THE FOLLOWING A REAL CONVERSATION AMONG THE REAL-LIFE AVENGERS (THAT WOULD BE HULK, THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA, AND IRONMAN AKA TONY STARK) THAT TAKE PLACE OUTSIDE MOVIE THEATER AFTER A MIDNIGHT SCREENING OF “THOR.”
HULK: THANKS FOR GOING MOVIE GUYS! HULK KNOW IT LATE, BUT MIDNIGHT AUDIENCES ALWAYS THE BEST. SO WHAT YOU GUYS THINK? DID YOU LIKE IT?
TONY: Yeah, sure it was fine. [Tony looks over at a group of women watching our group. He smiles and turns back], Wait, why did we see it in 2D again?
HULK: COME ON STARK. YOU TECH GUY. IT POST-CONVERTED AND HONESTLY, HUMAN EYES NOT MEANT TO-
TONY: Blah, blah, hulk smash, blah. No one cares. Blondie what did you think? It was your life.
THOR: Me thinks it odd to see one’s life summarized as a tale of celluloid distortion.
TONY: Odd? Or flattering? I mean c’mon Magic Man you get to be the star. Or at least the aussie kid does.
THOR: One guesses that the film was indeed a somewhat accurate representation of Thor Odinson. At least a small version of this long journey I hath been on. But yes, I suppose the aussie gentlemen did do justice concerning mine story.
HULK: HULK THOUGHT HEMSWORTH DO ADMIRABLE JOB. HE CERTAINLY EMBODY ALL THINGS WE CONSIDER TO BE THOR. IT WEIRD, THE SCENES OF SCRIPT CALL FOR LOT OR RANGE, BUT ODDLY NOT LOT ACTUAL DEVELOPMENT. HE GET TO SHOW LITTLE ARC OR DRAMA. HE SORT OF JUST IN DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL STATE EACH TIME DEPENDING ON NATURE OF SCENE. WHICH MAKE IT OBVIOUS SCRIPT PROBLEM. IT SORT OF REMIND HULK OF-
TONY: [eye roll] Ohhhhhkay enough of that, whaddaya think Cap?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I haven’t been to the movies since I saw “Meet Me In St. Louis.”
HULK: OOOH, 1944! SUCH GOOD YEAR FOR MOVIES! DOUBLE INDEMNITY, LAURA, GASLIGHT, ARSENIC AND-
CAPTAIN AMERICA: It was actually part of USO show, I didn’t make it to the talkies that much. Too busy defending the stars and stripes!
TONY: Please Hulk, can we talk about one movie without talking about 19 other movies we haven’t seen?
HULK: HULK SORRY.
TONY: Good, and for your information I found Thor to be pretty likable.
THOR: Thanks ole friend!
TONY: The movie, not you. You smell like Mead and feet. The movie meanwhile, does not. And it was a actually lot of fun. Not as fun as my movie, which I think everyone here can agree that it fucking rocked, but this was more traditional old-fashioned movie fun.
HULK: HULK AGREE. IT VERY LIKABLE, BUT YOU NO THINK IT… HULK DUNNO… A LITTLE SLIGHT?
THOR: What doe’st thou mean green man of wrath?
HULK: AGAIN, IT ENJOYABLE. EVERYONE INVOLVED CERTAINLY MEAN WELL AND GIVING FULL EFFORT. WHICH WORTH PRAISING. LIKE HULK SAID, HEMSWORTH DEFINITELY SHOW NECCESARY RANGE OF CHARACTER. AND HIDDLESTON PROBABLY HAVE BETTER LOOK AS LOKI, BUT THE PERFORMANCE TOTALLY APT. ONE OF MORE SYMPATHETIC VERSIONS OF LOKI HULK SEE/READ. AND PORTMAN NOT GET LOT SCREENTIME BUT SHE KNOW WHAT SHE NEED DO, WHICH IF HULK BE HONEST, IT JUST SEEM SMART AND PRETTY AND THAT BOUT IT. SKARSGAARD HAVE EVEN SMALLER PART, BUT HIS VERY PRESENCE LEND EXACTLY WHAT NEEDED OF ROLE, A NORDIC, VENERABLE ANCHOR IF WILL WHO CAN GO HIGHBROW/LOWBROW. AND HECK, IDRIS ELBA ALMOST STEAL MOVIE AND ALL HE DO JUST STAND THERE ALL BADASS AND GIVE A FEW PERFECTLY-TIMED BARBS. AND FINALLY, KAT DENNINGS JUST DELIGHTFUL AS AUDIENCE SURROGATE. EVERYTHING SHE DO OSCILLATE BETWEEN GENUINELY FUNNY AND ADORABLE.
[At this moment HULK receives a sharp look from Betty, who nearby chatting with Pepper and Peggy]
HULK: BUT UH, WHAT HULK SAYING, OH YEAH. MOST ALL, BRANAGH REALLY SEEM TO EMBRACE BIG SILLY NONSENSE OF A COSMIC MARVEL MOVIE. WHICH REALLY IMPORTANT BECAUSE THE WORLD OF ASGARD/THOR IN TRUTH JUST BIG SILLY NONSENSE.
TONY: Oh c’mon wee odinson, you’re basically a cartoon.
HULK: RIGHT, BUT BRANAGH EMBRACE THAT ASPECT! IT WHAT MAKE THOR BOTH FUNNY AND HEROIC. THERE THIS REAL BEOWULF-IAN BRAVDO TO THE HERO. AND BRANAGH MIX THE CARTOONY-NESS NICELY INTO FISH-OUT-OF-WATER STORY, WHICH OBVIOUSLY ONE OF MOST CLICHE THING IN WORLD, BUT STILL TOTALLY WELL-EXECUTED AND FUN.
TONY: “I need a horse!”
THOR: Ha! Tis funny cos tis true. I doeth say things like that.
HULK: EXACTLY. TONY RIGHT. YOU WALKING CARTOON. BUT EVEN BETTER EXAMPLE HULK THINK = THE WONDERFULLY OVERWROUGHT ANTHONY HOPKINS. PEOPLE TEND THINK HE JUST CRUISING AT THIS POINT, WHICH TOTALLY TRUE, BUT HE ALSO JUST DOING HIS THING REALLY WELL. IT NOT HALF AS LAZY AS DENIRO. BETTER YET, HOPKINS KNOW EXACT WHAT MOVIE HE IN. HE JUST SO YELLY AND SEVERE AND BIG AND-
TONY: Shaaaaakesssppeeeeareee!!! [Shakes fist to the sky]
HULK: HULK LAUGH. RIGHT. IT ALL VERY BOMBASTIC AND VERY, VERY BRANAGH. HE REALLY GAVE THOR MOVIE THE INHERENT AND DUMB GRAVITAS IT NEEDED… WHICH MEAN IT ALL SORT OF LORD OR THE RINGS MINUS THE ACTUAL LYRICISM.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What’s a lord of the ring?
Tony: No Mordor talk. I’m not the biggest fan of rings of power. In any form.
HULK: IT DOESN’T MATTER… HULK MEAN… CAP, WHY YOU EVEN HANG OUT WITH US? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE TALKING ABOUT MOST TIME. YOU LIKE HULK’S GRANDPA.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I would hit you, but I don’t want to anger you further and kill the fine citizens all around us.
HULK: FINE. AND HULK WON’T TRICK YOU INTO WATCHING “THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE” AGAIN.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: [Shuddering in disgust] You live in unseemly times.
[HULK and TONY high five]
HULK: AND HULK ALSO HAPPY CAUSE IT HONESTLY, IT FUN TO ACTUALLY GET SEE MJOLNIR IN ACTION-
THOR: But you see the mighty hammer in action every night brother! [THOR holds up MJOLNIR!]
HULK: COME ON. YOU KNOW WHAT HULK MEAN. BASICALLY THE MOVIE ALL VERY EARNEST AND WELL-INTENTIONED. AND IT GET LOT MILEAGE OUT OF THAT. BUT HULK BE REMISS IF HULK NOT MENTION THAT THE SORT OF CAVALIER ATTITUDE CAN BE CHARMING, BUT ONLY FIRST VIEWING… SUBSEQUENT VIEWINGS MAY BE FAR LESS KIND.
THOR: Why doeth thou mean oh one of ill-fitting slacks?
HULK: DESPITE THE GOOD INTENTIONS, THE ENTIRE FILM OFF-SET BY THIS INATE HALF-BAKED QUALITY. HULK NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO JUST LABEL ALL THE WRITERS/PEOPLE BEHIND “THOR” IDIOTS. FAR FROM IT. HULK KNOW THAT FILMMAKERS LITERALLY SPEND YEARS THINKING ABOUT THESE PRODUCTIONS AND EVERY SINGLE CHOICE MADE. IT BOTHER HULK WHEN SOMETIMES AUDIENCE GO, “HOW THEY NEVER THINK OF SO-AND-SO!” BUT THEY WRONG. FILMMAKING ABOUT GETTING WHAT NEED AND MAKING TOUGH CHOICES AND SOMETIMES IT ABOUT CHOOSING WHAT “LOSES.” AND SOMETIMES A FILMMAKER CHOOSE WRONG THING EMPHASIZE IN GIVEN MOMENT.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: So why does he talk about movies so much again?
HULK: HULK TRYING EXPLAIN WHY A MOVIE THAT NOT LAZY OR “BAD” JUST FEEL SO INCOMPLETE, ESPECIALLY FOR PRODUCTION THAT SEEM VERY MUCH IN CONTROL. IT REALLY MAY BE SIMPLE CASE OF THEM CUTTING THE FILM DOWN FOR WRONG REASONS. FOR SUCH EPIC STORY, MAYBE IT REALLY NEED FEEL EPIC IN LENGTH. LIKE FILM JUST NEEDED MORE TIME FOR THE CHARACTER JOURNEY TO EQUAL SCALE OF THE APPARENT JOURNEY THEY WANTED TAKE.
TONY: It was an hour and 55 minutes. I ain’t sitting longer than than 2 hours for anything, unless it’s the world’s best blo-
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Mr. Stark! Language!
HULK: HULK REALLY WISHED IT LONGER. HULK WANTED THERE JUST TO SIMPLY BE MORE OF THOR COMING TO GRIPS WITH LIFE ON EARTH. THE MOVIE JUST: HE CAN NO PICK UP HIS HAMMER. LOKI SAY ODIN DADDY DEAD. AND BOOM. THOR HUMBLED. IT SO SLIGHT. AND MORE IMPORTANT THE LOVE STORY. HULK NEEDED MORE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. EVEN IF IT THE OH-SO-CLICHED “I NO LIKE HIM! NOW I LOVE HIM!” KIND OF THING. PORTMAN GREAT ACTRESS AND THERE JUST SO LITTLE TO DO BESIDES TALK ABOUT HOW DEVOTED SHE TO RESEARCH AND OGLE THOR.
THOR: Who wouldn’t want to ogle Thor, god of thunder?
TONY: Um, all the girls who go home with me instead?
HULK: HULK’S POINT THAT JANE SORT JUST LIKE AND TRUST HIM IMMEDIATELY. THERE NO REAL BUILDUP OF “WHY SHOULD I TRUST THIS PERSON?” IT JUST IMPLICIT. HULK MEAN THE OTHER CHARACTERS DON’T TRUST THOR SO IT THERE IN LARGER SENSE, BUT AS RESULT, JANE HAVE NO REAL JOURNEY.
THOR: Can we not speakth of the lady foster? It pain Thor Odinson to speak of such a tumultuous history.
HULK: AND THAT JUST THE CORE OF MOVIE. WHAT YOU GUYS THINK OF THE SHIELD STUFF?
ALL: [generic groans]
TONY: Those guys are such a pain in my dick.
THOR: They’re well-meaning guardians!
CAP: (softly, to self) I like shields.
HULK: ADMITTEDLY, HULK THINK IT JUST FUN SEE CLARK GREGG. HE SO GOOD IN WHAT COULD BE VERY BORING ROLE. BUT THE SHOEHORNED SHIELD STUFF ALMOST A GIVEN AT THIS POINT. AND HULK NOT GET THE POINT TO ALL THE SHIELD STUFF HONESTLY, CAUSE IT NOT LIKE IT REALLY CHARACTER BUILDING OR SETTING UP STUFF AUDIENCE NEED TO KNOW? WELL MAYBE FOR GREGG BUT HOW MUCH THAT TAKE? CERTAINLY NOT FOR FURY. AND WORST PART FURY SHOULD ACTUALLY BE FUN CHARACTER CAUSE HE HAVE PUT UP WITH US MORONS.
TONY: Yeah, that’s actually pretty true.
THOR: I amth pretty helpless out here.
CAP: (softly, to self) I like shields.
HULK: CAN HULK TALK ABOUT THAT CAMEO WITH HAWKEYE THAT CLEARLY FILMED AFTER THE FACT?
HAWKEYE [who just appeared out of, like, nowhere]: He guys, I was in the movie! Did you see it!
HULK: IT SO SUPERFLUOUS!
TONY: He’s always superfluous!
THOR: Go home!
[Hawkeye lowers his head in shame]
HULK: I MEAN HULK REALLY EXCITED TO SEE THE “GRAB THE BOW” REVEAL BECAUSE HULK NOT KNOW IT COMING. THEN THEY JUST WHEEL HIM AIMLESSLY AROUND ON CRANE FOR NO REASON. AND IT GO ON FOR SO LONG. SHORTER WOULD HAVE MUCH MORE IMPACT… HULK ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR RENNER.
TONY: I hope your movie manages to do the Shield stuff much more organically.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I have a movie coming out?
HULK [IGNORING CAP]: YEAH. HULK THINK IT PROBABLY WORK BEST THERE. OOOOH, OOOH, HULK ALMOST FORGET. BEST STAN LEE CAMEO YET, RIGHT?
ALL: [POSITIVE NODS IN AGREEMENT]
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Actually, I do have a movie related comment now that I think of it!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yeah, what was with the jap and the negro being norse gods?
ALL: [annoyed groans]
TONY: Goddamit Cap!
THOR: Yeah seriously, that isth fucked up.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What?!?
TONY: How many times do we have to tell you not to be stupidly racist? Like Tea-Party-Level racist. I mean, not only can you NOT do that anymore, you never should have in the first place.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Well sorry for being born near the turn of the century!
TONY: We already turned ANOTHER century you darwinian nightmare!
HULK: WHAT YOU ALL THINK OF THE DUTCH ANGLES. PRETTY CRAZY RIGHT? IT SO GLEEFULLY DUMP HULK ALMOST FIND IT CHARMING AFTER WHILE. IT REMINDED HULK OF-
TONY: All right this is pointless, let’s get the hell back to avengers HQ. I want some scotchy scotch.
HULK: BUT HULK LOVE TALKING AFTER MOVIES!
TONY: No. You like telling us why we’re wrong and yelling at me for falling asleep during “The New World.” I get it, you like movies, but you dropping an essay on us five minutes after seeing the movie isn’t a discussion. It makes us the chorus to your head0space. So c’mon guys let’s go.
HULK: FIVE MORE MINUTES?
TONY: No! Besides, I paid for all your tickets. Thor always shows up from Asgard and forgets to bring money. Cap’s whopping 2500 dollar lifesavings from the 1940’s doesn’t do him good in 2010. And Hulk, you’re as destitute as a Kansas City hooker.
HULK: HULK ALWAYS LOSE WALLET WHEN PUNY BANNER HULK-OUT!
TONY: No, last time you “Hulked-Out” you just went online and spent all your Avengers Stipend money on criterion collections.
HULK: THEY SO GOOD THOUGH! HULK JUST GET HAUSU!
TONY: Shut up! Why do I even hang out with you guys?! You’re all crazy people. That’s it. Me and happy aren’t even going back to HQ! PEPPER Get my briefcase-mark-whatever-suit ready, we’re going to Vegas.
HAWKEYE: I’ll go Tony!
ALL: Shut up!
HULK: LOOK, LOOK SORRY GUYS. HULK JUST WANTED TALK. IT IMPORTANT. THESE MOVIES REALLY AFFECT HOW PEOPLE FEEL AND THINK ABOUT US. WE THE AVENGERS. WE IMPORTANT AND STUFF. AND WITH THOR MOVIE, NO MATTER HOW ENJOYABLE AND EARNEST, IT STILL SLIGHT AND HALF-BAKED. HULK COULD TOTALLY UNDERSTAND SOMEONE SHRUGGING SHOULDERS TO IT, OR EVEN DISLIKING. HULK SURMISE, ONE’S ENJOYMENT OF HULK DEPEND HOW FORGIVING THEY ARE. AND IN THAT CASE, SOCIETY NEED HINDSIGHT, EVEN THOSE RANDOM VIEWS ON HBO YEARS LATER. SO, HULK WILL WAIT AND SEE. THOR EITHER BIG SILLY FUN OR BIG SILLY STUPIDITY. TIME TELL.
[HULK finally looks up from the ground. Everyone has now left. Save for Betty stands there, alone, still by the HULK’S side. HULK swells with emotion and looks back toward the ground]
HULK: SORRY… HULK JUST LIKE MOVIES.
Betty: It’s okay. I do too.
HULK: … GUESS HULK AND BETTY WALKING.
Betty: Yup, but not too high. I’ll barf.
HULK: OKAY. WHAT DID BETTY THINK OF FEMINIST IMPLICATIONS OF JANE’S SLIGHT ROLE IN MOVIE. I MEAN HULK-
Betty: I’ll tell you on the way.
[With one heave, HULK puts giant HULK arm around Betty and jumps off into the horizon]