQUENTLY RELEASED THE EPILOGUE. IT WAS MET WITH A LARGE THUD. TURNS OUT ALL THE ANSWERS NOT WHAT PEOPLE WANTED. WHY? BECAUSE THE WAY THEY GOT THOSE ANSWERS JUST = “THE LECTURE” TIMES TEN. IT ANTI-CLIMACTIC. IT IMPOSSIBLY BORING. THERE ABSOLUTELY NO DRAMA OR CATHARSIS OR STORY OR ANYTHING. IT JUST A PERSON JUST TELLING YOU ANSWERS. THIS TRULY FELT THE MONKEY ANECDOTE. AND HULK ARGUE THIS WHAT HAPPEN WHEN PEOPLE THINK THEY WANT ANSWERS AND NOT WILLING TO PURSUE THE MORE SUBTLE OR THEMATIC “ANSWERS.”
MEANWHILE, THE CRITICAL OPINIONS OF THE FINALE (AS IN FROM ACTUAL CRITICS) SEEMED EQUALLY SPLIT. DEVIN FARACI CALLED IT LOST‘S “BIG GNOSTIC WET FART ENDING.” PERHAPS THAT BIT HARSH, BUT HIS APPRAISAL FILLED WITH IMPOSSIBLY GOOD INSIGHTS ABOUT GNOSTICISM/ ZOROASTRIANISM AND THE LAZINESS WITH WHICH IT USED THOSE CONCEPTS. IT REALLY A GREAT READ, EVEN THOUGH HULK DISAGREE SLIGHTLY ABOUT ITS DEVALUING OF CERTAIN ON-ISLAND PLOT LINES. HULK MORE HOLDS THE FAILURES OF THE ENDING REVEAL TO BE IMPLICATE OF THE PURGATORY PLOT LINE (THOUGH OBVIOUSLY, NOT SOLELY).
THE FIRST THING YOU MAY NOTICE THAT EVERYTHING IN THIS COLUMN FANTASTIC. IT STALWART. DEEPLY INTELLECTUAL. GENUINE. HIS ACCOUNT OF THE PURGATORY AND RE-TRIALS OF LIFE. THE REFLECTIONS. THE CAPACITY FOR EXAMINATION. ALL WONDERFUL. AND HIS ACCOUNT OF MINOWSKI SPACE AND IT’S IMPACT ON THE FINALE = REALLY WELL-THOUGHT OUT AND COMPLETE. HULK OBVIOUSLY HAVE DIFFERENT TAKE ON WHETHER THE SHOW ABANDONED SCIENCE IN NAME OF RELIGION, BUT THAT NOT BECAUSE EITHER OR US NECESSARILY MISSED ANYTHING. IT AN INTERPRETATION OF THE ONE. IF HULK FORCED TO DISAGREE, HULK WOULD SIMPLY ARGUE THAT THE APPRAISAL TOO WILLING TO MAKE CONNECTIONS SEEM SOLID WHEN THEY MORE TENUOUS TO HULK. FOR EXAMPLE, MINKOWSKI SPACE, AS INTERESTING AS IT IS, COMES OFF AS SCIENTIFIC PATCHWORK CURE-ALL TO EXPLAIN LOST’S “HEAVEN.” IN PRACTICAL REALITY MINKOWSKI SPACE MORE OF A WORK AROUND FOR CATEGORIZING TIME SINGULARITY IN MATHEMATICAL TERMS. MEANING IT ABOUT MAKING THE MATH WORK RATHER THAN BEING CREATED AS A CONCEPT FOR US FIGURING OUT HOW TIME WORKS. THIS MAY SEEM LIKE WEIRD OBSERVATION GIVEN THAT HULK PREVIOUSLY ARGUED THAT THE LOST SCIENCE CAN BE PSEUDO SCIENCE AND THAT TOTALLY COOL, BUT HULK ARGUING THE PROVERBIAL “STAGE” OF THE LAST 15 MINUTES REQUIRE THAT THIS SCIENTIFIC THEORY BE A BIT MORE COMPLETE AND INTEGRAL. FOR EXAMPLE, THINK OF HOW MUCH CARE, TIME, AND ATTENTION WENT INTO THE ESTABLISHING THE CONCEIT OF THE NARRATIVE FEINT: TO JUSTIFY STEPHEN HAWKING’S IDEA THAT TWO CONCURRENT TIMELINES COULD ORIGINATE FROM A SINGLE POINT OF HISTORICAL INFLUENCE. THEY KNEW THEY HAD TO JUSTIFY IT OR ELSE THE AUDIENCE WOULD HAVE ABANDONED. AND THUS, THE CONCEPT HAMMERED INTO OUR HEADS. SO WHY DID MINKOWSKI SPACE NOT GET THAT TREATMENT? SERIOUSLY, HULK THINK THAT THE CONCEPT ONLY REGISTERED WITH, LIKE, 3% OF VIEWERS, IF THAT. BUT NO WORRY IT ONLY THE END OF THE SHOW! IT HAD TO BE BECAUSE THEY WANTED IT TO BE A REVEAL.
BUT BEYOND THE AUDIENCE-INDUCED-LOGIC, HULK’S MAIN ARGUMENT ABOUT THE LAST 15 MINUTES LARGELY A MATTER OF TONE. HULK ARGUE MMORSE BRILLIANTLY SUMS UP THE WHAT OF LOST, BUT HULK ARGUE THERE SOMETHING DIFFERENT GOING ON WITH THE HOW.(11) EVEN IF ALTERNATIVE INTERPRETATIONS CAN BE FOUND FOR THE LAST 15 MINUTES, THEY NOT WHAT YOU EXPERIENCING IN THAT MOMENT.
HISTORICALLY SPEAKING, LOST WOULD ALWAYS PRESENT EVIDENCE WITH CRYPTIC, BOLD IMAGERY THAT ALWAYS LEFT IT UP TO YOU. AND IN THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT OF THE SHOW, THE WRITERS SHOVED YOU IN A SINGULAR DIRECTION. EVERYTHING ELSE BECAME LITERAL WINDOW-DRESSING. WE GOT AN AN UBER-STRAIGHTFORWARD, OUTRIGHT EXPLAINED-TO-YOU, HYPER-CHRISTIAN MOMENT. MAYBE THE SHOVE NOT INTENTIONAL, BUT IT WAS CERTAINLY A SHOVE. HULK GUARANTEE THAT THE WHOLE ROOM HULK IN WHILE WATCHING FELT IT. THE INESCAPABLE TRUTH THAT A MAN NAMED CHRISTIAN SHEPARD GUIDING PEOPLE FROM A BARELY-EUCIMENICIZED CHURCH INTO THE LIGHT OF WHAT CAN REALLY ONLY BE CALLED “HEAVEN”. AND WHEN THEN SCIENTIFICALLY INCLINED MIND CHIRPS UP, THEY TOLD NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT, FOR IT SOMETHING THEY CAN’T POSSIBLY KNOW. THAT = A SHOVE.
YOU MAY SAY: “HULK, WHY DOES THAT BOTHER YOU SO MUCH?” DIDN’T HULK MENTION THAT HULK ALWAYS LIKED THE WAY THE SHOW BECAUSE IT NO TRY AND ANSWER EVERYTHING? THAT THINGS SHOULD BE AMBIGUOUS? SO WHY YOU GETTING SO PISSED THAT THE SHOW ESSENTIALLY CONVEYING THAT SAME MESSAGE?”
AGAIN. IT NOT THE WHAT IT THE HOW. HULK THINK IT CONVEYED THAT MESSAGE WITH ZERO COMPLEXITY OR DRAMA. AND HULK THINK IT DID IT IN AN ALMOST JUVENILE SORT OF INDIGNATION AND ALL SORTS OF NARRATIVE/THEMATIC HOLES.
IT NOT LIKE HULK SAYING ALL THIS OUT OF SOME EMOTIONAL REACTION, HULK LITERALLY BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS QUESTION/PROBLEM/DILEMMA FOR WELL OVER A YEAR.
THE FOLLOWING SORT OF LAME CONJECTURE, BUT HULK FEEL IT RELEVANT:
HULK WANT KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THE WRITERS NO GO IN THE PURGATORY DIRECTION… IF THE “ALTERNA-WORLD” STILL JUST ANOTHER TIMELINE SET OFF BY THE H-BOMB. HULK ARGUE IT STILL WOULD HAVE CONVEYED EVERYTHING WITHOUT THE OVERT PROBLEMS AND IT COULD HAVE DONE SO BEAUTIFULLY: A LIFE ON ANOTHER EARTH. A SECOND CHANCE. IF THE ISLAND A METAPHORICAL PURGATORY, THEN THE SECOND ALTERNATIVE TIMELINE COULD BE A METAPHORICAL AFTERLIFE. A CHANCE FOR THE LOSTIES TO GET THAT HAPPINESS AND CONTENTMENT. HECK, YOU CAN EVEN HAVE THEM REALIZED THEY DIED IN THE OTHER TIMELINE, HAVE THAT REALIZATION CONNECT THE ON-ISLAND PLOT LINE AND ALLOW THE LOSTIES TO SAVE THE LIGHT OF THE ISLAND, WHICH IN TURN COULD BE ACCREDITED TO CREATING THE MULTIPLE TIMELINES TO BEGIN WITH, WHICH IN TURN GIVES THE WHOLE FATALISTIC DESIRE TO DETONATE THE H-BOMB A FUCKING POINT, AND IN TURN ALLOW FOR THE CHARACTERS IN THE ALTERNATIVE WORLD TO GRASP ALL THIS AND GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO METAPHORICALLY “MOVE ON.” NOT IN LITERAL CREEPY RELIGIOUS SENSE, BUT MOVE FORWARD WITH THEIR LIVES IN PEACE AND TRUE HAPPINESS IN THE WAY THAT THE MISTAKES OF THE “PAST” LIFE DIDN’T ALLOW THEM TO. WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN SENTIMENTAL MAYBE TOO? SURE. BUT IT WOULD HAVE FELT LIKE LOST. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY IT WOULD STILL CONVEY ALL THE SAME RELIGIOUS OVERTONES, LIKE HINDUISM MULTIPLE CHANCES OF GETTING RIGHT BEFORE MOVING TO ASCENDANCE. IT COULD USE THE NON-INVASIVE LOSTIAN TRICK OF INCORPORATING ALL THOSE RELIGIOUS IDEAS INTO THE PRODUCTION DESIGN. BUT IT WOULDN’T HAVE CENTERED AROUND A ECUMENICAL HEAVEN. IT WOULD HAVE CENTERED AROUND THE CHARACTERS.
HULK KNOW GETTING INTO THE “WHAT THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE” GAME = LAME CONJECTURE. AT WORST, IT A FAN WRITING SOMETHING HE WISHED HAD HAPPENED. HULK KNOW THIS, BUT HULK JUST TRYING SHOW HOW IT POSSIBLE TO ASSIMILATE THE SAME THEMES INTO A NARRATIVE DECISION THAT LESS OVERT AND EXCLUSIVE.
SO HULK ASK AGAIN, WHY COULD THIS NOT HAPPEN?
LOST COULD ALWAYS DO IT BEFORE. IT COULD BE TRANSCENDENT. IT COULD PLEASE THE MAN OF SCIENCE AND THE MAN OF FAITH. SO WHY NOT NOW? WHY SAY THE MAN OF SCIENCE IS LIMITED IN THE FINAL MOMENTS? WAS THAT THE INTENTION THE WHOLE TIME? HULK NOT THINK SO, BUT TRUTH THAT HULK NOT REALLY KNOW.
HULK JUST KNOW THESE TEN CENTRAL PROBLEMS OF THE LAST 15 MINUTES INADVERTENTLY CORRUPT A STORY THAT 99.9% GENIUS. THE WRITERS WANTED TO LEAVE A BIG BOLD OPEN ENDED ANSWER BUT THEY DID IT IN THE WRONG WAY. IT NOT OPEN ENDED. IT A LAUNDRY LIST OF CONTRADICTIONS. AND UNLIKE BEFORE, IT NOT LIKE HULK FEEL LANY ONE OF THEM COULD BE TRUE (THE “ALL ANSWERS IN SUBSET B” THING). INSTEAD HULK FEEL LIKE NONE OF THEM COULD BE TRUE.
AND AT CORE, THE PROBLEMS REALLY ALL THE SAME.
ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL, IT NEVER FELT LIKE LOST.
PART 4 – WHAT THIS MEAN FOR HULK, GOING FORWARD
THE DOLL-POINTING JOKE THAT HULK USED IN TITLE OF ARTICLE ONE THAT OFTEN USED BECAUSE IT ANALOGOUS TO FEELING “VIOLATED.” THIS A CRASS, HORRIBLE WAY OF PUTTING IT AND HULK NOT TRYING BE CRASS. BUT THE REASON PEOPLE USE THE TERM “VIOLATED” FAIRLY OBVIOUS: ALL THESE UPDATES, REBOOTS, REMAKES AND SHITTY PREQUELS PISS PEOPLE OFF BECAUSE THEY NO ABLE LOOK AT THE PROPERTIES THE SAME WAY.
ON ONE LEVEL, OF COURSE THIS INSIPID. PEOPLE INTERNALIZE THEIR LOVE OF PROPERTIES. THEY NO DIGEST AND PROCESS THEM. JUST SIMPLY ABSORB EVERYTHING IN EMOTIONAL AND VISCERAL TERMS. AS A RESULT, THEY OFTEN TAKE THE REPULSION TOO FAR, AND YES HULK SPECIFICALLY REFERENCING THE POPULAR “GEORGE LUCAS RAPED MY CHILDHOOD” VIEWPOINT. THE SENTIMENT RIDICULOUS, INSOLENT, GUARDED, ADOLESCENT BULLSHIT. ONE THAT COMPLETELY LACK PERSPECTIVE. WHY? BECAUSE GOING THAT FAR IMPLY THE ORIGINAL STAR WARS FILMS DON’T STILL EXIST OR HAVE INHERENT VALUE. AND BOY CAN THE ORIGINALS STILL BE ENJOYED. BETTY HADN’T SEEN THEM SINCE SHE WAS A KID SO SHE AND HULK WATCHED A FEW YEARS AGO. IT WAS PURE JOY. EVER SIT A LITTLE KID DOWN IN FRONT OF THEM? STILL WORK LIKE GANG BUSTERS.
BUT HERE THING… THE PUBLIC CONVERSATION CONCERNING STAR WARS VASTLY DIFFERENT NOW. THE ORIGINAL MOVIES ARE NOT TARNISHED, BUT THE PREQUELS HAVE UNDENIABLY AFFECTED THE BEHAVIOR OF THE CULTURE, HOW WE TALK ABOUT GEORGE LUCAS, AND EVEN MANY OF THE PLOT IMPLICATIONS OF THE ORIGINALS. AND HONESTLY, THAT CULTURAL CONVERSATION MATTER. THE COMMUNITY OF FANDOM, FOR ALL IT’S PROBLEMS, STILL A WONDERFULLY BINDING THING. AND WHEN THE CULTURAL CONVERSATION SHIFT TOWARD DEVISIVENESS BECAUSE SOMETHING HAS DEEPLY WOUNDED THE OVERALL QUALITY OF SAID PROPERTY, THEN THAT MATTERS.
ENDINGS MATTER. YOU CAN NO DISMISS THE REALITY OF THE ENDING HAVING THE ABILITY TO “TARNISH” SOMETHING. THE WIRE FINALE UPHOLDS THE LEGACY OF IT BEING POSSIBLY THE BEST SHOW EVER. AND THAT HAPPENS DESPITE THE ENTIRE LAST SEASON BEING RIDDLED WITH TONE PROBLEMS. AS INTERESTING AS MCNULTY’S SERIAL KILLER FEINT OR TEMPLETON’S OVERT BOLD-FACED LYING MIGHT HAVE BEEN, NEITHER PLOT FELT LIKE THE WIRE. BUT IT DIDN’T MATTER, BECAUSE THE FINALE CORRECTED THAT AND GAVE THE SHOW THE MOST PERFECT SEND-OFF IMAGINABLE. THE SAME EXACT TONE-FIXING THING TRUE OF THE LAST SEASON OF BUFFY TOO. FINALES MATTER. THEM THE BREAKS. IT REALLY HOW YOU FINISH.
SO WHEN IT COMES TO LOST, EVERY SINGLE THING HULK SAID ABOUT THE SHOW IN PART 1 OF THIS PIECE, STILL ABSOLUTELY TRUE. THE SHOW ACCOMPLISH SO DAMN MUCH AND SHOULD BE LAUDED FOR YEARS TO COME.
BUT STILL, THE CULTURAL CONVERSATION HAS CHANGED.
AND THAT CONVERSATION ALWAYS SEEMS TO LAND ON THE FINALE. AFTER THE FIRST SEASON OF LOST, HULK WAS RUNNING AROUND EVERYWHERE TRYING TO GET PEOPLE TO WATCH THE FREAKING SHOW. IT WAS INCREDIBLE, RESONANT, FULL OF SO MUCH PROMISE. AS SEASONS WENT ON HULK BECAME MORE HESITANT, WAITING TO SEE IF THE SHOW COME THROUGH. MAYBE COMING THROUGH WAS IMPOSSIBLE. MAYBE THEY TRIED ACCOMPLISH THE MOST DIFFICULT TRICK EVER, BUT HULK HAD FAITH BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS PULLED IT OFF THAT TRANSCENDENCE BEFORE. AND THEN THE FINALE LET THE AIR OUT. THE CONVERSATION FIXATED ON THE BASIC APPROPRIATION: UNLIKE BATTLESTAR OR EVEN THE SOPRANOS, WHOSE CONVERSATIONS FOCUSED ON THE VARYING INTERPRETATIONS OF LARGELY SYMBOLIC MOTIFS, THE ENDING OF LOST SIMPLY CAME DOWN TO A MANNER OF “I WAS OKAY WITH IT” OR “I WASN’T OKAY WITH IT.” THE EFFECT HAS BEEN DISHEARTENING.
SO HULK HAVE THIS KICK-ASS T-SHIRT OF DESMOND AND DANIEL FARADAY STANDING BY THE B.T.T.F. DELOREAN.
THIS ONE
HULK LOVED THIS SHIRT.
AND NOW, HULK FEEL TINGE OF NOT LIKING WEAR IT.
HULK KNOW THAT KIND OF STUPID. BUT HULK NOT ANGRY, OR SMASHY, OR FEEL VIOLATED.
HULK JUST FEEL A LITTLE SAD.
THERE JUST SO FEW THINGS ON THIS EARTH THAT ONE CAN TRULY LOVE. YES, WE SHOULD BE RATIONAL AND BALANCED ABOUT IT, BUT IT SO NICE TO HAVE THINGS IN OUR LIVES THAT FOR LACK OF BETTER WORD, PURE.
BUT HULK SIMPLY HAVE TO ADMIT: THE FINALE HAS CHANGED HULK’S ABILITY TO PURELY LOVE LOST.
SO DARLTON, HULK KNOW IT WEIRD FOR HULK TO CRAZILY DISSECT THIS THING THAT MUST BE DEEPLY PERSONAL FOR YOU BOTH. JUST KNOW THAT HULK REALIZE THERE BIGGER PICTURE TO ALL OF THIS AND HULK HOPE YOU CONTINUE TO KEEP PUTTING GREAT STUFF INTO THE WORLD. HULK GREATLY LOOKING FORWARD TO PROMETHEUS FOR ONE. SERIOUSLY, RETURNING RIDLEY SCOTT TO SCI-FI = A TRUE HONOR. SO HULK LOOKING FORWARD TO THE FUTURE.
AS FOR THIS OPEN LETTER? IT NOT SUCH A BIG DEAL. IT JUST HULK TRYING TO EXPLAIN A FEELING. TO SUM UP AN EXPERIENCE ABOUT THIS SHOW YOU SHARED WITH US.
SEE YOU IN ANOTHER LIFE BROTHERS (METAPHORICALLY OF COURSE),
-HULK
P.S. – HULK INVITE ANY AND ALL TO DISAGREE. PLEASE. FIND ERRORS IN HULK’S LOGIC. CONTRADICT HULK. THE THING ABOUT ALL OF THIS IS THAT HULK SO DESPERATELY WANT LIKE THE FINALE. BUT HULK CAN NO RECONCILE WHAT THEY TRIED DO, EVEN YEAR AND HALF LATER.
BRING THE JACKFACE!
ENDNOTES:
(1) – EVERYONE USES THE DEVICE OF PUTTING “LOST” IN ALL CAPS, BUT THAT LOSES EFFECT WITH THE ALL-CAPS-HULK-TALK. SO HULK BOLDING IT EVERY TIME. SORRY IF ANNOYING.
(2) – AS MUCH CRAP AS THEY GOT FOR THEIR “LITERAL CORK” AND KEYSTONE, IT REALLY NO DIFFERENT THEN THE BIG MYTHIC SYMBOLIC STUFF THAT CENTER AROUND MOST FANTASY/SCI-FI. LOST WAS NEVER AFRAID TO USE AN OBJECT AS A BIG BROAD METAPHOR. THEY ALWAYS DID. EVEN IF YOU FOUND IT SILLY, IT STILL FELT LIKE THE SHOW.
(3) – AND YES, TO ACTUAL SCIENTISTS READING THIS, HULK KNOW THAT LOST = MOSTLY PSEUDO-SCIENCE. SOMETIMES EVEN JUNK SCIENCE. HULK ARGUE THIS OKAY BECAUSE THEIR INTEREST PURELY AT ARMCHAIR LEVEL AND WHAT MORE COULD EXPECT? IT HARD BE EXPERT AT LOTS THINGS. HULK WOULD NORMALLY ARGUE THAT FULL COMMITTING TO SCIENCE INVOLVED SHOULD BE STRIVE FOR, BUT HONESTLY THE SHOW MORE INTERESTED IN WHAT THOSE SCIENTIFIC EXPLOITS SAY ABOUT HUMAN BEINGS THAN WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT SCIENCE. SO THEY DECIDED MASSAGE SCIENCE INSTEAD OF OUTRIGHT VIOLATING IT. IT ABOUT A DIFFERENCE IN GOALS. AND THE GOAL OF LOST A PURE ONE… USUALLY… HULK WILL GET TO PROBLEMS WITH THE PURGATORY SCIENCE LATER.
(4) – FOR A MUCH MORE EXTREME EXAMPLE, IMAGINE IF A GAME OF THRONES ENDED WITH ALL THE DEAD CHARACTERS GETTING TOGETHER AND HUGGING. RIGHT. IT RIDICULOUS. YOU MAY ARGUE THAT EXTREME AND G.O.T. A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT KIND OF SHOW, BUT HULK ARGUE LOST = A VERY DIFFERENT KIND OF SHOW TOO. IN THE VEIL OF ALL THOSE MYSTERIES,AND GRIMNESS, WHERE OFTEN THE ONLY HOPE A LITERAL RAY OF LIGHT OR A MERE CHANCE AT SURVIVAL, WHATEVER MADE YOU THINK THAT SHOW WOULD END WITH A BIG HAPPY HUG IN HEAVEN? TO HULK, G.O.T. MAKES JUST AS MUCH SENTIMENTAL SENSE.
(5) – FOR EXAMPLE, HURLEY’S NUMBERS EPISODE. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE NUMBERS SUPPOSED TO MEAN BUT THE TONE OF THEM SO ROOTED IN PARANOIA, QUIRK, AND HURLEY’S FEARS THAT IF FEEL INTEGRAL. THEY THE SAME THING REALLY. MEANWHILE, THE “WAKING UP” MOMENTS IN PURGATORY NO INTEGRATE WITH TONE OR HIGHER PURPOSE UNTIL THE ACTUAL REVEAL IN LAST 15 MINUTES OF SHOW… ONE WONDERS WHY IT BECAME BORING OVER THE COURSE 6 EPISODES.
(6) – PEOPLE WRONGLY GIVE THE WRITERS OF SCI-FI/FANTASY A LOT OF CRAP ASSUMING THEY KNOW NOTHING OF WOMEN/RELATIONSHIPS AND LIVE IN THEIR MOMS BASEMENTS, BUT COME ON GUYS. TRUE LOVE NOT = HAVING A HOT HOOKUP OR JUST A GIRL TALKING TO YOU... YOU KNOW BETTER.
(7) – SORRY FOR THIS “RIPPING VAGINA” IMAGERY, BUT HULK CONSTANTLY SURPRISED BY AMOUNT OF PEOPLE WHO NOT KNOW ABOUT THE MEDICAL SPECIFICS OF BIRTH. YES. THERE OFTEN GREAT DEAL OF DAMAGE AND TEARING AND ALMOST EVERY BIRTH REQUIRES A LOT OF STITCHES… ALSO: GIRLS WITH LOWER BACK TATTOOS! THERE IS A PRETTY HIGH CHANCE YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET AN EPIDURAL. THE NEEDLE CAN NOT GO THROUGH SKIN ANYWHERE CLOSE TO A TATTOO (IT OFTEN HAS SPREAD INVISIBLE UNDER THE SKIN) BECAUSE IF ANY INK (EVEN DECADES OLD) GETS INTO YOUR SPINAL FLUID YOU COULD EXPERIENCE PARALYSIS OR DEATH. YOUR TATTOO ARTIST LIKELY NEVER INFORMED YOU. THIS SUCKS. HULK SORRY TO BE ONE TO TELL YOU. GET IT LOOKED INTO IF PLAN ON HAVING KIDS!
(8) – AND EVEN THOUGH LOCKE WAS “RIGHT” ABOUT THE ISLAND, HE WAS ULTIMATELY DUPED BY THE MIB IN REALLY CRAPPY FASHION. UGH. HEARTBREAKING. AND FOR A SHOW THAT ULTIMATELY TRIED TO ADVOCATE BLIND FAITH, IT SEEMS BLIND FAITH SERVED LOCKE SUPER SHITTILY.
(9) – OKAY HULK’LL DO THIS. BEWARE, HULK’S PERSONAL FEELINGS ABOUT DEATH/SPIRITUALITY WITHIN: HERE’S WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT DEATH. YOUR HEART STOPS PUMPING BLOOD. YOUR BRAIN STOPS WORKING. SCIENTIFICALLY SPEAKING WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE = YOU CEASE TO BE. IT NOT COMFORTING FOR SURE, BUT THAT WHAT HAPPENS ACCORDING TO SCIENCE. AND DESPITE A LOT OF CLAIMS, THERE NO REAL SCIENCE TO THE SOUL. BUT HERE THE THING, EVEN THOUGH IT HARSH, PEOPLE STILL HAVE TO SIMPLY BE AT PEACE WITH “THE END.” WHICH ODDLY WHAT LOST ALSO TRYING TO SAY, JUST WITH A MORE TRADITIONAL AND OVERT HEAVEN MODEL. WHETHER OR NOT BELIEVE IN IT, THE CONCEPT OF HEAVEN ABOUT BEING AT PEACE. SO HULK USE THE HEAVEN METAPHOR TO BE AT PEACE WITH LIFE AND LIKEWISE AT PEACE WITH DEATH. THUS HULK TURN TO THE SCIENTIFIC REALITY THAT IT JUST OVER. HULK NO HAVE TO GO INTO DEATH WITH WORRIES ABOUT THEOLOGICAL ARGUMENTS. HULK CAN JUST TRY AND BE GOOD AND HAPPY, HERE AND NOW. HULK CAN STRIVE FOR PEACE AT THIS MOMENT NOW. AT ALL MOMENTS… SOME ARGUE WITHOUT HEAVEN THERE NO GUIDE TO MORALITY, BUT EVEN SCIENCE ARGUE WE MUST BE GOOD SO WE CAN CO-EXIST ON THIS PLANET. SO THAT WE CAN MAKE GOOD ON THIS ONE CHANCE. IT’S “LIVE TOGETHER OR DIE ALONE” REMEMBER? LOST SAID THIS SO MANY TIMES AND TOOK IT TO HEART. HULK NO THIS MAY SOUND AWFULLY GRIM TO SOME, BUT HULK ARGUE IT STILL SPIRITUAL IN THE PUREST SENSE. HULK WILL PUT IT THIS WAY: PEOPLE WHO OFTEN FIND RELIGION OFTEN CITE A BEAUTIFUL “AWAKENING MOMENT” WHERE THEY OVERCOME BY COMFORT AND EMOTION THAT COMES WITH EMBRACING GOD. IT A KIND OF JOY THAT RESTS IN THE BONES… WELL, THE MOMENT HULK FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGE DTHAT HULK BEEN WRESTLING WITH LOGISTICAL CONCEPT OF AFTERLIFE FOR HULK’S ENTIRE LIFE AND ALL IT DID WAS MAKE HULK UNEASY, AND WHEN HULK DECIDED THAT HULK’S TRUE FEELINGS IN LINE WITH ATHIESM, IT AT THAT MOMENT HULK FELT TRULY HAPPY AND COMFORTABLE WITH LIFE/DEATH FOR FIRST TIME IN HULK’S LIFE. HULK FELT IT IN BONES. IT WAS HULK’S SPIRITUAL MOMENT. BUT THE KIND OF WONDERFUL THING ABOUT SCIENTIFIC ATHEISM, WHILE IT STILL ABSOLUTE AND NOT AGNOSTICISM, IT STILL NOT A BINDING BELIEF. IF GOD COULD ALL OF A SUDDEN BE SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN (AND INTELLIGENT DESIGNERS, NO, IT CAN’T YET). HULK WOULD SIGN UP. BUT BEING RELIGIOUS CAN OFTEN BE BINDING. SPIRITUALITY WORKS BEST IN NON-BINDING FLUX, JUST LIKE THE EVOLUTION OF SCIENTIFIC PROGRESSION.
(10) – THERE ONE WAY IN WHICH HULK UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE FASCINATE OVER ANSWERS. IT GO BACK TO HULK’S THEORY THAT LOTS OF VIEWERS JUST NOT PERCEPTIVE TO SUBTLETY. THE SUBTLE THINGS INSTEAD AFFECT THEM ON A VISCERAL LEVEL, SO THAT. THEY CAN FEEL “GOOD” OR FEEL “BAD” ABOUT WHAT HAPPENING. BUT WHEN COME TO SUPPORT AND ANSWER WHY THEY LIKE/NOT LIKE WHAT THEY SAW, THEY POINT TO THINGS THEY UNDERSTAND AND THAT OFTEN MANIFESTED IN TANGIBLE, OBVIOUS THINGS. HULK TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE. AND IN LOST‘S CASE THE INABILITY TO ARTICULATE SUBTLETY MANIFESTS ITSELF BY SAYING THE PROBLEMS OF THE SHOW BECAUSE THEY NOT “ANSWER” THINGS.
(11) – AND THE HOW EVEN IMPACTS THE WHAT… AND MAYBE THE OVERT NATURE OF THE “HOW” WITH THE ENDING, IMPLY ONE TERRIFYING THING… THE SHOW NOT REALLY BEING SYMBOLIC OR METAPHORICAL ANYMORE. IT BEING LITERAL.
RANDOM THING #1! BY THE WAY. IF THE WHISPERS THE PEOPLE LEFT ON ISLAND WHO CAN NO “MOVE ON” THAT EVERYONE WHO DIE ON THE ISLAND, ARE ALL OUR LOSTIES THE WHISPERS? LIKE WOULD JACK BE A WHISPER? BUT PRESUMABLY NOT THOSE WHO LEFT THE ISLAND? HULK NO GET.
