HULK FINISHING UP OTHER COLUMNS SO IN THE MEANTIME, HERE’S EXACTLY WHAT HULK JUST SAID, A LIST OF THINGS HULK THINKS ABOUT WHEN THERE IS NO POWER:
-WHAT EVERY SINGLE OTHER MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF DIRECTED BY STANLEY KUBRICK
-HOW JOHN HAMM DEALS WITH KNOWING THAT EVERY SINGLE PERSON TALKING TO HIM, MALE OR FEMALE, JUST IS THINKING ABOUT KISSING HIM AT THAT MOMENT.
-SPORTS!
-WHY NO ONE SEEMS TO TALK ABOUT THE FACT WOLVERINE SMELLS BAD
-BUT NOT AS BAD AS BEAST
-WHY IS EVERYONE ON X-BOX LIVE SO DAMN RACIST? AND WHEN WILL THE POWER COME BACK ON SO HULK CAN PLAY X-BOX AGAIN?
-IF HULK’S MASSIVE HATE OF BRETT RATNER STEMS FROM A CHILDHOOD INCIDENT INVOLVING RATNER TOUCHING HULK’S BATHING SUIT AREA.
-WHAT IT’S LIKE TO RIDE A ROLLERCOASTER. HULK TOO BIG FOR ROLLERCOASTERS. #HULKPEOPLEPROBLEMS
-HOW THE MOST RIDICULOUS CAPITAL-H-HYPOCRISY STEMS FROM ANYONE BEING ANTI-IMMIGRATION IF THEY’RE NOT, LIKE, NATIVE AMERICAN. BUT THIS GOES DOUBLE FOR ANYONE OF THE ANYONE OF LATE 1800-1900’S WAVE OF IRISH, JEWISH, ITALIAN, OR GERMAN.
-ROCKS
-WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THAT ONE GUY HULK KNEW FROM HIGH SCHOOL (WHO ISN’T ON FACEBOOK).
-HOW THE LAST DECADE WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF GEORGE LUCAS HAD SOMEONE AROUND HIM TELLING HIM “NO.”
-THE PARENTS OF THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE WHO SHOULD GET MEDALS FOR NAMING THEIR KIDS PERFECTLY: KIRBY PUCKETT, NAOMI WATTS, BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, HANK AZARIA, HONEYSUCKLE WEEKS, AND HERBIE HANCOCK (THAT HIS REAL NAME?).
-WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE BUGS?
-HOW FUCKING SMART STEVEN SODERBERGH IS.
-WHAT HULK WILL SAY IN THE EVENT OF A SURPRISE ARRIVAL THE PEARLY GATES (AFTER YEARS OF ATHEISM)
I was actually just reading the start of Warren Ellis’ run on Astonishing X-Men, and it’s the first time I’ve ever really considered that Wolverine must smell like roadkill most of the time. He’s like the ultra-hobo king. It had absolutely never occurred to me, but now I can’t unsee it.
That said, I still think Beast would smell like bubble bath and pencils.
Aaron Diaz of Dresden Codak is working on an alternate Star Wars prequel, using only pre-prequel information: http://dresdencodak.tumblr.com/post/9071548491/another-little-sneak-peak-of-my-star-wars-1999
(alas, only a comic, also can’t rewrite the past ten years’ history)